In the last few weeks I have had one dear friend admitted to hospital with influenza, one friend come down with a nasty case of covid and my own husband has had a series of colds, coughs and respiratory infections! Needless to say, winter has hit us hard here down under, and as fun and festive as Christmas in July sounds, it seems we are exchanging germs more than presents this year!
It can be a complicated situation, for example would my friend who was diagnosed as non contagious be offended if I wore a mask to visit her in the hospital? Should I cancel that coffee catch up if I have a tickle in my throat? Did Melanie pass the sneeze instead of the peas?!
Not too long ago, the prison where my husband works had a measles outbreak too, so when we both came down with a bit of a sniffle, we had to quarantine for 5 days to see if we came out in a rash. Even the doctor didn’t want to see me to run any tests until I was in the clear so to speak. Luckily it wasn’t measles, however I had already cancelled a dinner with a group of friends in precaution knowing one of them had a new baby grandson who was not old enough to be fully vaccinated at the time. The thought that I might pass the virus to my friend, who may then pass it to her grandson, or just be prevented from time spent with him was not worth the risk, so I sat that one out.
That’s not to say I have never ventured to a social setting when I was a bit under the weather, as I have! The general etiquette is to tell the other party or parties that you have a bit of a sore throat or nose cold and see if they would be more comfortable with you sitting it out. If they are willing to take the risk, or also already suffering, you may decide to be merry after all. It is also important to know your audience. Just as I knew my one friend had the newborn grandson, I am also well aware that I have one or 2 friends who are particularly germ phobic, and I would see fit to just go ahead and cancel on them in the first place, as I don’t want it on either of our consciences if they catch anything from me.
Which is a funny thing that has happened to one of those germ-a-phobes friends recently. She caught up with a friend who had just returned from an overseas holiday to hear all about the trip. She noticed during the conversation that her friend kept clearing her throat. When she mentioned it her friend said she hoped she hadn’t caught anything on the plane and they laughed it off. Neither of them thought too much of it…. Until a few days later when my friend became very unwell. She is almost certain she caught it from her traveler friend, however it’s not something you can easily prove or accuse someone of.
That doesn’t mean she isn’t upset about it though, because she is. Not only because her voice is an important part of her chosen profession, but also because this illness caused her to miss a very important event of her partner’s family. This was an event my friend had been talking about for months, had chosen several outfits for, booked accommodation, taken time off work and was generally very excited about. It held extra significance for her also, as it is not the sort of event she could celebrate with her own family. To say she was devastated to miss it is an understatement.
Getting in touch with her traveler friend, who also confirmed her diagnosis, my friend was fuming that she had been so careless as to attend a catch up when feeling unwell without a heads up. To be fair to traveler, she probably doesn’t know just how germ phobic my friend is, but the common courtesy is still to tell someone if you think you might be unwell before seeing them to allow them the choice to risk it or not. This person was aware of the family event for my friend in a few days…
That said, my friend is well aware that there was no malicious intent. Had she known just how unwell she was and what she was carrying, I like to believe that traveler would never have made the fateful decision to meet up in the first place. She very likely didn’t even realise she was coming down with anything, until my friend mentioned the throat clearing at all. However, you’d think after learning that she had the same diagnosis of my friend and that they had gotten together earlier that week, she may have thought to put 2 and 2 together and said “Gosh, I hope you didn’t catch it from me? I’d feel terrible?!” or “Oh dear, have I passed it to you on Monday do you think? I’m so sorry!”
Instead, when faced with the facts, she very casually brushed it off with a joke and told my friend that there will be other events in the future. Whilst I am sure this is true, and was also not ill intended, it also offered no sense of accountability and at the same time shut down my friends feelings about missing the event like she was over reacting. Maybe traveler actually thought she was over reacting, truthfully. But we don’t get to tell other people how to feel.
The whole thing has left a sour taste in my friends mouth to go along with the illness she is also now suffering. It has left my friend feeling uncared for and questioning their friendship as a whole. Not just because she contracted the virus, but due to traveler’s lack of accountability, apology, compassion, or care.
While I am sure my friends feelings will fade as she recovers and time moves on from talk of the family event she was excluded from, I also have an inkling the friendship might fade too. Trust has been broken, and foundational flaws revealed. The health of the friendship has taken a hit. They shared more than they bargained for this time.
The moral of the story? Think twice before you share, about what exactly you might be sharing and who you might be sharing it with. What the consequences for them will be. Give your friends all the information they need to make an informed choice and if catching up with you is a real risk, just make the decision for yourself and don’t take it.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
