Friendship for sale; Asking Price; Buy me a coffee

Making friends as an adult is hard. So, if you have found yourself in a position where you need some new ones as life has gone on, it can seem extremely daunting. I have written about this several times, and I stand by it. However, it doesn’t have to be hard. If you have an open mind and heart, and a friendly disposition, making new friends can be as simple as a cup of coffee. (Says the only adult woman on the planet who does not drink coffee?! Haha)

Recently, the warmest, friendliest, most inviting and open-minded friend I have shared a heart-warming story of making a new friend. To be fair, friendship seems to be a natural state for this woman. Everyone she meets becomes a friend of sorts. She is just so cheerful and enigmatic that you can’t help but be drawn in by her. She is an empath, can really sense and read people well, and thrives on human connection. She is also extremely inclusive, connecting people together if she thinks they will gel well, with only joy in her heart if those two people connect, even if it comes at her expense.

I admire this about this friend, and many other things. She is just a people person. And her story of this new friendship reflected it perfectly. My friend owns her own business. She is very popular in the local community, often busy to the point she is turning clients away for lack of time to meet the needs of everyone. Her line of work sometimes requires some pretty specific equipment, which she has to source from far and wide, and replace regularly. Last month she was selling an item she had replaced, which still had some life left in it.

Because the item was specific to her area of expertise, it was of no surprise when a competitor contacted her asking for the price of the item. Many people I know would be reluctant. Hesitant to help the competition. But not my friend. Instead, she insisted the asking price for the item was a coffee and a chat, to which the competitor willingly agreed! Bargain!

The 2 women met for said coffee, the item changed hands, and they sat and chatted for half an hour. Tricks and tips of the trade were exchanged. Referrals and a mutually beneficial business pairing transpired. Happy stories and some venting about the specific stresses of the working environment were shared too, and in only half an hour the 2 women who would otherwise have had none of these benefits walked away with the best one of all. A new friend.

Many of us would be too concerned with rejection or seeming “weird and desperate” to follow such an approach. Many others might argue it seems unsafe, even if the 2 women met in a public place. Some of us would assume that the other person would be put off by the mere suggestion. My friend is unconcerned with any of that. She recognises that at our core, most of us crave and welcome new connections, and isn’t afraid to be the one to go first.

When I met her, in a group setting, she was the first to take me under her wing and make me feel welcome. She was the one to invite me to social events I would otherwise not have known about. She was the one who attempted to spend time with me alone. And although it took years for our connection to fully blossom, she was the one who patiently waited for the timing to be right. She was the one who never gave up, who never insisted it be more or less than what it was. She always welcomed and accepted whatever came of it.

That is not to say she hasn’t suffered her fair share of rejections and loss, betrayal and heartbreak. She has. However she doesn’t let it define her. She isn’t afraid of falling because she isn’t afraid of starting again. She isn’t lonely because she sees strangers as friends she hasn’t met yet. She shows genuine interest in people and is naturally forgiving. However she is also wise in her investments. She will hold space for everyone, but only those who are worthy get to really know her.

I have much to learn from this person, and I enjoy the lessons so much I wanted to share them all with you. Go first. Don’t be concerned with what someone thinks of you before they know you. Be kind first and right second. Assume the best of people and not the worst. Be a friend to people and see what blossoms in return.  Be complimentary and kind and curious and cheerful. Make people smile by being comfortable in yourself, and they will be comfortable with you too.

Think of this next time you are selling something you no longer need or use. The person buying it and yourself likely have common ground…. can you afford to invest a little time? Can you afford not to?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is the same x

Bored AND Lonely VS Bored OR Lonely

It seems to be a common idea that bored and lonely are basically the same. That if you feel one, chances are you will feel the other. This is especially true of loneliness. It is more widely accepted that a person may feel temporarily bored, during a slow afternoon at work for example, without feeling lonely. However, it tends to be widely misjudged (from my experience anyway) that when a person complains of loneliness, that the person is misinformed and what they are really suffering is boredom.

I do not dispute that boredom and loneliness are often experienced together. Many people with depression will report this particular combination of emotions; a boredom which stems from an inability to be attentive to much or motivated, and lacking in persons to do things with even if they were motivated or interested. It really is a horrible combination of feelings. Therapy of course helps, because talking about how we feel sometimes lessen the load even if it isn’t solutions we seek. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone knows us, someone hears and sees us, and that someone cares. Even if they get paid to care.

My husband is easily bored. I have never met a grown adult before who cannot leave the house without some sort of book or gaming device to entertain them in the event that there is a moment when he is not occupied! Standing in line? Read a page of a book. Waiting in the doctors office? Pull out the portable gaming device. Even at times when he should be engaged, or at least pretending to be engaged, he will pull out the devices. Like at the school assembly or our daughters gymnastic class or our son’s specialist appointment. It is fair to say he has no concern for societal pressure. This is something I love about him, but yes, sometimes I cringe.

It just baffles me because we are so different in that regard. I am perfectly comfortable waiting for an hour with little to do. Ok, yes, I admit I pull out my phone and answer any messages I may have, but you could probably count on one hand the times I have pulled out a game or a book in those circumstances. I might google what is on my mind, or make a list of what else needs to be done. Does he have no thoughts? I am so distracted by mine that mindless games are anything but relaxing?

We are different. One is not wrong or better than the other. It might be nice to escape my thoughts, and maybe that is what he is doing. But when I ask him, there appears to be nothing there! Although  it makes me a little sad, it also makes me a little jealous. How lovely to have such a quiet mind. No wonder he falls asleep with ease! No mental lists, social pressures or commitments and no worries! Seems idyllic to me, and yes, perhaps somewhat dull! No wonder he is bored!

I, on the other hand, crave human connection. I feel it is the reason for my existence on this earth, the gift to see people. Although so many people have left my life, almost every person I encounter mentions that they have been grateful for the experience of knowing me, because of the level to which I knew them. Most people, from my hairdresser I see only a handful of times a year, to my closest friends, tell me that I am easy to talk to. They tell me I know things that nobody else does, and that they look forward to talking to me. They appreciate that I remember the details and get to know the people around me.

I don’t find it hard to achieve. I have a natural curiosity for people and what they are experiencing in their lives. I have made enough choices in my life that I am in no position to judge anyone, and even if I was, I am wise enough to know that is not the key to openness. Just yesterday, at my hairdresser, the new trainee/apprentice was called over for most of my treatment to assist and learn. It gave us plenty of time to chat, as she opened up to me about her relationship with her child’s father, her housing situation, friendships and hopes for the future. We were giggling and bantering. It wasn’t magic, it was just creating a space for her to talk. When she left at the end of her shift, my hairdresser hugged me and said that was the happiest she had seen this assistant the whole time she had been there. It was the loudest and most joyous she had been, and the most she had opened up. My hairdresser then added that she shouldn’t be surprised, as I am always asking one about her son, the other about her twin brothers, herself about her medical conditions and the admin girl about her pregnancy.

I just smiled and said it wasn’t magic, you just have to care enough to ask, and then actually listen. Of course, I tell you this, because it is a trait about myself of which I am proud. However, I am not unaware that it extends so far to these casual contacts, because I often feel lonely. As a stay at home parent, my hours tend to be quite opposite to those of most others in my life. While they are free weekends, I am on kid duty then. While they are at work, I am available.

This means I tend to spend much time on my own. I don’t say this as a bad thing, or for anyone to get out the world’s smallest violin, it is just a fact about my life right now. Yet when I attempt to express it or explain it, people without fail tell me I need to keep busy. That I have too much time on my hands and that I am bored.

I assure you I am not bored. There is plenty for me to do, so much that I usually don’t get most of it done. (By that I largely mean the housework! Haha) I balance the accounts and pay the bills and keep in contact with all my son’s specialists and appointments. I do the general and birthday shopping, organise family events and keep up with the grocery shopping. I get my 10000 steps in every day. I wirte. I do the washing and make the lunches and get the admin of the house sorted. And usually while I do all of it, there is a running list of never ending other things to get done too, not to mention my abstract thoughts and worries.

I am not suggesting working women don’t do all this and more. I am sure they do. I know I am fortunate enough that I am in a position to watch a day time film or catch up with a friend for lunch. I don’t dispute it. I do those things as often as possible and thoroughly enjoy them.  My point is only that like most people I have a growing list of shows on my need to watch list, that I could and would watch if only I had the time to. I am NOT Bored.  I run a million of my own errands and far too many of other people who assume I have nothing but time to waste, and that they are doing me a favour by asking me to do things for them that they could easily do for themselves.

But most of the time, I am alone. I am a little isolated and I miss connecting with people. Just sitting and making eye contact and talking fills my soul cup. I find that when I do get that opportunity, often the people I am desperate to connect with struggle to meet this need. They can’t slow down. They can’t stop. They feel unproductive and bored just chatting. They need to be busy. It has become an addiction.  Even if they do make time to open up to me in short bursts, the consistency is lacking, the eye contact, and the listening.

As someone who loves to talk to people the most, perhaps what I really seek, is someone to listen sometimes too. The point of this post is just to validate that boredom and loneliness are not the same and they can exist independently, because as I once read somewhere; Boredom is of the mind, whereas Loneliness is of the heart.

However much downtime your schedule allows, don’t forget to use it wisely really connecting with your loved ones, really talking to them, and really listening too. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Validation Void - Do you have a Vacancy?

So last week we talked about people who talk in codes. At the end of the day, we learned most people will be hard pressed to tell the cold hard truth! Most people will not say “No, I don’t like you” or “Yes, I am using you.” Especially in the case of the latter, where honesty would definitely be counterproductive to the goal of using you. It seems pretty straightforward then, to just trust your instincts on this and move away from people who’s actions and words leave you feeling suspicious of their intention.

So why then do so many of us not do that? Why do we get trapped in the cycle of decoding their words? I suppose a the first reasons that springs to mind is “self preservation.” We want to believe that we are worthy. And sometimes we get caught up in proving that we are based on this one person’s attitude towards us. We want to believe we are likeable and not just useful, so therefore, we try to read what we want to read into their words when we should really be listening to their actions.

The second reason that comes to mind is this need to be “right.” At it’s core, we often fail to trust our instincts until they are validated by another person. Unfortunately often, the person we need to validate our feelings is the exact person who is benefiting from not validating them. It is always easier to walk away from someone when both people agree on the situation. If one person says to the other that they don’t think things are working out between them, and they feel they should go their separate ways, and the other person seems relieved and agrees with this, providing further validation by saying that they have been thinking and feeling the same lately, both people will feel freer to walk away. They weren’t wrong, the other party agreed, case closed.

Closure. It’s so neat and perfect, tied in it’s perfect little bow, isn’t it? Unfortunately most relationships are not as picture perfect and most situations don’t provide that closure. What’s worse is that sometimes you feel you have achieved closure, until the bow gets ripped apart again and you realise it was never as neat and tidy as you thought anyway?! Seeking closure, is what keeps us seeking validation.

It can be what causes us to go backwards when we should be moving forwards. Maybe this is precisely what Dr Phil was talking about when he said “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” (I have no idea if the concept was his or if he quoted someone else, it’s likely!) At it’s core, we all want to be happy and we confuse that with being right. It provides us with a certainty that human relationships cannot offer. We want a guarantee that this person will not change and be perfect for the next person, or we want to be sure we are not making a mistake, jumping to conclusions and missing an opportunity for greatness.

I have decided to coin this “validation void” – when the brain stops functioning completely while searching for evidence and confirmation that our suspicions are correct. Where we stop acting in our own best interests trying to fill that void, that uncertainty within. Where we are so hungry for validation that we starve ourselves of the nutrition that is served to us. Where we allow ourselves to believe someone else’s version of reality because it seems more palpable, and less painful than our own. In the moment that is, long term it is actually way, way, waaaaay, more painful.

What is interesting about this particular concept, is that every person you know and who cares for you is likely to offer validation on your points. Yet all that serves you with is more ammunition for you to fire, trying to get the object withholding validation to agree with you. Which is generally futile. But even if they do concede, it will only be to disarm you temporarily before the same behaviours repeat.

We all turn to friends and family for validation. I am not disregarding it’s importance and how it can help us learn and grow when we are challenged, nor it’s powers of healing when we receive it. We probably all have a Validation Vallery friend. She is behind you all the way, always on your team, your biggest cheerleader. But too much validation seems disingenuous after a while, doesn’t it. And we all probably have a Challenging Chad friend too. The one who likes to challenge your perceptions of things when sometimes you really just need to hear that you weren’t wrong.

Essentially, while all humans have a validation void, the size of the void is up to you. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and neither do relationships or friendships. You have to have a certain degree of security in yourself. You have to be willing to risk it and back your decisions. You have to trust that you can live with it if they go on to be perfect for someone else and not blame yourself for it. The only way this validation void gets smaller, is by acting on your intuition. Even if it means getting validation from everyone EXCEPT the person involved. The more you act on your intuition, the stronger you will get, and the smaller the void will be.

The less you base how you feel about yourself on how others feel about you or treat you, the more you teach them how to treat you. The more you understand that you are ok without any given person, the less afraid you will be to act on these intuitive feelings.

If somebody isn’t treating you the ways in which you want, need or expect to be treated, you do not need them to agree with you. You are allowed to act on that feeling even if they insist that you are wrong. A person who cares about you will never simply deny you your truth, they would work with you to change behaviours to make you more comfortable. If they can’t show you what you want to see, find someone that can. It doesn’t matter if you are wrong or right. You want to be happy, and this isn’t it.

Don’t allow your validation void become big enough that it has a vacancy sign, or someone will move in for sure. That is not a space you want to allow anyone to live in. Trust me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Farming or Friending? Stop talking to Goats! Or in codes!

Haha this title is a sneaky reference to an ongoing joke in our house that relates to the Ellie Goulding song “codes” as my daughter misheard the lyrics “stop talking in codes” as “stop talking to goats” followed by the question “Why is she talking to goats?” She insists this is not at all funny, but it always makes me giggle when I hear the song, and I hope it always does. Have you ever googled misheard song lyrics. Funny stuff, I recommend it on your ‘when I am bored’ google list.

Anyway, the song is about a love interest I presume, and insinuates that the artist feels confused by this person’s behaviour. While that is very common in modern dating, I find it equally applies to friendships at an alarmingly high rate. And I am not only talking about those “it’s complicated” friendships with benefits, although that definitely applies here too.

What resonates especially with the song lyrics, is the idea that sometimes even friends can be unclear of their intentions. They might call you a “best friend” but seemingly treat you more like a casual acquaintance. Or they may be hot and cold, best friends one week, ditched the next. Perhaps they treat you like a bit of a back up plan in case their plans fall through or when they are in between romantic interests.

These people can be hard to pin down. They often talk in circles and can be careful what words they use. For example, a friend of mine once told her when she questioned an absentee friend about the state of the friendship, that the person in question responded “I still consider myself to be a friend of yours.” I thought that was an especially deceptive response. So much so that over 10 years later I still remember it. I still consider myself to be a friend of yours? Is that to say that you don’t consider me to be a friend of yours? Yes, that is exactly what it implies.

If that isn’t speaking in codes, I don’t know what is. In order to hear what is really being said, you have to tune in to what is NOT being said. People who speak in codes are quite purposeful with their words. On the surface, it appears to be saying “we are still friends, of course!” But that isn’t what it says at all, and if that is what was meant by it, then that is what it would have said. It does not address the fact that the person was left in so much doubt by their actions that they even felt they had to ask if they were indeed friends. That in of itself speaks volumes, don’t you think? Not to mention that the answer implies that the person asking the question has no ownership over who they consider to be their friend. “I consider myself to be a friend of yours?” That isn’t up to you, and it isn’t really what was asked, was it? I doubt the person reached out and asked “Hey, things have been a bit distanced between us, I am not sure if I still like you, can you clarify that for me please? Do I still consider you my friend?”

It also removes ownership of the askers ability to dispute it. It almost says “I don’t care what you think or feel. Whether you like me or not, whether or not you agree even, I consider myself your friend.” It is deceitful and manipulative and dodges accountability entirely. This person was not acting like a friend, hence the question in the first place. How can you consider yourself a friend of a person to whom you are not acting like a friend? Even if it was your place to dictate, which it isn’t.

If any of you are Married at First Sight Australia fans, the contestant Bec comes to mind. (Yes, I am a shameless trashy reality tv addict! Haha) This character always talked around the question. Her match was never quite sure where he stood with her. The reason she did this, in my humble opinion, and the reason anyone chooses to do this generally speaking is because the truth is unpleasant, and saying it out loud serves to make the person saying it look like a bad person. So Bec couldn’t say she just wasn’t that into her match on the show because he had bad teeth – that would make her appear shallow, so instead, she tried to find any reason under the sun to justify not being into him and string him along pretending to be working on things but in reality, just waiting to get away from him for good after the show ended. Similarly, the friend in the above example probably felt it was too harsh to say “You’re right, I don’t like you anymore, we are not friends. I don’t want us to never speak again. If we see each other at a function we can be casually polite, so I look like a better person, but essentially our friendship is dead.” So, she answered around the question in what seemed pleasing but was actually as hollow as it felt.

It would be unfair to imply that anyone who has spoken in codes always does so. Perhaps we all speak in codes at times. However, you have to ask yourself isn’t it kinder in the long run not to leave people guessing and hanging? Wouldn’t it be kinder to say “I have noticed us drifting apart lately too, it is always sad that as people grow up, they grow apart, however for now we must accept that we are on separate paths and life is taking us in different directions. I wish you all the best for your future as I am unlikely to see it. Thanks for the years of friendship we shared in our history.” It leaves no doubt. It says the cruellest truth in the kindest way possible and it leaves them both free to move on.

When people speak in codes, they are keeping you in a holding pattern. They are denying accountability and they are thinking more of themselves than of you. If you can’t get a straight answer out of someone, that is worse than hearing the worst-case scenario. They are not protecting you; they are protecting themselves.  That is not the actions of a friend.

In the song lyrics she says “Give me something new to think about.” This references all the time spent decoding what someone means, refusing to hear the ugliest truths and refusing to accept them. At the end of the day, if someone is speaking in codes, you probably wont like what you uncover, so don’t waste your time. Move on to someone who is clear in their intent, someone who tells you the truth and means it…. For better or worse! It might not be until death do you part, but if you waste time trying to hear what you want to hear in the codes, you can easily die trying. I know people who have wasted upwards of 10 years already! A true friend’s words and actions will match. If they like you, you’ll know. If you don’t know….. well then sorry to say, but you have your answer… they don’t. Not really.

You can’t force people to stop talking in codes…. But my daughter was right in that talking to goats would be just as helpful. What you can do, is stop talking to goats, and stop decoding while you are at it. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fixing Fractures After the Fight

It is only my love of alliteration that would cause me to use the word fight in the title there. However, whatever word you prefer to use; falling out, disagreement, space, harsh words…. The sentiment is the same. You and a close friend have encountered conflict, and now, you’re wanting to find a resolution and move on harmoniously.

The word fracture, was more intentional, because these conflicts, while natural, can cause pain and can cause cracks in the foundations of your friendships. If not managed with proper care, it could turn into a break, which most often ends in a break up! Which is sad, because in most cases the 2 people involved really do (or did anyway) like and love and respect one another and value the connection.

The most painful conflicts tend to be with the people to whom we are closest and most heavily invested. Unfortunately, these are the same connections that are laden with expectation and all the other heavy emotions that can add to the strain of the fracture. Not to mention the urgency one feels to fix the situation immediately which can only make decisions worse.

The similarities to a fractured limb for example, don’t end there; A fractured limb needs gentle tending, time to mend, rest and support. If you want to mend your fractured friendship, it will need the same, and it will take both of you to provide it to the other. This can be the trickiest part – it becomes your job to take care of the very person who caused your own pain. Each of you need to provide support; each of you needs to feel secure that you both want to make this work, that one of you isn’t going to walk away. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for space, because space is part of what you probably need. What it does mean is that space shouldn’t be open ended perhaps. It might be wise to suggest that you each take a few days to a week to cool off and think things over before making contact again to try and think it through.

During that week, each of you should contemplate not only your point/perspective, but that of the other person too, and more importantly how to express yourself in ways conducive to reconciliation. After your agreed upon timeframe of space has passed, each of you must commit to making time together to talk it through. Now, some people do prefer to skip this step. And for some of them, it works. I can’t tell you what is best in your particular friendship, all I can tell you is that if you do have this talk, each person has to approach it with an apologetic attitude.

That is not to say that you were wrong, only that you are sorry for the strain it has caused between you, that you do not wish to continue fighting, and you are sorry that your friend has been distressed by the events. Similarly, they should also feel apologetic for the strain and distress caused to you. Approach the conversation with love. Naturally, defences will be high, when usually, all each of you really wants is to feel loved and respected and validated.

In my own experiences, if a friend thinks they cannot validate my experience, or refuses to apologise, they will blow past my apology and say it is “water under the bridge.” This used to really bother me, because I wanted to pull the experience apart. However, I now see it is an act of love. If my friend feels they were right and I was wrong – and nothing I say is likely to change that perspective, there really isn’t any point in discussing it, is there? In their own way, they are trying to protect my pride, and not forcing me to yield or beg for forgiveness.

So what next? You have had the space, then the conversation, (or not)…. How do you go back to the way things were? You wont like this, but the answer is, you don’t. That would be considered forcing it. What you should do, is commit to spending time together. Possibly not as much time as before, but with some level of consistency. You tolerate some distance between you. You work hard at creating new happy moments together and you build it back up slowly over time.

You might feel sensitive about it. If your friend cancels one of your plans in the beginning it will be hard to ignore the voice in your head that wants to convince you this means it is all over, it is the beginning of the end. Be patient. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Keep trying. Reschedule. Be there. Don’t give up. The voice in your head might be right. It takes 2 to tango and if your friend doesn’t want to fix things, then they won’t be fixed. But at least you will know you did all you could and your heart was open to reconciliation.

In some cases, it may take years to get back on track, or to even reconnect at all. Both parties have to be ready, have to want it equally, and have to do their part. Eventually that means letting it go, whether you got your apology or not. It means leaving it in the past and just rebuilding moving forwards.

For the friends that have managed reconciliation with me, be it big or small, thank you for loving me when I least deserved it, because you knew it was when I most needed it. Thank you for your apologies, or not. Thank you for still showing up, for letting it go, for not allowing fractures become breaks. For still seeing the positives in me when it was not as clear and sticking with me when it was not as rewarding. Thank you for getting through awkward periods of space, for trusting that we didn’t mean to hurt each other and for being patient enough that we could still be close again.

Not all my friendships have survived, but the ones remaining were worth fighting for. I am not naïve enough to think that we wont encounter more conflict on our journey, but I can say I do feel more secure, that we come out the other side a little stronger each time, and learn which insecurities need reinforcements, which blows were too low and which topics or situations should be avoided at all costs! Haha

If a friend is worth fighting with, chances are, the friendship is worth fighting for.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Vulnerability; Genuinely Given VS Gestured or Generated

I love armchair psychology. For anyone who relates, and probably even those that don’t, I am sure you will agree that the internet represents a black hole where hours, sometimes even entire days seem to quickly disappear. I read up about disorders, friendships, building more positive relationships and all sorts of other foods for thoughts. It is my not so guilty pleasure, and often I justify it by calling it research, even if the topic at hand has nothing to do with friendships.

Because my readers all have one thing in common; and that is that we are all human. We all experience life, emotions, complicated behaviours and relationships with each other. And most concepts that apply to humans, are applicable to friendships, given the social nature of our kind.

When I am not researching, another guilty pleasure is watching “I survived.” Each episode usually features 3 people who survived some sort of trauma or accident. Disturbingly, almost every episode contains at least one woman who was attacked by a man, but I’ll leave that topic for the actual psychologists to muster. Then there is usually another who has survived an earthquake, or a plane crash or a ship sinking or something like that. The third category is often a person who survived an attack from a mountain lion, or a bear or a snake or a wild chimpanzee. In these cases, most of them survived because a friend went in to battle with them or for them, and I noted how distinct this is to the human species. Maybe why we do so well with dogs?

Other species will protect their young, however if you see a lion attacking a deer for example, (thanks for that David Attenborough!) you won’t see the other deer racing to his or her rescue. We are pack animals, and with that comes its complicated social dynamics. If you want to have friends who you count on to attack a bear for you, that requires a certain level of trust…. Which also requires a certain level of vulnerability.

I love vulnerability, although I probably do struggle with it myself. But it has served me well as a friendship tool. Knowing that people generally love to talk about themselves, and that this generates a feeling of connectedness has probably helped with my insecurities. If someone feels close to me, they will value me. If they feel that I know them on a deeper level, that they can trust me with their secrets and show me their inner world, then as a by-product of that, we both end up feeling safer and more secure. Loneliness only ensues if I fail to open up to them equally, or if they fail to notice and reciprocate my interest.

I do this by asking questions. I feel this shows interest in someone, and I am always interested in people. Some are so amusing, others fascinating, others intriguing. Almost all very rewarding when they do let you in. It may even come across as though I am interviewing new friends. As a well-meaning way of connecting with them, however I have been shocked to learn that some people consider this interest to be a violation of boundaries, and prefer not to be asked questions. I also notice I myself can become squirmish if someone I haven’t spent much time with delves too deep. While I like to be asked, and to share, I can admit to often holding my own cards close to my chest while asking the other person to show all of theirs.

Emphasis on the word “Already” perhaps?

So that is why this article; from “The Jordan Harbinger Show” resonated with me in uncomfortable ways. The article is titled “Stop Trying To Be ‘Vulnerable.’ Do This Instead.” It is worth a read, but bear with me first! Haha (Spoiler alert!) It outlines an experience whereby the writer is at a shared dinner, and the facilitator of the event requests that they all share something vulnerable in the name of connectedness. The writer feels uncomfortable sharing on command with a group of strangers, and refuses to participate. He wonders what is wrong with him that he was unable to be vulnerable or that it felt forced and inauthentic. However afterwards several other attendees approach him and say that they felt the same way and wished they were brave enough to also refuse. At that point the writer realises refusing to share, and trusting his instincts, was actually an act of vulnerability.

Vulnerability, basically means to be your authentic self at any moment. To share what you are thinking or feeling regardless of consequence or judgement. It can mean sharing a deep secret from your past, or a story that reflects your inner journey and why you are who you are today. But it also stems from not sharing too, if you don’t feel comfortable. It comes from openly communicating difficult or complicated things and removing yourself from expectations of others.

When I read this article, three friends in particular came to mind. The one who I felt pushed me away by refusing/rejecting my offer to talk to me/answer my questions, in my genuine efforts to connect with her. I gave no thought to how difficult it probably was for her to trust that I would take that rejection of communication at face value. The friendship subsequently fizzled as I had no other means of connecting when I misinterpreted this request to “not ask me personal questions about myself or my life.” I had no real clue how to talk without asking. And as someone who does like to be asked deeper questions, I felt hurt by the rejection. Rightly or wrongly.

The second friend that comes to mind is the friend who loves my questions. Someone who took a very long time to warm to me, to a point of vulnerability though. Someone who took her time learning to observe me, trust me and open up completely. Someone I liked, and never gave up on. Someone who intrigued me, and whom I knew there was a wealth of depth waiting to be uncovered, but whom I didn’t press too hard for that information because time together was never a regular thing. When it became more regular, when she trusted my investment regardless, it felt more genuine to open up. This friend also often challenges my own boundaries, pushing, asking, and is often surprised at what other cards I slowly reveal. She is teaching me patience with vulnerability – and that consistent time is an important ingredient.

This brings me to the third friend. This is the friend I find fascinating. She will be completely vulnerable in one moment, then distanced or more surface level the next, as though it never happened. We enjoy frequent time together, and have done for many years now, but yet somehow, I still don’t feel I really know and understand her. I enjoy her company, yet always seem to dig for something deeper and often wonder if there is maybe just not much there to be found.  She knows I hunger for a deeper connection with her, for us to know each other like I do with my other close friends.  We can and do discuss it, which I suppose is vulnerable in itself. However, she teaches me about vulnerability in comfortability. That we know each other so intimately from time together. That she knows when I need a bathroom, I need it NOW. That I know when she laughs too much, she often pees herself. That we can read each other’s moods and body language and are more in tune with each other emotionally without the need for conversations. That we laugh about each other’s weaknesses and trust each other not to punch below the belt (too hard anyway! haha). That we spar in good humour, but we are there for one another when it comes down to it.

So, what is the point of this article? Just to acknowledge there is more than one way to experience vulnerability, which is key to friendships. That sometimes you have to be patient, sometimes you have to be understanding, or make room or allowances, sometimes you have to go first, and sometimes you can just go ahead and ask. It requires you to know your friend, and do it in the way that they feel safest. I haven’t always done that, and I am starting to see and understand why some people just seem to say I make them uncomfortable. Sorry! Haha Vulnerability means apologising sometimes too. :D

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image from https://www.mobiusleadership.com/vulnerability-is-not-a-strength/
You should find it either way if you are patient and understanding and invested, and sometimes, if you go first!

How to know if a friend cares about you?

Recently someone I considered a very close friend decided to end our communication somewhat abruptly. I did understand and respect this choice, as much as it hurt. I can’t say I saw it coming, because I didn’t, actually it kinda blindsided me. That said, the situation was complicated at best and I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn’t personal but somewhat situational. Knowing that didn’t necessarily make it hurt any less though, because my friend knew she was making a choice that would hurt me, and yet she made it anyway.

Last week I wrote about choosing yourself, just as this person did. She felt she needed to practise self-care and part of that meant taking a break from us. Although I respected this choice, I found it ironic because I had thought that I was in fact taking care of her emotionally. I thought she knew, understood and felt cared for by me, not that self-care would mean removing me. I also believed that she cared about me too, and appreciated the reciprocal role we had in one another’s lives. So while I support her choice to do for herself whatever she needs to do, I had to question how I could be so wrong about someone and the relationship we shared.

I know perspective is reality, but there is always more than one perspective, and this really challenged my reality. I would consider myself somewhat rejection sensitive. Which means I can be cynical and don’t trust people easily. It means I can jump to conclusions and sometimes assume the worst. I have very close friends who have at times needed to reassure me that they do care because I have questioned it.

Logically I have written about the 5 love languages, and the fact that if my language is time, and my friend’s language is acts of service; unless we show love in the other person’s language, they wont feel cared about, even if you do care about them. So I could spend all the time in the world with that friend, and they just feel burdened and overwhelmed and maybe even disrespected, because what they want is for me to offer to watch their child. Similarly, the other person could watch my children every week but if she didn’t spend any time with me outside of that I would not feel cared for.

But this has brought me to question further how we can tell if a friend cares about us. If they do reciprocate. If we are valuable to them, or, if at any moment we might get discarded with yesterday’s junk mail. If they value us for what and who we are and not just what we offer them, or the role we fill in their movie. Because it became clear to me that the supporting actress in this case was never actually going to make it to the credits, no matter how great she was.

My problem in the past seems to have been assuming too easily and too quickly that people don’t care about me because they don’t put in as much effort or time as I do. Believing that if I didn’t feel cared for, the fact was that I wasn’t cared for. I mean, I knew, in most cases, like if I were to die or anything dramatic the friends in question would care and be sad, but short of that, I felt they didn’t care enough to actually let me know via effort before anything extreme happened.

Of course, I know intellectually this stems from insecurity and my feelings were feeding my thoughts and perceptions. If my friends say they care about me, who am I to tell them they don’t? I don’t know what they feel and in those instances saying that I wasn’t feeling cared for would have been more useful than demanding attention to prove that they did care. I have gotten way better at accepting and trusting that a lack of time does not always equate to not caring and being able to accept and trust that those friends do care, although they don’t have as much time to show me. I believe them when they share words or sentiments or appreciate the gestures they can make in lieu of time.

But this latest round of assuming that I was cared for when I wasn’t has knocked me off my feet a little. Ok, to be fair to this person I do know they do care for me, just not enough to choose me at the end of the day. And while I went into this particular friendship with the knowledge that this was always a probability, (her partner doesn’t approve of me) I was still hopeful that it wouldn’t come to choosing, or that if it did, I would stand a chance based on merit.

I guess it was naive and not the first time I have been let down by a friend who chooses a partner over our friendship, to believe that her level of investment in me would be anywhere near strong enough to measure up to a sexual partner. So to say that I incorrectly assumed she cares might not be as accurate as saying I incorrectly assumed it mattered or made any difference. It wasn’t me who asked her to choose anyway, but in similar circumstances I chose her, and so it stung she didn’t care enough to do the same.

That isn’t meant to feed into my hero complex though, because when I chose her, I made the assumption that she needed me. It didn’t matter to me what I needed or wanted, I made the decision I thought was right. She found herself in a position where she had to do the same and she chose what she thought was right. It wasn’t me. But at least now I know she will be ok without me, she doesn’t need my help or support, and maybe she never even wanted it! She has got this. What it does tell me is that I need to make better choices for myself.

Instead of asking what is the “right thing to do” ask myself “what is the right thing to do for myself? What do I want and need from this situation and what is the best choice for me to get it?” Because at the end of the day it actually doesn’t matter who cares about me and who doesn’t if I am looking out for myself. If I care about me, maybe I won’t need to know other people do.

No matter what your friends tell you, there is no guarantee that they care about you. Or that if they do care about you that they will choose you or make the effort. Or even if they care about you today that they will still care about you tomorrow. I want to know people care so I feel less alone, but the truth is, if I was as good a friend to myself as I was to everyone else, I would never feel alone to begin with.

So in answer to my question, how do you know if a friend cares about you? You don’t know for sure. You either believe that they do or you don’t believe it, but a better question is why does it matter?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mumma, it’s Mother’s Day; and this post is for you.

I’m always somehow surprised when I look back at old photos of my childhood and realise just how young my parents really were. It’s a funny thing, isn’t it? When you are young, your parents are old by default, they are adults, and therefore they meet the only required qualification. To be clear, my parents were not young when they had me, as a matter of fact my mother was referred to as a geriatric maternity patient, when she was pregnant with my brother, and that was 6 years before I came along, before she was even 30! Oh how times have changed!

It’s sad, although interesting to reflect on, that as I was growing, I didn’t quite notice the subtle changes that my parents were also slowly growing older. That it was lost on me, until at least my mid twenties that their own journey was not over and that they too had their own lives and identities; that they too still had mistakes to make and lessons to learn. Essentially that their world was bigger than just me. (Ok me and my brother, I’ll allow him to share some attention! Haha)

Even as I learned I was expecting my own son, I leaned on my mother quite heavily. Ironically, it was lost on me that this baby I was bringing into the world would need me just as much. Probably because until I was thrust into motherhood myself, I couldn’t grasp the concept of exactly how much motherhood entailed, and how much of yourself you had to put into it by default. Now that son has grown into a teenager, who still sees me as old, shows very little interest in me as a person and basically takes me for granted (as teenagers are inclined to do) I am forced to reflect back on how negatively I impacted my own mother’s mental health at the same age!

It’s not that I don’t have fond memories of my mother, I do. The time she got into a fit of the giggles at hungry jacks, back in the days when families dined in, and she fell off her chair laughing. Shopping trips where she reluctantly bought me the unflattering clothes I demanded despite her best advice. (Photo’s prove I should have listened!) The day she relented and let me get a dog despite her better judgement. Washing my dolls clothes and hanging them up on a little washing line with baby pegs while she did the actual washing. Her lovingly holding my forehead when I was sick. Her teaching me to make pikelets and flip them on my own on the griddle. Her lovingly placing my pyjamas on the heater on cold nights or allowing me to go for a quick dip in the pool at night when it was too hot to sleep.

I am sure there are many more. But there are also many memories of me being painful, spoilt, entitled and ungrateful. Taking way more than I would give, unless of course you count giving attitude, of which I gave plenty!  But if you count consideration, I gave none. True story. My mother worked fulltime. She got up early every day to peel and cut the potatoes and put them on the stove ready for dinner. She took the meat out to defrost. She made my lunch, and my brother’s and father’s, while she most likely went without (I don’t know for sure, because I was too self absorbed to notice.) She prepared breakfast for us all and ironed any uniforms or work clothes for the day. Then she quickly got herself dressed, applied moisturiser and a coat of lipstick before rushing out to catch the 7am bus. At the end of every afternoon, she would call home, and remind me to put the potatoes on to boil. They were already on the stove in water from this morning. All I had to do was turn it on, wait for the water to boil and reduce the flame when it did. Then she would come in and make the dinner. If she didn’t call me everyday then I didn’t do it. When she did call, I would remind her that I was not her slave and complain heavily to anyone who would listen about how unjust this was and how she treated my brother and I like slaves! HA! The irony!  I complained we ate potato with every meal ( UK heritage) and that I disliked most of the meals. I refused to help wash up after dinner, always saying I would get to it later, not understanding my mother wanted to finally finish her day and sit down to relax! As I got older and started to drive, I refused to tell her where I was going with whom, or when or if I would be home for dinner.

I rebelled and rebuffed her efforts to connect with me, finding them intrusive rather than recognising that she was merely showing an interest in my life. I told myself that she had never shown much interest before, because she “chose” working over me, and therefore punished her by showing disinterest at the stage where my life perhaps actually became interesting.

I was a needy child. I wanted my mother’s attention all to myself. I resented the easy relationship she had with my brother and the lack of rapport between herself and I. Looking back, he was more grateful than I was, definitely more helpful, and he was an easier child. He required little attention, happy to slip into quiet imaginary worlds, read books and otherwise entertain himself. I lacked those qualities. I needed someone to talk to me, to play with me, to make a mess with me. (My mother doesn’t do well with mess!) I demanded more than she had to give and was wounded when it wasn’t given. I wasn’t neglected in any sense of the word, but yet I always felt overlooked, inconvenient, in the way and ignored.

It wasn’t until I had my own children that I began to revisit those early expectations. To know that a mother has so many responsibilities to juggle, that my expectation was impossible to meet. That her getting up early to do all those things was in fact her way of showing love. That she’d have loved to spend more time playing with me but as a working mother, time was the one resource she lacked. That of course she was human and wanted to connect with other mothers and form friendships for herself.  That as I grew older and gained more independence, her load lessened and that is when she had time to connect and give me that attention I craved. That it didn’t have to be too little too late.

This Mother’s Day, many of you aren’t as fortunate to still have a mother to celebrate with. Perhaps many of you never reached this point in time to let her know you saw her sacrifices and you now recognise them as love. To love her back as fiercely as she loved you. I am lucky to still have my mother. I love watching her delight in my children and understanding she couldn’t delight in me in those ways, but that she did delight in me, and she still does. My own mother never got the chance to really experience this to it’s fullest with her own mother, as she was taken too soon. A pain I cannot and do not want to imagine, whilst raising babies of your own in the midst of that grief.

So I want this post to be a gift to my mother, and I hope those of you who still have the opportunity do the same. Let your mothers know that you see them. That you are interested in them as people. Their childhoods, their life before you were born. Their dreams and hopes. The things that made them who they are today. And most of all, how much you impacted their life, and how much you know they loved and did for you. Therapists like to talk a lot about the concept of parents “impacted our lives” however this post looks to acknowledge the impact I had on hers, and apologise for the wrongs I did. How hard I made her life. That feels equally important.  I have written a post similar to this before, and with any luck I will get the opportunity to write many more. And I will say yes to every opportunity to show love the way she has done.

I am so lucky to have a mother today. Even luckier that it is you and I can finally call you my friend. Thank you for the years of patience and love, for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself, for being there for me when I didn’t deserve it and for loving me at my worst. As I age, I slowly morph into you, and I couldn’t think of a better person to be.

I love you My Mumma; My friend. Happy Mother’s Day.

❤ Love you,
Your Best Friend ForEver
xx

The Unchosen

I have posted previously about “The back-up friend” and this post follows a similar trajectory. It aims to acknowledge friendships as the secondary relationships of life, while also pushing the boundaries of still wanting it to be a priority. Second place should not after all feel like last place. Should it? This post also aims to recognise what a huge role personal circumstance plays in our values and expectations around friendships, but yet also how those values impact our perspectives. However the main aim here is to underline that friendships are a choice, and that many of us feel unchosen, regardless of how many friends we have.

I am only one person, so I can offer only my own perspectives on this which have been based on my experiences. That is not to say that I am right, or that there is no other way to look at things. The nature of this blog as a whole is to always remind readers that rejections in friendships are almost never personal. But the reason I need a whole blog about it is because when you are in the thick of friendship drama it FEELS personal. Not only that, we almost want it to be personal…. Because our friendships are personal.

No matter how many times I experience this feeling of not being chosen, it still hurts. No matter how much I can rationalise it or think logically about all the reasons I shouldn’t feel hurt, I think it is important to hold space for the fact that it does. The part of our brain that feels emotion often fires first, which brings me back to “are your feelings fact or fiction” (spoiler alert, they’re not facts.)

Many of us do not anticipate friendships ending. We aren’t living in a society that gives the concept of friendship much conscious consideration, but regardless the general ideas that float around are that true friendships last forever. Which hasn’t been helpful in my experience because many of them have ended. So not only is it unexpected, there is also no script of how to feel or act in this situation. My blog wants to address that! If feeling unchosen in romance feels bad, at least you can console yourself with the fact that every person chooses only one other. It stands to reason people want to thoroughly explore their options before choosing that one person. However, when you can choose as many people as you like, and you are still not even among the collective group of chosen ones, it does hit a person where it hurts. Right in the ego perhaps?

For someone like me, who is very conscious of friendships and the pleasure and value they add to my life, I am also very conscious of giving a lot to my friends. Being that no 2 people are the same, no 2 friendships are the same either. So yes, some require more than others. But I like to think I am conscious of the baseline requirements for each person and aim slightly higher than that.

For me, this means I tend to be the social planner, the one who will suggest time together. In some ways it is the best way to assure my seat at the table, assuming responsibility for the name cards. It means remembering special occasions without social media and making a fuss. It means being there for someone even if they are stuck in the same pattern they never escape and they come to you with the same problem over and over and over. It means reassurance and effort to be someone worth choosing, because when time is so valuable and limited, you have to be rewarding and valuable if you want people to choose to spend it on you.

I am well liked in my social group. All of my friends have wonderful things to say about me. My ex friends probably don’t, because they will be the people with whom I ceased putting in the effort when I felt unchosen in some way.

I don’t love it that friendships are secondary. However I have no choice but to accept it and I run a pretty good race for someone who knows second place is as good as it is going to get. I can accept a secondary place in a friend’s life. I observe their lives and how they spend their time and try to be convenient, not ask for a primary spot. I will allow you space at the beginning of a new romance to build what you need to with a partner, or not ask for time on the weekends because you are family oriented and that is when you see your family. I will however ask for the same energy I give you in return.

If I make time for you when my partner is available, I will expect that you will return the favour once in a while. If I am prepared to get up and message with you during a crises at 3am, I will expect you to be there for me when I need you. Sometimes it falls out of balance and I ask for more than I give, but more often than not I make sure I give more than I ask for. Maybe the problem is that I give more than they ask for even if they are willing to take it?

However, there always seems to come a time when no matter how much I have given, if something has to give, I will be the neglected party. I will be the person people choose to walk away from. No matter how valuable I was as a friend, it seems time and time again that friendship just isn’t a value to most people. The same thing that attracts them to me in the first place, will eventually drive them away.

And I used to wonder what specifically was driving them away. How could I be more valuable to people. How could I be less disposable? How could I find someone that would choose me when it was hard? How could I find someone that was giving what I was expecting not out of obligation but out of true desire to do so? How could I feel chosen?

Friendships are reciprocal, or at least they are meant to be, however I now know when someone doesn’t choose me, they are choosing themselves. And what a wonderful powerful realisation that is. I can choose me. I don’t need to walk around choosing friends, giving to receive. I can walk around with confidence knowing I am worth being chosen, being friendly, and seeing who gives to me before I reciprocate. I don’t need to control my seat at the table.

If I sit alone, with room for others, the right people will approach me for friendship. And I can choose if they will earn a seat with me. Because it is better to sit alone at your own table than to feel invisible at someone else’s.

To all the friends that didn’t choose me; thank you for leading by example. You chose yourselves. I wasn’t right for you. That is ok. Just know that I tried. We both deserve happiness and when you left my life, you made room for someone who actually wants to be there. I am good enough to be at your table, but from here on I have my own table and I choose me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Fall Back friend

How familiar are you with the friend who says “my partner is out of town, let’s catch up?” or does the friend who always calls when they are on leave from work sound familiar? Maybe the friend who is your bestie between partners but suddenly drops of the face of the earth the minute they are coupled up?

Whatever the reason, this friend tends to come and go from your life in unpredictable spurts, leaving you confused as to your actual meaning in their life, right? They think it is acceptable just to ditch you and roll on back to you later when the other people in their life are unavailable. If you are anything like me, you value consistency and this coming and going from your life is unnerving?

I am the first to admit that I have high expectations of my friends. I need them to carve out time in their lives on a semiregular basis to actually show up face to face and spend some quality time with me. I prefer it if there isn’t a long silence in between those times and that we maintain some level of basic communication or interaction.

That said, I am also the first to admit I will take a step back when a friend takes a partner. Obviously initially I respect the fact that they are attempting to build something meaningful between them and they will need time and privacy to do that. (Once that initial awkward dating phase ends that bring us closer as we debate the meanings of emoji’s in texts and what to wear on dates of course.) I assume responsibility for my friendships with my single friends.

That means I will suggest events, regularly message and invite them to go places etc… however, I have noticed an unspoken, and perhaps misunderstood pattern whereby I will pull back on these things and expect my friends to take the reins when they have entered a relationship. Not wanting to step on toes, and wanting to respect the new relationships my friends are exploring can possibly come off as a sudden disinterest from me.

Of course, if any of them appeared to notice or ask me about it, I could communicate that, however what tends to happen is that they get blissfully happy and start doing all the partnership things like sleepovers, family events, moving in, getting engaged, having kids etc…. whatever feels right for them. And sometimes, some of my friends have been known to kinda forget about our friendship and don’t remember until the first Saturday night they face alone for whatever reason. Then they suddenly reach out with the I miss you messages….

And of course, I am torn by this. Because part of me wants them to be happy and accepts that they are, which is why I haven’t heard from them. While the other part of me feels annoyed because all the while I made the effort when I was partnered. I will allow for the fact that my husband and I are settled. We have passed the honeymoon phase, cohabited, married and had kids. I will also allow for the fact that his hours are such that most of the time he isn’t actually around anyway, so maybe I am no better, just by design more available when he isn’t.

I accept the nature of friendships is to grow in the cracks of one another’s time, which is constricted by so many other roles and responsibilities. Yet, it still stings when a friend only rolls around when whatever else they have going on suddenly shift or end. I agree that forgiveness and going with the flow are imperative elements of long term friendships, and that these friends were not ill intentioned in our friendship. After all, any time they have needed me, I was there, so they have no reason to suspect that anything has changed between us.

Because when I needed them, they didn’t always know. Even if I was brave enough to reach out, if their best attempt to console me was a brief message saying “It will all be ok, sending love” I don’t feel loved and I am unlikely to ask for any more support, IF I asked for any to begin with. Of course I can’t entirely blame a friend for not offering me the support I didn’t ask for and they didn’t even know I needed.

However, I am always pretty clear that what I need is time, fairly regularly. If they don’t want to put in the time, then I will be less inclined to humour the odd request when they do have a spare moment. If the friendship is meaningful enough then I will make the time and try to treasure it based on its rarity and appreciate that with this only small nugget of time they have they chose to spend it with me! Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change indeed!

On the other hand, I also can’t deny I am torn. If a friend behaves in this manner, especially the kind who disappears and resurfaces only when single, I wont invest as heavily. I wont be the best version of a friend I can be, because I know that even if it’s not about me, that this person will leave again. When someone has already chosen to discard you, maybe more than once, is it ok not to continue allowing that behaviour?

I don’t want to advise anyone to cut off their nose to spite their face, however I think it sounds reasonable to say I want to be chosen by my friends. Actively chosen against perhaps better options. I don’t think it is a healthy pattern for me to continue allowing people to come and go from my life in this manner because it is hurtful to me and most of them do actually know that. I am not respecting myself, or asserting a boundary that I require consistency.

Moving forward I will have this conversation more candidly with people. I will also ask them single or otherwise, what their ideal relationship style looks like. Because maybe I am just not compatible with people who expect their partner to also be their best friend. That doesn’t leave much room for me and I would be wiser to accept this from the start. Most people, when asked directly how they handle friendships and relationships will deny they ditch their friends for a partner, so asking what they would ideally like in their future is a less direct but usually more effective way of assessing this.

I could risk losing some great people by limiting myself this way of course, I wouldn’t necessarily refuse to have anything to do with someone, just to limit the time and investment and keep it at a level I feel we can both maintain regardless, because once bitten, twice shy. Trying not to be extreme in your thinking, (or too rigid,) but also trying to still protect yourself is a difficult balance.

Thoughts?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do opposites attract in friendships?

My love of trashy eighties pop music is no secret, so you won’t be surprised to hear I was happily listening to my Paula Abdul album while pondering new fodder for blogs. When the song “Opposites Attract” came on I wondered if that was applicable to friendships. Does attraction come into friendships at all?

I always like to compare the similarities and differences between friendships and relationships, and am resigned to the fact that the ways that most people differentiate the 2 is by drawing a boundary physically. I know some situations challenge this idea, as we looked at in recent weeks. There are many more complicated dynamics in some situations or friendships, but for the sake of simplicity, today I am only referencing strictly platonic connections.

I suppose it is fair to say attraction would be the appropriate term to describe what draws us to a friendship with one person over another, but I am referencing physical attraction. Are we more attracted to individuals considered to be conventionally attractive? Or are we more likely to actively select less attractive friends on the basis of feeling more secure in ourselves? Or is it more accurate that we align ourselves with people we feel are of a similar social standing/appearance as ourselves?

Having observed my own patterns and those of the people around me, the answers to this seem to vary based on an individual’s self-esteem and their values. One friend reflected that most of her friends tend to be thin, while she is not. Although she aspires and admires this quality in her friends, she also quipped that it can make her feel insecure in those friendships and she doesn’t always feel completely able to be herself around them for fear of judgement. The people she aspires to be friends with are often people she feels are better than herself in some way, although these friendships can fail to launch due to her self-esteem telling her not to bother those beautiful people too much, and that if you must try, usefulness is key for lack of a more svelte physique.

I have also come across people who actively admit that they prefer to surround themselves with lesser attractive people. Some claim they have found these people to be nicer, in a way exploiting their low self-worth! However the pursuer has no higher self-esteem either, that is why they choose this path. This person wants to be the best house on a bad street rather than the worst on a good one, like our last scenario. By comparison to their friends, they appear more attractive, and at times consider that they are doing their friends a favour in socialising with them at all, almost an act of charity. However one has to assume deep down this is based on the fear that they are not quite good enough for people they would like to consider themselves on par with. Perhaps they also feel it is less effort and their friends are less likely to leave them.

In my own experiences I think it would be fair to say most of my friends seem to be on par with where I would rate myself physically. Each of them with their unique beauty, however probably traditionally average in terms of appearance. What I mean by that is that I like friends I can relate to. As weight has always been a struggle for me, many of my friends have struggled too. This is by no means code to say we are all overweight, simply that we have all struggled and weight tends to fluctuate. None of us would likely be chosen for a supermodel competition, however I would not say any of us are remarkably unattractive. I don’t recall selecting persons based on these attributes, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I noticed or even felt more comfortable around people I felt I could instantly relate to, or who wouldn’t judge me based on size alone.

This reflects that similar to my friend in the first example, weight is something I notice and which influences my thoughts and feelings if I like it or not. Being self-aware generally means to observe yourself without judgement, just to notice things and be impartial to what you notice. This of course reflects more on myself than my friends, showing that I feel judged in general based on size, and it does influence my choices.

My last example is a friend who seems to have no active preferences when it comes to her friendships. Open and warm to all people, she has friends of varied levels of attractiveness, and does not limit herself based on anything physical. I have to hope this means she is very comfortable in herself, unconcerned with judgements of others, and does not allow her fears to rule her choices or limit her. When discussing this topic she described her attraction to others as more of an aura or presence. She felt she was similar to me in that she was drawn to people she felt she could relate to, but those relations were not swayed or limited by appearances alone.

I suspect she is onto something there, however I do tend to believe that in some circumstances, like in the second scenario opposites do attract. Not always a good thing though as it is portrayed in the song! And unlike magnets, sometimes similarities attract too, but is this limiting potential? All of us need to be more mindful that people are not tools to be used to gain social standing or acceptance. They are not stepping stones to a better life, nor charities.

Because attraction is not usually something we choose, I cannot ask you to change yourself. What I can suggest however, is that you are more aware of the connections you are forming with people and if they are fulfilling and meaningful and reciprocal. If you notice you have unhealthy patterns, try approaching your next friendship with more confidence and inner security and see how it changes things?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If you want the friendship to stay the same then your effort has to also stay the same.

In the past few weeks, I have reflected here on a friendship which had become very close over the past few years, and then abruptly changed last year because circumstances for both of us also changed. While I have written about this situation before, when speaking with a friend about a similar situation between her and one of her friends more recently, I had a little epiphany about it I thought I should share.

Previously my friend’s friend lived close by the dog park where my friend takes her dogs walking most days. As a consequence of that, my friend often stopped by on the way to or from the dog park. It may have been for 10 minutes or an hour. Sometimes it was a social visit, or to deliver or even borrow something. Whatever the reason, those small increments of time added up. These small interactions meant they knew the little details of each other’s lives.

They knew if one of them had a bad day, they knew if something funny happened, and they knew the general schedule and ins and outs of daily life. They felt connected. My friend felt like a part of the family, she even had a key for their house. Not that she needed it because she would just let herself in through the open door. They left it unlocked for her.

It felt warm and safe and very secure. It felt forever, as family does. However, things changed. Distance started creeping in first when my friend became more involved with her own family when another new member arrived. Then a group friendship issue seemed to spill over a little into the bond and widened the cracks, although it wasn’t spoken about. Then my friend’s friend moved around half an hour away.

All of a sudden, in a short space of time, daily drop in’s had become every few days, then weekly, then monthly, and wittered down to birthdays and Christmas within a year. My friend felt very low about this as she expressed to me that it felt she was still making the effort but they were not. She said the friendship felt distant, strained, and unimportant and essentially she felt pushed out. She no longer had a key to their lives or their hearts, and she missed them.

But during this discussion we landed on the fact that her friend had never really made any effort in this friendship. My friend came and went from their house while they got on with their daily lives. It wasn’t her fault, this was just convenient for them both. It could also be said while my friend was the one making all the effort, it wasn’t actually an effort, as she was passing anyway. Like, she wasn’t specifically going to visit them, but happened to stop by before or after the activity which she was doing anyway.

Now, all of a sudden this friendship was heavy because it required planning and effort to go and see them. Foresight to make invitations and suggestions. Thought about one another. They hadn’t been weighed down by this before. Of course we think about loved ones on birthdays or Christmas or other special occasions, but day to day? Probably not really.

So my friend was only partially right when she said her friend couldn’t accuse her of not making an effort. Before she was making much more effort to keep in touch with them daily, however now she was only making minimal effort. Her friend has continued to make the same minimal to no effort that she always made. The difference is that where it was convenient to make the effort before it no longer is.

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, has to be that if you want the friendship to be as rewarding as it always was, you must maintain the same amount of effort you always did.

I am not suggesting it should all be my friend’s responsibility just because it always has been. It would be fantastic if she could speak with her friend and ask with some help carrying the load. I have recommended it. However my friend is likely insecure she won’t be worth the effort because she never asked for that before.

What I am suggesting is that my friend made more effort before because it was convenient. Now it is not convenient she IS making less effort and that IS why the bond isn’t the same. She could still make time to do a quick video chat, send memes or messages to keep the connection alive, but because it isn’t in her face, like driving past their house, she doesn’t remember.

You have to make conscious effort, you have to be mindful of your connections. My friend could put a weekly reminder in to call them. She could invite them to her house if she doesn’t feel like driving there. She could make plans to meet someplace half way for a meal. She could send notes in the mail or send memes or messages. Gifts or articles that say “I saw this and thought of you.” Things that keep them connected.

At the end of the day, if you change the amount of effort, the amount of friendship changes too. It is not always convenient! It is not always easy. But it is always worth it.

My friend eventually took my advice and talked to her friend. Invited her, and the group as an olive branch to a brunch at her house. Her friend, and the group accepted this invitation gracefully, and my friend is already feeling happier.

Just like anything in life, effort is everything. Rewards don’t come for free. Resilience is key. Keep trying. The friendship probably won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it won’t still be meaningful because they made the choice to stay connected!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Eight Eggcellent Easter Endearments rE our (alter) Ego’s (otherwise known as friends!)

image by Kayla Speid unsplash https://unsplash.com/photos/ZCviVBuvFy0

image by Kara Cervera from unsplash https://unsplash.com/photos/we4l7ch6iwc

Image by Ferdinand Studio Unsplash https://unsplash.com/photos/PmExD76SU5w

Happy Easter to all the Good eggs out there, even if they are a little cracked!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is the enemy of my enemy my friend? Is the enemy of my friend, my enemy?

So you used to be a group of 3 or more, and 2 of the people have parted ways. What does that mean for you? Or the new friend you just made turns out to be the enemy of your best friend’s sister? What then? How about if you happen to run into your ex friends other ex-friend? In complicated circumstances, should those circumstances dictate the terms of your friendship? Are there certain circumstances where you shouldn’t be friends with someone or whereby you should even?

Friendships are meant to be the simpler relationship on the menu of life, however, in my experience that actually isn’t true at all. They themselves can be complicated within the dynamic between 2 people, and just like romantic bonds, third parties can indeed get involved and complicate matters, as in the examples above.

Let’s start with the latter example. You have a falling out with a close friend. Over the course of your friendship, they had a falling out with another friend, and no longer speak. You were not friends with that other person, even if you were familiar with them travelling in similar circles, or just knew of them through your once mutual friend.  Then life happens, and circumstances bring you and this person together…. Can you be friends? Should you be? Would that seem like a weird alliance or alternatively do you owe your ex friend some loyalty even though you are no longer on good terms?

Honestly, there is no right or wrong answers to this. If you sought this person out on the sole basis that perhaps your issue with the middle person was similar, and you wanted to fact check and vent, I’d probably advise against it. Therapy or time to resolve your feelings about the middle person might be a healthier step than seeking out someone to discuss them with. On the other hand, it is possible that perhaps verifying certain things will give you closure and help you move on. Whichever way it happened, make sure you have more in common with this person than the middle man, so to speak and grow your connection away from that source?

If however, circumstance brought you together after a long while apart from the middle man, I see no reason why you shouldn’t befriend this person, nor why you should. If you like them, proceed, and try and forget anything the ex-friend said about them. It is always important to use your own judgement to make up your own mind about a person based on your own experiences of them. Within reason, that is. What your ex friend thinks shouldn’t play into it. And, for that matter it still shouldn’t even if you are still friends with that person. They don’t own you or control you or have any say in who you can be friends with. If someone tries to dictate who you can be friends with or can’t be that is a red flag about them!

Ok, so what about the first scenario, where you end up playing piggy in the middle between 2 squabbling friends? Don’t play. It really is that simple. If you like them both, you are perfectly capable of maintaining clear friendship boundaries. Don’t encourage them to talk about one another, and do not break confidences if you do end up catching things in the middle. Simply maintain that you hope they can figure out their differences but that you won’t be getting involved. It is pretty important you are clear with both parties that you like the other person and consider them a friend. Otherwise you will drown in the secrets and lies of trying to keep your friendship with each of them quiet from the other and open yourself up to unfavourable gossip that may later come back to bite you.

In the middle scenario, you are one step removed. The person you have met is the enemy of your friend by proxy. This person had a falling out with someone your friend is close to. You really like them, but then when you are excited and talking about them with your friend, they figure out the connection and warn you not to proceed. They share a pretty nasty story about this new person and you feel conflicted about it. The information they shared seems to conflict what you know about them, but, you have to admit that you don’t know them that well yet.

My advice here is proceed, but proceed with caution. There is 2 sides to every story, but actually the story didn’t concern you and it isn’t your business. There may be things that you don’t know that would explain this further, and as it wasn’t your friend who was involved, but someone else, you can bet it was a game of Chinese whispers. The information you are receiving is tainted. Do not believe everything you hear.  At the same time, be aware of red flags that validate any concerns you may have.

At the end of the day, friendship is an optional relationship. You are not obligated to become friends, or stay friends, with anyone, ever. Every friendship has its own risks and rewards, and it is up to you and only you who you proceed with. But I advise you to make those decisions for yourself and avoid temptation to give in to gossip. Worst case you learn a lesson and best case you make a wonderful friend.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Scraps of time; Friendship Fertiliser or Weed Killer? You decide.

I tell people all the time to be more mindful of their friendships; to mentally put aside time and reminders to reach out to their friends. This is particularly important for super busy people, who can easily go months without really speaking to anyone “just because.” I don’t believe friendships are a waste of time, and nor do those people, however some people strive on more focused time and goals and friendships just don’t fit well into that narrative.  

So I tell these people, invite a friend to meet you for lunch near your office on your lunch hour, or send a quick message every Friday night just to get into the habit of dedicating that time to friendships, because they ARE important. I stand by this advice, but I want to point out that this alone will never be enough. It is like watering your plants with only a drop of water instead of a sprinkle.

These steps are the maintenance during the drought to make sure the crop survives the harsh conditions to flourish again when the time is right. How long the drought lasts is entirely your call, however you better know your crop well enough to know how long it can handle the dry before it dies of thirst.

The good thing about friendships as opposed to plants is that they don’t need daily attention, and they can alert you when it is time for a good watering. The bad thing is that when we see a plant starting to droop or brown, we water it or actively decide to let it die, we don’t get angry at it for needing more attention, whereas with friendships sometimes we do. On the other hand, a thirsty plant will quickly absorb any drops of water offered willingly and gratefully, and that isn’t always the case with a friendship.

I have a friend who only calls in the car. That is her purposeful time for friendships where she can multitask and use her driving time effectively to water her friendship garden. Sometimes there is purpose to her calls, but most often she is just calling to say hello and touch base. Her intentions are good, and yet I struggle to accept them that way. I don’t know why it bothers me that she calls while driving, but I cannot deny it does.

Or perhaps, what bothers me is that she ONLY calls while driving. The other day she called me while I was getting my hair done and I couldn’t answer her call. I texted her to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to speak on the phone at that moment and I would call her when I was done. But I knew she had called because she was driving and if I didn’t call her back before she reached her destination, I wouldn’t get to speak to her! Sure enough I called when I was finished at the hair salon but no answer. Again, no answer when I called an hour after that. She did message that she would call me later, but she didn’t.

Well, that isn’t true, to be fair to her, she did call. She called the next morning, when she was driving to work! Now I understand that is when it was convenient for her to call. However, she knows I have school aged children to get organised for the school day and that it was not the most convenient time for me to take her call. I should also note that it was my choice to take her call that morning. I could have said “sorry, not a good time for me, I will call you later.” However by the time she is driving again I will be in the dinner, bath, and bed routine with the kids. So by that logic, it is never convenient for me to take her call at the times it is convenient for her to make them.

This makes me feel that although she was the one making the effort to call, that (A) the onus is actually on me to inconvenience myself to take the calls because she wont inconvenience herself to speak at other times, and that (B) I am not important enough to speak to when it is inconvenient. That doesn’t make what I feel fact, however if I feel it then it is still valid. And surely I have a point.

Something else that bothers me about it is sometimes she calls with news or conversations which warrant more time than she has to discuss them? Why call to ask how I am, only for you to tell me as I begin sharing that you have to go now? It frustrates me no end!

Only call me when you actually have time to talk!

But that is probably because I enjoy long meandering conversations and she doesn’t. She finds them pointless and a waste of time! It is because I assign a meaning to her calls that she doesn’t intend to attach to it herself. That I am a not a priority and calling me is just another thing to tick off her list and fill the silence in the car! As she is the one making the call, I can only assume her intention is quite the opposite and what she means to portray is that she used what little time she had to call me and that is because it was important and she didn’t want to just not call at all?! Should I not focus on her intentions when it is her call and her time?

Why do I find this hard to accept? I find it hard to accept because I separate myself from my inner plant! If I have a need to talk to her, I should drink up the drop that she called and accept it for what it is. I should not reject the drop, or the call, because it isn’t enough for me! But what is the solution to this conundrum, short of dying of thirst?

Simple, I don’t use these calls for conversation as much as I use them to secure some of her time face to face in person! Short calls for arranging plans are fine. It doesn’t have to take more than a few minutes to agree that you will go to the new local Mexican place for dinner on Friday night, or invite her over for a coffee on Sunday afternoon.  By doing this, I am letting her know that my inner plant is still thirsty, while respecting her limited time to make the call.

And by continuing to call, she keeps in touch, keeps the connection alive. Being that she has figured out by now that I will ask for time when she calls, her continued calling assures me that our friendship is important, and that is why she calls. If she stopped calling or I stopped answering then it would die. The calls have now become the light rain in between catch ups.

If all we had were the calls; that would not be enough. But I know she is busy, and she doesn’t like to message. This is her communication style and preference, and I accept that about her, even if it irritates me sometimes. I know I irritate her sometimes too with my own habits, like my preference for long winded wordy messages! Haha So we compromise and make allowances.

Friendships are a bit like weeds that grow in the cracks of spare time in people’s lives. With love and positive intention, they thrive in most conditions and often actually bloom into beautiful flowers that make you wonder why it was labelled a weed in the first place. A bit like why this blog questions why friendships aren’t given the attention they deserve as a concept, or a place of priority and recognition in society……

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

7 Signs someone is trying to befriend you!

We hear often these days about how friendships are hard to make as adults. I don’t deny this to be true, but I tend to question, is that because we are missing the signs or attempts of others to become our friends in the first place?

Making friends as a child or young person seems so much easier, but is that just because we are more open to new friendships then? More trusting and less selective? Maybe that is not such a bad thing? As we grow older, we have learnt from experience that not everyone is our friend, and that can leave us wary of new people. Added to that, we may be closed off to new people because of all the judgements we have learned to make along the way?

Not only that, but our social circles are more well developed, and we may have more strict criteria we are looking to fill. Not to mention that of course, we prefer to make friends of our own selection than perhaps be the passive selection of someone else.

I am not suggesting all of these things are negatives, I am just as guilty as anyone else of having a quiet preference for the type of friend I am open to making, or should that be hoping to make? What I am saying is that perhaps these things all add up over time and make us blind to some of the subtle, or not so subtle hints and signs that people around us are putting out that they are available for friendship!

1. They take an active interest in your life.
You might hardly know this person, or perhaps only know them in a casual or professional sense, yet every time you see them, you notice they remember details you told them last time you met up. They follow up with you about how your holiday family dinner went, or remember that last time you spoke they considered buying an air fryer and ask if you decided to get one. Sure, maybe it is just polite conversation, but if you don’t remember anything they disclosed, you might be missing a new opportunity for connection.

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2. They mention places they have been
What if every time you cross paths with someone they are telling you all about the latest new bar or comedy club they have been to? You might think that they are just bragging, and making you feel bad for the lack of places you go, but in reality maybe they are hoping you will take an interest and ask to join them sometime or maybe hoping to meet you there?

3. They invite you places
Maybe this person is always hosting a pyramid scheme party and inviting you along and you think they are just trying to make money. Or maybe they always seem to be hosting dinners or parties and say you’re welcome but you feel it is more of a pity invitation than an actual invite, because the party came up in conversation. Chances are though, that they do actually hope you will come along. One of my very close friends and I started this way, and she said that she liked that I always said yes, even though I didn’t really know her or anyone else there. Haha Maybe this is in line with my quality time love language, or maybe I was just a new mum desperate to get out of the house away from the baby at any given opportunity to have adult conversation!

4. They compliment you.
Ok this might make some of you squirm a little, but friendships aren’t that different to relationships at the onset. If someone always has something positive to say about your clothes, scent or personality, chances are that is their way of telling you that they like you. You might think they are just being nice or trying to flatter you…. But why would they do that? Because flattery gets you everywhere, that is why! Not to mention that we generally like people we admire, and we generally compliment people we admire…. So you do the math….. A person who expresses love by means of words of affirmation is most likely to use this tactic to make friends.

5. They buy you things.
Ok, so I should start by acknowledging friendship is not something that can be bought, but if your colleague often buys you a coffee in the morning, it may be their way of telling you that they thought of you and remembered your order. Or if they often say they saw something they just had to get for you, however small, a magnet or a pen, they are probably trying to reflect in their behaviour that they consider you a friend. Everyone has a different love language and theirs may be gifts.

6. They are always doing favours for you, or even asking you for favours.
Obviously, working love languages into this piece brings us to acts of service. Some people measure friendship by how helpful 2 people can be to one another. So, if the person sitting next to you suggests an exchange of favours, for example, they will type up your meeting minutes if you wouldn’t mind scanning in some papers for them instead, you may find they are actually trying to befriend you. Or if they walk past 4 people to ask you to borrow a pen, or are the first person to offer you one when yours stops working, chances are, they are interested in friendship!

7. They hug you hello and goodbye.
Ok, for some people this might simply be a cultural thing, or others may feel it is the polite thing to do. However, for many people this is another way they indicate that they feel comfortable and close with you, as most people don’t customarily hug strangers or acquaintances. Even an over enthusiastic hand shake can indicate interest and excitement! Of course this touches on those people who have a love language of physical touch, which does extend to friendship in subtle ways. Arm touches when they laugh, or a loving embrace during a tough time.

This is not meant to be an inclusive list, these are just a few of the things you might be missing when someone is interested in being your friend. We tend to relate better to people with the same styles or approach as our own, however we may be missing out on some fantastic people because we don’t recognise the signs.

At the end of the day, not many people will approach friendships in a direct blunt manner and simply ask you for friendship. It is a more subtle dance than that, whereby you make increasing reciprocal steps until it feels safe to define it as a friendship. If you don’t recognise the steps, you may be out of sync!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

OF FRIENDSHIP

3 types of friendships; Aristotle's philosophy and why it matters.

Thanking a fan mail from Anika for this suggested topic on Aristotle! Keep writing in folks! =)

Back in history, a well-known Greek Philosopher named Aristotle described 3 types of friendship. The categories were:

Friendships of Utility
Friendships of Pleasure
Friendships of the Good.

(Wikipedia reference here)

The first type of friendship – friendship of utility, was meant to describe what we would likely refer to today as an acquaintance. It didn’t require you to like the person particularly, or for them to like you, but offered you both some sort of reward for cordial interaction. For example the lady who sells dog treats at the local dog park. You might know her name, and act friendly toward her. She is familiar with you and your pet’s names or behaviours. However you know nothing more about one another and have no desire to know more. You are friendly to one another on the basis that you want discounted organic dog treats for your pets, and she wants to make money from selling her goods. You are useful to each other, however the term friend would not really accurately describe your association.

This is not to be confused with a friend who uses you, and only makes contact when they want something, although by all means I would hesitate to use the word friend in that circumstance too! Nor is it used to describe acts of service between 2 friends of a different category. Friends in this category are people you recognise, you have pleasant conversation with, but said conversation is surface level and inconsequential generally speaking. You will have many “friendships” in this category over your lifetime and none of them will be likely to stand out or be remembered. You are unlikely to notice or to care when the association ends. It wont be a painful parting.

The second type of friendship is what Aristotle named Friendships of Pleasure. These are friends that we spend time with regularly because you delight in their company – or perhaps the activity which brings you together. For example you may have a good friend in art class. While you are there to practise and learn about art, you very much enjoy the wine and gossip with your friend you made in the class too. These are commonly colleagues. You genuinely like these people. You spend time regularly and consistently, however, the bond doesn’t seem to grow outside of the bounds of its birthplace. Maybe you tried and they weren’t interested or vice versa, or neither of you ever thought to expand the friendship. Sometimes you did try and it turned out the friendship only flourished under quite unique circumstances. For example, you both love art and wine, however the similarities end there. You live in a fancy apartment in the city, work a corporate office job and spend weekends at the theatre, whereas they live in a beach shack on the coast, write for a living and spend their time surfing. You might enjoy hearing about one another’s lives, but not enough to participate in that lifestyle.

Friends with benefits may fall into this category. Just shy of being something meaningful. You will remember these people after you part, but the chances are high that in time, you will part. There will be many of these people that come and go from your life. They are meaningful and should you meet again, it is likely you will be flooded with memories and fondness. However, the interactions are still not likely to rekindle. Once the flame dies out in these connections, it usually doesn’t respark. This doesn’t mean you were never meant to be friends or that the friendships weren’t real, only that they weren’t lasting.  You will miss these people, but you are unlikely to long for them or feel heart broken by them.

I guess in my own life, these are my activity friends. The people I enjoy because I like their company, but in equal measure because I enjoy the activities we share. Movies, day spa’s, dinners, escape rooms, hotels, nails, shopping….. there may or may not be a valuable emotional connection with depth, it may vary, it may be reciprocal or one sided, but you hang in there because it is fun, more than fulfilling.

I, myself, wonder if most of these pairings could have become more, except each person’s quota was full for making more connections. Neither had the energy to sustain more, even if they were compatible in theory. Even if one person makes the effort, it takes 2. If both people are not open and available for the connection to grow, it wont. It took me a very long time to understand that wasn’t always personal.  

I think it is quite common, actually for only one of the 2 people in any close friendship to put the friendship in this category. I am quite certain I have friends who only do this level, the next level being reserved strictly for family. One person in the pairing tends to have a much more casual attitude towards the bond than the other. I have actually wondered if we all don’t do this to people without being aware of it. Limited how close we could be or limited the potential for whatever reason even if we knew or suspected they wanted more.

The third type of Friendship Aristotle named was the ultimate tier of friendship. Friendships of the Good.  These are the friends we let close to us. The ones that truly know our strengths and weaknesses and love us for it. They are the ones who we trust, rely on and let see behind the mask. The ones we offer support to and celebrate. These are friends we give and expect loyalty to and from. These are the friendships that will break a heart if they shatter, because they are so valuable and meaningful.

Friendships of this nature require reciprocation, you would assume and that is, I believe, the context in which it was meant. However, as I stated above, I think sometimes we might love somebody at this level while they kinda keep us in type 2 or vice versa. However, we are usually somewhat blind to this. If we love a friend to tier 3 then we assume perhaps that this sentiment is returned.

We expect these friendships to last, and often times they do, assuming the character of the people involved stay basically the same, we will continue to seek each other out and miss each other during periods of absence. These are the friends with whom we are likeliest to make effort to keep in touch. They are the ones we will be willingly useful for without personal gain. They are the friends we confide in and who’s secrets we guard with respect not judgement.

These are the friendships of great love stories and tragedies, although they may never have had romantic flair. Because they are meaningful, they are celebrated and mourned equally and in many ways become part of us. These are the friends worth fighting for.

Know which friendships belong in which categories in your life. Mistakes in not knowing your place or theirs can be costly. Be careful who gets to level 3, but when they do get there, be careful to show them the respect they deserve and the care your friendship will need to sustain itself. You’ll be glad you did, and sad to learn one day if you never really understood the difference.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Almost……. More than Friends……..

In the spirit of the recent topics touching on queer platonic relationships and Boston Marriages, I wanted to write a piece about friendships that don’t seem to quite fit in either category, but feel much more a blend of the 2 romantic versus platonic bonds, but stay in a bit of a grey space…… So if you and someone you are close to are less than lovers, does that make you friends? Can you be more than friends if you are less than anything else officially speaking?

Keep in mind I am not necessarily talking about friends with benefits here. Today I am writing about those super close friendships, that feel more like relationships…… but aren’t. They aren’t, in the way that benefits are lacking, but that is the only way that they aren’t.

If you are, or ever have been in one of these friendships, you will understand what I mean when I say that the word “best friend” feels too distanced, doesn’t exactly capture the essence of the bond or they way you interact or structure your relationship, and yet, it seems the only acceptable terminology to use?

You might consider this person a love of your life, a soulmate or a sibling, depending on your beliefs and values surrounding these issues. You may do many of the things that romantic couples do. Daily good morning messages or good night texts, or just conversation. Valentines dates, plus one’s at weddings, weekends away. If there is a new place you want to check out, or show you want to see, you immediately assume they will be joining you and never really consider taking anyone else.  If a third party comes along, it might even feel awkward, like  they are somehow diluting the closeness you share by their presence.

This is probably because you feel you can talk to them about anything and everything, something you do often and you dislike it when someone else interjects and you find you have to filter yourself. Although you don’t touch this person, you probably feel the need to be close to them. For example if a third party were to sit in the middle of you, you might feel disgruntled and far apart from them. You may even feel the need to reach out and touch them to reassure each other that your bond is still “felt”.

These friendships tend to be intense, at times obsessive and usually exclusive. There is no boundary on qualifications. You may or may not share the same gender, orientation, situation, cultural values or beliefs etc…. it’s not as important as the deep love and connection you feel. If you do happen to be of the same gender it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to question your relationship and rumours of homosexuality may swirl around you. If you happen to both be straight and of opposite genders, I can safely assume that people refuse to believe that you are NOT a couple and insist you should be one.

Except, for whatever reason, sometimes reasons you don’t know yourself, you aren’t a couple. Often, one of you, sometimes even both of you want to be, but some sort of fear holds you back. It might be as simple as fear that you will ruin what you have, or as complex as fear that people would not accept or understand your pairing that does not fit into the boxes they offer.

I have lived my life having serial monogamous almost relationships that I have called friendships. It could be because I am not heterosexual and these friendships are an attempt to have relationships with women as far as possible within the context of marriage and sexuality. This pattern predates those obvious constraints though. Could it be a pattern I developed to explore closeness with other girls before I was even consciously aware of sexuality? That makes sense, but what of the women who do not share any homosexual tendencies? Why do they participate in such pairings with me… or with each other?

I can’t say I know for sure, although I would like to, if any of you know. What I can say is that these almost relationships are as painful as they are pleasurable and they almost always end, the same as relationships do, I suppose, until you meet that one person you are with forever. But this leaves me wondering if it is possible to meet that one person, in an almost situation?

Not all of the friendships have died, but eventually the intensity dies. The connection just isn’t the same and the feeling of closeness and togetherness is eventually shattered in one way or another. Anything from circumstantial changes, to emotional ones can alter the dynamic. And when these changes start happening, it is nothing short of agonising. Sometimes it is only then that you may question if the term friendship was strong enough to describe your relationship when your pain appears to outweigh it rationally?

There have been times where I knew that I would have liked to share more with them, but most of the time this is an unspoken thing on both sides that you just love each other at full capacity, well….. almost!  

These connections can be somewhat intoxicating, impossible to resist, and although the people in them don’t want to continue this pattern because of the pain it brings, time and time again the reward outweighs the risks. As they develop, people get so lost in them that they don’t even realise that it is happening again. Until it ends.

Should these people just stay out of the water and not share deep emotional connections with friends because it is too risky? Or should they accept that sometimes you get dunked, but riding the waves is too fun and they haven’t died yet? I’m not sure.

What I personally have learnt along the way is never to have only one. Although I referenced a monogamist approach, this is unwise. It is even unwise to have one that takes priority of place. I think you at least need to exploit the nonmonogamist fundamental concept of friendship and experience deep and meaningful connections with a range of people, and this should extend to having more than one potential plus one for an event in your mind.

Do you have one of these friendships? Is it consistent? Or something you fall back in and out of depending on your circumstance? More on that next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Boston Marriages

Last week I posted about Queer Platonic Relationships. That is, the pairing of two people presenting as a couple regardless of sexual intimacy involved. This is not an entirely new concept.
Wikipedia describes a Boston Marriage as the historic cohabitation of two wealthy women, independent of financial support from a man. The term is said to have been in use in New England in the late 19th/early 20th century.

Historically the pairing was specific to women, assumed to be heterosexual, however choosing to couple with a female for the freedoms it offered her lifestyle. In modern times, the structure of the dynamic still thrives, however it is no longer limited to females. Any person, of any orientation may enter one with any other person of any orientation even if those orientations or identities would appear to put them at odds. Similarly, they can occur between 2 people between whom a romantic or sexual connection could be possible, however the distinction is generally that such a connection does not exist.

These partnerships operate as platonic couplings, however as I touched on in my last post, that does not diminish the strength of their bond, nor define how they communicate love and affection for one another. Each partnership is unique to the people or persons in it. However, they do identify it as their primary partnership for love and support if not also for affection. For example, the couple will generally expect to bring each other to family events such as weddings or holiday celebrations. They wish for the same privileges that sexual couples experience.

Wikipedia reports that Boston Marriages were, in their time, a socially acceptable option for women, until approximately the 1920’s when suspicions arose about them being homosexual pairings. I can only assume this is around the time that homosexuality among women was beginning to be recognised and frowned upon. I personally have to wonder if this had anything to do with men feeling put out by the new freedoms of the working women and not needing to take a husband for financial support, and fear perhaps that they would no longer be needed!

Regardless, it happened, and women started to shy away from such arrangements under social scrutiny, because also under scrutiny was their love and affection for one another. Before such scrutiny was cast upon them, romance between women in their friendships was actively encouraged, not just accepted. It was considered “training for marriage: as girls would kiss, hold hands, share a bed and be openly affectionate. (Source)

Letters from the era, and later books such as those of Jane Austen are open examples of such friendships, with women expressing their feelings towards each other in terms we would now widely consider to be uncomfortable, if not incompatible or even inappropriate ways to express platonic love. However, in the modern day queer platonic pairings, the people involved may well share a bed, hold hands, kiss on the lips and exchange “I love you” quite regularly.

Why do we assume this makes a connection sexual in nature, and why, even if it does, is that important? As I referenced in my last post, many many marriages settle in a deeply loving but non sexual place anyway, and it isn’t the business of any outsider to know the details. If they are not having sexual relations on the dinner table at Christmas for example, why does that factor alone make them more worthy of a place around it?

Perhaps it is our obsession with monogamy that makes it seem more worthy? Because queer platonic relationships can and do stretch out into the realms of open marriage or polyamory. This is because although they deem each other to be their significant life partner, they often do entertain romantic or sexual connections outside of the partnership. I can only deduce that our inability to separate love and sex plays into this.

As a society, the assumption tends to be that if a person is having 2 relationships, one of a sexual nature, and one of a non-sexual nature, that the sexual one trumps the non-sexual one in some way, but why is this? Why is it unthinkable to maintain both relationships with equal importance, or even to give the platonic connection priority? I wonder why this is unthinkable when so many studies have recently shown that women would rather isolate with their best female friend than their partner, or that we prefer the company of our friends in general! Not far behind is the new emergence of the bromance, indicating many men may feel the same way as women and prefer their own company for social interaction.

Surely we can all by now accept that even when 2 people who have the potential to become sexual are friends, based on their preferences, that we aren’t always attracted to that person and that alone is a good enough reason not to act in a sexual manner. However that does not mean we cannot love and value that person in a very high manner?

As someone who has found their identity to be somewhat ambiguous sexually, I can assure you that does not mean I have not loved, and the value of those connections has never been based on the sexual component. I believe I could live happily with a partner without a sexual component, and why that should have to be questioned baffles me. I also don’t feel I should, or that I do prioritise my husband above any of the other relationships in my life. Friendships are relationships! They are warm and loving and fun and affectionate. (Then again, it is also not lost on me that I write this blog not due to my success at friendships! haha So maybe there is value I fail to see in keeping them so separate?!)

However I know this is an unpopular stance. A Boston Marriage or queer platonic pairing may not be right for you, and that is fine. The point of this piece is to address that they exist, they are real and they matter and question why the taboo? And why it is our business how they interact to help us place them in a category we respect and understand?

Love is love. I love each and every one of my friends, irrespective of attraction or lack thereof. We should spend less time worrying about who loves who and how, and pay closer attention to those among us incapable of love at all!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Queer Platonic Relationships – What are they? Are you in one?

In line with GALentines Day or PALentines day tomorrow, I wanted to write a post about the importance of platonic pairings and validate the strong bonds of friendship which are just as likely (if not more so) to last a lifetime!

Queer Platonic Relationships (QPR’s) are not well-known or spoken about in our society, however they are more common than you think. So common in fact, that you might even be in one and not even know?! Before you click away from this article because you do not identify as queer, let me explain.

Queer platonic relationships can exist between 2 queer people, however they can also exist between any 2 people of any orientation.  My understanding or interpretation of the term is that they are queer in that they are not understood as the typically accepted romantic pairing.  In a well defined QPR 2 people acknowledge their pairing to be of significance and priority despite the platonic nature of their connection. 

People in existing QPR’s may or may not have external romantic connections, sexual partners and or any other type of relationships. However they choose to be in some way monogamous to a friendship as their primary life partner. They may live together, raise children or animals together, share finances or any other means of partnership usually associated with a married couple for example.

They may be 2 heterosexual women, an asexual woman and a gay man, a heterosexual man and woman or any other pairing that could exist. The point is that they do not define their relationship as romantic but it is the primary relationship. However, I think people are sometimes hesitant to label or discuss it openly – at times, even with each other.

Do you live with your best friend? Do you share finances? Do you automatically know when you need a plus one that this person will be your date? Maybe it isn’t your best friend, or it is but it is technically a sibling, a parent or another relative? Family pairings of this nature are quite common. 2 sisters living together and raising their children as a unit for example?  It may have started as a way to save costs, and ended up being everything you didn’t know you wanted or needed. Sure, maybe you both have a lover on the side, but actually, you can’t imagine ever not living with this person. You’re happy with your life in this manner, however unconventional it seems. This works for you.

When the party involved is not a relative, there is sometimes the potential; that it could develop into a romantic relationship, however the general premise is that it doesn’t and never will. The idea is that the lack of physical or sexual intimacy is one of the strengths of the pairing, that they choose each other because platonic love is real and it matters and it is in many ways less complicated….. or is it?

The problem with QPR’s, apart from the fact that they aren’t acknowledged or supported as legitimate partnerships, even if they survive a lifetime, is that when they are not discussed openly between the 2 people, sometimes expectations may differ. Although each of them may talk about the arrangement continuing happily forever, without a real discussion about commitment to that idea, one party may actually still be open to starting a new life with a romantic partner should they meet one who wants this, which can leave their platonic partner blindsided, lost, heart broken and alone.

Not only does this person feel these things, if they have not declared their relationship status as a priority, then it is likely they will also face these feelings alone and be shamed if they attempt to express themselves. Society has this way of minimising friendships and making people feel like they are being dramatic or unkind if they lose a friend to a relationship. And for the person left, it IS a loss. Those feelings are real and valid and they matter. QPR’s are hard to come by actually, so if that is your preferred partnership style, not only may it take years to recover, you may actually never re-partner which is sad.

I want to bring attention to these relationships to validate them and to encourage these conversations. Within the partnership itself, and within their family networks to respect the place of the partner as a platonic partner. And also among the general community because these pairings aren’t invisible, we just tend to fail to acknowledge them.

I’d like to add that the friends in question may not live together, that was purely an example for the article’s sake. They may have individual lives, however the point is that they do have a plus one in this life which shouldn’t be minimised based on the lack of sexual intimacy. Many married couples afterall end up quite comfortably in this category. Just because they were once intimate (we assume) does not make any real difference does it? QPR Partners do often, (although not always) express affection and love towards one another in similar ways to other couples despite the platonic nature of their relationship. (More on that to come soon!)

So let us all acknowledge all relationships and respect our partners and each other. Friendships are relationships if you like it or not. About time we treated them that way don’t you think?

Happy GALentines/PALentinest day for tomorrow folks, don;t forget those yellow roses. In line with Covid, let’s go digital this year, image below! Forward it to your friends tomorrow!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Just crop out the bottom if you want to use this image!