On Mother’s Day this year, we also celebrated my brother’s birthday. It wasn’t his birthday that day, to be clear, it was 2 weeks after mothers day or so, but my mum asked my brother if he would prefer to combine the celebrations. He conceded that this seemed like a good plan, rather than do another family gathering just weeks later, and said if I wasn’t organized for a gift, not to worry too much as he wasn’t bothered. This annoyed me somewhat as I had already messaged him a month or so at least before that to tell him that his awesome birthday gift had just arrived and I couldn’t wait to give it to him! Haha (He is a massive Star Trek fan and I had bought him the uniform hoodie, and he did love it, and put it on immediately!)
Anyway, this wasn’t exactly new, as we have from time to time celebrated my brother’s birthday on Mother’s day. I think the last time we did so because it was more convenient for my mother. This is important, because it seems that it is ok for her to make that decision herself, however when my brother made it, she felt hurt.
Naturally, as my children are still not adults and live under my roof, I do see them on their birthdays and I do quietly agree with my mother that it is somewhat my celebration as much as theirs, as I was the vessel through which they made their way into this world! So I cannot say I would not also be hurt in the future when my children inevitably prefer to see friends and lovers on their birthdays instead of their birthgiver! I have no doubt I will also feel a bit sorry for myself and I hope my mother is understanding and forgiving when I complain to her instead of remining me of all the times I did the same and reminding me of this article. But it proves my point is all mum! Love you!
So what point is it that I am trying to prove? After my brothers actual birthday, he called our father to check in after dad had some minor surgery. During the conversation my brother disclosed that him and his wife and children had gone out to an expensive restaurant to celebrate his birthday. My mother said it was a good thing he told my father and not her directly or she may not have been able to hold her tongue about feeling unchosen and edged out of his life.
I completely understand my mums thoughts and feelings on that and her feelings are valid. The danger lies in telling yourself that because how you feel is valid, that your thoughts are true. My brother thought we had already celebrated his birthday, which we had, and so he felt free to do a thing with his immediate family on the day. I am not sure what mum expected him to do exactly? Just tell his wife and children not to mention or celebrate his birthday at all? Of course they wanted to celebrate him, and I am thrilled that they did!
When you look at it from a further distance, had we all been celebrating he would have felt obliged to suggest a less expensive restaurant, incase we couldn’t or didn’t want to spend that much celebrating his birthday. He would have had to make it at a time convenient for 10 to 12 people instead of just 4. He would maybe have had to invite people he didn’t particularly want there, like inlaws for example, and then they couldn’t just leave when they were ready. It becomes a big thing when you include other people! It definitely isn’t because he would rather not see his mother on his birthday. Which is definitely the story my mother is telling herself and it is making her feel sad.
Of course it is making you feel sad, but when you stop and realise it isn’t about you, and it isn’t the narrative you are assuming, it is much easier to swallow. Plus, I have to ask myself why she made the suggestion in the first place if she wasn’t really ok with him not celebrating his birthday with all of us? Was this a test he failed to reassure her that he prefers and chooses her? That’s not a kind gesture, and sets him up to fail. It also sets her up to confirm her worst fears too.
The final truth of the matter is that my brothers family like that restaurant and they wanted to go there, and his birthday was just an excuse to do that. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. And when you take all the emotion out of it, that is what you are left with.
So at least mum and I can agree that it was better that my brother spoke to my father that day, because she is emotionally reactive. So am I, I guess I get it from her! But I am learning to be better, and I hope she is too. Because it is ok for her to feel hurt and pushed out of his life, and it is ok if that feels true to her. But there is no point trying to push that narrative onto my brother, who, to be fair, would only deny it even if it were true. But if that is what my mum truly felt, pushed out of his life, why not milk every excuse to be in it and not offer in the first place to step aside? Why not be honest and say “yes I do want to see you on your birthday, you are my son, I gave birth to you, this is our celebration together.” Instead of pretending to be nonchalant about it then getting hurt.
My brother was 48 this year. He doesn’t care who he saw or didn’t see, it’s just another day for him, but I know he would never intend to hurt my mother either. I know mum wont say any of this to him, in time her feelings will pass, but I hope she stops continuing to look for evidence that he doesn’t care and starts looking for evidence that he does. Because she will find that too, plenty of it. These feelings will pass, and the reactions we didn’t have we can’t regret, but if she doesn’t change the story she is telling herself in her head, the feelings will keep coming back and the reactivity will be harder to resist. It might be more honest, helpful and vulnerable to ask “why did you choose not to see us for your birthday?” And let him explain the logistical reasons I listed above, than to immediately say “You don’t care about me, you just want me gone from your life. You can’t even see me on your birthday and I gave birth to you” for example. (Mum did not say any of that.)
Emotional reactivity is detrimental to our relationships, family, romantic, colleague or friend. We must let ourselves feel and then let ourselves think clearly before we burn bridges. So just try and look at the bigger picture before you react. Communication is entirely different from emotional reactivity, ask the questions and be willing to hear and accept the answers. Don’t ask until you’re calm enough to hear and accept that it wasn’t about you and it isn’t what you assumed. Which means being vulnerable, taking time to respond and not react and questioning your feelings and the stories in your mind. Those are your insecurities and fears, don’t let them drive you if you want your relationships to survive.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
