A few weeks back we discussed changes, before our broadcast was interrupted by Halloween! So getting back onto the topic, I wanted to revisit divorce. Divorce is another major change in a person’s life. Sadly, it is pretty common to lose friends when you go through a divorce. Couple friends may treat you like you are cursed with some disease they don’t want to catch, or just prefer to hang out with other couples, which you are no longer. Or you might have found that somehow all of your spouse’s friends had become your friends and suddenly loyalty reminds you of whose friends they really were.
It’s not all bad news, because often fresh divorcees are ready and willing to explore themselves, rediscover and recreate their identity and with that often comes new people. It can be a confronting but exciting time all at once. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change the dynamics of your social circle and test the loyalties and boundaries you always thought you knew.
Someone in my outer circle; a friend of a friend, has recently ended a 25 year marriage. Her husband felt it was time as the youngest child approaches 18, which is legally an adult here in Australia. The shock hit hard for the wife though. She hadn’t seen it coming while he was implying that he had known for a long time and was merely waiting it out for the kids sakes, while she thought they were happy and planning retirement together. This kind of shock can lead you to question yourself at your core and it is really when you need your friends the most to remind you who you are and that you are good enough.
So my friend’s friend was doubly shocked when her bestie of many years asked “would it be ok if I contact Mr Ex?” Wow. Her friend stated that she had always liked hubby and that she would miss the awesome foursome they had built over the years hanging out with their partners together. To say it stung was an understatement. Never in a million years was wifey expecting this from bestie. She just couldn’t seem to understand.
When wifey complained that Mr Ex wanted to sell the family home from under her, and that he was already hitting the gym and on dating apps, bestie simply said good on him, and advised wifey to do the same, to get on with her life. When wifey complained the kids may live with Mr Ex as he could afford the house and she’d have to move in with her mother, bestie said it was better that she wasn’t alone and the kids were soon to be adults anyway.
Bestie just wasn’t able to show the expected compassion and empathy, and wifey to be honest felt betrayed by the idea that bestie would contact Mr Ex, although she was mature enough not to say so aloud. It seemed as if everyone was on his side, if there were sides and nobody understood her.
That was, at least, until she had a catch up with 2 old friends that were also divorced! Suddenly she felt closer to these old friends she had kind of lost touch with than her best friend of 30 years. But it wasn’t lost on her that she had lost touch with them BECAUSE they were divorced and she probably hadn’t been as understanding and empathetic as they had needed at the time.
The truth is, nobody can really understand what you are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Divorce is one of these life altering changes that blows up everything you thought you knew, and throws you into an alternate reality, forcing you to perhaps see what was always there, but unacknowledged.
Wifey’s expectations of her best friend may not have been realistic. They tended to be surface level, lots of fun and laughter and good times. It was assumed based on constant and consistent time and enjoyment together that this bond would flourish further in hard times, but that simply wasn’t the case. Bestie had also been partnered for a very long time and had never really suffered a heartbreak on this level. Having no kids herself, meant she was unable to relate to the struggles of a single parent going through said heartbreak and trying to keep it together for the kids. And if wifey is a good friend, despite it all, she will forgive her friend and hope she never does understand.
The new connections formed with the other divorced women felt natural and fast. They were able to offer advice about lawyers and finances and dating apps! They shared similar tales and the ways they had coped when they went through it. And they taught wifey some grace. As she apologized to them for not being a good friend when they themselves had suffered as she was now, and explained she obviously just didn’t get it.
Looking at each other and smiling, her 2 new confidants each took one of her hands and told her it was ok. They understood that she couldn’t know what it was like, they didn’t expect her to know and they were sorry that the reconciliation as such was under these circumstances. That they forgave her for not knowing what to say, and for finding it easier to ignore the problem and continue on with her own life blissfully unaware.
So although wifey has been disappointed with the reaction of her best friend, and she knows some more distance will naturally grow there now, she is able to be forgiving and understanding that her friend is not in a place to empathize with her. That she thinks practically not emotionally and always has. That her expectations were not in line with reality.
But that it is ok. Life changes, people change, friendships change. Maybe one day they will be close again, either when wifey is more settled, or when bestie is less settled. It doesn’t have to be sad and bitter. Change brings about some pain, but inevitably it also always brings about some good too. Wifey has finally decided to embrace it, embrace her new friends, and put herself out there again on the apps, for friendship, or something more!
Divorce can divide more than a marriage, but you can decide what the end result of the equation will be. It might change or end some friendships, but it also might bring you some great new or renewed ones. Sometimes you’re surprised by who is really there for you and who isn’t. Just follow your heart and go where the love is.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
