10 Tips To Be A Better Friend To Yourself During Social Distancing

1. Go easy on yourself. You can’t be all things to all people. It won’t be possible to work from home, while teaching, cleaning and cooking. Lower your expectations of yourself.

2. Feel whatever you feel, knowing there is no right or wrong way to feel and that these feelings change. You might be loving the change today and hating it tomorrow. Or feeling withdrawn and pessimistic one week but happy and social the next, and stressed out after that. There is no right answer.

3. Try to indulge yourself in something that makes you happy everyday. Maybe it is ice cream, or binge watching Netflix or a 4 hour phone call to your mum or a comedy special a day. Whatever makes you feel a bit more positive and distracts you.

4. Get Takeaway if you can, guilt free. The businesses need the money and you need a break from cooking and to spoil yourself.

5. Do something physical each day. Get your endorphins pumping, get your steps in, play back yard cricket. Whatever it takes to get you outside and moving even if it is only in your back yard.

Stress relief, everybody wins!

6. Do something relaxing/pampering each day. Read a book, do an at home beauty treatment, watch your favourite movie, meditate or have a quiet coffee or wine alone wherever you can find a space.

7. Journal. Keep notes of how you are feeling and be honest about it. This will be interesting for you and others in the future to reflect back on this part of history. Include the pros and cons of your situation, and the daily practicalities that may be interesting to reflect back on in years to come. Small details likely to be forgotten once this is all over.

8. Think of things you like to do for entertainment and find ways to recreate them at home. If you like to have cocktails at the club on the weekends, mix up a few at home and put the radio on. If you like to go to the cinema, grab some popcorn and turn off the lights with a film. If you like to have dinner with your friends, make a time to video call with them all as you sit down to eat. Play games. Together, and alone. Video games, board games, on your phone, virtually with friends. Keep your mind active and your social skills functioning?

9. Make new goals. Some of your life goals may need to go on hold or relax a little right now. But it doesn’t mean you can’t set other goals. Finish a jigsaw, sort out the linen closet or write your book. Humans do well when we have things to strive towards, however small, and enjoy a sense of accomplishment and control in chaos.

10. Be kind to yourself.

There is no right or wrong ways to handle this. There is no right amount to keep in touch with others or to eat or to exercise. These are just suggestions of ways to keep your mental health strong. If you are really struggling then make sure you utilise all the mental health services currently available to you. 


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Why new mums especially need friends!

Reflecting back on my friendship journey, I think it all started to change specifically when I had my firstborn. Until then the familial roles cast upon me were secondary to being myself. I could be a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, a niece and a grand-daughter, whilst also being myself. Sure, within those roles were some heavy expectations and pressures, which is why many of us turn to friendships to begin with. Friends love us as we are without much thought for who we become, and without much pressure to be anything or anyone we aren’t.

I had typically intense friendships in my teenage years, followed by juggling those friendships with my work/partner/study as I matured, adding and subtracting a few along the way. What I valued about friendships, was that they were in so many ways, the best parts of other important relationships without the element of pressure. Family loves you unconditionally perhaps, however with that comes certain pressures and expectations meaning you’re not always free to be your true self. Partners love you beyond friendship, but with that comes the pressures of managing finances, physical intimacy and extended or blending families.

Friends are the people who like you just as you are. They choose to spend time with you for enjoyment and support, not because they have to, but because they want to. Friends are often the people who know the most about your truest self, and the ones who have no expectations of who you will become, just enjoying and embracing who you are. They are also the people who remember who you were.

Never has this felt more important than when I had my firstborn. I walked into that hospital as myself, and I walked out as someone’s mother. The identity shift was huge and immediate. A few years later I married and lost not only my name, but also gained another new identity as wife. While I was prepared, as much as anyone could be at 26, for sleepless nights and being dictated to by a small being that appeared to scream at me all day in some language I did not yet understand but was going to need to learn quickly, what I was not prepared for was the complete loss of myself.
I had my daughter at that same hospital less than a year after my wedding. I looked for my identity, thinking I may have left it behind a chair or something, but it felt I had lost even more upon leaving again as a wife and mother of 2!

I was the first of my friend group to start having babies. I was fortunate enough that they were all excited and supportive of me, however they would come and visit, filling me in on the gossip of what was happening in their lives, their careers, their relationships and their social calendar. But all they would ask me about was the baby. To be fair, what else did I have to talk about? Although I had planned on returning to work, I was told when the time came that it wasn’t possible to return part time as I had planned, so didn’t end up returning at all. So that was another aspect of my identity I lost.

My friends would assume I was not interested or available for social outings and I found I dropped off the invite list. Most things were not baby friendly, you see. Again, I probably was too tired to go anyway, but it was just another of the ways that myself was being buried under a mountain of the roles that were now weighing me down.

So what I found quite quickly was that I was isolated. I loved hearing from my friends, but I was boring company for them. They would visit then return to their lives and forget about me, stuck with 2 little ones and nobody to talk to. A few years in, my oldest was diagnosed with special needs. Another role to assume. Advocate. Another piece of myself was squeezed out to make room for this.

I joined mothers group. While it was wonderful to be in a room full of women travelling the same path, at many points it was some sort of unspoken competition about which baby met milestones faster and who was the best at assuming this new identity. All talking babies and how much they loved being new mothers.

Was I the only one struggling? I couldn’t even really identify the problem, just that I felt I used to be a human with merit and value and then suddenly almost without warning I had been erased and replaced with a newer model. People no longer asked me how I was, they asked how the baby was. People no longer asked if I had eaten, but only when the baby was fed. I loved my babies and my husband, so why wasn’t this enough?

Then one day, something small but significant happened. One of the mothers’ group ladies invited me to the movies. WITHOUT the babies. I didn’t know this was still allowed? And we had a cocktail first. And we spoke about how hard we were finding this transition, the strains on our relationships, the expectations of family and society and that we missed our freedom.

At that moment I realised that my friends were my lifeline. They were my connection to myself and I needed to spend more time with them! I became intentional about my friendships. I opened up about my struggles. I joined a playgroup and it got me out of the house once a week, making small talk with women who would, in years to come, become very important friends in my life.

I left the kids at home sometimes to be me, to see my friends and to remember, as much as to remind them that I was still a person with my own wants, needs and worth.  That I was still there for them too. That I was still me, and I needed them to help me remember who that is while the rest of the world wanted me to forget. I wasn’t ready to “put my memories of myself in a shoebox on the closet shelf!” Curtis Stigers To Be Loved

Friendships were the answer to my happiness, and without them, even the ones who didn’t make the distance, I wouldn’t be writing this blog today. So thank you to all my friends who saw me through it all, and who keep my foundation of self strong enough that it can hold the weight of all the other roles built upon it, and for helping me patch up cracks along the way instead of pretending we don’t see them crumbling. Your friendship saved me, not just in having you as a friend, but in remembering I could still be one too!

Mothers can’t be the best they can be without first being truly themselves. The cup they pour from must be full in order to nourish their children, and friends are the people with whom we can be fully, selfishly ourselves without guilt. And you can’t put a price on that, although friendships are worth their weight in gold!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When a friend is consistently inconsistent!!

Have you ever had a friendship where it felt like a bit of a rollercoaster ride? The kind where you are best friends one minute, then don’t hear from them again in months? The kind who tells you they value you more than any other friend, then doesn’t treat you in a way that makes the statement feel true?

I am a relatively organised person. I value things like routine and being on time. Consistency helps me feel secure in this world, and inconsistency triggers insecurity. I am going to go ahead and assume that I am not alone in this. So one of the things I struggle with most is inconsistency in my friendships.

It sounds like I am pretty high maintenance, and you know what, maybe I am, but I do like to think that I am worth the extra effort it takes to make sure I know what to expect from people. If you are consistently late or consistently flaky, then I can handle that. I know to keep my investment in you low, make sure I don’t plan super important events with you and realise when you say 6pm you really mean 7pm.

What troubles me is when our intimacy is inconsistent. When sometimes I feel very close to you then suddenly it feels like you are distant and cold emotionally. I know we all withdraw into ourselves at different times for different reasons, however if this becomes your pattern, I begin to feel punished, used and disposable.

I notice if you are super close with me the same month you break up with someone, and then suddenly become avoidant when you get back together. I notice if I find out some important information through the grapevine that I thought you would have told me yourself, before you told the person I heard it from. I notice when you tell me I am your best friend, then leave my message unread  or unanswered for 3 days. (And yes, I did see you were active when I sent it.) I notice if you told me you were working that day to cancel plans with me then later mention that you actually went shopping with someone else. I notice how sweet you are before you ask me for a favour, and how quickly you disappear again after expressing your unending gratitude for my services. I notice when I nurse you through a break up and you reply dismissively to my own relationship concerns.

I value intimacy, basically, and I notice when it isn’t reciprocated in little ways, and the things that people put in place to block intimacy. As I already mentioned, I know we all have days/times even when we need to block out the world and focus on ourselves, to recharge, and only have enough energy to deal with the most urgent things around us. A broadcast isn’t always necessary, and I will do my best to deal with my insecurities alone and remind myself that the whole premise of this blog is basically “calm down, it isn’t about you.” This is true.

Yet time and time again I find myself with people who seem to yo-yo on how much they value my time and attention. I know in some cases, maybe even most of them, circumstances play a part. Naturally someone recently single is more available than someone recently coupled up.  So most of the time with these sorts of people, when they are warm it is because of something to do with the other aspects of their lives. If they fell out with someone else, they may be looking for more intimacy. If they are on leave from work they may have more time to fill, for example. Similarly if they just had a baby, they have less time to offer and less emotional capacity because they just took on a higher mental load, or if they have a best friend and I don’t then I might be craving more closeness than they are.

That is all warranted, however, what do you do when someone acts like your best friend one minute, then isn’t reliable when you need a best friend the next? Match their lowest level of investment. Treat this person like a casual friend. Perhaps you have at times shared deep moments and conversations, however that is not the normal for this person and you will be disappointed if you expect it to be.

If you don’t have a low level of investment you will consistently feel rejected each time the cool front returns. It’s not that you can’t enjoy this person for what they offer, you can, but if you expect more than they offer, you will always feel needy, insecure and likely rejected on some level. Awful as it is to admit, we probably all have a ‘sometimes, when I am bored’ friend. If that is true then we are all that person to someone else.  So be aware when it feels inconsistent that probably means you like them more than they like you. Neediness will not make this better.

You like them so you can keep a few eggs in their basket… but don’t put them all in there, and don’t be surprised if the ones you do leave there get broken. It isn’t that your friend doesn’t care about you. I am sure they do, it’s just that they don’t care about the friendship to the same level as you do.

Match their level of indifference and see if they notice.  Sometimes these people don’t even notice how they are treating you and expect you to be available and will be shocked when you are not at their beck and call. Sometimes it earns not only their attention, but their respect.

You teach people how to treat you, so be available and consistent with friends who are the same with you, and accept that your friendship with someone inconsistent is not going to be as close as you hoped unless THEY make the effort. If they want to, they will.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Things that make Friendship Sweeter than Easter and Eggs!

1. You can enjoy them all year round.

2. You don’t (usually) have to share your friends with your kids/colleagues/family.

3. You can celebrate friendship regardless of faith/religion/beliefs.

4. While they are moreish, 1 or 2 (or 5) is plenty.

5. You can have as many as you like, the more you have the healthier you feel!

6. If your friend is a good egg, they are sweet on the inside, but good for you.

7. Friendships have no expiration date. (Not visible ones anyway!)

8. Quality friendships are free, if chosen wisely.

9. Nobody has to pretend to be a rabbit, or anything else that they aren’t! You can just be yourself!

10. Friends can share the chocolate, twice the fun and half the calories!

HAPPY EASTER READERS! HOPE YOU CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS!

Staying Connected During Social Distancing and Coronavirus!

It can be hard at the best of times to stay connected to those around us in the busy lives we lead, so for those of us already struggling and feeling isolated, it is even more imperative that we find ways to stay connected to each other. For me, quality time and activities together have always been really important aspects of friendship. I need to feel connected to people who show up for me, like literally put in the hours and face time. So social distancing is going to be challenging to endure.

Not only do I like my friends to show up for me, I like to show up for them too. So, for example, when 2 friends and my own son’s birthday plans had to be cancelled in late march, I really felt sad and disconnected and like I had let my people down. It left me unable to visit, nowhere to suggest as an alternative catch up and no means to give my friends their gifts, which is one of the ways I show love.

I know this too shall pass, and when it does, we will celebrate the freedoms to socialise. We can celebrate all the missed events, our good health and pay our respects, and offer our warm condolences to family and friends of those who didn’t survive the virus. We can and will rebuild after we reassess what was worth rebuilding and make way for new things we discover on this journey off the beaten track. However, we don’t yet know when that will be. And until then, it is going to be harder to feel connected, to show up and to feel people are showing up for you.

Friendship isn’t a top priority for most of us at the best of times, so it is understandable that right now the world and the individuals in it appear to have more pressing matters on their mind. That said, we are all feeling the stress, anxiety, worry and personal implications. People are losing jobs, incomes, homes, lives, holidays and routines. And we need to come together, while staying apart, to get through this.

I personally have never been so interested in the news and talked so much politics with my friends. We have reached out to talk about our fears, stresses, and anxieties and share the latest things we have been reading and seeing in the world around us. We are reaching out every few days, if not daily and showing people more connectedness (there I go making up words again?!) than we otherwise would. We are doing our best to comfort and support each other as much as we are seeking that same connection and support! A few of my friendships that were starting to feel a little bit stale have been refreshed as we remember that we need each other.

Added to that as many parts of the country, and the world start systematically shutting down, we are finally finding we actually do have more time to remember to reach out to our friends. To reconnect and reassess why we didn’t make time to do so before? There are so many ways to keep in touch when you are apart.  From snail mail, to emails, to phone calls, to instant messages and video calls. We all know HOW to stay in touch, and hopefully we will still make even more effort to be there when we cannot be there.

But the thing I have found most comforting has been an unofficial thing I have been doing with some friends where we send each other something every day that made us smile. The funniest misunderstood song lyrics clip, or a funny meme, or a picture of our kid or our pet. An inspirational message or a one liner about social distance.

This is an unprecedented situation that threatens to tear us apart. But we cannot let that happen. United we must stand, through the good, the bad and the ugly. We must learn from each other, encourage and support each other and try to bring as much positivity to each other as we can. Sometimes that means listening and validating someone’s fears and struggles, and sometimes it means letting someone know you’re thinking of them.

Letting your front line friends know that you are grateful for the work they are doing, but making sure they are coping ok. Letting your friend who lost their job know that you will be there to help them rebuild on the other side. Letting your parents know you miss them and haven’t forgotten about them. And sometimes it means providing a distraction by talking about irrelevant things, uplifting things or silly things.

All the politicians are concerned about the economy, warranted or not, so that leaves it up to us to be concerned for each other.

Keep smiling and keep your people smiling as much as you can. Stay strong, and as much as you can, stay connected. And make a promise to yourself to stay just as connected when this is all over!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When does a break, become a break UP?

We all need space from time to time. Either in general or from one person specifically. When it is the latter, this often comes after an intense period of closeness which may be considered “too close for comfort,” or from a fall out of some description.

I know I have used “space” in the past to avoid conflict and hope it would go away. To feel my anger, hurt and sadness until they pass to the point that I just miss that person and want to see them again. To process whatever did, or even did not happen and how I feel about it, how I choose to view it, and if I can justify it somehow for myself. It might not sound great on paper, but honestly it works a lot of the time.

I have also been on the receiving end of the space, taken by a friend, for reasons I will probably never know. It’s a funny thing though, this silence from people is felt, it screams loudly, although is generally not acknowledged. You know you are on the receiving end of space, when you are justifying to yourself how someone else spends their time, and what else they have going on right now.

Example “Jayne didn’t call this week, that’s odd. I usually always hear from her. Did I say or do something upsetting last time we spoke? No, I am sure she is just busy, she did have that triathlon coming up so she is probably just training and focussing on that? I hope I haven’t upset her?!..... Then Jayne finally calls and either neither of you mention her hiatus, or alternatively, Jayne says “I’m sorry I didn’t call last week, I have been so busy.” You smile and say casually “That’s ok, I was also really busy last week!” (Busy trying to figure out if Jayne was mad at you! Without asking her of course!)

Things like this happen all the time. Jayne took a break to calm herself and then it all blew over nicely. Unless, this happens, on either end so frequently that one of you decides to label the space, and asks to take a break from your friendship, by taking some space from each other. Then it is usually pretty clear that there is an issue, even if one of you doesn’t exactly know what it is.

If one of you has asked to take some space from the other, it is highly likely a palpable and prolonged silence will ensue. And even if feelings do resolve, this silence can become incredibly difficult to overcome. Someone has to go first. Who goes first and what do they say? Going back to my example, if Jayne asked me for space, I wont feel welcome to reach out to Jayne. That disrespects her request, and assumes she is ready at the same point as me. However if Jayne has asked for space, she too may find it difficult to reach out. Should she apologise for taking space although she believes you did something to warrant it? Does Jayne even want the space to end?

And that is where the lines get blurry between taking a break, and breaking up. This can be true if you talk about it or not. Sometimes these breaks that become break ups are completely unspoken and you might not realise until you are quite a way into it that it is even happening. If you only ever spoke to Jayne once a month, you could be 3 months in to her silence before you hear it, but once you do hear it, it quickly becomes all you can hear. Even if you reach out yourself in this instance, an un-returned phone call or ignored message is not easily forgotten.

Even if the feeling is mutual, on some level you are aware that you are fading out of one another’s lives, or actively letting go of someone who is leaving just by saying nothing of their absence.

So how do you know if your friendship is on a break, or broken? The truth is, that if nobody says anything, then that is when a break becomes a break up. One of you has to have the courage to reach out. If you’re reading this article, then that person is probably you! Sorry! Lol

If the friendship is worth it to you, then you will have to say something and risk rejection. What you say is up to you, and depends on yourself and your friendship. While it has been known to work if both people want it enough, just resuming talking as if nothing ever happened is a risky manoeuvre. It is better pulled off face to face if you happen to spontaneously meet somewhere. However addressing the issue is also not without its risks. It could cause the issue and feelings to resurface, or ultimately your friend could continue ignoring you or officially end the friendship.

As someone who has taken space, had space taken, had friendships survive and had them fail, all I can tell you is that you cannot control the outcome of this. Either your friend wants to continue the relationship or she doesn’t. There is only one way to find out, and if you are googling it, then it is an answer you seek. If your friendship is worth it, you have to say something and show your friend she is worth the risk regardless of who initiated space or why.

If you’re hoping your break doesn’t become a break UP, then you have to break the silence. Ice breaking suggestions include, from least risky to most, sending a cute or funny meme, sending a message saying “thinking of you” or “hi, how are you?” sending flowers and an apology, even if it is just the word sorry. Suggesting an activity to do together, calling and asking directly if you can talk (make sure some space has passed to respect their request for time to process their thoughts and feelings) or showing up to their place and asking to hug it out because you can’t live without them one second longer.

I have learned that if you don’t want to lose someone, you have to let them know, because if you don’t then it feels a lot to them like letting go! (To be clear if they reject your advances, letting go is the only option, but you can do so with peace in your heart that you tried.)

GOOD LUCK!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The friend who tells you how you feel

Let me start by saying, don’t be that friend!!! Our friends are well meaning, or at least we hope they are. Occasionally they may get us wrong. They may assume we are torn up about our marriage break up even though we actually feel relief, or they may think we are angry with them when in reality we just haven’t had a chance to respond to their message yet.  This happens, but with simple communication, these blunders are easily cleared up.

However sometimes we meet someone who seems to insist on telling us how we feel. It may be in small ways, like debating with you if you say you aren’t hungry. “What? You haven’t eaten since we got here, we have been here all day? You MUST be hungry?” And so you go and eat because it seems important to your friend, who probably is hungry and doesn’t want to eat alone. Or it may be in bigger ways like when you express how tired you are because you were up with the baby all night and your friend proceeds to tell you that you actually have depression.

Look, I’m not an expert, if you think maybe you might have depression, then see your doctor about it, but it is possible to just be tired, like you said you were, whether or not you feel depressed! I know from experience how that can affect you. I wasn’t depressed until you said I was, hearing that was depressing!  Another example might be when you say you feel fat, for example and your friend pipes up to reassure you that you are not fat! Regardless of your size, you weren’t actually talking about the facts, you were talking about how you feel.

On the one hand, I get it. Empathy requires us to tune in to those around us and feel with them. Put ourselves in their position and feel for ourselves as they might feel. It is a beautiful thing to empathise, and important too. However, we are all individuals so how we feel and respond to certain things might not be how our friend does. Guessing is sometimes the best we can do, if a friend isn’t really talking….. but if she is telling us how she feels, who are we to correct her?

Telling someone how they feel, even if it is well intentioned, is the best way to get them further away from discussing how they feel?! A big benefit of friendships is expressing and exploring our feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about things. Even if you are concerned your friend is suffering depression, listening to them and coaxing them to draw their own conclusions about how they feel, is much more helpful than telling them.

The truth of the matter is, sometimes we aren’t too sure how we feel, or we have confusing and conflicting emotions about certain things. Certain feelings are harder to admit than others. Some people believe anger is an emotion that should not be felt or expressed, some people struggle to admit when they are struggling emotionally and need help, and some people might struggle to admit how they feel about their partner or their sexuality. I know that when I express myself to people and they tell me I am confused, it is a phase or I will grow out of my own queerness, it is unhelpful and uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. That’s the main reason why people tell you how you feel, because they are uncomfortable with what you have said or what you feel and they don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Alternatively they can’t relate to how you feel and humans like to relate to one another. The other reason they tell you how you feel is because they want you to feel what they feel. They want you to see things their way, which is often so much simpler on the outside looking in, however never as simple when you are in it!

Sometimes out of concern for people, we tell them how they should feel, even if they don’t feel it. We might say we would feel angry if that happened to us, or that they should feel hurt and never trust someone again after a betrayal, or that they should not feel happy in their relationship because we wouldn’t.

The truth is, we never really know how we would feel about any given situation until we are in it, even if we think we know how we would feel. And there is no one way anyone should feel about anything. Feelings are uncomfortable because they aren’t facts. They contradict, change, pass, grow, simmer, explode and wash over us sometimes. And this makes our friends uncomfortable.

To be a good friend, sometimes you have to be uncomfortable with someone’s feelings. Just sit with them and listen. We don’t get to tell people how they feel. But through talking it out, however uncomfortable, we become closer. Essentially we all want to feel heard and validated, but if you are challenging how someone feels, it’s a pretty big sign that you are talking when you should be listening and you aren’t hearing your friend. If that is the case, don’t expect them to hear you either.

So what should you do if your friend tells you how you feel? Ask them if they want to know how you feel about being told how you feel!!! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Secrets of a lifelong friendship

I am in my late 30’s. Most of my friends are a collection of people I have picked up along the way, and as is evident by the nature and title of the blog and website most have not lasted particularly long in the scheme of things. However I am lucky to still have at least 2 friends I met in school. I consider these both to be lifelong friendships, although one friend I made in early high school around age 13 or 14 and the other I made at the start of primary school around the age of 6 or 7! That makes our friendship over 30 years old. Not to brag, but I do kinda think that is impressive, when we are not even 40 yet!

So I thought I would write a piece reflecting on what it has taken to stay close all these years and maintain a friendship through it all. There are 5 main things that stand out to me. Let’s discuss those.

1. Growing WITH your friend.

My earliest friend and I have quite literally grown up together. We met before common values were important or before we had any idea who we really were or who we would become. All we needed to know as little girls was that we liked each other and enjoyed spending time together. It is important to note that there were periods over the years where this friend and I were not close. Times when we explored other people and grew in different directions. However the one thing that never changed was that we still grew our own friendship. We always still considered each other friends, no matter how much difference grew between us, and we always welcomed time together regardless of circumstances. One thing never changed…. We still enjoyed spending time together even when it became less frequent.

2. Flexibility

This brings me to my next point, that our expectations of one another were flexible. Although we were best friends as little girls, we were no longer best friends by the end of primary school. We both had to adjust to the individual identities we were exploring and accept that with that came exploring new friendships – ALONE. When we were younger, we were joined at the hip, if one of us had a new friend, that was a group friend. However, slowly we learned to allow each other the space and freedom to enjoy other friendships and accept that these other friendships didn’t threaten our own, or take anything away from it. This stayed true even when we started prioritising other friends over each other.

3. Forgiveness.

Although this parting was mutual and a normal part of growing up, that doesn’t mean it was always easy and pain free. It wasn’t. I really hurt my friend early on when I excluded her from a friendship with my neighbour. Looking back I can see I had a crush on this particular girl, which is probably why I valued her exclusive attention. But I didn’t have the language or the knowledge to articulate that then and my friend was hurt by my deliberate exclusion of her. Similarly when my friend went through her own “bad girl” stage, I felt hurt by the insinuation that I was somehow not “cool” enough to spend time with. But instead of being bitter, my friend helped me make valentines day cards for my crush, even if she was confused by it, and I helped my friend get out of trouble later when she needed it. We didn’t hold each other accountable for our own feelings, we dealt with them, privately. Sometimes saying nothing really is the best course of action. We have talked about it now though, obviously!

4. Acceptance.

When I met both of these lifelong friends, we accepted each other exactly as we were, warts and all. When I met the first one, that is what you did, but by the time I met the second one, this was a rare quality. Teenagers are much more choosy about friendships, not to mention critical, angsty and judgmental. With so much peer pressure, it was so nice to meet someone with whom I could be completely unfiltered and feel loved, valued and accepted. My friends and I now, as adults, couldn’t be more different. One is loud and assertive, while I am quiet and hate confrontation, and she has opposing values and political beliefs. I know because we can discuss things openly without it becoming a debate. She is a career oriented, independent woman while I am a stay at home mum, otherwise known as a kept woman. The other is a particular, neat, perfectionist, but despite that is very carefree and disorganised to a degree. While I am messy, yet uptight and organised and scheduled. Somehow acceptance just as we are makes us the perfect opposites for each other.

5. Time.

Perhaps the most important secret to these friendships is the time we spend together. The conscious effort we make to show up and put in the time face to face. I know there were times when I couldn’t really be bothered. Times I was too self centred and may have let the friendships fade or fizzle, but showed up anyway, because it was important to my friend. Other times they had too much going on for themselves, were too tired or lack lustre, but they showed up for me anyway. Not out of obligation, but out of care and commitment and kindness. Because we all knew it was too important to let go of. Sure, things have been cancelled, there have been months in between catch up’s at times, but we always reschedule and eventually show up.

Maybe the biggest secret is this. Think of them as a friend regardless of anything and treat them as a friend, with kindness and respect and forgiveness and understanding. Keep communicating, even when you can’t spend time, keep in touch and show interest in each other. When things get tricky, allow some space, but always do so in such a way that tells them “I will miss you and welcome you back anytime, because I love you.” That’s really all you can do. If someone wants to stay in your life, they will, if they feel welcome to do so. And if they don’t? That’s ok. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. But treasure the ones that are, whatever age you meet them!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you your best friend’s best friend?

Best friends! As an adult the term actually makes me cringe, even though the name of my website is Best Friends the ForNever part is important. That said, I agree that Best Friendships exist and when you are in them they are wonderfully warm, rich, rewarding, and they do feel secure, even although in my experience, they aren’t. To be fair, no relationship is, why should friendship be any different.

I used to have best friend’s. Only one at a time, but they changed over the years. At first that came as quite a shock, then for a while I was pleased to be able to report that you could share that intense bond with more than one person although not more than one at a time. As the last one deteriorated I decided that the term best friend was adding unnecessary pressure and expectations to the friendships which was making them near impossible to sustain. Not to mention impacting my other friendships and limiting them due to my exclusive status with someone else.

When I came to that conclusion, that is when my idea for this blog was born. So I do understand how it feels to have a best friend. For me, I have decided to invest in around 5 close friends, each who meets a need and with whom we discuss different albeit personal details of our lives. Many of these women call me their “Best Friend.”

Most of them understand that I don’t feel the same way, not to detract from our friendship, but because our experiences and values are different and I choose to have more than one close friend. I don’t give them priority, but in the same token, I also don’t give it to anybody else, either. I share the same amount of time with them and try to be present with them when we are together. I try to remember details and follow up and be there for them when they need me to be. (I wont lie, this has been tricky to navigate at times when 2 or more needed me at the same time and I had to “choose” which was more urgent, however that happens rarely!)

I guess it is an understanding I have reached with my current friends, that I am non-monogamous and they accept this. However, I do know at certain times, depending on mutual circumstances any one of them can feel like my best friend. Perhaps we have spent a lot of time together recently, supported each other through something similar or shared an experience that has bonded us in a way we wouldn’t have been without it. So while I don’t label it best friends, the feelings are there and I appreciate that they are mutual.

Some of my friends call a few of their other friends best friend’s too. There is nothing wrong with having 3 best friends, if that is how you choose to define it. However, when a friend recently spoke about her best friend, it was the first time I realised, it wasn’t me! Haha Until then I thought she considered me her best friend, and I found myself feeling a bit awkward about it and questioning our friendship and how this other friendship could possibly be closer than ours.

I suppose that is when that exclusive clause comes into effect and causes you to start comparing unnecessarily. I did ruminate on this for a night. I did sit with the uncomfortable feelings of sadness and even jealousy, before it dawned on me that nothing about our friendship had changed. My friend was still open and warm with me and we still enjoyed time together. We were still close and shared intimacy and emotional depth. The whole time I had known her, she had this other best friend. I knew she had this friend, I just didn’t know of their status until my friend casually mentioned it (probably quite by accident) in conversation.

At first I wanted to ask questions about this other friend, and challenge their friendship in some way. Ask my friend to justify and reassure me that I was good too! Haha Thankfully I resisted the urge and acted maturely!

My rumination naturally turned into reflection of all that I enjoyed about this friend and that nothing had to change, liking someone more does not mean liking me less. If the amount she liked me hadn’t changed, and the amount I liked her hadn’t changed, then I decided to swallow it and let the thoughts and feelings pass, and smile to myself and say, if I did have a best friend, maybe it would be her! I expressed that to her and she was really touched, she actually cried and said it meant a lot to her that I valued her so much, and she loved me too.

Really when you have a best friend, what you feel is love. And if they feel it too, it doesn’t matter what you call it, because it is felt not heard. It is between 2 people regardless of status and irrespective of the other relationships they share with others. Friendship is a connection, not a competition.

If you have someone you feel close enough to, that you choose to call them a best friend, then that is special; cherish it, no need to compare it. It is enough as it is. For now, anyway. Enjoy it as long as it lasts!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

NOTE If you have someone who feels you are a best friend and you do not reciprocate the sentiment, take it as a compliment! You are a really special friend to that person, but friendships don’t have to be monogamous or exclusive so don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to meet their expectations of a best friend. Keep offering what you are, that appears to be enough!

5 signs you’re having an emotional affair with your friend

So, first of all, if you are reading this article, that’s not a great sign! Guilty as charged?! Haha Secondly it feels important to note that emotional affairs happen irrespective of gender and sexuality. So what are the signs?

1. Your partner feels jealous or excluded by your friendship, or alternatively, probably would if your friend was the opposite gender.

While they can and do occur between men and women, they can equally occur between 2 men or 2 women even if neither of you have same sex inclinations. A pretty good test is to imagine your friend as the gender you are attracted to. For example if you are a heterosexual woman who has a best female friend, would your same friendship cross emotional lines if that friend was a male? Would your partner be uncomfortable with it? If the answer is yes, then that is the first sign!!

2. You prefer the company of your friend.

Ok, so girls night out is way more fun than staying in with your partner and the kids watching another reality tv show. Fair enough, nobody is debating it. But if you have one friend in particular that you consistently would rather be spending time with, then you are pushing the limits. If you are always on the phone to this one person while your partner is waiting for your attention, or this is the first person you think of to try new and exciting things with, you could have a problem.

3. You share exclusive secrets with your friend that your partner should know.  

Some things, like your best friends relationship problems are not your place to discuss with your partner, and that is ok. Not all secrets are bad. Similarly, we all need someone to vent to, so even if you have complained about your partner’s snoring even though you tell your partner it doesn’t bother you, I will let you pass. However, if you are sharing things with your friend that you think your partner should know, then you are in dangerous territory. If there are serious issues you, your significant other, your family or your relationship are facing, the best person to be talking to is the one it concerns. If you feel you cannot express yourself as freely with your partner, then you need to ask yourself why that is and if it is possible to increase the vulnerability in your relationship if you want it to last.

4. You exaggerate your problems with your partner to your friend.

It is well established that supporting friends through hardships can bring us closer. However if you find yourself bad mouthing your partner and exaggerating issues as a way to create intimacy and feel closer or more exclusive with your friend this is a red flag. Similarly, if you feel jealous of your friend’s partner or other friends and family they spend time with, you have to ask yourself if you are in fact harbouring a secret crush or indulging in a fantasy relationship with them.


5. You flirt with your friend or are actually attracted to them.

Many people call it harmless banter, but if you flirt with your friend, you have to ask yourself why? Especially if your dynamic with your partner isn’t flirty. If you love to flirt so much, why not try bringing some of that energy to the right place.  If you and your friend have your own codes, languages and jokes that your partner isn’t “in on” then this is probably crossing a boundary. If you are more physically close to them than your partner would feel comfortable with, or joke that one day you will run off together, you are probably on thin ice.

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you if you are having an emotional affair, however if you suspect you are, or your partner feels that you are, then you probably are. I know you simply adore your friend, they make your world better and you couldn’t imagine life without them! The good news is, that you don’t have to! The problem isn’t with your friendship. If you put more energy into bringing some of that spark and life back into your relationship instead of escaping it or moaning about it to your friend, you might find you have double the reasons to be excited.

You don’t have to include your partner in your friendship. I am a big believer in separate friends, but if your partner feels you like them every bit as much as your friend, then that will go a very long way, and being able to have fun and open up at home will not necessarily detract from your friendships either. Friendships and relationships can co-exist, and if they can’t you may have to ask yourself which is more important? (Hint: There is no right answer to that, only you know what is right for you.)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Planning for your planner

In keeping with the general theme of love languages from last week, I wanted to explore my need for quality time and how I go about meeting that need. Last week I touched on this and how I am not shy about being proactive. My friends tend to consider me the social secretary, the one who organises things, books things and is always looking for the next event we can do to share time and space together.

I have one friend who loves a good cocktail, so I keep an eye out for special cocktails we can try, and suggest a night for a few drinks. Another friend enjoys day spa’s so I keep an eye on groupon for any deals we could take advantage of. For my friend who likes trivia, I suggest quiz nights and if my friend is into Bingo I will look for the high roller events and bogan bingo nights for example.  This is one of the ways I show them love, by reaching out and asking for their time. Showing them I know their interests and I am wanting to enjoy something with them that they will love. Booking tickets, or venues or planning the details like bringing snacks or researching what is nearby to eat afterwards.

I show them that I pay attention to the personal details, as a way of caring. If you are vegan, I will bring vegan friendly snacks, and research the best vegan places to go, If you only drink vodka, then you can guarantee I will always have vodka on hand for you. If you have diabetes, I will always carry jellybeans in my bag in case you need them. I try to make it as comfortable and easy for my friends to meet my need for quality time, so that all they have to do is remember and show up.

A few words of affirmation don’t go astray, but honestly if we both enjoy the experience then that keeps my love bank pretty full. And for the most part I don’t mind being the planner of the events. As I prefer to catch up with my friends’ one on one, doing the planning allows me the freedom to book multiple things that don’t clash with other plans. However, a rejection of my plans can feel like a personal rejection, and if you forget the plans I have made for us, I will be hurt.

I know this from experience, and I have to wonder if I am making it too easy for my friends, because they do seem to increasingly forget. As any secretary or assistant knows planning ahead is vital, and I do plan ahead. The problem seems to be that people commit to something in a month’s time without much hesitation because they can hardly see beyond the week. However when that reminder comes in a few days prior, it isn’t uncommon to hear “Oh, I’m so sorry, I totally forgot about this.” They may or may not be able to make it. Sometimes if they do show up, I am made to feel like they did me a massive favour by moving things around to be there, and other times it feels pretty clear that being there is actually a massive inconvenience.  If they don’t just cancel altogether.

If my friends had more involvement in the planning, then perhaps they would have more investment in attending. If they made the reservation for example, they may be more likely to remember, or of they purchased the tickets they’d have a financial reminder. As it stands I do tend to feel unimportant and like an annoying fly trying to pin people down, despite the amount of effort I have gone to in order to try and make it happen in the first place and something they themselves would find interesting, even if I wouldn’t particularly.

The other con to my strategy is that if I don’t suggest anything, neither do my friends. It is assumed I will be the one doing the planning. While I am aware that I put myself in that position, I do feel every so often it would be nice for someone to suggest something with me for a change that they thought I might like. As a way to express love to me. Because at the end of the day, we tend to give love the ways in which we want to receive it, instead of how the other person feels it.

While I am busy planning events that perhaps my friends feel they just don’t have the time, energy or finances for, I am draining them, when all they really want from me might be a compliment, a token gift or a hug. As discussed previously it is almost always an act of service. They might be feeling like they don’t have time to attend a comedy night even if it is free, but if I could pick up their child from school, that would actually help them and show I care?

I need to work on my ability to give love via acts of service, I know this, but I think my friends also need to work on showing love via thoughtfulness, planning ahead and suggesting something for me for a change. If you have a planner friend, take it from me, it would probably mean the world to her if you reached out with a suggestion of something you felt she would enjoy. And you went to all the effort so all she had to do was show up and enjoy. Remember the details!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are We Speaking The Same Love Language?

Happy Valentines Day to you all!!! What better day to talk about giving and receiving love? I have posted here a few times before about Gary Chapman’s love languages, so it is no secret that I am a fan of the concept, applied to relationships and friendships equally. My own language is quality time. For me, this seems the obvious and best way to give and receive love. I have noticed though, most of my friends do not seem to speak my language, most of them seem to speak acts of service. This is a problem for me, as these 2 things seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum.

While I crave togetherness, my friends crave my assistance from afar. Acts of service often take place instead of time together. Examples, picking something up from the shops for someone who can’t make it there themselves, or babysitting someone’s child, or watering their plants while they are away. These are all acts done at a distance. Show me you love me when I am not actually with you. As someone who values time enjoyed together, these acts deplete me easily and I am going to go so far as to say they leave me feeling used.

Of course, if the person in question meets my need for quality time, I have more fuel in the tank to handle the the amount of emotional energy that is depleted with these acts, however I do tend to find that people who prefer acts of service tend to be avoidant and very busy, so for them quality time comes off as a needy quality and is the language they speak the least fluently. Quality time is the only love language that requires reciprocity, you cannot give it without receiving it, it must be mutual.

I think some of my friends get confused about my language and they focus more on the time than the quality. They feel if they spend time with me more frequently, my need will be met just by seeing their face. I definitely need people who are present in my life. I am not a fan of the friendships that “pick up where they left off no matter how long it has been.” I understand they have merit and worth, but if all my friendships were like this I would not be fulfilled. That said, I could see you everyday and still not feel fulfilled if the time is not quality time.

People are busy. I understand that, so I appreciate any time someone can carve out for me, even if it is just an hour. However if my friend spends that hour cleaning her house, making phone calls, playing games on her phone, or preparing dinners for the week for example, I will feel like the quality aspect of the time was lacking. I also don’t consider tagging along to do grocery shopping, or running other errands to be quality time. I do understand that you can’t expect quality time EVERY time your friend spends time with you, however I find it doesn’t take long before my love tank is empty. The core of the issue is that I don’t feel they are making time for me, to stop whatever else they are doing and connect, merely asking for company if not assistance with whatever else they were going to be doing anyway.

To counteract this, I tend to be proactive in arranging activities for my friends and I to enjoy. I am happy to book us a meal, a massage, a show, a movie, or any other fun ways I can think of to spend some quality time together. Quality doesn’t always mean attention to me specifically, but attention away from the day to day. If we share a meal for an hour then I will happily accompany you to the shops for another hour, although it doesn’t have to be tit for tat.

I also feel the ways in which we feel loved are not always the same ways in which we express love. As I am learning, we need to express love in the native language of our friend, and trust that they will do the same. (Although this has not always consistently been my experience.) However I know I have a few languages in which I am more comfortable showing love to my friends. Words of affirmation is probably top of my list of ways to show love. Of course I am always willing to give quality time, however that feels more like an attempt to receive than to give, so that is a tricky one. I also use gifts to show love. I am less fluent in physical affection and acts of service.

I know that my friends who speak acts of service also show love in this way. They are happy to help if they can and will usually be the first to offer. Unfortunately acts of service aren’t something I seek regularly and I don’t feel loved when someone offers to pick up milk for me when they are at the shops. Equally my friends don’t feel loved when we spend quality time, they feel annoyed that I would ask for the one thing they never seem to have – time.

Does this make us incompatible? On the surface, I suppose it does, yes. However, I think we could all benefit from knowing what our languages are. Ask yourselves, how do I feel loved? How do I express love? (Good to ask yourself twice, once in relation to romantic relationships and again for platonic ones) Then we should ask the people important to us how THEY feel loved and share with them how we do. If you’re not sure what your language is, take Gary Chapman’s Quiz to find out.

Perhaps my friends don’t realise that I don’t feel loved when they perform acts of service, because that is the way they express love? Or that I don’t feel I am showing love when I perform acts of service, because they do feel loved by it? I think it would help them to know that I would rather sit and talk (phone free) for one hour than spend all day tagging along at the shops. This might lead to better negotiations and compromises?

It’s worth a try I think. So let’s all make it a conversation we have with the people we love.  We can’t speak the same language if we don’t start with general knowledge of what languages it is that we are speaking and seeking!

Hope you all had a fabulous GALentines/PALentines Day yesterday and are feeling the love this Valentines Day!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Coming up with conversation

I like chatty people. The kind who overshare about the details of their lives quickly and easily. Their lives always seem so interesting and if I’m honest, I rely on them sometimes to keep up the conversation. Any time there is a lull in conversation I have a few back up questions I can usually fall back on that will happily keep them chatting about themselves.

However I also know this attitude quickly leads to one sided friendships, whereby there isn’t room for me to exist. I simply become a passive listener, and while I offer a great deal I don’t get much back. (Or vice versa if my friend employs a similar strategy!) I have touched on my inability to share before. I like to be asked before I will open up. I like to feel like my friends know me, listen to me and remember details about things I shared. If they ask, I will be an open book. Mostly.

If I have been let down before by a friend who didn’t listen or support me in the ways I hoped, I often wont open up again. Once bitten twice shy I suppose. However that really only applies to the things that are closest to my heart. While my chatty friends will often disclose their deepest darkest secrets, they can also happily fill the silence with the latest updates on their car service, what they had for breakfast and the latest specials at the shops. It dawned on me recently that I rely on questions to carry the conversation, when what I could be doing is offering up and sharing more of myself.

Funny that I hadn’t connected the dots there before, that the very thing I like about other people is something I fail to deliver. I know myself well enough to know that I find it hard to open up about issues close to my heart without being invited to share. However, there is nothing to stop me from thinking about the little details of my life worth sharing.

I think part of this block pertains to self esteem, and not thinking that my life is interesting enough for conversation. Sure it’s not thrilling that recently I went to the dentist , did the grocery shopping and was short changed my rewards points, and was involved in a minor car accident, but it’s better than watching paint dry or making my friend feel interrogated by a thousand questions.

It will take a little practise on my part, and some preparations before a catch up to make a little mental note (or even an actual note in my phone) about the small details of my life that might be interesting to share. I do try not to drone on about the children to people who don’t have kids for example, but stating that I have much organising to do for my son’s transition to high school, or that I had to bake 30 cupcakes for the fete seems acceptable.

I have no reason to believe my own news is any more or less interesting than anyone else’s. I do know that part of my aversion is that small talk of this nature feels somewhat like a barrier to closeness. That said, it’s a start. A step to practise creating room for myself to participate equally in conversation and give my friend a break from talking too!

Some things to think about if you also struggle with conversations

“What was the highlight of your week?”
“What are you looking forward to next week?”
“Did you do anything out of the ordinary recently?”

“Did you see any movies or theatre productions or shows?”
“Are there any hobbies, projects or goals you have been working on?”
 
Remember it doesn’t matter how small or mundane, sometimes the little things make a big difference. A friend recently told me she gave herself permission to throw away all the single socks in the house and just buy new ones. Not only was it amusing and true, it made me think about my own sock situation and give myself permission to do the same!!

What small things have come up in conversation that made a big difference to your life?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

PS Don’t forget next Thursday 13th Feb  is GALentines/PALentines day! Hope you find meaningful ways to celebrate!

Maybe the most meaningful conversations start out as little meaningless ones. Just talking at all is a good start.

Friends of different ages and different stages

When we are in school, we tend to make friends pretty much the same age as us. As school starts so young, it is no surprise that we are drawn to our peers. We don’t expect a 4 year old to have anything in common with a newborn or a 12 year old or for them to be interested in each other. We spend on average 14 years in the schooling system alone, alongside these people. Many of us then go on to further study, where we might well meet more new friends, however most of those new people are likely to be in our age range too.

It isn’t really until we branch out on our own into the world, working and joining communities or interest groups that we are suddenly thrust into environments where we are expected to make friends with people much older or more experienced than ourselves. People with whom we don’t immediately see any common ground. People we may judge and equally may often judge us in return. It can be a rude awakening from the cliquey world of peers from which we have emerged, although often a welcome reprieve too.

When you first find yourself surrounded by people older than you, it seems unlikely that friendships will develop, however just like school, you end up spending more time with these people than your friends and family, and get to know each other beyond initial assumptions you start to see the real value in friends of different ages.

These are the people that round your personality, expose you to wider world views and help you grow and learn about life and yourself. They are the ones guiding you through real life experiences and sharing knowledge that only experience brings. Introducing you to hobbies, beliefs, mucic, food and goals you may never have considered before. The people you initially thought you would have nothing in common with can fast become your mentors and friends.

As you get older yourself, you also start to enjoy friendships with people younger than yourself too and experience the same curiosity about what is new these days for the younger crowd, and enjoy living vicariously and offering support and advice as they navigate life. That’s not to say they can’t enlighten or support you too. They certainly do, as fresh perspectives of young people not weighed down by the worries of the world sometimes offer a simple perspective that cuts through the grease and gives you permission to think about yourself.

The problem with age gaps in friendships doesn’t seem to present as much as an issue as the stages of life people are in. People in their teens and 20’s lives are generally all about themselves. They enjoy a freedom many of the rest of us envy. They’re up for after work drinks and dinners every night and only have to think of themselves financially. They’re often dating and partying. People in their 30’s and 40’s lives tend to be more family focused. These are the people who don’t have time for themselves, they’re busy raising young families, and paying off mortgages and establishing careers. These people are the ones who are the closest in age to the youngest people, however probably have the least in common. People in their 50’s and 60’s are rediscovering their freedoms, enjoying the most perks of responsibility and freedom. They’re experienced, established, confident and comfortable. They pave the way for the rest, leading by examples and experiences, both positive and negative. These are the people who understand how it is to be in the other stages in life and offer unique perspectives and supports based on real experiences.  People in their 70’s and above are starting to retire and slow down. They have more time than most of the other age ranges, but can sometimes struggle with ways to fill that time.

Ironically this probably makes them the most compatible with the youngest group, however once they are out of the workforce, exposure to new younger generations becomes limited. These are the people with the most patience and understanding because they have been there and done that!! However this is easily the most isolated group.

When we make friends in our 30’s for example with other parents, we have so much in common, even if we are in our mid 40’s and they are in early 30’s. However as the children grow and go their separate ways, you may find these friendships fade too, because what you had in common was all that held you together. Similarly when you leave the workforce to retire, the friends you held there tend to fade too, as you realise what you shared in common may have been more the environment rather than interests.

That’s not to say these friendships between the generations cannot last and prove meaningful, of course they can, but we must be patient and understanding of each other and our stage of life, and really make the effort not to let those stages dictate our friendships.

Just like any other friendship it takes work, we must make concerted effort to stay in touch, show we care and be there for one another. To not be judgmental or condescending or try to tell each other how to live your lives, instead trying to be understanding and kind.

Not all friendships were made to last though and that is ok. So enjoy the friendships you have, and be sure to keep an open mind about people from all stages and people of all ages. We all have value and something to offer, and can all learn from one another. You’ll probably be surprised when you realise the misconceptions you might hold turn out just to be barriers between yourselves and others.

And remember, we all go through all the stages, so be kind and respectful and look for similarities you can learn from instead of differences you can’t understand. In both directions.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Love Vs Like

I love my husband. I like my husband. I consider him a friend as well as my partner and our solid friendship provides a solid foundation for our relationship and our marriage. That said, I smiled guiltily when I read this article in That’s Life!

Women prefer their best friend to their husband?! I can’t say I’m surprised by these statistics, honestly! Upon further thought, I’d be surprised if men didn’t prefer their best mate to their wives too! There’s something about friends that make them so much more enjoyable than your romantic partner, after that honeymoon period expires in your relationship that is!

I’ve often wondered why this is. I like my friends. I love them, too. I wonder if the order of those sentiments is important?! I suspect there’s a clue there.

I think, personally, that there’s something powerful about same sex bonds. An understanding that just isn’t entirely possible between the sexes. The more similarities you share in terms of experiences, the more relatable and rewarding these friendships are.

My husband has a best mate at work. They are both married. They both have a child that existed before the relationships with their wives. They both hold senior status at work. They share similar language. They both enjoy the same types of music and both unwind playing online games.

When I compare that to what my husband and I have in common, it’s no surprise when his mate scores way higher. Not only do they share interests, and a sense of humour, they also share stresses that most other people can’t relate to directly. A burden shared is a burden halved, but a burden understood is a much lighter load!

When I think of my own female friends though, I think of the things we don’t share in common…. like our houses, our finances and our relationships. If conversation is the fuel of friendships then the fact that we have new updates for one another about our respective lives definitely keeps the sparks alive. As does the fact that we relate to the stresses and can usually do this relating over a mutually enjoyable activity. Not that we need an activity, talking is the main event anyway.

I wont lie, quite often our conversation revolves around our relationships, as does our humour. It stands to reason that we’d enjoy venting to our friends about our relationships if it leads to bonding and laughter, as opposed to the same conversation resulting in defensiveness and arguments if it were shared with our partners!

This is particularly true if I’m talking to my “mum friends” with children who also have autism. Discussing the particular difficulties we face, as well as the mental load we carry for the family (as discussed here) can see us sharing tears of frustrations, followed by tears of laughter in the space of minutes because talking to someone who understands your stress knows just the joke to make you laugh when you couldn’t imagine cracking a smile.

I also wonder if sex has anything to do with this. I wonder because that’s the one area of our lives that we (usually) don’t share with our friends. Physically that is. I’m sure we actually do share the gory details even if we don’t admit it to our other halves!!! I think the fact that we don’t have this expectation, or this pressure there helps. Friends love us, our company and offer support, without asking for anything physical in return. The same can’t always be said for relationships, with that transaction looming in the air.

Although we often say we want a partner who is a best friend, I don’t know if that’s realistic. Most of you would probably agree that even if you could imagine it, a relationship with your bestie would likely smother the flames.

I think it’s ok to like your friends more than your partner. Equally it’s ok to love your partner more, or differently at least, to your friends. You committed to your partner and with that comes a level of responsibility that your friendships don’t carry. There’s a freedom with friends. We can have many, and our separateness, ironically is what binds us.

Maybe it’s a bit like having grandkids; all the fun with none of the responsibility?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How often should you talk to your friends?

Last week we discussed leaning too heavily on your friends for emotional or psychological support. That lead me to think about the frequency of communication between friends, and how often is considered normal. 

I have a few friends who I talk to pretty much every day. Some I speak to weekly, others on a more casual basis when one of us has something to say. I am the first to admit that I struggle with this issue, and I have lost friends because my expectations of our communication were too high, or conversely too low. It seems each person has their own idea of how often they would like to engage with a friend, and although it can be circumstantial, it can also be confusing!!!

I have had a few friends who really valued the fact that I was prepared to engage them in conversation on a daily basis. One even commented with pride that we had spoken every day since we met, and it seemed agreeable to us both. Somehow we were always engaged in one big long never ending dialogue about everything and nothing. If this friend and I didn’t speak for a morning even, the silence was palpable. It felt wrong, like there was tension if we didn’t communicate, regardless of the fact that there had been no tension in the last communication. Too close for comfort perhaps?

too much of a good thing perhaps?

While my circumstances dictate that I can engage people in this way, I have other friends who are far too busy to communicate in that way. Our communication is basically limited to arranging our next catch up and we will do our talking then. We usually don’t see each other often and the feeling that I am bothering them if I do message looms in the background. Like they want to end the conversation, quickly. Chatting seems unnatural. We probably don’t talk often enough for comfort?

Other friends communicate heaps when they are having problems, and then you might go months without speaking at all when things are going well for you both. The person with the greater dilemma in this instance initiates more communication than would otherwise arise, circumstances dictate how much time and attention you have to give each other at any given moment. Sometimes a response isn’t as important as having vented what you wanted to say to begin with.

Some friends you communicate with more on your own terms and other friends it is more on theirs. This can be quite anxiety provoking. If I have a friend who usually checks in each day and I don’t hear from them, I will start to ruminate over what I have done to upset them. This is silly because other friends can go months before I will even notice the silence, and usually I will just say “hi, how’s things, haven’t spoken to you in ages!” Added to that most of the time if a friend who is chatty goes quiet it’s because she left her phone at home or had a really busy day. Logically I know that, but part of me still panics.

For people with the time and ability to communicate daily, anything less can be anxiety provoking, and can lead people to friendship flings. These are friendships which start out hot and heavy but ultimately fizzle out or implode after a short time. Communicating daily meets their needs for time, attention, feeling liked, valued, wanted and welcomed. Unfortunately communicating daily can become forced and feel like an obligation. It is difficult to sustain and remain interested for too long.  If you are someone who struggles with this, perhaps bring it up with a professional who can help you learn to have better boundaries and help you learn how to feel like you exist and matter in healthier ways.

For me, I have had to learn not to focus on how often the person talks to me and instead focus on the conversations. Do I find them rewarding, and enjoyable? Or do they leave me wanting to end them quickly and escape? To focus on quality not quantity. To communicate more in person and less in written means, although I definitely prefer the written word, it can be damaging. To speak on the phone to my friends who prefer to call. Not to engage too much in conversations when I don’t have time to do so, and to accept that my friends may not have time to talk to me much and it doesn’t mean they like me any less.

Ultimately for me, real face to face time is what I need from my friends. Regardless of how much we do or don’t communicate. So if you find yourself feeling anxious about read but unanswered messages (even though you have seen them online!!) lol or stressed about what that comment actually meant, that is a reminder you just need to spend some time with your friend if possible. (Video chat is the next best thing) because you can see their face, you can read their body language, and you can talk about way more things in the space of the same time than you could message.

Remember a hug says a thousand words and there’s nothing like laughing together to forge connections. As much as I like messaging my friends, it is much better to just see them more and talk to them less. That way we can both live life and have somethings left to say when we do see each other. It seems to be healthier and more sustainable too!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends are not therapists.

Although many people have encouraged me to go and study to become a therapist, let me assure you I am not a therapist. Human emotions and interactions fascinate and intrigue me, and I love to talk about them. Relationships and friendships present so many complicated issues which I enjoy discussing. I love bouncing theories off others and speculating for the thought processes behind certain actions, to try and understand different perspectives and how they influence us.

As a result of this most of my friends are deep thinkers. Many of us are over thinkers. We can talk for hours about life, mainly about our relationships with other people and trying to make sense of nonsense. We feel connected to one another in this way and show each other caring by participating in discussions that are very important to us. Showing an interest in someone’s struggles is a bonding exercise, and being there to support one another forms a massive basis for the foundations of our connection.

Sometimes that means we will be talking all night, then again everyday for the next week or more. Relationship issues often feel urgent, and when we talk it out with our friends, we feel as though we are coming towards a solution, venting…. Doing something instead of nothing. However, often times, nothing is exactly what we are doing. We are looking for ways to stay in something we know we should not stay in. Or we are looking for our friends to validate that our actions or expectations are reasonable. We are looking for someone to agree that how we feel is understandable. We might be looking for perspectives we hadn’t considered so we can justify poor actions (theirs or our own) and we are looking for someone to tell us it will all be ok.

Friends are great at that. Friends are free, and can usually give you longer than an hour. Friends are definitely a benefit to our mental health, when they connect, care, listen and understand us. All that said, friends also sugar coat things, let things slide, and often allow or even encourage you to stay stuck. Not through any malice, but because as it stands they see no reason for you to change – your connection with them is strong. Not to mention that our friends tend to see us through rose coloured glasses to an extent.

Friends are not indifferent though. Friends have their own lives, and at times their own agenda’s. They are not trained, and probably don’t know how to properly advise you. As someone who friends tend to lean on heavily for mental support, I often end up letting them down. I offer more support than I can sustain long term and burn myself out trying to be there for my friends. While the energy starts off sparking connection, it often ends up consuming it.

Perhaps that is because I tend to support my friends without asking for the same support in return. Or perhaps it is because I grow tired eventually of the same conversation. Or perhaps it is because my friendships are so support based that we often don’t counterbalance the heaviness with enough fun and laughter. It is probably all these things and more. But mainly it is because I am not a therapist. I am a friend.

We don’t always want to listen to someone who wont help themselves. We don’t always want to be available 24/7 to someone who only calls when they have problems and never asks how you are. We start to wonder if the person likes us for who we are or for the support that we offer? We start to question if they realise that we have lives outside of them that require our time and attention? We start to feel drained because it feels as if we are giving more than we are receiving. Even if they are listening to us in equal measure, we can start to associate them with the drama’s and problems we sometimes want to escape.

Sure, we can’t drink wine and plot fantasy revenge on our ex with our therapist and friends are good for that. Seriously though if you feel stuck, if you are consumed and unsure what to do, you need to seek the help of a professional. You need to value their advice even when they didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear the way your friends always do. Sometimes we need to face hard truths, and at the end of the day we need to get through things on our own.

Don’t let your friendship get so heavy it sinks. Sometimes you don’t even realise you’re drowning the people who are trying to save you, and they are too far under to tell you often until it is too late.

Friendships supplement therapy, they aren’t enough to substitute it. Be careful not to use your friends as therapists, or you might end up paying the price for the free advice.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Just remember to take drunk advice sparingly!

Reaching Out For Reconciliation.

Falling out with friends isn’t easy, but it happens whether we want it to or not. We can’t force everyone to agree all the time, and we can’t control their feelings or responses to things, nor what they do, say, think or feel. We all have triggers, and boundaries and values. If these lines are crossed, it can spell the end of the friendship. Sadly, this can happen when we least expect it, and even if the friendship is extremely close and or long standing.

What is not out of our control however, is what we do about it. While I am a big advocate for letting go of people who want to leave your life, I am also a believer in second chances. Not everyone who left your life should return to it, however, if you do take some time apart, you can reflect back on the friendship, how you could have been better and how you would like things to proceed in the future.

There are definitely friendships that have ended for me, that I feel should stay that way. While these endings were nothing short of heart breaking at the time, and I can look back on them and see the positives, I can either see that we had been moving in different directions for a while and the split was inevitable, or I just see no way that we could move forward positively. It’s not that I am glad those friendships have ended, I’m not. I’m just not really sad about it anymore. I have reached a place of acceptance about the way things are and I don’t feel the need to revisit things.

There was someone though, who I did still miss, still want to speak to again and with whom I felt a friendship was still possible, under the right circumstances. Question was, did she feel the same way? Had too much time passed between us in silence? Was she still hurting or angry about our split? Would she be open to communicating with me again, or would my presence after all this time be an unwelcome intrusion into her life? All these questions, and fear of the unknown held me back from reaching out to her, for over 2 years.

Still contemplating things for that long, never having reached a natural indifference about our ending, I decided to set myself a new year’s challenge to reach out to her, and blog about the results! As someone with a tendency to believe in spiritual guidance through signs from the universe, you can imagine my surprise then, when this friend popped up unexpectedly on a social media platform we both use. Although it wasn’t quite new year yet, this seemed like a sign that meant the time for action was now or never, so I sent her a request, and waited gingerly for her response.

When she hadn't responded a week later, I had to decide if I was ready to accept defeat, or contact her properly. It wasn’t an easy choice, because she hadn’t responded to my request, so it seemed likely that this was not going to work out the way I had hoped if I decided to reach out again. However, I tried to put myself in her position and thought I probably wouldn’t be too happy to accept my request either. I reflected back to a time when someone who left my life decided to zombie her way back into it, and how unimpressed I was that she felt we could just start up again as though there were no painful history there between us. So I had to assume my friend was feeling similarly. A bit like this song here, by Kate Miller Heidke! Lol (Language warning, don’t open this link loudly at work!)

My friend was so similar to me, that I had to conclude that even if she had wanted to hear from me, she probably wouldn’t be open to a reconciliation initiated by a social media request. I owed her a conversation, or an explanation at least, and I wanted her to have it. I reflected back to the advice I wrote in the past, about letting go of any expectations about the outcome or response of my friend, and just saying what I wanted to say. Maybe she would respond, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be happy to hear from me, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be torn about it as I had been. I would never know if I didn’t try. Really try.

So I drafted a long email to my friend. My friend is also a blogger, so we always communicated easily via long emails. I knew the content was more important than the length. I also knew, a short “hey, how have you been?” was NOT going to suffice. After some edits and a few days, I was ready to take the plunge and send it. I chose to send it from an email I don’t usually use, although one I knew she would recognise, because I did not have access to it on my phone. I did not want to be constantly checking for her reply. I also sent it in the evening, because then I could sleep, I knew there was unlikely to be a reply before the next day. So I pressed send and put it out of my mind.

In the email I wrote that I had missed her, thought of her often and I was sorry for our parting. I acknowledged that she might not want to respond and I understood and respected that choice. I explained the reasons behind my actions in the past, and apologised for not handling things better. I stated that I would love to hear from her if she felt similarly, or had any words she wanted to share in return, however I had no expectation of our future.

I went about my business the next day feeling anxious, but lighter. You can imagine my surprise when I checked my email later that day and found her reply had come in that same night and her opening line referenced what a lovely surprise it was to hear from me. She even referenced that she knew I’d be anxiously waiting for her reply, and she didn’t want me refreshing my inbox constantly. This person “gets” me!

Our parting was painful and complicated, however we never stopped liking each other. Circumstances dictated that some time apart was necessary while we grew in different directions and she needed some space to do that. Circumstances are still complicated, and therefore I don’t know what the future holds.  We have not caught up in person yet, however we have enjoyed chatting to one another online. It turns out by the time I sent her the request, she had unjoined the platform for personal reasons, and never saw my request! So what I assumed was a rejection actually was not?

Our friendship can’t be what it used to be at this time in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold value. I feel so much better to be speaking again and to have cleared the air between us. It isn’t perfect, it isn’t simple. My friend has mentioned that she thought of me too over the years and even saw me out and about in the past, without saying hello. While I understand this, and perhaps she wasn’t ready, it does trigger some insecurity in me that maybe she didn’t feel as strongly as I felt if she didn’t reach out herself. But ultimately this is semantics. Someone has to go first and this time I decided it would be me.

I am so happy I took the risk and reconnected with an old friend, and offered us both some closure, while ironically reopening the book to write another chapter.

If you are wondering about reaching out to an old friend after some time apart, the best question you can ask yourself is “Is the friendship worth the risk?” You’ll know the answer in your heart and if you hesitate that is just fear. It is a new year, face your fears. You might be happy you did.

Good Luck with your friendships in 2020 and thanks for reading.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Year... New You!

I cannot believe this year is already coming to a close. Alas, it is, so we must take this time to reflect on the year that has passed and how we can be better next year. I know we all do the best we can with limited time, resources and patience, but there is always room for improvement.

Reflecting on this past year, have you spent enough time with your friends? Have you prioritised social time? If the answer is no, that should be your first goal for the new year. Friendships take time to flourish and if you aren’t ever spending any time together they will probably start to flounder.

Maybe you have spent time with your friends, but have you put in any real effort? Is it always them that have to contact you? Is it always them who makes the plans, does the orgainising, gets the tickets and picks you up? Pop a reminder in your phone to check in with people once a week – Friendship Friday’s remember?! Lol Look up some local events or activities you have wanted to try and invite someone along. Organise everything yourself and offer to drive! You don’t have to do all the heavy lifting all the time, but I bet it will mean the world to your friend that you offer sometimes and you’re prepared to make the effort.

Do your friends know what they mean to you? Why not write out a simple Happy New years message for each friend ready to send on the first of January letting them know how much they mean to you and how grateful you are for your friendship? Sometimes it can be hard to express these things to people, so take advantage of the big occasions and let your friends know you care.

Do you support your friends? I have a friend who avoids me when she is on a diet. Lol Not because I sabotage her, but because we enjoy things together that aren’t conductive to weight loss as a general rule. To show my support I could start planning activities for us after lunch and before dinner for example, that don’t require food, and preferably do require movement. Mini Golf anyone? While I am never going to be the person who tells her “Don’t eat that.” I will definitely order a salad with her next time!

Speaking of telling someone what to eat, do you tell your friends what to do and how to live their lives? Try to be patient with your friend who always fails at the diet, goes back to the wrong partner, stays in an unhappy job or marriage or complains about the same things and never does anything to change it. Always use a little more kindness than is necessary and remember we are all on our own paths. Focus on their positive points and encourage them to make their own choices for themselves.

Of course, all this is only applicable if you have friends to begin with. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, then the first thing you need to put on your list is make friends. Make a list of 5 different challenges to make friends. Examples, try an app, join a club, volunteer, ask a co-worker or mother of a child’s friend for her number (or give them yours) or become a member of a support group for something you are struggling with.

If you feel you have many acquaintances but no close friends, try to expand the relationship by taking it beyond the current limits. (Only see one another at church? Suggest coffee at a nearby place afterwards? Only talk about gardening? Expand a little by talking about how your partner isn’t into gardening and you wish they were? Only meet every 6 months? Ask to meet after 3?) Be the change you wish to see, as they say?

The last thing I want to say, although it might be the most important is love and accept yourself as you are. Talk positively to yourself the way you would to a friend or the way you hope a friend would talk to you. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and others, trust as often as you can and let go of grudges. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

This past year I have lost friends, made friends, reconciled with friends, hurt people, withdrawn and walked away, apologised, laughed, spent more quality time on the friendship with my husband, invested in new people…. It is all part of the journey.  Up’s and downs, waxing and waning, swings and roundabouts. Here’s to more of the good stuff and less of the bad in 2020!

Thanks for staying with me for another year! (or for joining me if you are a newbie!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Spreading Love to your Solo Friends at Xmas

Please Note: While this post is specifically about our single friends, it applies equally to anyone in our lives who may not be blessed with lots of family or friends at this time of year to surround themselves with or who may find the holidays especially hard or lonely, whether they be single or not…..

I have a single friend who lives alone. Every Christmas I buy her a little Christmas stocking so she can have something to open on Christmas morning, and feel some of the Christmas magic. It just includes little things, a few treats for the dogs, a box of chocolates, a cheap bottle of wine, some sort of soaps or scented candles… you get the drift. If I can sneak it into her house, I will. I try to hide it somewhere she wont look and then send a message on Christmas morning saying “Santa has been! Look under your spare bed…” or something. I like it if she films herself opening them or takes photo’s of herself with her gifts.

It’s just a little way that I show her that I care, and want to make her Christmas special because I love Christmas morning and I wish she wasn’t alone. Why don’t I just invite her here then? Because she hosts a brunch, for all her other single friends later on Christmas morning. What a wonderful idea, to surround yourself with the other people in your life who might not have company otherwise.

The thing is, it can be especially tough being single at Christmas time, even if your friend is generally content to be single most of the time. Christmas day for me, can be hectic, trying to fit in our own private family time in the morning so the kids can open their gifts, then packing away hopefully before heading to lunch at my husband’s parents then hurrying along from that to my own parent’s place for dinner. However, if you are single, without kids, and your family is doing a dinner, that leaves you alone all day at a time when you believe the rest of the world is surrounded by love and cheer.

Not to mention you can’t halve the expense with anyone, have to be your own designated driver and make your own lunch if your family thing is at dinner time. So, what are some ways you can reach out to your single friends on Christmas Day?

If you can invite them to something with you and yours, then do so. They might decline, but doesn’t mean they weren’t touched to be invited. If you can’t include them in your day, then, here is some ideas to let them know you were thinking of them.

If you are cooking a meal in advance, pop aside a spare plate and take it to them on Christmas Eve. If possible, include a movie or a puzzle or a book they might enjoy to give them something to relax and enjoy quietly. Actually you could do this even if you aren’t bringing them food.

Message them throughout the day. Many people I know send a Merry Christmas message out to their nearest and dearest on Christmas morning, however if you can spare a minute or so, check in with them a few times during the day. If you know you will be busy and can’t be tied to your phone, search for some funny memes, meaningful quotes or cute pictures that might make them smile. This just lets your friend know you haven’t forgotten them. I like to take a picture of my friend’s pets and make it into a cute meme that says “Merry Woofmas Meowmy.”

If you see any voluntary things your friend might enjoy participating in, send them the link or suggest it to them in person. Sometimes helping others is the greatest gift you can give.

Send them on a scavenger hunt for their present. You could set this up in their garden the day before for example, if you can see a safe/dry/warm place to hide the gift.

Write them a meaningful card/letter to be opened on Christmas day. Include all the things you love about them, how much you value the friendship and fun memories you have shared. You could include all the things they have achieved and make reference to the things they are striving for and have to look forward to in their future, reminding them that they are not alone, you are never far away.

If your friend lives far away, arrange flowers or something to be delivered on the day as a surprise if possible.

Do your own Christmas celebration with them on a different day, make it just as merry with foods, gifts, music and laughter. Boxing day is often a good choice.

If all else fails, just make time to call them. In the morning, in the evening, whenever. Just put aside 5 minutes and call. If they don’t answer, leave a voice message and let them know you thought of them today and you wanted to send some love.

What are the things you do for your friends in the Festive Season? Merry Christmas Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx