A smile crossed my face when I saw the name of a new friend pop up on my screen, pleased that she had thought of me and reached out. My enthusiasm didn’t last long however, as when I opened the message there was a familiarly heavy tone to the message. My new friend has clinical depression, isn’t fabulous at keeping track of her meds and staying consistent on them, and was experiencing a particularly hard time in her life. On the one hand I was pleased she felt safe to confide in me, and trusted I would be a safe and supportive place to fall. On the other hand, her consistently heavy tone left me feeling a little depleted and more like a therapist than a friend.
This caused me to consider the question of when a friend is venting, compared to when they are emotionally dumping on you. Of course, the first consideration has to be your own circumstances, because if I was feeling heavy myself, then that would make me susceptible to feeling immediately overloaded by her own emotions and less able to tell the difference. However, at that point, I was feeling light, not experiencing any particular distresses of my own. This made me feel bad that I was a bit annoyed at my friend. Was it really her fault if she was feeling low? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t more instantly sympathetic?
The next question to ponder was what is the difference between venting and dumping? Is it dumping if you are consistently venting? I think the main difference is contextual. We all have bad days, and we all do need to vent about them. When you don’t speak to someone everyday, maybe you do have lots to vent about when you interact, to catch them up. I definitely have one friend who seems to experience a lot more drama in her life than I do in mine, and yet, when she discusses her troubles I am attentive and interested. I don’t feel annoyed. I do feel sympathy for her situation, if a little guilty at my own simple seemingly carefree existence. This friend makes me think of the expression about putting all your problems into a pile and soon realizing you would pick up your own problems quickly compared to other people’s. As one of my own less sympathetic friends would put it… some people have real problems. I admit many of mine are first world issues. And I am grateful, as dismissive as this friend can be, she’s not wrong.
So why is it one friend can consistently vent to me, without it feeling draining, while another doing a similar thing annoys me? Is it that I don’t like my new friend as much? To be fair, my old friend and I have a deeper, richer history, so yes, that probably does play a small role in my ability to have patience and more empathy for her struggles. Having been friends for many years, and having walked a similar path, helps give me the context for her problems that may be lacking with my newer friend. But it is more than that. Our history has also allowed time for us to build happy memories, and share as many good light conversations and laughs as negative ones. We have shared a whole range of emotions together, to balance things out.
While my new friend does not have the benefit of time on her side to have this wide range yet, it does mean that I am seeing a pattern whereby she only seems to be reaching out to me when she is low, hence losing that balance, or skewing it heavily in a more negative scale. On top of that, my older friend is more open to solutions… she wants to address the issues at bay, and welcomes suggestions. My newer friend, however, tends to dwell in the negatives, getting stuck there and shooting down any suggestions immediately. She has tried everything, the world is against her, there is no possible escape from the darkness and nobody can possibly shine even the smallest amount of light on the situation.
I suppose, my new friend, gets a little bit stuck in victim mentality. To be fair to her, the problems she is experiencing are big issues. They are real problems and she does seem to be getting dunked with wave after wave of unfair life events. Several deaths of close family members close together, separation and divorce issues, abuse, homelessness and her own chronic health issues all come together to form a real storm that I myself would struggle to navigate. I can see why she is a bit stuck in victim mentality, which is why I persevere with our connection. I have met her at a very vulnerable time in her life, through no fault of her own.
Part of my annoyance surely stems from my own sense of helplessness to actually fix any of her problems. And while I think a professional therapist is a wonderful idea, I also see that you can’t exactly talk your way out of situations like homelessness. That said, there are things she could do, and yet can’t seem to bring herself to do them to better her own life. And I think that is where I am struggling most because you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t drink for it, and you can’t make it drink for itself.
I am sure she will reach a point where she is ready to act, and until then she just needs a safe space to talk and a willing ear to actively listen. And of course I am willing to be that person, because I would hate for my friend to act on her darkest thoughts of self harm. However, I do hope, in time, the scales come into more equal balance or I fear we will never reach our full potential for a fulfilling close relationship. In part because while she is experiencing all of this, there isn’t really much room for me in the friendship.
That said, there are things I can do, to help balance the scales. I can show up and show her a good time. I can try to distract her, be there for her, and help her realise she isn’t as alone as she feels. I can help her see the amazing woman that she is, and believe in her until she has the courage to believe in herself. I can bring the lightness to alleviate some of the dark heaviness she carries, and help her carry what I cannot carry for her. I can be patient, and see what unfolds. And I can decide how much time and attention to invest to ensure I am not overwhelmed by her.
Time will tell if we are able to reach our full potential, or if my friend is confusing pity and sympathy as care and friendship. More on that topic next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
