Clashing with the clique…. Is crushing…. Continued from last week…

(For part 1 of the story click here.)

Then there was the accidental mention of another group chat – one which she seemed to have fallen off the invitation list for. Again, she justified this. She had in fact told them she wasn’t able to be on her phone all day messaging – she hadn’t meant she didn’t want to be included though. She might have found the chats overwhelming but still scanned them after work for any important dates or details, so to suddenly hear the silence was in some ways bittersweet. Then there was a holiday overseas which she was the last to know about. They did include her but as their accommodation was full, she had to stay elsewhere. During that trip they were less than forthcoming about their plans and didn’t seem to notice her absence – she was constantly chasing them up and waiting for invitations to join them. She saw them once in 5 days.

Shortly after that there was pictures on social media of a weekend away, that she hadn’t known about. A pain I am all too familiar with myself. But again she justified that it looked like a couples weekend and as a single member of the tribe, it makes sense they didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and just didn’t mention it….

As she had become aware that some of the women in the group appeared to be competing with her, she decided to let go of the group idea, and just focus on individual connections with a sub group of the women. She felt confident this was working and grew closer again to a select few. One was on a weight loss journey with her, so they bonded over that. Another had a child with special needs, an area of specialty for her, and they bonded over that. The other wasn’t as close, but was always amicable and friendly and it didn’t feel one sided.

This continued about another year after her dismissal from the group. Then one of the women she was closer to mentioned that one of the other women in the extended group had gotten engaged. She wasn’t particularly close to this person, infact they actually clashed somewhat, so she wasn’t disappointed to hear the news second hand and was relieved not to be invited to any related celebrations. However during the conversations she expressed some jealousy and resentment, saying she was sad that she still hadn’t found anyone herself. She didn’t think any more of it.

She tried organising a catch up with the other woman she was close to, as she had a present for her son for his birthday. This woman awkwardly gave her a last minute invitation to his party – a group event she clearly wasn’t intended to attend. But she went along anyway, only to discover this woman was visibly pregnant and hadn’t mentioned anything. It was a joint birthday/baby shower, and it started to become clear to her that these women were not her friends.

As her birthday rolled around again, only her original friend reached out and made plans. She was reluctant to discuss the group, although accidentally made reference to another dinner and group trip, and insinuation that gossip had occurred over her jealousy at the news of the engagement. She thought that was said in a safe and confidential space, nor was it said in spite….. It was then that she finally accepted these women were not her friends. She made no comment on her exclusion in the end, because she accepted if they wanted her there they would include her. A confrontation would not change anything. A silent resignation but also a quiet relief.

Reflecting back, she had merely swapped chasing the approval of men, for the approval of women. She was able to see that she had offered services to the group, she was of benefit to them; however she was never one of them. Thinking she had gained acceptance and approval and then having it fade away slowly and painfully felt even worse than never having achieved it at all.

When I asked her what she had taken away from this experience she said “That they were my friends friends, not my own, and if you clash with the clique you get crushed! I think I had it right the first time around, and I’ll stick to your theory of 5 individual friends….” Then the cherry on the top was “And I need to stop chasing approval, and instead follow acceptance where I find it!”

The moral of the story isn’t that all female friend groups are bad, as demonstrated in the story there are many positive and rewarding aspects, but they are also fraught with complicated politics, and conflict tends to be handled as a group. They’re not for everyone and not as good nor as bad as the media tries to tell us. The moral of the story is that you should get to know people as individuals before you befriend them, (one at a time) and you should assess their life and see if they have room for you or if they have too many existing friendships or relationships (group or individual) or even hobbies, work or activities to really meet your needs in meaningful ways. And instead of asking yourself only if you are doing enough or showing up for them in the right ways, make sure you are asking yourself if they are showing up for you too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Clique Critique

At a time when someone I know was feeling low, she reflected that she had spent her life trying to gain the approval of men. She had tried to compete or compare with them professionally, be the object of their desire sexually and be their best mate intimately but platonically. And yet somehow, despite her best efforts, their approval and acceptance continued to be elusive and left her exhausted and not feeling particularly good about herself. As many women often do from time to time, she decided to take a break from men.

During this time she would practise self-care. She would get up early and walk before work, and she would relax at night with an at home facial mask and a nice empowered female movie and those such things. However, when she started doing this she noticed a common theme in these movies. The women in them seemed to all have a strong group of female friends holding them up. As she looked around her own life, she could see some strong female friendships, however they were individuals, not a collective group.

She allowed herself to get caught up in the fantasy of girls nights out with the crew that naturally progressed to a mothers group and beyond. It became a goal of hers to have this kind of support in her life. She reflected on ways to make that happen. Could she bring her individual female friends together as a group? No, they probably wouldn’t all get along, and besides, these friendships were important and intense, she didn’t want to risk diluting the intimacy there. So she scoured over her colleagues for a potential posse, however after a few failed gathering attempts it fizzled because these were people with whom she discussed work. No amount of prodding seemed to take it beyond that level.  Her last remaining idea was to join an existing group.

This idea was by far the most daunting, because cliques have that name for a reason – they are relatively exclusive and generally closed. Existing members have shared bonds for years, which is a difficult connection to penetrate with all that combined history behind them. Alas, undeterred, she felt it was her best and only option. She set her sights on a group of women the wife of her best male friend was part of, and set about trying to get herself a membership.

Having spent her life with a strong focus on males, it dawned on her that she didn’t know much about gaining the approval of women. It wasn’t something she had thought about much before, nor did she expect to find herself in this position. First she joined their book club. As many of them were new mothers, she offered care for their children, which they willingly obliged. She baked healthy snacks and tried hard to remember individual details of their lives to bring up in conversation next time to demonstrate her interest. After a relatively short time, she was accepted in to the group. She wondered why she had never tried this before, she was clearly a natural and women were so much less catty than she had expected….

Soon she found herself on the baby shower invitation list, helping to set things up, and coming laden with food and gifts. Then she was included in a group chat about a group gift for one of their birthdays. Acceptance was sweet. Her social calendar was filling fast and she felt something she hadn’t felt before – popularity. The group chat’s grew, the topics were endless, and the amount of love and support offered to each other was so refreshing. Soon, individual members of the group were reaching out to her for favours, for advice and for catch up’s just the 2 of them. They set up weekly wine and whine nights and girls nights out to dance or watch trashy tv together. For about a year, everything seemed good.

However one thing she hadn’t realised, was how much effort and energy these women were starting to take from her life. She started to feel constantly drained. She could hardly keep up with the latest drama or crisis, and the endless streams of messages made her want to hide from her phone. She found herself not wanting to participate in weekly events, not reading the books, and not engaging online. She liked these women and wanted to continue friendships with them, however wanted to dial down the intensity a little. Slowly, she created some distance. Never mean or impolite, but taking more time to respond, missing more events and offering less favours.

At first the women asked her if she was ok. She tried to explain that she was ok, but her career took up much of her time and she needed to prioritise her professional goals, and that she could not be on her phone all day at work. The women said they all understood. The invitations slowed down and it was a welcome relief, however she couldn’t fight the niggling feeling that something wasn’t right. Her birthday passed and there was no group gift or celebration like the others had done. Only a few of the women acknowledged it at all. She let it go, on the basis that she wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other and as a new member of the group she had to have realistic expectations.

Can you guess what happens next? Tune in next week to find out……

TO BE CONTINUED….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Orbiting Online Only – Do Not Resuscitate?

I have posted a few times now about my online friends and how valuable they have been to me at different times. Even the ways in which our existence has crossed over in very real ways to each other’s lives. Online friendships are real and they are valid. I support and celebrate them. But this post isn’t about them.

My online friends are people I met online and have only ever known in the context of an online friendship. I have never met these people physically in real life. The people I am talking about today are the people that we meet in real life, who become online only friends. Those are generally categorised into a few groups. There is the acquaintances who added you to social media. You don’t really know why, but you went along with it. It’s a little awkward when they like personal posts and you wonder if you really would have shared that information with them personally, however, usually life moves on without much more thought. If you are very uncomfortable you unfriend them and it’s likely neither of you notice.

Then there are the friends from afar. People you had solid relationships with, but moved away or the friendship became distant circumstantially but the love is still there. These are the friends you wish you could see more in real life. The ones you want to share your personal news with and want to share in theirs too. You connect online and it is enough for both parties because you still feel connected. You probably share private messages to give more details and keep in closer personal contact than just a like on a status here and there and a happy birthday post once a year.  These people are friends, who happen to be mostly online at the moment but you hope that will change in the future.

The last group is the awkward group. The people who you started a friendship with, but for whatever reason it seemed to stall. Time between catch up’s got longer, or somebody asked for space. And you end up as online friends only, not even really sure if you are in fact still friends. Even if you have actively fallen out with this person, somehow deleting them online seems difficult.  The online platforms are the only remaining connections, like a life support machine. This article on www.nbcnews.com published on April 13 2019, called “How to cope when a friend breaks up with you” written by Jen Glantz captures the essence of what I mean. The article shares the experience of a woman who has experienced a fri-ending, and here is the quote.

“what was even harder was unfriending her on social media. I knew that I had to, not just because I didn’t want to look at her life without me in it, but because she was still liking things I posted on Facebook and Instagram, as if our friendship was still going strong. Unfriending her online was the right thing to do since she pressed the unfriend button offline.”

(NOTE: Links to the articles on the break up and “orbiting” - the term used to describe this behaviour, are well worth a read!)

It doesn’t really matter which one of you parked the friendship online. It doesn’t have to be a mutual decision. In the best cases, it is, and life moves nicely along. You like each other enough but just didn’t have the spark in person, or enough in common, or your schedules didn’t align or something benign. It isn’t personal and it isn’t even enough of a big deal to discuss. When it isn’t a mutual decision though, the conversation is awkward.

How do you tell someone that you don’t want them in your life, but you do expect them to keep being socially polite in public and keep up on social media in case you change your mind one day and decide to resuscitate the friendship? Especially if they don’t want that? If you are the person who has been parked online against your will, do you still want to keep tabs of your friend and what they are busy doing with everyone else if you are no longer invited to the proverbial party?

Each person has to make their own decision here without knowing the intention of the other. If either of you hold hope that the friendship will revive itself one day, I suppose the best thing to do is to maintain this base level of interaction. A like here, a comment there. Just enough to show you are still around, but not too much that it seems like begging for attention. I can tell you from experience that this is hard to do when you have been parked against your will. Because seeing someone you were once close to getting closer to everyone else and further away from you hurts. And reading their comments and likes on your own posts feels empty when they used to know the details first hand. This period can last for years though, and I assume if you can get through the initial difficulty of acceptance, it may be worth it in the long term.

Because your other option is to refuse to engage. If you don’t want to be on life support, you can be the one to pull the plug. If you feel the person is trying to put you on hold, and you aren’t a phone call, then you can hang up. But there is no way around this. Whatever you do that is outside the wishes of the person who parked you there, whether that is refusing to engage, restricting access, unfollowing or unfriending, or deactivating, you are pulling the plug. You are saying you no longer wish to participate under these terms. You are saying “all or nothing” and it will end in goodbye.

There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you want. You do not have to be parked online. You cannot force someone to continue being your friend the way they once were, but you also don’t have to be forced to participate in ways you find painful. The problem is that this is an emotionally loaded decision. If you disengage to prove a point, that nobody puts baby in a corner, then you may well be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Hopefully you will be able to find ways to directly communicate with your friend about the reasons this has happened if it is upsetting. However if you are the person who made this choice, you might not even really have the words yourself to articulate the shift, or you may just prefer to avoid the issue and basically deny the lack of any real friendship. This is likely. So the person making the ultimate decision is in a very difficult and emotional place.

How long should they wait for you to take them off life support? How much can they tolerate of liking pictures and statuses of how happy you are without their presence? How much of their own lives do they still want to share with you under these circumstances? If they turn off the machine, will you understand they didn’t feel they had a choice? It’s not really fair to park someone online and then put all the responsibility on them if it ends.

Online friendships, and social media platforms can be great for friendships. As we all experienced with the recent pandemic, they can thrive and survive there. They can even be born there. But the dark side is, that it is also where they go to die a slow painful death sometimes too. Often you don’t even realise you are there until you have been there a fair while, and your intuition starts to tell you something isn’t adding up!

Some people cope better with this than others. I suppose it depends on how close the dying friendship was to begin with as to the level of pain and anguish felt at this point. Also the level of desire for it to be what it was rather than what it is. This transition period is always difficult, but seeing it all online and acting as if you’re ok when you aren’t, makes it near impossible.

So I ask you to ask yourself if you are willing to save the friendship? If you are, then enduring this treatment may be the only solution for a while, until it resolves, or until acceptance means it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. If you can’t do that, then maybe you can’t be friends. Not for now anyway.

They may put the online only sign on your door, but the do not resuscitate sign is all your choice. Choose wisely.  Only you know the answer that is right for you, but there may not be second chances. Then again, keeping online connections with people who don’t seem to particularly like you sounds a lot like having haters, and who has time for that?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Closeness Overdose?

Some friendships are naturally closer than others. Some take a while to build up to a close status, whereas others seem to become close almost instantly and some of them never feel as close as you’d hoped they may become. Closeness is more of a feeling than something measurable though, and sometimes we might feel closer to someone than they feel to us. Alternatively they might feel like we are their closest friend, while we don’t think of them as especially close.  Because closeness is hard to measure, there is no standard method of achieving what “feels” close to you, or comparing it to the experience of closeness to others.

Many people I know define closeness as the person who is always there for them when things go wrong. The one who supports them through the big stuff! For me, I am starting to think it might be the people who are always around, for the little stuff, that are the ones I turn to for the big stuff. Sometimes it is a measure of quality time spent together, the more time we spend, the closer we become. For others it is a reflection of who they feel they can talk most openly and unfiltered with that equates to closeness. Shared experience or trauma is another thing that can bring people closer unexpectedly, while smaller things such as sharing the same interests might be the glue that unites other close friends.

I think that is why sometimes we don’t feel as close to someone as they feel to us, because our experiences of what makes us feel close to someone differ. If one person feels closer based on quality time, and another based on support for the big issues for example, this can cause a disconnect. If the second friend only gets in touch with the first one when they have drama, but is otherwise absent, the first friend may never have reached that same feeling of closeness that is generated for them by spending a lot of time together. It isn’t necessarily an issue, this imbalance in feelings of closeness, but it can become an issue.

When you are type one and they are type 2? Or when you were type 1 and they transition suddenly to type 2, but you’re still there like “where’d you go?”

It can become an issue when the person who feels closer starts to have expectations of the other person who feels less close. Say for example Debra feels really close to Fiona, because Fiona supported her through her divorce and was always there for her whenever she needed to talk. Debra thinks of Fiona as her closest friend. Fiona however, while happy to support Debra, didn’t feel like the friendship was reciprocal. She noticed that Debra never asked how she was doing, always just focussed on herself. Now Debra is dating again and she is constantly calling and messaging Fiona with updates. Fiona is happy for Debra, she wants Debra to find happiness, however now that she is recovered from the divorce, Debra has depleted the support Fiona had to offer.  Fiona would like to take some space from Debra to focus on her own life again, however Debra thinks of Fiona as a best friend and is unaware that Fiona is not that interested in every detail of her new exciting dating life.

Fiona receives multiple calls and messages daily from Debra. Debra wants support and advice from what outfit she should wear to what to respond to cryptic messages. She doesn’t realise she is smothering Fiona, however Fiona begins to dread messages from Debra, and starts making excuses about being busy and pulls back. Debra is hurt and confused by Fiona’s withdrawal when she has always been such a good and close friend until now. The issue is that Fiona never really considered Debra a close friend to begin with and Debra hasn’t really met any of Fiona’s criteria that would put her in Fiona’s close friend column. Debra considers Fiona a close friend, and her expectation of this level of support fits in with that description, however for Fiona, Debra is too close for comfort.

Of course this is not the only way 2 friends become too close for comfort. Sometimes they may spend too much time together, until one of them needs a break, or they may share everything until someone takes it a bit too far and realises they don’t know this person as well as they thought. Or sometimes the situation that brought them closer changes and suddenly the level of closeness is uncomfortable, forced or unsustainable.

In some of these situations, the feelings will be mutual and naturally fade back to a less close friendship. Sadly, this is not always the case. Much of the time one party will try to assert boundaries – via words or actions and the other party might be so offended by this that they cut contact.  Sometimes losing the closeness you felt with someone changes the way you view them and leaves you questioning the entire friendship. Take Debra from our example. She would probably feel quite empty as she came to terms with the fact that her and Fiona were no longer close, but also that they had actually never been (reciprocally) as close as she thought. Spending time with Fiona after that might feel painfully empty because going back to being less close than you once felt you were leaves a sense of loss which can override any friendly feelings that are left.

If we find ourselves in a similar situation, we must use it as an opportunity to reflect and not to blame.  What needs of yours was the friendship meeting that made it so close and comforting to you? What needs of your friend’s was being met? Were you giving as much as you were getting? Were you giving what you needed instead of what they needed?

The worst thing about being too close for comfort is that if things cool down, we are left with that awkward feeling of oversharing. Of over trusting. Of wondering which confessions might now be repeated or which behaviours construed negatively? So with that in mind, I advise us all to be more mindful about who gets close in the first place. Your trust of that person may have to outlast the closeness, or even the friendship, and that can be very uncomfortable if you haven’t been discerning enough before getting close.

Closeness should be considered a balancing act. It is fragile.  Closeness should not be taken for granted or assumed. No friendship is immune. Once closeness is gone, it can be really difficult to rebuild, so making sure we protect and nurture it is crucial. It is a slow steady burn. The desire to be close, to feel close, can smother the flames. Closeness shouldn’t consume all your energy and oxygen, or be used to escape yourself. It isn’t the answer to loneliness. Comfortable closeness allows enough room for 2 individuals to delight in each other, not depend on each other.

If you can relate to this post all too well, your desire for closeness could be clouding your judgement on who you get close to in the beginning. Do you want to be close to somebody, or anybody? If it is the latter, you’re at high risk. Try to have a healthy amount of closeness with several people rather than an uncomfortable amount with only one?

Closeness can feel like a drug. The more you have with someone, the happier (higher?) it makes you, and leaves you craving more. But the more you have, the less it works, and the less it works, the more you take. The more you take the higher your chances of overdose! Be warned! The remedy to closeness overdose might be giving as much as you’re taking. So don’t take more than you can give or more than they can offer, or more than either of you can handle! Keep it real. And when the time comes to start weaning yourself off, take what’s left with a side of chill pills too if you can!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I don’t want you to miss me.

You know the way it goes. You get close to someone, and either you have a falling out or just naturally fade away from each other over time. You have some time apart, and after a given length of time one of you will reach out and say “I miss you.” It might be after only a day or 2 if you’re super close and talk daily, or it might be a year or 2. But eventually one of you will tune in to the silence and decide to end it. (Or not! Which totally happens and is an acceptable response, but for the sake of this article, I want to discuss the times when the bridging words are spoken.)

“I miss you.” It feels good to say it sometimes doesn’t it? And it probably feels true. Maybe it is true, what would I know?! People certainly do miss each other if they need to be apart circumstantially, but that’s not the kind of missing I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the kind of I miss you that is said because you don’t quite know what else to say. Hearing the words “I miss you” feels good too doesn’t it? It feels warm. Because people like to feel missed. It makes us feel like we mattered enough, like that other person was thinking about us and wanted us back.

My issue with the sentiment is that missing me was a choice the other person made. (Or a choice I made.)  If there was no reason for us to be missing each other, such as physical proximity, then it isn’t my responsibility to shoulder how you feel about your choice not to engage with me, nor yours to shoulder how I feel about choosing not to engage with you.  We didn’t have to be missing one another, we could have been talking or hanging out the whole time?

I tend to doubt the intent. I mean, do you miss me, really? I don’t think you do. I think maybe you want to hear that I miss you too? I think maybe you’re going through something, and you remember the last time you went through something that I was there for you and you miss having someone there for you? I think that maybe you prioritised the wrong things or people and now it hasn’t worked out you miss what we used to have once upon a time. I think perhaps you’re feeling nostalgic, and had a good memory of me that surprised you – not because you think of me often, but because you don’t. I think you’re probably lonely, or you miss the activities we used to do together or the fun we used to have.

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling any of those things, it’s not wrong and it’s certainly not a crime. We have all felt like we missed someone sometime – whether we have said so or not. I just don’t like it as a bridging sentiment. What you’re feeling is almost certainly about you and you want me to think it is about me? Human nature wants to believe everything is about self, so it is appealing to believe. It feels warm and safe and inviting and it breaks the ice. This much is true.

But what about when people say it, and do nothing about it. When they say they miss you and they are thinking of you, but then when you suggest getting together they’re continually avoidant? If you didn’t really want to engage with me, why say anything at all? Just to check if I am still talking to you…. To make sure I am still an option even if you don’t want to take it up right now? To keep me on the line so to speak, but never reel me in?

Basically when we miss someone, it is because we didn’t, we stopped, or we aren’t prioritising them and we want to acknowledge it. So why not say that instead? Why not say “Hey Glenda, I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I got really busy when I started this job and took up with Bob, and I guess I let our friendship slide. I shouldn’t have done that, I regret it and I hope we can work at patching things up? “ Or “Hey Glenda, I’m not too sure why we haven’t been speaking, I guess we haven’t been putting in the effort into our friendship and I would like to start if you feel the same way?” Or even “Hi Glenda, I know things haven’t been good between us for some time and our last words were unkind. I’d really like to change that because losing our friendship over something petty like that wasn’t worth it and I regret it. I’d like to have you in my life again if you’re open to it.” Or even “Hello Glenda, I have had some hard news recently. I know we haven’t spoken in ages, but I could really use your support right now if you’re open to it?”

What I am saying is, “I miss you” is how you feel. I don’t want to know just how you feel, I want to know what you want to do about it. Feelings pass. Sometimes we act on them too soon, and not everyone you miss needs to be back in your life. Missing each other has been a choice, so what we feel about it isn’t as important as what we do about it? Is it?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is a key to happiness

We are all special and unique individuals, so it probably isn’t fair to say the friendship is THE key to happiness, even if I think it might be. Each person has a unique lock, and only a unique set of keys will open their heart to happiness. However, I think you will find on every set of keys there is one called friendship.

It’s probably wise to have a set of keys anyway, not just one, because we all have those times when it seems everyone else is busy and we need to find other ways to soothe, entertain and enjoy ourselves on our own. That is why we ultimately hold the only master key to the lock, and we should never put it in anyone else’s hands. Nor any one basket or category.

My friends make me happy, but it would be unwise to think that was the only source of happiness. Similarly, if I give my master key to a friend, I then need that friend to be happy. Same if I give it to my husband, my children, my therapist or my family. It is important to keep that key for myself because I am the most consistent person I spend time with and I need to be able to unlock my happiness at any time and in any circumstances.

There have been times when I accidentally gave my master key to someone, and then I struggled to get it back. In extremes it can feel like addiction to a person. Because you can’t unlock happiness without them, suddenly they become far too important and powerful. You might spend hours ruminating over an unread message or cry over cancelled plans, and neither of you quite understand what has happened to make you so needy! You accidentally gave them your key!

It is therefore wise, to really get to know someone slowly before you trust them with your friendship key. Get to know their habits, gain an understanding of their history with people, and understand their beliefs, values and hobbies. Observe how they spend their time before you trust that you will be compatible as friends. Acquaintances are on the entry list, but they haven’t earned a key yet.

Be mindful of intense bonding phases, as these tend to be friendship flings, and don’t mistake emotional intensity and intimacy for compatibility. It is a connection and it is important, but it can also blind your judgement for overall character. As with any relationships, platonic ones will also have a honeymoon phase where everybody is on their best behaviour and as Natalie Lue from baggage reclaim likes to say “People unfold” slowly after that revealing their true selves and the less flattering sides.

Until we spend a solid and consistent amount of time with people, we don’t yet know their communication skills, style, love languages or conflict resolution skills. We don’t yet know if they are avoidant or abusive. What we feel initially is spark, which is important, however instead of a bang, it should be a slow burn.

Let’s not forget you are also revealing yourself and earning one of their friendship keys too. So when someone earns a key, you know in your heart you can trust that this person consistently supports you and leaves you feeling good about yourself and happy and vice versa.

So what happens then if you do give your key to the wrong person and you find out too late and you can’t get your key back? I have good news for you. Chasing them for your key is fruitless, so don’t waste your time. Focus on your other baskets and your other key holders, while you quietly change the master lock behind the scenes and reset those entry keys. Then the person who had your key and wouldn’t return it no longer has power over your happiness and you learn a valuable lesson about the keys to your happiness on the way!

On that note, remember to handle your friends’ key with care too, you use it to unlock happiness with in them, so be mindful of your words and actions and if they are making people happy. And remember to use it because there is nothing sadder than losing a friend because you lost their key!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Fodder

Recently a friend of mine has just come out of a very complicated and long relationship.  Wasting no time, she got herself straight back out there into the dating world, and certainly had her fair share of good and bad stories to share, as her female friends sat around drinking wine and asking for the details over nibbles.

My friend said one of the best things about this phase of life, was this feeling of reconnecting with her female friends and really being “one of the girls.” This is something she hasn’t felt particularly in a long time, having let many of her friendships fade while she was in a long term relationship and finding that her friends grew tired and disinterested in her never ending drama with the complicated ex.

That said, if she needed someone to talk to, there was almost always someone she could turn to about said drama and feel supported, heard and loved, albeit in a less fun way. What she enjoyed about the dating phase was the level of interest shared among her friends and the excitement and intrigue as they “interpreted texts” not to mention silences, and debriefed after dates! Pun intended!!

Sadly, the dates didn’t seem to work out for her and my friend realised she actually wasn’t ready to date. She needed to focus on herself, rediscover who she is and how to fill her time alone so that when she is ready for a partner, it is out of a want to have one and not from some inner place of need. This is all very healthy of course, however she reflected that she was worried how this would impact her friendships?

When I probed a little further, she attributed feeling like one of the girls to sharing in relationship talk, and suddenly she had nothing to add to those conversations. While she could and would listen to their own experiences on the subject, she felt it was unhealthy to surround herself with people who only wanted to talk about the one thing she was actively avoiding in her own life.

I asked her what other subjects they discussed, and she said they did always reflect and share on health issues, work and family stuff, however those topics quickly gave way to talk about love and romance. It wasn’t just that they didn’t really talk about much else, it was that she didn’t feel like there was much more interesting to discuss.

I see her point, we do get quite caught up and distracted in love and romance in friendship fodder, and we could very well be making the people who aren’t dating or in relationships feel excluded. However, it also ties in with what we think is acceptable or interesting to discuss. This particular friend and I like to discuss armchair psychology, however others of her friends are not that interested in such subjects.

Perhaps the issue is that the friends she was spending time with when she was dating are not the right fit for when she isn’t? Or perhaps she should try them on everyday things, like the interaction she had at the supermarket when an item was the wrong price, or the toxic environment brewing in her office. Just because it isn’t as exciting and fun to discuss, doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy her company.

Also, as per last week’s post, she decided to try and expand these friendships past girly talks about sex and dating. They all discovered a love of op shopping and spent a happy Sunday brunching, op shopping and talking fashion at bargain prices. And you know what? It was just as enjoyable! Which was music to my ears.

My friend and I reflected that we do rely too much on the area of romance for friendship fodder, and contemplated ways to combat it. However, we cannot change that the topic is exciting and interesting, it just is. We just need to remember that we don’t need to be dating to be interesting, to be involved or to be one of the girls. When the topic comes up in future, as it inevitably will, it will be my friend’s turn to listen and be the excited gal pal for someone else, until she feels ready to get back out there again.

Meanwhile she is going to explore so many interests, meet so many interesting people and have so many interesting experiences that she will remember that she isn’t boring, and she isn’t bored! Which will also help her when she is ready to date in knowing her value so the next person isn’t complicated! I have my suspicion that she will be living life to the fullest in a way that makes her the most interesting person at the party, not the least!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you the odd one out, or am I?

Humans are social creatures, and somehow instincts always tell us that we must fit in with our peers for safety and survival. In our younger years this meant pressure to wear brand name clothes and smoke cigarettes. By our mid 20’s it meant having some sort of degree or qualification under your belt and by 30 it meant owning a home and getting married. By 35 it meant having kids and a good body with a gym membership, and now as I approach 40 it seems to mean having it all. Being successful, a nice big house, with a cleaner, 2 kids and an au pair, fancy cars and private schools, investment properties and dinner parties with wine instead of bbq’s with beer! It means being a member of a book club, or some other exclusive intellectual affair, and for some it means affairs of a totally different nature with younger models!

But on every stage of the way, I have known someone, sometimes many, who feel they have failed to conform to this imaginary pressure. Some who still lived at home at 30, some who had failed marriages, some who had not found someone and married at all? Some single mothers, some yearning for kids to no avail and some who didn’t even want them. Some who were happily working supermarket jobs, and others unhappily climbing the ladder at their own expense.

At what point do we let go of what society wants for us and ask ourselves what we want for ourselves and embrace our differences instead of apologising for them? My friends who feel they are being left behind tend to be less social, suffer more anxiety and tend to be quieter, sharing less of themselves. When I have talked to them about this, they seem to be suffering major insecurity about everyone else having it all and them being “the odd one out.”

Of course, the way we judge ourselves is always harsher than the way we judge others and I think we should have more open and honest conversations about where we are all really at. Myself, I have a happy life, and seem to have it all, however my life is largely thanks to my family and my husband and I have been very lucky. I do not have the gym body, the house is small and messy, and my car is held together with tape!! Lol We all have areas on the list that we struggle with and might never conform to.

I reflect to these friends that I don’t want a bigger house, it would only mean more mess, and too soon it will be too big again as the children grow to adults. I don’t desire a career, and although I desire a nicer figure, I don’t desire the choices that will get me there and I will always struggle there! Not only does hearing that help my friends to feel better about themselves because all is not as rosy as it seems, it also helps them relate. Relating is key to friendships.

Talking about these so called pressures and expectations, also gives us the opportunity to share with our friends what they have achieved and what we envy about themselves that they have likely not recognised. Like the fact that they did a 6 year intensive degree, or that they have a much nicer car, or that you envy the freedom that not having kids allows them.

Not that it is a competition, and nor should it be. That is what these conversations prove! That we are all along the path somewhere, headed to the same direction but with unique hurdles along the way. The paths we choose and navigate may be different but they will all get us where we are going in the end. It might not look the same, but that is what makes it more interesting, not less.

In our own ways we are all the odd one out, and that is why none of us really are. If your friends are discussing something that is triggering your insecurities, speak up! Give them a chance to include you, share your experiences or lack thereof and how you feel about it to widen the scope of the conversation and allow everyone to be a little more vulnerable and real. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to shine a light on the darkness and you realise you are all more similar than you thought… albeit in different ways. Not only that, you reunite a divided group, and realise we are all human and we all want to relate, in one way or another! That is what friendship is all about!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do we have to know WHAT we like, to know WHO we like?

I have blogged before about not needing things in common to maintain a friendship, and I stand by it. If enough emotional intimacy is present, then usually you don’t have to enjoy the same things to enjoy a friendship. I have plenty of friends with whom I have very little in common in terms of interests and hobbies, yet we love chatting the hours away frequently. Though technically these friendships are unbalanced I suppose, being that we usually don’t do activities together, but just visit each other at home and talk! But it has never mattered to me because I have never wanted to expand them past that particularly.

Maybe that is because I know we don’t enjoy the same things, or maybe it is because I know we are just going to chat the whole time anyway that it is just as easy and inexpensive not to bother. I’m not too sure. However, after we were forcibly locked down recently, I started yearning for my activity friends in ways that were understandable yet somehow unexpected.

My activity friends are ones I enjoy, but talk to less. I like them fine, but for whatever reason, long conversation sometimes feels awkward, stunted or forced. These are the friends I will see movies or shows with, do escape room challenges, bowling or mini golf. We usually steer away from things like dinners because conversation needs to meander and with these particular friends that just feels strained. Sometimes it is because we have different values or opinions on things, or sometimes the person doesn’t open up and share, preferring to stick to more surface level topics that I struggle to engage with, or sometimes it is because the thing one of us really wants to talk about is off limits with that particular friend. It doesn’t really matter why we don’t talk as much, because being fun activity friends works for us both.

Obviously, during lock down it was these friends that I missed, because they weren’t the ones to keep in touch. There were no new gigs or movies or venues to check out. And I realised it wasn’t the activities I missed as much as the friends I enjoy them with. These friends bring joy and laughter. They keep things light and fun and although we might be less emotionally intimate, they still add huge value to my life. Laughter is the best medicine and these were the friends I needed to lift my mood! And they needed me equally.

So this made me ponder if I should be more mindful of trying to find friends with whom I can talk, share and deeply connect, as well as hang out and share activities. If I should take notes on the ways in which they like to spend their time to see if we would be more rounded in our connection. If they are the kinds of people who seem to get a rush from never slowing down, or the ones who love nothing more than slowing down. If they are more indoorsy or outdoorsy?

In pondering these things it made me think more closely about the kinds of things I like doing too, and how different we all are in our interests and hobbies. Not to mention values, and even circumstances. And all of these can play a role in how socially available and compatible 2 people will be for one another. A bird may love a fish….

I have always been happy kind of categorising my friends, as I find it helps me manage my expectations of them. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should be looking for friends that I cannot categorise because we like many of the same things and share many values and speak similar languages. Or maybe that is the ultimate dream, but we are each so unique in these aspects that we need more varied friends to match with us in certain areas and challenge us in others?

Certainly I can say it has been working for me so far, but moving forwards I think I will be more mindful of how my friends spend time when they are not with me as a way to assess compatibility so that I am not left longing for more than they can offer. My friends who are most socially successful perhaps are the ones who know themselves the best and surround themselves with more like-minded people.

I’m not going to say you have to have things in common to be friends, because you don’t. But I am going to say it might help, and knowing yourself and what you like, will definitely help you be attracted to people you might be better suited to.  Because sometimes, liking someone, just isn’t enough. After all, we are all likable to someone but not to everyone. If being likable was enough, we’d all be friends with everyone, and we aren’t, are we?

In answer to my question, I don’t think we have to know what we like to know who we like, but I definitely think it helps!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can you be friends with someone you don’t trust?

Someone asked me for advice recently about a friend with whom she had reconnected after a falling out and a period of silence of 5 years. This is a significant amount of time, so it is fair to say there was a great deal of animosity between the 2 people involved for quite some time. This can be difficult to overcome.

The pair reconnected over a happy event; the birth of a child, and now the person who asked for my advice is heavily involved in this child’s life. This person is fearful that they may fall out again and that they would lose the child as a result, and therefore feels like they are walking on eggshells around the mother, the ex ex-friend!! There’s a mouthful!

The thing is, the mother of the child is still putting the other friend in difficult positions, which was what led to their falling out in the first place. Things like engaging in talking about others, then sharing what was said about them to validate their argument. Which then causes animosity between the other 2 parties. Not to mention breaches of trust for all parties involved. Or being ungrateful for babysitting services of a full weekend because the child was half an hour late home. Or asking for favours at short notice, and expecting if not insisting upon them being honoured.

That’s not to say there isn’t many endearing qualities of the mother of the child or that there isn’t great and enjoyable aspects of their friendship. It’s easy enough to forgive after so much time has passed, however it is not so easy to forget when situations start recreating themselves. The person who reached out to me implied that things will be going really well, then something happens and they are reminded all over again. As a result they are struggling to trust this friend.

In this particular case there are family connections involved too, which might explain why cutting it off again is not considered an appropriate action, reflecting back on the strain it caused everyone the last time, which was before an innocent child was involved. Is it possible to continue the friendship when you don’t trust the other person even if you forgive them?

I think you have to be very cautious and aware. To avoid situations or conversations which make you uncomfortable and learn how to dodge topics or remain neutral as a way to passively refuse to get involved. As long as you are aware that the other person hasn’t really changed, and isn’t likely to, you have to assume responsibility for changing the ways you engage with them.

I doubt you could ever be close again on a personal level with someone you don’t trust, however, you can find other ways to connect and foster the connection for the greater good. Try and see the person in group situations rather than one on one. Don’t share too much about yourself,  keep them focused on themselves. Be careful with any advice you offer (especially advice about other people if that advice is likely to be repeated) and instead focus on asking them how they feel about things and what they think they should do or say.

Try to plan activities that don’t require too much conversation, or steer the conversation back to happy topics like the child or light subjects like the latest music. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this” or “I’m not too sure what to say” if you are pressed. If they lie to you, take what they say with a pinch of salt and verify information if necessary before acting. Don’t lend them anything you want to see again.

Make sure you say no as often as you say yes to requests. That way a yes will be hoped for but not expected. Lead by example. If you want them to be reliable and follow through, you must do the same.
Maintain your distance. You can be friendly, but I would advise against the label “friend” as that will cause inner turmoil and resentment when expectations aren’t met.

In answer to the question I don’t think you can be friends with someone you don’t trust. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. It isn’t fake, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not, but trying to maintain positivity will go a long way. You never know. The trust might return in time. But don’t rush it, let it be what it will be, no pressure. You might not trust them, but if you trust yourself, you should be safe.

NOTE If you don’t trust them not to harm you; if you feel unsafe or at risk in any way, do not proceed. It is ok not to re-engage with unsafe people.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Inconvenient Truths

I have posted about this before, but I think it is important to recap how much convenience plays into friendships. As someone dear to my heart is currently struggling a little with this issue after both herself and her friend moved residence recently.

These 2 people had been close friends for over 20 years, and were always dropping by one another’s houses. They had girls nights in, shopping trips out, lunches and dinners with families and even joined some social groups together. They saw each other through so many changes over the years, that they didn’t expect this change to be any different. Except it is.

Suddenly they no longer live in close proximity, they don’t share the local shops or the local pub anymore and they don’t find themselves “in the area” anywhere near as often as they used to. Their friendship is increasingly happening online or on the phone, “when someone has a minute.”

The problem being that if you don’t consciously make time to communicate, before you know it, you are no longer communicating. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in this situation, nor do I think it will, however, it can be about the small stuff. When we make conscious effort to communicate it is usually about the big stuff. If we have some big news, or our friend has had some, it is expected that these things will still be shared. But what about the small stuff?

So much happens in a month, and sharing those little things can foster more closeness than you would expect. Having a giggle about the time you tripped at the shop, sharing a cup of tea and talking about a stressful day, or talking about an exciting new product you tried last week makes people feel more real and present in your life. Same goes with actually seeing people in person. I think this is because when we are on the phone for example we might also be doing the dishes, letting the dog out or folding the laundry. Which means we aren’t as truly present as we would be if we were sat opposite our friend at a café for example.

So it is pretty easy to start feeling disconnected when someone stops feeling present in your life. When they are still there, but somehow it feels as if they aren’t. When you realise you are no longer the person who knows all the small stuff as it is casually referenced and they don’t know your small stuff either. Being there for each other is a trademark of friendship, but the truth is, it is the people who are always there for the little things that you really want there for the big things. It’s easy to swan in for the celebrations or commiserations, but what grows in the middle is the substance.

What many people in this circumstance struggle to adjust to, is that if you want the friendship to continue blossoming, you actually need to make an effort. Drive the extra 10 minutes to see your friend even if you weren’t really in the area. Make plans with one another instead of relying on the pop in’s that used to be par for the course. Schedule time together, and commit to making it a priority.

What tends to happen though, is that one person seems happy with the shift. They don’t seem to notice the change and seem fairly comfortable with the longer silences. They don’t seem to want to make the effort and it can leave you feeling pretty discarded and wondering if you were more convenient than close?!

Truth is you were probably both. The convenience led to the closeness, helped it develop, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it did develop. The fact that your friend is moving on with their life is a happy thing, even if it sadly comes at your expense. Actually it is a good example of what you should be doing too. When friends move away and move on somewhat, it naturally leaves a bit of a hole in your heart and your life. However no matter what you do, it’s probably never going to be the same as it once was, and it is time for you to reflect that you were glad the convenience fostered that closeness and maybe even see if there is anyone else nearby who could fill some of the gaps now left open?

While it is normal and healthy to be sad and miss your friend, and acceptable to say that you do miss them, you should be careful not to expect enough change that things will go back to how they were. People, things and circumstances change all the time and we must grow with them and accept the new normal. So tell your friend you miss them, but a wise woman once told me not to tell someone if you are upset about something like this, because then you will just have 2 upset people instead of one, and there will be tension in the space growing between you instead of love.

So what’s the verdict? Make more effort, but accept the changes and keep looking for new ways to conveniently connect with new people, no matter what age or stage of life you are.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social Score-keeping - who called who first?!

So many of the people who write in to this blog have a similar complaint – their friends never reach out first, initiate contact or suggest getting together. While their friends are mostly accommodating if they touch base themselves and suggest something, my readers are left with a sour taste in their mouth about always having to go first.

The general consensus is that it leaves my readers feeling undervalued, and as if their friends wouldn’t really care if they weren’t friends. I can totally relate to this feeling, and I am willing to bet quite a few of you are too. It’s not nice to feel like your friends wouldn’t care or even notice if you just dropped out of their lives. Suddenly the weight of your friendship rests solely on your shoulders and you start getting resentful that it is supposed to be a joint commitment.

So I thought I would share my own experiences with this issue, because I have lots of practice with it, and because there can be several reasons why this is happening. None of them are about you, or your friendship, or about you being a good enough friend! Believe it or not, I think your friends would miss you, and they would notice if you suddenly weren’t around, although I wouldn’t recommend testing them.

I am a big believer in matching someone’s level of investment, so if I feel a friend has consistently let the friendship responsibility fall on me, I will pull back on initiating. I won’t stop altogether. We are friends, so I obviously like the person and want to stay friends.  And I have to accept that I have played my part in what has become an unhealthy pattern in the friendship. If I always reach out first, my friend doesn’t think she has to, she knows I will! Or maybe she doesn’t get the chance, because I get in there first?!

The first thing I want to point out is that obviously friendships are pretty important to me, and a priority in my life. It is actually not that common. Most people don’t prioritise friendships and as such, genuinely don’t even think about catching up if I don’t plant that seed. I can’t force them to share my values around friendship, I have to just accept that while they enjoy my company, they don’t share the same level of social need that I do. It isn’t personal, even if they are constantly making time for someone else and not me. Chances are it is also that other friend who is pursuing that time with them too.  So if I am the one wanting to chat or spend time, it should be me who reaches out, right?!

However, as I said, I will pull back and reach out to different people if it gets too heavy, and it’s a feeling I can’t ignore. 9 times out of 10, the friend in question will actually reach out…. Eventually. Not as soon as I would have, and certainly not as soon as I would have liked, but they will reach out. Sometimes that alone is enough for me to feel reassured that I was wrong and they do care. Other times, it is enough for them to realise that they need to actually initiate sometimes, because they never really noticed before that it was always me. Why would they?

Another reason a friend may not initiate is anxiety. A few of my friends are so worried about being bothersome, that it cripples them from reaching out at all. It’s sad that they feel this way, and I really hope I am not doing something that exacerbates this feeling, like not responding to messages in a timely manner or being too short with them or rushed when we do speak. They assure me that isn’t the case but they worry about things like messaging or calling at an inconvenient time, interrupting or annoying me. They worry about asking for time because everyone is so busy and they don’t want to be a burden; just another thing to do on a long list. They worry about suggesting the wrong activity or being excited about something in case I feel pressured. They basically are trying to put themselves totally aside to be as accommodating as possible. They also like to know they are missed, and valued and that I will reach out. I do care. Then when I do they know it is because I wanted to and not because they asked.

Which brings me to my next point. I have friends who do initiate, frequently, and to be honest it isn’t always the most convenient!! One pro about being the initiator is that I can plan myself and my life around my other things and other people. If I know I can’t do Saturday, for example, because it is my dad’s birthday lunch, I won’t suggest it. However it does feel a bit frustrating when someone else tries to initiate and you can’t find a time that works for both of you. You feel like you are the one being difficult even though their schedule is also not working with yours! My schedule is so opposite most peoples. I don’t work so I am mostly available during the day when they aren’t. My husband works most weekends so I am available then but most of my friends’ partners will be home and spending couple or family time then. My husband works 12 hour shifts and comes home at 7pm and that is when I turn the phone down and spend time with him, whereas many of my friends have just put the kids to bed and sat down. That is when they can talk. So it is frustrating navigating the calls and messages I get in the evenings when I am meant to be spending quality time with him. Although my friends are understanding of this, and are happy to wait for my reply until morning, I still sometimes feel torn about receiving the messages when I am unavailable and would prefer to get them when I am, obviously.

I have a friend who always calls. I almost never call her or initiate talking. She is a very busy woman and I know she doesn’t have the time. So she calls when she can and I make the effort to answer when I can and enjoy the effort and the chats even if it is always when she is driving. That is when she has time and I am pleased she thinks to call. However this same friend never initiates plans. If I want to see her or do anything, she will leave that up to me to arrange. She’s the type likely to call at 8pm and ask for my time on a whim. But if I am already in my pyjamas and cosy with hubby, I am unlikely to be up for anything. So because I prefer to plan and she doesn’t, she lets me plan things. It works.  We each have our roles.

The reason it works is because neither of us is score keeping. She isn’t upset I never call, she’s glad she can get to it when she has time, and I am not upset she never suggests plans, because as a planner I can suggest dates and times that work for me and she’ll usually be free because she isn’t a planner. Score keeping is basically deciding your friends don’t like you and care about you and value time together, then collecting evidence to support your theory.

They say you can find evidence to support anything and everything if you look hard enough, so why would you look for negatives in what is meant to be a positive? Look for evidence that they do like and value you, and you’ll find it. You’ll feel much better about it too!! It doesn’t matter who called who as long as you enjoyed the interaction, if you want to call a friend, call them! You’ll feel better than sitting around wishing they would call you and feeling resentful about it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Play Dates Between Pals With Different Parenting Styles

Most of the time we don’t co-parent with friends, so parenting shouldn’t be an issue, should it? Yet that hasn’t been true in my experience or that of any other mother I know! Different parenting styles definitely do impact our time together with each other and often leave everyone questioning themselves.

So, if we don’t co-parent, then why does it matter? You’d be surprised how often this creeps up actually. Let’s take this virus as an example to start. Some parents withdrew their kids from school immediately. They ceased play dates and were shocked and annoyed that people around them had not done the same. Other parents thought they were being extreme. They left their kids in schools until official advice told them to do otherwise. Some will be sending them back the minute they get the go ahead and some will be holding them home until such times that a cure or vaccine is found.

Moving away from that example, some parents let their kids have fast food and cola for lunch on a play date and others always pack a healthy lunch and bring it along for their kids. Some let their kids stay up later with no strict guidelines on bedtimes and others have a regimented routine for their kids. Some allow screen time and don’t worry too much about it while others allow only a very small supervised window.

This isn’t a parenting blog. I don’t believe there is any one way that is better overall, do whatever works for your family as long as you have healthy happy and loved kids, then we should all mind our business. Which sounds like simple advice in theory, doesn’t it? But it isn’t always as easy as it sounds in practise. Because sometimes other people’s parenting impacts you.

Say you take your kids to the park with another mum. She has packed veggie sticks, fruit, yoghurt and plain popcorn with water. Then yours pull out chips, chocolates, cakes and biscuits, with juice boxes. You automatically feel like a bad parent for packing such rubbish. You assume she is judging you. She probably is. But let’s look at why? She is probably being hard on herself for being too uptight and now she’s stressed because her kids are whinging and asking why they don’t get treats. Stress is not what either of you were hoping for. In fact it was what you were both trying to avoid. Each of you now feels you have to justify your choice to the other.  TIP To avoid this situation if you don’t know your friend’s style yet, bring a variety of options with enough for her children to share too, so none of the kids complain “it’s not fair… and be willing to compromise. Let the kids have a juice, or tell them they cannot have the chips today, or whatever it is. Work together to keep everyone comfortable)

What we need to understand is that our parenting is a combination of unique experiences, relationships, self esteem circumstances and values. As a parent of an Autistic child my family needs structure, but perhaps a family with an anxious child prohibits that structure. I was taught to save, so tend to be frugal, but some of my friends seem to pick out the most expensive activities possible when they suggest something! Lol But most of the time our judgments come from our own insecurities.

We MUST stop comparing ourselves, negatively or positively because we really don’t know someone else’s situation. We don’t live their life, we don’t feel their feelings or have capacity to understand their decisions. What we do know is that there is no one size fits all solution. When you feel judged the most judgement isn’t coming from your friends, it is usually coming from yourself. Envying her choices and berating yourself for not trying harder.

If there is one thing I have learned from parenting and watching my friends parenting alongside me it is that this is HARD. That we are literally all doing the best we can. That we all cope differently. And that the one thing we ALL need is validation and acceptance. Not that we are doing it better, but that we are doing it well enough.  That we aren’t failing.

Friendship is a mechanism of support. If that means compromising on where you take the kids with your friends and feeding them a little differently for one day because someone has an allergy or has decided their family is going vegan, then so be it. What really matters is that you stop and say to your friend “You are a great parent. You are doing a good job. This is HARD, I support you and I love you and your family.” It isn’t a competition. We are NOT co-parenting, so it doesn’t matter how we each do it, only that we never give up trying and that we help instead of hinder one another.

To all my friends, you are good parents. You are enough. I know you get up every day and give it all you’ve got. I have watched special moments happen between each of you and your kids. I have envied you, and learned from you and leaned on you. I love you and your kids. They are amazing little versions of you growing into their own in ways I am proud to watch. Thank you for your ongoing support. I couldn’t do it without you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sisterhood of Female Friendships

Reflecting about friendships in a conversation with my mother a few months back, she pondered the question “do we place higher value on friendships because we didn’t have a sister?” My mum had 2 brothers and I had one. It may not be a coincidence that many of my closest friends are also the only girls, having varying amounts of brothers.

This isn’t something I had really noticed until my mother pointed it out. I also have a really small family unit here in Australia, being my brother and my parents. Both my brother and I have married and had children, however my husband’s family in Australia is even smaller than my own. This is not a bad thing. I think I would have been overwhelmed with a big close knit extended family.

That said, many of my friends do have that. They have grandparents and second cousins and aunts and so do their partners where applicable. So much of their time is dedicated to spending time with family. When they need someone to talk to or something to do, they turn inwards. After all they are always welcome with family, no invitation or particular effort is required and they will include you at short notice.

That is not something I have known. I have learned to turn to friends for these things. While my mother is indeed my friend these days, when they go back to the UK to visit their family for example, I must look elsewhere for support and inclusion. It took me a good many years to spend time on my own in a way that was valuable to me and not dreaded or suffered through. While I think this skill is particularly valuable (especially in recent COVID-19 times) it’s not one many other people have been forced to possess. The odd moments they get alone may be treasured because they get so few. Whereas for me the odd moments of connection are equally valuable for the same reasons.

While I am now happy to be on my own, I still like to go out and socialise. When I do that, it seems only natural to turn to my friends. However they can be hard to pin down because they are always busy with many family events. This reality has often escaped me and I have just felt sad that my friends don’t seem to prioritise time together. The truth is, they just have different circumstances than I do, and different priorities.

As much as I love my brother and consider him a close friend and confidante, I cannot escape that I so enjoy social time with other women. Our interests in hobbies, and also in conversational topics  makes time together a pleasure. And although I recognise growing up with same gendered siblings is often fraught with competition, in adult years I see those relationships blossom into close lifelong friendships.

Perhaps, on some level, this commitment, this friendship that is always on a deeper level is what I have been yearning for and trying to achieve. Or maybe it is what I have been subconsciously expecting, which is leaving me feeling I have fallen short in some way? When in reality it isn’t reasonable to expect the same level of interest or priority one gives family. On reflection the friendships I do form, which are intense and intimate, are the next best thing?

As I said, it is probably no coincidence I have found women also seeking a makeshift sisterhood. Women open to bonding with me in profound and meaningful ways, and coming together to support each other with a depth of love quite close to that of family. And I think it is time to accept that close enough is good enough. To accept that they value our friendship to the highest of their ability and expectation based on their values and circumstances. That when they don’t make time for our friendship it isn’t a reflection of myself, but of themselves and their lives. That they have familial obligations that I simply cannot comprehend as I have never been a part of a big family unit with endless demands for time.

And when I look at it that way, perhaps the time they make for me is more special, not less special, because they don’t need me to fill the gaps in their time, to go out and have fun, for support or advice. They just want to. They choose me. And maybe in some ways that is better than some familial obligation.

Pros and cons to each. I’ll probably never know to really compare (unless one of my parents has a secret child I am unaware of!) and I should not compare anyway. The sisterhoods I am a part of bring me so much happiness. Thank you for being the closest I’ll ever get. Your friendship is enough.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Chinese zodiac signs friendship compatibility

Every time we turn on the news these days, there’s a subtle message being pumped at us from our screens - that this virus is taking over the world and we should be scared of everything we touch or go near. Plus, we’re never too far away from pointing the finger at where it all began - China! Not to mention the other political and racial unrest the world is currently facing. This week, in solidarity, as we’re all about to be freed from our social isolation, and we leave the comfort of our homes with our stashes of doomsday food (and if you’re lucky a pyramid of toilet paper) I wanted to write something light-hearted and fun about cultural astrology because hey, we all need a little fun escape sometimes - believers and skeptics alike! So now you can socialise again, with whom should you do so? Once you have refreshed your memory on which star signs you’re most compatible with here, you might want to know which year group is best for you too!

Year of the Rat (1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020)

IMAGES: https://publicdomainvectors.org/en/chinese-zodiac-clipart-free

People born in the year of the Rat, are known to be capable, opportunistic, resourceful and versatile.  They know what they want and how to get it. They are considered genuinely kind people, however are also quick witted and may have a sharp tongue.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox, the Dragon and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Horse.

Year of the Ox (1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021)

People born in the year of the Ox, are considered to be diligent and determined. They are known for their strength of character, and firm dependable nature.  They are practical and analytical friends and will offer feedback, asked for or not!
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Monkey and the Rooster.
FRENEMIES: the Goat

Year of the Tiger  (1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022)

People born in the year of the Tiger, are thought to be brave, and confident. They are also however, quite competitive and aggressive (or at extremes violent) in nature. More down to earth, they have little patience or understanding for dreamers, preferring more practical adventures. Despite this, they can struggle with impulse control.
BEST FRIENDS: the Dragon, the Horse and the Pig
 FRENEMIES: the Monkey

Year of the Rabbit (1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023)

People born in the year of the Rabbit, are generally quiet individuals, with a responsible disposition. They are kind souls however because they are quite elegant, can sometimes come off as snobbish. This is because they are smart and self assured, not to mention capable and social chameleons of sorts, but can struggle to prioritise things in their life including friendships. They are open strategists always looking to move upwards and onwards and tend to be more professionally than personally motivated.  
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Goat, the Monkey, The Dog and the Pig.  
FRENEMIES: the Rooster.

Year of the Dragon  (1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024)

People born in the year of the Dragon, are the most intelligent and are particularly self-assured. They possess confidence and approach life with enthusiasm. The dragon is trustworthy and trusting, sometimes too trusting, and particularly stubborn.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Tiger and the Snake.
FRENEMIES: the Dog

Year of the Snake (1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025)

People born in the year of the Snake, are the some of the wisest people. They possess emotional intelligence and draw people in with their enigmatic nature. These friends are tactful and self-possessed, yet persistent when they need to be. They don’t give up easily.
BEST FRIENDS: the Dragon and the Rooster.
FRENEMIES: the Pig

Year of the Horse  (1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026)

People born in the year of the Horse, are animated and energetic. They are active mentally and physically and easily restless and impatient. They are sometimes considered wanderers as they don’t stick at anything for too long, but this is because they like to have goals to work towards and are naturally forward thinkers and planners.
BEST FRIENDS: the Goat and the Tiger.
FRENEMIES: the Rat

Year of the Goat  (1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027)

People born in the year of the Goat, are gentle modest  souls. Real nurturers they are calm and deeply sympathetic, also known to be sensitive. On the downside the goat can be gullible, a follower and temperamental at best. The most modest of the signs, they help friends in a supportive role, but friends need to equally support and encourage them to remember themselves as self-worth and esteem can be prominent issues.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rabbit, the Horse and the Pig.
FRENEMIES: the Ox

Year of the Monkey (1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028)

People born in the year of the Monkey, are cheeky, sharp and curious. Don’t underestimate them by their playful nature though, as they are smarter than you think and consider themselves problem solvers. They can also be quite cunning and they know this as they are also very self-aware.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Tiger

Year of the Rooster (1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029)

People born in the year of the Rooster, are courageous and hardworking. They are the most observant of the signs however, and use this talent to consider actions closely. (Both their own and those of others)  They are eccentric yet sincere friends, prone to over-thinking.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox and the Snake.
FRENEMIES: the Rabbit

Year of the Dog  (1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030)

People born in the year of the Dog, are the most emotional and prudently loyal friends. They will always be honest, and can at times be brutal with that honesty. Don’t worry though, their bark is worse than their bite! They are determined yet serene. They are sociable, friendly and well liked, however prefer to have one or 2 close friends than a group.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: The Dragon

Year of the Pig  (1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031)

People born in the year of the Pig, are generous and compassionate. They possess a diligence lacking in many other signs which makes them persistent friends. They are powerful, and supportive friends when they find the time to be, however thrive in more practical or professional fields than personal relationships as they charge their way forward in life.
BEST FRIENDS: the Goat, the Tiger and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Snake

How does this weigh up for you? Is your best friend compatible, or did you marry a frenemy like I did? Lol

This gives you some insight into who you’re compatible with based on what year you were both born. If you want to be even more specific and add months to the list too, check out my other astrology based post “Is your friendship written in the stars”

OR

If you want to know why your frenemy is a frenemy, head to:

6 Chinese Zodiac Signs That Are The Least Compatible written by Lauren Schumacker on 24 July 2018 on Romper.com

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

SOURCES: https://www.chinahighlights.com/travelguide/chinese-zodiac/
https://www.thechinesezodiac.org/the-chinese-zodiac-the-four-large-groups-of-friendship/

How Different Friends Have All Reacted Differently To The Pandemic Panic.

To say I was surprised by the pandemic is an understatement. I was planning to cruise, of all things, this April. I am not one to normally read the news or discuss worldly events…. But my friend who does was trying gravely to get me to accept the seriousness of the situation. By the time it hit me that this could indeed be something to be concerned about, cruises were cancelled, and schools were not far behind.

Even after cruises were cancelled, I was still planning to travel interstate. We had flights booked and no refunds were being offered, so I figured we could still go and enjoy the theme parks. Except then they were closed. I resisted home schooling. The high school had emailed saying they expected us to run the kids’ timetable at home. My son has special needs which meant I would need to sit with him and teach him fulltime. And also somehow navigate my daughter’s learning. It was too overwhelming to contemplate.

Then I did start watching the news and, did a grocery shop, pulled the kids out of school and activities and started hunkering down. I can hardly remember the last time I left the house. I started leaning in and taking this seriously. I had to learn the school online system and print a million different things. I organised them all and set both my kids on my son’s timetable, making sure they each had enough tasks for the hours and using recess and lunch to do dishes and wash clothes. I read books and watched trashy TV and tried to keep my family safe.

I haven’t seen my parents, or my friends, for any reason. My husband is at high risk and so are my parents. My son is at educational risk. I have to do what I have to do. I was clear with my friends that we were self isolating and I wouldn’t be around. Yet I still had people asking me to hang out, babysit and celebrate with them – in person. These requests made me uncomfortable for 2 reasons. 1 because I am a people pleaser and I feel I have to justify saying no and letting people down, and 2 because I didn’t want to be judged for “over-reacting” or for my friends to feel I was judging them for not reacting the same as I am.

While my friends were obviously disappointed, they respected my choice – some better than others. But I do think many of them felt judged by me. Was I judging them? Maybe I was? I certainly didn’t believe we should all be out flouting the rules, which had been increasingly clear. Stay home. So maybe I was judging them? Someone posted a thing on social media that indicated those feelings were stemming from a place of fear not growth or compassion.

3 different friends reached out to me to tell me they were having a hard time with social isolation. One living alone, one a single mother and one who’s partner was FIFO and meant to be away for a month at a time. And I had to reflect that I had leaned into social isolation so much that it had given me structure. It was a coping mechanism and I was lucky to have it. Not all schools were as thorough with their expectations or provisions of work and some parents trying to work from home couldn’t keep up with the work that was provided.

Some people had no choice but to lean on others for childcare and some of them still had to turn to elderly parents despite the risk. Some people had nobody to care for, talk to or nothing to do at all. In short, while I had found my coping mechanism, they were not coping at all. And just because I was didn’t put me in a position to be judging them.  I might not be on the same page as them, but nor was I in the same book. Their story was their own and although I couldn’t be there with them, I still had to find ways to be there for them.

My own coping mechanism meant I was busier than I had ever been, which had the downside of meaning I was less available to chat. So I made a promise to myself that each day I would make the effort to reach out to a friend, check in and see how she was doing – not what she was doing or with whom.

I hear more from friends I don’t usually speak to much and less from friends I used to speak to more regularly. Some have been withdrawn and leaning into themselves and some have been reaching out more to feel connected. I respect and understand both. How I have reacted has surprised me so how can I have expectations of how others should react.  When I look at it through the lens of compassion and consideration I know we are all doing our best and doing what we need to do to get by.  And at the end of the day, as my Grandfather liked to say “I only have to sleep with my own conscience each night.” There is no “one size fits all” solution and there is no right or wrong reaction.

We have to get through this alone. But we have to do it together. We cannot let it divide us. I am not right, just different.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When opposites attract

Sometimes introverts are drawn to extroverts, athletes are drawn to beauty queens or intellectuals are drawn to people with more street smarts than book smarts. It appears to be the way of the world that attraction to people can stem from things we feel we are lacking in ourselves. This extends into most areas of our lives beyond the romantic realm, and definitely within friendships.

In the media there will often be an outrageous, loud social character, but inevitably the bestie is the awkward, shy sensible nerd, or vice versa. These fictional depictions aim to demonstrate how different personality types bounce off each other and balance one another out.  Which is often true, if a little far-fetched.

In these types of pairings in the media, however, the characters always seem to be willing to step out of their comfort zone for each other. The introvert attends parties, while the extrovert gets a little more serious. The athlete gets a makeover and the beauty queen takes an interest in sports. The intellectual learns some quirky life skills while the street smarts picks up a book. It’s a nice idea, and relatable, but not always reality. These types of media are, after all, selling us a dream.

More often than not, if you’re a really active person, and your closest friend happens to be a couch potato, the chances of either one of those things changing are slim to none. “A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?” One of the most important things I find in developing friendships is spending time together, in person. Finding ways to achieve that, and include fun, memory making activities, and also time for vulnerability and connecting on emotional levels can become challenging if you don’t enjoy the same sorts of activities.

Say for example you love the beach and zip lining, and hiking, and I like day spas and cocktails by the pool, then we’re probably not really suitable travel companions, even if we are great friends. But how can we find ways to still enjoy each other’s company day to day when the ways we enjoy spending time are so different?

I have a friend who I am sure has undiagnosed ADHD. She literally never stops. She thrives on being busy and is always multitasking. From talking on the phone in the car, to working while cooking dinner, and working out while watching TV. It’s not just her body that she cannot still, it appears to be her mind. I admit it stresses me out! Even if we go to the movies, she will be messaging someone on her phone and playing games on it all at once. I am a slower paced person. I love zoning out at the movies, or having an in depth conversation on the couch.

To spend time with her in ways that I find enjoyable and engaging, which still meet her needs for movement and mental stimulation, I find it useful to ask her to cook for me, for example. It meets her need to be “doing something” while we chat, and I will wait until she sits down to eat before I talk about anything particularly important that needs her attention. After dinner, instead of watching something and sitting on the couch, we might play a board game. Admittedly she is more interested in the games than I am, but this allows her to give me the quality time and conversation I need while her needs are also being met.

If you are indoorsy but your friend is outdoorsy, you could still do a picnic – we all need to eat?! Or if you are not adventurous and she is, you can go to the parks and take pictures of her on all the rides, making sure that she compromises and spends some time with you in the hot tubs too? If you are active and she likes to relax, go for a strenuous workout the day before you book a massage together.

We can’t ask or expect our friends to change who they are to be more like us, nor can we change ourselves to be more like them. What we can do is really observe our friends and what they enjoy, what their needs appear to be, and suggest things that might be enjoyable for you both. And when all else fails, we all need to eat, right?!

How do you spend time with your friends who are pretty different from you?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Pros and Cons of Long Distance Friendships

PRO: You learn about other places and cultures

During this COVID-19 Pandemic, it has been especially interesting to hear from my friend in America and how things are affected over there. Before all this she has sent me care packages with all their favourite yummy treats! Drools! She also helped me purchase something online you needed a USA address for. So many pro’s of her living on the other side of the world!

CON: You miss giving them a hug when one of you needs it.

My friend and I share so much. We are always engaged in an endless conversation about our lives, and sometimes it is easier to share our struggles with each other, because of the distance. However I can’t tell you how many times we have said we wished we were closer in distance so we could give each other a big comforting hug when either of us needs one!

PRO: You don’t have to get dressed up to see them.

My friend and I keep in touch mostly by written means, emails, texts and instant messages. It gives us the chance to catch each other up in our own time and really consider what we want to say. There is never a time limit, I don’t have to rush to be on time, dress up and spend money to catch up with her. Because of the time differences I am usually in bed in my pyjamas when we message. A whole new meaning to the term “pillow talk!”

CON: Time differences are a bitch and you might miss some of the special events you’d love to get dressed up for.

Of course the time differences mean if I am having a lunch time dilemma, it is midnight there and my friend is unlikely to even be aware of my message until hours later. Plus she would be totally worth getting dressed up for. I’d love to celebrate her birthday or go to her wedding vow renewal…..

PRO: Great excuse to travel!

I guess some of these big life events, births, deaths, weddings and funerals are great excuses to go and travel. I’d love nothing more than to surprise her with my presence one of these days, and I will one day, but America is quite the trek from Australia.

CON: Travel is expensive and you only have so many holidays a year, which means you might not see them as often as you’d like.

Not only is it a long plane ride from Australia to America, it’s very expensive. So while I do plan to visit America one of these days, it might be a once in a lifetime trip. As much as we sometimes wish we were neighbours, my presence in her life will always be from a distance. But at least when I am there it will be extra special and meaningful.

PRO: You have to be conscious of making time to keep in touch!

My American friend reminds me that friendships don’t just happen. We get busy, and because we aren’t in one another’s immediate social circle, we have to remember about our friendship and make the extra effort to write to each other and keep in touch. It is so rewarding that it makes me reflect on how strong our friendships are when we consciously put in effort even when things get busy.

CON: It can feel as if you’re on the sidelines watching their life instead of participating!

Sometimes it can be hard though, that because of the distance we can’t really be there for each other in the ways that local friends can be. Although we are always reporting back to each other regularly, sometimes it feels like you know all their people so well that you wish you were right there with them all. It’s hard to make memories with someone you never see. But at least we can share and preserve memories with each other!

PRO: Love know no bounds!

I love my long distance friends, and I’m so glad to have them. Our conversations bring us closer and foster just as much intimacy as some of my local ones. As much as I value my face to face time with friends, with enough effort and consistency, sometimes I forget these friends aren’t really there, because it feels like they are! You’ll notice there are more pro’s than con’s on this list, because a healthy friendship is always a pro despite it’s limitations!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What does "best friends" mean to you? (And does it mean the same thing to your bestie?)

It is important to know, before you enter a best friendship, what the word best friends means to you, practically, and what it means to your friend too! While the term best friends makes me somewhat uncomfortable, I support the premise of best friendships. I believe the concept often outlives the people in it. That we have someone or a maybe even few select friends to whom we feel closest at any one time, however those people change over the years.

Maybe those people change over the years because our definitions or expectations of a best friend were never the same to begin with? Most people I know tend to think of best friendships as a lifelong commitment, so straight off the bat my expectation that the friendship may cease to look, feel or be defined in the same capacity, is at odds with people’s expectations. Of course I used to think of it the same way as them, however have learned that is not healthy for me through experience, and found it helpful to manage my expectations and perceptions around the concept. Let’s explore that.

For some, the title “best” implies a hierarchy, a priority and an exclusivity between 2 friends. You cannot therefore, by that description have more than one. A person with this belief system may indeed feel slighted to learn you have someone else with whom you feel equally close. For others they may hold the expectation that a best friend should always be supportive and positive, while their friend feels strongly that a dose of harsh truth is the measure of true friendship.  Or while one person may hold the belief that a partner always supersedes a friendship, the other may hold the opposite expectation.

While these expectations may lie dormant when things are going smoothly, they can easily cause the friendships to weaken when circumstances change. This can leave us dumbfounded and shell shocked, questioning our entire friendship as a result. The real issues probably don’t lie in each other, or our friendship, but more so in the mismatched beliefs in our values and expectations around this issue.

This can be a tricky thing to navigate. One of the most common problems is that we tend to assume that people will respond to us in similar ways that we would respond to them, so it never occurs to us to discuss how we need our friends to show up for us.  Even when a friend does communicate what they want, need and expect from us it can be difficult to communicate if we do not share a similar vision.

One friend may like to communicate daily, whereas the other friend may feel this is unnecessary and become quickly irritated by the constant intrusion. Or one friend may expect that the other will include and welcome their partner into their friendship while the other expects that the friendship will continue as it is with just the 2 of them involved. These things tend to cause friendships to fracture, in a similar way that a relationship can fracture when you eventually discover that only one of you wants children.

Luckily very few of the issues we are facing as friends are quite as non-negotiable or difficult to compromise on as that, however, the fact remains that these are conversations we should be having consistently throughout our friendships to stay on the same page, and issues should be addressed as they present and not left until it is too late. Friendships are still a vehicle that need to be driven with care to maintain that they stay on the right road to an agreed destination.

Before you call someone a best friend, you should have known them for a long while, long enough to witness their patterns and history with others. To really weigh up their character and see if your values align. Next, you should ask them what they expect of a best friend, how often they expect to communicate, how much time and attention they have for friends when they are partnered, and what their love languages are in friendships. Lastly you should ask them their visions for the future, how they picture their lives and see how it compares with how you see your own.

As someone who values friendship, for example, I expect to still see friends outside of my marriage, separate to my partner and I need regular quality alone time with friends to really feel connected and like they are showing up for me. That means as much as I may like and have things in common with someone, if they foresee their future including an enmeshed relationship where they only socialise as a couple, that is not a good match for me long term because even if it meets my needs right now, it probably won’t, forever. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, only that I need to keep my expectations in check in the future and my investment at a level I can maintain when their future eventuates. Similarly, if someone is weighing me up for best friendship, they need to be aware that I like face time pretty regularly, so if they know that they’re probably too busy to meet that need of mine, they shouldn’t get too close.

Of course, we cannot always help who we click with, and sometimes it’s not with someone who is as compatible long term as we would have hoped. In which case, all we can do is compromise, and offer our best selves and hope it is enough. Be mature, accommodating and forgiving. The reason best friends makes me uncomfortable these days is because it feels unrealistic not to mention too much pressure to place on one person to be all things, and meet all your long term needs. If your best friend is someone who’s future or values don’t quite match you own, I’d suggest not putting all your eggs in their basket, and being open to very difficult vulnerable conversations whereby you expect to compromise as much as your friend, for the good of your friendship.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Reasons Your Mother Is Probably The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have

1. She will always love you more than anyone else.

2. She will always forgive you.

3. She always knows just what to say or do to make you feel better.

4. She will never walk away from you.

5. She is always there for you.

6. She is irreplaceable!

7. She never forgets your birthday!

8. She knows you better than you know yourself.

She dreamed you into life and she knew you before you were born!

9. She is your biggest cheerleader, genuinely invested in your happiness and success.

10. You’re more similar than you like to think. We all turn into our mothers after all!

Happy Mother’s Day to my most missed Friend during this time of social isolation. This post is for you Mumma. (Hint, the post also works if you read it as Ten Reasons Why Your Daughter Is Probably The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have!) Love you

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx