Catching Up at Christmas.... with who?

I love Christmas. I love the trees and lights and decorations and cheesy movies. The gifts, the shopping, the wrapping, the music and even all the preparing. It’s just such a happy time of year.  The drinks are flowing, the food is rich and indulgent and friends and family celebrate together from near and far….

Or do they? While the aforementioned cheesy movies do indeed paint us a picture of large gatherings including all our friends and family, perhaps that is why I like them? They are selling me a dream of how Xmas should be in a perfect world. Alas, in my experience it is far from the world we live in.

Take my Christmas day for example. In August my mother in law asked me to bring my parents over to their house for Christmas day lunch. The kids could swim (it is summer here, remember) and the adults could supervise from the airconditioned padio extension while chatting, eating and drinking. Sounds good, and when we did it last year, it was good. However, last year my brother was away for Christmas day and this year he isn’t.  Well, my mother in law doesn’t like large gatherings, so although my parents were invited to the gathering, my brother, his wife and children, and possibly her extended family, were not included. Not to mention my uncle who is visiting for the holidays from the UK. So I asked my own mother what her plans were, and she informed me we were all going to my brother’s place this year for lunch.

Are you keeping up? So I confirmed the plans with my brother, then I had to ask mother in law if we could do a dinner with them instead, as we would be having lunch with my brother this year. Nope. My mother in law specifically wants to do a lunch. Ok, we agree that Boxing day lunch with them will suffice, and she says she will book them in for a fancy restaurant for lunch on Christmas day instead. (They will be alone on Christmas day now, because my husband is their only living child) Except then my brother calls in November, to say his own mother in law has refused to travel to them for Christmas lunch and is insisting that my brother and his family travel to them for lunch that day. As it is quite a drive to where they live and he doesn’t want to rush back up in the heat, can we do Boxing day with them he asks? Sigh. No, I tell him that wont be possible as I just promised my mother in law Boxing day lunch.

So my mother is now hosting a dinner at her house. This is nice, as it will be the last time we all gather for Xmas in my childhood home before the new chapter in my parent’s life begins. My mother in law will be invited but is unlikely to attend. My husband is pleased with this arrangement as he hates rushing around from place to place on Christmas day and not getting the chance to relax and have the kids enjoy their gifts. If we open gifts in the morning as a family and then they play and he relaxes while I clear everything away (the same things I planned, bought, wrapped, set out, counted etc…) then we will be ready to go to mums…..

Except, then my husband’s roster changed and now he is meant to be working on Boxing day….. So yeah, I’m annoyed!!! The visions of everyone coming together are fantasies for a reason. It has to end somewhere and it just isn’t practical. And we have a relatively small family. For split families and people with huge extended families it must be a logistical nightmare!!!

And that is just family. What about friends? While I do what I can to check in with my friends on Christmas day, there just really isn’t time to include them. One of my friends hosts a brunch for her other single friends, and I simply love this idea, but for those of us with partners and kids etc…. it simply isn’t practical.

Someone wrote in asking me to touch on this topic specifically, this isn’t just a venting session. Haha While the movies see us making more time for our friends at this time of year, in reality it seems we use this time of year for family, extended family, obligations, and catch up’s with people from far and wide. Those out of town/state/country friends and family rather than the people we turn to for support in our daily lives.

Think of that person you always call on in an emergency, or the one who babysits for you, or the one who’s always giving you favours and advice throughout the year? The movies would have us believe that these are the people we celebrate with, the people we fuss over and can’t wait to spoil. In reality it seems these are the people we actually forget in favour of everyone else who isn’t there for us, whether it’s because they can’t be or not.  I have to admit when you think about it, it does leave a sour taste in your mouth.

So what can we do about it? Why don’t we try to make Friendship Xmas celebration? Like Festive Fifteenth – Friends only!! Make it just like xmas day, plan it early so everyone can make allowances and commit to it. Invite all the people you are close to everyday, not just the ones you are close to at Christmas? And if you are feeling a bit sour, then I’m talking to you. Plan something yourself.

Have understanding that your friends Christmas is probably 100 times more hectic and complicated than my own, and it is a time of year we use as an excuse to catch up with the people we never really get to see. This is not a bad thing, but it does suck that it comes at the expense of the everyday people who may feel excluded or forgotten or unimportant when it boils down to it.

At the end of the day, if you’re feeling excluded on Christmas day and you want to celebrate with people the onus is on you to reach out instead of sitting back and feeling sad that nobody invited you?! Maybe all your friends feel the same way? One way to find out?

Whatever your plans are and whomever they are with, I wish you all a happy, safe and stress free holidays! Ok that last one is definitely fantasy! Lol

Cheers. I’ll drink to that!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Festive Friendship Festivities

As this magical time of year rolls around again, it is time to start thinking of ideas for our friends. Sometimes friends can be the hardest to think of ideas for. We want to give them something meaningful and thoughtful, but let’s be honest, you also probably don’t have much cash to splash at the same time.

Luckily friendships is free, and if it is a labour of love, your gifts can be too. Or cheap, anyway! Lol

I’ve written a post about this before, and if you’re looking for the picture perfect gift, you want this post “5 meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season”. To make sure your friends aren’t having a crappy Christmas, check out “Friendship is a gift of giving.” For a tip on gift giving in general read “The art of gift giving – one simple tip.”

This year I want to focus on gift certificates, and relate them back to your friends love language.  I know that gift certificates are not synonymous with thoughtful gift giving, so stay with me. I am not talking about any gift vouchers you can buy at the shops. I am talking about the kind you make yourself.

First off, think about your friends love languages. (This book written by Gary Chapman.) The 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation (compliments and uplifting words and terms like proud, beautiful, amazing)
Acts of Service (cooking them a meal, babysitting, helping set up for a party)
Receiving gifts (thoughtful meaningful gifts that show you listen and you care)
Quality Time (spending uninterrupted time together in which you are present and not distracted.)
Physical Touch (feeling connected by skin to skin contact, hugs, holding hands, high fives, hair stroking.)

After you have decided what you think resonates with your friend, think about how many times a year you currently see them. Are you satisfied with the quantity of time? Are they? How about the quality? Say for example you currently see your friends 4 times a year, once every 3 months, but you would like (or you think they would like) to see each other a bit more, you could aim for 6 gift certificates and make it once every 2 months?

If I only had the power, this would be the one gift to give!

Once you know how many certificates you want to make, you can choose from the following ideas depending on her languages and her circumstances, print them off, stick them to card and decorate! Alternatively you could buy a diary or calendar and pencil your ideas in there. (Make sure you take notes in your own calendar about what you proposed and when! If you aren’t sure which love language best describes your friend, then I suggest a mixture of them all.

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Words of Affirmation.
❤Gift certificate for a secret letter you have written that will be given at a time when your friend is having a hard time or feeling down. Maybe include a picture of the sealed envelope so they know you have already written the letter.
❤Gift certificate for a treasure hunt in which the clues also contain compliments
❤Gift certificate for a speech by you at their next big celebration
❤Gift certificate for a video you made where you talk about how amazing they are and how much you value their friendship

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Acts of Service”
❤Gift certificate for a home cooked meal by you
❤Gift certificate for babysitting/being the designated driver
❤Gift certificate for feeding the pets when they are away
❤Gift Certificate for “one free favour of your choice.”

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Receiving Gifts”
❤Gift Certificate for “that cute pair of earrings you saw last month”
❤Gift Certificate for a shopping trip with me where you can spend $x (on me)
❤Gift Certificate for one emergency tub of your favourite ice-cream after a bad day. Delivered!
❤Gift Certificate for the gift that keeps on giving (one small surprise gift each month for a year)
NOTE: As this person loves receiving gifts, I recommend vouchers individually wrapped, perhaps with other token gifts like their favourite sweet treat, a bottle of wine and a photo of you both in a frame.)

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Quality Time”
❤Gift Certificate for a movie night at their place where you bring the snacks
❤Gift Certificate for a hike and a picnic (depending on their interests)
❤Gift Certificate for a board game night together – phone free
❤Gift Certificate for a whole day/date together doing something you both love (comedy, theatre, movies, day spa’s, shopping, skating, driving, visiting art galleries, knitting – whatever it is you both enjoy.)

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Physical Touch” - a little more challenging when it comes to platonic relationships - but not impossible.
❤Gift Certificate for a long hug after a hard day no questions asked.
❤Gift Certificate for a pamper session where you do their hair/nails/facial
❤Gift Certificate for a massage (either from you or a professional.)
❤Gift Certificate for a back/head tickling session for 15 minutes.

None of these ideas have to cost the world, they all make reasons for you to spend time together and each of them are thoughtful and personal and appeal specifically to your friend. Certificates are easily downloadable at websites such as this one. https://www.123certificates.com/gift.php You don’t have to use my idea’s – be as personal and creative as you wish. Your friend will love it – and you!

Don’t forget to share your ideas too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fatal Attraction – Friendship Flings

Have you ever found that sometimes the people you feel drawn to the most are the ones who ultimately end up leaving you scarred? I have definitely noticed a pattern in my friendship flings, whereby they start suddenly and burn brightly. On reflection that should be the first warning sign that a friendship is going to be a fling, but as always I am drawn like a moth to the flame. Although it is fast and furious, I can’t deny that this instant connection, chemistry if you will, feels good.

These people often make me laugh the hardest and the loudest. We enjoy the exciting and the mundane together and we instantly feel like we are old friends despite having just met! Red flag, I know! In my defense, rose coloured glasses make it hard to see those, ok?! Lol To be fair to the others, I know they also leave burned by the experience. I am not a victim to this, I actively participate in these flings!

They are exciting and exclusive. Either because we have connected about something that not many people experience or understand, or because there is some other secret, drama or sense of false intimacy. Sometimes it is just exciting because they are excited about you. Not too many people my age prioritize friendship or get excited about it. Not very many at all are in similar circumstances. Most people honestly seem to find me dull, so when I meet someone who likes me, seeks my time and attention on a regular basis, I am easily swayed. Maybe they are too?

https://issuu.com/renmagazine/docs/the_breakup_collection/6

Sometimes this leads us to stay for the things we feel the person offers or represents, rather than who we are as people. I am good at seeing people, making them feel heard and understood. So people who feel overlooked are often drawn to that. I live a happy but not particularly interesting life, and perhaps that means I am drawn to drama. We are attracted to each other for unhealthy reasons, and become easily addicted and quickly bad for one another.

I have had friends who liked what I offer more than who I am. Friends who like the idea that I don’t work because I could be useful in helping them with errands, children, pets, organising things and generally offering other acts of service. (Note this is not a love language of mine, and I am not good at it.) Obviously that situation sours quickly as they feel I promise the world. Truth is I promised nothing and in the end that is probably exactly what I delivered! Lol Some friends have liked the idea of me, that I’d be available whenever they were and again found themselves disheartened that I couldn’t lend myself to their schedule to plug the holes in their lives. Others thought I must have money and were keen to cash in for the ride. We are hardly rich and anyway, I am pretty frugal!

That’s not to say I didn’t have my motives. Never having been a cool kid, sometimes I am drawn to the dark and dangerous. The outgoing smart and cool. Everything I think I am not. A behind the scenes look into a club I have been denied access? Living vicariously through my single friends, and comparing with my coupled ones? I have also been disappointed at what was failed to be delivered, lack of time or effort or whatever it was that I expected that wasn’t forthcoming? Adoration perhaps? My ego is bigger than I care to admit.

A part of me perhaps always looks to find the diamond in the rough. Invests in potential, and continues throwing good money after bad instead of cutting my losses. I suspect we both do this. Because these flings, they do have potential. The ingredients are there if we would just let them settle and simmer. It burns out because in our excitement we turn the heat up too high and forget that the tortoise always wins the race.

Interestingly, I think I can tell which friendships are NOT flings although I struggle to identify the ones that are. They still have the level of interest and effort, but at a much slower and less intense pace. It’s not that I like these people less (perhaps they do like me less though) it’s just that our chemistry doesn’t insist on speed.

To be honest I like friendship flings. I don’t like when they end, and they always do end, but I suspect although I now know what to call them and how to recognise them, I will still engage in them. They are fun. They are for a good time not a long time. They are not bad people even if they are bad for me. Maybe next time I can try a medium heat instead of a simmer, and maybe try to increase the heat a tiny bit on my other connections too. 

To all my friendship flings, I’m sorry we were bad for each other, but I’m glad we met. You shaped part of me and showed me things I wouldn’t have seen without you. It was fun while it lasted! I hope you found some long time friends too! Sorry I wasn’t one of them.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Interests or intimacy?

This week I wanted to explore the ways in which we spend our time and how this might be impacting our friendships. I’m the first to admit that I tend to stick to certain things when it comes to entertainment or just how I like to spend my time in general. I love the cinema for example, however I’m not usually interested in seeing the latest action film. I enjoy a game of mini golf, but usually wont bother if it means driving into the city, which is outside of my comfort zone.  I am not particularly outdoorsy either, so things like the beach or hiking don’t appeal to me.

As much as I try to be a “yes man” (or woman as the case may be) I’m unlikely to accept an invitation to go fishing no matter how much the friend making the invitation means to me. While I actually don’t think I know anyone who is particularly interested in fishing, there have been instances where I have turned down invitations that didn’t interest me particularly, in favour of being alone and doing nothing at all. Sometimes this is ok, as it is exactly what I wanted and needed to do for myself. However other times, I see the posts afterwards on social media and think “maybe I should have gone.”

That said, there have definitely been other occasions when I went to something I knew I wouldn’t enjoy, and then set a precedent and felt obliged to keep on showing up. I have for example agreed to help a friend set up her home. Thinking it would be a day activity, and we could make it fun, I happily agreed. However it somehow became our weekly project, and it wasn’t one I was thrilled about. I stopped enjoying our time together and started avoiding it. To be fair I’m not sure my friend found it particularly enjoyable either, I suppose she just wanted the company, but it wasn’t how I was interested in spending my time and she was not interested in doing anything else either. This is an example of a time when I appear to have chosen interests over intimacy.

As with most examples, there are also plenty of things I have attended with friends that did not particularly interest me, such as festivals, theme parks (I’m not particularly adventurous) home parties and expos. If my friend is particularly keen to go to these types of things, I will usually agree to go along with a little encouragement, and try to keep an open mind. I can also recall times when my friends have attended things that were much more to my tastes than their own. Friendship has to be a bit give and take like that. It doesn’t kill me to see the latest thriller movie, although it wouldn’t be my first choice, so sometimes I will go along for the sake of spending time with my friend.

Usually I will see an event that might interest me or my friend. If I think it might be ok, I will suggest it as an activity we could do together. It doesn’t matter if I’m less keen than she is, I will suggest it as a means to spend time together regardless. This tends to be a pretty good compromise…But what if I happen to make friends with someone who is only interested in fishing and camping and hiking for example, where do I draw the line? Can I share intimacy with someone if we don’t have any common interests? I mean, obviously I can because connection comes most often from sharing thoughts and feelings, but is it sustainable without any enjoyable means to spend time together?

I have to admit that the reason I sometimes say no, is because I have kinda already decided I wont enjoy myself. In these scenarios I find it is best to explore new things with new people. I also find, if you look hard enough you have something in common with most people. Both love ice cream? Trial all the parlours in your area. Both love crime shows? Start watching a series together. Or talk about things you have both never tried. Look for obscure things that might be fun; like circus lessons or cooking classes. Sometimes new people bring out new sides of you and that includes new interests.

Next time someone invites you to do something you think doesn’t interest you, ask yourself if interests or intimacy are more important to you. Think of the things they like that you don’t hate and start there. Make occasional concessions to do things you might not love just to show your friend that you are interested in spending time together and offer suggestions on things you would also like to try sometime.

Sure, you could always grab a drink or a meal, and I recommend that you do sometimes, but friendships that are all talk or all play don’t seem to be as rewarding or as lasting than those that have more balance because you enjoy things together as well as just enjoying each other. You definitely don’t want to end up in a situation where you dread spending time with someone because of the activity and not because of them.

That said, if you have a friend who will not step outside of their own interests, and you cannot find a way to show interest in those things, perhaps you are just not compatible as close friends. That sucks, but it is ok. We can’t be friends with everyone. What it boils down to is that it doesn’t have to be interests versus intimacy. Hopefully one will help build the other. If you always choose interests you may be lonely and if you always choose intimacy you may be bored. Try and foster both even when it takes a little more effort than usual. It should be worth it and who knows, you might have fun along the way in unexpected ways!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Who is steering the friend ship?

If friendship is a ship, then who is the captain? When things begin, I picture a serene scene, the popular children’s melody row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream” comes to mind! The friendship is a lovely row boat and both parties easily and happily row along. Each person puts in equal effort, you both know the rhythm, and the direction is clear. The skies are clear and you are totally in sync.

No one person is necessarily steering the vessel. You are a team. When one of you needs to rest, the other takes the oars, then you may swap for a while before you come back in tandem. You energise each other, discuss the navigation plan and reassure one another that you know how to go the distance. If there are any waves along the way, you hold onto each other and enjoy the ride.

As a big fan of the show Air Crash Investigation, also known as MAYDAY in the USA, I know that in the cockpit the pilot and the co-pilot are a team. Although technically the pilot pulls rank, both pilots share responsibilities and are both capable and qualified to fly the plane. It isn’t until they find themselves in stormy weather, literally and metaphorically that the rank and responsibilities really matter. The pilot is ultimately in control, and can say “I have control.” This means the pilot has removed the co-pilot from the controls and is flying solo. The pilot is making the decisions and is the only one directing the aircraft. Whatever the outcome, the accountability stops with the pilot. Sure, the co-pilot still offers suggestions and helps monitor the conditions, but ultimately the pilot can override them!

There is no such structure in place when it comes to the friendship vessel. So when the dark clouds start rolling in over the sunshine, and the stream seems to become a deep dark ocean, it can feel completely overwhelming to navigate. Anyone who has ever experienced a fri-ENDING can probably relate. As is evident by my wording, there isn’t really a friendship equivalent of breaking up terminology. How can we begin to discuss things when there isn’t even words to describe the experience?

In my experiences, when the seas get rough both people in the friendship vessel attempt to take control. Both believe that they know the way out of the storm, that if the other person would just give up control and go along with their plan that the friendSHIP wont sink! Unfortunately, with the lack of terminology comes a lack of communication and a lack of trust. Neither party wants to sit back and follow the plan of the other person. One person may feel it is best to take some space, to stop rowing. Float out to sea, wait until the storm passes and navigate a new plan from there. The other person might think that is a terrible plan. The shore is just out of reach, but if they fight, if they row hard enough, they can make it to dry land.  We all know if only one person is rowing you’ll simply go around in circles until you eventually start taking on water.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to give up, take space and float out to sea, but my friend convinced me to fight. While I can’t say we made it to where she hoped we would, and we did take on water, we didn’t sink, we swam! Our friendship is still close, although I think we swam to a deserted island. We have learned how to survive there but in order to thrive we’d need to get back in the boat and start rowing again. At this point we have decided to rest and make the most of our time here.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to take space. To stop rowing, to float and conserve energy for the long journey that would lie ahead if we ever recovered. My friend didn’t disagree. She crafted her own boat from supplies and abandoned ship. We floated in our separate directions for a few years. Ironically, despite going our opposite directions, we ended up in the same place again, and decided we should join forces once again and row back to shore. It was a long journey, but we did eventually make it back to the stream in which we started.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to call it quits, and my friend wanted to fight. She was rowing us so hard in circles she was making a whirlpool and we were both going to get sucked in. I didn’t have the desire or the energy to fight, so we got sucked under the current and drowned.

All of those situations I wanted to stop rowing. That has been the most effective strategy for me thus far, however that’s not to say there haven’t been times when I wanted to fight and they wanted to push me overboard! Those situations didn’t work out any differently to the ones above where we weren’t on the same page and couldn’t agree on a strategy.

The most challenging situation so far was when we both agreed we needed to stop, wait and float, but somehow we couldn’t get in sync again. Our ideas of the pace were different, I wanted to completely stop rowing and float, but she wanted to row, in small imperceptible movements, to conserve energy but still attempt some form of directional control. While I thought we were on the same navigational page, it turns out, we were not. I had become a dead weight and after a while she could no longer pull us both. She had to get back to safety at all costs and that meant she had to push me overboard.

Luckily I can swim! Lol Seriously though this experience has taught me that taking space and floating, or rowing against the current is only effective if you are both doing the same thing. In future I will have to make more effort to fight, to mirror my friends when they are fighting, to match their pace. I will have to surrender control and become the co-pilot. Ultimately I cannot control the outcomes either way, unless I know I want to let us sink. I don’t want to be a dead weight anymore, because that deserted island is better than drowning if I can make it there. And if we drown then at least we drowned trying!

Do you think you can surrender control of your friendSHIPS?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fight or Flight…. Or Freeze? Defrosting your Frozen Friend!

“The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon. – Wikepedia.”

Although the fight or flight response relates back to human survival, it does not appear to stop there. I have experienced it many times in my life, and at no real point was my survival in question. I remember being told as a child to fight my attacker, should there ever be cause to do so, to target the eyes and run.

Yet I also remember vivid nightmares about the subject, where I was running in slow motion. I remember the time the neighbours big black Great Dane who escaped and eyed me, with what I remember as red eyes in the alleyway by my house. Perhaps that was an overactive imagination about the eyes, but I did not run away despite the fact that I was indeed frightened.

Why, I wondered did I not seem to experience fight or flight the way other people did? I mean I wanted to choose flight. If I had the courage I’d be a flighter for sure! Lol But yet I always seemed frozen. To the point that if I saw a “suspicious looking” car drive by when I was in my front garden, I would pretend to be a statue. I’m sure it was very convincing! That seemed to be my only reaction.

In exploring my tendency to withdraw at conflict in friendships later in life – I can see that I am still suffering with the same affliction! It seems I am not alone. In researching it a little further, it turns out the reason I feel  frozen, is because I literally am! There is a third component to the fight or flight reaction, according to this website (http://sanctuaryweb.com/TheSanctuaryModel/THESANCTUARYMODELFOURPILLARS/Pillar1SharedKnowledge/PEOPLEUNDERSTRESS/PsychobiologyofTrauma/Fight-Flight-Freeze.aspx) and it is Freeze.

According to research it shows if the person feeling threatened sees no chance of survival no matter if they fight or run, then the prolonged threat causes the chemicals to build up and slow the heart rate. We freeze in fear. It is said to sometimes “simulate death, so a predator loses interest.”

As this is not a science blog, but a friendship one, I wanted to relate this back to my own experiences with conflict in friendship. I have noticed a tendency on my part to form friendships with assertive, confident individuals. These people have directly told me of my shortcomings as a friend. If a joke I made upset them, or they didn’t like the way I spoke to them, or I let them down in some way. Although I am quick to apologise to these people, it causes me to become afraid of them after that. Although they did not walk away from me, I perceive it as a threat.

This will cause a withdrawn response from me, whereby I feel frozen. I want to keep the person in my life, however I am aware that I am upsetting them in some way and do not want to repeat the experience. This tension builds up over time. Eventually, as can be expected in all friendships the other party will do something to upset me too. Except I will be unable to directly express it the ways they did. I will feel that if I bring it up, they will get mad at me for being angry at them, and they will be defensive, and not apologetic. (This may or may not be fair, it is just how I feel.) Basically, because I already felt they were on the verge of rejecting me, I think that this will be the end. As a result that fight or flight kicks in. I don’t want to fight. It isn’t my natural inclination. I also don’t want to flight. I like the person although they have upset me. This leaves me with nowhere to go doesn’t it. As I feel death of the friendship is the only imminent result, I totally freeze.

I would rather walk away and admit defeat than have an ugly confrontation where the other person rejects me. In doing this though, my friends who have a stronger fight reflex feel I didn’t care enough to fight. Yet it wasn’t that at all. I felt totally incapable – frozen in fear. Even if my friend’s own response is flight not fight, I will do nothing to prevent her leaving. Perhaps this is why I have a tendency to play dead until the other party “Loses interest.”

I intend to bring this up with my psychologist and work on it. However that wont be an easy overnight fix. I can speculate that bullying from an early age was at least partly responsible for this distrust of my peers. Especially so in female bullying, which is more relational. People pretend to be your friend so they can learn your secrets and weaknesses and use them against you! My only defense has been a strong poker face and denying them the satisfaction of knowing that they got to me.

Having a history of broken friendships that started at a young but impressionable age (for varying reasons (– one was older than me and went off to high school and lost interest in a friendship with a “kid.” A few moved away. Others wanted more adventurous friends, prepared to smoke and drink. A few fought with me over goodness knows what. The rest were socially influenced because I was far from the cool kid.) I can understand where this fear comes from, and that each time a friendship fails I am reopening old wounds, and reconfirming that friendships are both fragile and fickle, and in reality not made for me.

If you have a friend who appears to be frozen, my best advice to you is try to defrost her with warmth and caring and reassurance of your friendship. Not fire! Hopefully in time, she too will seek guidance on relating in healthier ways in the future.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

8 Mates - How they Rate and Relate!

What is your friendship style?

As I have had so many friends come and go throughout my life, I have noticed certain styles of friendship. Which one are you? I know I am different styles to different people, however I also observe that some of my friends have had a consistent style with everyone.

Intimate and intense.
These friends get to know you quickly. You might be amazed at how quickly you are revealing your inner self to them. Are you too close for comfort?! Something about them feels warm and comfortable. You feel safe yet vulnerable all at once. Interestingly, they themselves can be slower to open up, but each time they show you a little more you feel rewarded and intrigued. This type of friend is genuinely interested and invested in the more personal details of your life, although they can be strangely disconnected and aloof when it comes to the more mundane matters. You could spend hours just talking with this friend. She energises you. At first anyway. After a while her continued need for intimacy can become too intense and draining. You might find her a bit needy, and suffocating too because she likes to spend a lot of time together. She tends to only have one main friend at a time because she doesn’t trust people not to leave. No pressure! HA!

The Social Joiner.
This friend prefers to see everyone together. If there is a party it is usually hers, and she loves to include everyone. She will happily flit between her work friends and her mum friends and her school friends, speaking to everyone, yet at the same time speaking to nobody. This friend is usually always fun, the life of the party. Smiling and laughing you really like her, but can’t ever seem to catch her alone. She’s not particularly reliable, because a better offer is never far away. Somehow you are good friends, however you don’t know much about her. She probably doesn’t know too much about you either, yet somehow it works. You will be lonely though if she is your only friend. She tends to be a bit of a gossip too. Although she doesn’t know the full story on everyone, she knows enough about everyone to share! This can work to your advantage though because if she knows your secret passion for shoe shopping and someone else who is a manager of a shoe store who could give you a discount she will be the first to introduce you and is happy when 2 people she introduces connect (even without her continued involvement.) There is more to this friend, and if you can get her alone, her inner intimate and intense side will be revealed if you gain her trust. Once that happens, she’s a friend for life.

The Doer.
This friend is the first one you call for support. Need a babysitter? No problem? Need a ride home from the airport at stupid o’clock? She is your girl! Sick? She will be the one to call around with a home cooked meal for you and wash your dishes while she is there. No matter how much she has to do she almost never says no, and if she does, she is extremely apologetic and will offer all kinds of alternate solutions because your problems are her problems. While she is quick to offer help, she is slow to ask for it. You will feel an immediate cooling if you let her down when she has asked, (or even if she hasn’t actually) because she measures friendship by ways of service and helping. She’ll usually always be too busy to do anything relaxing although she often feels stressed and resentful. She can be a bit of a downer to talk to because she will always be talking about how stressed and busy she is. Helping her without being asked is the key to her heart.

The Organised Perfectionist.
This friend will always contact you first, no matter how hard you try to be the one who does. She will always initiate plans, organise the tickets, buy the group gift and see to all the small details of the trip like the travel pills and the airport transfers. She does not like to “wing it.” She likes to always make a reservation and check the menu online first. She does not like suggestions or input from others once the plan is in place. She is reliable and on time. She will not take kindly to tardiness or people otherwise wasting her precious time. She likes routine and structure. If you see her on Sunday morning for cake and coffee at the local café, she will not want to change it to Saturday afternoon at the dog park. She will play the martyr if you don’t suitably praise and appreciate her efforts, but as long as you do and you show up and stick to the plan, you should find her easy to get along with. Some people find this enthusiastic and sweet in the beginning, but begin to feel smothered and controlled eventually by her lack of flexibility.

The Loud Friend.
This is the friend who will complain about the service loudly, send her food back if it isn’t right and can’t resist correcting you if you made a mistake. She loves to be right and won’t hesitate to tell you when you are wrong! That said this friend also always has your back. She won’t stand for people speaking poorly about you or tolerate people treating you poorly. She feels her feelings fiercely, so she loves you hard. She can be scary and intimidating, and honestly sometimes hurtful or embarrassing.  Truth and tact don’t mesh well in her world! Listening isn’t her strong point, she prefers to tell everyone what to do and wont hesitate to tell you how wonderful she is. If you do get her to admit she was wrong, don’t take it lightly because it wasn’t easy for her. She is tough and cool and makes out like she doesn’t care what people think, but once you get to know her she is actually a big softie.

The Wallflower.
This friend is the most likely to be embarrassed by the Loud Friend. She appologies too much and too easily and will always try to accept blame when things weren’t her fault. She hates conflict or confrontation and will put everyone else ahead of herself. She will go along with your plans without complaint even if she is allergic to seafood and you chose a seafood buffet. She will just eat the bread sticks and pay her share even though she didn’t drink. She’s not usually adventurous. She will hold the bags when you go on rides at the theme park and she will be the one taking the photo rather than being in it. She really opens up though if you get her on her own, and ask her about herself. Oh how she loves to be noticed despite the effort she puts into being invisible. There is a whole funny quirky bright flower behind the wall, if you care enough to look.

The Parent.
This friend is the one who always has sunscreen in her handbag. She always has handy health tid bits, lives frugally and knows all the latest deals and discounts that she will be excited to share. She is the person you turn to in tough times, although part of you always worries she will disapprove. You seek her wisdom, advice, comfort and praise. Somehow they all feel wonderful and safe with this friend. She can sometimes be patronising when you don’t follow her advice, but it is only because she cares and loves you and wants you to do better for yourself. She will send articles that interest you and motivate you to be the best you can be. She will celebrate your successes as though they are her own, and equally suffer for your losses. You know she loves you and will be there for you, yet sometimes, like a teenager, you feel you need space and pull away to spread your wings. Thankfully she is almost always there to welcome you with open arms when you return.

The Quirky Loner.
This friend loves to be invited although she almost never comes along. Introverted; you might mistake her for shy and innocent although she is no wallflower! She is sure of herself and her interests. She takes pride in herself and knows her limits. She won’t feign interest in things that don’t interest her or show up for the sake of it. She values her alone time doing the things that inspire her. She knows herself possibly better than any of your other friends and feels no need to alter herself or her interests for you. Her interests are varied and unique but she is passionate about them. She might unintentionally bore you with her interests if you feign interest to be polite, because the concept is lost on her. Although you hardly see her, she will be loyal and appreciate your interest. She doesn’t open up or trust quickly or easily, although you get the impression she’ll be worth the wait. If you prove your loyalty you will win her trust eventually, but she isn’t one to rely on you. She is too busy taking care of herself to take care of you so don’t be needy and don’t make her your only friend. The best way to get close to her is to share an interest with her…. Did someone say frog watching while crocheting nose warmers?! Yes please! haha

As I said above, some friends or groups bring out different sides of us. Some of us are a happy or even mismatched combination of a few. Just note how these roles are perceived through the eyes of your friends and watch those negative habits. Whatever type of friend you are – just be the best that you can be!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Quality Time With a Busy Bee?

Most of us know someone who keeps themselves so busy they are literally exhausted all of the time. They complain frequently about how much they have to accomplish in a short period of time, always seem stressed, rushed and keep packing more and more into their schedule. They are frequently late or flaky because they always imagine things will take less time than they really do, and they also have trouble saying no.

Clearly these people are popular, as there is unlimited demands on their time. So if you want to steal a moment of their time, it has to be on their terms. And it usually does feel like you are stealing their time, to be honest. They might invite you over for a coffee, and when you arrive they aren’t prepared for your visit. They do make the coffee, however they don’t sit to drink it with you. They are busy rushing around getting ready for their next meeting, doing the dishes, pre preparing dinner and making quick phone calls to confirm appointments. They spend the whole time talking about themselves and how busy they are and all that they have to do, that you feel guilty for even being there despite the fact that they invited you.

This is the friend who always calls you when they are driving. Although the conversation probably will return to them and how busy and stressed they are, this is your best chance of actually telling them about yourself. However usually you can’t help but feel that if you hadn’t of answered they would have called someone else, and actually you often wonder if you were the first person they called? Probably not!

To add insult to injury, this friend often tells you all about their busy and exciting plans with other people. It is lost on them that they are always too busy to give you any quality time, because they are so busy giving it to the people they clearly like more than you. No, they can’t spend money with you as they are saving for the girls trip with work friends next month, or they can’t come to your dinner party because it is date night, but they can maybe come over on their way home from work at 5.30pm on Tuesday, except they need to be home by 6pm as it is a weeknight and they have work to catch up on.  Chances are they will cancel, but if you’re lucky they might ask you to accompany them to do the grocery shopping instead?

If you do manage to convince them to spend some time with you away from all the things that keep their focus elsewhere, you can bet they will spend more than 50% of that time on their phone. Messaging people, sending a quick email, confirming appointments, playing Pokemon Go, or just scrolling social media. Somehow it always seems impossible to capture their attention. No matter the quantity of the time they give you, the quality is always lacking.

This can be annoying at best, and crushing at worst if you take it personally and decide that your friend really doesn’t value you. Having a friend like this can be draining as you can start to feel it is one sided. Sometimes you look forward to any time they can offer you, however often walk away disappointed and eventually stop enjoying the friendship. You will probably feel reluctant to discuss it because they are already so stressed and appear to hold you at a distance as it is, so bringing up your need for time, the one thing they can’t offer, seems risky.

I have a friend like this, so I decided to ask her about it. Her response was interesting and not really what I had expected. Have you heard the Alanis Morissette song “All I really want”
“Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're going to die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?”

Basically my friend said she keeps busy in many ways not to avoid me or her other friends, but more so to avoid herself. Keeping busy is a mental health strategy for her, a coping mechanism of sorts, to stop her from over thinking. To stop her falling into the silence. Low self esteem and self worth has her believing she has to be all things to all people and that nobody would care to spend more than an hour with her anyway. It’s a way of avoiding rejection and pain. She also speculated that she may have undiagnosed ADHD. I do wonder…. Lol

My friend feels she needs to always be doing something to justify her worth in this world. The more helpful you are, the more people value you. The more she achieves the more accomplished she feels. She seemed oblivious to the fact that her actions were actually sometimes hurting the people she was trying to impress. She was aware though that she often ended up letting people down by over scheduling herself and always being late and needing to leave early so she could repeat the process for the next person.

Although she uses this as a mental health strategy she was also able to articulate that it leaves her exhausted and drained too and feels like mentally she never stops. She seemed to be afraid that if she stopped, nobody would notice or care. And when she does finally start unwinding, being on her phone is a way to relax. Even if she is still planning her next move, she isn’t as stressed once it is arranged.

She said I need to look at it differently. She said I should feel happy that she is comfortable enough with me to be completely herself. To let me see her in her pyjamas in her messy house as she prepares for the day. That it is a compliment that I am on the list of people she calls in the car when she finally gets a moment to herself. That the silences between us aren’t awkward if she is on her phone in my company.

You know what? I see her point and I am sad for her that she feels the need to keep so busy to distract herself from pain and emptiness inside. I’d much rather talk about it than avoid it. And I am so grateful that she opened up enough to explain it to me her way without getting mad or defensive. I guess we are different in that way – I like to talk things out, whereas she prefers to ignore it. Neither provides a solution, both are just how we deal with things.

The problem seems to be that I don’t feel valued when she doesn’t make time to listen to me I suppose. Talking is how I connect emotionally and when conversation is lacking, surface level, consistently interrupted or no space is made for me to talk about myself, I feel disconnected. Because of the way I am, I don’t like to call her and say “I need to talk” but she says if I did that, she would make the time to listen.

What I have learned with this friend is just to take what she offers me with gratitude. Not to take it personally and to ask for her attention when I need it. Not to criticise her, by saying “You’re not paying attention to me.” But just to say “Hey, can you sit down for a minute, I need to talk about this.” I also take it upon myself to plan fun things for us as quality time. Not to talk or to keep busy, a way we can both unwind. I am forgiving when she is on her phone, and she puts up with my occasional neediness. Compromise.

I can look forward to her calls, but I can also ignore them if I’d rather do something more enjoyable than fill her space. She wont take it personally. Lucky she’s not my only friend. But also lucky that she is my friend.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to make a meaningful apology in 10 simple steps.

Ok, so we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it is totally ok to admit that you were wrong and you hurt someone. However there is an art to an apology, which makes it meaningful to the wronged party. So if you’ve screwed up, here’s the best thing you can do.

Step 1.

Don’t be angry. Calm down. A curious thing happens when someone is angry with us…. we often get angry in return. Let that pass then actually say the words I’m sorry. Repeat back to the person exactly what you are sorry about, so that they know that you understand where the hurt is coming from and you care enough to acknowledge what you have done. (Or haven’t done as the case may be. Or said, or didn’t say… you get my drift.) This process is about validating how someone feels about your words or actions and acknowledging the consequences for them.  Just “I’m sorry.” Or “I’m sorry, but…” or even “I’m sorry you feel that way” usually wont suffice – as they don’t feel genuine, meaningful and like you really “get it!”

Step 2.

Don’t be defensive. If you must try and explain your behaviour, do not make excuses for it. Explain your reasons for acting as you did, without appearing to justify yourself. This can be extremely tricky to do, so take care here. Less is more. Remember this conversation isn’t about you, it’s about how your actions have hurt someone else. There may be time in the future to more calmly discuss this situation and everything that was happening for you. However asking someone to be understanding when they are still angry is usually asking for too much.

Step 3.

Do not blame the wronged party. We are all accountable for our own actions. Even if they provoked you in some way or there was something they did that you feel was worse than what you did, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, do not fight fire with fire. Water is usually most effective, and that means taking accountability for yourself. Accepting blame. We cannot force people to take accountability for themselves. Apologies have to be given sincerely, and under the circumstances, if someone is mad at you, even if they do owe you an apology too, if you come in with a defensive or attack approach, you’re unlikely to get it. I’ve written about that before on “Accepting an apology when you’re still mad.” Remember an apology isn’t something you are owed. It doesn’t work that way. If the person isn’t sorry then an apology is meaningless anyway. The point is, you did something wrong, you accept you’re at fault and you apologise.

Step 4.

Explain what you would like to see happen in the future. How you could face the issues differently, with this person, or with other people in the future. If you would like to salvage the friendship, then be clear about that, and offer suggestions as ways to move the friendship forwards if and when the other party is ready to do so. Failing that, if you’re stumped, ask them directly how you can make it up to them or what they need to see from you in the future.

Step 5

This step is important. It might be the hardest step…. Accept that sometimes sorry just isn’t enough. Forgiveness is something you can ask for, but not always something you can expect. You cannot control the outcome of this. The person might still be angry and hurt, and they may still end your friendship in extreme cases. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a moment where you stand to face hurt and rejection, but I promise you, if you apologise, you will always be able to look back and feel that at least you tried, and you handled things as best you could. Let’s be honest, poor choices got you here, so don’t follow it up with more poor choices. Don’t be mad if the person cannot accept your apology. Maybe they didn’t fully understand your perspective, or maybe it was too little too late. If it’s over then it’s over. Doesn’t mean it has to end badly. An apology as an ending is fairly gentle as far as endings go, right?

Step 6.

If the person cannot accept your apology, give it some time. Do not beg. Do not harass them and keep apologising. Once is enough. The ball is in their court, you have done all you can do. Perhaps when they have had some time to cool down and consider things they will contact you again. Work on being open to that in their absence, but don’t count on it either.

Step 7.

If the person accepts your apology but is still hurt, start small. Rebuilding trust takes time. You cannot bulldoze someone into forgiving you. If they bring it up, each time you can acknowledge the hurt you caused and have a conversation that allows each of you to elaborate on the reasons you behaved the way you have. In theory if you show you understand why the person was hurt, they may be open to understanding things from your perspective too. This is likely if they are interested in salvaging things. Do not get angry each time they bring it up, be open to discussing it until the person has healed. Show compassion.  Prove to them with changed actions and consistency that you will not make the same mistake twice if you get the chance.

Step 8.

Forgive yourself. Although you upset someone else, ultimately it is not their forgiveness you will need moving forwards. Sure, it might be nice, but it isn’t as essential as forgiving yourself. As I said in the beginning of this post, nobody is perfect. Good people make bad choices sometimes. People get hurt. Explore the reasons why you acted the way you did, and reflect on ways you could better act in future. Don’t focus on what the other person did to you, even if they did hurt you, focus on how you can be better. Not for them, but for yourself.  Most of us don’t want to hurt others, so it is upsetting when we do. 

Apologising tends to evoke shame in many of us. As though we are admitting to being a bad person instead of making a bad choice. Ironically the closer we feel to someone, the harder it can be to apologise. This is because we care so much what they think of us, so admitting we let them down can be like admitting we don’t care. The truth is, if you care, you will apologise. People actually think more of a person who can apologise than those who can’t.

The more practice you get at apologising, the easier it will become and the better you will feel about your relationships and yourself. To quote my obscure music again… Jason Donovan ‘Question of Pride’
“Don’t let your pride, stop you from saying sorry. Remember in time, there’s 2 sides to every story.”

Step 9.

Stay strong. Keep smiling and know that you will be ok whatever happens. Let it go. See what happens.

Step 10.

Talk to someone you trust. A friend, a teacher, a parent, a colleague, or psychologist who can help you validate yourself too. Apologising to someone doesn’t always mean they were right even if it means you were wrong. Seeking support is important no matter what side of the equation you find yourself on. You need people around you to remind you that they still see the good in you, even if you made mistakes or exercised poor judgement.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Strength in Vulnerability

The other night, a friend popped in, crawled into bed beside me, curled up and cried as I held her. While I was obviously sad for my friend, and eager to talk out what was upsetting her, I was also happy to be someone she felt safe enough to turn to. It served as yet another bonding moment between us, strengthening our connection. After my friend left though, it left me pondering the thought that perhaps I struggle with vulnerability in my friendships.

Not many of my friends have seen me cry. Even my therapist has only seen it a few times and noted that it appears to make me exceptionally uncomfortable. I suspect being a victim of bullying from a young age has contributed to my strong poker face, added with the sarcastic household in which I was raised. My thick skin helped me survive at time when I felt different and unable to express my emotions for fear of harassment or an untimely “outing”. Lol

However, clearly I am no longer in that situation and perhaps habits collected back then are no longer healthy or serving me, or my friendships, well. Am I still holding on to the belief that my tears will cause my peers a great deal of satisfaction? That they would take pleasure in hurting or humiliating me? If I am, then I need to either take a closer look at who I am surrounding myself with, or, more likely, why I am still keeping people at an emotional distance and not letting them know all of me.

As another friendship recently came to a close, I was able to reflect that while I am comfortable with expressing vulnerability in a positive light, vulnerability in a negative one is something I will hide from at all costs. Example: I have no problem approaching people for friendship. I am unafraid to put myself out there, to express that I like someone, even though there is a big chance that they wont feel the same way in return. However if someone has angered me or hurt me, I am fast to shut down and close off to that person rather than be vulnerable and express my feelings.  It’s an extreme version of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

I hadn’t really stopped to fully contemplate that this sudden silence from me was considered icy cold and hurtful to the other party. This appears to be true regardless of if we have discussed the need for space or not. The one thing I do know about feelings is that they pass. So waiting until the extreme feelings pass before I act, seems logical. Unfortunately sometimes it can take months for that to happen. While I may soften in that time, and be ready to let go of the hurt and continue on, the other person’s hurt and anger have probably been building during that same time.

Having just recaptured a bunch of music from my youth, that my husband refers to as obscure, although I disagree, I was thrilled to turn up the volume on my “Ace Of Base” album in the car. When the song “Don’t Turn Around” came on it stood out to me and I knew I had to post about it here.  You can listen to the song on this link, however I also wanted to capture some of the lyrics for those of you who agree with my husband and have no interest in listening to the song.  

“If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out that door
See if I care
Go on and go now but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart
That you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know…”

So much of this relates to my experiences. I have a rule that I will not chase people or beg them to stay in my life, so some of those lines really resonate. “If you want to leave, I wont beg you to stay. If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way.” The minute I perceive someone no longer wants to be in my life, I will walk away. I do this because talking about it has never made one iota of difference. Talking about it has always resulted in one of 2 things.

1. The person denies there is any issue. They may list off a host of reasons for their sudden unavailability or lack of interest in engaging, or just deny it all together. Either way this feels a lot like a mild form of “gaslighting” whereby the other person makes you question your perception or denies reality. They tell you everything is fine when you can feel that everything is not fine. Or….

2. They tell you there is a problem. You try to talk it out, but it ends up as a slinging match, both parties are defensive and words are used as weapons. Most times this is unrecoverable.  I assume this is because emotions are still running high on both ends.

I have had success in my previous encounters by allowing enough space to pass that you just miss each other. That it doesn’t matter anymore and you basically start again, and grow a new friendship. Clearly that doesn’t always happen though if one person is healing while the other is hurting. That’s where “If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way” comes in. Because “I’m gonna be strong, I’m gonna be fine” is basically the premise of this blog. I’m going to be fine and you are too. And so are they. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

The part that really perturbs me though is “See if I care, go on and go now….” Because I do care. And I have to acknowledge that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, so my attitude may well be causing the very endings I am trying to avoid. See if I care…. That’s where the vulnerability comes in. I care. I care so much. I have accepted that people will leave and that it hurts, and I struggle with having the vulnerability to face that pain.

Which brings me nicely to the last part. “Don’t turn around, I don’t want you seeing me cry, just walk away; it’s tearing me apart that you’re leaving…. I’m letting you go, but I won’t let you know.” I go cold and quiet because I’m hurting and I haven’t found the bravery in me to put my pride aside and say that I am hurting. I feel this is because I think I already know the outcome, that more hurtful words will be spoken leading to yet another nasty heartbreak and I’d rather just walk away and not have that conversation.
In this instance at least, I was able to articulate directly, offer my friend some reasons, accept accountability and apologise. Sure, it didn’t change the outcome, the friendship still ended, but I think we both feel ok with the outcome. That is progress.

I still have a ways to go, but I am pleased I have learned to be more direct, to acknowledge that my space was painful and apologise for it. (More on apologies next week.) Next step is to be more direct before the space perhaps.  And to allow my friends to see my pain as it happens….. even if they don’t care. Because my hurt matters just as much as theirs and my friendships could be richer if I allow them to support me the same ways I support them. While they last anyway! Lol

I guess I am learning that friendships end. All the time. Which is totally ok even if it is heartbreaking. I cannot avoid it no matter what I do, so what I must do is learn to get way better at endings instead of hiding from them. I may even get some new beginnings. Who Knows!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social schedules, and inflexibility.

Life is busy. This much is true, regardless of what your personal version of busy looks like. Some of us are too busy for schedules and routines, while others of us rely on them heavily to organise the chaos. Personally, I fall into the latter category. As my son is autistic, we run our lives with a high degree of predictability, which helps him thrive and feel safe in a world that is at large, fairly unpredictable. I have to admit though, that this works for me too, and I have at times wondered if perhaps autism is something he has inherited from me….

I wonder this because I am the first to admit that I do not like change. I’m not sure any of us really do, it seems part of the human condition that change provokes some level of fear… For me though, even small changes can be unsettling. A change in products stocked at the supermarket for example, will usually lead me into a frantic search for the product I am used to instead of simply accepting the change and trying something new. It has been brought to my attention recently that this inflexibility is crossing over into my social schedule too, and impacting my friendships in harmful ways.

I have always been open about the fact that I seem to keep around 5 close friends in my circle at any one time. Although the names on that list have varied over the years, the schedule has not necessarily varied with it. This has brought some people to question – do I value the schedule more than the friendships that are scheduled? This is worth exploring. Obviously friends are people, with their own lives, circumstances, wants and needs, all of which are prone to change over time, and all of which can impact their desire or availability for social activity. Therefore it stands to reason that being inflexible with my own schedule could write some friendships out of my life, albeit unintentionally. 

As I am a stay at home parent, with school aged children, I make no apologies for the fact that those 6 hours a day when the kids are in school is my prime social time. It makes sense. My children have appointments and activities every day after school, and my husband works long hours. In the evenings is the only time we have to connect with each other. Weekends he works, and I get the house jobs and writing done. I could potentially socialise here, but this is the time when most of my friends are connecting with their own partners and extended family, so their availability for social time is limited then. In an ideal world for me, none of the 5 women would work, and they’d be available one day a week during school hours! Lol

Obviously though, that is not the world we live in. My friends do work, see other friends, and they have many appointments and errands to run, so availability, which ties in with convenience as I posted about a few weeks back, isn’t always compatible. Sometimes this impacts my own schedule. I have one friend for example who only has one day off work per week. We agreed to catch up that day, once a fortnight so she could still have the other day to see to other things and people in her life. If someone else asks me for time on that day once a fortnight, chances are I will decline. I already have a commitment to someone on that day, and I can’t move it because she doesn’t have the availability to do so, and seeing her is important to me. She does however have to cancel fairly regularly, which I understand because she is already giving me 50% of her available time. That is a big commitment so it does require me to be flexible. I am. With her anyway.

She is not the only friend with whom I have a standing social arrangement. Some friends I see weekly, others fortnightly, and some monthly. Depends on mutual availability and interest. I also have friends who I know feel repelled and trapped by the idea of a standing commitment like that, and we see each other on a more casual basis. Sometimes I am less close with these friends by default because the consistency in our interactions is lacking. That said, with other people the casual nature of our friendship suits us both because we know we couldn’t actually sustain each other for anything more. The rest may be acquaintances waiting to blossom at a later time into a more meaningful friendship.

I have been criticised for not being flexible though. Some friends would prefer a weekly catch up on a day of their choosing, depending on the week and what else they have going on. While I am willing to admit I prefer to see them on the agreed day, because I like routine, if I can accommodate the request, I will. However If I have committed to a day with someone, generally speaking, I will schedule other things on other days, leaving that agreed space free for them. How that is translating in reality is “I can see you on X day, at X time, no other time.”

This criticism goes both ways, with some people being upset that I cannot offer more or different times, and with other people suggesting they could not offer me less time either. Basically, once you have joined the roster, people feel that they cannot swap shifts, and must show up for a minimum amount of hours per week! So I can definitely see where the critique is coming from. It does feel unfair though. One friend, for example has actually held a different weekly space in my routine on every day of the week over the years, changing each time her life changes. Others have had 3 times a week, and we have pulled it back to one without upset. Some have even opted out of the schedule all together and yet maintained a connection. I can’t possibly be that inflexible? Sure, I don’t like change, but I have no choice but to accept it.

Needless to say, I am very torn by this criticism. On the one hand, of course I want to be more flexible to accommodate the changing needs of my friends, however I also feel that others often don’t value my time. As I don’t work, the common inference here is that I am choosing to be difficult, and could in fact be more flexible because social time is flexible by nature, isn’t it? Sigh. It feels like the insinuation is that I should just wait around for everyone else and not make plans for myself, so I am always available at their convenience.

Both perspectives are valid, so what is the answer? Am I using the schedule to save myself from actually making the effort on a weekly basis? Should I give up the schedule? I think perhaps, we need to discuss the schedule more regularly and openly, to make sure it still works for us both, rather than it lingering like a stale gym membership you see no way of cancelling.  If the schedule is mine, I should take it upon myself to discuss it every few months with the people involved. I have definitely even been trapped by the schedule at times, so I am open to discussing the ways it can start to feel like “a rut.” I have lost friends who wanted more time, who wanted less time and friends who wanted different times that I just couldn’t accommodate….. So if the schedule itself is the issue….

I will experiment with more casual arrangements. With the new members of the circle, I will endeavour to try and arrange to see them once a month or so, by planning ahead, and conversing with them each time, while being less rigid on the times and places. I will report back on the findings of this mini social experiment and see if I am able to reach a higher level of connection without the schedule, and if I was able to maintain the effort over a sustained period. Of course it is not lost on me that my friends could also make the effort…. I hope they will… I mightn’t be the only one relying on it too heavily! Lol

Wish me luck!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Schedule time together, formally or casually, just make sure you do it.

5 steps to stop negativity draining your friendship

Last week I posted about my tendency to dwell on the negatives and the impact this has had on some of my friends and subsequently, our friendships. Most other articles out there focus on how the depleted friend can handle the toxic energy from us negative nellies! So this week I wanted to write one for the pessimists and how you can navigate friendships with optimists, empaths, introverted introverts and or anyone you think maybe doesn’t like you that much even if you’re not sure why.

Step 1.

Before each meeting with a friend, think of 3 positive things you would like bring up in conversation. Doesn’t matter how big or small. Examples could be a fabulous cheesecake you tasted the other day, a great book you read or movie you saw, a happy story you read in a magazine, something you accomplished or a goal you are close to achieving, or anything that made you happy.

While I refuse to accept that we shouldn’t feel free to speak about the issues in our lives; the dark times, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, trials and tribulations, I actually think it is probably a good idea to make the conversations more balanced and apply mindfulness to being more positive.

Step 2.

Hear yourself speaking and pay attention to your audience. If your friend appears to be changing the subject, zoning out or becoming frustrated, redirect the conversation to them. Maybe they are having trouble listening because they have something they need to share? Or maybe you have complained about the same issue too many times, and your friend is tired of hearing it. Especially if you are not going to do anything to rectify things. Or maybe they just needed to keep it light today because they are stressed and can’t take anything more on board. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the solution.

Some of the best people in this world are empaths. These people absorb the energy of people around them. If the checkout girl was having a bad day and then someone pulled a finger sign at them in traffic and they walked past a homeless person on the way to meet you, they might already be emotionally exhausted by the time you meet up. Be sensitive to this and try not to add to their stress. Humour is always a good fallback option. If you don’t have anything positive to say, say something funny!

Step 3.

Shut up and listen. It’s the strangest thing sometimes. I don’t know how the dynamics of a relationship are set early on, but I definitely have friendships with defined roles. Some that I talk so much the other person can hardly get a word in edge ways, and others where I basically just listen, only uttering the odd phrase to reiterate that I am hearing my friend. If your friend seems unhappy with your dynamics, make efforts to change them. Encourage them to open up more by showing interest in their life, their hobbies, their thoughts and feelings. And if they can talk about the positive things and make meaningful and lasting conversation from it, take notes!

It’s important to be aware of our own shortcomings and take the feedback of our peers. It doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, or better or worse, just different. You both have things you could learn from one another.

Step 4.

Be aware of their circumstances. If your friend is planning her wedding, perhaps she’s not the best person to talk to incessantly about your divorce. Or if you are both online dating, but your inbox is flooded with more interest than you can handle, while hers is still empty, she’s probably not going to be able to be objectively sympathetic to your genuine stress. In some circumstances it may even feel as if you are actually gloating through your complaints.  If your friend starts the conversation by sharing news of her big promotion – she is setting the tone for a celebration. That is not the time to complain about your hair dresser. If it’s not important, it can wait.

Minor example of different circumstances: I might say that I am annoyed that they changed the layout of the local supermarket, and my friend may quip that this is a good thing because it allows you to see all sorts of products you missed before. Circumstances dictate our perspective. I usually have 2 boisterous children running around with me when I do the shopping and I also spend a small fortune feeding us already. My son will only eat very specific products and foods and I knew where they were before. I don’t need new products as much as I need a streamlined shopping experience. My friend might be single and only shopping for herself, and she loves cooking and trying new recipes. Neither is wrong, because feelings aren’t facts. I may in time learn to love the new shop layout much better than before, but I am still allowed to be annoyed by the change just as she is allowed to be excited by it. Both are valid.

Step 5.

Acceptance. Some people aren’t happy unless they have something to complain about. Maybe that is me. Maybe that is because complaining has been an effective method of sharing that has fostered close relationships in my life and I like it that way. The negatives in life are interesting to me. That is ok. Other people aren’t happy unless they have measurable happiness in their life. My mother in law recently quipped how happy she was to get some time to work in the garden. Conversation and connection isn’t as important to her as getting happiness from nature and animals and spending time on her own. As she works long hours running her own business, she doesn’t get much free time, so spending it in the garden will make her happier than listening to me complain or than complaining to me ever will.

I will never be close with everyone I meet. Closeness looks and feels different for everyone, and I just have to accept people the way they are and hope they do the same for me. Some personality types just aren’t as compatible as others. Just because a friendship isn’t as close doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. Balance is everything. Positivity in someone’s negative moment can be just as damaging as negativity in a positive one, as explored in this article published online at www.purewow.com on 3rd September 2019 written by Carolyn Kuang-Chen Stanley, titled  “There is such a thing as toxic positivity (and you might be guilty of it.)”

If you can foster ways to be more positive with people, perhaps you will find them even more enjoyable. Personally speaking, I do have some friendships whereby I don’t hear much from them unless things aren’t going well. It would certainly be good to rectify that by learning to be more positive and seek each other out for fun and not just connection and support.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can 2 negatives create a positive? Navigating and understanding negative nellies.

I am the first to admit I’m a bit of a pessimist, although I like to joke that I am just a realist in a bad mood. Lol I don’t know if I come from a long line of pessimists, or if it just so happens that my parents were both pessimists and growing up in that environment impacted my social development. Regardless it seems inevitable that I would be this way inclined, if all women turn into their mothers eventually anyway, right?

To be fair, my mother is a social woman and growing up, I saw how her friendships made her happy and how much time and attention she gave them. I remember quietly listening to snippets of their conversations, always hoping they’d be talking about me I suppose. I’m not sure what I expected to hear, but unless my mother was talking about how messy I was, which she frequently did, the conversations seemed dull.

Not because they weren’t enjoying one another’s company, they were. I just couldn’t figure out why you would rather complain about your run in with the grocery store about incorrect prices or how you couldn’t lose weight than have fun and play! By all accounts, my mother and her friends appeared to be smiling and laughing much of the time, but I suppose I found it sad that their day to day lives were really all they had to entertain themselves. I vowed never to grow up and to always be messy.

I am indeed still messy, however I almost remember the day I grew up specifically. I had always liked flipping around on the parallel bars, the monkey bars, the climbing frames and the chin up bars in the playground. Then one morning, I just couldn’t flip. I was filled with fear that I would hurt myself. From that day on, my friends and I didn’t venture to the playground anymore. Instead, we sat around chatting. I explain to my daughter now that this is sometimes how adults play and she looks at me with the same confusion and pity in her expression as I used with my own mother. You’ll understand one day, I tell her, but I hope it isn’t any day soon.

If I cast my mind back to those days, our conversations were about crushes, what teacher was unfair to us, what new ways our parents had annoyed us and what we were going to do on the weekend. Over the years those conversations grew to include dating disaters, relationship woes, moaning about study, the impossible task of living with almost no money, employment stresses, health complaints, weight and body issues, family problems….. and the list goes on. While the people I have shared with have definitely continued to change over time, the topics haven’t changed that much.

I know I have at least one person in my life who finds my negativity draining. Probably more. I am not unaware of the issue, I just wanted to contemplate how it became this way and if indeed it is an issue. I have so much in my life to be happy about, honestly. As a matter of fact, and I am sure my mother would agree, despite my complaining about the day to day issues I face, I have always chosen to live my life in whatever way makes me happy.

I have a wonderful husband who adores me, and works insanely hard to support us. I am lucky enough to have the luxury to have the option to stay home and write instead of working in paid endeavors. We take fantastic overseas holidays usually at least once a year. I can buy whatever I need. I have 2 great kids, and I didn’t have trouble conceiving. I enjoy an active social life, have time to read and relax. I am close to my family and enjoy time with them. I have wonderful friends who I can laugh and cry with. In short I have happily ever after.

I’d like to point out that the last paragraph feels like bragging. Sorry. That’s the first reason I don’t talk too much about the good things. Added to that, “happily ever after” is where the story ends… because it’s just not that interesting! Seriously. How can I really elaborate that into a meaningful conversation with someone?  I have always craved deeper connections with people, and those are not, in my experiences anyway, brought on from talking about life’s pleasantries.

Rightly or wrongly, most of the strong connections in my life have come from being there for each other in darker times. From vulnerability, which often hides from the light of day. Someone might be discussing something positive, like their hopes to start a business, but they also need to feel free to talk about their fears in relation to that too, or the conversation is incomplete and less authentic. When I worked in customer service, we always talked about pleasantries with customers. The weather, exciting upcoming plans or celebrations, compliments and well wishes. Those conversations left everyone feeling good momentarily, but rarely lasted more than 5 minutes and did not form any meaningful connections. While I had regulars who would rather line up for my smiley service than go to a faster less chatty server, the constant need to be cheerful really left me drained by the end of the day. What I really wanted to say was that my shoulder burned the way it always did after 10 hours of standing behind a checkout scanning people’s groceries, and my feet hurt, and I was hungry, if anyone cared. They didn’t. It wasn’t their job to care.

Talking about positive things is easy, but unless you delve into darker territory, I’m not convinced connections will form. Sure maybe you start by discussing your annoyance about the parking situation at the local shops, and your friend gets to see some of your unfiltered thoughts. The freer you feel to be your unfiltered self with someone, the closer you will feel to them. Added to that, you will feel like they truly know you, which adds meaning to your connection.

I don’t mean to be negative and draining. I don’t expect my friends to solve my problems, nor do I want it. I am perfectly capable of solving my own problems if I want them solved. I know I can’t solve a friends divorce issues any more than she can solve issues related to the special needs of my son. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss these things and vent our emotions accordingly. If a friend doesn’t know what we are going through then how can they really be here for us?

Anyway, as I touched on earlier, the happy things aren’t always that interesting. I have a happy life, but it is generally uneventful. I spend a fair chunk of my time on my own writing, at appointments for my son during the week, and my husband works weekends, so I am busy entertaining the kids. Almost always by myself. My hobbies include reading and watching movies, having massages and facials, and getting my hair and nails done. These things bring me joy, but they aren’t fantastic as a means of conversation, are they?  So if I am complaining about the service I received, or my struggles with something however big or small, to me, that is a symbol of trust in you and our friendship. That I trust you with how I feel and I feel safe to complain even though objectively I have a happy life with not much to complain about.

The question remains though, how can I stop this negativity from draining my friends…… Stay tuned next week to find out….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Were you missed when you were missed out?

There is nothing quite like the sting of social exclusion. It reeks of school children, and is commonly thought that is where it ends. Which is true…. To a point, assuming you surround yourself with good people. That said, we all understand and accept that nobody is included in anything all of the time, right? Knowing and understanding this universal truth doesn’t always stop the sting or the emotional backlash though, especially when we take it personally.

I have posted before about feeling excluded, and I have posted about unintentionally making a friend feel excluded. My experiences with either are not limited, and neither have my emotional reactions been limited. This depends largely on my expectations and to an extent, my mood I suppose, but I think we can all agree sometimes it is hard not to take it personally. Other times it is easier.  Sometimes it’s a wave of different emotions or a process!

I remember once, years ago now, a colleague had a party at his house, to which all the staff were invited, except me. I had no real relationship with this colleague and no real interest in his party. I had heard people discussing it, and really gave it no thought….. UNTIL, he came to me specifically to apologise for the lack of invitation and pointed out himself that I was the ONLY person not invited! Lol What an odd experience that was!

To give you a little background information, the workplace was largely male dominated. There were only 4 women working in the office, and 3 of them were dating a male member of staff. I wasn’t. So, as he put it to me, that was the reason I wasn’t invited, that the other ladies were only invited because they were partners of his male friends. Fair enough. Whatever. I didn’t want to go to his party anyway. But why come and talk to me about it? If you felt that bad about my exclusion, I wondered, wouldn’t it have been easier just to invite me? You didn’t want me there so badly that an awkward conversation about my exclusion was the best option? Then, it suddenly did seem personal. Even though I genuinely had zero interest in his party before, now I was hurt. Of course, if he had of invited me, (had I chosen to attend, which I would not have anyway) I am sure I would have still felt excluded and known I wasn’t really wanted there.

On the Monday after the party only one person approached me to ask why I wasn’t there, said they missed me and I should have gone. I said I hadn’t been invited, explained the situation about the other ladies dating the men etc… and this person was outraged that this had been said to me, and articulated my own point – why not just invite me? I wont get into this story any further except to say that after that an unlikely friendship developed between me and the person who cared enough to ask after me.

As a different example of feeling excluded, a friend of mine recently travelled overseas for her friends 40th birthday. A group of people were invited, many went. My friend opted to go, however due to work commitments, family commitments and personal circumstance she opted to travel separately from the group and stayed at a different location. On the night she arrived was the party. Despite her best efforts, my friend could not locate the venue. She had her driver for the evening drive around for 2 hours before giving up and going back to the accommodation. She only had WIFI there to communicate with her friends.

She messaged them to let them know she had tried to find the party, however couldn’t spot them, so had gone home and given up. She was disappointed that her friends hadn’t seemed to notice her absence, however they said they were sorry she couldn’t find them, and that they had been close by, but that they understood if she chose not to try again. This is a perfectly reasonable response. However it is not unreasonable for my friend to hope, as in my story above, somebody would miss her and ask after her. A part of her had hoped that they would insist she went to find them, because it wouldn’t be the same without her there. Instead they accepted she wasn’t going without much fuss at all, and she spent the night watching the updates on social media about what a fabulous time everyone was having without her. 

In her absence they have planned another group holiday and the messages and memories about the fabulous time that was had, the in jokes and the photos are still being exchanged and each one feels like a slap in the face. She travelled all the way to another country for them and they couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to include her? Now, my friend is the first to admit, she may have been left feeling this way, even if she were included.

The party was full of drunk women in bikinis, men eating chips and drinking beer, dancing and generally being loud and having fun. Nothing out of the ordinary, except my friend does not have a bikini body, does not drink, currently has a particularly restricted diet due to personal health issues and did not know all the attendees. She does not dance, and would likely have ended up sitting in a corner sipping water and being quietly judged as the uninteresting party pooper. This would not have felt better, or having to be “babysat” by her friend. 

Basically the whole experience left my friend feeling like her existence is a burden to their friendship, and that no matter how much effort she puts in, she will be disappointed with the lack of appreciation or effort in return. This is what exclusion does. It leaves us questioning our worth, and feeling like we have no value. Sadly nobody seems to have reached out to my friend to say they were disappointed she wasn’t there in the end, and are seemingly unaware that including her in conversations about it is adding salt to the wound.

To be fair, this exclusion was not personal. They had a party, they had a great time. This was the whole purpose of the trip. My friends experience was not their responsibility. They went to have a good time, and they had one. But I can still understand the sting my friend is experiencing. She knows it isn’t about her, but that’s what stings. She wanted it to be about her. Just a little bit.

So many times social exclusion happens in minuscule doses like this, and our friends just go along with it and expect us not to say anything. To take it on the chin. Don’t be a drama queen. Don’t make it about you when it wasn’t. Which is much easier to do, if someone tells you afterwards that they noticed you weren’t there and they cared.  Simple really.

Friendship is all about showing people that you care; about them, about their experiences, about their effort, and about your relationship with them. So even if everybody really can’t be included all the time, let the excluded party know that you cared enough to notice and reassure them they were at least valuable enough (to you) to be missed.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend’s partner just isn’t into them.

As I have mentioned here before, quite a few of my friends are currently in the dating world. While I would love to say all of them met that special someone right off the bat and never looked back, sadly this isn’t the case. Actually they have met quite a few potential partners, however somewhere along the line those warm fuzzies inevitably leave them feeling cold.

The thing is, sometimes the signs were there from the beginning and my friends just didn’t see, or maybe didn’t want to see the red flags. I can understand it is terribly hard to accept rejections on this level and it feels really personal. Some friends have almost given up while others insist on analysing it to death to understand what is “wrong” with them that this keeps happening.

Naturally my friends are wonderful people, and there is definitely nothing wrong with any of them! However when I attempt to point out the fact that they overlook things too easily because they are attracted to a person, that they accept less than they deserve and make excuses for their mate,  and that they fail to recognise the signs or truly hear what the other person is telling them, they are not really interested in hearing me either.

A friend might say she was ghosted by someone for example, when in fact it was clear that he had tried to end it several times and she just kept on saying she wanted to make it work. Or she’s shocked to find out he’s not as single as he claimed to be when they first met, even though he ditched her for his “ex” on several occasions. Or she may defiantly claim that she knows that he loves her, even though she is complaining to you about all the behaviour that suggests exactly the opposite.

Sometimes if you actually try and force your friend to hear you or see the truth, because you care about her and you don’t want her to get hurt, she may even shoot the messenger. She may accuse you of being jealous or unsupportive or just too negative. Which, to be fair, may be partially true. Because we love our friends and worry for them, obviously the red flags seem like stop signs to us way before she can read the writing on the wall!

So what’s a girl to do to stop her friend getting hurt? Just be there to pick up the pieces. To listen to her, and encourage her to see the signs in her own time. NOTE I am not talking about abuse, I am talking about when the person they are into just doesn’t seem to be as into them in return. I am learning this lesson by way of experience. When you really like someone, you are inclined to want to believe they like you back, and your brain seems to develop this uncanny ability to see what it wants to see and justify what it can’t ignore.

Your friend isn’t ignoring your advice on purpose. She can’t help it. She want this. She is not ready to accept that the other person doesn’t want it as much as she does, if at all. She’s not interested in what causes her to consistently fall for narcissists for example, partly because she doesn’t want to believe this person might be another one, and partly because she doesn’t care why – really she just wants it to work.

We all fall down the “why me, it’s not fair” rabbit hole from time to time and you have to allow her to do that when it doesn’t work out…. Accept that although she might be asking the question, all she really wants is for you to validate her pain and suffering. Agree with her that it isn’t fair. Assure her it’s their loss. Reassure her there is nothing wrong with her, she is a catch, and never to give up.

Frustrating as it might be sometimes, it’s your job to listen to her Even if she complains about the same things over and over and does nothing to change it. This is her life. You have to let her live it. Let her learn her own lessons and draw her own conclusions when she reaches that enlightenment eventually… if she ever does. I know you want to help her. I know you want to save her. You can’t.

If she has nobody to talk to it will be even worse and more isolating, so just listen. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Ask her how she feels about it and if she says it makes her mad – tell her you should be mad. If it makes her sad tell her you understand why she is sad. If says she is happy, tell her you are happy for her. Just validate her experience. The more you emphasise what she is feeling, the more she might have the courage to act on what she is feeling and walk away from someone who isn’t treating her as she deserves.
 

The most challenging thing I have experienced here is that the other person isn’t validating her emotions. So although she is mad with rights to be mad, they may be telling her she is over reacting. When you are doubting your emotions and their validity it is hard to act on them. So don’t force her into making any decisions, just listen and validate. As often as it takes.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Sinking Frelation-Ship

Frelationships; those meaningful relationships with our friends that fulfil our relationship needs essentially, mist often when we are single. Let’s explore that.

You’re single, but never short of a plus one, and you already know exactly who you will spend your Friday night with. You make a big fuss of holidays and occasions together, say I love you, have sleepovers and talk almost every day. You may even live together. This friend feels more like a soul mate on many levels and you are insanely comfortable with each other and know each other sometimes better than you know yourselves.

Basically you’re in friend love and the only discernible difference in your relationship aside from the label “friendship” is the lack of sexual contact. Usually. It sounds wonderful, because honestly, it is! Many people say that their ideal partner is their best friend and lover all wrapped up in one neat little package. Plus MOST people would agree that given the choice between 2 exclusive categories (if you could only choose one for life) – friend versus lover, that they would choose friendship every time.

In theory this works, and we all live happily ever…. Except that fairy tales are lies. Even though these friends are happy together, chances are they are still searching for romantic love. This can be fun, double dates, helping each other swipe left or right, sharing profiles you think the other would like, and even commiserating over failed dates and ghosting. However, there almost always comes a time when one person finds the love they have been searching for, and happily pursues it.

It doesn’t matter that the 2 of you always did Mexican on Friday nights, it’s a fairly safe bet to say it’ll be tacos for one from now on. Maybe you always went to weddings as each others plus one? Yeah, chances are that wont be happening anymore either. Maybe you used to text all day, but now you only hear from your pal once a week or so – where it feels like she feigns interest in your life for a few minutes before launching into the latest in their relationship?

You’re a good, loyal, loving friend. You’re happy for your friend, and you understand you have to share her now. She has to make time for her partner, you totally get it. You wait it out for a few months. She’ll pop out of that love bubble soon enough, right? But instead she announces they’re moving in together, getting a dog, getting engaged, having a baby, or moving away.

Your friend does feel guilty. She does care. She is well aware that she is shutting you out and turning away from you. You start to question your whole friendship if she could discard you so quickly and seemingly easily. The truth is that you were in a frelationship, and now it’s just a friendship. It’s natural to struggle with this transition as the person discarded and replaced. It’s sad and it hurts. You feel alone. It is ok to be sad.

I posted last week about convenience in friendships. This is the prime example of a convenient friendship. Say for example you and your friend-love both work 9 to 5, and so does her partner….before the partner, you used to have pretty much the same schedule and availability….. but now any time you are free…. The partner is also free and expecting her time and attention. Whereby giving you time and attention before was effortless, now it has become not just an effort, but a struggle. Which feels like the worst part of it all. Why doesn’t she want to make time for you?

Same as the previous post – because she didn’t really have to make time before. It was mutually convenient, and now it isn’t. If your fre-lation-ship is a boat then it’s sinking. If you hold on to it with dear life, you’ll sink with it. You must accept that the dynamics have changed. Your friend will have more time for people it is convenient to see. And she may be making time for other people, other couples for example where she wasn’t before.

Her perspective has changed. Her situation has changed. She has probably changed. Holding on to how it was before is only going to hold you back. It isn’t like that anymore and it probably never will be again. You can still be friends, but it wont feel as safe and secure as it did before. Rest assured – this is a good thing. It will open your horizons to new people and motivate you more in your own life to take your own direction.

It isn’t personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Technically neither did the other party. This doesn’t take away from what you shared together. It could be an ending, or you could adjust and make it a new beginning, by accepting whatever your friend can offer now, and being supportive.

The problem with frelationships is that they tend to have an element of dependence and exclusivity. So if you have a frelationship, and it’s working for you, that’s great. Be happy. For now. Just make sure you do have other friends too. Life boats. No one person is enough to meet all your emotional needs. Not one friend or one lover. Consider what you’d do without your friend and start filling any potential gaps you ,might see, because while no relationship comes with a guarantee, yours is almost certainly temporary.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When it turns out your friendship was more convenient than close.

Sometimes our closest friendships are developed from circumstances of convenience. Think work friends, neighbours, school mums, classmates, gym buddies etc…. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, I think convenience is probably one of the biggest factors that contribute to building close connections to begin with. If you see someone at regular intervals, consistency and time is mutually invested with minimal extra effort from both parties.

Small talk gradually changes to more meaningful topics, and you slowly open up and connect. You look forward to seeing one another and catching up, until suddenly you realise you really want to extend and grow the friendship outside of the original context and invite them into your personal world, or into a more intimate setting.

While it is fair to say, some friendships don’t survive this phase, because seeing this person in a different context opens you up to seeing different sides of them that were previously hidden, if you’re lucky, it also opens you up to seeing even more awesome sides of them and connecting on more different topics and levels.

If you usually talk at the office, having a drink after work exposes your out of office personality. If you both drink red wine and love dancing, you can expect the sparks to start flying. The more sparks you see, the more integrated you can expect to become into each others personal lives. It is usually easy and wonderful. You live close by, and share similar schedules, which makes effort minimal. If you had to think about it you would probably say that the convenience of your closeness is just an added bonus…. Not the glue that holds the friendship together. It feels true when you say it, doesn’t it? It felt true all the times I said it too, that’s for sure.

However life has this funny way of changing everything. Sometimes slowly and subtly, sometimes suddenly and dramatically. Similar circumstances seldom last forever. If you are both single, one of you will eventually partner. If you are both working in the same place, one of you is likely to be offered a promotion, transfer or alternatively a better offer elsewhere. If you are both childless, one of you is likely to have a child. If you live locally, one of you is likely to move…. Eventually.

And sometimes these changes blindside us completely. Not because we didn’t expect things to change, but we didn’t expect the things that changed to change our friendship. I have a friend experiencing this exact thing right now in a very close and long standing friendship. This friendship has already survived one woman leaving work, getting married and having children, however the bond between the women remained so strong that my friend is actually godmother to her friends children.

My friend has always been supportive of her friend. She has babysat the children often, and made weekly visits to her friend. She has flown overseas for their wedding, and again for a big birthday celebration. Her friend has helped her with hair and makeup for events and always welcomed her into their home and life with her partner and children. The 2 women lived only 10 minutes apart, and my friend always felt welcome to pop in anytime to see them. She felt they were very close friends. And they were.

Notice how I said were. They were. Then her friend moved half an hour away. Where my friend used to feel free to pop over, she didn’t realise that she often did that on her way to and from various errands in the area. If her friend wasn’t home, it didn’t matter. Now it is a 30 minute drive there and back, so it really needs to be a scheduled visit as understandably, she doesn’t wish to spend an hour in the car if her friend isn’t even home. Added to that, if you are doing an hours travel, you don’t really want to pop in for a 10 minute coffee. You need to justify the visit by staying a while. In theory this isn’t an issue because you don’t see each other as frequently as you did before, so increasing the time you do spend should even things out right?

Except, when you have to schedule a visit…. For a start you feel you have to be invited first…. Waiting for that invitation was the first disappointment in a chain of many small things that has led my friend to the crushing conclusion that her and her friend are not as close as she thought after all. To be fair to my friend’s friend….. she has continued to say “ you should have popped over on the weekend, we would have loved to see you.” However that is distinctively different to saying “would you like to come over on Saturday for lunch?”

Now, I can understand both points of view on this subject, but basically, what it appears to boil down to, is that suddenly their friendship is no longer effortless. It is no longer convenient to pop in. Each person has to block out at least half a day to make it worth their while either way. Even if they meet half way, that is still far less convenient than having a friend stop by while you continue preparing the veggies for dinner.

When it comes to putting effort into friendships, this is often where we falter. I have been just as guilty of this as everyone else. So how do we fix it now that we have acknowledged the issue? First off, don’t blame one party or the other for not making the effort. Neither of you really had to before, and now, someone has to go first, right? If you want to save this friendship you have to try. Your friend may or may not come to the party, but at least you can say you tried. If you don’t at least accept that things have changed, and you must change with them, the friendship will fizzle… and the flame may die out totally.

So have a think about how you want to see this friendship unfolding in the future. Do you want to be friends who lunch instead of always going to her place? Do you want to see each other less but call more often? Do you want to do your grocery shopping together? Whatever it is, invite your friend to do that, and see what she says. If it’s not worth the effort to her, maybe you aren’t as close as you thought…. Or you wont continue to be as close.

At the end of the day convenience sparks closeness but it is up to you to fan the flames of friendship to keep it alive, because convenience is almost always temporary, and if you don’t your friendships will be temporary too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend wants ALL of your time and attention to prove your friendship.

When we use terms jealous and possessive, the general assumption is that we are using them in reference to our romantic partner. While these terms have more serious connotations (hopefully) when used in reference to a romantic relationship, they are just as damaging and maybe even more frustrating when we are using them in relation to friendships.

Some people prefer one on one friendships. I totally understand this, because I am one of them. The danger in this tactic however, is only having one friend, or one main friend, and relying too heavily on that friend to meet all of your social and emotional needs. Some singles who fall into this category are the type who are hoping to meet a romantic partner that they consider their best friend and their long-time partner all in one neat package. Meanwhile these types of peoples are prone to, subconsciously, using friendships as sort of stop gap relationships.

If 2 of these people meet and become friends, even platonically, this can actually work. At least for a while, until one of them abandons the other for said love interest anyway. This happens, and it is an issue, but that isn’t the point of this blog. If you’re interested in that, you should read my post about FRelationships, and I’ll write about the ending of one of these soon.

What I am writing about here today though, is when one of these sorts of people befriends someone who isn’t like that. Someone who is very socially active, has many friends, enjoys their time with lots of different people regardless of romantic status. It’s important to point out here that this issue does not rest solely with single people. I have encountered a few partnered women who also require or expect too much from our friendship. It would be fair to say that I have probably been one of these people too, under certain circumstances, so rest assured I do understand it, from BOTH sides.

See, I’m totally credible, right? Lol

What happens when someone who tends to have one main friend befriends someone who has a much wider circle and way of connecting with people, and becomes emotionally invested or attached? The outcome is almost always negative. At first these 2 get along just fine, they like each other and enjoy one another’s company, but slowly, one person will encroach on the other persons space, time and boundaries.

It might start off as innocent enough, albeit annoying tendencies, such as the more intense friend texting (probably having some sort of personal drama or crisis) during a time when the social butterfly is engaging with others. The butterfly will be resentful of this. They told their friend they would be at a party, or busy doing something else during this moment, why are they texting now looking for support? The butterfly tries to be there for the intense friend, but is giving short answers and implying they will chat later. The butterfly is getting more annoyed, and the intense person can pick up on this. They may choose to ignore the signals, over apologise, or even turn to guilt inducing manipulation to keep the focus on themselves. The butterfly will feel guilty and withdraw, eventually neglecting to continue messaging.

I want to be clear that the intense friend probably is not conscious of this, and is not necessarily a bad person. The butterfly, while annoyed, feels terrible about herself for not being a better friend, and this sets up quite an unhealthy pattern for these 2 people. The circumstances in which the situations continue to unfold, tends to be very variable, however the constant is that the intense friend always feels like the butterfly is about to leave them at any minute and this makes them feel terrible about themselves and they cannot understand why, when they is such a good friend, (and they ARE a good friend) their butterfly companion wont just love them back and show her that they matter via time and attention. After all, they reason, if they had an event to attend, butterfly is the first and only person they want to bring with them. Why does butterfly not want to invite them too, or attend their events? Do they not understand friendship? Being there for each other? Inclusivity? Is that too much to ask? Feeling liked instead of like a pebble in someone’s shoe? (That might be an exaggeration, but intense friends are prone to dramatics. Displays of emotion, positive or negative are almost always theatrical and loud in some way.)

The butterfly, on the other hand, feels overwhelmed, like their character is being questioned. They want to prove themselves to be as good a friend as their intense companion, yet they are also facing conflicting feelings of resentment, guilt and a need for freedom which prevents them from actually moving forward. It is actually causing them to be more withdrawn, which will only trigger more neediness from the other party. The butterfly will reason that this is strictly a platonic friendship, that they should be allowed to see other people and not have to justify time away from their friends, regardless of how they spend it.

If you happen to be a male female pair, or if one of you or both of you have inclinations towards the same gender…. Or actually, even if you don’t, it wouldn’t be far fetched for the butterfly to start questioning if the intense party is in love with them. They will feel the need to consistently draw boundaries around this which continues to feel like rejection to the intense friend. Rinse. Repeat.

What happens, essentially is that these 2 people start to need each other, for self validation. Neither feels worthy or like a good person without the other. The intense friend needs to feel needed and wanted by the butterfly and the butterfly needs to prove her worthiness of such time and attention by reciprocating friendship. Interestingly, by this point both of them will be feeling like they wish the other person would just end it, but neither of them feel capable of it, without confirming their worst fears about themselves as people.

So what can you do? If you are the intense friend, take a giant step back. Invest in a few other people. Acknowledge that your friend isn’t your partner, and even if they were, no one person is capable of meeting your every need. It does not mean butterfly does not care about you, just that you are not the centre of their world, and nor should you be. They like you, but probably not as much as you like them. Or they express friendship differently, such as birthday gifts or doing favours. Recognise you are making butterfly feel bad about themselves and make efforts to stop and accept their friendship as best they can offer it. You can only accept this when you have other people to turn to aswell.

If you are the butterfly, please take a moment to acknowledge that your friend just loves you. Thinks you’re so awesome that they want to be around you. That is a compliment, even if you don’t feel exactly the same way in return. Your intense friend wants to feel important in your life, included and wanted there. You can achieve this without giving in to the relentless pressure for more time and attention. They just want to feel secure in your friendship. So make more effort, by inviting them, alone or with others every so often. Sending something that might make them smile. Letting them be one of the first people you tell about certain things, and words of affirmation about how great they are and how much you value them. Explain that you have many friends and you are so glad they are one of them, but that you also need much time to yourself and you hope they wont take it personally.

It wont be easy. It will be worth it. However, don’t think for one second that either of you is a bad person or friend if you can’t achieve this and it has gotten to breaking point. If you need to end it, then do it. Maybe it will be forever or maybe the break will be good and remind you both that you do like each other enough to continue, but not as it was.

Neither of you is right or wrong. All relationships take compromise, which, by definition means neither of you will get exactly what you hoped, but enough that you can agree to understand each other’s view points and accept what each of you can offer the other, however much, or however limited as the case may be.

Like anything though – if it is going to work, you are going to have to stick to your end of the bargain!

Stay Strong!

Remember, most of us are actually more like this, depending on the people and dynamics at play….

Maybe you’ll be on the other side of the story soon enough and then you’ll know how it really feels!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you literally paying the price for friendship?

Have you got a friend who is terrible with money? The kind who is always complaining about having none, then telling you all about the purchases or expenses she didn’t need? Even if she earns a good wage? The kind who “forgets her card” at lunch or “will get you next time” but never does? The kind who suggests an expensive event with you because she knows you will get the tickets and she can pay you back later? If she does.

This friend is usually heaps of fun to spend time with, because she is carefree. She isn’t as concerned with responsibilities as everyone else, and somehow it seems to work out for her. She is usually a pretty good friend, on the surface. She says all the right things, lifts your spirits with her love and adoring words. Most of the time you don’t even mind buying her lunch, even if she did suggest that expensive winery with the $100 lunch special! Ha!

You definitely don’t consider yourself a score keeper, yet you find yourself wondering when the last time she paid for herself was? You don’t want to seem stingy or to embarrass her, but you are starting to feel a little used. You don’t want a confrontation and you don’t even want her to pay for you necessarily, just for herself would be nice.

If this is sounding familiar, chances are you have already tolerated this problem, which has added to the pattern of behaviour. The good news is that you also have the power to change it. If you want to maintain your friendship, without feeling like you are paying for it as such, here are some things you could do.

Enmity - a state or feeling of active opposition or hostility. I didn’t know either! Lol

1. Confront your friend. Tell her before you make plans that you paid the last few times, so it is her turn to pay. If she says she can’t afford it, tell her that is not a problem, you are happy to have lunch in her home, or even just a coffee. Emphasise that it is about the company and the conversation not the food or the finances.

2. If you don’t feel comfortable raising the issue directly, ask your friend if she is struggling financially. If she says she is, assure her that you don’t think less of her for it and thank her for opening herself up to you. If she asks why you asked, just say you have noticed a few little things that made you wonder. Suggest free activities for a while until she gets back on her feet. Anything from a walk in the park, to a visit to a local museum or just a chat on your lounge or hers!

3. Determine how much you are willing to spend and stick to it. Sometimes it’s not about paying for your friend, maybe you really don’t mind that, it’s just getting expensive? Either way, you can be clear with your friend. I’m cutting back on my expenses. I only have $20 left to spend today. You can get creative in looking for 2 for 1 deals, discount coupons or $10 lunch specials. Your friend may even learn a thing or 2 about being more thrifty as an added bonus!

4. Change the timing of your catch up’s. Instead of getting together for lunch, tell your friend you will see her in the afternoon – make it clear it will be after lunch. If she still suggests food, you can tell her to go ahead but you are full from lunch.

5. Start saying no or winding down the amount of time you see her. You don’t have to suddenly end the friendship, just change it. Perhaps you could spend less time in person, but message or call more often? Your weekly lunch could become a monthly after dinner drink, or morning tea?

However you decide to handle this situation, stay strong. You should not be pressured or manipulated to spend money. Friendship should be free, and is it’s own reward. If that isn’t enough for your friend, she’s not a wise investment, emotionally or financially.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Signs that SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

I like to imagine we have all found ourselves in this predicament…. But maybe it’s just me? Lol Either way I have definitely found myself questioning, overthinking, analysing and justifying the words and actions of someone I thought of as a friend, and whether or not they felt the same way about me.

After reading this article on www.sciencealert.com, written by Bec Crew on 01 May 2018, entitled “Only Half Of Your Friends Actually Like You, Science Reveals.” I thought it was time to write a post describing some of the signs I have experienced or friends of mine have experienced that let you know your friend may fall into the half that doesn’t really like you that much. Sigh.

It’s important to note that any one of these signs does not qualify as conclusive proof that your friend doesn’t like you. We all get busy, have stuff going on, withdraw due to stress or drop the friendship ball from time to time. Some of us are flakier than others and show friendships in different ways. But if you recognise most or all of these signs from a particular friend, it may be time to start growing some different connections.

The only other thing I want to add before we go on, is to question yourself too, and make sure your expectations are reasonable. Neediness will make people with healthy boundaries quite uncomfortable, so if you are asking for too much, again, the advice is grow more connections in different directions instead of asking one person to meet ALL your friendship needs. Not meeting one or 2 is not a sign that your friend doesn’t like you, it is a sign you must make new friendships to meet those needs in other ways.

1. She takes DAYS to answer your messages.

So you texted your friend to see if she wants to go to the movies Friday night and she doesn’t get back to you until the Sunday after. She either comes at you with an excuse, or just acts as though it never happened. If she gets back to you at all. The first time it happened you let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt, but now it seems to be becoming a pattern. You want to believe whatever excuse she gives you because it hurts less than accepting this: She’s just not that into you!

2. You always initiate plans, and she usually cancels them.

If it is starting to feel like you are bothering your friend when you ask for her time and attention, it might be time to accept that she doesn’t want to give you any. Either she is too polite to say no, so she says yes and cancels later, often at the last minute, or she never has any intention of following through. Granted there are people who jam pack their social calendar, agreeing to more than they can actually do, and always letting people down as a consequence. If however it always seems to be you who gets dropped off the list, that tells you everything you need to know.

3. She never makes you a priority.

It doesn’t matter if you just got a promotion at work, had a baby, or broke a leg, you just know that she wont be there for you. She will forget to call, make excuses not to attend the party or the hospital, and will never send a gift or a card. She never checks in just to see how you are, and spends most of the time you do see her spouting on about how busy she is and how much SHE has going on. She expects you to be there for her, but puts no effort in, making you question what you actually get in return for your friendship? She will find another audience, time for you to exit stage left!

4. Your time together is limited.

While she does make the effort to catch up with you once a month or so, it is always somewhere impersonal like a café, and there is always a reason it can only be for an hour or less. She spends the time checking her watch and you feel as if she is relieved when your time together is over. She probably is. This is more common with long term friends who have drifted apart. There is a sense of obligation to keep up your connection, but nobody likes to feel their friendship is obligatory do they?

5. Conversation is strained.

Sure, some people are more private than others, but if it feels like you are interviewing your friend and she is giving one word answers (in person, on the phone or over text/messaging/email) then you are probably not wrong in assuming she is trying to end the conversation. There is, of course, a difference between not wanting to talk about a certain subject, than not wanting to talk to you at all. So if you change the subject and still find your friend seems to be avoiding engaging and continuing the conversation you’d be right in assuming she wants it to end. We all have times we can’t talk right now, but if she always communicates like this with you then I believe she is trying to tell you she doesn’t want to keep communicating with you.

6. Her body language is closed.

Assuming you’re not sitting in the snow, and your friend isn’t autistic, folded arms, lack of eye contact, lack of appropriate facial expressions, or nodding, or being glued to her phone etc… are all signals that your friend is disinterested, and probably not listening to you. Obviously asking if there is something on her mind, would be the first response, however if this pattern of disinterest continues each time you encounter her, and she never remembers anything you spoke about last time, then you have your answer. No she wasn’t listening and no, she probably doesn’t care that much.

7.  They never ask you to do anything, but are always telling you when they do things with others.

Or they forget your birthday, even a big one, yet make a big fuss of another friends birthday, host a party and invite you to it! If every catch up they tell you how much time they have spent with everyone else, what they did to celebrate, what’s happening to whom in their life, but never seem to know what is going on in your life, that is a pretty big clue that they are capable of showing interest in friends… the ones they like anyway!

8. They only talk to you when they want something.

Now I sound disturbingly like my mother, but her point has merit. If you only ever hear from someone when they want something, like babysitting their kid, yet are busy whenever you need a favour, you might well start feeling a little used. While your friends love language may well be acts of service, if she is not speaking to you in your love language then you are within your rights to start declining to help her out much more often. If she just wants a babysitter there are services she can call.

9. They never call, and they never answer when you call.

Ok, I was reluctant to write this one because I don’t much like speaking on the phone. I wouldn’t call it a phobia so much as it just isn’t my preferred contact method. That said I have at least 2 friends who much prefer a call to a text. They do understand that where I can I will text them back if I couldn’t answer… but if I can answer, I will, and if I need to, I will call back. This is even worse if they are always taking their other friends calls when you are with them. There’s no avoiding this one, if someone is always glued to their phone, except when you call, they probably don’t want to talk to you.

10. You just FEEL like they don’t really like you.

Maybe they quite bluntly criticize you, question your character, challenge you, put you down or make jokes at your expense. Perhaps they pressure you or try to change you, or just never seem open and comfortable around you like a guard is always up. Or maybe you can’t quite pinpoint what it is specifically but your gut is telling you that their friendship seems false or fake somehow. Follow your instincts.

Your friend is not a bad person, but you deserve friends who meet your need to feel happy, safe secure, seen, heard and valued. If you are left questioning these things, get out there and see who else could fill the gaps! I don’t recommend having a conversation with your friend about this, as you meet new people you will genuinely pull back from these friendships naturally. If they want you in their life, they will notice your absence and do something to change it.

If people don’t want to be your friend, you can’t force it, but on the bright side, when someone does want to be your friend, when they do like you, you JUST know!! Honestly. If you don’t know, that might be your answer! Sorry!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t waste time worrying about this. Go find friends that like you just the way you are!