Quite a while back I wrote a post pertaining to the experiences of having a people pleasing friend, in particular one with low self esteem, which often goes hand in hand with people pleasing tendencies. A more recent reader made a comment that this sounded a lot like love bombing. I could certainly see the similarities in the 2 situations, and it made me ponder the idea. Can love bombing exist in friendships?
In answer to the question, I’d have to conclude that yes, it can. If I believe friendships to be little more than non romantic relationships, which I do, then that makes them just as susceptible to most of the complexities often more heavily associated with romantic relationships. The main difference in either context, being intent. Which can be tricky to decipher, because you aren’t living inside someone else’s psyche. But there will be signs.
Love bombing, can be described as the use of over generosity, with gifts, money or affection, quite soon after meeting someone. It is said to be a form of coercive control, used to manipulate someone or make them dependent on the love bomber. The ways in which these acts are manipulative can be hard to spot as they are disguised as something positive.
Some examples of love bombing might include cancelling plans together, however gifting you a pamper pack so you can have a nice night in on your own instead, or always paying for lunch, however bringing it up every time you express concerns and making you feel or seem ungrateful. In love bombing it is usually a cycle, whereby they either let you down then make up for it with some sort of grand gesture, or something that is consistent in the beginning, then quickly stops and is followed by put downs. In the latter scenario you may even feel there has been a complete role reversal with yourself now feeling responsible for footing the bill and buying them generous gifts in order to keep them and get them to return to that person they were in the beginning.
While these things can happen in friendships, and both ultimately stem from a fear of abandonment, what we tend to see in friendships is a less variable nature of the giving. Meaning the giving, of attention, affection, gifts, acts of service and experiences, remains consistent throughout the friendship. It is not brought up, lorded over you, or turned against you in order to make you feel guilty. That’s not to say that you wont feel guilty, you probably will, and a good test is to set clear boundaries and see if your friend can respect them. For example paying your own way or taking turns. Or giving them a limit, for example a $20 gifting rule or no more than 2 gifts etc…
Hopefully, in time, as your friend grows more comfortable that you do in fact like them, and they don’t need to try so hard to keep you, their efforts will calm down some. Not all the way though, and this is probably an important distinction, because your friend values generosity as a personality trait of theirs and not a vice to manipulate. Giving without expecting anything in return.
If you still aren’t sure, another useful tool is to look at their other friendships and relationships, and behaviours. Are they a generous tipper for good service? Do they give money to homeless people or charities? Do they also shower other friends with gifts and experiences for birthdays or other celebrations? Do they ever complain to you about feeling used by any of the aforementioned friends?
It might be hard to imagine that someone could be so generous, and I do tend to believe that deep down it does stem from a deep need for validation. A desire to be liked. Finding oneself lacking in other qualities such as confident, fun, outgoing, popular. It can stem from childhood where love was only shown through monetary means – presents in place of presence for example. It could stem from the idea that you invest financially in things and people you value. The intentions are usually pure, and you can usually tell.
That’s not to say it can’t still cross boundaries and blur the lines of controlling behaviour. If you don’t really like the band playing at the concert they want to see, and try to use money as an excuse, it can be hard to argue if they quip that they will purchase the tickets. For this reason, you may need to be more direct in communication with this friend and actually say “no thanks, that doesn’t interest me.” However, because they likely have low self esteem and may feel rejected that you didn’t opt to spend time together, you may add “I’d much rather we just met for coffee next week sometime instead?” To provide subtle reassurance that you do value time with them.
If you happen to be the kind of person who values being treated as royalty, and is more comfortable in a receiving role, and yes, these types of people do tend to be drawn to one another, then the onus will be on you to make sure that you are no taking so much that the other person does feel used and as though you only like them for what they can offer. You aren’t necessarily a bad person for being a taker any more than they are a bad person for being a giver. Perhaps you were raised to believe that your worth to other is only demonstrated by their financial investment. Or perhaps you never felt financially safe and secure or taken care of, therefore this particular breed of love appeals to you. As long as you are giving back in ways that your friend feels seen and valued, it doesn’t have to matter who foots the bill.
One red flag, be it in a friendship or romantic relationship, is if the person in question doesn’t seem to have any other people around them, and only has negative things to say about their past encounters. If they are quick to say people just use them for money, then you notice an over generosity, it is fairly safe to assume your name is going to be added eventually to their history book of users.
At the end of the day, the best advice is to trust your gut, speak up if you’re uncomfortable and set clear boundaries that keep everyone comfortable. Communicate with openness and vulnerability to get to the root cause of a love bombing friend, and if you believe they are genuine, work hard to prove your friendship on its own merits outside of excess. Choose free activities, spend consistent quality time but not too frequent, initiate, demonstrate appropriate levels of attention and affection… just show you care.
If you don’t believe they are genuine, or just feel too triggered or uncomfortable and they refuse to change, this probably isn’t the right fit for you, and that’s ok too.
Have you ever experienced love bombing in friendships? Comment below, submit your story above, or head on over to my Facebook page to share your experiences, I’d love to hear them.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
