In the past few weeks I have received a few comments and feedback relating to a post I wrote regarding people with fears of abandonment. The criticism was based largely on the fact that somehow the person suffering from fears of abandonment were being misrepresented as narcissistic villains in the post, rather than as the damaged and wounded souls that they are. First off, I would like to formally apologise to anyone who was offended by that post, or felt unfairly judged or portrayed in a negative light.
Secondly, I would like to take the time to disclose that the reason I know how these people operate, is because I am among them! And I know damned well how I can come across at times to my friends as needy, insecure, or a bit draining. I also know the great lengths I often go to in order to try and be the perfect friend, so that I feel more secure that people wont abandon me. Lastly, I would also like to acknowledge that this fear is often the same fear that causes us to abandon other people, ironically enough, before they get the chance to hurt us in a similar manner.
None of that is flattering, but the harsh light of day shone on anyone’s weaker points will always be unflattering. This is why fashion stores go to great lengths to ensure specific lighting and angles in their changing rooms! But just as they want us to have the most flattering image of ourselves, so that they can profit from our purchase, I highlight the less flattering images so that we can learn from our flaws and those of the ones we love.
Trying to be perfect, may indeed share traits with a narcissist who is in their love bombing stage. Both are complimentary, both may buy you impressive gifts, and both are trying to hide the truth from you that they are imperfect. Both are in their own ways trying to manipulate the situation to their own advantage and control the outcome. Although, are we not all guilty of that in one way or another? If you work out harder, you should get better results – everyone is motivated to a certain degree to try and sway an outcome in their own favour.
The difference is that a person motivated by fear of abandonment is trying to get you to like them, so that you will stay in their lives. A narcissist is trying to get you to need them, so that they can devalue you and gain power over you. Both people will eventually reveal their true colours because neither is capable of living the lie of the perfect person forever. However, when they reveal the truth, one will have let you down, or revealed that they are not rich and successful, or not the confident chameleon they presented as, where as the other will be cruel, cold and cutting.
The narcissist is attempting to gain your attention and keep your focus sharply on themselves. They want you to chase after them, apologise for causing them to turn into such an angry, abusive asshole, and then trigger your own fears of abandonment to switch roles. While they initially presented as the perfect person, they want you to now spend the rest of your time and energy, maybe even the rest of your life, pandering to them and trying to be the picture of perfection. The problem being that the picture is one that they create and exists only in their minds, and can change on a whim. While it is impossible to be the perfect person at all, it is beyond impossible to be the perfect person for a narc and you will find yourself in a power struggle, chasing after them and always trying to prove your worth.
Conversely, when dealing with a person who suffers from fears of abandonment, you may find them to be moody, withdrawn when upset or disappointed because they largely fear conflict and confrontation, associating it with the very abandonment they fear. However, you will probably also find them to be constantly apologizing to you for imperfections you never even noticed or offering them reassurance that you do still want to be their friend.
When you coax them to talk to you, one will be full of accusations and gaslighting, while the other may admit that when you left them on read it triggered their insecurities and they stopped communicating with you because they thought you didn’t want them around anymore. One will admit they are scared of losing you while the other will attack your character.
Both people can be hard to be friends with. Both can be exhausting and demanding and consuming. Both have their wounds. But one has pure intentions and motivations and the other does not. One does it on purpose and the other acts subconsciously. A narc does not care about you, whereas a person with fears of abandonment often doesn’t care about themselves. Well, not enough anyway. Both need help, but only one will seek it, and only one will be treated.
They do say the road to hell was paved with good intentions and that might be true. I am not going to tell you that either is the right person for you. If your friend is exhausting and consuming you then only you have the power to decide if it is worth sticking around or not, regardless of their motives. But if you do choose to stay, watch out for the patterns and make sure you know which type of person you are dealing with, because one is much more dangerous than the other.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
