Ok, I probably shouldn’t say the last 5 reasons, like this is an exhaustive list when it isn’t. But it covers the bases pretty well. Last week we looked at the first five reasons, covering societal expectations, lack of time and inconvenience and burn out, the social media myth, insular, somewhat self involved existences, and expectations; too many, or not enough or just mismatching ones between friends. If you are only tuning in this week, and want to read the article at length, click here.
This week we look to cover the lack of language, structure and definition around friendship and what it means. Navigating conflict as an important skill, the actual time and effort new and real friendships take to build around busyness, the romantic ideal of ones partner being their best friend too, and compatibility issues. So let’s dive straight back in shall we?
6. The language and modelling around friendships is weak, and what exists is often unrealistic. We easily call someone a friend, without them earning that position, for lack of other language to use. Friendly and friends is not the same thing. There’s no term for friendship break ups that I call fri-endings, at all. There are no stages like dating or courting, no official conversations to announce that you both agree and commit to being friends, no set roadmaps or markings to follow to progress your friendship, and no real solid pathways for how to be a good friend.
7. Perhaps because we don’t have the language, or perspective that friendships are important meaningful relationships, we also don’t have the skills to navigate conflict within them either. It’s easier just to walk away or distance yourself than have a hard conversation. Because friendships are more casual in nature and plentiful in the ways that they’re not monogamous, they feel less valuable when lost, and when we don’t make a lot of time for them anyway, they don’t always leave a big noticeable hole in our lives when they end. We tell ourselves we have other friends we are better aligned with or that they have other friends and don’t need us or an explanation.
8. But do we really have a long list of other friends to call upon? We might have hundreds or thousands of friends on social media, but how many could you call upon to watch your kid in the middle of the night because you had to go to hospital? We are surrounded by friendly faces, yes, but there is a big difference between friendly, and friends. Friends take years to make, build memories and trust with, and friends should know the small stuff, not just the big stuff. Making friends as adults is actually incredibly difficult, not because we are unfriendly, but because no matter how much we like someone, we only have so much time and attention available, and so many of us already do have our faithful few on the roster.
9. We are also sold this insular romantic idea that our spouse should be our best friend, and it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to meet all your social needs. It puts unnecessary pressure on romantic partners to be everything to each other which ultimately burns out any friendship that was there, or extinguishes the romantic aspect if you are too friendly. Because they are quite different relationships that meet quite different needs. Not to say your partner can’t be your friend, but they shouldn’t be your only one, even if you do consider them your best one!
10. So it’s not necessarily that people are right or wrong in how they approach friendship, but we aren’t taught to consider these types of compatibilities before we befriend someone. Without the aforementioned stages for friendships, we skip straight into friendship way too soon before we really know if we’re compatible, like somehow it matters less. And then we often just end things without any words at all! One person may consider you a wonderful friend while another considers you a lousy one when you treat them both the same. It’s subjective. It’s based on what we want and or need, and that changes depending on our stages of life. It just so happens that many of us are in the period of life less conducive to friendships… but there may be light at the end of the proverbial tunnel as we move closer to retirement and have more time for social and leisure activities again?
Maybe we aren’t “bad at friendships” at all. Maybe we just chose the wrong friends? Just because you are both good people, doesn’t mean you will be good for each other. That said, maybe next week we can explore how to be good at friendships when so many of the barriers we face aren’t changing anytime soon?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
