In the last few posts we looked at venting versus emotional dumping. This is a topic I am relatively familiar with, because my own therapist would tell you, I have a tendency to try to rescue people. This means I can more easily blur the lines between friendship and therapy. However, despite all the memes we see about our best friend saving us thousands in therapy bills, there is actually a big difference between a platonic relationship and a therapeutic one.
Obvious advantages of a therapist client relationship include, but are not limited to, professional boundaries, code of ethics and behaviours, professional certified knowledge, objective and relatively impartial. It’s not that they don’t care about you, they do, it’s more that they don’t care about your relationship with them, if that makes any sense? They don’t need you to like them…. Although I am guessing if you actively disliked them, you’d get yourself a different therapist, so maybe that’s not entirely accurate.
While we are talking about a therapist and their role in your life, to provide guidance and support, it differs from friendship in that they offer little of themselves. It is not a reciprocal arrangement, and they are paid for their time and expertise, whereas a friendship, you would hope, is rather opposite. Unpaid and very reciprocal.
That isn’t to say you shouldn’t turn to your friends for guidance, advice and support though, because these are also natural parts of platonic relationships, so it can be hard to know where to draw the line, and recognize when someone is too close to give you the impartial advice you might need. Similarly the advice giver can also lose sight of what is fact and what is their own opinion… and often there might be big discrepancies between the 2 things. Examples might include how one person believes a child should be raised versus how another person believes a child should be raised, or if one person believes a dessert to be too sweet, while another does not. Often in life there are more opinions than facts, and we need to keep that in mind before following anyone’s advice.
I have written a piece in the past that was wildly unpopular about the differences between friendships and family, attempting to highlight that our friends might be less invested or less impacted by the outcomes of our choices and therefore at times able to be there in a higher capacity than our family. That friends can be more objective. But of course a therapist can be the most objective, which is why they exist.
ie, not objective!
Because I have found myself playing friendship counsellor a lot over the years, I know that I care about my friends, and I want what I believe is best for them. That doesn’t always align with what they believe is best for them or what they are ready for. I also know that I care about preserving our relationship, which means I often know what they want to hear, or what they are likely to do despite what I advise them, and so can end up just going along with their narrative, or being too soft with my delivery because I sense they are not ready for what I have to say.
I am also familiar with friendships that inadvertently become one sided. Not necessarily because my friend doesn’t care about me, but because they haven’t even realised they don’t know me really at all. When I listen so much, and allow the conversations to focus solely on them and their lives, they feel seen and heard. People generally like feeling seen and heard, and will gravitate towards that energy. It makes you feel close to a person because that person makes you feel good. However when all you like about someone is how they make you feel, it might be time to stop and ask yourself how you make them feel. Do you actually know how they feel about anything going on in their own world?
This is not supposed to make you feel bad, if you think you might have been accidentally bonding with your bestie in more of a therapeutic than platonic sense. We all go through hard times and we all need a rescuer friend from time to time! It’s more of a reality check to make sure you aren’t drowning them instead of letting them help you, and that you are still checking in with them to show not only that you appreciate the support, but that you want to reciprocate that to them.
In some ways I think maybe I am a rescuer because I have lived a wonderfully uncomplicated, sheltered and comfortable life. Sometimes I even harbor guilt about this easy existence of mine, when listening to the struggles of others, and sometimes I wonder if I am somewhat living vicariously. My therapist tells me that it is a defense mechanism used to keep people at a distance and I have learned to make myself small to get others approval and make them like me. Maybe it’s both. But it can also be hard for my friends who genuinely want to support me, when I am not really in need of any big support.
Of course, I have friends with whom I talk more than I listen, and friends with whom I listen more than I talk. Most of those dynamics also shift as life goes on, with one of us needing to talk more depending on circumstances. The question for me, or perhaps for my friends, is how to show up for someone and be a good friend when they don’t seem to need anything from you?
The answer is simply to show up. To make the time. Friends are fun, so make sure we are having some. While I am happy to sit on your couch for hours and listen to you, make sure next time you are planning something fun, my name is on the invite list. Because that is a big difference between a friendship and a therapist… you don’t hang out with your therapist. You don’t go catch a movie, or go see a stand up comedian with them or invite them on a girls weekend. They aren’t there for the good stuff, and while you probably do mention it to them, they’re really there for the hard stuff.
We often leave therapy feeling a bit drained, processing all we spoke about, taking in the advice given to us. We should leave friendships and time with friends feeling lighter, fuller, more energized and refreshed. We should leave smiling and be making happy memories. A friendship is more balanced than a therapeutical relationship, it’s like a see saw that goes up and down with the changes of life but leaves both people enjoying the ride.
Friendship might be a form of therapy, I believe it certainly makes life happier and more fun, but don’t confuse the 2. If you need therapy, pay a therapist, if you need a fun Friday, phone a friend!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
