Judging Versus Perceiving Personality Types; PART 2; Can We Be Friends…. With Each Other?

Ok, so last week we discussed the differences between the judger and the perceiver and what that means for us. What it means for our friendships however, is that we will frustrate one another quite significantly.

As a judger type, I know I frustrate my perceiver friends. I ask them too far in advance to lock in plans, and they are either reluctant because they cannot think that far in advance, or they are willing but resentful and will be just as likely to cancel anyway because the time of my suggestion seemed so far into the distant future they just assumed it would work out. When it doesn’t, they don’t think it is a big deal to change their plans.

This, in turn frustrates me no end as a judger. Why would I go to such extremes to book things in with you so far in advance if your attendance was not important, or if the plans weren’t important? Some things need to be booked and paid for in advance, and I expect if you have agreed to attend, and I have purchased tickets for us that you will infact treat it as important enough to remember and show up.

So the question remains, when we are so fundamentally different, how can we be better friends for each other? I know I have blogged before about some of my friends offering feedback about my inflexibility and now this is really making sense to me in ways that it didn’t quite penetrate before. It doesn’t matter if we end up having lunch at the local pub instead of the café, if we are still having lunch, I should let it go and roll with it, without unnecessary comments about the plan. Haha

What my perceiver friends need to understand is that there is a reason it was important to me. If I suggested the café, there was a reason for it. Maybe it has a playground for my kids that the tavern doesn’t have, or maybe it does the vegan menu that someone accompanying us will love. Added to which, if we all agreed on the café, you better believe I looked at the menu, decided what I was going to order and probably brought only around that amount of money, because I live by a budget. If the tavern is more expensive, yes, I can put it on the card, but I still have to then sit down and rebalance everything to make that work.

All of this doesn’t mean I can’t be flexible, I can be and I should be, but it is easier on me if you acknowledge why this will be a concern and not just call me inflexible. In return I should acknowledge that when you are flaky it isn’t always your fault. If your family frequently makes last minute requests for your time and you are a people pleaser, I should acknowledge that I know it isn’t personal when you change plans, but that you have found yourself in a bad position letting everyone down somewhat in an effort to please everyone.

Remember this is true on both sides, and you are both probably frustrated.

Ultimately neither of us can or will change who we are or how we live, nor how the people impacting us live, but this understanding of the position of the other person goes a lot further than frustration in helping the situation. As I prefer absolutes, don’t agree to plans with me on your grandmother’s birthday even though you are fairly sure her party wont be on the actual day. Because murphy’s law says if you make plans with me she will celebrate that day, and of course, you will have to go. But I will be annoyed you didn’t think of that BEFORE you said yes. However, if the plan is we have to see the 9pm movie instead of the 7pm movie to accommodate this birthday, I should be cool with that and accept that it isn’t ideal, it will impact my morning walk, but that is my problem and isn’t more important than Grandma’s 90th birthday party.

When I take time to reflect why so many of my friends are perceivers, it is probably because we are more compatible than we think. Perceivers like that I take control, make the plans and they just show up and have a good time. I like that when life throws a spanner in the works and I have to adjust made plans; that they are totally flexible and just go along with whatever I decide needs to happen instead.

When 2 judgers get close, each one wants to be the one making the suggestions, and gets resentful at helpful hints to change things somewhat to suit the other judger. Each one wants to impress the other with his or her knowledge of cool places or suggestions and it can become a competition of sorts. And each one would rather be in control of meeting when it suits him or her and not at the call of the other. It can be harder to co-ordinate.

When 2 perceivers are friends, they can go a very long time without making contact at all. When they do make contact it is usually impromptu “I am in town, come to the local for a drink, I am there now?” If their friend is free, they are excited by the invitation. However they are just as likely not to show up and not call because they decided to do the washing first and then they got distracted doing something else. Plans are often forgotten, rescheduled perpetually or cancelled at the last minute.

So this means we’re more compatible with our opposite than our counterpart. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be better friends to our counterparts too.  For perceivers this means deciding to stick to a plan after the 3rd reschedule. It means putting reminders in your phone to contact that friend at least once a month and it means holding each other accountable for flakiness and silly excuses.

For judgers it means taking turns at making the plans and trying to enjoy the plans your friend made for you. Don’t criticise, make suggestions or talk about the time you did the same thing and it was better because…. Just enjoy it. Compliment their choices, appreciate the effort they went to and attempt to enjoy relinquishing control and responsibility. Trust them to know you can’t eat seafood and not to book a fish dinner. And if they do book one, ask for a salad and don’t make a big deal about it. One light meal wont kill you but a sour attitude will kill the ambience.

Only drive when you are in the drivers seat with the keys to the car.

My best advice is this. If your friend is a judger, understand they would rather have no plans at all than plans that are unlikely to happen, and give as much notice as you can to any changes so they can process these and make allowances and be flexible for you. If your friend is a perceiver, treat plans with them as though they are penciled or tentative. Don’t pressure them to commit too far in advance and if you have to, always have a back up plan in mind.

It is ok for judgers to stand their ground and be inflexible when they need to be, and it is ok for perceivers to make changes when they need to. Sometimes these things happen. But judgers are at risk of saying it is easier not to have friends at all and perceivers are just as likely to end up with none because of their flakiness. So we really must try harder to understand each other and accommodate instead of asking each other to change totally.

One way is not better than the other, they can complement each other if we let them. So let’s all try to compliment our friends good points and what we can learn from them!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Judging Versus Perceiving Personality Types; PART 1; Which One Are You? What About Your Friends?

For those of you that don’t know, it is summer here in Australia, and the long hot school holidays are upon us! I have never professed to be the perfect mother, and I admit I find the holidays tedious and stressful as they stretch out for what feels like an eternity, even if it is only 6 weeks! The problem isn’t time with the children, as much as it is the stress that goes into planning these weeks.

I enjoy, or, perhaps, it has been a coping mechanism, or some combination of both factors, keeping us busy and social during the summer holidays. I have usually prepped for Christmas well in advance, so come November I can turn my attention to the tedious task of planning the time. Sitting down with the children and listening to what is important to them, such as sleepovers with friends and screen time, and where they want to visit, like ALL the waterparks and hotels etc…. is enough to slightly elevate your blood pressure alone! Haha

Once I have made note of their input, and we have decided on a fair compromise of activities and a balance of home time and social time, it is time for me to print the calendar templates and start penciling things in.  This step in of itself requires much research. What places are open what days? What times? What food places are nearby? Can I pack a lunch? Do I need sunscreen and bathers, or membership cards and coins? Then there is the budgeting aspect – taking into account entry prices, added with likely incidentals like food, drinks, snacks, paid photography opportunities or gaming machines for example.  This research and planning takes hours alone.

Figuring out the logistics of it all is even worse. Friend A only has Friday’s off work, but wants to visit the place that your discount tickets (I always have discount tickets!) are only valid Monday to Thursday?! Or Friend B always babysits for her friend on Mondays, and wants to see you, but your kids are older and don’t have much interest in the same activities as the younger child? Or you usually see friend C on a Tuesday but the hotels were cheaper midweek, so you booked getaways those days and can only offer her a Thursday catch up? It is so difficult to navigate fitting everyone and everything in the right place that I am proud of my masterpiece when it is complete. I have planned which days we will go where with which people. I have scheduled sleepovers and home days and getaways. I have planned the meals around all of it and the prices and tickets. I have booked in advance everything that can be booked in advance and I finally feel prepared! Bring it on Summer Holidays, I am ready for you!

Have you heard the expression “In the beginning there was a plan, and the plan was good?” Well, that, ladies and gentleman is my reality! I know I have posted before about how much I love my friends that come together out of the woodwork like a social support network during this time, and also my frustrations at those same friends when they cannot keep their plans. I wont lie, it REALLY UPSETS me, changes to my plans! I feel invalidated and like they don’t respect my time. Either the time I took to make the plans or the time it will take to accommodate changes. No, we can’t just do next week instead, because I have plans with other people next week!

I have one friend in particular who really helps and supports me through the holidays. As she doesn’t have children of her own, she can be more flexible and available to tag along with us. Last year, she appointed me president of her social calendar and basically said “tell me when and where, and I will be there.” Except she wasn’t. Her brother’s wife returned to work after maternity leave, and that meant she was expected to have the baby any time her sister in law worked a shift. This meant movie tickets had to be refunded in favour of trips to the mini train stations, and waterparks were discarded in favour of indoor play centres. Where plans couldn’t be changed or abandoned, it meant I was watching the baby while she was off riding the rides with my kids as agreed for example. I noticed a pattern and gently enquired about the baby’s day care schedule! I thought I was well prepared to boycott the system this year, planning outings with this friend on days when the baby was at day care and leaving her free.

Alas, my friend still ended up bringing the now toddler to a waterpark and making us work around his nap. She still changed a movie date because she ended up having her other nieces and nephews sleep over instead, and she still changed our climbing adventure, which I specifically needed her for, in favour of a camping trip. I understand my friend has strong family values and I love this about her, I don’t expect to be a priority, unless you have made plans with me first. In which case, I kinda do expect if you have said “tell me when and where and I will be there” that, you know, you will actually be there. Especially if you know I am relying on you to be there. This is fair. My friend knows I hate these changes, although I try to accommodate them I had to be very clear with her that these impromptu changes are pretty difficult for me to navigate.

Recently however, she brought the toddler with us to an outing and it was fine. Lovely even, and I had to wonder why I get so upset about things that don’t matter just because I planned it to be a certain way! As my oldest has Autism, I do have to schedule and he doesn’t like changes, however it was more than that, it was ME who also didn’t like them. Wondering if I too have autism, I googled why I find changes to plans so frustrating, and I came across articles referencing the Myers Briggs personality types; Judgers and Perceivers.

I, my friends, am a Judger. I cannot relax until I have done what I needed to do. Much of my thought goes into the future and planning for all possible outcomes. I have a school holiday schedule before they start until after they end. I have a budget always to a year in advance, and I get up early to do 10000 steps, even on holidays, so that it is done and I can relax. I cannot relax until I have done what needs to get done, and I know I am prepared for what needs to be done tomorrow too!

My friend, actually, almost all my friends, appear to be perceivers. Plans make them feel locked in, whereas they prefer to keep their options open. They like to see how they feel on the day. They like to see what offers they get, and they are especially adaptable to change. They are flexible and confident they will get everything done, get to all the places without a plan, and don’t lose sleep over it if some things are missed.

Knowing this fundamental difference really helped me understand and tolerate these changes and accept my friends can’t help their nature any more than I can. Question is, can we be friends? And if we can, how can we be better for each other? Stay tuned next week to find out!

To find out what personality type you are, take one of their free tests here. Please note, in relation to the Perceiver or Judger type, these are usually listed last. Your type will have 4 letters, ending with a P or a J. If you are a judger you will see J and if you are a perceiver you will see a P. It is possible to have traits of both. For these specific personality types only try this test here from www.brainfall.com.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Conflict and Compromise

I am the first to admit that I tend to shy away from conflict and confrontation. The idea of it can be paralysing to the point that it is easier just to withdraw and walk away than actually have those hard conversations. However, as I have reflected here in that past, that tendency has not been helpful. You cannot resolve conflict if you won’t confront it.

That’s all very easy to talk about in theory. What isn’t as easy, is putting that theory into practise and putting your money where your mouth is. When I wrote that piece about confronting conflict, issues were brewing, but none had bubbled to the surface just yet.

Over time, that brew started to simmer, and I knew it was time to suit up for battle. Not having had much practise at confronting the issues head on, I am going to be honest and admit my first attempt was feeble. So feeble in fact the friend in question still seemed relatively unaware I had raised an issue and was continuing on as if everything was fine between us. I was conflicted by this, because ultimately things continuing on well was my desired outcome, however, our ideas on the health of our connection were quite different, and continuing was not a reflection of how I felt. I did not feel everything was fine. How would my friend know if I didn’t say anything more direct about it?

Feeling frustrated that she had missed my first attempt ensured that my second attempt went down like a lead balloon too. I knew that I was not handling the conversation well and yet, I couldn’t seem to stop making it worse. My first mistake in this instance was attempting to have this important conversation via instant messaging.

In large part, my issue in our friendship was the lack of quality time we were sharing. Our friendship had become very activity focussed recently, and I was not feeling that connection that comes from spending time actually just talking and being present with one another. While I enjoyed the time my friend and I spent, and the activities we shared, I felt we weren’t being present with each other. My friend had been a large part of our everyday life over the past few years and this year circumstances changed and it led to a bit of a disconnect for me.

Curiously, my little implosion happened after a really lovely afternoon spent together when my friend stopped by impromptu and stayed for a few hours like old times. She texted what a lovely time she had, and instead of returning the sentiment, I took the opportunity to launch into a tirade on how it seemed to have been her choice recently to disengage in our casual company and conversation and I was beginning to think it was more about the activities for her. Naturally, my approach made my friend defensive and annoyed. She did apologise, and she did acknowledge her withdrawal, but it seemed it wasn’t good enough for me. Once I got started, I couldn’t seem to stop. I don’t know what I thought I would achieve, but can only reason that perhaps I was trying to express the depth of my hurt, to get my friend to acknowledge not only that she had withdrawn but that I was wounded by this. Instead it just came across as nasty accusations. '

Eventually my friend stopped reading or replying. To be fair to her, it was late at night by then and we both needed to sleep as we were obviously emotional and tired. However, it hurt me that this conversation wasn’t even important enough for my friend to lose any sleep over. I stayed up ruminating over how she might have responded to me if I was anyone else in her life, while she slept peacefully to escape her anger and resentment at me for actually asking her to start showing up to our friendship again. I eventually accepted that I couldn’t possibly know how she would respond to anyone else, nor could I know what she was feeling, how well she was sleeping or what she was thinking. So instead I considered her points, that things in both our lives had changed this year, and as a result of that circumstance she no longer had the time to devote to us. That she probably felt attacked and misunderstood and I may feel angry about that too in her position.

Above all else, I decided I had handled the conversation exceptionally poorly, so when the morning came, I acknowledged that and apologised, saying this was a conversation best had in person, if at all and that I did hear her perspective and it had merit. I had forgotten that we were 2 members of the same team, not opposing ones, and we shared a common goal – to make things better between us. I needed a reminder from my previous musings that people feel lonely because they build walls rather than bridges. That is essentially all I was achieving that night.

My friend took the opportunity to reassure me that she wanted to make our friendship meaningful to me again and suggested some ways to go about that. I was able to express that I would appreciate some effort on her behalf to make that time happen, without making the scheduled demands that I have been criticised for in the past. However it was hard to accept this effort on face value, because when you have to ask someone to make more effort, the unfortunate side effect of getting what you asked for, is not knowing if the other person wants to give it to you or if you’re only getting it reluctantly because you forced their hand, and they quietly resent you for it.

This meant there was more work to be done. More understanding. More awkward painful conversations. During these conversations we had to really hear each other and validate the points each of us made. We had to remember one of us wasn’t “wrong” – that we could both be right. My friend was right when she said she didn’t have as much time to offer, and I was right when I said friendship requires you to make time. It’s about her making SOME time and effort, and me appreciating that time and effort. It’s about understanding the ways in which we feel connected to one another and accepting our fundamental concept of friendship differs.

I’ll be honest, at the time of writing this piece, I can’t say for sure if this friendship will endure, or if the season has passed. Even if we revive it, will we have what it takes to sustain it? It might never be what it was again, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good while it lasted or that it can’t still be meaningful in the future. Even if our attempts ultimately fail, we will both know we tried. I have said before if a friendship is painful enough to push you to the limits of walking away, it is probably worth saving, and this one is definitely worth trying at least.

On that note, I would like to thank my friend for stepping forward. I have noticed the extra effort, and it is enough. I don’t want to ask of you more than you can give. I don’t want you to resent these efforts as though they are not making a difference, because they are. I know you‘re still a bit angry and you know that I am still a bit hurt, but the good news is that an emotion shared is an emotion halved and we care enough to try and help each other let go of these emotions instead of continuing to lean into them and blame one another for them. The fact that I can come to you safely and trust you to work with me and not against me means everything and gives me much hope for our future. I hope you feel safe to do the same when the time comes, because I do love you, for whatever it is worth.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

PART TWO: Balancing Your Buddy Budget

Ok, last week I encouraged readers to view their friendships like a budget, (to read this post first, please click here) to carefully manage their investment to bring about the ultimate rewards. This week is about how to manage and balance that budget so it is not too restrictive, but equally doesn’t leave you in debt or all used up!

The budget should comprise of income and expenditure equally. What you would expect to spend or give of yourself to meet your needs, and what you would expect or hope to gain in return. As a general rule, these columns should be pretty equal. You can’t expect to give nothing and receive everything. Similarly you shouldn’t expect to give everything and receive nothing either.

I recommend that you make columns for the things you hope for. Humour. How many rows of humour you include in the column depends on how important sharing a laugh with a friend is to you. Other columns might include shared faith, values, political views or sharing of opinions, quality time spent relaxing, time spent on activities or going out, active time, deep or personal conversation, and even a column for truth, bluntness or alternatively gentleness and kindness, and if it is important to you, acts of service. This means how much you expect a friend to do helpful things for you to help you out. (Examples include babysitting, grabbing things at the shops for you if you are there, helping plan for a party, driving you places when you need a ride etc…. things that are of benefit to you and make you feel like the person cares enough about you to do them although there may be no direct benefit to them to do these things for you.)

For me personally, I probably do want all these things and more in equal measure, however I have 5 different spreadsheets. While one person may give me 60% humour, 10% personal conversation, and 30% acts of service, and other friend might offer 90% personal connection and conversation and 10% humour. So over the 5 spreadsheets I have 100% balance, and each need has 100% been met, albeit by different friends at different times.

This method requires you to be acutely aware of what each person you call a friend is offering you and what they are getting from you in return. Sometimes what you are giving isn’t always the same as what you are getting in return. Sometimes it is. For example, the friend who is giving 60% humour, might be asking for in exchange 60% acts of service. So they make you laugh all the time, but in return they seem to ask you for a lot of personal favours. It really is unique to each person if this equation balances for you. Personally I require more depth and connection than humour to balance acts of service. I need to feel quite close to someone to lighten the burden. Other people prefer acts of service and feel burdened by heavy conversation.

There is no right or wrong way to be, as long as you are aware of how each connection balances for you, and allow room for some flexibility when life gets in the way of someone’s ability to offer what they usually do. If your equations balance, then you are already wealthy. However, how do you ensure you have enough left over for aforementioned flexibility?

Invest. As friendships grow, we invest minimally, but regularly and consistently to test their potential. As time passes, we decide if it has the potential to grow, if it has reached it’s full potential already, or if we think it wasn’t a good investment to begin with. It is important to note that just because one person wasn’t a good investment for you doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be great for someone else. That also translates to understanding that you might not be a wise investment for someone either, and that is ok. Better not to throw good money after bad either way.

Anyway, as I was saying, if you feel the friendship has the potential to grow, you invest a little more and a little more. Over time, you will find that the friendship starts paying off slightly more rewards than you ever imagined possible. And that is where the credit comes in. That is where you draw the strength to give a little more at times when they need it and don’t have as much to give. Equally it is where they get the credit to be forgiving of your times when you have less to offer. Because the friendship has reached a point of mutual reward, where the investment means enough to both of you that you would rather not stop investing.

Sometimes we do stop investing, we don’t give the friendship the time and effort and attention it needs, and slowly the monthly account keeping fees eat away at the funds. If you don’t keep an eye on this, one of you might ask for more that the other has to give. This will certainly apply a strain and you will feel the tension. That simply means you need to invest more. Regardless of who made the big withdrawal, you need to reinvest more, and hopefully your friend will follow.

You can’t let your account get into the red. It wont last long if you do. The minute you feel that it is in the red, you must act if you wish to save it. Of course, people change, friendships change and you might decide you want to invest elsewhere instead. It is ok to close your friendship accounts, just make sure you do the mental maths a few times to be sure this is really what you want to do. It’s not impossible to reopen a closed account, but you wont likely transfer whatever balance you had, and starting from scratch again so it can feel like a much riskier investment the second time around if it ultimately failed the first time

Friendships are hard sometimes, but it’s maths, not magic! Ok, maybe it’s a little of both?! Hope so, because friendships are magical if you invest in the right people!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is friendship like money, hard to make and even harder to keep?

My close friends will happily tell you how I live by our budget. I have a spreadsheet, multiple actually and I spend hours on it, carefully doing the numbers to see how a purchase today will impact us in a year from now, or alternatively the benefits of cutting back in one column to another and vice versa. Naturally, the first step is finding an income source, and then working the budget to maximise your potential. This is possible if you earn more or less, as long as your income source is rich enough to cover your minimum living expenses and needs. I like to think of friendships in the same way.

Some of us are lucky enough that we have some form of inbuilt government support pensions from the get go. In terms of friendships this may be a neighbour you grew up with, your mother’s best friend’s kid or old school mates. The friends you made before you even realised that making friends was a thing and actually not an easy thing! Those of us lucky enough to still have these connections into adulthood are definitely going to have a healthier budget in the black than those without. If you are starting from scratch, seeing your numbers in the red can add a sense of pressure to finding those base core friendships.

For some this pressure will be more helpful than for others, however, making friends as an adult can be daunting and difficult either way. However all is not lost. Your friendship budget starts with you and with the qualities you feel make a friendship a healthy, strong and rewarding one. So that is where you begin! Make a mental list of those qualities and practice what you preach! Everybody will have a slightly different list depending on lifestyles and values.

One person might value lots of time and attention, another person may value independence and low maintenance. One person may find it important to share hobbies and activities whereas another may think it is more important to share values or circumstances. For some people their list varies depending on the friend in question and they might have multiple spreadsheets to manage too!

Once you have your list, or lists, as the case may be, in mind, you can start looking around your world for people who might meet those criteria, and finding ways to grow your friendship with them outside of whatever context you already know them. If shared values are important to you, then extending an invitation to a coffee after church might be your avenue, whereas if shared interests are more your thing, inviting someone over to watch the game on the weekend might be a better option. If you’re like me, and you like to really talk to people and connect with them, the best way to go about this is to actually open up a little and share something of yourself that is a little deeper to let that person get to know you and see if they are interested enough to follow up with more support, conversation or questions, or if they also share something more personal in return.

Once you have your base group, I recommend a circle of around 5 people, but the number is ultimately up to you, (you’ll know when you feel fulfilled enough to stop searching for new friends) it is time to invest in the friendship. That means assessing your life and seeing how much effort you could potentially put into your friendships and what rewards you may reap from that investment. Initially this is a mental challenge for your eyes only. This is paper, not practice, yet.

Look at your life, your responsibilities, your time and how you spend it. If you spend hours scrolling on your phone each day anyway, then you might like someone who is messaging you while you do so. If however you can’t be on your phone the majority of the day except your time off on the weekends, then a friend who is equally busy during the week, but loves to catch up for a drink or whatever on the weekend is a good match. Now, for arguments sake, let’s pretend you only make one new friend and you decide you’re going to make them your priority every weekend, all weekend. Will the benefits and risks of doing that balance? You might love the idea or hate it, but will it burn you out? In which case the rewards are not great enough for that level of investment. On the other hand, if you love the idea, is the risk too high that this person may change circumstances and leave you high and dry? If so, the risk is too big for that level of investment. Is this making sense? You need to assess how much time, energy and effort you are willing to invest to achieve the level of satisfaction you desire. No more, and no less. Maybe we would all like a friend who requires nothing from us, however gives us everything we need when we need it and quietly disappears when we don’t without issue. Sadly that is not the way friendships work. You will get back what you put in just like everything else. Increased effort equals increased income! If you invest in the right people that is!

How much do you have to give in return for what you hope to receive? Tune in next week for the tips on how to manage your buddy budget to get the best results!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Year, New Friends?

Happy New Year Friends! This year I want to remain open to newer connections for friendship. Now that the kids are gaining more independence, and I have left the workforce, my opportunity for meeting new people is getting smaller or harder to stumble upon less purposefully. However, a few months back, a fellow blogger, Claire from www.datingsidekick.com reached out and shared an article of hers with me about Stashing. (Click the link to read it, it’s awesome and relatable.)

Stashing is another recent dating phenomenon, closely related to ghosting, gas lighting and orbiting etc…..  It is kind of like an affair I suppose, in that it appears you are essentially a hidden aspect of their life. Nobody who knows them would know you exist, there is almost no trace of you at all in their life…. While this is uncommon in platonic pairings, it isn’t completely unheard of.

Essentially, there are only 2 real reasons I can think of, romantically or platonically that would explain the situation….  Either there would be negative consequences for one or both of you should your friendship be discovered, such as strict workplace rules around dating colleagues, or forbidden matches such as doctors and patients becoming too personal and causing a blurred boundary. It might be something less formal but equally discouraged like 2 employees of rival companies for example. The less attractive reason would be that one or both of you is ashamed of the other. They do not feel like the people in their lives would accept you. Maybe shame isn’t always the right word for it. Say you are of a particular race or religion and one’s usual circle tends to be discriminatory against whatever category you fall into, it wouldn’t fit to say that they are ashamed of you exactly, but true none the less that it may feel true even if it isn’t quite accurate from their perspective.

I can’t say I encourage these pairings, it is damaging and triggering to the person being hidden. Added to which if you are doing something you cannot be open and honest about, that is usually a pretty good indicator that you shouldn’t be doing it, or that you should at least respect that person enough to show them that you do own it! Whatever IT is.

For further signs, reasons or possible explanations, do refer to Claire’s post. I don’t think either of us need to tell you what to do about it, but Claire basically said it in her post and I will say it again here….. You teach people how to treat you. You cannot continue to allow this behaviour if you want it to stop. You deserve better. And all the other stuff Claire says!

I don’t need to write a huge piece about it, because Claire has already covered that. What I did want to add is that I can understand that this secrecy adds an illusion of greater intimacy. You are sharing a naughty secret, and overlooking that the secret is you! (Or someone you profess to care for.) The forbidden fruit is not a new concept, and although it is less common in friendships than relationships it is still easy to get caught up in, particularly if you have low self-esteem.

Friends are meant to be the people who lift you up, who cheer you on, who are proud of you even if you are different, loud or embarrassing. That does not mean you have to be actively involved in their life in all the ways. As a friend, you may not always meet the family or work colleagues. Although the longer you are friends the more likely it is that these things will naturally happen anyway. You may not always connect on social media, for whatever reason. But if someone never wants to go out in public with you, or constantly makes excuses as to why you have to be isolated in their world and doesn’t want to integrate you into any part of their lives even if they are happy to take up space in yours, then Claire is right. You’re being used.

And that is just as rampant in friendships as relationships…. Maybe even more so! It is not ok. If your feelings tell you that you are being used, regardless of how much your head tries to talk you out of believing it or how much the other person denies this, trust your gut!

From the awesome Facebook page of Melanie Tonia Evans at https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

Anyway, the point of this post wasn’t stashing, it was making new friends. So although I was hesitant and a bit slack in offering Claire the support she requested, this is part of my new year’s resolution to make new friends, and be open to new connections the universe brings my way. In her communication to me, Claire seemed like a genuinely funny and warm person, and I really enjoyed hearing from her. (I admit she had to pester me a bit to make this happen!) Sorry about that Claire. If you like this post, I hope you will reciprocate the sentiment and write a post directing your awesome readers to my posts too. But more than that, I would love to hear from you again.

Maybe we can help each other, or maybe not, but the offering of friendship is there regardless! Thanks for getting in touch and I wish you great success!

This year, I will join a friendship swiping app, reach out to more people online, perhaps take a class or join a hobby group and whatever other ways I can think of and report back on the success or failure of these pursuits to make new friends. I might even go back to the café where I met a delightfully charming older gentleman writing a movie. Keeping an open mind will be key!

What are your resolutions this year? To be fair, even without them, surely this year has to be better than the last? Out with the old and in with the new! Ok, bad advice for friendships but 2020 was truly toxic!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

image from https://joygoesnatural.tumblr.com/page/3

10 Funny Friendship Christmas Memes

Merry Christmas Loyal Readers!

If any of you took time out today to visit my blog I am rewarding you with these funny sweet and salty memes to screenshot and send your friends today to spread the love and cheer!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Ideas of things to write in your friends Christmas Cards

Keeping in line with this years theme of bringing the focus away from gifting, here are some top suggestions of things to write in your friends Christmas cards. Touching, meaningful, honest and even funny ideas to make your friends heart smile this year.

1. Your favourite memory of your friend.

Example “Merry Christmas my friend. We have made so many happy memories over the years. My favourite one was that time we stayed up all night binge watching Disney movies in preparation for the quiz night that we were then too tired to attend the next night! I can’t wait to spend more time making more memories together next year!”

2. Your favourite things about your friend or your friendship.

Example: “Merry Christmas Emily! Thank you for being the most loyal, generous, caring and understanding friend. You always manage to find the time for us and my life is better because you are in it. Our friendship is the gift that keeps on giving!”

3. Something meaningful to your friend.

Example: “Moira, I know Christmas will be a difficult time for you this year. You have showed such strength and grace throughout this difficult time and I am so proud of how you have handled yourself. I’m deeply sorry this was such a hard year for you and I will be right beside you next year helping to make it as good as I can.”

4. An inside joke.

Example: “Merry Christmas to Santa’s naughtiest nurse! I will never look at a nurse again without thinking of you and smiling. You give new meaning to the term high blood pressure! Look forward to seeing who else’s you raise in the new year! Cheers.”

5. Something sentimental

Example: “Mary, your support this year has really meant more to me than you know. I am so grateful for your friendship. You always know when to let me cry and how to make me laugh. You hear things I didn’t say while listening attentively to what I do. It never matters if we are on a night out or a night in, time is never wasted when it is spent with you. There are no magic words to accurately describe my love for you, but I never want to imagine my life without you in it. Love from Me xx”

6. Something Generic

Example: “Merry Christmas Jane. Here’s hoping this Christmas is full of love and laughter and you find exactly what you dreamed of under your tree this year. Wishing you all the best for the New Year and beyond!”

7. A bridge sentiment

Example: “Hey Stranger! Merry Christmas. Sorry we didn’t spend as much time together this year as I would have liked. I have really missed you and hope we use the new year to really reconnect. My life hasn’t been the same without you. Please keep in touch, I look forward to hearing from you always. Hope we can get together early in the new year and start as we plan to continue!”

8. An apology

Example: “Dear Claire. As Christmas rolls around this year I have taken a moment to reflect, and I owe you an apology. I was wrong and I am deeply sorry. I hope you will forgive me, because I would hate to start a new year without you in my life. Reconciling with you would be the best gift I could hope for this year, but if you are not ready yet, please accept my apology as a sincere gift, and know I am wishing you well. Hoping to hear from you. “

9. Something Sarcastic and Funny

Example “Merry Christmas to a friend who is so expensive I nearly can’t afford her, yet somehow makes my life richer just by being in it. You’re worth your weight in gold, so keep Seasons EATING! You are one of my favourite people ‘HO HO HO!’ From your friend who is so cheap, Santa leaves me batteries under the tree with a note saying “When I think of you I touch my Elf!” The only thing I am not too stingy to give you is the time of day! Wishing us both a truly Naughty New Year so we can save Santa the trip next year!”

10 Want to be more than friends? (At your own risk? Are you brave enough? haha)

Example “Christmas is that time of year when, wishes and miracles come true. My love for you has grown so much this year, I must confess that all I want for Christmas is you! If you feel the same way, meet me under the mistletoe and make my dreams come true. If you don’t feel the same way meet me by the camera, we can take a friendly snap and, pretend this never happened!”

Whatever it is that you feel in your heart for your friend, let them know. Words are powerful, so use them purposefully and purposely! Spread the cheer this Christmas by sending sweet nothings to whisper in someone’s ear!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Buddy Budgeting!

This is the second installation of a post I started last week about friendships being like money, hard to make and harder to keep! Click here to read it. (or scroll down and then back up if I forget to update the link! haha) The gist of part one is to assess how much you have to give, how much time and effort do you have to invest and does that match with how much you expect to gain in return. Assess how much you are willing to give in return for minimum level of return. Find the balance before you over or under invest. Be conscious of this decision and how it will impact your friendships, not to mention take time to reflect on how it already has until now!

In order to stay in the black, to watch your numbers getting bigger and healthier, you need to commit to investing some time and attention each “pay cycle” as it were consistently. $20 a week for a year is over $1000. Invest ten and the reward is only half. Invest 20 for only half the time and the reward is only half. The key is not over investing. Commit to something you can manage even on your lowest pay weeks, and you will see the benefits slowly growing over time.

The more time that goes on, the more flexible you can be. You can afford to take a week off here and there longer term, because by the time trust and security have been developed you will have the benefits of compound interest on your side adding to your rewards even when you didn’t invest as much. Alternatively withdrawals, (financially, or emotionally) will cost you and eat away at some of those rewards and that is your reminder to recommit and reinvest.

Should that happen, it is ok to reassess how much you are investing. Initially maybe you could only invest $5 but you earn more now and can invest $20. That will top it back up much faster. Alternatively maybe initially you could commit to $20 but not anymore. Lowering the investment might slow the growth of the friendship, however it shouldn’t stall as long as that consistency is there.

When I talk about your money in this article I mean time, and effort. How much can you offer someone in terms of reaching out to them, caring about their problems, offering support, thinking about what you can do for them and enjoying their company? You don’t have to move in with someone to be rewarded, you just need to be consistent. They need to know what to expect from you as a minimum base line. That does not mean you may not offer more at times and less at times, however you cannot offer all your time and attention when it suits you then none when it does not. That is inconsistent. You need to be prepared to make some effort, to see or talk to that person in some way that is meaningful to them and to your friendship on a consistent basis.

Each friendship is different and over the years things change. A longstanding one may have matured to a point that a check in every 3 months is enough to keep it flourishing, whereas a new friendship needs more to get off the ground. A friendship that was always lighter may get heavier and need more or alternatively it may lose weight and need less. As long as you are still reaping rewards, you are doing ok. You will know when you are no longer reaping the rewards, trust me, you’ll feel it. At that point it is time to assess your investment versus theirs, and match theirs or see if you can find ways to get them to invest a little more.

This could be as simple as saying “I miss you, can we spend a little more time together?” Or it could mean assessing the time you do spend and how it is valuable to them, to try and improve their reward from you, to encourage a higher investment. This could be for example reflecting that you have spoken more than you have listened and correcting that by reaching out to ask questions. Or it might mean thinking of something your friend might enjoy doing that you could share together, or even thinking of their circumstance and how you could be helpful to them.

Spreadsheets have debit and credit and totals columns for a reason, because one impacts the other. It is the same with friendships. We can’t get too bogged down in what we have coming in if the problem might be what we are not giving out in return? Spreadsheets balance. Friendships need that too. Even when it is hard, it is worth it long term.

Invest time and energy into your friendships consistently for the best results and watch time grow your connection! Stop investing and you will stop getting benefits, it really is that simple so make time for your friends’ people! You won’t regret it!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Presence over presents this festive season?

Usually this is the time of year that people search for the perfect gift to give a special friend. I have written a few posts on the topic over the years, and if gifting is a love language you share with your friend, I suggest you check out the other articles here and here and here.

However, this year I wanted to take the focus off the presents and instead offer ways you can show up for your friends this year. I know Christmas is that special busy time of year specially and almost specifically designed for family, and I support that tradition on the actual day. By all means, if you know someone likely to be alone this year and you are in a position to offer them a place at your table, then do so! The invite will hold significance even if the offer isn’t accepted.

However, if that isn’t a practical option for you, I still think it’s a good idea to share in the festivities with your friends. That might mean planning a group get together (if permitted in your part of the world) and instead of a secret santa, each person writes their favourite thing about the other participants to be read out anonymously as pulled out of a hat throughout the gathering? (Instructions on the Secret Santa Compliments Jar Here)

It could mean setting aside time to have a decent phone call with each friend and letting them know that connecting with them was the only gift you needed and committing to your connection. It could mean making up a meaningful pic collage of each friend and your memories together, with the caption “Merry Christmas, your friendship is a gift that I treasure” that you make a point to send to them on Christmas day, no matter how busy you are with everything else.

It could mean, where possible, showing up the week before and helping each other wrap the gifts, prepare the foods which can be prepared in advance, picking up things you know a friend needs at the shops for them or writing them a meaningful letter to open on Christmas eve.

All it takes is a little foresight into what it is your friend wants or needs from you. Sure it is easy to remember that one friend likes elephants or another likes candles, and simply buy one and move along. But will one more candle be as meaningful as helping someone not to burn the candle at both ends by showing up in more practical ways and relieving the stress? Or by showing up in more sentimental ways without adding to the clutter? Even showing up in sweet ways without adding to the waist line?! Lol

For me, for example it has meant knowing that one friend really wants the perfect matching magazine worthy spread. I am no chef, however I could help her by mentioning that great gold wrapping paper or napkins that would match her theme well, or sending ideas on practical easy tips to achieve the look for less. For another friend it means making time to share a meal she has lovingly prepared, because cooking for people is one of the ways that she expresses her love for you. It means truly enjoying the food, offering genuine compliments, and appreciating her efforts.

For a different friend it meant helping her put up her tree, because she never finds the time and making a night of it by watching her favourite Christmas movie and helping her wrap all her gifts to place under her tree. Whereas another friend needed help with ideas on what to get people, someone to go shopping with and tick things off the list, and someone to help her carry all the bags! For someone else it meant babysitting her kid, taking him shopping to select a gift so he had something to give her on Christmas morning, and helping her older child with the DIY gingerbread house she wanted to use as the centrepiece this year.

For a single friend who was facing a hard year alone this year, it will mean remembering to make time to message her in the morning with greetings, checking in at lunch time to see how her day is going and express I hope it is going well and she is ok, and after the kids are in bed, phoning her to share our day and make sure she doesn’t feel disconnected, forgotten or not cared about.

As long as you know your friends and how to be present for them, you shouldn’t need to buy them a present. Your help, support, love, time and attention should be enough to leave their hearts filled. That is the true spirit of Christmas, giving is a gift! So give what you can, and you might find even the grinchiest friend starting to show a little twinkle in their eye.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Does Childlessness Equal Friendlessness?

I have posted in the past about how having children changes your friendships and that new mothers are most in need of new friends. Surely if that is the case, our childless counterparts have the better end of the deal, with plenty of time to socialise and prioritise friendships, they should be fine right? Well, I can’t speak from personal experience on this one, but I have it on pretty good authority that actually the opposite is true and choosing to be childless can be just as limiting or life changing as choosing to have kids.

As I was as guilty as the next person for assuming childless people had all the perks of life and not many of the responsibilities, I was as surprised as you may be to hear that their childlessness is nearly as limiting as our children are to our own social lives! How can this be, I pondered! Well, the answer is pretty simple really. Our children limit them!! Seems crazy doesn’t it? But stay with me.

When you decide not to have children, which is a totally valid choice by the way, the idea is that you can indeed continue to enjoy your freedoms, have late night dinners, impromptu weekends away and spend endless hours drinking and having parties with your mates…. The first one is almost true, I suppose, if it weren’t for the fact that you always seem to be babysitting someone else’s child. Travelling you could still do, if you have the annual leave, funds and there doesn’t happen to be a worldwide pandemic happening! But partying with your friends? What friends?

The dilemma facing most childless people in their mid 30’s and beyond is that the choice to remain childless isn’t a popular one. Not only do these people suffer judgement from people who claim to be their friends, and who endlessly harass them to come to the dark side, they also eventually do procreate. Most of them, and the change is almost immediate.

“It’s like pregnancy is contagious! Once someone in your circle becomes pregnant, all of a sudden more and more start joining in! Before you know it, everyone but you is sharing this profound experience together that you just aren’t included in because you can’t relate.” One of my childless friends tells me during a conversation about the pregnancy epidemic in her circle. “Straight away, everyone is too tired to come out, nobody can drink, everyone is on a strict meal plan and nobody has any money to play with anymore. It is both really isolating and really limiting” she continues.

And I see her point. While the rest of her friends are happily at home, isolating themselves and nesting, they are left on the sidelines isolated not by choice but by lack of options. Their social group has almost instantly dissipated and they are left with more free time than they care to fill. And it only continues to get worse for approximately the next 25 years or so until the youngest ones are grown. By then those friends tend to have moved on to connections they made through the children over the years. Childless people don’t have those same opportunities for easy new connections.

It is frowned upon socially for them to host “child free” events. The reason they prefer no children is because their home is not child proof, being that they do not intend to have children. However this causes upset and offense and most people decline invitations. It is also not acceptable to say they prefer to meet or socialise with other childless folk. I wonder why this is, when really, it’s just as logical as new parents coming together to bond over the experience of parenthood… shared experiences and having things in common does make connections grow. Not to mention convenience and schedules tend to match better too.

There are apps for mothers to meet other mothers, and there are friendship apps too, however my friend was quite stunned by this sudden change. She didn’t want to take to apps to meet new friends, she had friends, she thought…. And even when she did have a little look, there weren’t many people seeking childless friends. Again that was a taboo. She didn’t feel she could write that they specifically wanted childless friends who were not ever going to deviate from that plan! It made them seem like child hating monsters!

It’s not that my friend hates children, she just doesn’t want to socialise with them. She willingly babysits and actually loves children, but came from a large family and spent her childhood helping her mother raise her siblings, so she knows first hand the limitations and responsibility involved, and enjoys her freedom too much to give that up. Which is perfectly reasonable!

But it also means that when she is babysitting, she is still not on the invite list for the social event! In many cases the parents are actually off enjoying their limited nights off with their new parent friends, which makes my friend feel particularly overlooked and sad. The very choice she thought would encourage her friendships ultimately still left her struggling.

So what is the answer? We must not forget our childless friends. We must make effort to see them without the children just as often as they make effort to see us with them! I think that is fair. For every lunch you host including them and the kids at your house, you should be prepared to step out of your own comfort zone and try to attend one of their child free dinners. It certainly takes much patience and understanding from both sides. Understanding that people with kids can’t stay out all night drinking because they have to be up, sober and not hung over to parent again at 5am. But maybe you can get there early instead and enjoy canapes and a champagne or 2 and not talk about children for at least an hour!

Compromise, is key to any situation and thinking about the circumstances and perspectives of each other. As I said recently, it’s not a matter of right and wrong, each person is valid, as is their experience, so focus on what you can do for each other and not what you can’t?
Build bridges, not walls….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

COMPROMISE People! Balance. Respect. Understanding. Patience.

10 Reasons to be Grateful for Great Friends

Some parts of the world are gearing up to celebrate Thanksgiving. In the USA, Brazil, Liberia and other places this holiday falls on the 26th November, whereas our friends over in Canada already celebrated this back on the 12th October this year. Other countries, such as Germany and Japan also celebrate similar holidays around a similar time of year. In line with that, although Australia doesn’t technically celebrate, I thought it was a good excuse to write a post about all the benefits of friendships and reasons to be grateful for them… not that I need an excuse!

1. Friendships provide a safe place to be your completely unfiltered true self. This allows us to melt and vent some of the stress away and usually also includes some sort of refreshing beverage too!

2. Friendships offer a heart-warming sense of acceptance, connection, comradery and belonging. Because friendship is a voluntary relationship there is something so special about being “chosen.”

3. Friends are fun! Sometimes we all get bogged down in the day to day of work, responsibilities, domestic and caring duties, that we forget to prioritise the things we want to do and the people we want to spend more time with! 9 times out of 10 these people are our friends because we have the most fun with them. Doesn’t matter if you are on a night out or a night in, sharing an activity or a meal or just talking, chances are you will be smiling more than normal!

4. Friendships expose us to new ideas, concepts, opinions, cultures and beliefs. They encourage our personal development, to challenge ourselves and to grow beyond our comfort zone. They help shape the people we choose to become as we develop a separate individual identity outside of our family and upbringing.

5. Many studies have proven a link between the amount of friendships we have and overall life span. Friendships have so many health benefits, physically, mentally and emotionally they could be our literal life lines!   

6. Friends can motivate us through their own successes and similarly we can learn vicariously from each-others mistakes too. If you think of life like one of those choose an ending story books, friends are the people who take a separate path to yours, and tell you how it worked out for them and if they recommend it for you.

7. Feeling included instead of isolated. Feeling validated instead of unseen or unheard or misunderstood. Feeling cared about, important and liked. These feelings improve our self esteem and encourage our self-worth. They help give us the confidence we need to make decisions and friendships also offer the security and support to know we can deal with any negative consequences of those decisions.

8. Friends can be useful! Two heads are better than one, as are four hands better than 2! Need help baking 100 cupcakes for the school bake sale tomorrow? How about help moving house? Friends often provide this practical or mental support to solve our problems for no other reason that they care and they can. They want to help us, and often make the task at hand much more enjoyable or at least less stressful at the same time.

9. Friends make life more interesting. We experience life through them as much as we experience it firsthand. We hear tales of travels and other careers. We learn interesting facts, meet interesting new people and experience new foods, activities and traditions through them. The mental stimulation they provide helps keep our brains sharper and our empathy stronger.

10. Friends bring out the best in us, and make us overall better people. Remember that the key to having great friends is being a great friend! Great friends are hard to come by, so hold on to the ones you have and tell them they are what you are grateful for this thanks giving, wherever you are from and whatever you believe or celebrate. You don’t need a reason!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating this year. I am grateful for you reading this blog! Thanks!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social Media rewriting personal history and friendships?

Have a look at your friends list on your social media platforms. I am willing to bet MOST of you will find a strange collection of people there. People you vaguely remember speaking to at a cousin’s wedding, friends you used to be friendly with in primary school, and probably quite a few friends from high school that you were actually never friends with. Like, probably never even spoke to?

I don’t know about you, but for me, many of these people I still don’t actually speak to, or even interact with. I don’t recall friend requesting them and I am unsure why they ever friend requested me when we are not friends, and we never were? It’s not lost on me the obvious solution is to unfriend these people and move on with my life.

I am certain they would not notice or care. I don’t follow them, and I am sure they don’t follow me either. I don’t like their statuses or pictures and they don’t like mine.  I don’t count my friends via social media, yet, for some inexplicable reason, I have not taken the step to unfriend them. I suppose, it feels unnecessarily unfriendly as an action, because there is only the unfriend option. But I am not really unfriending them on the basis that we were never friends in the first place.

For younger folks, this may seem strange, I don’t know, but I have to assume these platforms were new when we joined them and we got over excited adding any name we even remotely recognised. Collecting friends, so to speak, wanting a peak at what had become of everyone we went to school with and wondering who was still friends with who. Not to mention to see the random connections that may now exist between yourselves and themselves through an extended network.

But over a decade later, why are these people still there and what is the value in keeping them there? Some are at least going through some stuff, and sharing tips, motivational quotes and other things of interest or value. Others, obviously I seem to keep tabs on from afar. Logging in recently I was shocked to see one of them was “in a relationship” with someone new, when I believed she was happily married to someone else. Clicking on her profile for further investigation showed nothing, but his was more interesting! Until I caught myself and reminded myself it is none of my business what has happened between them. It feels a bit wrong that I should even know at all. I was really just being nosy. Their life drama should not be my entertainment.

I wrote a post pertaining to orbiting recently. Where someone in your life is no longer friendly or engaging with you in reality, however still interacts with you distantly via social media. I am unsure if these friends that never were friends fall into that category? Are we orbiting each other? It seems unlikely as I never like or comment on anything of theirs, and the sentiment is reciprocated. However, while there is no real reason for them to be there, it feels like there is also no real reason for them not to be there, you know?  I don’t know if that is because our social media connection has tricked my brain into thinking that we are in fact friends, or that we were at some stage in the past, or if it is because social media has become the official friendship breakup status?

Many people I know consider a social media unfriending to be the final straw. Severing that life support connection once and for all, with no hope of return. Unfriending a contact has become a statement piece, intended to be loud and painful. So maybe that association is why I have trouble disconnecting from people who don’t need to be there but haven’t actually slighted me in any way!

It’s not particularly a problem for me, in that I don’t post much myself, and things I do post are usually not especially personal/private anyway. But I do admit that I never think about if these people would see my post, and if I am comfortable with it. I am sure they also don’t, especially when I see personal posts like mentioned above and I feel a bit awkward about it because it isn’t my business.  It isn’t limited to just old school or work connections either, but also to casual acquaintances that perhaps I hoped would become friends but didn’t, or people I see regularly in that we travel in the same circles but never actually really speak?

Or maybe it really is a numbers game? As I tend to only have 5 close friends, 10 external friends and the rest family, maybe I just don’t want to see that small number reflected back to me? But why? They are the people I am aiming at when I post anything, the people I want to tell. Does it matter if the number is 12, or 120 or 1200?  Has our social success and status become just another facade to keep up with?

I think it is probably time to get real and get rid of quite a few of these people. Not because I dislike them, but because we aren’t friends. I don’t need to do a dramatic post about the “culling” that I see many people do, because the people I would cut are highly unlikely to notice my absence anyway. And that is probably the biggest indicator of why they don’t belong there.

Maybe that is why an unfriend stings so much? You are willing to share your life with Joe Bloggs from the corner store, but you and I are officially through?  How did he earn status when he never even spoke to you and I was a significant person in your life?! Don’t get me wrong, if we are no longer friends, I don’t want to see your stuff anyway, but it is an uncomfortable double standard.

If social media has become the cornerstone of friendships, then it should represent the people with whom we are actually friends. I certainly don’t have 100 friends in life, so mine is inaccurate and I don’t mind saying so. The question is will I change it, even if I think I should? Will you?


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How and when to say no to a friend.

I’m probably not the best person to write this particular post, because I really struggle here…. But then again, who doesn’t? I don’t really know anybody who loves letting their friends down, and that’s probably a good thing. Regardless, sometimes we do let them down! It might be easier to ignore it, especially when you don’t even realise it has happened, but I’m talking about the times your friend directly asks you for something and the answer is going to be a direct no.

It could be anything, from asking you to care for her children, to borrowing money or possessions, to being a bridesmaid at her wedding or hosting her birthday party. Whatever it is, I am sure you have your justified reasons not to oblige, however it is important to remember that even if you don’t, saying no because you just don’t want to is perfectly acceptable.

How you say no, depends on your friendship and how you usually communicate. For example I have a friend with whom I am generally negative and sarcastic. If she invites me to her best friend’s birthday party, I’m for sure going to shut that down with a hard pass, and a snarky comment like “Have you met me? Since when do I enjoy parties or large groups?” However, if this same friend invited me to a party of personal significance to her and it was important to her that I was there, then my approach would be much gentler, and focus on the things I can or would do than the thing I was not willing to do. Say she invited me to her 40th for example? I might say “I know you understand I struggle with groups, and I would much rather celebrate with you privately. I was thinking I could take you on a girl’s weekend away and we’ll make it really special doing all the things you love, just you and I. While I won’t be at your party, I am more than happy to help you plan for it. If we set aside the day before, we can make some platters and go shopping for the wine and decorations then put them all up so on the day all you have to do is get your gorgeous self ready to shine!!”

Now, it depends on your level of investment in the friendship, and also your personal boundaries and limits. Another friend may agree to show up for an hour, or to be the designated photographer so she feels less awkward mingling, or offer a private dinner at her house instead of a weekend. The details are down to you, but I do feel it is best to decide what you are comfortable with and counter offer those. A good friend should respect your boundaries, but if they were to push you, it would be fair to acknowledge their disappointment and validate it, but reaffirm your boundaries. For example you might say “I know you are disappointed that I won’t be there, I’m sorry to let you down, but that’s the best I can offer and I hope you will accept and respect my boundaries on this?”

It is important to note here, you do not have to apologise, and if you do, you are apologising for letting your friend down, not for having your own wants, needs and boundaries. It is also important to be as flexible as you can, without becoming a doormat, because we would hope our friends would do the same for us if the situation were reversed.

If you do have more valid reasons for declining the request, it is up to you if you are willing to share them. Before you do however, ask yourself if it is truly the reason or an excuse, and also if it will be helpful to the situation. For example, if a friend asks you to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, before you quip that you’d love to, but unfortunately you can’t afford all the things that go along with that right now, like a new dress and new shoes, hair and makeup, hens parties, transport etc…. ask yourself if that is truly your reasoning. Because she may get back to you with the news that she intends to cover those expenses and then you’ll feel trapped. Trying to get out of it from here would only prove uncomfortably that you just don’t want to and to add insult to injury, you lied about it. If you feel you aren’t close enough to be asked, for example, is it helpful or necessary to draw attention to this? Obviously your friend thinks you are close enough to ask even if you don’t reciprocate. In that case, you probably aren’t all that interested in the wedding prep or the hens night either, so you might just say “I am really so touched that you would think to ask me to be a part of your special day, and although I am going to decline your offer I really am delighted for you and wishing you all the best in your life together.  X”

Now, you do not have to offer an excuse, as tempting as it is, to soften the blow. However many of us want to do that or choose to do that regardless, so if that is part of your strategy, or if the friend in question directly asks why you are declining, make sure your excuse is true, and also about yourself.  Again, the apology is optional, and it is about their disappointment not about your failure to deliver. “Sorry to let you down, I understand weddings are a big deal and also very stressful, but that is why I have chosen to decline. I actually already have quite a lot of commitments and stress on my plate at the moment without adding to it. Thank you for understanding. I do value our friendship.” (ONLY if you do actually value it. If you don’t, then you can probably safely assume it will fizzle after this anyway.)

When it comes to lending money, I suggest a firmer strategy, such as “I understand that it wasn’t easy for you to ask, so I am sure you understand it wasn’t easy for me to decline either. My firm belief and boundary is that friendships and finances shouldn’t mix.” If you are willing to offer other supports, by all means tell your friend that. Maybe you would be willing to do a grocery shop for them this week, or maybe you are willing to have them over for a meal, or cook them some food and take it over. Maybe you are willing to pay them for a service instead of loaning, and could suggest they cut your hair, paid, instead? (If they happen to be a hairdresser, you get my drift! Lol) Perhaps you just have some suggestions for how they could earn extra cash? Try not to be patronising, but you could add at the end of your message “If you are looking for extra cash, my friend was looking for a babysitter/dog walker etc ….” (Or whatever opportunity you saw) You could even offer some words of encouragement such as “Things will get better, you will find a way through this, I am here to talk it through and brainstorm alternative ideas if you like.” However at the end of the day, it is not your responsibility to fix this for your friend and you are within your rights just to say no and close the conversation.

As for more menial things, such as babysitting, watering someone’s plants or feeding their animals when they are away, or fixing their computer for them because you happen to be more skilled in the area than they are for example, please remember that no is a complete sentence. I do encourage flexibility and discretion here. If your friend asks you to collect her kid from school because she is stuck at the hospital with her other sick child, this probably isn’t the moment to make your “I don’t want to” debut. A once off, due to unexpected circumstances is totally different to someone taking advantage of you. However if your friend never seems to be able to do the school run because she is disorganised or if you fixed your friend’s computer once because you were there and you could, but now every time it has an issue she brings it over, that is different and when you need to set a boundary.

It is acceptable to say “You seem to struggle to be there on time to pick up your kids from school quite often. Have you looked into after school care because I can’t continue to commit to picking them up several times a week for you?” Or “Have you tried the computer shop around the corner? I heard they were quite good. I was happy to help you the first time, but I think you would be better to start taking it to the professionals for proper help in future.”

Whatever you choose to do, you can validate your friends’ feelings while still respecting your own needs and boundaries. It is always better to say no than to say yes and let the anger and resentment build. And it is better not to tell white lies about why you can’t do something. As tempting as it is, you’ll get tangled in your own web at some point! Learn from my mistakes and just trust me!


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Spooky Psychological Facts (and Fictions)That Could Be Creeping Into Your Friendships!

Have you ever said to someone that you will be friends until you die, and you will never forget them? Well, it might even last longer than that….  Anywhere from 7 to 10 minutes to be exact(depending on which study/article you read, click the numbers for the links) Scientists have proven that you can remember someone after you are dead, because a person’s brain has 7 to 10 minutes of activity after they die, during which it replays memories of the person’s life. They may also still hear you as hearing is the last sense to go! What would you say to your closest friends if you only had 7 to 10 minutes to express everything?

Ok, so this one is more fiction than fact, but it is a well-known legend….that counts, right? Have you ever struggled to get to sleep at night? Or woken up thinking of someone randomly and been unable to get back to sleep? According to psychological facts, the inability to fall asleep at night means you’re awake in someone else’s dream?! The next time this happens, maybe it is an idea to ask your friends if any of them dreamt about you! It might even reveal which of your friends is most emotionally invested in your friendship! And of course, confirm your place in the friendship as the eccentric one! Haha According to this article from dreams.co.uk by Leigh Horan, this is believed to be true in Japanese culture! It’s a nice idea… a dream perhaps?!

Are you a reader from the USA? I’m glad I don’t live there, because according to this article (Warning – link depicts scary graphic) on Thoughtcatalogue.com by Jerome London, you are likely to meet (or pass in the street perhaps) approximately 12 up to 36 or even 41 serial killers in your lifetime without knowing it…. If you’re interested in the maths behind this theory, check out Leo Qin’s post from Leozqin.me, which appears to be about 5 years old, here. The good news is that it is extremely unlikely that your friend is a killer…. On the other hand the bad news is that it isn’t impossible either! Would you want to know? Might be safer not to know? Either way, hopefully you wouldn’t find out the hard way!!

Have you ever wondered if a friend actually likes you, or if you like them? According to this article on news24.com written by Salome Gurgenidze on 05 Feb 2015 for Women24, science says it only takes four minutes or less to “ fall in like” (decide if you like someone or not.) And it has less to do with what you say and more to do with tone and speed of voice and body language. If someone doesn’t like you almost straight away it is unlikely they ever will. So if you are chasing after someone, trying to get them to like you, it’s time to stop wasting your time! In just under four minutes you could potentially be meeting someone who does like you, which seems more productive. If it is you who is uncertain, don’t feel bad. You don’t have to like everyone, even if you can’t exactly pinpoint why. I encourage you to be cordial, but don’t mislead anyone into thinking you are available for a friendship you aren’t sure you want to pursue. You too, could be meeting someone else that sparks with you in more meaningful ways in under 5 minutes! If you aren’t sure, move along until you are!

Do you prefer the security of a group friendship? Does it feel safer to you to blend in with the crowd?! Everybody knows there is safety in numbers, right? Maybe not, according to the bystander effect, scientific studies have discovered your friends are less likely to rush to your aide if there is a group of others around them and you, each one waiting for someone else to act! (If you are interested to know more about the bystander effect, check out this link from Psychology Today about it!) It reminds me a bit of the below meme. So if something is to go wrong next time you are out with a group of friends, don’t wait for anyone else to act or respond, be the person who does, and the others are likely to follow! Sorry to say, to my personal friends, I tend to freeze in emergency situations, so do NOT follow my lead, nor rely on me to save you!! Haha

Have you ever brought a friend to tears, but weren’t entirely sure if they were tears of joy or pain and sadness? Well apparently if you pay close attention, the body will give will give you a clue! If they are tears of joy, the first tear will fall from the right eye, however tears of pain will start flowing from the left eye! I’m not too sure if it has anything to do with the heart being on the left side, where things are felt more deeply, but it is a nifty way to remember this trick in future! (I cannot find a source to say that this is scientifically proven, so chances are this is another fiction or legend, but test it out anyway, and see what you think?)

What about the friend who doesn’t seem to be happy unless she has something to complain about? We all have at least one negative friend (who, me?! Never! Lol) who never seems to see the bright side. She always has something bad or snarky to say, even her humour is dark! Try as you might, nothing seems to improve her mood or state of mind? Well, studies have shown you might be wasting your time trying, as according to this article on sciencedaily.com there is new evidence to suggest that negativity could be genetic! If there is a certain gene linked to negativity, and your friend was born with that gene, you may just need to be the Pooh Bear to her Eye-Ore!

Speaking of friends with a dark sarcastic sense of humour, they may know more than they care to let on. If you believe everything that is written on the internet, which you shouldn’t, It is said that sarcastic people are more likely to be mind-readers! This article on lifehack.org by Margeilyn Musser goes into more detail of 10 reasons sarcastic people are smarter than you think! Or perhaps just realists who understand the likelihood of an estimated response to things at any given time. These people are more observant and read body language too, so it isn’t all in what you say or do, but also what you don’t that gives away the clues. Similarly, if you have a friend who always seems to know and call you out on even the tiniest of white lies, the chances are they are a pretty good liars themselves. This is what makes your lies stand out to them, they are better at it than you! So be careful how much you trust them!! For more information check out this article on scientificamerican.com by Travis Riddle on 24th July 2012.

What about the friend who is so hard to read, because they don’t say much at all?! Do they even have an opinion on anything?? The chances are, they don’t share their thoughts because they don’t think you are ready or open to hearing them. These friends will not argue what they know to be true, and will not waste breath opening up to people not on the same level! This doesn’t mean they don’t like you, but it does usually mean they don’t agree with you and don’t think there is any point in trying to correct your closed minded thinking! If you want to know their real thoughts, express that perhaps you are wrong or missing something and ask for guidance, then they are more likely to share. This shows a more open minded approach from you which they find more engaging.  I actually don’t know if that is a fact, more so a belief. But what is a fact is that not everybody has a monologue of thoughts to share in the ways we do, making them harder to articulate! Which is cool, but also kinda creepy! Check it out here on mymodernmet.com written by Jessica Stewart on 20th Feb 2020.

Have you ever had a friend who was seemingly confident, cool calm and collected? This is the friend that you have never seen cry. They are always the strong one and never crack under pressure! Have you ever idolised them and wished you could be less sensitive, more resilient like they are, not caring what others think? Well, think again. According to this factoid on themindsjournal.com, pretending not to care is actually the habit of someone who generally cares the most as an emotional defence mechanism! These people tend to have friends who lean on them for support and they are very interested in your life without giving much away themselves. Try showing a real interest in them, and watch how they blossom under your love and attention. They just need someone to show them it is safe to be vulnerable, and authentic but it will take patience and years for them to fully open up and rediscover themselves, so hang in there. Fact or fiction, I’ll let you decide, but it feels like there is truth to this!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I sure am!! haha

10 Cute, kooky or downright spooky Halloween costumes for best friend duos

With Halloween approaching next week you and your bestie may be starting to think of cool costumes you could wear to celebrate and demonstrate your awesome friendship? Well here are some iconic best friend ideas for you, but the costumes will have to be your own creative genius!

1. Woody and Buzz Light year from Toy Story

2. Pooh and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh

3. Patsy and Eddy from Absolutely Fabulous

4. Romy and Michelle from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

5. Thelma and Louise from the movie Thelma and Louise

6. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, or Wilma and Betty from the Flintstones

7. Bart and Milhouse from The Simpsons

8. Kath and Kim

9. Bert and Ernie



10. Twins from the shining

Many of the people who do these costumes splatter blood on the dress for extra spooky effect!



Happy Halloween, and have fun. Head over to the Facebook page and share your pics if you used any of the ideas, we’d love to see your creative creations!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Enduring the Emptiness.

This is a 2 part blog. Please scroll down to the entry before this one to read the first installment!
The brief recap is that a friend I was close with and saw regularly had some changes in her life that made her unavailable for the same level of friendship, time, and attention, and I took this change very personally.

When I told my friend I didn’t want to continue our friendship, she was hurt. I had imagined she would be angry and be glad to see the back of me always being too needy. She refused to let it go without a fight and she immediately made time for us to really talk about what was happening for me. It was NOT an easy or pleasant conversation. We both cried and yelled and spoke hurtful truths. I thought we were going to end, and I regretted going there for that conversation. I felt it’d have been better to leave all of that ugliness unsaid and just part ways. The conversation continued until 4am when we were both exhausted. But in the end, we hugged it out, said we loved one another enough to keep trying and get our friendship “back on track.”

My expectations and hopes were raised that we could get through this and be what we were once more. But as time went on, her availability or seeming interest didn’t change much. For a very long time, things still felt empty. But as I had tried to end it and failed, I decided to just endure it and accept the distance. Maybe the friendship would fizzle out. As a result of that thinking, in time, my expectations for it to be what it used to be diminished. It wasn’t like that anymore and it was never going to be.

When my expectations began to fall, I noticed though that my despair also diminished. I couldn’t control it or change it, the only choice was to accept it. As I accepted less time and attention, I was able to appreciate that although we spoke less, this was still someone who knew me better than most. I could still share with her, and she could still share with me, when we made the time to do so. I still cared for her, and I realised she still cared for me. We are actually still close, albeit in less consuming ways.

I reflected with my friend over that dinner that I hadn’t done much to save that friendship. I was very all or nothing about it. I couldn’t endure the silence and distance and space growing between us or the emptiness. I had assumed it was going to feel like that forever. And that it was going to hurt forever. It took a long time, but it did eventually feel less empty. If my friend hadn’t of insisted she would not let me go without a fight, a really important person in my life would be no longer.

I am really glad I learned to let it be less, that I tolerated the emptiness. That I reached acceptance without being extreme. That was my fight. My friend knows this was hard for me and she is so proud of me for working through it. She did fight for us in the end and I am glad she did, but really the change had to be from me. I had assumed she had to make more effort to prove I was still important, when really I had to tolerate the uncomfortable period so she could pursue happiness in her life. I had to support that even if it cost me. That’s what good friends do. If this story resonates with you, let go of what it was. Let it be what it is. It wont be easy but it will probably be worth it. Once your experience meets your expectations, you will feel better. It’s not the experience that needs to adjust, it is your expectations. If something is different, then that is what it is. Not worse or less. Your feelings are valid but it isn’t your friends job to manage your feelings, you will have to do that alone.

I was so caught up in what my friend did or didn’t do. I never stopped to really ask myself “What have I done to save this?” Remember how I said you might live to regret the things you didn’t do? As I finished my meal with my friend, she concluded that is the worst regret, what she didn’t do to save relationships with people. The effort she didn’t put in and the emptiness she would not endure as she wonders what might have been that isn’t anymore. Sometimes we don’t recognise that when people walk away it was because we let them go and we cost ourselves the pleasure of any connection at all.

Endure the emptiness. It will pass. The ending probably wont. If you are hurting enough to walk away, the friendship is probably meaningful enough not to!

Playing your part.

(2 part blog entry)

Friendships change over time. They wax and wane. We make new ones and lose some too. Circumstances change. Priorities and values change. People change. Sometimes imperceptibly over time, and sometimes seemingly quite suddenly. None the less it happens and we cannot control this.  When a close or reliable friendship changes, it isn’t an easy experience sometimes. We can struggle to adjust. Things between us don’t feel the same and we do not like it.

On chatting to a long standing friend over a meal recently, we landed on the topic of regret. Something we all experience, rightfully or wrongfully, at some point in our lives. Some of us regret what we did. Some of us regret what we said. Others of us regret what we did not say or do. Unfortunately there is no sliding doors moment in life before we make important choices and we cannot predict very accurately which choices will lead to regret later down the track.

Regret isn’t particularly helpful on its own, however with a dose of reflection and with the benefit of time passed and hindsight, some things seem much clearer than they did at the time. My friend and I discussed friendship regrets, and interestingly both concluded that we shared regrets of being too extreme in thinking at times of crisis or conflict. All or nothing attitudes tend to leave you with nothing!

The friendship that inspires me to write this blog is a very special one to me. It is also one which taught me much about myself and my expectations of friendships that were getting in the way of the closeness I was trying to achieve.  My friend and I had become very close over the space of a few years. We had weekly Friday night girly sessions and spoke most days via messages or social media. We shared everything, secrets, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, loves and heart breaks. Nothing was off limits. Not poo or sex or parenting dilemmas.

Aren’t friendships like that so warm and cosy? I loved it and I loved my friend. I loved what we shared and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it! Except that wasn’t actually up to me. Things in her life changed, and without going into detail, there wasn’t as much space for me in her life anymore. All of a sudden she seemed unavailable, busy, had other priorities and could no longer give me the time and attention she had given before.

I wont lie. It hurt! A LOT! I felt forgotten, disposable, used and  abandoned. No matter how much my friend tried to reassure me she loved and valued me as much as she always had, it didn’t feel true. She assured me time and time again that she missed me and she wished she still had the space for us, but that her life had changed and it wasn’t personal. I’m going to be honest. It felt personal so I basically just chose not to believe her.

When she still could make the time to catch up or talk, much of that time was spent talking about her new life. It kinda felt like she didn’t care about me anymore, although she was still sharing of herself with me, I no longer felt I wanted to do the same. Things had changed and I didn’t want to pretend that they hadn’t. I kept showing up, hoping it would change, that I would somehow feel connected to her again, and I was consistently disappointed.

While I used to leave her company feeling refreshed and happy, I seemed to be leaving it more recently feeling sad, confused, alone and empty. I no longer wanted to spend time with her, because it didn’t feel the same as it used to. I felt that she hadn’t even noticed or cared we weren’t close anymore while it was destroying me. I questioned our friendship and if it had ever been close if she didn’t even notice I was gone. I spent Friday nights ruminating and resenting her for not spending them with me anymore and dwelling on the huge hole it left in my life and in my heart that she was gone. A hole she didn’t really acknowledge but when she did, she justified it and did nothing to change it. Spending time with her just felt empty and hollow. A shell of the warm comforting place her company had been before. I thought I couldn’t accept it, but the truth was I just didn’t want to.

The change between us felt less than before and I didn’t feel I deserved less, nor did I want less. Eventually the pain got so intense, I decided it would be easier to move forward without her in my life. To stop “pretending” we were still friends when it felt completely untrue to me. And perhaps, the uglier side of it was that I felt I had lost her, and so she should lose me too. (The reason being that I was still there for her anytime she needed me, but she was no longer able to reciprocate that, and I was unwilling to see her attempts as trying and insisted on seeing them as minimal effort.)

(Lyrics from an awesome song called Hesitate by Stone Sour, to Listen, click here.)

TO BE CONTINUED…. If you can relate to this, please do tune in next week for the next installment, or just scroll up to the next post if you are visiting at least a week after the publishing date.)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Not Flora or Fauna or Friendship Fawner!

Last week I discussed that I sometimes let my inner people pleaser lead me astray and seemed to draw me to situations involving the very rejection I fear. I wanted to do some research into this, and quickly spiraled down the proverbial internet rabbit hole! Website after website, article after article. I came across personality disorders, psychological conditions and the random opinions of many reddit subscribers! As interesting as it was, none of it was resonating particularly with what I was feeling or experiencing.

At least until I stumbled across this article on Greatist.com titled “Why Am I Trying So Hard To Make People Like Me?” This article referenced a 4th response to trauma I have never heard of before called fawning. (The other responses are fight, flight or freeze.) Never having heard of this concept, naturally it piqued my interest and I promptly followed the link to learn more about it. Imagine my delight when it took me to the blog of Sam Dylan Finch, called “Lets Queer Things Up.” Ok, that probably doesn’t tickle most of you the way it tickles me, but regardless of orientation, the concept was fascinating.

Sam Dylan Finch references Pete Walker as the founder of this phenomenon. I did have a look at his page, however it didn’t resonate with me in the same ways as Sam’s. Pete’s theory is that this is a learned trauma response in toddlers, however I can assure you that I was no wall flower (Flora?!) people pleaser in the home growing up, and this response, for me, appears to have been learned in external relationships not familial ones. Sam Dylan Finch however does make reference to this specifically in relation to queer feminine women who are drawn to other feminine women, and that seems the likeliest place where this behaviour was learned and how it began a cycle of friendship drama that I have trouble escaping. Regardless of how you developed the trauma, it could be the same for you and playing out in your relationships, friendships and among your colleagues and acquaintances.

For me, it seems reasonable that as I grew up I realised there was something different about me to the other girls my age. I craved their acceptance and approval more than I could articulate or even understand. Obviously I wanted to be close to them and I wanted them to love me, however was faced with the harsh reality that girls only loved boys. (I didn’t know that there was a spectrum, I thought it was an absolute.) And as I got older, I learned that they would specifically be less close to me perhaps if they felt uncomfortable in my presence. Knowing that I had inclinations for females definitely put me in this category. So somewhere along the lines I learned in order to have women in my life, as close as they felt comfortable being, I would need to put myself aside and be almost subservient. Show them only what they wanted to see. Love her in ways all the boys failed to love her, and support her through endless heartbreaks. If I did all of that, and made sure I respected the boundary of expecting nothing in return, then I would have the closeness I craved…. Almost.

And so it has become habit to bite my tongue and smile and nod when I disagree, say nothing when I am let down by her lack of reciprocation and accept that closeness is elusive and can exist only before some man steals her away. To tolerate pain that comes with loving someone at the level of a lover while they disregard you and most conversations will be focused on those that she does love. And somehow this belief that I had to expect or accept less permeated into my general ideas or patterns around friendship. Fear of rejection has dominated my communication style to the point that rejection is the expected outcome and when it gets extreme I would rather walk away myself than face another crushing round….

So this predicament seems to turn into a nasty pattern where I over give, then exhaust myself, suddenly realising that the other person is not reciprocating and there is a need of mine which is not being met. I tune in to the gap that exists between my expectation of the friendship and the reality of it, and consciously withdraw my investment to a level that feels appropriate with their own level of investment and effort.  Ironically that almost never goes down well. It seems to be an expectation of most that I will continue to over invest, and they seem unaware of the imbalance or hypocrisy of this.(Or perhaps unaware how little they offer and how much they accept and unwilling to address or acknowledge it,) In turn, one or the other of us will eventually walk away, or dwindle down to something we call friendship, but which doesn’t really require any effort or investment that an actual friendship does.

Now, perhaps my driving force for closeness with women is impacting this cycle, and why my expectations of friendships to be intense but also to require a high investment and energy is unrealistic. Certainly it puts me at odds with most of my heterosexual peers, but as these are the women with whom I most strongly identify, how can I approach friendships with them differently to avoid the disappointing cycle?

I suppose I need to have better boundaries around friendships to begin with and the differences between loving someone romantically and platonically on an emotional scale. So what are these subtle differences? Friends are expected to help and support you so long as it is convenient for them to do so. A romantic partner may be expected to find ways to offer help and support even when it is not so convenient. Step 1. Do not go out of your way for someone who you either would not expect to go out of their way for you, or for someone who simply would not be prepared to go out of their way for you if it was not convenient to do so.

Friends are people you spend time with when you have some free time and you are looking to fill it, romantic partners are who people seek to “make time” for and are drawn to see on a more regular basis. (There is usually a sexual component to this drive to spend time, and this often boils down to a sense of validation sourced from a person of the gender to whom you are attracted.) Step 2. Keep expectations low on time spent together. And even when the time is frequent, know your place. This could change at any time when somebody more interesting comes along or circumstances change. Have many friends meeting your social need equally not one friend heavily or predominantly.

The reason people are drawn to romantic partners over friendships is because we live in a society that values family. The goal of many people is to find a partner, and make a family. Added to this, the demands of family already existing will also take priority. People tend to be quite busy with family, always at a birthday or celebration of some sort, or caring for elderly grandparents or parents. People, as a general rule, do want friendships, but feel they do not have the time to prioritise them, however much they might like to. Step 3. Do not expect or seek validation from friendships even if your friends are of your preferred gender, and do not expect friends to make you a priority. It is a burden they cannot carry.

For me this means knowing that women do love and accept me as I am, and I do not need to excessively make up for any perceived inequality from the starting point. I do not need to try so hard to please them to gain their approval. It means knowing I am “one of the girls” whether they approve or not! It means enjoying what time and attention they can offer, and reciprocating at that level. And it means finding friends who do prioritise friendships as I do, if I wish to feel closer and spend more time together. But most of all, it means knowing as beautiful as this “Flora” may be, it will never be a “Fauna” and it should stop being a friendship Fawner!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fawning is forcing friendship and I need to learn this and stop!

When to walk away?

This is such a hard question to answer, and I want to start right here and tell you that I actually don’t know the answer myself. I can only tell you that I have walked away and that people have walked away from me too. Obviously each situation is different, so there is no one size fits all solution. For me it has been a feeling more than a set of events or signs for example.

However on reflection of friendships lost, perhaps there were ways to salvage things that I didn’t try for one reason or another? Fear of rejection? Feeling paralysed? Not wanting to say or do the wrong thing or be perceived as wrong, bad or unfriendly? Or even letting things get so bad that walking away was a relief rather than a sad loss? It happens! The main undercurrent I can detect in my own circumstances though, was feeling psychic. Yes, psychic?!

I know how odd that sounds, so let me explain and see if you can relate! I suppose I tend to think I already know that the outcome is going to be an ending. Bleak, but true. Pessimist remember!
In retrospect, I have been looking for a friendly way to deal with conflict, when the nature of conflict is unfriendly. In a bid to avoid conflict I perhaps bring upon myself the very endings I wish to avoid by avoiding any opportunity for resolution!

If a friend has said or done something hurtful, crossed a boundary or made me uncomfortable in some way, I struggle to articulate that. Because it is confrontational. Because it implies blame. Because I imagine the friend in question will be dismissive of my feelings, or deny their actions. If they don’t deny it they may excuse it by explaining intent. Even if they apologise, it’s a bit like that scrunched up paper theory, it doesn’t fix things necessarily.

I am all too aware that sometimes this is because I take my feelings too seriously. Or because I ignore them and attempt to suppress them until there is far too much hurt and pain to continue. That I am guilty of forgetting that thoughts and feelings are not facts. If you forgot about my birthday and I think it means you don’t care about me, for example, then I might forget that was just a thought, which influenced negative feelings about not being cared about. These things can spiral pretty quickly, and it can be difficult to stop and gain some perspective about alternative scenario’s that aren’t about me. Like maybe you had other more urgent things taking up your mental space?! (That was an example. If you forgot my birthday, I’m not mad, I promise! Haha)

So sometimes I am definitely guilty of making myself feel worse instead of helping the situation, convincing myself things are worse than they might be and as a defense mechanism can withdraw as a result. However that is not always, or even often the case. Most of the time a boundary has been violated, or the friendship has become one sided or something else pretty obvious has occurred and it isn’t feeling ok with me. I know exactly what has happened but I can’t figure out a way to articulate myself in a way that doesn’t seem confrontational.

When I imagine the conversations in my head, the other person is defensive, angry, or finds ways to turn things around and make it all my fault. The idea of it turning ugly paralyses me. I’m not sure how to approach the situation or what to say, there’s a good chance I will just avoid the situation or the person all together. This has NOT been helpful. Somewhere in my subconscious mind the outcome is obvious – ugly confrontations lead to endings, so why not just skip the middle and be done with it?

However when someone talked to me recently about something I had done that was upsetting, I was apologetic, and compassionate in my response. I was surprised to hear that my friend felt the way she did, however I accepted accountability for it. (When I ran the scenario past a few people I trust and admire, they agreed with my friend and could understand how she’d felt.) So I learnt 2 lessons that day. The first one was to be more mindful of my words when awkward situations arose! The second one was that my friend trusted me enough to resolve this issue in a way that didn’t make for an ugly scenario and an ending.

Something I have perhaps not been vulnerable enough to practice with others. The people pleaser in me lives on, and I must fight to remember she is not psychic, and at times she is not helpful. So to answer my own question, the time to walk away is not too soon! As a general rule. only after you have tried everything you can to resolve the situation no matter how scary or vulnerable that feels. (Naturally this only applies if you actually do want to keep the friendship.) If your friend has upset you in some way, let them know, so that they can show you that they care enough to fix it and trust that they do and they will!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx