Ok, over the past months I have been focusing on attachment theory again and summarizing how they show up as friends, or the problems that can occur in friendships as a result of people’s differing styles. However, this week, I wanted to address the fact that most of us actually have more of a disorganized attachment style. Basically, what that means is that certain people and situations trigger us to be avoidant, while others trigger us to be more needy.
I know I fit into this category, because I can think of some friends who would describe me as anxious and needy, and others who would describe me as avoidant and distant, and even a few who might even call me fairly secure. And it is so interesting to me that all of them are right! Because as I said at the end of last weeks post, avoidant and anxious are opposite sides of the same coin. Yes, they are opposite, but it depends who is flipping the coin as to whether they land us on heads or tails.
I have also observed this in some of my friends. Lets take the ones with whom I tend to be a little bit more needy, for example. This is in direct relation to their need to hold me at a distance. Which makes me insecure, and feel I need to push for more closeness in order to believe that they actually want to stay in my life at all. I often feel like if I stopped initiating, then I would probably stop seeing them at all. This may or may not be true, that’s not the point this week. What is part of the point is that I have witnessed with my own eyes and ears these people chasing recklessly after other friends in their own worlds in the exact same ways that I chase them.
These friends complain to me about behaviours their avoidant friend exhibit, although they seem oblivious to the fact that they often treat me with the same kind of disregard. It’s fascinating to me that they can see it when they are on the receiving end but not from the other side. That said, I must be the same… or maybe worse? Because I write this blog, so I must be aware of it on some level… and I know I do the same thing to the friends who trigger my own avoidant side. But I am no more aware of it when it happens then my avoidant friends are. Because it is all subconscious.
I think it must be triggered when someone likes you more than you like them or vice versa. The friends with whom I have a more equal investment are probably the ones who might describe me as secure. Only when issues arise do we trigger each other one way or the other, but this is minor and infrequent. However, in some other relationships, including friendships, there is sometimes a quiet imbalance and the power tips in favour of the least invested party. This person, regardless of how anxious and needy they may be in other relationships or friendships, automatically assumes the more distant role, which only further triggers the anxiety and insecurity of the more invested party.
That isn’t to say that the avoidant person in the scenario doesn’t like their friend, they probably do – friendships are optional and you’re unlikely to bother maintaining them with people you don’t like. That said, it is always the role of the other to actually maintain the friendship and there have been distinct times when I have wondered if someone likes my friendship more than they like me. That’s a post for next week! Lol
If it weren’t all subconscious, and we were more self aware, these experiences of being triggered into the opposite side of the attachment coin than our usual default – we could probably learn so much about ourselves and our other friends. We could recognize our own needy behaviours and how they may smother someone…. Or they could see how their distant ones may be coming across as cold and uncaring at times. If we could both do this and meet in the middle we may find the very security we seek.
While it seems that this isn’t a likely outcome, because both people actually have the same attachment style, what it does mean, is that we can be very patient and understanding with one another. The avoidant can resist the urge to flee totally, because they know how it feels to be on the opposite side, while the anxious can appreciate the hesitance of the avoidant and understand they are just afraid of getting hurt, and actually do want and need the love and connection they run from.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cx50jdCLupf/
Both parties are responding to fear, and deep down both are actually somewhat emotionally unavailable. Its not deliberate, but on some level, this game of push and pull feels comfortable to them as the inconsistency mimics the relationships they had with caregivers as youngsters. Sometimes rewarding and sometimes cold. Sometimes there for them, sometimes distracted. Never knowing when they were going to feel loved and wanted or like an annoying unwanted burden.
Both parties struggle with boundaries, they may try to assert themselves from time to time, but lack any real consistency that would signal where a hard boundary lies. They cross boundaries easily and frequently, and can both be emotionally extreme at times. Which makes them more susceptible to conflict. One over shares too much too quickly and too easily while the other struggles to share anything vulnerable at all and will quickly retreat if they feel they revealed too much.
The avoidant thinks they want the anxious to go away and leave them alone, yet the minute the anxious threatens to do that, the power shifts and suddenly the avoidant becomes the anxious. So this cycle is hard to break, because they can’t live with each other or without each other.
If you recognize a friendship in your life caught in this cycle, my best advice, other than professional therapy, is to just try to be less extreme. If you’re anxious, don’t try quite so hard, focus on other friends and other hobbies etc…. If you’re avoidant, try harder, make a few invitations, talk about something vulnerable. If you’re adults, communicate about what you need from each other, hear one another, reflect on your own behaviours and the impacts it has on your friend and your friendship, and act accordingly… With love and reassurance that you are working towards the same goal, which is simply to be better friends to each other and remember your friend is your friend, not your parent!
Easier said than done, I know. Best of luck to you all!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
