Coming up with conversation

I like chatty people. The kind who overshare about the details of their lives quickly and easily. Their lives always seem so interesting and if I’m honest, I rely on them sometimes to keep up the conversation. Any time there is a lull in conversation I have a few back up questions I can usually fall back on that will happily keep them chatting about themselves.

However I also know this attitude quickly leads to one sided friendships, whereby there isn’t room for me to exist. I simply become a passive listener, and while I offer a great deal I don’t get much back. (Or vice versa if my friend employs a similar strategy!) I have touched on my inability to share before. I like to be asked before I will open up. I like to feel like my friends know me, listen to me and remember details about things I shared. If they ask, I will be an open book. Mostly.

If I have been let down before by a friend who didn’t listen or support me in the ways I hoped, I often wont open up again. Once bitten twice shy I suppose. However that really only applies to the things that are closest to my heart. While my chatty friends will often disclose their deepest darkest secrets, they can also happily fill the silence with the latest updates on their car service, what they had for breakfast and the latest specials at the shops. It dawned on me recently that I rely on questions to carry the conversation, when what I could be doing is offering up and sharing more of myself.

Funny that I hadn’t connected the dots there before, that the very thing I like about other people is something I fail to deliver. I know myself well enough to know that I find it hard to open up about issues close to my heart without being invited to share. However, there is nothing to stop me from thinking about the little details of my life worth sharing.

I think part of this block pertains to self esteem, and not thinking that my life is interesting enough for conversation. Sure it’s not thrilling that recently I went to the dentist , did the grocery shopping and was short changed my rewards points, and was involved in a minor car accident, but it’s better than watching paint dry or making my friend feel interrogated by a thousand questions.

It will take a little practise on my part, and some preparations before a catch up to make a little mental note (or even an actual note in my phone) about the small details of my life that might be interesting to share. I do try not to drone on about the children to people who don’t have kids for example, but stating that I have much organising to do for my son’s transition to high school, or that I had to bake 30 cupcakes for the fete seems acceptable.

I have no reason to believe my own news is any more or less interesting than anyone else’s. I do know that part of my aversion is that small talk of this nature feels somewhat like a barrier to closeness. That said, it’s a start. A step to practise creating room for myself to participate equally in conversation and give my friend a break from talking too!

Some things to think about if you also struggle with conversations

“What was the highlight of your week?”
“What are you looking forward to next week?”
“Did you do anything out of the ordinary recently?”

“Did you see any movies or theatre productions or shows?”
“Are there any hobbies, projects or goals you have been working on?”
 
Remember it doesn’t matter how small or mundane, sometimes the little things make a big difference. A friend recently told me she gave herself permission to throw away all the single socks in the house and just buy new ones. Not only was it amusing and true, it made me think about my own sock situation and give myself permission to do the same!!

What small things have come up in conversation that made a big difference to your life?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

PS Don’t forget next Thursday 13th Feb  is GALentines/PALentines day! Hope you find meaningful ways to celebrate!

Maybe the most meaningful conversations start out as little meaningless ones. Just talking at all is a good start.

Friends of different ages and different stages

When we are in school, we tend to make friends pretty much the same age as us. As school starts so young, it is no surprise that we are drawn to our peers. We don’t expect a 4 year old to have anything in common with a newborn or a 12 year old or for them to be interested in each other. We spend on average 14 years in the schooling system alone, alongside these people. Many of us then go on to further study, where we might well meet more new friends, however most of those new people are likely to be in our age range too.

It isn’t really until we branch out on our own into the world, working and joining communities or interest groups that we are suddenly thrust into environments where we are expected to make friends with people much older or more experienced than ourselves. People with whom we don’t immediately see any common ground. People we may judge and equally may often judge us in return. It can be a rude awakening from the cliquey world of peers from which we have emerged, although often a welcome reprieve too.

When you first find yourself surrounded by people older than you, it seems unlikely that friendships will develop, however just like school, you end up spending more time with these people than your friends and family, and get to know each other beyond initial assumptions you start to see the real value in friends of different ages.

These are the people that round your personality, expose you to wider world views and help you grow and learn about life and yourself. They are the ones guiding you through real life experiences and sharing knowledge that only experience brings. Introducing you to hobbies, beliefs, mucic, food and goals you may never have considered before. The people you initially thought you would have nothing in common with can fast become your mentors and friends.

As you get older yourself, you also start to enjoy friendships with people younger than yourself too and experience the same curiosity about what is new these days for the younger crowd, and enjoy living vicariously and offering support and advice as they navigate life. That’s not to say they can’t enlighten or support you too. They certainly do, as fresh perspectives of young people not weighed down by the worries of the world sometimes offer a simple perspective that cuts through the grease and gives you permission to think about yourself.

The problem with age gaps in friendships doesn’t seem to present as much as an issue as the stages of life people are in. People in their teens and 20’s lives are generally all about themselves. They enjoy a freedom many of the rest of us envy. They’re up for after work drinks and dinners every night and only have to think of themselves financially. They’re often dating and partying. People in their 30’s and 40’s lives tend to be more family focused. These are the people who don’t have time for themselves, they’re busy raising young families, and paying off mortgages and establishing careers. These people are the ones who are the closest in age to the youngest people, however probably have the least in common. People in their 50’s and 60’s are rediscovering their freedoms, enjoying the most perks of responsibility and freedom. They’re experienced, established, confident and comfortable. They pave the way for the rest, leading by examples and experiences, both positive and negative. These are the people who understand how it is to be in the other stages in life and offer unique perspectives and supports based on real experiences.  People in their 70’s and above are starting to retire and slow down. They have more time than most of the other age ranges, but can sometimes struggle with ways to fill that time.

Ironically this probably makes them the most compatible with the youngest group, however once they are out of the workforce, exposure to new younger generations becomes limited. These are the people with the most patience and understanding because they have been there and done that!! However this is easily the most isolated group.

When we make friends in our 30’s for example with other parents, we have so much in common, even if we are in our mid 40’s and they are in early 30’s. However as the children grow and go their separate ways, you may find these friendships fade too, because what you had in common was all that held you together. Similarly when you leave the workforce to retire, the friends you held there tend to fade too, as you realise what you shared in common may have been more the environment rather than interests.

That’s not to say these friendships between the generations cannot last and prove meaningful, of course they can, but we must be patient and understanding of each other and our stage of life, and really make the effort not to let those stages dictate our friendships.

Just like any other friendship it takes work, we must make concerted effort to stay in touch, show we care and be there for one another. To not be judgmental or condescending or try to tell each other how to live your lives, instead trying to be understanding and kind.

Not all friendships were made to last though and that is ok. So enjoy the friendships you have, and be sure to keep an open mind about people from all stages and people of all ages. We all have value and something to offer, and can all learn from one another. You’ll probably be surprised when you realise the misconceptions you might hold turn out just to be barriers between yourselves and others.

And remember, we all go through all the stages, so be kind and respectful and look for similarities you can learn from instead of differences you can’t understand. In both directions.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Love Vs Like

I love my husband. I like my husband. I consider him a friend as well as my partner and our solid friendship provides a solid foundation for our relationship and our marriage. That said, I smiled guiltily when I read this article in That’s Life!

Women prefer their best friend to their husband?! I can’t say I’m surprised by these statistics, honestly! Upon further thought, I’d be surprised if men didn’t prefer their best mate to their wives too! There’s something about friends that make them so much more enjoyable than your romantic partner, after that honeymoon period expires in your relationship that is!

I’ve often wondered why this is. I like my friends. I love them, too. I wonder if the order of those sentiments is important?! I suspect there’s a clue there.

I think, personally, that there’s something powerful about same sex bonds. An understanding that just isn’t entirely possible between the sexes. The more similarities you share in terms of experiences, the more relatable and rewarding these friendships are.

My husband has a best mate at work. They are both married. They both have a child that existed before the relationships with their wives. They both hold senior status at work. They share similar language. They both enjoy the same types of music and both unwind playing online games.

When I compare that to what my husband and I have in common, it’s no surprise when his mate scores way higher. Not only do they share interests, and a sense of humour, they also share stresses that most other people can’t relate to directly. A burden shared is a burden halved, but a burden understood is a much lighter load!

When I think of my own female friends though, I think of the things we don’t share in common…. like our houses, our finances and our relationships. If conversation is the fuel of friendships then the fact that we have new updates for one another about our respective lives definitely keeps the sparks alive. As does the fact that we relate to the stresses and can usually do this relating over a mutually enjoyable activity. Not that we need an activity, talking is the main event anyway.

I wont lie, quite often our conversation revolves around our relationships, as does our humour. It stands to reason that we’d enjoy venting to our friends about our relationships if it leads to bonding and laughter, as opposed to the same conversation resulting in defensiveness and arguments if it were shared with our partners!

This is particularly true if I’m talking to my “mum friends” with children who also have autism. Discussing the particular difficulties we face, as well as the mental load we carry for the family (as discussed here) can see us sharing tears of frustrations, followed by tears of laughter in the space of minutes because talking to someone who understands your stress knows just the joke to make you laugh when you couldn’t imagine cracking a smile.

I also wonder if sex has anything to do with this. I wonder because that’s the one area of our lives that we (usually) don’t share with our friends. Physically that is. I’m sure we actually do share the gory details even if we don’t admit it to our other halves!!! I think the fact that we don’t have this expectation, or this pressure there helps. Friends love us, our company and offer support, without asking for anything physical in return. The same can’t always be said for relationships, with that transaction looming in the air.

Although we often say we want a partner who is a best friend, I don’t know if that’s realistic. Most of you would probably agree that even if you could imagine it, a relationship with your bestie would likely smother the flames.

I think it’s ok to like your friends more than your partner. Equally it’s ok to love your partner more, or differently at least, to your friends. You committed to your partner and with that comes a level of responsibility that your friendships don’t carry. There’s a freedom with friends. We can have many, and our separateness, ironically is what binds us.

Maybe it’s a bit like having grandkids; all the fun with none of the responsibility?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How often should you talk to your friends?

Last week we discussed leaning too heavily on your friends for emotional or psychological support. That lead me to think about the frequency of communication between friends, and how often is considered normal. 

I have a few friends who I talk to pretty much every day. Some I speak to weekly, others on a more casual basis when one of us has something to say. I am the first to admit that I struggle with this issue, and I have lost friends because my expectations of our communication were too high, or conversely too low. It seems each person has their own idea of how often they would like to engage with a friend, and although it can be circumstantial, it can also be confusing!!!

I have had a few friends who really valued the fact that I was prepared to engage them in conversation on a daily basis. One even commented with pride that we had spoken every day since we met, and it seemed agreeable to us both. Somehow we were always engaged in one big long never ending dialogue about everything and nothing. If this friend and I didn’t speak for a morning even, the silence was palpable. It felt wrong, like there was tension if we didn’t communicate, regardless of the fact that there had been no tension in the last communication. Too close for comfort perhaps?

too much of a good thing perhaps?

While my circumstances dictate that I can engage people in this way, I have other friends who are far too busy to communicate in that way. Our communication is basically limited to arranging our next catch up and we will do our talking then. We usually don’t see each other often and the feeling that I am bothering them if I do message looms in the background. Like they want to end the conversation, quickly. Chatting seems unnatural. We probably don’t talk often enough for comfort?

Other friends communicate heaps when they are having problems, and then you might go months without speaking at all when things are going well for you both. The person with the greater dilemma in this instance initiates more communication than would otherwise arise, circumstances dictate how much time and attention you have to give each other at any given moment. Sometimes a response isn’t as important as having vented what you wanted to say to begin with.

Some friends you communicate with more on your own terms and other friends it is more on theirs. This can be quite anxiety provoking. If I have a friend who usually checks in each day and I don’t hear from them, I will start to ruminate over what I have done to upset them. This is silly because other friends can go months before I will even notice the silence, and usually I will just say “hi, how’s things, haven’t spoken to you in ages!” Added to that most of the time if a friend who is chatty goes quiet it’s because she left her phone at home or had a really busy day. Logically I know that, but part of me still panics.

For people with the time and ability to communicate daily, anything less can be anxiety provoking, and can lead people to friendship flings. These are friendships which start out hot and heavy but ultimately fizzle out or implode after a short time. Communicating daily meets their needs for time, attention, feeling liked, valued, wanted and welcomed. Unfortunately communicating daily can become forced and feel like an obligation. It is difficult to sustain and remain interested for too long.  If you are someone who struggles with this, perhaps bring it up with a professional who can help you learn to have better boundaries and help you learn how to feel like you exist and matter in healthier ways.

For me, I have had to learn not to focus on how often the person talks to me and instead focus on the conversations. Do I find them rewarding, and enjoyable? Or do they leave me wanting to end them quickly and escape? To focus on quality not quantity. To communicate more in person and less in written means, although I definitely prefer the written word, it can be damaging. To speak on the phone to my friends who prefer to call. Not to engage too much in conversations when I don’t have time to do so, and to accept that my friends may not have time to talk to me much and it doesn’t mean they like me any less.

Ultimately for me, real face to face time is what I need from my friends. Regardless of how much we do or don’t communicate. So if you find yourself feeling anxious about read but unanswered messages (even though you have seen them online!!) lol or stressed about what that comment actually meant, that is a reminder you just need to spend some time with your friend if possible. (Video chat is the next best thing) because you can see their face, you can read their body language, and you can talk about way more things in the space of the same time than you could message.

Remember a hug says a thousand words and there’s nothing like laughing together to forge connections. As much as I like messaging my friends, it is much better to just see them more and talk to them less. That way we can both live life and have somethings left to say when we do see each other. It seems to be healthier and more sustainable too!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends are not therapists.

Although many people have encouraged me to go and study to become a therapist, let me assure you I am not a therapist. Human emotions and interactions fascinate and intrigue me, and I love to talk about them. Relationships and friendships present so many complicated issues which I enjoy discussing. I love bouncing theories off others and speculating for the thought processes behind certain actions, to try and understand different perspectives and how they influence us.

As a result of this most of my friends are deep thinkers. Many of us are over thinkers. We can talk for hours about life, mainly about our relationships with other people and trying to make sense of nonsense. We feel connected to one another in this way and show each other caring by participating in discussions that are very important to us. Showing an interest in someone’s struggles is a bonding exercise, and being there to support one another forms a massive basis for the foundations of our connection.

Sometimes that means we will be talking all night, then again everyday for the next week or more. Relationship issues often feel urgent, and when we talk it out with our friends, we feel as though we are coming towards a solution, venting…. Doing something instead of nothing. However, often times, nothing is exactly what we are doing. We are looking for ways to stay in something we know we should not stay in. Or we are looking for our friends to validate that our actions or expectations are reasonable. We are looking for someone to agree that how we feel is understandable. We might be looking for perspectives we hadn’t considered so we can justify poor actions (theirs or our own) and we are looking for someone to tell us it will all be ok.

Friends are great at that. Friends are free, and can usually give you longer than an hour. Friends are definitely a benefit to our mental health, when they connect, care, listen and understand us. All that said, friends also sugar coat things, let things slide, and often allow or even encourage you to stay stuck. Not through any malice, but because as it stands they see no reason for you to change – your connection with them is strong. Not to mention that our friends tend to see us through rose coloured glasses to an extent.

Friends are not indifferent though. Friends have their own lives, and at times their own agenda’s. They are not trained, and probably don’t know how to properly advise you. As someone who friends tend to lean on heavily for mental support, I often end up letting them down. I offer more support than I can sustain long term and burn myself out trying to be there for my friends. While the energy starts off sparking connection, it often ends up consuming it.

Perhaps that is because I tend to support my friends without asking for the same support in return. Or perhaps it is because I grow tired eventually of the same conversation. Or perhaps it is because my friendships are so support based that we often don’t counterbalance the heaviness with enough fun and laughter. It is probably all these things and more. But mainly it is because I am not a therapist. I am a friend.

We don’t always want to listen to someone who wont help themselves. We don’t always want to be available 24/7 to someone who only calls when they have problems and never asks how you are. We start to wonder if the person likes us for who we are or for the support that we offer? We start to question if they realise that we have lives outside of them that require our time and attention? We start to feel drained because it feels as if we are giving more than we are receiving. Even if they are listening to us in equal measure, we can start to associate them with the drama’s and problems we sometimes want to escape.

Sure, we can’t drink wine and plot fantasy revenge on our ex with our therapist and friends are good for that. Seriously though if you feel stuck, if you are consumed and unsure what to do, you need to seek the help of a professional. You need to value their advice even when they didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear the way your friends always do. Sometimes we need to face hard truths, and at the end of the day we need to get through things on our own.

Don’t let your friendship get so heavy it sinks. Sometimes you don’t even realise you’re drowning the people who are trying to save you, and they are too far under to tell you often until it is too late.

Friendships supplement therapy, they aren’t enough to substitute it. Be careful not to use your friends as therapists, or you might end up paying the price for the free advice.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Just remember to take drunk advice sparingly!

Reaching Out For Reconciliation.

Falling out with friends isn’t easy, but it happens whether we want it to or not. We can’t force everyone to agree all the time, and we can’t control their feelings or responses to things, nor what they do, say, think or feel. We all have triggers, and boundaries and values. If these lines are crossed, it can spell the end of the friendship. Sadly, this can happen when we least expect it, and even if the friendship is extremely close and or long standing.

What is not out of our control however, is what we do about it. While I am a big advocate for letting go of people who want to leave your life, I am also a believer in second chances. Not everyone who left your life should return to it, however, if you do take some time apart, you can reflect back on the friendship, how you could have been better and how you would like things to proceed in the future.

There are definitely friendships that have ended for me, that I feel should stay that way. While these endings were nothing short of heart breaking at the time, and I can look back on them and see the positives, I can either see that we had been moving in different directions for a while and the split was inevitable, or I just see no way that we could move forward positively. It’s not that I am glad those friendships have ended, I’m not. I’m just not really sad about it anymore. I have reached a place of acceptance about the way things are and I don’t feel the need to revisit things.

There was someone though, who I did still miss, still want to speak to again and with whom I felt a friendship was still possible, under the right circumstances. Question was, did she feel the same way? Had too much time passed between us in silence? Was she still hurting or angry about our split? Would she be open to communicating with me again, or would my presence after all this time be an unwelcome intrusion into her life? All these questions, and fear of the unknown held me back from reaching out to her, for over 2 years.

Still contemplating things for that long, never having reached a natural indifference about our ending, I decided to set myself a new year’s challenge to reach out to her, and blog about the results! As someone with a tendency to believe in spiritual guidance through signs from the universe, you can imagine my surprise then, when this friend popped up unexpectedly on a social media platform we both use. Although it wasn’t quite new year yet, this seemed like a sign that meant the time for action was now or never, so I sent her a request, and waited gingerly for her response.

When she hadn't responded a week later, I had to decide if I was ready to accept defeat, or contact her properly. It wasn’t an easy choice, because she hadn’t responded to my request, so it seemed likely that this was not going to work out the way I had hoped if I decided to reach out again. However, I tried to put myself in her position and thought I probably wouldn’t be too happy to accept my request either. I reflected back to a time when someone who left my life decided to zombie her way back into it, and how unimpressed I was that she felt we could just start up again as though there were no painful history there between us. So I had to assume my friend was feeling similarly. A bit like this song here, by Kate Miller Heidke! Lol (Language warning, don’t open this link loudly at work!)

My friend was so similar to me, that I had to conclude that even if she had wanted to hear from me, she probably wouldn’t be open to a reconciliation initiated by a social media request. I owed her a conversation, or an explanation at least, and I wanted her to have it. I reflected back to the advice I wrote in the past, about letting go of any expectations about the outcome or response of my friend, and just saying what I wanted to say. Maybe she would respond, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be happy to hear from me, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be torn about it as I had been. I would never know if I didn’t try. Really try.

So I drafted a long email to my friend. My friend is also a blogger, so we always communicated easily via long emails. I knew the content was more important than the length. I also knew, a short “hey, how have you been?” was NOT going to suffice. After some edits and a few days, I was ready to take the plunge and send it. I chose to send it from an email I don’t usually use, although one I knew she would recognise, because I did not have access to it on my phone. I did not want to be constantly checking for her reply. I also sent it in the evening, because then I could sleep, I knew there was unlikely to be a reply before the next day. So I pressed send and put it out of my mind.

In the email I wrote that I had missed her, thought of her often and I was sorry for our parting. I acknowledged that she might not want to respond and I understood and respected that choice. I explained the reasons behind my actions in the past, and apologised for not handling things better. I stated that I would love to hear from her if she felt similarly, or had any words she wanted to share in return, however I had no expectation of our future.

I went about my business the next day feeling anxious, but lighter. You can imagine my surprise when I checked my email later that day and found her reply had come in that same night and her opening line referenced what a lovely surprise it was to hear from me. She even referenced that she knew I’d be anxiously waiting for her reply, and she didn’t want me refreshing my inbox constantly. This person “gets” me!

Our parting was painful and complicated, however we never stopped liking each other. Circumstances dictated that some time apart was necessary while we grew in different directions and she needed some space to do that. Circumstances are still complicated, and therefore I don’t know what the future holds.  We have not caught up in person yet, however we have enjoyed chatting to one another online. It turns out by the time I sent her the request, she had unjoined the platform for personal reasons, and never saw my request! So what I assumed was a rejection actually was not?

Our friendship can’t be what it used to be at this time in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold value. I feel so much better to be speaking again and to have cleared the air between us. It isn’t perfect, it isn’t simple. My friend has mentioned that she thought of me too over the years and even saw me out and about in the past, without saying hello. While I understand this, and perhaps she wasn’t ready, it does trigger some insecurity in me that maybe she didn’t feel as strongly as I felt if she didn’t reach out herself. But ultimately this is semantics. Someone has to go first and this time I decided it would be me.

I am so happy I took the risk and reconnected with an old friend, and offered us both some closure, while ironically reopening the book to write another chapter.

If you are wondering about reaching out to an old friend after some time apart, the best question you can ask yourself is “Is the friendship worth the risk?” You’ll know the answer in your heart and if you hesitate that is just fear. It is a new year, face your fears. You might be happy you did.

Good Luck with your friendships in 2020 and thanks for reading.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Year... New You!

I cannot believe this year is already coming to a close. Alas, it is, so we must take this time to reflect on the year that has passed and how we can be better next year. I know we all do the best we can with limited time, resources and patience, but there is always room for improvement.

Reflecting on this past year, have you spent enough time with your friends? Have you prioritised social time? If the answer is no, that should be your first goal for the new year. Friendships take time to flourish and if you aren’t ever spending any time together they will probably start to flounder.

Maybe you have spent time with your friends, but have you put in any real effort? Is it always them that have to contact you? Is it always them who makes the plans, does the orgainising, gets the tickets and picks you up? Pop a reminder in your phone to check in with people once a week – Friendship Friday’s remember?! Lol Look up some local events or activities you have wanted to try and invite someone along. Organise everything yourself and offer to drive! You don’t have to do all the heavy lifting all the time, but I bet it will mean the world to your friend that you offer sometimes and you’re prepared to make the effort.

Do your friends know what they mean to you? Why not write out a simple Happy New years message for each friend ready to send on the first of January letting them know how much they mean to you and how grateful you are for your friendship? Sometimes it can be hard to express these things to people, so take advantage of the big occasions and let your friends know you care.

Do you support your friends? I have a friend who avoids me when she is on a diet. Lol Not because I sabotage her, but because we enjoy things together that aren’t conductive to weight loss as a general rule. To show my support I could start planning activities for us after lunch and before dinner for example, that don’t require food, and preferably do require movement. Mini Golf anyone? While I am never going to be the person who tells her “Don’t eat that.” I will definitely order a salad with her next time!

Speaking of telling someone what to eat, do you tell your friends what to do and how to live their lives? Try to be patient with your friend who always fails at the diet, goes back to the wrong partner, stays in an unhappy job or marriage or complains about the same things and never does anything to change it. Always use a little more kindness than is necessary and remember we are all on our own paths. Focus on their positive points and encourage them to make their own choices for themselves.

Of course, all this is only applicable if you have friends to begin with. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, then the first thing you need to put on your list is make friends. Make a list of 5 different challenges to make friends. Examples, try an app, join a club, volunteer, ask a co-worker or mother of a child’s friend for her number (or give them yours) or become a member of a support group for something you are struggling with.

If you feel you have many acquaintances but no close friends, try to expand the relationship by taking it beyond the current limits. (Only see one another at church? Suggest coffee at a nearby place afterwards? Only talk about gardening? Expand a little by talking about how your partner isn’t into gardening and you wish they were? Only meet every 6 months? Ask to meet after 3?) Be the change you wish to see, as they say?

The last thing I want to say, although it might be the most important is love and accept yourself as you are. Talk positively to yourself the way you would to a friend or the way you hope a friend would talk to you. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and others, trust as often as you can and let go of grudges. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

This past year I have lost friends, made friends, reconciled with friends, hurt people, withdrawn and walked away, apologised, laughed, spent more quality time on the friendship with my husband, invested in new people…. It is all part of the journey.  Up’s and downs, waxing and waning, swings and roundabouts. Here’s to more of the good stuff and less of the bad in 2020!

Thanks for staying with me for another year! (or for joining me if you are a newbie!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Spreading Love to your Solo Friends at Xmas

Please Note: While this post is specifically about our single friends, it applies equally to anyone in our lives who may not be blessed with lots of family or friends at this time of year to surround themselves with or who may find the holidays especially hard or lonely, whether they be single or not…..

I have a single friend who lives alone. Every Christmas I buy her a little Christmas stocking so she can have something to open on Christmas morning, and feel some of the Christmas magic. It just includes little things, a few treats for the dogs, a box of chocolates, a cheap bottle of wine, some sort of soaps or scented candles… you get the drift. If I can sneak it into her house, I will. I try to hide it somewhere she wont look and then send a message on Christmas morning saying “Santa has been! Look under your spare bed…” or something. I like it if she films herself opening them or takes photo’s of herself with her gifts.

It’s just a little way that I show her that I care, and want to make her Christmas special because I love Christmas morning and I wish she wasn’t alone. Why don’t I just invite her here then? Because she hosts a brunch, for all her other single friends later on Christmas morning. What a wonderful idea, to surround yourself with the other people in your life who might not have company otherwise.

The thing is, it can be especially tough being single at Christmas time, even if your friend is generally content to be single most of the time. Christmas day for me, can be hectic, trying to fit in our own private family time in the morning so the kids can open their gifts, then packing away hopefully before heading to lunch at my husband’s parents then hurrying along from that to my own parent’s place for dinner. However, if you are single, without kids, and your family is doing a dinner, that leaves you alone all day at a time when you believe the rest of the world is surrounded by love and cheer.

Not to mention you can’t halve the expense with anyone, have to be your own designated driver and make your own lunch if your family thing is at dinner time. So, what are some ways you can reach out to your single friends on Christmas Day?

If you can invite them to something with you and yours, then do so. They might decline, but doesn’t mean they weren’t touched to be invited. If you can’t include them in your day, then, here is some ideas to let them know you were thinking of them.

If you are cooking a meal in advance, pop aside a spare plate and take it to them on Christmas Eve. If possible, include a movie or a puzzle or a book they might enjoy to give them something to relax and enjoy quietly. Actually you could do this even if you aren’t bringing them food.

Message them throughout the day. Many people I know send a Merry Christmas message out to their nearest and dearest on Christmas morning, however if you can spare a minute or so, check in with them a few times during the day. If you know you will be busy and can’t be tied to your phone, search for some funny memes, meaningful quotes or cute pictures that might make them smile. This just lets your friend know you haven’t forgotten them. I like to take a picture of my friend’s pets and make it into a cute meme that says “Merry Woofmas Meowmy.”

If you see any voluntary things your friend might enjoy participating in, send them the link or suggest it to them in person. Sometimes helping others is the greatest gift you can give.

Send them on a scavenger hunt for their present. You could set this up in their garden the day before for example, if you can see a safe/dry/warm place to hide the gift.

Write them a meaningful card/letter to be opened on Christmas day. Include all the things you love about them, how much you value the friendship and fun memories you have shared. You could include all the things they have achieved and make reference to the things they are striving for and have to look forward to in their future, reminding them that they are not alone, you are never far away.

If your friend lives far away, arrange flowers or something to be delivered on the day as a surprise if possible.

Do your own Christmas celebration with them on a different day, make it just as merry with foods, gifts, music and laughter. Boxing day is often a good choice.

If all else fails, just make time to call them. In the morning, in the evening, whenever. Just put aside 5 minutes and call. If they don’t answer, leave a voice message and let them know you thought of them today and you wanted to send some love.

What are the things you do for your friends in the Festive Season? Merry Christmas Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Catching Up at Christmas.... with who?

I love Christmas. I love the trees and lights and decorations and cheesy movies. The gifts, the shopping, the wrapping, the music and even all the preparing. It’s just such a happy time of year.  The drinks are flowing, the food is rich and indulgent and friends and family celebrate together from near and far….

Or do they? While the aforementioned cheesy movies do indeed paint us a picture of large gatherings including all our friends and family, perhaps that is why I like them? They are selling me a dream of how Xmas should be in a perfect world. Alas, in my experience it is far from the world we live in.

Take my Christmas day for example. In August my mother in law asked me to bring my parents over to their house for Christmas day lunch. The kids could swim (it is summer here, remember) and the adults could supervise from the airconditioned padio extension while chatting, eating and drinking. Sounds good, and when we did it last year, it was good. However, last year my brother was away for Christmas day and this year he isn’t.  Well, my mother in law doesn’t like large gatherings, so although my parents were invited to the gathering, my brother, his wife and children, and possibly her extended family, were not included. Not to mention my uncle who is visiting for the holidays from the UK. So I asked my own mother what her plans were, and she informed me we were all going to my brother’s place this year for lunch.

Are you keeping up? So I confirmed the plans with my brother, then I had to ask mother in law if we could do a dinner with them instead, as we would be having lunch with my brother this year. Nope. My mother in law specifically wants to do a lunch. Ok, we agree that Boxing day lunch with them will suffice, and she says she will book them in for a fancy restaurant for lunch on Christmas day instead. (They will be alone on Christmas day now, because my husband is their only living child) Except then my brother calls in November, to say his own mother in law has refused to travel to them for Christmas lunch and is insisting that my brother and his family travel to them for lunch that day. As it is quite a drive to where they live and he doesn’t want to rush back up in the heat, can we do Boxing day with them he asks? Sigh. No, I tell him that wont be possible as I just promised my mother in law Boxing day lunch.

So my mother is now hosting a dinner at her house. This is nice, as it will be the last time we all gather for Xmas in my childhood home before the new chapter in my parent’s life begins. My mother in law will be invited but is unlikely to attend. My husband is pleased with this arrangement as he hates rushing around from place to place on Christmas day and not getting the chance to relax and have the kids enjoy their gifts. If we open gifts in the morning as a family and then they play and he relaxes while I clear everything away (the same things I planned, bought, wrapped, set out, counted etc…) then we will be ready to go to mums…..

Except, then my husband’s roster changed and now he is meant to be working on Boxing day….. So yeah, I’m annoyed!!! The visions of everyone coming together are fantasies for a reason. It has to end somewhere and it just isn’t practical. And we have a relatively small family. For split families and people with huge extended families it must be a logistical nightmare!!!

And that is just family. What about friends? While I do what I can to check in with my friends on Christmas day, there just really isn’t time to include them. One of my friends hosts a brunch for her other single friends, and I simply love this idea, but for those of us with partners and kids etc…. it simply isn’t practical.

Someone wrote in asking me to touch on this topic specifically, this isn’t just a venting session. Haha While the movies see us making more time for our friends at this time of year, in reality it seems we use this time of year for family, extended family, obligations, and catch up’s with people from far and wide. Those out of town/state/country friends and family rather than the people we turn to for support in our daily lives.

Think of that person you always call on in an emergency, or the one who babysits for you, or the one who’s always giving you favours and advice throughout the year? The movies would have us believe that these are the people we celebrate with, the people we fuss over and can’t wait to spoil. In reality it seems these are the people we actually forget in favour of everyone else who isn’t there for us, whether it’s because they can’t be or not.  I have to admit when you think about it, it does leave a sour taste in your mouth.

So what can we do about it? Why don’t we try to make Friendship Xmas celebration? Like Festive Fifteenth – Friends only!! Make it just like xmas day, plan it early so everyone can make allowances and commit to it. Invite all the people you are close to everyday, not just the ones you are close to at Christmas? And if you are feeling a bit sour, then I’m talking to you. Plan something yourself.

Have understanding that your friends Christmas is probably 100 times more hectic and complicated than my own, and it is a time of year we use as an excuse to catch up with the people we never really get to see. This is not a bad thing, but it does suck that it comes at the expense of the everyday people who may feel excluded or forgotten or unimportant when it boils down to it.

At the end of the day, if you’re feeling excluded on Christmas day and you want to celebrate with people the onus is on you to reach out instead of sitting back and feeling sad that nobody invited you?! Maybe all your friends feel the same way? One way to find out?

Whatever your plans are and whomever they are with, I wish you all a happy, safe and stress free holidays! Ok that last one is definitely fantasy! Lol

Cheers. I’ll drink to that!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Festive Friendship Festivities

As this magical time of year rolls around again, it is time to start thinking of ideas for our friends. Sometimes friends can be the hardest to think of ideas for. We want to give them something meaningful and thoughtful, but let’s be honest, you also probably don’t have much cash to splash at the same time.

Luckily friendships is free, and if it is a labour of love, your gifts can be too. Or cheap, anyway! Lol

I’ve written a post about this before, and if you’re looking for the picture perfect gift, you want this post “5 meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season”. To make sure your friends aren’t having a crappy Christmas, check out “Friendship is a gift of giving.” For a tip on gift giving in general read “The art of gift giving – one simple tip.”

This year I want to focus on gift certificates, and relate them back to your friends love language.  I know that gift certificates are not synonymous with thoughtful gift giving, so stay with me. I am not talking about any gift vouchers you can buy at the shops. I am talking about the kind you make yourself.

First off, think about your friends love languages. (This book written by Gary Chapman.) The 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation (compliments and uplifting words and terms like proud, beautiful, amazing)
Acts of Service (cooking them a meal, babysitting, helping set up for a party)
Receiving gifts (thoughtful meaningful gifts that show you listen and you care)
Quality Time (spending uninterrupted time together in which you are present and not distracted.)
Physical Touch (feeling connected by skin to skin contact, hugs, holding hands, high fives, hair stroking.)

After you have decided what you think resonates with your friend, think about how many times a year you currently see them. Are you satisfied with the quantity of time? Are they? How about the quality? Say for example you currently see your friends 4 times a year, once every 3 months, but you would like (or you think they would like) to see each other a bit more, you could aim for 6 gift certificates and make it once every 2 months?

If I only had the power, this would be the one gift to give!

Once you know how many certificates you want to make, you can choose from the following ideas depending on her languages and her circumstances, print them off, stick them to card and decorate! Alternatively you could buy a diary or calendar and pencil your ideas in there. (Make sure you take notes in your own calendar about what you proposed and when! If you aren’t sure which love language best describes your friend, then I suggest a mixture of them all.

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Words of Affirmation.
❤Gift certificate for a secret letter you have written that will be given at a time when your friend is having a hard time or feeling down. Maybe include a picture of the sealed envelope so they know you have already written the letter.
❤Gift certificate for a treasure hunt in which the clues also contain compliments
❤Gift certificate for a speech by you at their next big celebration
❤Gift certificate for a video you made where you talk about how amazing they are and how much you value their friendship

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Acts of Service”
❤Gift certificate for a home cooked meal by you
❤Gift certificate for babysitting/being the designated driver
❤Gift certificate for feeding the pets when they are away
❤Gift Certificate for “one free favour of your choice.”

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Receiving Gifts”
❤Gift Certificate for “that cute pair of earrings you saw last month”
❤Gift Certificate for a shopping trip with me where you can spend $x (on me)
❤Gift Certificate for one emergency tub of your favourite ice-cream after a bad day. Delivered!
❤Gift Certificate for the gift that keeps on giving (one small surprise gift each month for a year)
NOTE: As this person loves receiving gifts, I recommend vouchers individually wrapped, perhaps with other token gifts like their favourite sweet treat, a bottle of wine and a photo of you both in a frame.)

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Quality Time”
❤Gift Certificate for a movie night at their place where you bring the snacks
❤Gift Certificate for a hike and a picnic (depending on their interests)
❤Gift Certificate for a board game night together – phone free
❤Gift Certificate for a whole day/date together doing something you both love (comedy, theatre, movies, day spa’s, shopping, skating, driving, visiting art galleries, knitting – whatever it is you both enjoy.)

Ideas for a friend whose love language is “Physical Touch” - a little more challenging when it comes to platonic relationships - but not impossible.
❤Gift Certificate for a long hug after a hard day no questions asked.
❤Gift Certificate for a pamper session where you do their hair/nails/facial
❤Gift Certificate for a massage (either from you or a professional.)
❤Gift Certificate for a back/head tickling session for 15 minutes.

None of these ideas have to cost the world, they all make reasons for you to spend time together and each of them are thoughtful and personal and appeal specifically to your friend. Certificates are easily downloadable at websites such as this one. https://www.123certificates.com/gift.php You don’t have to use my idea’s – be as personal and creative as you wish. Your friend will love it – and you!

Don’t forget to share your ideas too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fatal Attraction – Friendship Flings

Have you ever found that sometimes the people you feel drawn to the most are the ones who ultimately end up leaving you scarred? I have definitely noticed a pattern in my friendship flings, whereby they start suddenly and burn brightly. On reflection that should be the first warning sign that a friendship is going to be a fling, but as always I am drawn like a moth to the flame. Although it is fast and furious, I can’t deny that this instant connection, chemistry if you will, feels good.

These people often make me laugh the hardest and the loudest. We enjoy the exciting and the mundane together and we instantly feel like we are old friends despite having just met! Red flag, I know! In my defense, rose coloured glasses make it hard to see those, ok?! Lol To be fair to the others, I know they also leave burned by the experience. I am not a victim to this, I actively participate in these flings!

They are exciting and exclusive. Either because we have connected about something that not many people experience or understand, or because there is some other secret, drama or sense of false intimacy. Sometimes it is just exciting because they are excited about you. Not too many people my age prioritize friendship or get excited about it. Not very many at all are in similar circumstances. Most people honestly seem to find me dull, so when I meet someone who likes me, seeks my time and attention on a regular basis, I am easily swayed. Maybe they are too?

https://issuu.com/renmagazine/docs/the_breakup_collection/6

Sometimes this leads us to stay for the things we feel the person offers or represents, rather than who we are as people. I am good at seeing people, making them feel heard and understood. So people who feel overlooked are often drawn to that. I live a happy but not particularly interesting life, and perhaps that means I am drawn to drama. We are attracted to each other for unhealthy reasons, and become easily addicted and quickly bad for one another.

I have had friends who liked what I offer more than who I am. Friends who like the idea that I don’t work because I could be useful in helping them with errands, children, pets, organising things and generally offering other acts of service. (Note this is not a love language of mine, and I am not good at it.) Obviously that situation sours quickly as they feel I promise the world. Truth is I promised nothing and in the end that is probably exactly what I delivered! Lol Some friends have liked the idea of me, that I’d be available whenever they were and again found themselves disheartened that I couldn’t lend myself to their schedule to plug the holes in their lives. Others thought I must have money and were keen to cash in for the ride. We are hardly rich and anyway, I am pretty frugal!

That’s not to say I didn’t have my motives. Never having been a cool kid, sometimes I am drawn to the dark and dangerous. The outgoing smart and cool. Everything I think I am not. A behind the scenes look into a club I have been denied access? Living vicariously through my single friends, and comparing with my coupled ones? I have also been disappointed at what was failed to be delivered, lack of time or effort or whatever it was that I expected that wasn’t forthcoming? Adoration perhaps? My ego is bigger than I care to admit.

A part of me perhaps always looks to find the diamond in the rough. Invests in potential, and continues throwing good money after bad instead of cutting my losses. I suspect we both do this. Because these flings, they do have potential. The ingredients are there if we would just let them settle and simmer. It burns out because in our excitement we turn the heat up too high and forget that the tortoise always wins the race.

Interestingly, I think I can tell which friendships are NOT flings although I struggle to identify the ones that are. They still have the level of interest and effort, but at a much slower and less intense pace. It’s not that I like these people less (perhaps they do like me less though) it’s just that our chemistry doesn’t insist on speed.

To be honest I like friendship flings. I don’t like when they end, and they always do end, but I suspect although I now know what to call them and how to recognise them, I will still engage in them. They are fun. They are for a good time not a long time. They are not bad people even if they are bad for me. Maybe next time I can try a medium heat instead of a simmer, and maybe try to increase the heat a tiny bit on my other connections too. 

To all my friendship flings, I’m sorry we were bad for each other, but I’m glad we met. You shaped part of me and showed me things I wouldn’t have seen without you. It was fun while it lasted! I hope you found some long time friends too! Sorry I wasn’t one of them.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Interests or intimacy?

This week I wanted to explore the ways in which we spend our time and how this might be impacting our friendships. I’m the first to admit that I tend to stick to certain things when it comes to entertainment or just how I like to spend my time in general. I love the cinema for example, however I’m not usually interested in seeing the latest action film. I enjoy a game of mini golf, but usually wont bother if it means driving into the city, which is outside of my comfort zone.  I am not particularly outdoorsy either, so things like the beach or hiking don’t appeal to me.

As much as I try to be a “yes man” (or woman as the case may be) I’m unlikely to accept an invitation to go fishing no matter how much the friend making the invitation means to me. While I actually don’t think I know anyone who is particularly interested in fishing, there have been instances where I have turned down invitations that didn’t interest me particularly, in favour of being alone and doing nothing at all. Sometimes this is ok, as it is exactly what I wanted and needed to do for myself. However other times, I see the posts afterwards on social media and think “maybe I should have gone.”

That said, there have definitely been other occasions when I went to something I knew I wouldn’t enjoy, and then set a precedent and felt obliged to keep on showing up. I have for example agreed to help a friend set up her home. Thinking it would be a day activity, and we could make it fun, I happily agreed. However it somehow became our weekly project, and it wasn’t one I was thrilled about. I stopped enjoying our time together and started avoiding it. To be fair I’m not sure my friend found it particularly enjoyable either, I suppose she just wanted the company, but it wasn’t how I was interested in spending my time and she was not interested in doing anything else either. This is an example of a time when I appear to have chosen interests over intimacy.

As with most examples, there are also plenty of things I have attended with friends that did not particularly interest me, such as festivals, theme parks (I’m not particularly adventurous) home parties and expos. If my friend is particularly keen to go to these types of things, I will usually agree to go along with a little encouragement, and try to keep an open mind. I can also recall times when my friends have attended things that were much more to my tastes than their own. Friendship has to be a bit give and take like that. It doesn’t kill me to see the latest thriller movie, although it wouldn’t be my first choice, so sometimes I will go along for the sake of spending time with my friend.

Usually I will see an event that might interest me or my friend. If I think it might be ok, I will suggest it as an activity we could do together. It doesn’t matter if I’m less keen than she is, I will suggest it as a means to spend time together regardless. This tends to be a pretty good compromise…But what if I happen to make friends with someone who is only interested in fishing and camping and hiking for example, where do I draw the line? Can I share intimacy with someone if we don’t have any common interests? I mean, obviously I can because connection comes most often from sharing thoughts and feelings, but is it sustainable without any enjoyable means to spend time together?

I have to admit that the reason I sometimes say no, is because I have kinda already decided I wont enjoy myself. In these scenarios I find it is best to explore new things with new people. I also find, if you look hard enough you have something in common with most people. Both love ice cream? Trial all the parlours in your area. Both love crime shows? Start watching a series together. Or talk about things you have both never tried. Look for obscure things that might be fun; like circus lessons or cooking classes. Sometimes new people bring out new sides of you and that includes new interests.

Next time someone invites you to do something you think doesn’t interest you, ask yourself if interests or intimacy are more important to you. Think of the things they like that you don’t hate and start there. Make occasional concessions to do things you might not love just to show your friend that you are interested in spending time together and offer suggestions on things you would also like to try sometime.

Sure, you could always grab a drink or a meal, and I recommend that you do sometimes, but friendships that are all talk or all play don’t seem to be as rewarding or as lasting than those that have more balance because you enjoy things together as well as just enjoying each other. You definitely don’t want to end up in a situation where you dread spending time with someone because of the activity and not because of them.

That said, if you have a friend who will not step outside of their own interests, and you cannot find a way to show interest in those things, perhaps you are just not compatible as close friends. That sucks, but it is ok. We can’t be friends with everyone. What it boils down to is that it doesn’t have to be interests versus intimacy. Hopefully one will help build the other. If you always choose interests you may be lonely and if you always choose intimacy you may be bored. Try and foster both even when it takes a little more effort than usual. It should be worth it and who knows, you might have fun along the way in unexpected ways!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Who is steering the friend ship?

If friendship is a ship, then who is the captain? When things begin, I picture a serene scene, the popular children’s melody row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream” comes to mind! The friendship is a lovely row boat and both parties easily and happily row along. Each person puts in equal effort, you both know the rhythm, and the direction is clear. The skies are clear and you are totally in sync.

No one person is necessarily steering the vessel. You are a team. When one of you needs to rest, the other takes the oars, then you may swap for a while before you come back in tandem. You energise each other, discuss the navigation plan and reassure one another that you know how to go the distance. If there are any waves along the way, you hold onto each other and enjoy the ride.

As a big fan of the show Air Crash Investigation, also known as MAYDAY in the USA, I know that in the cockpit the pilot and the co-pilot are a team. Although technically the pilot pulls rank, both pilots share responsibilities and are both capable and qualified to fly the plane. It isn’t until they find themselves in stormy weather, literally and metaphorically that the rank and responsibilities really matter. The pilot is ultimately in control, and can say “I have control.” This means the pilot has removed the co-pilot from the controls and is flying solo. The pilot is making the decisions and is the only one directing the aircraft. Whatever the outcome, the accountability stops with the pilot. Sure, the co-pilot still offers suggestions and helps monitor the conditions, but ultimately the pilot can override them!

There is no such structure in place when it comes to the friendship vessel. So when the dark clouds start rolling in over the sunshine, and the stream seems to become a deep dark ocean, it can feel completely overwhelming to navigate. Anyone who has ever experienced a fri-ENDING can probably relate. As is evident by my wording, there isn’t really a friendship equivalent of breaking up terminology. How can we begin to discuss things when there isn’t even words to describe the experience?

In my experiences, when the seas get rough both people in the friendship vessel attempt to take control. Both believe that they know the way out of the storm, that if the other person would just give up control and go along with their plan that the friendSHIP wont sink! Unfortunately, with the lack of terminology comes a lack of communication and a lack of trust. Neither party wants to sit back and follow the plan of the other person. One person may feel it is best to take some space, to stop rowing. Float out to sea, wait until the storm passes and navigate a new plan from there. The other person might think that is a terrible plan. The shore is just out of reach, but if they fight, if they row hard enough, they can make it to dry land.  We all know if only one person is rowing you’ll simply go around in circles until you eventually start taking on water.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to give up, take space and float out to sea, but my friend convinced me to fight. While I can’t say we made it to where she hoped we would, and we did take on water, we didn’t sink, we swam! Our friendship is still close, although I think we swam to a deserted island. We have learned how to survive there but in order to thrive we’d need to get back in the boat and start rowing again. At this point we have decided to rest and make the most of our time here.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to take space. To stop rowing, to float and conserve energy for the long journey that would lie ahead if we ever recovered. My friend didn’t disagree. She crafted her own boat from supplies and abandoned ship. We floated in our separate directions for a few years. Ironically, despite going our opposite directions, we ended up in the same place again, and decided we should join forces once again and row back to shore. It was a long journey, but we did eventually make it back to the stream in which we started.

I have been in a situation where I wanted to call it quits, and my friend wanted to fight. She was rowing us so hard in circles she was making a whirlpool and we were both going to get sucked in. I didn’t have the desire or the energy to fight, so we got sucked under the current and drowned.

All of those situations I wanted to stop rowing. That has been the most effective strategy for me thus far, however that’s not to say there haven’t been times when I wanted to fight and they wanted to push me overboard! Those situations didn’t work out any differently to the ones above where we weren’t on the same page and couldn’t agree on a strategy.

The most challenging situation so far was when we both agreed we needed to stop, wait and float, but somehow we couldn’t get in sync again. Our ideas of the pace were different, I wanted to completely stop rowing and float, but she wanted to row, in small imperceptible movements, to conserve energy but still attempt some form of directional control. While I thought we were on the same navigational page, it turns out, we were not. I had become a dead weight and after a while she could no longer pull us both. She had to get back to safety at all costs and that meant she had to push me overboard.

Luckily I can swim! Lol Seriously though this experience has taught me that taking space and floating, or rowing against the current is only effective if you are both doing the same thing. In future I will have to make more effort to fight, to mirror my friends when they are fighting, to match their pace. I will have to surrender control and become the co-pilot. Ultimately I cannot control the outcomes either way, unless I know I want to let us sink. I don’t want to be a dead weight anymore, because that deserted island is better than drowning if I can make it there. And if we drown then at least we drowned trying!

Do you think you can surrender control of your friendSHIPS?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fight or Flight…. Or Freeze? Defrosting your Frozen Friend!

“The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon. – Wikepedia.”

Although the fight or flight response relates back to human survival, it does not appear to stop there. I have experienced it many times in my life, and at no real point was my survival in question. I remember being told as a child to fight my attacker, should there ever be cause to do so, to target the eyes and run.

Yet I also remember vivid nightmares about the subject, where I was running in slow motion. I remember the time the neighbours big black Great Dane who escaped and eyed me, with what I remember as red eyes in the alleyway by my house. Perhaps that was an overactive imagination about the eyes, but I did not run away despite the fact that I was indeed frightened.

Why, I wondered did I not seem to experience fight or flight the way other people did? I mean I wanted to choose flight. If I had the courage I’d be a flighter for sure! Lol But yet I always seemed frozen. To the point that if I saw a “suspicious looking” car drive by when I was in my front garden, I would pretend to be a statue. I’m sure it was very convincing! That seemed to be my only reaction.

In exploring my tendency to withdraw at conflict in friendships later in life – I can see that I am still suffering with the same affliction! It seems I am not alone. In researching it a little further, it turns out the reason I feel  frozen, is because I literally am! There is a third component to the fight or flight reaction, according to this website (http://sanctuaryweb.com/TheSanctuaryModel/THESANCTUARYMODELFOURPILLARS/Pillar1SharedKnowledge/PEOPLEUNDERSTRESS/PsychobiologyofTrauma/Fight-Flight-Freeze.aspx) and it is Freeze.

According to research it shows if the person feeling threatened sees no chance of survival no matter if they fight or run, then the prolonged threat causes the chemicals to build up and slow the heart rate. We freeze in fear. It is said to sometimes “simulate death, so a predator loses interest.”

As this is not a science blog, but a friendship one, I wanted to relate this back to my own experiences with conflict in friendship. I have noticed a tendency on my part to form friendships with assertive, confident individuals. These people have directly told me of my shortcomings as a friend. If a joke I made upset them, or they didn’t like the way I spoke to them, or I let them down in some way. Although I am quick to apologise to these people, it causes me to become afraid of them after that. Although they did not walk away from me, I perceive it as a threat.

This will cause a withdrawn response from me, whereby I feel frozen. I want to keep the person in my life, however I am aware that I am upsetting them in some way and do not want to repeat the experience. This tension builds up over time. Eventually, as can be expected in all friendships the other party will do something to upset me too. Except I will be unable to directly express it the ways they did. I will feel that if I bring it up, they will get mad at me for being angry at them, and they will be defensive, and not apologetic. (This may or may not be fair, it is just how I feel.) Basically, because I already felt they were on the verge of rejecting me, I think that this will be the end. As a result that fight or flight kicks in. I don’t want to fight. It isn’t my natural inclination. I also don’t want to flight. I like the person although they have upset me. This leaves me with nowhere to go doesn’t it. As I feel death of the friendship is the only imminent result, I totally freeze.

I would rather walk away and admit defeat than have an ugly confrontation where the other person rejects me. In doing this though, my friends who have a stronger fight reflex feel I didn’t care enough to fight. Yet it wasn’t that at all. I felt totally incapable – frozen in fear. Even if my friend’s own response is flight not fight, I will do nothing to prevent her leaving. Perhaps this is why I have a tendency to play dead until the other party “Loses interest.”

I intend to bring this up with my psychologist and work on it. However that wont be an easy overnight fix. I can speculate that bullying from an early age was at least partly responsible for this distrust of my peers. Especially so in female bullying, which is more relational. People pretend to be your friend so they can learn your secrets and weaknesses and use them against you! My only defense has been a strong poker face and denying them the satisfaction of knowing that they got to me.

Having a history of broken friendships that started at a young but impressionable age (for varying reasons (– one was older than me and went off to high school and lost interest in a friendship with a “kid.” A few moved away. Others wanted more adventurous friends, prepared to smoke and drink. A few fought with me over goodness knows what. The rest were socially influenced because I was far from the cool kid.) I can understand where this fear comes from, and that each time a friendship fails I am reopening old wounds, and reconfirming that friendships are both fragile and fickle, and in reality not made for me.

If you have a friend who appears to be frozen, my best advice to you is try to defrost her with warmth and caring and reassurance of your friendship. Not fire! Hopefully in time, she too will seek guidance on relating in healthier ways in the future.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

8 Mates - How they Rate and Relate!

What is your friendship style?

As I have had so many friends come and go throughout my life, I have noticed certain styles of friendship. Which one are you? I know I am different styles to different people, however I also observe that some of my friends have had a consistent style with everyone.

Intimate and intense.
These friends get to know you quickly. You might be amazed at how quickly you are revealing your inner self to them. Are you too close for comfort?! Something about them feels warm and comfortable. You feel safe yet vulnerable all at once. Interestingly, they themselves can be slower to open up, but each time they show you a little more you feel rewarded and intrigued. This type of friend is genuinely interested and invested in the more personal details of your life, although they can be strangely disconnected and aloof when it comes to the more mundane matters. You could spend hours just talking with this friend. She energises you. At first anyway. After a while her continued need for intimacy can become too intense and draining. You might find her a bit needy, and suffocating too because she likes to spend a lot of time together. She tends to only have one main friend at a time because she doesn’t trust people not to leave. No pressure! HA!

The Social Joiner.
This friend prefers to see everyone together. If there is a party it is usually hers, and she loves to include everyone. She will happily flit between her work friends and her mum friends and her school friends, speaking to everyone, yet at the same time speaking to nobody. This friend is usually always fun, the life of the party. Smiling and laughing you really like her, but can’t ever seem to catch her alone. She’s not particularly reliable, because a better offer is never far away. Somehow you are good friends, however you don’t know much about her. She probably doesn’t know too much about you either, yet somehow it works. You will be lonely though if she is your only friend. She tends to be a bit of a gossip too. Although she doesn’t know the full story on everyone, she knows enough about everyone to share! This can work to your advantage though because if she knows your secret passion for shoe shopping and someone else who is a manager of a shoe store who could give you a discount she will be the first to introduce you and is happy when 2 people she introduces connect (even without her continued involvement.) There is more to this friend, and if you can get her alone, her inner intimate and intense side will be revealed if you gain her trust. Once that happens, she’s a friend for life.

The Doer.
This friend is the first one you call for support. Need a babysitter? No problem? Need a ride home from the airport at stupid o’clock? She is your girl! Sick? She will be the one to call around with a home cooked meal for you and wash your dishes while she is there. No matter how much she has to do she almost never says no, and if she does, she is extremely apologetic and will offer all kinds of alternate solutions because your problems are her problems. While she is quick to offer help, she is slow to ask for it. You will feel an immediate cooling if you let her down when she has asked, (or even if she hasn’t actually) because she measures friendship by ways of service and helping. She’ll usually always be too busy to do anything relaxing although she often feels stressed and resentful. She can be a bit of a downer to talk to because she will always be talking about how stressed and busy she is. Helping her without being asked is the key to her heart.

The Organised Perfectionist.
This friend will always contact you first, no matter how hard you try to be the one who does. She will always initiate plans, organise the tickets, buy the group gift and see to all the small details of the trip like the travel pills and the airport transfers. She does not like to “wing it.” She likes to always make a reservation and check the menu online first. She does not like suggestions or input from others once the plan is in place. She is reliable and on time. She will not take kindly to tardiness or people otherwise wasting her precious time. She likes routine and structure. If you see her on Sunday morning for cake and coffee at the local café, she will not want to change it to Saturday afternoon at the dog park. She will play the martyr if you don’t suitably praise and appreciate her efforts, but as long as you do and you show up and stick to the plan, you should find her easy to get along with. Some people find this enthusiastic and sweet in the beginning, but begin to feel smothered and controlled eventually by her lack of flexibility.

The Loud Friend.
This is the friend who will complain about the service loudly, send her food back if it isn’t right and can’t resist correcting you if you made a mistake. She loves to be right and won’t hesitate to tell you when you are wrong! That said this friend also always has your back. She won’t stand for people speaking poorly about you or tolerate people treating you poorly. She feels her feelings fiercely, so she loves you hard. She can be scary and intimidating, and honestly sometimes hurtful or embarrassing.  Truth and tact don’t mesh well in her world! Listening isn’t her strong point, she prefers to tell everyone what to do and wont hesitate to tell you how wonderful she is. If you do get her to admit she was wrong, don’t take it lightly because it wasn’t easy for her. She is tough and cool and makes out like she doesn’t care what people think, but once you get to know her she is actually a big softie.

The Wallflower.
This friend is the most likely to be embarrassed by the Loud Friend. She appologies too much and too easily and will always try to accept blame when things weren’t her fault. She hates conflict or confrontation and will put everyone else ahead of herself. She will go along with your plans without complaint even if she is allergic to seafood and you chose a seafood buffet. She will just eat the bread sticks and pay her share even though she didn’t drink. She’s not usually adventurous. She will hold the bags when you go on rides at the theme park and she will be the one taking the photo rather than being in it. She really opens up though if you get her on her own, and ask her about herself. Oh how she loves to be noticed despite the effort she puts into being invisible. There is a whole funny quirky bright flower behind the wall, if you care enough to look.

The Parent.
This friend is the one who always has sunscreen in her handbag. She always has handy health tid bits, lives frugally and knows all the latest deals and discounts that she will be excited to share. She is the person you turn to in tough times, although part of you always worries she will disapprove. You seek her wisdom, advice, comfort and praise. Somehow they all feel wonderful and safe with this friend. She can sometimes be patronising when you don’t follow her advice, but it is only because she cares and loves you and wants you to do better for yourself. She will send articles that interest you and motivate you to be the best you can be. She will celebrate your successes as though they are her own, and equally suffer for your losses. You know she loves you and will be there for you, yet sometimes, like a teenager, you feel you need space and pull away to spread your wings. Thankfully she is almost always there to welcome you with open arms when you return.

The Quirky Loner.
This friend loves to be invited although she almost never comes along. Introverted; you might mistake her for shy and innocent although she is no wallflower! She is sure of herself and her interests. She takes pride in herself and knows her limits. She won’t feign interest in things that don’t interest her or show up for the sake of it. She values her alone time doing the things that inspire her. She knows herself possibly better than any of your other friends and feels no need to alter herself or her interests for you. Her interests are varied and unique but she is passionate about them. She might unintentionally bore you with her interests if you feign interest to be polite, because the concept is lost on her. Although you hardly see her, she will be loyal and appreciate your interest. She doesn’t open up or trust quickly or easily, although you get the impression she’ll be worth the wait. If you prove your loyalty you will win her trust eventually, but she isn’t one to rely on you. She is too busy taking care of herself to take care of you so don’t be needy and don’t make her your only friend. The best way to get close to her is to share an interest with her…. Did someone say frog watching while crocheting nose warmers?! Yes please! haha

As I said above, some friends or groups bring out different sides of us. Some of us are a happy or even mismatched combination of a few. Just note how these roles are perceived through the eyes of your friends and watch those negative habits. Whatever type of friend you are – just be the best that you can be!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Quality Time With a Busy Bee?

Most of us know someone who keeps themselves so busy they are literally exhausted all of the time. They complain frequently about how much they have to accomplish in a short period of time, always seem stressed, rushed and keep packing more and more into their schedule. They are frequently late or flaky because they always imagine things will take less time than they really do, and they also have trouble saying no.

Clearly these people are popular, as there is unlimited demands on their time. So if you want to steal a moment of their time, it has to be on their terms. And it usually does feel like you are stealing their time, to be honest. They might invite you over for a coffee, and when you arrive they aren’t prepared for your visit. They do make the coffee, however they don’t sit to drink it with you. They are busy rushing around getting ready for their next meeting, doing the dishes, pre preparing dinner and making quick phone calls to confirm appointments. They spend the whole time talking about themselves and how busy they are and all that they have to do, that you feel guilty for even being there despite the fact that they invited you.

This is the friend who always calls you when they are driving. Although the conversation probably will return to them and how busy and stressed they are, this is your best chance of actually telling them about yourself. However usually you can’t help but feel that if you hadn’t of answered they would have called someone else, and actually you often wonder if you were the first person they called? Probably not!

To add insult to injury, this friend often tells you all about their busy and exciting plans with other people. It is lost on them that they are always too busy to give you any quality time, because they are so busy giving it to the people they clearly like more than you. No, they can’t spend money with you as they are saving for the girls trip with work friends next month, or they can’t come to your dinner party because it is date night, but they can maybe come over on their way home from work at 5.30pm on Tuesday, except they need to be home by 6pm as it is a weeknight and they have work to catch up on.  Chances are they will cancel, but if you’re lucky they might ask you to accompany them to do the grocery shopping instead?

If you do manage to convince them to spend some time with you away from all the things that keep their focus elsewhere, you can bet they will spend more than 50% of that time on their phone. Messaging people, sending a quick email, confirming appointments, playing Pokemon Go, or just scrolling social media. Somehow it always seems impossible to capture their attention. No matter the quantity of the time they give you, the quality is always lacking.

This can be annoying at best, and crushing at worst if you take it personally and decide that your friend really doesn’t value you. Having a friend like this can be draining as you can start to feel it is one sided. Sometimes you look forward to any time they can offer you, however often walk away disappointed and eventually stop enjoying the friendship. You will probably feel reluctant to discuss it because they are already so stressed and appear to hold you at a distance as it is, so bringing up your need for time, the one thing they can’t offer, seems risky.

I have a friend like this, so I decided to ask her about it. Her response was interesting and not really what I had expected. Have you heard the Alanis Morissette song “All I really want”
“Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're going to die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?”

Basically my friend said she keeps busy in many ways not to avoid me or her other friends, but more so to avoid herself. Keeping busy is a mental health strategy for her, a coping mechanism of sorts, to stop her from over thinking. To stop her falling into the silence. Low self esteem and self worth has her believing she has to be all things to all people and that nobody would care to spend more than an hour with her anyway. It’s a way of avoiding rejection and pain. She also speculated that she may have undiagnosed ADHD. I do wonder…. Lol

My friend feels she needs to always be doing something to justify her worth in this world. The more helpful you are, the more people value you. The more she achieves the more accomplished she feels. She seemed oblivious to the fact that her actions were actually sometimes hurting the people she was trying to impress. She was aware though that she often ended up letting people down by over scheduling herself and always being late and needing to leave early so she could repeat the process for the next person.

Although she uses this as a mental health strategy she was also able to articulate that it leaves her exhausted and drained too and feels like mentally she never stops. She seemed to be afraid that if she stopped, nobody would notice or care. And when she does finally start unwinding, being on her phone is a way to relax. Even if she is still planning her next move, she isn’t as stressed once it is arranged.

She said I need to look at it differently. She said I should feel happy that she is comfortable enough with me to be completely herself. To let me see her in her pyjamas in her messy house as she prepares for the day. That it is a compliment that I am on the list of people she calls in the car when she finally gets a moment to herself. That the silences between us aren’t awkward if she is on her phone in my company.

You know what? I see her point and I am sad for her that she feels the need to keep so busy to distract herself from pain and emptiness inside. I’d much rather talk about it than avoid it. And I am so grateful that she opened up enough to explain it to me her way without getting mad or defensive. I guess we are different in that way – I like to talk things out, whereas she prefers to ignore it. Neither provides a solution, both are just how we deal with things.

The problem seems to be that I don’t feel valued when she doesn’t make time to listen to me I suppose. Talking is how I connect emotionally and when conversation is lacking, surface level, consistently interrupted or no space is made for me to talk about myself, I feel disconnected. Because of the way I am, I don’t like to call her and say “I need to talk” but she says if I did that, she would make the time to listen.

What I have learned with this friend is just to take what she offers me with gratitude. Not to take it personally and to ask for her attention when I need it. Not to criticise her, by saying “You’re not paying attention to me.” But just to say “Hey, can you sit down for a minute, I need to talk about this.” I also take it upon myself to plan fun things for us as quality time. Not to talk or to keep busy, a way we can both unwind. I am forgiving when she is on her phone, and she puts up with my occasional neediness. Compromise.

I can look forward to her calls, but I can also ignore them if I’d rather do something more enjoyable than fill her space. She wont take it personally. Lucky she’s not my only friend. But also lucky that she is my friend.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to make a meaningful apology in 10 simple steps.

Ok, so we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it is totally ok to admit that you were wrong and you hurt someone. However there is an art to an apology, which makes it meaningful to the wronged party. So if you’ve screwed up, here’s the best thing you can do.

Step 1.

Don’t be angry. Calm down. A curious thing happens when someone is angry with us…. we often get angry in return. Let that pass then actually say the words I’m sorry. Repeat back to the person exactly what you are sorry about, so that they know that you understand where the hurt is coming from and you care enough to acknowledge what you have done. (Or haven’t done as the case may be. Or said, or didn’t say… you get my drift.) This process is about validating how someone feels about your words or actions and acknowledging the consequences for them.  Just “I’m sorry.” Or “I’m sorry, but…” or even “I’m sorry you feel that way” usually wont suffice – as they don’t feel genuine, meaningful and like you really “get it!”

Step 2.

Don’t be defensive. If you must try and explain your behaviour, do not make excuses for it. Explain your reasons for acting as you did, without appearing to justify yourself. This can be extremely tricky to do, so take care here. Less is more. Remember this conversation isn’t about you, it’s about how your actions have hurt someone else. There may be time in the future to more calmly discuss this situation and everything that was happening for you. However asking someone to be understanding when they are still angry is usually asking for too much.

Step 3.

Do not blame the wronged party. We are all accountable for our own actions. Even if they provoked you in some way or there was something they did that you feel was worse than what you did, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, do not fight fire with fire. Water is usually most effective, and that means taking accountability for yourself. Accepting blame. We cannot force people to take accountability for themselves. Apologies have to be given sincerely, and under the circumstances, if someone is mad at you, even if they do owe you an apology too, if you come in with a defensive or attack approach, you’re unlikely to get it. I’ve written about that before on “Accepting an apology when you’re still mad.” Remember an apology isn’t something you are owed. It doesn’t work that way. If the person isn’t sorry then an apology is meaningless anyway. The point is, you did something wrong, you accept you’re at fault and you apologise.

Step 4.

Explain what you would like to see happen in the future. How you could face the issues differently, with this person, or with other people in the future. If you would like to salvage the friendship, then be clear about that, and offer suggestions as ways to move the friendship forwards if and when the other party is ready to do so. Failing that, if you’re stumped, ask them directly how you can make it up to them or what they need to see from you in the future.

Step 5

This step is important. It might be the hardest step…. Accept that sometimes sorry just isn’t enough. Forgiveness is something you can ask for, but not always something you can expect. You cannot control the outcome of this. The person might still be angry and hurt, and they may still end your friendship in extreme cases. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a moment where you stand to face hurt and rejection, but I promise you, if you apologise, you will always be able to look back and feel that at least you tried, and you handled things as best you could. Let’s be honest, poor choices got you here, so don’t follow it up with more poor choices. Don’t be mad if the person cannot accept your apology. Maybe they didn’t fully understand your perspective, or maybe it was too little too late. If it’s over then it’s over. Doesn’t mean it has to end badly. An apology as an ending is fairly gentle as far as endings go, right?

Step 6.

If the person cannot accept your apology, give it some time. Do not beg. Do not harass them and keep apologising. Once is enough. The ball is in their court, you have done all you can do. Perhaps when they have had some time to cool down and consider things they will contact you again. Work on being open to that in their absence, but don’t count on it either.

Step 7.

If the person accepts your apology but is still hurt, start small. Rebuilding trust takes time. You cannot bulldoze someone into forgiving you. If they bring it up, each time you can acknowledge the hurt you caused and have a conversation that allows each of you to elaborate on the reasons you behaved the way you have. In theory if you show you understand why the person was hurt, they may be open to understanding things from your perspective too. This is likely if they are interested in salvaging things. Do not get angry each time they bring it up, be open to discussing it until the person has healed. Show compassion.  Prove to them with changed actions and consistency that you will not make the same mistake twice if you get the chance.

Step 8.

Forgive yourself. Although you upset someone else, ultimately it is not their forgiveness you will need moving forwards. Sure, it might be nice, but it isn’t as essential as forgiving yourself. As I said in the beginning of this post, nobody is perfect. Good people make bad choices sometimes. People get hurt. Explore the reasons why you acted the way you did, and reflect on ways you could better act in future. Don’t focus on what the other person did to you, even if they did hurt you, focus on how you can be better. Not for them, but for yourself.  Most of us don’t want to hurt others, so it is upsetting when we do. 

Apologising tends to evoke shame in many of us. As though we are admitting to being a bad person instead of making a bad choice. Ironically the closer we feel to someone, the harder it can be to apologise. This is because we care so much what they think of us, so admitting we let them down can be like admitting we don’t care. The truth is, if you care, you will apologise. People actually think more of a person who can apologise than those who can’t.

The more practice you get at apologising, the easier it will become and the better you will feel about your relationships and yourself. To quote my obscure music again… Jason Donovan ‘Question of Pride’
“Don’t let your pride, stop you from saying sorry. Remember in time, there’s 2 sides to every story.”

Step 9.

Stay strong. Keep smiling and know that you will be ok whatever happens. Let it go. See what happens.

Step 10.

Talk to someone you trust. A friend, a teacher, a parent, a colleague, or psychologist who can help you validate yourself too. Apologising to someone doesn’t always mean they were right even if it means you were wrong. Seeking support is important no matter what side of the equation you find yourself on. You need people around you to remind you that they still see the good in you, even if you made mistakes or exercised poor judgement.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Strength in Vulnerability

The other night, a friend popped in, crawled into bed beside me, curled up and cried as I held her. While I was obviously sad for my friend, and eager to talk out what was upsetting her, I was also happy to be someone she felt safe enough to turn to. It served as yet another bonding moment between us, strengthening our connection. After my friend left though, it left me pondering the thought that perhaps I struggle with vulnerability in my friendships.

Not many of my friends have seen me cry. Even my therapist has only seen it a few times and noted that it appears to make me exceptionally uncomfortable. I suspect being a victim of bullying from a young age has contributed to my strong poker face, added with the sarcastic household in which I was raised. My thick skin helped me survive at time when I felt different and unable to express my emotions for fear of harassment or an untimely “outing”. Lol

However, clearly I am no longer in that situation and perhaps habits collected back then are no longer healthy or serving me, or my friendships, well. Am I still holding on to the belief that my tears will cause my peers a great deal of satisfaction? That they would take pleasure in hurting or humiliating me? If I am, then I need to either take a closer look at who I am surrounding myself with, or, more likely, why I am still keeping people at an emotional distance and not letting them know all of me.

As another friendship recently came to a close, I was able to reflect that while I am comfortable with expressing vulnerability in a positive light, vulnerability in a negative one is something I will hide from at all costs. Example: I have no problem approaching people for friendship. I am unafraid to put myself out there, to express that I like someone, even though there is a big chance that they wont feel the same way in return. However if someone has angered me or hurt me, I am fast to shut down and close off to that person rather than be vulnerable and express my feelings.  It’s an extreme version of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

I hadn’t really stopped to fully contemplate that this sudden silence from me was considered icy cold and hurtful to the other party. This appears to be true regardless of if we have discussed the need for space or not. The one thing I do know about feelings is that they pass. So waiting until the extreme feelings pass before I act, seems logical. Unfortunately sometimes it can take months for that to happen. While I may soften in that time, and be ready to let go of the hurt and continue on, the other person’s hurt and anger have probably been building during that same time.

Having just recaptured a bunch of music from my youth, that my husband refers to as obscure, although I disagree, I was thrilled to turn up the volume on my “Ace Of Base” album in the car. When the song “Don’t Turn Around” came on it stood out to me and I knew I had to post about it here.  You can listen to the song on this link, however I also wanted to capture some of the lyrics for those of you who agree with my husband and have no interest in listening to the song.  

“If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out that door
See if I care
Go on and go now but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart
That you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know…”

So much of this relates to my experiences. I have a rule that I will not chase people or beg them to stay in my life, so some of those lines really resonate. “If you want to leave, I wont beg you to stay. If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way.” The minute I perceive someone no longer wants to be in my life, I will walk away. I do this because talking about it has never made one iota of difference. Talking about it has always resulted in one of 2 things.

1. The person denies there is any issue. They may list off a host of reasons for their sudden unavailability or lack of interest in engaging, or just deny it all together. Either way this feels a lot like a mild form of “gaslighting” whereby the other person makes you question your perception or denies reality. They tell you everything is fine when you can feel that everything is not fine. Or….

2. They tell you there is a problem. You try to talk it out, but it ends up as a slinging match, both parties are defensive and words are used as weapons. Most times this is unrecoverable.  I assume this is because emotions are still running high on both ends.

I have had success in my previous encounters by allowing enough space to pass that you just miss each other. That it doesn’t matter anymore and you basically start again, and grow a new friendship. Clearly that doesn’t always happen though if one person is healing while the other is hurting. That’s where “If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way” comes in. Because “I’m gonna be strong, I’m gonna be fine” is basically the premise of this blog. I’m going to be fine and you are too. And so are they. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

The part that really perturbs me though is “See if I care, go on and go now….” Because I do care. And I have to acknowledge that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, so my attitude may well be causing the very endings I am trying to avoid. See if I care…. That’s where the vulnerability comes in. I care. I care so much. I have accepted that people will leave and that it hurts, and I struggle with having the vulnerability to face that pain.

Which brings me nicely to the last part. “Don’t turn around, I don’t want you seeing me cry, just walk away; it’s tearing me apart that you’re leaving…. I’m letting you go, but I won’t let you know.” I go cold and quiet because I’m hurting and I haven’t found the bravery in me to put my pride aside and say that I am hurting. I feel this is because I think I already know the outcome, that more hurtful words will be spoken leading to yet another nasty heartbreak and I’d rather just walk away and not have that conversation.
In this instance at least, I was able to articulate directly, offer my friend some reasons, accept accountability and apologise. Sure, it didn’t change the outcome, the friendship still ended, but I think we both feel ok with the outcome. That is progress.

I still have a ways to go, but I am pleased I have learned to be more direct, to acknowledge that my space was painful and apologise for it. (More on apologies next week.) Next step is to be more direct before the space perhaps.  And to allow my friends to see my pain as it happens….. even if they don’t care. Because my hurt matters just as much as theirs and my friendships could be richer if I allow them to support me the same ways I support them. While they last anyway! Lol

I guess I am learning that friendships end. All the time. Which is totally ok even if it is heartbreaking. I cannot avoid it no matter what I do, so what I must do is learn to get way better at endings instead of hiding from them. I may even get some new beginnings. Who Knows!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social schedules, and inflexibility.

Life is busy. This much is true, regardless of what your personal version of busy looks like. Some of us are too busy for schedules and routines, while others of us rely on them heavily to organise the chaos. Personally, I fall into the latter category. As my son is autistic, we run our lives with a high degree of predictability, which helps him thrive and feel safe in a world that is at large, fairly unpredictable. I have to admit though, that this works for me too, and I have at times wondered if perhaps autism is something he has inherited from me….

I wonder this because I am the first to admit that I do not like change. I’m not sure any of us really do, it seems part of the human condition that change provokes some level of fear… For me though, even small changes can be unsettling. A change in products stocked at the supermarket for example, will usually lead me into a frantic search for the product I am used to instead of simply accepting the change and trying something new. It has been brought to my attention recently that this inflexibility is crossing over into my social schedule too, and impacting my friendships in harmful ways.

I have always been open about the fact that I seem to keep around 5 close friends in my circle at any one time. Although the names on that list have varied over the years, the schedule has not necessarily varied with it. This has brought some people to question – do I value the schedule more than the friendships that are scheduled? This is worth exploring. Obviously friends are people, with their own lives, circumstances, wants and needs, all of which are prone to change over time, and all of which can impact their desire or availability for social activity. Therefore it stands to reason that being inflexible with my own schedule could write some friendships out of my life, albeit unintentionally. 

As I am a stay at home parent, with school aged children, I make no apologies for the fact that those 6 hours a day when the kids are in school is my prime social time. It makes sense. My children have appointments and activities every day after school, and my husband works long hours. In the evenings is the only time we have to connect with each other. Weekends he works, and I get the house jobs and writing done. I could potentially socialise here, but this is the time when most of my friends are connecting with their own partners and extended family, so their availability for social time is limited then. In an ideal world for me, none of the 5 women would work, and they’d be available one day a week during school hours! Lol

Obviously though, that is not the world we live in. My friends do work, see other friends, and they have many appointments and errands to run, so availability, which ties in with convenience as I posted about a few weeks back, isn’t always compatible. Sometimes this impacts my own schedule. I have one friend for example who only has one day off work per week. We agreed to catch up that day, once a fortnight so she could still have the other day to see to other things and people in her life. If someone else asks me for time on that day once a fortnight, chances are I will decline. I already have a commitment to someone on that day, and I can’t move it because she doesn’t have the availability to do so, and seeing her is important to me. She does however have to cancel fairly regularly, which I understand because she is already giving me 50% of her available time. That is a big commitment so it does require me to be flexible. I am. With her anyway.

She is not the only friend with whom I have a standing social arrangement. Some friends I see weekly, others fortnightly, and some monthly. Depends on mutual availability and interest. I also have friends who I know feel repelled and trapped by the idea of a standing commitment like that, and we see each other on a more casual basis. Sometimes I am less close with these friends by default because the consistency in our interactions is lacking. That said, with other people the casual nature of our friendship suits us both because we know we couldn’t actually sustain each other for anything more. The rest may be acquaintances waiting to blossom at a later time into a more meaningful friendship.

I have been criticised for not being flexible though. Some friends would prefer a weekly catch up on a day of their choosing, depending on the week and what else they have going on. While I am willing to admit I prefer to see them on the agreed day, because I like routine, if I can accommodate the request, I will. However If I have committed to a day with someone, generally speaking, I will schedule other things on other days, leaving that agreed space free for them. How that is translating in reality is “I can see you on X day, at X time, no other time.”

This criticism goes both ways, with some people being upset that I cannot offer more or different times, and with other people suggesting they could not offer me less time either. Basically, once you have joined the roster, people feel that they cannot swap shifts, and must show up for a minimum amount of hours per week! So I can definitely see where the critique is coming from. It does feel unfair though. One friend, for example has actually held a different weekly space in my routine on every day of the week over the years, changing each time her life changes. Others have had 3 times a week, and we have pulled it back to one without upset. Some have even opted out of the schedule all together and yet maintained a connection. I can’t possibly be that inflexible? Sure, I don’t like change, but I have no choice but to accept it.

Needless to say, I am very torn by this criticism. On the one hand, of course I want to be more flexible to accommodate the changing needs of my friends, however I also feel that others often don’t value my time. As I don’t work, the common inference here is that I am choosing to be difficult, and could in fact be more flexible because social time is flexible by nature, isn’t it? Sigh. It feels like the insinuation is that I should just wait around for everyone else and not make plans for myself, so I am always available at their convenience.

Both perspectives are valid, so what is the answer? Am I using the schedule to save myself from actually making the effort on a weekly basis? Should I give up the schedule? I think perhaps, we need to discuss the schedule more regularly and openly, to make sure it still works for us both, rather than it lingering like a stale gym membership you see no way of cancelling.  If the schedule is mine, I should take it upon myself to discuss it every few months with the people involved. I have definitely even been trapped by the schedule at times, so I am open to discussing the ways it can start to feel like “a rut.” I have lost friends who wanted more time, who wanted less time and friends who wanted different times that I just couldn’t accommodate….. So if the schedule itself is the issue….

I will experiment with more casual arrangements. With the new members of the circle, I will endeavour to try and arrange to see them once a month or so, by planning ahead, and conversing with them each time, while being less rigid on the times and places. I will report back on the findings of this mini social experiment and see if I am able to reach a higher level of connection without the schedule, and if I was able to maintain the effort over a sustained period. Of course it is not lost on me that my friends could also make the effort…. I hope they will… I mightn’t be the only one relying on it too heavily! Lol

Wish me luck!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Schedule time together, formally or casually, just make sure you do it.

5 steps to stop negativity draining your friendship

Last week I posted about my tendency to dwell on the negatives and the impact this has had on some of my friends and subsequently, our friendships. Most other articles out there focus on how the depleted friend can handle the toxic energy from us negative nellies! So this week I wanted to write one for the pessimists and how you can navigate friendships with optimists, empaths, introverted introverts and or anyone you think maybe doesn’t like you that much even if you’re not sure why.

Step 1.

Before each meeting with a friend, think of 3 positive things you would like bring up in conversation. Doesn’t matter how big or small. Examples could be a fabulous cheesecake you tasted the other day, a great book you read or movie you saw, a happy story you read in a magazine, something you accomplished or a goal you are close to achieving, or anything that made you happy.

While I refuse to accept that we shouldn’t feel free to speak about the issues in our lives; the dark times, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, trials and tribulations, I actually think it is probably a good idea to make the conversations more balanced and apply mindfulness to being more positive.

Step 2.

Hear yourself speaking and pay attention to your audience. If your friend appears to be changing the subject, zoning out or becoming frustrated, redirect the conversation to them. Maybe they are having trouble listening because they have something they need to share? Or maybe you have complained about the same issue too many times, and your friend is tired of hearing it. Especially if you are not going to do anything to rectify things. Or maybe they just needed to keep it light today because they are stressed and can’t take anything more on board. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the solution.

Some of the best people in this world are empaths. These people absorb the energy of people around them. If the checkout girl was having a bad day and then someone pulled a finger sign at them in traffic and they walked past a homeless person on the way to meet you, they might already be emotionally exhausted by the time you meet up. Be sensitive to this and try not to add to their stress. Humour is always a good fallback option. If you don’t have anything positive to say, say something funny!

Step 3.

Shut up and listen. It’s the strangest thing sometimes. I don’t know how the dynamics of a relationship are set early on, but I definitely have friendships with defined roles. Some that I talk so much the other person can hardly get a word in edge ways, and others where I basically just listen, only uttering the odd phrase to reiterate that I am hearing my friend. If your friend seems unhappy with your dynamics, make efforts to change them. Encourage them to open up more by showing interest in their life, their hobbies, their thoughts and feelings. And if they can talk about the positive things and make meaningful and lasting conversation from it, take notes!

It’s important to be aware of our own shortcomings and take the feedback of our peers. It doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, or better or worse, just different. You both have things you could learn from one another.

Step 4.

Be aware of their circumstances. If your friend is planning her wedding, perhaps she’s not the best person to talk to incessantly about your divorce. Or if you are both online dating, but your inbox is flooded with more interest than you can handle, while hers is still empty, she’s probably not going to be able to be objectively sympathetic to your genuine stress. In some circumstances it may even feel as if you are actually gloating through your complaints.  If your friend starts the conversation by sharing news of her big promotion – she is setting the tone for a celebration. That is not the time to complain about your hair dresser. If it’s not important, it can wait.

Minor example of different circumstances: I might say that I am annoyed that they changed the layout of the local supermarket, and my friend may quip that this is a good thing because it allows you to see all sorts of products you missed before. Circumstances dictate our perspective. I usually have 2 boisterous children running around with me when I do the shopping and I also spend a small fortune feeding us already. My son will only eat very specific products and foods and I knew where they were before. I don’t need new products as much as I need a streamlined shopping experience. My friend might be single and only shopping for herself, and she loves cooking and trying new recipes. Neither is wrong, because feelings aren’t facts. I may in time learn to love the new shop layout much better than before, but I am still allowed to be annoyed by the change just as she is allowed to be excited by it. Both are valid.

Step 5.

Acceptance. Some people aren’t happy unless they have something to complain about. Maybe that is me. Maybe that is because complaining has been an effective method of sharing that has fostered close relationships in my life and I like it that way. The negatives in life are interesting to me. That is ok. Other people aren’t happy unless they have measurable happiness in their life. My mother in law recently quipped how happy she was to get some time to work in the garden. Conversation and connection isn’t as important to her as getting happiness from nature and animals and spending time on her own. As she works long hours running her own business, she doesn’t get much free time, so spending it in the garden will make her happier than listening to me complain or than complaining to me ever will.

I will never be close with everyone I meet. Closeness looks and feels different for everyone, and I just have to accept people the way they are and hope they do the same for me. Some personality types just aren’t as compatible as others. Just because a friendship isn’t as close doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. Balance is everything. Positivity in someone’s negative moment can be just as damaging as negativity in a positive one, as explored in this article published online at www.purewow.com on 3rd September 2019 written by Carolyn Kuang-Chen Stanley, titled  “There is such a thing as toxic positivity (and you might be guilty of it.)”

If you can foster ways to be more positive with people, perhaps you will find them even more enjoyable. Personally speaking, I do have some friendships whereby I don’t hear much from them unless things aren’t going well. It would certainly be good to rectify that by learning to be more positive and seek each other out for fun and not just connection and support.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx