When you want better for your friend.

Many of us seem to want better for our friends, sometimes we even want better for them than we do for ourselves. At times this may show up as you wanting your friend to be more like you… for example, if you are a very career driven person, it may frustrate you that your friend isn’t fulfilling their potential. Maybe they are a talented artist but aren’t following your advice to put themselves out there and hold an exhibition, and  you really wish they would. You just know they could be a success. Or perhaps you wish they would get healthier, even though you yourself aren’t as healthy as you could be? And sometimes it has nothing at all to do with you, like wishing they would leave a relationship that you feel is no good for them.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, and areas of our lives where we excel, whilst we find ourselves lacking in others. Truthfully, most of us don’t appreciate being told what to do, or how to improve, do we? We prefer people to focus on our better attributes and accomplishment, being praised and celebrated. Many of us, when told how we could be better, only hear that we aren’t good enough as we are. Which can make it very difficult to hear what could be useful to us, and can easily make a friend feel like an enemy, despite their good intentions.

So, what is the best way to approach a friend when you think they should change something about their life, without alienating them? And should you say anything at all? You probably shouldn’t, actually, is the real answer to that question, unless they straight up ask you. But the chances are high that you will anyway, so if you can’t help yourself, then at very least wait until they bring it up themselves.

I am going to use an example from my current friendships, about one friend in particular who is in a relationship with somebody that doesn’t show up for her in the ways I think she deserves. He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t talk down to her, and he IS a genuinely good guy…. I just don’t think he’s right for her, and if I am honest, I think he’s just not all that into her, but doesn’t want to hurt her by saying so directly. I think she should leave him, and either find someone better, or continue filling her life with friends, family, pets, food and all the other great loves of a persons life.

To be fair to her, she does have a very full life, and doesn’t allow this relationship to hold her back. He isn’t all that interested in travelling, so she takes trips without him, and he doesn’t like getting together on weeknights after a long day at work, so she has friends like myself over for dinner instead. She works hard, keeps socially active, and has plenty of hobbies and passion projects to keep herself busy. But I know she lays awake at night wondering how to get him to notice her, and questioning if he really loves her or not.

It runs deeper than that though.. she wonders what she is doing wrong, and how she can be better. She thinks if only she could be more loveable, he would love her more. She is one of the most loving and loveable people I know.  And I hate that she is lying there blaming herself, when the problem is him, cowardly stringing her along. But she loves him, and she doesn’t want to hear that he is stringing her along… it feels better to convince herself that he does love her and she just over thinks things. If she could just accept things as they are, she’d be happier.

Now, there IS truth in that. She would be happier if she could just accept that he wasn’t that into her, and this will not change, no matter how perfect she is, or tries to become. What would be painful, would be that if she accepted this, she’d also have to accept that he isn’t capable of loving her the ways she needs, and would have no choice but to accept the end of their romance. A romance I feel actually ended at least a year ago, maybe more. So instead, every few months, all this builds up inside of her, and they have “a talk” and she feels better for having vented it all out, she convinces herself she is over reacting, and they continue on…. Until it builds up again the next time.

He has no motivation to change, as he recognizes this pattern, and I think he feels pretty comfortable, if a little annoyed, and believes he can continue doing the bare minimum and getting away with it. Because he can, if past behaviour is as good an indicator of future beahviour as they say. And I can’t say or do anything really to change this. It’s her life, and her relationship, and up to her if she chooses to accept this or not.

So, therefore, all I can do, is be supportive. Wait for her to bring it up, which she will, because she is unhappy, and when she does, reflect it back to her that she seems unhappy. Tell her that I know how hard this situation is, and that I understand the difficult  position she is in. Ask her what bothers her about his behaviour, and hope that she will hear herself when she says it to me out loud. Tell her I think she deserves more than that, although I know she loves him and wants it to work. Ask her what she needs him to do, so she feels loved, and hope it helps her clarify her needs and what’s missing. Ask her what she is afraid of, and truly listen to the answers. Ask her what’s the worst that could happen and try  to reassure her that her life would still be happy and full of love.

She knows I think she should leave him, but I wont say this, because she didn’t ask what I think she should do, and I know she isn’t ready to leave him. I do sometimes drop into conversation “when we talked about this back in January….” To help her see that we have been talking about this same issue for months and it isn’t going away, and help her see she has been unhappy for months.

I remind her that I love her, as do many others in her life, and remind her that she knows what it feels like to be loved. With this she also knows, without my saying so, what it feels like not to be loved. And after that, I listen patiently once again when they have had another unproductive talk and nothing has changed, when she is still unhappy, and I wait patiently for her to be ready to make the change for herself.

Because I can’t make her leave him, and I can’t make him treat her better. I can’t make her brave enough, or make her realise for herself that she will get only what she teaches people she will accept, - and not what she deserves. I can’t face her fears for her, or want her happiness more than she does. I’m not living her life, I don’t know for sure if she would be happier on her own or if she would ever meet the right person. It’s not me who’d have to go back to single life, or live through the pain. She’d still be awake at night overthinking.

So I do all I can, by being there, listening, encouraging and understanding, but not judging or forcing my views on her. And reassuring her I will still be there no matter what she chooses to do. Although I do want better for her, I recognize it isn’t my place to decide what better is for her, and I give her the space to work through that and decide on her own. Really, that’s all any of us can do, isn’t it?

You can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fifteen Fabulous F’ing Ways To Celebrate Fantastic Friendships With Fathers or Father Figures

Well readers, it’s hard to believe it is already September and Father’s day is upon us this very weekend. For no particular reason, I have written about Mother’s Day every year, and yet Father’s Day has mostly slipped on past without any real recognition. I am one of the lucky ones who does have a strong bond with my biological father, but I am well aware not everyone is as blessed. However, this post isn’t just for other daddy’s little girls or father son duo’s. It is for anyone who has a father or father figure in their life that they are looking to celebrate or spoil!

If you have left your Father’s Day plans to the last minute and are looking for some fun ideas, look no further!

1.      Football.

Maybe your father is into the AFL for those of you in Australia, or he’s like my dad and says that Soccer is the real football! It doesn’t matter if you’re old or young, rich or poor, this is an easy one if you have a footy fan on your hands. Buy him tickets for a game, or simply take him for a kick in the park, or to watch a match at the local sports bar over a beer.

2.      Fishing.

If your father is more of a fisherman than a footy fan, fear not. You could buy him some fishing gear, anything from a new rod, to a tackle box or just some brew for the trip. You could take him fishing to the local waterways, watch a documentary on fishing, or go to a fishing expo if you can find one. Maybe just take him to the local fishmonger, or, if he likes fish as pets, to your local aquarium to buy a non fur baby!

3.      Fragrances

Some fathers are less sporty or outdoorsy. Perhaps yours is a serious businessman or plays more video games than sports. That’s ok, what man doesn’t want to smell nice? There are some lovely men’s fragrances out there, and some for every budget too. Often the knock off’s are just as good, but if you have the means, why not spoil him with a designer brand? Most chemists have a fragrance section, as do most department stores and even discount stores. If you aren’t sure what he’d prefer, maybe take him with you and make it part of a fun day out.

4.      Fro Yo

That’s frozen yoghurt for those of you who aren’t sure. After taking him for a fishing trip or game of footy or fragrance shopping, why not stop in for a sweet treat? You’re never too old for frozen yoghurt or ice cream. You only get old because you stop playing, not the other way around, so take the old man for ice cream with the kids! Forever young!

5.      Flea Market

Sometimes you find the most unique gifts at the flea market. Hand crafted, one of a kind, thoughtful specific gifts can be located at these places. It could be a fun day out with the father figure in your word, or a fun day out for you on the Saturday before you gift to him on the Sunday. There is often live entertainment, food trucks, face painting and everything from fancy watches to French pastries or French horns!

6.      Family Photos

This could be a voucher for a photographer to get the family together for a portrait shot, an organized shoot itself, or a collection of photos printed into an album as a  gift. It could be as creative as a slideshow set to music with special effects, or a digital photo frame programmed with the family photos, to a simple single photo in a frame. It could showcase him as he gracefully ages through the years, highlight his achievements or actually be a live interview where you ask him about his life and record the results.

7.      Favourite Foods.

Foods can make great gifts. Does he love a packet of wine gums like my father in law, or does he enjoy a square of fudge here and there? Perhaps he is more savory and would prefer a packet of specialty barbeque sauces or spices or a cheese subscription where they send you different cheeses to sample each month? Could you gift a voucher for his favourite Italian restaurant, or even better make a booking and go together, your treat?

8.      Frisbee

Sometimes the simple things in life are the best. Young or old, anyone can throw a frisbee in the park. Throw it to the dog, throw it to the kids, throw it to each other. Have a throwing competition and see who can throw it the furthest. It’s more about the time spent together than the frisbee really, but sometimes some fresh air and something simple really are just what the doctor ordered. Maybe it will bring back some old memories, or maybe it will just make new ones, but you’re never too old to throw a frisbee with your father.

9.      Festivals

Is the man in your life new age and into psychics? Maybe see if you can find a new age fair to take him to for a future reading? Is he still into old school rock music? Maybe there is a music festival you could take him to? Is he living the grey nomad life? A caravan expo might be just the ticket.

10.   Fart Jokes.

Name me a father that doesn’t still smile at a fart joke?! Buy him a book, write one in his card, or have a farting competition. See who can make the loudest fart noise with an armpit, or buy him a silly sign for the toilet that says “Father’s Fart Factory!” Grab a roll of novelty toilet paper, a book, a small basketball set or putting set and some air freshener and make a little entertainment package for when he’s hiding out in there for some peace!

11.   Farmers Markets

Some generations are still the salt of the earth type. Maybe they are farmers, or they just do like a spot of gardening. You could pick up some fresh produce for a quiet picnic, or some bulbs and seeds for planting. You could just take a stroll around together taking in the fresh smells and colours and tastings. You could hand pick your eggs from the hens, or pick up some home made meals for the week, or even try your hand at selling from a stall?!

12.   Fruit Picking

If your father or father figure has more of a sweet tooth but is watching his weight or trying to be healthier, there are usually plenty of places around to go fruit picking. It is usually a very cost effective way of selecting the freshest juiciest fruits straight from the vine or tree or plant, whilst also offering meandering time together having some family fun in the sun!

13.   Films

If your dad isn’t really the outdoors type, why not take him to the local cinema for a film? There is usually something for everyone, from family friendly to fascinating futuristic films. You can go gold class, and enjoy a meal and a drink while you watch, but these days the frugal fares still get you a recliner chair in air conditioned comfort. And if there is nothing out just now he wants to see, a voucher is a good option because we all know the next big thing is always just around the corner in the entertainment and blockbuster industry!

14.   Flights

Ok, I admit most of us probably can’t afford to just whisk someone away for a flight to anywhere, but if you are fortunate enough to be in the position to do so, why not fly to France for a family holiday?! But it doesn’t have to be as elaborate as that, does your dad like flight watching? That can be a free family activity, or there are usually Groupons for a flight simulator to see how he’d go if he moonlighted as a pilot? There are joy flights, scenic flights, helicopter flights. And most malls or arcades offer flight simulations of joy rides if you aren’t too keen on the real deal?!

15.   Footwear.

We all need shoes. Even people in wheelchairs wear shoes. I saved this one for last, not because it is the best, most ground breaking idea, but because I personally bought my dad footwear for his birthday this year. He mentioned he could use some new white bowling shoes, as he is a proud member of a lawn bowls club in his retirement village, and his shoes were looking worse for wear with holes in the soles and looking more grey than white. I proudly presented him with a pristine pair of white shoes in the correct size, but sadly they didn’t fit….. because I had unknowingly selected a pair from the ladies section! Haha So if you are shopping online, make sure you’re in the menswear department first! At least we got a laugh and a new memory out of it, and I did exchange them for a men’s pair that did fit in the end!

Of course this list is not exhaustive, but it fits in so well with my adoration of alliteration and it was fun and fast to write! Happy Father’d Day to all the Father’s and Father Figures out there. Anyone can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a dad or a father figure. Thanks Guys!  You deserve the world, especially my dad. I know you all think yours is the best, but it can’t be true, because mine is the best, hands down, aren’t you dad? Love you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Motive Matters

In the past few weeks I have received a few comments and feedback relating to a post I wrote regarding people with fears of abandonment. The criticism was based largely on the fact that somehow the person suffering from fears of abandonment were being misrepresented as narcissistic villains in the post, rather than as the damaged and wounded souls that they are. First off, I would like to formally apologise to anyone who was offended by that post, or felt unfairly judged or portrayed in a negative light.

Secondly, I would like to take the time to disclose that the reason I know how these people operate, is because I am among them! And I know damned well how I can come across at times to my friends as needy, insecure, or a bit draining. I also know the great lengths I often go to in order to try and be the perfect friend, so that I feel more secure that people wont abandon me. Lastly, I would also like to acknowledge that this fear is often the same fear that causes us to abandon other people, ironically enough, before they get the chance to hurt us in a similar manner.

None of that is flattering, but the harsh light of day shone on anyone’s weaker points will always be unflattering. This is why fashion stores go to great lengths to ensure specific lighting and angles in their changing rooms! But just as they want us to have the most flattering image of ourselves, so that they can profit from our purchase, I highlight the less flattering images so that we can learn from our flaws and those of the ones we love.

Trying to be perfect, may indeed share traits with a narcissist who is in their love bombing stage. Both are complimentary, both may buy you impressive gifts, and both are trying to hide the truth from you that they are imperfect. Both are in their own ways trying to manipulate the situation to their own advantage and control the outcome. Although, are we not all guilty of that in one way or another? If you work out harder, you should get better results – everyone is motivated to a certain degree to try and sway an outcome in their own favour.

The difference is that a person motivated by fear of abandonment is trying to get you to like them, so that you will stay in their lives. A narcissist is trying to get you to need them, so that they can devalue you and gain power over you. Both people will eventually reveal their true colours because neither is capable of living the lie of the perfect person forever. However, when they reveal the truth, one will have let you down, or revealed that they are not rich and successful, or not the confident chameleon they presented as, where as the other will be cruel, cold and cutting.

The narcissist is attempting to gain your attention and keep your focus sharply on themselves. They want you to chase after them, apologise for causing them to turn into such an angry, abusive asshole, and then trigger your own fears of abandonment to switch roles. While they initially presented as the perfect person, they want you to now spend the rest of your time and energy, maybe even the rest of your life, pandering to them and trying to be the picture of perfection. The problem being that the picture is one that they create and exists only in their minds, and can change on a whim. While it is impossible to be the perfect person at all, it is beyond impossible to be the perfect person for a narc and you will find yourself in a power struggle, chasing after them and always trying to prove your worth.

Conversely, when dealing with a person who suffers from fears of abandonment, you may find them to be moody, withdrawn when upset or disappointed because they largely fear conflict and confrontation, associating it with the very abandonment they fear. However, you will probably also find them to be constantly apologizing to you for imperfections you never even noticed or offering them reassurance that you do still want to be their friend.

When you coax them to talk to you, one will be full of accusations and gaslighting, while the other may admit that when you left them on read it triggered their insecurities and they stopped communicating with you because they thought you didn’t want them around anymore. One will admit they are scared of losing you while the other will attack your character.

Both people can be hard to be friends with. Both can be exhausting and demanding and consuming. Both have their wounds. But one has pure intentions and motivations and the other does not. One does it on purpose and the other acts subconsciously. A narc does not care about you, whereas a person with fears of abandonment often doesn’t care about themselves. Well, not enough anyway. Both need help, but only one will seek it, and only one will be treated.

They do say  the road to hell was paved with good intentions and that might be true. I am not going to tell you that either is the right person for you. If your friend is exhausting and consuming you then only you have the power to decide if it is worth sticking around or not, regardless of their motives. But if you do choose to stay, watch out for the patterns and make sure you know which type of person you are dealing with, because one is much more dangerous than the other.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Reasons why are we so bad at friendships?! The last 5 reasons!

Ok, I probably shouldn’t say the last 5 reasons, like this is an exhaustive list when it isn’t. But it covers the bases pretty well. Last week we looked at the first five reasons, covering societal expectations, lack of time and inconvenience and burn out, the social media myth, insular, somewhat self involved existences, and expectations; too many, or not enough or just mismatching ones between friends. If you are only tuning in this week, and want to read the article at length, click here.

This week we look to cover the lack of language, structure and definition around friendship and what it means. Navigating conflict as an important skill, the actual time and effort new and real friendships take to build around busyness, the romantic ideal of ones partner being their best friend too, and compatibility issues.  So let’s dive straight back in shall we?

6. The language and modelling around friendships is weak, and what exists is often unrealistic. We easily call someone a friend, without them earning that position, for lack of other language to use. Friendly and friends is not the same thing. There’s no term for friendship break ups that I call fri-endings, at all. There are no stages like dating or courting, no official conversations to announce that you both agree and commit to being friends, no set roadmaps or markings to follow to progress your friendship, and no real solid pathways for how to be a good friend.

7. Perhaps because we don’t have the language, or perspective that friendships are important meaningful relationships, we also don’t have the skills to navigate conflict within them either. It’s easier just to walk away or distance yourself than have a hard conversation. Because friendships are more casual in nature and plentiful in the ways that they’re not monogamous, they feel less valuable when lost, and when we don’t make a lot of time for them anyway, they don’t always leave a big noticeable hole in our lives when they end. We tell ourselves we have other friends we are better aligned with or that they have other friends and don’t need us or an explanation.

8. But do we really have a long list of other friends to call upon? We might have hundreds or thousands of friends on social media, but how many could you call upon to watch your kid in the middle of the night because you had to go to hospital? We are surrounded by friendly faces, yes, but there is a big difference between friendly, and friends. Friends take years to make, build memories and trust with, and friends should know the small stuff, not just the big stuff. Making friends as adults is actually incredibly difficult, not because we are unfriendly, but because no matter how much we like someone, we only have so much time and attention available, and so many of us already do have our faithful few on the roster.

9. We are also sold this insular romantic idea that our spouse should be our best friend, and it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to meet all your social needs. It puts unnecessary pressure on romantic partners to be everything to each other which ultimately burns out any friendship that was there, or extinguishes the romantic aspect if you are too friendly. Because they are quite different relationships that meet quite different needs. Not to say your partner can’t be your friend, but they shouldn’t be your only one, even if you do consider them your best one!

10. So it’s not necessarily that people are right or wrong in how they approach friendship, but we aren’t taught to consider these types of compatibilities before we befriend someone. Without the aforementioned stages for friendships, we skip straight into friendship way too soon before we really know if we’re compatible, like somehow it matters less. And then we often just end things without any words at all! One person may consider you a wonderful friend while another considers you a lousy one when you treat them both the same. It’s subjective. It’s based on what we want and or need, and that changes depending on our stages of life. It just so happens that many of us are in the period of life less conducive to friendships… but there may be light at the end of the proverbial tunnel as we move closer to retirement and have more time for social and leisure activities again?

Maybe we aren’t “bad at friendships” at all. Maybe we just chose the wrong friends? Just because you are both good people, doesn’t mean you will be good for each other. That said, maybe next week we can explore how to be good at friendships when so many of the barriers we face aren’t changing anytime soon?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Reasons why are we so bad at friendships?! The first 5 reasons!

Recently someone approached me to ask “why are we so bad at friendships?” This wasn’t a personal question, directed at me and them, but a larger scale question that seeks to find the answers to the barriers people face as a whole, that are impacting our relation styles. While there are many factors, with each being potentially as nuanced and unique as the individuals themselves, here is a brief rundown of my personal opinion on the common broadscale issues we all seem to face to varying degrees.

1. Let me start by addressing the unwritten, and even sometimes unspoken rules by which our society lives! As a whole, our society seems to associate friendship with youth. We are surrounded by friends in school and during extended study. During these years we are largely expected to be “irresponsible and selfish” and “have foolish fun” with our friends. But the older we get the more it’s expected we stop “messing around” and “get serious” and “settle down.” Which means spend more time at work, find a monogamous partner, get onto the property ladder, and start a family. During this next phase, time with friends is viewed as frivolous, indulgent and allocated for special occasions like a birthday. We feel guilty for making time for or spending large amounts of time with friends, particularly if those hours spent are unproductive.

2. Which flows nicely into my next point, that time and convenience are huge factors. Everyone is busier with most couples having both parties in full time work, then fitting in child care, extended family, hobbies and housework in limited weekend or after work hours. People tend to have work friends to meet their social needs, because it’s people they see daily, have things in common with and ultimately don’t have to extend any “extra time” or “effort” to maintain the connections. Simply put, work friends are easier. And even if work friends move on, they’re replaced for you somewhat effortlessly by the employer. People seem to lack time and are too burnt out at the end of the day for real connection. They prefer to binge watch whilst mindlessly scrolling the screens.

3. Speaking of the screens, social media and media have changed significantly over the years - giving us a false sense of keeping up with each other. If you scroll at bedtime for an hour you’ll see your friend’s updates, and with a simple emoji reaction your obligation feels complete. However you don’t know the real story, just the created reality social media allows. When it comes to media that portrays friendships, you’ll commonly see the series comes to an end when the characters all marry and have children, or the children will be almost never in the show at all. It is very hard to find the balance when there is not many real life examples to model it from.

4. Why are there no real life examples to model from though? I feel like the casual nature of friendships, automatically dictates that they’re not given priority or any sense of importance. People don’t view them with the same sense of responsibility that they do other relationships. I suppose the truth is that people don’t seem to consider them as relationships at all. They’re “meant” to be carefree, easy, almost transient relationships that grow in the cracks of time and attention people have for them. If anyone ever has any at the same moment. Listening is a skill that is quickly atrophying, because while everyone wants someone to talk to…. if we want someone to listen we are expected to pay a psychologist! We are a little bit insular and self involved; we don’t always remember when our friend is having a surgery or important appointment. So we inadvertently let them down. We just want to zone out, and have nobody asking, or expecting anything of us. 

5. Speaking of expectations, our expectations can get skewed, and a lot of the problem seems to be a lack of expectations entirely. If our life makes no difference without you for a year, as is referred to in all the memes about low maintenance friends, (who can go a year without interacting and pick up where they left off,) what value does your presence hold? We value that people still like and love us with no effort - but the lack of effort still makes a lonely existence. If all the relationships in our lives were like this, wouldn’t we be lonely? Would we accept a partner who said they loved us dearly but didn’t see us or interact with us for a year, only via a like on social media or the exchange of memes? Would we expect people to feel cared about while we did nothing to actually show care. Love is an action word, even platonically!

People with more time, like myself can have higher or mismatched expectations from others. As I have more availability to put time and effort into acts of care and support, I can easily be left feeling like my friendships are heavily one sided, while my friends can be left feeling like nothing is ever enough when they have given what little they had left to offer. And we do struggle to put ourselves in the positions of others.  It’s hard to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. I have a close friend I write about fairly often who is really quite incompatible with me due to her busy life and large family and full time job. It can be tricky to make it work, although it is worth it for us both to keep trying. However, she’s a single woman who spends most of her free time with her large family and nieces and nephews. I have a small insular family, as does my husband. I imagine, one day in the future I’ll be busy with grandchildren and the responsibilities of that, while my friend will be retired, her family more grown and less available. She will be more available and needing more socially, while I am less available and needing more space socially. And only then, will we truly understand things from the other persons perspective. Knowing and feeling it (or living that reality) are quite different.

That’s it for now folks, tune in again next week for the last 5 reasons I feel we can be good people who are bad at friendships!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The other side of the cancelled coin

Recently a dear friend of mine expressed frustration with me, as it seemed to them that when I had to cancel plans, it always seemed to be their name on the chopping block and not the other things or people on my regular schedule. I completely understand this criticism as I have at times felt this way myself about other people in my circle.

It is never a nice feeling to observe the life of a friend and conclude that everyone and everything else are prioritized over you, and salt is only added to the wound when you feel you do prioritize them over other things and people in your own life. I certainly wouldn’t want to intentionally make anyone in my life feel that way, as I am aware that others in my life aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me either. But it does hurt to feel this way, and for your friend to feel this way when you feel powerless to do much about it.

We can only see things through the lens of our own perceptions. And even when I tried to explain to this person that it was by no means personal or intentional, she couldn’t unsee what she felt she had seen. Felt being an important way to describe “her truth” because as much as it feels true to her, it feels untrue to me. So where is the truth?

The truth is that I wasn’t planning to cancel our plans, I know we have a standing arrangement and I do my best to honour that commitment as much as I do any other commitment. There are some, that I feel more responsible towards, like my agreement to take an elderly resident out of their home on a Monday. It is something he looks forward to and may not get out at all if I don’t take him. He isn’t my family, he is just a friend, but even so, it plays on my conscience, so I have only cancelled on him 2 times, once when I had to transport my parents to the airport and once when my daughter was too unwell to be left on her own.

This happens to be the time of the year where I also get quite busy with birthday getaways and events, as I am not someone who likes to have a party with many friends at once, instead preferring to see each friend individually and spend some intimate quality time with them. So at the end of the week, I had a commitment to a loyal friend who has planned a girls getaway for us to celebrate me. As this was planned months in advance, I had no intention of cancelling that for anything that wasn’t urgent.

This also happens to be the winter school holidays here in Australia. Which means it is the best time I have to take the children to their medical appointments, hair appointments, dental appointments, shopping for new clothes, to get vaccinations, and to do anything fun they want to do to spend quality time with them. As they are teens now, that is fewer and further between than ever before. Added to this, one of my closest friends is a school teacher. This means that this is also the time she has available for social activities and running her own errands like medical appointments, getting her washing machine and car serviced, and travelling.

It just so happened on this particular week, being school holidays, my friend and I had made plans twice these holdiays. Once each week. We went to a ballet on the first week, and I had agreed to collect her from her car service centre the following week, spend the day together and take her back to collect her car later. In this instance we booked an escape room to play, talked about getting a pedicure, and decided to go out for lunch at the casino.

If you’re following this story along, you’ll know that meant I had my commitment to my elderly friend on Monday, the escape room with my teacher friend on the Wednesday, and the girly getaway on the Friday. None of this clashed with my frustrated friend. I see that person on Thursdays as a general rule. I took my daughter to the hairdresser the week before, and at that appointment she requested some colour in her hair. Not a problem but the hairdresser didn’t have time for that today, so we would have to come back next week. We were offered Tuesday or Thursday, and I chose Tuesday on the basis that this also didn’t interfere with my Thursday with my friend.

However, when I got home my son asked me if I could book him a dentist appointment. I am also due for my check up, so I called them to hopefully book us in on the Tuesday. But wouldn’t you know it, they could only do Thursday afternoon. The school holidays are ending. My son has tutoring once a week after school, and works one or 2 shifts at his part time job, so it is easier for me to book in the school holidays. I should not have left it so late. It was on my to do list, but I forgot about it, and now all they could offer me would mean I would have to choose between the 2. My friend and I did not have tickets to an event or anything set in concrete, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem to just cancel and see her next time. I thought she would understand.

She didn’t. She felt hurt I chose everyone but her. Didn’t cancel someone else instead. But the dentist offered me her day, not anybody else’s day. And hers was the only flexible one. I did not feel it was fair to assume that I had room to move other people and things, nor was the expectation that I should cancel a million other things and reschedule everyone else so I could meet with her reasonable.

All that said, it wasn’t just this one specific cancellation that has triggered my friends frustration with me. She is a mother herself and knows all too well the responsibilities that come with being a busy parent. I know this. What I don’t understand is that this friend also cancels on me with some amount of frequency, as she is also very socially active and has various clubs and meetings and friends to catch up with. To be fair, she does usually ask me if I can swap a day to still see her, which I would have done too, had I had a day I could swap myself. But I couldn’t.

In similar circumstances, when I was on the other side of the coin, that particular friend and I decided that her life/schedule had outgrown our commitment. Meaning she wanted to keep it up, but was really overcommitting herself, and as a result letting me down frequently. So maybe that too is the answer here. Maybe I need to tell my current friend not to expect to see me over the holidays, not because I don’t want to see her, but because my schedule gets busier with the things and people I have less time for during the terms. Although she will be let down to hear this, that will only be once, rather than repeat offending.

Outside of that, I will have to be more mindful of making sure I do my best to show up. That I understand her life is quieter without me in it, and acknowledge that I’m blessed that she loves me enough to miss my absence, and was vulnerable enough to express herself. I really didn’t think I was cancelling often, so I will start to keep a record for myself to be accountable. Because while the other side of the coin isn’t personal, it feels personal and I care how I make my friends feel.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Matchmaker Mate Misfortune.

In the last few weeks I had a reader submit me a beautiful, but sad, poem. And I wondered how many of you might relate to this tale. My poetic understanding might be limited, however, my understanding of the context, was that a female writer, had a crush on her male best friend. (To be fair, I don’t think it explicitly used gender pronouns, but for simplicity’s sake, I am going  to assume it was a he.) It wasn’t entirely clear to me exactly why, but it appeared that instead of confessing her feelings to him, she instead set him up romantically with her best female friend. They hit it off. And now she finds both friendships painful, as they openly adore each other and discuss with her how happy they each are with their new romantic partner. Ouch.

Personally I don’t think I have ever been subtle enough to conceal when I like someone. I have had several crushes tell me they believed I was interested before I confessed, usually just casually stating that they know I have feelings for them. I have had one or 2 people tell me I was very direct about things in expressing myself, and my husband always states with confidence that he knows I couldn’t live without him. So I only half understand the dilemma my reader finds herself in. However, being that I have a strong romantic attraction to women, who often do not have the same attraction for me, or for women in general, I still know the pain of watching someone you love, loving another.

What I cannot fathom, is not being able to discuss any of it with my best friend, because she is the one dating my crush. That would be a whole new uncomfortable realm of torture. Dear reader, thank you for sharing your heartfelt words. I am so sorry you found yourself in this difficult position, although it appears you did choose to put yourself in it. I am confused as to your decision making process, I admit, however, I am not any less sympathetic to your plight as a result.

Confessing a crush to a friend is a frightening prospect. If they reject you, will you lose their friendship? If they accept you, will your friendship survive the transition? If you break up romantically in the future, could you take the relationship to the previous level? Is there even any point in confessing, if you know for sure they do not reciprocate? I can’t answer these questions for you. Each situation is unique. I am friends with exes, and have lost friends I was never even involved with. It could go either way. However the main benefit of confessing is that everyone involved understands to be gentle with your heart no matter what.

You didn’t ask me for advice, dear reader, and I am glad in a way, because any advice I offer may not serve you. If you confess now, it may seem like you only wanted him after she had him. They may feel like  you are just jealous, or pity you for feeling left out. They may feel resentful that you cannot be happy for them, or angry that you pushed them together and then seemingly try and tear them apart once they were happy.

I could tell you to distance yourself, if you haven’t already. It wouldn’t surprise me if you had, just as a self defense mechanism. But if you do this, and they fail to notice, it will only hurt more and shine a light on your place of lower significance to them than each other. If they do notice, and try to pull you back in, you will have to find reasons for your distance, or to confess.

However, maybe that’s not such a bad thing…. If you can actually find reasons to distance yourself to justify your absence. The best excuse people use is being busy. And while my last post expressly advised people to mind their busyness, maybe in your situation busyness is exactly what you need. A hobby, like this blog or some other form of content creation perhaps, to keep the mind focused on other things? A new social group, church, book club, class, job or activity might expand your own circle and introduce new friends.

Dating. Although your feelings for your friend run deep, true and wild in your heart, it appears for now that door has closed for you. The longer you stand looking at that closed door, the longer it takes you to see the open window. Could you put yourself out there romantically to see if you don’t develop a new crush. Preferably on someone who is not yet a friend and very clearly understands your romantic or sexual intent for the pairing?

Journalling. I assume you already do this, as it would seem you wrote that poem somewhere, and I can imagine you perhaps have many more among the pages of pain that are leaking from your bleeding heart. That said, each day, perhaps you could find one more thing to be positive about. This gratefulness practice trains the mind to look more at the positives than the negatives. While I understand toxic positivity, focusing solely on a painful situation like this can also be toxic.

Therapy. You reached out to me and I am glad you did. A problem shared is a problem halved. As the current conundrum involves 2 of your best friends, you could use someone to talk to. In part, that is why your words lit up my inbox, however I am not qualified to give you advice, which this isn’t, and I would love you to speak to someone who is. To help mend your broken heart. You matter. You are worthy.

Time. Even if you do nothing but grin and bare this situation, I hold hope that in time, your feelings will fade. You may forget a time that they were not an item or a time you had unrequited love. Or their romance may fizzle offering you a no less complicated opportunity.

Self talk, kindness and compassion. Remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities you offer, and that loving someone is not a crime, even if they don’t love you back. Remember to start redirecting some of those positive thoughts you have about your crush to yourself. You too may have a nice smile, a good sense of humour, or a special way with animals for example.

While these strategies offered are not advice, life has offered you a lesson. It is up to you to figure out what it means and how to learn it so that you don’t end up in this situation again in the future.

Meanwhile, you have talent, continue to use it. There is a Bon Jovi song “In these arms” in which the lyrics state “Baby I want you, like the roses want the rain. You know I need you, like a poet needs the pain…” You are already healing in ways you can’t even see by harnessing your pain and pouring it into your poetry.

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope there is content here that helps you navigate this difficult time, in this post or past ones. You are not alone. So many of us know the pain of unrequited love for a friend. Thank you for reaching out so openly and honestly with such vulnerability. I hope you will reach out again as your healing and situation progresses. I hope you keep writing, regardless.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mind Your Busyness.

Sitting across from a dear friend over coffee, we lamented about how good it was to finally see each other in person. Much like everyone else in this day and age, we communicate frequently over the screens, but there is something so energizing about actually seeing someone in person. Their facial expressions, their voice, their use of body language, the way they might nudge you when they make a joke or pat the back of your hand across the table as you talk about something difficult.

We commented that we should make more effort to spend time in person, and how we sometimes forget how important it is to stop and make time for our friendships, when everyone is so busy and communicating via screens is just so much easier. This particular friend does take time out of her day most of the time to check in with me though, which is something I truly appreciate, and cherish, as more and more it seems most of my friends have become even too busy for an online chat.

Communication is limited to a quick question and answer, a meme shared and an emoji response. Social media is alight with quotes and memes pertaining to low maintenance friends, the types who can go for years without talking but then take off where they left off as if no time has passed and nothing has changed. If you are a regular reader of mine then you’ll know that I don’t subscribe to that particular brand of meme, however that’s not to say I don’t have these types of friends. I do. It’s just that I think my life would be very lonely if all my friendships were like this.

I am the first to admit that I am less busy than my peers as a stay at home mother to teens. That’s not to say I am at a loss as to how to fill my time, I can and do fill it easily. There are times I feel so busy and stressed I genuinely question how all you super mothers out there working full time manage it all! But because most of my friends do end up falling into the working mum category, with those who aren’t mums working extra jobs/hours and those who aren’t working filling many care roles for elderly grandparents, parents, and the youngest generations of their extended families, I have certainly noticed a trend towards busyness and productivity over coffee and connection.

This is a product of the society and world in which we live. I understand that people need to work, children need to be cared for, as do our elderly members, and I do not begrudge this. But gone are the days that we collectively care for each other as a village. That said, none of us can do it all alone, which means a really important part of friendship these days has become the ability to depend on a friend for help when required. You’ll know if you’ve read my blogs before I tend to end up feeling used and abused by friends who consistently call on me as part of their village without offering any time to sit and chat and connect or do something fun to strengthen our bond.

We live in a productivity positivity world, where people feel guilty for taking time out for something as indulgent as a trip to the cinema, and when such luxuries, when experienced at all, tend to be limited to romantic relationships for the much coveted date night. While I complain that people are using me to do them services and favours, others frequently report that despite having hundreds of virtual friends, they actually don’t have anyone they could ask at all. Maybe they don’t ask because they have no time to return the favour?

We spend so much time arranging a catch up for five Friday’s from now, that inevitably gets cancelled and rescheduled five times, that we have lost the art of reaching out and just inviting someone to pop over for an idle Sunday stroll or sofa session. And what’s ironic is if you ask any of these busy friends for recommendations of things to watch online, most will have several. Because what is everyone so busy doing on a Sunday? Sitting in front of several screens. Watching a series, whilst also writing up that work report on the laptop and scrolling social media on the phone.

We want to stay in, stay isolated, not have to rush around, to have the time to get things done. We need a day to make all our appointments that keep us busy the following week, to order the groceries to be delivered, to pay the bills, to plan when we will fit in a trip to the chemist or to put reminders in our phone to stop at the newsagent on Thursday after work to get mum a birthday card. To plan meals for the week and check the budget and do all the banking and transfers for the week.

But if we were more mindful of our time, we could achieve these things more efficiently and free ourselves up for that Sunday Sofa Session. If we spent less time phone faffing and scrolling when we claim to be busy, and less time sending one liners to each other, we might make room for conversation and connection again. We might realise how energized we are from this despite the lethargy we experience when thinking about it and our desire to do nothing. Do nothing together!

We are all so busy minding our own business, that we forget to take note of minding our own busyness. It’s ok to slow down sometimes, we aren’t machines of mass production. Connection is something we need every bit as much as we need water or money. People will think more, not less of us for the time we spend with them. For how important we made them feel by carving out some precious time for them.

Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you say no to time with a friend doing something that you do want to do. It is only going to cost you in the end. Make it your business to manage your busyness and prioritize people over productivity.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sharing isn’t always caring!

In the last few weeks I have had one dear friend admitted to hospital with influenza, one friend come down with a nasty case of covid and my own husband has had a series of colds, coughs and respiratory infections! Needless to say, winter has hit us hard here down under, and as fun and festive as Christmas in July sounds, it seems we are exchanging germs more than presents this year!

It can be a complicated situation, for example would my friend who was diagnosed as non contagious be offended if I wore a mask to visit her in the hospital? Should I cancel that coffee catch up if I have a tickle in my throat? Did Melanie pass the sneeze instead of the peas?!

Not too long ago, the prison where my husband works had a measles outbreak too, so when we both came down with a bit of a sniffle, we had to quarantine for 5 days to see if we came out in a rash. Even the doctor didn’t want to see me to run any tests until I was in the clear so to speak. Luckily it wasn’t measles, however I had already cancelled a dinner with a group of friends in precaution knowing one of them had a new baby grandson who was not old enough to be fully vaccinated at the time. The thought that I might pass the virus to my friend, who may then pass it to her grandson, or just be prevented from time spent with him was not worth the risk, so I sat that one out.

That’s not to say I have never ventured to a social setting when I was a bit under the weather, as I have! The general etiquette is to tell the other party or parties that you have a bit of a sore throat or nose cold and see if they would be more comfortable with you sitting it out. If they are willing to take the risk, or also already suffering, you may decide to be merry after all. It is also important to know your audience. Just as I knew my one friend had the newborn grandson, I am also well aware that I have one or 2 friends who are particularly germ phobic, and I would see fit to just go ahead and cancel on them in the first place, as I don’t want it on either of our consciences if they catch anything from me.

Which is a funny thing that has happened to one of those germ-a-phobes friends recently. She caught up with a friend who had just returned from an overseas holiday to hear all about the trip. She noticed during the conversation that her friend kept clearing her throat. When she mentioned it her friend said she hoped she hadn’t caught anything on the plane and they laughed it off. Neither of them thought too much of it…. Until a few days later when my friend became very unwell. She is almost certain she caught it from her traveler friend, however it’s not something you can easily prove or accuse someone of.

That doesn’t mean she isn’t upset about it though, because she is. Not only because her voice is an important part of her chosen profession, but also because this illness caused her to miss a very important event of her partner’s family. This was an event my friend had been talking about for months, had chosen several outfits for, booked accommodation, taken time off work and was generally very excited about. It held extra significance for her also, as it is not the sort of event she could celebrate with her own family. To say she was devastated to miss it is an understatement.

Getting in touch with her traveler friend, who also confirmed her diagnosis, my friend was fuming that she had been so careless as to attend a catch up when feeling unwell without a heads up. To be fair to traveler, she probably doesn’t know just how germ phobic my friend is, but the common courtesy is still to tell someone if you think you might be unwell before seeing them to allow them the choice to risk it or not. This person was aware of the family event for my friend in a few days…

That said, my friend is well aware that there was no malicious intent. Had she known just how unwell she was and what she was carrying, I like to believe that traveler would never have made the fateful decision to meet up in the first place. She very likely didn’t even realise she was coming down with anything, until my friend mentioned the throat clearing at all. However, you’d think after learning that she had the same diagnosis of my friend and that they had gotten together earlier that week, she may have thought to put 2 and 2 together and said “Gosh, I hope you didn’t catch it from me? I’d feel terrible?!” or “Oh dear, have I passed it to you on Monday do you think? I’m so sorry!”

Instead, when faced with the facts, she very casually brushed it off with a joke and told my friend that there will be other events in the future. Whilst I am sure this is true, and was also not ill intended, it also offered no sense of accountability and at the same time shut down my friends feelings about missing the event like she was over reacting. Maybe traveler actually thought she was over reacting, truthfully. But we don’t get to tell other people how to feel.

The whole thing has left a sour taste in my friends mouth to go along with the illness she is also now suffering. It has left my friend feeling uncared for and questioning their friendship as a whole. Not just because she contracted the virus, but due to traveler’s lack of accountability, apology, compassion, or care.

While I am sure my friends feelings will fade as she recovers and time moves on from talk of the family event she was excluded from, I also have an inkling the friendship might fade too. Trust has been broken, and foundational flaws revealed. The health of the friendship has taken a hit. They shared more than they bargained for this time.

The moral of the story? Think twice before you share, about what exactly you might be sharing and who you might be sharing it with. What the consequences for them will be. Give your friends all the information they need to make an informed choice and if catching up with you is a real risk, just make the decision for yourself and don’t take it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship can be therapeutical, but friends are not therapists.

In the last few posts we looked at venting versus emotional dumping. This is a topic I am relatively familiar with, because my own therapist would tell you, I have a tendency to try to rescue people. This means I can more easily blur the lines between friendship and therapy. However, despite all the memes we see about our best friend saving us thousands in therapy bills, there is actually a big difference between a platonic relationship and a therapeutic one.

Obvious advantages of a therapist client relationship include, but are not limited to, professional boundaries, code of ethics and behaviours, professional certified knowledge, objective and relatively impartial. It’s not that they don’t care about you, they do, it’s more that they don’t care about your relationship with them, if that makes any sense? They don’t need you to like them…. Although I am guessing if you actively disliked them, you’d get yourself a different therapist, so maybe that’s not entirely accurate.

While we are talking about a therapist and their role in your life, to provide guidance and support, it differs from friendship in that they offer little of themselves. It is not a reciprocal arrangement, and they are paid for their time and expertise, whereas a friendship, you would hope, is rather opposite. Unpaid and very reciprocal.

That isn’t to say you shouldn’t turn to your friends for guidance, advice and support though, because these are also natural parts of platonic relationships, so it can be hard to know where to draw the line, and recognize when someone is too close to give you the impartial advice you might need. Similarly the advice giver can also lose sight of what is fact and what is their own opinion… and often there might be big discrepancies between the 2 things. Examples might include how one person believes a child should be raised versus how another person believes a child should be raised, or if one person believes a dessert to be too sweet, while another does not. Often in life there are more opinions than facts, and we need to keep that in mind before following anyone’s advice.

I have written a piece in the past that was wildly unpopular about the differences between friendships and family, attempting to highlight that our friends might be less invested or less impacted by the outcomes of our choices and therefore at times able to be there in a higher capacity than our family. That friends can be more objective. But of course a therapist can be the most objective, which is why they exist.

ie, not objective!

Because I have found myself playing friendship counsellor a lot over the years, I know that I care about my friends, and I want what I believe is best for them. That doesn’t always align with what they believe is best for them or what they are ready for. I also know that I care about preserving our relationship, which means I often know what they want to hear, or what they are likely to do despite what I advise them, and so can end up just going along with their narrative, or being too soft with my delivery because I sense they are not ready for what I have to say.

I am also familiar with friendships that inadvertently become one sided. Not necessarily because my friend doesn’t care about me, but because they haven’t even realised they don’t know me really at all. When I listen so much, and allow the conversations to focus solely on them and their lives, they feel seen and heard. People generally like feeling seen and heard, and will gravitate towards that energy. It makes you feel close to a person because that person makes you feel good. However when all you like about someone is how they make you feel, it might be time to stop and ask yourself how you make them feel. Do you actually know how they feel about anything going on in their own world?

This is not supposed to make you feel bad, if you think you might have been accidentally bonding with your bestie in more of a therapeutic than platonic sense. We all go through hard times and we all need a rescuer friend from time to time! It’s more of a reality check to make sure you aren’t drowning them instead of letting them help you, and that you are still checking in with them to show not only that you appreciate the support, but that you want to reciprocate that to them.

In some ways I think maybe I am a rescuer because I have lived a wonderfully uncomplicated, sheltered and comfortable life. Sometimes I even harbor guilt about this easy existence of mine, when listening to the struggles of others, and sometimes I wonder if I am somewhat living vicariously. My therapist tells me that it is a defense mechanism used to keep people at a distance and I have learned to make myself small to get others approval and make them like me. Maybe it’s both. But it can also be hard for my friends who genuinely want to support me, when I am not really in need of any big support.

Of course, I have friends with whom I talk more than I listen, and friends with whom I listen more than I talk. Most of those dynamics also shift as life goes on, with one of us needing to talk more depending on circumstances. The question for me, or perhaps for my friends, is how to show up for someone and be a good friend when they don’t seem to need anything from you?

The answer is simply to show up. To make the time. Friends are fun, so make sure we are having some. While I am happy to sit on your couch for hours and listen to you, make sure next time you are planning something fun, my name is on the invite list. Because that is a big difference between a friendship and a therapist… you don’t hang out with your therapist. You don’t go catch a movie, or go see a stand up comedian with them or invite them on a girls weekend. They aren’t there for the good stuff, and while you probably do mention it to them, they’re really there for the hard stuff.

We often leave therapy feeling a bit drained, processing all we spoke about, taking in the advice given to us. We should leave friendships and time with friends feeling lighter, fuller, more energized and refreshed. We should leave smiling and be making happy memories.  A friendship is more balanced than a therapeutical relationship, it’s like a see saw that goes up and down with the changes of life but leaves both people enjoying the ride.

Friendship might be a form of therapy, I believe it certainly makes life happier and more fun, but don’t confuse the 2. If you need therapy, pay a therapist, if you need a fun Friday, phone a friend!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Confusing pity for care, compassion and companionship.

Last week we looked at the difference between emotionally venting to a friend, and emotionally dumping on a friend. At the end of that post, I came to question if my current dumper friend, is confusing sympathy and pity as care and compassion as a defining feature of friendship. This week I wanted to explore that concept a little further.

While sympathy, and empathy are components of deep connections in the platonic sphere, they should not be confused with pity. Discussing this with my armchair psychology friend, by which I mean the friend who likes to pick apart and guess at the psychology and why’s of peoples behaviours with me, despite the fact that neither of us are in any way qualified in psychology, she mentioned a friend of hers. Let’s call this friend Maggie, that isn’t her real name, I’ll call her that for the sake of anonymity.

Maggie is a classic dumper. Every time she talks with my friend, she is down in the dumps. She complains constantly about the state of her life, while doing nothing to address the issues. She complains of loneliness and having no friends, despite my friends efforts to develop a friendship with her. She uses health issues as an excuse to isolate herself, and is constantly testing the people in her life waiting for them to fail. Once they make a critical error, they are cut off in the same way Maggie cuts off her own nose to spite her face. Maggie is never wrong, she is always the victim and nobody cares about her.

When my friend tries to suggest that other people might get busy, and forget things like Maggie’s birthday this is unacceptable, and when it is suggested that someone who hasn’t been in touch for a few months might be ill, or dealing with a crisis of their own, that is dismissed as an unacceptable excuse. If they cared enough, they would remember. They know that she is lonely, isolated, disabled and financially struggling. Nothing they could be going through would possibly compare to her own problems which should take priority.

Maggie disputes that they could ever forget her or her problems if they cared, because she is never shy about sharing her problems. In her mind, the only way they can express friendship is via sympathy, however, she doesn’t seem to realise that she isn’t displaying any for other people, and is actually holding people hostage via pity rather than a genuine connection. I don’t think this is a conscious thing, because nobody wants a pity friendship, they want to be liked and loved and celebrated. Seen, heard and understood. Validated.

Maggie is operating from a deep fear of abandonment which is turning into a self fulfilling prophecy. She is making the friendships all about herself and has no self awareness of how she is pushing people away. My friend feels like Maggie is the kind of person you could spend all day with, and it still wouldn’t be enough for her. She would complain of being lonelier when you left, or upset that you couldn’t come again the next day or more regularly.  She doesn’t realise how much she is taking and expecting of others and how little she is offering in return. Nor is she open to hearing it. Maggie has convinced herself she will die alone and is almost ensuring that turns out to be true.

That’s not to say she isn’t grateful for what she does receive. When my friend sent her flowers on her recent birthday she was touched to tears and couldn’t express how meaningful this was to her or her gratitude. And although she isn’t in a position to return the favour on my friends upcoming birthday, I hope Maggie finds her own way of celebrating my friend and acknowledging her friendship and what a kind, patient, loyal and generous person my friend is. I’m no holding my breath though. She will likely fail to acknowledge the day at all, and use her own health and problems as an excuse for forgetting. Funny how she is allowed to forget and expects grace, but isn’t able to extend that same grace to others.

My friend does find communicating with Maggie to be exhausting, however she too remembers a time in her own life when she felt so alone and just needed someone, anyone to listen and care. She is paying it forward with no expectations of Maggie to really reciprocate, as she acknowledges Maggie doesn’t seem to have the emotional or financial resources to give back right now. I suppose you could liken her connection to Maggie as a bit of a charity.

The kind who is always calling asking for more donations, with endless problems and not enough resources to solve them without community support. The kind who kind of knows they are emotionally manipulating you, but does it anyway because it works. And people continue to donate time and money etc.. because it makes them feel good about themselves to help. To be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Unlike myself and my new friend, where I hold hope that in time she will be in a position to reciprocate and build a meaningful connection beyond sympathy and support, my current friend accepts that this is all it is likely to be between herself and Maggie, and she is ok with it for her own reasons. And she is able to hold some distance, holding space for Maggie, and feeling sympathy for her rather than friendship. Wanting to help, rather than bond. Each wanting to feel important, rather than truly intimate.

It takes all kinds of people to make this world go around, and there is a place for this kind of relationship between a giver and a taker. I admire my friend and her commitment to Maggie. She does care, but I wouldn’t go confusing it with friendship, which takes both people, caring about each other, and sharing much more than just tales of sorrow and woe. Caring and compassion are important elements in friendship, but they can’t be the only ones.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Venting or Dumping?

A smile crossed my face when I saw the name of a new friend pop up on my screen, pleased that she had thought of me and reached out. My enthusiasm didn’t last long however, as when I opened the message there was a familiarly heavy tone to the message. My new friend has clinical depression, isn’t fabulous at keeping track of her meds and staying consistent on them, and was experiencing a particularly hard time in her life. On the one hand I was pleased she felt safe to confide in me, and trusted I would be a safe and supportive place to fall. On the other hand, her consistently heavy tone left me feeling a little depleted and more like a therapist than a friend.

This caused me to consider the question of when a friend is venting, compared to when they are emotionally dumping on you. Of course, the first consideration has to be your own circumstances, because if I was feeling heavy myself, then that would make me susceptible to feeling immediately overloaded by her own emotions and less able to tell the difference. However, at that point, I was feeling light, not experiencing any particular distresses of my own. This made me feel bad that I was a bit annoyed at my friend. Was it really her fault if she was feeling low? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t more instantly sympathetic?

The next question to ponder was what is the difference between venting and dumping? Is it dumping if you are consistently venting? I think the main difference is contextual. We all have bad days, and we all do need to vent about them. When you don’t speak to someone everyday, maybe you do have lots to vent about when you interact, to catch them up. I definitely have one friend who seems to experience a lot more drama in her life than I do in mine, and yet, when she discusses her troubles I am attentive and interested. I don’t feel annoyed. I do feel sympathy for her situation, if a little guilty at my own simple seemingly carefree existence. This friend makes me think of the expression about putting all your problems into a pile and soon realizing you would pick up your own problems quickly compared to other people’s. As one of my own less sympathetic friends would put it… some people have real problems. I admit many of mine are first world issues. And I am grateful, as dismissive as this friend can be, she’s not wrong.

So why is it one friend can consistently vent to me, without it feeling draining, while another doing a similar thing annoys me? Is it that I don’t like my new friend as much? To be fair, my old friend and I have a deeper, richer history, so yes, that probably does play a small role in my ability to have patience and more empathy for her struggles. Having been friends for many years, and having walked a similar path, helps give me the context for her problems that may be lacking with my newer friend. But it is more than that. Our history has also allowed time for us to build happy memories, and share as many good light conversations and laughs as negative ones. We have shared a whole range of emotions together, to balance things out.

While my new friend does not have the benefit of time on her side to have this wide range yet, it does mean that I am seeing a pattern whereby she only seems to be reaching out to me when she is low, hence losing that balance, or skewing it heavily in a more negative scale. On top of that, my older friend is more open to solutions… she wants to address the issues at bay, and welcomes suggestions. My newer friend, however, tends to dwell in the negatives, getting stuck there and shooting down any suggestions immediately. She has tried everything, the world is against her, there is no possible escape from the darkness and nobody can possibly shine even the smallest amount of light on the situation.

I suppose, my new friend, gets a little bit stuck in victim mentality. To be fair to her, the problems she is experiencing are big issues. They are real problems and she does seem to be getting dunked with wave after wave of unfair life events. Several deaths of close family members close together, separation and divorce issues, abuse, homelessness and her own chronic health issues all come together to form a real storm that I myself would struggle to navigate. I can see why she is a bit stuck in victim mentality, which is why I persevere with our connection. I have met her at a very vulnerable time in her life, through no fault of her own.

Part of my annoyance surely stems from my own sense of helplessness to actually fix any of her problems. And while I think a professional therapist is a wonderful idea, I also see that you can’t exactly talk your way out of situations like homelessness. That said, there are things she could do, and yet can’t seem to bring herself to do them to better her own life. And I think that is where I am struggling most because you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t drink for it, and you can’t make it drink for itself.

I am sure she will reach a point where she is ready to act, and until then she just needs a safe space to talk and a willing ear to actively listen. And of course I am willing to be that person, because I would hate for my friend to act on her darkest thoughts of self harm. However, I do hope, in time, the scales come into more equal balance or I fear we will never reach our full potential for a fulfilling close relationship. In part because while she is experiencing all of this, there isn’t really much room for me in the friendship.

That said, there are things I can do, to help balance the scales. I can show up and show her a good time. I can try to distract her, be there for her, and help her realise she isn’t as alone as she feels. I can help her see the amazing woman that she is, and believe in her until she has the courage to believe in herself. I can bring the lightness to alleviate some of the dark heaviness she carries, and help her carry what I cannot carry for her.  I can be patient, and see what unfolds. And I can decide how much time and attention to invest to ensure I am not overwhelmed by her.

Time will tell if we are able to reach our full potential, or if my friend is confusing pity and sympathy as care and friendship. More on that topic next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Depressed friend... depressing friendship

This week I got a request to address an issue that a reader is experiencing in their friendship. Let’s call them Sam and Chris. Sam and Chris have been friends for 10 years and have seen each other through many up’s and downs in that time, however lately it feels like Chris is the one who carries the friendship. Chris is usually the first one to reach out, almost always the one to initiate plans and time spent together and shows more interest in Sam’s life than Sam does in theirs. However, Sam almost always agrees to plans with Chris and they have a great time when they are together, and often goes out of their way to provide Chris with assistance. For the past year or 2 however, Sam has been in a dark place emotionally. Chris knows that Sam is feeling lost in life, experiencing a few different kinds of heartbreak at once and is angry at the world for the seeming injustice of it all. Sam has lost an opportunity that was important to them and is having a bit of an identity crisis and questioning their place or purpose in this world. Sam has acknowledged all of this, and their emotional distance while they navigate their personal problems.

However, Chris is feeling quite hurt by Sam’s attitude. Sam seems to be pushing Chris away and Chris is at a loss of what to do or say. After 2 years of a heavily one sided friendship, Chris is wondering if it is time to walk away. Chris doesn’t want to abandon Sam in their time of need, but they also can’t keep carrying the friendship forever. More and more, when they spend time together, Sam is irritable, snappy, judgmental and angry. Sam often shuts Chris down, and or is disinterested in conversation. The things they say aren’t unsupportive, yet somehow feel empty and dismissive. Chris is starting to leave their time together feeling drained, unappreciated, unseen and unsupported. When Chris tried to communicate these issues, Sam seemed responsive and promised to be a better friend, however, 6 months later and things have returned to how they were after a small brief initial effort by Sam. Chris does not know if they are demanding or expecting too much of Sam as a friend right now. Chris is wondering if they should be more patient with Sam or cut their losses.

(NOTE: As I am not a qualified mental health professional, the following is my opinion only, and should not be considered advice. )

This is quite a typical scenario in a friendship, when one party has less to give and so the other has to stretch themselves to offer more in order to preserve the relationship. The friendship is obviously important to Chris, or they wouldn’t write to me about it, and although I have my doubts, we can only assume it is also important to Sam, as they openly expressed they don’t want to lose Chris only 6 months ago when the issue was raised between the pair. The question is, how far and for how long can Chris continue to stretch for Sam, and at what cost?

For starters, it would seem to me, like Sam could benefit from talking to a mental health professional to help guide and support them through this challenging period in their life…. However, whilst I’d encourage Chris to suggest this to Sam, Chris cannot control how Sam navigates this difficulty. All Chris can control is how Chris responds to Sam. So far, it sounds like Chris has responded with kindness and patience, however that patience is starting to run a bit thin. And I can see why, so if Chris is seeking validation that it is ok to be frustrated with Sam; It is ok.

Just because Sam has a heavy load right now, does not negate the fact that Chris also has the right to a fulfilling, supportive and satisfying friendship. Having needs, does not make Chris needy, even if the pressures of those needs are too heavy for Sam to carry right now. And they are. Sam, overwhelmed by their own grief, has nothing to offer Chris in terms of a friendship right now. You cannot pour from an empty cup, but that doesn’t mean Chris’ needs don’t matter or that they shouldn’t be met. They should. So, does that mean I am suggesting Chris should walk away from Sam? (In my opinion NOT as advice.)

No. The question of whether to walk away from Sam, or to stay closer and keep trying, ignores a large grey area in the middle where Chris could put a bit less energy into their friendship with Sam, and turn to other people who have a greater capacity to meet their needs right now. Sam appears to needs a bit of space right now to deal with themselves, however, Chris can hold hope that one day in the future, Sam may once again be in a better place to be the friend that they once were. If Chris keeps pushing Sam for more than they can give, it will only push them away further. In order to reduce the pressure on Sam, and simultaneously increase Chris’ own sense of social satisfaction, distance appears to be the best option. Not to walk away, but to take a few steps back.

I get the impression from Chris’ letter that they are fearful that if they take these steps of letting go, the friendship may inadvertently end, given that Chris' feels strongly that it is only their effort keeping the connection alive as it is. I couldn’t promise that this wouldn’t be the outcome either, sadly. What I can promise is that Chris will feel better either way. Sam is not being a good friend to Chris right now. So what does Chris really have to lose? Instead of focusing on what Chris might lose, they could think of the amazing new connections they might gain? If Sam needs Chris, by all means Chris can still show up for them, but only if they invite Chris in. If Chris does this, the onus will be on them to only give as much as they can comfortably offer, without expecting much in return and becoming resentful of Sam all over again.

I said earlier, it seems like Sam needs some space…. Actually it strikes me that, both parties could use some space from each other. Only time will tell if the friendship will ever be restored between these two, but not all endings need a formal goodbye. Many friendships fade away or grow apart in such a way that they still hold positive regard for each other, which leaves the door open for it to grow close again in another season of life. If I were Chris I would start making fewer requests for Sam’s company, and initiating less conversations with them and making more requests and initiations with other friends. I’d be kind and open minded when I saw or spoke to Sam with the same genuine compassion Chris shows now, accepting that it isn’t personal, or about Chris, at all. By respecting Sam’s silent request for space, Chris would also be respecting themselves. Chris may not want space, but I feel like they do need it.

For clarification on what space actually means, check out this post I wrote a few years back. Best of luck to you Chris, however you handle things and however your friendship with Sam evolves. Thanks for reaching out.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Blocking Buddies

Ok, I know this topic is subjective, and I am not trying to place judgement on the blockers out there. You do what you need to do for your own mental health and peace. However, I personally, am not a blocker. I don’t see the point, or find it necessary to block people from my social media, even if we are no longer friends. I am hesitant to even unfriend somebody, because it feels like such a decisive and hurtful thing to do to someone. Maybe because I have been hurt by being on the receiving end in the past, or maybe because I never like to think of endings as such final things. Particularly in friendships, where it is common for the relationships to ebb and flow. What may be ebbing now, may one day flow again in the future if the soil is still fertile?

I am no saint though, and I have enough ex friends on my list to vouch for my many imperfections as a friend. I am fairly sure people who aren’t exes could also chime in. Haha I have been known to simply unfollow someone if their presence in my feed is upsetting me, making me anxious, or just spamming me with content I am disinterested in. Out of sight, out of mind, right? As for how many people have blocked me? I don’t know, because I don’t feel the need to look somebody up if they left my life. For starters if they unfriended me the most I would see would be a profile picture anyway, and secondly, if they made it clear they don’t want me in their life, I respect that. I hope they are all happy, but I don’t need to see it.

There have been 2 occasions however, where my unfollowing a friend has meant I missed a fairly important update in their life, and once it ended the friendship and the other it led to a productive conversation about why our communication had broken down and a repair. There has only been one occasion however, when a friendship was re-established after an unfriending and blocking. Because it almost feels like a permanent deletion of the existence of the friendship or the other person at all. It’s hard to recover from. Added to the shame that can come with the split and subsequent re-adding being such a public affair.

Being unfriended and blocked feels like an assault, and when it is sudden and unexpected, that only adds salt to the wound. Someone in my life recently experienced this and she was extremely hurt, shocked and baffled by this. Just the night before her and her buddy had been enjoying a casual chat about movies, video games and just catching up on life and their respective relationships and jobs. Nothing earth shattering, but also nothing that my friend could see that would cause her friend to block her the following day. Which is exactly what they did.

My friend was concerned about her buddy, and curious as to what had transpired. She wanted to apologize, and let him know that she was open to hearing from him again in the future. So she found a way to reach him via email, and sent a heartfelt message. He didn’t reply. This started to make my friend angry. She felt she deserved at least an explanation, a goodbye and an acknowledgement of her concern. The silence was loud.

A week passed before he contacted her. In that week, she had been stewing in her emotions, becoming more self righteous, certain that she had done nothing to warrant such disrespect. So although she said in her message she was open to contact, when it came through, she wasn’t all that happy to hear from him. (See post Accepting an apology when you are still mad for guidance on this issue.) He blamed his deteriorated state of mental health on the incident and she let him know this was not ok, and she deserved better. Thankfully they managed to work through this glitch and came out stronger, with her encouraging him to discuss these issues rather than withdraw.

He was, in a way, fortunate that he didn’t wait until too much time had passed to address the issue, even if my friend was initially still mad, because the longer you leave the awkward silence and leave the other person virtually deleted, the harder it is to recover from. You either have to leave it for a very long time until you both feel neutral about the situation and ready to move forward, which can take years, or recover swiftly and accept accountability for the blocking. This is true regardless of whether or not the blocking was expected or unexpected.

Obviously, my friend in this situation was right to be hurt, and also right that the best way to address conflict, or needs for space, due to mental health, or anything else should be openly communicated. That said, even if there is active conflict between you, I would always advocate for proceeding with caution before you press that block button.

Are you really certain that this is necessary? Are you sure that you honestly want to be rid of that person forever and sever the social tie publicly? Are you acting in your own best interests, or acting out of spite in a heated moment? Might you one day regret permanently deleting this person? Will it impact any mutual connections? Is this an act of power or revenge? Is it warranted?

I have heard people claim that they block the other party to prevent themselves from looking backwards or seeing unwanted updates through mutual connections etc…. which might be fair enough, but it doesn’t seem all that logical, being that any time you want to look, you could choose to unblock them, temporarily or permanently. So are you being rational, or emotional?

While I encourage discretion with the block button, if the other party was abusive, threatening, or in any other way damaging to your health or safety, then go ahead and block them. Block them everywhere and keep them blocked.

At the end of the day, although blocking buddies is effectively saying “you’re dead to me,” nobody will literally die from this social situation, so maybe it doesn’t have to be as serious as it sounds. Share your experiences of blocking or being blocked by buddies in the comments below, or over on my socials!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When someone likes your friendship more than they like you.

It might seem impossible, for someone to like your friendship, if in fact, they dislike you, or at least, feel somewhat ambivalent or don’t like you very much, which is more likely. I suppose if they outright couldn’t stand you then the benefit of being your friend would not outweigh their distaste for you. But that is what can make it dangerous you see, because they can argue that they do like you, and even make good points about ways in which this has been demonstrated.

Yet it is possible that someone values your friendship when in fact they don’t really care for you as a person. In my own experiences, this tends to have been because I am reliable. Most people enjoy having that friend in their corner that they know with a degree of certainty will be there for them if called upon. This is truer if that person’s love language happens to be acts of service. Being reliable means that I will do what I say I will do, and being my friend means that I like you enough to try and help you if I can.

I have learned over the years, however to use discretion in what I will agree to, because acts of service is not one of my love languages and often leaves me feeling depleted and used. My love language is quality time, so if all I ever seem to do is run around doing favours for a person who never makes any time for me outside of this, I will quickly become resentful. Therefore the onus is on me to say yes only to things that wont cause me to feel resentful, and this will in some form or another be loosely based on the amount of quality time this friend affords me.

That’s not the only circumstance a person may feel that people like their friendship more than they like themselves. If the person has a useful profession, such as a hairdresser or a mechanic, people may keep you in their circle for the benefits of your services or expertise, often expected at a reduced rate or even free. Alternatively you might be the life of the party, someone people call to go dancing and drinking with, yet you find your name excluded from the dinner party list, or that nobody is there for you when your pet dies.

These are just a few examples that come to mind, I’m sure there are many more, but it highlights the concept that some of our friends probably do value having us as their friends, perhaps more than they value being friends of yours. There is a difference. A friend of mine once showed me a very cryptic carefully worded message she received from someone she had once considered a friend after some tension. It said “We (it was a couple friendship) still consider ourselves to be friends of you and your partner.” What stood out to me, was what wasn’t said, which screamed the loudest. We do not consider you friends of ours. But we would like for you to still consider us friends for our occasional benefit, and because I do not wish to actually say that no, we don’t consider you friends. They valued the friendship, but not the people within it.

Most of the time, we know deep down when this is the case. And maybe, maybe, we all do have friendships that fall into that category too ourselves, which makes it harder to be too judgmental of those who treat us in similar ways. We might understand it, but that doesn’t mean it feels any less bad when it happens to you. Nobody likes the friend who only calls when they want something, regardless of what it is that they want.

I have one friend who only seems to get in touch when she is feeling very low, and another who seems to forget my existence until she needs a babysitter. However it isn’t always as obvious as that. Sometimes it might be a feeling, more than a fact. That friend who never seems to make time for you, although they always seem to say yes if you initiate quality time. Or that friend who asks you to do a lot for them, however makes excuses not to help you half the time. The friend who cancels frequently, but not always, or the friend who you have a great time with but only when they’re single.

I am willing to bet these scenarios are familiar to us all in one way or another. And I am willing to say that nobody enjoys this feeling which is hard to ignore. When it becomes a real issue, is when all your friends seem to treat you in this way, or when a friend who was once close and whom you value a lot, quite suddenly starts to feel as if they belong in this category. If you still believe yourself to be close friends with someone who has decided they actually like your friendship but it’s a shame that involves you, as a person, it can go on for quite a long time before you start to realise that you seem to be giving a lot more than you are getting.

And this is different to last weeks love bombing over generosity, it’s just you supporting your friend like you usually would, but slowly over time, finding that their effort has significantly diminished. If this is the case, as soon as you start noticing this trend, put the brakes on your own effort. There is no point in trying to discuss this with them as they will deny it, even though you feel its truth. They can’t say they don’t like you or you wont still be there for them. You can’t make them invest more, and there’s a good chance they will make excuses coupled with false promises of change. Only for you to hang on longer and ultimately get disappointed again. It’s like platonic gaslighting.

However, if you reduce your effort to match theirs, they’ll notice the shift. And the choice will be theirs to make. If they increase their effort, there is a good chance they became overwhelmed with life, but definitely value you and don’t want to lose you, and recognize their mistake. They may or may not apologise or communicate, but action speaks louder than words regardless. If they either don’t seem to notice or care, you have it on good authority that they are relieved you got the message and stopped trying to push for more closeness.

If this is the case, you have to decide if you are comfortable also having them in your life, from time to time, on friendly enough terms, however not considering them actually an active friend, or if you want to slowly distance yourself by being consistently unavailable for requests until they get the message and the connection fades away.

There is no right or wrong answer to how you handle this, but the quicker you action this plan, and stop pondering why things changed or how to bring it up or fix it, the sooner you will start feeling better. People who value your friendship, more than they value you, aren’t worth the level of emotional turmoil. If you find all of your friendships are like this, ask yourself how you could show up better for people in more deep, vulnerable and authentic ways. Do you initiate? Do you show interest in others? Are you reliable and consistent with your efforts? If your answer is no, changing those things is your action plan.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Love bombing in friendships

Quite a while back I wrote a post pertaining to the experiences of having a people pleasing friend, in particular one with low self esteem, which often goes hand in hand with people pleasing tendencies. A more recent reader made a comment that this sounded a lot like love bombing. I could certainly see the similarities in the 2 situations, and it made me ponder the idea. Can love bombing exist in friendships?

In answer to the question, I’d have to conclude that yes, it can. If I believe friendships to be little more than non romantic relationships, which I do, then that makes them just as susceptible to most of the complexities often more heavily associated with romantic relationships. The main difference in either context, being intent. Which can be tricky to decipher, because you aren’t living inside someone else’s psyche. But there will be signs.

Love bombing, can be described as the use of over generosity, with gifts, money or affection, quite soon after meeting someone. It is said to be a form of coercive control, used to manipulate someone or make them dependent on the love bomber. The ways in which these acts are manipulative can be hard to  spot as they are disguised as something positive.

Some examples of love bombing might include cancelling plans together, however gifting you a pamper pack so you can have a nice night in on your own instead, or always paying for lunch, however bringing it up every time you express concerns and making you feel or seem ungrateful. In love bombing it is usually a cycle, whereby they either let you down then make up for it with some sort of grand gesture, or something that is consistent in the beginning, then quickly stops and is followed by put downs. In the latter scenario you may even feel there has been a complete role reversal with yourself now feeling responsible for footing the bill and buying them generous gifts in order to keep them and get them to return to that person they were in the beginning.

While these things can happen in friendships, and both ultimately stem from a fear of abandonment, what we tend to see in friendships is a less variable nature of the giving. Meaning the giving, of attention, affection, gifts, acts of service and experiences, remains consistent throughout the friendship. It is not brought up, lorded over you, or turned against you in order to make you feel guilty. That’s not to say that you wont feel guilty, you probably will, and a good test is to set clear boundaries and see if your friend can respect them. For example paying your own way or taking turns. Or giving them a limit, for example a $20 gifting rule or no more than 2 gifts etc…

Hopefully, in time, as your friend grows more comfortable that you do in fact like them, and they don’t need to try so hard to keep you, their efforts will calm down some. Not all the way though, and this is probably an important distinction, because your friend values generosity as a personality trait of theirs and not a vice to manipulate. Giving without expecting anything in return.

If you still aren’t sure, another useful tool is to look at their other friendships and relationships, and behaviours. Are they a generous tipper for good service? Do they give money to homeless people or charities? Do they also shower other friends with gifts and experiences for birthdays or other celebrations? Do they ever complain to you about feeling used by any of the aforementioned friends?

It might be hard to imagine that someone could be so generous, and I do tend to believe that deep down it does stem from a deep need for validation. A desire to be liked. Finding oneself lacking in other qualities such as confident, fun, outgoing, popular. It can stem from childhood where love was only shown through monetary means – presents in place of presence for example. It could stem from the idea that you invest financially in things and people you value. The intentions are usually pure, and you can usually tell.

That’s not to say it can’t still cross boundaries and blur the lines of controlling behaviour. If you don’t really like the band playing at the concert they want to see, and try to use money as an excuse, it can be hard to argue if they quip that they will purchase the tickets. For this reason, you may need to be more direct in communication with this friend and actually say “no thanks, that doesn’t interest me.” However, because they likely have low self esteem and may feel rejected that you didn’t opt to spend time together, you may add “I’d much rather we just met for coffee next week sometime instead?” To provide subtle reassurance that you do value time with them.

If you happen to be the kind of person who values being treated as royalty, and is more comfortable in a receiving role, and yes, these types of people do tend to be drawn to one another, then the onus will be on you to make sure that you are no taking so much that the other person does feel used and as though you only like them for what they can offer. You aren’t necessarily a bad person for being a taker any more than they are a bad person for being a giver. Perhaps you were raised to believe that your worth to other is only demonstrated by their financial investment. Or perhaps you never felt financially safe and secure or taken care of, therefore this particular breed of love appeals to you. As long as you are giving back in ways that your friend feels seen and valued, it doesn’t have to matter who foots the bill.

One red flag, be it in a friendship or romantic relationship, is if the person in question doesn’t seem to have any other people around them, and only has negative things to say about their past encounters. If they are quick to say people just use them for money, then you notice an over generosity, it is fairly safe to assume your name is going to be added eventually to their history book of users.

At the end of the day, the best advice is to trust your gut, speak up if you’re uncomfortable and set clear boundaries that keep everyone comfortable. Communicate with openness and vulnerability to get to the root cause of a love bombing friend, and if you believe they are genuine, work hard to prove your friendship on its own merits outside of excess. Choose free activities, spend consistent quality time but not too frequent, initiate, demonstrate appropriate levels of attention and affection… just show you care.

If you don’t believe they are genuine, or just feel too triggered or uncomfortable and they refuse to change, this probably isn’t the right fit for you, and that’s ok too.

Have you ever experienced love bombing in friendships? Comment below, submit your story above, or head on over to my Facebook page to share your experiences, I’d love to hear them.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Duos with Disorganised Attachment

Ok, over the past months I have been focusing on attachment theory again and summarizing how they show up as friends, or the problems that can occur in friendships as a result of people’s differing styles. However, this week, I wanted to address the fact that most of us actually have more of a disorganized attachment style. Basically, what that means is that certain people and situations trigger us to be avoidant, while others trigger us to be more needy.

I know I fit into this category, because I can think of some friends who would describe me as anxious and needy, and others who would describe me as avoidant and distant, and even a few who might even call me fairly secure. And it is so interesting to me that all of them are right! Because as I said at the end of last weeks post, avoidant and anxious are opposite sides of the same coin. Yes, they are opposite, but it depends who is flipping the coin as to whether they land us on heads or tails.

I have also observed this in some of my friends. Lets take the ones with whom I tend to be a little bit more needy, for example. This is in direct relation to their need to hold me at a distance. Which makes me insecure, and feel I need to push for more closeness in order to believe that they actually want to stay in my life at all. I often feel like if I stopped initiating, then I would probably stop seeing them at all. This may or may not be true, that’s not the point this week. What is part of the point is that I have witnessed with my own eyes and ears these people chasing recklessly after other friends in their own worlds in the exact same ways that I chase them.

These friends complain to me about behaviours their avoidant friend exhibit, although they seem oblivious to the fact that they often treat me with the same kind of disregard. It’s fascinating to me that they can see it when they are on the receiving end but not from the other side. That said, I must be the same… or maybe worse? Because I write this blog, so I must be aware of it on some level… and I know I do the same thing to the friends who trigger my own avoidant side.  But I am no more aware of it when it happens then my avoidant friends are. Because it is all subconscious.

I think it must be triggered when someone likes you more than you like them or vice versa. The friends with whom I have a more equal investment are probably the ones who might describe me as secure. Only when issues arise do we trigger each other one way or the other, but this is minor and infrequent. However, in some other relationships, including friendships, there is sometimes a quiet imbalance and the power tips in favour of the least invested party. This person, regardless of how anxious and needy they may be in other relationships or friendships, automatically assumes the more distant role, which only further triggers the anxiety and insecurity of the more invested party.

That isn’t to say that the avoidant person in the scenario doesn’t like their friend, they probably do – friendships are optional and you’re unlikely to bother maintaining them with people you don’t like. That said, it is always the role of the other to actually maintain the friendship and there have been distinct times when I have wondered if someone likes my friendship more than they like me. That’s a post for next week! Lol

If it weren’t all subconscious, and we were more self aware, these experiences of being triggered into the opposite side of the attachment coin than our usual default – we could probably learn so much about ourselves and our other friends. We could recognize our own needy behaviours and how they may smother someone…. Or they could see how their distant ones may be coming across as cold and uncaring at times. If we could both do this and meet  in  the middle we may find the very security we seek.

While it seems that this isn’t a likely outcome, because both people actually have the same attachment style, what it does mean, is that we can be very patient and understanding with one another. The avoidant can resist the urge to flee totally, because they know how it feels to be on the opposite side, while the anxious can appreciate the hesitance of the avoidant and understand they are just afraid of getting hurt, and actually do want and need the love and connection they run from.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cx50jdCLupf/

Both parties are responding to fear, and deep down both are actually somewhat emotionally unavailable. Its not deliberate, but on some level, this game of push and pull feels comfortable to them as the inconsistency mimics the relationships they had with caregivers as youngsters. Sometimes rewarding and sometimes cold. Sometimes there for them, sometimes distracted. Never knowing when they were going to feel loved and wanted or like an annoying unwanted burden.

Both parties struggle with boundaries, they may try to assert themselves from time to time, but lack any real consistency that would signal where a hard boundary lies. They cross boundaries easily and frequently, and can both be emotionally extreme at times. Which makes them more susceptible to conflict. One over shares too much too quickly and too easily while the other struggles to share anything vulnerable at all and will quickly retreat if they feel they revealed too much.

The avoidant thinks they want the anxious to go away and leave them alone, yet the minute the anxious threatens to do that, the power shifts and suddenly the avoidant becomes the anxious. So this cycle is hard to break, because they can’t live with each other or without each other.

If you recognize a friendship in your life caught in this cycle, my best advice, other than professional therapy, is to just try to be less extreme. If you’re anxious, don’t try quite so hard, focus on other friends and other hobbies etc…. If you’re avoidant, try harder, make a few invitations, talk about something vulnerable. If you’re adults, communicate about what you need from each other, hear one another, reflect on your own behaviours and the impacts it has on your friend and your friendship, and act accordingly… With love and reassurance that you are working towards the same goal, which is simply to be better friends to each other and remember your friend is your friend, not your parent!

Easier said than done, I know. Best of luck to you all!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Avoidant Attachment Amigos

A few months ago I wrote a piece on friendships with a person who exhibits behaviours in line with anxious attachment style. Attachment styles are learned in infancy as a way to regulate, feel safe and have our needs met, and revolve predominantly around our caregivers and their responses to our needs during the first few years of life. There are a lucky few who had very stable caregivers that constantly and consistently met the needs of the infants in question, however, for most of us that wasn’t always the case.

I would like to point out that I am not a fan of blaming the parents for everything. I like to hope that most parents, and I know it is by no means all of them, did the best they could with the resources they had at the time. And I would also like to make it a point that the most important resources were often emotional rather than physical. If we have survived this far, it is safe to assume our basic physical needs were met in order for us to survive. It is the emotional needs that are more indicative of thriving versus surviving.

And it is worth noting that how available your caregivers were to you, is likely an indication of their own attachment styles which formed well before you when they themselves were young. It is a bit of a cycle. I do not profess to be any expert on the issue, in fact, I know relatively little about it at all really. It is certainly interesting armchair psychology, and the ways it impacts our relationships with others fascinates me. Most people tend to focus on how this impacts our romantic partnerships but I am more interested in platonic pairings, and how they are equally impacted.

As I pointed out in my article a few months back about friends anxious attachment, we can be needy, smothering and demanding as this is the way we learned to get our needs met as youngsters. Maybe it is a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease? We need lots of reassurance and chase after validation from others, insecure that any signs of distance are indicative that our friend no longer likes us and perhaps never really did. We can be exhausting. I admit it.

The people we exhaust most, are our avoidant attachment amigos. These people learned from a young age that their needs would fairly consistently not be met at all, and the best approach was to have no needs so that they couldn’t be let down, and to only depend on themselves. These individuals often appear overly confident. Unlike their anxious peers, they do not often seek validation, they have had to believe in their own worth without the support of anyone else. They are independent and the opposite of needy.

Afraid of getting hurt or let down, their strategy is to basically avoid getting attached in the first place. Nobody can leave them if they never let anyone in to begin with, right? On paper, this would make them seem highly incompatible with anxious folks. And really, they are. Yet, we tend to find ourselves drawn together. Anxious attachment types can’t resist trying to win the affections of the avoidant, because they can’t stand feeling disliked. The avoidant’s style triggers all their insecurities about being unlovable as they jump through hoops of fire to be called a friend at all. The avoidant appears to hardly notice and actually loses some respect for the anxious here. They find us annoying and smothering and far too needy.

https://www.instagram.com/thejessicadasilva/

So why are they drawn to us then, if they hate us so much? Because we love them. And they want to be loved just like anyone else. They feel confident we wont leave them. They understand we will continue to chase them as long as they stay aloof. Which they will. It’s not to hurt us, but to save themselves because they truly believe if they showed us the love we show them, that we would then leave them. The risk is too big, the hurt too much. They need us every bit as much as we need them.

Sure, they have an easier time of it when they are with their other avoidant pals. They are all low maintenance, and basically ask or expect nothing of each other. When they do ask, and that friend shows up for them, this serves to strengthen their bond immensely given how much they hate asking or relying on others. How scary depending on someone feels and their potential for disappointment. But the thing is, they wont dare express that disappointment. If they need something, they are far more likely to depend on the anxious, because they know these are the people who will show up. They also know we will express disappointment though if they don’t show up for us in the same ways, so they spend a lot of time managing down our expectations of them and keeping us at a distance so we don’t get too comfortable asking for support.

https://www.instagram.com/thejessicadasilva/

Essentially they see themselves in the anxious. The weak helpless child, and while they understand the need, they have chosen a more powerful position in life, to be the parent who is emotionally unavailable. The person who can make choices for themselves without considering the needs of others as closely. They might be the work friend who just cuts contact when they leave, or the friend who decides to live overseas on a whim and can’t seem to understand your emotional distress if you say you will miss them. They can’t fathom that their actions impact other people because they just don’t attach to begin with. They liked you, maybe even loved you, but they will always be fine without you. They will also always be a bit lonely.

The thing is, actually, we are the really opposite sides of the same coin. We had needs that weren’t met and learned opposite coping mechanisms. One decided to discard the need while the other decided to become needier. It probably depended on what was more effective with your caregiver. The issue is that most of us are actually not anxious or avoidant 100%.  I think it is probably more like a spectrum, with some leaning heavily towards avoidant and some leaning towards anxious….. but that means essentially that most of us are actually both anxious and avoidant types.

So, what impact does that have on our friendships? More on that next week?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

https://www.instagram.com/thejessicadasilva/

Happy Mother’s Day To You…. And To ME!

I have written a few little love letters to my mother for mother’s day over the years of blogging here, and I stand behind all of them. I have written a sympathetic post for those of you who have suffered the loss of your mother, and acknowledged my fortune in still being blessed with my own in my life. And I have written a post for the mothers amongst you who have sadly lost your children or been unsuccessful to date in creating life.

I write from a place of privilege. I try to be aware of this, however at times I am sure it is only obvious to those readers without. So I would like to take this moment to again acknowledge that I am blessed with a lovely and loving mother. I fell pregnant easily with 2 beautiful healthy babies who have grown into well balanced teens, and I was fortunate enough to get the coveted pigeon pair of one boy and one girl. (Who, so far, both identify as such.)

I am also lucky enough that my husband earns enough money to afford me the stay at home mum lifestyle. I have much to be thankful for, and I am. However, that doesn’t mean my life has been perfect, or that I haven’t faced any struggles along the way. I have.

While I consider it to be very much his own loss, my son’s biological father exited stage left after standing me up for the birthing partner classes. He has never met the beautiful boy we created together. That beautiful boy was diagnosed at 6 months old with special needs, in the same appointment that I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, and told that my beautiful baby was failing to thrive on my breast milk.

I’m not too sure if it was then, or before then, that I began to feel like a failure as a mother. I am willing to guess this is a secret fear, or insecurity at least of all of us thrust into the first forays of motherhood. But the feeling was heavy, and persistent. It was my fault his father had walked away, because I didn’t choose well for my son, and because I couldn’t be more loveable. It was my fault he was failing to thrive on my milk, I must’ve been failing to ingest the correct ingredients for him to thrive. It was my fault he had special needs, perhaps my depression prevented me from being the mother he deserved. It was my fault I was depressed, why couldn’t I cope as the other mothers at mother’s group seemed to? Why was I the only one who was finding this hard? I must be too selfish for motherhood.

As he grew up, and our lives revolved around speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, psychology and rheumatologists, along with countless other doctors, specialists, pediatricians and cousellors, any improvements were attributed to my son’s determination and curiosity. Any failures or set backs were attributed to me and I was sent on parenting courses, inundated with literature to read and given endless amounts of homework to help me help him.

When he did well at school it was attributed to good teachers and when he lagged behind, it was me who was dragged in to parent teacher meetings to discuss what more I could do for him. When his attention improved it was attributed to the medication and when his attention was off I was questioned about whether I remembered to medicate. When I medicated on school holidays I was judged for trying to make my own life easier, and when I didn’t medicate on school holidays I was accused of neglecting his needs.

When I brought in a tutor to help with his studies, that was the reason for his improvements and was because I had failed to help him enough myself. I admit the tutor has far more patience, and knowledge than me, and I willingly give credit where credit is due. But I made that decision after years of struggling to do it all myself and having it negatively impact my relationship with my special boy. Which was always the most important thing to me.

As I am not in paid employment, I am judged and harshly criticized for being lazy and a lady of leisure. While this may be closer to the truth today, for many years, my special needs son, was my full time job. And I gave it everything in me. I was not paid, I was not acknowledged and it would have been easier to return to work and have someone else deal with the meltdowns and the endless repetitive tasks and never ending list of extra curricular activities on the list.

This is not a criticism of working mothers. Although my own worked, and I do feel it impacted me as a child, I enjoyed, and continue to enjoy the fruits of that labour and wanted for nothing. And my own mother, as do all of you who are working mothers, did most of the things I am doing, potentially with a less supportive spouse and a 9-5 job. I respect it and the choice. I see the pros and cons to each. I am constantly bewildered at how you do it all and am aware that the schools give almost no notice when they request your attendance for an award, or cancel and reschedule sports day because of weather when all the working parents already took the day off work. I admire you and I don’t think your children are any less loved or cared for than my own. I have a very close friend with a special needs child who works full time and does an arguably better job than me at mothering! I cannot describe my admiration for her enough!

This is true regardless of your employment status.

However, what spurs me on to write this post is my son. Who is in his final year of school, and his final official year of childhood. He just passed his driver’s test the first time, which is notoriously hard in this state. He did his manual assessment which is even harder. He has a part time job he has held for over 2 years at which he is excelling, according to his manager. He is completing a pre-apprenticeship in plumbing. He passed his English and Maths standards assessment. He is passing his courses and keeping up with his assessments. He is polite and happy. He takes his grandparents out for meals regularly and thanks them for making time for him, genuinely.

I could not be prouder of the young man he has become despite the adversity and challenges he has faced and continues to face. And it dawns on me that I played a massive role in all of this. The years of advocating, of taking him to specialists, of doing the homework… the last year of letting a person who couldn’t drive chauffeur me around on busy freeways and highways to get his hours up… the years of making him my priority and my full time job, whilst also running this blog, raising my other child, maintaining the home and managing the bills and finances, travelling and participating in a fulfilling social life, has paid off. I was not, I am not a failure of a mother. This is a story of success. The proof is in the pudding.

can’t it be both?

I am a good mother and I deserve to be celebrated this mother’s day, and so do all of you. We are all doing the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. We are all making the hard choices we feel are right for our beautiful babies. This is true even if your child is still struggling, isn’t quite there yet, is making bad choices for themselves or hanging out with the wrong crowd. If they are struggling mentally or physically or emotionally. If they are rebelling etc…. but you are still there, still trying, never giving up, in the trenches everyday, doing what you can to guide and support them, you are still a good mum and I have hope the proof will be in your pudding too oneday soon.

Hang in there mums. Let’s not make it a competition or a comparison. We all love our kids and we need to support each other as best we can, without judgement and show our kids what trust and loyalty and support in friendships looks like in real life.

Happy Mother’s Day Mum. You did a good job, I raised a beautiful human we are all proud of. You helped me do that. You showed me how to love by loving me unconditionally. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mums whatever stage you’re at. And most of all, happy mother’s day to me, because my children make me endlessly happy. Mothering as a job, a career, isn’t a worthless task, it’s paid nothing but worth everything!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy Mother’s Day. The only way you can fail is if you give up trying. Hang in there. You got this! x

Can Mimetic Desire and Limerence exist in friendships?

Mimetic desire refers to the increased value placed on people, places, events and things based on the popularity of said things. For example, a must have pair of shoes you saw your favourite influencer wearing made you want them or attending the restaurant that everyone you know is raving about. When lots of people see value in something, we begin to unconsciously assign value to it as well.

Limerence is usually a romantic concept, whereby a person develops an obsessive crush on another person and their relationship with that person is laced with ambiguity as to the level of reciprocation that exists. While it often refers to someone with a sexual desire for another person, it is possible to form a limerent obsession with someone you actually aren’t physically attracted to or want to form a romantic relationship with. You just unreasonably assign high value to that  person and become obsessed with wanting to attain a relationship with them.

Both concepts can be more susceptible to people who are less sure of themselves and who they are, or who have lower self esteem and seek external validation from others. However, even people who are seemingly confident and capable are not exempt from experiencing these forms of desires and relationships.

I have a close friend who has seemingly developed a limerent crush on a coworker. It started as a deep respect for this person, a great admiration and a desire to be more like her and lead the kind of successful life that she leads. There is no shame in admiring someone, and initially it motivated my friend to apply herself harder, to try to climb the career ladder and reach higher ranks as this person has achieved.

However, before long, my friend started to express some embarrassment about how much she was thinking about this other woman and her confusion about the intrusive thoughts, feelings and actions. If this person was warm then she found herself in a very cheerful positive state, and if this person was cold to her, she felt rejected and disproportionately unhappy.  She found herself buying the same car that this person had recently purchased, and suddenly wanting to eat at the same places or shop at the same stores.

I suppose this is probably where the single white female movie concept arose from, which only added to the deep shame my friend was starting to feel. It is only fair to further explain that my friend identifies as heterosexual and is confident her family would not be supportive if that weren’t the case. Regardless, this seeming crush caused her to question herself uncomfortably and I am willing to bet my gentle teasing about the issue was in no way comforting! Haha

My friend found herself behaving strangely around this person, suddenly self conscious of her body, her tone, if she touched the other woman’s shoulder too much or for too long. When in a car accident she inexplicably called this person first although it wasn’t relevant. It was after work, so she wouldn’t be late to the office and at this stage, they weren’t friends, so my friend could not really explain why she chose to straight away call this woman. She appeared at the top of her call list – because she admitted she seemed to be inventing excuses to call and message this person.

“She is just so cool, calm and collected” my friend explained. “She is beautiful and funny and smart. She is a career woman and has a close connection with her extended family and her husband and children. She has the life I want for myself.” I could see that in some ways my friend saw herself in this person. She already possessed many of the qualities she admired in this woman, she just felt she was lacking in some areas that society values such as physical beauty, a thin physique, 2.4 kids and a dog, and a high ranking and professional title. Mimetic desire is of course the reason “society” values anything. Society decides what we value at times more than we do. I asked my friend if she really wanted a husband and 2.4 children and she admitted that no, not really. But that she would feel more successful if she had it regardless. Case in point.

My friend is persistent and while this woman maintained a professional relationship with her for years, eventually my friend got her to agree to spend some time together outside of work. And since then, quite a strong platonic bond has formed between the pair quite quickly. They have even been on holidays together!

As is often the case with limerence, once the ambiguity is relieved and you can be sure that your feelings for the other person are either reciprocated or rejected, the obsession naturally starts to fade. Which is a positive thing – particularly when you are trying to have a successful personal relationship with someone and this requires a level of respect for their boundaries.

However, that mimetic desire is still lingering around. It’s not all bad though, as now it is more reciprocal. This other woman has expressed interest in joining holidays to destinations my friend has had on her own list that before now didn’t interest this person. When the mimetic desire is more reciprocal, it is another sign that you value each other equally.

Most people would tell you to be wary of a friendship that starts in this way, but from what I can see, it has only increased my friends self-esteem to be accepted by this person and although the limerence has died down by all accounts, and my friend is no longer ashamed of her desire for this friendship, the deep respect and admiration still exists. And isn’t that something we should feel about all our friends in some way?

I certainly have one friend who’s generosity of spirit I admire, while one I admire her natural mothering abilities. I admire this particular friend’s independent spirit and her ability to fix any issues that arise mostly on her own, and despite the fact that I don’t work I admire another friends career driven personality and financial savvy. In some cases we admire in people what we lack in ourselves, and in others, we admire in them qualities we are proud of in ourselves.

And sometimes, we can’t really explain why we desire a certain person or their validation, friendship, love, respect or mutual attraction. We are just drawn to them and maybe that is just our intuition telling us that they would be a good fit, or fulfill an unmet need in our lives in some way shape or form.

So if you feel you are pursuing a friendship a little bit embarrassingly obviously – if the other person doesn’t seem to mind, keep going. There is no shame in going after the things you want. And if you get rejected in the end, the limerence will end then too. You just need to know when to call it quits.

They say we regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did. And I am going to add my friends shameless pursuit of this friendship and ultimate success as something I admire about her. For the record, I concede. It wasn’t a lesbian crush, just a strong desire for a close friendship with someone she admired a lot, and a relationship that has enriched her life in many ways. Certainly nothing to be embarrassed about and certainly not anything like the single white female after all. Thankfully!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx