Last week we read Liz’s story, about how she fell in love with the man of her dreams, and it seemed Pam was unsupportive, jealous, possessive and unable to be happy for someone she had called her best friend for 10 years. (If you missed the first instalment, click here for Liz is in Love.)
Pam had always been quiet, shy and reserved, but somehow over their time working together and climbing the ranks together at the local paper, Liz had really brought her out of her shell. Previous to this she had 2 close friends. One she had known since her school days, whom she saw about once a month for a catch up and one she had met when she was studying journalism, but who had moved away, and probably only saw once or twice a year, although they did exchange long emails too from time to time.
She hadn’t even noticed her loneliness until Liz came along and brightened her world. She used to finish work, go home to her cat, heat up a microwave dinner and eat it in bed by 6.30pm. She would watch tv until 8.30pm, read until 9pm then turn in for the night and do it all again the next day. She saw her parents on Saturdays and filled her Sunday’s by selling home made jewellery at the early morning markets, then doing her grocery shopping and returning to her quiet house to make more jewellery. Once a month or so, on a Sunday evening, her old school friend would pop over to watch a movie and catch up on the gossip. Loyalty was important to her, so she never saw Liz on that monthly Sunday evening, and always made time to respond to her other friends emails and made time for her when she was in town.
Still, her world was small….. But once she met Liz, she was invited to big family barbeques, girls Sunday brunches, weekends away, and endless phone calls about the latest man drama. Liz’s drama, mostly. Pam wasn’t the type men seemed to notice, unless they wanted to ask for advice on how to charm Liz! She didn’t really mind though, as they had wildly different tastes in men anyway. Liz liked the tall, dark, handsome, confident and charming types, with muscles and beards and a chiseled jawline. Pam preferred funny men, tall and lanky, with a beachy long blonde hair, or nerdy, some would say.
Liz was always dating, but Pam wasn’t exactly single. She wasn’t exactly not single, either, though. She had been seeing Ben on and off for years, more casually than she would prefer. She was madly in love with him, but he only seemed to notice when it suited him. She was certain he would eventually see the error of his ways and realise everything he had ever dreamed of was right in front of him, and once he did, she assumed he would be so grateful for her patience during their early romance, that it would be worth the wait and the sacrifice. She didn’t talk about him too much because Liz would get angry and insist she deserved better, but Liz didn’t understand, Pam loved Ben, and she wanted it to work. Besides, there wasn’t always more fish in Pam’s section of the sea!
Ben typically made his way into Pam’s inbox, then straight into her bed on Tuesday evenings. She wasn’t sure why, but she liked the regularity of it, and the predictability. Occasionally he would throw her for a loop and ask to come on a Saturday, sometimes he would even stay the night. Oh how she loved those nights wrapped in his arms. She knew he loved her, but he wasn’t ready to commit. Usually he was out with the boys, and he enjoyed knowing in his absence, Pam was just as happy with Liz and the girls. He never asked her not to go on weekends away for example, and Pam enjoyed the ease and freedom their simple relationship offered.
With Liz in her life, she reasoned she didn’t need more. Marriage and kids weren’t essential, although she had thought she would be a mother by 30! But it wasn’t to be, although it played on her mind more and more as the years ticked by after that.
She wondered if that was her biological clock ticking louder, or if she just heard it more after Liz met Dan. Because suddenly he was the one invited on weekends away and to the family barbeques, and Pam realized her life was smaller and quieter. But at least she was still included in the Sunday Brunches with the girls, and she had been promoted at work finally, which kept her more busy too. She still worked at a desk next to Liz, but was often out of the office chasing bigger stories. She tried not to talk about that too much either, as she didn’t want Liz to feel left behind. In fact, she mostly listened when they talked, about Liz’s dating life, about Liz’s frustrations with work, about Liz’s family, and Liz’s dreams for her future! Pam was just happy that there seemed to be a place for her in the imagined picture really.
When things got serious with Dan, Pam talked to Ben about getting pregnant. He vanished. Pam tried to cry to Liz about it, but Liz was unsympathetic, saying she was better off without him. When Pam said she felt cheated as she had always wanted to be a mother, Liz said she couldn’t travel for work if she had a baby and to look at the bright side. So when Pam started trying IVF with donor sperm, she didn’t tell Liz. It might not work anyway.
It didn’t. So Pam found herself spiraling into a depression. She did take pills for it, but happiness was out of reach. She was single and alone and always would be. Not only that, but she felt Dan had replaced her in Liz’s life and she had just been a stand in, some sort of place holder for the real thing, to be tossed aside when something better came along.
So when she saw the ring on Liz’s finger, a lump formed in her throat. Not only was Liz looking at the future she had dreamed for herself, it also cemented her fears that she was alone, forgotten, unwanted and disposable. These emotions took her by surprise, as she knew the appropriate social reaction was not the one she felt bubbling inside her. She would have to tell Liz, that she missed her terribly, and worried there would be no room for her with the only person with whom she felt she easily belonged. She made a note to ask Liz to come over for dinner so they could talk, she would tell her about the IVF and how lonely and depressed she was feeling, and she would do it next week.
But Liz didn’t wait, she felt the tension from Pam and pulled her aside. It wasn’t how Pam wanted the conversation to happen, but she could not hide her emotions any longer. She had hoped Liz would soften, hug her, and reassure her that there would always be a seat at the table for Pam, no matter who else was at the table too. That’s what she needed. Instead, Liz was cold, harsh, mean and yet again, dismissive. She had called Pam jealous, but Pam wondered if it was Liz who was jealous, of her promotion, her freedom, the big exciting stories and a path of independence.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she left the brunch that day, but as she turned back to the group, nobody had noticed her departure or her tears. Liz was happily curled back into Dan’s arms giggling and gossiping. Pam felt stupid to believe she was ever really a member of a group of popular girls. She was never a member, only a desperate sad groupie. She wondered what they would say about her now she was exiled. She knew it didn’t matter, especially if Liz was leaving the office anyway.
Thinking back to her comments about being a maid of honour at Liz’s wedding, she now wondered if she’d even be invited. Probably not…..
And just like that, it was over. But did it have to be? Could they have worked this out? Could they still? Tune in next week to find out.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
