Why is my friend pushing me away?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of this, right? When a friend starts creating distance between you, without actually telling you why. They start cancelling plans, avoiding you in social situations, taking longer to respond to texts and not answering the phone when you call. Sometimes it starts so subtly you hardly even notice until the chasm is already quite large, but if you are intuitive like me, you can probably feel this change in attitude towards you almost immediately.

It's pretty normal, I feel, to start replaying your last interactions in your mind. Re-reading texts and messages, scrolling through interactions on social media and looking for clues that might enlighten you as to what it was that you said that upset them. The reason we do this, I suppose is because this sudden distance feels like punishment, and as such, we look for reasons we are being punished. That’s logical.

Sadly, it’s highly unlikely that you will find any logical explanation, because this act is typically driven by emotion, not logic. The good news, if you can call it such, is that this probably has very little to do with you, or anything you said or did…. Or even did not say or do! The likeliest outcome is that something has shifted for your friend, and as a result, the amount of time and energy they have to devote to you has also shifted.

So, if, and probably when, you reach out demanding answers, it wont be a lie when your friend reassures you that you are still friends and that nothing has changed. It will feel like a lie of course, because you have felt a change and they are denying it. But what they mean, is that they don’t like you any less, or consider you any less of a friend, but their prioroties have shifted and friendship has fallen to a lower ranking.

Painfully, you may argue, that friendship has not lowered in priority, just your friendship! This is likely the case if you can see your friend on social media with their other friends while you suffer the exclusion in humilliating silence. But what I am trying to offer, is that there may be reasons for this that are not about you. It could well be that they met some new friends who seem to have more in common with them or meet needs that you can’t.

But it could also be that they are going through something personal, and either they don’t want to share, don’t feel they can share, or their coping method is simply withdrawal. I’m pretty sure you’re a good friend and you want them to share, you want to be there for them, and you want them to let you in, because this feels like an important part of the friendship script, right? Except that is about you and what you want and the role you see yourself in. This, however, is not about you and is not your choice. You can offer to be there if they need or want you around, but you cannot force them to want it.

That is the most probable scenario, however it would be remiss of me to deny the possibility that you have in some way upset your friend, and they have been looking for ways to get away from you or end the friendship. It is highly likely that you are completely unaware of upsetting behaviours of yours, as your friend has felt unable or unwilling to disclose that these are causing a problem for them. Examples may include gossiping, not listening attentively, talking about yourself too much, using or taking advantage of your friend in some way, or making an offhand comment that you did not realise was damaging or offensive to your friend.

Your friend has not given you the opportunity to address this and make changes. Perhaps they feel that you cannot change, or will not change, or do not feel it is even the place of a friend to request changes. For whatever reason, they have instead chosen to create distance and look for ways out of the friendship. Honestly, wouldn’t you rather have friends who look for reasons to continue to be your friend and make it work? To be with people who communicate directly and clearly?

The thing is, that they are communicating with you. They are indirectly requesting space from you, and actually, they don’t owe you a reason as to why. Maybe it would be nice to have one, but 9 times out of 10, it actually isn’t helpful. Being pushed away feels like a rejection, because it is. So it is normal to respond to a rejection with defensiveness, even if it is unhelpful.

The truth of the matter is, your friend is pushing you away because they want you to go away. Maybe forever, or maybe just for a bit, and the onus is on you to hear this in what they are not saying and respond with graciousness and maturity. Which means trying to give them the space they are requesting, not over thinking it, focussing on your own life for a while and allowing them to contact you as much or as little as they like.

It may mean checking in with them with a friendly text once a month, without demands or requests to let them know you are thinking of them, or it may mean not reaching out but responding with warmth if and when they do. It means not making demands for time and attention, not asking for answers or trying to force things to going back to the way they were before.

It means being secure in yourself, knowing you are a great friend with much to offer, and accepting that people get to choose. It means being ok with it if that choice isn’t you anymore. It means being grateful for all the times you have shared, and perhaps holding hope that in time, they will come back to you. It means wishing them well in the meantime and respecting the boundary they are enforcing without ever knowing why.

Just know that holding hope is not the same as holding on to someone who is asking you to let them go. Holding hope, holding space and forgiveness for them in your heart if they ever choose you again, is not the same as pining for someone. Move on. They are. If it is meant to be, in time, it will be again. If it isn’t, it has filled it’s purpose and that chapter has come to a close. But your book has not.

This approach takes a lot of maturity, patience, forgiveness, and understanding….. and does require you to try not to make this about you, when it feels very personal indeed. It is NOT easy. But it is the path I recommend. For everyone involved. I know these situations tend to feel urgent, but they aren’t. It doesn’t have to continue as it was or end forever. Allow some space for the grey until clarity returns. When it does, you will know the outcome one way or the other, but it wont matter as much anymore.

If your friend is pushing you away, it is time to go, for a while, for now. Stop worrying about it, googling it and stressing yourself. Practise self care, and go have some fun, with other friends, family or solo. What will be will be. Google can’t change it. Sorry. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it is true….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When there is too much tea for two!!

Recently I have posted a fair bit about change and the ways that small changes to our own personal lives and circumstances impact our friendships and how even the smallest changes can actually have widespread social consequences. This is largely unintentional, but true none the less. This week I wanted to talk about what happens when the dynamic between 2 friends shifts as a result of a change.

I witnessed this happen when a friend of mine described a catch up between herself and an old friend. The 2 had worked together for many years, and for most of that time, my friend was in a less than ideal romantic situation. So my friend spent many hours at the office photocopier with her coworker disclosing the latest dramas and crying over things that were not worth her tears. Her friend was older, and wiser, more settled and happily exploring  the new territory that comes with being a grandparent! She seemed like the perfect soft place for my friend to fall and was always there for support, guidance and advice.

However, eventually my friend found freedom from the toxic ex, and found new love. The happy, peaceful, reciprocated kind that flows smoothly and gains rapid forward momentum, and what seemed like a more natural distance started creeping into their friendship, as my friend had less to share over the photocopier and there wasn’t too much common ground between them. This gap only widened when my friend changed jobs and the photocopier as a place of exchange was completely removed.

That’s not to say they didn’t keep in touch. Impressively, and pleasingly, they did, which anyone who has shifted jobs before knows is not always the case. They still liked and valued one another, despite the lack of common ground, and wanted to maintain their closeness. However, the terrain started shifting fairly rapidly when my friend’s friend found herself in a dramatic romantic pairing at the same time that my friend started settling down into domestic bliss with her new partner.

Although my friend had never seen the dynamic as heavily one sided before, perhaps that was because the tea was all flowing from her pot, while her friend’s cup was always full with the latest dramatic episode. In other words, my friend did most of the talking and her friend did most of the listening! Not that it is realistic to believe sharing should be, or will ever be exactly 50 50, as my friend was always conscious to ask after the grandkids and make space for her friend in the conversation, however it had never dawned on her that these interactions were much shorter; a kind of after thought as they closed conversation over the photocopier and returned to their desks.

Now, things had changed and my friend noticed on their most recent catch up, that she had things she felt were exciting happening in her life that she had hoped to share, however her friend seemed to be the one pouring all the tea this time, and my friend’s cup was literally overflowing and could not keep up with the conversation. My friend’s friend desperately needed to share her own dramatic excapades, and, while interesting enough, my friend did not have the same level of interest or patience for these stories as her friend had shown her over the photocopier years earlier.

What goes around comes around, time to pay up!

Her cup may have not been quite so full, had she had the chance to pour a little back into the conversation and share about herself, but her friend was simply in no space to hear positive news. It wouldn’t be fair to paint her as a foul weather friend, someone only interested in your negative dramas, it’s just that she had her own, and negative dramas have this pressing heaviness. They need to be shared more urgently than positive news. And, if you have a friend who is struggling, perhaps it may even seem socially insensitive to go boasting about your own life?

So, as a result, my friend never found the opening to share her news, and she left the catch up somewhat uninspired and unsatisfied with the new dynamic. It felt unbalanced and uncomfortable, although she was able to acknowledge perhaps her friend had felt similarly over the years and it was her turn to be patient and stable and offer support and guidance.

It’s just that human’s don’t always adjust well to change, especially changes like these. Or, for example, when parents start needing care or acting like children and the roles shift, it feels unsettling, strange, and we crave the stability and safety of the way things were. That said, most of the time, these changes are here for the foreseeable future and we just have to navigate them.

My friend lives in hope that her friend will eventually come to find her way forward from the dark drama encapsulating her now, and that they will be able to shift the foundations again when neither has a flurry of negative news to share, however as she discussed it with me, I wondered if this is the exact nature of unequal friendships. How much you feel heard and seen directly relates to how close you feel to a certain friend. But how much they feel seen and heard also directly relates to how close they feel to you in return? Of course, sometimes how much, and how vulnerably someone shares with you also helps you feel closer to them, however I have to wonder if that is symbolic. Like, “this person trusts me enough to share this deeply personal news, they must like me and trust me. So I like them in return.”

Regardless, if someone ever says to you that they feel you are their closest friend, and it leaves you scratching your head, this might be why! It may be that the person in question finds you easy to talk  to and share openly with…. The question is, why don’t you feel similarly? Do they listen to you? Do you feel comfortable sharing with them? Do they ask about you, show interest and hold space for you in conversation? If not….. the dissonance is likely to remain.

When you are spilling the tea with your friends, make sure you are both given the opportunity to pour, which is speaking, and drink, which is listening, or someone is going to get burnt!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What does moving on really mean?

Sometimes even the best or strongest friendships end. As painful as it is, we are left with no choice but to face facts, come to terms with the loss, and move on. But what does that even mean…. Moving on? How do you move on? How do you know when you have finished moving on and landed in moved on?

Moving on will be an organic process, but that doesn’t mean you wont have to work at it, nor does it mean that it will be a painless process. Because before you can move on, first you have to see yourself through the grieving process. During this initial phase, it is perfectly normal to think about your ex friend, to wonder what went wrong and if there were things you could have done to change things.

After that, for a while, it is normal to feel angry and hurt and sad. Songs or smells or places might easily provoke memories, and these memories will probably be painful. You may or may not reach a stage where you try to reach out to your ex friend to reconcile, but even if you don’t, many people contemplate and entertain conversations that they may never even have.

Eventually, at the end of the grief process you arrive at acceptance. When you reach acceptance, memories have switched to something that maybe make you smile. You are able to look back at what you shared with a sense of gratefulness and just feel happy that you did meet and share a special connection for a time. When your mind wonders over where they are now and what they are doing with their life, you hope that they are well and happy, even although you are no longer around to be a part of their happiness.

The process of moving on starts, after this phase of acceptance has been reached. This is the phase in which you start filling your life and your time with new people and new memories. It might be a time when you focus on yourself and your wellness, health and hobbies. You might throw yourself into work, volunteering at the kids school or training for a marathon. Because when you start to move on, your focus is on yourself, your goals and the things you can control.

So, do you have to replace your friend to say you have finally moved on? In a way, yes, I suppose you do. If that friend was your plus one, finding someone else to fill that void will be important for your quality of life. But friendships are as unique as the 2 people in them, so you can’t ever really replace one friend with another. You may form new strong friendships, but comparing them is unwise and near impossible. Your old friend may have shared your love of true crime documentaries, and perhaps your new friend does not, whereas your old friend perhaps didn’t drink coffee but your new friend might be quite the connoisseur. One isn’t better than the other, but that doesn’t mean you wont miss having someone to watch the latest crime series with, or that you wont enjoy spending Sunday mornings checking out all the local café’s for the best brew.

Just the same as grieving is a process, so too is moving on. For some people these processes are faster than for others, but you can expect the processes to happen over a period of months to years. Sometimes you may feel you are making good progress, then certain things may happen that set you back a few steps, whereas other times you find that you hardly think about the old friendship much at all anymore.

That folks, is key. Because essentially, if you want to say you have moved on from a situation such as this, that means you don’t think about your ex friend. You don’t look them up on social media, you don’t wonder what they are doing, you don’t bring them up in casual conversation with mutual friends, and you don’t wish them well. That’s not to say you wish them harm, but moreso that you don’t wish them anything at all. You have completely let the connection go, and your mind has moved on to different problems to solve.

If you happen to see them on the street, you may pass and say hello, or say nothing, but the idea doesn’t panic you, and you aren’t holding any grudges, nor any pressing questions you need to throw at them to gain answers or insight. You don’t feel anything. Running into them is the same as running into anyone else you used to know. It is normal to feel a spark of recognition, of the person, or their car, or their dog, but you won’t feel a pressing need to follow through and see if it was them.

The thing about knowing when you have moved on, is that you probably wont care that you have, so you will probably never actually acknowledge it. This is something that happens naturally over time. Initially you will be desperate to reach this phase, and be looking for ways to help yourself along, because you just want it to stop hurting.

But if you think about pain, like stubbing your toe…. It certainly hurts, but it didn’t hurt before. The fact is, that you weren’t even really aware of your toe before you stubbed it…. Then every little movement afterwards hurt, and you can’t wait for it to stop. Yet, once it does stop, you very quickly don’t realise, just return to taking your lack of toe pain for granted and go on living your life as if it never happened. This is true, even if you consistently stub your toe in the same spot over the years.

When the pain goes away, and you stop thinking and feeling about it at all, you have moved on, and the ironic part about it is that you no longer care that you have!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Firefly Lane Style Romantic Friendships - Fact or Fiction?

I don’t know if you believe in romantic friendships, I know the idea startles many of you or makes you feel uncomfortable – especially when the person asking the question – aka me, is queer. But if you enjoyed Firefly Lane as much as I did, you will have no room to argue that the friendship between the characters Tully and Kate was the greatest love of their life. For clarity – for some of my readers like my mum, who I know hasn’t watched the show, Tully and Kate met in school and saw each other through countless up’s and downs from adolescence right to the end. There were many expressions of love between the pair, who often described themselves as soulmates, however, physically, they were never intimate. There was never a time that I recall them crossing a boundary, per say, as in they never kissed, however the boundary was definitely blurry.

Some of you may have enjoyed it because of the fantasy it represents, an impossible dream of the ultimate friendship full of passion and love and commitment to withstand anything that life throws at you together, always united. Some of you may scoff at the idea for the same reasons. A lucky few, like me, may have had the pain and pleasure of such a bonding. Lifelong or not, pain and pleasure certainly do go hand in hand even if you and your soul sister do not. I have experienced both kinds, ones where those lines have been crossed, and ones that have always been blurred but never crossed. I can’t say one is better than the other, or that one is less confusing than the other either. What I can say is both are love, and when is that ever simple?

Ok, granted, it can be simple on a TV show, as Tully seems mostly not present for much of Kate’s daughters young life. Infact, TV shows have this way of brushing over this area of life and focusing on the before kids life, then rushing back to the teen years where kids are maybe not less demanding, but certainly more interesting at least, for the viewer. There are very few scenes that feature the time in Kate’s life where she wasn’t available to be Tully’s cheerleader because she had to be home for the bed bath dinner routine by 4pm, and many scenes where we have to assume Kate must have left the kid with someone else.

I raise this because the show spans over decades, zooming in and out of different points over the years and highlighting important moments for the characters, both together, and individually to help us get a more rounded understanding of how they came to be who they were and how they came to form the bond that they had. But it has the power of something bigger, that we don’t possess in our own friendships, and that is the perspective of time, looking backwards from the end point.

Many of my romantic friendships were strong and powerful and meaningful, just as theirs was, however, many of them also didn’t last and I don’t subscribe to the idea that this makes them less valuable or meaningful. Also, my life isn’t over, so I don’t know with whom I may rekindle after a fight as Tully and Kate did so many times, or who may blindside me with unimaginable hurt and betrayal either, as the characters also experienced. I cannot know the outcomes, the emotional reactions or the other characters who will inevitably come in and out of our lives and influence the people we become, the pathways of our lives and the bond we share.

Kate and Tully were almost always each other’s go to plus one, they mingled in the same circles, followed similar career paths and only brushed over long periods of absences. In real life, Tully would have been much busier and probably left Kate feeling much more neglected, and she would probably have ended up with a stronger relationship with Tully’s personal assistant, who seemed to be lacking in the show, because that narrative would have diluted their closeness. What if Tully had also had a husband and children? Would she still have spent every free moment with Kate? What if Kate had followed a career path into medicine and not journalism, would they still have had so much time and so much in common to connect over? Obvioulsy TV shows are unrealistic on purpose, that is why we enjoy the pure fantasy of them and their perfectness. It is enjoyable romanticized escapism. I don’t mind that, I enjoyed it every bit as much as you did, dear reader. But my point is that we shouldn’t strive for it or compare our own connections to this model, because this model was designed to escape all the narratives of reality, and in a perfect world, we would all have perfect friendships and houses and careers and kids and vacations and bank balances etc…. But you cannot blame yourself, or your friends, that the world you live in is not the one of dreams.

What’s important is that you do love your friends as powerfully as you can, or as your circumstances will allow. I know one of my romantic friendships thrives because my friend is single and at this stage of her life, childfree. So she is available for friendship dates and dinners, and can call me for long frivolous conversations about everything and nothing. And as I am a stay at home parent, of older children, I can accommodate those things that bring us both pleasure and keep us together. However, I am well aware that my friends intention to have a baby will change things considerably. She is good with babies and children, always has been. And so, I was lucky in that when mine were young she spent much time with us, and formed strong connections with them. She was always willing to accommodate including them in our time together, and easily accepted I came with 2 pretty annoying arguing small people, and our time together would invariably involve some sort of activity like mini golf or children’s movies and some sort of meal at a loud child friendly venue.  Not everyone’s cup of tea, particularly when you work with children and most people would prefer to spend time off away from them given the choice. But our circumstances brought us together in ways that work wonders.

Now that my children are teenagers and my friend is embarking on an IVF journey to become a solo mother, I am not convinced I will be so accommodating as my friend was to me, because she loved children, wanted them desperately and deliberately dedicated her life to them, whereas I am enjoying some of the newfound freedoms that come with older children; adults movies past 6pm and not rushing home at 3pm to pick them up from the school gate! But that is only if circumstances even allow or dictate for me to be the friend to her that she was to me. She has talked about travelling the world with her retired mother and her child before it reaches school age, and I am not silly enough to think that distance wouldn’t dilute a once romantic friendship back down to a simmering acquaintance of someone you used to know.  Similarly if I decided to return to work, I might be less available too. We don’t know what will happen. We have parted ways once before. We may again. All we know for sure is that right now, it works for us, it is meaningful and enjoyable, but that life doesn’t offer guarantees that it will always stay that way.

My other romantic friendship is with someone I have loved from my school days, someone who grew into a romantic relationship, then the relationship part eventually failed, but that romantic love we have for each other, the commitment and the loyalty hasn’t really ever faltered. Of course there was also a period of separation, and our lives are so different to how we both imagined back in school, but yet, we find ways to come together. We could do a similar montage as the show, fill a season or 2 and make it seem like we were never far from one another. It’s true, in many ways, we weren’t. But it would be a misrepresentation to say that we were heavily involved in the ins and outs of one another’s everyday lives, that we always had the latest gossip as it happened or that nobody else ever knew the big news before the other. Because we both have lives, both have kids on the spectrum, she has a job, we both have partners, other friendships and family relationships to maintain independently from each other, and housework and we live a good 45 minutes on a good day away from one another. So the reality is for many years we didn’t see each other much at all, but when we did, it was grand. Fun, laughter, deep sharing, food, connection, venting, kids playing, all the stuff from the highlight reel was there. Just not everyday, intensely, at the expense of all else, and years where we maybe only saw each other 4 times a year, and didn’t chat much in between….

I suppose my point is that romantic friendships are wonderful and possible, but you shouldn’t hold them to romanticized ideals represented in tv and movies. You have to allow room for reality, and the reason they don’t show that on the big screen is because it isn’t always pretty, there isn’t always a happy ending or closure and everything tied off in a neat little bow. In reality, Tully and Kate were codependent, unhealthy, possessive and exclusionary and it was only by imaginary circumstance that they stayed true. Strive to be like them all you like, but have realistic expectations or you’ll be disappointed. Friends can be soulmates, greatest loves of our lives, but we have to let each other lead those lives, independently too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Control Your Time and Your Own Narratives Not Each Other

Some people are planners and some people are more vague, uncommitted and “go with the flow” kind of people. When two of these types of people meet and become friends, they can easily feel frustrated by one another. It is common for the planner to feel let down by the vagueness while the more flaky friend can easily feel pressured and trapped. So while they like each other, the friendship can be stressful to maintain.

I am a planner type. So I like to know my plans in advance and make decisions accordingly. I know a good friend of mine is not like this, she can be flaky as she tries to fit in with her family and be available to them. This impedes her ability to commit to plans with friends. I totally understand this, so I try  to be flexible and accommodating to her. However, earlier in our friendship, her flakiness was definitely an issue for me, and we struggled to find even ground to build foundations.

I often felt as though I was powerless and “waiting around” for her, in case she happened to be free, and was consistently disappointed and resentful of the days I wasted hoping she might make some time to spend together. It meant for me, that I was saying no to other opportunities because I had committed to plans with my flaky friend, while she was saying yes to the other opportunities and only seeing me if nobody else was available.

It’s not as simple as saying I was making her a priority while she was treating me as an option… (the last option!) Because she had her family responsibilities and her family were relatively dependent and demanding of her, and I do understand that they do, and should, come first. But it still challenged my limits of flexibility. As a planner, I like to buy tickets ahead of time, plan out the meals, make bookings and have an idea of how the time will be spent.

I see value in spending time on these things in advance, so things go to plan and you are free to enjoy exactly what you had planned. It brings me happiness when you can set a time to leave the house, roll up at the venue knowing it is booked and paid, and be really present in the activity and the person you are with. If it is an option, I will look at the menu online in advance so I don’t waste time there deciding and I can continue the conversation with my friend.

So it is stressful and anxiety producing for me, to just show up at the venue on the night and see if they have tickets available etc…. And I will plan my day around it accordingly. So if we said we were going to go see a movie, at 10am, I will get the tickets in advance, I will pack a bag of movie snacks and drinks because I am frugal, I will get up early and do my morning exercise in time, and I will book a place for lunch after the movie depending on which cinema we are attending. But if we just say “we might go see a movie next week…” I don’t know what time to be ready, what dining venues are going to be nearby, if tickets will be available etc….. As I have children, those details matter. Do I need to organise babysitters? What will they eat while I am out? It’s fair to say I prefer to feel in control of the outcomes so I can relax.

But that means my friend might be hesitant to commit to an activity with me, knowing that I want to pin it down early, and invest in it, and she will be causing distress to me if she can’t make it, or causing distress to her family if they happen to need her help. So therefore, me even suggesting plans might make her stressed, and if she says something non comital, she knows I will push for more information and she will feel pressured. It’s hard to make a friendship work when both people feel stressed about spending time together.

In time, I learned to accept my friend would be late, almost every time, and trust that she would do her best to commit to plans but I would need to be flexible in changing them if possible. She learned I needed her to commit to time together, even if how that time was spent was more flexible. So we might agree to go for dinner next week, but then if she has to babysit for one of her nieces and nephews, we can go to a family friendly venue, or just go to her place, and I can plan my day around the fact that I wont be home that day either way. Or we make plans to go to the casino, for example, or other venues that don’t require a booking or a specific time and date or any real planning on my part.

However, recently I found myself frustrated again when I said yes to a wishy washy plan. She had said she needed to stay close to home on a certain day, for medical reasons. I asked her if she wanted me to come up and keep her company, and she seemed happy about the suggestion initially and then said she had to speak to her mother first and would get back to me. I said I would be available if she wanted company, I didn’t have anything planned for that day, but was happy to play it by ear. I would either be at home, or at her house, it didn’t feel like it mattered and I just told her we would talk about it later.

However, the morning rolled around, and I was going to enjoy a sleep in, until I remembered that I may be going out so I decided I better get up and get moving. After my morning exercise I decided to pack the kids a lunchbox as I might not be home at lunchtime and that way there would be something to quickly pull out and easily feed them. I made their breakfast, showered and dressed for the day. By the time I was ready, it was about 9.30am. But I was still unclear if my friend was actually expecting me. I decided it was probably a little early for my friend yet, and just to wait a little before I might hear from her.

But I even struggled to fill that time, because I didn’t want to start writing if I wouldn’t have time to finish, I didn’t know if I had time to run a load of washing or watch a movie etc…. So I pottered about the house, cleaned the bathroom (which was no bad thing) and took some things out the freezer to defrost for dinner. But when my daughter asked if her friend could come over, I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know my own movements. When I presented them with the lunchboxes at lunch time they had complaints because they prefer a hot meal made for them if I am home with them. (Yes, entitled spoiled children, I know!) So I began to get frustrated that I had planned my day around maybe going to my friends place and she hadn’t even let me know.

Venting to someone about my frustration, it was pointed out to me, that I was not controlling my narrative. I should not have agreed to wishy washy plans and said “we can talk about it later.” I could have called my friend and asked her the plan, or I could have made my own plans and then said to my friend if she called, “I am doing xyz, but after that we can meet up.” Instead I put my time in the hands of my friend, who is probably too concerned about her medical thing to have even considered me, didn’t care too much either way if she had my company, and probably hadn’t even thought or remembered about our conversation about it. Instead I waited all day in limbo and that is my fault.

So if you have a flaky friend, or even if you are the flaky friend, you can control your narrative, by being clear about what you will do, and not living to the other person’s standards. You should work together as a team, and take control of your own time, and how you spend it and with whom. If my friend makes plans with me, and they are cemented, she will tell her family that she can’t help. I appreciate that because I know it isn’t easy for her, and she’d probably rather be helping them. If I make plans with my friend, I need to be accountable for how flexible I am and making sure I am not over investing or waiting around, if she hasn’t committed, I don’t have to either.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ages and Stages; Life may still pull you apart at any moment.

Last week, we talked about change. There are obvious times when friendships experience strain, starting from a very young age, and with no age limit, unfortunately. Which means no matter how old you are, nor how old your friendship is, you are never immune to this experience. And it never gets any easier from what I am told.

It starts right from early childhood, when your best friend moves away or goes to a different school, or even just gets put into a different classroom than you, and starts making friends with their other classmates. One or both of you might join a sports team or take up some other hobby that sees you forming fresh and competitive bonds. Not to mention all the drama that comes with adolescence that adds to the push and pull of friendships and relational aggression.

After school ends, people take jobs, get partners and go on different pathways. Some move states or cities or countries, some move out of the family home and embark on independence, while some stay closer to home and struggle to find their feet.

Some young people take up their first romantic and sexual relationships in school, but more serious connections tend to form after that. These connections tend to be intense, and draw much of a person’s time and attention away from friends and even family in a bid to start making memories, and families, of their own.

This can also be considered a competitive period of time, everyone wanting to prove themselves and get that validation, even if goals weren’t the same. Maybe some wanted to be famous on the stage while others wanted to be a famous athlete. Others wanted to be the CEO of a company and some wanted to build their company from the ground up. And at the back of their minds, most wanted to reach the happily ever after finish line in an acceptable and competitive time period. Competition is counterintuitive to friendships really, because somebody wins and somebody loses. This comparison alone easily leads to friendship rifts as people tell themselves they outgrew each other or that their values and goals were just too different in the real world.

Friendships are further impacted by the following stage of life, where people marry and have children. Parenthood tends to steer parents together as they navigate the task of raising children. However close you may have been before, if one of you has children and the other does not, typically the friendships will dance further apart, at least for a time, as each person seeks the company of others on a similar path. And even if you do have children at the same time, if they do not get along, or your parenting ideals and values turn out to be quite opposite, that is another factor that is likely to get in the way of even long term friendships.

If you work full time, parent or not, it’s likely the people you work with everyday are likely to become your friends. Even if you don’t have tonnes in common, you are thrown together each day and you become familiar if you want to or not. These friendships feel easy, as you are paid to have them and what you do have in common is time and place. You are the people who know the politics of your workplace, and the people most likely to know the nuances of your home life as you engage in general chit chat as the years go by.

But then comes a stage in life where you leave the workforce, and many people struggle to maintain these former connections once that frequent time is removed, and once the common ground of the politics, the familiar faces are gone. At this stage of life, you may be segregated into categories of those of you with grandchildren and caring responsibility, to those of you without who want to travel and regain some of the freedoms you anticipated for much of your life. Or there may be those of you who are better financially set for retirement and those of you who need or want to continue some type of part time work or paid hobby. Again, these things may separate you, or place strain among even the strongest and longest of friendships.

Health then starts to come into play, if you were fortunate enough that it didn’t before. Some may be more limited, or struggle with mental health. Divorce and second marriages etc… are other evets during a person’s life that can unexpectedly draw them apart from friends.

Most of these things have nothing at all to do with friendships, and yet we tend to take these separations quite personally and hurt ourselves unnecessarily in the process. It isn’t usually true to say your friend didn’t care for you, only that their life took them on a path different to yours, and that made maintaining your friendship more difficult. The positive regard may indeed still stand, even if the time, attention and closeness felt as a result lessen.

These things are not things you can predict and not things you can really prepare for. At times these changes actually happen quite suddenly, as people may unexpectedly experience grief, changes, relationships and any number of opportunities that may alter their course in life. You can’t even always control your own path, let alone those of your friends.

But what you can control is how you respond to these changes. The most important thing is probably allowing flexibility, and tolerating periods of change with grace and maintaining positive feelings, trusting that your friend has not set out to hurt you and does care for you. The next thing to be mindful of is your expectations. To expect things not to change or to return to how they were before, after periods of change, is not fair or realistic. Even expecting that the friendship will continue forever, just because it has continued for 10, 20, 30 or more years, is unwise. It is important to acknowledge you would like something to continue, but that you cannot control this, as the other person is free to live, love, and learn on their own path in their own time.

Things change, and essentially it is difficult, but important to try and change along with them. You are not the same person you were at 10, 20, 30, or 60 etc…. and that is ok. It is natural for us to grow and change, but as a result we must accept that changes in our friendships are normal too. Only with much grace and flexibility and trust, will you be able to focus on the positives, appreciate what still exists, however small, and not feel a sense of loss, but instead embrace change.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Pressing the Reset Boundaries Button

Is it possible to start over with a friend? We know there is no rewind button, no pause and no fast forward to skip the ugly or hard parts. But once you reach troubled water, is there any way to be better? I am not necessarily talking about when you have fallen out, although that would be a chance for a reset, but I mean when you have decided something about your dynamic no longer serves you, and you want to change it…. Is this possible?

It would be naïve to say that this would be totally easy, because much like other areas of our lives…. We  sometimes run our relationships on autopilot. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And bad behaviours are hard to change. So, without commitment from both people, and even with it, changes can be hard to commit to. It is so easy to slip back into bad habits. Just like a diet!

What would be reasons or examples you want to reset boundaries I hear you asking?

You used to talk on the phone everyday for hours, but for whatever reason, you no longer want to talk as frequently or for as long.
You used to have traditions that you no longer want to participate in, or follow.
One of you used to pay for things more often and you want to make it more equal.
One of you always drives and no longer wants that responsibility.
You used to engage with each other’s family, but that no longer feels comfortable or appropriate.
One of you tends to always initiate plans or make the first contact and it has started to feel one sided.
You tend to engage in unhealthy habits together and one of you is trying to get healthier.

Those are just a few examples that came to mind, but I am sure there are many more! These things sound easy to change, in theory, but in practise, they aren’t always. Particularly if one of you is resistant to this change. If you are trying to drink less, for example, but you and a certain friends have always had a social drink, and your friend is happy with this arrangement, you may find that they aren’t all that interested in supporting the change. So you might find yourself agreeing to go along to the bar anyway and having a non alcoholic drink, but you don’t seem to enjoy it anymore. You may even find that your friend pressures you to just have a drink with them, even if you only have one. This is a slippery slope, right?

You want to hold on to your friendship, but what if the things that were keeping you together are actually unhealthy for one or both of you? Lets use the phone calls as a lesser example. If you stop calling or answering the calls, will your connection dwindle due to the lack of contact? The chances are that it will, yes, and one of you will feel the loss a lot more than the other. For one of you, or both of you, it may start to feel like you aren’t really even friends at all anymore and this is the beginning of the end…

I know I have had friendships that went through big shifts like this. Some of them made it and some of them didn’t. But even the ones that did make it, the closeness is gone for me, even if the friendship is not, and quite often the friend in question still believes we are close. It’s not necessarily that we aren’t. I may still be able to tell that person anything and everything, but they just don’t make time or space to listen to me anymore, so I don’t bother trying to tell them. This is an error on both our parts. One should not assume we are close if I am no longer talking to you the way I was, but I should also not assume my friend doesn’t want to hear me either. The problem is perhaps that neither of us has adjusted to the change even if we have both accepted it. My friend doesn’t realise I don’t feel like they have time to talk to me and I don’t realise they feel like I stopped sharing as punishment for the change.

But of course, this is a normal part of life, of friendships ebbing and flowing and changing, stretching and evolving over time. I’m not saying everything like this even needs to be addressed or changed. Maybe they don’t and that’s the actual answer right there.

But when these changes are facing us, they do have a tendency to seem more pressing, and of course we wish to maintain friendships as much as possible, while making whatever changes we feel are right for us. That expectation isn’t always realistic, because whatever feels right for us may not feel right for our friend. Essentially you have to honour your own boundaries, regardless of what makes your friend happy.

However, this is easier said than done. If your friend just assumes you will drive, you will have to ask them to take their car. Making an excuse may work the first time or 2, however it’s unlikely your friend wont start to get suspicious and ask questions, and you will usually end up in an awkward conversation about how you always drive and you would like to change that. It is a small silly thing, but you still may encounter resistance. Are you willing to negotiate? Why doesn’t your friend drive? Would you be willing to drive if they paid you fuel money? Are they always drinking? How do you feel about sharing an uber or taxi? What if your friend can’t see well at night, are you prepared to drive at night and let them do the day shift?

Small changes often have knock on effects you see, and become bigger issues than they need to be. You might find your friend would rather not go out if it is going to cost them fuel money etc… suddenly the outing is no longer worth it to them. So you feel annoyed and used and like you were only ever their free ride. Instead of suggesting that you just hang at home instead so neither of you have the expense, or if you meet there, you might have rigid ideas about how this issue could be resolved in a satisfactory manner, and an unwillingness to compromise could cost your friendship.

We need to remember that friendship is a team effort and that we always need to try and stay on the same team even while making changes. This means a willingness to discuss the issue, and a willingness to compromise on outcomes too.

Going back to the phone call example, just never talking to your friend on the phone again probably isn’t a viable solution if that was your mode of connection, and you wish to preserve the friendship. Suddenly not answering the phone will feel like a ghosting and denying that there is an issue is unkind. So a conversation needs to be had, and it needs to be honest and considerate in equal measure. Such as telling Suzie that you have really valued your phone conversations over the years and how much you appreciate that she always makes the effort to call. But that you’re struggling to make time for it as often now, and sometimes catch yourself feeling resentful when you are on the phone for hours and don’t get whatever it was you needed to do done and then are late to bed etc…. Or whatever the issue is. Then ask her for ways she thinks you could maintain your friendship in meaningful ways without the daily calls. You need to know what you’re comfortable with. Can you accommodate a weekly call at a mutually convenient time? Or can you suggest a dinner instead? The idea is to let Suzie know the connection is still important to you, and you still want to talk to her, just not in the current manner.

It may still be hard for Suzie to accept. Maybe you were the only person she talked to each day and having that phone call helped her feel less alone. Or maybe having you to vent to each day had become a coping mechanism. It’s still ok for you to make changes if this doesn’t work for you, but if you can be understanding and compassionate about why the calls may have been important to her, and still work towards compromising to meet her need, the change should be easier to implement.

Sometimes you have success. But in my experience, it is rare. You may stick to new boundaries initially, but find that Suzie calls a few days in a row after her mum goes into hospital. Then you make allowances because it is s stressful time and you want to be a good friend. Then she keeps calling because she is stressed during her mother’s recovery, but before long, her mum has recovered and you once again feel stuck and resentful about the calls having slipped back into your life. The other way it might go is  that Suzie now feels her conversation is bothersome. She feels insulted and like you actually don’t want to talk to her. She misses her weekly call and is hurt when you fail to notice. She takes it as a sign that your friendship is over and quietly withdraws. You have no idea that you and Suzie aren’t really friends anymore, while Suzie quietly moves on with her life and finds people that do have time for her calls.

It isn’t easy dear readers, to set new boundaries. It isn’t impossible, but there is no remote with a reset button, and we can’t control other people or the outcomes. So do and say what you need to do and say for yourself and see what happens. I can’t guarantee that the friendship will survive or feel as meaningful as it does now.

What I can do is advise you to be mindful of the patterns you set with people, and if they will always be sustainable to you. Of course it isn’t always easy to predict. Maybe you didn’t know you were about to get pregnant or maybe you thought you’d be single forever and then you met someone. But the patterns you set fit this current version of you, and if you want the friendship to fit all the versions you will become, try not to over commit to doing things a certain way… be mindful of your patterns and behaviours, be honest when change arises, and be accommodating and understanding. And as much as possible, start as you plan to continue!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Where are the boundaries between friends and family?

We have all heard the expression “friends are the family that  you choose for yourself.” If you are a regular reader of mine you may already know that I am not  a huge fan of this expression, because in my experience there is a pretty clear line between friends and family, and no matter how close you might be to someone, family will always kinda trump friendship. Added to which, the relationships are of a different nature and sometimes the fact that friendships are somewhat less invested and intertwined with who we are as people, is actually part of their value.

But that isn’t really what I am trying to talk about today. What I am getting at is when a friend gets a little too close for comfort to your family for your liking. Maybe a female friend is a little too flirty with your brother, or you find out your friend and your cousin have been hanging out without telling you. Sometimes your friend might even attach themselves to your parents, and it can be hard to put your finger on exactly why it makes you uncomfortable.

Are you being possessive or jealous? Your family are great people, and you love them. Your friend is a great person who you also love. So why should this be an issue?

Most of the time, if we are honest, it is because we assume deep down that these relationships are central to ourselves and therefore that any conversation is naturally about us. Who we are with family tends to be quite different to who we are with friends. Or maybe that isn’t it, maybe you are exactly the same person to your friend as you are to your family, yet there is still unease. You know that your friend has their own life and things to discuss, but perhaps you can’t shake the feeling that one or both have an agenda to discuss you?

And it is pretty normal not to want your friends to know certain things that your family does. Like how you were an avid tuba player in the seventh grade, until you tripped during marching practise and split your lip. Or how you ended up living with your parents again at 30 after a messy divorce. Even if your friend already knows these things, we tend to like to control the narrative.

Not to mention that boundaries can get blurred. If you fall out with your friend, you don’t want to visit your mother and find them at the kitchen table asking for advice, and similarly you don’t want your friend getting messed up in family disputes and dramas either. A friend of mine recently relayed a story about a friend who wrote to her mother to “dob” on her when they had a tiff, and disclosed other information that my friend had never intended her mother to know. This caused a lot of unnecessary drama for my friend and her mother and did nothing to assist in the repair of the friendship.

In the end the friendship was never repaired, because trust could never be rebuilt, and yet the friend continues to send my friends mother a yearly Christmas card with a letter. My friend has long since stopped asking her mother what these letters say, but still feels somewhat violated by the ongoing intrusion into her circle and her world. When you cut ties with someone, you really don’t want to see them at the family gathering or hear about their annual update. Or hear about them at all, really.

There are people in my own life who come up from time to time, although they are no longer in my life, because our families keep in touch. And even that can feel awkward as you feign interest about the other person and feel pretty confident that they would also prefer not to entertain polite conversation about you and what’s happening in your life either.

Recently in my own life, I met an association of a friends husband’s brother at said husband’s 50th birthday party. I really enjoyed conversation with this person and could have talked to her all day. She disclosed that she had written a book, about a topic that a close friend of mine is struggling with. As it happened I had already read a different book on the subject to support my friend, and I found it interesting enough that I immediately promised this lady I was going to read her book. I did, and I did enjoy it.

The conundrum comes when I thought about reaching out to the author to tell her how much I enjoyed the book. Something stops me. Something tells me that this might be a violation of an invisible boundary that exists… that it isn’t my place to form connections with my friends inlaws. That potentially things could get messy, boundaries could get blurred and it is important to show my loyalty to my friend. (For context, the relationship with the inlaws hasn’t always been smooth sailing.)

That said, this particular friend and I have a laugh that my own mother appears to be her biggest fan on social media and is often the first to like and comment on her posts! This doesn’t worry me, I have no fears that they are gossiping about me behind my back or that loyalties are at stake. Similarly I have heard stories of people who were thrilled when their bestie married their brother and they became sisters in law! But if the situation makes you uneasy, I would encourage you to explore why that is, and gently try to discourage either party getting too attached to the other.

Nobody wants to feel like they are competing for their friends with their family, or worse, competing for their family with their friends. They are a separate category of relationships for a reason and I still tend to believe this is for the best!

What are your thoughts and experiences with this?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Things Change

In the last few weeks I talked about personality types and love languages and how to be a better friend to your friends based on their needs. We touched on the fact that a person’s love languages often stem from their unmet needs. For example a person who feels isolated or like they struggle to hold people’s attention might feel loved through quality time, whereas a person who is so busy they hardly have time to scratch themselves might value acts of service.

It honestly makes sense, but things change, don’t they? People change, circumstances change. It’s possible you felt isolated in one town you lived in, and craved someone to spend some time with, but then moved home and felt overwhelmed by requests for time. Or you didn’t value acts of service much until after you became a parent and your workload suddenly got a lot more intense.

And when I took that personality type quiz, it told me I am a stabiliser. I might be, but I also have some strong improver traits going on too! So although it is handy to characterise and sort ourselves into neat little boxes, in order to be the best friend you can be, an overall and current awareness of your friends and their immediate circumstances is essential.

What tends to be hardest is when you have a mutual need or love language, then that changes for one of you, but not the other. I have experienced this countless times with single friends who feel a bit lonely and like to connect over quality social time, however those needs of theirs change when they partner up, and suddenly they find themselves favouring gifts (presents instead of presence) and words of affirmation as a love language.

What’s hard about that is that they might love giving and receiving a thoughtful and meaningful gift, with a card filled with loving and reassuring words affirming that although our bond has changed, our feelings towards each other have not. They mean these words, but if I am still feeling lonely and needing quality time to feel loved, these gestures tend to take on an empty meaningless feeling although I believe they do mean what they say. Because how I receive love is no longer the same as how they are giving it.

Similarly, there are times in my life when I am willing and able to offer acts of service to friends as a love language, and I know the friends in question truly appreciate and feel loved and supported by these acts of service. However there are other times when I start to feel exhausted or get too busy or overwhelmed with my own life and have to start pulling back on these acts of service, leaving my friends in question puzzled if I am upset with them as I seem withdrawn. I wont lie and say there are never times when this might be true and I start to feel a bit used, but there are also times when it has absolutely no correlation to the friends and how many requests for services they have made. So when I suggest some quality time together and a long hug when they complain about how hard things are, as opposed to offering my assistance, it does not feel like love to them even though I am trying to still show love. It isn’t in their language.

Naturally, this plays into my theory that having 5 close friends is the sweet spot, so that no one person is drained by requests for love in your language. I like to hope when I can’t do whatever it  is my friend has asked me to do, that they have other people to turn to instead. Similarly when my single friends couple up, they like to hope that I still have other people to meet my need for quality time with too.

And both things are true. This is important as if you only have that one person and they can no longer meet your need, the hole in your life can become so big you fall into it, and struggle to climb back out of the darkness alone. However, that doesn’t make it easy. Because when things change, and needs change, and love languages change… friendships change. Whoever else I might start spending time with when my friend couples up and becomes less available, will start to inevitably feel closer to me than someone I spend less time with. This is especially true if the persons in question are good listeners and a safe place to share, but tends to become true even if they aren’t as time builds that familiarity. It would therefore also stand to reason that if someone else was providing my acts of service friend more consistent and willing acts of service that they will start to feel closer to that person than me.

In those circumstances it can be hard to adjust to the changes and still nurture and appreciate the friendship as it changes. It isn’t uncommon to experience an ambiguous sense of loss, even although you and the other party are still actually on good terms. What you have lost is that sense of intimacy that was there before when you were both speaking the same language. When you are experiencing grief over the connection, it is sometimes easier to continue pulling away.

We might be guilty of blaming the other party for the feelings of grief, and feel it is easier not to bother with them any longer than feel a sense of emptiness and even a forced pretence when we are with them under new circumstances. Thoughts such as “why bother spending time on my birthday and giving me a gift when that is the only time you bother with me at all” might start plaguing you. In the other example, thoughts such as “why would I want you  to come over and give me a hug when I have just told you how busy and overwhelmed I am already and how little time I have. You aren’t hearing me or understanding!” would be fairly commonplace.

These thoughts soon spiral into further negative feelings and before you know it, the connection has crumbled. Either because one of you felt it was better to end things than endure the painful change, or because you both pulled away when needs were no longer being met by each other.

The bad news is that there’s no real way around this, the only way is through it. And I recommend suffering through the changes if you can. Trust me when I tell you this is a lesson I have learned the hard way more than once. But once you focus on where you can meet your own need, or who else can meet it, and accept that their needs have changed, it can be interesting to recategorize them and assess what their new needs are. How can you meet them? Can you keep positive feelings about them when you know they are genuine, but you are frustrated?

Space isn’t something you will have to implement, as change tends to bring about space all on it’s own – your challenge is to endure the space until it doesn’t hurt anymore and you are able to find meaning in the birthday gift and card, and enjoy the opportunity to continue to grow your connection in a new direction, however slowly.

I know I am grateful for the friends that have endured change with me. I know I haven’t always acknowledged that some of the changes caused them pain and frustration. Similarly I know I feel better about the more relaxed but strong connections I still hold with people who enforced changes upon me, than those who allowed me to walk away. Because there is nothing worse than wondering if you might have still been friends, had you endured change better with more grace and understanding and compassion, than hiding from them when you see them in the supermarket.

People change, circumstances change, connections change, needs change, love languages change and friendships change. If you want to be the best friend you can be, you need to learn to change with them and not resist them. It will hurt, but you’ll survive, and hopefully so will the new connections that are born from that change!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mumma My Friend

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you fortunate enough to be celebrating. This includes Aunts and Uncles who are like second parents, single dad’s who are doing it all, mother’s of fur babies, and those of you who’s connection to the day is now on the other side. But it is especially for my mum!

I complained about my mother tirelessly as a youngster. She went to work and wasn’t there for me. But no mention of all the things her wage afforded us as a family, like around the world holidays, and no gratefulness about the things it afforded me directly, like the cordless phone in my room and the remote control tv. This was a big deal back then! But no, instead I complained that I didn’t have my own phone line/number and that the tv didn’t have a VCR with it.

I complained about her doing the washing first thing on a Saturday instead of thanking her for using her few precious days off to wash, dry, fold, sort and put away my clothes so I had clean things to wear.

I complained that I had to put the potatoes on to boil at 5pm so that she could serve them with dinner after her bus from work got in at 5.30pm. “I’m not your slave” I would bellow ungratefully down the line when she had to call every single day to remind me or I wouldn’t do it. No thank you mum for getting up early, and peeling and cutting the potatoes in the pot ready to be boiled before a long day at work, plus the pre preparation of whatever other things she was serving for dinner.

I complained that she had expectations about the cleanliness of my room, insisting that it wasn’t her business and to close the door if she didn’t like it and keep out of my room. No thanks for the room of my own, filled with luxury items with which I made said mess. No gratefulness to her for returning to work so they could pay off that house and provide us with security and stability.

I complained that I was not allowed to bring a friend on said round the world trips, instead of being grateful and revelling in the opportunity to travel and see things I may not ever get to experience again.

I complained that the dishes had to be done straight after dinner, although I was seldom asked to do them, instead of offering and understanding that she just wanted to sit down after a long hard day.

I complained when I was asked to defrost the freezer, that she was wasting a day of my precious time on the school holidays instead of thanking her for the fridge and freezer full of nutritious meals and snacks.

I complained when she spoke to my friends, calling her nosey and briefing them in advance to tell her nothing, instead of thanking her for trying to connect and relate to us, and being interested and concerned about what we were experiencing.

I complained when she would edit my work. I just wanted praise and adoration, not criticism, instead of thanking her for helping me to be better and achieve more.

I wish I could tell you that my complaining stopped there, as an adolescent, but it didn’t.

I complained that when she would visit after I moved out of home that she would visit and clean things instead of accepting me the way that I am and enjoying time together instead of thanking her for her help and all the time she was saving me that I could later spend with my friends.

I complained when she decided it was time for me to pay for my own rego and insurance on the car that they bought and maintained for me years after I was legally an adult.

I complained that I was expected to look after my dog when they went on holidays, although they kept and cared for him long after I moved out, instead of thanking her for the love and care she bestowed upon a dog she never wanted.

I complained less, and started to understand all that selflessness and sacrifice that being a mother requires after I had my son, but I still never stopped complaining fully.

I complained that she wasn’t available enough to babysit my children so that I could go out…. Instead of being grateful for all the times, and there were many, that she was willing to accommodate.

I complained that she commented on my body and my diet, instead of empathising and understanding her concern and desire to protect me from her own perceived shortcomings and struggles.

I complained that she made parenting suggestions instead of thanking her for her wisdom.

I complained that she stopped hosting Christmas and family functions over the years after they moved to a tiny apartment in a retirement village instead of thanking her for slaving away all those years and making those moments easy and enjoyable and memorable for the rest of us.

I complained that she didn’t want to put up her Christmas tree anymore instead of understanding that the kids are all teenagers now, and they don’t go over enough to even really see it instead of thanking her and explaining she made Christmas magic and it breaks my heart that she’s running out of magic dust.

I complained that she wants to use a shower chair instead of standing after a friend of hers fell in the shower and broke her neck, instead of being compassionate and explaining it scares me she’ll get old and leave me and I don’t want to lose her.

I have complained about everything, every step of the way. And I am so damned lucky to have so much to complain about. Because every complaint was about a blessing she gave me that not everyone had.

Thank you to my mother, who gave me everything, asked for nothing and hardly complained about all my complaining. Please know I do appreciate every little thing you have offered to make my life easier, and what it cost you, as a woman. All that self sacrifice, all those acts of service, all those hours of working both at home and in the office. The early mornings and late nights and the mental load.

Let’s be honest, I will probably never stop finding things to complain about, but mostly I want to complain that you are getting older and tired and I want you to stay here, as you are, forever. As that isn’t possible I want you to know it will be an honour to care for you as your needs advance, and I hope you complain about everything I do too! I definitely deserve it!

I have complained about many things, but never that you haven’t expressed love. Everything that you do, for me, and for everyone in your life, is love. Remembering the details, listening attentively, thoughtful gifts and gestures. And despite my complaining that is the greatest gift you have given me. You have taught me how to love through loving.

I love you Mumma, even if you complain that I don’t show it enough! Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. Thank you. For Everthing you have done, continue to do and will do in the future. I notice. I care. I love you too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend For(n)Ever
xx

Friendship personality type compatibility

Last week we talked about friendship personality types and how to be a better friend based on your friends personality type. This week I wanted to explore compatibility between the types and the pros and cons of each pairing.

Doer + Doer.

Pro’s – Doers thrive in competition with each other, and they motivate each other to be the best that they can be. Each values the opinion of the other in the highest regard and there is tonnes of mutual respect here. Nobody knows how good they are, and how under valued they are, than another doer. Doers are the least sentimental of the types and do not value quality time. But this works for them as neither expect it from the other anyway. Low maintenance friendships are most often between doers.

Con’s – Both are competitive and both are sore losers. Both wants the respect and accolades and neither takes enough time to offer enough praise and stroke the ego of the other. At the end of the day there can only be one winner, so doers tend to surround themselves with the other types even if only for status and support to be the best against the other doers. You are only as strong as your team.

Doer + Connector.

Pros – The pros of this friendship is that the connector can praise the doer effectively without asking for too much in return. They can increase their social network, social status and standing. The doer benefits from the popularity of the connector. The connector feels proud to have someone as bold and confident as the doer in their life, and feels supported by the acts of service the doer can offer in return. As the doer has little time to offer, the fact that the connector has many other friends to meet those needs relieves the doer of pressure to give too much time, attention or reaasurance. Both like a faster paced life and both like to laugh. The connector loves to spread cheer and the doer uses laughter to let off steam and relax as they often don’t take much time for anything else.

Cons – The cons of this relationship is that the connector is so busy tending to the needs of all their friendships and relationships, the doer may feel underacknowledged. They love to be adored, so can at times struggle to keep the attention of the connector. The connector can sometimes feel used for status and underwhelmed by the doers lack of ability to connect on a deeper personal level.

Doer + Improver.

Pro’s – Doers want to be the very best they can be. So they do value the criticism of the improver, they can provide valuable insight and strategy in order to be better. They can be good collaborators, setting goals and achieving them together. The Doer can motivate the improver to be better and apply strategy to their own life, to use that self critic for good and support them to make decisions. The doers confidence can be contagious to the improver. The improver thrives on the clear expectations of the doer. The doer is direct and the improver appreciates that direction.

Con’s – Improvers are self critical already and the doers insensitive nature can be hurtful to the improver. If the improver cannot find a way to soften the blows of the candid nature of the doer, then they may become distant and withdrawn. They may feel not good enough for the doer and stop trying as they cannot figure out a way to conduct themselves in a manner that is pleasing to the doer. The doer finds the improvers more relaxed and quiet style boring and unproductive and starts to under value them. They may end up assuming responsibility for the improver and trying to direct their life and become frustrated when their efforts and advice are not taken and appreciated. Both types enjoy control, and can clash on this issue.

Doer + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – The doer needs the stabilizer, because the doer likes to be in control and the stabiliser enjoys taking the directions of the doer. The doer enjoys feeling like they are improving the life of the stabiliser by being in it, and the stabiliser thrives off lifting the doer up. The stabilizer is the “good woman behind every good man” in the expression. The masculinity and femininity of the types mean they are drawn to each other.

Con’s – It can also mean they are not from the same planet. The stabilizer needs gentle understanding, time and undivided attention -to be seen and understood in their own right and not only in terms of what they offer the doer. The doer finds this need for attention exhausting and unnecessary. In truth  the doer doesn’t think the stabiliser deserves attention, they are disgustingly passive and deserve to be used if they are willing to tolerate such treatment, then they are asking for it. The doer does want the stabiliser to do something, to make something happen. But if the stabiliser did, they probably wouldn’t be friends anymore. The stabilizer can be liked or respected by the doer, but not both at the same time. The doer becomes tired of doing everything for the stabilizer and finds them lazy and unmotivated – their biggest fear. Stabilisers are too slow, passive, and frustratingly indecisive for the doer. They don’t understand each other, and the stabiliser will feel pressured, not good enough and unheard, under valued. They like to please people but their very nature is displeasing to the doer.

Connector + Connector.

Pro’s – Connectors love connecting with new people, so when they come together it is like 2 magical worlds colliding and expanding with even more love and connectedness. The more the merrier, this is a happy pairing bringing so much extra happiness.

Con’s – it is exhausting for them to maintain so many connections with so many people and eventually their connections with others in their groups may become stronger than their connections to each other. Neither finds the connection fulfilling enough as both are too busy contending to connecting with everyone else. A little goes a long way but too little and it will fizzle.

Connector + Improver.

Pro’s – The connector sees the depth of the improver, sees their fears and need to be perfect in order to be good enough. The connector tries tirelessly to love the improver just the way they are and creates a safe space for the beauty of the vulnerability and depth to which the improver is capable if they just let their guard down and stop being ruled by the fear of mistakes. The connector is impressed by the improvers power of observation and feels equally seen and attended to in deeper ways than their other friends have the ability to offer. The improver thrives off the attention of the connector, and is impressed that someone so popular and happy would ever include someone more solitary and pessimistic or realistic in their world. The improver values the fun and creativity the connector offers and a glimpse into the world of how the fun and relaxed people live.

Con’s – The improver can be somewhat insensitive to the needs and feelings of the connector. As the connector loves to feel connected and valued, continued criticism from the improver can be wearing. The connector accepts the improver as they are, but perhaps never feels the same in return. The improver sees the suggestions as love, but the connector doesn’t feel loved. The connector may talk to the improver wanting to be heard and validated, but the improver is quick to analyse the problem and offer advice, which leads to a disconnect. Improvers are the least flexible of the types and connectors love humour and freedom and lots of people which make the improvers uncomfortable. Humour can be a grey area, and it can be lost on an improver. Improvers also want to tell the connectors how to improve, but with their positive outlook, this focus on the negatives drains them.

Connector + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – The connector is the most fun type and the stabiliser thrives with this playfulness, as they don’t have to overthink it. They enjoy this superficial way of connecting and the ease and lack of pressure. The stabilizer brings consistency and reliability  to the connector. The connector values that they can depend on the stabiliser to do what they say they will do. They each like the attention the other has to offer, and the fact that they sometimes include and introduce them to others. Connectors appreciate the support that the stabiliser has to offer. As connectors are more fast paced and highly sociable, their connections often lack depth and they appreciate that warm place to stop for a moment and feel really seen and heard, even when they aren’t feeling quite as cheerful as they present to the world.

Con’s - The connector feels unsure of the stabiliser. The connector wants to connect, and as the stabiliser likes to go with the flow, the connector feels unsure of who the stabiliser really is and if they are really happy and connected. They sense that the stabiliser would not speak up if they wanted something and that frustrates the connector as they then don’t ever feel like the stabiliser is pleased with them. The stabiliser feels pressured to speak up and step into their light and power to please the connector, but they don’t know how to do that authentically. Each may gravitate towards other friends who feel more authentic and accepting.

Improver + Improver.

Pro’s – improvers understand each other the best. They see the reasons behind critical thinking and revel in endless discussions of armchair psychology. They feel truly seen and understood and validated by connecting with others who think the same ways as they do.

Con’s – They waste their life discussing changes they could make but never do, and convince themselves and each other the world is an unsafe place. They can easily become codependent, feeling safe with only each other but also disconnected from the world.

Improver + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – These 2 types are deeper thinkers and love sharing in more relaxing activities together. Both enjoy similar things like theatre, arts, movies and massage. They are quieter and revel in deep conversation and ruminations. They both love quality time and words of affirmation and easily meet this need for the other. The stabiliser forgives the improver for their negative mindset and critical thinking and understands their need to be better. The stabiliser supports the improvers goals but does not apply pressure for the improver to actually action them. The stabiliser feels most seen and understood by the improver because of the lack of interference by other people or tasks in their bond. Improvers are probably also most compatible with stabilisers. To be fair, stabilisers key trait is an ability to go with the flow and show people whatever it is that they think people want to see. A stabiliser will tolerate an improvers criticism and indulge in the negatives with them. They can also help each other become more organised with deliberation and plans, to declutter their lives and minds. Even if the plans go unachieved, they feel better having mentally tackled the issue mentally at least!

Con’s – Much like the connector, the improver wants to see the real self of the stabiliser. They want to feel like they really understand the truth of this person, but the stabiliser is only happy if the others around him or her are happy. This can lead to confusion for the stabiliser who is being as real as they are able and frustration and distrust for the improver who works tirelessly to earn the trust of the stabliser to see through the mask. The improver can be a little insensitive to the stabiliser and hurt them with their criticism.

Stabiliser + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – Stabilisers will never ever argue or fall out because neither is willing to risk upsetting the other. They are calm and peaceful and get along well. They probably always turn to each other when other’s let them down or fail to appreciate them as nobody understands the sacrifces as much as another stabiliser.

Con’s – Each finds their connection with the other unsatisfying. Neither is willing  to take the lead and nothing ever gets done. They like each other fine, but will probably get bored and repel each other a bit like magnets. They are both drawn to the magnetism of the other types and want to be lifting up the successful strong people of the world. They have little to offer each other except validation and understanding on how unappreciated they are.

Does any of this resonate with you? What type are you and who do you think you are most compatible with?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship personality types.

Ok, so I was looking up love languages, when I came across an article on www.yourauthenticpersonality.com. There is a quiz and everything, I encourage you to check it out. The article kind of ties in your love languages to your needs, strengths and weaknesses and outlines 4 basic personality types, and which love languages tend to exist within those personality types.  They are doers, connectors, improvers and stabilizers.

And it seems to make a lot of sense when you start to think. Doers are bold personality types, they get things done, are decisive and goal oriented and confident. They don’t hesitate to act. They can be impatient as they hate passivity and people who deliberate for too long or overthink. For this reason they can sometimes come off as blunt and insensitive. But they also can’t ask for help as they value independence and having agency. And they struggle to relax because they are so focussed on productivity to prove their value and earn status. They are career driven and enjoy a challenge as long as they still feel in control. They are competitive and organised and hate clutter and sluggishness. They don’t take orders well. They need praise and recognition of their achievements.

I have a doer friend. That means they keep busy doing things. But nobody has THAT much to do…. Unless they are often doing things for others. Caring for elderly or young family members, assisting colleagues at work, running errands for inlaws…. That is their way of expressing love and care. And it is often the doers of the world who feel under appreciated and overwhelmed because much of the time they are so busy doing things for others that they don’t feel like anybody is doing anything for them. Their own stuff is being neglected while they take care of everyone else. They also don’t feel acknowledged and celebrated. They want the world to know nothing would ever happen without them taking control and leading the way.

So the best way to take care of your doer friend, is to do things for them. Acts of service. Big and small. When you are at the shops, ask them if there is anything they need. These friends also probably appreciate words of affirmation and recognition. So when they do things for you, remember a card with some pretty words of thanks will fill them up and help them not feel taken advantage of. Or public displays of affection, physical or otherwise. My doer friend likes to feel rewarded with praise and gifts. It makes them feel like you thought of them and acknowledged how much they do for you and you wanted to get them a token of that appreciation. Big or small, it is genuinely the thought that counts. My doer friend struggles to ask for help, although accepts it somewhat willingly when offered. So if your friend is a doer, remember to offer instead of saying later “you should have asked.” They are unlikely to make you ask.

Then we have our connectors. If your friend is a connector, they are a social butterfly. They wear their heart on their sleeve and they aim to please. The more the merrier with this friend. They are positive and they form relationships through meaningful emotional relationships with almost everyone they meet. Because your connector friend is so friendly, they first and foremost crave words of affirmation. They will tell you exactly what you mean to them and appreciate the same in return. They need some amount of quality time, but this needn’t be in person. They like to know that they are valued, so they appreciate a little message that lets them know you thought of them, and they are thrilled even if it is just the exchange of jokes and memes on a regular basis because they love spreading joy. Similar to the doers, they also appreciate a gift but not because they are materialistic, although in some way doers and connectors do measure their worth to you via gifts, but mostly because they love knowing you either saw something and thought of them, or thought of them first and went out of your way to get something special. Doers don’t care as much what the item is, but connectors want to feel that the gift represents your close bond, so make it something thoughtful.  Connectors are also loving, so they are the type to offer a long hug or a cheeky smack on your rear. They crave physical touch for the simple reason that they love feeling connected and loved.

So if your friend is a connector, send them that funny video to let them know you think of them. Give them a meaningful gift and a card with warm words of affirmation and love, validating their value to you as a friend. And when you gift it to them, give them a big cuddle too. Listen when they talk to you, remember the details, follow up. Be someone they can turn to and someone they can count on. Never isolate them, always remember to reach out and never make them feel like they are too much. People give in the same ways they like to receive, so accept their gifts, don’t shy away from their touch and tell them you loved that meme they sent, and that they are the best. And if you feel lonely, reach out. Even if they don’t have time, they will connect you with someone that does! An occasional act of service, preferably offered will be appreciated, however not needed or expected. They are better at giving than receiving.

Next we have our improvers. If your friend is an improver, it is likely that their top love language is quality time. They always seek to be closer, to improve your connection, to make it deeper and make sure they fully understand you. But they also like order, tend to be less flexible and like to be in control. They will be the planners, and they will have planned for every outcome. They like science and maths because they don’t do well with grey areas and unclear expectations. They are overthinkers and will analyse every reaction of yours scanning for clues if they got it right or wrong. They prefer a few deep and meaningful connections than loads of superficial friends and don’t do well in groups. They are reflective, and like to correct their mistakes. It may seem like they are prone to focus on the negatives but that is because they want to be better. They don’t do well under pressure, they need time to think, to plan, to perfect. They need order and some solitude and things like art and music to help express their depth.

So if your friend is an improver, they need quality time. They are happy to instigate this, and want you to demonstrate trust by going along with their plans. Everything they do is carefully considered and words of affirmation will go a long way. If they see an area you can improve in, they are likely to tell you, however they are not great at acts of service. They will tell you how to improve and expect you to action it, and wont easily accept acts of service either as they like to fix things themselves. As they can be perfectionists, gifting is difficult for them. They don’t appreciate thoughtless gifts and would rather an experience building memories and time together. If they do get you a gift, they will be disappointed if it misses the mark of sentimentality. The best way to meet your friends need is to make the effort to be one of the trusted few in their inner circle, by offering time and attention, and like their imput and critical thinking is of benefit to you. If you create a safe space for them to be vulnerable it can be beautiful but otherwise they can be aloof, closed off, and even cold. They don’t trust easily, nor forgive easily, so attention not to be careless is paramount. They want to get it right, but they expect the same of you.

Last, but not least we have our stabilisers. Stabilisers are the glue holding us together, they are patient and observant, unassuming and quiet. They are conflict averse, hate changes and endings and prefer to find ways to keep everyone happy. They are humble, and diplomatic. They tend to be disorganised because they are singular minded and focussed, and often don’t assert themselves for fear of rocking the boat. They are relaxed and go with the flow. However sometimes they are so relaxed and unassuming that they can seem uncaring and disengaged. Similar to improvers, they like clear expectations and a slower paced relaxing life. They are great listeners.

So if your friend is a stabilizer, they are prone to feel unseen while they shine their light on everyone else. For this reason they need quality time. They want to listen to you, but nothing makes them feel happier than when you make time to listen in return, and hear the things they do not say. Because there is a lot they don’t say. They are over responsible and tend to carry other people’s problems. They will give acts of service and gifts to try and make you happy, and it will work if you shower them with words of affirmation that make them feel deeply seen and understood and not part of the background they so desperately try to blend into. They are tolerant and too forgiving, but that leads them to feeling used easily. What they really want is a quiet time together. A day spa date, a movie, a gift that demonstrates that you really see who they are and what they like. Give them attention and permission to shine, and they will shine their light all over you.

Which type are you? Do you see your friends in any of the other types?

Next week we will look at the compatibility of the pairings and the pros and cons of each!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are Favours The Fabric Of Friendship?

The more people I speak to, the more obvious it appears to me that many of us feel the biggest benefit of friendship is having someone, or someones to call on in our times of need. I’ll never forget the friend who described her idea of friendship to me as other nice mums who do things for each other. I have mentioned here before that I am not brilliant at acts of service as a love language and that is probably why that person and I parted ways eventually.

I think one of the reasons that I don’t value acts of service as much is because I don’t ask for too many. From friends especially! I can hear my mum making a mental list of all the favours I have indeed asked my parents for over the years. Thank you mum! I do appreciate it and am prepared to acknowledge all the help I have asked for and at times ungraciously accepted. Lol Maybe it is because I don’t work, but even in my working years I don’t feel I asked for a great deal of help! Although to be fair, I didn’t have kids then.

I can’t say why I haven’t needed much help. I wouldn’t describe myself as fiercely independent – I live pretty comfortably and happily off my husbands wage, and wouldn’t know how to fix a tyre or anything that involves tools. Maybe I am just fortunate that I have lived a fairly low profile and stable life. I haven’t moved around heaps, haven’t had to juggle motherhood and working, and have had parents in a position to assist me pretty much whenever I do need something.

But I tend to have attracted more chaotic friends, like the one mentioned above. The kind who has unstable relationships, tends to move house a lot, have financial difficulties or emotional struggles or are single working mothers who justifiably just can’t do it all alone and don’t have a strong support network outside of their friendship group.

Because I have attracted (or been attracted to) these sorts of people, there have been many favours asked of me, that have sometimes left a sour taste in my mouth. A few too many requests to watch their kids when I don’t need them to watch mine. Or a few too many requests for acts of service leaving me feeling exhausted while my requests for quality time go denied because nobody in chaos really has time for that perhaps!

But I think what realised as I was writing last weeks post about friendships and connection being motivating, was that favours are important to friendships, as long as you are getting and receiving in equal measure, your motivations aren’t questionable and you do feel like you work well as part of a team.

Last week I mentioned I was petsitting for my friends kitten. A task I was more than happy to volunteer for as I adore her kitten and have contemplated getting another one, so that was like a little trial to see how our current cat would adjust. The results are still out on that, perhaps a week wasn’t long enough… or perhaps I just can’t accept that the answer is that possum only thrives in a single cat household! However, that is also the same friend who installed a new tap for me a few weeks ago when she was over and my current tap just suddenly stopped working. I didn’t ask her to fix it, just as she didn’t ask me to pet sit. We just each said “let me help.”

Despite the fact that my friend is wonderful with kids, and great with my own kids, I have only ever asked her to babysit a handful of times because I feel others exploit her willingness and don’t include her in the adult fun. So instead of asking her to watch the kids when we go out, we ask her to come with us where we are going. And when she asks me to come do errands with her or whatever, she always makes sure it is even with quality time doing something fun and rewarding. As it is naturally reciprocal it works.

Nobody asks for too much, and each of us know the limits of the other. So while I still don’t agree that friendships are based upon favours, I do see how it can be a benefit of friendship without being friends with benefits! Haha I think the favours should be the result of the friendship though, not the reason.

I am certainly not friends with this person because she has the ability, time and willingness to fix my sink, that was just an added bonus. Nor is she exclusively friends with me for any favours I do for her. The main reason we are friends is because we enjoy spending time together, and I actually don’t think she has too many friends like that. Similar to me, I think she attracts many friends who believe that favours are the purpose of friendship and likely take way more than they give or offer.

My friend and I are probably drawn to these people for mental health reasons like needing to feel needed or having a hero/saviour complex etc…. It isn’t a coincidence that we each attract others like this into our orbit. However the reason we are close is because neither asks, expects or takes too much from the other. Neither one of us holds the ideal that receiving favours or giving them is a core of friendship, but rather being a team and doing what it takes along the way, within reason.

If you happen to be like many of my friends who are in a position to ask a little more than they would like (and I do understand nobody loves asking or leaning on others) then make sure you know what your friends love language is and that you are giving them that in equal measure. Because if your friend is like me, telling yourself you would repay the favour if they asked isn’t enough. If they don’t need acts of service, what do they need and how can you provide it?

Favours are not the fabric of friendship, even if they are a pretty design on the fabric. Any friendships built with the fabric of favours will disintegrate as soon as your needs change. Please keep in mind friendship is the benefit of friends, and favours are a limited bonus.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are Friendships Motivating?

In January my husband and I took the kids on a 10 day pacific cruise. It was wonderful and relaxing and exciting after all those years of cancelled cruises. For some people, cruising life is just too slow. But that is one of the things I enjoy about it! Lounging around, no commitments and no chores. Just worrying about where to eat. I was going to say when to eat, but you’re always eating on a cruise! Haha

We did however, fork out for the internet so we could keep up with the people at home. My mother is also an avid cruiser and she liked to hear about our daily adventures and see pictures. The kids could also keep in touch with their friends, and game with them, or watch their precious influencer videos! My husband could keep downloading endless books to read, or new phone games like suduko so he could win the morning challenge! Lol

So it’s a way to disconnect, while staying somewhat connected. I heard from the people I expected to hear from, while others were happy to wait for our return or just to like the pics on Facebook. However, towards the end of the cruise, I received a touching message from a close friend that simply said “I miss you.” It surprised me, if I am honest, and although touching, I didn’t quite know what to say. We were only gone for 2 weeks and I had been keeping in touch here and there….

Before I responded I paused to give thought to my friend and what might be going on for her. To be completely honest, my first thought was that this friend and I used to spend practically all the school holidays together. And while I always appreciated the support of my friend helping me entertain the children, especially when she does not have children of her own, it never occurred to me that I was also helping her in some way.

My friend is a teacher, and most of her work friends do have children. Many of them go away over the school holidays or socialise with each other and their kids. Most of my other friends work during the day including over the school holidays. So my friend never had to be lonely in the school holidays after she met me. It was mutually convenient and fulfilling. However, as the kids started to grow up, and as my friend had more nieces and nephews of her own, our time together over the holidays became less and less. Then my friend’s mother moved in with her and they bought a campervan and spent the holidays doing that.

I wont lie, the loss of my friend over the holidays, combined with the kids growing up and not wanting to do the fun things left me feeling lonely and unmotivated. Stuck in the house, I could have used that time to spring clean or organise, but the loneliness and quiet had me ruminating and then distracting myself with Netflix and snacks. I missed my friend terribly, but it never occurred to me to reach out and say so. I assumed she knew, as it came up often in conversation that I struggled over the holidays now. Maybe she never put 2 and 2 together and figured out that I no longer had a support system or someone there to make me feel less alone. And maybe she thought as the kids were older I no longer needed her.

This was probably the first time in years that I was the unavailable one while my friend sat around missing me! And it was kinda nice to know that she did miss me, even if the underlying fear was that it was only because she was bored and typically uses me as a last resort to overcome that issue. I told her it was nice to hear that I was missed, but asked her what was really going on, because she’s not the sentimental type. She said she didn’t really know, as she had heaps to do, but no motivation to do it.

It has long been a bug bear of mine that friends invite me to assist them organise their lives. Come and help me sort paperwork for my taxes, come and have a coffee while I do the ironing, come to the shops with me while I run some errands. I am someone who enjoys quality time, which I don’t tend to feel goes hand in hand with distractions by other things that do not need assistance by me. Nor supervision. I could be at home doing my own chores and errands, and I don’t ask you to come and sit with me while I do them…. That said, I don’t really do them, which is maybe my whole point.

Sometimes just having company, feeling less alone, motivates us to do the things we need to do, and makes them feel more bearable. If I was available, I probably could have gone to my friends house to assist her prepare for the return of school, making labels and classroom decorations. I could have helped her set up the room, went with her to buy supplies or made helpful suggestions. But without someone there to connect with, to help and to take an interest, or even just be there, my friend lacked motivation to do much at all.

And I am probably just the same. I don’t like the idea of inviting friends to help me organise the house, as I would much rather go out to the cinemas and lunch and avoid it altogether. Which doesn’t upset me as a messy house is just where I appear to feel comfortable. Whereas others cannot relax until it is done. I used to wonder if they never had thoughts and ruminations, but of course they do. Housework is either a distraction from it or something to do mindlessly while they ruminate. And having someone there is an effective strategy to stop this rumination. And I used it in the school holidays.

Planning outings for the kids and my friends everyday, made sure we were all connected, entertained and having a good time. But ever since my friend had kinda stopped hanging out with us on the holidays I lost motivation to do much at all. Which is fine with the kids, but it is insightful none the less. We need to feel connected to feel motivated. Loneliness and isolation prevent us from doing the things we need to do for ourselves and keep us focussed on those low feelings.

My friend and I discussed this and I told her I had been missing her on the holidays for years now, and it was nice to know she felt the same, but my missing her, and her missing me, wasn’t about the other person at all, it was deeper than that, it was about feeling safe and seen and connected and therefore motivated enough to do the things we each needed to do.

As I write this it is currently school holidays and my friend is away this time and I am at home and I am aware enough to know it isn’t her I miss. It’s the old times, the memories, and the motivation to get out and do fun stuff. Not that I have time to miss her this week anyway as I am babysitting her kitten and our own cat is not too pleased about this development so the kids and I are plenty motivated to referee the cat wars! So next time you are lacking motivation, ask yourself if it is time to phone a friend. Connection may be the key!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Things that make Friendship Sweeter than Easter and Eggs!

1. You can enjoy them all year round.

2. You don’t (usually) have to share your friends with your kids/colleagues/family.

3. You can celebrate friendship regardless of faith/religion/beliefs.

4. While they are moreish, 1 or 2 (or 5) is plenty.

5. You can have as many as you like, the more you have the healthier you feel!

6. If your friend is a good egg, they are sweet on the inside, but good for you.

7. Friendships have no expiration date. (Not visible ones anyway!)

8. Quality friendships are free, if chosen wisely.

9. Nobody has to pretend to be a rabbit, or anything else that they aren’t! You can just be yourself!

10. Friends can share the chocolate, twice the fun and half the calories!

HAPPY EASTER READERS! HOPE YOU CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS!

Fun Friendly Easter Hunt

Okay, okay, I know we have a few weeks yet til Easter. I know you don’t want to think about it yet and you were annoyed when those hot cross buns started hitting the shelves straight after new year! I get it, honestly, I do. But the reason I am posting this now, is because it takes a bit of preparation to do an awesome easter hunt!

You might use these ideas for your kids or your family, but the best group to do this for is your peers! That way clues can be personal or amusing or adults only themed for a laugh, or they can be hard. If you do a kiddy version the clues have to be easier and less intensive. But it is of course up to you.

It’s the kind of activity where it is easier to work backwards. So you might hide a big egg or box of chocolates or whatever in a locked treasure chest, or even a suitcase used as a treasure chest. Then you place it very clearly in the room with a note on top outlining their quest to find the key or code. The note should contain some sort of clue. Example “Start at the place with windows and space, where you can enter and escape, but there are no doors.” (The answer is keyboard so that will take them to the keyboard where you can place your next clue.)

an example of a clue to start

It is up to you if you want to leave a little chocolate there, or make all the clues chocolate related. You can use props if you have them like diaries with keys that need to be found to unlock the next clue, children’s toy safe’s that need codes to be figured out to be opened. You can be creative and use balloons as colour codes or riddles for codes instead of clues. You can use puzzle boxes and trick locks and all sorts of fun cool tools to take it more to escape room level.

Another great idea is to use google forms to generate the questions so that they have to type in the answers. Beware though if you choose this option it is extremely case sensitive so one word answers are best. You then create a QR code that takes them to each clue to submit their answers. There are plenty of freeqr code generators. This is fun, but time consuming, and I recommend a practise run so you can troubleshoot any mistakes!

They might find a balloon in one place, with a qr code, which eventually takes them to another balloon – but at one puzzle the code might be colours so the answers will depend on them remembering which order they found the balloons, or they might have numbers on the balloons for example.

I find it helpful to draw a kind of flow chart, which starts at point a, has a reference to the clue at point B, then flows to point C etc… And if you are using QR codes, you can literally place them anywhere, like at the park down the road or under the table at the restaurant, even if you only subtly stick it there yourself when you arrive.

Clues can range from personal such as “what year was I born?” so you can get to know each other better or test your knowledge, to riddles where the answer might be “tissue” and then the next clue is in the tissue box. They can have a theme, such as all risqué clues and riddles, or all about a certain topic, movie or era.

Some idea’s I have used in the past include hiding small keys inside frozen heart ice blocks, using a kids toy jewellery box that you create a colour code to open, a diary where you need a password to open it. I have done red white and green balloons with numbers on them and a clue about the Italian flag, so they had to put the colours in order to get the code. I have used luggage locks both with a key and with a code. I have used puzzles so they have to solve the puzzle to get the answer. I have used mirror text clues, and picture clues and word maze clues.

I have had endings where the key is actually in my coat pocket, or their handbag for example all along. I have done ones in the house and ones on the road where I plant the codes as we go, if we are going from place to place.

I have even usually got hints, that are also clues and riddles, though easier to solve. Some clues have rhymed, some are timed, some are blind! (Braille)

What helps is thinking about where you want to sequence the clues, and then thinking of riddles or things that will bring them to that spot.. So if you want the second clue location to be mailbox, you can find a clue where the answer is mailbox and then place a locked diary in the mailbox with a qr or clue on top that will tell them to leave no stone unturned in searching for the key. Because maybe you have placed a key inside a fake stone at the foot of the mailbox or in the stone garden? Once they find the key, they can open the diary and that contains a clue for the meter box maybe. Anywhere you like!

Phones and chargers can be good for this, just set them so that when they crack the code, the lock screen or screen it opens to is the next clue, and for added effect, have the phone be dead. Then at some point they find a charger, and later on they find a phone and they know they have to plug it in to get the answer.

It’s really fun, it puts the magic back in easter and you get to be like big kids again hunting for eggs left by the easter bunny! But it does take planning, and then you know the answers. But don’t let that fool you. Sometimes it is MORE satisfying for the people who set up the hunt than those doing it!

Have fun with this, and let me know how it goes! I would love any new tips or tricks to try with my friends and family too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happiest 40th Birthday To You, Schmoo! xx

Well readers, someone very special to me is about to turn 40 somewhere in the next 24 – 48 hours. This person is a lot of things in my life, and is often my muse. This poem post is for you Schmoo.

Sometimes you’re my child,
As I spoil you with gifts,
Sometimes you’re my counsellor,
When I’m plagued with “What If’s?”

Sometimes your my mother,
Pulling me back in line,
Sometimes you’re my teacher,
New life lessons all the time.

Sometimes you’re my lightness,
When my world feels heavy and dark,
Sometimes you’re my jester,
When I’ve lost my spark.

Sometimes you’re my cheerleader,
Encouraging me along,
Sometimes you’re the only place,
Where I feel like I belong.

Sometimes you’re my enemy,
As harsh words fly back and forth,
Sometimes you’re my teammate
As together we’re quite the force.

Sometimes you’re my lover,
Because who doesn’t like to flirt,
Sometimes you’re the main meal,
Although we both prefer dessert.

Sometimes you’re my handyman,
Rocking up with all your tools,
Sometimes you’re my clown,
As we roll around like fools.

Sometimes you’re my date,
We always have such fun,
Sometimes you’re my punching bag,
When I need to hurt someone.

Sometimes you’re my caretaker,
When I am feeling down,
Sometimes you’re my nanny,
When I am out of town.

Sometimes you’re my cleaner,
Because I’m such a mess,
Sometimes you’re my pawn,
In life’s game of chess.

Sometimes you’re my pet,
Providing love and support,
Sometimes you’re my energy,
When I’m running short.

Sometimes you’re my distraction,
When life is all too much,
Sometimes you’re my drug,
When I need a crutch.

Sometimes you’re my muse,
When I’m feeling uninspired,
Sometimes you’re my downer,
When I’m feeling far too wired.

Sometimes you’re my water,
Sustaining all my life,
Sometimes we’re so close,
We call each other wife.

Sometimes you’re my map,
When I’m feeling lost,
Sometimes you’re my director,
When I need a boss.

Sometimes you’re my blanket,
When I’m feeling cold.
Sometimes you’re my sister,
When I need a hand to hold.

Sometimes you’re my tissue,
When I just need to cry,
Sometimes you’re my motivator,
Willing me to try.

Sometimes you’re my love,
When it’s got no place to go,
Sometimes you’re my yes,
When you’d much rather be a no.

Sometimes you’re my safety net,
When I’m feeling scared,
Sometimes you’re my mirror,
When my soul is bared.

Sometimes you’re my diary,
All my secrets shared,
Sometimes you’re my escape,
When I’m pulling out my hair.

Sometimes you’re my dancefloor,
When I want to bust a move,
Sometimes you’re my jumpstart,
When I’ve lost my groove.

Sometimes you’re my youth,
When I’m feeling naughty,
Sometimes you’re my oldest friend,
Especially now you’re 40!

Sometimes you’re my everything,
Other times you’re not.
Every time you are my friend,
The best one that I’ve got!

Thank you for your friendship
I hope it never ends,
I know I am your sometimes too,
Because we are best friends.

Happy Freaking 40th, my Fabulous Fantastic Friend. I know I am very fortunate to call you a friend. Every. Single. Time.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Thank you for being whale beneath my wings!! hahahaha <3

To buy this painting head to https://www.icanvas.com/canvas-print/elephant-on-whale-coc36#1PC6-40x26

How to cope after the Fri-Ending.

Well readers, most of my loyal fans and followers found this site when they went through a friendship break up, dumping or ghosting. So I hope it helps to know you are not alone. However, what would help more perhaps, was some tips on coping and surviving this unique heartbreak.

I don’t want to mislead you into thinking any of this will be easy… it won’t be. It will take work, you will fall off the healing wagon at times and take as many backwards steps as forwards ones initially…. But as time goes on, and your heart slowly heals, you will start making so much progress you barely notice any more. I know that is hard to believe right now.

And that is ok, because the first step is the most natural one. Allow yourself to be sad. Don’t tell yourself it is silly or stop yourself from talking about this or it will weigh on you longer and fester. Let it all out. Find a trusted person to talk to or even a therapist and listen to your heart as it bleeds out the pain. Talk about how betrayed you feel, how angry, hurt, sad and confused you are.

It will be hard not to dwell on what happened or why, and accept that you may never know why. Try to refrain from blaming yourself. If you had said or done something to upset or hurt your friend, and they wanted you to fix the issue, they could have brought it up with you. At this point it was their choice not to. And you have to respect that this is their choice to make and their boundary to draw, even if you don’t understand why.

Of course, you may have been the one to instigate the break, or maybe it was mutual. This advice still stands for you as I know it still hurts just as much. It’s just that you are less likely to get hung up on the why’s, as you probably have a fair idea already. And when you don’t know why, it is easier to hate and blame yourself.

Either way this is unproductive. It doesn’t matter why, because if they wanted you to apologise or fix it or be better, they would have offered you that opportunity. As they haven’t, all you can do is know you would have tried, if you’d understood the problem, and accept they didn’t want to try. You can’t control this, but it can help you stop blaming yourself. It is ok to be angry about this and feel it is unjust!

That said, as you explore these issues, if you do contemplate things you may have said or done, or didn’t say and do, that may have contributed to the split, be open to exploring those, and using them as tools to reflect on how to be better in the future. Not being defensive and justifying those actions, but thinking of ways you could handle things differently in the future. You weren’t perfect, nobody is, so if there are things you could work on, it makes sense to try, so you don’t end up in this predicament again!

Once you feel you have talked it out (preferably to impartial persons not common friends as this puts them in a very uncomfortable and difficult position) start focussing on your health. Redirect your thoughts away from them as much as possible and onto yourself. How to look after yourself, be that exercise more, eat healthily, have more time with your family, rest more, and do more things you enjoy. It is important to start feeling good about yourself again, before you embark on the next step.

Which is putting yourself back out there and getting social again with other people. New friends, old friends, family friends. It is ok to start smiling again and realising that you are going to be ok. You can have fun and friendships still, and you will be happy, one day at a time. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, you will think about this person less, and it won’t hurt anymore when you do think of them.

Which is when you know you have reached the final stage. This involves acceptance and forgiveness. This means you have reached a point where you understand their choice was about themselves and not yourself. That although you think you would have handled things differently, you know that this was their capacity, and you forgive them for not being better.

It doesn’t mean running into them won’t sting, or that you will be able to be mature and say hello. I hope you can, however, pretending you didn’t see each other to keep the peace is acceptable too. What it means, is that you no longer feel a need for answers, that if you hear about them through mutual friends, you feel happy for them, or nothing much at all, and you just think of them as someone you used to know.

The most important thing, apart from not blaming yourself, is to not involve mutual friends. Especially if you want to hold on to those connections. People instinctively want to stay out of these sorts of drama’s that aren’t their business and will pull away from anyone who tries to drag them into it. Similarly, they will not appreciate feeling pressured to take sides. So if you do happen to have a wide network of extended friends, then the best you can do is to tell them that you and your ex friend are not on good terms right now, so you would appreciate that topic of conversation being avoided, and that you respect their connection with the other person. This is applicable no matter which party you are. Neither should rally the troops against the other.

If it happened to be a group friendship… prepare yourself for the trips or nights out that don’t include you on social media. Unfollow anyone posting that stuff and refrain from looking it up yourself. It will only hurt you. The mature approach is to remind yourself that of course these friends will still catch up, and it is best for everyone that you both aren’t there. But there is no reason you can’t coordinate your own get togethers without them either. If the group are interested in maintaining both friendships, this shouldn’t be a problem. If they aren’t, then you have your answer and you move on quietly with your dignity intact!

I will close this post the same way I opened it. You are not alone. It is hard to talk about friendship endings as there is no real language, but it hurts and your feelings are still valid. The reason this blog exists is because I have been through it. So I know you will get through it too, even though I know you will have times that you don’t know how this could be true!

If you’re going through this right now, I truly am sorry. Whatever age or stage of life you are in, this happens to the best of us. There is no way to know if you will ever be friends again, but just know you will be ok whatever happens in the end.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends who love and accept you, just the way you are.

I have posted before about making friends with people who bring out the best in you, and being mindful of the fun, but also dark friendships that tend to maybe bring out the worst in you too. I stand by those posts, however, today I want to talk about the friends who always love and accept you just the way you are.

These are the friends who know your new year’s resolution is always to hit the gym, but they don’t love you any less, if you don’t do it. They certainly encourage you if you do. They do not sabotage you. But if you decide not to stick with it, they don’t pressure you either. It is your life and they are not invested in the change, because they love you either way.

These are the friends who know you have a short temper when you are stressed, but they still give you the honest truth when it isn’t what you want to hear, and don’t hate you if you get cranky about it. They’re not your punching bag, but they also understand sometimes you get mad, and they aren’t scared off by that, or by you. They love you, all of you, the pro’s and cons.

These are the friends who support you when you need it. They listen to you and validate your feelings even when they are a bit extreme and the ones who help you when you are in a bind, just because they can, not because they get anything out of it.

These are the friends who are not embarrassed when you order a hot chocolate because you don’t like coffee or the friends who dance with you on the dance floor even though you are as unco-ordinated as a baby giraffe!

These are the friends who sit with you when you are sad and don’t tell you not to be sad. They don’t tell you everything is going to be ok. If they can’t help you fix it, they sit with you until you are ready to smile again.

These are the friends who laugh with you even when you aren’t that funny, and not at you when other people are laughing at you. They cry with you too.

These are the friends who don’t call you needy or insecure, but ask you how they can better meet your needs so you can feel more secure. They offer reassurance when you need it and care enough to try.

These are the friends who read you like a book. They tell you that you are just predictable, but nothing is predictable without first spending time observing and investing in it. They have invested.

These are the friends who hang out with you when you are broke, who are happy to just go for a drive or sit on your couch and watch tv. The friends with whom the silence is comfortable.

These are the friends you can talk about anything and everything with. They wont judge you when you have horrible spiteful thoughts and wont care if you have your pyjamas on. They have seen you dressed up and dressed down and they always have a positive word to say.

These are the friends that are there for you no matter the weather. They have lasted more than a season and seem to be beyond reason. They just like you, no matter what.

These are the friends that proudly tag you on social media, and celebrate your connection publicly, and the ones who like and follow all your stuff no matter how random or boring it is to other people.

These are the friends who know your family and make an effort with them.

These are the friends who notice when you are quiet and reach out to see if you are ok.

These are the friends who know when you are not ok even if you don’t say so.

These are the friends who don’t stomp on your dreams and always find ways to include themselves in your future. They grow with you not from you. These are also the friends who try to understand your past.

If you have friends like these, you have all the friends you need.

I hope you have friends like these. Thank you to mine. You know who you are!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Backwards Step… Moving from more than friends and back again!

Hey loyal readers, as you know, in February we focussed on the friendzone and getting out of it, then last week we talked about how to move your friendship into romantic territory if the confessed feelings were reciprocated and you ventured into new exciting territory. However, as you may well have discovered, the fantasy doesn’t always live up to the reality. So what happens if one of you decides that actually, you were better off as platonic friends? Is there any way back to where you were?

There is good news and bad news here. First of all, it might depend on if this decision was mutual. If you happened to be the person longing for your friend romantically for quite some time, and then all your dreams came true when they said yes… if they then changed their mind, my goodness that will hurt. It will not be easy to transition back into platonic territory. The hurt party may need some space and that in itself can be a true test of friendship.

Friendships are hard to maintain when one person actively needs space from the other, as it has no definite ending and it leaves both of you feeling disconnected and a bit uncertain, so it is easy for not talking for a while can turn into never talking again. For that reason, it is important to try and check in with one another from time to time to show you do care, you are thinking of them and do want to remain friends when both of you are ready. 12 months is a pretty good time frame to take to focus on yourselves and other relationships and allow wounds to heal.

Whether or not you take any space, it will be important to spend less time together. You cannot simply hang out the way you used to and think lack of physical intimacy will be enough. You can’t continue to be each other’s go to person. You can’t be each other’s plus one, even if you used to be before when and if you were friends before you started a romantic relationship. That said, physical intimacy needs to end too. You must maintain clear boundaries.

Boundaries around emotional connection, physical connection, financial connection and time spent all need to be firm. In a past post about moving from friendship to romance, I suggested if you had always watched horror movies on Friday nights for example that you continue to do so. However, in this situation, it is important to break those habits and not continue to do things that you have always done. You need to start breaking apart, and then building a brand new friendship.

It is unlikely you can be close immediately, you will need to be sensitive about certain information, for example if either of you either start dating anyone, or if one is seemingly doing better than the other. Space, boundaries and sensitivity, and starting again slowly and getting to know each other again, all mean that you cannot just “stay friends.”

A break up hurts people, it changes them. So you might not cope the same, you might not recognse each other and you cannot stop each other from growing by insisting that you stay close or stay who you are. If you are really going to  be friends, you each have to feel free to be as you are and grow, while feeling that your friend has no attachment to you being a certain way or expectation of the friendship.

Then, as time goes on you have to create enough space for new partners to come and go, and respect their feelings about you remaining close with your ex. It is ok to stay friends, however if time with your partner is not prioritised because you are always with the ex, and holding space for them and their problems, then the emotional intimacy has not dissipated enough for you to move on.

Essentially, in time this is important. You cannot bounce back to each other as some sort of emotional back up plan, or stand in each other’s way of finding a fulfilling relationship. You cannot block each other from moving on, and that can happen unintentionally if you try to stay too close for comfort.

So if you want to take space and grow a new friendship, that is wonderful. However if you want to hold on incase you never find someone better, hedge your bets so to speak or are frightened to let go because some sort of dependence has developed… you probably can’t stay friends. Because people aren’t security blankets. If you have chosen not to be together, then at least for a time, don’t be.

Then you can grow a beautiful friendship and you might be glad you did. It isn’t impossible, but it does take time, forgiveness, understanding, space, willingness, intent and patience. And often, for someone, swallowing of ego and pride. Only you will know if it is worth the time and effort this takes. And either way, one day, it will be ok, no matter how hard and awkward and painful and scary it might all feel as you navigate it.

Remember, this was a risk you took when you deviated from the platonic path to begin with to explore a romantic relationship. There are no guarantees. But you decided it was worth the risk, so now it’s time to see if that is true! Good Luck.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx