Fanning the Flames of Friendship Fires too Fiercely

Friendship can be quite like dating in that you meet someone and you feel excited about them and you feel that spark or chemistry. You want to see them again and talk to them again and just get to know them more. You genuinely enjoy their company and find that you are thinking about them or things they mentioned and you might even wonder if they are also thinking about you.

There’s nothing quite as validating as feeling chosen by a new person and the energy new connections bring. Similar to dating you might find yourself actively looking for activities or events you could suggest just for an excuse to see them again or wishing the time away until next weeks spin class if that is where you met them for example. It wouldn’t even be uncommon to be making sure you look extra cute that day even if you are not interested in them as anything more than a friend. Because we do care what people think, particularly when we think highly of them… so taking your new water bottle instead of the old faded one and then questioning if it was too obvious and laughing to yourself about how nervous you are and how stupid it is would not surprise me at all.

The problem with sparks is that they start fires. And fires burn out and often burn people along the way. So while it may feel harmless, or good even, to start landing in each other’s inbox incessantly each day, I would like to warn you to make sure it  is a controlled burn. The reason for this is because it takes time to get to know people. You have to know them in a variety of settings before you see all sides of them. Added to which – at first they will be on their best behaviour too initially. You didn’t think her hair was naturally wavy did you? That messy bun was carefully constructed just for you!

Until you have known someone a while, you don’t really know what kind of person they are or if your values align or even if you are compatible. You might find you get close to someone quickly only to cotton on later that they are flakey or dishonest. You might get quite attached and involved before you realise that your religious or political views are opposing. You might not have had time to understand if they really listen or if they have annoying habits like interrupting or always turning the conversations back to themselves.

Once the fire is burning it can be quite difficult to take a step back if you decide you want to, without them noticing the water you are throwing on the flames. Whereas if you ease in, you can just as easily ease out should you start learning things about each other that might be cause for concern.

Those initial sparks and chemistry can cause rose coloured glasses syndrome. This means you can’t see the red flags, and you aren’t looking for them anyway and you really don’t want to see those imperfections. You really hope they don’t see yours either. Yet we all have imperfections – it is just that we take time to trust people enough to expose them. Which is why we also need to take our time getting to know each other before investing too heavily in time, efforts and emotions.

Starting slowly allows you to observe them and make judgements based on what they do, not just what they tell you they do. It also gives you the space to understand how the things you observe about them fit in with your life and how they will impact you. Do you notice that they always suggest a glass of wine, whether you are at a bar, at home, or at an event? How does that sit with you? Does it align with you or do you tend to drink tea or coffee at home socially? Do they notice that you always answer when your kids call and drop everything to go and help them. Will this annoy your new friend eventually or make them feel unimportant to you?

Have you bonded over a situation that might be temporary? For example if are you both newly divorced, perhaps one will begin dating and moving forward again much sooner than the other and you might not have talking about the exes in common anymore. Have you seen how they interact with other people or wait staff or people from diverse backgrounds? Or under stress? Have you understood their expectations of you as a friend? Are they the sort to ask for lots of favours, to borrow money or for you to drive them lots of places?

I suppose what I am saying is that chemistry often leads people to forget their boundaries, and boundaries are better maintained from the beginning than suddenly introduced later, when they start to feel like barriers. If you always welcomed their calls at all hours of the day initially they might not understand when you start to find it intrusive and that can make it hard for you to ask them not to call as often. So it is better not to start something before you know what you are getting into and what you can handle is all I am saying.

They say only fools rush in for a reason. I have played the friendship fool in the past, as I am sure we all have at one stage or another. I have misjudged people early on and had trouble extracting myself eloquently from the entanglements and also have had people misjudge me and get too close for their own comfort, which often leads to heartbreak. Quicksand is quick for a reason. Don’t get stuck in it. Find your footing as you take each step carefully and consistently with consideration.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mums are more than mates

Each year around Mother’s Day, (which is this Sunday if you didn’t know) I try and dedicate a post to my lovely mother – the only person I can say is a best friend forever rather than for never! It’s a lovely sentiment and it feels true. But honestly, my mum knows she isn’t my best friend. Sorry Mum! What I’m not sure that she does understand is that she is SO MUCH MORE than a best friend.

I have posted in the past about the fact that I don’t believe friends are the family you choose for yourself, and in that post I highlighted all the ways that friendships can sometimes be better than family. The gist of it was that friends are less invested, and so sometimes that means you can more freely be yourself with them and speak your truth without fearing reprimand. I stand by it. There are definitely things I discuss with friends I don’t discuss with my mother, and I am certain we both prefer it this way.

However, this post looks to highlight all the ways in which a mother is so much more and often so much better than a best friend. There are so many ways in which we can rely on and turn to our mothers that we probably wouldn’t dream of burdening our friends with. Using examples from my own life, this list includes:

Asking, and expecting to a degree that my mother watch my son while I was away on my honeymoon for a week. Accepting generous offers from her to pay for aspects of my wedding, financial aid when my husband was out of work and we struggled to pay his car loan, and living in their rental property for a subsidized rate until we could eventually buy it from them for below market value. Showing up at her house with our bags unannounced when we had to evacuate our place due to nearby fires. Having her by my side at the birthing classes when my son’s father neglected to show up and having her catch my son when he came into this world. The pure love on her face as she held him for the first time.

These are all ways I have depended on my mother in ways I would never ask nor expect a friend to support me. But it’s not just that kind of support mothers offer either. Mother’s are there even when you have been a bad friend to them. If you haven’t called or seen them for a while, they are gracious and joyous when they hear your voice. When you have been too busy, they understand. When you need help, they step in and when you need advice you know she only has the best of intentions for you in mind when she offers it.

My mother is the only friend I have who would probably step infront of a bus to save me, and the one I would be most likely to do the same for. She is one of the few people I feel I could not cope without, and the one I feel luckiest to still have in my life despite everything. She is the person I feel sees me the most – she knows if I look tired or if I am acting quiet or out of character. She knows if my eyes look heavy or if my naturally rosy cheeks are flushed. She knows if my voice sounds off or if I am not ok without a word.

To be honest, she is probably more in tune with me than I am with her. I might miss these subtle hints that she is not ok whereas she never fails to see things in me, often before I see them myself. And this is because she has known me my whole life whereas I have only known her for the portion of her life that made her my mother. I do not really fully understand the whole of her as a woman, as it is so tainted as her role as my mother. She is so much more than this and yet I have failed to really see and know her on the level her peers probably do. Such is the order of life I suppose.

But the beauty in this is that I see it. And I am blessed with the time to do something about it. So my mothers day gift to my mother this year is to try harder to get to know her as a woman, outside of being my mother or my father’s wife. To understand what made her the woman she is today. What memories she treasures most about her life and what lessons she took from life that she wants me to hold. What wisdom she has gained, and what was bestowed upon her by her own elders. What her hopes and dreams for her life were and if she feels she fulfilled them. What hopes and dreams she still has for her life now.

I look forward to putting the higherarchy of our pairing aside somewhat and knowing her more as she knows herself and as she wants to be known and remembered. However that higerarchy exists for good reason. She would not be expecting her friends to feed and bathe her in old age, whereas it would be a given that my love for her would extend to these acts of caring for her to repay her for my own care all the times of my life I have needed it.

As she is my mother, and I cannot and would not change it, I still care and seek her approval. I wonder if she likes my hair. I care if she says I look nice in my outfit (and I believe her as opposed to friends who are socially conditioned to be polite) and I might omit details from stories I tell her if I think she wont approve; like the prices of things for example. And she is the only friend who can demand I cover my son’s school logo on social media when he is 16 and I am long past being scared that anyone is looking to kidnap my 6 foot 2 bearded baby. Although I don’t want to change it, she is my mum, I have to listen and do what I am told. No other friend wields such power!

This post goes out to my lovely mother, my friend in many ways, but something so much more intimate and profound and special than a “Friend” or even a “best friend.” Although I look forward to growing our friendship much more this year, you will never be my best friend and I am so glad you won’t. They come and go. You and I are forever. My closest friends have a piece of my heart, but I love you with every piece of it. Always.

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. I love you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever

Missy
xx

Let Friends Go So Your Friendships Can Grow

There have definitely been times in my life when I have felt a friend pulling away from me. Times when I felt the distance growing  between us painfully slowly and either tried to hold on to that friend tightly and demand time, attention and explanations or times when I took the distance so personally that it felt less painful to let them go than to tolerate the distance growing.

I wont lie, to this day, 8 years after I started this blog, I still occasionally revert to old patterns of thinking and have to catch myself quickly before I cause the ending I fear. Because dear readers, both holding on too tightly to a friend, and letting them go will usually end up in an ending. One instigated by them and the other by you. Neither feels good. And both leave you wondering if you could or should have acted differently to reach a friendlier outcome.

The answer to this is typically yes, you could have acted differently, but you didn’t, and it is much harder to recover from this. Prevention is better than cure and all that jazz. One of my most popular posts was “what to do when a friend is pushing you away” for a reason. That reason is because we DO feel it when space is growing between friends. We do notice when changes happen and we do feel pain over it. This is especially true when we ourselves were happy with the way things were or are the types of people who feel anxious around changes in general.

I understand that letting go of someone you want to hold on to feels counterintuitive and I understand that when you feel this way it feels more like your friend is actively putting space between you to get away from you quietly rather than “growing apart” which implies a more mutual growth in separate directions. However, in my experiences, once time has allowed perspective to settle it is often the case that my friends lives were growing and changing and they weren’t actively trying to push me away as much as they were investing their energy in different things.

I don’t like to accept that for many people friendship is the lowest rung on the relationship scale, but whether I like to accept it or not, doesn’t make it any less true. It does mean I am better suited to fostering friendships with others who also value friendships as much as I do, on the basis that I have the time and energy to do so. But even when I find those people, time and life changes peoples priorities all the time, as I discussed in a recent post “Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters” which aims to point out that even things we feel are certainties can change in an instant and it is often outside of anyone’s control.

Which is why I often need to take my own advice, take a step back, and decide that in order to hold on to the friendship, I need to find ways to let go of my friend and let them grow away from me. This is not always easy, and it does often hurt. But there are probably friends who have endured this pain for me too, as I have grown in different directions over the years too, and I am grateful that they allowed me some grace and some space to live my life even when it meant there was less time and energy coming their way as a result.

Perhaps this is even the essence of friendship? I have never been a fan of those memes that say things like low maintenance friends are the best. I don’t agree; as it doesn’t fit my life or my circumstances. But I can see why it does for some super busy people who have little time for friendship and both feel grateful they give and accept less without insult. Good for them. For me, with a smaller family circle and as someone who is not in the paid workforce, if I only had friends with no time or energy I would be very lonely. However, when I have a wider network and an array of friends to meet my needs, it is easier to still enjoy the friends with much less to offer and not necessarily have it mean that we are not as close.

However, when a close friend, or someone you spend a lot of time with, starts growing away from you, it DOES leave a bit of a hole in your own life, and it is natural that you notice that! What isn’t helpful is telling yourself that you need this specific person to fill that hole. That isn’t their job. That is your job. Added to which it is also your job to support your friends growth even when it takes them away from you.

The good news is that you don’t even need to make a new friend to fill the void your old friend left. You might have other friends you could start seeing more to meet the need, or, you might take up a new hobby. New hobbies often lead to new connections and even if they don’t, if you are passionate about it you will enjoy time spent on this next venture instead of sitting around missing your friend, wondering what you did to upset them (when you didn’t do anything, it isn’t about you) and being angry and resentful that they don’t miss you. (Firstly, they probably do miss you and wish they could have more time together and secondly if they don’t it’s probably because their own mind is engaged elsewhere on more urgent or exciting things.)

Bring Me The Horizon “Teardrops”

If you feel distance creeping in between yourself and a good friend, let your hurt and anger and resentment go if you want to keep your friendship. Acknowledge that your friend is growing, their life is growing and you should be supporting them through this growth and exploring ways in which your own life will grow as a result. Allow them the grace not to take it personally, not to take issue and to make sure you value what they still have to offer.

Don’t make my mistakes and try to hold on tighter. To ask pressing questions about why they are withdrawing and to burden them with heaviness that you miss them terribly and make them feel weighed down and obligated to you. Because if people feel unable to grow with you, or that you are unable to accept their growth, they will detach from you completely. If they or you detach completely; the friendship is over. If you are able to allow them the space the friendship stays intact. It does change, you may be or feel less close, but it is nicer to be able to catch up with them every so often without animosity than have to avoid them in the local shops forever.

I suppose it is called maturity. Accepting things as they are even if you wish they were different. And knowing that although it hurts, it’s going to be ok. Actually it’s going to be better than ok. You are going to be close to other people in your lifetime and this will be just a memory. You are going to be happy eventually, with or without this friend. How long you suffer depends entirely on how long you see the closed door as opposed to looking for the open window.

Let your friends go, so your friendships can grow.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Vs Close Connections

I know someone who complains that they feel they have no friends. This is despite the various clubs they are involved, and all their volunteer work. Maybe this is because no matter how many casual friends you have, if none of them feel close, the emptiness echoes a little louder as we feel unseen, uncared for and unknown. Unheard. However, this is despite the long phone calls they receive from family and friends, and it is despite their weekly drinks with a group of regulars, one of whom they have shared hobbies with and travelled with for half their lives. Yet they still feels they don’t have any real friends.

I certainly hope this feeling that they have no friends is not one they verbalise around that particular person – as they would be right to ask “what am I then?  A hat full of arseholes?” But then again, on the other hand, it might just force this person to challenge their idea that they have no friends in the first place and how people who consider themselves friends might feel about the sentiment.

The real question is WHY does this feeling persist when the evidence points to social connections left right and centre? I think it is because many of these friends are casual friends and while lots of them take up your time, they don’t always take up your energy. I think what they’re really missing and longing for is a “best friend”. Those connections from our youth where the feelings are mutual - or at least, you are young and naïve enough not to question this.

I do think this person had close friends as a youngster. As a part of a sporting team, their childhood memories seem to revolve heavily around fond moments with the team mates and a sense of sadness that those times passed so quickly before people marched on towards marriage and children and responsibilities. The difference they seem to feel between the friendships they had as a younger person and those they hold as an older one appears to be reciprocity.

Back when they were a star player of the team, they felt valued and validated by their mates. The team members sought out their company and they felt welcomed and celebrated amongst them. In adulthood they report feeling as though they aren’t valued and validated. That the people they might have considered best or close friends don’t feel the same way about them weighs heavily on their shoulders.

This brings me to wonder what it is that makes a friend feel close or reciprocal? It would seem to be that actions speak louder than words in this scenario. I think this person longs for that friend who has 2 tickets to a show, and instantly thinks of asking them to go along as a first preference. And for this person to also feel welcome to make the same assumption in return when it is their turn to hold a spare ticket. Someone who thinks of them when they have a free night off and invites them for a drink or a game of cards. Someone, who, when they are going through something, thinks of them as the person to call and talk to about it. Someone they could comfortably also feel safe to call in turn.

There is nothing inherently wrong with desiring this level of closeness with a friend; being that humans are social creatures and essentially pack animals. The feeling of belonging is tied into feelings of worthiness and security. Unfortunately this also means we are triggered by fears of rejection too and maybe even sense rejection when it wasn’t intended as a defense mechanism? So when this person learns that their friend went out to lunch with someone else and didn’t invite them, that may lead to feelings of rejection, inferiority and insecurity that they like the person they did invite more.

The problem with those feelings, apart from the fact that they are usually largely fantasy, is that it becomes hard to say “Oh, that sounds good. I’d love to come next time if you’re going again sometime. I’ve been wanting to try that place.” Because if you’re taking the rejection too personally it is easy to convince yourself that they specifically didn’t want you there as opposed to the more likely thing that they just didn’t think to invite you.

Now, of course, not being thought of is part of the bigger issue. Because it is easy to assume that if people liked you enough they would be thinking of you and would want to invite you to all and sundry. But life just isn’t like that and you have to allow people grace. If they really hadn’t wanted you along then they probably would never have mentioned it in the first place. If you think the people you are surrounding yourself with are deliberately trying to make you feel rejected and left out then it is time to surround yourself with new people! However the chances are, that you know they didn’t mean to hurt you and if that is true then they also didn’t mean to exclude you.

This person’s partner is a bit of a social butterfly, and I think it upsets them by comparison that their partner easily makes friends who seem to pop in and call and make impromptu invitations all the time while they don’t have that for themselves. To be fair, their partner is also not an initiator. They are kind and funny and open and a brilliant listener which is a really big asset in friendships. So their partner just finds people who like to talk and they like to listen and; hey presto, look who’s the new flavour of the month?! That said, when they’re at a loss, those same people are unlikely to be available at a moments notice and are not always as caring and concerned in return. I think this person fails to notice their partner’s friendships also lack reciprocity because of the regularity of contact and the appearance of being sought after.

Male and female friendships are a bit different. Male friendships tend to focus around activities and so there is pressure to be a good player or a widely handy or knowledgeable etc…. to be valued. However what is the star of the group without the other teammates to look up to him? Perhaps we need to stop and see the value in being one of the team rather than the star? Although there will still be the star of every group, it is often more about the company, the game, and the enjoyment. An excuse to get together and play.

The real problem my these types of people face appears to be a lack of vulnerability. They both want those friends who make you feel amazing when they pick you and start calling and making invitations. The ones confident enough to make the first move. Confidence is attractive after all, even in platonic pairings. And feeling chosen makes a person feel valued. But if you want that feeling, maybe others want it too? Maybe someone has to go first. To make the first invitation. To be the first to express feelings or thoughts or troubles and open up? To be that excited one about someone else and see if it sparks.

To be prepared to approach a stranger and strike up a conversation or see an opening and invite people over for dinner, then to be patient and see what friendships spark and not take the ones that don’t so personally.

They do say in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. While some of us are good at reciprocating and see that as a love language, others appreciate feeling chosen first sometimes too. And the best part about choosing rather than being chosen is that you don’t have to choose anyone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You just have to be brave enough to cast your line and see what bites. Just like fish, some will swim by, some will take the bait but free themselves before you can reel them in and some will need to be thrown back in. But a rare few will be keepers and you wont give a second thought to the ones you didn’t catch, and you wont give up after one quiet attempt. Teach a man to fish and all that….. Not to mention there’s always literally plenty more friendship fish in the sea!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Friendships; Friendly but not friends?

What does the word friendship mean to you? What springs to mind when you think of a friend? For me, I tend to think of close friends. The ones I laugh with, cry with and vent to. The ones I share personal details with, and the ones I share the ins and outs of daily life with. However, that image doesn’t fit with everyone in my life I call a friend.

I know there are acquaintances, like for example the admin lady at the kids school or the friend of a friend to whom I might stop at say hello to at the shops but with whom I share no real friendship. But if I were with my husband and I was to run into one of these people I would introduce them in terms of how I knew them. For example I might say “this is Kate, she works in admin at the kids school.” I would not introduce or describe them as a friend, unless I was saying this person was a friend of my friend. It would seem impolite to use the word acquaintance even though it would fit the nature of the relationship.

But sometimes there is a degree of separation between an acquaintance and a casual friend. These people almost fit 2 categories, or are somewhere on the borderline between both. Take my hairdresser for example. I am her client, and as such it would be fair to use the word acquaintance. However, as my hair appointments take hours and we discuss personal details of our lives, it feels too formal for this relationship. We text outside of my appointments about things nothing to do with hair. However, as we don’t spend time together outside the salon…. The word friend also seems too deep and inaccurate.

Maybe that is because the relationship could go either way. It could blossom into something deeper over time where we do begin to spend time on a personal level outside a business setting. Or our communication outside the salon could fizzle and we could remain acquaintances – me her client and her my service provider. Although I like her and she appears to like me, I would call us friendly more than friends.

A close friend of mine was also recently commenting on the volunteer group she is a member of and how she enjoys being part of the team, and the friendly and caring nature of the people within it… yet there seems no interest in growing these connections into friendships beyond the concept of the group. So she was confused, and forced to question her perception of these people… or of her perception about friendships and what constitutes them in the first place.

In discussing this we came to the conclusion that perhaps both scenarios were what you would call casual friendships. That perhaps the word friend is the catchall and the word before it is the determining factor? Although the word friend on its own can mean exactly that. This person is my friend. I like them and see them socially, however we are not particularly close nor are we family or romantic in nature. So perhaps there is some sort of sub categorical system that is only acknowledged at the top tiers.

We refer to best friends and or close friends as categories, but perhaps friend itself is a category and below that is casual friend followed by acquaintance? And perhaps it is ok, important even, to have friends across the whole range of categories, because people grow and change. Somoene who was once a best friend may gradually reduce back to a casual one and someone who starts as a casual one may oneday grow into a close or best friend when the timing is right.

The key is not to try and push or force them into places they don’t quite fit and just see where things naturally evolve to. Not everyone who has potential to become close will, and not everyone who seems stand offish will stay that way. So just accepting and welcoming people from all the tiers seems like a valuable investment, enjoying each for the small or big pleasures they bring. It’s important to be patient, but also to not expect everyone to be interested in growing the connection further and not taking this personally or to mean that they don’t like you enough to be a friend.

Your casual friends probably already have quite a full circle and aren’t necessarily looking to take on more right now, although that could change for any number of reasons. Or, like my hairdresser in the above example, maybe we feel freer to discuss personal topics BECAUSE we aren’t friends as such? Because there is a degree of separation. It is usually wiser to get to know people personally a little slower; so maybe if we had intended on being friends in a real sense of the word we would have shared more carefully? That’s not to say it couldn’t work, who knows, just that it’s wise not to make assumptions that it will or should become more.

So casual friends have their place and their purpose…. Next week we will explore if having only casual friends is enough, and how one person can feel the friendship is on a different tier level than the other person…. Maybe even how to actively try and grow a casual friend into a closer one.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters.

We are all, always, in a state of flux. Our lives, however incrementally, are always changing and evolving through different stages and phases. Things that seem like unchangeable facts are less solid than we think, as life continues to take us where it will. In many ways we know this, right? Especially in reference to ourselves.

I don’t mean phases as in the rapper phase I went through as a teenager either, I just mean periods of time where things in life define us, until they change. Like, 10 years ago, I was the mother of young children, whereas now I am the mother of teenagers. For a long while I was a student, then I worked full time, currently I am a stay at home parent. I say currently not because I have any plans to return to work, or study, nor because I am under any delusions that my blog is going to one day throw me into the limelight of fame. I simply say currently, because I have no idea what the future holds, and none of us really do.

The thing I have been less aware of, is that my friends are also in their own phases and stages, and this is particularly true when I meet them and bond and get to know them. One friend I met freshly divorced, and I got to know the single version of her who valued friendships much more than the coupled version of her did. So I felt slighted when she fell back in love, remarried and didn’t have as much time or space for me as a friend in her life. It felt like she had changed; but the truth was that I hadn’t known her in a relationship phase, nor acknowledged that this was a phase and likely to change!

Another friend I met and got close to in a period of her life when there was somewhat of a rift in her family, and I didn’t know she was clinging to me for the safety and security of belonging. I welcomed her into our family with open arms, unconcerned at the oddness of the situation to others. Then, as the years passed, her family grew, and as it grew, it healed slowly. They became closer again and I watched my friend slowly forget us as her surrogate family as she was once again a part of her own. I don’t begrudge her this, I am happy for her as I see how happy family makes her. But I wont say it didn’t hurt to feel forgotten and cast aside as the now useless placeholders. I wouldn’t change it, but I still didn’t know, when I met her.

Other friends I met when they were married, and sadly, some of those marriages failed. Some friendships grew stronger and some grew apart as a result. Nobody knew they were going to get divorced; it didn’t seem or feel like a phase….. but when their lives changed, our friendships changed. Which also happened with some friends I picked up along the way because they were the parents of my friends kids…. But when the kids grew apart, or fell out, the friendships with the parents naturally faded too.

So sometimes what feels like a sudden change in a friend, really is just a new chapter of their lives starting. We forget that the stories didn’t begin when we met, although our chapters in each others lives did. But the story is bigger than us, we are merely characters in a much bigger storyline. We think we know someone, and then we think that they have changed into someone we don’t know, or in some cases, don’t like. But the truth is, we are all constantly in a state of flux. People marry, divorce, move, retire, start new jobs, die, get sick, have babies and all sorts of other things that impact them.

Maybe stressors made them become less patient, or commitments started eating up all their time, or illness made them withdraw, or a new home or job introduced them to new people in a new world…… but whatever the reason for these changes, it is very seldom about you at all. That is not to say it doesn’t impact you. If you read my blog, it does. It hurts when people change, and we can even feel attacked to a degree. But sometimes it hurts because we make it personal. We wonder what we did to upset them. Or what we could do to fix the problem. Or if we were so meaningless to them that they could easily forget about us or let us go.

You know what’s ironic? If the situation was reversed, they would probably feel the exact same way as you do now. The good news about that is this means it is a totally valid and normal thought process. The fact you feel sadness and loss over changes only serves to prove that there was love there because grief is just love with nowhere to go. It has nowhere to go because where you were putting it has changed. There isn’t room for it there anymore and that feels sad.

While I think it is important to feel that sadness and just sit with it until it passes, blaming yourself is not only pointless, it is also small minded. You can’t see the woods for the trees. We are all chapter’s in someone else’s book, just as they are in our own. But none of us are really actually writing the story or in complete control of how the pages are filled and when the chapters end.

When I think back to the friend who was freshly divorced; I notice I too was going through a break up of sorts from a core group friendship and she was there for me, giving me a place to put that love and we helped each other heal from 2 separate heartbreaks. The friend who became part of our family still has a welcome space at our table anytime even if she doesn’t use it. She came into my life at a time I was struggling with young kids and she helped me raise them to the teenagers they are today. They say little things she says, she is part of them, and it makes me smile. I needed her at that time in my life and my kids wouldn’t be who, or where they are today without her.

Two of the people who divorced and became closer as a result are 2 of the most dependable friends I have. One feeds my cat when I am away, twice a day and I never have to worry that she will forget. I trust her. The other is the one from my post a little while ago about dirty laundry, without whom life would be infinitely harder right now. I am so grateful these changes brought us together, but I know their stories continue to be written and my time or place may be written differently tomorrow. I am still grateful for today.

I even felt a bit lost when my hairdresser left the salon and disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure, I only saw her in the salon, but we built a bond there, and I was sad to lose it. I had to trust someone new with my hair and it scared me. But it eventually led me to my new hairdresser, who I love and trust just as much as the old one. I can still miss one while being grateful her departure brought me to another.

Friendship is a bit like that. The faces, and places change, but the feelings stay the same and when one door closes, another door or window opens. Eventually you will find it, you will love again and you will not always be sad that things had to change. Because you will grow tall enough to see the bigger picture and read the beautiful stories of the people you love, and have loved in the past and realise they didn’t want to leave you or lose you, it just kinda happened somehow.

We aren’t phases in people’s lives, but we are chapters within phases that are seemingly unrelated but yet all interconnected. Like the butterfly effect I suppose. We cannot control the phases of our lives or those of people we love, so all we can do, is make our chapters count. Make them chapters that they look back on and smile because you were in them. Chapters they like to re-read, mentally or even revisit later in life in a different phase or stage.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Forgotten Birthday Blues.

I remember when I was a teenager, my best friend commented that I always seemed to get hit by the birthday blues. I guess at that age each year that passes brings with it a mounting pressure to meet all the standards set for you. Social and sexual standards, educational and career standards, independence standards, not to mention fashion and body standards. Back then it was easy to feel like I was the only one who was falling short, but I suspect everyone probably felt the same. At least my friend cared enough to remember it was my birthday and notice my seasonal shift!

As my daughter enters this same teenage chapter in her life, I notice a similar shift in her. Not wanting to celebrate, spending more hours in the bathroom preening her face and hair, carefully selected outfits and craving home, the only safe place to be completely free to be your unfiltered self. Because I remember, and I understand, I respected her need for a comfy day at home in her pyjamas. She spent most of the day on her computer playing games and chatting to her friends until my parents stopped in for cake and coffee.

After they left, she came to me and said she was feeling “salty.” Which I believe is young people speak for annoyed/upset/angry. Asking her why she was feeling that way, she said only one of her friends had remembered and said happy birthday. I said maybe they didn’t know it was her birthday as she didn’t do anything to celebrate and she insisted she had been talking about it all week at school, so they must’ve known, and that she remembers their birthdays. Although, as we get older, birthdays hold less significance, and we have more understanding and tolerance for other peoples own busy lives and cluttered mind, I could still relate to her feelings.

It’s so easy to fall into this trap where you convince yourself that you are a better friend to your mates than they are to you. To allow yourself to feel uncared for, to see the negatives and start questioning your own importance within your circle. It’s even easier to over exaggerate your own greatness as a friend. Especially when you are a teenager, but even when you aren’t.

It might come down to love languages, because sometimes the way we express love, care and friendship to others, is not the way they themselves express it. For my daughter, remembering her friend’s special day is a way she expresses her friendship and that she was thinking of her friends. When she planned a “friend-entines day” celebration for them and lovingly packed each of them a love heart cupcake, and when she buys them thoughtful gifts for their birthdays even if they don’t have a celebration, or she isn’t included, she’s expressing her friendship and the special bond she feels with them individually and as a group.

I am so proud of her for the way she expresses her friendship, and the joy it brings her to make her friends happy. To see her realise that the act of giving is a greater gift than that of receiving. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to receive. What it does mean is that she has to look more carefully for the details she is missing in her salty state.

I reminded her of the one friend who was able to calm and comfort her when she had to go to the sick bay at school, which was her friends way of showing love and care. I reminded her of the requests for time spent hanging out together in person from another friend, and the secrets they share in those moments alone together. That shared intimacy is an act of care. I reminded her of the friend who makes her laugh, even when she feels like crying, and how that was an act of love and care.

Most of all, I reminded her to look for these positives, to remember them and to be gracious when her friends don’t reciprocate to her in her own language. Not to test people, by not celebrating your birthday and seeing who will notice. Not to set people up to fail and to confirm your worst fears about yourself and them. Not to let your mind poison you and your relationships by convincing you that nobody loves you and you would never treat them in ways they treated you.

When I relayed this to a friend with a young lady in her life of a similar age to my daughter however, she reminded me, that while they were all valid points, and important, it still does feel craptacular when your friends don’t remember your birthday. I reflected on an article I had read recently in a female friendship group I am a member of, and how a woman in her 60’s was also upset when her friends did not remember her birthday, while they remembered and celebrated everyone else’s birthdays.

So I hugged my young teen and told her it is ok to feel salty. It does hurt to feel forgotten and unimportant. Then we brainstormed ways to make it not happen again, such as celebrating as a way to remind people, or sending them a subtle message on your birthday such as “wow, I am 14 today! Sooooo old!” Lol I also said it was ok to say to her friends that she felt hurt, and allow them to apologise and make it up to her. Because while it is easy and lovely to express your love for your friends, sometimes it is not easy at all to express your hurt. But if you can’t, are you really as close as you think you are?

The magic isn’t in having perfect friends who never forget, who go above and beyond, who never let you down, the magic is in letting yourselves be imperfect, in working it out, in trusting that they will make it up to you, and that you can trust them with your hurt. “I’m not hurt” she insists; “I’m salty.” And I remind her that when someone says “I hate you” they really mean “you hurt me.”

“You don’t understand what salty is mum. I don’t hate them.” Ok, maybe I don’t understand what salty means, but I do understand friendships; what she’s going through now, what she will go through. The joy and the heartbreak and the new and old friendships, and the art of knowing when to hold and when to fold. But, as my own mother loves to tell me “you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.”

You can’t. But maybe my daughter has much to teach me about friendships too. Watch this space, the next generation of girl drama is coming through! Stay tunes folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Easter endearments and ideas for our friends who are slightly cracked eggs

Rolling painted hard boiled eggs downhill was a childhood tradition in my family. Did you have any?

Well readers, it’s hard to believe that Easter has rolled around already, but here we are! Each year I try to write a post about sweet friendships. I highlight that friendship is sweeter than any easter chocolate, but that friends who bring chocolate are even sweeter. I post sweet memes to send to your friends on this holiday, or list reasons why friendship is healthier than chocolate.  I have posted funny memes to make you smile, and easter hunt ideas for friends or family.

But as this easter is my sweet son’s sweet 16th birthday, I am taking a break this year from my easter posts. I have linked to them all above if you need inspiration, just click on the post you want to see and it should appear!

I wish you all a Happy Easter Holiday, and hope you spend it with your friends and family getting fat on all the chocolates. Which apparently is only something we do here in Australia. I am curious to hear what things other than chocolate foil covered easter eggs you celebrate Easter with in  your region of the world, so please do post and let me know.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy Birthday Besties!

2 of my closest friends have birthdays at the end of March, one day after the other. This often means I feel like I never get to give either of them the complete attention they deserve as my mind is always still a little in “go mode” for the other. As these friends don’t know one another, a group thing just doesn’t work either.

As a matter of fact, I have so many birthdays in my life from December to March, I find I am almost relieved to check the last one off the list and take a break! I have 6 in February, and 6 in March, then let’s not forget to add in Galentines, Valentines and Easter into the mix too! It’s a pretty busy time of year to say the least and it requires me to be locked and loaded early.

I have a running list of names, what gifts they are getting for Christmas, when we are catching up for the festive season, birthday gifts, what we are doing to celebrate their special day and when, plus notes on what to write in each of the cards associated with the occasion. I have to keep a running list of ideas because it means basically buying 2 gifts and writing in 2 cards in fairly quick succession, plus planning any events, especially if it is someone’s 50th or some other big celebration.

Sometimes I find it all a bit overwhelming and I am actually a bit burnt out by the time their birthday’s roll around. I never want to give either of these friends the impression that their birthdays are an inconvenience, although when they both suggest the same night to celebrate that might be precisely how they feel when the negotiations begin! And I always feel endlessly guilty that although I am showing up and planning and doing all I can, that each of their celebrations seems somewhat overshadowed by the other.

So as their birthdays are in a few days, I wanted to publicly post how meaningful they are to me. In order of their birthday’s not in order of preference or importance!

Lisa,

Our long late night conversations, or endless phone calls about all the crazy thoughts we each have mean the world to me. Nobody understands my crazy quite like you do. Our monthly dinners are always a highlight and I love hearing about all the things, big and small going on in your world. It has been a pleasure growing with you, watching our friendship evolve through different phases over the years and watching you finally settle into the happiness you now radiate. You are a deep and kind and beautiful soul. I am so glad we met and maintained our connection through it all. I know that no matter what I am going through, I can always turn to you for endless listening, support and advice… and that you will be patient and understanding even when I don’t take said sound advice. I always feel loved by you, and I hope you always feel loved right back. I wish you as much happiness as you have brought me over the years for your birthday and every day. I can’t wait to celebrate it with you, and watch your face light up as it always does with whatever gifts you receive. I might be tired, but I am never tired of you or too tired for you. I look forward to celebrating you. Thank you for your friendship, it is the only gift we need. Lots of love xxx

Bel,

From the moment I met you, I knew that you were going to be special to me. I knew you were smart and kind, but I had no idea just how funny and fun you were. What a delight to find all our time together spent laughing. Our in jokes are next level and I always enjoy our time together. Thank you for the past 10 years of making memories, of love and laughter. In that time you have grown to be an important part of my family, and an even more important part of your own. Nothing is ever too much for you and I admire how generously you give of your time and services to the people you love. Your life has been on a journey and while it hasn’t always been an easy path, and your destination is still unknown, it has been an honour to walk beside you, and watch you smile no matter what. Your laugh is infectious and lights up any room, and your smile is my favourite thing to see. So many meals, movies, motels and massages. Gambling and giggling. Sarcasm and shopping. Your friendship has been an exciting experience, there is never a dull moment with you. While your birthday is among the last of the madness, you give me the energy to come to the party with all the stops and you make doing so worth it. Thanks for loving, not just me, but my family too. I hope this year brings me the privilege of returning that and many other favours. I know it will be filled with love and laughter if we are together. Love you longtime xx

I probably love these 2 friends precisely because they were born so close together. It was written in the stars. We are all fire signs! Not everyone can handle the heat, but these are 2 friendships I hope continue burning as bright as the sun for as long as it shines bright in our sky. Although they are fundamentally different friends, who meet fundamentally different and opposite needs of mine, there is no comparison or competition. I love each equally to the other and I know each of them loves me.

Although I often complain about what I call the March Madness, I wouldn’t have it any other way. All this means is that I am blessed with enough wonderful people for a madhatters tea party and maybe I should consider that for next year!

In the meantime, I have presents to wrap and cards to write and bookings to make. I have easter hunts to plan and shopping to do! So that’s it from me for this week folks! I will keep it short and sweet for Easter next week, so see you after a little break from broadcasting in April!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do you actually always like your friends? Do they always like you?

During my recent falling out with a close friend, when we let silence permeate between us for a week, I was left pondering the question; do we actually like each other? More pointedly, this pervasive feeling that my friend really didn’t like me plagued me. Why would she stay friends with someone she actually didn’t like, I wondered.

Ruminating on the issue, I couldn’t ignore the fact that in my own circle of friendship there are friends I like maybe more than others. As I don’t keep too many friends, all of my friendships tend to be relatively close, but there were definitely friends who I had conflicting love hate feelings for. Where was the like? And if I didn’t like them, why on earth were we still friends?

I couldn’t really answer this in a black and white way as I had hoped. If I could understand my own motivations, maybe I would better understand those of my friend who I worried didn’t like me. What I did uncover was that there were aspects to some people that I don’t like or don’t trust or don’t feel comfortable with. Someone that speaks poorly of their other friends behind their backs. Someone who was very nice to me, but was sometimes rude to wait staff, or someone who has some controlling or manipulative tendencies. Someone who has wildly different values than my own.

So the outcome was that people are not perfect, of course! And there may be traits in everyone that we dislike, even if we do like them overall. And sometimes the things you don’t like are actually good things. Maybe you have a friend that is too nice, or a friend who is a bit uptight because they have strong morals and values, or a friends who is a bit tight with money because they stick to a budget at all costs. None of these things make a person toxic or bad friend material, they are just small aspects of our friend that make up a bigger picture of who they are.

It stood to reason therefore that there ARE definitely things about me that my friends don’t like, including the friend I was currently having issues with. I had to be ok with that and hope that the things she did like about me would outweigh the things she didn’t, although our ugly interaction wasn’t doing me any favours! Which is when I knew I needed to apologise. As much as from myself as for her and our friendship. If I was being honest with myself, the things I didn’t like about her had started becoming a focal point for me over the last few months and it wasn’t healthy or helpful to let my thoughts convince me that my feelings were facts.

Positive regard is a really big part of friendship, and trusting that your friends have positive regard for you in return is equally important. So when you find yourself starting to focus so heavily on the less desirable qualities of your friends, or start to hear negative messages from their actions, it is quite easy to lose that “like” aspect of your relationship even if you do actually love them.  It is easy to overlook all the positive aspects of your connection and start delving into dark places.

Interestingly for me, I find I can accept that many of my friends have qualities that I don’t find particularly endearing, but yet when I thought they were aware of my own faults I wasn’t so keen to admit that I too am a flawed individual and trust that they would still like me enough to continue our friendship. Any inkling that my friends were pulling back, or speaking to me with a tone, or not engaging as they usually would had me swimming in insecurity and had me feeling defensive about all my more positive qualities and ruminating on all the ways they had upset me over the years.

But the truth is, 9 times out of 10, when a friend is a little distant or distracted, it isn’t about us. It is about them, and what events in their own lives are floating around in their minds and it is unkind of me to not allow them more grace and trust, whilst jumping to conclusions that they don’t like me. It bothers me that I still struggle with this at times, because of course a friend should be granted the benefit of the doubt and the freedom and space to live their own life, get caught up in their own dramas and the privacy not to always feel they have to explain to you what is happening in their life so that you don’t take it personally.

However, just the same as “feelings are NOT facts” “Facts are NOT feelings either.” So how do you validate your feelings while keeping a clear mind about the facts and reality of the situation when “perception is reality?”  I think the answer to that is to make sure we are always questioning our perceptions of people and situations and that while if you feel a certain way about a friend or a situation, that is ok and valid. You do have a point. However nothing is one dimensional.

So yes, it is ok to be a little hurt or sad or annoyed about whatever has happened, and you don’t have to pretend you haven’t felt those feelings. Feel them. Don’t react to them or allow them to control your mind, just give them the oxygen they need to burn themselves out. Then look a little deeper into the situation, allow some time, perspective and remind yourself what you love about your friend, and what they love about you. Challenge negative thoughts like “she used me as plans for a last resort so she didn’t have to be home alone” to “it’s a shame her plans fell through but I am so happy she thought of me to spend time with instead.”

If you are struggling with a friend and the aspects of them that you find less appealing, remind yourself of why you are friends, all the good times you have together and the needs of yours that are met by the friendship and ways to build upon that connection. Ask yourself if you are allowing your negative thoughts to take control and paint your friend as an evil villain, when in reality nobody is all good nor all bad. Ask yourself how you would feel if one of your friends always chose to see or hear the negative in you?

The chances are high, that if someone is your friend, then YES, you DO like them. And YES, they DO like you too! Always? Probably not. Even if you don’t like every single thing about each other. Even if you annoy one another, or there are times when you actively dislike each other due to hurts and resentments and slights. Overall friendship is that positive regard and if you’ve lost it, I recommend seeing if you can get it back before losing people. Better to take the good with the bad than feel temporary relief and long term regret over hasty decisions made when your brain was flooding you with negative thoughts and feelings about someone who is probably not all bad or you never would have been friends with them in the first place, would you?

Think before you act. Like is a feeling just as love or hate or dislike are, and feelings pass, so don’t let valuable friendships pass with them. Positive regard doesn’t mean that you like everything about someone or that they like everything about you. It means they love and value you regardless of the things they don’t like; that the good outweighs the bad.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If it is important to you, then it is also important to your friends; that feeling of security that they can be flawed and imperfect and still know they are safe in your friendship, life and heart.

Breaking Up Versus Making Up

In the last month or so, a situation arose in one of my closest friendships where we spoke heated angry words at each other, I stormed out the room in tears and she packed up her stuff and left my house. I’m not even going to go into the details of our petty fight over something ridiculously inconsequential. For whatever reason this small thing triggered us both into big emotional reactions, and threw us into that grey area. Do we make up, or is it time to break up?

It’s not exactly common for her and I to fight like this, but it wouldn’t be accurate to say we always see eye to eye or find it easy to get along either. Each of us is well practiced at turning a blind eye to a heated comment or making a well timed joke to ease rising tensions. As she is easily the friend I spend the most time with, and as we are close, it stands to reason that we also get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Usually, we manage to make it work. But not always.

In the past we have broken up once before. We went our separate ways for 18 months, eventually being drawn back together. Similar circumstances presented, heated words and accusations followed by the loudest silence. She was the one to break the silence that time; I never would have. I tend to be a bit proud, and take the rejection quite personally. If you have left my life, I wont beg you to stay. But the 18 months we spent apart were hard on me. I missed her and I hated that I missed her, because I didn’t think she missed me. That hurt.

So, when I found myself once again swimming in the silence between us, it was time to ask myself, was this gong to be a comma, or a full stop? Initially it seemed clear, that after 10 years, if we still couldn’t get along, then this had to end. Our differences were clearly insurmountable and our needs were obviously opposing. Why keep trying when no matter how many times we tried to rewrite the story, it always ended the same way? I knew we loved each other, but love clearly wasn’t enough.

Each day that passed in silence weighed heavier than the one before. I didn’t really know why. Wasn’t it supposed to get easier? Why was it feeling worse? Perhaps it was her birthday gift that arrived in the mail the same day she stormed out of my house, and maybe my life? Or maybe it was the GALentines rose that sat mocking me on my bedside table? It might’ve been the photos of her that appear everyday in the little collection of photos my phone makes up for me, as she’s always in them. Probably because my phone is filled with all the happy memories we have shared over the last decade of friendship. It could’ve been the reminders in my phone about her niece’s birthday, or the pregnancy test that tumbled out of my bathroom cupboard onto my foot when I reached in for a new tube of toothpaste, as she is trying to conceive.

There were reminders of her, remnants of our scattered friendship everywhere I looked. My freezer has dog food for when her dogs are here. My cupboard has toys for when her young family members come to play. My buffet has a laminator and pouches for any work she needs to do at my place at short notice. My pantry has her favourite snacks, my fridge her favourite drinks. It could have been any of those reminders of how close we have become and how intertwined our lives have become. If anything, it was probably when my son received 4 awards for his outstanding efforts the year before, when she tutored him to a place of acceptance into his chosen field of study. I started to realise, I need this person. She’s become part of us over the years. More than that, I want her to stay a part of us. I missed her.

Being a Leo, however, still means I have too much pride, and refused to actually tell her any of this and end the long and loud silence lingering between us. Instead, I quietly hoped she would once again make the reconciliatory move. The difference between this time and last time, however, was that this time, she actually had apologized. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready for apologies then. I was still heated and self righteous. For all my talk of things like “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Apparently the question wasn’t as straightforward as it seemed. At that time, I felt I was right and that did make me happy. So I shot her apology down with some ugly harsh words, and on reflection, I felt that I had probably put the final nail in my own coffin by doing so.

When emotions are high and heated like this, it is easy to let logic fly out the window, and apparently all my windows were open that day. And my door. I let her leave and I regretted it now, yet seemed unable to take any steps to rectify the situation. So I let the silence drag on, all the while knowing, deep down, I was making things way worse, and if I didn’t act soon, it would be too late.

I went to dinner with another trusted long term friend, and I shared the situation with her. She asked me how we left things and I told her. She asked me if I was sorry and I said that I was sorry, yes. She asked me why I hadn’t apologized if I was sorry? I shrugged, and said “Pride?” She asked me if I was proud of how we had left things and I laughed and said “it was hardly my proudest moment was it?” And so, she concluded, I knew what I had to do.

She was right. I had to apologise if there was any hope of saving this. If I didn’t, I would be throwing away 10 years of friendship over a petty disagreement that got blown out of proportion, because I was too proud to say sorry? Too afraid of rejection? We had 10 years between us. Did I not trust her? What did I think she would do? The worst she could do was ignore me, which she was already doing… so what was there to lose?

The next morning, I reached out and apologized. I told her she was too important to me to just throw it all away over something stupid, that I had over reacted and that we still needed and wanted her in our lives. That I loved her and I didn’t want to regret not trying to reconcile because I let pride get in the way when I wasn’t proud of how we left things.

That afternoon, she thanked me for reaching out, said we probably just needed some space, and although it would be a bit awkward seeing each other for the first time again, she appreciated my apology and of course it wasn’t too late for us. We decided not to be awkward, just to laugh it off like we had always done in the past, hug it out and soldier on.

Close relationships, including friendships sometimes experience friction. It isn’t the friction that defines you, but the recovery that does. The trust and vulnerability, can actually bring you closer. If you allow it. I always say Friendships are akin to platonic relationships, which means they take the same commitment and effort to communicate, show up, and make things work. It is easier to walk away from a friend than a romantic relationship, but the easiest path is seldom the right one is it?

I can’t tell you if you should break up or make up with your friend. But I can tell you it is worth weighing up how much your friendship means to you and if you would rather live with trying to reconcile and being turned down, or the regret of not knowing what might have happened if you had been willing to try. It feels so much better to fight for her than fight against her. So fight for whatever feels right for you, and just know we are proof that either way, it ain’t over til it’s over.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Needs in Friendships

We live in a world that likes boxes and labels for everything. Friendship is in of itself a box, neatly separated from family or romantic or sexual relationships. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have romantic friendships or sexual ones for that matter. So I wanted to explore the different types of friendships, or the different types of friends you might have, and what needs they might be meeting.

I know I have talking friends, mostly. These are friends with whom I can sit on the couch for hours, with a hot or cold drink and whittle away hours. We can cover an endless array of topics, past, present and future about life and love and relationships. We talk about our kids and our homes and our dreams. We talk about our families, our problems, our jobs, passions and hobbies. We spend time truly listening to each other and just enjoying a sense of connection through sharing.

My friends who lean towards overthinking like I do, we talk about the psychology and feelings behind what we have done, or what someone else has said. We talk through consequences of possible decisions and look at all the predicted outcomes of a big decision. We discuss theories and delve a little deeper into conversations.

But this makes other friends uncomfortable. They prefer to swim closer to the surface, and enjoy time seeing a play or a movie. They love to laugh and dilute the intimacy between us which makes them mildly uncomfortable. But these friends are fun, always up for the other ticket to whatever you are doing and it can be a little like platonic dating. Who doesn’t love that? A romantic friendship can meet the needs of many people in different stages of their lives, although these friendships are typically devoid of much touch.

That doesn’t mean that friends aren’t sometimes affectionate. I certainly have a friend or 2 that are particularly tactile. The first to hug me on a hard day, these friends typically reach out and touch my arm as they share a story, or link arms with me when I walk. They grab my hand across the table and touch my hair or rub my shoulders. They hug and kiss me hello and goodbye with a natural ease, and make me feel very comfortable in their presence.

Typically, I have found that tactile friends aren’t your romantic ones, and their touch is affectionate rather than sexual. However, sexual friendships also do exist; often referred to as friends with benefits. In order to maintain the friends part of the label, these friends will usually shy away from the romantic or tactile categories, preferring to keep a surface level friendship where meetings have a mutually agreeable and desirably pleasurable outcome for both parties.

While your friends with benefits may be flirty with you, it is unwise to think every friend who is flirty with you is interested in anything more than a platonic non tactile connection. Some people are naturally flirtatious and use that as a way of forming connections. Others, on the more sarcastic scale, may banter with you, tease you and leave you a little confused if it is love or hate they are feeling…until you realise they are one in the same.

What’s interesting about all these different types of friendships, is that they all serve a need, and what’s good about them is that one person doesn’t have to meet all of your needs. If you happen to be a widow, perhaps you really appreciate your tactile friend as a way to still experience loving connection although you may never feel ready for a sexual friend. If you are single, you may really value the romantic plus one friend, or even the friend with benefits.

Personally I have had all these types of friends over the years and each has satisfied a need that is not always met within my marriage or romantic relationships prior to that. I can’t always deep dive in conversation with my husband, and he isn’t interested in armchair psychology as I am. He prefers to stay in, while I like going out, so my dating friend is a gem. I adore my tactile friends and how welcomed I feel in their presence as it is not something I have always felt in friendships with women because of my sexuality. Many have been hesitant to send mixed messages or have been more formal around touch to maintain appropriate boundaries, so the women who do embrace you with ease stand out. I have so much fun with my flirty friends and the ones who like to banter with me, and I don’t always need these friends to be the same ones as the ones I can talk to until the cows come home.

I find in my friendships it is important to mentally note which of my friends meets which needs, (some will and do overlap) and be grateful for that contribution to my life. Because it can be all too easy to start getting frustrated when the friend you laugh with doesn’t seem to listen, or when the friend you talk to never wants to spend a night on the town. It’s then that you have to recheck your expectations and remind yourself what you do enjoy about them, while reminding yourself that you have other friends for those other needs.

When you start exploring what friends meet which needs, you may even discover needs you didn’t even know you had. Like my friend who is kind of like one of the family. She is good with my kids, particularly my son, and this is valuable to me in ways I didn’t realise because my son’s biological father wasn’t around by the time he was born, so I had obviously been walking around wanting to find people who WOULD love my boy as I did. I wasn’t conscious of this need until she met it, yet as soon as she did, I knew I loved her.

A few of my friends I have known since childhood or adolescence, and although I am not consciously thinking about how I need friends that tie me to my past and who know me so well because they have always known me, when I think about them, sometimes it does feel as though we are the only people who truly, deeply and profoundly “know” and understand each other.

And I am sure I am yet to meet many more wonderful women who are to become my friends that may meet needs I either do not currently hold or do not know I hold. That is the magic of friendships and why we continue growing and nurturing them and making them all throughout our time on this earth. Some friends will stop meeting the needs that you have, or you may stop meeting theirs, or your needs may change, but the beauty is that more people are coming, or friends may change what needs they meet over time.

A divorced friend who never liked to go out when they were married might suddenly become your plus one friend, while they used to like to deep dive into conversations they may now prefer to just keep it light and fun. Or maybe they used to keep it light but now they like to get deeper because they are going through something! Or I might get a diagnosis that presents a new need for people going through the same thing that can relate.

The important thing is to know that our friends are important, they do meet certain needs we have and we should not ever rely one person, romantic or platonic to cover all the bases. The best part about that is that we can also play to our own strengths in our friendships too and meet whatever needs of our friends come naturally to us and don’t have to meet the needs that are out of our comfort zone.

What needs do your friends meet? Which needs of theirs do you think they meet in return?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Outgrowing yourself

I have written a few posts here in the past about outgrowing friends. It starts when your best friend is still playing with dolls at 10 when you are more into music and makeup. Then maybe your next best friend replaces music with men and they outgrow you. It happens all the time, and is just a normal part of friendship. It doesn’t stop there either, one of you may be into makeup, men and margheritas for a long while after the other is into marriage and making babies. Someone might be ready for retirement before the other. No age range is immune to growth, nor growing apart from their friends. Even really close ones.

But sometimes it isn’t so much that you have outgrown your friends as much as it is that maybe you have outgrown yourself and the person these friends know, love, and expect  you to be. I was chatting to a good friend the other day about her long stints working in government offices and the different friendships that she built over the years. She also talked about the image she created of herself at each office and how subsequently freeing it was to start again when changing jobs or departments. A fresh slate to write yourself anew!

And it struck me that this could be applicable to some friendships too. It isn’t that people can’t grow with you and love each version of yourself that you grow into. It’s more just that most people don’t. They liked you the way you were when they met you and they have become attached to that person and the way that person acts, thinks and feels.

In her first office job, my friend started in a long term defacto relationship. They had the mortgage, the caravan and the kids to boot. They had exciting adventures and the general relationship drama’s. The people in that office came to know and accept this version of her; happy, contented and low drama. So when the relationship came to a particularly dramatic and traumatic and confusing ending, they were in a rush for her to go back to being her happy low drama self. She felt stifled, nobody was really listening and people she thought were friends said dismissive things like “Just forget about it. You’ll get over it. Stay positive.” When what she really needed was a place to express her drama and let her crazy out.

So it was a sweet relief when she moved on to the next department during the drama, and people there were enthralled with every detail. She loved feeling listened to and validated, and people asking for the latest gossip made her feel cared for and seen. Her friends from the first office were right; in time, she did get over it, but there was soon an equally destructive partner, or should that be player on the scene to keep the office gossip fountain flowing for at least another 4 or 5 years.

When that ended, my friend decided it was time for some serious self reflection and work on herself. She threw herself into counselling, a 12 step program, a fitness and health routine and got back into her creative hobbies. Eager to share this new self with her workmates, she once again found herself disappointed. When the dramatic gossip dried up, so did their seeming interest in her life. So when she settled into a new steady serious relationship, and they moved in together, she again found herself craving that change to reinvent herself again.

This may be more prominent in work settings or group friendships, but the reality was that my friend had outgrown herself. She was tired of being the person she had been for them, and they were disinterested in the new version of herself that she had become. They wanted her to stay the same and she couldn’t – she wasn’t the same anymore, and she was also tired of being that old person anyway.

So sometimes a friendship might end for that same reason, because your friend has maybe outgrown themselves and the version of them that you needed them to be. Or you have grown tired of doing the same things, with the same people. Of having the same conversations and laughing at the same things and having the same arguments and responding the same ways.

I definitely do think it is worth trying to change within friendships, and seeing if your friends can love and embrace the new you. Change and grow with you. But it takes time and you need to be patient while they relearn you. You need to accept that they may also start changing and you might not love their changes either. You might find you want them to let you change but you aren’t so comfortable when they do.

Which is why most of us find it easier to move on  to new people who didn’t know who we were before, and aren’t too invested in who we become. People who fully invest in the version of ourselves that we are in this moment, before we get tired of ourselves! Before we get tired of them or they get tired of us.

I am one of the lucky last generations who grew up without the internet. My past is not recorded and available to anyone who wants to look at the click of a button. Doesn’t mean mistakes are easily forgotten by me, but it means reminders to or from others are seldom unless they happened to be there to see it. Maybe old friends sometimes serve the same way, as reminders of a past life you don’t want to remember.

I know my first group unfriending was seemingly unrelated to my new adventure into motherhood… but yet, there were expectations that weighed heavily on me from a past chapter that I could no longer carry. No I couldn’t, and didn’t want to sleep over for a 30th party, because I had a 2 year old and a 6 month old to go home to the next morning. No I wasn’t interested in getting drunk or staying up late. No, I couldn’t really still relate to workplace drama and dating. Nor could they relate to early mornings, poop stories or tolerate the constant interruptions to my attention; my mind always elsewhere. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and it wasn’t directly the cause of the fallout. But yet it was. I couldn’t be who I’d always been, and they couldn’t relate to who I’d become.

So they started spending time without me and I started spending time with other young mums who were struggling in similar ways until it came to a head. And as painful as it was, it was also freeing to get to know people who accepted and embraced me for what I could give and weren’t resentful of what I couldn’t. Who didn’t expect more of me than they themselves could offer, which was as little as I could at that time of my life. But what little we could offer was everything.

Sometimes we outgrow our friends. Sometimes they outgrow us. Sometimes we outgrow each other or the activities we used to enjoy. But more often than not, I think we really outgrow ourselves and the  expectations people have of us to be, do, respond, discuss, and enjoy the same things, when the truth is, it no longer feels authentic to us. New people see us the way we want to be seen, or maybe the way we want them to see us. They see us how we see ourselves.

I am lucky enough to say I have a few friends who have come along and loved every version of myself. And friends I have managed to love every version of…. Eventually. And that is what makes these relationships extra special, because it is actually really hard to endure the changes and embrace them. It can be painful for everyone and it can be easier to let go than hold on.

This goes out to those long time friends; I will forever try to grow with you and let you be whatever version of yourself that you are with love, just as you have for me. Thank you for your patience, both with me as I change, and as I struggle to keep up with your own. If I grumble it’s only because I love you and I don’t want to lose any version of you, ever. I only want to outgrow ourselves; together.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A friend’s dirty laundry

You probably clicked on this link hoping for some juicy gossip about a friend’s proverbial dirty laundry… sorry to disappoint, but the laundry is very much my own, and it is literal not proverbial! Because when we returned from our pre Christmas cruise, the day before Christmas eve, when I had heaps to do and basically all our clothing to be washed from holiday wearing….. the washing machine chose that day to die.

My husband, couldn’t quite accept the situation, when the dreaded error beeping began chirping from the machine as the first load hit the spin cycle. Thinking the machine was off balance, he moved some washing around and tried again. No luck…. The shrill beeping began again before he could even exit the laundry. Then he decided that the machine was over loaded, so he removed half the washing instead. It still wouldn’t work. So he did what all tech people do, turned it off and turned it back on again. This appeared to work…. Until it once again reached the spin cycle and was having none of it! I came in to see what was going on and noticed that the error message I usually get was C4 and this one was C2. So I went on a treasure hunt to find the manual etc and found that the issue was that the machine was unable to drain and instructions said to check the hose. So hubby promptly removed the hose, only to find there was no blockage, as the machine emptied litres and litres of water into our laundry, toilet, bathroom and hallway which was now like a swamp. That’s how we learned sand had clogged the overflow drains. But not before he tried the machine again 2 more times, yes, twice, you read that correctly, and both times added more water to the floor situation when low and behold, the machine still refused to drain.

We were all exhausted, it was 11pm and we just had to go to sleep and deal with it in the morning. When I woke up, the carpet was damp, the floor drains needed plunging, there were piles of smelly wet but unwashed washing everywhere, all the towels were added to the piles because of the floor situation and it was Christmas eve. Not to worry my husband pointed out; the machine was under warranty. Do you think I could find the receipt? No. But a quick call to the place of purchase would solve that; except he pointed out nobody was going to come out between Christmas and new year, and most places were closed until at least the 8th Jan. Fabulous.

There was no way I could hand wash all of this, particularly not in time for all the Christmas celebrations were taking place as early as that morning! So I reluctantly called my friend who lives around the corner from me, and explained the situation. I knew she had a washing machine outside of her house for her business use, so I asked if I could please pop over and use it, explaining I would take the washing home wet, and dry it myself etc… I just needed the use of her machine.

Taking pity on me, my friend invited me and my washing for coffee. Placing the first load in her machine we chatted until it ended and I went to take it and put it back in the basket to take home to dry, telling her I would be back in an hour to grab the next load. But no, she insisted she would hang the first load, and the second and bring it back to my house on the way out later that afternoon. Which she did, and when she was there, and saw the piles of laundry still to be done, she insisted I put another 3 loads in her car.

Folks, not only did my precious friend spend her Christmas eve washing my family’s clothes and towels, our smelly socks and well worn underpants, she hung it out to dry, carefully folded it and delivered it neatly organized back to my house. She even hid some caramel tarts or chocolates etc… in with a few loads for me to find as I put it all away. Not only that, as 3 weeks later, the repair people have come out and said the pump is gone and they need to order a new one, so we still have no machine, and every second day or so, she has checked in with me and made sure I am not the emperor with no clothes! Without asking, or complaint, she shows up, collects it, washes, dries, folds and sorts it, and brings it back. For weeks. Through the busiest season. My friend is an angel. And I have thanked her profusely, offered to pay her which was refused, bought her a bottle of her favourite perfume (which she did accept and was touched I remembered which is her favourite) and said I will take her for a meal. But she isn’t doing it for that, or for the accolades; she is doing it out of love and care for a friend in need.

That friend in need, isn’t often me. And it was very humbling, and also very awakening for me. As I relayed the saga to my family over Christmas dinner, my mum said of course that I could have used her machine, but that was less convenient, particularly now they live in a small apartment further away with less drying space if I was to spend a day doing multiple loads, although the offer was appreciated. My sister in law commented she didn’t think she would have any friends willing or offering to do the same for her in similar circumstances.

It gave me a moment to pause and reflect, not only how grateful and lucky I am to have this particular angel in my life as a friend, but how many good friends I do have that I could turn to in this instance. Sure, not all of them may have gone to the extent this friend did, who clearly went above and beyond, however, I doubt any of my friends would have turned me down to use their machine. Several said, as a matter of fact; “you can bring a load here and run it through my machine if you need/like.” I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t be willing to help. It just so happened the friend I did turn to lives near me and has 2 machines, and we are close enough friends that I have no problem with her seeing all our undies. She doesn’t judge!

Here’s a big shout out to you, my dirty laundry friend; and to all my friends for the love and support in big, small, tangible and intangible ways! Thank you for being there for me, for being a network of wonderful women I can turn to whatever I need. And I do. Need you. All of you. I am here for you too. Bring all your dirty laundry, proverbial and literal and we will sort it out together.

I hope this post inspires you to look at your own friendship circles, and who you could ask to take care of your own dirty laundry, and really appreciate how lucky you are to have those people you love and trust to turn to. If you don’t think you have anyone, or you would never dream of asking for such help, maybe this is a gentle reminder to let people in, that it is ok to be vulnerable, and to build intimate friendships. If you are always the helper and never the receiver of help; let this post remind you that helping feels amazing and you should keep doing it, but receiving help is humbling too. Which is important in life.

Sure, I could have used a laundromat. Or a dry cleaning service. I would not have even died to go three weeks without washing. But this is the fabric of friendship; dirty or clean. And it is worth it’s weight in gold!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

It’s Nearly GALentines or PALentines Day

Can you believe it is already February? Where does the time go? As many of you that are in romantic relationships might be gearing up for Valentines Day, it is my duty to remind you not to forget your friends. Fair enough if you want to devote all of the 14th to your sweetie, which is why GALentines Day or PALentines Day if you prefer, happens the day before. Because friendships matter too and deserve to be celebrated. Plus, it is way more inclusive, all you need is friends! If you ask me, it is also more fun.

So how should you celebrate GALentines or PALentines Day? That is the best bit, it is entirely up to you! Yellow roses with a handmade love heart card will be delivered to my nearest and dearest this year, although I had to go virtual for a few years over the pandemic. So that is an idea too and I will post a meme you can borrow if you want to be a bit lazy and just send it to your mates.

You might even do a mixture of things. You might give some friends a bunch of yellow roses, or have them delivered as a surprise. Or you might give each friend a single rose, real or fake, with a little card thanking them for their friendship like I do. You might have a few friends with whom you choose to exchange gifts or go on a date with, there aren’t any rules. I have done all of them at certain times with certain people.

I definitely don’t see why the single people in your lives should miss out on all the action, do you? Why not make a little slideshow of pictures of you both together over the years to Bruno Mars “count on me?” Or just call and serenade them! Or make a fun pic collage? Or buy a cool greeting card? Write them a poem or just organize a night on the town? Any excuse, right?

I typically deliver 10 roses, so if you are like me and have a few people you would like to acknowledge then this is a bit easier and more streamlined than making 10 individual slideshows. But if you only have one special friend you would like to celebrate you could cook them a meal, stay at a hotel, or go for a little picnic. You could go bowling or get silly portraits taken in the photo booth at the arcade or do a treasure hunt with the clues being personal to you both.

It can be as romantic or as platonic as your heart desires, even though your relationship is in the platonic realm. Everyone needs and loves a bit of romance in their lives, right? And everyone needs a friend.

I’ll keep it short and sweet this week lovelies, as you all have some GALentines or PALentines Day planning to do!! It’s this Tuesday FYI, so you need to get your skates on and make those fabulous friends of yours feel special! Just make sure you remember every year. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you!

Happy GALentines or PALentines Day to you all! May you all celebrate in style with your closest comrades!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Uncomfortable Silence In Conversation.

There are people I can be comfortably silent with, but honestly I dread uncomfortable silence. The lack of anything to say to each other feels as if it is echoing loudly around the room and making me question if our friendship is finishing. I mean, it can depend on the context, for example if you are staying overnight with someone at a hotel for example, you are going to expect moments where each of you quietly looks at their phone, but if you are having a 2 hour coffee with an old friend you haven’t seen in ages and the conversation stalls, the mind does jump to conclusions about why you have nothing to say, instead of more helpful things like conversation topics!

And of course there are moments when conversation stalls, usually because  you were interrupted by something and each lost your place in the conversation, but if the communication is sound, it is usually fairly quickly remembered and circled back to. Although I hate it when a friend loses their place in conversation and asks “what was I saying?” Because if I don’t know, it implies I wasn’t interested or engaged in what they were saying, when the truth is I am just as easily distracted as them. Half the time I don’t remember what I was just saying let alone what they were!

I know for me personally, one of the most common reasons this happens is because the friend in question isn’t someone I talk to about “everything.” If I am filtering myself, then there will be a certain mental list of safe topics to talk about with that person, but once that list is exhausted my improvisation skills to introduce new safe topics stalls! Thankfully someone will usually rescue the conversation with a comment about the weather, even if the weather really has been unremarkable.

But for this reason, I have come up with a generally safe list of questions to ask your friend to spark more conversation after you have covered the general basis of work and kids. A good place to start is travel. If you have something booked, or are considering booking something, go ahead and raise this a s a conversational topic. If you don’t you could ask them if they have any travel plans, and if they say they don’t you could still ask where they have been in the past, a favourite trip or recommendation, or where they aspire to go in the future.

If the travel topic falls flat or fizzles fast, another go to topic is any bands, shows or movies they have been to recently or have tickets to in the future. This is usually also a safe topic for you to share. Maybe you read a good book or watched a must see movie you could talk about or maybe they could make a recommendation of their own. If they are going to a musical, which theatre is it at? What is it about? Who are they going with, you get the gist.

Alas, sometimes life just isn’t all that interesting and they aren’t going anywhere or doing much that provokes conversation. But typically this means they probably watch Netflix and can recommend a good series, and if not, you can ask them how they spend their free time, and try to make conversation out of that.

Cooking is another good one to try. Have you tried any new recipes lately or seen any new diet plans you wanted to follow? Have they tried any that worked or didn’t work? Are there new restaurants in town you wanted to try or have tried. Have they?

Birthdays are another safe topic to discuss. Do they have any plans for an upcoming birthday, or a birthday of someone in their circle? If you happen to remember it is their brother’s 40th coming up, can you ask about that, if there are big plans in the making and what your friend is going to gift? If not, you must have a birthday or 2 you can pull out the hat to talk about?

I am sure there are many more safe topics of conversation that could be improvised, anything from memes you saw on social media, to sharing photos of your family. But the question is still valid…, If it is this hard to come up with conversation, if it is this awkward, why are you still friends and is it worth the effort to continue to talk when you clearly don’t really have anything to say to each other?

Sometimes the answer is yes because of a long history together, and sometimes the answer is yes just because it is easier than not being friends anymore… (or is it?) Sometimes the answer is no. Which does not make you the worst person in the world by the way, if a friendship is ending and it appears to be mutual, let it fizzle. It may spark again in the future!

But if the answer is yes, the friendship is important enough to preserve, I suggest you change your catch ups from coffee to comedy clubs. From meals out to movies with dinner included. From dinner parties to bowling. Move away from things where there is too much emphasis on chatting and more emphasis on sharing something enjoyable.  This way you still get to enjoy their company, make memories and preserve the connection, all the while not having a whole heap to say.

That suggestion only works if you can afford it though, doesn’t it? But all is not lost, because you can play board games or computer games at home for free, watch movies or series together or practice a new dance routine. Whatever fits you and your friend, the key is to keep busy and keep the focus on an activity rather than staring at each other in silence.

And rest assured sometimes this just happens when you have known someone a while and get comfortable with them. Like a spouse there is less to learn, less to share and the silences do get comfortable and it doesn’t have to mean the end. It can just mean a new beginning. Failing all else, just catch up less often so there is more time in between for things to happen that you can talk about!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is a "Girls Getaway" a Good Idea?

Here in Australia it is Australia Day. Although this has become a politically charged holiday, it is a holiday none the less. Yay for a long weekend. Did any of you go away for a girls trip? I didn’t but I have a friend who has recently been off galivanting around the world. For some of my readers Europe isn’t so far, but for us here in Australia it is a massive journey to even get there, not to mention the expense, making it the trip of a lifetime. Jealousy, being what it is, was trying to tell me that I wished I was travelling with my friend. But would that really be wise?

First of all, my friend did several walking tours and hiking trips. Neither of which sound remotely interesting nor relaxing enough to qualify as a holiday activity for me personally. She clearly enjoys such things. That alone would make us incompatible travelling companions. Not to mention my favourite holiday is a cruise, when she hates boats and gets sea sick on the local ferry. Again, that doesn’t bode well.

But even if you have much more in common with your friends than I do with mine when it comes to these things, there is a lot that can come into play on a holiday which could make for sore expectations and ruin trips if not friendships. So these things shouldn’t be rushed into lightly as fun as the girls getaway appeals to us all.

If one of you goes to bed early, while the other wants to go out drinking and mingle with the locals, neither will have the holiday they hoped for. If one has a very restrictive diet or health condition that limits their activities while the other is very adventurous, one may feel it was a wasted trip. If one likes to get up early and hit the street markets while the other refuses to rise until noon, both will be cranky.

And these are things you may not even know about your friend, because you haven’t lived together. Maybe you have never really seen them under pressure, but they make the situation much worse when they blow up over a flight cancellation and you feel embarrassed and upset by their outburst. Or perhaps there is more room for miscommunication, each thinking the other had booked a hotel or activity then missing out.

It could be that your friend talks loudly on the phone to her family at home when you are trying to relax, and you prefer to text your family. Or it could be that you expected to travel together, but do your own things using the hotel as a base to connect at the end of each day and your friend imagined you’d do everything together, and won’t leave you alone.

There are just so many unknowns when it comes to travelling with friends, that it has the potential to really ruin your trip and your friendship if you haven’t chosen wisely. But that’s not to say it can’t work, it just means these things need to be discussed in advance.

If I travelled with my friend, she knows me well enough to know I would not be interested in a hike, as well as I know her well enough to understand a glass bottom boat tour is off the itinerary for her. I know she talks loudly on the phone to her family already because she does it here, and I wouldn’t expect that to change. I know she would want some solo time, whereas she knows I would feel much more comfortable in the hotel if I am alone than out exploring solo. But because we know these things, we know enough to know that travelling together probably doesn’t suit our dynamic. I know she gets angry when stressed so the plane ride would be unpleasant and she knows I would probably spend most of it in the bathroom anyway.

If you are planning a trip with your friends, I think it is wise to ask about their morning routines, to ask how much time they envision together and apart, and what kinds of activities you can both agree on without feeling short changed. Each describe your hopes and expectations of how the trip will go, how you will handle any bumps along the road. Discuss what kinds of foods you like to eat and bed times. Discuss what types of accommodations you like to stay in and what your budgets are. Discuss if there is any must do’s on your list or must not do’s. And make a plan for how you will communicate frustrations, when you can’t get space. You are essentially stuck together if things go sour, and nobody wants that.

Even when you have discussed it all, you will find differences. Perhaps they thought you would be ok with sharing a bed and you expected and hoped for twin beds. Or they hog the covers, or you like the air conditioner going and they don’t. So as much as it was fun to post the above meme about travelling with my husband and kids, they are probably the best people to travel with. Because we already know all these things from living together.

But hey, who would say no to a girls getaway in Europe, the reward may be worth the risk! And after the first time, you will learn all these things about your friends anyway, and have more information to choose if you travel together again in the future! If you’re still friends that is! Proceed with caution and eyes wide open! Information is important! Get as much as you can! Then have fun with your friend, travelling or not!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fun Friendship February Post Social-less Summers!

A few years ago I wrote a post about my wonderful network of fellow mummy friends who came out to play in droves over the school holidays. It didn’t matter if they worked or not, as they typically had to take annual leave on school holidays to watch their children. Our summers were filled with indoor playcenters and roller-skating rinks, cafes with playgrounds and sleepovers galore. Amusement parks and fair grounds, science centers, mini golf and movies. We were at all the places all the time. It kept the kids happy and we helped keep each other sane.

I still appreciate the friendships with these women. We keep in touch to navigate school and social pressures, dramas and highs and lows, but now our children are older, they have all grown apart. They have their own friends, the mothers of whom we don’t always know, and many of them do work. Gone are the days when we needed to organize everything for them, they are capable of looking after themselves for the day and arranging their own social activities.

None of this is bad, in the scheme of things. Our children should be encouraged to grow as individuals, choose their own social network and explore their independence. But for us mums who are still at home, can I just say how much I miss those times. As messy, and expensive and exhausting as they often were, I didn’t realize how much I was getting out of these interactions too. These days my kids are online, or at work or out to lunch with their friends on the holidays, and actually, it is really quite lonely for me!

They are far too cool for mum now they are teenagers, and I totally understand that, while I also understand my mummy friends not wanting to waste their annual leave just to sit at home and be ignored by said teens unless they are hungry or need something washed! Both of which they could attend to themselves but some part of me feels grateful to be called on and needed at all! So while the time used to fly by in a blur of social activity, I find myself having to find ways to entertain myself on the holidays.

It is a new experience for me and a transition I am still adjusting to. I love being able to go do the shopping child free if I need to, or go and get my hair or nails done without fussing about babysitters. I love the money we are saving not going to all these expensive places every day. But I don’t love that I am not connected to anybody, and that all there seems to be to do is watch Netflix or clean the house. And there is only so much of that you can do!

It’s not as simple as just keeping my usual routine either, although in some instances this has definitely helped and even been rewarding. But people travel on school holidays, or places get overwhelmingly busy, and now I have a working child, I have to stay somewhat available to drive him to said place of employment at the drop of a hat. Being casual means not much notice is offered. And when they are home, they don’t want to watch movies with me or play Mario Party the way we did when they were young. They are not interested in board games or fun fairs, they want to be hanging out with their friends.

Sometimes that can mean I have a house full of teenagers. Gaming boys and giggling girls, but when this happens I don’t like to leave them on their own, unless their parents are comfortable with that. Many are not which is why they still end up at my place to begin with. Which is ok, it keeps me busy with more dishes to wash, snacks to prepare, bedding to wash and meals to make. But still, with a house full of people I have nobody to talk to!

Thankfully I do have my online friends to chat with and keep me sane, and it does give me time to prepare for the onslaught of birthdays of almost everyone I know between January and April! So I pre write birthday cards ready to go in advance, and purchase and wrap gifts, prepare my GALentines roses and cards, press on with house cleaning, laundry and dishes, paying the bills and working on the budget. It’s not really boredom, just a sense that I cease to exist to the outside world for a month and a half, that still has me gasping for breath at the end of it all. I thought I wouldn’t feel that way now that the kids are older, but here we are.

The point of my post isn’t to complain that everyone forgets about me in the holidays, but to remind you all to check on your mummy friends during the holidays. If you can squeeze in a lunch or a dinner, or a cocktail or a coffee, please do invite us! We need someone to talk to who doesn’t speak fluently in mumble or terms we do not understand. We need to laugh and have fun and leave the house! Even if all you can do is call. Call! We need conversation, information about what has been going on in the outside world while we were trapped in captivity!

To the mothers out there who relate to this post, I feel you! May the force be with you. Here in Australia it is our long summer holidays and we are almost half way through them now! Stay strong sisters! We got this! And we must make up for this lull by insisting on a Fun Friendship February! Who is with me?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Every stage of parenting is a challenge in some way or another. Check on your mummy friends with kids of any ages or stages!

Warm but not welcoming

I have a friend who is actively looking to increase her social circle, which she noted had become quite small somehow over the years. She put this down to some turbulence in her somewhat recent past, however now that is passed and her life is more stable and settled, she is ready to rebuild and renew herself.

Regardless of their reasons, I encourage people to be more mindful and aware and active in their pursuit of friendships, to take stock of past patterns and influences in your life and to aim to be better. To be more open and to invite more people into your world, in gentle, warm and welcoming ways.

Typically all it takes is a bit of effort to reach out and show interest, and then the other party has the option to reciprocate or politely decline. However, what my friend is finding, in her experiences of reaching out to people in a bid for friendly conversation is that the response is neither positive, nor negative. Instead it sits in warm, neutral territory, which is somewhat confusing.

Naturally, friendships evolve. I don’t think you can just start messaging someone on social media and immediately think you have found a friend. On the other hand, you can usually tell if that interest in connecting and conversing is mutual, and most people who are disinterested may just leave you on read and not respond at all, but it can be harder to read responses that are warm, but not welcoming.

What I mean by this, is that the person in question may answer your message, addressing the points you raised, but not leave much room for you to respond in turn. They might thank you for the compliment you offered as a gateway into conversation and mention the happenings at your mutual workplace or church or place of study, but not ask you any follow up questions or introduce new topics of conversation for you to continue on with.

My friend had reached out to someone in her church community, someone on the same volunteer roster as her. This person had really performed well in the task and was a Facebook friend of my friend, however they hadn’t really ever actually talked in person. My friend saw this as a person with potential common interests, values and beliefs and someone with whom a connection may authentically grow if she planted the seed.

As they had never spoken in person before, she decided to message this person first, as it felt less confrontational and intrusive, and because my friend does suffer from anxiety sometimes, online is the way she feels more comfortable connecting first. Before her and I met, she asked for an email correspondence from me, to get a feel for our connection. It is just how she is. Must be that inner writer in her.

Anyway, my friend messaged to say she had been impressed with this person’s performance recently, and apologized that they had never got the chance to interact in person yet, with them both always being busy with their respective duties, but she wanted to reach out and let this person know they have not gone unnoticed nor unappreciated within the team. She then offered a personal tidbit about a hobby/side hustle of hers, in the hopes that the other person would take the social cue and follow up with a question about said hobby. She signed off to have a good week and she would see them at church again soon.

The person read and responded to the message in a timely manner and agreed that things get so hectic during volunteering that nobody has much time for general chit chat and thanked my friend for taking the time to reach out. She said she appreciated the words of encouragement and it was nice to know people were paying attention. And she signed off telling my friend to also have a good week. So my friend was left questioning if she should bother approaching this person or if the lack of questions or further space for conversation was a polite rejection. She wondered if she should have mentioned any of the interests of the person that she has seen on social media, or if that would seem nosey or intrusive, given that the information had never been offered to her directly from the other churchgoer.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if this is the pitfall of messaging and online communication. It seems unlikely to me that had my friend approached this other member in person and said the exact things that she messaged about, the person in question would not have commented on her interesting hobby. And if she had, that opens up more avenues of sharing and opportunities for connection. But in an online world, people don’t feel as awkward about skipping over things and don’t necessarily put in the effort.

I told my friend it is possible this person isn’t really interested in a connection, however not to give up just yet. To be brave, introduce yourself in person now that you have conversed online and ask an open-ended question, that is still not too invasive or forceful, such as asking how long they have been a member at said church.

Sometimes it is just easier to tell in person how interested someone is or isn’t, as you can read body language and hear tone of voice and facial expressions. But then again, due to social conventions, maybe in person they are forced to be more polite. So my theory is once you have reached out online, then tried again in person, continue to be friendly to the prospective new friend, but not pushy. Be cordial and say hello on passing etc…, but let them make the next move. Give them the space to approach you and reciprocate the effort. If they do not, you have your answer.

And that’s ok! It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like you if they don’t appear to be interested in connecting with you further on a more personal level, they might not have time in their lives for new friends, might be going through something or just don’t think you have enough in common to sustain a connection. You don’t need to know the reasons why or fixate on it. But what should you do instead?

Keep on being warm and friendly and welcoming to others and see who is reciprocating! Grow small talk slowly and don’t overshare, don’t pressure people or come across as desperate, as this will only make them suspicious of your intentions. Give people 2 or 3 chances to reciprocate incase they are shy or were uncertain about your own desires for connection, and if they don’t take the bait, politely move on.

Before you know it, your welcome mat will be dirty from all the new comers, but it does take time and patience. Practice makes perfect….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Years Friesolutions!

Welcome to 2024 readers! Thanks for sticking with me! In true new years style, I wanted to make 10 new years friesolutions to be a better friend this year. Who is with me? Friesolutions are just like normal resolutions but they revolve around our friends and the ways we relate to them on a day to day basis.

1.      Active listening

I wanted to start with active listening because I have to admit that I caught myself a few times last year waiting for an opening to speak, thinking about speaking instead of really listening to what my friends were sharing with me. I noticed a few occasions where I had forgotten an important appointment or celebration in their lives and once reminded I felt terrible about having not remembered to follow up on this detail and leaving people I care about feeling uncared for.

2.      Staying Present

This one is an obvious follow on from the last, because with technology like the smart watch, it is so hard to stay present with people and not get distracted by the notifications constantly pinging away at my wrist. At times these completely draw my mental energy away from the person I am with and I tune out and lose track of conversations that have been at times meaningful or important and my lack of attention makes us both lose momentum and it becomes a missed opportunity for connection.

3.      Don’t Take Things Personally

This has been one I have struggled with, despite it basically being the whole point of the blog. People get busy. They read your message and then forget to reply sometimes. People have other responsibilities and other demands on their time and their mind, and it isn’t realistic to expect to always be a priority for everyone. People have other relationships and as a good friend we should support and allow room for these other relationships to grow and flourish with our friend just as our own did.

4.      Be Patient and Forgiving

This one comes after not taking things personally, because sometimes things are personal and we do get hurt. There are only so many unanswered messages a person can send before feeling rejected, or sometimes our friends do let us down more directly. So it is important to keep in mind your own imperfections and show your friends some grace when they mess up. If you would hope they would show you patience and understanding when you mess up and accidentally let them down, you have to be willing to do the same for your friend in return. Which brings us nicely to our next point.

5.      Maintain Positive Regard

Sometimes after you feel rejected or hurt in some way, it changes the way you see that person. In extreme cases it can have you rewriting your entire narrative of the friendship in the past and questioning if that person was ever really your friend to begin with. This can happen when we lose positive regard for someone, and fail to remember that their intentions probably weren’t to hurt us, even if they clearly acted in ways that would. You have to be willing to look at the bigger picture, and see if you can understand what they were going through and what their motivations may have been to act in less than positive ways, even if they clearly weren’t thinking of how the consequences of their actions would impact you. It doesn’t always mean they didn’t care about you even if it meant they cared about something else more. Humans are selfish by nature sometimes.

6.      Spend More Time Talking.

In a digital world, I feel the amount of in person quality time spent with my friends has decreased, and sometimes it is easy not to notice, because you have seen their updates on social media, or you have sent a few messages here and there. But there is nothing like seeing your people in the flesh and doing something fun together. Really looking into their eyes and talking about life and the things that matter, hugging and actually making time for them. But when you can’t always do that, talk on the phone! I know that sounds crazy to most of us these days who get anxiety when the phone rings and would rather text. But talking on the phone keeps you connected in ways messaging can’t, unless you both have time for long time consuming message chats. Many do not have the luxury of time. Plus, things like tone and laughter are lost over messages.

7.      Match Their Investment.

If someone doesn’t seem all that interested in making a connection with you, that doesn’t have to be a problem or a mystery to be solved. It is ok to keep things casual and let them evolve, or not evolve into something deeper. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who seems less than interested in being your friend, and you don’t have to dislike them as a result. It  is ok to be polite to people, and allow them the freedom to form their own opinions and judgements of you. Chasing people who aren’t all that interested will only make you both feel worse.

8.      Swim With The Current, Not Against It. Resistance Is Futile!

This is one of my biggest struggles with friendships. People flow into your life and the connection is wonderful and secure and close, and you can easily get attached and never want it to change. But inevitably your life, or theirs, will likely at some point deviate and create distance between you. Holding on is futile and a waste of energy. You have to learn to allow them space to go on their own path, no mater how far from yours it takes them. It doesn’t mean you wont or can’t still be close, you can, as long as you find ways to accept the changes and get around them instead of sulking that things aren’t the same. Which I am prone to if I’m being honest. Lol

9.      Be More Authentic and Vulnerable.

Some of my closest friends and I love to laugh. And this is a way to get close to people I haven’t always seen the value in, in my past. However, I have noticed a tendency in these friendships in particular to laugh off things that aren’t necessarily funny because it feels a bit scary to say if something has upset you or you have something more serious to share. I have friends who prefer to be strong and stoic and perhaps see crying for example as a weakness. I have friends who feel safer connecting on negatives than positives. And sometimes it doesn’t feel authentic when I agree with them for the sake of being accepted, when in reality I know they accept me as I am. Or maybe they would if I was actually being who I am instead of being who I think they want me to be.

10.  Know Yourself So Others Can Know You.

Perhaps sometimes we aren’t completely authentic because we don’t know ourselves well enough. So we might not know how we feel about the latest election campaign for example and end up kind of adopting our friends views and going along with them even if it feels a little uncomfortable. Or we might always do whatever they want to do, because we actually don’t know what it is we’d like to do, even if there is resentment building that everything is on their terms or a niggling feeling that you don’t actually really always enjoy doing the things they like to do. It is ok to take up space, make requests for time or activities that you enjoy. But you have to know what your needs are, in order to have them met.

These are my 10 new years friesolutions, do you have any to add? Whatever your resolutions are, or even if you don’t have any, I hope 2024 is your best year yet. Happy New Year Folks! Welcome to infinity and beyond! Can’t wait to see what the year has in store for us all!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx