In the last few weeks I had a reader submit me a beautiful, but sad, poem. And I wondered how many of you might relate to this tale. My poetic understanding might be limited, however, my understanding of the context, was that a female writer, had a crush on her male best friend. (To be fair, I don’t think it explicitly used gender pronouns, but for simplicity’s sake, I am going to assume it was a he.) It wasn’t entirely clear to me exactly why, but it appeared that instead of confessing her feelings to him, she instead set him up romantically with her best female friend. They hit it off. And now she finds both friendships painful, as they openly adore each other and discuss with her how happy they each are with their new romantic partner. Ouch.
Personally I don’t think I have ever been subtle enough to conceal when I like someone. I have had several crushes tell me they believed I was interested before I confessed, usually just casually stating that they know I have feelings for them. I have had one or 2 people tell me I was very direct about things in expressing myself, and my husband always states with confidence that he knows I couldn’t live without him. So I only half understand the dilemma my reader finds herself in. However, being that I have a strong romantic attraction to women, who often do not have the same attraction for me, or for women in general, I still know the pain of watching someone you love, loving another.
What I cannot fathom, is not being able to discuss any of it with my best friend, because she is the one dating my crush. That would be a whole new uncomfortable realm of torture. Dear reader, thank you for sharing your heartfelt words. I am so sorry you found yourself in this difficult position, although it appears you did choose to put yourself in it. I am confused as to your decision making process, I admit, however, I am not any less sympathetic to your plight as a result.
Confessing a crush to a friend is a frightening prospect. If they reject you, will you lose their friendship? If they accept you, will your friendship survive the transition? If you break up romantically in the future, could you take the relationship to the previous level? Is there even any point in confessing, if you know for sure they do not reciprocate? I can’t answer these questions for you. Each situation is unique. I am friends with exes, and have lost friends I was never even involved with. It could go either way. However the main benefit of confessing is that everyone involved understands to be gentle with your heart no matter what.
You didn’t ask me for advice, dear reader, and I am glad in a way, because any advice I offer may not serve you. If you confess now, it may seem like you only wanted him after she had him. They may feel like you are just jealous, or pity you for feeling left out. They may feel resentful that you cannot be happy for them, or angry that you pushed them together and then seemingly try and tear them apart once they were happy.
I could tell you to distance yourself, if you haven’t already. It wouldn’t surprise me if you had, just as a self defense mechanism. But if you do this, and they fail to notice, it will only hurt more and shine a light on your place of lower significance to them than each other. If they do notice, and try to pull you back in, you will have to find reasons for your distance, or to confess.
However, maybe that’s not such a bad thing…. If you can actually find reasons to distance yourself to justify your absence. The best excuse people use is being busy. And while my last post expressly advised people to mind their busyness, maybe in your situation busyness is exactly what you need. A hobby, like this blog or some other form of content creation perhaps, to keep the mind focused on other things? A new social group, church, book club, class, job or activity might expand your own circle and introduce new friends.
Dating. Although your feelings for your friend run deep, true and wild in your heart, it appears for now that door has closed for you. The longer you stand looking at that closed door, the longer it takes you to see the open window. Could you put yourself out there romantically to see if you don’t develop a new crush. Preferably on someone who is not yet a friend and very clearly understands your romantic or sexual intent for the pairing?
Journalling. I assume you already do this, as it would seem you wrote that poem somewhere, and I can imagine you perhaps have many more among the pages of pain that are leaking from your bleeding heart. That said, each day, perhaps you could find one more thing to be positive about. This gratefulness practice trains the mind to look more at the positives than the negatives. While I understand toxic positivity, focusing solely on a painful situation like this can also be toxic.
Therapy. You reached out to me and I am glad you did. A problem shared is a problem halved. As the current conundrum involves 2 of your best friends, you could use someone to talk to. In part, that is why your words lit up my inbox, however I am not qualified to give you advice, which this isn’t, and I would love you to speak to someone who is. To help mend your broken heart. You matter. You are worthy.
Time. Even if you do nothing but grin and bare this situation, I hold hope that in time, your feelings will fade. You may forget a time that they were not an item or a time you had unrequited love. Or their romance may fizzle offering you a no less complicated opportunity.
Self talk, kindness and compassion. Remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities you offer, and that loving someone is not a crime, even if they don’t love you back. Remember to start redirecting some of those positive thoughts you have about your crush to yourself. You too may have a nice smile, a good sense of humour, or a special way with animals for example.
While these strategies offered are not advice, life has offered you a lesson. It is up to you to figure out what it means and how to learn it so that you don’t end up in this situation again in the future.
Meanwhile, you have talent, continue to use it. There is a Bon Jovi song “In these arms” in which the lyrics state “Baby I want you, like the roses want the rain. You know I need you, like a poet needs the pain…” You are already healing in ways you can’t even see by harnessing your pain and pouring it into your poetry.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope there is content here that helps you navigate this difficult time, in this post or past ones. You are not alone. So many of us know the pain of unrequited love for a friend. Thank you for reaching out so openly and honestly with such vulnerability. I hope you will reach out again as your healing and situation progresses. I hope you keep writing, regardless.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
