“In order to have friends you must first be one.” Ebert Hubbard, Philosopher.
Along the course of my life I have gained and lost a fair few friends. More and more I begin to realise that this is not unique or uncommon. So I guess I am not as special, or even as ‘unspecial’, as I thought! At times, these broken friendships ended mutually, quietly, slowly and naturally; usually because neither person had the energy or interest in putting in the time and effort it takes to be a good friend…. And neither one cared enough to even make a fuss over it. It’s entirely plausible that you didn’t even notice it had ended and nor did they. I have definitely experienced this from both sides. Honestly. Note to self - new blog post topic. Other times these friendships came to a more abrupt or unequal ending, with one person or the other declaring it over. Essentially though, the reasons remain the same I suppose. One person wasn’t being a good friend. More likely neither of them were.
So what does it take to be a good friend? When I look at my friends, and take stock of what I value in each one, I notice that each of them offers me something I value, something that makes my time with them enjoyable enough that I seek it out on a fairly regular basis, and I hope, vice versa. Time. That is the most common indicator of a healthy friendship. What motivates us to put in the effort to make time for our friends? I think it is related to how special, valued, loved and important they make us feel. How we feel about someone and how they make us feel about ourselves is closely linked. This is dependant entirely on how we communicate with them. LETS break that down, shall we?
Listening
Effort (and empathy!)
Time
Sharing (and sympathising)
Listening. Friendship is in the details. What tends to differentiate a friend from an acquaintance, aside from time given to the friendship, is the amount of detail in which we disclose personal information, and how much we remember about theirs. An acquaintance does not expect you to remember their birthday, and similarly, you do not get upset when they ask you what your dog’s name is, for the hundredth time. There is no expectation on either of you to know the details, even if it is slightly frustrating because your dog’s name is Pig! Come on now - It’s hilarious and points at your brilliance and witty nature. How can they forget?!!
Some people are natural talkers and other natural listeners, but we need to hone both skills to make a really good friend. Sometimes in conversation we are so busy planning the next hilarious thing we are going to say, or preoccupied with trying to find a way to steer the conversation where we want it to go (or away from where we don’t want it to go) that we don’t even really notice we aren’t listening to what our friend is saying. We all get stressed, and have things weighing on us occasionally that might stop us from really being able to hear what a friend is sharing with us, but this should not be a pattern for you. We have all been chatting with someone at one point or another, trying to find the words to communicate something important to us, when suddenly the communication is railroaded by the latest news from said friend. It doesn’t feel great. (Especially when what you were trying to share was significant and her news was seemingly more trivial, like the latest tweet from her celebrity crush, which was clearly directed at her, right? Don’t you think? Let’s plan the wedding! Rolls eyes.) If a friend feels like you can’t listen, care about her problems and empathise, celebrate her successes and stop talking about yourself long enough to breathe, chances are you will be met by a wall of distance.
As one of my close friends described this situation to me about another of her friends she said: “I had to put some distance there. She never asks me how I am and when she does, she doesn’t listen to the answer, always finding ways to turn the conversation back around to herself. Sometimes I don’t even get the chance to speak at all before she starts talking about herself again. It’s as though asking about me is just a pleasantry to get out of the way. If I told her this she would probably angrily deny it and say it is my fault for never speaking up, but I never get the chance.”
Humans are selfish by nature, so naturally our favourite topic of conversation is “me.” It’s important to be honest with yourself and have a close look at your interactions. How much time do you spend talking about yourself versus listening to your friend? If you find you are dominating the conversation, stop, take a breath, and try to show a genuine interest in her life. Make eye contact and watch her body language for clues too. Until now you might not have noticed this friendship is unequal, but believe me, the other person does. And she will be spending her time on someone who makes her feel “understood” sooner than you can say the word “ghosted” if you don’t start listening soon.
Effort. Knowing the details of your friends’ life, and remembering them are closely linked. This takes effort. As you learn to listen better, you will learn to pick up on the emotive language, body language and other verbal and nonverbal cues that tell us when something is important to someone. Like when I say it is totally fine that you ditched me last week, but I avoid eye contact with you when I say it? That tells you I value reliability and am a bit of a diva when you let me down! It’s unlikely you will make the same mistake again if you value my friendship, right? There’s a topic for another time. Getting back on point…. Whenever someone has shared something with you that seems to be causing them some emotional reaction, it is essential that you follow up on that with them later. Did they have a job interview? How did it go? Were the kids sick? Are they better? Stressed about an exam? Did they manage to fit in that extra study? Relationship drama? Have things settled down? You don’t have to play 20 questions, or make a big fuss about every little thing they mention. A quick call or text will suffice, even if they don’t get time to answer you. It is important to people that we care about them enough to follow through. Friendship is an action word. For the really big things such as a birthday, or an anniversary of something they celebrate or commiserate, pop a reminder in your phone or computer, or even just on the calendar, one for the day of, and one for the week before if you need to plan any gatherings, events, gifts or cards etc… And then it is there. It will mean a lot to them that you remembered, even if you did have a little help. (They never need to know that… unless you go ahead and write a blog post about it…. Lol) It will mean even more to them if you have taken the time to organise something for them with a personal touch, more than a message on social media or a text. It makes your friend feel loved, cared for, secure, thought about, valued and important. Who doesn’t want to feel that? I do. Don’t you? It only takes a little effort. Or maybe I am just a diva!
