The order of things.

There is a GIRL CODE order for EVERYTHING! haha 

I have a friend who is currently going through a big life change. She contacted me to arrange a catch up, saying she had something she needed to talk to me about. Although I had a fair idea already what the issue was going to be, was still somewhat surprised when she broke the news. I asked her if this was confidential information.

Sharing confidences seems to me an integral part of female friendship. There is something special about feeling trusted at this level about personal ideas, issues and happenings of the life of a close friend. Also, when you share friends in common, the last thing you want to be doing is gossiping! This can be a tricky circumstance to navigate! On the one hand, the person entrusting you with the information expects that you will not be sharing it with the others, however some of the others will be upset to learn you knew and never said anything. What you share, with whom, and equally what you choose not to share, can really dictate where your loyalties lie. This is true whether you intended it to be or not!

Thankfully, my friend indicated that it wasn’t really confidential information, because everyone was going to find out soon enough anyway, but she wanted me to be one of the first to know, out of respect for our close friendship. She didn’t want me to hear it as secondhand information from someone else. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t deny that this meant something to me. Perhaps my friend just knows, understands and accommodates, how “sensitive” I can be to these perceived signs… but I don’t think I am alone in feeling this way. I would have been hurt not to hear it from her, even though I knew it was coming.

There is a certain order of things in female friendships that you must respect. It is mostly unspoken, yet widely accepted. Who is among the first to know is key. It is a symbol of how close you feel, and wish to stay with a person. Similarly, who you don’t tell speaks for itself too. It isn’t always a shock. If an acquaintance finds out through the grape vine, then she probably won’t be surprised or hurt by that. If however she thought you were close friends, your act of not telling her directly would put her in her proverbial place.  Weddings, for example, can be really damaging to women’s friendships for this reason too.

Although my friend said it wasn’t classified information, she also said she was going to start telling people soon. Out of respect for her, I said I would leave it to her to tell her story to the others. Telling them may have been misconstrued as gossip, either by her, or by anyone I told. Added to that, I may make my own inferences about the reasons based on private conversations I have had with my friend, that she may not want repeated to the others…. Or which she may not feel were accurate at all. Essentially it wasn’t my secret, nor my story to tell.

It wasn’t difficult per se, not to tell the others…. But I did wonder if I was crossing a different line in my other friendships by choosing NOT to share the information. The act of telling is just as indicative of trust is the act of not telling. Not telling to respect the person who told you, may result in disrespecting the person you chose not to share with.

Thankfully, after she told me, my friend swiftly started sharing the news with the others almost immediately. Because we are all mature adults, (or trying to be at least! Lol) the focus was on concern for our friend and not so heavily on when we were told, by whom. Of course, it did come up in conversation, but it doesn’t matter AS much if you were the first to know, as much as it matters if you were the LAST to know. Neither of us were, thankfully.

Of course, the conundrum doesn’t end there. Now you both know, and you know in what order you knew. Are you now allowed to discuss the issue? Is that gossip? Is that disrespectful? I won’t lie, myself and another friend did discuss it once we both knew of the status quo. However I feel we navigated the conversation pretty well. We expressed mutual feelings of surprise, concern and even happiness for our friend and directed the conversation towards more general topics surrounding the issue rather than focusing HEAVILY on the more private details of our friend’s situation.  She will tell us what she wants us to know.

When it comes to the order of things, you have to respect that someone else’s order is their own to choose. Their secrets are their own to share, stories are their own to tell and crosses are their own to bare. Do not get involved in someone else’s order. Think of what you would want them to do for you in similar circumstances. If you are close friends with someone else who isn’t being told, hopefully they will understand and respect the position you were in and think more highly of you for not speaking out of school than pressure you to break someone else’s confidence. After all, they wouldn’t want you to break theirs either.

When it comes to your own order of things, choose wisely. Do as my friend did and know that who you tell directly, and who are amongst the first to know, matter. Acknowledge who may be hurt if they hear it from someone else, and who is likely to keep your order and who isn’t. Be just as aware of what you say as what you do not say, and what this all implies. It sounds so complicated, but it really isn’t.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

WOOF

When I was an angsty teenager, this cute boy was my best friend. It just so happened he was a Labrador in that lifetime. His name was Brandy, although he was almost pure white, and mostly we called him Woof.  We called him that because he took the role of guard dog very seriously, unless the person at the door happened to be bringing foodstuffs, in which case they were welcomed. Lol

There is much to be said about friendships with animals, and I know quite a few people who actively prefer them. They are genuinely calmer, more forgiving, and always happy to see you, even when you haven’t been perfect. They don’t tend to hold grudges and they seem to intuitively know when you need some extra love and cuddles.

After I moved out of home, I left Woof at my parents place. It was his home, and by then he was really my dad’s best friend. I'm loyal hey? It's called ForNever for a reason people! Lol My girlfriend at the time got a kitten. His name was Garfield, although just like Brandy, we never called him that. I called him Kitty! It’s a thing in our family. My parents call me Missy. Always have. That isn’t my name! Lol Anyway, Kitty was my furbaby. Oh how much love and happiness that animal brought to my life. I know this sounds crazy but I always thought of him as one of my soulmates.

He made the cutest sounds, and he could do tricks. He was a big ginger fluff ball who greeted me every time I came home. He slept on my shoulder as often as he could even after he was WAY too big to fit there. He always knew when I was feeling sad, confused or lonely and somehow always made me feel better with his big loud purrs or feisty playfulness.

5 cat soulmates? Even better! Spoken like a true crazy cat lady! Lol 

Of course, in time both of these beautiful friends passed away. One of the worst things about animal friendships is their shorter lifespans. Although I missed them both, I went on to have actual babies, and I must say, they are far more challenging! My husband said he couldn’t live in a house without pets though and so he brought us Sox.

Our Son named him that when he was a baby, being that he is a black oriental looking cat, with white paws, he thought he was wearing socks! Awww. Interestingly a psychic once told me that Woof would come back to me in the form of a black animal in his next life. Being a bit superstitious I found that unlikely and stated that I would never have a black animal. She simply smiled and said “He’ll find you.”

Sox is so different from Kitty. He’s more timid and less social. He’s also more aggressive, and guards our house the way Woof used to. Sometimes he comes on walks with us. The other day, as he sat drooling and begging for food at the dinner table the way Woof used to, I suddenly remembered what the psychic had said to me all those years ago about Brandy coming back to me in the form of a black animal.

Haha. Probably how he feels about being a cat this time around! Lol 

I feel so happy to think that he has found me again, and that he is here to be a best friend for my children in their angsty years the way he was there for me. Someone to listen, to comfort them, to play with them and to eat their scraps!

When Brandy passed away, we had him cremated, and the inscription on his urn read “WOOF: Walk On Old Friend.” Even from beyond the grave he is helping me and sending me comforting messages.

To all the friendships that have died, and the friends who have walked away I say WOOF. Walk On Old Friends. I hope you will find me again sometime too… In this lifetime or another. If not, maybe I’ll find you. Look out! Lol

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

More than Friends.

NB: Post for partnered people. When friendly affection becomes an Affair. Emotionally and or physically.

The older we get, it seems the more we need to connect with our youth. Memory has this great way of holding on to all that was good, and letting go of all that was not. While we may have very successful, happy and content lives now, it seems fair to say we miss the excitement of days past.

With that, often comes the urge to reconnect with old friends and old flames. Of course there is genuine interest in how these people are now, and how their lives unfolded. Who they became, who they married, and if we fulfilled our dreams and expectations of this life.  Speaking to them again can make us feel young again as all the memories come flooding back.

Maybe it was 5 years ago, or maybe it was 50, either way, it seems to feel suddenly as if no time has passed at all. The flurry of excitement washes over us, and we feel excited. We feel young again. Some of us may have things to prove, wrongs to right, or deep seated feelings to confess. Some of us may want a second chance at a first impression, or to brag about how we exceeded in area’s nobody imagined possible. Some of us may just be feeling lonely and missing the ripe connections with people from long ago.  Our reasons are usually much more about ourselves than anybody else.

Whatever the reasons, it isn’t uncommon for us to reach out to these people, often online, and get caught up in a whirlwind of affectionate, if accelerated, bonding. We eagerly express how much we miss that person, how much we have thought of them over the years and exaggerate either how good or bad our lives are currently. The problem being, that it is easy to be who you want to be behind the screen, and things feel somehow like a fantasy that is dancing in reality.

It is all too easy to lose all interest in you real life, work, family, friends and partner in favour of being with a fantasy of someone you remember from long ago, and being someone you really aren’t either. You find yourself flirting. Nothing serious, just a compliment here or there. Harmless banter may ensue as you poke fun at each other and jointly reminisce. As you USED to know this person, you can easily skip past the awkward getting to know you stage of the friendship. All too quickly you settle into a deeply comfortable and intimate place, (reminds me of the cooking shows - "Here's one I prepared earlier!") and feel you can tell this person things you struggle to discuss in real life. You look forward to your interactions more and more, finding excuses to be online, stay late at the office or take business trips away from your REAL life.

When you notice you have started to think about this person a lot; when you start planning the next flirtatious thing you could say or look forward to hearing from them more than anyone else, or justify how easily you can talk to them and how much they understand you, you are in dangerous territory. It is easy to think this person knows you better than anyone, however they only know of you what you have told them. They are not a part of your daily life, they are an escape from it.

Although you wont like hearing this, that is what draws you to them. It is not about them and how wonderful they are, nor about reliving your youth. It is not even really about how wonderful they make you feel in your capacity to be there for them either. You are living in a bubble, but reality will soon burst it I’m afraid. What you really like about this person is the alternate reality (fantasy) that you are co-creating. If you’re honest you’d probably agree that the longterm potential in the real world would be just as limited as any other.

So, when has it moved past a friendly affection and into an affair? When you are confiding in them things you don’t confide to other people. When you are speaking to them about your partner instead of to your partner about them. When you are protecting the bubble and not welcoming this person into your actual reality.

Chances are, you may even be using each other as a counsellor somewhat. If you can relate to any of this, perhaps seek actual counselling. It is fair to say all friendships nurture confidences, but the friendships themselves should not feel private. The chances are you just like the attention. Feeling heard, feeling someone is excited by you, feeling interesting again. The problem isn’t that your partner doesn’t make you feel these things, the problem is that you have forgotten along the way that you are all those things. And that nobody can hear you if you don’t talk to them.

I am not insinuating all emotional affairs happen this way, nor that all connections with people from your youth are doomed. Friendships new and old should be celebrated, just make sure you are being honest, even just with yourself, along the way.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Apt for both people in the partnership at all times. x

Proud PRIDE friends and Allies. Rules for the straight gay dynamic.

Ok ladies, it was only a matter of time before I wrote this little gem! Lol The question, can lesbians and straight women be friends, is up there with the women and men phenomenon. I believe we can, yes! My experiences with straight women have been powerful, wonderful, confusing, heartbreaking and character building, but at the end of the day, many of my closest friends are heterosexual. Sigh. Lol

So what are the rules to making it work straight sisters? First up, tell your friend that you are straight. We want to know, don’t make us ask! That said, only tell us once. We speak the same language, there is no need to tell us every time we get together you homophobe! Lol We get it. You like men.  

Can you flirt with your friend? Yes. Should you? You shouldn’t, no. She shouldn’t either. But you both know you will! It’s all good fun, and generally harmless. It is ok to engage in fun flirtation here and there, but don’t take it too far and then get uncomfortable and throw the whole “You don’t have a d*ck” thing in our faces. It is body shaming and it isn’t ok. You knew what we had, (or didn’t have) when you started playing the flirty game, just the same as we knew you were straight. Let’s keep it fun. Oh, and DO NOT flirt with us for the attention of men. Just don’t. Your friend is not an accessory used to pick up men, only to be tossed aside when he shows you some interest. Also.... While I have your attention... Don’t flirt with, or get it on with each other either straight ladies, please? At least not for the attention of men. Lesbianism is a real thing, not a joke, we don’t want to encourage men to think of it as an invitation, ok?

This next point is important. I know you straight ladies often change clothes in front of each other. All my fantasies aside for a minute, (ok, it may take longer than a minute! Lol)  I have friends who allow me this pleasure…. I mean privilege! *Clears throat.* Lol I can still give objective advice on what looks good, even if we both know I think you look better in nothing at all. :o Joking aside though, this is a difficult one for us queer girls to navigate. Do we want to be included? Yes. (Understatement! Lol) But please be sensitive to the fact that we may feel embarrassed and be unsure on where to look exactly….. You don’t get to be naked and then upset when we notice that. We will notice! This is probably not the best time for flirtation, and we BOTH need to be mindful of that. (I know we still will, but don’t take it too far ok!)  I know you feel sexy and powerful, but keep in mind that may leave your friend feeling undesirable, powerless, small and ashamed. Not to mention frustrated as hell! Your friend’s sexuality isn’t a joke to her, nor is it a toy for you to play with. If you utilize it as a tool for your ego, this may come at great personal expense to your friend. If you know you queer friend has feelings for you, or if you suspect she does (you might be wrong, in fact, you probably are!) respect her and your friendship enough to keep your clothes on.

For the fellow lesbifriends out there, don’t try and get with your straight friends. If you want them to respect your sexuality, you have to respect theirs. If they want to get with you, they will. Lets be real though, they don’t want to. It is all fun, not games. If you want to play games, do so knowing everybody loses and nobody wins. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t get addicted. Your friend is not a puzzle to be solved or a challenge to be conquered. You don’t need to play so hard if you play to the right audience.

For the straighties, please refrain from exploiting your friend’s feelings. She is not a place holder for a man, and she is not a back up plan. If you want her to buy you drinks and open doors for you, I hope you lead by example. Her crush on you is not “cute.” Please don’t minimize our feelings in this way. She is not a child, she is a grown woman with adult desires. The fact that you don’t reciprocate doesn’t mean you get to laugh in her face as if what she feels is silly. Think of that time the hot guy rejected you? I bet you didn’t find that cute or funny. It hurts ladies. Also, it’s embarrassing. Be real. If you have to reject your friend, do it gently, but clearly, then question if you did anything that may have given her false hope. If you did, stop doing it. Nothing else has to change. Allow herself or yourself space if either of you needs it, but know that you are still the same awesome people you were before. 

DO NOT GET DRUNK AND SLEEP TOGETHER. I know many of you will do this anyway, but you both know this is a terrible idea! If you must do it – straight ladies, don’t be a pillow princess, you best give it your best shot!

In essence it all boils down to care and respect. Treat your friend with the respect she deserves, and act in ways you think will be best for HER and not for you. That goes for all friendships really.

Have fun however you play it ladies… Just remember lesbians tend to be drawn to a straight girl like a moth to a flame, but when you play with fire, someone gets burnt.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hahaha. Funny because it's true xx

Flirtation in Friendship

Ok, I was always going to write about this, even though I know many of you may not relate too well to this one. Still, I maintain it is relevant and important to discuss, however uncomfortably it sits in the air afterwards.

Oh, so true! Lol

It’s no secret that I am not heterosexual. This post is for those of you who are also queer, for lack of a better word in a broad context, or for those of you who call yourselves friends and allies of the Pride community. It is also for those of you who identify as heterosexual, but often find yourselves having the platonic butterflies referred to as a “Girlcrush.”  (A concept I embrace and encourage, but can’t say I fully understand! Lol)

Let’s start by discussing new friendships. You can’t deny that it is somewhat like dating, even if the idea makes you uncomfortable. You meet a girl, you like her, you admire her, you want her to like you. You want to invite her out or ask for her number, but you’re worried if she feels the same way, or if you will seem like a total loser in her eyes. You finally ask for her number and are super excited when you make the first date. Yes, I’m calling it that. Deal with it! Lol You try to look super cute, but not so cute that it looks like you tried to look cute, and you can’t stop smiling the whole date. You gush over how amazing and smart and sexy she is and tell her how much you love her style. Are you flirting? Yes, you are! Afterwards you wonder, should you text her? Is that weird? You really want to see her again. You get butterflies when she texts you back and says she had a great time, as you eagerly text back that you can’t wait to see her again….. The only thing that is different here, generally is that you aren’t calculating how soon you will sleep with her. You may or may not be jealous of her other friends and lovers. Haha

I am sure we can all agree that there is a fine line between friendliness and flirtation, and at best, most of us flirt with flirtation. Almost all my friends and I refer to each other using terms like “Hun, gorgeous, cupcake, sweets, babes, lovely… “and a whole other range of similar sweet talk. Conversations don’t shy away from the “I love you’s,” and it isn’t uncommon for us to remind each other “You are beautiful, sexy, hot etc…” (I really appreciate this straight friends. You know I lap it up, and I appreciate that you aren’t afraid to engage me in this way and trust that I know where the boundaries lie.)

In many ways, it makes sense that we flirt with our friends. By definition it is a harmless word meaning to show interest in someone or something, usually not seriously. Friendship is supposed to be the less serious relationship counterpart, so why not inject some fun and frivolity into it. How would we show people we are interested and that we like them without it? Liking someone is a concept best described with action and intent after all, in any context. 

Human nature dictates that we are drawn to people who like us, who make us feel good about ourselves, and flirtation seems a natural way to attract other people for any relationship, including friendship. Added to that, many of us may be in long term relationships, and just miss the playful harmless banter of new beginnings. Many of my friends probably feel safer in flirting with me, or other women in general, because the potential for that flirtation to progress into something more dangerous is limited. Therefore, flirting among friends is considered harmless fun, which makes everybody feel good.  This is, of course, assuming that there is no secret curiosities, or sexual intent at play. That is another post all together. Stay Tuned Folks! Lol

Sometimes I wonder if flirtation and friendship aren’t kinda the same thing, with one having more longevity than the other. I guess that is where the term “flirtationships” come from – meaning more than friends and less than lovers. Sometimes a flirtation can lead to a more deep and meaningful friendship, just as in relationships, and you may find the flirtation dies down in favour of deeper interactions. Sometimes the flirtation prevails and even hinders a closer relationship as one or both parties are unable or unwilling to be real and serious. My best flirtationships are the ones with a healthy dose of both cuteness and connection.

Flirtation should be fun for everyone. Don’t play with fire, or with people’s feelings. Be aware enough, of yourself and of your friends to know when it stops being cute and starts being cruel, or when it stops feeling friendly and starts to feel more like a fling.

Are you having any flirtationships?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hahaha. I can so relate to this! 

New friends help us explore new sides of ourselves

Being that I write a friendship blog, it shouldn’t surprise you that I am usually keen to explore new friendships. The newest friendship that is blossoming is just as exciting as any other. I am a little bit fascinated and very much in awe of this new person who seems so different, yet so the same as myself at the same time! It is always thrilling to get to know someone on a deeper level and challenging the misconceptions and conclusions you didn’t consciously know you’d drawn about them.

Example. My new friend seems quiet and somewhat reserved. After a recent catch up, near her home, she walked home as I drove. I passed her at the traffic lights with embarrassingly loud pop music blaring from my stereo. As I pulled the car to a stop, I sheepishly turned down the tunes…. When I got home I felt the need to apologise. Thinking she must think I was terribly immature and very much a try hard, I admitted that although I frequently blare music from my car like that, I was hoping she wouldn’t encounter that side of myself…. Also taking the time to justify that being in the car without my kids is one small freedom I still enjoy from my youth when the music I was listening to was actually still cool! Haha My new friend confessed she also frequently listens to loud music in her car. This REALLY surprised me. Lol I had her pegged as a much more demure type. Although I am quite certain the music she would enjoy would be much more cultured and alternative than the tunes I was rocking…. I wouldn’t know because I failed to ask. Sorry! (I did learn the name of a favourite band of hers and why she likes them. Does that count? I’m not totally narcissistic…. I hope! Lol.)

This new friend is also teaching me patience in letting her open up at her own pace.... 

That brings me to my next point in exploring this new friendship. It is highlighting to me all the ways my personality and friendship style are either different with her than with other people, or just different in general than what I believed myself to be. I love exploring the contradictions in people, always thinking I myself was too boring to have any. I don’t know what it is about this person in particular, but she has a way of making me feel much more dominant and extroverted than I would comfortably class myself as being.

I pride myself on being a good listener, with attention to detail and follow through on important issues. Not as good as this person though! Not even close! She blows me out of the water! Lol I feel I always ask questions (which I am learning can come across as intrusive over caring) and generally submit to the other person’s whims. Basically I feel like I am a quiet person, shy, who prefers to keep the limelight on other people as a general rule. Looking at our interactions honestly, I would be VERY surprised if my newest friend saw me in the same light I see myself!!

I notice that I have chosen the venue for the catch up’s, and without meaning to be overbearing, both times I spoke for this poor woman when we ordered at the counter. After the last catch up, I realised I had walked away having shared much of myself, but having learned very little about her. There were things I had wanted to ask her, but somehow I didn’t find the time between all my conversations about me!!! This new friend is very softly spoken, and although I have never considered myself to be loud or confident, somehow I feel like such an extrovert around her.

This does not sit well with me. In part because I want to be the friend I pride myself on being, and in part because it is uncomfortable for me to see myself in this way. I want to learn more about my new friend, and I want her to feel comfortable in opening up and sharing herself with me, however I am going to have to learn in this instance how to give her the space to exist in our friendship. I have discussed this with her and said that at our next catch up, at a venue of her choosing, where I will not order for her, because she has a voice, I want to learn more about herself. The venue she chose surprised me just as much as her admitting she likes loud music in her car. I love that there is so much to learn about her and challenging all the conclusions I have jumped to in an effort to categorise her mentally, however inaccurately. This intrigues me, and I want to reciprocate the attentive friendship she has offered. I really hope I can.

I also really hope I can explore and challenge my misconceptions of myself, or that it is in some way bad to be extroverted, or dominant. As long as I can still allow my friend to share herself, to feel heard and valued and validated, I look forward to accepting this newer side of my personality, that I hope exists through much work towards self love, esteem and acceptance, leading to a quiet confidence that I did not previously possess. I hope to enjoy this side of myself and stop being so uncomfortable with my own voice.

This new person definitely seems to increase my energy. I only hope it is not at the expense of draining her own... Something to be mindful of!

I’d really like to thank this new friend, for coming into my life and embracing all that I am, even when I don’t quite know what I am myself. For challenging my perceptions of herself, of myself and of friendships. For evoking a side of me I didn't really know existed. And to thank her for her patience and trusting in my positive intention although I am sure I have seemed overwhelming, overbearing, and intrusive. I'm sorry about that. I guess I am finding my voice. Let’s both make an effort to ensure it isn’t at the expense of your own?! I will try harder to make space for you to share with me, without actually asking and trust that you will share with me all that you want me to know. 

You are teaching me that friendships are as unique as the individuals in them. I have much to learn from you, and I will do my best to mirror you in order to allow our friendship to reach its full potential.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendships are important! I do value them!

Everything I’m not.

Have you ever had a friend who seemed more into the friend they thought you were than the friend you are? Or the friend they want you to be perhaps? Or maybe you’ve had the niggling feeling that your friend actually doesn’t much care who you are, as long as they can cling to the illusion that you are everything they want you to be?

It happens in love stories all the time, and friendship is no different. We meet someone and we are drawn to them. Sometimes we can list the qualities we are drawn to, and other times maybe it was simply how that person made us feel about ourselves that has us hooked. We start to view them through rose coloured glasses or associate them with the positive feelings we are having.

I have experienced this on both sides. I have seen in people what I wanted to see instead of what was actually there, and I have had people try to force me to be what they needed me to be instead of letting me be what I am. Neither thing worked out well.

I have had friends who seemed endlessly disappointed with me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to show them what it was they wanted to see. The problem being we were both so focused on what they wanted, that we couldn’t accept that I wasn’t it. I have had friends who needed me to validate them, their lifestyles, choices and relationships, but who couldn’t handle it if I was unable to agree with them on something along the way. They didn’t enjoy me as much as they enjoyed the positive reflection of themselves they saw in me.

I have had friends who needed a counsellor, but who were unable to listen or hear anything I actually said, about themselves or myself. I have had friends who value qualities in friendships that I just don’t offer. Having a conversation recently with one friend about her other friend, she commented that although this woman could be hard work, she was valuable because she was always there to loan money or other acts of service at a moments notice.  When I probed her for more information on what she valued about this particular friendship it dawned on me that she values everything I’m not as a friend.

It doesn’t mean our friendship doesn’t thrive, it does! The reason it does, is because we have both had to manage our expectations of the other person. We both have needs that our friendship doesn’t meet, and we don’t focus on those. We both have other friends that do meet these needs. Rather, we enjoy what we can and do share together instead of pushing it to be something that it isn’t. There are times, when each of us feels disappointed by the other, or envious of the other friendships we hold, but I love that we can come together and reassure eachother; “It’s not you, it’s her.”

What I mean by that, is explaining that the other person is meeting a need we have, without accusing each other of not meeting that need. When I realise for example that she values someone who loans her money, I instantly realise I’m glad she doesn’t come to me for that kind of support. Similarly, when she realises I am drawn to women who like to go out for an evening, she is relieved I don’t pester her to find babysitters to oblige that need.

It isn’t always easy to identify when you are pushing someone to be something, or even everything, that they aren’t. All I can tell you is to look out for feeling disappointed in a friendship, sometimes perpetually. Identify what it is that you hope they will do for you that they aren’t and what need is reflected there. Is your friend not making time for you? Do you need to feel more important to someone? Is your friend genuinely a super busy woman? If the answer is yes, look around you for someone less busy, and see if they will make more time for you. If they do, your need will be met, and your ability to appreciate the time your initial friend makes for you will be tenfold.

Sometimes someone does meet a need for a time, and then they suddenly stop. This hurts. We can cling to them and be angry and resentful that they have changed. Alas, people do grow and change. If we are feeling dramatic about it, perhaps it is because we are not growing with them or in the same direction as they are. Most likely it is because we associate that feeling with that person. They were always “our person” right? We need them to stay that way. The issue isn’t with your friend, but with your now unmet need and aggravated expectation of them to fill that need.

The problem with needing a certain person to make you feel a certain way is that then you need that person to be happy! It’s uncomfortable to admit, but there are other people who can make you feel happy, heard, validated, loved, excited, and supported or whatever else it was that this one friend made you feel. Let go of the idea that only that one person can make you happy and you will be instantly happier!

The veronica’s song “Everything I’m Not” comes to mind. “The girl, that you want, she is tearing us apart, because she’s everything, everything, I’m not.”  If you find that someone is disappointing you, or you are constantly disappointed in them, that is a pretty good sign that you are asking too much of that person, or that they are asking too much of you.

To my wonderful friends; thank you for taking me as I am, for accepting everything that I am and overlooking everything I’m not. I’m so glad you have other people in your lives to fill the cracks in what I am lacking, and I am so grateful to all of you for meeting the needs that you do meet of mine.

Don’t ask or expect anyone, including yourself to be anything, let alone everything that you are not! Know who you are and who they are and let that be enough for you both.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Have you ever heard of the expression “Fair weather friend?” It refers to a person who is only a good friend in times of positivity in your life, but cannot be relied upon during times of emotional storms, negativity or difficulty in your life.  I tend to question if these people aren’t really more friendly acquaintances than friends… surely they are there, emotionally, for the few they feel close with? Alas, we can only really judge someone by our experiences of them, and it is true to say “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” (Sneaky Billy Ocean Reference there… just because I can! Showing my age much!! Haha)

So, according to the urban dictionary, the opposite of this phenomenon, is called a “Foul weather friend.” This refers to a friend who is always there for you in the hard times, offering endless support, guidance and a shoulder to lean on. These people are always empathetic and willing to commiserate, yet somehow, when your luck improves, they aren’t around anymore. Looking back through the dust of the friendships in my history, I started to wonder…. Am I a foul weather friend?

It’s not lost on me that many people seem to turn to me in times of need. I never shy away from the real stuff, and do tend to believe that being there for one another through the difficult times is the crux of deep friendships, bringing us emotionally closer to one another. I also can’t deny that there is a certain pleasure (however dark) that comes from being wanted and needed. When you know what someone wants and needs to see, it is much easier to show it to them. I tend to view myself as a pretty empathetic person so it comes naturally to me to provide that type of support to a person in need. So, what happens then, when the situation changes and the person is no longer in strong need of support?

Is that when I exit stage left?! Maybe it is?! Ouch. The thing is, it doesn’t always play out that way, and it isn’t always my choice. Sometimes, the other person pulls away from me when things get easier for them. After all, they associate me now with the harder times, and it can be hard to find things to talk about when the main topic of conversation before was “the crisis.” It isn’t uncommon for me to then find I am cast aside in favour of more fun, light hearted company. Namely, their fair weather friends!  It also isn’t uncommon for these friends to yoyo back to me when they find themselves in stormy seas again. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that while these people were in a time of need, my level of friendship was comforting for them, however as they reached a healthier place and their need for me waned, they began to feel smothered by that same level of intensity. It’s a delicate balancing act on both sides I suppose.

Other times, it might be me who pulls away. It might be because I am exhausted, or because something has happened that caused me to change the way I see and subsequently feel about that person. Usually though, it is because the person in question has proved themselves to be unable to be there for me in my harder moments. I don’t expect someone can and will be there for me just because I was there for them, however, I think it is fair to move away from people who can’t be there for you. It is usually in favour of people who can be there.

A friendship that begins in crisis mode, or blossoms there, feels deep and meaningful. Once the crisis has resolved however, the small talk which was overlooked before in favour of deeper more pressing issues, can feel empty and meaningless. It can even be painful for both parties to endure as they struggle to understand how such a weighty friendship can suddenly feel so empty.  Essentially, sometimes the friendship served its purpose, and it is ok to let it go.

The most important thing to learn from all this is balance. Even if a friendship is in a heavy place, please make time to share lighter moments together. If your friend is having a tough time, don’t protect her from having to be there for you because you don’t feel your problems compare to her own. You will be doing your friendship a big disservice. Talk about the big things and the little things and everything in-between. Keep up to date on the day to day happenings, spend time going to fun places, and make room in all the areas of your life, not just the dark ones. It’s not a competition, but try and make sure you are each giving as much as you are getting, listening as much as talking and reaching out in roughly equal amounts.

Lastly, be grateful for your fair weather friends, and your foul weather friends, because we all need different things from different people at different times in our lives. I believe a good strong lasting friendship will be able to be both, but if it cannot, each of them still has their value.

Let's all try and be this type of friend. 

Instead of focusing on what you get from your friendships, focus on what you give. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a needy friend drives you round the bend! Find the balance people! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Both types of friends have their value depending on the weather in your life. 

Copy of Friendship is the healthiest Easter treat, and it’s sweet like chocolate too!

Easter time is traditionally celebrated with family, and regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, usually celebrated with some form of chocolate! You know what else is sweet like chocolate? Friendship, and it has less calories and more health benefits too!

Many of us fail to reach out to friends over this period assuming that everyone else is too busy with family for time with friends. I know so many people who go away for the weekend to make the most of this extended time off with their partner, children and even extended families. This makes sense. However, some professions like police, hospital staff, prison workers, fire and emergency services and many other industries soldier on as usual.

For my family, that means my husband works. While I will still see our extended family on Easter Sunday, that leaves me with 3 days to play with on my own. It would be easy for me to assume all my friends are busy with family, and not reach out, however it is just as easy to reach out and see who is available.

I would much rather spend this time enjoying social activities with my friends than cleaning the house out of boredom. (Ok those of you who know me I have never in my life been “that bored!” haha)

So don’t assume everyone is busy. ASK! Maybe your friend’s partner has to work, or maybe they don’t have a partner or any family around, or maybe they will be home but not planning anything particularly special. Don’t wait to be invited, plan something for yourself. Maybe host a group gathering one day or see a few friends individually over a few days?  
This is one of the few times of year when MOST people do get a break and a bit of extra time to play with. What better way to spend it than playing with your friends? You know what goes well with chocolate and friendship? Wine. True story. 

However you spend it, I hope your Easter and your friendships are sweet and filled with love and laughter.

Happy Easter

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Extroverts and Introverts. Can we be friends? With each other?!!

I have a friend who’s birthday is coming up soon, and as such we were recently discussing upcoming plans for her celebration. She couldn’t decide if it was best to host one big event, or if it would be more appropriate to hold separate gatherings. One for her work friends, one for her book club, one for her long standing friends etc….

I was happy and excited to help her come up with ideas for planning the event as she decided on a time, location and type of event that would be the most inclusive and convenient for everyone. It was important to her that people could feel free to bring their partners and children, and she herself could include her own fur babies. (Having recently stumbled upon this blog, (and being openly surprised that it was good?! Who knew I was funny and engaging?! Lol) she now says she will recognize herself by the reference to the fur babies. This is going to become a running joke, serving also to trick her into not knowing I am speaking about her when I don’t mention them?! Haha That’ll work, right?!...You're not the only one who can underestimate someone's intelligence! :P Bitchy yes, but she knows it's all in good fun! I hope.... haha)

Anyway, as she created the event and we carefully worded the invite she sent it out to all and sundry. Her phone buzzed all night long with eager responses, and we played with ideas of where to buy large quantities of foods to feed the masses on the day. Nothing seems out of place about this scenario, does it? Not at first glance, no. What you may find curious is that I myself, did not make it on to the invite list…. to a party I was helping (I use the term loosely) to plan, for literally every person she knows…. And their dogs! Haha  

Ok, admittedly this is more her than me... maybe I'm the extrovert? So confusing... Lol

I would tend to consider myself a bit introverted, or perhaps in the extreme moments with close friends, perhaps a slightly extroverted introvert. (I know I have at least one friend who is scoffing at the idea that I am an introvert and questioning if I know the meaning of the word! Lol I do, I promise! haha)  As my friend planned this big event, I pondered if my friend might be an extrovert. When I put this to her, she denied it, and we settled on an introverted extrovert to summarise her social character.  I love that she will entertain these conversations with me. I have always found this friend fascinating, and we have had difficulties in the past because I struggled to understand her social style.  It lead me to the question…. Can introverts and extroverts (or differing variations of the 2) make a friendship work?

I wont lie to you, and I am sure my friend would agree, it isn’t always easy. The idea of such a large gathering of people exhausts me, even in context of all of my own friends. I’d feel like I spent the whole event making sure I spoke to everybody and walk away feeling like I had spoken to nobody. As an introvert I prefer small groups, usually consisting of only myself and the other party. I thrive on deeper conversations and enjoy searching for the meaning of certain happenings and relationships. I feel you need that privacy to really get to know people, and to allow them to get to know you in return.

My friend, however, seems to be drawn to group situations. Where they drain me, they perhaps energise her. The fun light atmosphere is more welcoming, and engaging and not so heavily conversation focused, but event focused. Not everything about the idea appealed to my friend, and it did provoke some anxiety, for example, when thinking about the intermingling dynamics of all the sub groups, which is why she is perhaps a bit of an introverted extrovert. All the same, it became clearer to me in that moment how special our time together is.

I don’t make many concessions for my friend. I haven’t had to. Obviously if she had a wedding, or a baby shower or some other important life (group) event that she asked me to share in, I would make the effort to be there for her, however, for the most part, she understands me better than I have given her credit for in the past. I have had friends over the years, who disregarded my dislike of parties. They would invite me, insist that I attend then berate me for being so quiet and not having a “good time!” (The insinuation being that the only way to have a good time was to get almost poisonously drunk on tequila and dance around with a box on your head. Don’t ask. Lol) It is a gift to me that this particular friend does not invite me, nor expect me to attend, nor get upset when I decline to attend. (Well, I choose to think of it that way. Perhaps she is just too ashamed of me to introduce me to her other people?! Which is also entirely plausible! Haha)

Not only does my friend not invite me, but she will make time to celebrate her birthday with me all the same. With just her and I. She will engage in meaningful conversations, and yet bring enough extroverted energy to the table that we still share plenty of laughs to lighten the mood. (You know, because I'm so unfunny!! :P haha) She will tolerate it when I stay too late, and pretend to like everything I give her as a gift, (even though I have basically bought her all things I like, only in a colour she likes,) and turn a blind eye when I blog about the experience later.  (In return, I ignore it when her fur baby tries to suffocate me at the drive in or gnaw my limbs off at her house! Lol) She is not the kind of friend I can call on to see, or maybe even to speak to, every week. That kind of commitment makes her feel intolerably trapped, and I used to feel that she kept me at a distance because of this. To someone like me, time is closeness. Now I have to wonder if we are not actually already closer than I think…. In reflection it is possible she gives me more of herself than I appreciate.

To answer the question, can extroverts and introverts be friends? With some consideration of the other person and how they feel energized and drained, yes. As with all friendships, your best bet is to relate to the other person THEIR way and acknowledge their strengths, weaknesses, boundaries and limitations. I’ve never really acknowledged before the way my friend seamlessly accommodates my needs, probably at quite the cost to her own emotional energy, so here is a shout out to her for her patience. Thank you! I know sometimes I drain you, (sorry) or sometimes you just don’t have the energy for me. I understand.  In return I really manage my expectations of you, which I hope you equally appreciate. I no longer try to push (consciously) for more closeness than you are comfortable with and try very hard to go with your much more relaxed flow!

Happy Birthday Chick. Can't wait to hear all about your party, and I sincerely hope it goes well. I hope you find our friendship as enjoyable, rewarding and entertaining as I do, whatever it is, or wherever it falls in the circles. Maybe we are both just Ambiverts?! Lol (go on, google it, you know you want to?!) 

Keep smiling, and providing food for friendship thought!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Family First, Friends Always!

My brother; My friend. This post is for you. 

I can only write this from my own perspective, and I can only hope the rest of you have been as fortunate in the sibling stakes as I have been! I only have one sibling, an older brother. He is 6 years my senior, so I can’t say that he would share my perspective on ALL of these things, but I'd say in general he'd agree!

My parents very bravely emigrated here to Australia when my brother was 6 and my mother was pregnant with me. At the time, I guess my brother was feeling quite isolated when I was born, having been moved to the other side of the world from his pals. The way he tells it, they used to play space invaders or something at lunchtime and he genuinely believed they were saving the world. He really worried about how he would protect it without his crew!

I was probably a big disappointment to him. First off, I was a sister, and I’d guess he’d hoped for a brother. He has 2 boys now… be careful what you wish for! Haha He never would have survived the beatings boys give each other! Lol. Then, when I was old enough to play, I was interested in Barbie dolls, and not even remotely interested in silly games about space! Still, he sat with me anyway, playing dolls. He tolerated me messing around with his computer games, and even let me play with his new friends. In all his birthday party pictures, there I am, squeezing in.

I guess that is a pretty accurate metaphor for his life, which was probably quite nice before I came along. He was such a quiet peaceful natured child, that didn’t ask for much. Let’s just say I was the opposite. It was all about me! Looking back I can see how much time and energy I took from him and from my parents! Suddenly I understand why he was my mother’s favourite… he was less painful. Lol

My mother returned to work full-time when I started school. Although I have milked this for all it was worth, it probably did bring me and my brother happily closer. He had to step in a fair bit to help take care of me. While I am sure there were times when he resented this, and would rather have been chasing girls, I remember those times after school with fondness. We would pull out the couch cushions and make a boxing ring, or do flips from the exercise trampoline Santa brought me that I never would have used at all otherwise. We would devour packets of Anzac cookies and milk, and eat endless bits of hot toast that he diligently sat making piece after piece.

When I cried because I lost my keys in the school playground and I knew I’d be in big trouble, he took me back to school and spent hours digging through the sand with me looking for them. When we went sightseeing at cliffs, he held the back of my t-shirt and pulled me from the edge. When we went on the banana speed boat ride, he fell off when I did to make sure I didn’t drown. Even though I was 14. And I was wearing a life jacket. And I could swim. Lol He still does the same things now, only in different ways I guess. When I get myself in trouble he is always there in any capacity he can be, often breaking the rules or going against the grain to show his support.

As we got older, and I became less self-involved, (I said LESS, Ok! Lol) I hope I also became someone he could talk to, confide in and turn to for support. It’s not like we see each other often, we don’t. We don’t even really communicate that much, but knowing that you have someone in your corner til the ends of the earth is something else. Knowing we have each other, and may in time have only each other, makes us closer than people with larger extended families I guess.

My brother isn’t my best friend, but he was my first friend, is always my friend, is one of my closest friends, and essentially really the only one I will ever need and never lose. Thank you for being my big brother AaaOooo, and thank you for being my friend. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I’ve never had to and I never want to. There is a part of me who will always be your baby sister who needs you to help search for her keys on the playground. I hope you know I’ll be there to help you find your keys, or your way, anytime you need it, too.

Love you bro!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Balancing Act....When it just feels NATural!

Just like any relationship, friendships are a balancing act. Give and take. Talking and listening. Fun times and serious ones. Finding time and making time. Reaching out and giving space. Growing close rather than being close.

Friendship IS one of life's greatest adventures!! 

Timing is crucial in this life, whether we like it or not. Sometimes, you meet the right people at the wrong times, and at other times you meet the wrong people at the right time. Both make beautiful disasters! Lol However the real magic begins when you meet the right people at the right time.

Sometimes we don’t realise we have met the right people at the wrong times, and they linger on the outer edges of our lives and our circles as friendly acquaintances. Unexpectedly one day, you might really connect, and grow a meaningful close friendship.

Just give the right people time to be in your life at the right time!

You may have guessed I am writing from experience here. Fairly recently, someone I had known from my years as a mother of toddlers called me out of the blue for a coffee. As timing would have it, fatefully, I happened to be walking right by the café she wanted to meet at that morning. I admit when I saw her number on the screen I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was happy all the same. It wasn’t the first intermittent catch up we had had over the years, and I had no expectation that this one would be any different. A friendly way to pass a mutually convenient morning.

What I can say, is that for the first time since we met, I walked away feeling like we had really connected. Like this person was suddenly my friend. And I was excited by that. Timing, conveniently, had placed our availability pretty mutually to allow for more catch ups in the months that followed and we relaxed into a happy supportive place. Although this was unexpected…. The timing in both our lives was right. I guess it never had been before.

As I had just embarked on this friendship journey at the time, I was very aware of trying to make this particular friendship with all the ingredients for a lifelong recipe. Only time will tell if I have gotten the measurements right, but for the first time I am being mindful of the time we spend together. We can and do talk about some pretty deep stuff when the times call for it. We talk about important boring stuff, health issues and share our joys and struggles around the “mum life.” We check in with each other after important occasions or happenings. We make time to go out for girls nights when the husbands take the kids, and times where we take the kids to hang out together. We can laugh, even in the moments of deep and dark conversations, and ask for fashion advice in the same conversations.

Maybe balanced is the wrong word, and safe, secure and reciprocal are better terms?

I am so grateful that this person called me for coffee that one fateful morning. She invited me into her life and into her heart that day and showed me that there are friends all around us waiting to sprout, under the right circumstances. There isn’t a thing about our friendship that I don’t cherish, it has actually really changed my life and the way I view friendships in a more rounded way.  I love how welcomed I feel around this person, and how safe and cherished and cared for she makes me feel.

This is one friendship that truly feels balanced. It feels equal. It feels natural. It feels reciprocal. It feels wonderful, and fateful.

This post is for you. To thank you for coming into my life at the right time and staying to show me a good time, and that these things can coexist. Thank you for always finding time, making time, spending time and being there all of the time.  (And for always stocking the things I like at your house. Maybe it is just a coincidence and we like the same things, lol, but I like to think of it as a gesture that I am welcome in your home and that you want to entice me there with food products. You know me well! Haha)

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Expressing your feelings VS Explaining them!

Recently I came across a life hack about finding solutions rather than finding yourself in arguments, and I thought to myself “Yeah, I could totally milk a blog outta that concept!" Lol And so, here we are! Stay with me…. Please? Haha

It’s such a simple concept really, as brilliant concepts tend to be! Let’s explore an argument. When I reflect on all the arguments I have had over the years, with friends, family and lovers alike, the appropriate words that come to mind are: Heated. Emotional. Charged. Irrational. (Them. Not me! Lol.) None of these same words apply to the concept of an explanation.

I know as well as anyone that it is near impossible to fight emotions with rationale or logic. Why is that? Because an explanation almost instantly takes away the power of expression when it comes to emotions, doesn’t it? It doesn’t feel as good to say “I am angry because you cancelled on me again and I feel vulnerable and scared that I am not important to you,” as it does to say “I hate how flaky you are, you’re so unreliable and don’t care about anyone but yourself.” Does it?! 

If however, we think it through to the next stage, it would be much easier to get the reassurance and support we require if we say the first thing rather than the latter. Explaining your feelings really lets the other person hear what you are feeling, and why, whereas, ironically, expressing them doesn’t?! I know, right?! If you express your feelings, the other party usually ends up feeling attacked, and defensive. If you explain them, you give the other party the chance to come nearer emotionally rather than pushing them further away.

If you express your feelings, they have gotten the better of you. The other party will definitely get the message that you are ANGRY but the reason behind it will probably be lost on them. As they are defensive, they will probably not be all that interested in hearing the reasons. This will only make for a frustratingly closed conversation, often with little resolve.

In my experience of arguments… which I wish was less extensive than it is on my emotional resume, it is only after the emotions dissipate that we are able to come back together. Somebody typically apologises and opens the lines of communication. It is only when the need to express the emotion has passed that we are able to explain it.

I’m not saying it will be an easy concept to apply, but I challenge us all to try to explain our emotions next time we start feeling overwhelmed by them. This is different to justifying them btw. Who among us has never “phoned a friend” to justify all the reasons we are upset about something someone has said or done to hurt us. The validation we receive adds fuel to the fire. If anyone tries to be logical, we refuse to hear them, because the emotion is dying to be expressed, heard and validated. We are not READY to be rational!

So how could we combat this? Perhaps we could reflect on a time when we did something that hurt someone and how much better we would have handled the situation if they had explained their anger rather than expressed it?! That would have felt much better for you, wouldn’t it? You might have felt more compassionate and open rather than defensive and closed.

Too often, when we feel overwhelming emotions, we don’t take the time, even within ourselves to explain them. Sure, we justify them, and all the reasons we are RIGHT to feel that way, and they were WRONG to act the way they did, but how will we ever come to common ground if our intention is to be in a superior position to our opponent, with whom we arguably want an equal relationship? It might feel good – giving you the power and the upper hand, but that puts the other person at a powerless disadvantage, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will fight you on it. Their sense of self depends on it! If you care for someone, in theory you want to protect their self image, as well as your image of them, right?

So next time you are feeling hurt and angry, I challenge you to write an essay – Why am I angry? Explain it to yourself. Sure, express all the emotion! Let it all out, how hurt and angry you are, then start with the justifications, but always ask why. Why do I feel this way, why am I so hurt? Why did they behave that way? Why am I jumping to the most negative conclusion? What do I want to happen now? Can I express that to them calmly? Let the emotion pass, then calmly bring up the issue.

If you feel yourself getting emotional again, simply tell the other person – I am getting too emotional to discuss this calmly… then remove yourself and rinse, wash, repeat! Chances are something else unexpectedly popped up that you need to mentally process and digest. A feeling, a thought, or new information. It is ok to take your time, the other things emotions do is cause a sense of urgency. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

We can’t expect others to understand us when we don’t understand ourselves. The answer is within….

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The difference between finding time and making time for your friends and your friendships

I have written here about the importance, and even the helpfulness of convenience in friendships. I can’t and won’t try and deny it. It feels so good and effortless when you make friends with people in similar circumstances to yourself. Workplace friendships are a prime example of this. You both get paid to be in the same place at the same time…. And bonus, you really hit it off. It’s almost like you get paid to be friends!! Winning. You don't need to make time, you already found it. 

Unfortunately the down side is often reflected when you are no longer getting paid to be in the same place at the same time, and the friendship fails, fades, fractures or fizzles because neither of you made time for it. You were so used to “finding time” that was convenient, and it was too much hassle to make time.

We are ALL guilty of this sometimes. We tell ourselves that we DON’T HAVE TIME, and we make ourselves, and our friends believe it too. As a stay at home mum, I can’t deny how wonderful it feels when I make friends who are available to lunch with me during the day, while the kids are at school and the partners (if they exist) are at work. It’s no hassle to see them when it is convenient for everyone. Then, almost inevitably, my lunch buddies return to work, and suddenly it is much harder to see them, because I have to MAKE time. Previously we were finding time, that was mutually convenient. Does that make sense? Finding time is easy. Making time not so much!

When you make time for your friends and your friendships, you have to sacrifice time you would typically be devoting to something or someone else. You might technically be available to go out with your friend on Friday night for example…. Except that Friday nights are typically the nights you spend alone binge watching all the TV shows you recorded that week. You have to choose which is more important, and as stupid as it seems, more often than not TV wins. Lol 

Should you happen to live alone, and have similar taste in TV shows, this could be a win win situation and you could consider inviting your friend to join you, however when partners, children, shift work and other commitments come into play it can become a nightmare to make time. It has to become a bit of a juggling act, because you want to make time that is still mutually agreeable.  The more friends you invite to the proverbial party, the more obstacles you will face! Besides, if your friend is anything like me, she'll TALK all the way through said shows anyway, so just go out with her. It'll be less frustrating for you both! Haha

Ironically, many of us do this, (choose TV) then complain that we feel lonely. As much as I appreciate those women who can do lunch with me on a school day, I appreciate the times even more when I know they have made a conscious choice to spend time with me over anything else. We are all busy people. If we can agree on a time that is convenient for us both, that is great, but if we can’t, we may have to choose each other. We may have to move an appointment, leave our partner at home with the kids, or take an afternoon off work to spend time with one another.

As I mentioned recently, I remind myself to make time for friendships every Friday. Friendship Fridays because I am a big fan of alliteration! (A word I learned when my more intelligent friend pointed it out to me as I clumsily tried to express this word preference! haha) So each Friday, I think of someone who I should check in with, and make time to spend together. It might be the friend I saw a few days ago who is going through something, or a friend I haven’t seen in a few weeks, and should really see how she is doing. It does not mean I see a friend every Friday, it simply means I try to talk to my friends, and set up a plan to see them in person. I let them know I am thinking of them and that I care. It goes a long way. And it is relatively easy once it becomes habit. It is FINDING TIME to MAKE TIME!

Time goes to whatever we prioritise. What we prioritise, we plan. What we plan, we action, and what we action we MAKE time for. We are never too busy for what we really want to do, we just choose ourselves more often than we choose each other. This needs to change. Choose friendships, not lonelieness. Reality TV is still not real at the end of the day. Get out there and live your life and share it with the people that matter.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Dealing with Demanding Friends.

Most of us have at least one friend who expects a little bit more than we can give. She usually describes herself as “sensitive”- meaning easily offended and let down when her expectations are not met. This not only pains you and makes you feel like a terrible friend, but it also exhausts you, trying to keep up with her demands, - all the while seemingly failing at every turn.

It can feel like this, when she is politely over giving or having a tantrum when she feels you are under giving. 

You know your friend is a good person. You know she probably holds these expectations because these are the kinds of things she would do for you. You know she doesn’t think she is demanding and she doesn’t think her expectations are unreasonable!

She might be the perfect friend. She might cook for you if you are sick, offer to watch your kids while you are away, loan you money, visit when you are in hospital and do many other things you are thankful for (but unable or unwilling) to offer in return. You question if you are selfish. She will always make time for you, and always prioritises you, and you feel awful when you are too busy or tired to do the same.

You’re not a bad friend or a terrible person. You are normal. So is your friend. You are just different. You know she is a good friend, and you want to keep her, but you don’t know how to stop letting her down, or how to be an equally good friend to her in return. So how do you navigate this?

Firstly, don’t accept more than you are willing to give. Examples include: Don’t ask her to babysit your kids all the time if you don’t have the time or desire to return the favour. Pay your own way and spend only what you can afford. Set financial limits on gift giving. If she cooks for you when you are sick, repay her by having her over or taking her out for dinner when you recover. Don’t borrow money from her if you wouldn’t or couldn't lend it to her if she needed it. Spend time with her as often as you would like instead of as often as she would like – but do make sure there is consistency in your commitment to spend time with her, and there are times you invite her for no other reason but to spend time with her.

Of course, it doesn’t need to be an eye for an eye either! One of the most important thing your demanding friend wants is acknowledgement. Sing her praises and she will purr like a kitten, I assure you. This alone, on a consistent basis may be enough. Of course, with your demanding friend, there will always be times that you didn’t meet her expectations. She will usually let you know this in no uncertain terms! She is “Sensitive” remember?! Lol Being angry at her for feeling hurt will not help the situation and you wont feel very good about yourself either if you respond in anger! In extreme cases, you may lose her. Only time would tell if that were such a bad thing, but I hope you don't want to lose her and feel you'd miss her. She would miss you!

When you let your friend down, and you will, make an action plan to help her feel better. Essentially her feelings are hurt because she doesn’t feel important to you, or that her level of friendship is reciprocated. In this instance, praise is needed, but words will not be enough. If you weren’t there for her when she needed you (for any reason) acknowledge it and apologise. No justifications, excuses or reasons. Instead of going over all the things you can’t do for her in your mind, and justifying them, spend time thinking about what you CAN do. Then do them. All your friend wants is to feel valuable to you. There are many ways to tell someone this, or even show them once, but consistency will be key.

If she doesn't doubt your intention or the next time you will see her, she'll know you enjoy her and wont have any reason to feel insecure. Emotional distance triggers these friends. 

The chances are high that your friend is insecure. She probably has low self esteem, internalizes many things as rejection that are not really about herself, and thinks she needs to be perfect to have friends – which is maybe why she does everything that she does. It may be a relief to her if you say no to some of her generous offers, and find ways to let her know she doesn’t need to be perfect. If she stops expecting herself to be perfect, maybe she will stop expecting you to be perfect too! If you can get her to feel secure, you may find her neediness disappears almost instantly. If not, encourage her to find other hobbies, and social outlets because sometimes neediness can stem from loneliness. You can’t fix that alone, but you can help by offering to join a book club with her (even if you don’t intend to stay joined) or encourage her to sign up to a class at her local gym (or whatever other interest she has that may lead to more social interactions.) Maybe you have a friend with similar circumstances who would be better suited to her? Introduce them!

Of course, insecurities and poor self-esteem, self-worth and loneliness may not be the only issues or reasons causing her to be quietly, (or not so quietly) demanding as the case may be! Sometimes our ability to be there for others is tied to our own lifestyles. Some people have more time to put in more effort, and their situation may allow them to prioritise friendships more than yours allows you to reciprocate. Neither of you may have consciously realised this. Perhaps if you were single with no kids you’d be more available, or if you didn’t have to work, or if your partner didn’t work away, or if he was more like her partner, or if you had a partner. Maybe if you could drive and lived closer, or earned the same amount of money, or didn’t work shifts….. You get my drift. All of these things will affect our ability to be the friend we want to be… in a perfect world.

Alas, the world is not perfect, so just focus on what you can do consistently, then put your money where your mouth is and do it!

Note: Sometimes your friend may be upset by an implication that you aren’t close friends, because you are too busy, because you didn’t turn to them in a time of need, because you didn’t seem upset by something she would find upsetting. Don’t get into the semantics of what happened or didn’t happen or why. You don’t have to be as close to her as she wants you to be, but if she is important to you, set about showing her that with words and actions. Don’t tell someone they are important to you and do nothing to support that with actions. Sometimes a gesture, however small, especially when met with consistency, understanding, empathy and kindness is all it takes. Maybe just remind yourself to ask her how she is at least once a week?

What are your ideas on small things we could do to help our friends feel secure, valued and important?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Who? Me? Would I ever be like this?....... hahaha sssssshhhh. Lol ;) 

GALentines (or PALentines) Day!

It’s that time of year again where love is in the air!! I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about Valnetines day, the shops are doing a pretty good job at reminding us all of that on their own.  A happy day for some, although usually only of vague enjoyment… except for the singletons, who may be feeling acutely aware of their single status and the exclusion they feel at not being invited to this particular party. That's where GALentines (or PALentines as the case may be,) comes to the rescue!!!

If you haven’t heard of the concept before, don’t worry I hadn’t either until the topic of friendships entered my consciousness enough to research it. I do know that Friendship day was this month too, but I like this concept better. Here’s a link to my last post about it last year if you are interested. “Happy GALentines Day”

The concept is similar to valentines, except it happens the day before on the 13th. Friendship is not bad luck afterall and we all need friends. So why not celebrate and include all your friends, single or not to join in the proverbial party. Being a weeknight, and keeping in mind many of your friends WILL still want to celebrate Valentines Day too, it might not be the best time to host a dinner party, and with so many of us working during the day, that might not be an option either.

The general gist of GALentines day is that you do something special for your friends – to let them know how important and special they are and how much you value them. Ideally, you could set up some time to spend together, if not on the day, some other time that suits. It is called GALentines day to celebrate females and their friendships with one another, but if you have male friends, or happen to be a male identifying person yourself even, we could also use PALentines – to be even more inclusive.

Character Leslie Knope (Played by Amy Poehler) from Parks and Recreation was the creator of this concept! 

See my post from last year for any ideas on how to celebrate this day with your friends. Personally I like to hand out 10 yellow roses. (The friendship rose) with a little foil wrapped heart attached to a handmade card and a special note inside thanking my friends for their friendship. I leave it on their front door. I take a picture of it so they know it was there and message it to them, which always prompts a conversation about when we can spend some time together, along with some loving words meaningfully exchanged.

Why do I send 10 roses if I only have 5 core friends I hear you ask? Well, obviously I thank my 5 core people. I also give one to my mother because she is my friend forever (Not ForNever!) My husband qualifies as a PALentine because our friendship is as important as any other and worth celebrating. Then I give one to an outer circle friend who I may hope to grow closer to, one to an acquaintance I am hoping to grow, or to someone who I think could use a little positivity, and one to a new friend whose friendship I am hoping to grow, wherever it ends up on the circles. If I buy a bunch of roses, you get 12. In which case I also give one to a childhood friend I’d like to reconnect with or thank for still being in my life, and one for myself, because I need to work on that friendship the most!!! You may even want to consider reaching out to someone you’d like to reconcile with after a period of time apart? (If you dare! Haha)

A sneak peek at my glittery bag of friendship love roses getting ready to go!! :D x

For those of you with less time for a little rose run, a picture, email, message, phone call or poem etc… works just as well. The point is to put conscious effort into your friends for one day, and make EVERYONE in our lives feel loved and special and celebrated.

Today is Friday the 9th of February, so you have the weekend to think about what you want to do and say, and until Tuesday for execution of your plans! Share this idea with as many people as you can, because the world could always use some more love, and that way, maybe your friends will also do something nice for you in return!

I don’t know if you have noticed this, but I usually publish my posts on a Friday. I have dubbed them Friendship Fridays! This serves as a weekly reminder for me every week to reach out to one of my friends and check in. If possible, I make plans to catch up with them, and if not I just let them know that I was thinking of them and I care. So far it has proved very successful, and if GALentines, PALentines or even Valentines is too contrived and commercial for you, I challenge you to try Friendship Friday’s instead! Or do both! I do. The idea is to make friendships a conscious priority and it is the sentiment that matters more than the date!

Are you up for the Friendship Friday’s challenge?

Sharing is caring people. Happy GALentines/PALentines to you all!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

If you're really stuck, time poor, or just a bit slack and unmotivated, that's ok.... use this image I prepared for you earlier?! ;) 

Dealing with Dominant Friends

Some of us are more naturaly dominant by nature, and some of us more naturally submissive. That’s not to say we are all into 50 Shades type scenarios, but all of us are along the scale somewhere. If you fall exactly in the middle, and all your friends do too, then you may not relate too well to this article. If however, you are in the majority, you have probably experienced a more dominant and demanding friend than you consider yourself to be. (If you can’t identify any dominant or demanding friends in your life, then it’s probably you! Lol)

Personally, I tend to fall on the more submissive side when it comes to friendships, and as such I am often drawn to more assertive types of friends. As a result, I have found it really important to have really clear and strong boundaries with some friends. For the most part, I am pretty easy going, and will do whatever keeps everyone happy, even if it wasn’t what I particularly wanted. However, with friends who like to insist on spending money, I set a clear limit of what I will spend and I am careful to basically never spend more than that with them.

With friends who struggle to take no for an answer, I have practiced just saying “No.” No apologies, or justifications, just no. And I will repeat that until I am heard. If I strongly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I used to say yes, then either resent the person for making me go, or I’d say yes initially then “call in sick” when the time came.

With friends I feel are using me, or more interested in the benefits of our friendship than the friendship itself, I start cutting back on the benefits, whatever they may be. You know the type of friend, never seems to want to have anything to do with you until they need something from you, then they’re your best friend… for five minutes anyway! Lol I practice not being as available to give these people whatever it is they are requesting from me and observe if the friendship is still valuable to them. Most times, the friendship issue resolves itself as the friendship dies out.

These friends can be pushy, without meaning to be, or even knowing that they are! They may struggle to hear an implied “no” that a more submissive person is trying to give. I used to say things that would imply that I wasn’t interested such as “Well, it’s going to be a very hot day, and there’s almost no shade there. I’d have to move a few things around to even be able to go, and I wouldn’t have much time if we did, how about so and so?” (Implying that they could take a different friend.) What I would be trying to say is “No. This activity does not interest me. It would be a hassle to attend anyway and I don’t even want to, ask someone else.” I would hope that my dominant friend would hear this. But because she was excited about the intended activity all she heard was “I’ll move some things around and I’ll be there.” Then usually she would be unhappy when I had to leave and would try and again test my limits and get me to stay longer…. If I didn’t call in sick that is!!

I learned you have to be clear when you don’t feel comfortable with something, but that you don’t have to be angry with the person for suggesting it, or even feel pressured. That pressure you feel is internal and comes from that inner people pleaser. Once you quieten her down, you feel ok saying “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll give it a miss. I hope you find someone to go with.” When you are clear there is not much room for them to continue the conversation, and if they do, a quick, “I said no,” will shut the conversation down pretty quickly.
Saying no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with is ok. Your friend shouldn’t like you any less. However it may come as a surprise to her, if you have always done these things before. She probably never realised there was a problem! Expect her to ask if you are ok. Expect her to say you aren’t acting like yourself. Expect her to be hurt and angry and feel rejected. If she does prompt the conversation, be honest with her and tell her you are setting better boundaries for yourself. Be honest and tell her you have not always enjoyed the activities, and most likely if you suggested activities to her she had no interest in she would have no problem saying no. Even tell her you admire that quality and have decided you want to be more like her.

It's usually not someone else that has to change, but your own responses and reactions to them. 

It will be hard at first. She will apply pressure. You will feel guilty. Rest assured that is a reflection of her not respecting your boundaries….. and learning what they actually are. You will probably relent a few times before you get it right, but you can do it.

And you know what, because we are all on the spectrum, you may even find that you are the dominant friend with some of your other friends! So be mindful of that too! You can be friends with someone more dominant than you, as long as you are clear in your own boundaries. Remember to be assertive, not aggressive.

Good Luck!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Find the middle ground

Forget the ending, not the friending!

I had a moment the other night, the kind, when I think about it, happens pretty regularly. Not so long ago, I had a close friend who was unsettled and pretty unhappy in her job. She was considering study, and I encouraged her to follow her ambition towards her more creative side. Of course, the idea of returning to study was daunting, and she’d have probably had to keep up working to sustain her responsibilities at the same time, and although we often discussed it, she never did make a change. Not at the time anyway…..

Unfortunately our friendship ended, as sometimes happens in life, despite ourselves. Alas, life goes on. While I was out on the weekend with my husband, enjoying some much needed and appreciated child free couple time, courtesy of my dad taking the kids camping, we stumbled into a club. As we gained entry, a female security guard, took our ID and photograph. Although she looked nothing like my friend, with her boyish blonde hair and stocky build, somehow she made me think of her. I thought to myself, THIS! This was something my friend would probably have enjoyed and been well suited to. She could have worked nights here, studied, and met many interesting people. I wanted to take out my phone and message her straight away to enlighten her about this epiphany of mine!

I told my husband excitedly that she would have been perfect for this role, and he looked at me confused and bewildered, before saying “So? Who cares about her?! You aren’t friends anymore, remember?” Although this wasn’t news to me, technically, for just a moment, I had forgotten that small detail. Forgotten the ending. Remembering it again was quite a painful and unexpected shock. As my mind wandered over the circumstances, I realised that my memories of this person are frozen in time. For all I know she has changed jobs now, or found satisfaction in other areas meaning her job is no longer a particular issue. I have to accept that the reality is that this person was someone I used to know. Not somebody I still do.

Haha! Sorry! I couldn't resist! :) 

This brings about conflicting emotions in me. On the one hand it is deeply painful, like that person has died, because I ceased knowing her or what her dreams and goals are, or what her life resembles these days. On the other hand, it is easier to let that person go. I don’t know her. You can’t hold onto someone you don’t know, not really.  I still refer to this particular woman as my friend, and I probably always will, in reference. Because the person I knew, she was my friend. The person she is now may not be and that has to be ok.

When my social media plagues me with memories of her, and “reminds me” of all the fun times we shared together, because it hates me and loves throwing my failures in my face, lol, I can look at it with a sense of ease. I miss that person, and the friendship we shared, but that person isn’t gone, and nor is her friendship. It existed. It was real, and it was wonderful while it lasted. It will exist so long as my memories of her do, which will be for many years to come. It doesn’t have to be painful. I do not need to forget about her, although I can forget about the ending of us, I just need to remember that she was someone I used to know and not someone I still do.  Remembering her as it was is so much better than remembering the ending.

Often an ugly ending to a friendship, can leave you wondering if you ever really knew that person to begin with, or if your friendship was ever really real. This was a great way to remind myself that it was real and nobody can ever take that away from us. An ending cannot rewrite history, and I should not allow it to taint what was when I look back. Although I didn’t make it to her future and we are not the same people we were, in many ways our friendship, and it’s ending, probably shaped us and helped us grow. It's all written right there in the pages of our history. 

So this is a thank you to that friend, the one I used to know. I haven’t forgotten you and I do think of you often, as a friend, and I always will. (Also a shout out that I think security would be right up your alley! Haha.... Well the version of you that I used to know anyway!)


❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Is Loneliness your friend?

In my last post I touched on the fact that when my inner circle has an opening, I will start trying to fill it. Both consciously and unconsciously. It doesn’t always happen immediately, it does depend on the fallout. If a friendship fades out slowly and naturally, then the replacement process usually happens at a slower more natural pace too. However, if the friendship fall out was sudden and or painful, the loss seems to be felt at a much deeper level.

Agree or disagree as you will, but my comfort number is 5. I feel like all my social needs of giving and usually receiving are at capacity at 5 inner circle friends. So if one suddenly combusts, I definitely start to feel a bit lonely. This seems perfectly reasonable and understandable, doesn’t it.

I think that is supposed to say love?! Lol

They say that the first step is acknowledging the problem, and if I can identify that I am lonely, the solution seems obvious! Start making more effort to grow existing outer circle friendships and acquaintances, or reach out and start looking for new friends! Why not hedge your bets and do both? I often do! So what’s the problem?

The problem is that this sense of loneliness creates a feeling of unnecessary urgency in the process. It heightens your vulnerability to be susceptible to overlooking red flags, racing into friendships with people you don’t really know just to fill the void. It can lead to intense friendships which feel incredibly charged and powerful at first, but exhausting and even addictive longer term. It can cloud your judgement and you might mistake someone liking you as you liking them. (I mean, who isn’t enchanted and intrigued at least by someone who likes them? It’s a powerful elixir!)

Don't get blinded by all the pretty colours too quickly. See what lasts! 

This causes friendship drama down the road when you want to reduce the intensity, cool the friendship, or essentially realise that you don’t have much in common with that person and probably have never been all that compatible. This realization may come when the rose coloured glasses naturally fade, or when, over a period of time, you meet more of the types of people you really feel you “fit” with and gravitate towards them and away from the other person.

Not only is it bad for you, it’s not particularly kind to the other party either. Of course, people change and grow. Maybe they changed or you did and you weren’t always as incompatible as you seem now. The problem isn’t them, nor is it you, but the circumstances under which you met perhaps?

So what can we do to avoid this problem?  Firstly, acknowledge that you miss your ex friend. Sometimes we confuse that with loneliness. Even if you were the one who ended it, you probably (I hope!) did like your friend and miss things about her and your friendship how it was BEFORE things started to decline between you. Secondly, allow yourself to grieve and miss your friend. She cannot be replaced, she was one in a million and no friendship will be quite like hers. Thirdly, focus on yourself. Make goals. Work goals, health and fitness goals, and recreational goals. Spend a period of time sitting with your emotions and just focusing on these goals, I promise by the end of it you wont notice that urgent feeling so much.

Enjoying your alone time is essential for mental health, as are those social needs. Don’t use one to avoid the other in any variation, but be comfortable with both, and they will find a balance that works for you. Once you feel comfortable and better about yourself because you achieved some goals and no longer fear being alone, you are in optimum condition to begin reaching out. Remember you are looking for friendships, not particular people or traits. Be open and see who you meet. You’ll know when you feel chemistry with someone, even platonically, however you will be aware enough to know that a slow burn is better in the long term. Spend time. Slowly get to know people and see who naturally falls into that inner circle, while still nurturing the others who reside there.

Acting on loneliness actually almost always leads to this exact phenomenon ironically enough! It's a nasty cycle. Break the habit!

Remember that the inner circle is always interchangeable and that is normal. Friendships ebb and flow in closeness for a whole range of reasons, and there is nothing WRONG with you! The worst thing you could do is assume that you must be flawed and inadequate in some way. Just keep being you and keep that confidence up regardless of other people, and the right sorts will be drawn to you.  Just because someone has a place in your inner circle doesn’t mean you are entitled to a place in theirs. Similarly, just because someone has been a member “forever” (ForNever even!) doesn’t mean their time there is guaranteed, nor is your time with anyone else.

Enjoy the people in your inner circle for as long as you have them there, and allow themselves, and yourself the freedom to change who resides there from time to time. Keep an open mind, be open to new people, even when you are at capacity, and take a good look at those friends who are in the outer circle. Are you in their inner circle? Is there some reason they didn’t make it to yours? Have you simply overlooked someone, or have they just not blossomed naturally yet. Water the friendship some more and see what blooms.

It must be planted, nurtured, watered, cared for before it blooms, as it blooms and after it blooms. Patience and love will go a long way, and nothing will hurry it along. (Unlike flowers though, bullsh*t wont help in this situation! haha) 

Is loneliness your friend? No, but it also isn't your enemy. You don't desperately need to escape it. Just let it visit and naturally pass. Desperation is off putting to healthy people anyway, so you wont attract the right sorts typically under those conditions. We all feel it occassionally, just don't let it be a permanent state!

Remember that the social need in humans is real, but the more urgent it feels, the less genuine and rewarding the fruits will be. Take your time. Be patient. Have faith. Enjoy the sunshine while you wait, and water your own inner seed. I should take my own advice, and I will! 

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

It takes time. Put time into it, first waiting, then nurturing the soil, then watering it and providing various amounts of shade and light. Time and effort, one flower at a time. The natives to your soul will grow the best, the fastest and last the longest. Enjoy the rest for as long as you have them. x

The friendship life cycle - circle of 5!

Recently, a friend of mine was discussing with me that as a single woman, she often relies heavily on social interactions to meet her emotional needs, but that as most of her friends are coupled, these friendships often seem one sided, and at times exhausting to maintain.

My friend seemed to feel that she had to really put in the effort for these friends, and conduct the friendships on their terms. She felt she didn’t have many friends whom she felt gave as much to the friendships as she does. She says she understands their family lives and that they have less time for her, and sometimes she has to be flexible to fit in around their work, children and partners, however, that always being the one to make all the effort is tiresome.

The conversation rolled around to my personal “Rule of 5.” To recap this for you, I find I am at my social peak when I maintain 5 close core friendships. Any less and I start to feel lonely, and anymore and I start to feel drained and overwhelmed. I give a lot of myself in my friendships, so that may be why my number can be counted on the fingers of one hand! These are the main 5 people I will make effort to maintain strong friendships with and not usually feel "tired" in doing so, because the reward is worth the effort, and the relationships are reciprocal enough that I am not score keeping on who made more effort. 

Wow!

Each person’s number will be unique to them, depending on their friendship style and how much time effort and energy they place into friendships to begin with. There is no right or wrong number, although I think 5 is ideal, 1 is too few, and 10 is probably too many. But hey, each to their own! I was pretty pleased with myself as I encouraged my friend to consider her close friends and put a number on it. My friend had printed pictures of her fur babies for the picture on the front of her personalized Christmas cards this year, and disclosed that she had printed only  10, so that must be her number.

She was pretty pleased to state that I myself had made it into her top 10 close friends! I am going to be honest with you. If I did make it into her top 10, my best guess would be 10th place! Not that I need her to rank us, but although we do at times border on a close friendship, and it may in time grow into a closer one, for now, I’d categorize us into the casual, recreational type of friends. Not that it matters. I have long ago accepted I am an outer circle friend of hers, and likely to stay there. Just as I have my own outer circle friends. What I was asking my friend, was to identify her inner circle friends, and focus on putting more effort into those, rather than exhausting herself keeping up with the likes of me! (Unless I make the top 5! Lol) The point being for her to identify her number, then assess if she is putting effort into the right people.

See how there is 5 in the inner circle there. Point proven! haha

My friend found this a curious circle of friendship life. She poked holes in my number theory, and I wanted to explore that. She asked me, what happens if one of the 5 core friendships end. I was quick to admit that I will immediately “begin the hunt” for a replacement, and to be honest, it doesn’t usually take too long to find myself back at 5! She asked, in your need to fulfill your “quota” (she said this with a heavily sarcastic tone. I do love how we laugh together!) does this sometimes lead you to make poorer choices? In reflection, yes. It does. She has a valid point that at times I have indeed added someone to the core circle who wasn’t really compatible with me to begin with, or someone I didn’t know well enough to have naturally developed inner circle bonds with! (Post on that to follow for sure! Stay tuned)

She also asked me if I ever move people from my outer circle up to my inner circle. That question sat uncomfortably in the air as I pondered my response and reluctantly admitted that perhaps for a time, a person from the outer circle would be moved up a level, however it was usually only temporary, to fill a need. That experience with these people have taught me that outer circle works for us and inevitably they seem to fall back there.  She asked if they knew that they were outer circle friends, and I sheepishly looked at the floor and mumbled “I hope not!” Although with at least one of these friends, I believe I am also her outer circle friend too, so that feels ok! Haha Awkward. We don’t discuss it that’s for sure! Lol

The last question she asked perturbed me the most. If I am only capable of 5, what happens when I am at capacity and I meet someone new I want to add in? I could feel her eyes boring into my soul as the ugly truth revealed itself. I met her gaze, gave her a wicked grin and said matter of factly. “Yes. Someone will hit the chopping block!” How awful! I know! Let me explain!! ….

That’s not to say that any of my friendships failed because someone better came along! They didn't! If only it were that simple! However it stands to reason that in order to give that friendship the oxygen it needs to burn, the intensity of some of my other friendships is going to reduce. It is not a calculated decision where I make a list and cross someone off! I do try and maintain more than 5 if I am lucky enough to meet worthy people! (Worthy. Got tickets on myself much?! I’m only digging a deeper hole for myself here aren’t I?!) The thing is, some friendships require more oxygen to survive than others. When I reduce that oxygen, some of them just fizzle out. They needed that intensity to keep burning.

While at the start of a new friendship, there often is that rush and that excited intensity, if it continues to need that same level to burn, it has probably become unhealthy. Very few friendships in this category have learned, on either side, to handle the reduced flow! Jealousies and insecurities creep in and cracks start to form at the foundation. A little bit of space becomes a whole lot of drama or distance, usually both! 

Of course, sometimes it boils down to “You seem to like friend 6 more than you like me?” There is no easy or nice way to say this, but often, that is the cold hard truth. You can’t always explain the chemistry you feel with someone, even in friendship, and nor should you have to. After all, one of the best things about friendships are the non-monogamous, voluntary, open nature of them. If I choose to emotionally move away from one in favour of the other, that is ok. Even if I have known one longer than the other. If that turns out to be a mistake on my part, and I have been burned by this before, then that is my cross to bare!

Sorry. Sometimes it be's like that! :/ 

I have been on the brutal receiving end of this emotional shift myself, so I do understand how confusing and hurtful it can be when a close friend suddenly pulls away somewhat in favour of somebody else. Experience has taught me to tolerate the shift and wait back in the outer circle for another opening, IF the friendship means enough to me that is. Let the new friend have the oxygen that is needed to grow a new inner circle companion, then there will be plenty to go around in time. One hand feeds the other.

I can’t help this. 5 is my natural instinctual number. None of us have unlimited energy to give to friendships, nor unlimited oxygen to keep them burning on high heat. If a friendship can't simmer, I guess it will burn out... or you will, trying to maintain too many friendships and finding none of them are that close or maybe even reciprocal as a result.

What’s your natural number?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

This is true regardless of your number. This is what it is all about. Increasing the value regardless of the size.