Jessica Versus Yazmin. A case study. Jessica’s story.

I want to start this post by saying that I am as guilty of this as any other person. The reason I have this knowledge is by self reflection and observation of others. I also want to add that I am not telling anyone to ignore their intuition, however I am advising everyone to screen their thoughts and know which is intuition and which is insecurity.

Had I come to this insight sooner, perhaps some of my former friendships may still be current ones.  This is because, as I have talked about before, feelings are NOT facts. However they do influence our thoughts, and the human mind tends to follow thoughts like a trail of facts. This can take us on a fact finding mission to support our theory. Friendships are not puzzles to be solved, even if friends may well be!

So what does all this mean? It means that perhaps a friend has let you down in some way. For example, maybe a friend has cancelled plans on you at the last minute without explanation, or for a seemingly small reason? Let’s explore that from both sides.

Jessica has invited Yazmin over for dinner at 6pm. Yazmin has agreed to come to Jessica’s dinner, however, states that she cannot arrive until 6.30pm as she has a meeting after work that day until 6pm.

JESSICA

Jessica is excited today, as she has plans to have her friend Yazmin over for dinner. She has big news to share with her friend, and really can’t wait to see her so they can talk. As today is her day off work, she has time to prepare. She gets up early to plan the meal. She loves cooking for people, as it is her specialty and it is one of the ways she enjoys showing the important people in her life love and care. She knows Yazmin is gluten free and a vegetarian. She is excited to try something new, and has sourced a recipe for spinach and ricotta zucchini cannelloni, and made a list of all the ingredients to buy. After she gets the groceries home, she starts crafting the pasta out of zucchini. It takes ages and she has to go back to the shop to get more zucchini. While she is out she stops at the bottle shop and the florist too, for a table setting and some wine. She wants it to be perfect.

Once the meal is made, she sets about doing the dishes from all the prep work, and tidying up the house. She cleans the bathroom, scrubs the toilet, vacuums and set’s the table. She even does some yard work out the front as Yazmin has not been to her house before and she wants it to look pleasing. By the time all that is done, it is 4pm. Jessica realises that she has been so busy she didn’t even eat lunch! Oh well, she jumps into the shower, selects a nice outfit and does her hair. Just in time to pop the meal in the oven, and whip up a quick dessert.

At 6.15pm the meal is in the oven, she puts the dessert in the fridge and opens the wine. Then she gets a text from Yazmin that reads “Meeting running late, won’t make dinner tonight after all, sorry. Rain check? x”

Jessica slumps down on the couch. All that effort has been for nothing! She thinks of the casual way Yazmin has cancelled, by text not by phone call. Yazmin always texts! Jessica thinks to herself that Yazmin has wasted her day off, and has not even acknowledged how important tonight was to Jessica. Or the effort that she put in. She bet’s Yazmin wouldn't be happy if someone did that to her. Why couldn’t she just come a little later? They had plans. She should have excused herself from the meeting and said she had a prior engagement. That is what Jessica thinks she would have done if the tables were turned. But Yazmin doesn’t prioritise me, she reasons.  The more Jessica thinks about it, the more she starts to believe that Jazmin doesn’t really care about her. She starts making a mental list of all the other times Yazmin has let her down. Maybe Yazmin isn’t such a good friend after all. She is distracted by the smell of burning! Oh No! Dinner is burnt to a crisp. While taking it out the oven, she burns herself on the hot pan. She crumples to the floor in tears of frustration and anger.

Later that evening, as she looks in the fridge for something to eat, as she hasn’t eaten all day, she pulls the dessert out and eats the whole lot herself. It makes her angry that her friend isn’t there to taste it, as it really is quite nice. But Yazmin will never know that now!

Yazmin texts her again, when she gets home from work and realises that Jessica hasn’t responded to her message.  “Just got home! Long day! So sorry about tonight. Work is a nightmare at the moment. Next time for sure though, I’ll cook to make it up to you?”

This is the last straw for Jessica. “There will be no next time” she hastily texts “In future I will only invite friends who appreciate me and value my time.  Don’t bother texting me ever again!”

That night she lies in bed staring at her phone. Waiting for a response from Yazmin. Wondering if it will come. Although she told Yazmin not to text her ever again, what she really wants is for Yazmin to call. To ask about her news. To acknowledge how much effort Jessica had put into today and how much she wanted to see her friend. She wanted Yazmin to want to fix things, to be truly sorry, to make an effort. But the phone does not ring.

Tune in next week to read Yazmin’s story/perspective.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How it feels when your best friend breaks your heart.

It feels shit. That is how it feels. It feels every bit as bad as if your partner broke your heart, with the added loss and isolation of not having your best friend to talk to about it. Accompany that with the heavy social pressure to rise above and not “gossip” about it and the shame you feel over this perceived personal failure and it is a recipe for depression.

You feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, alone, misunderstood and maybe even somewhat obsessed. I can’t say I have ever felt as obsessed with an ex-lover post break up as I have over an ex-friend. And no, I don’t actually feel like my sexual orientation has anything to do with this, although I admit I might love my friends slightly more or differently to my heterosexual counterpart, I actually believe we all feel the same way.

I might add, as a married person, the pain is no less because I have a partner and kids to distract me from the pain or support me through it. As a matter of fact the idea that they should somehow make up for any loss of a friendship is even more isolating, as I don’t subscribe to the idea that my partner should be my best or only friend. Who would I discuss him with then? Haha I understand however that the pain of losing your bestie when you happen to be single may sting that little bit more, on the basis that your bestie may have been your standard “plus one” and left a massive hole in your life and your heart.

Why is nobody talking about this? This obsessive crushing heartbreak we carry. Which only gets heavier each day we are not expressing it? Which sometimes gets even more painful as you hear about them living their best life without you via social media or mutual friends. At least if this proves true with an ex-lover people expect you to talk about how sad you are. They support you through it.

If you go to a party or the local shop and you run into an ex-lover, you can tell your friends about it…. And they expect you wont be ok about it. If it is an ex-friend it is petty to mention and you may be “involving them in drama” if you try.

So you try and get through the days in the best ways you know how until you silently cry at night. Love songs make you think of them, although they usually didn’t when they were in your life and songs about heartbreak speak to you, because you are in fact heart broken. You lay awake replaying old memories, your last conversation, looking for clues, the signs that you missed. You wonder if they miss you.

If you are anything like me you write them a tonne of unsent letters and wonder if you should reach out every year their birthday passes. Especially if it is a big year. You never really forget. Because with lovers, you replace them, eventually and yet it isn’t like that with friends. You move on, of course, but you never forget in the same ways.

You have no social script for this pain. Even a psychologist is not well versed in helping you through an unrecognised trauma. And the closer you were, the more time and support you offered one another, the harder it is to avoid all the reminders. You wonder what was wrong with you that you couldn’t make it work and you feel jealous of other people, even characters on tv shows with their perfect friendships.

You work through the stages of grief. Then just when you think you have reached peace about it, something reminds you all over again and you toy with the idea of reaching out. Then you chicken out, remember all the hurt all over again and relive it all. It strikes anywhere and everywhere because friends tend to have memories of all parts of out lives and so many places.

You look them up on social media. You casually enquire about them if you travel in the same circles. You pretend to be indifferent about it. And you almost get there. But never quite.

The loss of a close friendship stays with you, almost like the loss of a pet. Except the pet is dead and the friend is not. Regardless, you may have another best friend in time. But you will always remember the good times, you will always miss what you had. Your new friend will never ever replace your old lost friendship and the part of you that died along with it.

A friendship is a unique and intangible thing. It cannot be measured or reproduced or contained. Certainly not replaced. No matter how many friends you have, or make after the loss of your best friend, seeing an old photo, or bumping into them at the shop will always bring up all the pain again. Will always trigger the insecurity that you weren’t good enough, that you were disposable.

Recently our beloved cat Socks passed away from lung cancer. Now we have a new kitten. Oh how we love the new kitten. It brings us so much joy. But it will never be Socks. We still grieve the loss of him and we always will. We will not always cry over the memories, but we will always feel loss and sadness that he isn’t here with us anymore.

Losing a best friend is like that too. It never gets any easier, no matter how old you get or how many times you go through it. And that is ok. They say a heart that is broken, is a heart that loved. Sometimes it helps to remember that they are probably heartbroken too, even if it cannot be repaired or if you cannot tell. After a lifetime, we become good at hiding this particular pain. They may be better at it than you but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

It can be hard to put yourself out there again. It can be hard to trust. You may find your insecurities flaring up as you try to embrace new friendships, you may feel scared to try. You may struggle with abandonment fears. But please don’t give up. Friendship is true intimacy, not sex. Friendship is pure love. That is why it hurts so much to lose. Because it is worth having.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fast and Furious Friendships

Have you ever had someone come into your life in a bit of a whirlwind? Someone with whom you felt instant chemistry and connection on a platonic level. Someone who maybe made you forget what your life was like without them in it?

Last week I spoke about the rift and subsequent reconciliation between a close friend and myself. In that post I made brief reference to the fact that our friendship had come on quickly, and that usually this was a warning sign for the catastrophe that lay ahead. When you know someone’s entire sexual history at the end of your first coffee, for example, you know too much. Haha

It is fair to say that I felt drawn to this person. I thought she felt drawn to me too, but I can’t be sure after what transpired, maybe only I felt that. Anyway, the point is, I asked her out, and she agreed. What started as a quick coffee, stretched on to a movie and then a meandering dinner, changing locations for dessert. By the end of the evening, we felt we really knew one another. We knew our family situations, our romantic histories and our shared sarcastic sense of humour. It wasn’t long before we were messaging daily and getting together at least weekly, if not more.

She was more spontaneous than me. She challenged me to get out of my comfort zone, to try new things and to get up and go out even if it was not in the day’s original plan. She continues to challenge my flexibility with her impromptu nature that inconveniences me in good and bad ways. I was the reliable stable one, offering her the support to anchor herself, a place to return to when the world got her down. If I said I would be there, she knew she could count on me to be there. And maybe because we each needed what the other provided, we overlooked the obvious, which was that we didn’t really know each other at all.

Our intimacy was fast tracked by the over sharing we indulged in too early. Because it feels good to connect with someone, to share with them. Then when you have, you feel invested. But I had not had time to learn that she was flaky and emotionally avoidant in nature, and she had not had time to learn that there was nothing casual about me, despite how we easily laughed together. I had not witnessed her rage, that I now know bubbles very close to the surface at all times. She had not experienced my tendency to withdraw. Neither had acknowledged the other’s crippling people pleasing nature. We had no idea we would trigger each other in so many ways and that our foundation was not strong enough to withstand that pressure.

Nope, we jumped straight into the deep end of one another’s existence and went full speed ahead, ignoring every red flag along the way. It felt wonderful. It made me happy. To have someone who chose to be my friend, someone who would call and text often and made me laugh. And I liked it so much that I overlooked it when she would randomly go a week without speaking to me, then be annoyed at me for pointing it out, claiming she was busy and I needed to chill.

But the thing was, she had already established that pattern of close frequent contact. She had already made me feel welcomed in her life, and the sudden silences felt deafeningly loud to me. The more I said about it, the more I pushed her away. I didn’t know the depths to which our closeness scared her, and she didn’t know the depths to which I had come to depend on that closeness.

We didn’t acknowledge then of course, the voids we each filled in the other’s life. Which in itself was inherently unhealthy. If there was not a degree of loneliness in my life, I may not have been so quick to latch on to her. I may have had some balance in my life that would not have allowed that degree of intimacy to occur as instantly as it did. It did because we each needed it to. She, being more carefree, started it without really knowing what she was getting into. Then she had no idea how to get out of it. Not necessarily because she wanted out, but feeling like there was no way out made the pressure build.

She was free spirited, not one to be tied down. I wasn’t. As time went on, the same qualities that had drawn her to me repelled her. I bored her and my friendship became a burden. She started spending more time with other people, moving subtly away from me. When she would tell me about this, I felt affronted. Like she was rubbing it in my face and wanting to make me jealous, to make me chase her. (Now I know her much better this isn’t actually far from the truth! Lol) In her view she was testing my ability to give her space and be less possessive. If I expressed hurt or jealousy, I failed the test. If I did nothing I hurt. When I hurt, I pulled away more, when she wanted me to try harder.

We were letting our insecurities run the show and every communication soon became a miscommunication. Each time she let me down, cancelled plans, arrived late or spoke harshly to me, I closed off a little more. We started to feel unsafe with each other, in an emotional sense, yet each of us desperate for the reassurance from the other that they weren’t going to leave.

And so our worst fears came true, when we came to blows and walked away from one another. And we didn’t speak for the same amount of time that we had been friends to begin with! Because we did not understand each other and we did not try. We each formed a picture of the other and who we believed her to be, and we held her to that standard. Initially we showed each other our best qualities, and then were not interested in accepting the worst. You cannot have one without the other. Not for long. We called each other friends before we had a chance to make that a reality.

It takes time to get to know someone, no matter what chemistry you have. It takes years and situations and observations to understand a person. You observe what triggers them, what brings them joy and sadness. You observe how they react under pressure and stress. You watch long enough and you start to see things you couldn’t see before. Their motivations, their pressures, the dynamics of their life that have formed the person they have become.

I now understand my friend is flaky and it wont change, and she understands I need more stability. I work on flexibility and she works on reliability because we know what the other values. We concentrate more on meeting the other’s needs than getting her to meet our own. We understand the unseen and sometimes unspoken pressures in each other’s lives and why we are the way we are, and why we respond the way we do. We accept and love the other as she is. Warts and all. And instead of turning away and tuning out we turn and tune in. Now it finally feels like we really are friends, in a much deeper and real sense. Because we took the time to develop it and not rush it.

Fast and Furious friendships tend to be flings of fancy, a good time but not a long time. It is ok to enjoy them for what they are, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can we “settle” in our friendships?

I was musing with a good friend the other day, teasing her about a man on the periphery of her life, trying to get closer, and failing miserably. My friend is not interested in this man in the slightest and she went on to justify all the reasons why. I smiled as I asked her about the long line of men waiting for her attention, slyly implying that there was no line. If I was going to settle, she retorted, I would be with you!

Now, I suppose this is fair enough. You shouldn’t dish it if you can’t take it. I deserved that. Yet, somewhere deep down, she touched a sore point. Did she think that I was not good enough for her, even as a friend? Has she settled with me? This particular friend and I are on our second attempt of friendship after our first failed miserably and I would even go so far as to say catastrophically.

When we reconciled, it is fair to say I allowed my ego to believe that this friend had missed me. That she had realised my worth, as it often takes losing someone to realise how important they really were to you. I certainly missed her, and came to see what a big part of my life she had become in such a short timeframe. (That is never good by the way, although it feels good at the time, it never ends well. More on that next week)

So now all this insecurity had swelled inside me, and hours after our conversation I found myself messaging her to ask if she regretted reconciling with me. Maybe she really had settled. What if I had thought she missed ME when in reality, she missed having someone, anyone. It’s uncomfortable, but perhaps relevant to note that when we fell out the first time this friend explicitly told me she had never liked me, never wanted to be my friend, she just felt sorry for me and then got stuck as my friend. Those were the last words she said to me for 2 years. Was this still true? (It’s only fair to note we were arguing. I’m sure I also said hurtful harsh things.)

There are few things more vulnerable than laying your heart on the floor for someone to potentially stomp on. AGAIN! I felt small and rejected and shameful that I had perhaps trapped this person with me a second time. And I felt protective, defensive of my heart and all the things I thought we had built and grown since that time so many years ago. Was it all a lie?

Of course it wasn’t. You can’t fake what we share. My friend was quick to reassure me that she is glad we came back together, that I am “her person” and my friendship means the world to her. There may or may not have been cheesy references to Cher’s song “If I could turn back time”….

“I didn’t really mean to hurt you,
I didn’t wanna see you go,
I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way,
I’d take back those words that have hurt you,
And you’d stay….

When you walked out that door,
I swore that I didn’t care…
But I lost everything,
Darlin’ then and there.

Too strong to tell you I was sorry,
Too proud to tell you I was wrong…”

Look, people say all kinds of things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment, and my heart forgives her, but it didn’t forget and remembering those words still stings. Because there is truth in every joke and every word spoken in anger. And the truth hurts. So why did she ever come back into my life then? I didn’t invite her back, initially, I accepted her back, perhaps because I didn’t want to believe those harsh sentiments, it felt good to bury them. But now this cutting reminder in a casual Tuesday afternoon conversation. Ouch.

The Baz Luhrmann ”Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen song” comes to mind. (Showing my age there, but worth a listen!)

“The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”

Feeling slightly bolder by her reassurance I asked her to explain what she meant by that offhanded comment about settling with me, and she explained she had meant it as a compliment, to say that we have something special and any man in her life will have to be at least as good as me for her to consider settling down with him. Aww? (I think?) lol

This led to a broader conversation about settling as a concept, and we read a brilliant article on the TODAY website entitled “Why it is ok to settle for Mr Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. Now it was dated 7th Feb 2008, so I have no idea if the author still believes in her advice, but I would be interested to find out! In the article she points out the difference, and incompatibility between romantic love and a long term partnership, and how hard it is to sustain one while turning it into the other, because commitment is more mundane than passionate and the person who makes your heart flutter, is seldom the best person to have on your team in the trenches of life with you…. Basically to choose wisely. This applies to friendships too!

Now, I understand, this resonated with me, and my unpopular belief that all relationships are somewhat transactional in nature. For example “I will give you this in exchange for that.” The idea that you wouldn’t have to compromise anything in that transaction is laughable to me. So yes, you overlook certain things in order to benefit from others. My son’s biological father for example was exciting, attractive and fun, he made my heart race, but he would have made a misogynistic husband and I would have been miserable raising my son with him. He was a fantasy. My husband is reality. I feel it is important to know the difference. (And yes, in hindsight, not get pregnant to someone with whom you cannot foresee a long term commitment! Lol but I could never regret any of it.)

So perhaps my friend did use that time apart from me to assess her other friendships and realise that there were things about me she did not like in comparison. I have no doubt about this. Nobody likes everything about anybody. She also had that time to compare her life with me in it to me not being in it. And she decided she is better off with me on her team, for whatever reason. And so, she brought me back in to it for what she could get out of it, and decided to put up with my flaws and give me more of what I wanted in exchange.

And you know what? I am ok with this. I am probably not as exciting as the other people in her life, and I am needier than they are as friends. My expectations are higher because I give more than they do. And as long as she attempts to meet those expectations in return, even if it often feels burdensome for her to do so, I don’t care.

Maybe she did settle for me. And maybe I settle for her too. But I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as making a conscious and informed life choice rather than settling. We choose each other, even when it is hard. Even when there are things each of us dislikes about the other. Instead of walking away, we try to understand each other and learn from each other. Nobody is perfect, after all. Can you even call it settling when you’re happy?

I think of it like gold panning, a good shake will make the heavy metal settle at the bottom of the pan. As this friend is definitely a gold digger, haha, it doesn’t surprise me she settled for me. She sees my worth. And she is still worth her weight in gold to me too. Which is a lot. Lol

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Toxic Behaviours in Friendships

Ok, so the point of this blog was really to focus on fractured friendships, and over the years I have expanded out to talking all things friendship. Friendship is important, I am passionate about it and I think it is an important topic that I want to keep expanding and exploring. That said, I wanted to move back in the direction of troubled friendships.

This week, I was reflecting on all the reasons my friendships have failed over the years. I don’t really think people are toxic, however each of us is capable of being a good person who made a bad choice, or, alternatively unknowingly practising toxic behaviours or patterns.  So here are the 10 reasons I could think of that eventually cause strain, if not rift of a friendship.

1. Competition or jealousy.

The first thought that came to mind was an example of a friend who unwittingly put us into competition over everything. It was not a competition I signed up for and it was not one I could win, and it was not one I wanted any place in. It didn’t matter what it was. If I bought a car, theirs was better because it had a better safety rating or better features. If I had a bad day, theirs was worse. Not only was this frustrating, it was invalidating. Somehow whatever I was sharing turned into a story about them.  Which brings me nicely to my next point.

2. Selfishness or Not listening ….

or even holding space for me in the conversations. Some friends have used me more like a therapist at worst or an audience at best. It is always about themselves, and even if they do allow you to talk, they interrupt or don’t remember the details because they aren’t really listening.

3. Out of balance

This next one is more a quality of the friendship than of the 2 people within it, but often times as per the examples above, the friendship is somehow unbalanced. Ot may be unbalanced because one person is always the one initiating contact, or because one person is more invested in the other. Or, it may be unbalanced because you always do the same things. For example, you may always see movies together, which makes the frequent contact bring you together, however if you don’t really actually ever talk to one another, the intimacy will be lacking. On the other end of the spectrum if you always chat the hours away over coffee, the fun aspect may be lacking. Either can cause the friendship to feel a little stale.

4. Different Values

I am sure the pandemic has brought about some insight into a few of your friends, that may have surprised you. Maybe you had a friend who refused to wear a mask or be vaccinated and you felt they were putting you at odds with your own values about it? Or maybe you have a friend who started seeing a married person or cheating on their spouse… and while it may not impact you directly, it does change how you see them as a person. I have one friend who is always very kind and positive and one who is very sarcastic and mean when we speak, in good humour. Luckily neither offends me, however if you value postivity, a very negative friend like that could hurt you.

5. Social Exclusion

We all understand not everybody can be invited to everything. Yet sometimes that exclusion can feel just as confronting as it felt in our early years to learn we were not invited to the ellusive pool party! Not being invited to coffee with 2 mutual friends is one thing, however, not being invited to the group weekend away or consistenlty feeling excluded from regular events can take it’s toll on a friendship.

6. Co Dependency issues

I admit I can be a needy friend. I latch on sometimes too tight, and get attached to ideals. For example, if you begin messaging me everyday, and then abruptly stop, I will feel hurt and confused by this, which may only further fuel your desire to get space from me. Alternatively, if you need me to accompany you each time you run an errand, but never make the effort to spend any quality time together outside of this, I will begin to feel used and pull away. If it feels like we are just using one another to fill some sort of void, trying to act like friends instead of being friends, because it is better to be together than alone.

7. Lying or lack of vulnerability

We all tell white lies sometimes. Ok, so you didn’t really have a headache when you cancelled our plans lasy week, but that was easier to say than telling me you couldn’t be bothered catching up. Point taken. However, if you do this every week, our friendship should be strong enough for you to approach me and talk to me about the real reason you are being distant. (Whether it is about me or us or not.) If I reach out and say to you that I think things are not ok with us, and you tell me everything is fine, you are just super tired or busy, chances are high that I wont ask again and our friendship will end if you let it. That is because I am practicing vulnerability when I ask if everything is ok. Even if everything really is ok, I am clearly feeling things are off and wanting to talk about it. As my friend you should care about that. If you don’t take the opportunity to care and tell me what is really going on with you or with us, I will take that to mean you don’t care that I feel pushed away. I can’t support you or fix it if I don’t ask. And trust me, it wasn’t easy to ask. Shutting down that conversation shuts me out.

8. Judging

In many cases, the reason someone may be lying or not being vulnerable in your presence might be because they feel you are judgemental. This can come in the form of openly judging others in your friends company, or from giving unsolicited, even if well intended advice. (or lectures.) If you always act as if you have all the answers, like you wouldn’t have made such silly and obvious mistakes, or like you are above your friends, it stands to reason they may not open up to you easily. This is also true if you deliver brutal honesty. You can be honest and kind. Try to always be accepting and understanding and ask more questions. When friends try and open up to you, they want to talk, not listen. Try to validate them when you do speak and just be there for them.

9. Betrayal of trust or gossip

Friendships are formed around intimacy. The ability to share the real versions of ourselves, express dark thoughts and let down our guard to be truly seen and loved is imperative to intimacy. What it means is that we trust this person to see the best in us, even at times when we show them the worst. So nothing hurts more than to hear someone is smiling to your face and comforting you in your moments of need, then using those darker elements you have shared with others to paint you in a negative light. Especially if that involves betrayal of confidence, stated or implied! It may be worse if you feel your friend has made a fool of you by having an affair with your partner for example or cheated or manipulated you in some other way. Vulnerability is a beautiful intimacy not entrusted to just anyone and betrayal of that trust is hard to recover from

 10. Money

I never thought money could be such a big issue in friendships. Why should it be an issue at all? If you borrowed money from a friend, pay it back in a timely manner and try not to ask again. If you lend someone money, you do not own them. If you lend them $1000 you cannot question every purchase or life choice after that. They did not ask for your advice, only your money. Surprisingly that is not the only way money becomes an issue. If you have more disposable income, you may embarrass friends by suggesting expensive luxuries – even if you are generous enough to pay, you create a debt your friend feels they cannot repay and keep them endebted to you unhealthily. Or if you don’t respect the way your friend makes her money. Maybe you work hard at a 9-5 and they earn their money by erotic dancing or are a stay at home partner to someone who earns. You may not respect the way they finance their life, but that is not your business.

These are just 10 of the issues I have seen crop up in my friendships. Please leave comments on the issues you have faced, as I am sure there are many more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t believe everything you hear! Or even everything you say?!!

A friend and I were recently discussing her new job, and the fact that almost immediately after starting the position the office gossip started. People trying to “warn you” of the status quo, to keep away from this person or that person, who is having personal issues and of course each person claiming that they do the lion’s share of the work meant to be done by everyone else. Lol

My friend was surprised, how easily people gossip. She reasoned that they did not know her well enough to be trusted with such insights and she herself may be someone to avoid for all they know! I reasoned that although I haven’t been in paid employment for a good many years now, that I remembered it well and that people felt they had to recruit you to their team before it was too late.

Many of them are well intentioned. Sometimes there is someone in the office who is best avoided, or someone you would be wise not to confide in. It’s normal for these conversations to come up as you befriend new colleagues, as work is the immediate thing you share in common and where you will spend your time.  However my friend is someone who is pretty likeable. I have always been jealous of how easily she fits in with everyone wherever she goes. Everybody loves her, myself included. She says we are the closest, but I bet she says that to all the girls! Haha

Anyway, my friend relayed that no matter how well intentioned, or otherwise, the gossip put her off the messenger more than the target. Not to mention she expects to at least hear both sides of the stories, in time, if this is that type of workplace.  Although to be clear my friend has no intention of getting involved in any of this drama anyway, and makes it a point never to choose a side, as it were. She is Switzerland. Lol

It reminded me of a time when someone in the office “pre-warned me” not to get involved with ‘bitchy salad friend’ from a few posts back. Like a moth to the flame I obviously am as she was the first person I gravitated towards. Haha But I recall saying to the person who warned me “Thank you for your concern, but I prefer to make my judgements about people based on my own experiences of them.” Which shut down the gossip entirely. However, as evident by the title ‘bitchy salad friend’ the warning was probably best heeded.

So who is right in these situations? Should we listen to what people have to say about others? Or should we be wary of them and what they will tell others about us? Should we believe what we hear first, or what we hear from the other party? Is it better to let someone know if the person they are befriending has wronged you in some way, or let them figure it out for themselves?

There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but we would all be wise to remember that perception plays a big role in the truth. If you have been hurt or betrayed by a person, it stands to reason you would not want to see anyone go through the same thing, however it’s likely you played your part in whatever happened too, and the other party would have something to say about you also. So perhaps ask yourself if you would want people to believe everything they heard about you from the perspective of someone who views you unfavourably?

Unless this person is at serios risk of harm, I feel this is one of those situations where silence is golden. You have the opportunity to make friends with a new colleague, so instead of wasting your breath trying to let them know the lay of the land, ask them about themselves, share about yourself. Build a rapport with them so that the only thing they believe about you is from their direct experience of you.

Despite my ‘bitchy salad friend’ experience, I do recall another time when a group were chatting about the positives about a mutual known person. All raving about her. I don’t know why I felt it was the appropriate time or audience to chime in about what I didn’t like about this person combined with some gossip I had heard about her, however I can now understand in hindsight why I was never included in that group again. My behaviour was negative, toxic and ugly, and it said more about me than the person whom we were discussing. Not to mention I did not read the room! Haha

But we live and we learn. We have all done things like this, it is human nature. Which brings me to my final point. People have toxic traits or behaviours, but generally people are not toxic. One person may have lashed out uncharacteristically due to other stressors, and it isn’t fair to judge them based on that alone. Or maybe like me, they felt awkward and in some way I can only assume I was trying to gain respect in the circle by sharing inside information as a misguided way to bond. Whatever the reasons or circumstances, it is problematic to judge people based on their worst moments or to assume that because they weren’t a good fit as a friend to you that they wouldn’t be to anyone else.

Don’t believe everything you hear, and maybe don’t even believe everything you say, although the less you say about others, the better! Trust me on that one! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The big power of a small word!

Last month was all about apologies, the word sorry, the ways in which we should and should not give or accept them and the power that goes with one small word with one big meaning. I am sure you are all tired of that theme by now, so today we will look at the power of one small 2 letter word.

See how I said “we” in that last sentence. It flows nicely, doesn’t it. I am writing and you are reading and although we do not know each other, we are in fact on this journey together. But unless I pointed it out, you were not likely to think anything of it, should I have instead written that I wanted to explore the power of one small 2 letter word!

So why is it significant? I am a believer in empowering our friends. Offering advice, but with no real expectation that they will do as we suggest, and reassuring them that they are the best person to decide what is right for themselves. It feels good to remind a friend that you believe in them and you know they can navigate their own life successfully, deal with any challenges and or obstacles and achieve whatever success means to them.

I like to try and always make sure that I am there for my friends. That I listen to their stories, follow up, offer advice and encourage them, console them, remind them how great they are and how strong they are, even when they don’t feel strong. I am often telling them “You have got this! You can do this. You are so smart and strong that I know you will figure this out.” I offer help where I can and an ear when I can’t, and try to use these words of affirmation to reassure and motivate them to be the best that they can be.

I am a soft place to fall when you have had enough, and a gentle push in the right direction when needed. So, I was surprised to hear a friend tell me recently that my words actually made her feel heavier and more alone! When I tell her “You have got this!” for example, the emphasis is on the word you, and you alone. When sometimes what she wants and needs more than anything is to hear “I have got your back. We will figure this out together. You are not alone; I am here for you and here with you.”

Now often the challenges we face in life, ultimately, we do face alone, however I never realised such a simple change in my language could be so powerful in removing the sense of isolation people sometimes feel during times of need. I honestly never even thought about it. I thought I was proving I was there for people, by showing up, by listening, by offering suggestions, help and information as much as possible. By checking in to show the person I know you are struggling, I am still thinking of you, I haven’t forgotten.

That said, when the conversation is over, and my friend goes back to their life, it is fair to say I can cast aside their woes and get back to my luckily peaceful existence. And my friend feels very alone, unable to stop the worry or distress. So, I suppose I really have been reiterating that my friend is alone even if that was not my intention.

So how powerful it is to instead say “we will figure this out.” To reassure them that you will continue to hold some of the problems weight, that you will make a phone call if needed or do a grocery run to help them out or take them out for a meal just so they feel a little bit taken care of and less alone. Even if you still want to remind your friend that they can do whatever it is that needs to be done, always remember to also add in that you are right there with them every step of the way.

For example, my friend’s friend was recently discharged from hospital and after some anxiety and panic attacks, had started to feel like maybe staying in hospital was the better option and was questioning their decision to come home instead of accepting a transfer to a different hospital. My friend said to them “If we need to get you back into hospital, then that is what we will do. If we need to find ways to make you feel more secure at home then that is what we will do. You decide which is right for you and we will make it happen.”

They decided to stay home and see how they got on, as they needed complete bedrest. My friend went over with meals, a kettle to put by the bed, a voice activated light control, some books and puzzles, snacks and of course a big hug! She spent some time sitting in bed with her friend, watching a movie, talking about life, and just being present. By the end of the night her friend felt settled, cared for and like they had a plan. Like they were not alone.

Sometimes that is what a friend needs more than anything. I really appreciated this reminder from my friend, without judgement or criticism on how to be better, how to be there more for people and how to reiterate that I am on their team and we will get through our lives separately, yet, together, because “We Got This!”

Thank you for reading this and coming on this journey with me as we explore the good, the bad and the ugly, together!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

GALentines or PALentines Day!

Well, how quickly this time of year has rolled around once more. A time to celebrate our friends, our friendships and acknowledge that they are just as valuable as connections as any other romantic or familial relationship!

Every year on the 13th of February, I advocate the handing out of yellow roses to your friends, in honour of your friendship, just as I deliver mine to my nearest and dearest too. For some people, a gift, a meal, a card, a heartfelt message or a favour granted feel more appropriate as ways to celebrate their friends.

There is no right or wrong way, as long as you take pause to consider your friends, what they bring to your life, how important they are to you and find a way to let them know, and if possible spend a little time together.

This year, I discovered my phone does this cool thing whereby it pulls up all the images of a person if you click on it, scroll down and select their face. Then you hit show more, and it creates a little video to a tune of all the pictures of that person or you and that person together. You can choose happy or upbeat instrumental music, to sad, sentimental or chill music. Then you just save it to your phone and send it to them.

I can’t get enough of this feature. How simple to send to a friend to celebrate your friendship, remember your good times together and relive memories! It is like a virtual scrapbook! Who doesn’t love a good friendship collage or scrapbook!

If a collage is more your thing, I use an app called PicCollage that lets you select photos, layout, background and some stickers for free. I sent one to my mother-in-law for mother’s day this year as she has done a few pic collages around her house and she loved it.

If you prefer a slideshow to a meaningful licenced song, then I use an app called Movavi and it is awesome as it lets you select a song from your phone library, select any photos and videos you want to use, add cool effects, movement of the clips, how long you want each picture to display for and in which order. This is an awesome way to make a meaningful clip of your friendship to whatever song you and your friend love, or what feels meaningful to you.

Failing that, there is always the free meme generator imgflip so you can use a private photo of your mate and yourself with some hilarious caption, memory, or  warm sentiments.

The point is to get creative, have some fun, and show your friend something really personalised to let them know they were worth some time and effort even if you never seem to be able to find time together as often as you would like.

The only rule is to send it on the 13th of Feb, the day before Valentines because it is more important, and to make sure it says Happy GALentines or PALentines Day. Their challenge, should they choose to accept it is to return the sentiment and pay it forward to other friends.

I can’t do this without all of you. This celebration is important and it needs to take off. It is inclusive of singles and all ages and it is as fun as it is sentimental. So please celebrate this occasion somehow with your friends, and please come back to this post on Facebook and share with us how you did!

Happy GALentines or PALentines day folks! I am off to deliver my yellow roses old school style, cos I am so old! haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sometimes sorry just ain’t enough.

So in all of January, I kept to the theme of apologies. This was inspired by a friend who ghosted me, and then reappeared to make amends by the way of apology, without actually offering an ongoing friendship, but just to close our chapter more tastefully. I appreciated her apology and I thanked her for it, although when I published the piece, I had no way of knowing if she had actually received my response or not. She hadn’t responded.

As I want to be transparent with you all, and accountable, and to honour this friend, I wanted to update you that this person read that post, and got in touch to assure me that the apology she sent was in fact for me and she genuinely meant it. Not that I had any doubt about that. I always understood her intentions were never harmful, even if her actions were. She also assured me she did receive my forgiveness in response and that it was meaningful to her.

As a matter of fact, this person has actually contacted me twice now, and neither time did I respond. Does that mean I am now ghosting her? We said our goodbyes more than once already. Am I wrong to bow out of another round when my instincts tell me this pattern of dumping will repeat itself?

Beyond that, I know my worth. I know what I offered this friend, and when she left my life I wondered why I wasn’t enough, what I could have done differently, how I should have handled things to get a better outcome. Ex-friend, if you are reading this, when you sent your amends, and I followed up with my forgiveness, you set me free. You reminded me that I am worthy, that the issue was with you and not with me.

Oh I understand your predicament, you know I do. I played my part and I do not shy away from that either. But we cannot work, you and I. The trust is gone, please understand I cannot invest again where I already lost so much. I believe in you to change, to be the best you can be and change your predicament. I want you to succeed. I just cannot be a part of that change.

There was so much in your messages that I wanted to respond to. So much to say. So many questions for you. So much of my own life that you have missed that I wanted to share. To say I have missed our daily conversations is an understatement. But just because I have missed it, does not mean I should go back to something that isn’t right for me.

I am sorry, for what it is worth. I know you wanted, needed and expected more from me and I am letting you down. But when you sent your apology and gave me closure, I closed us and I need us to stay closed. I do forgive you, I do wish the best for you, but at the end of the day you didn’t choose me and I need to choose people that do.

I hope you are well. I wish you all the best in your future, whatever it holds. I forgive you and I have love for you in my heart. But I just cannot be your friend. I hope you understand, if you forgive me or not. This is the right choice for me. It was not an easy choice. I sat down and penned you an answer both times, and yet, something stopped me from pressing send. But I do want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I am not trying to punish you for your choices. I deserved the Karma I got in this, I get it now. I was not loyal to someone, and then you were not loyal to me. I always had that coming and it didn’t surprise me. So although I set us free, I don’t want you to feel it was in anger. We were Just “collateral damage.” Thank you for your apology, I conclude that you’re right, it was for me, and it was helpful. It set me free, and gave me closure.

To all of you struggling, there is no right or wrong way to feel in these situations, no right or wrong response. Only how you do feel and it is ok to be vulnerable enough to speak your truth. This is mine. I can’t go back. Although I reached forgiveness, I must move forward. It is ok that friendships end and it is ok to end them or let them end. I will always remember my friend dearly and think of her often, but our friendship will remain in my heart, not in my life. They say sometimes love just isn’t enough, and I feel the same about apologies. Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough and that’s just the way it is.


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship IS Forgiveness?

Many of you are probably tired of my tirade on apologies, but this is a big topic with lots of angles to cover.

I was thinking more broadly about apologies, and I recalled a time when someone once said to me “Just stop apologising all the time, just stop!” You can guess what I said, can’t you?! Haha Yeah, I said it! But it baffled me why it angered this person so much, when that was the exact thing I was trying to avoid?

That in of itself says something though, doesn’t it? Yeah, ok it says that particular friend was a bitch and I am not sorry for saying so! Haha But I think the reason it angered her so much was because it lost meaning when I over used it. Maybe she felt I used it as a power play to try and gather sympathy instead of her wrath? Or maybe she felt I used it as a tool to get out of jail too quickly, guilty or otherwise? Or maybe she wanted me to fight back. I suspect she did. I wasn’t interested in fighting with her. She never forgave me for it, and my last word to her was “sorry.” She never spoke to me again. I just didn’t get it.

She wasn’t wrong. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand that if you say sorry for things you didn’t do, people question how genuine you are about anything. Like the time her salad didn’t arrive at work and so I got her a different salad instead and she was so mad. Apologising made it worse. “Why are you sorry?!” She practically spat the demand at me. “Because I bought you a salad?” I timidly answered her. “No!” She cried, face beet red. “You’re not sorry for that, you thought that was a kind thing to do, didn’t you?” I shrugged, but I totally did think it was a kind thing to do, I just wasn’t sure what answer she wanted to hear. Her lunch didn’t arrive, I got her something else instead. I didn’t see the problem, but it was clear that she did. I was sorry that I had upset her, but the fact that I didn’t understand why she was upset was ultimately the problem.

Now I am much older and wiser I can surmise that she was upset because I fixed her problem for her, and she didn’t want or need me to do that. That I made a decision for her without consulting her. That she then felt badly about this salad I had burdened her with. And that I was implying she couldn’t handle minor stresses. To be honest, all of that is true. Honestly, I knew she was going to be upset her lunch didn’t come and I didn’t want her to be upset. So, I was trying to control the outcome, both with my actions and the apology. I was using an apology to end the confrontation. I just wanted it to stop!

Anyway, what is my point? My point is that often times we apologise, or alternatively, accept an apology too quickly in order to feel more comfortable, even if we don’t yet feel happy with the outcome. It can serve as a way to avoid accountability and sweep issues that need to be addressed under the carpet for later. It isn’t healthy.

When I spoke to a close friend about my (ex)friend, and the out of the blue amends she sent me, my friend said she thought I had accepted the apology and given forgiveness too freely, and reflected on all the times she had done the same. Because an apology comes with this concept of automatic forgiveness, doesn’t it? And forgiveness is thought to be the key to inner peace, so we all try and jump on it.

I agree that an apology puts forgiveness on the timeline of the perpetrator when it should be on the timeline of the victim. And I also agree that forgiveness is vital to inner peace.

I forgive my (ex)friend. Honestly, I do. Not only because I believed her apology, and not only because I understand why she ended our friendship even though it hurt me when she did, because she was right, I did not deserve it. However, the main reason I forgive my (ex)friend, is because I liked her. I like her still. In my heart I still consider her a friend, and with that comes the act of forgiveness.

I accept our friendship is over, however I let it go with peace and love. I forgave her with or without the apology and if I didn’t, the apology would have made little difference. I forgave her because I chose to. Before she said anything and without letting her know I forgave her.

Although I have no way of knowing if she received my response of forgiveness granted, and even less ways of knowing if she reads this blog still, I tried to respond to offer forgiveness because I do not want her to continue to feel bad about something she cannot change. About something that hurt me at the time but no longer hurts me. Although we are no longer friends, my forgiveness is the only final act of friendship I can offer her. I don’t want her to hate herself because she thinks that I hate her or think less of her.

Besides, her apology perhaps was less about ending our friendship and more about the way in which she chose to end it. But, if you are reading this (ex)friend, there is no nice, good or kind way to end things. You can trust that I know it does not reflect who you are as a person, and I free you of the burden of worrying what I think of you.

Not that what I think of you should matter anymore, but if that is the last gift I can give you, then I give it freely. What is friendship without forgiveness? Friendship is a series of forgiving people for their indiscretions. It is agreeing to disagree, for the greater good. It is attempting to understand different perspectives, priorities, values and circumstances. It is trying to keep hold of the positive and see the beauty in the negative. It is accepting that nobody is perfect and making allowances to give them freedom to be who they really are. It is putting your friendship, and indeed your friend before your feelings at times and loving them more when they least deserve it, because that is when they need it most.

The moment you cannot forgive, even if you cannot forget, the friendship is over.

Not all things can or should be forgiven, but choose your battles wisely! Forgiveness is for you, but ultimately, forgiveness is the gift I give myself. You cannot hurt me anymore. That is the gift I give us both.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sorry, Not Sorry?

Sticking with our theme of apologies this week, I wanted to discuss the timing of an apology, and maybe what we should feel and say instead of sorry?

In discussing apologies with my friend who refuses to issue them, I wanted her to explain to me why she doesn’t apologise. I was hoping she would offer some deep insight into her beliefs on the matter. Turns out that while she agrees with my ideas behind a validation in the aggrieved person’s feelings, being more useful and less manipulative than an apology, she does not apologise either because she is not sorry, because she believes she will repeat the behaviour, or because she struggles to admit fault. I admire her honesty here. Basically, if I am upset that she didn’t respond to my message for a week, that is my problem and she doesn’t give a damn if I walk away over it. Noted. Haha

Anyway, although she didn’t offer insight that I was hoping for, she did add that she felt timing was important in an apology. If you are truly remorseful, the apology will genuinely tumble out of your mouth instantly. Take an accident for example where you accidentally knock over an old lady in the shopping centre. Naturally you apologise and help her up to correct the action. And in this case that is really the only acceptable course of events. She may or may not be angry with you about your carelessness, but regardless, you still feel badly about it for the rest of the day and there is nothing you can do but sit with that feeling. However if you wait a very long time to apologise, chances are you are doing it for yourself and not for the other party.

Why should this be different when talking about friends? If you have acted poorly in a way that has hurt, offended, upset or angered a friend, it stands to reason that you should feel bad about it. They do, why shouldn’t you. If they accept your apology, you are more comfortable, but nothing can go back in time and undo your action to make them more comfortable, can it?

Saying sorry can be a reaction. I apologise if I bump into a lamp post. I apologise when people bump into me. I am not sorry; it is a reflex almost. Saying sorry only serves to acknowledge something happened. Saying oops would be just as accurate really, wouldn’t it? Less socially acceptable bit more honest.

An apology, we like to assume is a person taking ownership for the fact that something they said or did (or maybe even something they didn’t say or do, like answer your message! Haha) hurt you in some way. We like to think it means that they care, and yes, we want to know that they understand exactly specifically what they did and how it hurt us. But one word does not cover all of that.

Let’s examine the conversation between myself and the non-apologiser.

Me:  “Damn, we can’t use that voucher you got me on a Friday like we planned. Shall I just go with someone else?” (Context – she bought me a lunch voucher for my birthday and we planned to go on a Friday which was the only day we were both available before it expired. The voucher was only valid Monday to Thursday. As we were not going to be able to use it together, I wanted to make sure she was ok with me using it with someone else, and I planned to use it in 2 days’ time with a different friend, if it was ok with her.)

Her: SILENCE for the following week (Context she read the message shortly after I sent it. It is not uncommon for her to not text back and just call me later on the way home from work to discuss, so I did not expect an instant reply.)

HER: (a week later) “I thought I replied. Thank you for trying to book Friday, but you take someone else. Xx”

HER: “OMG I totally thought I sent that message on Friday, I was not myself last week. 2.5 days off work, sick. Couldn’t even get out of bed.” (Context, message sent on Sunday evening after she returned from a camping trip where she posted photos of herself on social media not looking at all unwell. I messaged her the Monday before.)

HER: “You will be thinking I don’t love you. ☹”

HER: “How was your night away?”

HER: “And the rest of your weekend? (all messages sent on the same day and time)

ME: “I don’t like it when you don’t reply to my messages. You already know this. I especially don’t like it when the very last conversation we had before that was you being upset that your other friend didn’t reply to your message.”

HER: “I know! Like I said, I thought I had replied. I wasn’t intentionally ignoring you.”

I could go on, but you get the gist of it. She tried to apologise in a very round about way, and I made it clear that I was not ready to forgive her behaviour which I found unacceptable. Drama queen, I know!! Haha But this is not the first time this friend has done this, and it is not the first time I have felt disregarded, disrespected and generally unimportant to this friend. (Because friendships are lower on her priority list than mine, not because I personally am unimportant to her, if that makes sense?)

I did not like that she did not apologise, but when I reflect on it further, she acknowledged what she did in not replying, explained her reasons, validated the messages she knew I took from her silence and reassured me that she was not intentionally hurting me. It has accountability, without telling me I was over reacting (although we ALL know she totally thinks that!) and she did not pressure me not to feel that way. She let me be mad. She didn’t assume responsibility for fixing it, she knew I would get over it in my own time. Or not. She did not try and control the outcome.

It isn’t lost on me that this is because she doesn’t give a damn, she did not feel especially bad, and if I am going to be dramatic, she would rather I walk away than deal with my crap. It also isn’t because she is a master at apologies or has some deeper understanding that I am yet to learn. Except that maybe she does and she just doesn’t know it yet?

I value this friend because she frustrates me, because I do not understand her, because we are so different. She challenges me personally; she pushes my limits and perceptions and the ways I view the world because she sees it so opposite to me. Of course, we have loads in common too and we can relate on stuff that matters to us both, not to mention that we love to laugh. But she is prepared to look at herself with me too, to have these awkward conversations about why she is so stubborn and non-apologetic, and trusts I am analysing not criticising or judging her. Hell, she turns a blind eye to what I write about her here, and it isn’t always pretty. And I don’t apologise for it either! Lol

Anyway, maybe we could learn from her. Instead of issuing meaningless apologies, we can state what we did, and how we imagine it made the other person feel. We can even say we feel badly that we hurt them. But perhaps instead of saying “sorry” instead we should say “but I deserve to feel as bad as you for as long as you feel bad, so I won’t put the onus on you to forgive me before you are ready. I will try and be better though, because I do care about you and our friendship?”

Thoughts?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Reconciliations, Apologies, Accountability and Making Amends.

Last week I shared with you the brief story of a friend I made, then parted ways with a few years later and didn’t speak. After a few years of silence, I reached out and we made a second attempt at our friendship, which also ultimately failed. After almost another year of silence, this person reached out to me again, to make amends. She wanted to give me the apology she felt she owed me for hurting my feelings and abandoning our friendship, although she was also NOT interested in rekindling our friendship a third time.

Who knew friendships could be this complicated?! Haha I certainly know how to pick ‘em, that is for sure. (Actually, I clearly do not, which is ironically the point of this blog!) At the end of that post, I began to question the authenticity of apologies. Both the one from my friend, and the concept in general.

I want to start by sharing the story of a close friend of mine who is incapable of apologising. In our latest tiff, my friend read a message whereby I asked her a simple question (that I actually wanted to know the answer to asap because it impacted my immediate plans) and she left me on read for a week. Didn’t bother to answer me. When she did, she made her excuses, acknowledged that I would be upset and justified that she thought she had actually responded. To be clear to you, and to her, I did not believe a word of any of it. Even if she did forget to reply to me, that is actually not ok with me, and I wanted an apology. I did not get one. It upset me more.  So, I obviously do put stock in the apology as a concept, although it isn’t necessary, it goes a long way in repairing bonds.

I only started re-evaluating this idea when I received the email from my (ex)friend to apologise but not reconcile. Her apology did not change anything, therefore did it mean anything to me? I believe my friend was genuinely remorseful for her actions that hurt me, that was never in doubt. But it felt hurtful in many ways for her to reach out and acknowledge that her lack of presence in my life was hurtful and for that she was sorry, then promptly state that she was not re-engaging in our friendship though. So, you came back to say sorry for leaving, only to leave again and remind me that you left and I am still not good enough to be a “chosen one” in your life. Cool? Not.

I had closure. Things were closed. I felt I had instated a healthy boundary by refusing to be her support person for issues with a partner who despised me as it was, only to be readily discarded like I was the least valuable person in her life, or certainly the most disposable. If she chose not to engage at all with me because I set a healthy boundary for myself, I was ok with that. I felt good about our ending. All that was taken away when she apologised.

In effect I had to forgive her, although I felt I already had, and she got to be the one to officially end what was already over. Technically she ended it both times anyway, but initially she ended it because I refused to do what she expected. The second time she ended it because I forgave her? Or in spite of it? It kind of felt like my power was removed and threw me back into victim mentality.

It also made me question my first apology to her, and if I had done that for her, or for myself. Honestly, I suppose it was for me in retrospect. I didn’t feel good about ending things without telling her things I felt she needed to know. I felt I fed her to the wolves and left her to bleed out and I didn’t feel that sat well with my values, so I wanted to appease my guilt about it. And as such, I offered the support I felt I always should have. I wanted to change our ending to one that made me look and feel better, and now, she was repaying the favour, but with no follow through.

What is an apology without follow through? Empty words. A person’s actions will always tell you what you need to know. I was sorry and I wanted to be there to make it up to her. When she was sorry it was pretty words on paper, but no way of changing the outcome for me. Instead, she just opened the wound? Good intentions perhaps…. but they pave the road to hell, right?

So maybe the friend in the first part of the story was on to something when she refused to apologise. She knows she will do this to me again. She probably did it because she doesn’t believe leaving me hanging for a response is a big deal. She knows it sends me a message that I am unimportant to her, and she wishes I didn’t see it that way, but she understands that I do. She allows me to be mad about it but ultimately, she leaves it up to me to forgive and forget in my own time.

An apology serves not only as a promise to change your behaviour, because if you do not the apology is not worth the paper on which it is written or the breath with which it was spoken. However, it also serves to appease the wrongdoer’s guilt (should they feel any) and rush the victim of the wrongdoings into a decision on how they want to proceed.

We are not really taught that it is acceptable to refuse an apology, wait until it is proven or rectified, or simply state that we appreciate the words however we are not yet ready to forgive and forget and we need more time to process what has happened and heal from it.

I have been guilty of this, as aforementioned, without even really being aware of my selfish motivations.

Image by Erika Krull, the cake library. https://www.joincake.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-an-apology/

So next time you ask for an apology or expect one, consider what it will change and why you want it so much, and next time you want to give one, really question what you are hoping for in return. Forgiveness may not be granted, and if nothing will actually change for the recipient is it kinder not to say anything at all and bring it all back up for them?

I suspect it might be, but I can’t say for sure! I would love people to weigh in on this with their own experiences, thoughts and opinions on this subject to help us decide if apologies actually matter as much as we tend to think they do, or if they are actually quite selfish in nature? Go!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making up and Breaking up…. AGAIN! Can Friends be on again off again?

This time 2 years ago, I posted about reconciliations; reconnecting with an old friend after a few years apart and how wonderful that was. It was. If you want to read the post, you can access it here, but if you can’t be bothered, the quick rundown was this.

My friend and I actually met through her partner. I was friends with her partner first and they introduced us. We hit it off really well and for a while it was great hanging with all 3 of us, until the partner started being dishonest with my new friend and kind of put me in a very difficult position where I had crossed loyalties. In the end I exited the situation with both of them. The partner was not interested in being honest and expected my support and loyalty as I had known them first. The new friend was not interested in hearing anything negative about the partner, so I couldn’t watch it all go down. I left them both to figure it out the hard way. Not saying that was the best approach, it probably wasn’t, but it is what I chose to do.

After a few years passed, I saw the friend on a social media platform we both used, and her profile indicated that things were over between her and the partner, so I thought it was safe to re-engage. However, it ended up putting said friend in a difficult position as the partner and I never reconciled our friendship and by all accounts they remained pretty angry about our parting. The partner was not in fact out of my friend’s life completely, it had become more of a complicated entanglement than I thought. My friend wanted my support and I wanted to offer it to her, however it was more like a weird friendship affair. (It is amazingly strange how often I appear to end up in these situations! Haha)

So we proceeded to try and have a friendship as much as was possible “behind closed doors” and things actually went pretty well, until we got caught, obviously. Then that was the end of that. My friend once again left my life. It was really painful and sudden, but I can hardly say unexpected, can I? After a brief period, my friend wanted to re-engage with me, and I explained that I understood her predicament, and I wanted to continue our friendship, however we could no longer be as close or be as communicative as we once had been. I couldn’t be her support person only to be tossed aside, after I had finally made a tough decision to “choose a side” – something I initially tried not to do. I chose the wrong side perhaps, because I do think the partner would have been more loyal to me than I was to her in the end.

Anyway, I digress. My friend agreed to communicate on a more casual basis with me, then promptly ghosted me. I can’t say I was surprised or even all that upset as I had already come to the conclusion that we could not be close anyway and I understand the pain and emptiness a person feels when they are downgraded a friend level. There is no nice way to say “let’s be less close” because it doesn’t feel nice to hear or deal with. My friend would rather not have me in her life at all than have me as a shell of what we once had. I have been there. I totally get it. I left it alone, and I did not even blog about it…… so why now?

After quite some time had passed, maybe 6 to 8 months or so post ghosting me, my friend reached out. She wanted to make amends, to apologise for treating me poorly or hurting my feelings. I was surprised. For starters I did not really feel an apology was necessary because there were no hard feelings. I had reached closure. I understood what transpired between us and that we parted ways circumstantially more than because of any hard feelings or wrong doings.

I could see value in her accountability; however, it didn’t change anything between us. In her apology my friend made it quite clear she was not seeking friendship or communication from me, only wanting to state her case.

Regardless, I attempted to respond to explain I forgave her, I understood and offer my own apology and accountability for re-entering her life without invitation in the first place. I wished her well in her life and thanked her for the friendship we had shared, both times. But I got an error message when I tried to send it, so perhaps she blocked my communication, I guess I will never know. I know that it felt good to part ways on good terms, and my sentiments when I read her message and tried to reply were warm.

However, by the next morning, I felt more unsettled by the events. Not angry, but confused. An apology is words, an amends suggests you want to right the wrong, does it not? Why bother apologising for dumping me twice, only to contact me a third time to make an apology but essentially dump me a third time? What did I get out of that apology? Was it even for me? Or was it for her? To appease her own guilt? To make her feel better about the impression of herself that she left with me?

Which leads me to question, are apologies actually important, or manipulative?

More on that next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Year, New Level?

I have posted friendship resolutions in the past, making new friendships, reaching out to reconcile with old ones and even making a new you for new year. This year, I want you all to have a close look at your current friendships and which ones you could possibly deepen to a new level.

I say this because many of the beautiful connections I have shared with friends appear to have happened quite some time after we became friends. I am sure it is perfectly normal for friendships to take time to grow, as the timing is right, but I can’t help but wonder if they wouldn’t have developed at all had we both not been open to levelling up!

One friend, for example, I had known for around 10 years before we became close. And now that we are closer, I reflect back on the potential I missed all those years ago to take this friendship to the next level, and the benefits to having had this closeness in my life all along.  That didn’t happen, mostly because I suppose I wasn’t open to it. I didn’t embrace it and give it mindful attention, time and nurturing. Yet as soon as I did, it was almost like this person had been waiting for me to be ready the whole time.

Most grow if you are mindful about watering them!

So I want to ask you to really examine your friendships and acquaintances and consider taking each of them to a newer deeper level. Not all will flourish, as both parties really have to be ready for the change, however the ones that do grow into something deeper might change your life in really unexpected ways.

So maybe there is a group of people you see, as a group. Perhaps you could ask a few of them individually to meet up in a different context one on one? Or, for example, ask one of your children’s friend’s mothers for a play date at yours, saying you will provide coffee and cake to chat over while the kids play. It might mean opening up a little more to someone you usually only discuss gardening with and seeing what else you might have in common, or offering to help someone you don’t know too well just because you can and you like them.

It doesn’t mean every person you talk to has to know your whole life story or that every person needs to be a best friend, just that each friend has an opportunity to advance past their current level on your friend ladder. You might be surprised at who is there for you more than you expected!

Friendships ebb and flow, so it’s likely you had a friend with whom you used to be closer, however now feel less close. Is there any way you could be more mindful about restoring that connection, not to what it once was, but further than it currently is?

I suppose what I am suggesting is to make more time to purposefully reach out to those around you and build connections. Prioritise your social connections, as they really matter. In the last few years, my parents have moved into a retirement village. Initially I was concerned for them, separation from old friends, changes to routine, less space and certainly less privacy. However it has been magical to watch their social worlds bloom, their calendar filled with all sorts of new people, new events and new connections.

So this advice is applicable to all people of all ages and stages, just to notice who is around you, to do something nice to foster your bond, to show interest, make invitations, deepen conversations and really be there for one another.

As the world starts opening up again, let’s all start to open our hearts and minds more along side it. Embrace the people in your life, because as my parents have demonstrated, at the end of the day, the people are what makes life fun and interesting. Work will end, children will grow up and take on lives of their own, and soon all you will have left is each other. So make it count this year, and every year thereafter!

Happy New Years Folks, however you are spending it, I hope it is with your friends!!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas is here; bring you and yours Cheer!

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas eve, and like many of you, I am probably busy with last minute Christmas details, cleaning, baking, looking at Christmas lights. But yet, I am still posting here today. Which is what I have been getting at this past month…. With planning and preparation, you can make time, ahead of time, to give time, when you have no time to give!! Now there is a tongue twister. What that means is I wrote this in advance and posted it! Haha

And because I know you all have better things to do than read my blog today, I will keep it short and sweet!

Merry Christmas Readers. Thanks for all the new followers who have joined me over on Facebook, you have really lifted my Christmas Spirit this year and it is the best gift I could ask for… except for Friendship, obviously.

Tomorrow is the day to sit back and enjoy the fruits of all your planning if it comes into fruition….. or maybe it will be more like the image below, but even if it is, I hope you can see the funny side. There is always next year!!

Merry Christmas!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Including Solo Friends in Your Christmas

EEK! Christmas is just over a week away! All your hard work is about to come into fruition to make this Christmas feel just as special as any other, even if it looks and feels a little different this year. We all deserve it after a hard year, and we all need some festive cheer.

Many families will still be separated this year, and many people stare down the barrel at a potentially lonely Christmas. Depending on the restrictions in place where you live, maybe you will be able to celebrate with neighbours or local friends if family is not nearby for either of you. And although it may not be quite the same, perhaps it will be refreshing to spend the holidays with fresh faces.

Perhaps including our friends instead of just family will become a new tradition. Maybe getting out of the old familiar routine could introduce us to fun new ways of celebrating that we never thought of before. These are the sorts of things that plant the seeds of change.

However, each year, and this year in particular, most of you will know someone facing the prospect of a pretty lonely day. I have in fact posted about this before, but maybe if you too are less busy due to isolation, border closures and other restrictions, this will be the year you have the chance to make a change.

This could be the year you have time to phone a friend who is alone after the Christmas morning rush and before the lunch and dinner begins. It could be the year you have the chance to make a meaningful slideshow of yourself and your friend set to Christmas tunes to show you are thinking of them? Maybe it will be the year you finally have time to send a Christmas cracker joke or 2?

Or maybe this year you are just as busy as every other year, in which case, as with my other post planning is essential. Pre-prepare said slideshow and send it on Christmas eve so they wake to something special on Christmas day. Pre record a video of yourself talking about your friendship, your favourite memories and thanking them for being in your life. Acknowledge that Christmas is going to be hard for them this year and you wanted to try and bring some life into it for them. Send it after lunch. Set a reminder in your phone.

Your friend who is alone may not have much to do, so create a word puzzle where the letters not found spell out a secret message, and make that message lead to another puzzle, like open your email. In the email you could attach another puzzle, a recipe you know they will have the ingredients to make, a link to an online story or book, or instructions to them to record you a video of themselves doing something hilarious. Whatever fits your friendship.

What is important is giving your friend consistent attention throughout the day in ways that don’t cost you too much. If you have time for a long phone chat then absolutely do it, however if you don’t have time, it is a good idea to make up for in effort what you can’t offer in time. Your friend will appreciate the effort even if the execution goes a little awry!

I think these little pre-planned gestures go a long way in showing your friend you cared, without making them feel like a burden or a charity case. It is important they know this comes from a place of caring and not pity. This is especially important if your friend often spends Christmas solo, as he or she likely has their own routine of how they like to spend the day and too much intrusion may not be welcomed.

If it is you who happens to be spending Christmas alone this year, send this article on to your friends! Haha

By the time I write again it will be Christmas Eve. So I hope you have a wonderful holiday no matter how you spend it or who you spend it with and you get a chance to see your friends and family soon.

Happy Holidays Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Time To Plan Time Together.

So last week we talked about planning your gifts for your friends and how to show through gifting that they are important to you, special and worth the time and effort. Now the second week of December has rolled around (already!!) it is time to start planning the get togethers to exchange the gifts.

So, my first suggestion is a café or restaurant, if you can get a booking. This removes the stress of anyone having to host the event, cater and clean up before and after. Unless you love hosting, some people do; and that is their way of showing love and care. I love those people. But I am not one of them, so a restaurant or café works better for me personally. Except, as mentioned earlier, bookings are hard to come by not to mention the price tag at an already expensive time of year.

Which brings me to my next suggestion. If you live in Australia, or other parts of the world with nice summer weather at Christmas, a picnic in the park is a great idea. Everyone brings a plate, and those who can’t get a sitter can bring the kids. You can get someone’s father to dress as Father Christmas and make a whole CHEAP event out of it. One of the pro’s of living in Australia, although I admit snow is more festive!  What if you do live in a place where Christmas falls in winter, I hear you ask?

Good question! Usually, community halls can be rented for a small fee, a church space, a library conference room or even better an indoor playground?

Now, it is not lost on me that with the pandemic very much still all around us, that many of you are suffering lockdowns and social distancing. Of course, there is the standard group calls, facetime and group chats. And those can be just as good because nobody has to get out of their pj’s or their warm bed if you live in cold places in order to socialise.

If you cannot meet in person, for whatever reason, maybe make a game where each person has to guess your perfect gift idea then you post it after they have guessed. Alternatively, if they do not live alone, it is a great idea to post it to someone they live with and ask them to hide the gift somewhere in their house and you will give them clues over the phone until they find it.

Of course, this is much more about the time, the conversation and the connections than the gifts. So with everyone chatting it could be an ideal time to each share a family recipe followed by special memories of the dish over the years. Like the dumpling my mum used to make with a hidden coin inside, everyone wanted to find the $2! Haha It was a family favourite and brings back fond memories. Most people have a dish that brings a story to mind.

If cooking isn’t your thing, sharing wrapping tips, decorating or crafting or exchanging gift ideas for parents, children, partners and coworkers is usually useful. Not that you need my suggestions for topics of conversation, but the point is to have at least one point of discussion on the festivities that is positive, because we tend to get bogged down in the responsibilities of it all and forget the joy. It is meant to be a celebration.

And there are still ways you can work together as a team. Maybe you are really great at making wreaths and your friend bakes a mean Christmas cake…. Can you make 2 of each and find a way to swap one for the other? 

Christmas can be a stressful time of year, so let your friends be the people who bring some joy and cheer back into it. Send each other “Elf Yourself” videos or funny Christmas memes, sing bad karaoke to classic Christmas tunes or even just plan the perfect Christmas catch up that you WILL host as soon as you can even if that is August!

Give your friends the gift of your time and attention this year. Give them a smile, hope, something to look forward to and help each other remember this is a celebration even if it feels different.

So, go get planning your get togethers, future or present, and make it festive, fun and funny!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Time To Plan For Your Pals

I cannot quite believe that the end of 2021 is already upon us. Although many of you may be in agreeance that the end of this year cannot come soon enough, is it just me or does time seem to accelerate each year that we age?

When I was little, Santa came but once a year on Christmas eve, and then there was a WHOLE year before he made his visit again. But as an adult, it never ends! As soon as spring rolls around subtle hints and Christmas decorations start landing in stores, until Halloween, after which it just totally explodes. Then you have the after Christmas sales where the bargain hunters gather to get supplies ready for the next year. Those don’t really die down until Easter, and almost as soon as that has passed, the end of year financial sales and toy stores start advertising layby now for Christmas, and it's all on from there.

Luckily, I love Christmas and this time of year makes me happy. I love planning the perfect gift for my friends, carefully wrapping it and watching the joy on their faces as they open the surprise. Many people think it is frivolous to buy gifts for one’s friends at Christmas. They are so weighed down by the pressures of cooking and hosting and buying gifts for family, not to mention the secret Santa at work, that they forget that gifting is a love language.

It isn’t the size of the gift, or the expense, but the thought that went into it that counts. If you know your friend loves lemon squares but they have allergies and can’t find any they can enjoy, and you find a recipe hidden on the internet and make it for them, that demonstrates that you listened. You knew what they loved and you spent time considering their wants and needs then went to the effort of making it for them. That is love.

If you know that your friend loves designer bags and you find one in a charity shop in good condition, that is just as meaningful as buying it new, because you had to search for it and keep your friend in mind.

This is my first December post this year. So this is the time to make a list of your friends and pop down some idea’s of what you could get for them that would make them feel loved and appreciated. It might be as simple as a jar filled with notes outlining all the reasons that you love them, to something as elaborate as a treasure hunt for a friend who might be alone and lonely on the day itself.  Some people like to give a matching diary or calendar (or a personalised one) with 12 catch up dates already pre-planned in each one – the gift of time.

Now is also the time to start jotting down some nice sentiments you can write in their cards too, another way of putting a little more effort into things and personalising the experience. It doesn’t have to be all soppy if that isn’t their (or your) style. It can be a few jokes or memories that make you both smile, because the real gift is cheer!

It is definitely the time to start planning any get togethers you want to plan this month. Start looking at your schedule and reaching out before everyone gets too busy. It doesn’t really matter if you catch up in the first week of December or mid-January, but put those plans in place and make it happen. Even if it means breakfast when you are not a morning person or a late night when you need to be up early for work or with the kids. You have to make the time, make the sacrifice, it is worth it!

I hear you all thinking you would love to have the time. Sighing collectively from your respective houses all over the world! Haha But here is the thing. You do have time. You have a whole month. You have those late nights you are up scrolling to scroll for ideas. You have to find time and or make time. And as the real Christmas spirit is giving, I promise this effort is a reward in itself. You will be just as excited to give the gift as you would be to receive one.

Even if all you have gifted your friend is a gift card, because it is honestly what they would want or need, find a fun way to present it to them. Lots of boxes inside of boxes. Or a riddle that takes them to the next spot where a different riddle is located until they find it. Or a joke like hiding it inside a sex toy box to give them a giggle.

Effort is meaningful. It creates connection. It starts with thought, so this is the time to start thinking and planning!

Don’t forget to share your ideas!!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Giving Thanks To My Friends In Honour of Thanksgiving

Yesterday some parts of the world celebrated Thanksgiving. While it is not something we celebrate here in Australia, it is still worth reflecting on all the things in our lives for which we are grateful. While necessities such as clean drinking water and ample food are definitely up there, friendships are not far behind on the list of things for which I need to give thanks.

In honour of the tradition here is a list of things for which I would like to thank my friends.

Thank you to those of you who hear what I do not say. For those of you intuitive enough to feel the shifts in energy when I am feeling low and care enough to make sure I am ok. Which brings me to my next point.

Thank you to you all for providing that safe space to express myself, for listening to my fears and worries and providing much needed love, guidance and support.

Thank you for the time you take out of your busy lives to stop for a moment with me and enjoy a drink, a meal, a show or an activity.

Thank you for all the laughter, the smiles, the good times and fond memories.

Thank you for all the services you have offered, from babysitting to grabbing something at the shops for me, to picking me up in emergencies, or driving us to the airport at ridiculous hours.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me too, for allowing me to support you, celebrate you and really know you in an unfiltered way.

Thank you for welcoming me into your homes, families and lives and providing that extra network that a smaller family cannot always offer.

Thank you for the birthday gifts, celebrations, gestures and warm words.

Thank you for always sticking by me through the up’s and downs.

Thank you for the graciousness and forgiveness and understanding you have offered in times of need.

Thank you for never judging me behind my back, and holding me accountable to my face.

Thank you for loving me, just the way I am.

Thank you for inspiring me to be better, and bringing diversity into my world.

Thank you for being you and for being part of my happiness.

Thank you for being my friend.

Today I give thanks to my friends; past present and future as each and every one of you brought joy and meaning into my life. Some painful lessons along the way perhaps,  but I loved every single one of you and I am grateful for the part you played in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll! Now money cannot buy friends, but it can buy you a bunch of bargains in the Black Friday Sales! Happy Shopping too! haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Lip service; Hearing Versus Listening

Sitting across from a good friend at a regular catch up, I filled her in on the latest in my life. My second covid vaccination symptoms, my son’s first appointment, my upcoming hotel stay for my birthday with a friend, and my new ring, to name a few. She updated me on the various appointments in her life, travel plans and car issues.  We discussed the menu, reminisced over a divine cheesecake we had at a café a few months back and laughed over her accidentally dropping some custard into my water.

After some time, conversation steered towards the kids, as our chats tends to do, and then expanded to parents, siblings and other extended family. I asked about her relative in hospital, and she asked about my Father’s Day plans, and shared her own. All very normal chit chat.

After we left that day, I popped a reminder in my phone to follow up on a medical issue she was having, and when Father’s Day rolled around, I said I hoped her car issues were resolved in time to get around to the various places. She responded by asking me what my plans were. Although we already covered that, I repeated my plans and we signed off and arranged to catch up again the following week.

When the catch up rolled around, just after Father’s Day, my friend again asked me what I did for Father’s Day! And again, I just told her, and listened to how her day went. I let it go, assuming she brought it up in order to actually talk about what happened with them rather than hear about my less than thrilling plans once again.

Later in the conversation she asked if I intended to get vaccinated, and I told her that I had already been vaccinated. She asked me about my symptoms, and I repeated them. She asked if I planned to get the kids vaccinated when they were eligible. Internally rolling my eyes, I reminded myself that she has a lot on her plate at the moment and can’t be expected to retain silly little details of my life.  Which is true, right?

Except this is common with this friend. She is funny and engaging and I enjoy our time together, but she is also self-involved, and one of these types of people who hears you when you talk but is never actually listening, not really. I am more of an audience for her than a reciprocal conversation. As I am a willing audience, because her life does tend to be more interesting than my own, I let it go.

Initially I thought this friend was wonderful because she asked all the right questions and was so warm and engaging and fun. It took a while for me to realise that everything isn’t what it seems and much of it was little more than lip service. I won’t lie, it was a disappointing realisation, and it took many experiences like this to accept the reality of the situation.

Initially I found it hard to enjoy our friendship after that and it seemed entirely one sided, however I also always seemed to have fun in her company. We enjoyed similar foods and activities, and we laughed a lot. And she valued me because I do listen to her, actively. And I had to acknowledge that she was not going to change. I had to accept her and our friendship the way that it was. I had to stop believing she was listening even when she asked me questions, and know that was her way of introducing a new topic she wanted to discuss.

After I accepted this about my friend, and stopped expecting her to actively listen, 2 things happened. The first was the sense of disappointment disappeared. I was once again able to enjoy her company, and the show she was putting on for my entertainment. The second was that I learned the value of a more light hearted friendship. To tolerate less deep and meaningful conversation, and to really understand the mismatch between levels of connection, and how they develop.

I read once that under 50 percent of best friendships are reciprocated (or something like that.) Meaning that the person you consider a best friend is highly unlikely to consider you theirs, even if they don’t tell you that to your face. Which they usually don’t, because, well, awkward! Haha

My friend considers me a best friend, because she can share with me on a deeper level when she feels the need, and I relate to much of what she is saying. I can validate her feelings and reassure her, and yet we can have a laugh often. I understand what it is that makes me a best friend of hers. However, I honestly think she would be shocked and offended to find I do not feel the same way. Because she tries to be a best friend. She has all the right words, but they are empty.

At the end of the day, her actions speak the truth. Because actions always speak louder than words. And that is the truth. It isn’t always obvious when someone isn’t listening, because they appear to be engaging. But first impressions can be deceiving. Pay close attention. Pun intended!

I am not insinuating that my friend doesn’t care about me. I know without a doubt that she does. I know if I needed someone or something I could turn to her for help, she would come and pick me up at midnight if I needed it. She is in no way a bad friend. She is consistent, fun, affectionate and loyal. And she keeps a secret right? Haha

What I am saying is that I had to accept my friend as she is and not hold her inability to listen to me against her. I have to acknowledge that she tries, she wants to hear me and that is why she asks in the first place. Same as she has to accept that I am not the acts of service friend. I won’t lend money and more often than not I won’t watch the kids. If she held that against me, that would be a real shame, because those traits are unlikely to change either.

True friendship is accepting each other and enjoying what each of you DOES bring to the table and politely overlooking what they don’t, even when it irritates you. It is lowering your expectations, and maybe, to an extent your investment. Not necessarily in them as a person but in them being exactly what you want a “best friend” to be or what qualifies as one.

I am honoured to be my friend’s best friend, and even if I don’t attach the same label to it as she does, it doesn’t mean I value her any less because of that.  It means this is a perfect example of why we need at least 5 best friends, rather than expecting one to meet every need.

Hearing is not the same as listening, hearing is a sense, listening is an action. Your friendships might not depend on it, but the quality of them might. If you want it to be reciprocal, make sure your actions back up what you hear to prove you listened.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx