Reading between the lines…. You DIDN'T say what??!!

This is a painful post that is close to my heart, but I did say I was going to try and be more vulnerable here right? So here goes nothing!

Recently I have recognized my inability to be direct and the value I place on those friends in my life who hear what I am not saying. The ones who read between the lines and address the feelings behind the words. The ones who understand me. The ones who are aware of this: 

It is such a beautiful thing when you meet these people. I’m lucky to have met more than one. I remember the first girl I met, around 14 years old, who came into my world and blew me away. She saw me, heard me and understood me in a way I had never experienced before, and showed me what it was to love and to be loved. I existed to her as if I had never existed before her. It was profound. I can only hope I did the same for her. When you are on the same page as someone in this way, it feels as though your souls have joined hands the way otters do in their sleep so they don’t drift apart. (Awww) I never imagined it would be possible for her and I to drift apart. I could not imagine a future without her in it and I knew she felt the same.  We were friends into our 30’s before it all came crashing down. I guess considering how young we were when we met, it was a pretty good run, but it will always feel, to me at least, unfinished.
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You were one of the most important people in my world, and if you were ever to stumble upon this blog, I know it would pain you not to find yourself directly referenced here. That silence would speak volumes and scream loudly “I don’t care. You didn’t matter.”  If you are reading this, it is not because I didn’t care that I have not written about you, but because I did care. I still do. I could not find the perfect words to honour you and the friendship we shared. It is also true to say that I had trouble articulating what happened exactly because it has taken me this long to fully understand it myself.  This post is for you.  I’m sorry it has taken me this long….

So…..Why did we drift apart in the end? Because while we were still reading between the lines…. We were no longer on the same page…and maybe neither of us realised! When we began we were so in sync. The rest of the world melted away as you and I created a world and language of our own. I smoked my first cigarette with you, shared my love of cheesy 80’s music with you as we serenaded each other into impulse deodorant cans, tasted my first sips of alcohol with you and even shared my first girl on girl kiss with you among other firsts! I know you felt the way I felt and I know (now) how much that scared you. I couldn’t understand it back then, how unexpected that must have been for you. I had my doubts about my heterosexuality already, long before I met you, but you had never questioned yours until then. It shouldn’t have surprised me when you eventually pulled away from me in favour of exploring the male species, but it did surprise me and it did hurt. It hurt because although I never asked you, I thought you were my girlfriend…. And then, suddenly, you weren’t. I guess you didn’t hear what I wasn’t saying, and I didn’t want to hear what you weren’t saying! It wouldn’t be the last time, perhaps, that I refused to hear you.

In time I came to accept that what had felt right for me, hadn’t felt so right for you, and we tried to remain best friends. It was all unspoken, but we struggled to stay on the same page after that. Actually maybe we were never on the same page after that. For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry I scared you. You were open and willing and loving enough to help me discover myself and I will always love you for that. However, this post is not about that. It is about what transpired after that. Or, more to the point… what didn’t.

I didn’t hear what you weren’t saying when your beloved pet died the next year, and I let you down. There were other ways after that we failed one another. These things cracked the foundation at the core of “us” – whatever we were. As life happened and we moved out of home, studied, took partners and jobs, life got more busy and the space growing between us was so loud… for me anyway. I don’t think you heard it now. As you answered my calls less and less, and returned them with alarming infrequency, I heard in your silence “We are not friends anymore. I don’t have time for you. Let it go.” I didn’t want to let you go entirely, so instead we transitioned into Shasta Nelson’s circle 3. While I interpreted this as “us pretending to still be friends from time to time” because there was no bad blood, no reason for a fight, no reason for it to end entirely, I see now that you genuinely still believed us to be 'best friends', while I was grieving the loss of you from my life?! In time acceptance found it’s way into my heart and I no longer cared that “we” were over. I let go emotionally.  This process took a good 5 or 6 years. I was moving on.

Ironically as that happened, as I let go, you finally heard the silence between us. You now, for the first time, heard in my silences “We are not friends anymore. I don’t have time for you. Let it go.” And from that point I failed to read between your lines. I didn’t hear what you weren’t saying. I didn’t take the time to understand and address the emotions behind the words. I wasn’t on the same page. Maybe it felt like I was refusing to hear you, but I was just no longer speaking 'unspokens' with you. I’m so sorry for that.

We fought over trivial things, and we both blamed you for “always making everything about you.” You apologized for being a bad friend and I still didn’t hear you! My indifference must have been loud and painful. Looking back is bittersweet because I can finally see how hard you were trying to get my attention. Trying to get me to show you the love that would maybe have saved “us.” I see that you put real effort into saving us and your silent screams and angry words fell on deaf ears. I can understand how hurt you were by my actions, and the messages I silently sent you when you were not asked to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, or when you were the last to know of a few other things going on in my life etc...  These things confirmed your fears; that we were over, that my soul otter had let go. :( I guess you were right, it had. I didn't fight for you. We couldn't keep fighting anymore. For or against. 

In many ways I suppose I made you watch me replace you. Ouch. Yet it was still a real shock to me, when you ended our friendship, formally?! Lol. Du'h?! Although that was also largely unsaid, I finally heard you. I didn’t understand, but I wanted you to know that I get it now. It was all a miscommunication, a misunderstanding. A reading of subtext which didn’t exist and a mixture of not hearing what wasn’t being said and hearing things that were not said and not intended to be hurtful. If only one of us had said “it feels like we aren’t friends anymore,” instead of blindly pretending that we were in the hopes that we would someday be again. Our timing was all wrong. I’m so sorry. Honestly. I miss you. I think of you. The Virginia Woolf quote springs to mind when I think of you; “I have lost friends, some by death, and some by sheer inability to cross the street.” I’ll never really believe we are over. That is the real reason I haven’t written here about you. I hope one day one of us will find the courage to cross the street. Until then, please know that “Somewhere in my heart I’m always dancing with you in the summer rain.” – Belinda Carlisle. Our friendship lives on in my heart and I remember you fondly and with much love. I hope you are well, and that we will meet again, if not in this lifetime then in the next one.

What will we choose.... it's already been a pretty long pause.... is there an expiry date of the choice?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

If I do cross the street one day, I hope you have left the light on for me! (See what I did there by including another cheesy 80’s Belinda Carlisle reference?! Lol)

What you say and hear versus what you do not say and hear.

So often we are triggered not by what someone says, but what we hear… or what we wanted to hear that we did not hear, regardless of if it was said, or not! Wow! There's a virtual game of twister for you! 

Examples:
Friend says: “I’m busy” – You hear: “You are not a priority.”
You say: “I can’t.” – Your friend hears: “I won’t”
Friend says: “I forgot.” – You hear: “It wasn’t important to me. You are not important to me.”(You wanted to hear "It is as important to me as it is to you, because you are important to me" but the only way to hear that was with the action of not forgetting, not through anything that was ever said, see! The message was in what was not said.) 

I have even found myself in a situation whereby my friend cancelled our plans on me at the last moment and I said “No worries” and she responded with something along the lines of “You don’t even seem to care. I see I am easily replaceable.”

Now if that doesn’t warrant the Ellie Goulding lyric quote “Stop talking in codes.” I don’t know what does! Lol  Clearly what I said and what she heard were not the same thing. I can see where my friend was coming from, but at the same time, I did NOT say that I didn't care, nor that she were replaceable, even though it is what she heard. I could have interpreted her cancellation in the same way and instead of saying “No worries” I could have said “Clearly I am unimportant to you if you can cancel so easily, you don’t care about me or our friendship!” But I wouldn't ever say that..... or would I? Lol Turns out... yes, I would! Having actually been guilty of this almost exact reaction recently with a different friend I felt that it was a timely reminder to post about what we do NOT say and what we DO or DO NOT hear.

Despite women’s reputation for being the great communicators of society, the situations at hand are glaringly obvious miscommunications. Much like the post based on Gary Chapman’s love languages, where I came to realise when you are someone’s friend you have to do it in their own language, women also have differing styles of communication and when you aren’t speaking in the same style, you might hear things that were not said…. Or even fail to hear things that were not said?! Yes, that’s right… fail to hear something that was not said?! How confusing is that?!

I have been reading a great book “You’re the only one I can tell.” By Deborah Tannen whereby she identifies the 2 different styles of communication and the problems and miscommunications that ensue as a result of these. It is a very interesting read and I highly recommend it. Whichever style of communication you use, it is very relatable. So what are the 2 styles? Direct communication and indirect communication. Simple really. 

My style is indirect. I won’t come out and say “You are acting like a jerk.” I will say “Well if you consider it from the other person’s perspective it may seem to them as though you don’t care, although I know you do care, it may not show in your actions.” And I will hope they take the implication kindly! If not I wont necessarily push the issue. If someone doesn’t want to hear that they are acting like a jerk then they wont, and if I come right out and say it like that I fear they will just get angry at me. My desire to avoid conflict, and the conversational style I was raised with anyway, dictate this not only as a preference, but almost a complete inability to be more direct.

I have become increasingly aware that this style is completely baffling and frustrating to those who prefer a more direct style. These are the people who never hesitate to tell me if they think I am being a jerk, nor anybody else. Their direct style intimidates the hell out of me and I find them too confrontational and angry. They find me too passive aggressive and weak. I am most likely to hear negatives they didn’t say and they are most likely not to hear negatives I didn’t directly say, either.

When I dissect the closest friendships I have nurtured, the thing that stands out the most is that I feel closest to people who hear what I do NOT say. The ones who speak my indirect language. The ones who know how I feel without me having to say so. These friends hear what is not said and respond in kind.  Positives are spoken directly, but negatives are all largely unspoken. Deborah Tanning would call this “High Considerateness style.” Each of us is acutely listening to the implications and are aware of the interpretations of what our friend may hear, think and feel as a result. We want to make sure she is heard and understood, and that we are too. This creates a feeling of safety to occasionally say something negative directly without fear of being dismissed, reprimanded, judged or misunderstood.

The people I feel less close to, have a more direct style of communication, Deborah Tannen labels as “High Involvement style.” These people say what they mean, and mean what they say and will often carry more of the speaking role in order to express their friendship. For women like me this can come off as conceitedness, confrontational, and an inability to listen or care. That said, I can also identify that these are the same women who are able to stay calm in a confrontation and just say what they feel. I admire this quality and find I am drawn to it on some level too. A quiet respect for it I suppose.

Something a direct friend may say/feel. 

My inability to get to the point and reveal the core issue comes across to a direct friend as pointless lecturing and their directness comes across to me as an aggressive attack. This miscommunication leads us to unhelpful labeling of each other and a failure to understand or show caring in the language of the other party. My own style dictates that I cannot stay calm and rational during a confrontation and if I am pushed into it, the forced directness will be cutting for everyone involved…. Almost always cutting the ties completely.

This is mostly because my direct friend has never actually heard my unspoken negatives even if I think they have, and so all they have heard from me is positive. To suddenly be faced with a wave of negatives, when pushed, is enough to not only wipeout the friendship but to leave them questioning if I ever even liked them at all. It tarnishes the directness of the positives they so easily believed before. 

This all poses the question; Are your friends responsible for what you hear? No. Direct friends are responsible for what they say and do, and indirect ones are equally responsible for what they do not say and do. If your friend hears something you didn't mean to say.... perhaps it's not so much what she heard, but what she felt? I don't know who is responsible for that, but I do know it should matter to you both. If it doesn't; therein lies your real issue. 

Your indirect friend is the one most likely to tell you that you look fabulous in that dress, (she may make an alternate suggestion, but won’t push it if she thinks you think you look great already) even though the photo’s later reveal a different story… but she meant to help you not hurt you. If your indirect friend hears something you didn’t intend, reassure her and then look at the reasons why she is feeling insecure. What have you said or done that has caused her to stop trusting in your positive intention towards her? If on the other hand she is the one that has upset you; be as indirect and non-confrontational as you can.

Your direct friend is the friend most likely to say you do look fat in that dress, and insist you change, but she also meant to help you more than hurt you. If your direct friend says something directly hurtful and confrontational, ask her to explain if she meant to be hurtful or helpful. Ask yourself what she has said or done lately that has caused you to stop trusting her positive intent towards you and what she can do to help you move forwards. Tell her as directly and calmly as you can.
 
Essentially you have to identify your friends’ style and try as hard as you can to understand and speak to her in her own language. Hopefully if she hears you trying to do this and she does the same for you, it may be possible to meet somewhere in the middle, but you will always do better with people who naturally speak your language in the first place.

What's your style?


❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

Quality time with your partner or without them?!

So often these days, women feel guilty for even contemplating the idea of time with their friends. This is especially true if it means sacrificing time with their partner. This fact remains, regardless of the gender of your partner, but for relatability to the majority here I am going with male partners. Also because it relates better to the story at hand! Lol

Friendships suffer at the stage of life where people start settling down, working full time, having kids. I guess we blame this on time. When you have both spent the day hard at work, and then come home to household chores, bills, cooking, children, homework, and maybe even work that you didn’t get time to finish at the office, it stands to reason that all you want to do at the end of it all is sit next to your partner and relax together. Weekends are filled with extended family, shopping, household chores like washing and gardening and if you’re really lucky every once in a while you may actually get a chance to go on date night. But friendships? Who has time for that? And how?

Gone are the days when your partner will call to say he will be late home from work as he is heading to the pub with the boys. He better not, right? You’d be annoyed. After all that would leave you in charge of all the necessary things and responsibilities while he just gets a free pass to drink with his friends. Does he not think you would like a night off? And so on and so forth.

This attitude means males are less encouraged in current times to indulge in friendships. Let’s explore this though?

A close friend of mine expressed how miserable her man had been lately until she forced him to spend Friday nights with his mates. Yes, she decided to be proactive, and instead of whining that she was left alone with the child (again) she embraced the idea of nights to herself, and encouraged him to have a guilt free night off every week.  You know what?  She reported a marked improvement in both their personal satisfaction and happiness and in their relationship. She reported a decrease in resentment which she claims was only hurting herself and the relationship anyway, and is open to the idea that she could benefit from boys nights out by hosting her own girls night in! 

Let's think about it seriously for a second.... when our men are not out there socializing – we are often put in the role of being their friend, their source of entertainment and social connection outside of work. Now, I would never underestimate the importance of quality time with your partner, but sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?  If your partner needs you to entertain them at all times, you will feel inadvertently guilty and responsible for his enjoyment even when you aren’t there.

I think my friend is on to a good thing myself. If Friday night is boys night, they can alternate weekends. If she stays home alone (or invites a friend over) while the child is asleep one week, he can have his mates over the next week and she can go out. When they come back together afterwards, everyone is feeling refreshed and happy and invigorated, because that is what spending “QUALITY” time with ourselves or with our friends does!

Sure the person who has to stay home with the kids draws the short straw for the week, because there are certain things that have to be seen to everyday when you are a parent. Things like dinner. That said, knowing that you will get your turn to not do it next week is refreshing in itself, and who cares if Friday night is pizza night anyway? Make it as easy on everyone as possible.

Of course, it's a little more challenging in some relationships, as some men don't seem very socially active, with a fair few not really engaging in friendships much at all. My own husband seems content with just our little family unit and the social interaction he gets at work. This does complicate things somewhat as I can hardly encourage him to spend time with people who don’t exist, or people he doesn’t actually want to spend time with. So instead I encourage him to spend his time doing other things that he enjoys outside of me. His sports, his music, his tv shows, movies and computer games…. None of which I enjoy particularly. Things which he enjoys much more on his own. I have always encouraged this sense of independence and individuality! It works for me, especially as he is happy to be the one who stays home EVERY week! Lol

Moral of the story? Encourage your partner to spend time with their mates, without you. Or to pursue other things that bring them happiness on their own. Then you will have guilt free time to spend with your friends or to pursue the other things that make you happy on your own. On top of that, your time with your partner will start to feel like a choice again, not an obligation or just a “given” because you live together and you are both home in the evenings. Maybe the key to quality time with your partner could be quality time without them?  What do you think?

Do you feel resentful or threatened if your partner spends time away from you, or do you encourage it? How else do you negotiate time for your friends? 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are all your friends 3’s?

Last week I posted “can we be less than friends” which was about the limbo land of the third circle friends. These are the friends about whom I imagine these meme’s are directed:

As I caught up with a casual friend for coffee recently and she questioned me about my writing – I expressed my ongoing confusion over the topic of friendship and the ways in which it works. She was kind enough to give me some insight into her own perceptions and experiences.

She expressed exasperation at her lack of time. As a full-time working mother, with a demanding job, a 2 children and all their commitments, a husband and a dog to cater for, and a house to run, she felt she had not much room nor energy left over for friendships. Using our brief catch up of less than an hour as an example of how little time she has to offer people, she said most of her friends are in similar situations. Give what little you can offer, take what you can get and be grateful for it.

I took from this conversation that most of her friends, including but not limited to the ones she considers close or good friends, are actually in circle 3. Some of them may have been circle 5, it was unclear, however, it seemed to me that perhaps many of them never made it there to begin with. 3 seems as high as she can go at this point in her life.

Her friendships are high in understanding and low in time. The types of friendships you may consider low maintenance. The types where it could be said “Yes, I could call her in an emergency,” but it’s unlikely you ever would because the general understanding is that any expectation of time or anything else is considered burdensome. Rather than spending her time enjoying, sharing and relating to her friends, she spends her time perpetually catching up on what she has missed, or what they have.

I asked if that didn’t feel lonely, and she said she hadn’t thought of it that way. I suppose she feels too exhausted to add more ‘needs of others’ to her list, however that also leaves her own needs largely unmet. She could agree with me that many women were unable or unwilling to make time for friendships when their partners were available and that as such much socializing was done in the context of “couples and family friendly” events. Being that much of the intimacy from female friendship is derived from privacy, this method of experiencing connectedness is limited at best.

I wondered why it didn’t bother my friend the way it bothers me. I suppose women like me make people like my friend feel an extra layer of guilt they would rather avoid. As I am not a full-time working mother, it stands to reason my needs would be different and perhaps the social interaction that takes place at work allows working women to feel less isolated. While I am not sold on the longevity or authenticity of work friendships entirely, there is much to be said for the perception of having friends and the need that work friends are able to fulfill. Much of these interactions would include conversations that play out the familiar social script that women are so busy doing it all and nobody has times for themselves, let alone for their friendships. If everyone is talking about it – surely that is normal?

My question remains, is it normal or are we making excuses for ourselves and others to have low expectations because it is less pressure on us if they do? So many women, myself included suffer from symptoms of anxiety, stress and depression – all of which I feel could be helped if we spent more time connecting with one another and less time avoiding it and making excuses. The benefits of friendship on health and stress levels have been widely documented and yet almost unanimously unacknowledged in everyday practice. It doesn’t make sense. The loss of identity widely associated with marriage and motherhood is also widely overlooked or unacknowledged.

We may feel we are doing each other a favour by having low social needs and expectations, yet it strikes me that we are actually doing ourselves a big disservice. Part of the reason we do this is the aforementioned guilt. It is seen as selfish to take time for oneself and friendships are considered even more “unnecessary and indulgent” as a way we spend our time. This is perpetuated by women saying to each other that they are “lucky” if they manage to find ways to spend time with friends instead of encouraging it and then finding ways to make time themselves.

If all your friends are 3’s and you spend your life perpetually catching up with them, doesn’t that indicate that you are in some way behind? Next time you feel stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and busy… literally phone a friend. (Or even better – leave the house and go see her!) It sounds counterproductive when you have so little time already, but just try it and then tell me if you don’t feel better.

I know I always feel better after spending some quality time with my friends, and I’d rather be perpetually catching up on the housework than my friendships. After all, when I die, my house is not going to stand up and say how valuable I was to it, and I certainly don’t want “Her house was so tidy” in my eulogy as some kind of accomplishment. Those of you that know me will laugh because you know I am at no risk of that regardless, but you get my point.

Maybe it is time to move some of those 3’s (back) into 5’s. You won’t regret it.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Can we be less than friends?

In a previous post I referred to the blog of Shasta Nelson and how she categorized her friendships into 5 circles. The first circle was for acquaintances, while the second circle was for people closer than an acquaintance, more like a casual friend, brought together by some common ground. The fourth circle was for people you were expanding your friendships with from circle 2. You are removing the common circumstance and trying to see if they may become a fifth circle friend. Circle 5 is for your close friends.

Circle 3 is the circle I am talking about here today though. The third circle is the circle for people who made it all the way to circle 5….however for whatever reason, they no longer fit in there. You have been too close to ever be an acquaintance, and yet circumstances or emotions dictate that you can no longer be close either.... Not for now anyway...So what then?

I do have a few circle 3 friends, so I know it is definitely possible for a friendship to transition to this limbo land. I have friends who drift in and out of 3 to 5 on a petty consistent basis. There are even a few who seemed to land there without ever quite reaching the fifth circle. These are the friends who have naturally ended up there in that third circle. I suppose it is fair to say usually there was quiet acceptance and mutual desire for this transition.

My question is this: Is there a way to place someone in circle 3 against their will? I have been guilty of not peacefully transitioning there myself, when the time has come before I was ready. I have ended friendships and had them ended for me due to the confusion and hurt this transition causes the person being 'downgraded.' In other circumstances I have tried moving people quietly and even directly asking them to move.

Essentially there is no nice way to say to someone “Can we be less than friends.” I can tell you from experience that the short answer is no! Not if you have to ask. It doesn’t matter the reason. It may be because you don’t have as much to give anymore, it may be because someone moved away and is time poor, it may be because someone changed the dynamic between you (even unwittingly) or it may just be because you are no longer feeling comfortable in the friendship for whatever reason. If the other party is not on the same page, the transition will be near impossible. If someone wants to be a 5 and you only want to be a 3, the most likely result is zero.

It can feel like being called a 5 but treated like a 1.... The reason that the likely outcome is zero is because of the sense of rejection the request brings with it. I guess it stands to reason that rejection and friendship are entirely opposite concepts and if one person feels rejected then we don’t get to tell them they aren’t.

At the end of the day, you can’t force a person to transition to circle 3. Under the best circumstances this is mutual and you both transition to a 3 together. Not ackowledging it, at times maybe not even noticing it. Failing that, a person must go, however reluctantly, of their own free will.  It may take time and tantrums and long periods of silence, but essentially, eventually, acceptance must come.

Regardless of who is making the transition, if you have had to have a conversation about the transition it won’t be easy or painless for either of you. It will probably trigger many fears and insecurities in one or both of you and the chances of survival are slim.

Maybe circle 3 is the polite way of not being friends and not falling out either? It is the way of leaving that door open for a future connection if circumstances change, and not acknowledging harsh feelings, but giving them space to dissipate naturally. It is the place you put people who you have shared too much with to let go of, but who don’t fit in your current life comfortably. The limbo land of not wanting to let go nor hold on. Like your friendship waiting room.

The waiting room is their choice.  The most important thing is not to let people stand in your doorway to block the flow of traffic. They can’t get back in without invitation, but they may not still be waiting if you ever decide to send that invitation. It’s likely that when you do catch up from time to time the history between you will play out as it has always done, and things will feel as they have always felt. Yet something HAS changed and you both know it.

I guess it boils down to this: Can you handle the limbo for the gamble on the long term payout or is the emotional cost too high?

There is no right or wrong answer. I am a believer in fate and have a deep trust that whatever is meant to be will be. If you are meant to be friends with someone in the future, then you will be. Regardless of what circle you choose… if any.  If you’re not meant to be friends again in the future then remember this; your reason for coming together has expired. Hopefully this means the lessons have been learnt. It WILL hurt. Growth always does, but you’re both probably growing in good directions, even if they are opposite ones.

Do you have friends in circle 3? Are you in anybody else's third circle?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is there any place for the word NEED in Friendship?

Humans are social creatures, so the simple answer to the question is yes. We do need friendship – very much so!! However this would be a very short post if it really were that simple.

What I have learned so far in this life, is that while we do indeed need friendships, it is unwise to ever convince yourself that you need any one friendship in particular. You do not, and a friendship will never be satisfying to you if you feel you need a certain person in your life and they only consider you an option in their life. In return the person you need may begin to feel pressured, cornered, smothered by your need for them. Remember that the true beauty of friendship lies in the choice. If you choose each other for no other reason than love, it is a beautiful thing. If one of you feels trapped or obligated and the other feels insecure, you’re on a road to nowhere!

What about our emotional needs? Is there room in friendships for emotional needs? Hmmm. That is where it gets really tricky. As social creatures, it is also ingrained in our nature to have emotional needs and I am certainly not about to deny this or say it should not be. We do have needs whether we "should" or not!

As I reflect on all the ended friendships in my past I can honestly say needs were at the core of each of them.

I recall times where my own needs were not being met. During these times I either pulled away, or had a tantrum because the other person had pulled away and stopped meeting my needs. I can reflect on times where I was meeting someone’s needs…. Until someone else came along and met their needs better than me, and they pulled away. Similarly there have been times when someone came and met my needs better and pulled me away from the original person. There have even been times when my needs, or the needs of the other party, suddenly changed, leaving one of us suddenly unsatisfied by this new unmet need. Often, in effect, leaving the other person baffled as to what changed and why, and if they even have the capacity or desire to meet this new need!

Essentially if a friendship is ending, I now believe the key is needs. If you are worried that a friendship is at risk in your life, I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

Have your needs changed? If so, can you identify what you now need, and how you or your friend can meet that need?
Have her needs changed?  If so, can you identify what she now needs, and how this new need can be met?
Does one of you need more? If so, can you give more?
Does one of you need less? If so, can you accept/give less?
Have you been clear about what your needs are?
Do you know what her needs are?
How is she meeting your needs, and how could she be better?
How are you meeting her needs and how could you be better?

In friendships we all like to feel like the person who adds value to our life also receives value from having us in theirs. However we often get so caught up in our own needs that we fail to question what she needs and if we are meeting her needs. How can we expect to be valuable to someone if we don’t know what she actually values or needs to feel cared for?

Don’t assume that your friend values the same things, or that she knows what you value either. It’s possible that you feel valued when someone brings food to a dinner party and offers to help you get organized first, and she feels valued when you remember to call after that doctors appointment. If she is meeting your need you may never even realise that you are not meeting hers. That is especially true if you are offering her the same type of support that you yourself would value.

I can identify at least 2 friendships that ended because I offered only the same support I found valuable and as a result unwittingly left my friend feeling uncared for. I couldn’t understand because I had remembered to call, I had made time for her?! Except she didn’t want time. Matter of fact she felt my offer of time was demanding when all she wanted was for me to cook her a meal when she was stressed about her exams and drop it at her house. On the other hand, I felt neglected by the same gesture and that her offer of food was a cop out when what I wanted was time to talk and vent and bond.

See how each of us gave what we wanted to receive without really thinking about what the other person needed?

I still need time from my friends, and I need them to show that they care by remembering the small details and asking for more information on how I feel about things I share. However I am now aware that those same needs don’t always translate to love on the other side. I am still not great at meeting those more practical needs over emotional ones, but I am practicing this within my own limits. Similarly I am more aware of the limits of my friends and try to manage my expectations of them to meet my needs accordingly.

Long story short? If you feel your friendship is at risk of fracture – ask her what she needs. Tell her what you need.

Your needs are important. Just don’t get bogged down in the idea that only one person can meet them. If you are at odds and unable to feel completely satisfied, you are within your rights to find someone else to meet your needs. Your friendship may still fracture, or become less close, but I promise you that it wont feel as bad if your needs are still being met.

Do you even know what your needs are? How about your friends? Worth some thought!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are your Feelings Fact or Fiction?

In my last post “Is your Perception Fact or Fiction” I explored the subject of perception and how it is actually a choice. Well, today, I wanted to expand that further to explore how much our perception affects our thinking and how much of our thoughts influence how we feel.

Feelings feel like facts, right? How often have you felt the need to defend, justify or explain your feelings to someone… or even to yourself for that matter? How often have you tried to talk yourself out of what you feel because it is uncomfortable? How often have you really been successful? We generally accept that we are emotional slaves.

Let me start by giving you a scenario:

You send your bestie a PM on Facebook. It contains a funny reference to a private joke between the 2 of you. You know it will have her in stitches and although it seems trivial and actually doesn’t need a response, you anticipate her reply anyway. You continue scrolling and enjoying your social media experience. You smile when you see signs that she is “online.” Maybe you see the green dot next to her name in messenger chat, or maybe she posts something or likes or comments on someone else’s post. You check your message to see if she has read it….. Unread. You think to yourself that she will read it any minute now and try and make justifications in your head such as:

“Maybe she didn’t read it because she was with someone and that would be rude.”
“She must be on her way home from work, she’ll read it when she gets home.”
“She’s probably making dinner and will read it after she has eaten.”

You get the drift. You are trying to avoid feeling unimportant to her because she saw your message and didn’t bother to read it. Or did she? She has been online, so she must have seen your message notification?....

A few hours go by and you notice that she still hasn’t read your message. Your justifications get more extreme (think – “there must be an issue with her messenger?”)  At this point you can’t think of many other reasons she hasn’t read your message. So your thoughts get a bit darker. They might go a little something like this:

“Have I done something to upset her?”
“Is she angry with me?”

This is when your thoughts start filtering through your last interactions with bestie; looking for clues or missed signs that you did or said something wrong, bad or upsetting. “Did I offend her when I joked about her partner’s hair?” Your thoughts get defensive. “She even told me herself that she hated it and thought it didn’t suit him. I never would have mentioned it if she didn’t!”

You start fretting and feeling really bad and worried. You think to yourself “It’s not like her not to respond, there must be something wrong?” You send her another message saying “Is everything ok? I’m always here for you.”

By the time you go to bed that night there is still no answer. She still hasn’t read your message. You wonder if you should call but start to feel scared that she won’t answer or that you won’t like what she has to say to you. You go to bed, but it plays on your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it. You are so sad. You start to feel abandoned. You hardly sleep. You are physically and mentally exhausted.

In the morning, your insecurities get the better of you and you send her another message that says “I’m really sorry if I have done something to upset you? Please talk to me?” You can’t eat because you are so worried and although you go to work, you are unproductive, mostly just watching her online movements. She has been online 12 times and not read your messages. Your thoughts tell you unequivocally she is definitely upset with you! It is fact. You start to feel angry. That is also fact.

You message her, yet again. “I have been over all our recent interactions in my head and I can’t think of a single thing I have said or done that would cause you to ignore me. Clearly I have upset you but if you don’t talk to me I don’t know what I have done?! I thought our friendship was worth more than this to you? I guess I am not important to you after all! How could you just stop talking to me like this? Maybe you aren’t the person I thought you were.”

Still no response when you get home from work. By now you are crying and thinking to yourself “I guess she never really liked me that much at all. It was always me sending her funny messages. She never sent them to me. I just wanted to make her smile and she can’t even be bothered reading my messages? I always respond to her straight away. I am excited to get her messages and she can’t even be bothered reading mine?! Why does this happen to me? Why is it that I always like other people more than they like me? I should just give up on all my friends. Nobody likes me. I am such a loser.”

You have slumped into a depression. You try and watch a movie to distract yourself but you can’t concentrate. You re-read all your messages and cry as you again look at the joke that was supposed to bring you together. You feel broken hearted. That is fact. Everything that has happened is fact in your mind. And everything you feel is real.

You are so upset that you speak to someone else close to you about it. When they defend your bestie you won’t hear of it, and you insist that the only possible explanation is that your bestie is ignoring you! You justify your thoughts and feelings on the matter. When the person you are speaking to cannot convince you to change your perspective, they instead tell you not to think of it. You feel disgruntled by this and misunderstood. If you could stop thinking about it, you would!!! You are too self-absorbed to ask the person you are speaking to about themselves or their lives/problems and they find an excuse to end the interaction. You tell yourself it is just another person who doesn’t care about you and that you’re better off alone. You think of all the little signs that you have missed that your friend has been pulling away for a while.

Does this sound familiar? I know this is an extreme example, but extreme thinking is just that – extreme. And your extremely negative thoughts have left you feeling extremely bad. (This may also work when you allow yourself to believe anything is extremely good too. Such as the friendship you believed to be extremely good until now.) I don’t deny that what you feel is real, but what you feel is a direct results of your thoughts.

The following morning you get a message from bestie. It reads “Hi! OMG! I am soooo sorry. My kid ran off with my phone to play candy crush and hid it from me in his room. I didn’t find it for 2 days! I was not ignoring you and I am not upset. Really funny joke by the way, I almost wet myself! Haha. Love Bestie x”

Relief floods over you. You feel a bit embarrassed at your response. You laugh at your stupidity. But your friendship with bestie is never the same because you still always secretly wonder now and can’t forget all the things you thought about. How she is pulling away. How you always make the first contact and so on. You are cautious around her because you are hurt and embarrassed and afraid to be vulnerable. You stop messaging her as much because you decide you probably do message her too much and she probably doesn’t know how to tell you to stop. You hope she will notice and message you more, but she feels your distance and thinks maybe you don’t believe her and need space.  She feels your reaction was extreme and no longer feels safe with you to trust her positive intentions. She is defensive about your anger. You slowly drift apart and you miss each other. Neither of you really understands why you aren’t besties anymore, but you slowly gravitate towards other people.

Each of you believes your feelings are fact, but they are not. They are simply products of thought. Also not fact.

Alternatively, consider this scenario:

You email (as opposed to PM) your bestie the same joke. As you have no way of knowing if or when she checks her emails (Thanks Facebook! There’s another post topic!) You assume she will reply when she can and you forget about it. You haven’t heard from her by the next night which seems odd, so you give her a quick call. It rings for a while before someone answers. It is her kid. You tell them to get mummy for you. Bestie comes on the phone and laughs and tells you that she’s glad you called because her kid ran off with her phone and she didn’t know. She thought she lost it – she hadn’t had it for a whole day and it was so stressful. She says she has to now go and discuss this with her child, but you set up a date to chat and drink wine on the weekend. You both feel happy and supported and connected. You stay close.

Yes, in this scenario, your actions were slightly different, but the point is that you didn’t overthink the situation and didn’t make it all about yourself. You didn’t have negative thoughts, nor feelings. You see?

Feelings are not facts. They are products of thought. Thoughts are not facts. They are often assumptions. If you can’t figure out the answer, and you can’t stop thinking about something – engage in something you find stimulating. Learn something. Help someone. Get active. Start a new project. Anything that isn’t mindless and allows you to overthink. Because the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind….. The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday… ~ “The Sunscreen Song” by Baz Luhrmann.) Love this song. I am off to listen to it!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is Perception Fact or Fiction?

A loyal reader recently posted a comment regarding perspective and pointed out how mine could use a bit of tweaking! And she was right. This got me thinking about the struggle with perspective in general and how we all fall off the wagon sometimes, and that is ok. Here is how we can recover.

I recently came across a story in which a man described his perspective of being around his ex wife for the first time, with her new partner. He described how replaceable and worthless he had felt as he watched the people he used to know – his ex-wife’s friends and family, greet her and her new man the way they used to greet him. He described watching his ex-wife’s easy smile and relaxed demeanor as though he had been merely a plastic playing piece in a game that would be replaced as the game continued without him. He questioned what signs he had missed and how had he never realized he was so unspecial. (Oh how I love making up words!)

While he speaks of a marriage, I can relate this back to friendships too. As some friendships grow apart or come to a close, it is easy to look at the other person’s life (without you in it) and assume they don’t care. It is easy to assume you were the worst, the problem and allow your brain to tell you that nobody will ever like you and you are destined to be alone and friendless forever. My psychologist likes to call this extreme thinking, and yes it is something I do, quite a lot!

The conclusion that this guy draws is that, ultimately, all of that comes from our ego. So while we might indulge in these feelings somewhat, getting lost in them is a terrible idea! It is too easy to see pictures of your friend hanging out with her other friends and think “see, she doesn’t even care that I am gone.” I have thought this myself. I have let jealousy consume me and jump to conclusions about how someone does or doesn’t feel about me based on things that have nothing to do with me. When your ego is bruised it howls so loudly in your ear it is hard to hear sense from nonsense.

However you need to ask yourself if it is possible that the person does care for you, even if they are not missing you in this moment as much as you are missing them? Is it possible she is onto something if she is off enjoying life while you focus on hers instead of your own? Is it possible that thinking about it achieves nothing except making you feel worse?

My psychologist continues to work on this choice of perspective with me. I know it isn’t easy. I get into healthy patterns then before you know it I take another step backwards. Patterns of thinking are hard to break, but we can break them and create new ones. We can choose to think of things in different ways. We can even choose not to think of them at all.

The trap I most commonly fall into is assuming that by thinking about an issue I can come to terms with it or resolve it. I am also guilty of focusing my attention on what someone else is or isn’t doing and why it hurts and justifying that to myself. Sure it does actually hurt a lot and I shouldn’t need to justify that. However as my trusty psychologist (have I mentioned she drives a BMW?!) points out, I need to spend more time on deciding what I am going to do now, regardless of what they do. I need to accept that sometimes the solution doesn’t include the person who created the problem.  And if I must focus on it, I must focus on what I can learn from it and ways I could have been different. If a door closes, don't keep knocking, find a window! 

Ego is quick to play the victim, and it is NOT big on accountability or reflection. With practice I learn that perspective is a choice and if I focus on making choices that will make me feel happier and healthier it starts to matter much less what other people are doing. And at times like these I advise you to stay away from social media, and engage in your actual life. But that is another post all together!!

I had a best friend in high school, wise beyond her years. Her favourite quote, and I may have shared this before, but it is worth sharing again is: “True happiness is knowing that what other people say and do is a reflection of themselves and not of you.”

You know what else is common in extreme thinking? An all or nothing attitude. If we cannot be friends the way we were then we cannot be friends at all. And you know where that typically leads you? Right down the path you didn’t want to go down. Proceed with caution!

If a friend is meaningful to you, and your friendship seems to be ending, I suggest you focus on what it is and what it can be instead of what it isn’t and what it cannot be. The beauty of friendships is that they are not monogamous so to settle for less temporarily may be better than to push for more. All relationships ebb and flow, when they ebb, if you flow in another direction for a while, you may grow together again in the future.  This is still true even if you push for an ending and get one, but it is much harder to recover from an ending than from a prolonged pause.

I can hear you thinking “But I deserve more! She is being awful and doesn’t care that I am hurting!” And I tell you she is taking care of herself right now and for the good of your friendship, you need to do the same. You do deserve more. So go and find it, with someone else. You’ll be glad you did, and in time this wont matter nearly as much as you thought; So long as you are open to changing your perspective. If you really believe your friend is so awful then why do you want to be friends with her? And if you really believe you are so awful why would you expect her to be friends with you? You struggle because you know neither of you is awful or deliberately hurting the other. You want to feel important and cared for. How can you achieve this outside of your friend? And how can you care for yourself in such a way that it isn’t important to you if someone else cares for you or not?

There is an old proverb that says “perspective is reality.” Which brings me to the question is perspective fact or fiction? The answer my friends, depends on your choice. Think about it

What will your choice be?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The “BACK-UP” friend.

I have written here before about the convenience factor in friendship and the huge underlying role it plays in pretty much all of our friendships. If a friendship becomes inconvenient for one or both parties involved, it will probably end, - and you might not even notice it has ended until the dust settles!

As I have experienced this countless times, I have also noticed a pattern within my friendships that I find unsettling. Perhaps it goes hand in hand with my people pleasing tendencies, but I can recognize how much effort I put into being convenient for my friends.

By this, I mean to say, that usually, I can identify the people in my friends lives, with whom they would rather spend their time… and I am (usually) very understanding and accommodating of this. It may be other friends that I know my friend is closer to than she is to me. It might be family because I know that her kids or her parents take up the most of her social time. More often than not it is her partner.

Say for example her partner works away – I will do my best not to ask for her time and attention when he is home. If she usually spends Friday nights with her friends from work I will never arrange a get together then, even if that would be the best time for myself. If her partner works during the day and she has a day off work during the week, I will accommodate my schedule to see her on that day. If she spends Sunday mornings at church with her parents, I’ll never suggest anything with her on a Sunday before 2pm even if I know the service ends at 10am. Some friends always seem to decline when I initiate at all, so I always wait for them to ask and basically bend over backwards trying to be available when it suits them. Or I will say “Let me know when you want to catch up?”

As I am fortunate enough that I don’t have to work at this point in my life, I am lucky that I can be accommodating for my friends. My husband is very flexible and accommodating of my high social needs and doesn’t stand in my way. This is true even if my time with my friends impinges on our time together as a couple. My husband knows that allowing me to have friendships is essential to my happiness. That he encourages me to have friendships which remind me that I am still a person outside of my role as a wife and mother is a beautiful thing. He knows I often come home happy, and better able to meet the needs of my family when my own needs are met.

I do, however, often ponder what would happen if my circumstances were different. What if I did have to work and was unable to meet my friends on their days off? What if I couldn’t be available to them at times when my husband or family were available to me? What if I was as inflexible as them? What if I was too tired to come out on a weeknight or too hungover to meet up for a Sunday brunch?

I feel like I have to be so patient and flexible and available to them because someone has to be and they never seem to be. They never have trouble telling me no, that my suggestion won’t be convenient. What if I did the same? If I made their friendship feel as inconvenient as they inadvertently make mine feel? You know what I think? I think I would be very lonely. And ultimately I guess that is why I continue to do it.

Do you know what is ironic though? Living my life this way; existing in the cracks of other people’s lives still makes me feel incredibly lonely. There is a certain acceptance that comes with knowing “Yes I have been invited there tonight because her partner is busy, or away, or because someone else cancelled.” However there is also a certain feeling of rejection that comes with it too. That feeling of being the “back up” friend. The second choice.  (Or further down the list!) The time filler so that they don’t have to be alone and feel lonely while the person they really want to see is busy. I understand this is all part and parcel of managing friendships and family and relationships. Trying to give everyone the time and feeling like nobody gets enough.

That said, I also understand that my loneliest days tend to fall on the weekends when everyone else is busy with partners and other friends and family. And I don’t see a single person making themselves available when it is convenient for me the way I do for them. While I am happy to be accommodating and fit in with everyone else, I can’t help feeling like it would be nice to be that person that they wanted to spend time with because they enjoyed our friendship and our time together as much as I do. I guess it would be nice to feel like someone is available at my convenience. Is that totally selfish? Yes. But at least it’s honest.  

Everybody plays the back-up friend sometimes. I know this. None of us are immune. Question is, where is the compromise? The middle ground?  How do you strike the balance? Or do you just keep growing in people’s lives like a weed and grabbing at whatever rays of sunshine you can get through the cracks? Is that the actual definition of friendship as opposed to the back up? Are friendships just the relationships that grow in whatever cracks of time are left in someone’s actual life? Are my hopes too high that both things can be of equal priority? 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Tell me they can coexist?!

The unacknowledged shelf life of Friendship.

A friend of mine recently left her current place of work in favour of new challenges, people and closer proximity. While the new position is as exciting as it is challenging my friend was unprepared for the wave of sadness that swept over her when it came time to say her final goodbyes to each of her colleagues.

She took a selfie with each of them as a memento and wrote something positive she had taken away from knowing each person. It was touching when she realized how much time and energy she had actually unwittingly placed into these people and grieved the loss of the friendships.

Of course, I was quick to outline that she would be meeting wonderful new friends soon. (And in hindsight, quick to dismiss perhaps the feeling she was trying to express instead of hearing her. Sorry!) I was also fast to reassure her that if these people meant so much to her, there was always the option, possibility, and hopeful probability that the friendships would flourish outside of work and she could keep in touch with them if she wanted to. The question was – were these people friends, or was she grieving the missed opportunity to make these people actual friends?
 

My friend was able to articulate that the sadness she felt was in acknowledgement of the death of these relationships and something she had always known but never articulated – these friendships had a shelf life. That shelf life was about to expire. It was the workplace that brought them together and the commonality that kept them together as a team. While they knew much about each other and their personal lives, the glue as she knew it was the employment. The team work. The politics. The morning teas and yes, the send-offs. They were friends in a context, but that chapter was coming to a close.

It is testament to her journey to mention that this is the first send-off she has had. Her previous jobs have not always ended on such positive terms and it is an important thing to mention that maintaining positive workplace relationships through all the diversity that work can create is character building and takes a developed maturity.

So why, when we know deep down that some friendships have a shelf life, do we not acknowledge it, change it or question it at the time? These could be work friendships, church friendships, club or gym membership friendships, community or school friendships, mother’s group friendships or any number of other circumstances whereby our friendships with these people, however close, rely on the commonality of meeting at a certain time for a certain purpose and don’t allow for much change.

I follow a wonderful friendship writer called Shasta Nelson from www.girlfriendcircles.com and she recently released a blog/video about this concept. You can view it here. While this post is specifically aimed at mothers, she has some extremely valid points about what she coins as the 5 circles of friendship.

Shasta explains her classifications of friendships. Circle 1, on the left is for acquaintances. People who you are friendly with and may describe as a friend, but with whom you don’t share much personal information or spend much time. Circle 2 is where I imagine my friend’s workplace friends belong. People in this circle meet regularly for specific reasons and we can fall victim to assuming that this, combined with the sharing that happens when we meet make us good or close friends. Certainly we value these relationships. However we fail to acknowledge that when the common thing such as the employment ends, so too will the friendships. Circle 3 is for people with whom you are too intimate to ever be casual, but there is not enough consistency for you to really be close either. Circle 4 is for people you are expanding. This is important, because this is what you do with circle 2 people if they are important enough for you to acknowledge the shelf life before the expiry date and change it.  This is when you expand the people from circle 2 into your life. You start to make connections and associations with one another outside of the commonality that brought you together. If done correctly some of these people may move into circle 5 for your best and closest friends. These are the people who practice the most consistency and vulnerability which leads to her ultimate goal of Frientimacy. (This is the title of her book, which I highly recommend!)  The book has this simple but amazing formula that consistent time and vulnerable sharing and commitment to that continuation is the secret to friendship. Really simple when you think about it! Wow.

Anyway, I digress. Shasta also mentions in the above mentioned video that it is healthy to have friendships in all the circles and some that stay there, but that we also need to be mindful of our expectations of each group. We cannot expect friends from group 2 to value and know us the way friends in group 5 do, nor can we expect friends in group 5 to relate to us on the things we share with group 2.  If we don’t keep these expectations in check, we may find ourselves feeling disconnected from everyone which she outlines is extremely bad for our health and wellbeing.

If you can relate to this and find yourself wondering if your friends are actually your friends and if the friendships have a shelf life, perhaps it is time to start expanding and practicing your friendships in a different context before it is too late!

Good Luck.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

An Open Letter to my New Friendships

As this newest chapter in my life rolls around, filled with more self-awareness than ever before, I am excited to embark on new friendships.  These may be new friendships with wonderful new people or newer more healthy friendships with existing friends.

New friendships; I am excited by the possibilities you hold, and all I hope you will be in contrast to my older more negative patterns of relating to others in the name of friendship.  Where old friendships were unbalanced and heavy, you will be balanced. You will have equal parts fun and enjoyment as you provide support and empathy. 

Where I failed to exist, to express my needs and to ask for reciprocation; you, new friendships, will not exist without said reciprocation. I will show up to new friendships freely, and share of myself and my life in equal parts that I listen and share in the lives of the others in these new friendships.

Where I was frightened of abandonment in the past, I will no longer be operating under that undercurrent of fear. People will be welcome in my life and free to leave without judgement or explanation if they so choose, as I embrace the natural ebb and flow of closeness and embrace the freedom that comes when people do leave. I may also choose to leave, for friendships are optional not obligational. (Oh how I love making up words to suit myself! Haha) 

Where in the past I was the sole planner, in the future I will allow others the space, and time to make plans with me too. I will be confident that if they want to spend time with me they will. If they don't I will enjoy the silence and the time spent in my own company. 

Speaking of time, I will expect some consistent time and attention to new friendships, regardless of the other party's situation. Maybe you are single, or married, or divorced, or poly, or a single parent, or pregnant, or moving further away, or working full time, part time, or casual, or retired, or not working, or a stay at home parent...Maybe you’re even a  purple monkey with pink polka dots, lol. I will be supportive with all of that and any changes along the way as long as you still make time for our friendship; the good times and the bad, and make an effort to keep in touch.

We both will!

I am so relieved when I think of the balance you will offer and how all the effort wont have to come from me. I am excited about how welcoming you will be, and how I wont have to second guess all our interactions and overthink them because we trust each other to say what we mean and mean what we say.

Of course, that trust will take time to develop, as will you, new friendship, because that is the natural order of things. I look forward to exploring each other and unfolding and finding areas where we match and areas where we differ. I look forward to being slowly more vulnerable and less perfect and trusting in your positive intentions towards me as you earn that trust. I imagine you opening up slowly too. We will be drawn together for our strengths and not because of our weaknesses or state of crisis.

When one of us is in crisis, I look forward to the moments of support, but also the unwaivering empowerment that comes with believing in one another and reassuring each other that we can handle these things on our own; although we will never be alone!

Empowerment. So much I look forward to about that. About not competing or comparing, but cheering each other on, as though her success is my own and vice versa. Together we succeed. We never fail, we just keep trying.

Of course things wont always be rosy and I look forward to the freedom to be wrong and the ability to apologise and forgive and grow from things together. We will learn from our mistakes and then work to correct them and hear the other person even when it hurts… as the truth often does. You will be just as self–aware and open to self-reflection as I have become.

I am excited to like each other for who we are. Because we will both know who we are. While I do hope I will see a positive reflection of myself in your eyes, and yourself in mine, that reflection will be earned and based on similar interests, values, trust, love and understanding. The reflections will show us as beautifully imperfect as we both know we are. 

Your consistency will be appreciated as will your honest compliments and love which I will embrace and not deflect.

Our open and honest communication will be loving and supportive and non-judgmental. It will be genuine. It will be light even in the heavy moments as both of us have a handle on our own insecurities, self-esteem and self-worth. We enjoy supporting each other and hearing one another.

The thing that excites me most, what I am trying to say is; that we will like each other! We will want our friendship, but neither one of us will need it! We will not depend on it, or one another. The beauty found in you new friendships, lies in the choice. The choice to enjoy and embrace this friendship for no other reason than that it brings us both joy, and if that stops, so do we. And that is ok! There will be other new friendships to embrace along the way, because, well, life happens. 


❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

An Open Letter to My Old Friendships (not the friends themselves per se)

PLEASE NOTE: This is a letter to many of my past friendships. Not to the friends themselves per se, and definitely not to any one of them in particular, but more so the dynamic at play in the relationships between us.

Dear Old Friendships,

When I think of all of you and let the memories of you pass through my conscious mind it always leads to a heavy feeling.

First I think of the patterns you all seemed to share. The ways in which you were always heavily one sided, with me as a listener while you were in crisis… which was basically always. With me as a giver and you as a taker. With me as a planner and you as a flake. With me feeling grateful if you turned up to plans and you being generally annoyed I bothered to even make any. With that overall feeling that you only liked me for the reflection of yourself that you saw in our friendship. That if, for even one moment, you felt I was not devoted to you and placing you on a pedestal, it was proof you were right and I had secretly hated you or had an ulterior motive all along. 

I remember the burdens of carrying your self esteem on my shoulders. Building you up no matter how many times someone else tore you down. Catching you no matter how many times you fell and even catching you on the times you willingly jumped. Being your safety net. Your back up plan. Being your designated driver of life, and also chauffer. Being the grounded one. Being your rock. Until you couldn't stand being grounded anymore and wanted nothing more than to be free. Until you resented me. 

I remember the toxicity of your back handed compliments and the ways you would give me just enough hope to keep me there and just enough distance to provoke my insecurity - to be certain I always kept trying just that little bit harder. So you could feel comfortable that I would always be there if you needed me, even though you wouldn’t always want me there.

I remember the sense of wondering if you would leave me when you met that special someone and if you would accuse me of being jealous and in love with you if I were sad that you abandoned the friendship when you did. Because it was perfectly reasonable in your mind to stop making time for people when your partner was available. I remember the anger you felt at me for even requesting you spend time with me if your partner was available to you and the way you hurt me by rushing back to them as soon as possible if I dared to have an occasion or something when they were around.

I remember the way you would lash out at me if I pointed out your truths or inconsistencies or held you accountable in any way. If the reflection you saw of yourself in our friendship was anything less than perfect then often the friendship was over.

I remember always forgiving and trying not to have needs for fear that if I did you would refuse to meet them and I would have to question your character or the image of yourself that we both protected but was mostly untrue. I remember being pretty close to perfect myself. Also an untrue image. So I guess it is fair to say that I also held tight to the reflection of myself I saw in our friendships that I was also protecting. It was through your friendships that I could be perfect, but we both came down hard on me for any failings. Real or imagined.

I remember the ways in which I always seemed to be apologizing and you always seemed to be asking me for something. I remember failing the little tests you set for me that I didn’t even realise you were setting. I remember feeling you set me up to fail while my expectations were so low I set you up to succeed.

I remember it being unhealthy for us both. I remember rushing and not making you earn my love or devotion. You didn’t make me earn your trust. In hindsight I probably never trusted you and you were certainly never devoted to me. It was safer that way. I loved you so you would love me and you loved me because I loved you. It was a warm illusion.

 I remember being so eager to give to someone that I attracted people who were eager to take. I remember not knowing how to receive anything positive. Deflecting compliments, running from affection and being uncomfortable with anyone who did seem to genuinely like me. I was untrusting. I didn’t like me, why would you? 

I remember us liking one another for who we were to each other; not for who we were as individuals. I don’t think we knew who we were. Neither of us. We liked who we were in each other’s eyes.

But it was never going to be enough. It was never going to last. We were drawn together because we were both unhealthy. Incomplete. We both lacked boundaries, self awareness and self esteem. Eventually the illusions and reflections would shatter and it would end. They were fragile. They were near impossible to repair, because you can't unsee a truth, which is why we worked so hard to see and believe only the best in each other for so long. 

I remember the endings. The poisonous words or the torturous silence. I remember the pain, and the loneliness and the desperation to find someone, anyone, to love when it was all over. So that they would love me.

And I remember the cycle starting again. And again. And again. And again.

But I don’t have to feel heavy anymore because I have learned. Stay tuned for my letter to new friendships and all I hope they will be. All I will make them.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

An Open Letter to My Younger Self;

Dear Me, (or should that be dear you? Dear us?... anyway... lol)

Greetings Earthling! How goes it with you? (I used to always start letters this way as a teenager! You know, back then when we had to write an actual letter in class, like on paper and hand it to a friend during the break folded in a groovy way. I'm soo old. When did this happen?!! What I mean, young people, if you can imagine this, is that this was before texting. Before mobile phones at all really. Wow. haha)

I wish you knew the things then that I know now, but you can’t possibly know them. I know how uncertain, alone, different, unpopular, ugly and insecure you feel. I have been you, remember. I know the only time you feel really alive, seen, like you exist and like you matter to someone is when you are with your friends. I know how much you want them to like you, how much of your time you want to spend with them and how much happiness they bring to your heart just by being there.

I remember how much you wanted to please them, impress them and even for some, to kiss and caress them! Lol I know all your secrets. I know your fears, your anxieties and your passions. I know how much of your identity was still unspoken, undiscovered and misunderstood. I can still feel your angst as I think of you.

I know how much of yourself you gave to your friends, and how little you felt you received in return. I remember you trying to be all things to all people as far as they would allow you. I can recall how hard you tried with new friends and how much you struggled to make them, and then to keep them. The pain you felt when they ended inexplicably despite your best efforts to show them whatever it was that they wanted to see is etched into my memory.

I know how invisible and worthless and sorry you feel when someone is ignoring you and not speaking to you, and how secretly betrayed you feel when the rest of your friends don't take your side and defend you in some way. I know you longed for peace and were always disappointed in yourself that someone would take issue with you when you tried so hard to be inoffensive and agreeable. I remember you almost trying not to exist! Isn't that ironic! Lol

I remember how much effort you put in to everyone. You remembered birthdays and made a fuss, you always remembered the details and remembered to follow up with friends about how scheduled events had gone. You always remembered to call before important events to wish someone luck. You were always as selfless as a selfish teenager could muster.

Even though it landed you in hot water many times, you almost never said no to requests for time, money, things, places or events. You always wanted to find a way to do whatever someone asked of you. You were frightened that if you said no, someone wouldn’t like you and they would leave you.

The thing is, some of them, many of them, almost all of them in fact will leave you as the years go on. They wont remember all the things that you did do, or the positive words and efforts of love and affection. Some of them will even actively dislike you. There will be periods in your life where you feel so alone as though you have not a single friend in the world. And this will pain you every bit as much as an adult as it does now. But you will learn something along the way. Something I wish you could know now, without all the painful lessons.

When people move away from you, it is about themselves, their lives, their circumstances, their values, their feelings, wants and needs. It is NEVER a reflection of yourself, your worth, your behaviours, anything you did or did not do, or anything you said or did not say, or anything you should try and change. In all your efforts to be someone who everyone else likes you neglect to be who you actually are. You neglect to like yourself. Many of the times you have said yes to someone else you have said no to yourself. In all the effort you put into knowing all about your friends; their hobbies, loves, fears, dreams and interests you neglect to know your own. You are a blank canvas. You are waiting for someone to discover you. To know you. To really see you and to understand you. 

Rest assured those wonderful people who do see you, like really "see you, know you and understand you" are coming into your life, and some of them will even stay, but what is more important is not that they know and like you but that you know and like yourself. Paint something on your canvas so they can see you and not just a reflection of themselves. You were never very good at spending time alone. Your mother reminds you of this often. You always needed a friend around to fill that inner silence.

Embrace the silence. Just sit with it. Let it resonate and see what happens. I know you are uncomfortable with it, but that is how you learn and grow. As soon as you become comfortable with the silence, space between you and others won’t seem so threatening. As soon as you become who you are, people will like you for who you are and not only for what you offer them. You have a unique ability to see people and make them feel special, but don’t forget yourself. You are worth it. You cannot love anyone fully and genuinely until you love yourself. You are special. 

You spent so much time focused on the things that you were not, and your perceived failings that I want to remind you of all the things that you are. You are beautiful, funny, kind, insightful, wise, honest, reliable, and true. You are creative and passionate and generous and unique and warm and understanding and open minded. You can do many of the things you think you can’t and you will do many things that you think you won’t. Be proud of all these things. Stop apologizing for your feelings, failures and fears. You will make horrible mistakes. Don’t let them define you. These are lessons and nobody expects you to be perfect, they only ask that you be as good as you can be.

You don’t want to say I love you only to hear it back, because if you live your life this way you will be constantly disappointed in the lack of love from others. Say I love you because you do love someone, and love yourself enough that it doesn’t matter if they love you back. Spend time with people who show love; you’ll recognize them instantly. Walk away from those who don’t. You don’t need to earn it. If they don’t love you pretty much straight away, they never will. You have a lot of love to give; give it freely but wisely. Know your limits.

Unfortunately your friendship struggles will stay with you all your life. The people who come and go from your life all have something to teach you. None of them are better or worse than you. None of them are bad people or out to hurt you. Of course they will. Forgive them. Sadly you will hurt many of them too. Forgive yourself.  The best friend you have in this world is yourself. Be kind. Look in the mirror and smile. Allow yourself to feel pretty. When you win an award be proud, not embarrassed. When you want to try something, just try. Not trying is the only way to really fail. Laugh at yourself. You are not as great nor as awful as you imagine. Smile. Shine. Speak up. Say No just because you want to. Stop justifying yourself. Forget what everyone wants you to be, and just be who you are. It is ok. You made a difference to more lives than you realise. People are watching you. You are stronger than you think.

Friendships end. That is ok. You don’t end with them. I promise! Friendships fail, not the people involved. If I could leave you with just one thing it would be this “Everything works out alright in the end. If it is not alright then it is not the end.” You've got this. You can’t imagine this now, but you will be happy, loved, liked and never alone! You will be just fine. I am here for you. I am rooting for you. I wont let you down. I love you. And you will learn to love yourself too. The power is with you. It always was.

❤ Love,
Your Future Self.
xx

PS I don’t want to give too much away, as there are so many things for you to discover about yourself, but let me just give you one tip : You ARE a cat person. In more ways than one. ;0 lol Embrace it. Stop fighting and denying it! 

P.P.S For old times sakes – I like writing P.S.  (Those of you who were your younger selves on this journey with me will understand this, and I am grateful you are still here reading my letters!)

Mumma

My friendship with my mother:

I remember as a young girl all I wanted was to feel as though my mother liked me. It is a running joke in our family that I couldn’t handle stories about times before I was born and I always resented that my older brother and my mother seemed to share a sense of humour that I just didn’t grasp.

I remember confronting my mother saying “You don’t love me, you only love him,” and her rationalising and justifying the things they had in common that I was too young to understand. It felt like I wasn’t the one who misunderstood. It felt like she was denying my reality and telling me I couldn’t trust my intuition that told me I was excluded. Of course my brother probably had similar feelings of resentment regarding my relationship with my father; being daddy’s little girl and all that. But he can write his own blog! Lol

I know now, what I was trying to say to my mother was “I don’t feel like you like me.” I suppose saying that felt much scarier because there was a chance she would say she didn’t and how could my little heart handle such a thing?! So instead I said “You don’t love me as much as you love him.” I knew she would at least reassure me of her love and I needed to feel included. But it was all happening in the right order after all. I see that now. 

Now that I am a mother myself of course, I realise how annoying my constant chatter and need for attention was, and how I was not deliberately excluded or overlooked, but that there was life outside of me that my mother had to attend to?! Gasp! Lol Mothers make the world go round in most families and mine was no different. Oh how I am sure she loved to feel she was letting me down. Not!  Mother's guilt. Ugh. Of course; children don’t stay little forever and I remember as I grew into puberty, my mother making attempts to talk to me and connect. Particularly when I was starting to have major friendship issues. (Which clearly I have never resolved! Perhaps I should have listened! haha)

By that time it became apparent that suddenly she wanted to be my friend. And instead of being grateful; I was resentful?! I thought to myself "You don’t get to ignore me until my brother meets a girl and moves out, then suddenly try and be my best friend because I am all you have left! Where were you when I needed a friend?"  So this attitude, combined with general teenage angst and my budding sexuality issues; of which I knew she would not understand nor approve, I actively and angrily denied her any friendship. Delightful child I was. Cringe. She made it clear she was my mother and she loved me, but drew a line in the sand there, I felt when I was a child. I was not going to let her cross that line in the sand easily.

I see in media and things now that it is cool to love your mum these days, and it is a trend I hope continues, however in my day it was cool to hate your mum, so I would do what I could to look for the negatives and focus on those. In reality I was lucky to have such a kind, warm and funny mother, who was seeking my friendship. If only I had the maturity at the time to realise it.

I remember when I was 16, as my maturity was growing, for Mother’s Day I played her the song “Mama” by the ‘Spice Girls.’ I knew what a friendship with me would mean for her and I attempted to give it to her for Mother's Day that year. Of course I was 16 and my friendship was fickle. The sentiment was there but I didn’t understand that the true meaning was lacking as I went back to hating her by the next day! Lol Sorry Mum.

As I continued to grow into adulthood our relationship slowly strengthened, although it was definitely tested! I am not proud of it but I can honestly say it wasn’t until I got pregnant with my son that I was finally able to embrace and value my mother’s unwavering support and friendship. I found her speaking to me like an adult; like a friend, and for the first time I was able to answer her like one and let her in. I admit I didn’t feel like I had much other choice and perhaps it was a friendship of necessity at the time being that my son’s biological father was not going to be supportive or in any way the father I had hoped to give my child; a father at all in fact.

My mother was the one at the birthing class with me and the one with me as I brought my beautiful baby into this world. I cannot describe the amount of love in that room at that moment. The emotions she felt, so strong. Proud of her daughter for giving birth and so much love for her grandson. Worried and protective of us both and excited. Wanting to be there and just do whatever she could for us both. The message was clear “I love you and I will never leave you to do this on your own if you need me.”

And in those first few months, maybe even years; need her I did! So we started spending much more time together. And as we did, something magical happened. We became friends. We liked our time together. As a parent myself I could finally understand all that she had done for me, all that she had given up. "So now I see through your eyes...." - Spice Girls ) Everything I resented her for -  she did for us out of love! And she is the only friend I will ever have who will always be there, no matter what. I haven’t always deserved it, but she has no idea how much I appreciate it. I am proud to call my mother my friend. Our relationship is far from perfect but at least we try and understand each other now.

My mother never really knew why I started calling her Mumma oneday. And now she knows, it is in reference to the song I tried to dedicate to you years ago, when I was too young to really understand and you were too busy to really listen. Sure, I spelled it wrong, which probably annoys you, lol,  but the sentiment is there!

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma! This post is for you. Thank you for the years of friendship you have offered me even when I didn’t want it or deserve it. I am sorry for all the years I hurt you and failed to understand. I am sorry for not trying harder to see you as a person; a woman, not just my mother. I am sorry for having impossibly high expectations of you and ridiculously low standards for myself in terms of our relationship.  I am so grateful we made it here. I hope I can have as strong a relationships with my own children as you do with yours. You have shown me the strength I will need to get through those teen years, and I hope you are there to support me through them. I will need you! Always. I will need you, but more than that I will always want you in my life.

 I love you. But this post is more than that. This post is “I like you.”  
 

“Back then I didn't know why, why you were misunderstood, 
So now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love, 
Mama I love you, Mama I care, 
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, 
My friend
But now I'm sure I know why, why you were misunderstood, 
So now I see through your eyes, all I can give you is love, 
Mama I love you, Mama I care, 
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, 
My friend- Spice Girls”

Thank you for the support you always offer, even for this blog. I rededicate the song to you – this time with the meaning attached. Listen to it often. I do. Cry. I do. It’s beautiful – just like you. You have always been beautiful to me. Always xx

❤ Love from Missy

Your Best Friend Forever (Notice I removed the (N)ever. Only for you!)
xx
 

Fri-END-ings

I have always thought it was ironic that we hold onto this idea that a friendship will last forever, even with little to no time, effort or contact involved, while the term friend indeed includes the word end!

We have established by now that friendships do end and it is painful when they do. Sometimes they quietly fade away, sometimes someone asks for space and sometimes one person gets “busy” and basically ghosts the other. Sometimes you fight, and stop speaking… but very seldom do you sit down and officially break up with a friend.

I have started to wonder if that is why it is so painful when a friendship ends. While a break up conversation is awkward and confronting, it leaves no real questions or ambiguity over the status, or how you should behave. No; you shouldn’t text her, or wave to her, or attempt casual conversation… because you have ended things.

Like all break ups, it might be forever or it might rekindle one day but the sentiment is clear; one of you, or maybe even both of you, don’t like each other (or at least your dynamic together) anymore and no longer wish to waste time on the friendship.

Thinking about this in terms of my own experiences takes me back to my teenage years.  I think I was 13 the first time I broke up with a friend. We had been pretty tight throughout primary school, but as we had grown she had developed a nasty habit of telling lies which bothered me, and was a bit of a taddle tale. She was the target of bullies in school and I was basically her only friend. I was also unpopular by association, however, I don’t think I would have been popular by any means either way.

By the time we reached high school we formed friends with a few other girls who I guess also didn’t find somewhere else to belong. Lol. I was able to blend into the background somewhat but the taunting and teasing followed my friend… and soon started flowing over onto our new “group.” I remember them sitting me down one day and saying they wanted her out of the group, and as I had brought her there it was my job to get rid of her.

Lesson Learned!

Clear as day I remember the conversation that followed in my bathroom that same day after school; wherein I declared that I no longer wanted to be her friend and she could not sit with us at lunch anymore…. I remember her crying and asking why and being fairly cold as I told her I was sorry but I had nothing else to say. I remember going to my bedroom and closing the door and hearing her cry in the bathroom until she left without saying goodbye.

At the time (before mobile phones) I just wanted my new friends to know I had completed the task and was actually excited to go to school the next day! Awful right? Cringe! My now, ex-friend was not there. When she did come back, she sat alone and although it didn’t pain me to see her, I did feel guilty enough to go out of my way to avoid her. About a month later her dad phoned me to ask what had happened and if we could patch things up and I remember denying that we had any real issues but that I just had made some new friends. A few months after that she dropped out of school and got a job at the local takeaway.

Years later when I heard she had become a single mother at a young age, I was anguished with guilt as I realized how terribly I had broken her heart and affected the course of her life by breaking up with her. I was determined to get in touch with her and be the good friend I should have been…. Even if it was too little too late. Of course my motivations were wrong – I wasn’t trying to help her so much as clear my conscience…. And after it seemed she had forgiven me and didn’t blame me, I really no longer felt the need to be her savior after all. We drifted apart again although on much less painful terms.

Fast forward many years on; perhaps as Karma works her magic, I consider all the times a friendship has ended on more unclear territory and I start to identify that part of the problem is the vagueness surrounding the breakups. Yes they happen, but nobody really tells you directly....You have to be tortured by exclusion and emotional withdrawal (that you can sense, but that they deny) until you finally figure it out, give up and stop trying.

While I carried around guilt about this break up for years and years…. Maybe I actually handled it the better way? Can I really hold myself responsible for her life after me? While it was peer pressure that was essentially the catalyst, it was actually something I think I wanted to do. When we spent time together later in life it appeared her tendency for stretching the truth, blaming other people and playing the victim hadn’t changed all that much and I am not really sorry that she is no longer in my life.

In more recent times, when a friend broke up with me, directly, I appreciated the frank discussion. Although it did hurt like hell; in comparison to the slow fade out that many other friends have instigated over the years – at least it was clear. I knew where we stood. We were no longer friends and I needed to move on. In theory it is easier when there is a clear ending, and indeed I did move on, although we actually reconciled not that long ago.  Which proves it may be the better option – and it isn’t always as permanent as it feels. Plus if you decide to reconcile you can have a clear discussion about what happened and how you can try and be better for one another this time around instead of guessing and making the same mistakes over again.

What is your opinion on “Ending a Friending?” Is it better just to be busy and fade away slowly; therefore keeping your options open for the future and avoiding both an ugly painful confrontation; or have the conversation and be done with it?

Please share your thoughts on this!

❤ Love
Your BFFN
xx

 

Can we really “emotionally enable” our friends?

An interesting concept has crept up for me lately, is trying to identify the fine line between being a supportive friend who empowers her friends and someone who “emotionally enables” a friends poor choices for herself and her life.

Once upon a time I had a friend who had an abusive partner. Countless times I was there for her as they broke up; and again when they got back together. I moved her in and out of his home at least 4 times. By that, I mean that with a moment’s notice, I was at her doorstep literally packing boxes and putting them in my car. I let her stay in my house with next to no notice at least 2 of those times. I was as supportive a friend as I can be; with tissues and rom-coms and alcohol and ice cream and pizza at the ready nights on end. But no matter what I did (and no matter what he did for that matter!) she always went back to him. She loved him.

At some point I started to grow weary of listening to her endless list of complaints against him while she did nothing to change it. They basically had the same fight over and over again. Not about the same things but you know what I mean?! The last time I moved her out of his place I said to her “every time you go back to him he hurts you. Every time he hurts you he is also hurting me and I wont do this anymore. Stop letting him hurt us both. If you go back to him this time you go without me.”  (Aka: The Ultimatum! Never a good plan. Never! I had so much to learn!)

You can guess what she did right? Yep. Not only did she go back to him, she agreed to move overseas with him too?! As you do! Lol She quit her job and sold their place at a loss I believe (which she bought with him after the 2nd time she moved out I think) and packed her things and they booked plane tickets?!! They probably did other important things too; like arrange passports, visa’s, accommodation etc… but you get the dramatic effect I am going for here. Lol Anyway. A week, maybe less than a week before they were due to depart he left her for someone else. No joke. HE. LEFT. HER! (Thank goodness he did, but honestly she deserved the satisfaction of knowing she finally made the right choice for herself…. Except let’s be honest, she didn’t feel it was right. Not back then anyway. We have no way of knowing if she EVER would have left him of her own accord although I like to hope she would have.)

I wasn’t around at the time all of this happened, because I felt that being there had somehow “emotionally enabled” her to keep making bad choices with her life – knowing I would be there to catch her. So I wasn’t. I left her life. And she was ok. She never did get back with him! (Although her next relationship wasn’t really any less dramatic. She also had much to learn!) I heard about this through mutual friends and I was torn, but I decided to reach out, being that he had left the country. (Either with someone else or to be with someone else – I’m not too sure of the exact specifics. It doesn’t matter. Point was, he was finally gone!)

She allowed me back into her life and I expressed how I had missed her. I thought, however misguidedly, that she would reciprocate the sentiment and say how right I was about him, and how crazy she had been to choose him over me (platonically) never mind what a huge bullet she dodged by not moving overseas with him. So you can imagine my shock when she was so ANGRY with me.  From her perspective I had abandoned her in her time of need. I was not a good supportive friend, and leaving her had only isolated her further and made it easier for him to hurt her.

Although my intentions were pure, and came from a good place, my delivery was wrong. I can now see her point, hindsight is useless like that hey? Sigh. Essentially in a bid to stop “emotionally enabling” her I had cut off her support network and cut off my own nose to spite my face! I lost a friend, (she eventually left my life permanently for unrelated reasons… on the surface anyway) and she lost a valuable life support. Maybe I was no smarter than her in my emotional life choices after all?  I told her I was sorry about 1000 times but it was never enough. She never forgave me in the end, not really I don’t think.
 

To be honest I didn’t think she would choose him. We were like sisters. I guess she never thought she would have to choose and essentially a woman will always follow her heart. I know that now. I was using emotional separation from me (some would say an equally abusive tactic) to try and control her into not going back to him. I was done trying to influence her choices with my words, listening, support, food and friendship and instead trying to force her to lead her life my way?! Cringe.

Honestly I only wanted what was best for her, but I couldn’t see or understand this was her own journey, her own lesson and her own life and the only way for her to get over this was through it – on her own. Maybe because we were like sisters; instead of like friends; I had lost the ability to stand back objectively and be LESS INVESTED. Which is exactly what she needed. Funny, isn’t it, how sometimes the answer is to care less, not more? In my post Friends are not the family you choose for yourself; I discuss this in more detail – that one of the benefits of friendships is that they can offer you a less invested and less judgmental support than family for the exact reason that they are friends NOT family. I failed her here. I know that now.

I thought I was “emotionally enabling” her to go back to him time and time again, but the truth is – she was going to do that anyway. I could not enable her! I could not force her or influence her for that matter. My support, and my logic, was flawed from the beginning! It never had anything to do with me and I had no place trying to involve myself and get into a position of power to manipulate what I thought was the best outcome for her! My opinion about her choices was irrelevant. And unnecessary. She asked for my help not my advice and certainly not my opinion! I was yet to learn the difference.

What she needed from me, was empowerment. She needed me to remind her of all the beauty and wonder that she was. To remind her how strong and capable she was and to trust in her intuition and know no matter if she made mistakes that she was capable of dealing with the fall out. That I believed in her and when she was ready to make the choices or changes she needed to make for herself I would be right there celebrating or commiserating with her. That we all make mistakes and it is ok. That I would always be there for her no matter what and nobody would ever isolate her from me. And when it came to her partners I would listen and validate her opinion, even as it changed dramatically in the course of minutes! Lol

I know in my own life, if my friends disapprove of what I am doing, I have a tendency to pull away and just stop telling them things. Which isn’t very conducive to friendship, but then again neither is disapproval… because it’s opposite is approval. We shouldn’t seek approval from our friends, we should seek acceptance. The concepts are quite different if you think about it. More I was yet to learn! All things I hope you will ponder for your own lives and friendships after you read this. Learn from my mistakes!!

So in answer to my question “Can we really "emotionally enable" our friends?” I think the answer is no. We can’t live their life for them and we shouldn’t try. Focus on your own life and empower your friends to live theirs in whatever way they need to, knowing you will always be there, not judging, criticising them or waiting to say ‘I told you so’ or threatening to leave, (they have parents for that!) but empowering them and feeling what they feel (with them,) not for them. By loving them a little bit less in these circumstances, you are loving them a little bit more. Life is funny like that with all it’s contradictions isn’t it?

What are your thoughts on this? I’d love to hear your experiences.

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Bullying by exclusion

Relational aggression is the most common among girls and women in terms of anger and expression of negative emotion. What it boils down to is that when a woman is upset with you she will not necessarily tell you – she will punish you with various forms of withdrawal.

It may be as simple as waiting a few hours before returning your message, or it may be as extreme as walking out of your life forever; possibly without ever giving you the chance to ever really understand what happened or why.

Commonly within female friendships there is a range of tactics used that fall under the relational aggression umbrella. While a woman may remain sweet to your face, she may be quietly poisoning your other relationships by talking to your other friends about you in a negative context, or sharing your secrets with them behind your back.

Alternatively she may start being extra sweet to you – keeping her enemies close, and be working to sabotage you in ways you can’t even imagine, from telling you something is fat free when she knows damned well it isn’t, to lying directly to your face while she sleeps with your partner.

The most common form of relational aggression is bullying by exclusion. One of the hardest things about this type of bullying is that the excluded party can feel it, yet it can be difficult to prove. In an older post about group friendships I have spoken about a time when my friends all arranged a girls weekend without me and then accidentally emailed me about it.  I have trouble thinking about that moment even now and the feelings of hurt and anger and confusion that swept over me all at once. Of course I pretended to be cool with it – they were allowed to be friends with each other without me, right? Except I wasn’t cool with it.

It Literally hurts!

I wondered what I had done wrong that they wouldn’t invite me, and if they had decided to not invite me on purpose or just forgotten me. Not that one was better than the other. If I was really their friend I felt neither would be true. Of course I allowed myself to indulge in some pretty negative thought spirals where they all sat around agreeing to conspire against me, how they would keep it from me, and the lies they would tell me, or not tell me at all. I imagined them all discussing all the ways I would ruin the trip if I went along and basically laughing at my expense about what a loser I am and how they didn’t like me anymore and were better off without me. I felt excluded. I didn’t express it at the time, but I felt bullied.

Bullying by exclusion is real, but yet I felt I couldn’t express it. If I did they would minimise it and call me petty and jealous and tell me that they were allowed to have friendships with one another and that I didn’t own them. And they would have been right too. I told myself it was the secret nature of the event that bothered me, but really; had they sat me down and explained they were going without me I still would have felt excluded and sad. The fact that they didn’t directly tell me though, plays into it – they knew what they were doing was going to hurt me, and they knew they were going to do it anyway. This was my problem not theirs. Relational aggression is indirect in nature, because then we don’t have to hold ourselves accountable and it is harder for other people to hold us accountable.  I regret not saying “I feel bullied and I am questioning your loyalty and all of these friendships as a result. I expected more from you.”

And therein lies the problem. I expected to be invited and included on a trip I knew nothing about. Part of the reason relational aggression is so rampant is that the rules of friendship, female friendship especially, are so undefined. I had never sat with the group of women over wine and said “Ladies, if you are ever planning a girls weekend away together I expect to be invited.” Yet I was let down when the unspoken law was broken? Similarly my friend at the time had never said to me “If you or anyone in your family has a health scare or issue, I expect to be one of the first to know.” And similarly that did not stop her from being upset by her unmet and unspoken expectation.

Bullying by exclusion is real and isolating a person is permanently damaging to her sense of self-worth.

However, recently I have found myself in a situation whereby one friend may feel that my friendship with someone else is taking away from our friendship, or perhaps taking me away from her. Or possibly, the issue could be that she feels that my friendship with the other person involved is disrupting their friendship with each other. (Which once felt closer than it does now to my friend.) I find myself feeling guilty that while my friendship with someone grows closer, as a result of this another much loved friend feels hurt and further away from us both. I never intended for one friendship to take away from the other. I also question how much responsibility I can assume over the fact perhaps their relationship is not as close with each other as it was before?

If I am doing all I can to maintain both friendships, to ensure both people feel valued, heard and loved, is it not my friends' responsibility to do the same with each other? Just because I happen to be close with each of them, does that mean their friendship break down is my fault or my responsibility to fix it? If I try; will I be thanked for it or be scolded for meddling and speaking out of turn?

Unlike my younger self, my friend was able to express her hurt and jealousy directly and instead of justifying my reasons, I wanted to hear her and let her know regardless of what happens in her other friendships we are still solid. This is true even though I intend to maintain a friendship with both of them regardless of their relationship with each other. I did not want to minimise what is a very real issue. If she has said I am hurting her, rumour has it that I don't get to decide that I haven't or that what she feels is silly. It isn't. I value that she trusted me enough to express her emotions and gave me a chance to apologise and reassure her. 

All I know is that I don’t want to feel like I am participating in relational aggression. My question then becomes – Is it still bullying by exclusion if I continue to spend time with each of them exclusively; knowing that my friend feels deliberately left out when I am hanging out with our other friend alone?  My immediate solution is to arrange a group event, and make sure we keep making them in the future so everyone feels as important and liked as they are, and make sure I am spending as much time as I can with each of them, exclusively, whenever we both can. I have to surrender responsibility for how much time they spend together without me though.

Does that sound like a fair and reasonable solution to you?  Should we have a group meeting to discuss jealousy and expectation and how to manage it? What are your suggestions for managing jealousy in friend groups of 3 or more? I am seriously interested in your help ladies. Lol

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When they think you want to be more than friends, but you don’t.

Recently I wrote some posts about when you want to be more than friends and alternatively when your friend wants to be more than friends, to cover both the angles. That seemed pretty comprehensive, but on reflection there is actually this awkward third category “when they think you want to be more than friends…”

The “they” in this scenario can easily be the friend who insists that you have a crush on them even though you don’t, or it could refer to other friends and family who seem unable to comprehend, accept or trust that you are happy with a platonic connection with someone.

This is an awkward position to be in because the person in question is your friend. You don’t want to take anything away from them by stating that you don’t find them attractive, and this is even trickier if the accusation is coming from the friend themselves. Even if it isn’t, it is possible to remain friends with someone conventionally attractive and yet not want something romantic from them.

Perhaps that person has traits or qualities that you would not tolerate in a partner, however much you enjoy them as a friend. If you want to keep them as a friend you certainly don’t want to point these out or focus on them heavily when they don’t impact your friendship. The same is true if you don’t feel that you share the same core values or beliefs that would be important to you as a partner but are irrelevant as a friend.

Of course perhaps it is even more uncomfortable to be confronted with this situation when there really isn’t a reason. Maybe it is chemistry, or maybe it is circumstantial or maybe your timing with them has never been right. Whatever the reason, it is tricky to deny you have feelings for someone without hurting that person or taking away from your friendship.

If you find yourself in the awkward third category, my advice is say nothing! Anything you say or do can and will be used against you! If you protest or get defensive it only strengthens their case against you and if you smile or laugh you seem guilty as charged.  Redirect the conversation or simply say “I’ve never thought about it” and move on.

You don’t have to justify why you like someone or why you don’t, not to them and not to anybody else. Feelings don’t always make sense and trying to explain them is futile. Matter of fact, you can say that if you want! At the end of the day, does it really matter if people think you have a crush on someone even if you don’t? Maybe they need to believe that to feel better about themselves? It seems harmless. Unless they have a crush on you…. In which case refer back to the other 2 category posts! 

The important thing to remember is that nobody else gets to tell you how you feel. You know your truth, hold onto that and hold your head up high. Keep being true to yourself, conducting your friendships the way you feel comfortable and take it as a compliment that people think your friendship style is above and beyond! Go you!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend wants to be more than friends…

Ok, so my last post before Easter: When you want to be more than friends, was for those of us more on the unrequited and pining side of the story. This post is for those of you who may find yourself on the receiving end of such affections from a much loved but platonic buddy with whom you want to stay PLATONIC friends.

So, if I try to picture this scenario from the other perspective, I imagine it goes a little something like this: You have an amazing friend, maybe even a best friend, or probably at least a relatively close friend. You and said friend always enjoy your time together and tell each other lots of personal details. You support each other and celebrate each other and you’d never want to do anything to hurt them. You want nothing but the best for them and you are pretty confident they feel the same. You are so glad you met and grateful to call this person a friend. You can’t imagine a future without them in it. In extreme cases, your visions of growing old may include living next door to said person and double dating with their partner and your own, and venting to one another about said partners. It’s a dream scenario.

Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, said friend suggests you cut out the "middle men" and just get together yourselves. The 2 of you…. In a romantic relationship…. You try and let this suggestion sink in. For whatever reason, you just can’t imagine it, or frankly you just don’t want to. Lets be blunt and admit that you probably aren’t attracted to your friend. This might be true even if they are conventionally attractive to other people. You have just never thought of them that way, right? 

Well, let me tell you there is NO way to gently tell a person you are not attracted to them, and no great explanations as to why that will never change. Don’t go there. Please. Your friend has not come to the decision to confess lightly and they probably hold even the smallest hope that you feel similarly. Telling them you find them unattractive will damage their self-esteem and your friendship. This is still true even if you say “I am not attracted to you that way.” Remember when we talked about too much honesty? That is a good example.

It is a tricky situation, I know. In my own experiences with other women, I have been told “I am heterosexual, sorry.” That is a perfectly valid reason. Right? Yes, it is, however, in those circumstances it still points to the fact that I am not attractive to the object of desire, which can make it kinda hard to look at them in the eyes in future and not feel ugly. When your friend is already feeling naked and vulnerable, and an embarrassing rejection is upon them, it becomes your job to throw them a blanket while still making sure they feel comfortable.

It is also not recommended that you say things like “Our friendship is perfect the way it is and I don’t want to risk that for a romance which may break our friendship.” Again, that is a valid argument, and probably true. However your friend has obviously considered this and decided the risk was worth it for them. Saying this may imply that they care less for the friendship than you do. That’s not how they see it, I assure you.

Which brings me to my next point…. You may begin to question if this person ever was your friend or if they were playing along all the while with ulterior motives. You might even be angry and feel as though they are implying that you owe them in some way because they have been such a great friend. Be very careful before you accuse them of this. It may be true, however it is more likely that even if they had attractions to you from the beginning that they decided friendship with you was better than nothing at all. I know that makes it sound like your friendship is a crappy consolation prize… ouch. Of course you didn’t say they were ugly and they didn’t say you were a consolation prize, but both things can easily seem true if you let them. What you say and what someone hears can be totally different so the less you say the better.

The most likely scenario is that your friend really did like you as a friend until they realised somewhere along the line that they had started liking you more than that and decided to confess in one form or another. You were great friends up until this point based on trust for each of your positive intention towards the other, so do what you can to foster and protect this positive intention and trust. In this instance both of you need to think more about the other person than yourselves.

Right....All that is well and good – what not to say - but what should you say? Regardless of their method of delivery, I recommend being mature and direct, not whimsical, silent or misleading. I suggest saying something along the lines of “Thank you for telling me. While I do not reciprocate your feelings, I love that we always communicate so openly about everything and I do hope that will continue. This doesn’t change anything for me, and I trust you will handle your feelings in such a way that things will not change between us.”

It doesn't mislead them with hope by using terms like "right now" or "if things were different" or even "I wish..." It doesn't make light of their feelings. You are not explaining how you feel or do not feel, or why? Feelings cannot be explained and you can tell them this if they push for a reason. After that you have my permission to tell them you have nothing more to say on the matter and move on. It isn’t a negotiation. While you have undoubtedly hurt someone, don’t forget who handed you the weapon. You have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for.  Of course your friend may need some space or distance to get over his or her feelings for you or recover from the rejection and you have to respect that.

Continue contacting them as you normally would, however respect it if they take some time to bounce back. If the friendship is true it will recover with time and patience on both sides. Let your friend dictate if they feel comfortable hanging out or joking about the issue etc… And resist the urge to flirt with your friend to boost your ego or look for clues that they were flirting with you or checking you out. In order for the issue to resolve, both of you need to put it out of your minds, and continue moving forward with positive intention and trust in your friendship.

Good Luck

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is the healthiest Easter treat, and it’s sweet like chocolate too!

Easter time is traditionally celebrated with family, and regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, usually celebrated with some form of chocolate! You know what else is sweet like chocolate? Friendship, and it has less calories and more health benefits too!

Many of us fail to reach out to friends over this period assuming that everyone else is too busy with family for time with friends. I know so many people who go away for the weekend to make the most of this extended time off with their partner, children and even extended families. This makes sense. However, some professions like police, hospital staff, prison workers, fire and emergency services and many other industries soldier on as usual.

For my family, that means my husband works. While I will still see our extended family on Easter Sunday, that leaves me with 3 days to play with on my own. It would be easy for me to assume all my friends are busy with family, and not reach out, however it is just as easy to reach out and see who is available.

I would much rather spend this time enjoying social activities with my friends than cleaning the house out of boredom. (Ok those of you who know me I have never in my life been “that bored!” haha)

So don’t assume everyone is busy. ASK! Maybe your friend’s partner has to work, or maybe they don’t have a partner or any family around, or maybe they will be home but not planning anything particularly special. Don’t wait to be invited, plan something for yourself. Maybe host a group gathering one day or see a few friends individually over a few days?  
This is one of the few times of year when MOST people do get a break and a bit of extra time to play with. What better way to spend it than playing with your friends? You know what goes well with chocolate and friendship? Wine. True story. 

However you spend it, I hope your Easter and your friendships are sweet and filled with love and laughter.

Happy Easter

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx