You probably had a best friend in kindy when you were 4 years old. That person is probably not your best friend today. Neither is your year 7 best friend, nor your secondary school bestie, or your bestie from your first job. Because we grow and change and evolve and our friendships have to do the same.
It’s no longer enough that you both like Mario to keep you close, but that doesn’t mean you are no longer friends either. If you are lucky, some of the best friends you have had along the way are very much still friends. Just the best bit has mutually fallen from your language as you both understand the closeness you once shared has naturally dissipated as you gravitated towards other people with more in common, or more availability.
It usually doesn’t even mean that you like your old bestie any less than you did before, they are still awesome and still make you laugh or know just what you need to hear because they have known you forever and they get you at a core level sometimes. This is what pulls us back to our past, the strong connections we formed as youngsters full of innocent acceptance, trust and curiosity.
However sometimes, the dropping of the word best from the friendship title isn’t exactly mutual. And it can feel like pressure, or make you feel terribly guilty when a friend calls you their best friend when the sentiment is no longer reciprocated. Should you tell them? Is it wrong to go along with the pretense that you are still best friends when that is not authentically how you feel? Do they hold unreasonable expectations you cannot fill based on this high ranking friendship status? Should you tell them if you feel “best friends” is a term children use and you don’t believe in such a ranking system as an adult?
Actually, I don’t advise it. When someone calls you their best friend, they are describing your position in their life. You do not need to reciprocate, but if this person is your friend, it seems cruel and unnecessary to point out that you feel their values on this are childish or that you stopped being best friends long ago.
Think about your friendship. If your friend still refers to you as a best friend, they are saying they value your friendship just the way it is. They are not necessarily expecting any more from you than you are already offering and out of all the friends they have, perhaps they still like or value you the most. You are allowed to feel good about that and understand this terminology is used to express their gratitude and feelings of love towards you, not to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable.
And let’s not forget that this isn’t even always about you. Some people use the term best friend to describe one hierarchical pairing, while others use the term as a catch all for all their close friends. I know many people who will still say “Leila, my best friend from Kindy” although it is unclear if Leila is still their best friend, or was only their best friend in Kindy, it really doesn’t matter.
If you enjoy your friendship with someone who calls you a best friend, then I say, keep on enjoying it. What’s the harm? I know not correcting them can feel like a lie or an omission, but that is only true if you consider that a best friendship needs to be reciprocal and not a label that they get to decide where you fall in their life, not you.
Sure, you don’t have to sign their next birthday card “with love from your bestie” but it doesn’t hurt to focus on what positives you do feel, such as that you are grateful for their friendship! If you aren’t sure what to say when it comes up in conversation, like when Jane says “Karen, I am so glad you are my best friend!” Instead of saying thank you, you can reciprocate without using such strong language and say “I’m so glad too that we have stayed close over the years, your friendship is meaningful to me too. Thank you.”
If you don’t want to hurt your friend and the friendship, I think the answer is not to bring it up and just pat yourself on the back for being such an awesome friend!
But if that advice really really doesn’t sit well with you and you feel a pressing need to address the issue, please be gentle. Because it could feel like a rejection which, if you are still friends, it shouldn’t be. Nor should it feel like an accusation of immaturity. So you could try saying that you have so many wonderful friends these days you became conflicted and dropped the word best. Or that you read an article that said the word best in relation to friendships is exclusionary and makes your other non-best friends feel badly about their lesser ranked connection with you, so out of courtesy for everyone you no longer feel comfortable labelling any connections that way.
But what if you do have another best friend, that you do call your best friend, and it isn’t the friend who is calling you their best friend? I think if you have to say anything, perhaps humour is the way to go. You could say “don’t let Mike hear you call me your best friend, I don’t want any fist fights over me thanks! Haha” This implies that you are using this terminology with Mike, or at least Mike is using it with you. If your friend pushes for more info on how you feel, you can just shrug and say it depends on your mood and how cursed you are to have such wonderful friends to choose from!
Whatever you decide to do, just keep on being the best friend you can be to every friend you have!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
