Are friendships effortless?

Upon reading the following article published by www.psychologytoday.com on 25/08/17, written by Miriam Kirmayer entitled Adult friendships; The lies we tell ourselves, I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment that telling ourselves friendships should be effortless is a big lie! There seems to be this societal belief, or even expectation that all good and meaningful friendships are effortless. They require no time, attention or maintenance. There are no expectations, no upset feelings and no drama! Not only that, but that the acquisition of friendships is a smooth simple process and the ending of friendships is a mutual non event also.

Why does this perception exist? It is unreasonable and untrue and causes those of us struggling with friendships to feel isolated and somewhat broken as a result. “What is wrong with me that I struggle to make or keep friends?” While this sort of self reflection can be helpful, the image that everyone else is socially successful is anything but helpful.

There will always be times in our lives where the social calendar is at capacity, and all is flowing well. What that capacity is, exactly, differs for everyone, (Mine is 5, as previously mentioned) however the satisfaction from engaging in these meaningful connections cannot be denied. Similarly, there will always be times in our lives when we feel socially isolated, lonely, excluded or unsuccessful. These times bring on many self doubts as we tell ourselves that everybody else already has friends and nobody else is struggling or open to new connections.

The truth is that we all struggle sometimes, but we just don’t talk about it. If we have problems in our lives then friends are the ones we often turn to, but when we have problems regarding friendships, unfortunately we often have nobody we can talk to about it. Nobody wants to seem like a “loser” when it comes to social conection, nor do they want to be seen as overly sensitive, dramatic or gossipy. Instead we suffer in silence.

There are many life changes that take place that may lead you to seeking new friends. Moving to a new city is the most obvious one – afterall you have left behind everyone you knew and loved for a new start. It can be daunting when you arrive and start to feel like everybody is already at full social capacity and you will always be on the outer. Other changes include changes in jobs, having children and seeking more connections with other parents, changing careers where you have to start at the bottom again, returning to study, retiring when you realise work friends met many of your social needs or maybe even tragedy such as loss of a loved one or  trauma such as an assault or a health diagnosis you feel most people don’t understand, or even changing your religious believes. These are just the few that immediately sprang to mind, I am sure there are many more.

Alternatively you may find yourself in an unfortunate situation where you have suffered the loss of a friendship, or a fracture between yourself and a group of friends, leaving you even more frightened, vulnerable and alone, not to mention questioning your own friendship skills.

The thing to remember is that it is ok to feel socially isolated. If you have acknowledged this to yourself then you have taken an important first step! Well done. The next step is to remind yourself that feeling socially successful, fulfilled and connected is an important human need that we have all experienced and can understand. I know it feels daunting to admit you are struggling, but there is no shame in doing what you need to do to make those important social connections. Matter of fact it is important for your mental health that you do. How you start is up to you. There are websites you can join, clubs, churches and meet up groups you can attend, new people you can meet at every place you go or people you can ask to introduce you to others. You  will be happy you did when that fulfillment starts filling your soul once more.

Now, this piece would be incomplete without discussing the time it takes to develop a friendship. While you look longingly at the best friends in your office and wish that you could find your person and feel quietly excluded, keep in mind that they didn’t instantly become best friends. It took time to develop that level of closeness. They were once new to each other just as you will be with your friends. As you invest time and energy into your friendships, some will naturally develop into closer bonds than others. Some will fizzle out and some will start hard and fast and finish in much the same way. Be patient. All friendships will feel effortless when things are going well, but as in any relationship with another human, it is impossible to expect things will always stay effortless! 

Once you are satisfied that you have reached a level of friendship that is mutually rewarding, you must continue to maintain that friendship. Friendships are not effortless. If you give little effort you receive little reward. Always practice good open communication, show empathy, be kind and generous of spirit. Trust in a friends positive intention toward you and be as forgiving as possible. Show an active interest in their lives and make sure you share enough about yourself to keep it reciprocal.  Make time to communicate, celebrate, commiserate, just talk and connect and time to just enjoy one another. If things hit a rocky patch, be aware of your feelings and discuss those instead of the actions.

both take time and effort though!!

Know that friendships come and go, and that is just as natural as relationships coming and going. When they go, put yourself out there, and even before that, always stay open to new connections. You never know when things may change and the things you shared with one friend may end or seem less important than they are now.

When friendships end, don’t internalize it too much, learn what you can and focus your energy on making new connections, or building stronger ones with existing friends. Be willing to acknowledge your social issues and encourage others to do the same. Everybody needs a friend. Go be one and see what happens!

Friendships are not effortless and nor should they be. We need to discuss this and find language to describe endings, social isolation and get rid of the stigma that comes with admitting loneliness. Are you with me?
 

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

It would still help to have more words for those meanings though, wouldn't it? 

Accepting an apology when you are still mad

The word sorry is an important word in our language and society, with the sentiment behind it holding even more value. It is often the hardest word to say, and its use must not only be convincing, followed by action, but it must also be timed correctly and used with sincerity. It can’t be over used either, or it loses its authenticity. It’s complicated to say the least!

In my last post I made reference to a falling out with a friend, that I did not handle to the best of my ability, allowing emotions to make a slave of me, and that was in part because I received an apology before I was ready.  We have this expectation that the word, or even the sentiment should immediately quell the situation at bay and extinguish the fiery angry rage that someone may be feeling as a result of poor choices we may have made that affected and hurt them.  In my own situation however, the anger and hurt that were burning in my heart were at full capacity, and a simple “I’m sorry” was a drop of water. Not nearly enough to extinguish the flames.

What transpired after that, which probably isn’t all that uncommon, was not too dissimilar to a situation I see between my 2 kids on a regular basis: One of them accidentally (or not) hurts the other one or ruins something that was important and the other is full of indignant rage. The first one quickly and relentlessly apologises, but the injured party screams back angrily “Well it is NOT ok?!” Following this, the one who made the mistake in the first place also becomes angry at this lack of acceptance of apology and begins blaming the injured party. Example: “You shouldn’t have left it there then!” Or “Well you started it.”

With adults it is usually a little bit more refined, but easily turns into a blaming match, where each of you blatantly lists every single flaw of the other, every thing they have ever done wrong and all the things that you quietly thought about them that you later wish you had kept quiet. When we are angry, it can be easy to forget all the things we like about someone and focus only on the negative! Ouch! 

Yep, ok, guilty as charged for that one.... 

When I was able to acknowledge that part of the issue was that I had received an apology before I was ready to forgive, I looked it up, naturally. I came across this article, published on www.livingthebump.com by Lauren Vork, entitled; How to respond to an apology if still mad.  In it the writer lists 4 key steps, these are:

1.       Give it time.

2.       Acknowledgement

3.       When it’s not enough

4.       Missing the point.

The gist of it is that it is important to tell your friend (or anybody else) that you are still angry and you need time for the anger to die down naturally before you can discuss it. (If you are the apologizing party, say you are sorry and then give the person space to digest it. Do not try and force someone to accept your apology or continue to apologise incessantly.) Thank the person for their apology if you believe they mean it, but still explain that you need more time to process the situation and your feelings about it before you are ready to move on.  If the wound is deep enough, explain to the person that while you accept their apology you expect to see a change in their behaviour to regain your trust. Finally, you may still be mad if you feel they don’t really understand the source of your hurt, in which case – if you can identify what specifically has hurt you, you can ask for a more considered apology that addresses the source of your hurt.

I didn’t do any of that. The friend in question said sorry, and I continued to be mad and list things that had upset me, then she got mad at my refusal to accept her apology immediately and basically retorted with justifications, followed by “I said I am sorry, what more do you want.” (Quickly followed by some other angry harsh words and accusations and demands of justification.)

Most of the time, what we want is for the issue never to have occurred in the first place, but failing a time machine, we have to accept that things happen and sometimes an apology, followed by clear communication and changes in actions are all the other party can offer. In many cases, including this one, the real issue is that my feelings were not validated and understood. The other party responded to my continued pain in anger and disgruntlement and not kindness, empathy and caring. 

When I did not immediately accept the apology being forcefully thrown at me, I was creating drama and this person angrily declared that they didn’t have the energy for my bullsh*t. An interesting response from someone who had just hurt and let me down, and someone who had called themselves my friend. Looking back, I can understand however that neither of us acknowledged what the other person was feeling.

I often wonder, if I had of simply said “Thank you for your apology, I do appreciate you are accepting responsibility for your actions, however I am still hurting and too mad to discuss this. I need some space to figure out why this is upsetting me so much, and I would appreciate if you would use that space to reflect on the reasons you think this has triggered such a strong reaction in me too, so I know you understand what I am feeling and why." If things may have worked out differently. 

Instead, as so many of us do, we got bogged down in facts, she said she said, you did versus I did, and all the other semantics and unimportant details, thoughts and feelings unrelated to the event. Sadly there was no resolution to this for us, however, maybe there could have been if only I had learned this earlier!

Once you have had time to let the anger cool down, had space to understand what you were feeling, and why you were so angry, and if you think that person is capable of validating your feelings, you will be in a better place to know what you will need to continue… if you can continue at all.  It is reasonable to have boundaries and remove yourself from people with deal breakers or unacceptable, manipulative or abusive words or actions towards yourself or others, regardless of if you accept the apology or not.

Whatever you decide to do, moving forward, forgiveness is key, because at the end of the day, holding a grudge only holds you prisoner, not the other party.

NOTE: If you were the person who had to apologise, the best remedy is not to merely say I am sorry, or provide justifications or excuses for your actions. Instead give a detailed and considered apology such as “I’m very sorry I let you down. I can see under the circumstances how you might feel that I didn’t consider your feelings or how I have made you feel unimportant. Although that would never be my intention, in this instance I really did make a big mistake and I am deeply sorry that I hurt you. I will give you some space to decide what you need, and I hope you will come back to me with strategies that may be effective in regaining your trust. I will do whatever I can (if you will) and if that is not enough then I will always regret losing you for my inconsiderate actions. I hope you can forgive me in time.” Then leave it at that.  You don’t get to be angry at them for being angry at you. Trust me, fighting fire with fire, is ineffective. An apology is a drop, try an ocean in terms of the words and the actions. Once forgiveness is granted, do not continue to apologise unnecessarily.

I hope this helps some of you in a more timely manner than it helped me! Lol

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Awkward timing for a Louis C.K. Quote.... but as this pertains to apologies and taking responsibility for your mistakes, maybe it is apt?

How to avoid drama?

Female friendship has this bad rep for drama. Matter of fact the reputation is generally with women in general full stop. Is this fair? Is this justly so?

I have worked so hard on myself to identify my own role in previous fractured friendships. It was put to me recently that this blog is nothing more than feeding the pain of fractured friendships. That I love to create drama and revel in the misery of it all?! who? Me?! Never?! Lol

Never one to shy away from the uglier reflections of myself, I have indeed pondered if I have an unhealthy addiction to pain that would cause me to use friendships as a way to somehow self-harm. Never the less this blog is something I stand behind and it remains a topic that I still struggle with and that I still feel passionate about. I do not write this blog because I know the answers, but because I wish to uncover them…. If answers exist.

Pondering this accusation- I have read back on all my posts and yet I still reflect that I have used it as a way to take accountability for the roles I have played in the breakdown of certain friendships and as a way to explore ways to try and be better. I would hate this to be seen as a way to play the victim and cast blame on all my former friends for the troubles we had faced.  In many, if not all the cases, I have concluded that I do not regret the closing of the friendship, but none the less I can identify how the things I said and did were unhelpful, short sighted, angry reactions instead of considered actions. I have tried to identify the things I should have said and the triggers behind these reactions, so that moving forwards I could be better prepared and in tune with myself and know the right things to articulate more calmly. Needless to say, recent events have shown I have not perfected this yet.... Sigh. 

If I haven’t done so already, I would like to publicly and openly express remorse for the negative ways in which any, or all of these friendships, came to a close. If it is any consolation, which it probably isn’t, I would only emotionally react if I still cared enough to. There was much love in all of the lost friendships in my life and each of you took a piece of my heart when my chapters in your stories came to a close. This is true regardless of who closed them.

Still, the accusation that I create drama remains, and so I wanted to explore it. I owe my exfriends, future friends, and myself that much at least. Especially given my new awareness and ability to identify triggers. In the most recent situation I found myself in – I could feel this coming from a mile away. I worked hard on swallowing the feelings. At taking away their power by naming them as triggers. By reminding myself and others that I knew the situation that was triggering me WAS NOT ABOUT ME. Yet, despite all of this I was unable to stay calm and once again allowed my emotions to make a slave of me despite my best intentions not to. I suppose this was in part because I received an apology before I was ready to stop feeling mad, (post on that to follow) and in part because there was so much more beneath the surface that was triggering the anger to begin with. Anyway.... 

I came across the following article on the Tiny Buddah website by Lori Deschene called “7 crucial steps to minimize drama in your life.” You can view it here. To summarise, not in the actual order of the article, it says.
Step 1,2 and 3 – Stay calm. Know that this wont matter in a year from now and it isn’t worth the anger or hurt. Act in a calm and positive way. Talk about the emotions being triggered not the actions triggering them. Don’t (Over)REACT. (Easier said than done, but I did TRY.) If you can’t change it, work on accepting it.
Step 4, 5 and 6 – Silence is golden. Stay in the present – don’t focus on the future or the past, negatively or positively. Focus on the lesson. Remove yourself from the person or situation.
Step 7 – Be slow to label something or someone as drama.

I tried all the advice I have come across to avoid this drama, and yet my emotions refused to be quelled or expressed in an appropriate manner. So, how can you actually avoid drama, especially if you are the one accused of creating it? Step 7 stands out the most. BE SLOW TO LABEL SOMETHING AS DRAMA.  Are feelings dramatic? At the crux of it I think yes; Feelings ARE dramatic. There is NO avoiding that. I am not a robot, nor do I want to be. I don't want my friends to be robots either! What we need to do is to surround ourselves with the type of people we feel safe expressing our emotions to and walk away from anyone who minimizes our feelings as drama. If it is true that you are so dramatic, then they should be glad to get rid of you anyway! So you’re doing you both a favour! Wouldn’t you agree?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

To the friend who got away

We are all familiar with the romantic concept of “the one who got away,” right? Can any of you relate to a similar concept with a friend? Maybe you thought you had great spark with someone you met at the park, but never had the guts to ask her for her number? Maybe you had a great work friendship that you felt had potential to expand beyond the office but you never made the effort before it was too late? Maybe you had a best friend in high school that didn’t last the distance but that you regret losing touch with? Maybe you had a great close friendship with someone that ended or faded away and you regret letting them go?  I do.

Maybe this is more accurate?!

If you can relate to any of this, then this post is for you…. But mostly this post is for my friend. The one who got away. I have no way of knowing if you still read these posts, but in my heart I feel that you do. I hope so anyways. You know who you are, I don’t need to go into detail about what happened between us…. Or even what didn’t happen between us. Not that either of us really know what exactly happened. Sigh.

What I will say is, the reason I know that you know this post is for you, is because we always spoke the same language. You always heard what I didn’t say, understood what I meant even when I couldn’t articulate it, and could predict my feelings about most things because you could relate. It is so rare to meet people like you, I felt like we were soul sisters in some way.

I so enjoyed and looked forward to our endless conversations about everything and nothing. My phone, and my life, are so quiet without you. I miss you. Our little code words for things, our in jokes and the complete trust, understanding and general lack of judgement that existed between us. I am so happy I met you, if only to know that other people like you and I exist, and I am not as isolated as I often feel, being so different to most people I meet. I guess this is kinda sad, but I still have those conversations with you in my mind, because so many things remind me of you. Although these things make me miss you, they still make me smile.

Sometimes I am so angry with you for walking away, because I didn’t deserve it, but mostly I am angry with myself for letting you go. I understand why you had to go. Because we are so similar, I probably would have done the same thing under the circumstances. I know you were in such a difficult position and I am so sorry that you found yourself there. I never wanted that to happen. I never imagined things would play out this way between us, or that you’d leave my life as suddenly and quickly as you had entered into it.

I know you are still confused by what exactly happened. One minute everything was fine, and the next it was over, you had to let me go, although you couldn’t articulate why, exactly. I heard you. At least you tried and I appreciated that.   A bittersweet painful goodbye. I have tried to understand your position and have compassion for you. I know you didn’t want to hurt me the way you did. I have been in your shoes and I know it wasn’t a decision you came to lightly. I forgive you, if you care. All I ask is that you recognize that your experiences of me didn’t add up to the judgements I feel you made of me in the end. That wasn’t fair.  All wasn’t as it seemed.  I know it didn’t make any sense to you, how I acted, so I just ask you to trust that I had my reasons and my intentions were good. It was never about you, our ending was just “collateral damage” - a term that will speak to you and spark recognition – if there was ever any doubt. I’m sorry my friend. I let you down. Please forgive me?

What is the point of this post? I don’t know. Just to let you know that I still love you, still think of you and miss you. That I replay things over in my mind and wonder if I could have… should have…. Done things differently. But I couldn’t. I too was in a terrible position. I didn’t know what my place was exactly, but I did know what wasn’t my place! Despite our deep connection, I knew there were things I could not say, and I knew you would NOT hear them. I was only trying to do the right thing and let you be happy. I hope you are. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a part of that happiness in the end.

I’m sorry you felt you had to go. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay. I wanted to, you see, but I knew you couldn’t, and I didn’t want to make it harder on you. I guess I just wanted you to know that. I’ll always hope to hear from you again one day, although I admit that is one conversation I cannot imagine.

Thankyou for being in my life. I believe you were meant to come into it, and although it was short and sweet, I’ll always remember it fondly. (Like that lemon cheesecake icecream I had once many moons ago. Nothing will compare, although I will always keep searching!) Although you are no longer in my life, I still feel less alone knowing you are out there somewhere. Part of me will always seek to find you, or replace you in some way, however impossible that seems.  I hope you think of me fondly too, despite it all. If not, at least do this? Please accept my apology and try to understand. I let you walk out of my life, but you’re always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Everything feels so unfinished…. Because it is.  Maybe this is too little, too late, but I hope we meet again. If not in this lifetime then in another. I will be ready, and I hope I will be better next time.

"In another life, I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away..." - Katy Perry

Keep Smiling

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Weighty Issues in Friendship

As someone who has always struggled with her weight, I thought I should write a simple post about how to best support a friend who is losing weight, has lost the weight, is gaining weight or gaining back the weight she lost. Or even a friend who you think needs to lose weight, regardless if she thinks so or not. 
 

Being a woman is hard. Being a friend, not so much! 

For a friend who has decided to make healthier lifestyle choices, and is struggling at the beginning:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you know she can do it. That you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the right choices for herself. Remind her that there is no time limit, and no race. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who has lost a significant amount of weight but who has plateaued:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you know she can do it. That you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the right choices for herself. Remind her that there is no time limit and no race. Arrange meet ups that are more active such as coffee in the park as you stroll rather than sitting in the coffee shop, or walking around the shops together. If she asks for advice, and ONLY then, suggest she switch things up a little, by making one small change such as cutting out the soft drinks, even the sugar free ones, or having dinner at breakfast time. Tell her not to give up on herself. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who has reached her goal and is feeling fabulous:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful, that you knew she could do it and that you are proud of her. Empower her to keep on making the best choices for herself and maybe even ask if she has any advice for others on how she stayed motivated. Do not feel jealous or threatened, and if you do, ask her for advice on how to improve your own situation. Do not sabotage her by encouraging too many bad choices “because she can afford a few kilos now.” Those choices are hers alone and should stay that way. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. Remember weight loss doesn't always make people magically happier, they still have issues, weight related or not. 

For a friend who is falling off the wagon and gaining back some (or all) of the weight:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful, and that you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the best choices for herself. If she mentions her weight gain (and only if she mentions it) tell her that you love and value her and reassure her that her weight doesn’t matter. Remind her that there is no time limit, and no race. Remind her she can and will start again when she is ready. There is no pass or fail, you can always try again. DO NOT MENTION IT IF SHE DOESN’T. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who gained all the weight back, or never even started but you think she should:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and make the best choices for her life. Respect that her priorities and feelings may be different than yours and remind yourself that weight and size don’t matter. They are just numbers, measures of size, not character. If she mentions wanting to lose the weight, encourage her, tell her you support her, and come up with aforementioned plan for healthier catch up choices not revolving or even involving food. Remind her that there is no time limit, no race and that if she wants to, she will, only when she is ready. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

Haha, this made me laugh!

You'll notice I started and ended all the posts the same way. Because love, support, caring and listening are more important in friendship than things that can be measured.

For ALL your friends: Love them, support, encourage and empower them. Tell them that they are beautiful and help them find the best ways for themselves to see and believe that about themselves at any size. Believe in them and empower them to believe in themselves. That is where the true magic lies. That is the best thing we can do for each other. Do not mention a woman's size. She knows what size she is, why should it matter to you? 

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I don't know about being a tuna fish, and I don't even know about "no matter what" but I do know about loving, encouraging, caring, listening and  supporting a friend at every size, stage and wage of her life. 

5 reasons you may be a flaky friend, and how to be better.

1.       You say yes to every offer, maybe for fear of disappointing people or maybe because everything sounds so fun. You really believe at the time that you can attend the baby shower of one friend in the afternoon, get drinks with another before dinner, grab dinner with your posse and then a late night movie with someone else after, but it leaves you feeling stressed before you begin, you end up letting everyone down by being late to everything, cancelling at least one thing, spending most of your time on the phone at each event co-ordinating the next thing and creating a mutual feeling that nobody got your quality time and attention. No wonder you are exhausted and unmotivated!

2.       Although you feel anxious today, you feel certain that once you are out and about you will enjoy yourself. You hesitate to make plans for right now, but make them for the future. When the day rolls around you feel sick with anxiety and don’t want to go. Most of the time you cancel or just don’t show up, and when you do you spend the whole time feeling sick and wanting to leave. You yo-yo between feeling grateful your friends still invite you at all and resentful at them for forcing you to be social when you don’t feel like it. You usually end up pushing people away and then feel sad and lonely.

3.       You’re only flaky with certain people. If you like and respect someone, you will be on time and remember the plans. If on the other hand, you are less enthusiastic about your friend than they are about you…. Chances are you will easily forget the plans…. Or worse still… dread them! You won’t be motivated to get ready, you will be late and you will try and make as many excuses as possible. You usually try and get them to cancel the plans by saying how tired you are, how busy you have been and that you will have to leave early, hoping they will give you an easy out and you can pretend to feel bad, while you are secretly relieved. If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if you are actually trying to end the friendship via flaky behavior. If it’s not working a more direct approach may be kinder.

4.       You are super busy. You work fulltime, you have 4 kids, they have a million extracurricular activities, you have a big family with events most weekends and even some evenings. You hardly ever make plans because you are so busy and your friends start to feel you are avoiding them and constantly ask if everything is ok. When you do make plans almost every time something crops up forcing you to cancel, and when you do have time you feel like you can hardly call on people at the last minute, or that you’re so exhausted that curling up on the couch with a glass of wine is all you really want to do anyway.

5.       You’re an introvert. You would always rather be alone. Your job and your family exhaust you, and you need and cherish alone time to just recharge. You prefer seeing a movie or going for a walk alone. It’s not that you don’t like your friends, you’re happy to text or email etc… but you actually don’t want to catch up, or even talk on the phone. Communication and events are always at your discretion, in your own time when you feel like it. Honestly you feel like the world would be a better place if you were the only person in it.

TIP FOR BEING BETTER:

Think of other people and respect their time! The world doesn’t revolve around you, although I am well aware YOUR world does. Don’t make too many plans, remember the ones you do make, be on time. Do not make excuses. Let people know as far in advance as you can if you can’t make it. If you get asked to do something and you don’t want to, just say no. You don’t have to justify yourself. Let go of friends who don’t excite you and if necessary make plans that suit you such as movie nights at your place if you like to stay in. Invite people on errands if you are willing and able, such as to the dog beach if you are going to be there anyway or to the office for an hour for lunch which you’d be doing anyway and limits the time. If you prefer your own company, be honest with your friends. Tell them you can only handle one social interaction per week and explain that it may be a while before you see them again because you like a lot of space and can’t handle neediness.

You don’t have to feel guilty or like a bad friend as long as you go about being yourself and living your life in a respectful way.

If you find that you always seem to be waiting around for other flaky people and you find this frustrating, while blowing off the more reliable people in your life, it may be time to ask yourself if you have intimacy issues. Do you push away anyone who gets too close and chase after anyone who is cold and distant? Do you secretly not want to join any club that would have you as a member? Do you dislike yourself so much that you question and distrust anyone that likes you? Acknowledging the problem is the first step in getting help. Maybe it is anxiety, social or general and you may benefit from speaking to a qualified therapist? If so, go ahead and make an appointment. You might be glad you did. Your friends will be!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

What to do when a friend is pushing you away?

So many of us can relate to this one. I sure can. It’s a feeling, more than a fact. The friend in question casually acts like everything is ok, while pulling away emotionally and creating distance between you. It seems as if your friend hasn’t even noticed the drift, or doesn’t care, which only adds salt to the wound.

You try to be patient at first and understand what she is going through. You offer to help. She insists everything is fine and she is just “busy.” You get worried and ask her if she is feeling depressed? Her response makes it pretty clear that her main feeling is annoyed – at you!  You try to be patient, meanwhile sending her funny or cute texts or messages letting her know that you are thinking of her. She responds in one word answers, never immediately, if at all. Or maybe it's all niceties, but it's just words, never any action. 

You start to notice she is spending a lot of time with her other friends on social media, and things pop up about her life that she hadn’t mentioned to you. Of course she hadn’t, she’d need to actually talk to you! You press to meet for coffee and she reluctantly agrees, but cancels at the last minute.

You ask her if you have done anything to upset her, and apologise if you have. She assures you that everything is fine. It feels like you are going crazy! Everything is NOT fine, and she denies this???

The thing is – you are asking her if everything is ok with herself. It is. You are asking if she is upset with you. She isn’t. The reason you are feeling this way is because you are still offering up friendship and she is no longer reciprocating that. If she has other friendships blossoming, she hasn’t noticed a change in her life because her needs are still being met, albeit not by you…

You have picked up on this change because she is no longer meeting your need as a friend and it is triggering your insecurities that this is your fault, that you were not good enough. The best advice I have for you when someone pushes you away, is to go.

I know. That isn’t what you wanted to hear, however the general reason someone pushes you away is because they want you to go. For now anyway. They don’t want to say it and probably don’t have a very good reason aside from they have no need for you in their life right now. No place or no space.

You cannot force yourself or your friendship on people. The more you try, the more they pull away. People are entitled to their opinions of you, and you do not need to defend, nor prove yourself.

It plays out like this – the more insecure you become, the more needy you become, and the more needy you become, the less that person will want to be around you. Even if they do, it will be more like an obligation. Nobody wants to feel like their friendship is an obligation. Either way the friendship will end, and if you keep pushing things, it will likely be a nasty confrontational ending. I know you THINK you want to know WHY?! Honestly, you don’t. You are unlikely to actually hear any reasons and will only defend yourself. This is natural, but the whole conversation is unhelpful, and will leave you even more hurt and insecure. Do yourself a favour – don’t force it.

If you try to see it as the universe pushing you in a different direction perhaps, and expand your options, try to find other people to meet your needs, the angst, and anger will be much less. This leaves your friendship with your initial friend open rather than closed. You have not officially ended, which makes it easier, as times and things change, to “catch up” again in the future and resume your friendship as if nothing had ever happened. If you wanted to. If not, maybe that will be her Karma as she has to feel the insecurity that you initially dealt with.

It may feel like you are letting your friend get away with treating you poorly, which you don’t deserve, but what you are really doing is giving her the space she is quietly requesting. Respecting her need - which isn’t for you right now. And you are actually being much kinder to yourself this way too.

If you came across this post on Google or whatever, please let this be the last article you google. If your friend is pushing you away, like it or not, right now, she wants you to go. Don’t hand her a weapon and make her shoot you with it and then play the victim. Save your dignity and walk away, with love in your heart and hope that one day she will be back for you. You are awesome. Go find people who make you feel that way and stop wasting energy on this.

How do you do that? Stop looking at this one friend, and spend some time making lists of your other friends. Which friendships could you expand? Who could you invite out to that show next week instead? How could you make some new friends?

The helpful answers are most often in the future, not in the past, so try to stay focused on that!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

One for my online friends

My mum has a pen pal in Paris to whom she has been writing for many many years, since her youth. Over the years they have met in real life and maintained a long distance friendship, if you will. Although they still write to each other snail mail style, they also keep in touch digitally now too. Yet in a conversation where I mentioned a friend of mine that my mother had not met she seemed confused.

I told her this was my online friend, somewhat like a pen pal and she said “I didn’t know you had a pen pal?” You know what? That is something I love about my online friends. They are not connected to anyone I know in my life. They are not involved in any of the domestic duties, politics or other nitty gritty details of my life. What they are is there for me when I need to talk to someone. They have this uncanny ability to be impartial because they are somewhat removed from the situation.

They give me endless support, and advice I can count on because as the end of the day, they aren’t personally invested in the outcome. They truly just want me to be happy, and I do the same for them.  I also feel there is less pressure in online friendships. Although these are women I consider close friends, due to the distances and time differences, there is much more leeway for our separate lives to continue on. I wont be upset if I don’t hear back straight away, and they don’t get upset if I forgot to mention an important but insignificant detail in real time.

We tell each other what we want the other to know. We discuss our lives, but moreso we discuss our emotions and the situations we want to discuss. I feel like we are able to be more personal, strangely, because of the less personal nature of our connection. One one level, these women are strangers, and yet on another level I feel we may know each other better than any of the people actually physically present in our lives.

And even better perhaps, than the way my mother met her pen pal way back when, I have met these women on forums where we know we have something important in common. While most people in our lives may not share this interest or experience, we know we can count on someone to really hear and understand us on important issues close to our hearts.

They say when you are behind a screen you have the ability to be whoever you want to be, but I feel like these women are bravely being more themselves with me than they are in their real lives. Often with technology these days, although we have never met, I am familiar with the names and faces of their nearest and dearest, as they are with mine, and because we don’t catch up in person, there tends to be an ongoing conversation more than “catch up’s” per se, which is a nice quirk that can probably only really exist in the online context.

There are times when these women are the first ones I turn to, and I know they reciprocate that. One of these women has gone out of her way to help me source things from her homeland that I was unable to get for myself, and has even sent me a care package! Her friendship is a gift…. The type that keeps on giving!

Some people say that online friends are not REAL friends, but I beg to differ. These women have added immeasurable value to my life. While I do know there is much to be said for spending real quality time with friends, and we have often commented that we wish we lived closer, our virtual coffee dates are just as satisfying, and even better nobody has to leave the house or get dressed and we can chat whenever we have the time! Everybody wins! I vow to meet these ladies in person one of these days, and I look forward to it too.

Thanks for being in my life ladies! You know who you are! You are like angels, almost literally because I have never laid eyes on you and you have helped me through some big issues. Thank you for the time and effort it takes you to keep up our conversations, for sharing the best and the worst of yourselves with me and for being open to this online friendship with someone on the other side of the world! I’m so glad I met you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Dealing with double standards in Friendships

A friend recently disclosed to me a feeling of disgruntlement within her friendship group at a perceived double standard. It’s not something that I had really pondered before, but thought it was an interesting topic to explore, as there can be many ways a double standard may exist in a friendship. It may be a double standard that exists between 2 people, or more commonly a double standard that exists when one friendship is compared with another.

Double standards that exist between 2 friends usually indicate some inequality in the friendship. Let’s look at some examples of double standards that could exist between 2 people alone. These can include situations where perhaps one friend can dish it but can’t take it. She may tease, correct or belittle you but refuses to tolerate reciprocation in any way accusing you of being disrespectful, rude or a bad friend if you dare speak to her the way she speaks to you. Alternatively, it could be that you seem to value your friend and your friendship more than she does. For example you would never consider making other plans if the 2 of you already had plans to spend time together but she consistently blows you off if she gets a better offer or just can’t be bothered. In these situations, you can’t make someone value you more or prove your worth. Align yourself more with friends who do value you. It really is that simple.

The other type of double standard that often crops up in friendships exists when you make comparisons between your friendship with a person, and their friendships with other people. There are countless ways I have experienced this myself, directly or indirectly, such as;

One friend became upset with me and felt an injustice when I would not babysit her children, but often babysat for some other friends children. Another time I felt slighted when a friend told me that they were too busy to spend time with me, and then I learned that they had been spending time with other friends. In one situation someone became upset that her dogs were not allowed in the home of a friend, however on a subsequent visit found another friend with her dog not only in her friend’s home, but also on the furniture! Or how about when someone refuses to loan you money, or clothes for example, and then you learn that they willingly loan these things to other people?

At face value, all of these things do seem unjust, don’t they? It would be easy, and feel almost logical to jump to the conclusion that your friend doesn’t value you as much as you value them, as your brain rattles off a comprehensive list of all the things you have done for them that they have not reciprocated in any way. It is enough to trigger your inner 3 year old to stomp her foot and wail “It’s not fair?!” I guess, in part, the truth of the matter is, that life isn’t fair! However, to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, there could be many reasons why she has clearer boundaries with you on one issue that are different with another friend.

For starters, it is possible that you friend feels comfortable enough with you that she can say no to you. Although nobody likes to hear the word no, this could actually be the best compliment. Saying no is hard to do and in most of us triggers fears of rejection, so if your friend feels safe to say no to you, at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that she is not secretly resenting you for her own inability to say no. If however, you are certain she would have no problem saying no to other people but chooses not to, there are a whole host of other things to consider.

Take some of the examples listed above…. Maybe her other friend only has one kid and you have 5, or maybe they are older, or play better with her own kids. Or maybe you have a puppy and she has an old placid dog, or someone suffers allergies to long haired pets but not short haired ones. Maybe she loaned someone money for an important operation but didn’t feel the need to oblige your request to loan you money to get your hair done. Maybe she once loaned you a top and never got it back, even if it was a simple oversight on your part. There could be lots of reasons that don’t immediately make sense to you that could influence someone to treat you one way and someone else another way.

The truth is, comparing almost never works out well and we need to realise and respect that someone else’s friendship with our friend is their own business and has nothing to do with us. Even if it does boil down to this – they actually do like someone else more than they like us. That’s life. Think about it. I’m sure you have friends you prefer over others, and as a result would be more willing to flex your boundaries with them for that reason. Or a million other reasons you can justify to yourself.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you if you address the problem head on or not. If you do, a casual remark to let your friend know you’ve noticed might be enough for some people – for example “I see Cindi’s dog is allowed inside.” And for others they may feel compelled to ask for a clarification eg: “You told me you didn’t allow dogs in the house?” However you run the risk of seeming confrontational and may soon find it’s not only your dogs who are unwelcome. Essentially your friend doesn’t owe you an explanation and if you truly feel your level of effort or investment is higher than hers, lower yours. As a natural result of any double standards noticed, resentment and distance soon follow in one form or another.

Instead of allowing your inner child to focus heavily on the ways your friends have been unfair to you, perhaps have a closer look in your own friendships and address the double standards and inequalities that you yourself may impose on others? Before you say anything, ask yourself how you would feel if one friend tried to dictate the boundaries in your other friendships to you? Probably not great.

Go where the love is ladies. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don't be this person!

Are you BLOODY BUDDIES, or not?!

Reading this article on Babe.net by Rosie Lanners on 14th September 2016 prompted an interesting thought. Do our friendships influence our monthly cycle? If they don’t does that mean we aren’t as close as we should be, or not spending enough time together?

Many people believe that when women spend lots of time together, such as living together, their menstruation cycles will sync and the women will begin their period within days of each other, if not beginning and ending precisely on the same day?! Apparently this has something to do with the pheromones produced, so we smell each other into bleeding?! Lol

I can’t say for sure if this would be a good thing for female friendships or not. On the one hand, if it were true, each of you would be much more understanding of the other… On the other hand however, PMS at the same time sounds like a recipie for trouble!

By the time my mother was making an announcement to welcome me into the world of womanhood because I had experienced my first period (quite literally, at the dinner table with family friends?! Cringe. Thanks Mum! Lol) she herself was facing the early signs of menopause. (Maybe I should have made an equally inappropriate announcement for her?! Haha) As I don’t have sisters, I never experienced this syncing of cycles when I lived at home.

When I moved out of home with my best friend at the time, we still didn’t sync. She was irregular and I was like clockwork, on the 13th of the month, naturally! It did happen occasionally that we would bleed at the same time, but as it was so infrequent that we put it down to coincidence, despite making jokes about the world being doomed if we did sync. Maybe we just weren’t close enough, although we did spend lots of time together. Perhaps we didn’t spend enough time smelling each other?! Hahahaha

Eventually though, we became more than friends. And even as we embarked on a romantic livein relationship for years, where we were very close, it still didn’t happen. I have never experienced this syncing. Not then and not now. Not with any of my friends. So in my own experience, this is a myth.

That said, I know women who swear by it. Best friends, roommates, sisters, mothers and daughters and even colleagues who claim to have synced with one another and proudly proclaim to be bloody buddies! One friend even refers to herself as a “follower” claiming she quickly follows the cycle of anyone she is close to.

This begs the question though, what if you are close to more than one friend? Maybe that has been my issue, close to too many women to choose?  I guess it is possible I have actually synced with a few, but never known. I have friends who always openly discuss their monthly and some who seem to feel it would be uncouth to mention.

Recently I came across as somewhat creepy to a friend of mine experiencing fertility issues, as she was saying she couldn’t remember the date of her last period and needed it for a medical form or something. Without thought I easily recalled the date of her last period, mostly because she happened to do something significant that day and was mildly annoyed by her monthly visitor getting in the way. (I am a good listener and I remember the details ok?! Don't judge me!)  At first she said “Oh, that’s right!.... then her eyes narrowed as her gaze uncomfortably shifted to me with a confused look on her face and she exclaimed “Why would you remember that?!” haha *Awkward!*

Just because I haven’t experienced it yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t real…. I guess I still have time to find out…. I hope….. My daughter is only 6 so we have hopefully quite some time before I test the live in theory again. To be honest, I hope it doesn’t happen. If it does, I think my husband and my son best take up residence someplace else for a few weeks a month, because I don’t envy them in the crossfire I imagine! Lol Either way, the puberty versus menopause hormone battle wasn’t pretty either, so plan ahead guys! haha

I don’t know if I believe this phenomenon is fact or fiction. Coincidence is my best guess. If it is fact, perhaps my pheromones are weak, or bleeding to the beat of their own drum, but what I do know for sure is that whenever I go on holiday, have a birthday, anniversary, stay at a hotel or have an event I am looking forward to I will get my period. That is a FACT!

What are your experiences?  Do you have a blood buddy? Are you a pheromone leader or a follower?
Do you believe it is symbolic of your closeness or lack thereof if it doesn’t happen?

Do tell!!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Situational friendings and endings.

Friendships can be complicated. There are friends you love to hate and friends you hate to love. There are unhealthy friendships that should probably end but that live on no matter how hard you try to kill them and there are friendships you love and value that end. This can be especially confusing and heart breaking, regardless of if you were the one who ended the friendship or not.

Some friendships are situational, like working together, and some endings are situational too. Not too sure what I mean? Hmm. Let’s say for example your best friend is your drinking buddy, but you decide to get sober. No matter how much you love her, she (unintentionally or not) makes you want to drink and get crazy. Chances are, if you want it to or not, the friendship will end.  Or, maybe your friend consistently asks you for favours you don’t want to do, like feeding her pet while she’s away, or watching her kids, or helping her do her housework…. Although you enjoy quality time with her, it seems that is never what you get, and the only way to get away from the situation may be to lose your friend. Alternatively you might have a friend who has become so vague, distant and cold that you have to dump her to stop the anxiety that is eating you up inside, even though you really didn't want it to end. You might find you have unreciprocated romantic feelings for a friend and spending time with them is just too difficult to bare knowing they don’t feel the same way and probably never will. Or a friend may confide something to you that you wish they hadn’t because now it has put you in an extremely awkward position causing you to feel disloyal to one party if you tell, or disloyal to another if you don’t.  These are just some of the reasons you may find yourself ending a friendship when you actually do like the person involved. I am sure there are many more. The point is that a situation arose that caused a need to exit, not any bad feelings necessarily, per se. 

We have this way of assuming that if a friendship ends, it was never meaningful to begin with. It just isn’t true. I have experienced all the situations above, and I loved every single one of those friends dearly. I miss them as people and I am sad that we couldn’t continue on. However if any of those people were back in my life at this time, I strongly believe the situation would follow them, and I can’t be in those situations anymore. It’s not healthy and it only breeds resentment.

It’s not that any one of these people were bad people, they weren’t. They were good people, and close friends; it’s just that, for whatever reason, we aren’t compatible at this time in our lives. It really sucks that a situation could end a friendship. Ending a friendship with someone hurts, even if you are the one ending it. People don’t seem to understand this. I know I have badly hurt and confused some people I love because of this lack of understanding. They think it was easy for me to walk away. That I didn't care and never did. That I didn't hurt. Or worse still they blame themselves. I hate the thought of these women thinking that there was something wrong with them. That there was one specific thing that they said or did wrong that caused me to abandon them. Questioning the validity of our entire friendship. It was real!

If you were a friend that I walked away from. I’m sorry. Please know that. Please know I think of you, I miss you, and I still have love for you in my heart. Please know that it wasn’t that you failed me in some way. You are good enough just the way you are. (If you weren't pretty fab we never would have been friends in the first place! ) You will have more meaningful friendships in your life, and you are loved by many. I have been in your shoes. I do know how much I hurt you. I didn’t want to and believe me I tried not to. I tried to tolerate the situation. I tried to talk to you about it. I tried to change it, I even tried to ignore it, but in the end I had to free myself from a situation that included you. It wasn't easy or pleasurable for me.

I didn’t enjoy hurting you and I lost something just as special as you did when I walked away. I do feel terribly guilty for hurting you the way I did. I don't blame you. Whatever the situation, I played my part, all situations are somewhat co-created. I'm sorry for that too. I know you probably strongly disagree, but I need to point out that I’m not a bad person either. I never set out to hurt you. I didn’t know we wouldn’t last… However, does a friendship have to last forever to prove meaningful? I don’t think it does. I learned things from all of you. I hope you took something positive away from our friendship too.

The worst thing about this situation as it stands is that you probably hate me now for walking away…. But the best thing about situational endings is that situations change. I hold hope in my heart that someday our situations will realign and we can once again enjoy time together as friends without the negativity of the past haunting us. Time has a splendid way of changing people and things. Until then, my (former) friends; just know that you are in my heart, and my thoughts and I hope you are happy.

Just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean they should still be in your life 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

To Speak, or Not to Speak?

Reading an interesting article in ‘The Washington Post News’ by Deborah Tannen on 07 August 2017, about the ways women communicate with one another, brought up an interesting topic about conflict and resolution between women. While we are considered more emotionally articulate than our male counterparts…. That can be the exact reason we don’t always get along, and in extreme cases the reason that causes some women to only invest in male friendships.

Let’s look at it this way… If you have done something to upset a woman, regardless of your relationship with her, you are more likely to be prompted into a conversation about it than under the same circumstances with a man. Men are not encouraged to discuss how they feel, and to be fair, do seem to be less easily emotionally expressive (in a negative or positive context.) It is harder to upset a man in general, and if you do, he may say or do absolutely nothing about it. He is unlikely to dwell on it and much more likely to just get over it and get on with things regardless.

A woman on the other hand, while she may not say anything directly, will almost always display her displeasure in some way. Women with a direct conversational style will more likely tell you what you have done and how she feels about it. Someone with a more emotionally expressive style, while less direct, may tell you how she feels while struggling to articulate exactly what it is that you did to make her feel that way, and a lady with an indirect style will likely create distance and space…. At least until her feelings on the matter lessen. The thing with feelings, expressed or not, is that they seem to flow in cycles where they first appear, simmer, peak and then dissipate.

While one woman feels direct communication is the way to resolution, another may perceive this as too confrontational, and unhelpful labelling of one another can occur. The need of women to discuss feelings can be seen as “dramatic” – however is only usually perceived that way by the accused. We very seldom see ourselves as dramatic, but expressing valid emotion; however we can be quick to label someone else expressing themselves to us as such, particularly if we are defensive or disagree with the feelings of the other person.

I have noticed in a few of my friends, and to be fair they do seem more socially successful (even if less invested) a tendency never to speak directly to the person in question about their upset feelings. Instead they take space from that person for a time, never in an unfriendly manner, until they have had enough time to “get over” whatever it was that upset them. After which time the friendship will simply resume, although not always at the same intensity level as before. It is all very amicable.

However I have tried this approach myself, and failed. Perhaps it is the type of women I am drawn to, or the type of close friendships we build, but almost every single time I employ this strategy I am met with demands from the other person to explain my withdrawal… however subtle or gradual I try to make it. It is possible my other friends encounter this too, I’ll have to ask them and report back, however I have always felt uncomfortable with this. The way I see it, you have 2 choices. The first one is to lie and tell them everything is fine, when you both know it isn’t, and the second one is to be frank and honest. Almost conclusively leading to “dramatic” confrontation and more times than not an equally theatrical ending. Friendship exit stage left.

So if the key is in staying silent, how does that flow over into reconciliations? As someone who has indeed suffered the ending of a fair few friendships, I have also come to experience a fair few reconciliations; at which point we are again faced with the question – to speak or not to speak? At least half of the friendships that have survived the “drama” in my life, have revived themselves, almost without a word.

Consider that a friendship ends, and the 2 women stop speaking for a period of weeks, months or even years. After which time, each of you has let go of the negative feelings that caused the upset to begin with. One woman will often reach out to the other in a friendly manner. It may be to say hello, it may be to express that she has missed her friend, or it may be to share with her something of interest for example. While words are spoken, the falling out, and what caused it is largely unspoken, and if enough time has passed, it may be more comfortable to leave it that way. The friendship can resume as if nothing ever happened. The friendship is spoken, but the reconciliation remains silent.

If one friend contacts another with an apology after a falling out, she runs the risk of a rejection. And she also runs the risk of refreshing all the negativity that both people experienced with the original drama. Therefore it may seem easier and all around better for everyone if it is not spoken about. My question though, becomes, without discussing it, how will you prevent the same issues from repeating themselves? If the original conflict is never actually resolved per se, how can the friendship be resolved?

Once again, one party may be keen to speak about things while the other finds this need to communicate dramatic. Can the friendship be resumed after a falling out without speaking about things? Yes. Can the friendship survive though, or is it in for more of the same drama? Time will tell but I know where I’d place my money!

What have your experiences been? Do you speak up and hold your friends accountable, or do you keep quiet when a friend has upset or hurt you in some way? Have you told one friend she upset you while accusing another friend of causing drama for the same thing? Are the women who exclusively prefer men friends on the right track, or are they simply avoiding accountability? Think about it honestly. Leave your comments here or on Facebook and tell me what you think. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Friends with benefits

Ok, so most people have heard of the expression “friends with benefits” in this day and age, but for those of you who don’t quite understand what it means; the benefits of the equation are usually those associated with sexual pleasure. The informal definition is: a friend with whom one has an occasional and casual sexual relationship.  (Note, all physically intimate behaviours including cuddling and kissing fall into this category, although many people use other terms such as cuddle buddy, fun friend, kissing companion etc…)

The occasional nature of this arrangement can be questionable as many people I know participating in such “friendships” are intimate with high frequency, however it is the casual nature of the arrangement that defines it as a friendship rather than a relationship. Although it may seem like a relationship on the surface, there is a lack of commitment for long term prospects. Assuming that both parties like and respect one another, it can seem like a rewarding choice that asserts 2 people as individuals rather than 2 people coming together to live one life. It may well be the way of the future.

That said, we aren’t there yet. In a society that still values monogamy and marriage to a startling degree, most people will eventually find one person to settle down and share one life with. Unfortunately for many, this doesn’t usually happen concurrently with your “fun friend.” More often than not, this leaves at least one person in the equation suddenly tossed to the side while the other moves on to someone they essentially liked better. Naturally this can happen in established romantic relationships too, however at least when it does, the wounded party is allowed to grieve the loss and the leaving party is expected to offer an explanation.

In my own personal experiences of these “friendships” they tend to go one of 2 ways. The first way is when one person claims friendship, but offers little more than sex, usually on his or her terms only, most likely when they have exhausted all other avenues. Both people feel like they are getting a benefit, but in reality only one of them is.  Essentially there is no friendship. No hanging out, no dinners or dates or meeting the friends and family. There is booty calls. Lots of them. It is kinder in this circumstance, and more effective, to call you a “cuddle buddy” than a back up plan, but essentially that is what you are. In almost all of these cases one person has romantic interest, and is waiting for the other to finally wake up and see how wonderful they really are, while the other person has literally zero intention of ever moving you into anything but second best. Let’s be honest… they don’t have to. Do yourselves a favour ladies, if you are in this second place position in someone’s life, don’t get pregnant to them. Lesson learned! Lol Rolls eyes. (My son is a blessing, but he has never met his father, who claims “I have no son.” Great friend he turned out to be. Ugh.)

The other way this situation plays out is that the 2 people are like best friends. They do everything together and tell each other everything. They may be dating other people, but even when they are dating other people, they are still sleeping with each other too, making external romantic potential extremely limited. This works extremely well for a time for both the people involved. They get to hold on to a sense of independence while also enjoying couple privilege. Need a plus one? No worries. Feeling sexually frustrated? Not a problem. Feeling lonely? Not usually. Everybody wins, and even if they are dating other people romantically, essentially nobody compares to the “friend.” Until someone does. Then what? This situation has 2 likely outcomes. One where, without explanation the now coupled party withdraws the affection from the friendship, and often also slowly withdraws the emotional intimacy and time spent together too. It is expected that the former fun friend will accept this change without question and happily encourage the new relationship. No thought is given to the hole that has been suddenly left in the life of the person remaining single, as they silently start to question the validity of the past intimacy and the meaning of the “friendship.” If they do dare express grief at the sudden loss and abandonment felt, they can expect to be slapped in the face with the very same reality that they once embraced – there was never any commitment, they were only friends all along. It suddenly becomes clear how misleading this was, because while they said friends, they were not acting like friends.

The kinder way that scenario tends to play out is when the now coupled party gently ends the physical aspect of the relationship with the friend. They are sensitive to the feelings of the other party and offer assurances that they can still be friends as a “three” (not usually sexual, although…) and that it is in everyone’s best interest because they couldn’t go on forever and the abandoned party will now be “more available” for potential romance for him or herself. Although the friendship continues, the abandoned party often responds as in the first scenario and realizes that she had secretly had romantic hopes and desires all along, and feels a crushing rejection, only made worse by the continued friendship and having to watch someone else have what she had and pretend to be happy about it.

While the whole friends with benefits seems beneficial at first, in the long run it usually doesn’t play out kindly. They say the trouble with trouble is that it starts out as fun! Friendships work better when there is no physical intimacy involved, and when there is, they work better when you define them as what they are - Relationships! Whatever your situation or the reasons you’ve told yourself that you’re happy there, 'benefits' are nothing more than crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf, so have the courage to say so and go and find it, before someone gets hurt. Probably you!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

Is your friendship written in the stars?

Reading this article “Friends ranked best to worst based on their zodiac” posted on www.ideaspot.com by Kirsten Corely from Thought Catalogue inspired me to put together my own piece based on zodiac. Much of it is based from information from this website, combined with my experiences of people I know from each sign! This is just a bit of harmless entertainment, so it doesn’t matter if you believe in astrology or not. Are you compatible with your friends, or are you astrological "enemies" with your bestie?!!  Let me know if it’s accurate! Enjoy!
 

Aries: Aries make friends easily, as they are fun and adventurous. Although considered bossy, and prone to bouts of jealousy and selfishness, Aries make friends for life. *Mostly. They take good care of their friends, but also make sure their friends are interesting and can offer Aries something in return for the strength and solidarity they offer. If not, that may be when that *Mostly clause kicks in! Beware! Aries has the sharpest tongue of all the signs!

Best Friends: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Aries, Taurus and Pisces
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn, Libra and Cancer

Enemies: Scorpio and Virgo

Taurus: Taurus people are very charming, stable and supportive and tend to crave and attract group friendships. Because friendship is so important to them, they offer very loving and often intense friendships, and they are great at giving advice. It takes time to win them over, but once you do, you will be well rewarded…. So long as you can tolerate a stubborn and at times materialistic attitude, and aren’t too sensitive. Taurus people can be blunt (insensitive) and cannot tolerate perceived weakness. They can be a bit possessive too in extremes.

Best Friends: Pisces, Cancer, Virgo and Capricorn

Friends: Aries, Taurus and Gemini
 

Better as acquaintances: Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius

Enemies: Libra and Sagittarius

Gemini: Gemini’s make charming, witty, exciting and lively friends, who are always there to help a friend in need. As the most sociable of all the signs, they attract a large and diverse range of friends. They usually don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story! They are drawn to intelligence in friends, however cannot stand indiscipline, it makes them irritable. They can also be somewhat impatient.

Best Friends: Aries, Leo, Libra and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Gemini, Taurus, Cancer, Sagittarius,
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn and Scorpio

Enemies: Virgo and Pisces

Cancer: Although choosy with making friends, Cancer people consider you more like family and will be very (over) protective of you! They are the most loving and caring sign, and can always be called upon in any situation. Once bitten, twice shy though, the Cancer friend will retreat into its shell when hurt, and may never return, so be careful the first time around! You won’t get many second chances! They are highly sensitive and ruled by emotion. They may also be intrusive, however well intentioned.

Best Friends: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio and Pisces
 

Friends:  Cancer, Gemini, Leo and Capricorn
 

Better as acquaintances: Aries and Libra

Enemies: Sagittarius and Aquarius

Leo: While they don’t make friends easily, they are the most regal of the signs, known for their generosity, loyalty and usually sweet warm disposition. Leo’s take pride in their friendships, are very supportive, and have great organization and leadership skills. However they do not like to share, not the limelight and not their friends! They expect reciprocation in similar measures as they give! Somewhat needy, constant praise and gifts won’t go astray as they are very egocentric! Leo can become quite arrogant and have a fiery temper, which may be why they tend to only have small amounts of friends at a time. That and because they give so much to their friendships. Leo is the first to recognise an unhealthy or unbalanced friendship and won't tolerate these or other transgressions, perceived or real. 

Best Friends: Gemini, Libra, Aries and Sagittarius
 

Friends:  Leo, Cancer and Virgo
 

Better as acquaintances: Scorpio, Taurus and Aquarius

Enemies: Capricorn and Pisces

Virgo: Virgo friends are the most loyal of the zodiac. They are charming and possess high emotional intelligence which makes them great at understanding and supporting friends. They expect 100% loyalty from friends, as it takes them longest to trust and form meaningful friendships. Virgo’s are most prone to low self-esteem issues and as such will not tolerate any form of embarrassment from you. They are drawn to the more grandiose signs, happy to be a wing man. Misunderstood, their worried nature is often misconstrued as critical (and yes, sometimes it is!) This can make it hard for them to form lifelong friendships. Virgo is one of only 2 signs to appear as someone’s “enemy” 3 times and one of only 2 signs to appear as a “best friend” only 3 times. (With most other signs appearing 4 times as a “best friend” and twice as an “enemy.”) This is indicative of their social struggle, luckily they tend to be introverted and enjoy quiet time alone.

Best Friends: Cancer, Scorpio, Taurus and Capricorn
 

Friends:  Virgo, Leo and Libra
 

Better as acquaintances: Sagittarius, Gemini and Pisces

Enemies: Aries and Aquarius

Libra: Open honest and friendly, Libra friends tend to be extroverted and highly social, almost always surrounded by a group of friends. They are the most devoted friend on the zodiac, and as such ranked first on the abovementioned article! They make great counsellors and are always giving advice to friends… when they aren’t too busy partying! On the darker side, they are prone to being manipulative, indolent, irritable and aggressive. As they have larger circles, they won’t tolerate neediness, and will require a lot of space, both personal space and space within your friendship. Although highly social they are independent at heart so don’t expect to hear from them too much… unless it’s another party invitation!

Best Friends: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Libra, Virgo and Scorpio
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn, Aries and Cancer

Enemies: Pisces and Taurus

Scorpio: Scorpio’s traditionally prefer to keep a smaller group of friends, because they are private and secretive, believing that true friendship lies in the shared intimacies of life. (Get your mind out the gutter!) They don’t open up to many, but are extremely generous with those to whom they do. They are very hospitable and close friends will be treated more like a family member than a friend.  However, they are only prone to one or two lifelong friends, and tend to be the most relaxed in accepting that friendships come and go… this could be because they can be moody, quick tempered and ruthless! They become easily possessive and suspicious and once they feel betrayed or disrespected, you are dead to them! Forgiveness does not come easily, and they will not hesitate to end the friendship! That said, they are one of only 2 signs to appear only once as an “enemy” and sit with Virgo in only appearing as a “best friend” 3 times. Most people to the Scorpio will be neither a friend nor an enemy, and some may feel safer keeping it that way!

Best Friends: Virgo, Capricorn, Cancer and Pisces
 

Friends:  Scorpio, Libra and Sagittarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Aquarius, Leo and Taurus

Enemies: Aries and Gemini

Sagittarius: Sagittarius people will enthusiastically and even aggressively seek out lots of friends with relative ease. They are eccentric, dynamic and adventurous, and are drawn to easy going sorts, from a wide variety of people. Communication skills are of utmost importance to them! They struggle to form many deep or close friendships and as such will treasure and hold on tight to the ones they do have. They hold most people at a distance, and are not the best at keeping a confidence! It could be joked that they like the sound of their own voice, and can even be somewhat preachy at times. On the plus side, if they upset you, they are more than willing to talk it out!

Best Friends: Libra, Aquarius, Aries and Leo
 

Friends:  Sagittarius, Scorpio and Capricorn
 

Better as acquaintances: Pisces, Virgo and Gemini

Enemies: Cancer and Taurus

Capricorn: Capricorn’s are said to be the most trustworthy of the signs. At first glance they seem hard and stubborn, which can be extremely intimidating for many of the other signs, however once you get to know them (and EARN their trust) you will find that they are caring, generous, loyal and loving friends. The type you can always turn to in hard times, they can be maternal or paternal towards friends in a way. They value stable lifelong commitments from their friendships and give just that! They can be poor judges of character and often pay the price for this, often finding themselves surrounded with false friends. However their own preachy nature and ambitious drive also makes them prone to using people to get what they want. As they love a challenge (and challenging people) they can find themselves drawn like a moth to a flame! They do like a debate here and there too, so be warned. All that said they also appear with Scorpio as one of only 2 signs who are an enemy only once and do appear as a best friend four times, so they tend to get along with most of us just fine!

Best Friends: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus and Virgo
 

Friends:  Capricorn, Sagittarius and Aquarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Aries, Libra and Cancer

Enemies: Gemini and Leo

Aquarius: An Aquarius will have many a friend, but feel close to only a select few. Friendship is precious to them and they treat it, and their friends as such, with a caring and thoughtful nature.  They are always open to new friendships, but will always gravitate to those with high morals, values and intellect.  Their own strict moral compass may make others feel inferior and they may be labelled as demanding. They expect to be given priority in all relationships including friendships. They can come across as cold or aloof, preferring to focus on their own life, goals and problems than those of others. They may be considered lacking in empathy. Independence is high on their values list too, so if their freedom feels threatened the friendship will be easily discarded. They will do anything for a friend, as long as it was their choice, don’t ask! They don’t take kindly to being dictated to! (Then again, who does?!)

Best Friends: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini and Libra
 

Friends:  Aquarius, Capricorn and Pisces
 

Better as acquaintances: Leo, Taurus and Scorpio

Enemies: Cancer and Virgo

Pisces: Pisces is an emotional sign. Friends born in Pisces are the most empathetic, sympathetic and gentle of the zodiac. They are the best shoulder to lean on when the going gets tough… and they won’t be the ones that get going in these times! They are very emotionally involved and in tune with their friends, however if they don’t feel their friends are in tune with them emotionally they can take it hard. They get easily lost in their own emotions, and can turn cool quickly. Great at keeping secrets, they can be trusted as lifelong friends. They feel an overwhelming need to help others and may find themselves drawn to those in need. Prone to overwhelming insecurities, with a need to please others leaves them craving constant reassurance from their friends.

Best Friends: Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer and Scorpio
 

Friends:  Pisces, Aries and Aquarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Virgo, Gemini and Sagittarius

Enemies: Leo and Libra

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Signs of an unhealthy friendship

You don’t look forward to your time together. One or both of you usually cancel or make excuses, and more often than not it ends up with “let’s catch up soon” but you hardly ever do.

Time drags. When you do spend time talking or getting together you can’t wait for it to be over. When it is over you feel drained, exhausted, annoyed, angry, used, sad, confused or otherwise upset.

It feels heavily one sided. You don’t feel listened to, heard or understood by your friend anymore, or like she cares what is happening in your life. To be fair you don’t care that much about her crappy problems either!

There’s too much talk of trouble and problems. You never seem to just have fun anymore. You feel more like a therapist than a friend, often only seeking each other out in times of crisis rather than for enjoyable company.

The silences aren’t comfortable. When neither of you is in crisis, you struggle for conversation.

You don’t have much in common anymore. Maybe you were super close when you were both single, or working for the same company or living next door, but things have changed, and you actually don’t care that much.

You talk negatively about each other to your other friends, or heard that she has been talking about you.

You compete with each other and never seem genuinely happy for one another. If one of you has some happy news the other is jealous and tries to “one up” her, while you are secretly pleased at failures or misfortunes.

You don’t trust each other. You keep more secrets than you share, and there are more lies than truths between you.

A fight would be a relief, because it’s quicker, but you’re hoping for the slow fade out. That way you never have to have the awkward conversation where you state that you are officially no longer friends and avoid those triggering feelings of rejection and explaining why you don’t like each other anymore. Just because you’re not really friends doesn’t mean you want to seem unfriendly.

If your friendship is unhealthy but you don't want to let it go, just work on making your time together fun and enjoyable again. It doesn't have to be the end... unless you want it to be! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 signs of a healthy friendship

You look forward to your time together; it doesn’t matter if you saw her yesterday or last year, you are always excited to see each other.

You keep up to date with one another’s lives. You know the details, not just the big things.

You both share your secrets, leaving each of you feeling heard, understood and valued. No Judgement!

You have ‘inside’ jokes. The kind that make you both spontaneously start laughing when you see something, and nobody else gets why it’s funny.

You laugh together.

But you’re also always there for the serious stuff and you genuinely want to help however you can.

You support, encourage, trust and empower each other. You don’t compete, and if you feel jealousy occasionally, as we all do, you ask one another for tips on how to make your own life that extra bit special.

You prioritise your friendship, regardless of what other relationships and responsibilities you have in your life.

You are honest with each other. It doesn’t matter if it is when one of you has broccoli in your teeth, or is battling with abuse or addiction; one way or another you find a gentle and supportive way of telling each other the truth.

Lastly, you forgive each other. It doesn’t matter if you had a falling out that lasted minutes or years; in the end you know you will forgive, because you trust that the incident was a miscommunication or a mistake, and you know nobody is perfect. We all need a little forgiveness sometimes.

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to get back on the same page; When YOU are too busy

We all tend to lead such busy lives these days, particularly as we enter our thirties and forties. Many of us find ourselves working, raising children, managing relationships and family commitments. As much as we feel we love and value our friends, we just don’t have time to nurture that connection. This seems reasonable to us, and we will actively justify this as a circumstance rather than acknowledge it as a choice.

Hopefully because your friendship is worth it and equally beneficial! 

Priorities are called into question here, as no matter how busy we are, at the end of the day we can always make time for something we REALLY want to do. We may be guilty of only making time for our friends when we need something from them – favours, a listening ear, to borrow something, or to utilize a contact of theirs etc…. Sometimes we may actively realise we have neglected this friendship when we discover it could be useful for us. We may experience pangs of guilt, and make an effort at the friendship again before we broach what it is that we really want…. Unfortunately we don’t always keep up that same effort after the fact.

Sometimes we may only realise we have neglected a friendship when we need someone and they are not there for us. Or when we see them experiencing meaningful connections with others and feel the pangs of jealousy and exclusion. Sadly there are times when we don’t even notice we have neglected a friendship at all. We may simply say they just “drifted away” – which is rarely the case. Each of you made a choice to stop putting in effort to your friendship.

So what can you do if you recognize in your situation that you have been too busy, but genuinely feel too busy to actively make time for your friends? The first step in solving any problem is identifying it, so congratulations on taking the first step. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge. Your next step is to physically write a list of how you are spending your time each day. Once you have done that, highlight some time that you could use more effectively.

Maybe you like to watch your favourite show each week? Do your friends like it too? Why not make it your regular thing you do together, and you can catch up and chat in the ads? If you find an hour here or there just isn’t really enough to catch up with your friends, or doesn’t match up with the hour here or there that they can find, perhaps dedicate that time to communicating with them. You could give them a quick call, or commit to sending one friend a week a detailed email catching them up on your news and showing interest in theirs. Without communication you have nothing, so keep up the communication!

Now it would be wise to look at the people who do get your social time and communication. Who makes you happiest? Who would you want to spend your time on? Who would you miss if they weren’t in your life in years to come and who meets your needs the best? Sometimes we find we are spending more time on the less important people for whatever reason and less time on the important ones. This doesn't add up, so make sure your action is in line with your preferences and priorities. 

The next thing you can do, once you have identified which friends are worth the extra effort to you, is get organised! Do some research, and plan for your friends upcoming events. Know which ones she celebrates, and which ones are important to her. When is her birthday? Her anniversary? Her child’s birthday? What should you get? When can you plan to get together with her to celebrate? If you plan these things in advance, not only does it show that you were thinking of her and it was important to you, it also ensures you carve out that time for her so you MAKE yourself free.  If you have mutual friends you could also suggest inviting them along too, a great way to capitalize on the social event. As an added bonus, if you make the effort for them, you can look forward to reciprocation on your special days too!

The last thing you should do is think about the future. When the kids are grown, and you are retired, how much of what you are investing your time in right now will still be important then? You will need your friends again uncomfortably soon, and if you do not put in the effort now, who will still be around then? Will it be easy to make new friends in older age? While I hope you will continue to make new friends at every age and stage of life, there are a precious few for whom you should make the time. You will be glad you did. Being healthy today usually leads to being happy tomorrow. This is true of our physical health, mental health and relationship health. You do the maths!

Remember it is not the journey or the things we accumulate along the way that really matter. At the end of the day it’s who you have shared it with and who you continue to share it with. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ownership and friend poaching.

Friend Poaching, as described by the urban dictionary, is “when one friend befriends another through your introduction, soon putting more effort into that person than you do, simultaneously making you seem less desirable and devaluing both your original friendships. This can happen consciously or unconsciously.”

Triads are ok but triangles are not!

This is a topic I am all too familiar with. I have had friends poached and indeed I have poached friends. However for the first time in my life I find myself in the situation of potentially being poached myself.

Side A of the story is that there were 2 of you and you were close and things were great. Then one of you introduced the other to another friend. They hit it off and then there were 3. It's all so fabulous!.... Until you find out that old friend and new friend have hit it off and started hanging out without you. You suspect they are closer to each other than either one of them is to you. This hurts! You have gone from having 2 close friends to feeling like you have none; while they have each other. You scold yourself for having juvenile feelings of jealousy and do your best to remind yourself that you do not “own” either of your friends and they are welcome to have relationships with people outside of you. Yet you cannot shake the feelings of hurt and exclusion, and wondering what is wrong with you that they didn’t want you along, and paranoid thoughts that they are discussing you and laughing behind your back. It is pretty hard to feel close to either of them as your insecurity eats away at your friendships and your self-esteem. 

I have been person on side A often enough to know how crippling this type of pain can be. It is probably the worst position to be in, and if you find yourself here, I suggest you take steps to ensure you feel the same quality bond you felt with both people before, separate from the other, if you can. Hanging out in a group is important in the triad friendship, but more important is quality time with the people in question individually, so you feel secure that they each still like and value you. If one or both of them have suddenly stopped having as much time for you, this will hurt. However instead of taking it personally you must be objective and realise they are now dividing their time between more people than they were before and that is going to mean a bit less for you. Enjoy the time that they do still offer and keep in mind that all friendships go through a honeymoon phase, then wax and wane after that as people’s lives change and grow. Their new friendship has nothing to do with you. And it too will wax and wane!

Nobody wants to feel this way! 

Side B of the story is told by the “outsider”. If you are on side B, you were not one of the original pair. You had a friend, but you understood they had another friend of equal or greater closeness to you. At some point your friend said “Hey, you know what? I think you and my other friend would really get along; we should all hang out sometime?” And so you do. And your friend was right, you really do get along with their friend. And that is where it starts getting complicated. Are you allowed to see your friends friend without your friend being present? At what point are you allowed to call this new person a friend of your own rather than a friend of a friend? Will your friend be upset if you like their friend more than you like them? Should you hold off on discussing your mutual friend with your new friend? Is it disrespectful to actively pursue a hard and fast friendship with this person? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you proclaim closeness with each other?

I have also been on side B of this story at least once in my life that I can clearly identify. I can tell you this was the easiest side to be on. On this side you are pretty excited to have made a new friend, and even if you aren’t spending as much time with your other friend now as you were before, (due to spending it with this new friend,) you wont really notice because there is no hole in your life. It feels (for you) like a gain and not like a loss. My suggestion for you is to be very sensitive towards the feelings of both parties, and how your new friendship/s with them might take away from their friendship with each other. I know you are eager to know if you can call this person a friend of your own, and you can, but keep in mind when there are 3 people involved and only 2 hang out… that 3rd person is probably quietly feeling excluded. Make sure you are still engaging with your original friend; she did you a favour in introducing you to her other friends, and she doesn’t want a thank you in the form of you guys wandering off and forgetting her! She liked you both and she still does. The friendships were valuable to her and you may be taking something away from her. Make time for both people, separately and together. Everyone needs to feel valuable and liked. Remember at some point it will be you on the sidelines… nobody misses a turn on that merry go round in a triangular friendship. 

Then there is side C. I may have been on this side before and just never noticed perhaps, but this is the first time I have acutely felt like I am in this position. I am the friend in the middle. I am the friend Side A was close to and then introduced me to side B. Side B and I get along well and I have been excited to get to know her and spend time with her. And it is possible my friendship with Side B has upset Side A. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I love side A. I still try and make sure I keep up to date with Side A’s life and engage her and spend time with her without side B. I try hard not to discuss side B with side A or discuss side A with side B. Still, I have become aware that my budding closeness with side B is hurting side A. To be honest I really don’t know what to do about this. It was never my intention that side A would feel excluded, and I wonder if I have crossed a line by nurturing a private friendship with side B. I hate that my friendship with side B hurts side A. Yet I do not regret this circumstance because I have gained so much from having Side B in my life. Does this make me a terrible person... or just a terrible friend? I don't know. I do know I have to move carefully from here to protect and nurture both friendships, neither at the expense of the other. Side A may feel that side B is poaching me from her, and I am allowing it. Worse still that I may be encouraging it... Of course this notion that I belong to her is uncomfortable for me – but I cannot forget the times I have been in her position and how much it hurts. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean I am willing to give up my exclusive friendship with either of them so the issue I know will continue to crop up.

Right now this is the spot that I am in, allowing myself to be poached somewhat while still trying to remain loyal. It is a precarious position to be in. Alas, if you have ever had a triad friendship you will know that the tables will indeed turn and I will be back to a different position before I have figured out how to maintain the balance and keep the peace. Do triad friendships exist, or is it always in some way a poaching exercise in progress?

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to get back on the same page; when your friend is too busy.

Ok, so in the last few posts we have explored reading between the lines only to discover that you are not on the same page as your friend at all. It only seems the logical next step is to figure out how to get back on the same page as your friend, rather than let go of the friendship altogether, if you want to, that is.

I don’t write this blog because I know the answers, I write it because I wish to know them and develop a greater understanding as to how things go wrong, with the hope of learning both how to be a better friend, and how to have better friends. When I first started contemplating this blog, I was under the assumption that my sexuality was a big part of the reason I struggled to maintain stable platonic relationships with women… but this blog has helped me identify that friendships are just that – intimate platonic relationships, and sometimes, most times in fact, relationships end, and regardless of sexuality, this is ok!

If you come to a point where you are able to recognize that you are no longer on the same page as your friend, the first question you have to ask yourself is if you actually want to be on the same page. What I mean to say, is do you want to save the friendship? Can you see a way in which you could be on the same page again? (For a great many, the answer may be no.) There will be some friendships that will offer relief when they end, some where you will feel a level of indifference about it, some where it will feel extremely painful but necessary, and some where you will feel like far from being on the same page, that you aren’t even reading the same book and you never were! If you don’t want to fix the friendship, you are not a bad person, and nor is your friend. Perhaps your chapter in each other’s lives have come to a close. For now anyway. Sometimes you may be written back in later. How often do people in soap opera’s come back from the dead? It’s a little bit like that, even if the idea of it seems just as laughable! Lol

A few friendships though, you may feel are too special to not at least try and repair. Some friendships you desperately want to get on the same page again… so how could you achieve this? It seems reasonable that the first thing you need to do is carefully consider your friends circumstance. The worst thing you could do is consider her circumstances a rejection of you personally. If you can look at things objectively, and I know from experience how hard this can be, can you acknowledge that her time is largely taken up by other responsibilities, leaving her little social time? I know, I know, she needs to MAKE time, right? I hear you… but have you clearly asked her to make more time for you? Let’s try and focus on what you can control, as you cannot force your friend to do or say anything.

The next thing to consider is convenience. We all have this annoying tendency to want our friends to be available to us when it is convenient for us. As agreeable as this is when it works, if you want your friend to make time for you when it’s not the most convenient for her, consider if you’d be willing to do the same. If you have some pretty non-negotiable times where you cannot spend time with her, it is only reasonable to allow her the same courtesy. The thing is – you don’t get to judge what is and isn’t non-negotiable for her. She gets to decide that for herself. That might mean that while you would willingly miss your “me time” to spend some social time with her, she may value that “me time” too highly and would not rather sacrifice it. That has to be ok.

If there isn’t many time slots available to you both that would be convenient for spending time together, you have to accept this. The key is to keep communicating. So much of female friendships is determined by who knows what… and who knows first. No matter how busy your friend is, if your friendship is important to you and you want to keep it alive, make sure your friend stays on the “first to know list.” Maybe she isn’t literally first, but don’t let her be last, and don’t let her find out from someone else. This becomes tricky, because sending such communications of important news can be filled with expectations of not only a response, but a particular response.

However you decide to share your news, try very hard to let go of expectation. How and when your friend responds to your news is outside of your control, but in reaching out and sharing, you have played your part. Another way you can play your part, if communicating with a very busy friend – is to be respectful of her time. If you usually stay on the phone with her for at least an hour, you can expect your calls to go unanswered unless she happens to have an hour free at the time you call. Failing that, regardless of if you call or send long winded messages, you may expect responses such as “I’m just a bit busy at the moment, but I’ll get back to you later.” Again it is important to take this at face value and trust that your friend intends to do this. Remind yourself of all the times you have been super busy and meant to get around to something and kept forgetting, even if it was important. Be forgiving if she forgets, and know it is ok to send an update on your situation even if you didn’t get the response you were hoping for.  Alternatively you could also send a gentle reminder such as “This situation is still upsetting me. I know how busy you are and I don’t mean to add to your plate, but I’d really love it if you could make some time to talk to me about this sometime soon.” You have clearly expressed what you want and need, and kept it simple and to the point.

I know, and you’ll know too – by the annoying tendency of my posts to be too long… lol, that I tend to overwhelm busy people with long messages. They may want to reply, but it takes time, (and may turn into a conversation they also don’t have time for!) so I need to respect that they will reply when they have time, and that may be in a month, or they may not even read it until they have time, which can also take a while. If something is important, try to keep it to the point, and then give people time to process what you have said and respond in their own time.

Also remember not to let the friendship get too one sided, always make sure you are checking in on her and what’s been happening in her life no matter what is happening in yours, and check your own responses. Be aware of her needs and how you are meeting them, even if that means respecting her need for more space than you’d prefer.

As I spoke to someone I greatly admire recently, and she spoke of a friend, I asked her if she had not felt let down. She simply replied “My friend does not need that from me, what she needs is love, and I love her.” Perhaps the key, when in a situation where you are not on the same page as your friend, is to love her more, even if you feel she deserves it less, because your friendship needs it.  Patience is a virtue! If your friend seems to need an unspoken “leave of absence” from your life, grant it, and be there to willingly welcome her back when she returns. If you are too busy by then, it will be her turn to wait. Just don’t expect her to wait forever. Outside of death, not much in this life is permanent, not relationships, not friendships, not feelings, not beginnings and not endings. Endure them all with an open heart and mind, the future may surprise you if you are open to it.  Make the effort to first accept she's not on your page, and then try to get on hers.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The rules to friendship are pretty simple at the end of the day:

How do we end up on a different page to a friend?

Thinking about my last post and how an ex friend and I ended because we just weren’t on the same page anymore had me pondering exactly how that could happen. That is what I want to explore today. How do we get off the same page to begin with?

A person’s definition of friendship plays into this. Their definition will be based on their circumstances, experiences and perspectives (which are based on said circumstances and experiences.) For example, people who work or study full time (sometimes both at once) and whom may also have partners, kids, pets, extended family and other extra-curricular activities, obligations and responsibilities that chew heavily into their time, value low maintenance friends who place low demands on them and appreciate the sentiment that no matter how much time has passed it is like nothing has changed. This person’s definition of friendship would fall more in the realm of “2 friends will never part so long as the friendship lives in their hearts.”

People who are less obligated timewise, for instance, people who might be working or studying only part-time, unemployed, retired, raising children at home, or people without romantic relationships or extended family nearby tend to have a higher social need than those listed above. Their definition of friendship would tend to fall more in the realms of “Friends are the family you choose for yourself and family are the people you prioritise and make time for.”

In the case of myself and my ex-friend, she was in the former category and I was in the latter. However, the ironic thing is that our perspective changes with our circumstance and the tables can quickly turn.  In the beginning of what I perceived to be the end of our friendship, I was the person wanting, needing and offering more, while my friend was wanting needing and offering less. I can identify that there was a period in the middle, of a few years, where my circumstances came close to matching hers and that was probably where I reached a level of acceptance and understanding that our friendship fizzled but that it hadn’t been personal. Just as I reached acceptance things started changing again. Weddings, children and moving were all added to the mix.

I guess that’s another thing that plays into circumstance. Distance, and the relationship that shares with expectations. If a friend moves to the other side of the world, you naturally expect to hear from her less, and you may also reach out less. Out of sight out of mind, right? On the other hand if she still lives relatively nearby, you would still reasonably expect her to make the effort. However a half an hour drive might be nothing to you, but may considerably impact your friend’s willingness to come over, and she may assume you feel the same way and not throw out many invitations for fear of inconveniencing you.

This flows nicely into the realms of (mis)communication, languages, and styles. While one friend may base her ideals of friendship on measurable acts of service for one another, another may base it on someone spending time, listening and keeping up to date with the details of each other’s lives. Or one may be direct in communication and the other indirect…. Or 2 indirect people may mishear things in the silences that were not intended.

Circling back to my exfriend and what happened there, originally she wasn’t there for me when I needed her. She was too busy. In time I found other people to turn to; to be there for me. When she needed someone, I was still there for her. So in her experience we were still best friends because I was still meeting her need of me. I was still being her friend. In my experience she wasn’t there. She had stopped being a friend to me. What compacted this, was when we got together she would say “It’s so good that we can go so long without speaking and still be best friends.” Looking back perhaps that was a question and my indirectness and lack of ability to point out that she was far from my best friend anymore, and why, gave her a silent confirmation that I felt the same way. She only realised that I didn’t feel the same way when she experienced it for herself! When she was ready to make the effort, to make time, and she found that I was “too busy.” You’d think that would put us back on the same page, but I had mourned, I had experienced this loss and reached acceptance. She was just beginning.

Except it wasn't malicious the way this implies. It just happened as I reached acceptance! 

As mentioned in my last post, my exfriend was able to acknowledge her part in this on some level and did apologise for being “a bad friend.” Due to her awareness of this fact, she interpreted certain actions, such as me not telling her certain things ‘first’ as a punishment, failing to recall that the reason I stopped telling her originally was because she was too busy to take my calls.  (OMG This was totally pre texting era?! lol) This isn’t about blame. She genuinely was too busy. It is about understanding perspective and the experiences it is born from. Later in the friendship I was upset over feeling excluded, at a certain event, however I see looking back that she had probably felt excluded too from a few things and it was just as painful for her.  We just weren’t on the same page and perhaps we just couldn’t be due to circumstances? Makes me wonder about the importance of time and timing for sure!

At the end of the day though, it's about priorities and communication. As Shasta Nelson from Girlfriend circles recently tweeted “It’s impossible to build a friendship without interaction! Everything else is built on that!” To further this, I’d say it’s impossible to maintain a friendship without interaction even after it is built. Maybe you are too busy to make time to hang out, but if you are too busy to make time to talk? There’s literally nothing else to say. You’re not being a bad friend… you’re not being a friend at all.

In hindsight maybe it didn't have to be that way, but it is how it panned out unfortunately.

All this brings on the next question…. If my life makes no difference without you in it…how close can we be? Make a difference to your friends lives ladies…. By being in it in some way, and letting them share a place in yours.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx