Dealing with Demanding Friends.

Most of us have at least one friend who expects a little bit more than we can give. She usually describes herself as “sensitive”- meaning easily offended and let down when her expectations are not met. This not only pains you and makes you feel like a terrible friend, but it also exhausts you, trying to keep up with her demands, - all the while seemingly failing at every turn.

It can feel like this, when she is politely over giving or having a tantrum when she feels you are under giving. 

You know your friend is a good person. You know she probably holds these expectations because these are the kinds of things she would do for you. You know she doesn’t think she is demanding and she doesn’t think her expectations are unreasonable!

She might be the perfect friend. She might cook for you if you are sick, offer to watch your kids while you are away, loan you money, visit when you are in hospital and do many other things you are thankful for (but unable or unwilling) to offer in return. You question if you are selfish. She will always make time for you, and always prioritises you, and you feel awful when you are too busy or tired to do the same.

You’re not a bad friend or a terrible person. You are normal. So is your friend. You are just different. You know she is a good friend, and you want to keep her, but you don’t know how to stop letting her down, or how to be an equally good friend to her in return. So how do you navigate this?

Firstly, don’t accept more than you are willing to give. Examples include: Don’t ask her to babysit your kids all the time if you don’t have the time or desire to return the favour. Pay your own way and spend only what you can afford. Set financial limits on gift giving. If she cooks for you when you are sick, repay her by having her over or taking her out for dinner when you recover. Don’t borrow money from her if you wouldn’t or couldn't lend it to her if she needed it. Spend time with her as often as you would like instead of as often as she would like – but do make sure there is consistency in your commitment to spend time with her, and there are times you invite her for no other reason but to spend time with her.

Of course, it doesn’t need to be an eye for an eye either! One of the most important thing your demanding friend wants is acknowledgement. Sing her praises and she will purr like a kitten, I assure you. This alone, on a consistent basis may be enough. Of course, with your demanding friend, there will always be times that you didn’t meet her expectations. She will usually let you know this in no uncertain terms! She is “Sensitive” remember?! Lol Being angry at her for feeling hurt will not help the situation and you wont feel very good about yourself either if you respond in anger! In extreme cases, you may lose her. Only time would tell if that were such a bad thing, but I hope you don't want to lose her and feel you'd miss her. She would miss you!

When you let your friend down, and you will, make an action plan to help her feel better. Essentially her feelings are hurt because she doesn’t feel important to you, or that her level of friendship is reciprocated. In this instance, praise is needed, but words will not be enough. If you weren’t there for her when she needed you (for any reason) acknowledge it and apologise. No justifications, excuses or reasons. Instead of going over all the things you can’t do for her in your mind, and justifying them, spend time thinking about what you CAN do. Then do them. All your friend wants is to feel valuable to you. There are many ways to tell someone this, or even show them once, but consistency will be key.

If she doesn't doubt your intention or the next time you will see her, she'll know you enjoy her and wont have any reason to feel insecure. Emotional distance triggers these friends. 

The chances are high that your friend is insecure. She probably has low self esteem, internalizes many things as rejection that are not really about herself, and thinks she needs to be perfect to have friends – which is maybe why she does everything that she does. It may be a relief to her if you say no to some of her generous offers, and find ways to let her know she doesn’t need to be perfect. If she stops expecting herself to be perfect, maybe she will stop expecting you to be perfect too! If you can get her to feel secure, you may find her neediness disappears almost instantly. If not, encourage her to find other hobbies, and social outlets because sometimes neediness can stem from loneliness. You can’t fix that alone, but you can help by offering to join a book club with her (even if you don’t intend to stay joined) or encourage her to sign up to a class at her local gym (or whatever other interest she has that may lead to more social interactions.) Maybe you have a friend with similar circumstances who would be better suited to her? Introduce them!

Of course, insecurities and poor self-esteem, self-worth and loneliness may not be the only issues or reasons causing her to be quietly, (or not so quietly) demanding as the case may be! Sometimes our ability to be there for others is tied to our own lifestyles. Some people have more time to put in more effort, and their situation may allow them to prioritise friendships more than yours allows you to reciprocate. Neither of you may have consciously realised this. Perhaps if you were single with no kids you’d be more available, or if you didn’t have to work, or if your partner didn’t work away, or if he was more like her partner, or if you had a partner. Maybe if you could drive and lived closer, or earned the same amount of money, or didn’t work shifts….. You get my drift. All of these things will affect our ability to be the friend we want to be… in a perfect world.

Alas, the world is not perfect, so just focus on what you can do consistently, then put your money where your mouth is and do it!

Note: Sometimes your friend may be upset by an implication that you aren’t close friends, because you are too busy, because you didn’t turn to them in a time of need, because you didn’t seem upset by something she would find upsetting. Don’t get into the semantics of what happened or didn’t happen or why. You don’t have to be as close to her as she wants you to be, but if she is important to you, set about showing her that with words and actions. Don’t tell someone they are important to you and do nothing to support that with actions. Sometimes a gesture, however small, especially when met with consistency, understanding, empathy and kindness is all it takes. Maybe just remind yourself to ask her how she is at least once a week?

What are your ideas on small things we could do to help our friends feel secure, valued and important?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Who? Me? Would I ever be like this?....... hahaha sssssshhhh. Lol ;) 

GALentines (or PALentines) Day!

It’s that time of year again where love is in the air!! I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about Valnetines day, the shops are doing a pretty good job at reminding us all of that on their own.  A happy day for some, although usually only of vague enjoyment… except for the singletons, who may be feeling acutely aware of their single status and the exclusion they feel at not being invited to this particular party. That's where GALentines (or PALentines as the case may be,) comes to the rescue!!!

If you haven’t heard of the concept before, don’t worry I hadn’t either until the topic of friendships entered my consciousness enough to research it. I do know that Friendship day was this month too, but I like this concept better. Here’s a link to my last post about it last year if you are interested. “Happy GALentines Day”

The concept is similar to valentines, except it happens the day before on the 13th. Friendship is not bad luck afterall and we all need friends. So why not celebrate and include all your friends, single or not to join in the proverbial party. Being a weeknight, and keeping in mind many of your friends WILL still want to celebrate Valentines Day too, it might not be the best time to host a dinner party, and with so many of us working during the day, that might not be an option either.

The general gist of GALentines day is that you do something special for your friends – to let them know how important and special they are and how much you value them. Ideally, you could set up some time to spend together, if not on the day, some other time that suits. It is called GALentines day to celebrate females and their friendships with one another, but if you have male friends, or happen to be a male identifying person yourself even, we could also use PALentines – to be even more inclusive.

Character Leslie Knope (Played by Amy Poehler) from Parks and Recreation was the creator of this concept! 

See my post from last year for any ideas on how to celebrate this day with your friends. Personally I like to hand out 10 yellow roses. (The friendship rose) with a little foil wrapped heart attached to a handmade card and a special note inside thanking my friends for their friendship. I leave it on their front door. I take a picture of it so they know it was there and message it to them, which always prompts a conversation about when we can spend some time together, along with some loving words meaningfully exchanged.

Why do I send 10 roses if I only have 5 core friends I hear you ask? Well, obviously I thank my 5 core people. I also give one to my mother because she is my friend forever (Not ForNever!) My husband qualifies as a PALentine because our friendship is as important as any other and worth celebrating. Then I give one to an outer circle friend who I may hope to grow closer to, one to an acquaintance I am hoping to grow, or to someone who I think could use a little positivity, and one to a new friend whose friendship I am hoping to grow, wherever it ends up on the circles. If I buy a bunch of roses, you get 12. In which case I also give one to a childhood friend I’d like to reconnect with or thank for still being in my life, and one for myself, because I need to work on that friendship the most!!! You may even want to consider reaching out to someone you’d like to reconcile with after a period of time apart? (If you dare! Haha)

A sneak peek at my glittery bag of friendship love roses getting ready to go!! :D x

For those of you with less time for a little rose run, a picture, email, message, phone call or poem etc… works just as well. The point is to put conscious effort into your friends for one day, and make EVERYONE in our lives feel loved and special and celebrated.

Today is Friday the 9th of February, so you have the weekend to think about what you want to do and say, and until Tuesday for execution of your plans! Share this idea with as many people as you can, because the world could always use some more love, and that way, maybe your friends will also do something nice for you in return!

I don’t know if you have noticed this, but I usually publish my posts on a Friday. I have dubbed them Friendship Fridays! This serves as a weekly reminder for me every week to reach out to one of my friends and check in. If possible, I make plans to catch up with them, and if not I just let them know that I was thinking of them and I care. So far it has proved very successful, and if GALentines, PALentines or even Valentines is too contrived and commercial for you, I challenge you to try Friendship Friday’s instead! Or do both! I do. The idea is to make friendships a conscious priority and it is the sentiment that matters more than the date!

Are you up for the Friendship Friday’s challenge?

Sharing is caring people. Happy GALentines/PALentines to you all!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

If you're really stuck, time poor, or just a bit slack and unmotivated, that's ok.... use this image I prepared for you earlier?! ;) 

Dealing with Dominant Friends

Some of us are more naturaly dominant by nature, and some of us more naturally submissive. That’s not to say we are all into 50 Shades type scenarios, but all of us are along the scale somewhere. If you fall exactly in the middle, and all your friends do too, then you may not relate too well to this article. If however, you are in the majority, you have probably experienced a more dominant and demanding friend than you consider yourself to be. (If you can’t identify any dominant or demanding friends in your life, then it’s probably you! Lol)

Personally, I tend to fall on the more submissive side when it comes to friendships, and as such I am often drawn to more assertive types of friends. As a result, I have found it really important to have really clear and strong boundaries with some friends. For the most part, I am pretty easy going, and will do whatever keeps everyone happy, even if it wasn’t what I particularly wanted. However, with friends who like to insist on spending money, I set a clear limit of what I will spend and I am careful to basically never spend more than that with them.

With friends who struggle to take no for an answer, I have practiced just saying “No.” No apologies, or justifications, just no. And I will repeat that until I am heard. If I strongly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I used to say yes, then either resent the person for making me go, or I’d say yes initially then “call in sick” when the time came.

With friends I feel are using me, or more interested in the benefits of our friendship than the friendship itself, I start cutting back on the benefits, whatever they may be. You know the type of friend, never seems to want to have anything to do with you until they need something from you, then they’re your best friend… for five minutes anyway! Lol I practice not being as available to give these people whatever it is they are requesting from me and observe if the friendship is still valuable to them. Most times, the friendship issue resolves itself as the friendship dies out.

These friends can be pushy, without meaning to be, or even knowing that they are! They may struggle to hear an implied “no” that a more submissive person is trying to give. I used to say things that would imply that I wasn’t interested such as “Well, it’s going to be a very hot day, and there’s almost no shade there. I’d have to move a few things around to even be able to go, and I wouldn’t have much time if we did, how about so and so?” (Implying that they could take a different friend.) What I would be trying to say is “No. This activity does not interest me. It would be a hassle to attend anyway and I don’t even want to, ask someone else.” I would hope that my dominant friend would hear this. But because she was excited about the intended activity all she heard was “I’ll move some things around and I’ll be there.” Then usually she would be unhappy when I had to leave and would try and again test my limits and get me to stay longer…. If I didn’t call in sick that is!!

I learned you have to be clear when you don’t feel comfortable with something, but that you don’t have to be angry with the person for suggesting it, or even feel pressured. That pressure you feel is internal and comes from that inner people pleaser. Once you quieten her down, you feel ok saying “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll give it a miss. I hope you find someone to go with.” When you are clear there is not much room for them to continue the conversation, and if they do, a quick, “I said no,” will shut the conversation down pretty quickly.
Saying no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with is ok. Your friend shouldn’t like you any less. However it may come as a surprise to her, if you have always done these things before. She probably never realised there was a problem! Expect her to ask if you are ok. Expect her to say you aren’t acting like yourself. Expect her to be hurt and angry and feel rejected. If she does prompt the conversation, be honest with her and tell her you are setting better boundaries for yourself. Be honest and tell her you have not always enjoyed the activities, and most likely if you suggested activities to her she had no interest in she would have no problem saying no. Even tell her you admire that quality and have decided you want to be more like her.

It's usually not someone else that has to change, but your own responses and reactions to them. 

It will be hard at first. She will apply pressure. You will feel guilty. Rest assured that is a reflection of her not respecting your boundaries….. and learning what they actually are. You will probably relent a few times before you get it right, but you can do it.

And you know what, because we are all on the spectrum, you may even find that you are the dominant friend with some of your other friends! So be mindful of that too! You can be friends with someone more dominant than you, as long as you are clear in your own boundaries. Remember to be assertive, not aggressive.

Good Luck!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Find the middle ground

Forget the ending, not the friending!

I had a moment the other night, the kind, when I think about it, happens pretty regularly. Not so long ago, I had a close friend who was unsettled and pretty unhappy in her job. She was considering study, and I encouraged her to follow her ambition towards her more creative side. Of course, the idea of returning to study was daunting, and she’d have probably had to keep up working to sustain her responsibilities at the same time, and although we often discussed it, she never did make a change. Not at the time anyway…..

Unfortunately our friendship ended, as sometimes happens in life, despite ourselves. Alas, life goes on. While I was out on the weekend with my husband, enjoying some much needed and appreciated child free couple time, courtesy of my dad taking the kids camping, we stumbled into a club. As we gained entry, a female security guard, took our ID and photograph. Although she looked nothing like my friend, with her boyish blonde hair and stocky build, somehow she made me think of her. I thought to myself, THIS! This was something my friend would probably have enjoyed and been well suited to. She could have worked nights here, studied, and met many interesting people. I wanted to take out my phone and message her straight away to enlighten her about this epiphany of mine!

I told my husband excitedly that she would have been perfect for this role, and he looked at me confused and bewildered, before saying “So? Who cares about her?! You aren’t friends anymore, remember?” Although this wasn’t news to me, technically, for just a moment, I had forgotten that small detail. Forgotten the ending. Remembering it again was quite a painful and unexpected shock. As my mind wandered over the circumstances, I realised that my memories of this person are frozen in time. For all I know she has changed jobs now, or found satisfaction in other areas meaning her job is no longer a particular issue. I have to accept that the reality is that this person was someone I used to know. Not somebody I still do.

Haha! Sorry! I couldn't resist! :) 

This brings about conflicting emotions in me. On the one hand it is deeply painful, like that person has died, because I ceased knowing her or what her dreams and goals are, or what her life resembles these days. On the other hand, it is easier to let that person go. I don’t know her. You can’t hold onto someone you don’t know, not really.  I still refer to this particular woman as my friend, and I probably always will, in reference. Because the person I knew, she was my friend. The person she is now may not be and that has to be ok.

When my social media plagues me with memories of her, and “reminds me” of all the fun times we shared together, because it hates me and loves throwing my failures in my face, lol, I can look at it with a sense of ease. I miss that person, and the friendship we shared, but that person isn’t gone, and nor is her friendship. It existed. It was real, and it was wonderful while it lasted. It will exist so long as my memories of her do, which will be for many years to come. It doesn’t have to be painful. I do not need to forget about her, although I can forget about the ending of us, I just need to remember that she was someone I used to know and not someone I still do.  Remembering her as it was is so much better than remembering the ending.

Often an ugly ending to a friendship, can leave you wondering if you ever really knew that person to begin with, or if your friendship was ever really real. This was a great way to remind myself that it was real and nobody can ever take that away from us. An ending cannot rewrite history, and I should not allow it to taint what was when I look back. Although I didn’t make it to her future and we are not the same people we were, in many ways our friendship, and it’s ending, probably shaped us and helped us grow. It's all written right there in the pages of our history. 

So this is a thank you to that friend, the one I used to know. I haven’t forgotten you and I do think of you often, as a friend, and I always will. (Also a shout out that I think security would be right up your alley! Haha.... Well the version of you that I used to know anyway!)


❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Is Loneliness your friend?

In my last post I touched on the fact that when my inner circle has an opening, I will start trying to fill it. Both consciously and unconsciously. It doesn’t always happen immediately, it does depend on the fallout. If a friendship fades out slowly and naturally, then the replacement process usually happens at a slower more natural pace too. However, if the friendship fall out was sudden and or painful, the loss seems to be felt at a much deeper level.

Agree or disagree as you will, but my comfort number is 5. I feel like all my social needs of giving and usually receiving are at capacity at 5 inner circle friends. So if one suddenly combusts, I definitely start to feel a bit lonely. This seems perfectly reasonable and understandable, doesn’t it.

I think that is supposed to say love?! Lol

They say that the first step is acknowledging the problem, and if I can identify that I am lonely, the solution seems obvious! Start making more effort to grow existing outer circle friendships and acquaintances, or reach out and start looking for new friends! Why not hedge your bets and do both? I often do! So what’s the problem?

The problem is that this sense of loneliness creates a feeling of unnecessary urgency in the process. It heightens your vulnerability to be susceptible to overlooking red flags, racing into friendships with people you don’t really know just to fill the void. It can lead to intense friendships which feel incredibly charged and powerful at first, but exhausting and even addictive longer term. It can cloud your judgement and you might mistake someone liking you as you liking them. (I mean, who isn’t enchanted and intrigued at least by someone who likes them? It’s a powerful elixir!)

Don't get blinded by all the pretty colours too quickly. See what lasts! 

This causes friendship drama down the road when you want to reduce the intensity, cool the friendship, or essentially realise that you don’t have much in common with that person and probably have never been all that compatible. This realization may come when the rose coloured glasses naturally fade, or when, over a period of time, you meet more of the types of people you really feel you “fit” with and gravitate towards them and away from the other person.

Not only is it bad for you, it’s not particularly kind to the other party either. Of course, people change and grow. Maybe they changed or you did and you weren’t always as incompatible as you seem now. The problem isn’t them, nor is it you, but the circumstances under which you met perhaps?

So what can we do to avoid this problem?  Firstly, acknowledge that you miss your ex friend. Sometimes we confuse that with loneliness. Even if you were the one who ended it, you probably (I hope!) did like your friend and miss things about her and your friendship how it was BEFORE things started to decline between you. Secondly, allow yourself to grieve and miss your friend. She cannot be replaced, she was one in a million and no friendship will be quite like hers. Thirdly, focus on yourself. Make goals. Work goals, health and fitness goals, and recreational goals. Spend a period of time sitting with your emotions and just focusing on these goals, I promise by the end of it you wont notice that urgent feeling so much.

Enjoying your alone time is essential for mental health, as are those social needs. Don’t use one to avoid the other in any variation, but be comfortable with both, and they will find a balance that works for you. Once you feel comfortable and better about yourself because you achieved some goals and no longer fear being alone, you are in optimum condition to begin reaching out. Remember you are looking for friendships, not particular people or traits. Be open and see who you meet. You’ll know when you feel chemistry with someone, even platonically, however you will be aware enough to know that a slow burn is better in the long term. Spend time. Slowly get to know people and see who naturally falls into that inner circle, while still nurturing the others who reside there.

Acting on loneliness actually almost always leads to this exact phenomenon ironically enough! It's a nasty cycle. Break the habit!

Remember that the inner circle is always interchangeable and that is normal. Friendships ebb and flow in closeness for a whole range of reasons, and there is nothing WRONG with you! The worst thing you could do is assume that you must be flawed and inadequate in some way. Just keep being you and keep that confidence up regardless of other people, and the right sorts will be drawn to you.  Just because someone has a place in your inner circle doesn’t mean you are entitled to a place in theirs. Similarly, just because someone has been a member “forever” (ForNever even!) doesn’t mean their time there is guaranteed, nor is your time with anyone else.

Enjoy the people in your inner circle for as long as you have them there, and allow themselves, and yourself the freedom to change who resides there from time to time. Keep an open mind, be open to new people, even when you are at capacity, and take a good look at those friends who are in the outer circle. Are you in their inner circle? Is there some reason they didn’t make it to yours? Have you simply overlooked someone, or have they just not blossomed naturally yet. Water the friendship some more and see what blooms.

It must be planted, nurtured, watered, cared for before it blooms, as it blooms and after it blooms. Patience and love will go a long way, and nothing will hurry it along. (Unlike flowers though, bullsh*t wont help in this situation! haha) 

Is loneliness your friend? No, but it also isn't your enemy. You don't desperately need to escape it. Just let it visit and naturally pass. Desperation is off putting to healthy people anyway, so you wont attract the right sorts typically under those conditions. We all feel it occassionally, just don't let it be a permanent state!

Remember that the social need in humans is real, but the more urgent it feels, the less genuine and rewarding the fruits will be. Take your time. Be patient. Have faith. Enjoy the sunshine while you wait, and water your own inner seed. I should take my own advice, and I will! 

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

It takes time. Put time into it, first waiting, then nurturing the soil, then watering it and providing various amounts of shade and light. Time and effort, one flower at a time. The natives to your soul will grow the best, the fastest and last the longest. Enjoy the rest for as long as you have them. x

The friendship life cycle - circle of 5!

Recently, a friend of mine was discussing with me that as a single woman, she often relies heavily on social interactions to meet her emotional needs, but that as most of her friends are coupled, these friendships often seem one sided, and at times exhausting to maintain.

My friend seemed to feel that she had to really put in the effort for these friends, and conduct the friendships on their terms. She felt she didn’t have many friends whom she felt gave as much to the friendships as she does. She says she understands their family lives and that they have less time for her, and sometimes she has to be flexible to fit in around their work, children and partners, however, that always being the one to make all the effort is tiresome.

The conversation rolled around to my personal “Rule of 5.” To recap this for you, I find I am at my social peak when I maintain 5 close core friendships. Any less and I start to feel lonely, and anymore and I start to feel drained and overwhelmed. I give a lot of myself in my friendships, so that may be why my number can be counted on the fingers of one hand! These are the main 5 people I will make effort to maintain strong friendships with and not usually feel "tired" in doing so, because the reward is worth the effort, and the relationships are reciprocal enough that I am not score keeping on who made more effort. 

Wow!

Each person’s number will be unique to them, depending on their friendship style and how much time effort and energy they place into friendships to begin with. There is no right or wrong number, although I think 5 is ideal, 1 is too few, and 10 is probably too many. But hey, each to their own! I was pretty pleased with myself as I encouraged my friend to consider her close friends and put a number on it. My friend had printed pictures of her fur babies for the picture on the front of her personalized Christmas cards this year, and disclosed that she had printed only  10, so that must be her number.

She was pretty pleased to state that I myself had made it into her top 10 close friends! I am going to be honest with you. If I did make it into her top 10, my best guess would be 10th place! Not that I need her to rank us, but although we do at times border on a close friendship, and it may in time grow into a closer one, for now, I’d categorize us into the casual, recreational type of friends. Not that it matters. I have long ago accepted I am an outer circle friend of hers, and likely to stay there. Just as I have my own outer circle friends. What I was asking my friend, was to identify her inner circle friends, and focus on putting more effort into those, rather than exhausting herself keeping up with the likes of me! (Unless I make the top 5! Lol) The point being for her to identify her number, then assess if she is putting effort into the right people.

See how there is 5 in the inner circle there. Point proven! haha

My friend found this a curious circle of friendship life. She poked holes in my number theory, and I wanted to explore that. She asked me, what happens if one of the 5 core friendships end. I was quick to admit that I will immediately “begin the hunt” for a replacement, and to be honest, it doesn’t usually take too long to find myself back at 5! She asked, in your need to fulfill your “quota” (she said this with a heavily sarcastic tone. I do love how we laugh together!) does this sometimes lead you to make poorer choices? In reflection, yes. It does. She has a valid point that at times I have indeed added someone to the core circle who wasn’t really compatible with me to begin with, or someone I didn’t know well enough to have naturally developed inner circle bonds with! (Post on that to follow for sure! Stay tuned)

She also asked me if I ever move people from my outer circle up to my inner circle. That question sat uncomfortably in the air as I pondered my response and reluctantly admitted that perhaps for a time, a person from the outer circle would be moved up a level, however it was usually only temporary, to fill a need. That experience with these people have taught me that outer circle works for us and inevitably they seem to fall back there.  She asked if they knew that they were outer circle friends, and I sheepishly looked at the floor and mumbled “I hope not!” Although with at least one of these friends, I believe I am also her outer circle friend too, so that feels ok! Haha Awkward. We don’t discuss it that’s for sure! Lol

The last question she asked perturbed me the most. If I am only capable of 5, what happens when I am at capacity and I meet someone new I want to add in? I could feel her eyes boring into my soul as the ugly truth revealed itself. I met her gaze, gave her a wicked grin and said matter of factly. “Yes. Someone will hit the chopping block!” How awful! I know! Let me explain!! ….

That’s not to say that any of my friendships failed because someone better came along! They didn't! If only it were that simple! However it stands to reason that in order to give that friendship the oxygen it needs to burn, the intensity of some of my other friendships is going to reduce. It is not a calculated decision where I make a list and cross someone off! I do try and maintain more than 5 if I am lucky enough to meet worthy people! (Worthy. Got tickets on myself much?! I’m only digging a deeper hole for myself here aren’t I?!) The thing is, some friendships require more oxygen to survive than others. When I reduce that oxygen, some of them just fizzle out. They needed that intensity to keep burning.

While at the start of a new friendship, there often is that rush and that excited intensity, if it continues to need that same level to burn, it has probably become unhealthy. Very few friendships in this category have learned, on either side, to handle the reduced flow! Jealousies and insecurities creep in and cracks start to form at the foundation. A little bit of space becomes a whole lot of drama or distance, usually both! 

Of course, sometimes it boils down to “You seem to like friend 6 more than you like me?” There is no easy or nice way to say this, but often, that is the cold hard truth. You can’t always explain the chemistry you feel with someone, even in friendship, and nor should you have to. After all, one of the best things about friendships are the non-monogamous, voluntary, open nature of them. If I choose to emotionally move away from one in favour of the other, that is ok. Even if I have known one longer than the other. If that turns out to be a mistake on my part, and I have been burned by this before, then that is my cross to bare!

Sorry. Sometimes it be's like that! :/ 

I have been on the brutal receiving end of this emotional shift myself, so I do understand how confusing and hurtful it can be when a close friend suddenly pulls away somewhat in favour of somebody else. Experience has taught me to tolerate the shift and wait back in the outer circle for another opening, IF the friendship means enough to me that is. Let the new friend have the oxygen that is needed to grow a new inner circle companion, then there will be plenty to go around in time. One hand feeds the other.

I can’t help this. 5 is my natural instinctual number. None of us have unlimited energy to give to friendships, nor unlimited oxygen to keep them burning on high heat. If a friendship can't simmer, I guess it will burn out... or you will, trying to maintain too many friendships and finding none of them are that close or maybe even reciprocal as a result.

What’s your natural number?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

This is true regardless of your number. This is what it is all about. Increasing the value regardless of the size. 

Is a sense of detachment a good thing or a bad thing in Friendships?

Along this journey of friendship and self discovery, I have noticed a new pattern creeping into my friendships that I wanted to explore. I now seem to go into most of my friendships with a sense of detachment. Whereas I used to get excited to hear from new friends, or even older but closer friends, I now live my life in such a way that I don’t expect to hear from them and don’t much care if I do.

That sounds like I am saying I don’t like hearing from my friends, which isn’t quite true. Of course I love hearing from them. I still enjoy the feeling after a new friend calls to talk about something personal, and I realise she thinks of me as a close enough friend to discuss such things and someone to count on. What’s not to love about that?

Still I notice I take these things as they come. Just because she considered me a friend today does not lead me to assume she will feel the same way tomorrow, and I also no longer assume because she likes me that we are “friends.” I have now also learned to consider if I like her or not. That hasn’t always been as simple and straight forward as it sounds. Plenty of times I can identify when an overbearing boundary crossing person has entered my life and claimed friendship, regardless of if I wanted to be her friend or not. And usually I didn’t question it. If someone liked me, we became friends.

I remain open to these people, and all the other new friends that could potentially blossom into my life at any time, but I am also weary. I feel I am much more closed off emotionally than I used to be. I don’t disclose much about my inner self for quite some time, and am very aware early on when I don’t think someone has what it takes to be there for me in the ways I need. My therapist (who drives the BMW!! I've mentioned this, yes?! Lol) tells me that this is great for me. It is healthy to practice letting people in, and choosing who those people are. Practicing safe boundaries and all that.

Sometimes boundaries and detachment is a good thing

I see she has a point and I feel great that I am able to let friendships take their natural course and not try and force every person I become friends with to be the friend I need, letting them be the type of friend that they ARE!  I used to have, and still sometimes do struggle, with having very rigid beliefs about what a friend should be, what they should disclose, what they should ask, how often they should be in touch, how quickly they should respond, and even at times, how they should respond. I still have my preferences about all of these things, as I imagine we all do. Yet we can all probably acknowledge that the answers will vary for us individually. Which is why in essence there is NO RIGHT answers to these things. However, when I hold these expectations of what a friends should do, I am usually basing that expectation around what I would do for them.

I am a friend to enough people, that I feel overall, I am a pretty good friend. Even if that is only true while it lasts.... So I feel justified that I know how to be a good friend. Ironically the person I know how to be the best friend for is myself, and usually I am not all that friendly to myself. Also a work in progress. Haha But basing my ideals off friendship based on how I act is flawed logic. How I act is representative of how I want other people to act towards me. But as I just discussed – I am not friends with myself. (Yes, I should be!) I am friends with other people. So the best way to be friends with them, is usually their way!

What many of us fail to see, is that our friends are not just our friends. They are people. They have full lives, pasts, experiences, triggers, emotional needs and wants of their own. They also have other relationships, responsibilities and circumstances to ours, dictating their time, priorities and values differently. Basically, they are different to us! D'uh!  What we may do in an effort to make someone happy may actually make them unhappy, and vice versa. Take my friend with the crippling anxiety for example. She worries constantly that her messages will be intrusive and bothersome. It worries her if she wants to contact me at school pick up time or dinner time. She is usually so reluctant that she will wait for me to reach out to her. But I like hearing from my friends. Sure, I am not free to chat for half an hour at dinner time, but a quick text, I can handle. I do reach out to her, but usually not as frequently or as quickly as she would prefer, and I find it silly that no matter how much reassurance I give her that it is fine to message me any time, she still tries not to. When I message her, I do it whenever suits me and honestly, whenever I remember. I know she works shifts, so she may be asleep or at work, but I know she will get back to me when she has time.  Perhaps she finds this intrusive and would prefer I messaged only at certain times. See how easily these perceptions of what a friend should do can be different enough to cause problems?

I didn’t always, but I now respect that my friends are people! Sounds absurd, doesn't it. Perhaps I used to think of them as characters, co stars in my own movie kind of deal?! (I know right! Narcissistic much?!)  I now acknowledge the my friends have lives - outside of and separate to my own and when I make contact they might not have the time or energy to respond. They might forget to respond. Their lives don’t revolve around me\?! Shock horror! Lol They may forget to check in after an accident, illness or issue we have discussed. I used to interpret this to mean that they don’t care, but it’s just that they are busy. Honestly. I am not in the forefront of their mind. Nor should I be. I get that now.  Whereas I do try to make extra effort to do that for others, to follow up and follow through, others often think if I want to speak about it again, I will touch base again myself. I used to think that was wrong, but I see now there is no right and wrong, just different.

All that sounds pretty positive, and for me, it really has been. In both setting boundaries for others and recognizing and respecting theirs – as people not just as "my" friends. So has being able to sometimes separate the issue and realise that they are not bad or intentionally hurtful people even if they aren’t particularly good friends. I can acknowledge that “good friends” is subjective and personal. Perhaps they are great friends to other people with different needs and expectations. The most helpful thing has been separating that sometimes someone lets you down once or twice, but that doesn’t make them a bad friend period, just perhaps not in the best place in their life at that moment to be a good friend, or offer the type of friendship that best meets my needs. 

What hasn’t been as positive is the emotional isolation that I had started to feel. This was mostly because of my niggling expectation that friends are people and people DO AND WILL let you down. Friendships do end and this is normal. I can accept that. However I must be aware that just because friendships do fail, doesn’t mean that they WILL all inevitably fail. After feeling some rifts in some pretty close friendships, I noticed that I could acknowledge, albeit with some sadness, that these friendships were probably going to end. I came to peace with that as though I have accepted that is always what will transpire.

I became closed off, and stopped reaching out to these friends, who always seem too busy to be there for me in any real way. Our catch ups started to feel more hollow, because too much time had passed in between and so much had happened and I had gotten through it on my own that I thought I didn’t need to open up too much now anyway. Recently I caught up with one of these friends, after far too long had passed, and she shared something with me that did not fit with my theory that we were ending. In return I shared something with her. This beautiful and meaningful exchange continued on into the wee hours of the morning, the way it always used to, and I noticed how energized I felt even at 3am as I left. Because I had shared some things, I had been vulnerable to her, as she had with me. Because I realised I do need friendships even though I can get through things on my own. My friends get through things on their own too, but we choose to support each other as much and as often as we can!

It felt wonderful to share with this person again. I felt alive! To engage and use what little time we had to talk about the real issues, the things that are closest to our hearts rather than catching up on who bought what car etc…

Harder than it sounds, but also more rewarding!

I concluded that while a certain amount of detachment is good, too much will only isolate me and ensure that the friendships do end. Which isn’t what I ultimately want, although I know it does happen. I want to make sure I am doing what I can to make my friendships healthy and lasting, and that means being vulnerable even when it feels uncertain. Ultimately you will only get as much out of a friendship as you put in. Sometimes that means putting in less because less is all you will get in return, but sometimes it means putting in more. It’ll be worth the effort. I promise.

To that special friend, and you know who you are, there is an extremely long message coming your way about all sorts of things I’d love to share with you. I’ll send it on Monday, when I know it is more convenient for you. Anyways, who knows what the weekend might add to it by then. Better yet, let's catch up and talk in person. Tuesday? :D I vow to put more effort into our friendship again, even at the risk of it ending, in the hope that it isn't!

Keep in touch!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Maybe I am finally approaching full emotional maturity? Ok, probably not, but I can at least see the path. Gotta start somewhere, right? :) 

3 Easy Resolutions to strengthen your friendships

I can’t believe it is already the end of 2017?! Where did the year go? Just like many of you I am sure, I probably made some pretty loft resolutions last year that I didn’t quite live up to in the last 12 months.  So I thought this year, I would simplify the matter, and make 3 easy and attainable resolutions or friendship goals for us all to follow.

1. Grow at least one acquaintance into a more meaningful friendship. This means spending a little more time with a person on a personal level and sharing a little more about yourselves. If you usually meet in a group, get together one on one. If you usually meet at an activity, arrange something outside of that activity.

2. Practice being more open, honest and vulnerable with your friends. Don’t say you are fine even if you are not. Don’t assume your problems are not as important as someone else’s. Let them be a friend to you, let them be there for you. Encourage them to do the same with you.

3. Schedule in more regular friend time. Maybe start with one day or evening a month and put it in your new diary as a friend day. You can plan in advance the friend and activity you would like to do, or leave it to closer to the time, but put a reminder in your phone and make it a priority to make sure you do this. Maybe ask your friends to do it too and if you can all agree on the 1st of the month or something you know most of them will also be free. Make sure you keep the time balanced. Equal talking and listening, equal fun times and equal consistency in effort to make this happen! Just like Shasta Nelson’s Friendship Formula
That’s it peoples. Simple. Good Luck!

Wishing you all the best this year, to you and all your friendships!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is a Gift of Giving

I am the first to admit that I love Christmas! I love the decorations and the lights, the cheesy Christmas romance movies, the food, the giving and receiving of gifts, and the pure joy and delight on my children’s faces on Christmas morning. I love spending it with family and all the traditions that go along with it. It really is a magic time of year. For me.

That said, it’s not lost on me that this can be the loneliest time of year for some, and the busiest and most stressful time for many. In the spirit of Christmas, I wanted to remind you all that giving is the true spirit, and that friendship is the greatest and most valuable gift you can offer!!

So, here’s a few tips on making Christmas a joyous time for your friends too.

1. Spend some time with them. It is the best time of year to make time for your friends. Do as many Christmas catch up’s as you can. You do not need to exchange gifts, and it does not need to cost money. Time is the greatest gift you have to offer, so make sure you have reached out and caught up with all the friends you hope to keep close in the new year.

2. Help. Think of the most helpful thing you could manage to do for your friend, that you can do and would be willing to do, and do it. Or at least offer. If your friend has all the cooking to do – suggest you get together and do your Christmas cooking as a team, splitting the duties and drinking wine as you go. Or if your friend is a parent, offer to come over after the kids go to bed one night and wrap presents with them. Maybe offer to take them to your place and wrap them for her or store them until Christmas eve. (I had a few wrapping catch ups over the last few years, and it is fun and it really lightens the load!) If wrapping isn’t your forte then perhaps offer to take the kids out of the house so the parent/s can get some things done! If you are going to the shops, phone your friends and see if they need you to grab any last minute items for them. You get the drift. Try to be as helpful as you can.

3. Thoughtfulness. If you seriously don’t have the luxury of the time to be catching up and helping, at least try and be as thoughtful as you can. A simple Merry Christmas text on Christmas morning might mean more than you realise to someone who might not have much family around on the day.  If you can identify any friends who will be waking up alone on Christmas day, or even spending the day alone, try to be thoughtful and considerate! Invite them to spend time with you on the day at some point if possible. (My husband is working Christmas Day this year, leaving the kids and I to fend for ourselves. While we will be spending the day with my parents and the evening with my brother, an invite from a dear friend to go swimming with them in the afternoon really warmed my heart.) SIDE NOTE: Remember it is SUMMER here in Australia at Christmas time and it is HOT!! Anyway...  If you simply can’t offer any time that day, and many of you cannot, I know, then perhaps do something thoughtful like deliver flowers, or a bottle of wine and a boxed set of DVD’s and some snacks in a hamper to help your friend fill the day with an invite to discuss the show at a later stage. Or some knitting or crafting supplies if they are that way inclined. You get the gist of it. Try not to leave any of your friends feeling forgotten.

4. Kindness. Do something kind this Christmas for someone, and don’t let on that it was you! It could be leaving a present under a wishing tree, or a donation of food, clothes, toys or money for the needy, or leaving an anonymous note telling someone that they are a wonderful person. Donate blood, or join the organ donor list. Anything that will help someone else or make them smile.

Christmas has indeed become commercialized; more about gifting than giving. Lets all try to remember that giving is a gift in of itself and these small acts and gestures are at the heart of it all.

Friendship is the greatest gift – so give yours to people freely and willingly, old friends, new friends and yet to be friends.

Merry Christmas Friends!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

When you don’t know, or don’t really understand why a friendship ended.

Most of us can relate to an ended friendship. Many of us can relate to the pain and confusion that this can cause. Sadly, many of us can also relate to the crippling self doubt that occurs in the wake of the heart ache, which seems to be exacerbated if you don’t know the reasons for the fri-ending.

Maybe you suddenly noticed you were unfriended and blocked on social media without any explanation. Maybe you had a falling out about something, and parted ways, but you always thought ending it on a petty disagreement didn’t fit and you wondered what the real reason behind the ending was. Maybe your friend did give you a reason, but it wasn’t clear to you exactly what the issue was, either she didn’t say or you didn’t understand. Or maybe she told you clear as day why but you disagreed or couldn’t accept her perception of things?

I have experienced all of these, and can definitely relate. I have questioned myself, and sometimes the friend in question about how I could fix the matter. I have apologized for things I didn’t do, or apolgised even though I didn’t really know what I was apologizing for. I have replayed endless conversations in my mind, looking for clues of offensive things I said, or things I failed to say but should have. I have re-read emails, texts and messages long into the wee hours of the mornings looking for answers or signs of when things started going wrong that I missed. I have had endless imaginary conversations with ex-friends in my mind. Some where I am relentlessly sorry and willing to prove my worth and regain trust. Some where I am cool calm and collected, where I state my case confidently and don’t care for the outcome. Some where I underline the triggers I think both of us have encountered along the way and we come to a mutual understanding. And even some where I am witty and funny with just the right come backs and use humour to navigate the stormy seas.

All too little too late of course, and all conversations that almost never end up becoming a reality, and if they do, the person never says any of the stuff I planned responses for in my mind. I wish I didn’t do this. And I wish I could tell you to stop doing it too. But we both will. This is the mind’s way of trying to find closure, to understand what happened at least so we can move forward and learn from past mistakes as it were.

Let me help you with this one. You mean something. You matter. Regardless of them! And you know you probably did mean something to them once, even if you no longer do.

The problem with that though, is that we assume we have made a mistake. That we must be in some way to blame. This is neither true nor helpful, and blaming yourself will only hurt you further. Of course, then the brain goes on the defensive, listing all the things you did for that friend that she didn’t appreciate or the things she said or did that were hurtful or offensive, and you go on to try and turn it all around and tell yourself you are glad that friend is no longer in your life anymore. At least telling yourself that feels like closure even though it isn’t because you still harbour feelings of anger and resentment.

This is natural of course, because as I have mentioned before when someone says I hate you they really mean you hurt me. And that is the crux of the issue. Someone hurt you. The brain gets caught in this holding pattern of needing the same person who hurt you to be the one who heals you. And as it gets stuck there, the wound just keeps bleeding. Just like any other wound to your body, emotional scars can heal themselves, if we stop picking at them. So how do we do that?

Apply pressure to the wound! Don’t let any negative germs in – self doubt. Don’t worry about why this friendship has ended. It has. For now anyway. It may help to consider that this may be a temporary separation. Instead of focusing on the past and searching for clues, or focusing on the future and having imaginary conversations, concentrate on right now. What do you need right now? You need sleep. You need self care and love.

Instead of confronting your friend, or begging her, think about what you feel and why. Not what she feels. Not what she did or didn’t do or what you did or didn’t do. You feel hurt, you feel abandoned. You feel not good enough. You might even feel a bit like you failed. This can bring on feelings of shame and guilt.  None of that feels good. But once you identify it, you can start healing it. You can remind yourself of all the lovely qualities you offer, things you are proud of and remind yourself that nobody else gets to judge if you are good enough or not. Maybe you did make a mistake, or maybe you didn’t. Your friend has chosen to walk away, so remind yourself that was her own choice, not your consequence for poor behaviour. Think of things you can do to move forwards and achieve some of your own goals. If you don’t have any – set some personal goals! Focus on yourself. You deserve it, and you are worth it.

When you feel the endless relentless thoughts creeping in, instead of googling it and reading endless articles like this one, focus on something green, for example. How many green things can you see? The lawn is green. Did you water it today? Just redirect your thoughts and a new thought trail will happen. I often start by saying to myself “I don’t want to think about this.” Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about it, even if you don’t change anything, and sometimes it helps to write it down, and then leave it alone. What you are achieving when you get bogged down in the semantics, is reliving the hurt over and over. You need to acknowledge the hurt, allow yourself to feel hurt and validate those painful feelings, then remind yourself that you did not deserve to be hurt and agree to stop hurting yourself more by trying to understand the reasons why. Maybe the other person knows why, or maybe they don’t really know either. At the end of the day understanding it changes nothing anyway. It still happened, as life tends to do. It will pass, if you let it. Stop trying to blame yourself or themselves.

Easier said than done, I agree, but possible.  

Note – If you need to say sorry, then by all means do so. Once. Then leave it alone. Only time will tell what will happen and we cannot control the outcome one way or the other. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know it will be ok. I’m sure of it!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Think about it, seriously... it makes sense... 

The Art of Gift Giving - one simple tip

'Tis the Season to be Jolly! How quickly this time of year has rolled around?! I swear it gets faster and faster as I get older!

Now is the time many of us start thinking of the perfect gifts to give. Often we know just the things to get for family, and the token gifts to give to acquaintances and teachers etc… but the people we get stumped with most often, are our friends. Ironically, sometimes the closer we are, the harder we find it to buy just the right thing for them.

While jewelry and perfume are always good back up options, especially if your friend has a passion for these things, it is best to think about your friend and the things she enjoys the most. This isn’t a post about ideas to buy your friend. After all, I don’t even know her. I did however write this post last year “Five meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season” which you may want to peruse.

I wanted to share something I noticed about my mother’s gift giving style which I resented, but noticed I am also guilty of similar things, albeit in different ways. My mother doesn’t like to waste money on junk. When she buys you a gift she prefers that it meets a need and is useful. She would rather buy you a vacuum cleaner than walking shoes, but would also rather buy you walking shoes than perfume. That said, she would rather buy you perfume than buy you something frivolous like a toy, if you happen to like toys for example. I mention that because my brother, who is older than me by 6 years still loves his toys and superheros. He loves transformers and robots and scifi movies. However my mother insists on buying him things like a leaf blower or an electric drill. Because those are the things she values.

I dislike this and have said to her many times “Why not buy him something he actually wants instead of something he needs.” Ever practical, she reminds me than needs surpass wants in this responsible adult lifestyle to which we all conform. Sigh. I have long ago accepted mum’s preference, and in fact hugely appreciate the ever sought after Kmart vacuum that she went to great lengths to secure, that was then gifted to us early because the old one ate itself or something. Lol My point is that I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to get people things they actually liked, and wanted, not things they needed.

(Mum’s theory is if she buys something they need, they can use their own money to buy something they want. But in my experience, the list of things you need seems to always outweigh the ones you want and you often never do get around to wasting your own money on the things you want. But if someone else wastes theirs…. That’s different. Right?!)

Ok, so I wasn’t like mum. I buy frivolous things. I’ll buy my friends dresses or shoes even if they already have a million of these things, or movie tickets, or other experiences – anything from sky diving, to massages to meals or play passes. I’ll buy them jelwellery and chocolates and perfume. I’ll buy them hair dryers or curlers, or straighteners or unicorn related items if they like unicorns for example. Even unicorn poop!! Haha. Yes, you can buy that now! Lol What I had not recognized until recently was that these are all things I enjoy buying, giving, and even receiving as presents.

Now, I have done all my shopping for my friends and family, because I am organized like that, and most of it is even wrapped! Yep! Summer holidays are approaching here in Australia and I don’t have much time left to get it done! Seriously! Lol Anyway, bragging about my organisational ability aside, I have a single friend who lives alone with her fur babies. As she is often alone on Christmas morning, she asked if she could give me some money and some ideas and I could go and buy her some things from Santa so she could still have a fun surprise on Christmas day. I thought this was a great idea, and as I love Christmas and all the shopping etc…. I was excited to help. However when she started giving me the list of ideas for gifts for herself…. I had to compare it to the things I have already got her. It made me question if I really know this person at all. Her list included things like lego and an alarm clock that makes your tea in the morning and matching dog and human pyjamas. Yes, you read that correctly! Haha

Buy something they want, or something meaningful, or both!

Needless to say, nothing I had already bought her made it onto her suggested list. (Sorry, you probably wont like my presents chick! Just a heads up! Lol) And I only noticed my hypocrisy when I scoffed at the pyjamas and said to myself “I wont be buying those.” I said it, but I heard my mothers voice when I did. Although I want my friends to enjoy their gifts, and I do try and think of what they like and things they have mentioned along the way, for the first time I realised my mother buys people things she values, and I do just the same thing! Not needs I value, but wants I value.

So my best tip for you is to really think about your friend and what brings her joy. The things that she would want regardless of if you would want the same things! Don’t make my mistakes and buy people things that you like. (You may not even notice that you do this! I didn't!) Buy them things that they like. How crazy simple is that?! Maybe you think it is a waste of money, but is your friends happiness not worth it?

Might be an idea to follow?

NOTE: I still did not buy the pyjamas?! haha I did look for them but they weren’t available for shipping here down under, and it would have been outside her budget anyway and would not have arrived in time. But maybe I will keep it in mind for next year or for her birthday. The point is I will no longer consider things that bring people joy a waste of money, but a purchased smile. Not something my mother will find me doing, no matter how good the vacuum is! (Sorry Mum, I am grateful! I promise! haha) 

TIP: Don't do this!!!

Season’s Greetings people!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Best friends in adulthood…. Reality or Fantasy?

As we age, we start to change and mature. We get busier and while we still hold on to the childhood fantasy of that one and only best friend, many of us struggle to feel like it is actually attainable, and if it is attainable, it seems even more unlikely that it is maintainable. Often we crave that person to whom we disclose everything, our deepest (and often darkest) thoughts, feelings, fears, fantasies and opinions. The same person who is always there for us, who makes us laugh, shows us a good time and is always there in a time of need. Yet in reality we may be faced with many surface level friends who prefer to keep the topics to weather or the garden,  avoid anything particularly personal, and are too busy to spend much time with us at all.

The title of this webpage is Best Friends ForNever for a reason. Not to say I am not a believer that such close bonds between women can happen. They can and they do. However it usually isn’t the same best friend you had in primary (elementary) school that is with you in retirement…. And if it is there has usually been a long pause in your friendship somewhere along the line.  It isn’t always the same person forever, and it isn’t even always ONLY one person?! Also, I have discussed unequal friendships here before, the kind where someone may consider you a best friend of  theirs, or vice versa when the sentiment isn’t really reciprocated.

So, how does one establish a best friendship? And can you ever be sure it is reciprocal? Is it important? As Shasta Nelson, Author of Frientimacy, often states in her own writing, the first mistake many of us make is seeking for someone to be a best friend instead of allowing someone to become a best friend. Does that make sense?

Having a best friend who meets all your needs is amazing. I wont deny it. However, it also puts A LOT of pressure on that one person to meet all of your needs, and as amazing as she is, that is unrealistic. So regardless of if you have found someone you consider a best friend or not, please stay open to seeking other friendships, and allow your friends the space and freedom to do the same. If you have not found her yet, please don’t go searching for her. Search for people you have things in common with. Friends you enjoy. Friends who interest you or stimulate you intellectually or emotionally.

Spend time with these people, with no pressure on them to become closer, or for them to be anything more than they are. Be aware of your needs, and notice how they all meet different ones. Be grateful for that. Personally I have friends who enjoy the same leisure activities as me, and friends who share the same passions or lifestyles. I have “mummy” friends to chat to about parenting, and school friends to reminisce about old times. I have online friends who I have never met. I have friends with whom I do more talking and friends with whom I do more listening. I have friends who stay within certain topics of conversation and friends who discuss everything and anything. I have friends who share far too much and friends who share almost nothing of themselves.

I used to find many of these friendships unsatisfying. I feel this is in large part because I had an unacknowledged expectation that every friend should be as close as a best one, and that I was wasting time with people if they could not or would not at least try and meet me at that level. With much therapy and personal reflection over time, I came to realise something important. It was not my friends who were letting me down, but my expectation of the friendships, that caused my dissatisfaction more than the people.

It wasn’t easy, but I learned to enjoy people for what they are. This includes seeing them for who they are. Acknowledging their boundaries. Respecting them. Not pushing them to give more, share more, or be closer than feels natural for either of us. Best friendships are not forced, and that is part of their beauty. I see that now.

Some of the people I spend the most time with are not able to meet my emotional needs. I have tried talking to them and have not been met with the empathy, caring or even at times listening skills that I require to feel close to someone on that level. However, for many of them, I do meet their needs, and that is where an imbalance can sometimes occur. However, I no longer feel uncomfortable when a friend says to me that I am her best friend even if I don’t feel the same way. She is expressing her experience of the friendship, in relation to the other relationships in her life and I am happy to be someone that people feel comfortable with… even if I don’t feel quite as comfortable with them in return.

Equally I no longer internalize it if someone does not find me to be their best friend. I no longer feel the need to be everybody’s bestie, and can acknowledge that perhaps the qualities I value and the qualities I offer do not actually meet the needs of some people, however much I might want them to.

I am not prepared to say that I don’t have a best friend. Perhaps I do. Infact perhaps I have a few. And they are the friends with whom I feel able to express myself fully. To be vulnerable without fear. These are the people who best meet my emotional needs as a friend. The people I turn to. I’d like to hope that these women feel the same way as I do, but it doesn’t really matter. If they have other people who meet their needs better than I do, then that’s fantastic. Because it means everybody’s needs are being met.
And let’s not forget we have other needs too! I can talk to these few friends about everything and anything, but I usually don’t. We often discuss more private matters and feelings and such, not spending much time on the everyday matters. That doesn’t mean I don’t want or need to discuss these things too, and that is where my other friends come in.

I love my fun friends. The ones who always make me laugh. We have adventures, and we fill our social cups together. I need that.  I love my leisure ladies, who enjoy long lunches, massages, movies and with whom the time melts away. I need that. I love my fascinating friends, who are full of stories, adventures, drama’s and unique perspectives on this world that interest me and stimulate my thinking. I need that. I love my mummy friends who talk and listen endlessly about parenting, poop, predicaments and sleep, school and social issues. I need that. I love my friends who I have known forever, with whom, much of the time conversation is not even necessary, and who know me in a way that only long term friends can. I love you all. I need you all. You all meet very important needs and I express a different side of myself with all of you.

Do I feel closer to some of these friends than others? Yes. I feel closer to the ones I feel really listen to me. Hear me. Understand me. Validate me. But I love you all and I know you all love me, in your own ways. I am sure some of you feel less close to me than I do to you also, and that is ok too. Just because some are closer than others, doesn’t necessarily make them more valuable. (As the term best would imply) Perhaps instead of searching for that one best friend, we should hope for a few close friends? The term best friend is so exclusionary and takes away from our other friendships in essence. My closest friends are not people I searched for. They happened authentically over time. First they were acquaintances, then casual friends and as we spent more time together each of us SLOWLY revealed more personal things, and tested the waters and the reactions we got. If we felt comfortable, heard, validated, understood and not judged, then we felt safer to disclose a little more. At least one of these friends discloses all of herself to me in return and it is a beautiful thing. One of them shares less of herself but I still value and appreciate how much of myself she lets me share and express.  The rest of them I appreciate how much they do share of themselves, and failing that I value what we both share and enjoy together on a less personal level.  

If you are feeling a bit lonely, even if you are surrounded by friends, it is likely that you feel nobody hears you, validates you and understands you the way you need. If you haven’t tried being a bit more vulnerable with a few people, please do. They may surprise you. (Even if you have nothing in common and you feel it’s an unlikely match!) Meanwhile, I always find journaling a good strategy for self expression (or a blog! Lol) and I recommend a mental health professional too. After all you pay them for exactly that!

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Are friendships effortless?

Upon reading the following article published by www.psychologytoday.com on 25/08/17, written by Miriam Kirmayer entitled Adult friendships; The lies we tell ourselves, I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment that telling ourselves friendships should be effortless is a big lie! There seems to be this societal belief, or even expectation that all good and meaningful friendships are effortless. They require no time, attention or maintenance. There are no expectations, no upset feelings and no drama! Not only that, but that the acquisition of friendships is a smooth simple process and the ending of friendships is a mutual non event also.

Why does this perception exist? It is unreasonable and untrue and causes those of us struggling with friendships to feel isolated and somewhat broken as a result. “What is wrong with me that I struggle to make or keep friends?” While this sort of self reflection can be helpful, the image that everyone else is socially successful is anything but helpful.

There will always be times in our lives where the social calendar is at capacity, and all is flowing well. What that capacity is, exactly, differs for everyone, (Mine is 5, as previously mentioned) however the satisfaction from engaging in these meaningful connections cannot be denied. Similarly, there will always be times in our lives when we feel socially isolated, lonely, excluded or unsuccessful. These times bring on many self doubts as we tell ourselves that everybody else already has friends and nobody else is struggling or open to new connections.

The truth is that we all struggle sometimes, but we just don’t talk about it. If we have problems in our lives then friends are the ones we often turn to, but when we have problems regarding friendships, unfortunately we often have nobody we can talk to about it. Nobody wants to seem like a “loser” when it comes to social conection, nor do they want to be seen as overly sensitive, dramatic or gossipy. Instead we suffer in silence.

There are many life changes that take place that may lead you to seeking new friends. Moving to a new city is the most obvious one – afterall you have left behind everyone you knew and loved for a new start. It can be daunting when you arrive and start to feel like everybody is already at full social capacity and you will always be on the outer. Other changes include changes in jobs, having children and seeking more connections with other parents, changing careers where you have to start at the bottom again, returning to study, retiring when you realise work friends met many of your social needs or maybe even tragedy such as loss of a loved one or  trauma such as an assault or a health diagnosis you feel most people don’t understand, or even changing your religious believes. These are just the few that immediately sprang to mind, I am sure there are many more.

Alternatively you may find yourself in an unfortunate situation where you have suffered the loss of a friendship, or a fracture between yourself and a group of friends, leaving you even more frightened, vulnerable and alone, not to mention questioning your own friendship skills.

The thing to remember is that it is ok to feel socially isolated. If you have acknowledged this to yourself then you have taken an important first step! Well done. The next step is to remind yourself that feeling socially successful, fulfilled and connected is an important human need that we have all experienced and can understand. I know it feels daunting to admit you are struggling, but there is no shame in doing what you need to do to make those important social connections. Matter of fact it is important for your mental health that you do. How you start is up to you. There are websites you can join, clubs, churches and meet up groups you can attend, new people you can meet at every place you go or people you can ask to introduce you to others. You  will be happy you did when that fulfillment starts filling your soul once more.

Now, this piece would be incomplete without discussing the time it takes to develop a friendship. While you look longingly at the best friends in your office and wish that you could find your person and feel quietly excluded, keep in mind that they didn’t instantly become best friends. It took time to develop that level of closeness. They were once new to each other just as you will be with your friends. As you invest time and energy into your friendships, some will naturally develop into closer bonds than others. Some will fizzle out and some will start hard and fast and finish in much the same way. Be patient. All friendships will feel effortless when things are going well, but as in any relationship with another human, it is impossible to expect things will always stay effortless! 

Once you are satisfied that you have reached a level of friendship that is mutually rewarding, you must continue to maintain that friendship. Friendships are not effortless. If you give little effort you receive little reward. Always practice good open communication, show empathy, be kind and generous of spirit. Trust in a friends positive intention toward you and be as forgiving as possible. Show an active interest in their lives and make sure you share enough about yourself to keep it reciprocal.  Make time to communicate, celebrate, commiserate, just talk and connect and time to just enjoy one another. If things hit a rocky patch, be aware of your feelings and discuss those instead of the actions.

both take time and effort though!!

Know that friendships come and go, and that is just as natural as relationships coming and going. When they go, put yourself out there, and even before that, always stay open to new connections. You never know when things may change and the things you shared with one friend may end or seem less important than they are now.

When friendships end, don’t internalize it too much, learn what you can and focus your energy on making new connections, or building stronger ones with existing friends. Be willing to acknowledge your social issues and encourage others to do the same. Everybody needs a friend. Go be one and see what happens!

Friendships are not effortless and nor should they be. We need to discuss this and find language to describe endings, social isolation and get rid of the stigma that comes with admitting loneliness. Are you with me?
 

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

It would still help to have more words for those meanings though, wouldn't it? 

Accepting an apology when you are still mad

The word sorry is an important word in our language and society, with the sentiment behind it holding even more value. It is often the hardest word to say, and its use must not only be convincing, followed by action, but it must also be timed correctly and used with sincerity. It can’t be over used either, or it loses its authenticity. It’s complicated to say the least!

In my last post I made reference to a falling out with a friend, that I did not handle to the best of my ability, allowing emotions to make a slave of me, and that was in part because I received an apology before I was ready.  We have this expectation that the word, or even the sentiment should immediately quell the situation at bay and extinguish the fiery angry rage that someone may be feeling as a result of poor choices we may have made that affected and hurt them.  In my own situation however, the anger and hurt that were burning in my heart were at full capacity, and a simple “I’m sorry” was a drop of water. Not nearly enough to extinguish the flames.

What transpired after that, which probably isn’t all that uncommon, was not too dissimilar to a situation I see between my 2 kids on a regular basis: One of them accidentally (or not) hurts the other one or ruins something that was important and the other is full of indignant rage. The first one quickly and relentlessly apologises, but the injured party screams back angrily “Well it is NOT ok?!” Following this, the one who made the mistake in the first place also becomes angry at this lack of acceptance of apology and begins blaming the injured party. Example: “You shouldn’t have left it there then!” Or “Well you started it.”

With adults it is usually a little bit more refined, but easily turns into a blaming match, where each of you blatantly lists every single flaw of the other, every thing they have ever done wrong and all the things that you quietly thought about them that you later wish you had kept quiet. When we are angry, it can be easy to forget all the things we like about someone and focus only on the negative! Ouch! 

Yep, ok, guilty as charged for that one.... 

When I was able to acknowledge that part of the issue was that I had received an apology before I was ready to forgive, I looked it up, naturally. I came across this article, published on www.livingthebump.com by Lauren Vork, entitled; How to respond to an apology if still mad.  In it the writer lists 4 key steps, these are:

1.       Give it time.

2.       Acknowledgement

3.       When it’s not enough

4.       Missing the point.

The gist of it is that it is important to tell your friend (or anybody else) that you are still angry and you need time for the anger to die down naturally before you can discuss it. (If you are the apologizing party, say you are sorry and then give the person space to digest it. Do not try and force someone to accept your apology or continue to apologise incessantly.) Thank the person for their apology if you believe they mean it, but still explain that you need more time to process the situation and your feelings about it before you are ready to move on.  If the wound is deep enough, explain to the person that while you accept their apology you expect to see a change in their behaviour to regain your trust. Finally, you may still be mad if you feel they don’t really understand the source of your hurt, in which case – if you can identify what specifically has hurt you, you can ask for a more considered apology that addresses the source of your hurt.

I didn’t do any of that. The friend in question said sorry, and I continued to be mad and list things that had upset me, then she got mad at my refusal to accept her apology immediately and basically retorted with justifications, followed by “I said I am sorry, what more do you want.” (Quickly followed by some other angry harsh words and accusations and demands of justification.)

Most of the time, what we want is for the issue never to have occurred in the first place, but failing a time machine, we have to accept that things happen and sometimes an apology, followed by clear communication and changes in actions are all the other party can offer. In many cases, including this one, the real issue is that my feelings were not validated and understood. The other party responded to my continued pain in anger and disgruntlement and not kindness, empathy and caring. 

When I did not immediately accept the apology being forcefully thrown at me, I was creating drama and this person angrily declared that they didn’t have the energy for my bullsh*t. An interesting response from someone who had just hurt and let me down, and someone who had called themselves my friend. Looking back, I can understand however that neither of us acknowledged what the other person was feeling.

I often wonder, if I had of simply said “Thank you for your apology, I do appreciate you are accepting responsibility for your actions, however I am still hurting and too mad to discuss this. I need some space to figure out why this is upsetting me so much, and I would appreciate if you would use that space to reflect on the reasons you think this has triggered such a strong reaction in me too, so I know you understand what I am feeling and why." If things may have worked out differently. 

Instead, as so many of us do, we got bogged down in facts, she said she said, you did versus I did, and all the other semantics and unimportant details, thoughts and feelings unrelated to the event. Sadly there was no resolution to this for us, however, maybe there could have been if only I had learned this earlier!

Once you have had time to let the anger cool down, had space to understand what you were feeling, and why you were so angry, and if you think that person is capable of validating your feelings, you will be in a better place to know what you will need to continue… if you can continue at all.  It is reasonable to have boundaries and remove yourself from people with deal breakers or unacceptable, manipulative or abusive words or actions towards yourself or others, regardless of if you accept the apology or not.

Whatever you decide to do, moving forward, forgiveness is key, because at the end of the day, holding a grudge only holds you prisoner, not the other party.

NOTE: If you were the person who had to apologise, the best remedy is not to merely say I am sorry, or provide justifications or excuses for your actions. Instead give a detailed and considered apology such as “I’m very sorry I let you down. I can see under the circumstances how you might feel that I didn’t consider your feelings or how I have made you feel unimportant. Although that would never be my intention, in this instance I really did make a big mistake and I am deeply sorry that I hurt you. I will give you some space to decide what you need, and I hope you will come back to me with strategies that may be effective in regaining your trust. I will do whatever I can (if you will) and if that is not enough then I will always regret losing you for my inconsiderate actions. I hope you can forgive me in time.” Then leave it at that.  You don’t get to be angry at them for being angry at you. Trust me, fighting fire with fire, is ineffective. An apology is a drop, try an ocean in terms of the words and the actions. Once forgiveness is granted, do not continue to apologise unnecessarily.

I hope this helps some of you in a more timely manner than it helped me! Lol

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Awkward timing for a Louis C.K. Quote.... but as this pertains to apologies and taking responsibility for your mistakes, maybe it is apt?

How to avoid drama?

Female friendship has this bad rep for drama. Matter of fact the reputation is generally with women in general full stop. Is this fair? Is this justly so?

I have worked so hard on myself to identify my own role in previous fractured friendships. It was put to me recently that this blog is nothing more than feeding the pain of fractured friendships. That I love to create drama and revel in the misery of it all?! who? Me?! Never?! Lol

Never one to shy away from the uglier reflections of myself, I have indeed pondered if I have an unhealthy addiction to pain that would cause me to use friendships as a way to somehow self-harm. Never the less this blog is something I stand behind and it remains a topic that I still struggle with and that I still feel passionate about. I do not write this blog because I know the answers, but because I wish to uncover them…. If answers exist.

Pondering this accusation- I have read back on all my posts and yet I still reflect that I have used it as a way to take accountability for the roles I have played in the breakdown of certain friendships and as a way to explore ways to try and be better. I would hate this to be seen as a way to play the victim and cast blame on all my former friends for the troubles we had faced.  In many, if not all the cases, I have concluded that I do not regret the closing of the friendship, but none the less I can identify how the things I said and did were unhelpful, short sighted, angry reactions instead of considered actions. I have tried to identify the things I should have said and the triggers behind these reactions, so that moving forwards I could be better prepared and in tune with myself and know the right things to articulate more calmly. Needless to say, recent events have shown I have not perfected this yet.... Sigh. 

If I haven’t done so already, I would like to publicly and openly express remorse for the negative ways in which any, or all of these friendships, came to a close. If it is any consolation, which it probably isn’t, I would only emotionally react if I still cared enough to. There was much love in all of the lost friendships in my life and each of you took a piece of my heart when my chapters in your stories came to a close. This is true regardless of who closed them.

Still, the accusation that I create drama remains, and so I wanted to explore it. I owe my exfriends, future friends, and myself that much at least. Especially given my new awareness and ability to identify triggers. In the most recent situation I found myself in – I could feel this coming from a mile away. I worked hard on swallowing the feelings. At taking away their power by naming them as triggers. By reminding myself and others that I knew the situation that was triggering me WAS NOT ABOUT ME. Yet, despite all of this I was unable to stay calm and once again allowed my emotions to make a slave of me despite my best intentions not to. I suppose this was in part because I received an apology before I was ready to stop feeling mad, (post on that to follow) and in part because there was so much more beneath the surface that was triggering the anger to begin with. Anyway.... 

I came across the following article on the Tiny Buddah website by Lori Deschene called “7 crucial steps to minimize drama in your life.” You can view it here. To summarise, not in the actual order of the article, it says.
Step 1,2 and 3 – Stay calm. Know that this wont matter in a year from now and it isn’t worth the anger or hurt. Act in a calm and positive way. Talk about the emotions being triggered not the actions triggering them. Don’t (Over)REACT. (Easier said than done, but I did TRY.) If you can’t change it, work on accepting it.
Step 4, 5 and 6 – Silence is golden. Stay in the present – don’t focus on the future or the past, negatively or positively. Focus on the lesson. Remove yourself from the person or situation.
Step 7 – Be slow to label something or someone as drama.

I tried all the advice I have come across to avoid this drama, and yet my emotions refused to be quelled or expressed in an appropriate manner. So, how can you actually avoid drama, especially if you are the one accused of creating it? Step 7 stands out the most. BE SLOW TO LABEL SOMETHING AS DRAMA.  Are feelings dramatic? At the crux of it I think yes; Feelings ARE dramatic. There is NO avoiding that. I am not a robot, nor do I want to be. I don't want my friends to be robots either! What we need to do is to surround ourselves with the type of people we feel safe expressing our emotions to and walk away from anyone who minimizes our feelings as drama. If it is true that you are so dramatic, then they should be glad to get rid of you anyway! So you’re doing you both a favour! Wouldn’t you agree?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

To the friend who got away

We are all familiar with the romantic concept of “the one who got away,” right? Can any of you relate to a similar concept with a friend? Maybe you thought you had great spark with someone you met at the park, but never had the guts to ask her for her number? Maybe you had a great work friendship that you felt had potential to expand beyond the office but you never made the effort before it was too late? Maybe you had a best friend in high school that didn’t last the distance but that you regret losing touch with? Maybe you had a great close friendship with someone that ended or faded away and you regret letting them go?  I do.

Maybe this is more accurate?!

If you can relate to any of this, then this post is for you…. But mostly this post is for my friend. The one who got away. I have no way of knowing if you still read these posts, but in my heart I feel that you do. I hope so anyways. You know who you are, I don’t need to go into detail about what happened between us…. Or even what didn’t happen between us. Not that either of us really know what exactly happened. Sigh.

What I will say is, the reason I know that you know this post is for you, is because we always spoke the same language. You always heard what I didn’t say, understood what I meant even when I couldn’t articulate it, and could predict my feelings about most things because you could relate. It is so rare to meet people like you, I felt like we were soul sisters in some way.

I so enjoyed and looked forward to our endless conversations about everything and nothing. My phone, and my life, are so quiet without you. I miss you. Our little code words for things, our in jokes and the complete trust, understanding and general lack of judgement that existed between us. I am so happy I met you, if only to know that other people like you and I exist, and I am not as isolated as I often feel, being so different to most people I meet. I guess this is kinda sad, but I still have those conversations with you in my mind, because so many things remind me of you. Although these things make me miss you, they still make me smile.

Sometimes I am so angry with you for walking away, because I didn’t deserve it, but mostly I am angry with myself for letting you go. I understand why you had to go. Because we are so similar, I probably would have done the same thing under the circumstances. I know you were in such a difficult position and I am so sorry that you found yourself there. I never wanted that to happen. I never imagined things would play out this way between us, or that you’d leave my life as suddenly and quickly as you had entered into it.

I know you are still confused by what exactly happened. One minute everything was fine, and the next it was over, you had to let me go, although you couldn’t articulate why, exactly. I heard you. At least you tried and I appreciated that.   A bittersweet painful goodbye. I have tried to understand your position and have compassion for you. I know you didn’t want to hurt me the way you did. I have been in your shoes and I know it wasn’t a decision you came to lightly. I forgive you, if you care. All I ask is that you recognize that your experiences of me didn’t add up to the judgements I feel you made of me in the end. That wasn’t fair.  All wasn’t as it seemed.  I know it didn’t make any sense to you, how I acted, so I just ask you to trust that I had my reasons and my intentions were good. It was never about you, our ending was just “collateral damage” - a term that will speak to you and spark recognition – if there was ever any doubt. I’m sorry my friend. I let you down. Please forgive me?

What is the point of this post? I don’t know. Just to let you know that I still love you, still think of you and miss you. That I replay things over in my mind and wonder if I could have… should have…. Done things differently. But I couldn’t. I too was in a terrible position. I didn’t know what my place was exactly, but I did know what wasn’t my place! Despite our deep connection, I knew there were things I could not say, and I knew you would NOT hear them. I was only trying to do the right thing and let you be happy. I hope you are. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a part of that happiness in the end.

I’m sorry you felt you had to go. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay. I wanted to, you see, but I knew you couldn’t, and I didn’t want to make it harder on you. I guess I just wanted you to know that. I’ll always hope to hear from you again one day, although I admit that is one conversation I cannot imagine.

Thankyou for being in my life. I believe you were meant to come into it, and although it was short and sweet, I’ll always remember it fondly. (Like that lemon cheesecake icecream I had once many moons ago. Nothing will compare, although I will always keep searching!) Although you are no longer in my life, I still feel less alone knowing you are out there somewhere. Part of me will always seek to find you, or replace you in some way, however impossible that seems.  I hope you think of me fondly too, despite it all. If not, at least do this? Please accept my apology and try to understand. I let you walk out of my life, but you’re always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Everything feels so unfinished…. Because it is.  Maybe this is too little, too late, but I hope we meet again. If not in this lifetime then in another. I will be ready, and I hope I will be better next time.

"In another life, I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away..." - Katy Perry

Keep Smiling

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Weighty Issues in Friendship

As someone who has always struggled with her weight, I thought I should write a simple post about how to best support a friend who is losing weight, has lost the weight, is gaining weight or gaining back the weight she lost. Or even a friend who you think needs to lose weight, regardless if she thinks so or not. 
 

Being a woman is hard. Being a friend, not so much! 

For a friend who has decided to make healthier lifestyle choices, and is struggling at the beginning:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you know she can do it. That you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the right choices for herself. Remind her that there is no time limit, and no race. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who has lost a significant amount of weight but who has plateaued:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you know she can do it. That you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the right choices for herself. Remind her that there is no time limit and no race. Arrange meet ups that are more active such as coffee in the park as you stroll rather than sitting in the coffee shop, or walking around the shops together. If she asks for advice, and ONLY then, suggest she switch things up a little, by making one small change such as cutting out the soft drinks, even the sugar free ones, or having dinner at breakfast time. Tell her not to give up on herself. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who has reached her goal and is feeling fabulous:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful, that you knew she could do it and that you are proud of her. Empower her to keep on making the best choices for herself and maybe even ask if she has any advice for others on how she stayed motivated. Do not feel jealous or threatened, and if you do, ask her for advice on how to improve your own situation. Do not sabotage her by encouraging too many bad choices “because she can afford a few kilos now.” Those choices are hers alone and should stay that way. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. Remember weight loss doesn't always make people magically happier, they still have issues, weight related or not. 

For a friend who is falling off the wagon and gaining back some (or all) of the weight:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful, and that you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and her ability to make the best choices for herself. If she mentions her weight gain (and only if she mentions it) tell her that you love and value her and reassure her that her weight doesn’t matter. Remind her that there is no time limit, and no race. Remind her she can and will start again when she is ready. There is no pass or fail, you can always try again. DO NOT MENTION IT IF SHE DOESN’T. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

For a friend who gained all the weight back, or never even started but you think she should:
Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and that you are proud of her. Empower her to believe in herself and make the best choices for her life. Respect that her priorities and feelings may be different than yours and remind yourself that weight and size don’t matter. They are just numbers, measures of size, not character. If she mentions wanting to lose the weight, encourage her, tell her you support her, and come up with aforementioned plan for healthier catch up choices not revolving or even involving food. Remind her that there is no time limit, no race and that if she wants to, she will, only when she is ready. Remind her the reasons she has to be happy, listen to her and ask her if she is ok. 

Haha, this made me laugh!

You'll notice I started and ended all the posts the same way. Because love, support, caring and listening are more important in friendship than things that can be measured.

For ALL your friends: Love them, support, encourage and empower them. Tell them that they are beautiful and help them find the best ways for themselves to see and believe that about themselves at any size. Believe in them and empower them to believe in themselves. That is where the true magic lies. That is the best thing we can do for each other. Do not mention a woman's size. She knows what size she is, why should it matter to you? 

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I don't know about being a tuna fish, and I don't even know about "no matter what" but I do know about loving, encouraging, caring, listening and  supporting a friend at every size, stage and wage of her life. 

5 reasons you may be a flaky friend, and how to be better.

1.       You say yes to every offer, maybe for fear of disappointing people or maybe because everything sounds so fun. You really believe at the time that you can attend the baby shower of one friend in the afternoon, get drinks with another before dinner, grab dinner with your posse and then a late night movie with someone else after, but it leaves you feeling stressed before you begin, you end up letting everyone down by being late to everything, cancelling at least one thing, spending most of your time on the phone at each event co-ordinating the next thing and creating a mutual feeling that nobody got your quality time and attention. No wonder you are exhausted and unmotivated!

2.       Although you feel anxious today, you feel certain that once you are out and about you will enjoy yourself. You hesitate to make plans for right now, but make them for the future. When the day rolls around you feel sick with anxiety and don’t want to go. Most of the time you cancel or just don’t show up, and when you do you spend the whole time feeling sick and wanting to leave. You yo-yo between feeling grateful your friends still invite you at all and resentful at them for forcing you to be social when you don’t feel like it. You usually end up pushing people away and then feel sad and lonely.

3.       You’re only flaky with certain people. If you like and respect someone, you will be on time and remember the plans. If on the other hand, you are less enthusiastic about your friend than they are about you…. Chances are you will easily forget the plans…. Or worse still… dread them! You won’t be motivated to get ready, you will be late and you will try and make as many excuses as possible. You usually try and get them to cancel the plans by saying how tired you are, how busy you have been and that you will have to leave early, hoping they will give you an easy out and you can pretend to feel bad, while you are secretly relieved. If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if you are actually trying to end the friendship via flaky behavior. If it’s not working a more direct approach may be kinder.

4.       You are super busy. You work fulltime, you have 4 kids, they have a million extracurricular activities, you have a big family with events most weekends and even some evenings. You hardly ever make plans because you are so busy and your friends start to feel you are avoiding them and constantly ask if everything is ok. When you do make plans almost every time something crops up forcing you to cancel, and when you do have time you feel like you can hardly call on people at the last minute, or that you’re so exhausted that curling up on the couch with a glass of wine is all you really want to do anyway.

5.       You’re an introvert. You would always rather be alone. Your job and your family exhaust you, and you need and cherish alone time to just recharge. You prefer seeing a movie or going for a walk alone. It’s not that you don’t like your friends, you’re happy to text or email etc… but you actually don’t want to catch up, or even talk on the phone. Communication and events are always at your discretion, in your own time when you feel like it. Honestly you feel like the world would be a better place if you were the only person in it.

TIP FOR BEING BETTER:

Think of other people and respect their time! The world doesn’t revolve around you, although I am well aware YOUR world does. Don’t make too many plans, remember the ones you do make, be on time. Do not make excuses. Let people know as far in advance as you can if you can’t make it. If you get asked to do something and you don’t want to, just say no. You don’t have to justify yourself. Let go of friends who don’t excite you and if necessary make plans that suit you such as movie nights at your place if you like to stay in. Invite people on errands if you are willing and able, such as to the dog beach if you are going to be there anyway or to the office for an hour for lunch which you’d be doing anyway and limits the time. If you prefer your own company, be honest with your friends. Tell them you can only handle one social interaction per week and explain that it may be a while before you see them again because you like a lot of space and can’t handle neediness.

You don’t have to feel guilty or like a bad friend as long as you go about being yourself and living your life in a respectful way.

If you find that you always seem to be waiting around for other flaky people and you find this frustrating, while blowing off the more reliable people in your life, it may be time to ask yourself if you have intimacy issues. Do you push away anyone who gets too close and chase after anyone who is cold and distant? Do you secretly not want to join any club that would have you as a member? Do you dislike yourself so much that you question and distrust anyone that likes you? Acknowledging the problem is the first step in getting help. Maybe it is anxiety, social or general and you may benefit from speaking to a qualified therapist? If so, go ahead and make an appointment. You might be glad you did. Your friends will be!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

What to do when a friend is pushing you away?

So many of us can relate to this one. I sure can. It’s a feeling, more than a fact. The friend in question casually acts like everything is ok, while pulling away emotionally and creating distance between you. It seems as if your friend hasn’t even noticed the drift, or doesn’t care, which only adds salt to the wound.

You try to be patient at first and understand what she is going through. You offer to help. She insists everything is fine and she is just “busy.” You get worried and ask her if she is feeling depressed? Her response makes it pretty clear that her main feeling is annoyed – at you!  You try to be patient, meanwhile sending her funny or cute texts or messages letting her know that you are thinking of her. She responds in one word answers, never immediately, if at all. Or maybe it's all niceties, but it's just words, never any action. 

You start to notice she is spending a lot of time with her other friends on social media, and things pop up about her life that she hadn’t mentioned to you. Of course she hadn’t, she’d need to actually talk to you! You press to meet for coffee and she reluctantly agrees, but cancels at the last minute.

You ask her if you have done anything to upset her, and apologise if you have. She assures you that everything is fine. It feels like you are going crazy! Everything is NOT fine, and she denies this???

The thing is – you are asking her if everything is ok with herself. It is. You are asking if she is upset with you. She isn’t. The reason you are feeling this way is because you are still offering up friendship and she is no longer reciprocating that. If she has other friendships blossoming, she hasn’t noticed a change in her life because her needs are still being met, albeit not by you…

You have picked up on this change because she is no longer meeting your need as a friend and it is triggering your insecurities that this is your fault, that you were not good enough. The best advice I have for you when someone pushes you away, is to go.

I know. That isn’t what you wanted to hear, however the general reason someone pushes you away is because they want you to go. For now anyway. They don’t want to say it and probably don’t have a very good reason aside from they have no need for you in their life right now. No place or no space.

You cannot force yourself or your friendship on people. The more you try, the more they pull away. People are entitled to their opinions of you, and you do not need to defend, nor prove yourself.

It plays out like this – the more insecure you become, the more needy you become, and the more needy you become, the less that person will want to be around you. Even if they do, it will be more like an obligation. Nobody wants to feel like their friendship is an obligation. Either way the friendship will end, and if you keep pushing things, it will likely be a nasty confrontational ending. I know you THINK you want to know WHY?! Honestly, you don’t. You are unlikely to actually hear any reasons and will only defend yourself. This is natural, but the whole conversation is unhelpful, and will leave you even more hurt and insecure. Do yourself a favour – don’t force it.

If you try to see it as the universe pushing you in a different direction perhaps, and expand your options, try to find other people to meet your needs, the angst, and anger will be much less. This leaves your friendship with your initial friend open rather than closed. You have not officially ended, which makes it easier, as times and things change, to “catch up” again in the future and resume your friendship as if nothing had ever happened. If you wanted to. If not, maybe that will be her Karma as she has to feel the insecurity that you initially dealt with.

It may feel like you are letting your friend get away with treating you poorly, which you don’t deserve, but what you are really doing is giving her the space she is quietly requesting. Respecting her need - which isn’t for you right now. And you are actually being much kinder to yourself this way too.

If you came across this post on Google or whatever, please let this be the last article you google. If your friend is pushing you away, like it or not, right now, she wants you to go. Don’t hand her a weapon and make her shoot you with it and then play the victim. Save your dignity and walk away, with love in your heart and hope that one day she will be back for you. You are awesome. Go find people who make you feel that way and stop wasting energy on this.

How do you do that? Stop looking at this one friend, and spend some time making lists of your other friends. Which friendships could you expand? Who could you invite out to that show next week instead? How could you make some new friends?

The helpful answers are most often in the future, not in the past, so try to stay focused on that!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

One for my online friends

My mum has a pen pal in Paris to whom she has been writing for many many years, since her youth. Over the years they have met in real life and maintained a long distance friendship, if you will. Although they still write to each other snail mail style, they also keep in touch digitally now too. Yet in a conversation where I mentioned a friend of mine that my mother had not met she seemed confused.

I told her this was my online friend, somewhat like a pen pal and she said “I didn’t know you had a pen pal?” You know what? That is something I love about my online friends. They are not connected to anyone I know in my life. They are not involved in any of the domestic duties, politics or other nitty gritty details of my life. What they are is there for me when I need to talk to someone. They have this uncanny ability to be impartial because they are somewhat removed from the situation.

They give me endless support, and advice I can count on because as the end of the day, they aren’t personally invested in the outcome. They truly just want me to be happy, and I do the same for them.  I also feel there is less pressure in online friendships. Although these are women I consider close friends, due to the distances and time differences, there is much more leeway for our separate lives to continue on. I wont be upset if I don’t hear back straight away, and they don’t get upset if I forgot to mention an important but insignificant detail in real time.

We tell each other what we want the other to know. We discuss our lives, but moreso we discuss our emotions and the situations we want to discuss. I feel like we are able to be more personal, strangely, because of the less personal nature of our connection. One one level, these women are strangers, and yet on another level I feel we may know each other better than any of the people actually physically present in our lives.

And even better perhaps, than the way my mother met her pen pal way back when, I have met these women on forums where we know we have something important in common. While most people in our lives may not share this interest or experience, we know we can count on someone to really hear and understand us on important issues close to our hearts.

They say when you are behind a screen you have the ability to be whoever you want to be, but I feel like these women are bravely being more themselves with me than they are in their real lives. Often with technology these days, although we have never met, I am familiar with the names and faces of their nearest and dearest, as they are with mine, and because we don’t catch up in person, there tends to be an ongoing conversation more than “catch up’s” per se, which is a nice quirk that can probably only really exist in the online context.

There are times when these women are the first ones I turn to, and I know they reciprocate that. One of these women has gone out of her way to help me source things from her homeland that I was unable to get for myself, and has even sent me a care package! Her friendship is a gift…. The type that keeps on giving!

Some people say that online friends are not REAL friends, but I beg to differ. These women have added immeasurable value to my life. While I do know there is much to be said for spending real quality time with friends, and we have often commented that we wish we lived closer, our virtual coffee dates are just as satisfying, and even better nobody has to leave the house or get dressed and we can chat whenever we have the time! Everybody wins! I vow to meet these ladies in person one of these days, and I look forward to it too.

Thanks for being in my life ladies! You know who you are! You are like angels, almost literally because I have never laid eyes on you and you have helped me through some big issues. Thank you for the time and effort it takes you to keep up our conversations, for sharing the best and the worst of yourselves with me and for being open to this online friendship with someone on the other side of the world! I’m so glad I met you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx