Recently a dear friend of mine expressed frustration with me, as it seemed to them that when I had to cancel plans, it always seemed to be their name on the chopping block and not the other things or people on my regular schedule. I completely understand this criticism as I have at times felt this way myself about other people in my circle.
It is never a nice feeling to observe the life of a friend and conclude that everyone and everything else are prioritized over you, and salt is only added to the wound when you feel you do prioritize them over other things and people in your own life. I certainly wouldn’t want to intentionally make anyone in my life feel that way, as I am aware that others in my life aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me either. But it does hurt to feel this way, and for your friend to feel this way when you feel powerless to do much about it.
We can only see things through the lens of our own perceptions. And even when I tried to explain to this person that it was by no means personal or intentional, she couldn’t unsee what she felt she had seen. Felt being an important way to describe “her truth” because as much as it feels true to her, it feels untrue to me. So where is the truth?
The truth is that I wasn’t planning to cancel our plans, I know we have a standing arrangement and I do my best to honour that commitment as much as I do any other commitment. There are some, that I feel more responsible towards, like my agreement to take an elderly resident out of their home on a Monday. It is something he looks forward to and may not get out at all if I don’t take him. He isn’t my family, he is just a friend, but even so, it plays on my conscience, so I have only cancelled on him 2 times, once when I had to transport my parents to the airport and once when my daughter was too unwell to be left on her own.
This happens to be the time of the year where I also get quite busy with birthday getaways and events, as I am not someone who likes to have a party with many friends at once, instead preferring to see each friend individually and spend some intimate quality time with them. So at the end of the week, I had a commitment to a loyal friend who has planned a girls getaway for us to celebrate me. As this was planned months in advance, I had no intention of cancelling that for anything that wasn’t urgent.
This also happens to be the winter school holidays here in Australia. Which means it is the best time I have to take the children to their medical appointments, hair appointments, dental appointments, shopping for new clothes, to get vaccinations, and to do anything fun they want to do to spend quality time with them. As they are teens now, that is fewer and further between than ever before. Added to this, one of my closest friends is a school teacher. This means that this is also the time she has available for social activities and running her own errands like medical appointments, getting her washing machine and car serviced, and travelling.
It just so happened on this particular week, being school holidays, my friend and I had made plans twice these holdiays. Once each week. We went to a ballet on the first week, and I had agreed to collect her from her car service centre the following week, spend the day together and take her back to collect her car later. In this instance we booked an escape room to play, talked about getting a pedicure, and decided to go out for lunch at the casino.
If you’re following this story along, you’ll know that meant I had my commitment to my elderly friend on Monday, the escape room with my teacher friend on the Wednesday, and the girly getaway on the Friday. None of this clashed with my frustrated friend. I see that person on Thursdays as a general rule. I took my daughter to the hairdresser the week before, and at that appointment she requested some colour in her hair. Not a problem but the hairdresser didn’t have time for that today, so we would have to come back next week. We were offered Tuesday or Thursday, and I chose Tuesday on the basis that this also didn’t interfere with my Thursday with my friend.
However, when I got home my son asked me if I could book him a dentist appointment. I am also due for my check up, so I called them to hopefully book us in on the Tuesday. But wouldn’t you know it, they could only do Thursday afternoon. The school holidays are ending. My son has tutoring once a week after school, and works one or 2 shifts at his part time job, so it is easier for me to book in the school holidays. I should not have left it so late. It was on my to do list, but I forgot about it, and now all they could offer me would mean I would have to choose between the 2. My friend and I did not have tickets to an event or anything set in concrete, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem to just cancel and see her next time. I thought she would understand.
She didn’t. She felt hurt I chose everyone but her. Didn’t cancel someone else instead. But the dentist offered me her day, not anybody else’s day. And hers was the only flexible one. I did not feel it was fair to assume that I had room to move other people and things, nor was the expectation that I should cancel a million other things and reschedule everyone else so I could meet with her reasonable.
All that said, it wasn’t just this one specific cancellation that has triggered my friends frustration with me. She is a mother herself and knows all too well the responsibilities that come with being a busy parent. I know this. What I don’t understand is that this friend also cancels on me with some amount of frequency, as she is also very socially active and has various clubs and meetings and friends to catch up with. To be fair, she does usually ask me if I can swap a day to still see her, which I would have done too, had I had a day I could swap myself. But I couldn’t.
In similar circumstances, when I was on the other side of the coin, that particular friend and I decided that her life/schedule had outgrown our commitment. Meaning she wanted to keep it up, but was really overcommitting herself, and as a result letting me down frequently. So maybe that too is the answer here. Maybe I need to tell my current friend not to expect to see me over the holidays, not because I don’t want to see her, but because my schedule gets busier with the things and people I have less time for during the terms. Although she will be let down to hear this, that will only be once, rather than repeat offending.
Outside of that, I will have to be more mindful of making sure I do my best to show up. That I understand her life is quieter without me in it, and acknowledge that I’m blessed that she loves me enough to miss my absence, and was vulnerable enough to express herself. I really didn’t think I was cancelling often, so I will start to keep a record for myself to be accountable. Because while the other side of the coin isn’t personal, it feels personal and I care how I make my friends feel.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
