Mimetic desire refers to the increased value placed on people, places, events and things based on the popularity of said things. For example, a must have pair of shoes you saw your favourite influencer wearing made you want them or attending the restaurant that everyone you know is raving about. When lots of people see value in something, we begin to unconsciously assign value to it as well.
Limerence is usually a romantic concept, whereby a person develops an obsessive crush on another person and their relationship with that person is laced with ambiguity as to the level of reciprocation that exists. While it often refers to someone with a sexual desire for another person, it is possible to form a limerent obsession with someone you actually aren’t physically attracted to or want to form a romantic relationship with. You just unreasonably assign high value to that person and become obsessed with wanting to attain a relationship with them.
Both concepts can be more susceptible to people who are less sure of themselves and who they are, or who have lower self esteem and seek external validation from others. However, even people who are seemingly confident and capable are not exempt from experiencing these forms of desires and relationships.
I have a close friend who has seemingly developed a limerent crush on a coworker. It started as a deep respect for this person, a great admiration and a desire to be more like her and lead the kind of successful life that she leads. There is no shame in admiring someone, and initially it motivated my friend to apply herself harder, to try to climb the career ladder and reach higher ranks as this person has achieved.
However, before long, my friend started to express some embarrassment about how much she was thinking about this other woman and her confusion about the intrusive thoughts, feelings and actions. If this person was warm then she found herself in a very cheerful positive state, and if this person was cold to her, she felt rejected and disproportionately unhappy. She found herself buying the same car that this person had recently purchased, and suddenly wanting to eat at the same places or shop at the same stores.
I suppose this is probably where the single white female movie concept arose from, which only added to the deep shame my friend was starting to feel. It is only fair to further explain that my friend identifies as heterosexual and is confident her family would not be supportive if that weren’t the case. Regardless, this seeming crush caused her to question herself uncomfortably and I am willing to bet my gentle teasing about the issue was in no way comforting! Haha
My friend found herself behaving strangely around this person, suddenly self conscious of her body, her tone, if she touched the other woman’s shoulder too much or for too long. When in a car accident she inexplicably called this person first although it wasn’t relevant. It was after work, so she wouldn’t be late to the office and at this stage, they weren’t friends, so my friend could not really explain why she chose to straight away call this woman. She appeared at the top of her call list – because she admitted she seemed to be inventing excuses to call and message this person.
“She is just so cool, calm and collected” my friend explained. “She is beautiful and funny and smart. She is a career woman and has a close connection with her extended family and her husband and children. She has the life I want for myself.” I could see that in some ways my friend saw herself in this person. She already possessed many of the qualities she admired in this woman, she just felt she was lacking in some areas that society values such as physical beauty, a thin physique, 2.4 kids and a dog, and a high ranking and professional title. Mimetic desire is of course the reason “society” values anything. Society decides what we value at times more than we do. I asked my friend if she really wanted a husband and 2.4 children and she admitted that no, not really. But that she would feel more successful if she had it regardless. Case in point.
My friend is persistent and while this woman maintained a professional relationship with her for years, eventually my friend got her to agree to spend some time together outside of work. And since then, quite a strong platonic bond has formed between the pair quite quickly. They have even been on holidays together!
As is often the case with limerence, once the ambiguity is relieved and you can be sure that your feelings for the other person are either reciprocated or rejected, the obsession naturally starts to fade. Which is a positive thing – particularly when you are trying to have a successful personal relationship with someone and this requires a level of respect for their boundaries.
However, that mimetic desire is still lingering around. It’s not all bad though, as now it is more reciprocal. This other woman has expressed interest in joining holidays to destinations my friend has had on her own list that before now didn’t interest this person. When the mimetic desire is more reciprocal, it is another sign that you value each other equally.
Most people would tell you to be wary of a friendship that starts in this way, but from what I can see, it has only increased my friends self-esteem to be accepted by this person and although the limerence has died down by all accounts, and my friend is no longer ashamed of her desire for this friendship, the deep respect and admiration still exists. And isn’t that something we should feel about all our friends in some way?
I certainly have one friend who’s generosity of spirit I admire, while one I admire her natural mothering abilities. I admire this particular friend’s independent spirit and her ability to fix any issues that arise mostly on her own, and despite the fact that I don’t work I admire another friends career driven personality and financial savvy. In some cases we admire in people what we lack in ourselves, and in others, we admire in them qualities we are proud of in ourselves.
And sometimes, we can’t really explain why we desire a certain person or their validation, friendship, love, respect or mutual attraction. We are just drawn to them and maybe that is just our intuition telling us that they would be a good fit, or fulfill an unmet need in our lives in some way shape or form.
So if you feel you are pursuing a friendship a little bit embarrassingly obviously – if the other person doesn’t seem to mind, keep going. There is no shame in going after the things you want. And if you get rejected in the end, the limerence will end then too. You just need to know when to call it quits.
They say we regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did. And I am going to add my friends shameless pursuit of this friendship and ultimate success as something I admire about her. For the record, I concede. It wasn’t a lesbian crush, just a strong desire for a close friendship with someone she admired a lot, and a relationship that has enriched her life in many ways. Certainly nothing to be embarrassed about and certainly not anything like the single white female after all. Thankfully!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
