Last week I spoke about my need to be liked exceeding my need to be loved, and the things in my life that had led me down that pathway. Even though it would seem my mother was at the root of much of this, she was always the first to point out that she didn’t like my friends and didn’t think they treated me well or reciprocated my efforts. Isn’t that interesting? We can see when other people do it, but not when we do it ourselves. And those are always the qualities we dislike in others the most.
What else is interesting is that in part, I learned the skills of being a super good friend from my mother, by observing her with her friends. As an adult, I see that friendship wasn’t the only area in my mothers life where she made herself a martyr. Sacrificial should have been her middle name. She would never take the last biscuit, always served herself last and ate whatever was left of the meal she slaved over, and also said yes when it was less convenient. She always paid attention to her friends. She knew what your favourite drink was and she would have it there. She knew your dietary requirements and she would make you a special meal. She knew your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s name and asked about it if it was important to you. She knew what your plans were this week and she would always remember to follow up on it the next time she saw you. If you had a medical condition, she had researched it and wanted to help you. She is a very attentive and caring person.
She tends not to like my friends, because they aren’t like her. They don’t remember the details, and don’t notice if I haven’t shared the details. What I find fascinating is that she doesn’t notice that her own friends are no better. And just like me, the less they offer in return, the more she invests. It could be the time in her life of course. Now my parents are retired, they are very busy social butterflies, but it is wonderful to see this and how happy it makes them. It also gives me hope.
Because in this stage of my life, no amount of effort makes any difference. From 25-65 perhaps, people are simply too busy to invest in friendships. The formula that used to work – being the perfect friend for each person used to guarantee me time with that person, no longer works. When they have a spare minute, I am often still the one person they want around. But they just don’t get many spare moments. And when you have made yourself a professional friend, but nobody is interested in friendship no matter how great it is, you feel a little like Kodak photo printing centres. Superfluous to requirements.
My husband has never understood. He knows that I am social and respects that I need my friends, although he often jokes that they are more important to me than him. I know many people, my friends included wonder if it is because I love women more than men. (I do, but I do not love my friends more than my husband!) It is simply because I am secure in my relationship with him, and I don’t feel like I NEED him, despite my 100% financial dependence. I feel loved. What I need is to feel liked.
It’s not lost on me that my friends cannot meet this need, when the need stems from the fact that I don’t believe I am likeable, because I haven’t given very many people the chance to like me authentically. The ones that do, I value more than the world, but they probably are the friends that have the least time to offer.
Anyway, my point is, that in this stage of my life, my challenge for myself is to be more authentic and surround myself with people who respect and support that. I also have to accept that not everyone will like me, and that will be ok, if I like me. That starts by respecting myself and saying no when I want to, expressing my wants and needs and not overcompensating for being less than them because I am not straight and feeling like it is a blessing anyone would hang out with me at all.
But it also means taking some time to really be more of a friend to myself. To find ways to get validation outside of friends and to find something else I am good at when the demand for good friends is so low in my current demographic. Because actually much of the time I am such a good friend that I make my friends feel like bad friends. Much like my mother, they want to meet my needs and reciprocate, they do love me, but they just don’t have the time for me.
It’s not going to be easy when I have prided myself on this and it is the only thing I really know I excel at. It’s not going to be easy for my friends as I pull back somewhat to focus on myself. As I start asserting better boundaries and doing what I want to do instead of what they want me to do or what I have always done. It will feel to them that I am changing when really, for the first time I am being honest. In the past I was somewhat trying to control or manipulate them into being my friend, making myself valuable for them, and never asking them to be valuable to me in return.
Now I have to trust them, trust myself, and see what wonderful beautiful things unfold. See if I can find true happiness and exist because I stopped putting myself in the supporting role and stepped into the light, into my power, into myself. I don’t know much about myself, to be honest. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t been able to show my friends who I am. I have been so busy being who I am not or who I think they wanted me to be. But I look forward to finding out, even if it means I have to walk alone.
Friends are important to your happiness, and my friends do and will continue to contribute to my happiness, but if you make them responsible for your happiness, you wont be happy for long. Take it from me.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
