I couldn’t call myself a friendship writer without attempting to write the piece about opposite gender friendships, could I? The long-standing social argument, can women and men be friends is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Personally, I have very limited experience on the subject. I have always valued, sought out and delighted in same gender friendships. My whole blog seeks to expose the powerful nature of these same gender friendships, which I don’t discount are equally as powerful for men. But what about those Female and Male bonds?
I can’t say I have been sceptical; I don’t think that would be accurate. Afterall, I tend to advocate for the fact that all friendships have some degree of flirtation, banter or sexual tension regardless of gender, sexual or romantic orientation. Maybe I have never had favourable circumstance to form such connections, and where they existed, in my own experience it would be fair to say that sex definitely got in the way and complicated matters. Not to mention that as someone who values femininity and the traits I personally associate with it, such as depth of conversation, romantic recounts and analysis, and shared entertainment activities such as rom coms and day spa’s, perhaps I have been too quick to discount men as one dimensional and disinteresting.
Whatever the reason, I couldn’t draw on my personal experience with this, so I turned to one of my closest friends, who has several close male friends for her perspective on this age-old quandary. Naturally, as someone who indulges in the female male dynamic of friendship, she is an advocate of the dynamic and unequivocally insists that not only can women and men be friends, but they can be the best of friends. Her reasons weren’t especially surprising, when you stop to think about it. So, let’s explore those.
First, it feels relevant to start by stating that my friend is a heterosexual single woman. She also classifies herself as heteroromantic and these factors appeared to play a role in the value she placed on the men in her life. She did not deny that male friendships often met some of her relationship needs, in absence of a male partner currently in her life, and even better, those needs were met, and I quote, “for free.” I found this statement of particular interest. As someone who does not share her sexual or romantic orientation, I could relate to those sentiments. Because I have often felt there is a heavy pressure, an unspoken price to be paid, sexual in nature, when it comes to a close connection with a male. Not to paint them as one dimensional (not yet anyway, or for this specific reason) but in my own experience it seems fair to say that any time I have attempted to become a close confidant of a man, he always wanted/needed/expected that connection to be expressed physically. That hasn’t always felt welcome, and I have assumed my own queerer orientation played a role in that feeling.
As such, it was very interesting to hear that even a heterosexual woman could relate to that feeling and welcomed a more affectionate but less sexual relationship with a male friend. This point was the first my friend discussed. But it wasn’t purely sexual. My friend is highly independent and does not need any man to do anything for her. She is perfectly capable of mowing her own lawns, changing her own tyres, and financing her own life. (And she totally rocks the cute dresses while she does them!) However, she was still quick to note it is handy to have male friends to call on for their talents at erecting shelves, building cat enclosures and patching up the walls. And when the man in question is a friend as distinct from a boyfriend, the only price to be paid is at most a thank you and at worst a cash exchange. As a married woman I can tell you that isn’t the preferred method of payment for such things from my husband! Maybe that is why I still prefer to call on my father for help instead?! Haha
However, it wasn’t just their strength or practical ability that my friend benefits from out of her male friendships, but the fact that affection between them seems natural, and it met that physical need for affection without any confusion about where the boundaries lie. It did surprise me somewhat, as obviously my friend professes to enjoy sexual intimacy with men, however most wives I have spoken to have related to the sentiment that we, as women, crave that affection, from a simple hand hold to a non-sexual spooning session without feeling pressure for things to progress or feeling like we have let the other party down when we don’t feel like anything more than just being held.
I am starting to think my friend is really on to something here, in regards to the free relationship theory! Haha
Stay tuned for more on this next week and the other benefits and factors that influence the male female friendship dynamic. What if one or the other experiences attraction. Are boundaries ever crossed? Is there ever any coming back from that? What are the benefits of a male friendship as opposed to a female one? All that and more.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
