Fun Virtual Advent Idea for Friends

Well folks, December is upon us once again, and you know I can’t write anything non Christmas related this month! Haha I do love Christmas. So this month I wanted to share with you a little virtual advent calendar I made for some friends.

It sounds a little strange and perverse, if not perverted, but I have a friend who has always been somewhat fascinated by animal appendages! The weirder the more wonderful. So last year in her advent calendar; which was just a cheap shop bought wooden reusable light up thing with wee drawers she could pull out, I placed a $1 scratchie card folded up with little elastics to make it look like a little present, and underneath that I stuck a QR code to the bottom of the drawer.

I set each QR code with a free online tool to a photo I made on my phone, which I just screen shot from the internet and added text to. So for example, the first text my friend ever sent me, before we were even really friends and I kind of only knew her in a professional context, was an echidna penis. Google it. Very weird! Haha So that obviously had to be in drawer number one with a little caption about that being the first text of our friendship.

https://www.qr-code-generator.com/

I went on to find a 2 pronged one, for number 2 and just kind of found funny ways to relate to the number in the advent card as the calendar progressed. Just silly fun. Obviously a niche market for this kind of thing but you could use anything from pictures of you both together, your top 25 memories together, favourite foods, whatever your friend is into.

Discussing this with some different friends at our pre-Christmas dinner catch up, they were rolling in stitches laughing at the idea and insisted I send it to them too. Not having time to do the whole advent calendar, I just went totally virtual on this occasion and set a reminder in my phone to send them the daily picture which I had in my phone from making it anyway, and sent it to our little group chat for a giggle. They loved it.

I had another friend who really loved music, so for 25 days I sent her a Christmas song, with a little text about the meaning of the song in relation to our friendship (although I had to be creative there, sometimes just the song is enough.

https://open.spotify.com/

You could easily use Gif’s, meme’s, photo’s, music, funny cat videos, inspirational quotes, cute Christmas food ideas or recipes and so many more.

My friend made one for me, with trivia and riddles, she wrapped 25 little gifts for me, each one like a chocolate and a purse sized toiletry, such as tweezers or purse pack perfume or lip gloss or lip balm, nail file etc… all inexpensive. She labelled them 1 to 25 and I had to solve the riddle before I was allowed to open the gift.

You could easily use this idea, or a virtual idea to do maybe a truth or dare version, maybe doing alternate days for truth and dare. Truths could help you get to know them and could be anything from “what is your favourite colour” to “tell me something about you nobody else knows?” Dares could range from easy, for example “send me a picture of you with a toe in your mouth” or more embarrassing like “take an ugly selfie and make it your profile picture for 24 hours.”

The options for fun here are limitless and are as vast  as your imagination. Just remember it is meant to be fun, so don’t stress over it too much, it’s ok if it is silly and imperfect, and it is ok if it is meaningful and sentimental. Whatever fits your friendship works for you.

I have heard of the idea of doing an escape room type of one, which I definitely want to try. You don’t open the numbers in order except for the first one, then each one leads to a riddle which tells you which number to open the following day. It can include small keys, mini scissors locked with suitcase locks, or codes and all sorts of cool things, but I haven’t figured out the logistics of the whole idea of one of these yet and put it to the test. I do plan to do this but as I am away on an international cruise from next week until right before Christmas a more virtual approach will have to do this year. Another bonus! I can easily do this while I am away on holiday to keep the Christmas spirit rolling even though I am not there. If anybody tries this and has success before me, please get in touch with ideas and suggestions or instructions!

What I really love about doing it virtually is that you can include friends from near and far this way. You can create group chats and do it as a group, each taking turns to create something, or you can do as many individual ones as you like without too much effort. All you have to do is think of something your friend likes, google and save the 25 images or links and send one a day!

For instructions click link below

https://www.kapwing.com/resources/make-your-own-digital-christmas-advent-calendar/

It tells your friend you are thinking of them and wishing them well over the holiday season and sending them smiles from wherever you are!

Have fun folks. Let me know your ideas!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the word Friend isn’t big enough but nothing else fits either.

Friendships are relationships. This idea seems to make people feel very uncomfortable but at the end of the day, they are. They are people we relate to and maintain positive regard for. We love our friends. This too makes some people squirm. Because we have no way to categorise this love, separate from that of romantic or familial love. But yet it is distinctly different.

Romantic love encompasses a passion, a level of attraction, and in most cases some forms of physical intimacy. Familial love encompasses a feeling so big, you might die for the other, and a level of security and comfort that perhaps friendship love does not always contain. Familail relationships don’t end. You may disown someone in your family, but that will never stop them from being family. Family is fact. Does that make friendship fiction?

Friendships can start and end spontaneously, and can cause joy and pain just like any other relationship. We seek out this connection more than any other type, on the basis of non monogamy and the freedom to enjoy many aspects of many people at once. We don’t usually expect one friend to meet all our needs and typically certain friends bring about certain aspects of ourselves that other friends do not.

But often times, along the way you meet someone special. Someone so important and big in your life that calling them a friend doesn’t seem big or special or important enough to reflect what they are or what they mean to you. People might assume, they are like family to you, but that doesn’t always fit either, and then there are often assumptions of underlying romantic notions which are also unfounded.

I suppose that is where the term best friend really comes from, another way to express that your friend is special, that the love between you is bigger than any other friendship, deeper, more powerful. But sometimes best friend doesn’t really fit either. Maybe your best friend is someone you see more regularly but this other person is someone you feel drawn and connected to on a soul level?

Soulmates is another term that makes people wrinkle their nose when said in relation to a friendship, so many might use soul sister or use terms like “my person.” These are all ways of basically saying that you have found your favourite person, standing alone as important outside of your other important relationships.

The question is bigger than what term to use to describe this person to others, because at the root of it, what we really want is a way to convey our big feelings and have them reflected back to us and understood and accepted. Not questioned, judged and criticized. If we want this person at Christmas with the family, for example, we want our family to understand, accept and welcome this person instead of question why they would be invited. Or if we want this person to inherit our children in the event of our untimely death, we want to know that our family will embrace and support this person and their journey without us.

Sometimes words just aren’t big enough to describe the weight and depth of our feelings. I could tell you to make up your own words like “frelationship” or I could encourage you to worry less about the words you use and more about the actions you take to demonstrate both to your favourite person, and to the other people around you and them that this relationship takes pride of place in your life, and that it is here to stay if they understand it or not, so they may as well accept it.

In time folks, with patience and perseverance, it will eventually go without saying that you and your person are a bit of a package deal, whether that means just you and them, or you and them and your significant others, or you and them and your family/extended family and their family/extended family.

You don’t have to answer the question of how or why or find language that fits, and sometimes the best and most honest thing to say is that there aren’t quite words to describe the connection, but then again, there never is when it comes to big love.

If you have a person like this in your life, consider yourself luckier than anyone who doesn’t quite understand it, and send wishes for them that they too, will one day find their person. Meanwhile continue living and loving, whoever you love and whatever that means for you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

We aren’t best friends anymore… how do I bring it up?

You probably had a best friend in kindy when you were 4 years old. That person is probably not your best friend today. Neither is your year 7 best friend, nor your secondary school bestie, or your bestie from your first job. Because we grow and change and evolve and our friendships have to do the same.

It’s no longer enough that you both like Mario to keep you close, but that doesn’t mean you are no longer friends either. If you are lucky, some of the best friends you have had along the way are very much still friends. Just the best bit has mutually fallen from your language as you both understand the closeness you once shared has naturally dissipated as you gravitated towards other people with more in common, or more availability.

It usually doesn’t even mean that you like your old bestie any less than you did before, they are still awesome and still make you laugh or know just what you need to hear because they have known you forever and they get you at a core level sometimes. This is what pulls us back to our past, the strong connections we formed as youngsters full of innocent acceptance, trust and curiosity.

However sometimes, the dropping of the word best from the friendship title isn’t exactly mutual. And it can feel like pressure, or make you feel terribly guilty when a friend calls you their best friend when the sentiment is no longer reciprocated. Should you tell them? Is it wrong to go along with the pretense that you are still best friends when that is not authentically how you feel? Do they hold unreasonable expectations you cannot fill based on this high ranking friendship status? Should you tell them if you feel “best friends” is a term children use and you don’t believe in such a ranking system as an adult?

Actually, I don’t advise it. When someone calls you their best friend, they are describing your position in their life. You do not need to reciprocate, but if this person is your friend, it seems cruel and unnecessary to point out that you feel their values on this are childish or that you stopped being best friends long ago.

Think about your friendship. If your friend still refers to you as a best friend, they are saying they value your friendship just the way it is. They are not necessarily expecting any more from you than you are already offering and out of all the friends they have, perhaps they still like or value you the most. You are allowed to feel good about that and understand this terminology is used to express their gratitude and feelings of love towards you, not to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable.

And let’s not forget that this isn’t even always about you. Some people use the term best friend to describe one hierarchical pairing, while others use the term as a catch all for all their close friends. I know many people who will still say “Leila, my best friend from Kindy” although it is unclear if Leila is still their best friend, or was only their best friend in Kindy, it really doesn’t matter.

If you enjoy your friendship with someone who calls you a best friend, then I say, keep on enjoying it. What’s the harm? I know not correcting them can feel like a lie or an omission, but that is only true if you consider that a best friendship needs to be reciprocal and not a label that they get to decide where you fall in their life, not you.

Sure, you don’t have to sign their next birthday card “with love from your bestie” but it doesn’t hurt to focus on what positives you do feel, such as that you are grateful for their friendship! If you aren’t sure what to say when it comes up in conversation, like when Jane says “Karen, I am so glad you are my best friend!” Instead of saying thank you, you can reciprocate without using such strong language and say “I’m so glad too that we have stayed close over the years, your friendship is meaningful to me too. Thank you.”

If you don’t want to hurt your friend and the friendship, I think the answer is not to bring it up and just pat yourself on the back for being such an awesome friend!

But if that advice really really doesn’t sit well with you and you feel a pressing need to address the issue, please be gentle. Because it could feel like a rejection which, if you are still friends, it shouldn’t be. Nor should it feel like an accusation of immaturity. So you could try saying that you have so many wonderful friends these days you became conflicted and dropped the word best. Or that you read an article that said the word best in relation to friendships is exclusionary and makes your other non-best friends feel badly about their lesser ranked connection with you, so out of courtesy for everyone you no longer feel comfortable labelling any connections that way.

But what if you do have another best friend, that you do call your best friend, and it isn’t the friend who is calling you their best friend? I think if you have to say anything, perhaps humour is the  way to go. You could say “don’t let Mike hear you call me your best friend, I don’t want any fist fights over me thanks! Haha” This implies that you are using this terminology with Mike, or at least Mike is using it with you. If your friend pushes for more info on how you feel, you can just shrug and say it depends on your mood and how cursed you are to have such wonderful friends to choose from!

Whatever you decide to do, just keep on being the best friend you can be to every friend you have!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Divorce; when 2 become ones.

A few weeks back we discussed changes, before our broadcast was interrupted by Halloween! So getting back onto the topic, I wanted to revisit divorce. Divorce is another major change in a person’s life. Sadly, it is pretty common to lose friends when you go through a divorce. Couple friends may treat you like you are cursed with some disease they don’t want to catch, or just prefer to hang out with other couples, which you are no longer. Or you might have found that somehow all of your spouse’s friends had become your friends and suddenly loyalty reminds you of whose friends they really were.

It’s not all bad news, because often fresh divorcees are ready and willing to explore themselves, rediscover and recreate their identity and with that often comes new people. It can be a confronting but exciting time all at once. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change the dynamics of your social circle and test the loyalties and boundaries you always thought you knew.

Someone in my outer circle; a friend of a friend, has recently ended a 25 year marriage. Her husband felt it was time as the youngest child approaches 18, which is legally an adult here in Australia. The shock hit hard for the wife though. She hadn’t seen it coming while he was implying that he had known for a long time and was merely waiting it out for the kids sakes, while she thought they were happy and planning retirement together. This kind of shock can lead you to question yourself at your core and it is really when you need your friends the most to remind you who you are and that you are good enough.

So my friend’s friend was doubly shocked when her bestie of many years asked “would it be ok if I contact Mr Ex?” Wow. Her friend stated that she had always liked hubby and that she would miss the awesome foursome they had built over the years hanging out with their partners together. To say it stung was an understatement. Never in a million years was wifey expecting this from bestie. She just couldn’t seem to understand.

When wifey complained that Mr Ex wanted to sell the family home from under her, and that he was already hitting the gym and on dating apps, bestie simply said good on him, and advised wifey to do the same, to get on with her life. When wifey complained the kids may live with Mr Ex as he could afford the house and she’d have to move in with her mother, bestie said it was better that she wasn’t alone and the kids were soon to be adults anyway.

Bestie just wasn’t able to show the expected compassion and empathy, and wifey to be honest felt betrayed by the idea that bestie would contact Mr Ex, although she was mature enough not to say so aloud. It seemed as if everyone was on his side, if there were sides and nobody understood her.

That was, at least, until she had a catch up with 2 old friends that were also divorced! Suddenly she felt closer to these old friends she had kind of lost touch with than her best friend of 30 years. But it wasn’t lost on her that she had lost touch with them BECAUSE they were divorced and she probably hadn’t been as understanding and empathetic as they had needed at the time.

The truth is, nobody can really understand what you are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Divorce is one of these life altering changes that blows up everything you thought you knew, and throws you into an alternate reality, forcing you to perhaps see what was always there, but unacknowledged.

Wifey’s expectations of her best friend may not have been realistic. They tended to be surface level, lots of fun and laughter and good times. It was assumed based on constant and consistent time and enjoyment together that this bond would flourish further in hard times, but that simply wasn’t the case. Bestie had also been partnered for a very long time and had never really suffered a heartbreak on this level. Having no kids herself, meant she was unable to relate to the struggles of a single parent going through said heartbreak and trying to keep it together for the kids. And if wifey is a good friend, despite it all, she will forgive her friend and hope she never does understand.

The new connections formed with the other divorced women felt natural and fast. They were able to offer advice about lawyers and finances and dating apps! They shared similar tales and the ways they had coped when they went through it. And they taught wifey some grace. As she apologized to them for not being a good friend when they themselves had suffered as she was now, and explained she obviously just didn’t get it.

Looking at each other and smiling, her 2 new confidants each took one of her hands and told her it was ok. They understood that she couldn’t know what it was like, they didn’t expect her to know and they were sorry that the reconciliation as such was under these circumstances. That they forgave her for not knowing what to say, and for finding it easier to ignore the problem and continue on with her own life blissfully unaware.

So although wifey has been disappointed with the reaction of her best friend, and she knows some more distance will naturally grow there now, she is able to be forgiving and understanding that her friend is not in a place to empathize with her. That she thinks practically not emotionally and always has. That her expectations were not in line with reality.

But that it is ok. Life changes, people change, friendships change. Maybe one day they will be close again, either when wifey is more settled, or when bestie is less settled. It doesn’t have to be sad and bitter. Change brings about some pain, but inevitably it also always brings about some good too. Wifey has finally decided to embrace it, embrace her new friends, and put herself out there again on the apps, for friendship, or something more!

Divorce can divide more than a marriage, but you can decide what the end result of the equation will be. It might change or end some friendships, but it also might bring you some great new or renewed ones. Sometimes you’re surprised by who is really there for you and who isn’t. Just follow your heart and go where the love is.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The dark side of friendship culture and the common enemy.

Happy Halloween folks, hope you had a spooctacular evening! So what better time to discuss the dark side of friendship? Friend. What is a friend really? A friend is a person you like who also likes you. Simple really. But until you met them and got talking, they were just a stranger. You didn’t know they would become a friend. Once they are a friend, you mentally separate them from the pack and put a little more emphasis on their good points. This is all very normal behaviour. But what about the rest of the people in the world who are not friends. If they are not friends, does that make them enemies?

Maybe not to the extreme, but many of us seem to carry a level of distrust and hesitancy about people we do not know. And you can quickly find yourself judging someone else unfairly with someone who is a friend.

Let’s pretend you’re working in an office, and you are sitting with your work wife, (or husband) and a new person walks in. Your partner in crime makes a snide remark about the new person’s hair, and without thinking twice you chime in with a similar tone about their shoes. As time goes on, you find yourselves bonding over this common enemy, without stopping to question if it is warranted. Each of you watches the new person with eagle eyes, picking up mistakes or character flaws, and can’t wait to have a laugh and report back to each other on the latest encounter.

Such a thing happened to a friend of mine recently, and then there was a change around of the office structure, meaning herself and the newbie were put together on a team without work wife. And as my friend got to know newbie, she actually grew to like her and understand her a lot more. It was only then that it had dawned on her that she had been really unkind initially (secretly) and it weighed on her conscience that she could be so judgmental and find sick pleasure in disliking someone for no valid reason.

It got us talking about other times this had happened, and it was something to which I could relate, or times I could remember when I took a disliking to someone based on someone else’s opinions and dealings with a person, without knowing them myself. And what was even more alarming, was that in that instance my friend at the time later did get to know that common enemy and actually quite liked her, it turns out her opinions that she shared with me had been sparked by someone else. So this false negative image of someone was spreading wide and far, and was totally unfair and unfounded.

I am really pleased that my friends tend to be people who are self-aware enough to catch themselves in these sorts of behaviours and challenge themselves to be better, to be fair, to not judge people so quickly next time. I too do try, as I recall starting work at an office and being warned to stay away from a certain colleague and thanking that person for their concern and proudly telling that person I prefer to judge someone based on my own experiences with them and not on the hearsay of others. In that instance, I think I probably would have been wise to listen, but at least I did end up forming my own negative judgements after learning the hard way!

So what is it about the common enemy factor that we find so bonding in the first place? Why do we engage in this toxic high school behaviour? I have to go ahead and imagine that it stems from some form of insecurity and the targets of these unwarranted attacks are in some way a threat to those of us hating on them. In some ways I suppose it serves to tighten the bond we have with our friend so that this interloper cannot penetrate or destroy said bond, and it makes us feel better than them, without directly saying so.

There is also something motivating about having a common enemy, you become a team hoping to take down a common target, united, which feels safer and more secure. American professor, author and podcaster Brene Brown calls this common enemy intimacy.

If you find you are the instigator of negative comments, you have learned to look for negatives in others, to categorise yourself and other people in a negative light, almost as a defense mechanism to getting hurt. These people tend to avoid vulnerability and love to bond over negative things. If you are talking about your favourite restaurant they may tune in with how much they hate a certain menu item or bad service they received there, as it feels less vulnerable. If you agree with them, you bond, if you disagree, it isn’t seen as a personal attack, you just have different tastes in foods.

If you are the friend who joins in this negativity after someone else starts it, then you are the sort of person who alters yourself to fit in, in an effort to belong. It feels so confronting to say to your friend when they judge someone “that is unkind, we don’t even know that person. Let’s give them a chance.” We risk alienating ourselves from a friend if we do this, and we want to fit in to feel like we belong.

But as Brene Brown says herself “If we alter our true selves to fit in, then we belong to others and not to ourselves.” What we need to be willing to do is to stand for what we believe in, even if it means standing alone, and encourage others to stand with us.

That’s not to say your negative friend isn’t a good person, they probably are, they are just driven by fear. You have to accept that they see the negatives as a default and ask if you want to be like them, or if you want to try to gently help them be better. This is done by setting a positive example, but also by trying to encourage them to share what they love and enjoy, to find the more positive side of them that they are reluctant to share.

That is where the real bonding happens and it is powerfully positive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Spooky Side Of Social Media

I have a wonderful friend who hosts an awesome 90’s radio show on a Wednesday evenings on 89.7fm called the 90’s spin with Lee. As such, her research into songs and facts from the 90’s has sparked many conversations between us about that era and what we were doing with our lives before mobile phones and the internet let alone social media.

My post was going to be called Facebook; Friends or Foe, because I love alliteration, but this post is looking to explore the spooky side of social media and the friendships created there, not just on Facebook, but all social media platforms, and just in time for a spooky time of year! Happy Halloween Homies! haha

So my friend Lee and I are both 80’s babies, and were both tweens and teens in the 90’s. It was our time to shine and looking back how simple times really were without all the technology that is around now. Not that either of us would like to go back to that time, but it is still fun to reminisce and share and compare stories, as we didn’t know one another back then! And, as it happens, we did sorta meet online, via a mutual acquaintance. So were it not for technology we wouldn’t even be friends at all!

That said, we both know we got pretty lucky and we each were who we said we were, because the dark side of social media technology is simply that you actually never really know who you are talking to! When Lee and I were between 16-19 years old, is when the internet started taking off in big ways. Those of you old enough to remember will be familiar with the old dial up soundtrack that comes straight to mind from this era!

Lee, being a tiny bit older than me, and a lot more tech savvy than me, was straight into the chat rooms to make online friends, and she described these friends, at the time as some of the most important and influential people in her life. On her 18th birthday for example, she had her online friends write her a birthday sentiment, that she then printed and asked her brother to read aloud to the crowd at her birthday party like old school telegrams. And the messages were from people known only by screen names such as Grug.

Looking back, Lee is quite honest with me as she says she actually really had very little clue who Grug was presenting to be online, let alone who they really were behind the screens, and yet there was this lack of caution, as they shared deep personal information with each other in cyberspace. In some instances Lee shares with me that she even travelled interstate to meet some of these people and stay at their houses! As you’d imagine this didn’t always go smoothly! Luckily, she survived to tell the tale!

But what it brings about in our minds is how quickly we went from “don’t talk to strangers and definitely don’t get into cars with strangers” to “Use the internet to call a stranger to get into the car with.” We mean Uber and such, and obviously safety protocols have come a long way since the 90’s pioneers first started navigating this online world, however at the end of the day, most of us have online friends, and it’s entirely possible that we don’t actually know them at all.

What’s even scarier is that our younger generations are constantly online, on social media and gaming platforms, at a much younger age than Lee and I were as we stumbled into the spaces. And they assume everyone they are playing with or chatting to is a similar age to themselves, which as adults, we know not to be the case. Yet we can’t keep our kids offline in a world that has become tech dependent! So how do we limit who they talk to on these platforms, without limiting their social and emotional growth?

There are all sorts of parenting controls and apps you can install, and if that works for you, then go ahead and use them. But I think the answer lies in communicating our experiences, positive and negative with our kids and about how much of themselves to share, and not to share with anybody online, if you know them in person or not! Talk to them about blocking and reporting anyone who makes them uncomfortable or is threatening, abusive or bullying. And never sharing their location in any way while they are still in that location publicly!

Which is another spooky side of the online world, anyone can message you anything, any time of the day or night and at times this bullying can be so relentless that people feel they can’t escape. Which is what makes the 90’s a nostalgically simple time, because if you didn’t want to be contactable, you didn’t have to be.

Even now, I grapple with social media and what to post/share or what not to. I have friends who like to share everything they do, and I used to do the same. But as I settle and grow older, I more and more relish the privacy that comes with enjoying a meal, event, day or evening out without broadcasting it to the world. It almost feels like a novelty to do something as simple as have a cocktail with a friend and not tell anyone but them! It almost feels naughty, like you are doing something taboo by not advertising or bragging to everyone.

And of course, it can cause upset amongst you and the people who did want to share it. They might feel that you aren’t proud or happy to be seen out with them and don’t want to be part of your dirty little secret. Or they may tag you in their own post and then people with mutual friends see it anyway even if you didn’t accept the tag in your privacy settings! There are also memories and reminders of people, places and things that you might not care to be reminded about, and passive aggressive posts leaving you wondering if that was about you and if you have upset someone. There are online unfriendings which almost certainly translate directly as such to the real world, and updates from people you went to school with that were never even really your friends back then and certainly aren’t now. Do you really want them knowing about everything you post? Do you really care and want to see about them? The dark side is, you kinda do, and you don’t know why…. It unleashes everyone’s inner stalker!

At the end of the day, these platforms are what allow us to stay connected. I can video chat with my friend in Italy, and message my parents when they are away in the UK, and see the day to day updates of the antics of my friend’s bunny in Texas. It allows me to feel less lonely and more connected to the people I care about, so I wouldn’t want to be without it.

But I also wouldn’t want anyone to forget that it definitely has it’s dark side. To be careful who you friend, who you talk to, what you share, who you share it with and who you do or don’t tag when you do! It’s a minefield, so watch your step! You might step on some landmines, but you also might find some treasures, as I did with Lee, so maybe overall the risk is worth the rewards?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

You’ve Changed…..

We all grow and learn in life, and they say a man who believes the same things at 40 that he believed at 20 has wasted 20 years. Naturally when we change, sometimes our friendships change, or in extreme cases, our friends change. This swap is usually not as dramatic as it sounds though. Life takes us all on a journey that deviates from those around us at any given time. We lose touch with high school friends when we go to higher learning or start careers, and often lose touch with those people too when we change careers or workplaces and have families of our own. These are all very common circumstances.

It’s not that we dislike the people we went to school with, it’s more that in truth we don’t know them anymore. We knew who they were, but we also remember who we were, and how much we have changed since then! So when you are curious late at night and looking up old school friends on social media, you are not looking to see who they were, you are interested in who they became after you knew them.

I’ve certainly heard of many cases of people getting back together with old childhood friends and finding they no longer had anything in common or any connection, but that is certainly not always the case. I have friends that I have maintained from school years, and even then I think with some of them, if we met today we probably wouldn’t like each other. In those instances, what has grown and changed is our friendship. It has evolved with us and we have learned to love and understand the new versions of ourselves that we have become along the way.

But what happens when you have a major change, that your friends and family didn’t quite see coming? I had the pleasure of talking to a lovely trans woman a few months ago, however, she said she was sadly having to make all new friends after her transition. Not because her friends were unfriendly towards her, they tried to be supportive, but being who she is, as opposed to who she had pretended to be the rest of her life, meant that the things they had in common had suddenly disappeared overnight!

She had been born a he. He was married with 2 young children, to a wife he loved dearly and in a happy life he did not want to disrupt. But he could no longer live a lie. He had always felt he had been born into the wrong body, and he could no longer pretend. But when he became who she had always been inside, her life very suddenly changed.

She went from being happily married to separated, living in a family home with the kids, to living in a spare bedroom of a friends house and from watching footy and drinking beer with the guys on weekends to drinking wine alone. Her friends had tried to understand, but the manly man they had been friends with was gone, and in a sense, perhaps they were grieving him instead of celebrating her. In her defense, she still valued male friendships – it was what she had known her whole life, she still liked football, and she still even did like women, even if this also now extended to a curiosity about relationships with men.

But her friendships didn’t feel the same anymore. Each party felt a sense of betrayal and lack of trust for the other, and the change was so big, so sudden, so opposite – that it caused a lot of the fibres holding them together to snap. Some friends didn’t know what to say, so said nothing. This silence was heard as judgement ad fear. Some friends asked too many intrusive or offensive questions, and again this was interpreted as judgement. Some simply enjoyed a beer with the boys and no longer saw her as such. Some were unsure what they could now say or joke about in her presence, while others were not sensitive enough about what they did and didn’t say.

Of course, it is also natural after a big sudden change, that you would want to start exploring friendships with other people sharing and relating to your experiences. And eventually, start exploring new romantic relationships too. But even that was challenging, because she felt she had to disclose to new romantic partners that she was once a he, and that alone discounted her from many of the people she was interested in. Not telling them was worse.

So what is the answer when you go through a big sudden life change? Is there a way to hold on to your friendships and have them grow and change with you? I think the answer depends on the friend, and your ability to be patient with them. When you learned of this change in your life, whether like my trans friend, you had years to process this information yourself, or an unexpected diagnosis or divorce, you need to allow everyone the time and space and patience to come to terms with the change in their own time and their own ways.

Not everybody can grow and change with you, but if you find yourself feeling impatient, insistent and unforgiving, that could be a factor in driving your friends away. You need to let people deal with the changes however it comes naturally to them as a person, and not force it. It might be easy to tell yourself that you would love and support your friend even if they decided to become a frog, for example, but you have to think about how you would relate to them as a frog, how you would communicate with them and in what meaningful ways could you still connect with a frog.

I am in no way comparing trans people with frogs, to be clear, I am being deliberately ridiculous because we tell ourselves ridiculous narratives sometimes, that isn’t always practically accurate.

At the end of the day, if your friends can’t change and grow with you, if they can’t accept you for who you have become, you don’t need to change yourself back, you need to change friends. And as hard as that can be, finding those niche people will be worth it. In the meantime don’t forget your own worth, settle for less or pretend to be anything that you aren’t. If your friends don’t actually know the real you, then how can they actually love or even like you?

Stay you, stay true, and stay positive and stay patient. And if it is your friend who is going through a big life change, that advice still applies, as well as stay present!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends and Finances; Frugal Friendships Can Still Be Rich Folks!

Last week we spoke about my experiences with employing a friend, and how although I do not regret the decision, it has it’s complications. This week I want to talk about the financial crisis many of us around the world are facing in 2023 and how this may mean some of us are feeling like we can no longer afford our friends!

Friendship is free, as they say, but sometimes that doesn’t really seem to be the case at all does it? Because friends tend to be the people we go out with socially! Girls nights out for movies and mixers? Yes please. Coffee and cake catch up’s? Of course! Boozy beer garden Sunday afternoon’s? Why not? Getting your nails or your hair done together is just more fun, right?

We can sit home on the couch in front of the television any night of the week, so typically we use our friends as excuses to get out and do something fun. But something fun is hardly ever something free is it? Nope. Even when you choose something cheapish like the local café coffee and cake special for $10, you soon find yourself ordering lunch after the catch up lingers past morning and into midday. Or you say you’ll go for a stroll, window shopping at the local markets, but before you know it you’ve bought several things you didn’t need. Or you get bargain cheap movie tickets, but then can’t resist the overpriced popcorn and confectionary and a large drink, telling yourself it’s basically free as you got the cheap tickets.

These things happen relatively easily even if you are both on the same financial page and prefer to stay frugal. But what is happening right now, is that some people have been more badly impacted than others by the financial strain, raising interest rates, fuel and grocery expenses. So some people are finding that they really can’t afford that extra $50 a week play money, while their friends may be in better positions financially and are still inviting them to the weekly Sunday brunch.

It can be awkward to say you can’t afford to go, so it is tempting to overspend and try to figure out how to pay the rising credit card debt later, particularly if your friends don’t seem to be talking about the struggle as though it isn’t happening at all. Inadvertently this lack of communication can imply pressure to keep up with the Joneses!

This can cause self esteem issues, as the person who has less disposable income questions their life choices and wonders if they are doing something wrong to be impacted when their friends aren’t. It’s easy enough to come up with an excuse or 2 to miss a brunch here or there, but as the financial situation has been increasingly worse for many of us for nearly a year now, at some point this could cause friction in your friendship group.

Your friends may start to wonder if they have upset you when you never see them anymore, completely unaware that you’re really struggling and perhaps suffering some level of shame as a result.

I would suggest that instead of finding excuses not to go to Sunday brunch, perhaps make suggestions to change things up a bit, and invite the gang over for a bring a plate lunch at your place instead, or other work arounds that mean you can still participate, without mentioning money.

However, at the end of the day, I would hope that you could discuss money with your friends! I know it is a personal topic and closely linked to our values, as what we value is where we spend. But true friends discuss personal things all the time! That is one of the best bits of friendship! Giggling over embarrassing stories, or sharing joy, excitement, pain or grief. Money should be no different.

At the end of the day, as adults we know we are all in unique financial situations. One friend might be the CEO of some multi million dollar company, while another is a freelance artist. One might be married but dependent on his or her spouse financially and one may be on government benefits to get by. We don’t make friends based on how much money they have, and nor should we have to go looking for friends in similar wage brackets to keep things comfortable. Money changes, but people don’t change that much.

If you are struggling with money, I feel you should sit your friends down and say that things are tight for you right now, but you don’t want to miss out on valuable time together, so could you change the plans to keep within budget. The conversation is the same if it is over coffee or cocktails, or caviar or a casual backyard bbq.

Your friends may misinterpret this as a request for charity, or they may well meaningly offer to cover you until you find your financial feet again, but I advise you against taking on this offer and instead reiterate that it is the affection that matters, not the activity, and you’d hope they still want to see you without all the fanfare.

At the end of the day, we do use our friends as an excuse to go out and have fun, but we shouldn’t make excuses not to see friends just because it might not be out and about. Friendship is fun, time together is what you make it and that is what matters. Any friends who exit stage left at the first sign of frugal, weren’t well aligned with you anyway.

It comes back to what I said about values – if they really only valued the activities and you happened to be the person they went with, then you valued friendship and they valued fun. It doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it just means it was a mismatch. I have a friend who took on a mortgage to help her brother. I don’t think I would do this and yet she jumped straight into it without hesitation, no matter the cost to her, as she values family so much. Obviously this has no baring on our friendship, she can do what she likes and if she needs to be frugal as a result I respect that, although I can’t say I understand it. But what I do understand is that if we have plans and her family calls, she will accommodate them first and foremost.

Misalignments don’t always mean you can’t be close friends, but they do mean you need to be aware of your friends values to know what to expect, and if you aren’t sure what they value, watch where they spend their money! Not everyone values friendships the same amount, and even that is ok, but they need to value you enough to handle difficult personal conversations and accommodate your needs.

Frugal friendships can still be rich folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Money and Mates Don’t Mix!

Hey there readers, I know I have posted about money and mates mixing like oil and water before, but in those posts I tended to focus more on loaning money to friends. In this post I would like to discuss paying friends for services, or working for friends, for money. Stupidly, it never occurred to me that this was still mixing business with pleasure, or, as some may describe it, sh#tting where you eat!

What happens for example if you buy an old gaming console from a friend, and then find a month later it stops working? It seemed like a good deal, but now you might feel scammed? Or what about when you hire a friend to do some garden work, and aren’t happy with the work? Alternatively, a friend may have hired you and now you feel uncomfortable with the power imbalance?

Money can just make things complicated. I once bought tickets for a comedy show, and then my husband also bought tickets for us for the same show. They weren’t refundable at the time of purchase, so I handed one set of them on to a friend to use. The show was cancelled due to covid, and the tickets were refunded. Should I have given my friend the money? Should I have bought her new tickets when the show was eventually rescheduled? I didn’t, and I think she was ok with it, but I still didn’t like the way that felt icky.

Over the years I have paid a friend of mine to tutor my children. This person is a smart, qualified professional, experienced in tutoring and teaching children, knows my children well and has much much more patience for working with them than I do. But that hasn’t always made this shift in our friendship easy.

There have been awkward conversations when the children still don’t seem to picking something up, and stressful moments when even she is losing patience with them and I intervene. There have been times when I have felt like my friend sees this employment as “time together” and I have had to point out that in no way do I pay her to be my friend, and I still want, need and expect time spent when she is not there under contract. There have been times when we have had harsh words privately about personal matters, and then she is obligated to be there at my house working with my kids and putting our differences aside for a few hours.

It’s not all bad. For example, that last part, sometimes forces us to get over petty disagreements and just remember to get along. And there is implied flexibility, if my kids have an appointment on the usual tutoring day, I feel comfortable asking her to come at a different time or date, and it is her that generally sets the schedule to come on the days and times most suitable for her. But this is a double edged sword. Here’s why.

My kids had end of term assessments coming up. Parents of high school children will be aware of how all the subjects do tests, assignments and exams at the end of the ten week block of education, meaning the kids are inundated with 4-7 classes in which to be assessed all at once. The only saving grace, is that typically you might have one a day for that last week or 2 of school before the holidays. The last 2 weeks of term were no different than usual for us, but my friend was jet setting overseas on the final week, so we kind of had to cram that preparation in a little bit early. No biggie.

Except, and I do understand, travelling is stressful, and preparing for that is also busy, time consuming work. My friend had many loose ends to tie up before she went away, pets to organise and work of her own day job to complete. So she had worked with my kids on some of the subjects in week 8 of term, and said we would do the remaining subjects the following week. Which was no problem, as she typically works with the kids early in the week, they would still be prepared for any upcoming assessments, so I wasn’t worried. In week 9 we got the expected timetable of assessments which I shared with my friend, to make sure she was aware of what needed to be covered. So I was a bit annoyed when she later asked if she could come later in the week, past the assessment dates. I told her that unfortunately, as per the schedule I sent, she would need to work with them before that at the scheduled time.

This encounter was horrible for us both. I don’t think of myself as her boss, or employer, and I don’t like enforcing boundaries on the basis of payment, so it wasn’t comfortable for me to assert that I pay her to work with them and I expected her to be there. (My language to her was much softer than this, I assure you.) And you could feel the tension in the air after she left that afternoon too, as she did not appreciate the power shift in our dynamic and feeling like I was basically in control of her actions.

There was no big important reason she couldn’t come on the scheduled day, it was just going to be more convenient for her to do it on a different day when she was going to be travelling our way anyway. So it shouldn’t have upset her too much that I needed her on this occasion to come on the scheduled day, but I could feel that it did upset her. She could probably also feel that I was annoyed by the request, when I had sent her the schedule and she could see that it was going to be important to study before the exams, not after.

Of course, she had bigger things on her mind, but my children are the biggest thing on mine and that is why I invest in her services to begin with!

I don’t regret hiring my friend, she is worth her weight in gold and has helped my struggling child improve his results and open up opportunities he might not have had otherwise. But it does raise issues of power struggles, and sometimes feeling used, abused, and uncared for, misunderstood or unreciprocated.

I used to pay my mate less than other people, for example, a mates rates situation. But, eventually, she had taken on more financial debt, and she had to awkwardly sit me down and ask me to pay full price. I know that was not easy on her, and I had never meant to make her feel disrespected or taken advantage of by paying her less. So I agreed to pay her what she charges, as she is worth it, and I appreciate the work she does for us. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel annoyed and had to go home and figure out how I would pay the difference.

Similarly, while she is away, I board her cat. I do not charge her a fee for this. He is a sweet animal and no real trouble, and my own cat seems to enjoy the company and someone to wrestle with. She provides some food, but generally her cat prefers to eat whatever my own cat is eating, and I use my own litter for his tray. To be clear, my friend did ask me if I would like to be paid for this, and I told her I would not accept any money. It doesn’t feel right to me to be paid for a gesture of friendship and goodwill. However, there have been plenty of times when I have helped her professionally and we have both jokingly referred to me as her assistant…. And she has never once offered, nor have I asked, to be paid for those services. That isn’t a problem, but it is an area that could cause resentments easily.

So unless you are really comfortable with your friend, really comfortable having difficult conversations, trust that butting heads with them from time to time wont cause major conflict and impact your personal relationship, I would tend to advise not to employ your friends, nor to work for them! Really think about it! If you still rush into it like I did…. To quote Taylor Swift…. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Emotional Reactivity

On Mother’s Day this year, we also celebrated my brother’s birthday. It wasn’t his birthday that day, to be clear, it was 2 weeks after mothers day or so, but my mum asked my brother if he would prefer to combine the celebrations. He conceded that this seemed like a good plan, rather than do another family gathering just weeks later, and said if I wasn’t organized for a gift, not to worry too much as he wasn’t bothered. This annoyed me somewhat as I had already messaged him a month or so at least before that to tell him that his awesome birthday gift had just arrived and I couldn’t wait to give it to him! Haha (He is a massive Star Trek fan and I had bought him the uniform hoodie, and he did love it, and put it on immediately!)

Anyway, this wasn’t exactly new, as we have from time to time celebrated my brother’s birthday on Mother’s day. I think the last time we did so because it was more convenient for my mother. This is important, because it seems that it is ok for her to make that decision herself, however when my brother made it, she felt hurt.

Naturally, as my children are still not adults and live under my roof, I do see them on their birthdays and I do quietly agree with my mother that it is somewhat my celebration as much as theirs, as I was the vessel through which they made their way into  this world! So I cannot say I would not also be hurt in the future when my children inevitably prefer to see friends and lovers on their birthdays instead of their birthgiver! I have no doubt I will also feel a bit sorry for myself and I hope my mother is understanding and forgiving when I complain to her instead of remining me of all the times I did the same and reminding me of this article. But it proves my point is all mum! Love you!

So what point is it that I am trying to prove? After my brothers actual birthday, he called our father to check in after dad had some minor surgery. During the conversation my brother disclosed that him and his wife and children had gone out to an expensive restaurant to celebrate his birthday. My mother said it was a good thing he told my father and not her directly or she may not have been able to hold her tongue about feeling unchosen and edged out of his life.

I completely understand my mums thoughts and feelings on that and her feelings are valid. The danger lies in telling yourself that because how you feel is valid, that your thoughts are true. My brother thought we had already celebrated his birthday, which we had, and so he felt free to do a thing with his immediate family on the day. I am not sure what mum expected him to do exactly? Just tell his wife and children not to mention or celebrate his birthday at all? Of course they wanted to celebrate him, and I am thrilled that they did!

When you look at it from a further distance, had we all been celebrating he would have felt obliged to suggest a less expensive restaurant, incase we couldn’t or didn’t want to spend that much celebrating his birthday. He would have had to make it at a time convenient for 10 to 12 people instead of just 4. He would maybe have had to invite people he didn’t particularly want there, like inlaws for example, and then they couldn’t just leave when they were ready. It becomes a big thing when you include other people! It definitely isn’t because he would rather not see his mother on his birthday. Which is definitely the story my mother is telling herself and it is making her feel sad.

Of course it is making you feel sad, but when you stop and realise it isn’t about you, and it isn’t the narrative you are assuming, it is much easier to swallow. Plus, I have to ask myself why she made the suggestion in the first place if she wasn’t really ok with him not celebrating his birthday with all of us? Was this a test he failed to reassure her that he prefers and chooses her? That’s not a kind gesture, and sets him up to fail. It also sets her up to confirm her worst fears too.

The final truth of the matter is that my brothers family like that restaurant and they wanted to go there, and his birthday was just an excuse to do that. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. And when you take all the emotion out of it, that is what you are left with.

So at least mum and I can agree that it was better that my brother spoke to my father that day, because she is emotionally reactive. So am I, I guess I get it from her! But  I am learning to be better, and I hope she is too. Because it is ok for her to feel hurt and pushed out of his life, and it is ok if that feels true to her. But there is no point trying to push that narrative onto my brother, who, to be fair, would only deny it even if it were true. But if that is what my mum truly felt, pushed out of his life, why not milk every excuse to be in it and not offer in the first place to step aside? Why not be honest and say “yes I do want to see you on your birthday, you are my son, I gave birth to you, this is our celebration together.” Instead of pretending to be nonchalant about it then getting hurt.

My brother was 48 this year. He doesn’t care who he saw or didn’t see, it’s just another day for him, but I know he would never intend to hurt my mother either. I know mum wont say any of this to him, in time her feelings will pass, but I hope she stops continuing to look for evidence that he doesn’t care and starts looking for evidence that he does. Because she will find that too, plenty of it. These feelings will pass, and the reactions we didn’t have we can’t regret, but if she doesn’t change the story she is telling herself in her head, the feelings will keep coming back and the reactivity will be harder to resist. It might be more honest, helpful and vulnerable to ask “why did you choose not to see us for your birthday?” And let him explain the logistical reasons I listed above, than to immediately say “You don’t care about me, you just want me gone from your life. You can’t even see me on your birthday and I gave birth to you” for example. (Mum did not say any of that.)

Emotional reactivity is detrimental to our relationships, family, romantic, colleague or friend. We must let ourselves feel and then let ourselves think clearly before we burn bridges. So just try and look at the bigger picture before you react. Communication is entirely different from emotional reactivity, ask the questions and be willing to hear and accept the answers. Don’t ask until you’re calm enough to hear and accept that it wasn’t about you and it isn’t what you assumed. Which means being vulnerable, taking time to respond and not react and questioning your feelings and the stories in your mind. Those are your insecurities and fears, don’t let them drive you  if you want your relationships to survive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Object Constancy, Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

A few weeks ago, Facebook had some sort of glitch that sent unprompted friend requests to people without your permission if you so much as clicked on their profile picture. For those of you who struggle with stalking exes and people from your past, crushes, and haters, this was bad news. Now that person you were stalking would be informed that you were creeping! Cringe. I wasn’t too worried though, as that isn’t really something I tend to do. So if that was you, and you got sprung, the good news is that you probably have a good healthy sense of whole object relations and object constancy! Go  you!

So, what are whole object relations and object constancy? According to this article on Psychology Today, “whole object relations means an ability to form an integrated realistic and relatively stable image of oneself and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects, and also strengths and flaws.”

While this article from Psych Central describes Object Constancy as “the ability to retain a bond with the other person – even if you find yourself upset, angry or disappointed by their actions.”

Both skills develop in childhood after we learn object permanence, which is described on WEBMD as “understanding that people and items still exist even when you can’t see or hear them.” So babies like playing peek a boo because they genuinely think your face disappears when they can no longer see it, and it is both magical and a relief when it reappears.

I know all of you have object permanence in that sense. You know if your best friend doesn’t come to your house every morning that they still exist and that they have probably gone to work or school or are in bed sleeping. However, if you lack object constancy, long breaks from communication can lead you to feel uncared for if you don’t hear from them, and this can taint your ability to feel connected to them and like they are still your friend.

People who struggle with these issues typically have a more black and white thinking structure, (who me? Never?) and when people hurt us, it can be hard for us to stay connected to them. That might be because they betrayed us in some way and broke our hearts and trust, or just that they moved jobs and lost touch. Either one may lead to the black and white conclusion that the person doesn’t care for you and is a bad person/friend. Once that split in thinking has occurred, somehow it is easy for us to just go about pretending that person never existed and we don’t feel the need to check up on them as we don’t generally think about them at all. Perhaps as a defense mechanism because thinking of them elicits pain or also, because we lack stable self image too, seeing or thinking of them can illicit feelings of failure and shame... All things we would rather avoid thank you very much.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/257127459958785919/

So if you were caught out stalking someone from your past in the Facebook glitch, chances are, despite the circumstances, pain, distance or feelings between you and them, you probably remember some of their good traits too, the good times and feel stable enough in yourself to feel fine if they have moved on without you for example, looking at them isn’t triggering for you. This is a positive thing!

What made this come up for me recently was my post on feeling unchosen. Because I was able to reflect that the first time that happened to me, I lost object constancy and whole object relations, and forgot all the positives about the friend I cut out of my life. Suddenly all I could grasp were the negative things about her, about our friendship, about her life and her choices… and equally all I could remember were my own virtuous moments. While I don’t regret that friendship ending, I am surprised by the evidence of this split in thinking and the ways in which I saw my friend instantly and irrevocably changed. I can think of at least one other instance in which this split in thinking has occurred, but in that instance I can’t really think of too many ways in which I failed that friend, whereas with the former I failed her many times in many ways too. And she never split on me really and judged me based on my failings as I had done that final time before I discarded her. Was my split in thinking because feeling unchosen was making me have to face some ugly truths that perhaps there were genuine reasons why I wasn’t the best and obvious choice?  Was I reacting emotionally and discarding her before she got a chance to slowly and painfully discard me by replacing me with my ex and his new wife? Looking back, maybe. And maybe that is why I had to hold on to the negatives and convince myself that this was not a good fit and never had been.

I want to be clear that the negatives I remember were real, and I honestly believe we weren’t good for each other. But there were good times, positive memories and I did choose her for many years so there was reason for that. And, as I said, there were plenty of ways in which I was negative for her too, probably didn’t always choose her, although I was adamant I had at the time and this was an unacceptable betrayal of loyalty. Who ends a 30 year friendship over a few get togethers without an invite? People who lack whole object relations and object constancy, that’s who. (And yes, people who were maybe looking for an exit to begin with?)

But the good news is, once you are aware of this tendency, you can learn to change it. So this time when my name didn’t make that invite list, I was able to remind myself of all the positive qualities about my friend, about our time together, and about how much I do still want and value her in my life, even if I did find her choice on this occasion somewhat hurtful to my pride. I was able to see the bigger picture, and remove myself from emotional reactivity. I was able to maintain a positive stable image of my friend despite her perceived error in judgement against me, and maintain a positive stable image of myself and knowing it wasn’t actually about me at all, and that she still loves and values me.

https://triggeryourtrip.com/emotional-path/emotional-permanence/

It’s a struggle and a journey for us all. But if you are still learning like me, at least you weren’t caught out stalking any exes. Because the way we are, when people are out of sight, that often means they are out of mind too, and we assume that is mutual! I suppose maybe there is a silver lining  to every cloud.

This one goes out to my stalker! Haha I know your secret, and it’s very flattering that you still think of me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Choose Wisely, When You Feel Unchosen.

Feeling Unchosen Sucks!

I have detailed in the past about a situation that arose whereby someone I considered a best friend had a dinner party, before which she sat me down and explained that she felt terrible, but that I wouldn’t be invited as my ex fiancé and his new wife were attending and it was going to be in everyone’s best interests that I not be there. Blindsided by that proverbial slap in the face, I politely agreed that I would prefer not to attend with them, and absolved her of her guilt. I cried all the way home when I left her house though, struggling to understand what had just happened.

I believed my friend when she said she felt terrible, and I knew that was why she had sat me down and tried to talk it through. Otherwise there was a good chance I never would have even known about said dinner party anyway, but rather than risk having me find out some other way, she felt the best and right thing to do was to be honest about it and explain it away. I reasoned that she wasn’t wrong, I would prefer not to socialize with my ex fiancé and his new wife. (For fairness I should probably clarify that I was the one who ended the engagement, in favour of exploring my sexuality, and that he was a respectable, nice, down to earth guy. After me, he happened to date and marry someone else within my wider friendship circle. This person and I were not directly friends, but we had mutual friends, and there had always been a sense of unease between us, as I had always felt she wanted what I had, first my best friends, then my ex.)

Anyway, no matter how hard I tried to understand and justify that my friend had every right to invite or not invite whomever she pleased to her dinner parties, and that I had always known she socialized with a group including my ex and his new wife, I couldn’t make it stop hurting. The crux of the matter was that I felt she was choosing him over me. (I blasted Tiffany’s “should’ve been me” on repeat in the car, although the concept of the song was a romantic pairing, the chorus sentiment was the same!) I never asked her to choose, of course, that would be wrong. As I said, I knew she travelled in circles with the ex, and attended parties with  that group to which I was not a member. It just never occurred to me that she would be expected in turn to host, and that I would be excluded. I sat her down and explained to her in what I remember as one of the most emotional conversations of my life how hurt and betrayed and confused I had felt, and she said she understood, never wanted me to feel  that way and would not put me in that position again.

I thought that meant she would invite me in future, but what she really meant was that she just wouldn’t inform me of my exclusion in future. When I found out, my heart broke and I did not handle the situation with maturity or grace or forethought. I wrote a scathing email detailing how I had been wronged, I had never wronged her (in that manner, in other ways, I had indeed wronged her in harmful ways) and I ended a 30 year friendship. I don’t regret losing that friendship, it was toxic to us both and it is for the best that we no longer associate. However, I deeply regret the ways I handled the whole thing, it was reactive and unnecessary and over 10 years later, I see that I made it about me when it wasn’t, and although I had always said I didn’t make her choose between him and I, in effect, I was asking her to choose and the minute the choice wasn’t me, I made that choice final.

I learned a lot from that situation, I felt, and although it was painful, it was necessary for personal growth and reflection, and how to be better in the future. Not that I ever expected to be in that position again…. Until I was. The situation this time was a little different, because instead of an ex fiancé, the person was an ex friend.

However, once again there was a gathering to which I was not invited in favour of someone else, and I felt the sting of being unchosen. And I felt it just as fiercely as I had the first time! Again I felt blindsided and again I felt hurt, angry and unchosen.

This time, however, I had the chance to reflect back, and know that it isn’t about me. That if I am committed to not making people choose between myself and someone who prefers not to associate with me, I have to accept that there is not just one choice. That life is full of choices, and that sometimes it wont be me, and that has to be ok. To acknowledge all the times that I am chosen, which is frequently, and all the ways that I know my friend shows me love and care. That it isn’t that they prefer the other person, but it also isn’t their fault that me and someone else don’t get along for whatever reason. I was the one who fell out with them, and the consequences of that are mine, and that of the other party. Sometimes there is a seat at the table for me, and sometimes I have to graciously stay home so the other person can take that seat.

I don’t believe any of the people I have fallen on bad terms with are bad people, or deserve to be unchosen any more than I believe I am a bad person who deserves to be unchosen. So this time, I am pleased to say that I did handle myself with grace and maturity. I recognize that it is ok, normal even, to feel the sting of exclusion, but that I don’t have to act on that feeling. It feels better to act in compassionate ways towards my ex friend who is going through a period of change in her life and could probably use the support and good times more than me right now. To choose to believe my friend who is hosting, will always make room for me at her table when it matters, and when I need it most, and to just remember, this is not about me.

That’s not to say I didn’t express my hurt feelings, I did, and I gave my friend the room to validate that she understood the root cause of my distress, but then I acknowledged that it was only my ego that hurt, not my heart, and my ego will recover.

Next time you feel upset or angry or hurt, I encourage you to take the time to explore that feeling. Take a moment to really indulge in the feelings as they aren’t wrong, so just let them sit, before you respond to them or act on them. Hopefully some time will let some perspective permeate. For me, it meant separating “I feel hurt from being excluded” from “my friend hurt me by excluding me.” Feeling hurt does not mean somebody hurt me. Feeling unchosen once does not mean someone doesn’t choose me.

It might sound like mental gymnastics, but the narratives we tell ourselves matter, and our feelings change based on them. So I choose to remind myself that my friend loves me, she also loves my ex friend, and that is a beautiful powerful thing we are both lucky to embrace because she has enough love for us both even when we no longer have enough for each other. Now it is my turn to gracefully return to her the love, forgiveness and understanding she has bestowed upon me for years and I know this time instead of tearing us apart, it can grow us closer together. And the choice was always mine to make. Choose wisely when feeling unchosen!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Red Flag or Red Rag?

In the last few weeks I have talked about my abandonment issues and my need to be liked. This week I am wanting to explore how my focus on hiding myself to be liked, has led me to find myself in friendships with people who are in some way avoidant. My inability to end friendships with people I didn’t like, and my inability to actually discern who liked me and who didn’t. Not only that, but my inability to discern who was interested in being friends with me and who wanted more. Mostly my inability to actually know who I liked and what I wanted and act on that.

I knew I had sexual feelings towards the first girl I kissed, but it was her who made the first move, got us into an intimate position and had the bravery to be honest and say “It feels really nice cuddling up with you.” Looking back, maybe she just wanted to know, was I gay? I’m sure she felt my eyes dancing all over her body. But I never would have done more than look without her invitation.

I knew I didn’t appreciate one friend’s sense of humour or entitlement, but I was unable to admit to myself that I didn’t like her.

I knew I wasn’t interested in my first fiancé. There was a misunderstanding as we sat on the bench side by side. I placed my hand down to shuffle myself over and away from him, but his hand was there, and he thought I was trying to hold it, and he grabbed on. I knew I didn’t want to be holding his hand, but I couldn’t find the words to extricate myself from the situation. I knew I didn’t want to marry him, but I didn’t know how to say so. (Obviously I eventually found the words, but if I had found them that first night, I could have saved us both a lot of rubbish.)

Those were not bad people, not unavailable, I was just unable to reveal what I really wanted or felt and or didn’t want or didn’t feel. If they liked me, how much I liked them, how I wanted or didn’t want them to act towards me wasn’t important. What they wanted was important. Being liked. Being accepted. At all costs.

But in time, I would find people who didn’t seem to like me. I don’t know if they didn’t, for sure, but they seemed aloof, disinterested. They withheld attention. I don’t know if they saw through me, but something about their disinterest and dislike captivated me. I needed to prove to them that I was good enough, if they needed me to earn their trust and attention, it was an irresistible challenge. The less they liked me, the more I seemed to like them. Perhaps I believed they saw me as I saw myself and I feared that if I couldn’t win their approval my worst fears about myself being unworthy and unlikeable would be true.

I also felt these individuals were in some way better than me, cooler, badder, more secure in who they were and didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought about them. These people seemed to possess something that was out of my reach, and so I thought they too, were out of my reach. In each stage in my life, perhaps they represented whatever it was I aspired to at that time.

My first proper girlfriend, I chased her, flirted with her, tried to get her attention for a good few years before she succumbed to my charm. In my eyes she was popular, something about her has always been charismatic and charming and easy. But there was a sadness in her eyes too. Everybody saw what she wanted them to see, but I wanted to solve the mystery. I wanted to see beyond the laughter, I wanted her to show me herself. And I suppose it is fair to say, after a while, the attention probably intoxicated her, and she succumbed to my charms and finally let me in. She is beautiful inside and out. But when she first kissed me, I felt something hard to explain. Whole. Enough. Accepted. Peaceful. I could stop trying, finally. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, but that is a whole other lesson.

My son’s father was the next to withhold noticing me. To be fair, I think he was probably too spaced out on weed to notice much at all. Seemingly out of nowhere oneday he noticed me, and I felt alive. The next day, it was like I didn’t exist. To quote Taylor Swift “You look like my next mistake.” Except he wasn’t, not really, because my son is no mistake, however unplanned he was. But this hot and cold behaviour was something I could not ignore. I could not tolerate it. He said he loved me, but he treated me like he didn’t even like me. Yep. Bingo. I needed to win him over, I need him to accept me. He wasn’t capable. I thought he knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but maybe he knew I was too good for him. And I don’t mean that the way it sounds. But I was a good girl, seeking approval and he was the opposite, rebelling against it. He wanted me, but only on his terms. My only need was for him to like me. But soon enough my son came along and absolved me of that need. I was everything my son’s father needed, but not a thing he wanted. And I never could have been, so I am forever blessed that my son came along and made me think of his needs because I wasn’t really acting on my own wants or needs.

My point is, that those of us who have a need to be liked at all costs, deny our needs to the point that we forget we have any and end up getting tangled up in friendships and relationships that are hurtful and damaging not only to ourselves, but to the people around us.  I realise they were romantic examples, but there are also plenty of friendship examples where I have a need to appease the other person at the expense of myself too. And even workplace examples because this unhealthy need to be like takes over every aspect of your world.

So the first steps are realising when you feel uncomfortable in small ways and acting or speaking immediately. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking assertively but calmly and not emotionally charged. And realising it is ok if you don’t like someone and if someone doesn’t like you, it is not a challenge or a problem to be solved. It is just a fact. Repeat after me, and repeat it until you believe it. “I like me, just the way I am.” When you really feel it, when people treat you poorly, you will see it as a red flag not a red rag to a bull.

If you find yourself repeatedly giving more than you are getting and you don’t know why, that’s the first red flag. They aren’t better than you. It doesn’t matter if they like you or not. If you like you, stop accepting less than you deserve and trying to prove you deserve happiness. You do. Go find it. Somewhere else.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friendship formula fails.

Last week I spoke about my need to be liked exceeding my need to be loved, and the things in my life that had led me down that pathway. Even though it would seem my mother was at the root of much of this, she was always the first to point out that she didn’t like my friends and didn’t think they treated me well or reciprocated my efforts. Isn’t that interesting? We can see when other people do it, but not when we do it ourselves. And those are always the qualities we dislike in others the most.

What else is interesting is that in part, I learned the skills of being a super good friend from my mother, by observing her with her friends. As an adult, I see that friendship wasn’t the only area in my mothers life where she made herself a martyr. Sacrificial should have been her middle name. She would never take the last biscuit, always served herself last and ate whatever was left of the meal she slaved over, and also said yes when it was less convenient. She always paid attention to her friends. She knew what your favourite drink was and she would have it there. She knew your dietary requirements and she would make you a special meal. She knew your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s name and asked about it if it was important to you. She knew what your plans were this week and she would always remember to follow up on it the next time she saw you. If you had a medical condition, she had researched it and wanted to help you. She is a very attentive and caring person.

She tends not to like my friends, because they aren’t like her. They don’t remember the details, and don’t notice if I haven’t shared the details. What I find fascinating is that she doesn’t notice that her own friends are no better. And just like me, the less they offer in return, the more she invests. It could be the time in her life of course. Now my parents are retired, they are very busy social butterflies, but it is wonderful to see this and how happy it makes them. It also gives me hope.

Because in this stage of my life, no amount of effort makes any difference. From 25-65 perhaps, people are simply too busy to invest in friendships. The formula that used to work – being the perfect friend for each person used to guarantee me time with that person, no longer works. When they have a spare minute, I am often still the one person they want around. But they just don’t get many spare moments. And when you have made yourself a professional friend, but nobody is interested in friendship no matter how great it is, you feel a little like Kodak photo printing centres. Superfluous to requirements.

My husband has never understood. He knows that I am social and respects that I need my friends, although he often jokes that they are more important to me than him. I know many people, my friends included wonder if it is because I love women more than men. (I do, but I do not love my friends more than my husband!) It is simply because I am secure in my relationship with him, and I don’t feel like I NEED him, despite my 100% financial dependence. I feel loved. What I need is to feel liked.

It’s not lost on me that my friends cannot meet this need, when the need stems from the fact that I don’t believe I am likeable, because I haven’t given very many people the chance to like me authentically. The ones that do, I value more than the world, but they probably are the friends that have the least time to offer.

Anyway, my point is, that in this stage of my life, my challenge for myself is to be more authentic and surround myself with people who respect and support that. I also have to accept that not everyone will like me, and that will be ok, if I like me. That starts by respecting myself and saying no when I want to, expressing my wants and needs and not overcompensating for being less than them because I am not straight and feeling like it is a blessing anyone would hang out with me at all.

But it also means taking some time to really be more of a friend to myself. To find ways to get validation outside of friends and to find something else I am good at when the demand for good friends is so low in my current demographic. Because actually much of the time I am such a good friend that I make my friends feel like bad friends. Much like my mother, they want to meet my needs and reciprocate, they do love me, but they just don’t have the time for me.

It’s not going to be easy when I have prided myself on this and it is the only thing I really know I excel at. It’s not going to be easy for my friends as I pull back somewhat to focus on myself. As I start asserting better boundaries and doing what I want to do instead of what they want me to do or what I have always done. It will feel to them that I am changing when really, for the first time I am being honest. In the past I was somewhat trying to control or manipulate them into being my friend, making myself valuable for them, and never asking them to be valuable to me in return.

Now I have to trust them, trust myself, and see what wonderful beautiful things unfold. See if I can find true happiness and exist because I stopped putting myself in the supporting role and stepped into the light, into my power, into myself. I don’t know much about myself, to be honest. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t been able to show my friends who I am. I have been so busy being who I am not or who I think they wanted me to be. But I look forward to finding out, even if it means I have to walk alone.

Friends are important to your happiness, and my friends do and will continue to contribute to my happiness, but if you make them responsible for your happiness, you wont be happy for long. Take it from me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is being a good friend the key to having good friends?

As I spoke with my mother at my son’s birthday party at an adventure park just before Easter, we touched on my abandonment issues stemming from the fact that as I child I craved companionship, company and attention… much more than my mother had to offer. It’s not that I was abandoned. I am close with my mother, she never walked away, although there were times when I am sure she thought about it! It’s just that those emotional needs to feel loved, delighted in, played with, spoken to and included went unmet.

As a solution to this problem, my mum did her best to make sure I always had a friend to meet this need. She liked to make sure I had someone to play with. It wasn’t always possible, and sometimes she thought the older kids we hung out with would include me, although they most often told me to go away too.

This feeling was pervasive my whole childhood, the only people who WANTED to spend time with me were my friends, and soon into adolescence, as a result, they were the only people I wanted to spend time with too. My friends met an emotional need for love, connectedness, emotional intimacy and feeling seen. They validated me. I felt they liked me.

During those years though, as a girl, I was not immune to the relational aggression that carries on. For me, and maybe for all teen girls, it was a fate worse than death. It consumed me when a friend had stopped speaking to me for some reason, and I lived in absolute fear of losing the only people I had who seemed to acknowledge my existence, and even welcomed it. Because I lived in fear of this, I actively tried to avoid it at all costs. This meant trying my hardest to be liked. Never being disagreeable. Telling people what they wanted to hear, and most often being who I thought they wanted me to be rather than who I am.

For example a few of my friends went above and beyond to protect my image and defend my honour against all the swirling rumours about my budding lesbianism. They were adamant that as people who spent the most time with me in the world they would surely know something so big about me. But they didn’t. They didn’t really know me at all. They all praised me on what a good friend I was and how lucky they felt to have me in their lives, but they never noticed I only played a supporting role. That I never talked about myself, but listened to them. That I never made a suggestion or request, but went along with whatever they wanted.

And on the odd occasions I did let someone down, I paid the price as they never hesitated to tell me how disappointed they were in me and how hurt they were by my actions, often times pulling their friendship away. If it was a tactic to gain my attention – it worked and I tirelessly chased them and apologised and tried to make it up to them. This was true even if the only thing I had done was invite one friend for a sleepover instead of the other. The minute I did what I wanted to do for myself, there was a price to pay.

As I mentioned earlier, I was always too much for my mother. She couldn’t handle my need for attention, and when I would get angry or upset about it, without fail, she laughed. I know this was her coping mechanism now, as an adult and an attempt to calm the situation down, however it was invalidating and taught me that my feelings were a joke and I was better not to ever expose them to anyone because everything I felt was wrong. She would respond when I said “You don’t love me, you only love my brother.” She would sit me down and tell me she loved me but explain that basically she liked my brother better. (They shared a sense of humour, he was more pliable and obedient than me, he was smarter, less needy, more mature being 6 years older, and quiet. They had more in common. He took after her whereas I took after my dad.)

On some level, as a result of this, I learned that I am too much, that I am not likeable. And I realise I have carried that with me into adulthood and into my friendships.

I wasn’t dumb as a doorknob, although many people in my life have assumed that I am, because I have a tendency to make myself smaller so other people can shine. But I was no Einstein either. I wasn’t winning awards every day, and although I was the top science student when I graduated, nobody seemed to notice or care particularly. I wasn’t a supermodel (although when I starved myself people did start noticing me for a change.) I wasn’t really the best at anything. I had no talents like playing a sport or an instrument or being artistic. I am messy and disorganised (on the surface anyway) and I frequently heard how I was boring and lazy.

I now know that I was scared, hiding, and facing worlds of rejection. Didn’t seem to be the daughter my mother had prayed for, wasn’t the academic success my father hoped for, wasn’t thin and attractive, didn’t like to read, and was fairly sure I was gay. I wasn’t what anybody wanted me to be. Except a good friend. And being that met a need. I could not live without my friends. If it was a choice between being loved and ignored or liked and included, I would choose like every time.

Now, I had a good childhood, and I can only imagine the horrors other people faced, so I am not asking you to pull out the worlds smallest violin. I am merely explaining how friendship came to be like my fulltime job, and how I have learned to be a good friend at the expense of being myself. And actually I am coming to learn that this alone, sometimes makes me a bad friend. I say yes when I mean no, and hold quiet resentment. I try harder when really what I want is for them to try harder. I give my time and energy so they don’t have to and I make it easy, beneficial, even to have me as a friend. And I do all of this out of the belief that they will leave if I don’t.

But it costs me true vulnerability. Which I am learning that I am terrified of actually, and that I hold people at a distance in order to have them hold me close. It costs me those feelings of authentic closeness that I have craved. Because it’s dishonest. I am not the worlds nicest person or the best friend anyone could have. I will be, if you want, but it isn’t who I am.

I learned early on that in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. Except I heard that in order to have friends at all you need to be the worlds best friend. And it just isn’t true. I didn’t care if my friends were good or not, just that they were there! Added to which the problem I soon encountered is that when you are a super good friend in high school, people want to include you. But after they have partners and jobs and life moves on, the formula isn’t quite so effective…. More on that next week!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Case Study; Part 5, Reflections.

Ok, the last 4 episodes of this blog, if you can call them that, was a fictional story about 2 friends, Liz and Pam, who come to blows when Liz falls in love and can no longer meet Pam’s expectations of friendship. I am willing to bet we all have that one friend who loses herself in romance and kind of drops her friends like hot potatoes. And anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a dumping knows, it hurts! You do feel used and disposable and not good enough. But just because you do feel that way, doesn’t mean the other person intended to make you feel that way, or actually made you feel that way.

Which tends to be where things can get a bit confusing, can’t it readers? I get so many questions about this topic in particular, sometimes from the forgotten friends, and sometimes from the long lost lovers. The story is pretty much always the same. The forgotten friends feel, well, forgotten, and the long lost lovers feel their friend’s expectations of them haven’t adjusted to allow for the new relationship and they want things to just  stay the same when a big change has happened.

It was the same with Liz and Pam. So they had time apart, and even more things changed. But this time, for the better. Let’s look at some of the things each woman accepted accountability for.

Liz realized their whole friendship had been somewhat centered around herself, her family, her dating, her drama’s, her other friendships, and that she was often dismissive of Pam when she tried to exist in their friendship. Liz never really asked about Pam, always expected her to be available whenever Liz wanted or needed and Liz had accused Pam of being jealous and insecure, when the truth was, she had also felt jealous of Pam, and later in the story felt insecure when Pam had made new friends in her absence. She kind of liked that Pam had no real life of her own… until it was inconvenient for Liz when she met Dan. At the end of the story, Liz wondered if Pam even still had room for their friendship in her new life, and she realized that this is exactly how Pam must have felt when she announced her engagement to Dan. She finally understood that for 2 years, Pam had stood by and watched helplessly as Liz replaced her with Dan, and made no real time or effort to still offer any attention and be there for Pam.

Similarly, Pam also made some reflections. She wasn’t in a good place at the time of the engagement, and she hadn’t actually disclosed any of that to Liz, so how was she supposed to understand how hurt and triggered Pam was. She had never told Liz that she felt replaced, and reflected that at best she was passive aggressive about things, like mentioning food poisoning when Liz gushed about naked pancakes in her kitchen that first date with Dan. She blamed Liz for abandoning her, instead of taking accountability for the fact that her life was small. She had allowed Liz to fill the gaps in her life, and came to expect her to continue to do so. She reflected she didn’t really have friends of her own, or any hobbies really. None of that was Liz’s fault, and yet, when she felt alone, she misdirected that anger at Liz. But in reality she had to change her own life to be happier and more fulfilled.

Time apart was essentially good, and maybe even essential for these friends, as it gave them the chance to miss one another and decide they really did want to reconcile and be better friends to one another. Pam had time to implement changes in her life, and move on from the rut that had become of her friendship with Liz. While Liz had time to cool off, and remember the reasons she did actually value Pam once all the pressure and tension was gone. She also needed time to reflect on the more selfish aspects of her personality and how it played out toxically in their friendship. She needed time apart to realise that she didn’t really know Pam, because she hadn’t tried to know. She expected Pam to be there for her, but she hadn’t returned the favour.

Their reconciliation doesn’t focus on apologies or hashing over the past, but instead on change, moving forward and how to be different together, to build a new friendship, instead of trying to continue on as they were. Liz realized she would now need to share Pam as she expanded her life to include new people and things, and that she would need to make more effort to spend quality time just the 2 of them together so they could actually talk and share intimately. Pam realized Liz was perfectly entitled to live her life and fall in love, and that it was unrealistic to expect things wouldn’t change. Of course Liz would prefer romantic weekend getaways to platonic ones, and would like to spend quality alone time with her partner after they both worked a long day. That she had used Liz to fill a void in her life but  it was never Liz’s responsibility to fill it in the first place. She had done so well and willingly, but without realizing the burden of expectation for this to continue.

So each woman had to take ownership of her flaws and the role she played in the demise of their friendship. Each had to forgive the other, and move on, let the grievances go, and this wasn’t possible until they each addressed themselves and got healthier. Once they had done the work on themselves, none of it mattered anymore. Anger passed, as it does, turning to sadness.

I once read a quote that spoke to me. It said “when someone says I hate you, they really mean you hurt me.” The women could have stayed friends all along if they had been willing to communicate. But each thought the other would judge her and be angry. So then they created that exact situation. Pam should have said to Liz early on “I still need some girl time with you, there are things I want to discuss without Dan, when you can fit me in please?” And Liz should have said “I feel jealous that you were promoted and I wasn’t. I’m left behind.” Each woman needed comfort and reassurance from the other but expected each other to be psychic about what they were feeling, wanting and needing.

In the end they split because each had needs that were not being met, and neither communicated those needs calmly. But in the end it doesn’t matter what they should have done, because it worked out. Space did meet their needs, I suppose, and they got to decide it was a break and not an ending. Of course, this has to be a mutual decision, and someone has to be brave enough to go first. Pam went first, but Liz wasn’t ready. However, then at least Liz knew Pam might be receptive when and if she was.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? It could have been over forever, but they were brave enough in the end that it wasn’t. Are you?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Case Study; Part 4; Reaching Out and Reconciliations, Liz and Pam

Over the past few weeks we have heard about the demise of a 10 year best friendship between Liz and Pam, when Liz fell in love, and Pam felt neglected and forgotten. Last week we explored what the women thought, felt and reflected on during some space that ensued as the result of a falling out when Liz announced her engagement. After 6 months of silence, Liz has gone to Pam’s house and rang the doorbell…. What happens next? Read on to find out…. (If you missed the first instalments, and want to read them, click here for Liz is in Love. For Part 2; Possessive Pam, click here. For Part 3; Space, click here. )

Liz feels sick, maybe she should leave the flowers and drive away before Pam can answer! Too late, she hears the footsteps. Pam is confused, as she wasn’t expecting her new gay friend Max for 2 hours. “I hope he is ok” she furrows her brow as she answers the door exclaiming “Gay men are fashionably late, not early Max!” But stands in stunned silence as she is unexpectedly face to face with a person she never expected to see again. Finally she stammers “You’re not Max…” awkwardly, and Liz see’s her in! “Who is Max, she smiles, stepping forward and thrusting  the flowers into Pam’s face!

Dumbfounded, Pam follows her to the loungeroom, where Liz comments on the changes Pam has made to the furniture arrangements. “Wow, a lot changes in 6 months, you’ve got a GAY boyfriend and look at you, in your designer active wear…” Pam puts the flowers on the dining room table and Liz rushes over to find a vase and put them in water. Pam jumps on the treadmill, she needs to expel some of the nervous energy she is feeling.

Returning to the room, Liz perks on the edge of the sofa, peering at the person she thought she knew. “Aren’t you going to say hello?” Liz insists. “I wasn’t expecting you, I am a bit surprised is all” Pam responds, with a measured calm tone that irritates Liz. “Well if I am not welcome I will leave.” Liz says, standing up to leave, but leaving the invitation in an envelope on the lounge. Pam knows what it is, and still, after all this time, she still experiences a pang of disappointment that the wedding is still happening. This upsets her and makes her guilty all at once. “Stop” she says as Liz reaches the doorway. “You are always welcome here.” Her voice is not as steady and calm now, it quivers, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

“I tried to call you and message you so many times. I even wrote you a letter. You never answered. I thought I had broken us forever.” Pam lowered her head, and kept her eyes on the pedometer of the treadmill. She was thankful for the rail to hold, or she might not be able to stand at all. “Broken us?” Liz repeated, more as a question than a statement. In unison, the women both said “I wasn’t a good friend.” “Jinx” Pam yelled, as though she was still in second grade. For the first time, in a long time, they both laughed.

“You were right” Pam started “I wasn’t being supportive, I was jealous and insecure, and because of what I was going through myself, I couldn’t be happy for you. I’m sor….” “Don’t you dare apologise!” Liz cut her off before she could get the word out. “I wasn’t happy for you either, that is why I left the paper, I couldn’t stand to see you moving on up without me. Then I was awful to you, and I ‘m the one who should be…” Pam interrupted Liz this time “There’s no need for apologies. What we need is a conversation.” She spoke more confidently now, stepping away from her machine and towards Liz. “But first a hug, and a thank you for the lovely flowers.”

The 2 friends embraced, and both started smiling and crying tears of joy and relief. It felt good not to carry the grudge any longer, and even better to be together again. Grabbing some napkins from the holder on the dining table, Pam pulled out a chair and gestured for her friend to sit down, taking the napkin and dabbing her friend’s tears. “It really is so good to see you. Thank you for coming!” Liz smiled. “Thank you for letting me in!” she responded. “Well, I didn’t really, you just kind of barged in…” Pam pointed out and they laughed. “Wine.” Pam said grabbing a bottle of red and popping the cork. “We need wine…” But Liz put her hand over the glass. “Not for me” she said. Genuinely grinning, Pam asked Liz if she was pregnant. Laughing Liz shook her head. “No, I actually don’t want kids. I don’t think I have said that out loud before….” She trailed off. Pam looked concerned. “Does Dan know?” And Liz  shrugged her shoulders in a way that told Pam that he did not know. But when she opened her mouth to speak Liz stopped her and said “enough about me Pam. It was always about me. Even I am sick of me. I want to hear about you! You look great. Tell me everything, what have I missed?”

And so they talked about Pam’s health kick, and how she had changed her life, taken up fitness, made new friends, about her new friend Max who would be here soon, and about the dates she’s been on since Ben vanished for good. And of course, how Liz had been right about him, he was married, and Pam was better off without him! She disclosed her failed IVF and Liz got up and hugged her “I had no idea. I’m so sorry Pam. You would have been a great mother.”

Soon there was a knock at the door as Max let himself in. “Is someone special here?” he called as he wandered into the dining area. He could see there was a car in the driveway, so he knew she had company. “Yes!” Pam called out “very special, come and meet her.” The girls heard him squealing “HER?! Are we both queer?” And he appeared around the corner and carelessly poured himself some wine. “Well I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman, or horse” he exclaimed “You better not hurt my best friend!” Liz winced at the term. Pam had a new best friend, would there still be room for Liz in her life? “I’m not a lesbian Max, sorry to disappoint you, but this is Liz.” Max’s eyes widened as he exclaimed “THE LIZ?” Before extending a hand to her. “Pleased to meet you. She talks about you all the time, looks like I have competition now doesn’t it?” Liz held out her glass. “I think I will take some of that wine after all.”

The 3 friends sat and chatted for another hour, before Liz took her cue to leave, as she was clearly intruding on Pam’s time with Max. “I want to see you again soon, there’s still so much to talk about and you’ll need a bridesmaids dress fitting….” Pam cried again “You still want me in the wedding party.” Liz reached out and grabbed her friends hand. “Of course I do. I can’t get married to my husband without my wife. Who would I dance with then!” Heading for the front door, Liz turned to say goodbye to Max “Nice to meet you Max, we will meet again. But first I need some solo time with our bestie!... Friday night, me and you?” she motioned to Pam. “Oh I have a date Friday, sorry. Second date actually so if it goes well, I wont be free Saturday either. I’ll be at the markets on Sunday morning, then I am meeting my old school friend on Sunday night….” She trailed off, realizing how busy she had become in Liz’s absence. “Can I come with you to the markets then, on Sunday morning?” Liz asked. “At 5am? You!” Pam teased. “You’re worth it.” Liz smiled. “4.30am I will be here.”

She kissed Pam on the cheek. “I missed you so much.” Again they spoke in unison and laughed. “Whenever you need me for that dress fitting, I will make myself available.” Pam called to Liz as she made her way down the driveway in the dark. Once in the car alone, Liz felt happy and sad all at once. Pam had changed so much, she felt replaced by Max and threatened. It dawned on her that must’ve been what Pam felt about Dan, as she couldn’t remember the last time she made time for just Pam without Dan practically from that first date. She hoped they could make it work.

Tune in next week for the conclusion to this mini series folks….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Case Study; Part 3; Space between Liz and Pam….

In the past 2 weeks we read a story about 2 friends who parted ways after a 10 year friendship. First we looked at the story through the lens of Liz, the friend who fell in love and forgot her friend somewhat. Then we looked at the story through the lens of Pam, who let her own circumstances cloud her judgement and emotions. In the end, harsh words were spoken, and space was implemented. But can they recover? Read on to find out. (If you missed the first instalments, click here for Liz is in Love. For Part 2; Possessive Pam, click here.)

6 months had passed since the fatal blow at the brunch. Pam had heard nothing from Liz at all, despite numerous emails, texts, letters and voicemails she had sent begging Liz for forgiveness. These attempts at reconciliation only aggravated Liz further. She had requested time and space, and she wasn’t ready to forgive Pam. If Pam couldn’t be happy for her, then she didn’t want selfish friends like that anyway. She wanted to celebrate and enjoy this time in her life. She was moving on, moving up in the world, mingling at couples dinner parties with intellectual debates and charity events. Pam was a page in her past and nothing more.

Initially, Pam had needed time to recover and regain composure too. She needed to reflect on the role she had played in the demise of their friendship, and how her depression and loneliness had fed into this. She had come to realise that she had brought upon herself the very rejection she feared, and it was not an appropriate time for her to express herself. It was, she decided, selfish of her, and so she understood why Liz wanted nothing more to do with her. Of course she tried to explain all of this in her letters and voicemails, but she had no way of knowing if Liz even read them or listened to them. What she did know is that she had to let it go, because there was nothing she could do, and begging was getting her nowhere.

After a few months of trying, so about 3 months after their split, she stopped trying to contact Liz, and put her energies into her health. She started one of those meal box subscriptions and cooked fresh healthy meals instead of frozen dinners, and she walked on the treadmill as she watched tv in the evenings instead of laying in bed. She took a makeup class instead of Sunday Brunch, and actually made a new friend there. This friend encouraged her to give her wardrobe a makeover and put herself on a dating app! She was surprised as the offers started rolling in, and soon, her Friday nights were filled again, albeit with a different man each week! One of her first dates was a lovely, well dressed and well spoken gentleman who was clearly closeted, so Pam told him she hadn’t felt a spark romantically, but would love to continue a friendship with him. Soon after he did come out of the closet, and she was there to support him as they both tried dating men.

Pam still thought of Liz. She wondered about their wedding and often referenced her in conversations and sharing memories and pictures with her new friends, and when they asked more, she often still cried that she wished she hadn’t messed it up so terribly, but that she had grown and learned much from their falling out. She wished Liz happiness, even if she was no longer there to see it, and reassured herself that if Liz was going to have babies, there just wouldn’t be time anymore anyway, so it was for the best.

Liz was busy making wedding plans, so busy she hardly thought of Pam at all. She had vendors to call, music lists to plan, speeches to write, guest gift bags to prepare and honeymoon accommodation to research. But after 3 months of endless visits to different venues, cake tastings and arguments over centerpieces, she had finally chosen a venue and set a date.  It was time to send the save the date cards. Only then, did her mind wander back over Pam. She didn’t like thinking about Pam, as she felt a rush of guilt and shame, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on why. Because when she reminded herself that she wanted people to celebrate with her and be happy for her, that sounded reasonable. Yet, somewhere deep down, she knew she hadn’t been reasonable. She knew this was deeper, that she had harbored resentments that Pam was promoted over her, and that was the real reason she was quitting to work in admin at the practice, which was, if she was honest, wildly unfulfilling. So she knew it was somewhat hypocritical of her to accuse Pam of being jealous and unsupportive when she had secretly been feeling the same way. And Dan didn’t know Liz didn’t want kids, or the dog that he envisioned for them both, so she had felt triggered by Pam’s assumption too.

But, she continued to fume, Pam had taken over her life, became friends with her friends, came along to family functions and seemed to have no life of her own, and expected Liz to entertain her and validate her and the expectation was just asking more than Liz had to offer. Plus, Liz wondered, was she standing in the way of Pam finding someone else, by not making room? She supposed she was but reminded herself that Pam had Ben, and wasn’t interested in anyone else. She knew that he had ghosted Pam, but she felt certain that he would be back by now, just another step in the years long dance he did to maintain the distance between him and Pam. She assumed he was married but Pam wouldn’t hear about it so they didn’t discuss him much. Actually, if she was honest, they didn’t talk about Pam much at all. Certainly not her promotion. Not her relationship. Not her goals or dreams for the future….

Liz put aside a save the date card with Pam’s name neatly written on it, but she couldn’t bring herself to send it. When it was time to choose the wedding dress, her mother and her sister were there, but, she realized, the person she most often asked and trusted for fashion advice was not in the room; Pam. And when she and Dan couldn’t agree on their first dance song, or infact whether they would dance at all, she quipped at him that she’d just dance with Pam then that night. That was when it hit her, and she finally felt the loss. “Call her.” Dan said.

Instead, Liz decided to hand deliver the invitation to the wedding herself. Today was Tuesday, but she wouldn’t go today, in case Ben was there. Tomorrow, she’d go after work on Wednesday. What would she wear?.... Nervous all day, she left the practice early to change, and buy flowers. Arriving at Pam’s place, she rang the bell and waited….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A case study; Part 2; Possessive Pam

Last week we read Liz’s story, about how she fell in love with the man of her dreams, and it seemed Pam was unsupportive, jealous, possessive and unable to be happy for someone she had called her best friend for 10 years. (If you missed the first instalment, click here for Liz is in Love.)

Pam had always been quiet, shy and reserved, but somehow over their time working together and climbing the ranks together at the local paper, Liz had really brought her out of her shell. Previous to this she had 2 close friends. One she had known since her school days, whom she saw about once a month for a catch up and one she had met when she was studying journalism, but who had moved away, and probably only saw once or twice a year, although they did exchange long emails too from time to time.

She hadn’t even noticed her loneliness until Liz came along and brightened her world. She used to finish work, go home to her cat, heat up a microwave dinner and eat it in bed by 6.30pm. She would watch tv until 8.30pm, read until 9pm then turn in for the night and do it all again the next day. She saw her parents on Saturdays and filled her Sunday’s by selling home made jewellery at the early morning markets, then doing her grocery shopping and returning to her quiet house to make more jewellery. Once a month or so, on a Sunday evening, her old school friend would pop over to watch a movie and catch up on the gossip. Loyalty was important to her, so she never saw Liz on that monthly Sunday evening, and always made time to respond to her other friends emails and made time for her when she was in town.

Still, her world was small….. But once she met Liz, she was invited to big family barbeques, girls Sunday brunches, weekends away, and endless phone calls about the latest man drama. Liz’s drama, mostly. Pam wasn’t the type men seemed to notice, unless they wanted to ask for advice on how to charm Liz! She didn’t really mind though, as they had wildly different tastes in men anyway. Liz liked the tall, dark, handsome, confident and charming types, with muscles and beards and a chiseled jawline. Pam preferred funny men, tall and lanky, with a beachy long blonde hair, or nerdy, some would say.

Liz was always dating, but Pam wasn’t exactly single. She wasn’t exactly not single, either, though. She had been seeing Ben on and off for years, more casually than she would prefer. She was madly in love with him, but he only seemed to notice when it suited him. She was certain he would eventually see the error of his ways and realise everything he had ever dreamed of was right in front of him, and once he did, she assumed he would be so grateful for her patience during their early romance, that it would be worth the wait and the sacrifice. She didn’t talk about him too much because Liz would get angry and insist she deserved better, but Liz didn’t understand, Pam loved Ben, and she wanted it to work. Besides, there wasn’t always more fish in Pam’s section of the sea!

Ben typically made his way into Pam’s inbox, then straight into her bed on Tuesday evenings. She wasn’t sure why, but she liked the regularity of it, and the predictability. Occasionally he would throw her for a loop and ask to come on a Saturday, sometimes he would even stay the night. Oh how she loved those nights wrapped in his arms. She knew he loved her, but he wasn’t ready to commit. Usually he was out with the boys, and he enjoyed knowing in his absence, Pam was just as happy with Liz and the girls. He never asked her not to go on weekends away for example, and Pam enjoyed the ease and freedom their simple relationship offered.

With Liz in her life, she reasoned she didn’t need more. Marriage and kids weren’t essential, although she had thought she would be a mother by 30! But it wasn’t to be, although it played on her mind more and more as the years ticked by after that.

She wondered if that was her biological clock ticking louder, or if she just heard it more after Liz met Dan. Because suddenly he was the one invited on weekends away and to the family barbeques, and Pam realized her life was smaller and quieter. But at least she was still included in the Sunday Brunches with the girls, and she had been promoted at work finally, which kept her more busy too. She still worked at a desk next to Liz, but was often out of the office chasing bigger stories. She tried not to talk about that too much either, as she didn’t want Liz to feel left behind. In fact, she mostly listened when they talked, about Liz’s dating life, about Liz’s frustrations with work, about Liz’s family, and Liz’s dreams for her future! Pam was just happy that there seemed to be a place for her in the imagined picture really.

When things got serious with Dan, Pam talked to Ben about getting pregnant. He vanished. Pam tried to cry to Liz about it, but Liz was unsympathetic, saying she was better off without him. When Pam said she felt cheated as she had always wanted to be a mother, Liz said she couldn’t travel for work if she had a baby and to look at the bright side. So when Pam started trying IVF with donor sperm, she didn’t tell Liz. It might not work anyway.

It didn’t. So Pam found herself spiraling into a depression. She did take pills for it, but happiness was out of reach. She was single and alone and always would be. Not only that, but she felt Dan had replaced her in Liz’s life and she had just been a stand in, some sort of place holder for the real thing, to be tossed aside when something better came along.

So when she saw the ring on Liz’s finger, a lump formed in her throat. Not only was Liz looking at the future she had dreamed for herself, it also cemented her fears that she was alone, forgotten, unwanted and disposable. These emotions took her by surprise, as she knew the appropriate social reaction was not the one she felt bubbling inside her. She would have to tell Liz, that she missed her terribly, and worried there would be no room for her with the only person with whom she felt she easily belonged. She made a note to ask Liz to come over for dinner so they could talk, she would tell her about the IVF and how lonely and depressed she was feeling, and she would do it next week.

But Liz didn’t wait, she felt the tension from Pam and pulled her aside. It wasn’t how Pam wanted the conversation to happen, but she could not hide her emotions any longer. She had hoped Liz would soften, hug her, and reassure her that there would always be a seat at the table for Pam, no matter who else was at the table too. That’s what she needed. Instead, Liz was cold, harsh, mean and yet again, dismissive. She had called Pam jealous, but Pam wondered if it was Liz who was jealous, of her promotion, her freedom, the big exciting stories and a path of independence.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she left the brunch that day, but as she turned back to the group, nobody had noticed her departure or her tears. Liz was happily curled back into Dan’s arms giggling and gossiping. Pam felt stupid to believe she was ever really a member of a group of popular girls. She was never a member, only a desperate sad groupie. She wondered what they would say about her now she was exiled. She knew it didn’t matter, especially if Liz was leaving the office anyway.

Thinking back to her comments about being a maid of honour at Liz’s wedding, she now wondered if she’d even be invited. Probably not…..

And just like that, it was over. But did it have to be? Could they have worked this out? Could they still? Tune in next week to find out.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A case study. Part One. Liz is in Love!

Liz and Pam have been best friends for 10 years. They met when they were 25, where they worked together as journalists for the local newspaper. They were both wet behind the ears and learning the ropes, and as such often got the less exciting, and smaller stories to cover, often leaving them sitting at their desks spitballing ideas with each other to pitch to the editor.

This constant and consistent time together made fast friends of the pair as they bonded over the unfairness of it all, being overlooked and undervalued and not feeling they were given the true opportunity to shine. Comiseration drinks after work soon turned into long dinners and intimate chats.

Very soon they knew almost everything about one another, from problematic exes, to office crushes. They met each other’s families, went on many girls weekend getaways together, and Liz, being the more social and extroverted of the pair, introduced Pam to her other friends. Pam only seemed to have a handful of friends she described as close, but as far as Liz could tell, most  of them she didn’t see much at all. Liz, on the other hand, was always the life of the party, and never sat at home alone on a Friday night, or any other night for that matter.

Pam loved being included in this wider circle, and truly loved the new friendship she had formed with Liz. She had close friends, but now she knew what it was to have the elusive “bestie,” and she couldn’t be happier about it. Liz was the missing piece to her life.

Over the years, Liz had dated many men, but her standards were high and most didn’t even win her attention long enough for a second date. She was tall and thin and blonde, so she never had to worry that there wouldn’t be another fish in the sea. Everywhere they went some random guy would ask for her phone number or insist she take his. There were a few serious romances to note, however the longest one lasted just over a year, and the rest were lucky to reach 6 months. Liz just didn’t seem to be the type to settle.

Until she met Dan. His dark hair and light eyes captivated her, and the fact that he didn’t seem to fall at her feet like the others drove her wild. Endless hours of conversations with Pam were spent agonising over what an emoji in his text meant, or how Liz could get his attention, or why he had read her message last night and still not responded the next day. Liz pursued Dan with gusto. When her persistence paid off, she was over the moon. They had a date.

At Liz’s place that afternoon there was a flurry of excitement, as she had a drink with Pam to calm her nerves and tried on nearly every outfit she owned. Maybe they would have to go shopping for something new, to impress Dan. He was a dentist, running his own practise, and was always well dressed and well spoken. He was impressively smart, and passionate about animal welfare. In his spare time he played basketball; his height making it the obvious choice of sport. “He’s the one!” Liz cooed before this first date. Pam had rolled her eyes, thinking Liz was naïve and he would last no longer than the others once she realised he was far too busy for a relationship. But she didn’t say that, she cooed excitedly instead that she couldn’t wait to be maid of honour at the wedding…..

The date went well, Liz explained to Pam on the phone the next evening. Pam had wondered why Liz hadn’t called the next morning, she was worried Liz had been hacked up into little pieces by a serial killer. When Liz checked her phone, after Dan pulled himself out of her bed the next afternoon and off to his basketball practise, she saw 2 missed calls, a voicemail and 7 texts from Pam, each one more concerned than the last. Laughing, she excitedly dialed Pam’s number to give her the update. He’d taken her to play mini golf at the botanic gardens, as they did glow in the dark golf on summers evenings. They’d made wagers on the loser of each hole having to kiss the winner, and each kiss was better than the last she swooned. He’d given her his jacket to wear when the mosquito’s started going for her through the sheer fabric of her top, and then they’d sipped cocktails, as they took goofy photo’s around the gardens and it’s statues. They had pizza and icecream cozied around the café fireplace, and he told her of his parents disappointment that he became a dentist not a doctor. She shared her fears that she would never be a serious writer and her dreams of writing a best seller one day. He said he believed in her, that if she could win his attention and affection, there was nothing she couldn’t do.

At the end of the night, he’d insisted on Ubering her home, and unable to take her eyes off him, she’d invited him in. They spent a passionate night together, and they made pancakes in her kitchen naked the next morning…. “That sounds very unhygienic” Pam interjected, making a quip about food poisoning. She wasn’t taking this too seriously. “I am going to marry that man!” Liz said, taking no notice of Pam’s lack of enthusiasm.

As, it turned out, Liz was right. After his basketball training, he returned to her place, and he kind of just never left. Now when the girls got together, Dan was there too, and it was at one of these Sunday Brunch sessions with Liz, and Pam, and all the girls Liz had introduced Pam to, that she flashed her diamond. He had proposed! Liz was beaming, and she couldn’t wait to share the news with the crew. They all clinked glasses and talked about wedding gowns and venues. But Liz noticed Pam was quiet.

Taking her aside, she had asked Pam if everything was alright. “Yes, of course, I am happy for you, it’s just, well, we never spend time together anymore? I’m worried you’l get married and have babies and we will drift even further apart” The words were almost a whisper as Pam held back tears. Liz was annoyed. “Don’t rain on my parade! I just got engaged! Don’t make this about you! No wonder we don’t spend time together, when you are so jealous and possessive. I need some space from you. I need people who are happy for me. I have handed in my notice at work. I am going to help Dan with the practise and focus on writing my novel. I’m sure you think that is a terrible idea too, but I don’t want to hear it. Get a life of your own Pam.”

Liz returns to the group with a wide smile, she returns to the cradle of Dan’s arms and melts into him as he kisses the top of her head. The group gush and giggle, and she truly feels happy, and to be honest, relieved. She was going to ask her sister to be Maid of Honour, and she was sure Pam would have been upset about that too. She just couldn’t be happy for Liz and she didn’t need the negativity….

Next week we will read Pam’s side of the story, so stay tuned!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx