Feeling Unchosen Sucks!
I have detailed in the past about a situation that arose whereby someone I considered a best friend had a dinner party, before which she sat me down and explained that she felt terrible, but that I wouldn’t be invited as my ex fiancé and his new wife were attending and it was going to be in everyone’s best interests that I not be there. Blindsided by that proverbial slap in the face, I politely agreed that I would prefer not to attend with them, and absolved her of her guilt. I cried all the way home when I left her house though, struggling to understand what had just happened.
I believed my friend when she said she felt terrible, and I knew that was why she had sat me down and tried to talk it through. Otherwise there was a good chance I never would have even known about said dinner party anyway, but rather than risk having me find out some other way, she felt the best and right thing to do was to be honest about it and explain it away. I reasoned that she wasn’t wrong, I would prefer not to socialize with my ex fiancé and his new wife. (For fairness I should probably clarify that I was the one who ended the engagement, in favour of exploring my sexuality, and that he was a respectable, nice, down to earth guy. After me, he happened to date and marry someone else within my wider friendship circle. This person and I were not directly friends, but we had mutual friends, and there had always been a sense of unease between us, as I had always felt she wanted what I had, first my best friends, then my ex.)
Anyway, no matter how hard I tried to understand and justify that my friend had every right to invite or not invite whomever she pleased to her dinner parties, and that I had always known she socialized with a group including my ex and his new wife, I couldn’t make it stop hurting. The crux of the matter was that I felt she was choosing him over me. (I blasted Tiffany’s “should’ve been me” on repeat in the car, although the concept of the song was a romantic pairing, the chorus sentiment was the same!) I never asked her to choose, of course, that would be wrong. As I said, I knew she travelled in circles with the ex, and attended parties with that group to which I was not a member. It just never occurred to me that she would be expected in turn to host, and that I would be excluded. I sat her down and explained to her in what I remember as one of the most emotional conversations of my life how hurt and betrayed and confused I had felt, and she said she understood, never wanted me to feel that way and would not put me in that position again.
I thought that meant she would invite me in future, but what she really meant was that she just wouldn’t inform me of my exclusion in future. When I found out, my heart broke and I did not handle the situation with maturity or grace or forethought. I wrote a scathing email detailing how I had been wronged, I had never wronged her (in that manner, in other ways, I had indeed wronged her in harmful ways) and I ended a 30 year friendship. I don’t regret losing that friendship, it was toxic to us both and it is for the best that we no longer associate. However, I deeply regret the ways I handled the whole thing, it was reactive and unnecessary and over 10 years later, I see that I made it about me when it wasn’t, and although I had always said I didn’t make her choose between him and I, in effect, I was asking her to choose and the minute the choice wasn’t me, I made that choice final.
I learned a lot from that situation, I felt, and although it was painful, it was necessary for personal growth and reflection, and how to be better in the future. Not that I ever expected to be in that position again…. Until I was. The situation this time was a little different, because instead of an ex fiancé, the person was an ex friend.
However, once again there was a gathering to which I was not invited in favour of someone else, and I felt the sting of being unchosen. And I felt it just as fiercely as I had the first time! Again I felt blindsided and again I felt hurt, angry and unchosen.
This time, however, I had the chance to reflect back, and know that it isn’t about me. That if I am committed to not making people choose between myself and someone who prefers not to associate with me, I have to accept that there is not just one choice. That life is full of choices, and that sometimes it wont be me, and that has to be ok. To acknowledge all the times that I am chosen, which is frequently, and all the ways that I know my friend shows me love and care. That it isn’t that they prefer the other person, but it also isn’t their fault that me and someone else don’t get along for whatever reason. I was the one who fell out with them, and the consequences of that are mine, and that of the other party. Sometimes there is a seat at the table for me, and sometimes I have to graciously stay home so the other person can take that seat.
I don’t believe any of the people I have fallen on bad terms with are bad people, or deserve to be unchosen any more than I believe I am a bad person who deserves to be unchosen. So this time, I am pleased to say that I did handle myself with grace and maturity. I recognize that it is ok, normal even, to feel the sting of exclusion, but that I don’t have to act on that feeling. It feels better to act in compassionate ways towards my ex friend who is going through a period of change in her life and could probably use the support and good times more than me right now. To choose to believe my friend who is hosting, will always make room for me at her table when it matters, and when I need it most, and to just remember, this is not about me.
That’s not to say I didn’t express my hurt feelings, I did, and I gave my friend the room to validate that she understood the root cause of my distress, but then I acknowledged that it was only my ego that hurt, not my heart, and my ego will recover.
Next time you feel upset or angry or hurt, I encourage you to take the time to explore that feeling. Take a moment to really indulge in the feelings as they aren’t wrong, so just let them sit, before you respond to them or act on them. Hopefully some time will let some perspective permeate. For me, it meant separating “I feel hurt from being excluded” from “my friend hurt me by excluding me.” Feeling hurt does not mean somebody hurt me. Feeling unchosen once does not mean someone doesn’t choose me.
It might sound like mental gymnastics, but the narratives we tell ourselves matter, and our feelings change based on them. So I choose to remind myself that my friend loves me, she also loves my ex friend, and that is a beautiful powerful thing we are both lucky to embrace because she has enough love for us both even when we no longer have enough for each other. Now it is my turn to gracefully return to her the love, forgiveness and understanding she has bestowed upon me for years and I know this time instead of tearing us apart, it can grow us closer together. And the choice was always mine to make. Choose wisely when feeling unchosen!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
