This week I got a request to address an issue that a reader is experiencing in their friendship. Let’s call them Sam and Chris. Sam and Chris have been friends for 10 years and have seen each other through many up’s and downs in that time, however lately it feels like Chris is the one who carries the friendship. Chris is usually the first one to reach out, almost always the one to initiate plans and time spent together and shows more interest in Sam’s life than Sam does in theirs. However, Sam almost always agrees to plans with Chris and they have a great time when they are together, and often goes out of their way to provide Chris with assistance. For the past year or 2 however, Sam has been in a dark place emotionally. Chris knows that Sam is feeling lost in life, experiencing a few different kinds of heartbreak at once and is angry at the world for the seeming injustice of it all. Sam has lost an opportunity that was important to them and is having a bit of an identity crisis and questioning their place or purpose in this world. Sam has acknowledged all of this, and their emotional distance while they navigate their personal problems.
However, Chris is feeling quite hurt by Sam’s attitude. Sam seems to be pushing Chris away and Chris is at a loss of what to do or say. After 2 years of a heavily one sided friendship, Chris is wondering if it is time to walk away. Chris doesn’t want to abandon Sam in their time of need, but they also can’t keep carrying the friendship forever. More and more, when they spend time together, Sam is irritable, snappy, judgmental and angry. Sam often shuts Chris down, and or is disinterested in conversation. The things they say aren’t unsupportive, yet somehow feel empty and dismissive. Chris is starting to leave their time together feeling drained, unappreciated, unseen and unsupported. When Chris tried to communicate these issues, Sam seemed responsive and promised to be a better friend, however, 6 months later and things have returned to how they were after a small brief initial effort by Sam. Chris does not know if they are demanding or expecting too much of Sam as a friend right now. Chris is wondering if they should be more patient with Sam or cut their losses.
(NOTE: As I am not a qualified mental health professional, the following is my opinion only, and should not be considered advice. )
This is quite a typical scenario in a friendship, when one party has less to give and so the other has to stretch themselves to offer more in order to preserve the relationship. The friendship is obviously important to Chris, or they wouldn’t write to me about it, and although I have my doubts, we can only assume it is also important to Sam, as they openly expressed they don’t want to lose Chris only 6 months ago when the issue was raised between the pair. The question is, how far and for how long can Chris continue to stretch for Sam, and at what cost?
For starters, it would seem to me, like Sam could benefit from talking to a mental health professional to help guide and support them through this challenging period in their life…. However, whilst I’d encourage Chris to suggest this to Sam, Chris cannot control how Sam navigates this difficulty. All Chris can control is how Chris responds to Sam. So far, it sounds like Chris has responded with kindness and patience, however that patience is starting to run a bit thin. And I can see why, so if Chris is seeking validation that it is ok to be frustrated with Sam; It is ok.
Just because Sam has a heavy load right now, does not negate the fact that Chris also has the right to a fulfilling, supportive and satisfying friendship. Having needs, does not make Chris needy, even if the pressures of those needs are too heavy for Sam to carry right now. And they are. Sam, overwhelmed by their own grief, has nothing to offer Chris in terms of a friendship right now. You cannot pour from an empty cup, but that doesn’t mean Chris’ needs don’t matter or that they shouldn’t be met. They should. So, does that mean I am suggesting Chris should walk away from Sam? (In my opinion NOT as advice.)
No. The question of whether to walk away from Sam, or to stay closer and keep trying, ignores a large grey area in the middle where Chris could put a bit less energy into their friendship with Sam, and turn to other people who have a greater capacity to meet their needs right now. Sam appears to needs a bit of space right now to deal with themselves, however, Chris can hold hope that one day in the future, Sam may once again be in a better place to be the friend that they once were. If Chris keeps pushing Sam for more than they can give, it will only push them away further. In order to reduce the pressure on Sam, and simultaneously increase Chris’ own sense of social satisfaction, distance appears to be the best option. Not to walk away, but to take a few steps back.
I get the impression from Chris’ letter that they are fearful that if they take these steps of letting go, the friendship may inadvertently end, given that Chris' feels strongly that it is only their effort keeping the connection alive as it is. I couldn’t promise that this wouldn’t be the outcome either, sadly. What I can promise is that Chris will feel better either way. Sam is not being a good friend to Chris right now. So what does Chris really have to lose? Instead of focusing on what Chris might lose, they could think of the amazing new connections they might gain? If Sam needs Chris, by all means Chris can still show up for them, but only if they invite Chris in. If Chris does this, the onus will be on them to only give as much as they can comfortably offer, without expecting much in return and becoming resentful of Sam all over again.
I said earlier, it seems like Sam needs some space…. Actually it strikes me that, both parties could use some space from each other. Only time will tell if the friendship will ever be restored between these two, but not all endings need a formal goodbye. Many friendships fade away or grow apart in such a way that they still hold positive regard for each other, which leaves the door open for it to grow close again in another season of life. If I were Chris I would start making fewer requests for Sam’s company, and initiating less conversations with them and making more requests and initiations with other friends. I’d be kind and open minded when I saw or spoke to Sam with the same genuine compassion Chris shows now, accepting that it isn’t personal, or about Chris, at all. By respecting Sam’s silent request for space, Chris would also be respecting themselves. Chris may not want space, but I feel like they do need it.
For clarification on what space actually means, check out this post I wrote a few years back. Best of luck to you Chris, however you handle things and however your friendship with Sam evolves. Thanks for reaching out.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
