A few weeks ago, Facebook had some sort of glitch that sent unprompted friend requests to people without your permission if you so much as clicked on their profile picture. For those of you who struggle with stalking exes and people from your past, crushes, and haters, this was bad news. Now that person you were stalking would be informed that you were creeping! Cringe. I wasn’t too worried though, as that isn’t really something I tend to do. So if that was you, and you got sprung, the good news is that you probably have a good healthy sense of whole object relations and object constancy! Go you!
So, what are whole object relations and object constancy? According to this article on Psychology Today, “whole object relations means an ability to form an integrated realistic and relatively stable image of oneself and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects, and also strengths and flaws.”
While this article from Psych Central describes Object Constancy as “the ability to retain a bond with the other person – even if you find yourself upset, angry or disappointed by their actions.”
Both skills develop in childhood after we learn object permanence, which is described on WEBMD as “understanding that people and items still exist even when you can’t see or hear them.” So babies like playing peek a boo because they genuinely think your face disappears when they can no longer see it, and it is both magical and a relief when it reappears.
I know all of you have object permanence in that sense. You know if your best friend doesn’t come to your house every morning that they still exist and that they have probably gone to work or school or are in bed sleeping. However, if you lack object constancy, long breaks from communication can lead you to feel uncared for if you don’t hear from them, and this can taint your ability to feel connected to them and like they are still your friend.
People who struggle with these issues typically have a more black and white thinking structure, (who me? Never?) and when people hurt us, it can be hard for us to stay connected to them. That might be because they betrayed us in some way and broke our hearts and trust, or just that they moved jobs and lost touch. Either one may lead to the black and white conclusion that the person doesn’t care for you and is a bad person/friend. Once that split in thinking has occurred, somehow it is easy for us to just go about pretending that person never existed and we don’t feel the need to check up on them as we don’t generally think about them at all. Perhaps as a defense mechanism because thinking of them elicits pain or also, because we lack stable self image too, seeing or thinking of them can illicit feelings of failure and shame... All things we would rather avoid thank you very much.
https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/257127459958785919/
So if you were caught out stalking someone from your past in the Facebook glitch, chances are, despite the circumstances, pain, distance or feelings between you and them, you probably remember some of their good traits too, the good times and feel stable enough in yourself to feel fine if they have moved on without you for example, looking at them isn’t triggering for you. This is a positive thing!
What made this come up for me recently was my post on feeling unchosen. Because I was able to reflect that the first time that happened to me, I lost object constancy and whole object relations, and forgot all the positives about the friend I cut out of my life. Suddenly all I could grasp were the negative things about her, about our friendship, about her life and her choices… and equally all I could remember were my own virtuous moments. While I don’t regret that friendship ending, I am surprised by the evidence of this split in thinking and the ways in which I saw my friend instantly and irrevocably changed. I can think of at least one other instance in which this split in thinking has occurred, but in that instance I can’t really think of too many ways in which I failed that friend, whereas with the former I failed her many times in many ways too. And she never split on me really and judged me based on my failings as I had done that final time before I discarded her. Was my split in thinking because feeling unchosen was making me have to face some ugly truths that perhaps there were genuine reasons why I wasn’t the best and obvious choice? Was I reacting emotionally and discarding her before she got a chance to slowly and painfully discard me by replacing me with my ex and his new wife? Looking back, maybe. And maybe that is why I had to hold on to the negatives and convince myself that this was not a good fit and never had been.
I want to be clear that the negatives I remember were real, and I honestly believe we weren’t good for each other. But there were good times, positive memories and I did choose her for many years so there was reason for that. And, as I said, there were plenty of ways in which I was negative for her too, probably didn’t always choose her, although I was adamant I had at the time and this was an unacceptable betrayal of loyalty. Who ends a 30 year friendship over a few get togethers without an invite? People who lack whole object relations and object constancy, that’s who. (And yes, people who were maybe looking for an exit to begin with?)
But the good news is, once you are aware of this tendency, you can learn to change it. So this time when my name didn’t make that invite list, I was able to remind myself of all the positive qualities about my friend, about our time together, and about how much I do still want and value her in my life, even if I did find her choice on this occasion somewhat hurtful to my pride. I was able to see the bigger picture, and remove myself from emotional reactivity. I was able to maintain a positive stable image of my friend despite her perceived error in judgement against me, and maintain a positive stable image of myself and knowing it wasn’t actually about me at all, and that she still loves and values me.
https://triggeryourtrip.com/emotional-path/emotional-permanence/
It’s a struggle and a journey for us all. But if you are still learning like me, at least you weren’t caught out stalking any exes. Because the way we are, when people are out of sight, that often means they are out of mind too, and we assume that is mutual! I suppose maybe there is a silver lining to every cloud.
This one goes out to my stalker! Haha I know your secret, and it’s very flattering that you still think of me!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
