Last week we spoke about my experiences with employing a friend, and how although I do not regret the decision, it has it’s complications. This week I want to talk about the financial crisis many of us around the world are facing in 2023 and how this may mean some of us are feeling like we can no longer afford our friends!
Friendship is free, as they say, but sometimes that doesn’t really seem to be the case at all does it? Because friends tend to be the people we go out with socially! Girls nights out for movies and mixers? Yes please. Coffee and cake catch up’s? Of course! Boozy beer garden Sunday afternoon’s? Why not? Getting your nails or your hair done together is just more fun, right?
We can sit home on the couch in front of the television any night of the week, so typically we use our friends as excuses to get out and do something fun. But something fun is hardly ever something free is it? Nope. Even when you choose something cheapish like the local café coffee and cake special for $10, you soon find yourself ordering lunch after the catch up lingers past morning and into midday. Or you say you’ll go for a stroll, window shopping at the local markets, but before you know it you’ve bought several things you didn’t need. Or you get bargain cheap movie tickets, but then can’t resist the overpriced popcorn and confectionary and a large drink, telling yourself it’s basically free as you got the cheap tickets.
These things happen relatively easily even if you are both on the same financial page and prefer to stay frugal. But what is happening right now, is that some people have been more badly impacted than others by the financial strain, raising interest rates, fuel and grocery expenses. So some people are finding that they really can’t afford that extra $50 a week play money, while their friends may be in better positions financially and are still inviting them to the weekly Sunday brunch.
It can be awkward to say you can’t afford to go, so it is tempting to overspend and try to figure out how to pay the rising credit card debt later, particularly if your friends don’t seem to be talking about the struggle as though it isn’t happening at all. Inadvertently this lack of communication can imply pressure to keep up with the Joneses!
This can cause self esteem issues, as the person who has less disposable income questions their life choices and wonders if they are doing something wrong to be impacted when their friends aren’t. It’s easy enough to come up with an excuse or 2 to miss a brunch here or there, but as the financial situation has been increasingly worse for many of us for nearly a year now, at some point this could cause friction in your friendship group.
Your friends may start to wonder if they have upset you when you never see them anymore, completely unaware that you’re really struggling and perhaps suffering some level of shame as a result.
I would suggest that instead of finding excuses not to go to Sunday brunch, perhaps make suggestions to change things up a bit, and invite the gang over for a bring a plate lunch at your place instead, or other work arounds that mean you can still participate, without mentioning money.
However, at the end of the day, I would hope that you could discuss money with your friends! I know it is a personal topic and closely linked to our values, as what we value is where we spend. But true friends discuss personal things all the time! That is one of the best bits of friendship! Giggling over embarrassing stories, or sharing joy, excitement, pain or grief. Money should be no different.
At the end of the day, as adults we know we are all in unique financial situations. One friend might be the CEO of some multi million dollar company, while another is a freelance artist. One might be married but dependent on his or her spouse financially and one may be on government benefits to get by. We don’t make friends based on how much money they have, and nor should we have to go looking for friends in similar wage brackets to keep things comfortable. Money changes, but people don’t change that much.
If you are struggling with money, I feel you should sit your friends down and say that things are tight for you right now, but you don’t want to miss out on valuable time together, so could you change the plans to keep within budget. The conversation is the same if it is over coffee or cocktails, or caviar or a casual backyard bbq.
Your friends may misinterpret this as a request for charity, or they may well meaningly offer to cover you until you find your financial feet again, but I advise you against taking on this offer and instead reiterate that it is the affection that matters, not the activity, and you’d hope they still want to see you without all the fanfare.
At the end of the day, we do use our friends as an excuse to go out and have fun, but we shouldn’t make excuses not to see friends just because it might not be out and about. Friendship is fun, time together is what you make it and that is what matters. Any friends who exit stage left at the first sign of frugal, weren’t well aligned with you anyway.
It comes back to what I said about values – if they really only valued the activities and you happened to be the person they went with, then you valued friendship and they valued fun. It doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it just means it was a mismatch. I have a friend who took on a mortgage to help her brother. I don’t think I would do this and yet she jumped straight into it without hesitation, no matter the cost to her, as she values family so much. Obviously this has no baring on our friendship, she can do what she likes and if she needs to be frugal as a result I respect that, although I can’t say I understand it. But what I do understand is that if we have plans and her family calls, she will accommodate them first and foremost.
Misalignments don’t always mean you can’t be close friends, but they do mean you need to be aware of your friends values to know what to expect, and if you aren’t sure what they value, watch where they spend their money! Not everyone values friendships the same amount, and even that is ok, but they need to value you enough to handle difficult personal conversations and accommodate your needs.
Frugal friendships can still be rich folks!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
