Do animals count as friends?

My mother-in-law is her own person. She does what she wants, when she wants and isn’t shy about stating things or doing things her own way. She does have friends and she is a lovely person, but it is fairly obvious to all of us that the true friends in her life are her pets and her plants. They are her happy place.

Pets certainly do have their advantages and similarities to friends. They are always there for you, no matter what. They are loyal and loving and they expect nothing more of you than the basic necessities and any scraps of love and attention you have to offer. They don’t get upset that you only play with the hose when you were watering the garden anyway, and they typically don’t hold a grudge. Well, mostly. My cat doesn’t speak to me for a few days if we go away for a night! Haha

Pets are great listeners and they hold all your secrets in no questions asked. They are great at calming people down, and sometimes even save our lives with their heightened senses. They let you cuddle them when you are feeling sad, and they bounce off your energy when you are excited, nervous or happy.  Most of them love to dine with you too.

Another advantage is of course, that pets are always available. They don’t have their own social schedule or commitments, when you feel like company – they are there ready and waiting, and when you don’t, they are just as happy to sleep in their favourite spot in the shade. Added to which they cannot call you out on your bad habits! It is hard to let a pet down, and even if you do, they quickly forgive and forget.

People are not like this, they are not always available, they do have wants needs, expectations and feelings, that they will make your problem! But this is not all bad, because they will also offer advice, offer practical assistance (which your pet wont unless you have an assistance pet I suppose?) and they offer conversation. Like it or not, verbal communication is the human way, and without it life would be a very lonely place.

On the less good side of pets, they are extremely needy and dependant, they can be just as demanding as humans, and more often than not they struggle to take no for an answer! Not to mention that they can make you feel just as guilty with a look if you don’t fill their every whim!

I understand people are close to their pets. I understand that many people think of them as children, companions and best friends. A dog is even called man’s best friend and there is good reason for that. However, I think a person would be lonely, not to mention socially stunted if they only had pets for friends.

Human relationships are as rewarding as they are complex and even complicated. Pets may be the easier option, but the easiest option is seldom the best. We need other humans to challenge us, to teach us to be better, to laugh with and to share human emotions with. To talk to and to listen to. To feel part of a society is important for mental health.

The number of human friends you can handle might be small, and the amount of animal friends you can handle might be much much larger, however one is not better than the other. Do animals count as friends? They certainly do, but if you are using them to hide from humans, I’d be asking yourself why and trying to branch out a little.

While pets are more predicable than humans, and they can be trained, and controlled, and disciplined, you have to ask yourself why you value that so much if you generally dislike people and tend to stick to pets?!

Let’s not forget the saddest thing about pet friendships either, which is that we tend to outlive most of them and painful goodbyes are no less hurtful from animals than people.

Both can bring people great joy, and both can break your heart when the time to leave comes. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Both are rewarding and special in their own unique ways. Both have merit.

So, yes. Animals do count as friends. But I recommend both for the happiest life.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Growing Pains

Last week we celebrated Halloween, and in that post, I referenced how scary it can be having a best friend. Much of it probably felt like it was aimed at a younger audience, and maybe it was. But in part of it I refenced the fear of growing up, growing apart and growing away from your best friend. I would have thought those things were only for younger people too once upon a time, however life has shown that to be wildly untrue.

We never stop growing and changing, and so these growing pains are things we must deal with at almost every stage of life. It starts when you are young, yes. As you start forming intense friendships, discovering who you are and friendships are pivotal in your life. These years are filled with angst and drama as we navigate who we are and who we want to be and associate with. We cling to the idea that these friendships will be with us for life, yet only for a lucky few is that actually the truth.

I do have friends from high school, and even one from primary school! But certainly, over the years at times our closeness has wavered, sometimes we have been distant friends, other times very close. It all seems to depend on the season of life and the circumstances each season brings. The 30’s are especially tough on friendships as they fall down the priority list in favour of life’s more consuming aspects, such as partnerships, work life and children. Many say the 40’s are only marginally better as you add aging relatives into the mix too. So far so good though, touch wood! Haha

The thing I have noticed about growing pains over the years is this. At any time, somewhat suddenly, life takes us in opposite directions from our friends. You have children when they don’t, then when you start getting some social life back, they have kids that take them away again. They start a new job and move to the country, fall in love and move internationally, take up a new hobby in triathlons that has them training and competing excessively, or any other number of life changes that suddenly make them seem way less available than they were 5 minutes ago. And although it happens over and over, with different friends, and the same, it never seems to get any easier.

The beautiful thing about friendships is that we care. We love our friends and they are paramount to our happiness, so when life puts obstacles and distance between us, it can be hard to handle. It hurts. It can hurt as much as losing that friend entirely, although they are still there. And it is hard and uncomfortable to discuss. Because we want to be happy for our friends, but we also feel sad for ourselves.

I have a friend who is talking about packing in her job and moving to the country. It might be just what she needs for her physical and mental health and reaching her future goals. I know my friend is a bit stuck and worn down and in a rut. I want her to do what she needs to do for herself and I am so proud of her bravery to just make a major change and see what happens. Although we are close, we are different in this respect, she is more carefree than I am. I am more rigid preferring plans and routines that stay the same.

When she told me this plan, and that it was already in motion, I was shell shocked. I couldn’t believe she was making this huge decision and we had never so much as discussed it. Not that she needs to run her life by me, but if I were planning something so big, I would have mulled it over for months first with everyone I know. We are different like that, I know this, but it still shocked me! Then as the exciting news settled in, I started to question what this would mean for our friendship. Our weekly catch ups would be no longer, it wouldn’t be convenient for her to catch a movie or meet for dinner.

This particular friend has usually always come to me, rather than us visiting with her. The simple truth was dropping in to our place was no longer going to be convenient for her, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage to find the time to visit her either. My kids are not young anymore, but they’re also not totally independent either. So, while my friend had romantic visions of me coming to stay for the weekend and soaking in the hot tub with champagne, I knew my responsibilities and obligations here were unlikely to allow that plan to come into fruition.

Added to that I felt overwhelmingly jealous of the friends who would still be able to visit her. The ones who do not have kids and have all weekend to themselves to spend with her. Or the ones with kids whose partners don’t work weekends. Or the ones who share similar work hours and availabilities. It seemed as though this season was bound to bring those people closer in her life, and create more distance between her and I.

And it felt totally like a period of weird grief I was experiencing. Although my friend was still there and still reassuring me, I even had weird dreams that I knew when I was going to die and how, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not to be dramatic. I will not die without my friend, but it felt kinda similar, you know. The inevitable ending, and just watching, waiting for it to happen. And so, I did the only thing I could do. I sat my friend down and we talked it through.

Nothing changed in that conversation, she was still going and she still had romantic ideals about how it would all work out. But she was also able to hear my concerns, validate my grief and I was able to express to her both my gratitude for the time we have spent and my fear for how I would cope with this change. She was able to reassure me that if it is important enough for us both then we will make the effort. At the end of the night, I felt peaceful. If and when she goes, I know I will feel the loss. But I needed a moment to feel those growing pains in order to accept the change and process it.

Then, because I like to feel in control, I decided she is right. If it is important to me, I will make effort even though it would not be convenient, and I hoped she would too. That it is only over if I let it be over, but also that part of not letting it be over was accepting my friend needed to do this for herself and that I needed to support that and stop making it about me.

Growing pains never stop hurting, but as we learn to deal with them instead of running away from them, we grow with them, and so does our friendship. Worst case scenario is that my friend and I are not so close for a few short years until I have more freedoms as my parenting responsibilities lessen and then I make the effort to see her, just as she has made the effort to see me all these years. And as she gets closer to those other friends, not to mention all the new ones she will make, I have to remember my own life will continue on too, because closeness comes and goes, but if you’re lucky, that connection sticks through it all.

Sometimes we need to allow people the space to move away, to grow in their own direction and just hope it grows back in yours one day, and wish them well if it doesn’t.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

6 reasons why your best friend is scarier than Halloween!

Well folks it is that spooky time of year again, when we dress up as zombies and give away sugary treats to the scariest kids in the neighbourhood. Even better if you have a best friend to co-costume with (check out last year’s ideas here!) and share in the sugar. But sometimes having a best friend is the scariest thing of all. Here is why!

1. They know what you look like, not to mention smell like, first thing in the morning, without your hair and face products. They know you; warts and all, your inner demons… and Halloween ain’t got nothing on those!

2. They know all your secrets, and nothing but good vibes between you are stopping them from revealing your inner truths to all and sundry. You hope things stay sweeter than the Halloween treats between you, or things could get ugly fast!

3. They are not tied to you in any way. Ok, unless your best friend also happens to be a sibling or a parent, this person could leave you one day and how would you cope without them? They are the only person who knows how to cheer you up on a bad day, or always knows, (without saying,) what you will order from the menu. Sometimes someone who knows you so well they can see through you, is the scariest thing, because they could act like Casper and ghost at any moment, and you just have to trust that they won’t!

4. They might change into someone you don’t like anymore. This is real and it happens, but usually you grow and change together, while still allowing yourselves the freedoms to explore individuality and try on different personas as the years go on. Believing in different things, or not sharing similar interests or values don’t have to be deal breakers, as long as you don’t pressure each other to be the same as one another, or not to change at all. Try to love each new person your friend becomes, even if you don’t always like parts of them.

5. They have expectations of you! Friendships are our first non-familial bonds where we learn to think about others and show we care just because. This is a wonderful reciprocal thing, but then sometimes we stuff up and let them down, because they expected more of us. It is scary knowing that they have expectations of us because that guarantees eventually you will have conflict and need to resolve it. One of the scariest things on earth for some people!

6. They hold us accountable. Sure, friends support you and lift you up and celebrate you, but they also let you know when you’re being selfish, unreasonable or shady. And seeing a less than pretty image of ourselves in the eyes of others is terrifying, but especially in the eyes of people we trust, value and respect. Ironically, facing our flaws and self-improvement is only made better by their support though, so don’t shy away from critique if it comes from a good place and know that the tables will inevitably turn.

Everything in friendship is a two-way street. The longer you ride together, the more unknown doors you’ll walk through; monsters under the bed you’ll be scared of; skeletons in closets you’ll discover, and ghosts from long ago you’ll encounter! Having a best friend is scary because you care so much!

So, enjoy your Halloween sugary treats together, enjoy the experience and have fun dressing up and roaming the streets, but more than that, pay tribute to the fact that your friendship is both one of the scariest and the sweetest parts of your life!!

Read this post 3 times and it will be 666 – the devil’s number…… SPOOKY?! Hahahaha Rolls eyes. I tried!

Happy Halloween Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Left on Read.

Last week I posted about being a bad friend. In one of the points, I talked about forgetting to respond to friends’ messages. This week, I wanted to explore that further and address the pros and cons of instant messaging technology and expectations around it.

The technology was created to meet demand. When it was first introduced, we loved the ability to be able to contact our nearest and dearest wherever they were whenever we needed to. In emergencies it was wonderful to be able to phone someone if you had a flat tyre, or needed immediate help. And initially that is what we used it for. Then, slowly over time, mobiles became the main hub of communication. First people stopped having land lines in preference of mobiles. Then they were able to send text messages, take and send pictures and emails, host social media, and all of a sudden everyone is connected to everyone else all the time.

And while you would think this would make our connections stronger, it sometimes has the adverse effects. For a start it gives people constant access to us, and us to others, at times when we may actually not really be accessible. It created the pressure and expectation of instant responses. And while that is a major selling point of the devices, it is also one of the major pitfalls too. Isn’t that ironic, Alanis?

We used to call landlines and leave a message on an answering machine, when they were invented, and wait patiently for a response. If we didn’t get one, we assumed they either weren’t home or forgot to check their messages and we would simply call back later. If it was an emergency, we called places we thought they may be, and got a group of people involved in tracking them down! Haha Now, however, we can see when they have read the message and how long between that time and their reply has lapsed. Adding a further layer of controversy, we can even see if the person was online not replying to us in the meantime! Talk about insult to injury! Haha

First of all, I would like to state that these things are not always accurate. My mum messaged me when she thought I was online. I replied a few hours later and she said she saw me online when she sent the message. As I was very stressed correcting my son’s maths homework, making dinner and rushing to get fuel and then get my daughter to gymnastics, I was not at all online I assure you. So that is my first point.

My second, is why should we be important enough to interrupt a friend’s important work meeting, or relaxation bath or time with family or other friends for example? Are people not allowed to be unavailable to us? Are they not allowed to get back to us in their own time? We really need to check our expectations here for instantaneous responses. Even if we feel we need one or it would’ve been simple for them to send a quick yes or no, for example, we actually have no idea where they are or what they are doing and maybe lose sight of the fact that our communication was not a top priority for them in that moment.

I am writing this, in part, to hold myself accountable for this mistake as much as anyone else, and take responsibility for the fact that I sometimes take it way too personally if a friend leaves me on read, especially if I see they have been online, despite my knowledge that this is not always accurate. To remind myself that it is ok that sometimes other things are more important for my friend than me.

It serves as a reminder also, that it is so easy to read a message and then get distracted and forget to reply! Honestly it is. You think to yourself you just have to pop to the bathroom quickly before you respond. When you are in the bathroom, you notice you are low on toilet paper and need to add it to your list. When you return to your phone it is still on your friend’s message, but you close it to quickly add toilet paper to your shopping app before you forget.  When you close the list, you see you have an email or a Facebook notification and just like that you have forgotten all about your friend’s communication.

I get it. It happens. Maybe you don’t remember until the next day, and you know your friend will be a bit upset because you know they spoke to you and you left them hanging. So, you do the right thing and apologise for forgetting, admit you got distracted and things move along. However, there is an unwritten timeframe you have to recover from this faux pas. Every day that passes that you still don’t remember is silence to a friend who is trying to be patient while waiting for a reply. And silence sends a strong message that gets ironically louder each day it goes on.

The first day your friend thinks you were busy at work and you will get back to them later, after dinner when you wind down for the day. After that they justify that you fell asleep early, or had to work late and didn’t get a chance to respond, and they will definitely hear from you by the next day. When that also doesn’t happen, they start to read over their message. Was it offensive or insensitive in some way? Have they upset you? Are you deliberately ignoring you? The next day they are mad. How dare you just leave them on read like they aren’t worthy of a response. You spoke to them and they completely ignored your communication. Even if they forgot to reply, are you not important enough to them to even have crossed their mind this week to jog their memory?

Now, both parties have to take responsibility here, because often, the person who forgot feels bad and doesn’t know how to approach the conversation now that they have left you on read for a week, they are embarrassed and ashamed and they know they have hurt you. If this happens to you, own up to it and apologise. You do owe them an apology. If you are the waiting party, why did you keep waiting? Why not send your friend a reminder message saying “still waiting for an answer in case you got busy and forgot?!”

We need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other. People forget things, and people get hurt and upset by things. Nobody is inherently bad because of this miscommunication. Our expectation for instant replies is part of the problem, as is our constant busyness. We both need to work on making our communication meaningful and it means remembering to give each other the benefit of the doubt. That I understand you didn’t reply because you got busy and you forgot and it wasn’t that important to you, and I will forgive you if you own up to it and apologise and try to do better in the future.  

Let’s try and do our best to think the best of each other and not the worst!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ten signs you are being a bad friend, and how to be better.

Have you wondered to yourself if you are a bad friend? Or worse, been outright accused, judged and sentenced for the crime? Despite your best efforts, do you always feel you are letting a friend down? Honestly, human nature makes us all selfish or self-involved at times. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. However, if this is a pattern or a persevering insecurity, here is a list of 10 traits that may make you seem like a bad friend, and what to do instead!

Friendships are important to us all and nobody tries to be a bad friend, we all want to consider ourselves and our friendships good, even if all of us are guilty of one or two of these things. The issue is when you recognise yourself or your friend in ALL the traits, in which case, maybe send them the link to this article! Haha  

1. You never ask how they are.

Ok, I have a friend who will tell me how she is without me even needing to ask, but for the most part, this basic way of showing you care goes a long way. Particularly if that friend was experiencing something major in their life at the time you last spoke. Even if you are like my friend, and pretty open with how you are, do not make the mistake of thinking everybody is the same. Take the time to ask your friend how they are, how their family or important people are, how their relationships or work is, and leave space for them to answer.

2. You don’t listen.

Maybe this should have been point number one, because if this is you, chances are you don’t remember if your friend was experiencing something big last time you spoke in order to follow up now! You may think that you are listening, and asking all the right questions, but if you don’t listen it will be evident pretty quickly.  I had a friend who listened to me whinge about a situation I was in for at least a year, and supported me when I finally made the change to remove myself. I spoke about this at great length and my friend said all the right things, and remembered to ask about it at our catch up’s. However, a while after I removed myself, I mentioned that situation again in casual conversation and my friend was perplexed and surprised saying she had not realised the key reason I decided to remove myself. It was clear then that while she was hearing me each time, she wasn’t actually listening. And now that I know that about her I notice all the time ways in which she isn’t actually paying attention to me, but rather thinking about what she will say next or something else entirely. Listen closely enough to your friends that you have a full understanding of what they are saying, ask relevant questions, and remember the details, even if you need to put reminders in your phone to help you out!

3. You make all conversations about yourself.

Sometimes this is an innocent mistake. Your friend experiences something and wants to share it with you. And because you are listening, it really resonates with you. So you share the story about the time it happened to you, and before you know it, in an effort to relate, you have stolen the conversation and your friend is not venting anymore, but listening. At best, you can catch yourself and bring it back to the friend by saying this is what I thought and felt, and did, what did you think and feel and say and do? At worst, while trying to relate to your friend you have actually shut them down and indicated that you are not a safe person to talk to. Make sure all conversations give both people room to speak and share. Or only one of you will feel connected and you may be oblivious to the fact your friend isn’t and equally surprised if the friendship ends.

4. You cancel at the last minute all the time!

We all have an emergency or unforeseen issue from time to time that makes us need to cancel plans at short notice. A sick kid, a vehicle issue, a headache, or a meeting that runs over time for example. These things are forgivable and understandable. As individual occurrences. That said, should your kid be sick, then next time your car wont start, then the time after that you have a headache, followed by a meeting that runs late, you better believe you are going to have friendship issues. Face to face time with our friends is important and it takes equal investment from both parties to make it rewarding. Even if all those things genuinely happen, your friend will be questioning your investment if every other thing was more important than them. Because you make time for what is important. You uber over if your car wont start, or ask them to pick you up instead, you tell your boss you can’t work late because you have important plans, or you take a paracetamol and get on with it. Because showing your friend they are important to you is just as important as saying they are.

5. You never initiate contact.

I can be totally guilty of this one at times. Sometimes it is genuine insecurity that the person in question doesn’t want to hear from me. But those insecurities are normally brought on by the other factors on this list which have sent me the message that I am not, or friendships in general are not a priority for my friend. Other times we just get lazy. I know I have one friend who reaches out to me almost daily. I love that she remembers and thinks about me and I don’t have to worry because she will initiate. However when I have that attitude I rob her of the opportunity to know that I care and I thought about her too. Friendships are reciprocal, which means you should be equally invested and each feel equally welcome to initiate. What to do? Initiate contact. Just say hello, let them know you were thinking of them. Ask to arrange some time together. It’s pretty simple.

6. You forget to reply to messages or invitations.

So you have a friend who always initiates, and you love that they do because you are always so busy and stressed that you would never see them if they didn’t take control and pin you down? Except when they try, you forget to respond, because, well, like you already said, you are always so busy! You meant to respond, but just had to quickly dash to the loo first, and then you got distracted and left them on read for a week? Let me tell you that this will not be appreciated. Even if you genuinely did forget, you were important enough that this person approached you and tried to engage, and they were not even important enough to remember to respond to?  It is the equivalent of someone walking up to you on the street and saying hello, and you stopping to tie your shoe, then just walking away from them without a word. Now we all know how intrusive phones can be, because they interrupt you at times when your friends typically wouldn’t be able to contact you before. I am an advocate of replying in your own time. (More on this topic coming soon!) But make sure you do respond in a timely manner, or shoot a quick message to ask you again later as you are busy right this second and unlikely to remember.

7. You never make the effort.

This can be a culmination of all the factors. Maybe you don’t listen well, don’t ask how they are, remember details of their lives, talk about yourself constantly, let them initiate, only respond half the time when they do and flake often. In which case, you are sending your friend a pretty strong message that you are only interested when you have literally no other options and they should probably invest elsewhere. But sometimes it isn’t that simple. Sometimes this means that they are the one who always has to book the restaurant, or drive or bring the movie snacks. Maybe they are the one who always has to suggest time together or it will never happen. Most people will let this slide initially, but after a while they will become resentful that it always somehow feels like they are chasing your time and attention. Like you are more important to them than they are to you. A grand gesture once in a while goes a long way, but consistent effort is the only real solution to this one. And if your friend honestly isn’t as important, maybe it is time to let them go so they can find people who do value them as highly. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

8. You Phub them.

Ok, so you do listen and you do remember the details and you do initiate contact and show up when you say you will. But then while you are there, you are glued to your phone. You have to be present when you are present and your friend has to know, has to feel that presence from you in order to feel connected. Put your phone away and engage with your friend. If you find yourself struggling to pay attention or losing interest, wondering what that latest buzz might be, remind yourself that your friend and your friendship is equally as important and you don’t want to have a phone addiction…..

9. You’re too competitive.

If your friend just bought a new car and you hear yourself listing all the reasons why your car is better than theirs, or if they got a promotion and you find yourself thinking that you still get paid more than they do, you’re probably too competitive. Remember friendship is team work, working toward a common goal, supporting one another to get there, not a competition or comparison to make you feel better about yourself. This can work in reverse too, maybe your accident was way worse than theirs or your bills are way higher, so they have nothing to complain about. Same thing but backwards. We listen, support, congratulate and lift our friends, working with them, not next to them or against them and they are entitled to their successes and failures in their own right too.

10. You make them feel bad about themselves

I guess this one goes without saying really. Light hearted banter is one thing, but if you are always taking it one step too far and upsetting your friend then stop it immediately. If you put friends down, to their face or to others behind their backs, this says more about you than your friend. Misery loves company, so maybe it is jealousy or discomfort, but whatever it is, do not make it their issue. If you don’t have anything nice to say or do then don’t say anything at all. I remember the time a friend started wearing scarves, and I laughed in her face the first time and said she looked silly in that scarf. That was over 10 years ago and it still haunts me, because it was unkind. And I suspect I was jealous because I didn’t have the confidence to wear a scarf. Now I do and I love them! It just wasn’t nice. Be kind!! Always.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Should friends hold one another accountable?

I’m certain I must have mentioned by now my love of trashy reality tv shows, right? So, it should come as no surprise that I was watching Love Island UK a few weeks ago, and one of the disagreements between the characters stuck with me.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, it is a dating game, where they put attractive young singles into a summer villa and make them pair up in the hopes of winning a prize at the end. Usually, the people they couple up with initially are not the people they are still with at the end, so there is a fair amount of competition between them for the desired love interests. What happened in the episode that stuck with me was this….

Toby was seeing Kaz. But then Chloe came into the game and he ditched Kaz in preference for the new girl. Him and Chloe got fairly serious, until Abi came into play, at which time he had to choose between Chloe and Abi. As he was discussing this with the boys, I believe there was footage of his mate Hugo saying that Toby couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. That he couldn’t expect the girl he didn’t choose to wait around and still give him a chance. Each time the couples had to recouple, there was a ceremony. At this particular ceremony, Toby chose the new girl Abi, and effectively broke Chloe’s heart, not to mention humiliated her. Hugo was quick to come to Chloe’s defence, saying things along the lines of the fact that Chloe deserved better than that. He recoupled with Chloe; however, she rejected any romance between them and he consoled her over Toby. Toby was outraged and never forgave Hugo for calling him out and holding him accountable in front of the group. He said Hugo never shared his opinion to his face. I actually think he did, but we may never know for sure.

My question is, does a good friend hold you accountable, and does circumstance matter? I got the impression Toby wouldn’t have been able to handle the negative feedback regardless of the public forum. In his eyes, it appeared to be a question of loyalty. If Hugo was a loyal friend, was it his role to simply keep his opinions to himself, and offer support no questions asked? Hugo had different ideas, thinking that a good friend does hold you accountable, so that you can acknowledge mistakes, learn from them and grow into a better person.

Should loyalty be blind? It clearly comes down to mismatched values between the 2 people involved. One valued honesty and growth, and the other valued unconditional support. The incident affected how each man saw his friend; and neither of them were particularly impressed with what was seen under this new light. Their friendship never really recovered.

I suspect both players actually had a point, and loyalty and accountability can coexist. Toby’s point was that Hugo should have pulled Toby for a private chat, and expressed his concerns in a gentle concerned manner. The way he did it publicly served to humiliate his friend and in effect, he did actually choose Chloe over their friendship. As he had romantic intent toward Chloe, even if she didn’t reciprocate, this perhaps clouded his judgement and made him a bit more judgemental.  However, Hugo also had a point that Toby was unwise, and unkind to treat Chloe the way that he did and he should not have blindsided her with that rejection publicly either.

In most situations, when a disagreement occurs in a friendship over something not directly related to the 2 people involved, both parties actually have made mistakes that need to be owned and acknowledged, or there is no real way forward. I do think it is a friend’s place to share with you their opinions and tell you if something they do or say doesn’t sit right with them, however I also think that once that opinion has been aired, they should not expect that advice to necessarily be taken. In this situation Hugo obviously had torn loyalties as he was close with both players and he found himself in a difficult predicament. It isn’t unusual in these situations for the person in the difficult position to feel forced into choosing a side. Certainly, they are within their rights to do so.

Say for example Toby had been married to Chloe and having an affair with Abi, after starting his relationship with Chloe also as an affair on Kaz, Hugo would be within his rights to say that those values do not align with his own, and Toby was not the kind of person with whom Hugo would like to be friends, although the behaviour didn’t impact him directly, it did not sit well with him to support this kind of activity.

I have found myself in Hugo’s position twice. The first time I confronted the friend in question about shady hurtful behaviour, and she too questioned my loyalty. In the end, in that circumstance, I did choose to remove myself from the life of the person who’s values and behaviours no longer seemed to mesh with mine.  The second time, I tried to hold the first friend accountable and they were not interested in my feedback. Having learnt my mistake from the first encounter, I did not push the issue, However, knowing that the previous incident had brought up questions of loyalty, I also felt I could not warn the other friend about what was happening behind their back. So, in order to be loyal to one friend, I was effectively not being loyal to the other. This didn’t sit well with me either, and eventually I chose to exit the situation with both people, which was sad as I lost 2 close friends.

So maybe I am wrong. Maybe loyalty and accountability can only co-exist when you are holding the person accountable for behaviours, they have done to you personally and reserve feelings and judgement on how they treat others? What I should have done, and maybe what Hugo should have done too, is say to the other person privately “I love and respect you, I don’t wish to lose our friendship, but your behaviours and choices are putting me in a very difficult position and we need to discuss this and find a way around it.”

Usually though, the person is going to do what they want to do, and they are likely to minimise your thoughts and feelings in the matter anyway, and basically proclaim that you have no right to feelings or opinions about a situation doesn’t involve you directly. So honestly, I think you have to decide what is more important to you, choose, even if that means taking sides, and know you chose what was right for you, regardless of what was right for them.

If however, your friend has done something to you directly, then you absolutely should hold them accountable, just do it in a way that lets them know you want to reconcile the issue and work towards the common goal of a healthy connection again, because accountability does make us all feel vulnerable and judged, and we all need to know our friends still love and respect us, even when we mess up!

What are your thoughts and experiences on this? I’d love for you to share them!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The friends who know you sometimes better than you know yourself.

We are all familiar with the media depictions of the best friend characters who are inseparable, have a very long history and they know and fit each other like gloves. I like to think many of you have friends like this too. More often than not these characters know one another better than each know his or herself. For example, one will know that the other will be late to his or her wedding because he or she is always late, even though the person themselves swears they will definitely not be late to something like a wedding. Something always happens to justify both plot lines, doesn’t it? Like the person was running early but then they get trapped in a fire and arrive late or whatever other unlikely thing gets in the way!

The reason we love it is because it is fantasy and it fits in with the illusion that people can be neatly categorised into one box and will never move far outside of set expectations. It sells the idea that long term friendships exist and that with that consistency comes a deep understanding of someone. And of course, the idea that friendships never end, which is definitely fantasy. However, sometimes you do meet a rare someone who does seem to know you better than you know yourself, or at least better than you would expect given that you are not lifelong inseparable friends who grew up together on a farm etc…!

It may not be because of your deep connection, maybe some people are just exceptionally intuitive. Perhaps they read body language better than most or are simply more observant. But these are the people who seem to know when you are not ok. When they sense things are “off” with you despite you trying hard to conceal whatever inner turmoil you are experiencing. I have written before about the power of a friend who hears the things you do not say, and these are just the friends I am talking about.

Perhaps what is magical about them is that they seem to be paying attention. They tune in to your energy and look past what you are saying and doing. They want to understand you and help you, if only you will let them. We don’t always do that. Sometimes these people scare us and we push them away, preferring to believe the image we present to the world that all is ok. Other times we may deny the issue, or minimise it insisting we will be alright. While this is true, the process would probably be quicker if we open the door and let them in. After all, only a select few even knock to begin with.

I have a friend like this, and it took me a very long time to start opening up to her. Yet, with relative consistency and patience, she pulls out of me the things I dare not say out loud. She does not ever judge me, always listens with an open heart and mind, even when her own plate is full, which it most often is. I know because she shares with me too in such a beautifully unrestricted way, that it gives me permission to do the same.

And the interesting thing is, the more I lean in to this friend, the more I let her in, the more in tune with her I become as a result. The more I start to intuitively sense that I need to reach out to her. The more comfortable I become with initiating conversations at random without invitation, the more we share. And suddenly it is clearer when she is venting and when she is at breaking point. Or when she is excited or confused or overwhelmed.

We have a tendency to assume everyone else’s problems are worse than our own. And to be perfectly fair and frank, her problems are worse than mine. Which is why it means so much to me that she puts them aside for a moment to make space for my seemingly small woes and encourages me to see value in my own voice as much as anyone else’s. That she can ask me to talk about what is on my mind before I am consciously aware that anything is on my mind, or before it festers into a mountain when it could have stayed a molehill.

In return I try and turn her mountains back into molehills, or at least prevent them from becoming active volcanoes.

To my friend who knows me better than I know myself emotionally, thank you for taking the time to tune in to me and to notice when I am not ok even when I am trying to be ok. I don’t know how you read me so well, or how you read everyone so well. But I do know you are worth your weight in gold and I don’t want you to have to sense it, I want to tell you how much I love you and how valuable you are to me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Phubbing!

Last week I wrote a heartfelt post about a close friend and my feelings over her eventual path into motherhood. At the end of the post I made a joke about the time and attention that she currently offers, that I share with her phone!!! Haha Well, just after I wrote it, I came across this article on “Psychology Today” dated 28th June 2019, titled “Do You Phub The People You Love?”

Initially it caught my attention because I did not know what ‘Phubbing’ actually is, so I wanted to know if I do phub the people I love! Haha In the “Google Dictionary” from Oxford Languages, Phubbing is listed as “the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.”

Guilty as charged…… sometimes anyway. I would be downright lying if I said I never did this. Just the other day while I was out with my lovely mum, we arrived at our destination and she sat there silently for 5 minutes while I sent a message to a friend. Then after an altercation with the staff at our destination, I sat for another 10 minutes composing an email of complaint to the company involved. So I definitely am guilty of this sometimes.

However, I do like to think I do not do this to excess and I do try to be present with the people in my company most of the time. (I admit it gets greyer when the people in my company are the people with whom I live… to be honest we all do this to each other probably far too often. However when home is your downtime place, it can be hard to set those limits as to when it is connection time and when we each need that time to zone out from one another.) Back to my point, specifically with friends.

Friends are the people with whom I have chosen to spend my precious time, and who have equally chosen to spend that time with me. While I will admit to checking my notifications briefly, when in the company of friends I try to only respond when it is important and ignore the rest until later. Because I know how it feels to be phubbed on a regular basis, and I admit it phRubs me up the wrong way. So much so that I have spoken to my psychologist about it.

My psychologist; the one I will never tire of telling you drives the BMW, haha, tells me it is ok for me to ask my friends to put down their phone and be present with me. I have at least one friend who holds this expectation of me, so she serves as an example that this can be achieved. I guess I just feel sad that I should have to ask, and reluctant to embrace this technology ban knowing I too at times need to access my phone in the company of a friend.

Now if we go back to my earlier example of time with my mum, I explained to her that I was responding to an important message from a friend, and shared with her the circumstance of why it was important, so she understood and felt more actively involved in the experience. Later on she knew I was emailing a complaint and she was in support of that action. However, the friend in question from last week’s blog knows this is an issue for me, and she does not stop, perhaps despite her best efforts.

What bothers me most, is that she usually is not responding to something urgent. As a matter of fact, she is usually not responding to anything or anyone, at all. Her faux pas is usually playing games on her phone. She does this while we watch movies in the cinema (if she is awake!) She also does this while we sit and chat at my house. She does this at the nail salon, even if she only has one available hand!!! Now, I am fairly sure this particular friend has ADHD, undiagnosed, and therefore cannot seem to control this impulse to do something with her hands. I try to be understanding of this, and to her credit, she does seem to remember things I have said when she was seemingly distracted.

But what I do know, is, for example, this friend has found herself somewhat excluded from a group friendship, in large part due to the fact that she does not wish to participate in the incessant daily chats and messages from the group in question, claiming she cannot be tied to her phone all day. And I also know at least one member of the group has made comment about her constant use of the phone and made comments that hurt my friend when it was discovered she was playing games in the company of the group.

What perhaps she doesn’t realise, is that her friend making the comment was also hurt that rather than engaging actively, my friend was choosing to be on her phone. I actually think that is part of the reason my friend was more drawn to group settings than I am…. Because she felt it was more acceptable to phib a large group, when everyone had others to interact with instead of her. Kind of a way to feel included, without actually needing to be present. I guess she was wrong.

On the face of things, it really is insulting to disengage from conversation – in person, or particularly online, and claim you cannot be tied to your phone all day when we all know you never put the damned thing down! Lol

However, when I speak to my friend about it, she explains that in her job she is needed to engage all day with people, after work hours she is still expected to be on the job mentally with emails and tasks coming through, and often she is scrolling new ideas to bring to work. When you take into account her career is of upmost importance to her, it makes sense. Added to that, with the aforementioned ADHD, she is often online shopping, planning trips with the family, booking dogs into daycare, buying and selling things on community webpages and looking up new recipes. Her mind just does not stop.

Therefore, the games help her distract herself from a busy mind, so that she can focus more on what is being said around her. Because they are kind of mindless, and yet still feed that need to not be still. Being still means sleeping, and she will often even use her phone for that too, playing whale sounds, or watching videos, to allow her brain to fully turn off. Without a diagnosis and medication, I do not forsee this problem resolving itself.

So I have learned to deal with the Phubbing, to accept it and know at times I am just as guilty. And sometimes it does mean I am more engaged in the screen than the person I am with, Maybe that is a heads up to them to be more interesting?! Haha (That was a joke y’all, relax! Haha) Sometimes we make plans and we see those plans through, but when we made them we didn’t know we would start dating someone between now and then and it would be too intoxicating to ignore. Or that our aunt would be having a crisis etc…..

I think we all need to accept phubbing is here to stay along with the technology that brings it, however we all need to be both accountable and aware, as well as forgiving, and understanding. If the phone is someone’s coping mechanism, then maybe it is ok to pull yours out too? If you can’t beat em, join em? Haha I am off to play spot the difference! Lol Catch you next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your best friend is expecting?

Last week I wrote about all the ways you can expect your friendship to change when your friend is pregnant and you aren’t. This week I wanted to follow up with a more personal recount from someone who isn’t expecting, but someone who was once and who has been there. The benefit of my experience may help you as I hope it helps me now… I was the first among my group of friends at the time to get pregnant and have a baby. While it was an exciting time, being the first one was tough. Nobody really knew what I was going through. None of them really understood or related. They were all still living life as it was while I was taking a path unknown to us all.

Of course, they were behind me all the way. Trying to stay beside me on my path while their own verged off in different directions. Some weren’t too far behind, and I got to be the friend that they could relate to, while others were happier to travel the world and not settle down as such. But as much as they tried, motherhood took me into a whole new life I was relatively unprepared for… and a whole new world filled with all new things.

While those friends still wanted to talk about dating and weekend plans, all I had to contribute was the latest poop or feeding schedule. If I did manage a social outing it was a movie at mums and bubs, which let us feel like we were still people with lives, although we were all too busy with babies to see any of the actual film. It isn’t a surprise looking back that many of my pre-baby friendships didn’t last the distance.

Yes, I used this twice (once last week and again this week) on purpose to show how it is applicable both ways.

Now I am blessed with a pre-teen and a teenager, and finally am enjoying friendships, a more active social life to an extent, and the kids are old enough to stay up late enough to attend parties, if we have to bring them. Social freedom tastes sweet. Many of my closest friends at this stage are in the same position, and the excitement about the light at the end of the tunnel is palpable amongst us all.

However, along the way, I have become close in particular with a single childless woman. This woman has helped me raise my children and been there for me in the trudges of motherhood in unexpected ways. She is a natural mother, mothering me, my children, her nieces and nephews, the children in her field of work and her fur babies. However, as chance would have it, she has not been blessed with children of her own, and she longs for one. My heart honestly aches for her. It is in the essence of her being, she was born to be a mother, and yet, her journey has not taken her down that path. It is not a lie to say I want more than anything for my friend to fulfil her dreams and become a mother.

However, I can’t lie, I have wondered how it will impact our friendship when she does become a mother. Even thinking about it is tinged with a sadness for me. I will miss her. That is not to say that I won’t support her. I will, of course I will. I owe her that much. She has helped me and been there for me with my children and I hope to love her children just a fiercely and actively. However, just as I walked a different path from my friends at the beginning of my pregnancy journey, she will walk a different path to mine. Her world will be filled with new mothers and baby movies, while I am talking of travelling and date nights!

She will no longer be available for our comedy nights or escape rooms or shopping trips. No longer will she come here and help the children with homework while I prepare dinner or casually stop by after work. She will need me to be the one going to her. Listening to her talk about poop and feeding and sleep. Helping her with the baby so she can tend to the endless washing. Wrangling the dogs so she can manage the pram. Showing up at her house with coffee so she can sleep through our girl’s night in, face mask and all.

And I have to admit, already I mourn the life we have now, although we still have it. In many ways I want it to end because it is at her expense if it doesn’t. I will not be happy if she is not happy and she will not be happy without a baby. Whether she will be happy with one, remains to be seen. Because I have been there, and I know it has some dark days. I am not filled with joy at the prospect of going through it all again, even if it is vicarious.

However, on the bright side, at the end of the day, the child, and most of the burden will be her own. I can feel the kicks on the outside, not on the inside. I can help for an evening and return to my freedom. I can support her knowing how hard it is, without assuming responsibility for that sacrifice. And I know her journey as a working mother will be so different to my own. In some ways harder, in many ways easier.

Our friendship will change, and I expect that change. That is what I expect. But the onus is going to be on me to still make her life happier and easier as she has done for me. The onus will be mine to make the connection meaningful and to be forgiving and understanding when she does not have the time and attention to give, or to wish her well as she ventures onto this new world and hope she finds me again when the smell of freedom finds her again in 10 years or so!

Meanwhile all I can really do is continue being as supportive as I can be, while making the most of the time I have left with her undivided time and attention, well, the time and attention I share with her phone that is…. Maybe it won’t be so different after all! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your Bestie is expecting; and you’re not!

Last week we talked about new parents and tips for them to make new friends. But what about when your friend is on that journey without you?

You can expect this post to be long, and if you can’t be bothered reading it until the end, then you can expect that you might not be patient enough to make your friendship work!

So, your friend is expecting, and you are not…This subject can be a particularly delicate and dividing one. It is especially tender when you wish to be expecting but for whatever reason, you are not. The jealousy and resentment that results can be crippling, and it is a difficult situation to be in. If you are suffering this particular type of pain, I truly am sorry. Your pain is real and it is valid and it matters. It won’t be easy to stay good friends unless you really can be honest and empathetic towards one another. I hope you can.

However, this post isn’t about that. This post relates to the fear that some friends suffer when they learn a close friend is having a child, and how things will inevitably change. And they will change, which is why you need to know what to expect. I know, because I was the first among my group of friends to become pregnant, and more recently, I face the prospect of a close friend getting pregnant as my own children reach a much more independent stage of life.

Posts I have read on the subjects are heavy with emotion and typically not well received.  The person who is not having the child is generally labelled selfish and his or her fears about the friendship are minimized. They are said to be immature and unsupportive. If you are the friend who fears losing your bestie to his or her pending offspring, I feel you. Your pain is also real and it is also valid. And the bad news is that I can’t promise you that your friendship will last, sadly.

However, the good news is that it is up to you whether your friendship lasts the distance and how close you and your bestie remain. Because things are going to change, that much is certain…. So you are going to have to change right along with them… Some of these changes will be challenging, and will require you to start thinking much more about what you give than what you get in return.

So, what can you expect? You can expect that you will hear from your friend less, and when you do hear from them, most of what they have to say will be about the baby. They will be unlikely to be able to string a coherent sentence together, for a few reasons. The most obvious one is lack of sleep. Mix that with new brain chemistry and hormones, heightened anxiety and responsibility, not to mention the constant distraction and interruptions you are going to learn to expect, means that you might end up feeling a little invisible and frustrated.

It goes both ways!

Your friend still loves you, and they still care about your life. However, they hardly have time to focus on themselves and their own life, so you will need to be understanding that they cannot fill from an empty cup right now. This new being has become their life, and your friend is more disoriented by this change than you are, trust me! If you think you miss nights on the town and brunching because your hangover means you don’t rise until noon, you have no idea how much your friend misses those things too! The difference is that those things are still possible for you, albeit with different people, while for the foreseeable future, sleeping in past 6am is no longer a possibility for your new parent friends.

You can expect to swap talking for listening. You can expect to stay in rather than go out. You can expect to offer to make them tea, although you are the guest at their house. Bonus points for bringing the hot beverage with you. And food. You can expect nights in past bed time to include them falling asleep or catching up on housework, or any combination of both. You can expect to give much more than you receive.

You will be expected to bond with the baby. Even if your friend knows you don’t do babies and even if they acknowledge that you feel a little jealous and pushed out by them right now. You can’t beat the baby because it depends on them for life, and their life depends on it living, so what is it they say? If you can’t beat them; join them. The more invested and interested you can be in the baby, the closer you will be as a friend.

I know from experience how powerful it is to feel the bond with someone who bonds with your child. I also know from experience the hurt and disappointment a mother can feel when you don’t show the level of interest in her child as she hopes. So while you might be rolling your eyes inside and thinking “a talking human, alert the media” as they excitedly tell you all the new words in the child’s growing vocabulary, a better way to bond is to be excited by this change and make jokes about how you can now teach it hilariously inappropriate new words. (It is unwise to follow through on this though!) Similarly, you will be expected to fiercely care about any adversity the baby faces and do all you can to assist, no matter how inconvenient it is.

Which brings me to my next point. You can expect to be flexible. Leaving the house with a baby or child is not as simple as leaving the house as a child free adult. There is a multitude of packing and planning that has to go into it now, and much of the time it isn’t worth it to new parents. They feel more comfortable staying in the place that has all the things they need, because wow do small humans need a lot of things. So that translates loosely to the fact that while your friend would love to catch up with you for lunch, and it seemed like a good plan when they said yes, when the day arrives and the baby is extra fussy and didn’t sleep, chances are your friend is going to cancel.

This isn’t personal. But if the baby doesn’t sleep in the pram, and then they miss their naptime, your friend’s whole day maybe even days will be ruined, as the baby will be unsettled for a long period of time. It is really important that you expect and accept that none of this is about you. If your friend is ok with the idea – you can always be agreeable and offer to bring lunch to them. However they may also just want to catch up on much needed sleep. So unless you are prepared to watch the baby so they can do that, you might have to get used to the idea you wont see or hear from your friend much for a few years.

I know that can make it really hard to keep a connection alive. It can make the friendship seem really one sided and unrewarding. I hear you. Because it is. The good news is that this is temporary. Your friend will surface from this in a year or 2, maybe 5, when you account for siblings and the number of years before the child starts school. So, if you can think of it like an extended break, an overseas holiday for example, that perspective might help.

You can expect your friend won’t share the same hours as you anymore. If they take the first year off work for example, they will be available in the times you are at work. Then on weekends, chances are they will have extended family they want to share their baby with. This will mean you will be less of a priority. The reason for this tends to be because a mother, the child’s grandmother, for example, is generally more helpful, and equally invested in the baby as your friend. Visiting with them makes your friends life easier. Their parents probably don’t ask them for much conversation, but do tend to the baby so your friend can rest. Not to mention extended family and cousins that the baby may interact with.

You can expect both of you to make new friends. Your friend is experiencing a powerful life change, and it will be normal and important for her to bond with other people who share that experience, and as her life moves forward, their child will continue to bring new friendships into their life. So, you will have to learn to share what limited time is left. Naturally you will also gravitate towards people more available to your schedule too. This can bring about raw and heavy emotions in you both as each of you may feel insecure of these new connections. You can expect to trust and encourage each other in this new phase and feel secure that you will come back together again.

When I reflect on the friendships I have now that I still had before children, and I admit there are not many, the friends that lasted the distance kept showing up. No matter how distant I was or how disinteresting I was. They didn’t demand too much of me, and they showed up to my house consistently. If you keep showing up and finding ways to be part of your friend’s life, you can expect to stay friends.

Only you will know if it is worth showing up for. There is no right or wrong answer. I don’t blame the friends who walked away or drifted off when I didn’t have much to offer. But the ones who kept showing up earned a special spot in my heart. As did the new ones who started showing up. And when it was their turn, I kept showing up. I was flexible. I made allowances. I listened to boring baby talk, vented about parenting, bought cute gifts, remembered and followed up on occasions and appointments. I babysat while they slept, I brought food and did dishes. I tolerated long periods of space and flakiness and didn’t make it about me. And slowly over time, conversation started widening again, occasional nights out became more frequent, and play dates were a new regular.

What to expect when your friend is expecting? Expect to fit into their life so that you are not excluded from it. That choice is yours. It will not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

7 ends for parents to make new friends

Last week I posted 8 ends to make new friends. This week I wanted to make a specific one for parents knowing their needs are somewhat more specific at this stage of life. That doesn’t mean someone who isn’t a parent couldn’t benefit from some of these ideas, or that someone who is a parents couldn’t benefit from last week’s post. If you are looking for ideas to make new friends, please read and heed both!

Parents group

If your baby is still in the early stages, before they are walking or talking or interacting with other babies, then parents’ group might be the way to go. Most parents get invited to these groups and all you have to do is show up. It is usually hosted in a community centre near a health nurse and the first few sessions might be facilitated as you make your introductions. Then the onus is on you to start making plans to keep on catching up out with the sessions. It may seem awkward at first, but before you know it, these are the people you turn to first as they are often first-time parents and just as isolated as you might feel. Their babies are generally the same age and stage too, which gives room for discussion that will grow and change as the children do.

Play group

If you missed out on parents’ group for some reason or if the friendships fizzled instead of sizzled, and your kid is not quite in school yet, playgroup is a wonderful community activity to get the kids out of your hair and to mess up a different space than your home for a change. With the added benefit that there are other mums there too helping with the setting up and clearing away. Sometimes busy hands make conversations easier, and as you wash the morning tea dishes you might find yourself comparing notes on dishwashers, home life and so much more. Before you know it, you could be grabbing lunch together before nap time.

Your kids’ friends’ parents

If you happen to be a parent of school aged kids, let them do the footwork for you. It is inevitable that they will want to spend time with friends outside of school, and as a result of this, you will probably at least meet their friends’ parent. This can be a great starting point for a friendship! You already have one very important thing in common in your children, however if you wish to stay friends, regardless of your children potentially growing up and growing apart, I recommend you expand your friendship beyond the kids. Start small by sharing a coffee when you drop off and pick up, working towards playdates in the park where you and they chat while the kids play. During this time, you should explore other topics of interest you could connect on, and when enough rapport has built, try a get together without the kids.

Friend of a friend

Sometimes you know two people who don’t know each other, but you think they should. So you introduce them, right? Similarly, if you let your friends know you are in the market for some new friends, they may be able to suggest someone they know who they think you would get along with well. All you have to do is to be brave enough to ask or to have that initial conversation and the stay open to any avenues that open up from there. Initially you at least both have a friend in common which means you both have excellent taste. What else you have in common you could ask your original friend, or bite the bullet and ask the new person. A gathering involving your common friend need only happen once then you are off to a flying start already – if you are brave enough to go it alone!

Online groups or forums

If your part of the world is still locked down and ravaged by the global pandemic, perhaps leaving the house for social activity isn’t safe for you right now. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t still find others to talk to and connect with. Now that we live in a digital world, the internet is your oyster. There are endless parent groups, offering suggestions of venues, comparing products, or forums with concerned parents sharing their woes…… Even if it isn’t parenting groups you seek, however obscure your hobby or passion, there will be a group for it on the internet. Whether you seek a therapy-based support group or a toe fetishist group, you’ll find likeminded people out there willing and waiting to welcome you. And the best part is that often the chances of meeting these people in real life is slim, so you can be exactly who you are without fear…. Or maybe who you want to be instead…

Public transport or the dog park or the local shop

I remember when I was young and I worked at the local supermarket. I had a few regular customers. As we chatted every week while I scanned up their shopping, I got to know them. One of them asked me to dog sit their dogs while they were away and another invited me to his school ball. All I had to do was to be friendly and interested and make connections with people based on us consistently being in the same place at the same time, even if it was for different reasons. I hear so many stories these days of paying it forward, kindness of strangers in shops etc…. quickly repaid with a coffee could spark a friendship based on kindness and a shared love of the same cleaning wipes!

On a cruise or other holiday.

Ok, this is far-fetched right now, and not within everyone’s reach… But personally, I love cruising and when it was still possible to cruise before the pandemic, my husband and I made a few friends on cruises. You are both in the same place for the same time, and free of schedules meaning it is easier to socialise and share meals and drinks and leisure time with people than it would be in everyday situations. Make the most of the holiday spirit and bring home friendships as well as memories and mementos. Cruises are especially good for parents as they offer the kids club meaning you can actually socialise child free while the kids have a great time playing together in fun supervised activities!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Eight Ends to make new friends

1. Work

Now we are getting into a situation where you may have nothing more in common on the surface than the fact that you each work for the same boss. That said, sometimes we spend so much time at work that we end up knowing these people just as well, if not better than our actual friends and family. The problem occurs because we spend so much time with these people already that we don’t think it is necessary to expand then beyond that capacity. Why would you want to see people you work with when it is family time and you see those people more than your family? Because you won’t always work together most likely, so if you like them, you must get used to seeing them outside of the office. You’d be surprised how much you might learn about them that just wasn’t obvious in the work setting.

2. Voluntary work

If you don’t have children or much of a social schedule, maybe animals are more your thing? Fantastic, why not contact your local shelter and see if they need any assistance? Most charities thrive and rely on the work of volunteers with passion, commitment and dedication to the cause. As a pleasant side effect, you will be working alongside others with a shared passion, helping one another for a good cause. And it wont matter if you are shovelling poop or cuddling cats, conversation is likely to expand to your own animals, lifestyles and stories. Before you know it, the animals are not the only company you look forward to.

3. Class of interest

Maybe your passion is art more than animals. And maybe there is less available charities for art, where you get to express yourself creatively. In which case some sort of creative class might be better for you. Before you know it, the instructor is asking you to find a partner, and you may have to study or rehearse or practise together outside of the class. You share a laugh; you share a passion and what in your life lead to that or when you knew you had some passion or talent. You share what your creations represent, and you feel seen heard and understood. You feel connected, friend.

4. Hobby group

If your passion happens to be knitting or scrapbooking and you don’t need a class because you know perfectly well how to do it, a community group might be best for you. The benefits can be sharing supplies, or sharing opinions if it happens to be a writer’s group or a book club. You soon learn how the lady down the road takes her coffee, and how the man around the corner walks over to keep his knees strong after his operation.  You share ideas or inspirations, or patterns or whatever it may be, and as you all enjoy your shared activity, what you enjoy just as much is sharing it with others. Maybe you bring cake this week for Joan’s birthday or invite them all to your own birthday celebrations. And just like that you have knitted a friendship as well as those baby booties.

5. Apps

You can’t quite be anything but what you are on the apps, or at least you shouldn’t be. That said, there are plenty of friendship finding apps these days for people of all ages and stages and backgrounds etc…. Just like dating you upload your picture and your interests and it shows you all the other people looking for friends. If you find someone you like you swipe right and if they swipe right on you too, then you will be able to chat to them privately rather than in a group setting like in a forum. This can make it easier at times to share more personal aspects of your life and connect with people on a more intimate and real level. You already know what each other looks like and have shared a few messages, then you can swap numbers and progress to phone calls, coffee etc… it is the new age version of pen pals I suppose.

6. Support group

If you happen to have been through a big life change or experience, or someone close to you has, it has the power to change your perceptions of the world. There is nothing quite like a shared experience like that to bring people together. These friendships can be the quiet silver lining of a shared cancer, or caring for a parent with dementia or experiencing an eating disorder. While the main aim of the groups is to get help for the situation you are in, much of the help comes from the support of kind strangers sharing the battle who become lifelong friends

7. At the salon/Bar

A friend asked me recently if my hair dresser was my friend. I didn’t quite know how to respond to the question. She was not my friend before she was my hairdresser and I still refer to her as that rather than as a friend. However, she is a friend on my social media and we do know almost everything there is to know about one another’s lives. It may be professionally frowned upon for us to associate outside of business, but I would be open to it in theory. If she weren’t much younger than me and in a different place in her life maybe I would suggest it. You certainly could! I bet you know lots about your hairdresser too? Seems to go with the business, being in everyone’s business! Haha I don’t hang out in bars much, but I hear it is a pretty similar vibe with locals and bar staff.

8. Cinema

On a few occasions at the cinema, I have been seated near someone who was visiting alone and struck up conversations with them. I have invited them to sit with us and whispered about the plot line. Before the film you learn what brought them to the cinema and what interested them about this film, and after you learn about where they are headed next and when they will be back. If it so happens you and your mother visit the same cinema every week on Thursday mornings for example, you could easily welcome that person to join you should you meet again, or offer to grab a coffee after the film to discuss the plot.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

People Pleasers – Friend or Foe?

A few of my friends are as flaky as pastry. They are consistently late, if they show up at all. They make lame excuses to get out of plans and often expose their own lies by mistake later when they forget what they lied about to get out of said plans in the future. Rolls eyes. They know I find this endlessly frustrating. Which, to be fair, only adds cause for them to lie in the first place I suppose. Because it is hard to be mad at someone if the cancelled plans is because their grandmother is sick, as opposed to they double booked themselves and would rather do the other thing than your thing.

But what these friends do have in common is that they are people pleasers. This makes them extremely popular because it means they are “yes” people. Yes, they would love to come to your kid’s recital, yes, they will be able to pick up their mother’s dry cleaning after work, and yes, they’d love to go camping with Tim on the same night as your kid’s recital.

For starters, while they are convincingly enthusiastic, they certainly could think of nothing more boring than said recital, they are resentful at their mother for not washing her own clothes if she can’t pick them up herself and they hate camping. You wouldn’t know this, because you believe their enthusiasm, but when you stop to think about it, it really makes sense. The problem is multifaceted.

My friend who is a people pleaser is a good friend. She helps when she can even when she doesn’t want to. We have a great time together when she shows up even if she is always late and we have a good balance of banter versus deeper comfortable conversation. For this reason, I decided to share with her what I had observed about her people pleasing ways.

I was surprised by the relief and rush of emotions that followed. Someone had seen not only her failure but her effort. She felt heard and validated and understood. She explained that she wants to be useful to people and is worried saying no will result in people leaving, although they always inevitably leave anyway. She was also open to hearing why people leave and could understand the effect this was having on herself and her relationships.

This particular friend has a heavy burden of serving her family. It leaves little time for much else. As these are the people least likely to abandon her, it seems unlikely to me that this pattern will change. As such, I had to ask myself how to be a better friend to my flaky friend. Which is funny isn’t it, but merited all the same.

I had already lowered my expectations. I accept that she will be late. I let it slide when she tells me white lies about her reasons for cancelling or being late. I know it will almost always be because her family asked her to do something, even if she tells me it was work because that sounds more important. Or if she tells me she napped all day and that is why she didn’t answer my message then later goes on to tell me about all the bargains she bought at the shops and the delicious pastry at the new bakehouse she tried. So, what more can I do?

I can make sure I don’t ask her for too much. I can make sure the things I do ask her for are not too important, so that when they are she knows the difference. I can be understanding of the fact that she often finds herself between a hard place and a rock, even when I am the rock. I can thank her for her efforts to be there at all even when she is not on time. I can offer to do some errands for her so that she is not so stressed and over scheduled. I can encourage her to say no to me and others and assure her it is ok to do nothing at all sometimes, all alone. I can let her make plans with me, and be flexible when they are more impromptu than I would prefer and accept that this is because she had to stay available to her family to the last second before making her own plans.

In return, she can acknowledge when she has let me down and trust than an apology will save not sever our bond. She can make more effort to be there and on time when I tell her it is important that she does. She can attempt to make plans with me instead of the other way around because she knows what she can manage. She can accept that I may not be available or willing to come impromptu because my own family expects me to be here if I have not told them in advance that I won’t be. She can come and hang out with us here instead.

But please come and join me there.

We often tend to assume flaky friends care the least, when maybe that is unjust. Maybe they care the most in theory, and that is what gets in the way of them showing it. It’s just that they care deeply about everyone and that creates conflict.  At the end of the day understanding and accepting our friends and their circumstance instead of demanding change or making assumptions goes a very long way. Certainly seeing why she is the way she is helped me. I hope it helps you and yours too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Earrings, what a pair!

The week before last I talked about divorce and the impacts that life change can have on your friendships. It got me thinking of single people and how friendships can be a kind of pairing too. Because people like pairings, don’t they? There is comfort in being a part of a pair. Just like there is comfort in a well-worn pair of slippers on a cold night or your favourite pair of earrings on a much-needed night out! The analogy makes me smile as it reminds me of a friend who had a pair of friendship earrings with her bestie. They each wore one, meaning each were mismatched at their get togethers, however they were mismatched together! Cute idea. Could take off like the BFF charm!

Not for me though, I love earrings and I love them to match! Haha The bigger, brighter and more sparkly, the better. I wasn’t always like that though. As I reflected back on this passion, I found it was only when my son was quite young that I started changing the way I present myself and earrings became a statement piece. I remembered specifically a friend from my mothers’ group and her party for her daughter. She was so well presented. Actually, she was always well presented in her bright clothes and lovely hair. And she always wore the loveliest earrings.

At the risk of sounding all “single white female” I think in many ways I began to emulate this friend. I related to her as a bigger woman. I loved her welcoming nature, and her confidence. She wasn’t afraid to take up space in this world and watching her enabled me to emulate some of that and allow myself to stand out more too. It was uncomfortable at first. So, I started small. I started with earrings. Then brighter colours and matching shoes. Then better fitting clothing and tops as opposed to t-shirts and hoodies. In talking to her recently I thanked her for that positive influence she had on me, and the person I became as a result of that confidence.

And although it shouldn’t have surprised me, what she reflected back was less positive. That her partner at the time was abusive, and he held her to a high standard of dress. That she had felt less worthy, and now she valued a partner who loved her just as much in her hoodie as in her heels. It dawned on me during that conversation that I had fallen for the glitz and glam of her presentation. That I had made assumptions and compared myself negatively at the time. That the woman I was emulating was not the woman I thought she was.

The outcome for us both has been powerfully positive of course. That said, it highlights that we often make unfair comparisons between ourselves and our friends when we don’t actually know the full truth. Nobody knows what anybody’s life is really like behind closed doors or how happy anyone really is day to day. It is almost as if we have a bias to assume everyone else is much happier and better off than ourselves. We criticise our own reality instead of questioning the ones we see presented to us from others.

My mothers group friend and I grew closer over the years. I did not learn in that conversation that her ex was abusive and held her to a high standard. I knew those things already, although I did not know them when I began emulating her. What was interesting was that I thought she held the secret for feeling good about yourself, and I wanted in on it. Whereas she was looking at my life and thinking how lucky I was that my partner allowed me to wear a hoodie and eat as many slices of cake as I wanted without comment. How lucky I was that I could be myself.

Neither of us, at that particular time in our lives saw the truth of the other. That I desperately wanted to try harder but felt I was not permitted as a bigger woman. That she was trying desperately hard and it exhausted her never being good enough because she was a bigger woman. I don’t regret this emulation of my friend, and I am happy that she has found someone to love her as she is, even if it means I am the one who always wears lipstick these days not her. However, it shows that we could have maybe been more helpful to one another if we had each seen the pain behind the other’s smile. If we had of spent time asking questions instead of making assumptions.

Maybe we would have learned much sooner that each of us is just fine as we are, however we present and whatever size we are, regardless of how many slices of cake we eat! Oh, and how we love to eat cake!! Cheers big Ears… or should that be earrings. Your friendship changed me, changed my life and made me happier. However long it took us to learn our worth, I am grateful that we did, and we did it together. What a pair!! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 ways friendship is like riding a bike

1 You need training wheels at first

Think of school, you needed to be in the same place all the time with the same kids and you needed the teacher support to encourage you to speak to each other, share toys and resolve conflict.

2. You need practise

Just like riding a bike, it takes practise. You probably aren’t still best friends with your kindergarten bestie, and that is ok. With each new attempt it gets easier, and more fun. The more you practise the more naturally it comes and the more fun it is.

3. If you stop doing it for long enough, you aren’t sure if you still know how.

After you start driving a car, for example, you may stop riding your bike. You can easily forget how fun it was and how good it was for you. And if you don’t do it for long enough, you worry that you won’t be able to do it anymore. Same with friendships. When you get a full-time job and have kids etc… you can forget to make friendships a priority. Then it can feel overwhelming and daunting to try and make new friends and you aren’t sure you remember how to be a good friend.

4. If you hit a bump, it is scary.

You are riding along great, enjoying yourself and the scenery, then bump! The path gets unexpectedly wobbly and you rush to get to smoother terrain. You might avoid that path forever instead of trying to navigate it again no matter how much you enjoyed it before. Friendships are like that too, and it can be scary to have those conversations or navigate difficult terrain. Sometimes it is so scary that people walk away and don’t try harder.

5. If you fall off, it hurts.

Hopefully on a bike you were wearing adequate safety gear, but falling off still hurts. It can hurt so much that you don’t want to risk riding again. If you relate that to friendships that would mean not trusting any new friends because you got hurt by an old one.

6. It is fun and freeing, and they help you get where you’re going faster.

Riding a bike was your first taste of freedom and independence. Similarly, friends are the people with whom we find ourselves and our place in the world. They are the ones we try on new personalities with until we find one that fits, and the ones who we emulate.

7. You learn new tricks

After a while, you learn to do jumps, wheelies, ride with one hand or no hands and give people a ride on the handlebars. You get confident as you are having fun. Friends can be like this too. They encourage and support you and with them you learn and grow without even realising you are developing important skills to navigate life in the future.

8. They can be uncomfortable

We all question who designed that bike seat. It might be the least comfortable chair in history. But if you love riding, you get used to it. Friends can be like that too. They can make you uncomfortable as they challenge you to grow outside your comfort zone, but they are worth it so you kinda don’t mind or notice most of the time when they are being a pain in the butt!

9. You can outgrow them

Think of the bike you had when you were 4, and all the bikes you had in-between. I loved my banana seat 70’s style bike I had in primary school, but yet eagerly ditched it for the cooler bright pink mountain bike when I reached high school. Whether I wanted to ditch it or not, the fact was, I outgrew it. We outgrow friends too. They stay in our memories and our hearts, and they are still good for someone else.

10. As you get older, sometimes you ride them.

Ok, most of the time you don’t ride your friends and that is why they are friends not lovers. But as “it’s complicated” grows in popularity along side “friends with benefits” I had to throw that one in there at the end there. An ode to all the friends I rode, and the ones that rode me! Haha

Friendship too!

Separation… Does divorcing your spouse mean divorcing your couple friends too?

For the last few weeks I looked at opposite gender friendships, which got me thinking about couple friendships. As I have a few close friends who are either divorced, divorcing or separated and I have noticed that all of them have reported that this somewhat personal change has had an unexpected carry-on effect into their social circles too. I wanted to write about this to explore some of the reasons that this may be.

It would be easy to assign blame to your couple friends in this scenario. You might assume that they no longer hold you in high regard, or don’t wish to be tainted and painted with the same ugly brush that could impact their social standing. Certainly, it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that you have fast become one of the people they talk about rather than the person that they talk to. Alternatively, if you tend to see the good in people, you might try and reason that the couple feels uneasy around you now, or that they have split loyalties and it is easier or more comfortable not to see either you nor your soon to be ex. You might try to be forgiving that perhaps they no longer know what to say, and that they do not know if discussion of the topic is too taboo. Or that they don’t want to rub salt in your wound with their happiness.

All of these reasons have merit. I cannot speak for your individual couple friends any more than I can speak for you personally or any of the reasons you find yourself in this predicament. What I have observed however, are a few general patterns which seem to play out in these circumstances. And most of them have more to do with the separated persons than the couple friends. Which makes sense, when you think about it, doesn’t it? They are the ones who have changed ultimately.

While change is not usually a bad thing, it certainly does make many people uncomfortable. Humans tend to be creatures of habit who prefer to live in the realms of our comfort zones. So, while you navigate a whole new terrain, it wouldn’t be unusual for some people to cling more tightly to their comfortable life, out of fear more than anything that this could happen to them too. However, as I said, this usually is more about you than them.

As a newly single person, you have probably noted a shift in your needs, wants, expectations and comfort levels. While you perhaps didn’t give friendship much time or effort in the past, it may suddenly hold a newer higher priority in your life that it didn’t before. No longer do you spend your evenings with the inbuilt comfort of your spouse for company. Perhaps it is the case that you now seek time and attention during the evenings or weekends where you didn’t before. And it can be a sore realisation that people you considered friends are not as interested in entertaining this request – preferring to stay in with their partner as they usually do. Half of the reason this is sore, is because it can feel like abandonment, as if your friend does not care or understand what you are going through enough to inconvenience themselves. The other reason it is sore, is because you may begin to realise in similar situations beforehand, you may have acted similarly.

Even if you are still willing to meet up with them together as a couple, one member of the couple may now feel somewhat out of place. This could be because of aforementioned divided loyalties, or it may just be because the topics that interest you now are uncomfortable for them. I will use a heteronormative example of a husband and wife, although the same concept applies to most pairings. What if one of the separated persons has started dating. They are excited by this change and wish to discuss it. This conversation would be more typical between the two persons of the same gender than an open exchange between all 3 remaining parties. If you are a woman, you may feel uncomfortable discussing openly your physical explorations with someone new in front of your friends’ husband, for example. Or if you are a man, you may be reluctant to express your casual encounters with your friend’s wife.

Friendship with a single person tends to become somewhat more intimate or private, or personal even in nature. As such, it is likely that you would rather see one member of the couple more than the other. Even if you have no animosity towards them because you understand their predicament, it would be reasonable to assume you would seek out more relatable and available friendships moving forward.

Your divorced colleague at work might become more interesting, sharing stories over a drink after work might blossom into a friendship that otherwise would not exist. Hanging out with the younger crowd now you are more available might become the new normal. Single parents’ groups and carpools may become a priority as you search for new communities with a sense of belonging. Just as you once used to feel with your coupled counterparts.

Chances are high that you used to value the lower maintenance of your couple friends, and the ease at which you could catch up a few times a year and always seem just as close. However, it is that same distance that now separates you, because as a separated person your needs have changed.  And if it seems that they have taken the side of your ex, the likeliest reason is because your ex has turned to them and asked for more. Of course, sometimes it is a simple as feeling a bit sore and not being ready to face a happy couple, and as a result the friendship just slowly and naturally fades away as you drift away from it.

Divorcing a spouse doesn’t have to mean divorcing your whole life though. Much of the time it appears my divorced friends were too timid, to wary of demanding too much or asking for more. They assumed their friends would not be available, or were too worried of rejection to ask. If this resonates with you, perhaps they would love an excuse for a night out on the town? Just because they are married does not mean their life is over or they cannot have fun, with or without their partner?

It would be a shame to lose good friends unnecessarily. Maybe you will be in a new couple one day and in search of couple friends once more? Or maybe you will see a wilder side to them that you didn’t see before. Don’t assume they won’t be there for you without at least asking them to be. But forgive yourself too, if you prefer the company of other singles. Just remember, they are unlikely to stay that way.

My husband and I get along very well with our single friends. I spend time with them alone, as does he sometimes too, and we enjoy having a third to share opinions, laughs and play games with. It is only as awkward as you make it. I think we should all remember to make time and space for each other regardless of romantic status and stop putting all our eggs into the relationship basket. Friendships are the real relationships that matter. None of us know what our romantic future holds, after all. For that reason alone, friendships are a fine investment.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The GAY Boy Friend

In the last 2 weeks we talked about the male female friendship dynamic. Somewhere in that last one, I casually dropped that one of the males in question happened to be gay! While that particular fact about him specifically does not warrant a whole blog post, the hetero female and homo male friendship certainly warrants discussion!

I watched Will and Grace. Although that is an outdated reference I guess these days, it is becoming increasingly common for homosexuality to feature in mainstream media, and the loveable flamboyant gay male best friend is a favourite! As it is my only reference, I was curious to explore how this dynamic impacted the relationship between my friend and her gay boy friend!

Disappointingly perhaps, but more interestingly, her friend is butch. I don’t know if that is the correct term, as I am drawing on terminology more widely used in the female queer community. In order to avoid offense perhaps I should clarify what I mean by that. I mean her friend is masculine.  I don’t like to say it this way, but what I suppose I am getting at is that you might not know he was gay if you hadn’t been told. Not that there is anything wrong with any way a person expresses themselves, however the characters in media tend to have a flamboyant quality that is less obvious in my friend’s gay boy friend.

To be clear, I am calling him boy friend because he is a boy and he is her friend. Just an amusing play on words, not to insinuate that they are in any sort of asexual relationship, although aren’t all friendships really asexual relationships of sorts? I think so, but I am aware that this is an unpopular or uncomfortable opinion for most.  Anyway, I digress.

My friend thinks everyone needs a gay guy best friend in their lives. This factor contributes to the easy affection between them both with no confusion over meanings or boundaries. Because I am queerer and curious, I asked my friend if she would be as comfortable holding hands with a hetero female friend in the same manner. (Assuming the answer would be yes, because there is also no pressure or confusion I presume if both women are strictly heterosexual.) Interestingly she answered me no, that this would feel foreign and uncomfortable for her, the fact that this person was male was important, although she later went on to say she doesn’t see gender with her friends. I beg to differ. On a side note, I also wonder, if she would feel uncomfortable holding hands with a female friend on the basis of lack of attraction due to homophobia or orientation, why does he feel comfortable with her on the same basis? I think society has much to answer for here.

Anyway, this bond she shares with her gay boy friend seems to be the perfect balance for her. He is just emotionally in tune enough to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. They speak on the phone every week if not more, regardless of how much time they actually spend. This goes a very long way to keeping the friendship alive in of itself. He is masculine enough however not to become offended if they have not spent time together, and when they do, they seem to be able to read one another well enough to know how to provide just the right level of affection or reassurance or friendship.

I doubt that they delve much into the heavier topics of life, but the point is not whether they do as much as whether they can. And I think they can, if need be. My friend expressed this person knows her in a way most people don’t. He is in tune with her, knowing when she needs a ittle extra flirtation or when she needs a little extra space.

He knows that she suffers social anxiety, much of which is appearance based, and when to offer a flirtatious compliment or offer to hold her hand proudly as her plus one. She commented that he is easy going, in that he does not get upset if she wears the wrong thing. This surprised me too because in the media, the gay best friend is always offering fashion advice and letting the woman know if her outfit could use some tweaking. I personally have told her what outfits I think highlight her best assets or downplay problem area’s and have been open about outfits I feel are less flattering. Here I was thinking I was doing her a favour, when perhaps she was not interested in my opinion on her appearance…. Acceptance “as they are” appears to be more important. Noted. Lol

She can turn to this particular friend if she happens to need his more naturally blessed strength, or for erecting that high shelf, and later reaching things on it. She can easily allow him more space than an actual boyfriend, without feeling needy or abandoned. She can also tolerate his relationships without feeling jealous or replaced in any way. Not that this is a frequent issue, as it appears to me, they are happier with each other and being single than either of them seems to have been in any romantic entanglement.

But what stands out to me most, about both my friend, and her gay boy friend, is that neither of them subscribes to gender stereotypes, nor sexuality ones. They appear to both have a moderate amount of masculine and feminine traits and meet in the middle in some kind of common ground. In the media these friendships tend to portray the “ideal man” who is basically very effeminate. Which plays into the idea that femininity is superior. (Which would be why the fan base is so largely female) The media also focusses widely on toxic masculinity. However, we hear little of women being encouraged to embrace their masculinity.

I asked my friend if she saw her gay boyfriend as one of the girls, or if he saw her as one of the boys, or any such combination of things and she said that they didn’t see gender. (Which turned out to be untrue,) however I knew what she meant. They can be themselves with each other. They can escape the pressure to be completely one or the other and to conform to the norms associated. She can express her love of video games and pizza and he can talk about emotions or be loving and affectionate without feeling like a predator.

Although it might feel foreign to those of us more extreme on the gender identity spectrum, perhaps if we embraced more traits of each other, we could all meet in the middle and get along much better after all? Then perhaps gender and sexuality would finally be non-issues for friendships. On the other hand, what would I write about then? Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sex in Friendships! Male Female dynamics. PART TWO

Last week we touched on the benefits of the male female friendship, drawing on the experience of my close, (straight,) female friend who has an equal number of close male and female friends. (She is certainly the closest I am likely to get to a male friend! Haha)

To read part one, click here, or scroll up one article. At the end of that piece, we left it when we reached affection…… which brings us to the juicy part this week! To quote ‘Salt N Peppa’ “Let’s talk about sex!”  This tends to be the main factor getting in the way of the original question; can women and men really be platonic friends. It is all well and good to say that they can be, as long as no sexual attraction exists for whatever reason. Maybe one or the other is not hetero, one or the other is partnered and faithful, or one or the other is just outside the realms of “type” to ever be viable. But what about when those perimeters are removed?

Of course, my friend has had sexual encounters with some of her male friends, which, by her accounts, appeared to be welcome, and not pressured from either side. Because it is easier to cross boundaries when those perimeters are removed, and men do tend to be more casual about sexual exploration. I don’t know if perhaps men are more demisexual than we give them credit for, forming attractions to persons after an emotional connection has blossomed, or if it is easier for them to separate sexual activity with romance…. but my friend did admit that not being sexual with male friends tended to make the friendship closer longer term than the alternative.

We couldn’t explore that without noting that there is a huge vulnerability that develops between a woman and any man she allows to see her naked.  Vulnerability is a key ingredient to closeness for women. Therefore, it could be argued that any man a woman is sexual with is automatically closer than any person with whom she is not sexual…. however, unless she goes on to marry that man, there is also a sense of rejection or betrayal when the friendship does not progress to something more romantically formal after such an event…. particularly if one party (usually her) had hoped that it might. Which makes behaving as a platonic friend again much harder when he takes on a wife, for example.

Which brings us nicely to our next point of discussion. If my friend has fallen in love with a few men over the course of her life, (as most of us have) then it stands to reason that clinging to the next best thing might play a role here. If her close male friends have some nature of resemblance to her first love, or the one that got away, she may be drawn to him and reluctant to let him get away a second time no matter what it means sacrificing for herself.

She said men were less dramatic. It wasn’t that men couldn’t be upset, but it was harder to upset them and easier to read and resolve when conflict arose. They were lower maintenance. They would not become angered at a lack of time or effort, because they also made minimal effort. She quipped that they were more available; they were not likely to be angered by a last-minute invitation because other plans fell through, whereas a friend like myself, would be; seeing it as being treated like a back up plan. Not to mention that a male friend is less picky. He won’t be upset if you spend the whole time in his company playing games on your phone, whereas a female counterpart is more likely to be offended by this and take it as a sign of disinterest. (All this does make me question if my friend is “that girl” who values men friends because they won’t be upset when she ditches them for a partner only re-emerging when the relationship is through….)

Naturally there were more personal factors to consider too. My friend’s closest male friend is also a long-term single person, meaning they share the benefits of the affection and emotional reassurance of an almost partner without any of the pesky commitments. A socially acceptable plus one to events is a bonus for them both. Not to mention that my friend happened to be raised as the only girl with 3 brothers, so tends to have more masculine interests as a result of early conditioning. As it so happens both herself and her closest male friend have large families who take up much of their social time too, leaving little space for needier friends like myself for example! Lol Although it didn’t come up in conversation I personally have to wonder if her difficult relationship with her father plays any role. And, if it is relevant, my friends best male friend is gay. More on that dynamic next week!

What I took from the conversation, is that men tend to, in her experience, and my own, prioritise friendships less than women, preferring to focus on career. Ruminations are more logical, or pride/ ego based than focussed on heavy relational issues. They enjoy keeping busy to avoid much emotion, and prefer to engage in side-by-side mentally engaging activities rather than face to face. It is less about being emotionally alone and more about not being physically alone.

I do not dispute that women and men are very different; both in our perspectives, expectations and experiences in the world. These differences at times repel us from one another and at other times draw us closer. However, we should not forget what we do share in common, and that is our humanity. I struggle to understand men, but that in part is the problem. My friend does not try to understand them, she just enjoys them as they are and expects very little. Perhaps that is the key to friendships regardless of anything else.

Can 2 people be friends? Well, yes, of course they can…..but will they be? That depends on the individuals in question, and all sorts of factors that are so unique to each of us.

Personally, I remain unconvinced, I think she would be lonely if she only had these male friends with their limited effort…but maybe balance is key, she has an even spread of both, filling all her relationship needs and maybe that is the real secret. If you know yourself well and all needs and how they can be addressed, you get to decide which people you choose to fill them. And as long as they’re met, you’re probably relatively happy and fulfilled.

I don’t know the question specifically, but the answer isn’t a definitive number or gender or set of rules. But I do know this much. Friendship is the answer, regardless. Friendship might not be a love story but it is definitely a story of love.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Love Story Versus A Story Of Love; Opposite Gender Friendships. PART ONE.

I couldn’t call myself a friendship writer without attempting to write the piece about opposite gender friendships, could I? The long-standing social argument, can women and men be friends is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Personally, I have very limited experience on the subject. I have always valued, sought out and delighted in same gender friendships. My whole blog seeks to expose the powerful nature of these same gender friendships, which I don’t discount are equally as powerful for men. But what about those Female and Male bonds?

I can’t say I have been sceptical; I don’t think that would be accurate. Afterall, I tend to advocate for the fact that all friendships have some degree of flirtation, banter or sexual tension regardless of gender, sexual or romantic orientation. Maybe I have never had favourable circumstance to form such connections, and where they existed, in my own experience it would be fair to say that sex definitely got in the way and complicated matters. Not to mention that as someone who values femininity and the traits I personally associate with it, such as depth of conversation, romantic recounts and analysis, and shared entertainment activities such as rom coms and day spa’s, perhaps I have been too quick to discount men as one dimensional and disinteresting.

Whatever the reason, I couldn’t draw on my personal experience with this, so I turned to one of my closest friends, who has several close male friends for her perspective on this age-old quandary. Naturally, as someone who indulges in the female male dynamic of friendship, she is an advocate of the dynamic and unequivocally insists that not only can women and men be friends, but they can be the best of friends. Her reasons weren’t especially surprising, when you stop to think about it. So, let’s explore those.

First, it feels relevant to start by stating that my friend is a heterosexual single woman. She also classifies herself as heteroromantic and these factors appeared to play a role in the value she placed on the men in her life.  She did not deny that male friendships often met some of her relationship needs, in absence of a male partner currently in her life, and even better, those needs were met, and I quote, “for free.” I found this statement of particular interest. As someone who does not share her sexual or romantic orientation, I could relate to those sentiments. Because I have often felt there is a heavy pressure, an unspoken price to be paid, sexual in nature, when it comes to a close connection with a male. Not to paint them as one dimensional (not yet anyway, or for this specific reason) but in my own experience it seems fair to say that any time I have attempted to become a close confidant of a man, he always wanted/needed/expected that connection to be expressed physically. That hasn’t always felt welcome, and I have assumed my own queerer orientation played a role in that feeling.

As such, it was very interesting to hear that even a heterosexual woman could relate to that feeling and welcomed a more affectionate but less sexual relationship with a male friend. This point was the first my friend discussed. But it wasn’t purely sexual. My friend is highly independent and does not need any man to do anything for her. She is perfectly capable of mowing her own lawns, changing her own tyres, and financing her own life. (And she totally rocks the cute dresses while she does them!) However, she was still quick to note it is handy to have male friends to call on for their talents at erecting shelves, building cat enclosures and patching up the walls. And when the man in question is a friend as distinct from a boyfriend, the only price to be paid is at most a thank you and at worst a cash exchange. As a married woman I can tell you that isn’t the preferred method of payment for such things from my husband! Maybe that is why I still prefer to call on my father for help instead?! Haha

However, it wasn’t just their strength or practical ability that my friend benefits from out of her male friendships, but the fact that affection between them seems natural, and it met that physical need for affection without any confusion about where the boundaries lie. It did surprise me somewhat, as obviously my friend professes to enjoy sexual intimacy with men, however most wives I have spoken to have related to the sentiment that we, as women, crave that affection, from a simple hand hold to a non-sexual spooning session without feeling pressure for things to progress or feeling like we have let the other party down when we don’t feel like anything more than just being held.

I am starting to think my friend is really on to something here, in regards to the free relationship theory! Haha

Stay tuned for more on this next week and the other benefits and factors that influence the male female friendship dynamic. What if one or the other experiences attraction. Are boundaries ever crossed? Is there ever any coming back from that? What are the benefits of a male friendship as opposed to a female one? All that and more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friend you used to know becomes the friend you don’t want to know.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary, and oh how time flies. Our sweet toddler at the time is now a teenager and our daughter conceived that night is now 10. As I searched for a quote to share on social media that accurately represented marriage, and the changes that have transpired over our time together I found this one.

“He never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be. Rather, he loved, fully, every new woman she became.” It resonated with me, with how my husband has loved all the versions of me so far. The smaller and bigger versions. The working and non working versions. The long and short haired versions. The coloured hair versions. The extroverted and introverted versions. The depressed and excited versions. All the orientation and identity versions. The gothic version and the fluro pink version. But it also made me think about friendships, perhaps in defining what is essentially different about relationships and friendships.

None of us stay the same, and as much as we love and grow with our friends, sometimes they grow into people we don’t like anymore. Even if we do love them. Or did love them. Our investment in friends perhaps isn’t as high as in a relationship. You can walk away from a friendship relatively unscathed or unaffected at times. Perhaps this makes it that much easier to get attached to who they used to be and not accept who they become?

Of course, it would be naïve to ignore the fact that even some marriages end under these circumstances, so perhaps this is less about the type of relationship and just about human nature. Either way, is it ok not to like or love the person someone changes into, even if you loved the person they were?

I think it is fair to say it isn’t always a choice. We feel how we feel, and if your friend has changed considerably, it might be kinder to walk away than to smother them with your expectation of who they should be, or resent them for not being that in the instance that you cannot like or love the person they have become.

That said, it is common to find yourself in some internal turmoil, weighing and comparing the person you knew then, and the meaning of your relationship then, to how it feels now. Thinking about how meaningful a particular friend once was and how joyous your relationship used to be can actually keep you hanging on longer than necessary in some sort of limbo decision making process.

It is never easy to let a person you once considered a friend go. It is worth some deliberation indeed. However, thinking for too long keeps us stuck in sometimes toxic situations when it would be better for everyone involved to just bite the bullet. Just because a relationship used to be meaningful doesn’t mean it still is or ever will be again. It also doesn’t mean it never will be again.  Maybe it depends on the size of the change, or how at odds you now are with your values.

The global pandemic for example, has put people at odds in unexpected ways because their comfort level around risk or their ideas about vaccinations differ in ways that suddenly made them incompatible in fundamental ways. Politics have had similar consequences. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the change is – whether your friend has become a conspiracy theorist or whether they have found religion that is at odds with your own values or beliefs, or if they just have taken up a lifestyle that you don’t approve of or feel safe around. If your intuition is telling you it is time to go your separate ways, you are allowed to do so.

It doesn’t make you a bad friend, or a bad person. It doesn’t discount the meaning your friendship once served. It doesn’t make you heartless. Ending a friendship is no less painful than having one ended for you. It doesn’t even mean you hold ill feelings towards this person. You may indeed wish them every success and happiness, even if you won’t be around to see it or share in it.

Maybe it comes down to asking yourself if you met this person as they are today, would you still be their friend? If the answer is no, that is usually a pretty big hint.  At the end of the day, as romantic as the idea may be, we are not married to our friends. If we can’t love or like the person they have become, we probably should move aside and make room for people who can. Right? Sometimes staying hurts more than leaving and that is when you know it is time.

It is ok to walk away from people who put you at odds with your values, or who make you uncomfortable, or who you just don’t like, even if you used to. Remember that was a different version of yourself, too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t stay with someone because of who they were instead of who they are.