It might seem impossible, for someone to like your friendship, if in fact, they dislike you, or at least, feel somewhat ambivalent or don’t like you very much, which is more likely. I suppose if they outright couldn’t stand you then the benefit of being your friend would not outweigh their distaste for you. But that is what can make it dangerous you see, because they can argue that they do like you, and even make good points about ways in which this has been demonstrated.
Yet it is possible that someone values your friendship when in fact they don’t really care for you as a person. In my own experiences, this tends to have been because I am reliable. Most people enjoy having that friend in their corner that they know with a degree of certainty will be there for them if called upon. This is truer if that person’s love language happens to be acts of service. Being reliable means that I will do what I say I will do, and being my friend means that I like you enough to try and help you if I can.
I have learned over the years, however to use discretion in what I will agree to, because acts of service is not one of my love languages and often leaves me feeling depleted and used. My love language is quality time, so if all I ever seem to do is run around doing favours for a person who never makes any time for me outside of this, I will quickly become resentful. Therefore the onus is on me to say yes only to things that wont cause me to feel resentful, and this will in some form or another be loosely based on the amount of quality time this friend affords me.
That’s not the only circumstance a person may feel that people like their friendship more than they like themselves. If the person has a useful profession, such as a hairdresser or a mechanic, people may keep you in their circle for the benefits of your services or expertise, often expected at a reduced rate or even free. Alternatively you might be the life of the party, someone people call to go dancing and drinking with, yet you find your name excluded from the dinner party list, or that nobody is there for you when your pet dies.
These are just a few examples that come to mind, I’m sure there are many more, but it highlights the concept that some of our friends probably do value having us as their friends, perhaps more than they value being friends of yours. There is a difference. A friend of mine once showed me a very cryptic carefully worded message she received from someone she had once considered a friend after some tension. It said “We (it was a couple friendship) still consider ourselves to be friends of you and your partner.” What stood out to me, was what wasn’t said, which screamed the loudest. We do not consider you friends of ours. But we would like for you to still consider us friends for our occasional benefit, and because I do not wish to actually say that no, we don’t consider you friends. They valued the friendship, but not the people within it.
Most of the time, we know deep down when this is the case. And maybe, maybe, we all do have friendships that fall into that category too ourselves, which makes it harder to be too judgmental of those who treat us in similar ways. We might understand it, but that doesn’t mean it feels any less bad when it happens to you. Nobody likes the friend who only calls when they want something, regardless of what it is that they want.
I have one friend who only seems to get in touch when she is feeling very low, and another who seems to forget my existence until she needs a babysitter. However it isn’t always as obvious as that. Sometimes it might be a feeling, more than a fact. That friend who never seems to make time for you, although they always seem to say yes if you initiate quality time. Or that friend who asks you to do a lot for them, however makes excuses not to help you half the time. The friend who cancels frequently, but not always, or the friend who you have a great time with but only when they’re single.
I am willing to bet these scenarios are familiar to us all in one way or another. And I am willing to say that nobody enjoys this feeling which is hard to ignore. When it becomes a real issue, is when all your friends seem to treat you in this way, or when a friend who was once close and whom you value a lot, quite suddenly starts to feel as if they belong in this category. If you still believe yourself to be close friends with someone who has decided they actually like your friendship but it’s a shame that involves you, as a person, it can go on for quite a long time before you start to realise that you seem to be giving a lot more than you are getting.
And this is different to last weeks love bombing over generosity, it’s just you supporting your friend like you usually would, but slowly over time, finding that their effort has significantly diminished. If this is the case, as soon as you start noticing this trend, put the brakes on your own effort. There is no point in trying to discuss this with them as they will deny it, even though you feel its truth. They can’t say they don’t like you or you wont still be there for them. You can’t make them invest more, and there’s a good chance they will make excuses coupled with false promises of change. Only for you to hang on longer and ultimately get disappointed again. It’s like platonic gaslighting.
However, if you reduce your effort to match theirs, they’ll notice the shift. And the choice will be theirs to make. If they increase their effort, there is a good chance they became overwhelmed with life, but definitely value you and don’t want to lose you, and recognize their mistake. They may or may not apologise or communicate, but action speaks louder than words regardless. If they either don’t seem to notice or care, you have it on good authority that they are relieved you got the message and stopped trying to push for more closeness.
If this is the case, you have to decide if you are comfortable also having them in your life, from time to time, on friendly enough terms, however not considering them actually an active friend, or if you want to slowly distance yourself by being consistently unavailable for requests until they get the message and the connection fades away.
There is no right or wrong answer to how you handle this, but the quicker you action this plan, and stop pondering why things changed or how to bring it up or fix it, the sooner you will start feeling better. People who value your friendship, more than they value you, aren’t worth the level of emotional turmoil. If you find all of your friendships are like this, ask yourself how you could show up better for people in more deep, vulnerable and authentic ways. Do you initiate? Do you show interest in others? Are you reliable and consistent with your efforts? If your answer is no, changing those things is your action plan.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
