Ok, the last 4 episodes of this blog, if you can call them that, was a fictional story about 2 friends, Liz and Pam, who come to blows when Liz falls in love and can no longer meet Pam’s expectations of friendship. I am willing to bet we all have that one friend who loses herself in romance and kind of drops her friends like hot potatoes. And anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a dumping knows, it hurts! You do feel used and disposable and not good enough. But just because you do feel that way, doesn’t mean the other person intended to make you feel that way, or actually made you feel that way.
Which tends to be where things can get a bit confusing, can’t it readers? I get so many questions about this topic in particular, sometimes from the forgotten friends, and sometimes from the long lost lovers. The story is pretty much always the same. The forgotten friends feel, well, forgotten, and the long lost lovers feel their friend’s expectations of them haven’t adjusted to allow for the new relationship and they want things to just stay the same when a big change has happened.
It was the same with Liz and Pam. So they had time apart, and even more things changed. But this time, for the better. Let’s look at some of the things each woman accepted accountability for.
Liz realized their whole friendship had been somewhat centered around herself, her family, her dating, her drama’s, her other friendships, and that she was often dismissive of Pam when she tried to exist in their friendship. Liz never really asked about Pam, always expected her to be available whenever Liz wanted or needed and Liz had accused Pam of being jealous and insecure, when the truth was, she had also felt jealous of Pam, and later in the story felt insecure when Pam had made new friends in her absence. She kind of liked that Pam had no real life of her own… until it was inconvenient for Liz when she met Dan. At the end of the story, Liz wondered if Pam even still had room for their friendship in her new life, and she realized that this is exactly how Pam must have felt when she announced her engagement to Dan. She finally understood that for 2 years, Pam had stood by and watched helplessly as Liz replaced her with Dan, and made no real time or effort to still offer any attention and be there for Pam.
Similarly, Pam also made some reflections. She wasn’t in a good place at the time of the engagement, and she hadn’t actually disclosed any of that to Liz, so how was she supposed to understand how hurt and triggered Pam was. She had never told Liz that she felt replaced, and reflected that at best she was passive aggressive about things, like mentioning food poisoning when Liz gushed about naked pancakes in her kitchen that first date with Dan. She blamed Liz for abandoning her, instead of taking accountability for the fact that her life was small. She had allowed Liz to fill the gaps in her life, and came to expect her to continue to do so. She reflected she didn’t really have friends of her own, or any hobbies really. None of that was Liz’s fault, and yet, when she felt alone, she misdirected that anger at Liz. But in reality she had to change her own life to be happier and more fulfilled.
Time apart was essentially good, and maybe even essential for these friends, as it gave them the chance to miss one another and decide they really did want to reconcile and be better friends to one another. Pam had time to implement changes in her life, and move on from the rut that had become of her friendship with Liz. While Liz had time to cool off, and remember the reasons she did actually value Pam once all the pressure and tension was gone. She also needed time to reflect on the more selfish aspects of her personality and how it played out toxically in their friendship. She needed time apart to realise that she didn’t really know Pam, because she hadn’t tried to know. She expected Pam to be there for her, but she hadn’t returned the favour.
Their reconciliation doesn’t focus on apologies or hashing over the past, but instead on change, moving forward and how to be different together, to build a new friendship, instead of trying to continue on as they were. Liz realized she would now need to share Pam as she expanded her life to include new people and things, and that she would need to make more effort to spend quality time just the 2 of them together so they could actually talk and share intimately. Pam realized Liz was perfectly entitled to live her life and fall in love, and that it was unrealistic to expect things wouldn’t change. Of course Liz would prefer romantic weekend getaways to platonic ones, and would like to spend quality alone time with her partner after they both worked a long day. That she had used Liz to fill a void in her life but it was never Liz’s responsibility to fill it in the first place. She had done so well and willingly, but without realizing the burden of expectation for this to continue.
So each woman had to take ownership of her flaws and the role she played in the demise of their friendship. Each had to forgive the other, and move on, let the grievances go, and this wasn’t possible until they each addressed themselves and got healthier. Once they had done the work on themselves, none of it mattered anymore. Anger passed, as it does, turning to sadness.
I once read a quote that spoke to me. It said “when someone says I hate you, they really mean you hurt me.” The women could have stayed friends all along if they had been willing to communicate. But each thought the other would judge her and be angry. So then they created that exact situation. Pam should have said to Liz early on “I still need some girl time with you, there are things I want to discuss without Dan, when you can fit me in please?” And Liz should have said “I feel jealous that you were promoted and I wasn’t. I’m left behind.” Each woman needed comfort and reassurance from the other but expected each other to be psychic about what they were feeling, wanting and needing.
In the end they split because each had needs that were not being met, and neither communicated those needs calmly. But in the end it doesn’t matter what they should have done, because it worked out. Space did meet their needs, I suppose, and they got to decide it was a break and not an ending. Of course, this has to be a mutual decision, and someone has to be brave enough to go first. Pam went first, but Liz wasn’t ready. However, then at least Liz knew Pam might be receptive when and if she was.
Makes you think, doesn’t it? It could have been over forever, but they were brave enough in the end that it wasn’t. Are you?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
