The term “Ghosting” is starting to pop up more and more in casual conversation. Ghosting is usually used in context to dating and romantic relationships and is generally a term used by women to describe the lack of a break up conversation or closure from the person she was dating...(who she may or may not still be dating.....) She doesn’t actually know because the other party won’t say. Most often they won’t confirm or deny it, they just won’t say anything at all.
Women are outraged when men use this technique to end things with them. Not only are they outraged, they are often hurt, anxious, confused, and full of self doubt and worry as a result of this treatment. They are quick to call the perpetrator of such an act gutless, among other unspeakable derogatory terms!
The thing is, women are shocked when men (or women for those of us that way inclined) use this tactic, and are kinda unsure how to handle it. The term ghosting has appeared in pop-culture as though this is a new phenomenon….. It isn’t.
Perhaps our male counterparts are just catching on, but the fact is that women have been using ghosting against one another, (and against men too) for probably as long as humans have existed! Men are simply using our own weapon against us! While this is NOT a good thing; the good thing about it is that it brings the concept into conversation. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge....
As women are notoriously good at avoiding confrontation, it shouldn’t come as a big surprise that we are the ones who started this! Maybe men have watched us do this to each other, and decided it is effective! Have we taught them that saying nothing at all is kinder than saying a painful goodbye? That hearing nothing hurts less than hearing a hard truth? Does it?
When women hurt, we use silence as a weapon. The best indicator of a female friend split is when the 2 women are not talking to each other. It is often unclear who stopped talking to who (or why,) leaving one or sometimes even both parties with more questions than answers. The reason we don’t ask of course, is because we are afraid of the answers. The truth hurts sometimes. It is just as hard to speak it as it is to hear it. So we do neither. Naturally?!....
Women in particular have been taught that a lady is “nice and friendly” at all costs. We have all heard the expression “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all?!” Well that is exactly what women do, because there is nothing nice or friendly about breaking up with a friend. It is unfriendly in nature; that’s the whole point. Essentially this teaching means we don’t say anything at all - because it reflects badly on us as ladies if we do?! It's a bit ridiculous when you think about it, right? I mean it still stands true that "actions speak louder than words" and our silence will hurt more than any words spoken ever could. Why does this choice not reflect badly on us?
How we think that silence and avoidance is somehow better than a clear and simple ending, I don’t know. Not giving someone an answer or closure is pretty unkind and unfriendly. We have no problem being unfriendly, we just don't want to say anything unfriendly. So we leave the words unspoken... It’s evil genius really! Lol
Ghosting not only removes the power from the person on the receiving end, and leaves them questioning and doubting themselves and their worth; it also doesn’t give the person being ghosted enough credit for their maturity and ability to hear/handle the truth and move on accordingly. Even if a person can’t handle the truth, that’s likely because they have never had to hear it before?! Is it your place to tell them? Maybe not. I think you need to tell them something though, like the fact that you wish to be free of them perhaps? How much you should tell them about your reasons possibly gets a bit unclear...
One thing is clear though; we are right when we say ghosting is gutless. Let’s have the courage of our convictions ladies??! If you have something to say to someone – say it. Making them guess is less kind than we allow ourselves to imagine until we experience it for ourselves. Mean what you say and say what you mean. (Do not be MEAN!)
One of the reasons we avoid confrontation is fearing the response or the consequences. How someone reacts to you ending things with them is a reflection of themselves, not of you. If you have been clear that you want space or for things to end, you are entitled not to respond to them further after that. It doesn’t have to be a conversation. They don’t have to agree with you. You can only control yourself. (If you can do that, you are already ahead of the game! Lol)
Let go of the idea that one unkind word/gesture defines you. It doesn't.
Speaking your truth means holding on to your power; not taking it away from someone else. The words may be hard to say, and hurtful to hear, but goodbye is just one word, and at least it is clear!
Remember you don’t need to explain yourself, justify yourself or blame your friend. You can simply say that you are not interested in continuing the friendship for personal reasons (whatever your reasons are – they are personal) but that you respected the person and her friendship enough to at least say goodbye and wish her well?
The other main reason we avoid endings is because it leaves our options open in the future to come back into a person's life. The newest term for this is "Zombie-ing." It's not a pretty reflection at all...
Don't do it. Just don't. Let's stop this now before it becomes a zombie apocalypse? Lol :/
Your Best Friend ForNever