Everything I’m not.

Have you ever had a friend who seemed more into the friend they thought you were than the friend you are? Or the friend they want you to be perhaps? Or maybe you’ve had the niggling feeling that your friend actually doesn’t much care who you are, as long as they can cling to the illusion that you are everything they want you to be?

It happens in love stories all the time, and friendship is no different. We meet someone and we are drawn to them. Sometimes we can list the qualities we are drawn to, and other times maybe it was simply how that person made us feel about ourselves that has us hooked. We start to view them through rose coloured glasses or associate them with the positive feelings we are having.

I have experienced this on both sides. I have seen in people what I wanted to see instead of what was actually there, and I have had people try to force me to be what they needed me to be instead of letting me be what I am. Neither thing worked out well.

I have had friends who seemed endlessly disappointed with me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to show them what it was they wanted to see. The problem being we were both so focused on what they wanted, that we couldn’t accept that I wasn’t it. I have had friends who needed me to validate them, their lifestyles, choices and relationships, but who couldn’t handle it if I was unable to agree with them on something along the way. They didn’t enjoy me as much as they enjoyed the positive reflection of themselves they saw in me.

I have had friends who needed a counsellor, but who were unable to listen or hear anything I actually said, about themselves or myself. I have had friends who value qualities in friendships that I just don’t offer. Having a conversation recently with one friend about her other friend, she commented that although this woman could be hard work, she was valuable because she was always there to loan money or other acts of service at a moments notice.  When I probed her for more information on what she valued about this particular friendship it dawned on me that she values everything I’m not as a friend.

It doesn’t mean our friendship doesn’t thrive, it does! The reason it does, is because we have both had to manage our expectations of the other person. We both have needs that our friendship doesn’t meet, and we don’t focus on those. We both have other friends that do meet these needs. Rather, we enjoy what we can and do share together instead of pushing it to be something that it isn’t. There are times, when each of us feels disappointed by the other, or envious of the other friendships we hold, but I love that we can come together and reassure eachother; “It’s not you, it’s her.”

What I mean by that, is explaining that the other person is meeting a need we have, without accusing each other of not meeting that need. When I realise for example that she values someone who loans her money, I instantly realise I’m glad she doesn’t come to me for that kind of support. Similarly, when she realises I am drawn to women who like to go out for an evening, she is relieved I don’t pester her to find babysitters to oblige that need.

It isn’t always easy to identify when you are pushing someone to be something, or even everything, that they aren’t. All I can tell you is to look out for feeling disappointed in a friendship, sometimes perpetually. Identify what it is that you hope they will do for you that they aren’t and what need is reflected there. Is your friend not making time for you? Do you need to feel more important to someone? Is your friend genuinely a super busy woman? If the answer is yes, look around you for someone less busy, and see if they will make more time for you. If they do, your need will be met, and your ability to appreciate the time your initial friend makes for you will be tenfold.

Sometimes someone does meet a need for a time, and then they suddenly stop. This hurts. We can cling to them and be angry and resentful that they have changed. Alas, people do grow and change. If we are feeling dramatic about it, perhaps it is because we are not growing with them or in the same direction as they are. Most likely it is because we associate that feeling with that person. They were always “our person” right? We need them to stay that way. The issue isn’t with your friend, but with your now unmet need and aggravated expectation of them to fill that need.

The problem with needing a certain person to make you feel a certain way is that then you need that person to be happy! It’s uncomfortable to admit, but there are other people who can make you feel happy, heard, validated, loved, excited, and supported or whatever else it was that this one friend made you feel. Let go of the idea that only that one person can make you happy and you will be instantly happier!

The veronica’s song “Everything I’m Not” comes to mind. “The girl, that you want, she is tearing us apart, because she’s everything, everything, I’m not.”  If you find that someone is disappointing you, or you are constantly disappointed in them, that is a pretty good sign that you are asking too much of that person, or that they are asking too much of you.

To my wonderful friends; thank you for taking me as I am, for accepting everything that I am and overlooking everything I’m not. I’m so glad you have other people in your lives to fill the cracks in what I am lacking, and I am so grateful to all of you for meeting the needs that you do meet of mine.

Don’t ask or expect anyone, including yourself to be anything, let alone everything that you are not! Know who you are and who they are and let that be enough for you both.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Have you ever heard of the expression “Fair weather friend?” It refers to a person who is only a good friend in times of positivity in your life, but cannot be relied upon during times of emotional storms, negativity or difficulty in your life.  I tend to question if these people aren’t really more friendly acquaintances than friends… surely they are there, emotionally, for the few they feel close with? Alas, we can only really judge someone by our experiences of them, and it is true to say “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” (Sneaky Billy Ocean Reference there… just because I can! Showing my age much!! Haha)

So, according to the urban dictionary, the opposite of this phenomenon, is called a “Foul weather friend.” This refers to a friend who is always there for you in the hard times, offering endless support, guidance and a shoulder to lean on. These people are always empathetic and willing to commiserate, yet somehow, when your luck improves, they aren’t around anymore. Looking back through the dust of the friendships in my history, I started to wonder…. Am I a foul weather friend?

It’s not lost on me that many people seem to turn to me in times of need. I never shy away from the real stuff, and do tend to believe that being there for one another through the difficult times is the crux of deep friendships, bringing us emotionally closer to one another. I also can’t deny that there is a certain pleasure (however dark) that comes from being wanted and needed. When you know what someone wants and needs to see, it is much easier to show it to them. I tend to view myself as a pretty empathetic person so it comes naturally to me to provide that type of support to a person in need. So, what happens then, when the situation changes and the person is no longer in strong need of support?

Is that when I exit stage left?! Maybe it is?! Ouch. The thing is, it doesn’t always play out that way, and it isn’t always my choice. Sometimes, the other person pulls away from me when things get easier for them. After all, they associate me now with the harder times, and it can be hard to find things to talk about when the main topic of conversation before was “the crisis.” It isn’t uncommon for me to then find I am cast aside in favour of more fun, light hearted company. Namely, their fair weather friends!  It also isn’t uncommon for these friends to yoyo back to me when they find themselves in stormy seas again. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that while these people were in a time of need, my level of friendship was comforting for them, however as they reached a healthier place and their need for me waned, they began to feel smothered by that same level of intensity. It’s a delicate balancing act on both sides I suppose.

Other times, it might be me who pulls away. It might be because I am exhausted, or because something has happened that caused me to change the way I see and subsequently feel about that person. Usually though, it is because the person in question has proved themselves to be unable to be there for me in my harder moments. I don’t expect someone can and will be there for me just because I was there for them, however, I think it is fair to move away from people who can’t be there for you. It is usually in favour of people who can be there.

A friendship that begins in crisis mode, or blossoms there, feels deep and meaningful. Once the crisis has resolved however, the small talk which was overlooked before in favour of deeper more pressing issues, can feel empty and meaningless. It can even be painful for both parties to endure as they struggle to understand how such a weighty friendship can suddenly feel so empty.  Essentially, sometimes the friendship served its purpose, and it is ok to let it go.

The most important thing to learn from all this is balance. Even if a friendship is in a heavy place, please make time to share lighter moments together. If your friend is having a tough time, don’t protect her from having to be there for you because you don’t feel your problems compare to her own. You will be doing your friendship a big disservice. Talk about the big things and the little things and everything in-between. Keep up to date on the day to day happenings, spend time going to fun places, and make room in all the areas of your life, not just the dark ones. It’s not a competition, but try and make sure you are each giving as much as you are getting, listening as much as talking and reaching out in roughly equal amounts.

Lastly, be grateful for your fair weather friends, and your foul weather friends, because we all need different things from different people at different times in our lives. I believe a good strong lasting friendship will be able to be both, but if it cannot, each of them still has their value.

Let's all try and be this type of friend. 

Instead of focusing on what you get from your friendships, focus on what you give. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a needy friend drives you round the bend! Find the balance people! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Both types of friends have their value depending on the weather in your life. 

Copy of Friendship is the healthiest Easter treat, and it’s sweet like chocolate too!

Easter time is traditionally celebrated with family, and regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, usually celebrated with some form of chocolate! You know what else is sweet like chocolate? Friendship, and it has less calories and more health benefits too!

Many of us fail to reach out to friends over this period assuming that everyone else is too busy with family for time with friends. I know so many people who go away for the weekend to make the most of this extended time off with their partner, children and even extended families. This makes sense. However, some professions like police, hospital staff, prison workers, fire and emergency services and many other industries soldier on as usual.

For my family, that means my husband works. While I will still see our extended family on Easter Sunday, that leaves me with 3 days to play with on my own. It would be easy for me to assume all my friends are busy with family, and not reach out, however it is just as easy to reach out and see who is available.

I would much rather spend this time enjoying social activities with my friends than cleaning the house out of boredom. (Ok those of you who know me I have never in my life been “that bored!” haha)

So don’t assume everyone is busy. ASK! Maybe your friend’s partner has to work, or maybe they don’t have a partner or any family around, or maybe they will be home but not planning anything particularly special. Don’t wait to be invited, plan something for yourself. Maybe host a group gathering one day or see a few friends individually over a few days?  
This is one of the few times of year when MOST people do get a break and a bit of extra time to play with. What better way to spend it than playing with your friends? You know what goes well with chocolate and friendship? Wine. True story. 

However you spend it, I hope your Easter and your friendships are sweet and filled with love and laughter.

Happy Easter

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Extroverts and Introverts. Can we be friends? With each other?!!

I have a friend who’s birthday is coming up soon, and as such we were recently discussing upcoming plans for her celebration. She couldn’t decide if it was best to host one big event, or if it would be more appropriate to hold separate gatherings. One for her work friends, one for her book club, one for her long standing friends etc….

I was happy and excited to help her come up with ideas for planning the event as she decided on a time, location and type of event that would be the most inclusive and convenient for everyone. It was important to her that people could feel free to bring their partners and children, and she herself could include her own fur babies. (Having recently stumbled upon this blog, (and being openly surprised that it was good?! Who knew I was funny and engaging?! Lol) she now says she will recognize herself by the reference to the fur babies. This is going to become a running joke, serving also to trick her into not knowing I am speaking about her when I don’t mention them?! Haha That’ll work, right?!...You're not the only one who can underestimate someone's intelligence! :P Bitchy yes, but she knows it's all in good fun! I hope.... haha)

Anyway, as she created the event and we carefully worded the invite she sent it out to all and sundry. Her phone buzzed all night long with eager responses, and we played with ideas of where to buy large quantities of foods to feed the masses on the day. Nothing seems out of place about this scenario, does it? Not at first glance, no. What you may find curious is that I myself, did not make it on to the invite list…. to a party I was helping (I use the term loosely) to plan, for literally every person she knows…. And their dogs! Haha  

Ok, admittedly this is more her than me... maybe I'm the extrovert? So confusing... Lol

I would tend to consider myself a bit introverted, or perhaps in the extreme moments with close friends, perhaps a slightly extroverted introvert. (I know I have at least one friend who is scoffing at the idea that I am an introvert and questioning if I know the meaning of the word! Lol I do, I promise! haha)  As my friend planned this big event, I pondered if my friend might be an extrovert. When I put this to her, she denied it, and we settled on an introverted extrovert to summarise her social character.  I love that she will entertain these conversations with me. I have always found this friend fascinating, and we have had difficulties in the past because I struggled to understand her social style.  It lead me to the question…. Can introverts and extroverts (or differing variations of the 2) make a friendship work?

I wont lie to you, and I am sure my friend would agree, it isn’t always easy. The idea of such a large gathering of people exhausts me, even in context of all of my own friends. I’d feel like I spent the whole event making sure I spoke to everybody and walk away feeling like I had spoken to nobody. As an introvert I prefer small groups, usually consisting of only myself and the other party. I thrive on deeper conversations and enjoy searching for the meaning of certain happenings and relationships. I feel you need that privacy to really get to know people, and to allow them to get to know you in return.

My friend, however, seems to be drawn to group situations. Where they drain me, they perhaps energise her. The fun light atmosphere is more welcoming, and engaging and not so heavily conversation focused, but event focused. Not everything about the idea appealed to my friend, and it did provoke some anxiety, for example, when thinking about the intermingling dynamics of all the sub groups, which is why she is perhaps a bit of an introverted extrovert. All the same, it became clearer to me in that moment how special our time together is.

I don’t make many concessions for my friend. I haven’t had to. Obviously if she had a wedding, or a baby shower or some other important life (group) event that she asked me to share in, I would make the effort to be there for her, however, for the most part, she understands me better than I have given her credit for in the past. I have had friends over the years, who disregarded my dislike of parties. They would invite me, insist that I attend then berate me for being so quiet and not having a “good time!” (The insinuation being that the only way to have a good time was to get almost poisonously drunk on tequila and dance around with a box on your head. Don’t ask. Lol) It is a gift to me that this particular friend does not invite me, nor expect me to attend, nor get upset when I decline to attend. (Well, I choose to think of it that way. Perhaps she is just too ashamed of me to introduce me to her other people?! Which is also entirely plausible! Haha)

Not only does my friend not invite me, but she will make time to celebrate her birthday with me all the same. With just her and I. She will engage in meaningful conversations, and yet bring enough extroverted energy to the table that we still share plenty of laughs to lighten the mood. (You know, because I'm so unfunny!! :P haha) She will tolerate it when I stay too late, and pretend to like everything I give her as a gift, (even though I have basically bought her all things I like, only in a colour she likes,) and turn a blind eye when I blog about the experience later.  (In return, I ignore it when her fur baby tries to suffocate me at the drive in or gnaw my limbs off at her house! Lol) She is not the kind of friend I can call on to see, or maybe even to speak to, every week. That kind of commitment makes her feel intolerably trapped, and I used to feel that she kept me at a distance because of this. To someone like me, time is closeness. Now I have to wonder if we are not actually already closer than I think…. In reflection it is possible she gives me more of herself than I appreciate.

To answer the question, can extroverts and introverts be friends? With some consideration of the other person and how they feel energized and drained, yes. As with all friendships, your best bet is to relate to the other person THEIR way and acknowledge their strengths, weaknesses, boundaries and limitations. I’ve never really acknowledged before the way my friend seamlessly accommodates my needs, probably at quite the cost to her own emotional energy, so here is a shout out to her for her patience. Thank you! I know sometimes I drain you, (sorry) or sometimes you just don’t have the energy for me. I understand.  In return I really manage my expectations of you, which I hope you equally appreciate. I no longer try to push (consciously) for more closeness than you are comfortable with and try very hard to go with your much more relaxed flow!

Happy Birthday Chick. Can't wait to hear all about your party, and I sincerely hope it goes well. I hope you find our friendship as enjoyable, rewarding and entertaining as I do, whatever it is, or wherever it falls in the circles. Maybe we are both just Ambiverts?! Lol (go on, google it, you know you want to?!) 

Keep smiling, and providing food for friendship thought!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Family First, Friends Always!

My brother; My friend. This post is for you. 

I can only write this from my own perspective, and I can only hope the rest of you have been as fortunate in the sibling stakes as I have been! I only have one sibling, an older brother. He is 6 years my senior, so I can’t say that he would share my perspective on ALL of these things, but I'd say in general he'd agree!

My parents very bravely emigrated here to Australia when my brother was 6 and my mother was pregnant with me. At the time, I guess my brother was feeling quite isolated when I was born, having been moved to the other side of the world from his pals. The way he tells it, they used to play space invaders or something at lunchtime and he genuinely believed they were saving the world. He really worried about how he would protect it without his crew!

I was probably a big disappointment to him. First off, I was a sister, and I’d guess he’d hoped for a brother. He has 2 boys now… be careful what you wish for! Haha He never would have survived the beatings boys give each other! Lol. Then, when I was old enough to play, I was interested in Barbie dolls, and not even remotely interested in silly games about space! Still, he sat with me anyway, playing dolls. He tolerated me messing around with his computer games, and even let me play with his new friends. In all his birthday party pictures, there I am, squeezing in.

I guess that is a pretty accurate metaphor for his life, which was probably quite nice before I came along. He was such a quiet peaceful natured child, that didn’t ask for much. Let’s just say I was the opposite. It was all about me! Looking back I can see how much time and energy I took from him and from my parents! Suddenly I understand why he was my mother’s favourite… he was less painful. Lol

My mother returned to work full-time when I started school. Although I have milked this for all it was worth, it probably did bring me and my brother happily closer. He had to step in a fair bit to help take care of me. While I am sure there were times when he resented this, and would rather have been chasing girls, I remember those times after school with fondness. We would pull out the couch cushions and make a boxing ring, or do flips from the exercise trampoline Santa brought me that I never would have used at all otherwise. We would devour packets of Anzac cookies and milk, and eat endless bits of hot toast that he diligently sat making piece after piece.

When I cried because I lost my keys in the school playground and I knew I’d be in big trouble, he took me back to school and spent hours digging through the sand with me looking for them. When we went sightseeing at cliffs, he held the back of my t-shirt and pulled me from the edge. When we went on the banana speed boat ride, he fell off when I did to make sure I didn’t drown. Even though I was 14. And I was wearing a life jacket. And I could swim. Lol He still does the same things now, only in different ways I guess. When I get myself in trouble he is always there in any capacity he can be, often breaking the rules or going against the grain to show his support.

As we got older, and I became less self-involved, (I said LESS, Ok! Lol) I hope I also became someone he could talk to, confide in and turn to for support. It’s not like we see each other often, we don’t. We don’t even really communicate that much, but knowing that you have someone in your corner til the ends of the earth is something else. Knowing we have each other, and may in time have only each other, makes us closer than people with larger extended families I guess.

My brother isn’t my best friend, but he was my first friend, is always my friend, is one of my closest friends, and essentially really the only one I will ever need and never lose. Thank you for being my big brother AaaOooo, and thank you for being my friend. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I’ve never had to and I never want to. There is a part of me who will always be your baby sister who needs you to help search for her keys on the playground. I hope you know I’ll be there to help you find your keys, or your way, anytime you need it, too.

Love you bro!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Balancing Act....When it just feels NATural!

Just like any relationship, friendships are a balancing act. Give and take. Talking and listening. Fun times and serious ones. Finding time and making time. Reaching out and giving space. Growing close rather than being close.

Friendship IS one of life's greatest adventures!! 

Timing is crucial in this life, whether we like it or not. Sometimes, you meet the right people at the wrong times, and at other times you meet the wrong people at the right time. Both make beautiful disasters! Lol However the real magic begins when you meet the right people at the right time.

Sometimes we don’t realise we have met the right people at the wrong times, and they linger on the outer edges of our lives and our circles as friendly acquaintances. Unexpectedly one day, you might really connect, and grow a meaningful close friendship.

Just give the right people time to be in your life at the right time!

You may have guessed I am writing from experience here. Fairly recently, someone I had known from my years as a mother of toddlers called me out of the blue for a coffee. As timing would have it, fatefully, I happened to be walking right by the café she wanted to meet at that morning. I admit when I saw her number on the screen I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was happy all the same. It wasn’t the first intermittent catch up we had had over the years, and I had no expectation that this one would be any different. A friendly way to pass a mutually convenient morning.

What I can say, is that for the first time since we met, I walked away feeling like we had really connected. Like this person was suddenly my friend. And I was excited by that. Timing, conveniently, had placed our availability pretty mutually to allow for more catch ups in the months that followed and we relaxed into a happy supportive place. Although this was unexpected…. The timing in both our lives was right. I guess it never had been before.

As I had just embarked on this friendship journey at the time, I was very aware of trying to make this particular friendship with all the ingredients for a lifelong recipe. Only time will tell if I have gotten the measurements right, but for the first time I am being mindful of the time we spend together. We can and do talk about some pretty deep stuff when the times call for it. We talk about important boring stuff, health issues and share our joys and struggles around the “mum life.” We check in with each other after important occasions or happenings. We make time to go out for girls nights when the husbands take the kids, and times where we take the kids to hang out together. We can laugh, even in the moments of deep and dark conversations, and ask for fashion advice in the same conversations.

Maybe balanced is the wrong word, and safe, secure and reciprocal are better terms?

I am so grateful that this person called me for coffee that one fateful morning. She invited me into her life and into her heart that day and showed me that there are friends all around us waiting to sprout, under the right circumstances. There isn’t a thing about our friendship that I don’t cherish, it has actually really changed my life and the way I view friendships in a more rounded way.  I love how welcomed I feel around this person, and how safe and cherished and cared for she makes me feel.

This is one friendship that truly feels balanced. It feels equal. It feels natural. It feels reciprocal. It feels wonderful, and fateful.

This post is for you. To thank you for coming into my life at the right time and staying to show me a good time, and that these things can coexist. Thank you for always finding time, making time, spending time and being there all of the time.  (And for always stocking the things I like at your house. Maybe it is just a coincidence and we like the same things, lol, but I like to think of it as a gesture that I am welcome in your home and that you want to entice me there with food products. You know me well! Haha)

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Expressing your feelings VS Explaining them!

Recently I came across a life hack about finding solutions rather than finding yourself in arguments, and I thought to myself “Yeah, I could totally milk a blog outta that concept!" Lol And so, here we are! Stay with me…. Please? Haha

It’s such a simple concept really, as brilliant concepts tend to be! Let’s explore an argument. When I reflect on all the arguments I have had over the years, with friends, family and lovers alike, the appropriate words that come to mind are: Heated. Emotional. Charged. Irrational. (Them. Not me! Lol.) None of these same words apply to the concept of an explanation.

I know as well as anyone that it is near impossible to fight emotions with rationale or logic. Why is that? Because an explanation almost instantly takes away the power of expression when it comes to emotions, doesn’t it? It doesn’t feel as good to say “I am angry because you cancelled on me again and I feel vulnerable and scared that I am not important to you,” as it does to say “I hate how flaky you are, you’re so unreliable and don’t care about anyone but yourself.” Does it?! 

If however, we think it through to the next stage, it would be much easier to get the reassurance and support we require if we say the first thing rather than the latter. Explaining your feelings really lets the other person hear what you are feeling, and why, whereas, ironically, expressing them doesn’t?! I know, right?! If you express your feelings, the other party usually ends up feeling attacked, and defensive. If you explain them, you give the other party the chance to come nearer emotionally rather than pushing them further away.

If you express your feelings, they have gotten the better of you. The other party will definitely get the message that you are ANGRY but the reason behind it will probably be lost on them. As they are defensive, they will probably not be all that interested in hearing the reasons. This will only make for a frustratingly closed conversation, often with little resolve.

In my experience of arguments… which I wish was less extensive than it is on my emotional resume, it is only after the emotions dissipate that we are able to come back together. Somebody typically apologises and opens the lines of communication. It is only when the need to express the emotion has passed that we are able to explain it.

I’m not saying it will be an easy concept to apply, but I challenge us all to try to explain our emotions next time we start feeling overwhelmed by them. This is different to justifying them btw. Who among us has never “phoned a friend” to justify all the reasons we are upset about something someone has said or done to hurt us. The validation we receive adds fuel to the fire. If anyone tries to be logical, we refuse to hear them, because the emotion is dying to be expressed, heard and validated. We are not READY to be rational!

So how could we combat this? Perhaps we could reflect on a time when we did something that hurt someone and how much better we would have handled the situation if they had explained their anger rather than expressed it?! That would have felt much better for you, wouldn’t it? You might have felt more compassionate and open rather than defensive and closed.

Too often, when we feel overwhelming emotions, we don’t take the time, even within ourselves to explain them. Sure, we justify them, and all the reasons we are RIGHT to feel that way, and they were WRONG to act the way they did, but how will we ever come to common ground if our intention is to be in a superior position to our opponent, with whom we arguably want an equal relationship? It might feel good – giving you the power and the upper hand, but that puts the other person at a powerless disadvantage, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will fight you on it. Their sense of self depends on it! If you care for someone, in theory you want to protect their self image, as well as your image of them, right?

So next time you are feeling hurt and angry, I challenge you to write an essay – Why am I angry? Explain it to yourself. Sure, express all the emotion! Let it all out, how hurt and angry you are, then start with the justifications, but always ask why. Why do I feel this way, why am I so hurt? Why did they behave that way? Why am I jumping to the most negative conclusion? What do I want to happen now? Can I express that to them calmly? Let the emotion pass, then calmly bring up the issue.

If you feel yourself getting emotional again, simply tell the other person – I am getting too emotional to discuss this calmly… then remove yourself and rinse, wash, repeat! Chances are something else unexpectedly popped up that you need to mentally process and digest. A feeling, a thought, or new information. It is ok to take your time, the other things emotions do is cause a sense of urgency. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

We can’t expect others to understand us when we don’t understand ourselves. The answer is within….

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The difference between finding time and making time for your friends and your friendships

I have written here about the importance, and even the helpfulness of convenience in friendships. I can’t and won’t try and deny it. It feels so good and effortless when you make friends with people in similar circumstances to yourself. Workplace friendships are a prime example of this. You both get paid to be in the same place at the same time…. And bonus, you really hit it off. It’s almost like you get paid to be friends!! Winning. You don't need to make time, you already found it. 

Unfortunately the down side is often reflected when you are no longer getting paid to be in the same place at the same time, and the friendship fails, fades, fractures or fizzles because neither of you made time for it. You were so used to “finding time” that was convenient, and it was too much hassle to make time.

We are ALL guilty of this sometimes. We tell ourselves that we DON’T HAVE TIME, and we make ourselves, and our friends believe it too. As a stay at home mum, I can’t deny how wonderful it feels when I make friends who are available to lunch with me during the day, while the kids are at school and the partners (if they exist) are at work. It’s no hassle to see them when it is convenient for everyone. Then, almost inevitably, my lunch buddies return to work, and suddenly it is much harder to see them, because I have to MAKE time. Previously we were finding time, that was mutually convenient. Does that make sense? Finding time is easy. Making time not so much!

When you make time for your friends and your friendships, you have to sacrifice time you would typically be devoting to something or someone else. You might technically be available to go out with your friend on Friday night for example…. Except that Friday nights are typically the nights you spend alone binge watching all the TV shows you recorded that week. You have to choose which is more important, and as stupid as it seems, more often than not TV wins. Lol 

Should you happen to live alone, and have similar taste in TV shows, this could be a win win situation and you could consider inviting your friend to join you, however when partners, children, shift work and other commitments come into play it can become a nightmare to make time. It has to become a bit of a juggling act, because you want to make time that is still mutually agreeable.  The more friends you invite to the proverbial party, the more obstacles you will face! Besides, if your friend is anything like me, she'll TALK all the way through said shows anyway, so just go out with her. It'll be less frustrating for you both! Haha

Ironically, many of us do this, (choose TV) then complain that we feel lonely. As much as I appreciate those women who can do lunch with me on a school day, I appreciate the times even more when I know they have made a conscious choice to spend time with me over anything else. We are all busy people. If we can agree on a time that is convenient for us both, that is great, but if we can’t, we may have to choose each other. We may have to move an appointment, leave our partner at home with the kids, or take an afternoon off work to spend time with one another.

As I mentioned recently, I remind myself to make time for friendships every Friday. Friendship Fridays because I am a big fan of alliteration! (A word I learned when my more intelligent friend pointed it out to me as I clumsily tried to express this word preference! haha) So each Friday, I think of someone who I should check in with, and make time to spend together. It might be the friend I saw a few days ago who is going through something, or a friend I haven’t seen in a few weeks, and should really see how she is doing. It does not mean I see a friend every Friday, it simply means I try to talk to my friends, and set up a plan to see them in person. I let them know I am thinking of them and that I care. It goes a long way. And it is relatively easy once it becomes habit. It is FINDING TIME to MAKE TIME!

Time goes to whatever we prioritise. What we prioritise, we plan. What we plan, we action, and what we action we MAKE time for. We are never too busy for what we really want to do, we just choose ourselves more often than we choose each other. This needs to change. Choose friendships, not lonelieness. Reality TV is still not real at the end of the day. Get out there and live your life and share it with the people that matter.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Dealing with Demanding Friends.

Most of us have at least one friend who expects a little bit more than we can give. She usually describes herself as “sensitive”- meaning easily offended and let down when her expectations are not met. This not only pains you and makes you feel like a terrible friend, but it also exhausts you, trying to keep up with her demands, - all the while seemingly failing at every turn.

It can feel like this, when she is politely over giving or having a tantrum when she feels you are under giving. 

You know your friend is a good person. You know she probably holds these expectations because these are the kinds of things she would do for you. You know she doesn’t think she is demanding and she doesn’t think her expectations are unreasonable!

She might be the perfect friend. She might cook for you if you are sick, offer to watch your kids while you are away, loan you money, visit when you are in hospital and do many other things you are thankful for (but unable or unwilling) to offer in return. You question if you are selfish. She will always make time for you, and always prioritises you, and you feel awful when you are too busy or tired to do the same.

You’re not a bad friend or a terrible person. You are normal. So is your friend. You are just different. You know she is a good friend, and you want to keep her, but you don’t know how to stop letting her down, or how to be an equally good friend to her in return. So how do you navigate this?

Firstly, don’t accept more than you are willing to give. Examples include: Don’t ask her to babysit your kids all the time if you don’t have the time or desire to return the favour. Pay your own way and spend only what you can afford. Set financial limits on gift giving. If she cooks for you when you are sick, repay her by having her over or taking her out for dinner when you recover. Don’t borrow money from her if you wouldn’t or couldn't lend it to her if she needed it. Spend time with her as often as you would like instead of as often as she would like – but do make sure there is consistency in your commitment to spend time with her, and there are times you invite her for no other reason but to spend time with her.

Of course, it doesn’t need to be an eye for an eye either! One of the most important thing your demanding friend wants is acknowledgement. Sing her praises and she will purr like a kitten, I assure you. This alone, on a consistent basis may be enough. Of course, with your demanding friend, there will always be times that you didn’t meet her expectations. She will usually let you know this in no uncertain terms! She is “Sensitive” remember?! Lol Being angry at her for feeling hurt will not help the situation and you wont feel very good about yourself either if you respond in anger! In extreme cases, you may lose her. Only time would tell if that were such a bad thing, but I hope you don't want to lose her and feel you'd miss her. She would miss you!

When you let your friend down, and you will, make an action plan to help her feel better. Essentially her feelings are hurt because she doesn’t feel important to you, or that her level of friendship is reciprocated. In this instance, praise is needed, but words will not be enough. If you weren’t there for her when she needed you (for any reason) acknowledge it and apologise. No justifications, excuses or reasons. Instead of going over all the things you can’t do for her in your mind, and justifying them, spend time thinking about what you CAN do. Then do them. All your friend wants is to feel valuable to you. There are many ways to tell someone this, or even show them once, but consistency will be key.

If she doesn't doubt your intention or the next time you will see her, she'll know you enjoy her and wont have any reason to feel insecure. Emotional distance triggers these friends. 

The chances are high that your friend is insecure. She probably has low self esteem, internalizes many things as rejection that are not really about herself, and thinks she needs to be perfect to have friends – which is maybe why she does everything that she does. It may be a relief to her if you say no to some of her generous offers, and find ways to let her know she doesn’t need to be perfect. If she stops expecting herself to be perfect, maybe she will stop expecting you to be perfect too! If you can get her to feel secure, you may find her neediness disappears almost instantly. If not, encourage her to find other hobbies, and social outlets because sometimes neediness can stem from loneliness. You can’t fix that alone, but you can help by offering to join a book club with her (even if you don’t intend to stay joined) or encourage her to sign up to a class at her local gym (or whatever other interest she has that may lead to more social interactions.) Maybe you have a friend with similar circumstances who would be better suited to her? Introduce them!

Of course, insecurities and poor self-esteem, self-worth and loneliness may not be the only issues or reasons causing her to be quietly, (or not so quietly) demanding as the case may be! Sometimes our ability to be there for others is tied to our own lifestyles. Some people have more time to put in more effort, and their situation may allow them to prioritise friendships more than yours allows you to reciprocate. Neither of you may have consciously realised this. Perhaps if you were single with no kids you’d be more available, or if you didn’t have to work, or if your partner didn’t work away, or if he was more like her partner, or if you had a partner. Maybe if you could drive and lived closer, or earned the same amount of money, or didn’t work shifts….. You get my drift. All of these things will affect our ability to be the friend we want to be… in a perfect world.

Alas, the world is not perfect, so just focus on what you can do consistently, then put your money where your mouth is and do it!

Note: Sometimes your friend may be upset by an implication that you aren’t close friends, because you are too busy, because you didn’t turn to them in a time of need, because you didn’t seem upset by something she would find upsetting. Don’t get into the semantics of what happened or didn’t happen or why. You don’t have to be as close to her as she wants you to be, but if she is important to you, set about showing her that with words and actions. Don’t tell someone they are important to you and do nothing to support that with actions. Sometimes a gesture, however small, especially when met with consistency, understanding, empathy and kindness is all it takes. Maybe just remind yourself to ask her how she is at least once a week?

What are your ideas on small things we could do to help our friends feel secure, valued and important?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Who? Me? Would I ever be like this?....... hahaha sssssshhhh. Lol ;) 

GALentines (or PALentines) Day!

It’s that time of year again where love is in the air!! I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about Valnetines day, the shops are doing a pretty good job at reminding us all of that on their own.  A happy day for some, although usually only of vague enjoyment… except for the singletons, who may be feeling acutely aware of their single status and the exclusion they feel at not being invited to this particular party. That's where GALentines (or PALentines as the case may be,) comes to the rescue!!!

If you haven’t heard of the concept before, don’t worry I hadn’t either until the topic of friendships entered my consciousness enough to research it. I do know that Friendship day was this month too, but I like this concept better. Here’s a link to my last post about it last year if you are interested. “Happy GALentines Day”

The concept is similar to valentines, except it happens the day before on the 13th. Friendship is not bad luck afterall and we all need friends. So why not celebrate and include all your friends, single or not to join in the proverbial party. Being a weeknight, and keeping in mind many of your friends WILL still want to celebrate Valentines Day too, it might not be the best time to host a dinner party, and with so many of us working during the day, that might not be an option either.

The general gist of GALentines day is that you do something special for your friends – to let them know how important and special they are and how much you value them. Ideally, you could set up some time to spend together, if not on the day, some other time that suits. It is called GALentines day to celebrate females and their friendships with one another, but if you have male friends, or happen to be a male identifying person yourself even, we could also use PALentines – to be even more inclusive.

Character Leslie Knope (Played by Amy Poehler) from Parks and Recreation was the creator of this concept! 

See my post from last year for any ideas on how to celebrate this day with your friends. Personally I like to hand out 10 yellow roses. (The friendship rose) with a little foil wrapped heart attached to a handmade card and a special note inside thanking my friends for their friendship. I leave it on their front door. I take a picture of it so they know it was there and message it to them, which always prompts a conversation about when we can spend some time together, along with some loving words meaningfully exchanged.

Why do I send 10 roses if I only have 5 core friends I hear you ask? Well, obviously I thank my 5 core people. I also give one to my mother because she is my friend forever (Not ForNever!) My husband qualifies as a PALentine because our friendship is as important as any other and worth celebrating. Then I give one to an outer circle friend who I may hope to grow closer to, one to an acquaintance I am hoping to grow, or to someone who I think could use a little positivity, and one to a new friend whose friendship I am hoping to grow, wherever it ends up on the circles. If I buy a bunch of roses, you get 12. In which case I also give one to a childhood friend I’d like to reconnect with or thank for still being in my life, and one for myself, because I need to work on that friendship the most!!! You may even want to consider reaching out to someone you’d like to reconcile with after a period of time apart? (If you dare! Haha)

A sneak peek at my glittery bag of friendship love roses getting ready to go!! :D x

For those of you with less time for a little rose run, a picture, email, message, phone call or poem etc… works just as well. The point is to put conscious effort into your friends for one day, and make EVERYONE in our lives feel loved and special and celebrated.

Today is Friday the 9th of February, so you have the weekend to think about what you want to do and say, and until Tuesday for execution of your plans! Share this idea with as many people as you can, because the world could always use some more love, and that way, maybe your friends will also do something nice for you in return!

I don’t know if you have noticed this, but I usually publish my posts on a Friday. I have dubbed them Friendship Fridays! This serves as a weekly reminder for me every week to reach out to one of my friends and check in. If possible, I make plans to catch up with them, and if not I just let them know that I was thinking of them and I care. So far it has proved very successful, and if GALentines, PALentines or even Valentines is too contrived and commercial for you, I challenge you to try Friendship Friday’s instead! Or do both! I do. The idea is to make friendships a conscious priority and it is the sentiment that matters more than the date!

Are you up for the Friendship Friday’s challenge?

Sharing is caring people. Happy GALentines/PALentines to you all!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

If you're really stuck, time poor, or just a bit slack and unmotivated, that's ok.... use this image I prepared for you earlier?! ;) 

Dealing with Dominant Friends

Some of us are more naturaly dominant by nature, and some of us more naturally submissive. That’s not to say we are all into 50 Shades type scenarios, but all of us are along the scale somewhere. If you fall exactly in the middle, and all your friends do too, then you may not relate too well to this article. If however, you are in the majority, you have probably experienced a more dominant and demanding friend than you consider yourself to be. (If you can’t identify any dominant or demanding friends in your life, then it’s probably you! Lol)

Personally, I tend to fall on the more submissive side when it comes to friendships, and as such I am often drawn to more assertive types of friends. As a result, I have found it really important to have really clear and strong boundaries with some friends. For the most part, I am pretty easy going, and will do whatever keeps everyone happy, even if it wasn’t what I particularly wanted. However, with friends who like to insist on spending money, I set a clear limit of what I will spend and I am careful to basically never spend more than that with them.

With friends who struggle to take no for an answer, I have practiced just saying “No.” No apologies, or justifications, just no. And I will repeat that until I am heard. If I strongly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I used to say yes, then either resent the person for making me go, or I’d say yes initially then “call in sick” when the time came.

With friends I feel are using me, or more interested in the benefits of our friendship than the friendship itself, I start cutting back on the benefits, whatever they may be. You know the type of friend, never seems to want to have anything to do with you until they need something from you, then they’re your best friend… for five minutes anyway! Lol I practice not being as available to give these people whatever it is they are requesting from me and observe if the friendship is still valuable to them. Most times, the friendship issue resolves itself as the friendship dies out.

These friends can be pushy, without meaning to be, or even knowing that they are! They may struggle to hear an implied “no” that a more submissive person is trying to give. I used to say things that would imply that I wasn’t interested such as “Well, it’s going to be a very hot day, and there’s almost no shade there. I’d have to move a few things around to even be able to go, and I wouldn’t have much time if we did, how about so and so?” (Implying that they could take a different friend.) What I would be trying to say is “No. This activity does not interest me. It would be a hassle to attend anyway and I don’t even want to, ask someone else.” I would hope that my dominant friend would hear this. But because she was excited about the intended activity all she heard was “I’ll move some things around and I’ll be there.” Then usually she would be unhappy when I had to leave and would try and again test my limits and get me to stay longer…. If I didn’t call in sick that is!!

I learned you have to be clear when you don’t feel comfortable with something, but that you don’t have to be angry with the person for suggesting it, or even feel pressured. That pressure you feel is internal and comes from that inner people pleaser. Once you quieten her down, you feel ok saying “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll give it a miss. I hope you find someone to go with.” When you are clear there is not much room for them to continue the conversation, and if they do, a quick, “I said no,” will shut the conversation down pretty quickly.
Saying no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with is ok. Your friend shouldn’t like you any less. However it may come as a surprise to her, if you have always done these things before. She probably never realised there was a problem! Expect her to ask if you are ok. Expect her to say you aren’t acting like yourself. Expect her to be hurt and angry and feel rejected. If she does prompt the conversation, be honest with her and tell her you are setting better boundaries for yourself. Be honest and tell her you have not always enjoyed the activities, and most likely if you suggested activities to her she had no interest in she would have no problem saying no. Even tell her you admire that quality and have decided you want to be more like her.

It's usually not someone else that has to change, but your own responses and reactions to them. 

It will be hard at first. She will apply pressure. You will feel guilty. Rest assured that is a reflection of her not respecting your boundaries….. and learning what they actually are. You will probably relent a few times before you get it right, but you can do it.

And you know what, because we are all on the spectrum, you may even find that you are the dominant friend with some of your other friends! So be mindful of that too! You can be friends with someone more dominant than you, as long as you are clear in your own boundaries. Remember to be assertive, not aggressive.

Good Luck!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Find the middle ground

Forget the ending, not the friending!

I had a moment the other night, the kind, when I think about it, happens pretty regularly. Not so long ago, I had a close friend who was unsettled and pretty unhappy in her job. She was considering study, and I encouraged her to follow her ambition towards her more creative side. Of course, the idea of returning to study was daunting, and she’d have probably had to keep up working to sustain her responsibilities at the same time, and although we often discussed it, she never did make a change. Not at the time anyway…..

Unfortunately our friendship ended, as sometimes happens in life, despite ourselves. Alas, life goes on. While I was out on the weekend with my husband, enjoying some much needed and appreciated child free couple time, courtesy of my dad taking the kids camping, we stumbled into a club. As we gained entry, a female security guard, took our ID and photograph. Although she looked nothing like my friend, with her boyish blonde hair and stocky build, somehow she made me think of her. I thought to myself, THIS! This was something my friend would probably have enjoyed and been well suited to. She could have worked nights here, studied, and met many interesting people. I wanted to take out my phone and message her straight away to enlighten her about this epiphany of mine!

I told my husband excitedly that she would have been perfect for this role, and he looked at me confused and bewildered, before saying “So? Who cares about her?! You aren’t friends anymore, remember?” Although this wasn’t news to me, technically, for just a moment, I had forgotten that small detail. Forgotten the ending. Remembering it again was quite a painful and unexpected shock. As my mind wandered over the circumstances, I realised that my memories of this person are frozen in time. For all I know she has changed jobs now, or found satisfaction in other areas meaning her job is no longer a particular issue. I have to accept that the reality is that this person was someone I used to know. Not somebody I still do.

Haha! Sorry! I couldn't resist! :) 

This brings about conflicting emotions in me. On the one hand it is deeply painful, like that person has died, because I ceased knowing her or what her dreams and goals are, or what her life resembles these days. On the other hand, it is easier to let that person go. I don’t know her. You can’t hold onto someone you don’t know, not really.  I still refer to this particular woman as my friend, and I probably always will, in reference. Because the person I knew, she was my friend. The person she is now may not be and that has to be ok.

When my social media plagues me with memories of her, and “reminds me” of all the fun times we shared together, because it hates me and loves throwing my failures in my face, lol, I can look at it with a sense of ease. I miss that person, and the friendship we shared, but that person isn’t gone, and nor is her friendship. It existed. It was real, and it was wonderful while it lasted. It will exist so long as my memories of her do, which will be for many years to come. It doesn’t have to be painful. I do not need to forget about her, although I can forget about the ending of us, I just need to remember that she was someone I used to know and not someone I still do.  Remembering her as it was is so much better than remembering the ending.

Often an ugly ending to a friendship, can leave you wondering if you ever really knew that person to begin with, or if your friendship was ever really real. This was a great way to remind myself that it was real and nobody can ever take that away from us. An ending cannot rewrite history, and I should not allow it to taint what was when I look back. Although I didn’t make it to her future and we are not the same people we were, in many ways our friendship, and it’s ending, probably shaped us and helped us grow. It's all written right there in the pages of our history. 

So this is a thank you to that friend, the one I used to know. I haven’t forgotten you and I do think of you often, as a friend, and I always will. (Also a shout out that I think security would be right up your alley! Haha.... Well the version of you that I used to know anyway!)


❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Is Loneliness your friend?

In my last post I touched on the fact that when my inner circle has an opening, I will start trying to fill it. Both consciously and unconsciously. It doesn’t always happen immediately, it does depend on the fallout. If a friendship fades out slowly and naturally, then the replacement process usually happens at a slower more natural pace too. However, if the friendship fall out was sudden and or painful, the loss seems to be felt at a much deeper level.

Agree or disagree as you will, but my comfort number is 5. I feel like all my social needs of giving and usually receiving are at capacity at 5 inner circle friends. So if one suddenly combusts, I definitely start to feel a bit lonely. This seems perfectly reasonable and understandable, doesn’t it.

I think that is supposed to say love?! Lol

They say that the first step is acknowledging the problem, and if I can identify that I am lonely, the solution seems obvious! Start making more effort to grow existing outer circle friendships and acquaintances, or reach out and start looking for new friends! Why not hedge your bets and do both? I often do! So what’s the problem?

The problem is that this sense of loneliness creates a feeling of unnecessary urgency in the process. It heightens your vulnerability to be susceptible to overlooking red flags, racing into friendships with people you don’t really know just to fill the void. It can lead to intense friendships which feel incredibly charged and powerful at first, but exhausting and even addictive longer term. It can cloud your judgement and you might mistake someone liking you as you liking them. (I mean, who isn’t enchanted and intrigued at least by someone who likes them? It’s a powerful elixir!)

Don't get blinded by all the pretty colours too quickly. See what lasts! 

This causes friendship drama down the road when you want to reduce the intensity, cool the friendship, or essentially realise that you don’t have much in common with that person and probably have never been all that compatible. This realization may come when the rose coloured glasses naturally fade, or when, over a period of time, you meet more of the types of people you really feel you “fit” with and gravitate towards them and away from the other person.

Not only is it bad for you, it’s not particularly kind to the other party either. Of course, people change and grow. Maybe they changed or you did and you weren’t always as incompatible as you seem now. The problem isn’t them, nor is it you, but the circumstances under which you met perhaps?

So what can we do to avoid this problem?  Firstly, acknowledge that you miss your ex friend. Sometimes we confuse that with loneliness. Even if you were the one who ended it, you probably (I hope!) did like your friend and miss things about her and your friendship how it was BEFORE things started to decline between you. Secondly, allow yourself to grieve and miss your friend. She cannot be replaced, she was one in a million and no friendship will be quite like hers. Thirdly, focus on yourself. Make goals. Work goals, health and fitness goals, and recreational goals. Spend a period of time sitting with your emotions and just focusing on these goals, I promise by the end of it you wont notice that urgent feeling so much.

Enjoying your alone time is essential for mental health, as are those social needs. Don’t use one to avoid the other in any variation, but be comfortable with both, and they will find a balance that works for you. Once you feel comfortable and better about yourself because you achieved some goals and no longer fear being alone, you are in optimum condition to begin reaching out. Remember you are looking for friendships, not particular people or traits. Be open and see who you meet. You’ll know when you feel chemistry with someone, even platonically, however you will be aware enough to know that a slow burn is better in the long term. Spend time. Slowly get to know people and see who naturally falls into that inner circle, while still nurturing the others who reside there.

Acting on loneliness actually almost always leads to this exact phenomenon ironically enough! It's a nasty cycle. Break the habit!

Remember that the inner circle is always interchangeable and that is normal. Friendships ebb and flow in closeness for a whole range of reasons, and there is nothing WRONG with you! The worst thing you could do is assume that you must be flawed and inadequate in some way. Just keep being you and keep that confidence up regardless of other people, and the right sorts will be drawn to you.  Just because someone has a place in your inner circle doesn’t mean you are entitled to a place in theirs. Similarly, just because someone has been a member “forever” (ForNever even!) doesn’t mean their time there is guaranteed, nor is your time with anyone else.

Enjoy the people in your inner circle for as long as you have them there, and allow themselves, and yourself the freedom to change who resides there from time to time. Keep an open mind, be open to new people, even when you are at capacity, and take a good look at those friends who are in the outer circle. Are you in their inner circle? Is there some reason they didn’t make it to yours? Have you simply overlooked someone, or have they just not blossomed naturally yet. Water the friendship some more and see what blooms.

It must be planted, nurtured, watered, cared for before it blooms, as it blooms and after it blooms. Patience and love will go a long way, and nothing will hurry it along. (Unlike flowers though, bullsh*t wont help in this situation! haha) 

Is loneliness your friend? No, but it also isn't your enemy. You don't desperately need to escape it. Just let it visit and naturally pass. Desperation is off putting to healthy people anyway, so you wont attract the right sorts typically under those conditions. We all feel it occassionally, just don't let it be a permanent state!

Remember that the social need in humans is real, but the more urgent it feels, the less genuine and rewarding the fruits will be. Take your time. Be patient. Have faith. Enjoy the sunshine while you wait, and water your own inner seed. I should take my own advice, and I will! 

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

It takes time. Put time into it, first waiting, then nurturing the soil, then watering it and providing various amounts of shade and light. Time and effort, one flower at a time. The natives to your soul will grow the best, the fastest and last the longest. Enjoy the rest for as long as you have them. x

The friendship life cycle - circle of 5!

Recently, a friend of mine was discussing with me that as a single woman, she often relies heavily on social interactions to meet her emotional needs, but that as most of her friends are coupled, these friendships often seem one sided, and at times exhausting to maintain.

My friend seemed to feel that she had to really put in the effort for these friends, and conduct the friendships on their terms. She felt she didn’t have many friends whom she felt gave as much to the friendships as she does. She says she understands their family lives and that they have less time for her, and sometimes she has to be flexible to fit in around their work, children and partners, however, that always being the one to make all the effort is tiresome.

The conversation rolled around to my personal “Rule of 5.” To recap this for you, I find I am at my social peak when I maintain 5 close core friendships. Any less and I start to feel lonely, and anymore and I start to feel drained and overwhelmed. I give a lot of myself in my friendships, so that may be why my number can be counted on the fingers of one hand! These are the main 5 people I will make effort to maintain strong friendships with and not usually feel "tired" in doing so, because the reward is worth the effort, and the relationships are reciprocal enough that I am not score keeping on who made more effort. 

Wow!

Each person’s number will be unique to them, depending on their friendship style and how much time effort and energy they place into friendships to begin with. There is no right or wrong number, although I think 5 is ideal, 1 is too few, and 10 is probably too many. But hey, each to their own! I was pretty pleased with myself as I encouraged my friend to consider her close friends and put a number on it. My friend had printed pictures of her fur babies for the picture on the front of her personalized Christmas cards this year, and disclosed that she had printed only  10, so that must be her number.

She was pretty pleased to state that I myself had made it into her top 10 close friends! I am going to be honest with you. If I did make it into her top 10, my best guess would be 10th place! Not that I need her to rank us, but although we do at times border on a close friendship, and it may in time grow into a closer one, for now, I’d categorize us into the casual, recreational type of friends. Not that it matters. I have long ago accepted I am an outer circle friend of hers, and likely to stay there. Just as I have my own outer circle friends. What I was asking my friend, was to identify her inner circle friends, and focus on putting more effort into those, rather than exhausting herself keeping up with the likes of me! (Unless I make the top 5! Lol) The point being for her to identify her number, then assess if she is putting effort into the right people.

See how there is 5 in the inner circle there. Point proven! haha

My friend found this a curious circle of friendship life. She poked holes in my number theory, and I wanted to explore that. She asked me, what happens if one of the 5 core friendships end. I was quick to admit that I will immediately “begin the hunt” for a replacement, and to be honest, it doesn’t usually take too long to find myself back at 5! She asked, in your need to fulfill your “quota” (she said this with a heavily sarcastic tone. I do love how we laugh together!) does this sometimes lead you to make poorer choices? In reflection, yes. It does. She has a valid point that at times I have indeed added someone to the core circle who wasn’t really compatible with me to begin with, or someone I didn’t know well enough to have naturally developed inner circle bonds with! (Post on that to follow for sure! Stay tuned)

She also asked me if I ever move people from my outer circle up to my inner circle. That question sat uncomfortably in the air as I pondered my response and reluctantly admitted that perhaps for a time, a person from the outer circle would be moved up a level, however it was usually only temporary, to fill a need. That experience with these people have taught me that outer circle works for us and inevitably they seem to fall back there.  She asked if they knew that they were outer circle friends, and I sheepishly looked at the floor and mumbled “I hope not!” Although with at least one of these friends, I believe I am also her outer circle friend too, so that feels ok! Haha Awkward. We don’t discuss it that’s for sure! Lol

The last question she asked perturbed me the most. If I am only capable of 5, what happens when I am at capacity and I meet someone new I want to add in? I could feel her eyes boring into my soul as the ugly truth revealed itself. I met her gaze, gave her a wicked grin and said matter of factly. “Yes. Someone will hit the chopping block!” How awful! I know! Let me explain!! ….

That’s not to say that any of my friendships failed because someone better came along! They didn't! If only it were that simple! However it stands to reason that in order to give that friendship the oxygen it needs to burn, the intensity of some of my other friendships is going to reduce. It is not a calculated decision where I make a list and cross someone off! I do try and maintain more than 5 if I am lucky enough to meet worthy people! (Worthy. Got tickets on myself much?! I’m only digging a deeper hole for myself here aren’t I?!) The thing is, some friendships require more oxygen to survive than others. When I reduce that oxygen, some of them just fizzle out. They needed that intensity to keep burning.

While at the start of a new friendship, there often is that rush and that excited intensity, if it continues to need that same level to burn, it has probably become unhealthy. Very few friendships in this category have learned, on either side, to handle the reduced flow! Jealousies and insecurities creep in and cracks start to form at the foundation. A little bit of space becomes a whole lot of drama or distance, usually both! 

Of course, sometimes it boils down to “You seem to like friend 6 more than you like me?” There is no easy or nice way to say this, but often, that is the cold hard truth. You can’t always explain the chemistry you feel with someone, even in friendship, and nor should you have to. After all, one of the best things about friendships are the non-monogamous, voluntary, open nature of them. If I choose to emotionally move away from one in favour of the other, that is ok. Even if I have known one longer than the other. If that turns out to be a mistake on my part, and I have been burned by this before, then that is my cross to bare!

Sorry. Sometimes it be's like that! :/ 

I have been on the brutal receiving end of this emotional shift myself, so I do understand how confusing and hurtful it can be when a close friend suddenly pulls away somewhat in favour of somebody else. Experience has taught me to tolerate the shift and wait back in the outer circle for another opening, IF the friendship means enough to me that is. Let the new friend have the oxygen that is needed to grow a new inner circle companion, then there will be plenty to go around in time. One hand feeds the other.

I can’t help this. 5 is my natural instinctual number. None of us have unlimited energy to give to friendships, nor unlimited oxygen to keep them burning on high heat. If a friendship can't simmer, I guess it will burn out... or you will, trying to maintain too many friendships and finding none of them are that close or maybe even reciprocal as a result.

What’s your natural number?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

This is true regardless of your number. This is what it is all about. Increasing the value regardless of the size. 

Is a sense of detachment a good thing or a bad thing in Friendships?

Along this journey of friendship and self discovery, I have noticed a new pattern creeping into my friendships that I wanted to explore. I now seem to go into most of my friendships with a sense of detachment. Whereas I used to get excited to hear from new friends, or even older but closer friends, I now live my life in such a way that I don’t expect to hear from them and don’t much care if I do.

That sounds like I am saying I don’t like hearing from my friends, which isn’t quite true. Of course I love hearing from them. I still enjoy the feeling after a new friend calls to talk about something personal, and I realise she thinks of me as a close enough friend to discuss such things and someone to count on. What’s not to love about that?

Still I notice I take these things as they come. Just because she considered me a friend today does not lead me to assume she will feel the same way tomorrow, and I also no longer assume because she likes me that we are “friends.” I have now also learned to consider if I like her or not. That hasn’t always been as simple and straight forward as it sounds. Plenty of times I can identify when an overbearing boundary crossing person has entered my life and claimed friendship, regardless of if I wanted to be her friend or not. And usually I didn’t question it. If someone liked me, we became friends.

I remain open to these people, and all the other new friends that could potentially blossom into my life at any time, but I am also weary. I feel I am much more closed off emotionally than I used to be. I don’t disclose much about my inner self for quite some time, and am very aware early on when I don’t think someone has what it takes to be there for me in the ways I need. My therapist (who drives the BMW!! I've mentioned this, yes?! Lol) tells me that this is great for me. It is healthy to practice letting people in, and choosing who those people are. Practicing safe boundaries and all that.

Sometimes boundaries and detachment is a good thing

I see she has a point and I feel great that I am able to let friendships take their natural course and not try and force every person I become friends with to be the friend I need, letting them be the type of friend that they ARE!  I used to have, and still sometimes do struggle, with having very rigid beliefs about what a friend should be, what they should disclose, what they should ask, how often they should be in touch, how quickly they should respond, and even at times, how they should respond. I still have my preferences about all of these things, as I imagine we all do. Yet we can all probably acknowledge that the answers will vary for us individually. Which is why in essence there is NO RIGHT answers to these things. However, when I hold these expectations of what a friends should do, I am usually basing that expectation around what I would do for them.

I am a friend to enough people, that I feel overall, I am a pretty good friend. Even if that is only true while it lasts.... So I feel justified that I know how to be a good friend. Ironically the person I know how to be the best friend for is myself, and usually I am not all that friendly to myself. Also a work in progress. Haha But basing my ideals off friendship based on how I act is flawed logic. How I act is representative of how I want other people to act towards me. But as I just discussed – I am not friends with myself. (Yes, I should be!) I am friends with other people. So the best way to be friends with them, is usually their way!

What many of us fail to see, is that our friends are not just our friends. They are people. They have full lives, pasts, experiences, triggers, emotional needs and wants of their own. They also have other relationships, responsibilities and circumstances to ours, dictating their time, priorities and values differently. Basically, they are different to us! D'uh!  What we may do in an effort to make someone happy may actually make them unhappy, and vice versa. Take my friend with the crippling anxiety for example. She worries constantly that her messages will be intrusive and bothersome. It worries her if she wants to contact me at school pick up time or dinner time. She is usually so reluctant that she will wait for me to reach out to her. But I like hearing from my friends. Sure, I am not free to chat for half an hour at dinner time, but a quick text, I can handle. I do reach out to her, but usually not as frequently or as quickly as she would prefer, and I find it silly that no matter how much reassurance I give her that it is fine to message me any time, she still tries not to. When I message her, I do it whenever suits me and honestly, whenever I remember. I know she works shifts, so she may be asleep or at work, but I know she will get back to me when she has time.  Perhaps she finds this intrusive and would prefer I messaged only at certain times. See how easily these perceptions of what a friend should do can be different enough to cause problems?

I didn’t always, but I now respect that my friends are people! Sounds absurd, doesn't it. Perhaps I used to think of them as characters, co stars in my own movie kind of deal?! (I know right! Narcissistic much?!)  I now acknowledge the my friends have lives - outside of and separate to my own and when I make contact they might not have the time or energy to respond. They might forget to respond. Their lives don’t revolve around me\?! Shock horror! Lol They may forget to check in after an accident, illness or issue we have discussed. I used to interpret this to mean that they don’t care, but it’s just that they are busy. Honestly. I am not in the forefront of their mind. Nor should I be. I get that now.  Whereas I do try to make extra effort to do that for others, to follow up and follow through, others often think if I want to speak about it again, I will touch base again myself. I used to think that was wrong, but I see now there is no right and wrong, just different.

All that sounds pretty positive, and for me, it really has been. In both setting boundaries for others and recognizing and respecting theirs – as people not just as "my" friends. So has being able to sometimes separate the issue and realise that they are not bad or intentionally hurtful people even if they aren’t particularly good friends. I can acknowledge that “good friends” is subjective and personal. Perhaps they are great friends to other people with different needs and expectations. The most helpful thing has been separating that sometimes someone lets you down once or twice, but that doesn’t make them a bad friend period, just perhaps not in the best place in their life at that moment to be a good friend, or offer the type of friendship that best meets my needs. 

What hasn’t been as positive is the emotional isolation that I had started to feel. This was mostly because of my niggling expectation that friends are people and people DO AND WILL let you down. Friendships do end and this is normal. I can accept that. However I must be aware that just because friendships do fail, doesn’t mean that they WILL all inevitably fail. After feeling some rifts in some pretty close friendships, I noticed that I could acknowledge, albeit with some sadness, that these friendships were probably going to end. I came to peace with that as though I have accepted that is always what will transpire.

I became closed off, and stopped reaching out to these friends, who always seem too busy to be there for me in any real way. Our catch ups started to feel more hollow, because too much time had passed in between and so much had happened and I had gotten through it on my own that I thought I didn’t need to open up too much now anyway. Recently I caught up with one of these friends, after far too long had passed, and she shared something with me that did not fit with my theory that we were ending. In return I shared something with her. This beautiful and meaningful exchange continued on into the wee hours of the morning, the way it always used to, and I noticed how energized I felt even at 3am as I left. Because I had shared some things, I had been vulnerable to her, as she had with me. Because I realised I do need friendships even though I can get through things on my own. My friends get through things on their own too, but we choose to support each other as much and as often as we can!

It felt wonderful to share with this person again. I felt alive! To engage and use what little time we had to talk about the real issues, the things that are closest to our hearts rather than catching up on who bought what car etc…

Harder than it sounds, but also more rewarding!

I concluded that while a certain amount of detachment is good, too much will only isolate me and ensure that the friendships do end. Which isn’t what I ultimately want, although I know it does happen. I want to make sure I am doing what I can to make my friendships healthy and lasting, and that means being vulnerable even when it feels uncertain. Ultimately you will only get as much out of a friendship as you put in. Sometimes that means putting in less because less is all you will get in return, but sometimes it means putting in more. It’ll be worth the effort. I promise.

To that special friend, and you know who you are, there is an extremely long message coming your way about all sorts of things I’d love to share with you. I’ll send it on Monday, when I know it is more convenient for you. Anyways, who knows what the weekend might add to it by then. Better yet, let's catch up and talk in person. Tuesday? :D I vow to put more effort into our friendship again, even at the risk of it ending, in the hope that it isn't!

Keep in touch!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Maybe I am finally approaching full emotional maturity? Ok, probably not, but I can at least see the path. Gotta start somewhere, right? :) 

3 Easy Resolutions to strengthen your friendships

I can’t believe it is already the end of 2017?! Where did the year go? Just like many of you I am sure, I probably made some pretty loft resolutions last year that I didn’t quite live up to in the last 12 months.  So I thought this year, I would simplify the matter, and make 3 easy and attainable resolutions or friendship goals for us all to follow.

1. Grow at least one acquaintance into a more meaningful friendship. This means spending a little more time with a person on a personal level and sharing a little more about yourselves. If you usually meet in a group, get together one on one. If you usually meet at an activity, arrange something outside of that activity.

2. Practice being more open, honest and vulnerable with your friends. Don’t say you are fine even if you are not. Don’t assume your problems are not as important as someone else’s. Let them be a friend to you, let them be there for you. Encourage them to do the same with you.

3. Schedule in more regular friend time. Maybe start with one day or evening a month and put it in your new diary as a friend day. You can plan in advance the friend and activity you would like to do, or leave it to closer to the time, but put a reminder in your phone and make it a priority to make sure you do this. Maybe ask your friends to do it too and if you can all agree on the 1st of the month or something you know most of them will also be free. Make sure you keep the time balanced. Equal talking and listening, equal fun times and equal consistency in effort to make this happen! Just like Shasta Nelson’s Friendship Formula
That’s it peoples. Simple. Good Luck!

Wishing you all the best this year, to you and all your friendships!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is a Gift of Giving

I am the first to admit that I love Christmas! I love the decorations and the lights, the cheesy Christmas romance movies, the food, the giving and receiving of gifts, and the pure joy and delight on my children’s faces on Christmas morning. I love spending it with family and all the traditions that go along with it. It really is a magic time of year. For me.

That said, it’s not lost on me that this can be the loneliest time of year for some, and the busiest and most stressful time for many. In the spirit of Christmas, I wanted to remind you all that giving is the true spirit, and that friendship is the greatest and most valuable gift you can offer!!

So, here’s a few tips on making Christmas a joyous time for your friends too.

1. Spend some time with them. It is the best time of year to make time for your friends. Do as many Christmas catch up’s as you can. You do not need to exchange gifts, and it does not need to cost money. Time is the greatest gift you have to offer, so make sure you have reached out and caught up with all the friends you hope to keep close in the new year.

2. Help. Think of the most helpful thing you could manage to do for your friend, that you can do and would be willing to do, and do it. Or at least offer. If your friend has all the cooking to do – suggest you get together and do your Christmas cooking as a team, splitting the duties and drinking wine as you go. Or if your friend is a parent, offer to come over after the kids go to bed one night and wrap presents with them. Maybe offer to take them to your place and wrap them for her or store them until Christmas eve. (I had a few wrapping catch ups over the last few years, and it is fun and it really lightens the load!) If wrapping isn’t your forte then perhaps offer to take the kids out of the house so the parent/s can get some things done! If you are going to the shops, phone your friends and see if they need you to grab any last minute items for them. You get the drift. Try to be as helpful as you can.

3. Thoughtfulness. If you seriously don’t have the luxury of the time to be catching up and helping, at least try and be as thoughtful as you can. A simple Merry Christmas text on Christmas morning might mean more than you realise to someone who might not have much family around on the day.  If you can identify any friends who will be waking up alone on Christmas day, or even spending the day alone, try to be thoughtful and considerate! Invite them to spend time with you on the day at some point if possible. (My husband is working Christmas Day this year, leaving the kids and I to fend for ourselves. While we will be spending the day with my parents and the evening with my brother, an invite from a dear friend to go swimming with them in the afternoon really warmed my heart.) SIDE NOTE: Remember it is SUMMER here in Australia at Christmas time and it is HOT!! Anyway...  If you simply can’t offer any time that day, and many of you cannot, I know, then perhaps do something thoughtful like deliver flowers, or a bottle of wine and a boxed set of DVD’s and some snacks in a hamper to help your friend fill the day with an invite to discuss the show at a later stage. Or some knitting or crafting supplies if they are that way inclined. You get the gist of it. Try not to leave any of your friends feeling forgotten.

4. Kindness. Do something kind this Christmas for someone, and don’t let on that it was you! It could be leaving a present under a wishing tree, or a donation of food, clothes, toys or money for the needy, or leaving an anonymous note telling someone that they are a wonderful person. Donate blood, or join the organ donor list. Anything that will help someone else or make them smile.

Christmas has indeed become commercialized; more about gifting than giving. Lets all try to remember that giving is a gift in of itself and these small acts and gestures are at the heart of it all.

Friendship is the greatest gift – so give yours to people freely and willingly, old friends, new friends and yet to be friends.

Merry Christmas Friends!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

When you don’t know, or don’t really understand why a friendship ended.

Most of us can relate to an ended friendship. Many of us can relate to the pain and confusion that this can cause. Sadly, many of us can also relate to the crippling self doubt that occurs in the wake of the heart ache, which seems to be exacerbated if you don’t know the reasons for the fri-ending.

Maybe you suddenly noticed you were unfriended and blocked on social media without any explanation. Maybe you had a falling out about something, and parted ways, but you always thought ending it on a petty disagreement didn’t fit and you wondered what the real reason behind the ending was. Maybe your friend did give you a reason, but it wasn’t clear to you exactly what the issue was, either she didn’t say or you didn’t understand. Or maybe she told you clear as day why but you disagreed or couldn’t accept her perception of things?

I have experienced all of these, and can definitely relate. I have questioned myself, and sometimes the friend in question about how I could fix the matter. I have apologized for things I didn’t do, or apolgised even though I didn’t really know what I was apologizing for. I have replayed endless conversations in my mind, looking for clues of offensive things I said, or things I failed to say but should have. I have re-read emails, texts and messages long into the wee hours of the mornings looking for answers or signs of when things started going wrong that I missed. I have had endless imaginary conversations with ex-friends in my mind. Some where I am relentlessly sorry and willing to prove my worth and regain trust. Some where I am cool calm and collected, where I state my case confidently and don’t care for the outcome. Some where I underline the triggers I think both of us have encountered along the way and we come to a mutual understanding. And even some where I am witty and funny with just the right come backs and use humour to navigate the stormy seas.

All too little too late of course, and all conversations that almost never end up becoming a reality, and if they do, the person never says any of the stuff I planned responses for in my mind. I wish I didn’t do this. And I wish I could tell you to stop doing it too. But we both will. This is the mind’s way of trying to find closure, to understand what happened at least so we can move forward and learn from past mistakes as it were.

Let me help you with this one. You mean something. You matter. Regardless of them! And you know you probably did mean something to them once, even if you no longer do.

The problem with that though, is that we assume we have made a mistake. That we must be in some way to blame. This is neither true nor helpful, and blaming yourself will only hurt you further. Of course, then the brain goes on the defensive, listing all the things you did for that friend that she didn’t appreciate or the things she said or did that were hurtful or offensive, and you go on to try and turn it all around and tell yourself you are glad that friend is no longer in your life anymore. At least telling yourself that feels like closure even though it isn’t because you still harbour feelings of anger and resentment.

This is natural of course, because as I have mentioned before when someone says I hate you they really mean you hurt me. And that is the crux of the issue. Someone hurt you. The brain gets caught in this holding pattern of needing the same person who hurt you to be the one who heals you. And as it gets stuck there, the wound just keeps bleeding. Just like any other wound to your body, emotional scars can heal themselves, if we stop picking at them. So how do we do that?

Apply pressure to the wound! Don’t let any negative germs in – self doubt. Don’t worry about why this friendship has ended. It has. For now anyway. It may help to consider that this may be a temporary separation. Instead of focusing on the past and searching for clues, or focusing on the future and having imaginary conversations, concentrate on right now. What do you need right now? You need sleep. You need self care and love.

Instead of confronting your friend, or begging her, think about what you feel and why. Not what she feels. Not what she did or didn’t do or what you did or didn’t do. You feel hurt, you feel abandoned. You feel not good enough. You might even feel a bit like you failed. This can bring on feelings of shame and guilt.  None of that feels good. But once you identify it, you can start healing it. You can remind yourself of all the lovely qualities you offer, things you are proud of and remind yourself that nobody else gets to judge if you are good enough or not. Maybe you did make a mistake, or maybe you didn’t. Your friend has chosen to walk away, so remind yourself that was her own choice, not your consequence for poor behaviour. Think of things you can do to move forwards and achieve some of your own goals. If you don’t have any – set some personal goals! Focus on yourself. You deserve it, and you are worth it.

When you feel the endless relentless thoughts creeping in, instead of googling it and reading endless articles like this one, focus on something green, for example. How many green things can you see? The lawn is green. Did you water it today? Just redirect your thoughts and a new thought trail will happen. I often start by saying to myself “I don’t want to think about this.” Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about it, even if you don’t change anything, and sometimes it helps to write it down, and then leave it alone. What you are achieving when you get bogged down in the semantics, is reliving the hurt over and over. You need to acknowledge the hurt, allow yourself to feel hurt and validate those painful feelings, then remind yourself that you did not deserve to be hurt and agree to stop hurting yourself more by trying to understand the reasons why. Maybe the other person knows why, or maybe they don’t really know either. At the end of the day understanding it changes nothing anyway. It still happened, as life tends to do. It will pass, if you let it. Stop trying to blame yourself or themselves.

Easier said than done, I agree, but possible.  

Note – If you need to say sorry, then by all means do so. Once. Then leave it alone. Only time will tell what will happen and we cannot control the outcome one way or the other. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know it will be ok. I’m sure of it!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Think about it, seriously... it makes sense... 

The Art of Gift Giving - one simple tip

'Tis the Season to be Jolly! How quickly this time of year has rolled around?! I swear it gets faster and faster as I get older!

Now is the time many of us start thinking of the perfect gifts to give. Often we know just the things to get for family, and the token gifts to give to acquaintances and teachers etc… but the people we get stumped with most often, are our friends. Ironically, sometimes the closer we are, the harder we find it to buy just the right thing for them.

While jewelry and perfume are always good back up options, especially if your friend has a passion for these things, it is best to think about your friend and the things she enjoys the most. This isn’t a post about ideas to buy your friend. After all, I don’t even know her. I did however write this post last year “Five meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season” which you may want to peruse.

I wanted to share something I noticed about my mother’s gift giving style which I resented, but noticed I am also guilty of similar things, albeit in different ways. My mother doesn’t like to waste money on junk. When she buys you a gift she prefers that it meets a need and is useful. She would rather buy you a vacuum cleaner than walking shoes, but would also rather buy you walking shoes than perfume. That said, she would rather buy you perfume than buy you something frivolous like a toy, if you happen to like toys for example. I mention that because my brother, who is older than me by 6 years still loves his toys and superheros. He loves transformers and robots and scifi movies. However my mother insists on buying him things like a leaf blower or an electric drill. Because those are the things she values.

I dislike this and have said to her many times “Why not buy him something he actually wants instead of something he needs.” Ever practical, she reminds me than needs surpass wants in this responsible adult lifestyle to which we all conform. Sigh. I have long ago accepted mum’s preference, and in fact hugely appreciate the ever sought after Kmart vacuum that she went to great lengths to secure, that was then gifted to us early because the old one ate itself or something. Lol My point is that I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to get people things they actually liked, and wanted, not things they needed.

(Mum’s theory is if she buys something they need, they can use their own money to buy something they want. But in my experience, the list of things you need seems to always outweigh the ones you want and you often never do get around to wasting your own money on the things you want. But if someone else wastes theirs…. That’s different. Right?!)

Ok, so I wasn’t like mum. I buy frivolous things. I’ll buy my friends dresses or shoes even if they already have a million of these things, or movie tickets, or other experiences – anything from sky diving, to massages to meals or play passes. I’ll buy them jelwellery and chocolates and perfume. I’ll buy them hair dryers or curlers, or straighteners or unicorn related items if they like unicorns for example. Even unicorn poop!! Haha. Yes, you can buy that now! Lol What I had not recognized until recently was that these are all things I enjoy buying, giving, and even receiving as presents.

Now, I have done all my shopping for my friends and family, because I am organized like that, and most of it is even wrapped! Yep! Summer holidays are approaching here in Australia and I don’t have much time left to get it done! Seriously! Lol Anyway, bragging about my organisational ability aside, I have a single friend who lives alone with her fur babies. As she is often alone on Christmas morning, she asked if she could give me some money and some ideas and I could go and buy her some things from Santa so she could still have a fun surprise on Christmas day. I thought this was a great idea, and as I love Christmas and all the shopping etc…. I was excited to help. However when she started giving me the list of ideas for gifts for herself…. I had to compare it to the things I have already got her. It made me question if I really know this person at all. Her list included things like lego and an alarm clock that makes your tea in the morning and matching dog and human pyjamas. Yes, you read that correctly! Haha

Buy something they want, or something meaningful, or both!

Needless to say, nothing I had already bought her made it onto her suggested list. (Sorry, you probably wont like my presents chick! Just a heads up! Lol) And I only noticed my hypocrisy when I scoffed at the pyjamas and said to myself “I wont be buying those.” I said it, but I heard my mothers voice when I did. Although I want my friends to enjoy their gifts, and I do try and think of what they like and things they have mentioned along the way, for the first time I realised my mother buys people things she values, and I do just the same thing! Not needs I value, but wants I value.

So my best tip for you is to really think about your friend and what brings her joy. The things that she would want regardless of if you would want the same things! Don’t make my mistakes and buy people things that you like. (You may not even notice that you do this! I didn't!) Buy them things that they like. How crazy simple is that?! Maybe you think it is a waste of money, but is your friends happiness not worth it?

Might be an idea to follow?

NOTE: I still did not buy the pyjamas?! haha I did look for them but they weren’t available for shipping here down under, and it would have been outside her budget anyway and would not have arrived in time. But maybe I will keep it in mind for next year or for her birthday. The point is I will no longer consider things that bring people joy a waste of money, but a purchased smile. Not something my mother will find me doing, no matter how good the vacuum is! (Sorry Mum, I am grateful! I promise! haha) 

TIP: Don't do this!!!

Season’s Greetings people!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Best friends in adulthood…. Reality or Fantasy?

As we age, we start to change and mature. We get busier and while we still hold on to the childhood fantasy of that one and only best friend, many of us struggle to feel like it is actually attainable, and if it is attainable, it seems even more unlikely that it is maintainable. Often we crave that person to whom we disclose everything, our deepest (and often darkest) thoughts, feelings, fears, fantasies and opinions. The same person who is always there for us, who makes us laugh, shows us a good time and is always there in a time of need. Yet in reality we may be faced with many surface level friends who prefer to keep the topics to weather or the garden,  avoid anything particularly personal, and are too busy to spend much time with us at all.

The title of this webpage is Best Friends ForNever for a reason. Not to say I am not a believer that such close bonds between women can happen. They can and they do. However it usually isn’t the same best friend you had in primary (elementary) school that is with you in retirement…. And if it is there has usually been a long pause in your friendship somewhere along the line.  It isn’t always the same person forever, and it isn’t even always ONLY one person?! Also, I have discussed unequal friendships here before, the kind where someone may consider you a best friend of  theirs, or vice versa when the sentiment isn’t really reciprocated.

So, how does one establish a best friendship? And can you ever be sure it is reciprocal? Is it important? As Shasta Nelson, Author of Frientimacy, often states in her own writing, the first mistake many of us make is seeking for someone to be a best friend instead of allowing someone to become a best friend. Does that make sense?

Having a best friend who meets all your needs is amazing. I wont deny it. However, it also puts A LOT of pressure on that one person to meet all of your needs, and as amazing as she is, that is unrealistic. So regardless of if you have found someone you consider a best friend or not, please stay open to seeking other friendships, and allow your friends the space and freedom to do the same. If you have not found her yet, please don’t go searching for her. Search for people you have things in common with. Friends you enjoy. Friends who interest you or stimulate you intellectually or emotionally.

Spend time with these people, with no pressure on them to become closer, or for them to be anything more than they are. Be aware of your needs, and notice how they all meet different ones. Be grateful for that. Personally I have friends who enjoy the same leisure activities as me, and friends who share the same passions or lifestyles. I have “mummy” friends to chat to about parenting, and school friends to reminisce about old times. I have online friends who I have never met. I have friends with whom I do more talking and friends with whom I do more listening. I have friends who stay within certain topics of conversation and friends who discuss everything and anything. I have friends who share far too much and friends who share almost nothing of themselves.

I used to find many of these friendships unsatisfying. I feel this is in large part because I had an unacknowledged expectation that every friend should be as close as a best one, and that I was wasting time with people if they could not or would not at least try and meet me at that level. With much therapy and personal reflection over time, I came to realise something important. It was not my friends who were letting me down, but my expectation of the friendships, that caused my dissatisfaction more than the people.

It wasn’t easy, but I learned to enjoy people for what they are. This includes seeing them for who they are. Acknowledging their boundaries. Respecting them. Not pushing them to give more, share more, or be closer than feels natural for either of us. Best friendships are not forced, and that is part of their beauty. I see that now.

Some of the people I spend the most time with are not able to meet my emotional needs. I have tried talking to them and have not been met with the empathy, caring or even at times listening skills that I require to feel close to someone on that level. However, for many of them, I do meet their needs, and that is where an imbalance can sometimes occur. However, I no longer feel uncomfortable when a friend says to me that I am her best friend even if I don’t feel the same way. She is expressing her experience of the friendship, in relation to the other relationships in her life and I am happy to be someone that people feel comfortable with… even if I don’t feel quite as comfortable with them in return.

Equally I no longer internalize it if someone does not find me to be their best friend. I no longer feel the need to be everybody’s bestie, and can acknowledge that perhaps the qualities I value and the qualities I offer do not actually meet the needs of some people, however much I might want them to.

I am not prepared to say that I don’t have a best friend. Perhaps I do. Infact perhaps I have a few. And they are the friends with whom I feel able to express myself fully. To be vulnerable without fear. These are the people who best meet my emotional needs as a friend. The people I turn to. I’d like to hope that these women feel the same way as I do, but it doesn’t really matter. If they have other people who meet their needs better than I do, then that’s fantastic. Because it means everybody’s needs are being met.
And let’s not forget we have other needs too! I can talk to these few friends about everything and anything, but I usually don’t. We often discuss more private matters and feelings and such, not spending much time on the everyday matters. That doesn’t mean I don’t want or need to discuss these things too, and that is where my other friends come in.

I love my fun friends. The ones who always make me laugh. We have adventures, and we fill our social cups together. I need that.  I love my leisure ladies, who enjoy long lunches, massages, movies and with whom the time melts away. I need that. I love my fascinating friends, who are full of stories, adventures, drama’s and unique perspectives on this world that interest me and stimulate my thinking. I need that. I love my mummy friends who talk and listen endlessly about parenting, poop, predicaments and sleep, school and social issues. I need that. I love my friends who I have known forever, with whom, much of the time conversation is not even necessary, and who know me in a way that only long term friends can. I love you all. I need you all. You all meet very important needs and I express a different side of myself with all of you.

Do I feel closer to some of these friends than others? Yes. I feel closer to the ones I feel really listen to me. Hear me. Understand me. Validate me. But I love you all and I know you all love me, in your own ways. I am sure some of you feel less close to me than I do to you also, and that is ok too. Just because some are closer than others, doesn’t necessarily make them more valuable. (As the term best would imply) Perhaps instead of searching for that one best friend, we should hope for a few close friends? The term best friend is so exclusionary and takes away from our other friendships in essence. My closest friends are not people I searched for. They happened authentically over time. First they were acquaintances, then casual friends and as we spent more time together each of us SLOWLY revealed more personal things, and tested the waters and the reactions we got. If we felt comfortable, heard, validated, understood and not judged, then we felt safer to disclose a little more. At least one of these friends discloses all of herself to me in return and it is a beautiful thing. One of them shares less of herself but I still value and appreciate how much of myself she lets me share and express.  The rest of them I appreciate how much they do share of themselves, and failing that I value what we both share and enjoy together on a less personal level.  

If you are feeling a bit lonely, even if you are surrounded by friends, it is likely that you feel nobody hears you, validates you and understands you the way you need. If you haven’t tried being a bit more vulnerable with a few people, please do. They may surprise you. (Even if you have nothing in common and you feel it’s an unlikely match!) Meanwhile, I always find journaling a good strategy for self expression (or a blog! Lol) and I recommend a mental health professional too. After all you pay them for exactly that!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx