Sitting across from a dear friend over coffee, we lamented about how good it was to finally see each other in person. Much like everyone else in this day and age, we communicate frequently over the screens, but there is something so energizing about actually seeing someone in person. Their facial expressions, their voice, their use of body language, the way they might nudge you when they make a joke or pat the back of your hand across the table as you talk about something difficult.
We commented that we should make more effort to spend time in person, and how we sometimes forget how important it is to stop and make time for our friendships, when everyone is so busy and communicating via screens is just so much easier. This particular friend does take time out of her day most of the time to check in with me though, which is something I truly appreciate, and cherish, as more and more it seems most of my friends have become even too busy for an online chat.
Communication is limited to a quick question and answer, a meme shared and an emoji response. Social media is alight with quotes and memes pertaining to low maintenance friends, the types who can go for years without talking but then take off where they left off as if no time has passed and nothing has changed. If you are a regular reader of mine then you’ll know that I don’t subscribe to that particular brand of meme, however that’s not to say I don’t have these types of friends. I do. It’s just that I think my life would be very lonely if all my friendships were like this.
I am the first to admit that I am less busy than my peers as a stay at home mother to teens. That’s not to say I am at a loss as to how to fill my time, I can and do fill it easily. There are times I feel so busy and stressed I genuinely question how all you super mothers out there working full time manage it all! But because most of my friends do end up falling into the working mum category, with those who aren’t mums working extra jobs/hours and those who aren’t working filling many care roles for elderly grandparents, parents, and the youngest generations of their extended families, I have certainly noticed a trend towards busyness and productivity over coffee and connection.
This is a product of the society and world in which we live. I understand that people need to work, children need to be cared for, as do our elderly members, and I do not begrudge this. But gone are the days that we collectively care for each other as a village. That said, none of us can do it all alone, which means a really important part of friendship these days has become the ability to depend on a friend for help when required. You’ll know if you’ve read my blogs before I tend to end up feeling used and abused by friends who consistently call on me as part of their village without offering any time to sit and chat and connect or do something fun to strengthen our bond.
We live in a productivity positivity world, where people feel guilty for taking time out for something as indulgent as a trip to the cinema, and when such luxuries, when experienced at all, tend to be limited to romantic relationships for the much coveted date night. While I complain that people are using me to do them services and favours, others frequently report that despite having hundreds of virtual friends, they actually don’t have anyone they could ask at all. Maybe they don’t ask because they have no time to return the favour?
We spend so much time arranging a catch up for five Friday’s from now, that inevitably gets cancelled and rescheduled five times, that we have lost the art of reaching out and just inviting someone to pop over for an idle Sunday stroll or sofa session. And what’s ironic is if you ask any of these busy friends for recommendations of things to watch online, most will have several. Because what is everyone so busy doing on a Sunday? Sitting in front of several screens. Watching a series, whilst also writing up that work report on the laptop and scrolling social media on the phone.
We want to stay in, stay isolated, not have to rush around, to have the time to get things done. We need a day to make all our appointments that keep us busy the following week, to order the groceries to be delivered, to pay the bills, to plan when we will fit in a trip to the chemist or to put reminders in our phone to stop at the newsagent on Thursday after work to get mum a birthday card. To plan meals for the week and check the budget and do all the banking and transfers for the week.
But if we were more mindful of our time, we could achieve these things more efficiently and free ourselves up for that Sunday Sofa Session. If we spent less time phone faffing and scrolling when we claim to be busy, and less time sending one liners to each other, we might make room for conversation and connection again. We might realise how energized we are from this despite the lethargy we experience when thinking about it and our desire to do nothing. Do nothing together!
We are all so busy minding our own business, that we forget to take note of minding our own busyness. It’s ok to slow down sometimes, we aren’t machines of mass production. Connection is something we need every bit as much as we need water or money. People will think more, not less of us for the time we spend with them. For how important we made them feel by carving out some precious time for them.
Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you say no to time with a friend doing something that you do want to do. It is only going to cost you in the end. Make it your business to manage your busyness and prioritize people over productivity.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
