Need Friends, not Needy Friends.

So, here in Australia it is Summer, and therefore the long Summer end of year school holidays are upon us. As such, I take refuge in the air-conditioned cinemas with the kids as much as I can, if only for the 2 hours peace it offers! Haha!! This idea is not unique to me, and thankfully the movie makers are aware of my predicament and choose to capitalize on it by releasing as many kids movies as possible over these holidays. I’m not complaining!

I can’t say I usually enjoy children’s movies. I usually find there is too much singing if nothing else. Lol However, sometimes I am pleasantly surprised, and such was the case for Wreck It Ralph Breaks The Internet. For a start, the graphics were appealing somehow, perhaps that was just the candy in the racers hair though… Lol. It was a really interesting and creative, and even amusing visual representation of the internet in a way kids could understand based on our day to day existence, and it was all about…. You guessed it… Friendships!!!!

This is actually great for kids, because these are probably the most important relationships for our children as they are growing and developing and exploring who they are as individuals. It is really important, I feel, to teach them the value of friends from a young age, and equally how to grow and change with them instead of away from them.

The movie raised an interesting question for adults too, when we want to support our friends, but doing so might lead them away from us and what we need from them. What if they want to move away for work, or study or love, for example? In the movie, the characters were best friends, who hung out together every single day. A bit like a typical “work wife” I suppose, someone who makes your life more bearable by enduring the same old routines with you and somehow making them fun.

Many of us can relate to the feeling of losing aforementioned “work wife” when greater things are calling them. It’s confronting, both because they are implementing change, which is scary and has you contemplating if you should do the same thing…. And if you aren’t ready for that…. Will you be ok without them? Just like in the kids movie, you worry about being abandoned, forgotten and lonely. Their departure will definitely leave a hole in your life, alter your routine and impact your happiness.

It is such a conundrum. We all want our friends to be happy, but it really sucks when that happiness seems to come at our own expense. In the movie, Ralph, the character who feels, or fears, he is being left behind, tries to sabotage his friends chance at happiness to keep her right where he needs her…. With him! While that is unthinkable in terms of adult life, it does actually happen. It might be a small act, like telling your newly energized health conscious friend that your cupcakes are low fat when they aren’t, or a bigger one like giving a future employer a negative character reference if you are in a position to do so. I know that is low, but it does happen!

The people who do this are generally not terrible people, they are just desperate to hold on to the people involved. On the lesser extremes, others just struggle to put their own sadness aside and be happy for their friends. (Think hoping something bad will happen to stop her plans for example, although not saying so.)  Sometimes all it takes is for our friend to reassure us nothing will change between us, and that they will miss us. Unfortunately we all know as adults that this is unrealistic and things will indeed change, which makes our feelings hard to ignore. So what are you supposed to do?  Your feelings are valid, you will miss your friend, your life won’t be the same as it was, and you will probably go through a period of transition that will be hard. However, if your friend is excited, in love, or full of hope for a promising future, dig deep and be happy for her. You can tell her you will miss her, for sure, but recognise that her leaving is not personal. It is not a rejection or abandonment, she is doing what she needs to do to grow in her life. If you allow your insecurities and fears to cloud your judgement, you may indeed become needy and clingy, causing her to pull away even more. Sometimes these fears lead us to think only about what we need from them, not what they need from us…. or as the case may be, away from us. Being a good friend means being aware of what others need from us, and hopefully your friend will be aware that you need some reassurance too.

Essentially, what your feelings are, you see, are fears. Humans fear change at the best of times, and we hate it even more when other people force change upon us. I guess we hate feeling out of control too. When you can acknowledge that what you are feeling is fear, it is easier to conquer. Sadness feels all consuming and out of our control. Fear, on the other hand, is something we can face head on.

SPOILER ALERT: In the movie, Ralph’s friend does move on to find happiness, and instead of moping around, Ralph makes new routines and friendships with others. While he used to see his little buddy every day, he now only video chats with her once a week and sees her every few months. Because he has set himself up with new routines and people and found other ways to be happy, or at least distract himself from his sadness, he manages just fine. You will too. I promise. Sometimes it takes time.

So instead of moping and being sad, acknowledge that you are also going to need to make some changes. Are there projects you will have more time for or ways you could be more proactive and productive? Are there people you have overlooked because of the comfort of always having your friend around? Can you use your lunch break to finally catch up on that book you’ve been meaning to read instead of your usual gossip or shopping trip?

Keep your expectations realistic. Know that if you want to keep in touch with your friend, it will take real effort, positivity and they will be busier than you as they readjust to their new life. Do not take it personally! Have patience, reach out, and try not to make them feel guilty for wanting different things in life. Don’t struggle against it. Change will happen.

Go with the flow.  Keep Smiling.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Unloved, or unlovable?

My New Years post was about injecting some fun into friendships. This one is about how to do just that! Unloved, or unlovable? Hopefully neither, certainly not both.  Not me, not you, not anyone…. Yet in our darkest moments most of us have pondered the question. It is not lost on me that part of my need for friendships is to feel loved, cared for, enjoyed and valued. I have come to accept that I need about 5 extra support people, outside of my marriage to keep me feeling supported, heard, understood and fulfilled.

It seems natural that we all need to feel there is a network of people we can turn to, when things are good, when things are bad, and when we need help. Sometimes we might find all of those qualities in one or more friends, other times it takes a team of specialists to keep us well oiled! Whatever your preference, if you feel tuned in, you feel happier.

However, even specialists need a break every so often. They miss things, let us down, take time out for their own lives and to see their own specialists or deal with other patients. When they do, this can trigger feelings of rejection, neglect, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, anxiety and depression. It may be that all your specialists went on vacation at a similar time, or just the one you really needed and it’s tough to treat yourself even though you know what you need!

I know I go through times when I feel so happy and healthy that my cup is overflowing with love, nothing is too much and I can conquer the world. Other times my cup is empty and it seems like nobody can or will fill it, and my need for time, love and affection is too much for anybody, everybody and I am broken. I don’t even have to have a reason.

More often than not, there isn’t one. I am ok, nothing particularly good or bad has happened, I just crave some fun quality time with my friends, and it seems nobody is able or willing to oblige. As I am usually one of their team of specialists too, maybe we have reached a point where we are both in good condition and unsure how to be of service to one another when nobody needs anything?

So what is the answer? Fun?! Too often our friendships become mechanical, common place, a service to meet a need. Just as with relationships, we get bogged down in reality, shopping, chores, errands… what needs to be done. This can’t be helped, it is all a part of life, but what I need to do, and you probably do too, is schedule some real quality time together. The best part of friendships is their potential to escape reality together for a moment.

Don’t get bogged down on who always plans what. Try to arrange an outing your friend would enjoy. Anything from a hike, to a movie, to coffee or drinks or a dayspa. Just time to relax and enjoy one another. Clear your calendar for a good block of time to just be in the moment enjoying your time together and do something that makes you put the phone down. This is maintenance we all need from time to time, and you will feel reenergized and refreshed and excited about each other again.

Try it, I promise it works. Part of the reason I sometimes feel unloved or unlovable is because my friends don’t seem enthusiastic about our time together. They may not have reached out for a while, followed up on something, or asked to spend quality time together. However, very seldom do I stop to ask myself what I have done to inspire them to do so? Have I put in any effort to make our time together a quality, fun experience? Remember the responsibility is shared. If you want quality time and attention, try and make it happen.

If you feel like you are always trying to arrange something and your friends are never interested or available, ask yourself why that may be? Are you fun to be around, or always a bit of a downer? Have you found events you can share which are enjoyable for you both? Are you asking for time that is convenient for you, but not for them? Are you asking for things that cost more than they can afford?

Try tweaking your strategy instead of giving up. If you usually ask for weeknight dinners at a restaurant, perhaps suggest a weekend pot luck brunch at your house. Or simply tell your friends, I miss you. Can we set up some quality time together soon? I really need some girl time. You will find your friends usually want this as much as you do, even if it is hard to coordinate.

I assure you, you are not alone, you are not unloved nor unlovable and there is nothing wrong with you. You just need some time, love and attention, so give yourself permission to exist and to ask for it, instead of waiting for people to come to you. Remember what they say “Give to receive” Give a little quality time and attention and see what comes back in return. You are worth it, and I am positive your friends agree!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you scaring people away?

I remember what first drew me to quite a few of my failed friendships in the past quite well. Typically the person was an open book. I really enjoyed the way they opened up to me so quickly and paved the way for fast emotional intimacy and vulnerability through sharing. There have been various reasons in my own life that made me susceptible to these types of people. Sometimes I was just lonely and craving that connection with someone. Other times I had very little personal struggle going on, and therefore nothing much of myself to share. Maybe even sometimes I felt validated as though the person could already sense that I was a trustworthy individual and good friend material. And a host of other different reasons.

It is not lost on me that along my own journey I have been somewhat of a rescuer, drawn to people who needed saving in one way or another. (Note, this is different from requiring some emotional support, as we all do from time to time.) Often the types of people I was drawn to then, would give me a green light to go ahead and start rescuing them, rewarding me with praise and putting me on a pedestal. This would satisfy both of our needs for a time, and did indeed feel wonderful.

Sadly, the thing about pedestals is that I don’t belong on one, and will soon fall down. The favours I once willingly offered, became draining and I felt resentful. Similarly my friend often felt less than, incapable and no happier or wiser than before I came along. The same intensity that brought us together would quickly burn us out.

My intentions were good, and my friends were also good people, it’s just that each of us failed to have boundaries or recognise the red flags, caught up in the whirlwind of intensity. Love grows, and blossoms, slowly over time. This is just as true in friendships as in romantic relationships. How could my friend know, without getting to know me that I was worthy of such trust? It was like a test, right at the beginning that I was desperate not to fail, triggering me into friendship rescue! Similarly how could I know that my friend was worthy of such time and effort right off the bat, or if she even needed rescuing? How could I know if she were capable of solving her own problems if I swept in to solve them for her….. how could she know?

So, how do you know if you have fallen into this pattern, from either end of the equation? Well, if you are a rescuer, you will probably identify with what I have already written, and recognise that you always seem to end up with extremely needy and exhausting friends…. Because you rushed right in. If however you are the damsel in distress, you may not even realise. A good sign is that you feel you are always friendly and open with people, yet they always seem to keep their distance from you.

If you have a tendency to be too open with people too soon, healthy people will recognise this as a boundary violation. This may confuse you, as friendships are often based on vulnerability, right? The thing is, vulnerability is shared. In the situation you are creating, you are oversharing, and they are overwhelmed and scared away. They probably don’t know what to say or do or what you expect from them, and don’t feel you have earned the type of sharing you are engaging in. Added to that, you have probably not allowed any sharing on their behalf either?!

Telling someone the first time you meet them that your partner died of lung cancer and you are about to lose your house and have nobody to turn to, for example, is too much, even if it is very true. If you need someone to talk to that badly, I suggest a trained mental health professional who may actually be in a position to link you up with useful resources, and help you deal with your grief and stress.

If you continue to give your life story to everyone you meet in the hopes of making friends, you continue to run the risk of making unhealthy connections with unhealthy people. You don’t want friends who pity you, and although support is part and parcel of friendship, it is a 2 way street. Consider what you have to offer as well as what you have to gain from potential friends.

Most  of us love talking about ourselves. Make sure you keep the conversations light at first, and share small bits of yourself slowly. Allow the other person the chance to do the same. As I am learning, you want to show interest without making someone feel interrogated, but you also want to share just enough of yourself that they are left wanting to know more.

If you are in a place where you do require help, don’t burden people early on with heavy requests. Allow them to help you in whatever small ways they can and are willing and be grateful, rather than feeling resentful that they didn’t jump to your rescue. In my experience, this does no good anyway. You need to learn to help yourself or you will always feel too heavy and burdensome to others. They will be wary of you needing too much.

This can be particularly tricky for those of you who speak the love language “services.” The way you identify friendship may need to change. I know you feel loved and cared for when people provide services to help you, but it is not the sole definition of friendship. Many others are wary of this as you may ask for too much, or they may not feel like they would ask you for, nor expect such favours.

If you can identify with either sides of this, be mindful of giving people space. Do not put people on pedestals, we all have strengths and weaknesses, and question how much you value this person compared with how well you really know them. People will always show you who they are, in time. Allow such time before you make any judgments or get too attached.

Remember it was the tortoise, not the hare, who won the race in the end.

❤ Love,
Your BestFriend ForNever
xx

Love and Laughter

You may have gathered from my posts that I have a tendency towards being a little on the intense side, always pondering and contemplating. This is something I actually like about myself, but I wont deny that it can make me a little serious, or at least it can make me come across as someone who could “lighten up” a bit.

I have always believed that intimacy was the key to friendship, and usually that is no laughing matter. Recently though, I have reached the conclusion that lighthearted banter and laughing can indeed inspire deep friendships, no less meaningful from the intense intimate ones I am used to. This really did surprise me, although it shouldn’t have I don’t suppose.

I tend to compartmentalise my friendships. The ones I really talk to, the ones I listen to, the ones in similar circumstances or with similar interests, and the ones I laugh with. That isn’t to say I never laugh with the ones I talk to or never share interest with the ones I laugh with, of course at times I do. But each friendship tends to have a dominant quality which lands it in the category it is in.  If I really need to vent I will contact someone in the first group, or if I need to chill and relax I’ll contact someone from the last 2 groups. This works for me, and I recommend it.

However, after returning home from a friend’s place last night, laden with thoughtful xmas gifts that I loved, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Not only from all the presents, and the thought and time that went into them, but also from the great night we had just shared, filled with laughter. It wasn’t that anything particularly funny had happened, yet somehow we had spent the whole night laughing.

It dawned on me that we always laugh. It doesn’t seem to matter if we are at home, at a comedy show or bingo, wherever we are, there is always laugher. Perhaps it is because we both share a heavily sarcastic sense of humour, or maybe it is because we share similar “realistic” life views, but I like to think it is just because we enjoy being together.

It certainly isn’t because we can’t talk about anything real, as I would have assumed. I love the way our real conversations are littered with lightness somehow, and once discussed the issues faced suddenly don’t seem as heavy. There isn’t judgement and each of us is free to be ourselves fully, and there is support and encouragement of each other to be the best that we can be, as people and in whatever our hearts desire.

As I reflect on friendships past, passed and lost, it is those with the most laughter that I feel I miss the most…. And I have to wonder if that is because these are the most easily lost, not because they lack value, but because I have failed to recognise their value? Perhaps I have subconsciously labelled these types of friendships as transient and easily replaceable? Certainly I am guilty of thinking these types of people don’t delve into the depths that I require to form intense bonds with them.

In reflection that really isn’t true, although it would be fair to say they open up more slowly and cautiously, using humour as an escape if things get uncomfortably deep. This is probably quite emotionally healthy and allows a balance sometimes lacking in my other connections. While I have friends to turn to when I really need to delve deep, and I love these friends more than words can express, I think I need to lighten them by making more effort to inject some fun and laughter into our time together. After all if they get too heavy, they may just sink, which would be devastating. Plus, when nobody has anything deep to share, maybe there is nothing to say?

Failing that, laugh at them! Lol And yourself! xx

There are certain friendships which seem to wane when drama or negativity escapes us, and although this ebb and flow of friendships is normal, I have to accept accountability for not making the effort to make those friendships more fun so the other person is motivated to seek out my company for entertainment not just emotional support.

I know this isn’t always possible, maybe the friends who understand you the most are not the ones with shared interests or humour, and the ones with shared humour may not always be able to provide you the intense sincerity you need at any given time. That said, it will be my new years resolution to try. To extend the friendships I have to make them even more enjoyable and well balanced.

I have always expected that love will lead to laughter, but thank you to the friends who have taught me that laughter can indeed lead to love. I love all of you, and look forward to laughing 2019 away with you soon.

Happy New Year Folks. Live, Laugh, Love.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When a friend doesn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, or show you what you want to see?!

I imagine we have all been in situations where we felt disappointed in a friend for what she said, or didn’t say, or how she responded to something we said or did. The experience can leave you feeling unheard, unseen, misunderstood and in some cases questioning the entire friendship!

Is it really fair to make people feel this way? Let people be who they are, not who you want them to be, and love them for it.

Sometimes it may be something small, like that time she suggested the dress you carefully selected looks like a night gown, and sometimes it is something that feels way bigger, like minimizing your relationship problems or not showing sympathy or support in a time of difficulty or need. All of these things can hurt, and make it seem like your friend is careless with both her words and your heart.  Added to that it can be really difficult to broach the situation without seeming like a demanding drama queen!

So, what is a girl to do? For a start, know your audience. Everyone in our lives have strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes tact may be a weakness and your friend may think she is being helpful with her blunt remarks about your style? If it really bothers you, a quick reminder that you didn’t ask for her opinion should nip this type of bluntness in the bud. If your friend is single, she may not be in the best emotional space to listen and understand about your relationship problems, especially if she is envious and feels you should be grateful just to be in a relationship. (Note this is by no means all single people, not even most.)  If she is suffering a tragedy such as a terminal illness, or the loss of a loved one, her perspective on “real problems” may have changed somewhat, and she may not realise that she is minimizing how you feel as she is too caught up in her grief.

Once you know your audience better, you will start to know which friends are the ones to turn to for certain things. I know I have friends in my circle that I can talk to, ones I can enjoy, ones I listen to, ones who’s advice I ponder and ones who I can rely on. They are all valuable and I do not expect any of them to be a jack of all trades. Keeping my expectations real has helped me not to be disappointed in people.

If you thought you knew your audience and had the same expectations as always, but your friend let you down, it may be time to stop and consider what has changed for your friend. In your need to get her to be there for you, did you neglect to be there for her? Is she ok? Is she struggling with something? It is always best to try and understand and the likeliest reason has nothing to do with you, but what is happening for her. If she was tired, irritable, not feeling well or stressed, she may have been hoping to have a fun time, and been a little resentful that you asked more of her than she had to give. Which is usually what it boils down to. The issue isn’t in what you have asked for, just that the person in question couldn’t give it to you.

The next thing to consider is – are you asking for something that you would give, instead of what your friend would? Think about all the ways your friend shows her love and concern. Her values. If she values honesty she may feel like the truth is always better, even if her delivery is blunt. What is her love language? Are you feeling let down because she didn't drop everything and rush to be by your side, even though she sent flowers? If that is the case, perhaps your language is time and hers is gifts? What is her communication style? Maybe she is direct, while you prefer people to sugar coat things? Are you upset that she didn’t call, although she did message to check in? If your communication preference is verbal and hers is written, that may be where the mismatch lies. It may seem simple if all you needed was a hug….. but if physical affection is uncomfortable for them, you may be asking too much from them.

Lastly you have to ask yourself, is what you are asking for reasonable? If you were in her position and her circumstances, would you have been able to offer whatever it was that you were asking for? Sometimes, without realizing it, we accidentally ask for too much because we fail to consider what other people have going on and that we are not the centre of any universe, least of all theirs.

Of course, the question remains, if you knew what you wanted to see or hear, why did you ask in the first place? We don’t get to dictate or control other people’s responses or reactions. We don’t have to take their advice or opinion on board. And if they can’t be there for you in the ways that you need, accept this and find people that can. You obviously know what you need from people to feel supported and cared for. That doesn’t mean everyone who doesn’t show you what you want to see doesn’t care, they just care in their own way.

If you know what you want to see, look in the right places to find it!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendships are Happiness.

I don’t often write about my children here, but I wanted to share this. My son has Autism and a range of other conditions that impact his maturity, capability, intellect and social skills. He is nearly 11 years old at the time of writing this piece and this is his 7th year at the same primary school including kindy. In all of the previous 6 years he has not had much social success.

I never really thought it bothered him, as he seemed content to play alone and stick to his routines in playtime etc…. This year however my son made a friend! As a matter of fact, he made a few. The absolute joy on his face as they spend time together makes my heart feel so full. The excitement as he anticipates their arrival for play dates is like nothing else. If I could bottle this feeling, I’d be a very rich woman.

My daughter is more of a social butterfly, eagerly befriending every child she meets with equal joy and wonder. She is in her element when she is surrounded by her friends and has even asked to start her own friendship collage. I have always known friends would be a big and important part of her life, and being a girl, yes some of the friendship dramas have already started! Still, I never worry too much about her as she is such a social queen.

I did worry about my son though, because of his challenges, and because he spent so long in a social environment and didn’t seem to make friends easily, if at all. Now that he has made friends, I can see him blossoming. I don’t just mean socially either. His grades have improved, his motivation has improved, his self esteem and confidence have improved, and his behaviour and attitude have improved too!

It really highlights to me how much friendship and social inclusion improves our health, happiness and well being! It is easier to make and maintain friendships at school age, I recognise this! Perhaps that is why older generations often reflect on school days as the happiest of their lives? Because they had friends, and they had time, and limited responsibilities! When my kids are with their friends, they are playing!

As I reflect on my own friendships, when I am with my own friends, I am also playing. Not as literally as my children certainly, but I am taking a moment away from responsibilities, chores, errands, and doing something that nourishes me and my soul. This is true even if we do nothing at all, or if we spend the whole time venting and discussing said responsibilities, chores and errands etc…. Time with our friends represents time that is our own. We do have less time as adults, so it is even more important that we make friendships a priority if we wish to feel happy.

My mother recently commented that my husband seems content with just him and I, no friends really required. I would agree with this actually, he has always seemed contented. However, when he made a few friends in his previous workplace, I saw improvements in his mood, motivation and levels of stress. When we went to some social events with these friends, I saw a jovial boyish side to him that I hadn’t really seen before, which only made my love for him grow stronger.

Similarly, when he left that workplace for another, he became more sullen, not enjoying going to work anymore and somewhat restless. Although he still kept in touch with his best work mate, it wasn’t the same at work without friends! Thankfully he is able to transfer back to his old place of work soon, and the excitement he feels about this is just as palpable as the excitement my children feel before a sleep over or birthday party!!! Sure, he has experienced success, been promoted, earns a good wage and has a happy lifestyle with us….. but friendship was the key to really making him happy.

I am not suggesting friendship is all that matters. Maybe if you hate your job, you will still hate it even if you like the people that work there with you. You probably wont be happy until all the pieces fit. Friendships can’t save you from bad relationships, financial stress or many of life’s other tragedies, but it definitely helps!

To Quote Steve Maraboli, the Author of Life, The Truth, And Being Free “Happiness is not the absence of problems; it is the ability to deal with them.” What helps us deal with problems, is feeling confident, capable, valued, supported, cared for and not alone. Can we be content without friendships? Yes, I guess we can, but too much contentedness tends to lead to us just feeling a bit numb really. Friendships are the icing on the proverbial cake. The time we carve out for ourselves to self nourish, explore, learn, grow and play.

By making time for our friends, we are actually making time for ourselves, and making ourselves happy.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Group Gift

So, many women around my age, and probably your age too, are starting exciting journeys in their lives, such as engagement, marriage, pregnancy or even retirement. Of course, with all the excitement comes the celebrations, and many of these end up being quite costly for the rest of us in terms of gifts, meals, outfits, transport, drinks and the list goes on!

To help with the costs, or be better able to actually buy your friend something she may actually want or use, it is often suggested that a few mutual friends all contribute to one particular gift. While this seems like a great idea at first glance, and really is worth consideration, you have to be mindful of certain aspects that cause a moral dilemma.

If a few of the people asked to contribute have already bought something for the intended recipient, they may feel pressured to pitch in and give extra as well or alternatively they may feel excluded from participation. This is especially true if their gift appears to pale in comparison to the group gift, or is significantly lower in cost or value.

Of course, everyone knows you don’t  put a price on friendship, and in most cases (I said MOST! LOL) the recipient will be grateful for anything and everything people choose to gift her. That said, finances are a fast way to fracture friendships! What each person can afford should be dictated by herself alone and not presumed by the organizer.

What I mean by the organizer, is that there is typically one member of the group who will start a group chat, often suggesting a desired gift, the price, and what the cost will be per person if everyone chips in. Example: “Hi Ladies! Jane mentioned this cute stroller that she wanted for the baby. It is $200. If we all chip in $50 we could get it as a group gift, I know she’d love it! Who’s in?”

The general assumption here is that each member of the group can afford to spend $50, or wants to. There is an implied pressure to participate. The organizer has chosen the gift, and will likely get it when everyone hands over the cash. This does pose the advantage of having the gift taken care of without much thought or effort on behalf of the rest of the group…. But what happens if one member says “Actually I already got her something, sorry.” Does everyone else’s share increase? Do you find an alternative person to go in for the gift? Do you select a different gift?

Sometimes the organizer may fail to take into account other factors or costs involved. What if the baby shower was being held at a high tea event, and everyone was asked to pay $58 a head to attend, plus chip in an extra $5 to pay for the guest of honour? When you take into consideration those costs plus petrol to get there and any extra expenses, plus a $50 gift, group members are looking at over $100 to celebrate.

Some of them may be in a position to do so, but not feel particularly inclined to direct the funds in that direction, or some may be too embarrassed to admit that they are not in a similar financial position. So how can we get around this issue?

If you are thinking of organizing a group gift, first think about the expenses already incurred. Invite as many people as possible to participate and keep costs to a minimum. Ask the other participants for ideas for the gift, even if you want to add a few suggestions too. If you have your heart set on getting something for someone, hopefully it is something you can afford to do alone. Ask people to donate as much or as little as they like for the gift, giving a date to get the money to you by. After that date, tell the group how much you have raised and again ask for additional ideas as how to direct the funds, depending on how much was raised.

It’s probably a good idea to start by acknowledging that some people may have already got a gift, or prefer to give the recipient something more private or personal, which is completely acceptable. Thank people for their input and try not to apply pressure to participate.

The other thing to remember, is to try and keep things relatively equal in terms of gifts. If you are a tight knit group, the chances are you are at very similar stages, and likely will all be celebrating milestones of your own in the coming months and years. It would seem unfair to raise $500 to buy Jane a new cot, but only $200 for Stephanie, even if the item Stephanie wants is lower in cost. People will remember what they chipped in for everyone else and may feel hurt if they discover people chipped in significantly less for themselves when their time came.

Again, that is not to say there is a monetary value that can be applied to friendships…. Just that the amount of effort and excitement for everyone seems equal. It might be very exciting when the first of you has a baby for example, and less so when the last of you has her first child but the rest of you are already onto your third. It isn’t the last persons fault her timeline varied, so try to keep the costs and expectations manageable to future selves for whom circumstances may well be very different!

Remember that your friendship is always the best gift you can offer, your love, support, kind words and excitement are all that are really required.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Focus on Friendships Infantile?

It’s that time of year again where we all start thinking and talking gifts!!! A friend of mine asked me for some ideas of what to get me for Christmas this year. Keeping in mind that her budget is tight, I merrily tried to suggest things that were meaningful to me, but inexpensive, like the well known friendship collage. My friend had not heard of this, so I showed her a few examples I have received over the years, and also made reference to my dressing table mirror, which is bordered with a hefty collection of pics of my friends and family.

For those of you who have also never heard of a friendship collage, it can be a book, board, poster, frame or even virtual video. It generally contains pics of you and your friend, funny memories you have shared, tickets to events or shows you have been to, snippets of conversations you have had, quotes pertaining to friendship, letters expressing what she means to you, or anything else that is symbolic of your friendship. Not only is it inexpensive, it also shows you cared enough to apply time and effort into creating the perfect piece.

image from https://supportforoscar.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/friendship-day-collage-for-oscar/

My friend scoffed at this idea, called it lame and said she had never liked someone enough to make a board about it!!! Haha Ok, fair enough, it’s not for her, and I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who share the sentiment that you wouldn’t thank someone for that gift. (Of course, I was suggesting things I would like, for ME, not things she would like. Something to be mindful of when gifting. See post “Friendship Is A Gift Of Giving” for more details.

It doesn’t bother me particularly that this idea wasn’t for my friend. This is the sort of gift that has to come from the heart, and if she wasn’t feeling it, then it loses it’s meaning. What did bother me more was the insinuation that my focus on friendships is infantile. Really? Her own home, and that of most of my friends is filled with pictures of family, parents, children, pets, weddings, siblings, holidays etc…. the people, places and things that you love? So why is it considered juvenile to extend that privilege to friends?

I certainly do display pictures of my wedding, my children, my pets, my extended family, and I do value these people and the relationships we share, that is no less true because I like to include my friends in the mix too. I think my friends perspective, is shared by our culture and society. Friends are important when you are young, until you have a family and “grow up.” After that time they cease to be important because other things take priority.

I simply can’t and won’t accept this to be true, not for me, and hopefully not for you. Friendships are important. Study after study proves that they increase our happiness, productivity, mental health, and even lifespan. Many people of my parents generation spend time reminiscing about the good old days….. and when you probe into what was so good about those old days… the answer seems to be “friends.”

Added to this, as my parents generation finds themselves at the age of retirement, once again social interaction is craved and needed. They have the time and the means to enjoy themselves…. But with whom? While there really are clubs and things to make friendships later in life, which I value and encourage, prevention seems better than cure!

That starts with us!! Yes, with you! Part of being an adult is being heavy with responsibility, and I know that isn’t synonymous with friendship particularly, which is associated more with fun and youth and frivolity. However, it is our responsibility to make sure we maintain friendships, for ourselves and for future generations. We can help end the loneliness epidemic we are facing, by facing each other. We can teach our kids what really matters in this world are our friends and our family. Wealth can buy you many things, but true friendship isn’t one of them.

I am not suggesting that we don’t need careers and homes and families, of course we do, but what good is that success if we have nobody to share it with. So please, do put up your pictures of your friends…. Don’t “keep your memories of yourself in a shoebox on the closet shelf” – Curtis Stigers, To Be Loved.   

Help me banish the idea that friends are only for the young. Friends are for YOU. Friends are for everyone in every stage, even if a friendship collage isn’t!!! Hehe

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Reflections

Previously I have posted about perspective and how we can change it. I have often commented in casual conversation with friends that the human mind is amazing in its ability to see and hear what it wants to see and hear….. however if this is the case why should we need to change our perspective at all?

I am not sure if it is because people like myself (pessimists! Lol) are naturally always drawn to the negative conclusion while I imagine optimists are drawn to the positive conclusion, or if we are all realists at heart and talk ourselves into or out of whatever it is we don’t want to accept.

I have also posted about reflections and how all of us want to see a positive reflection of ourselves in our friends. This makes sense; we all have an ego and an image to maintain. I have to question though, how this fits in with accountability. If the only reflections we ever see are the positive aspects of ourselves how will we ever change, grow, learn and expand into better people?

The overwhelming thoughts that compelled me to start this blog were simple. I noticed a few patterns in my own history which led me to believe that I was the common denominator in the failed friendships equation and therefore I needed to change. When I explored this thought further I realized I have a few unhealthy patterns in friendship. Not spending enough time really getting to know a person before I thought of them as a friend. Getting lost in an intense bonding phase too quickly and wearing rose coloured glasses, which prevent me from seeing red flags. (Meaning I see what I want to see.) Lastly having impossibly high expectations of my friends; then feeling let down when they fail to meet these expectations, and internalizing reasons which have nothing at all to do with me.

And so I have practised being less needy of friends’ time and attention and spending time on my own. I have exercised the ability to challenge my perspective when I am internalizing some perceived slight against me by a friend, which actually hasn’t got anything to do with me. I have sat and looked at the uncomfortable ugly parts of me when my friends hold me accountable for my misgivings, and pondered how to be better, both for them and for myself. I have tried to always see my friends’ positive intention towards me because I know deep down people are good. Most of us don’t walk around wondering how we can hurt each other.
I have tried to understand rather than forgive. I have tried to overlook poor behavior and cast it off as human nature. I have tried to see the good in my friends; even at times blindly. And I have tried to write this blog to help other women do the same!

While I do stand by that and everything I have written here, I have to say that sometimes it takes 2! As much as I can learn and grow and be flexible and understanding, we all still have to have boundaries and know what we will and wont tolerate. It is a part of self respect, and sometimes happiness lies in knowing when enough is enough and things have gone too far.

Constantly changing my perspective to continue to allow people to treat me badly and cross those boundaries which make me uncomfortable is unhealthy. I walk away from people and situations that are no longer positive.  I cannot and will not continually validate other people’s feelings at the expense of my own, or consistently show them a positive reflection of themselves if it is not what I see.  I can’t take accountability if it means accepting full responsibility for problems that were co-created.

Here is one of my boundaries. If I come to a friend with my feelings I deserve to be heard and validated and treated with love and respect. Nobody deserves to be told their feelings are silly or be made to feel small. That is not a part of friendship. I don’t appreciate having my romantic intent questioned because I dared to have expectations and needs, or share that I felt let down by a friend’s actions. So many of my friends have said to me “This is not a relationship.” This is a way to tell me that I don’t get to have needs or expectations, and especially not feelings in relation to friendships?!  Alas, I do have them and I am not sorry. I knew it wasn’t a romantic relationship, and yet I catered to their needs anyway. Whether you like it or not, friendships are relationships! They can and do break up. If we end them silently or with a goodbye, we do end them. There is sadness when they end. I am proud to say I feel sad when they end. I am so tired of being told it is silly. It isn’t.

The people in my past didn't make it to my future for a reason. I played my part and I have explored that, but often the reason we failed is because they couldn’t do the same. Mostly, it isn’t about me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve consideration and respect or for my feelings to be invalidated. Neither do you. Nobody does.

Yet, I AM changing my perspective! I have standards, and values that I won’t compromise on. If they are different from yours that doesn’t make me right, but it does make us incompatible.  I don’t have an unhealthy pattern of leaving healthy friendships behind. I have a healthy pattern of standing for what I believe in even if it means standing alone. And I encourage all of you to do the same.
 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Missing a Friendship, if not a Friend?

Most of us know the heart break of falling out of favour with friends, the torture of FOMO (Fear of missing out) and the awkwardness of picking yourself up and trying again at new friendships. Many of you continue to follow these people on social media, and feel sadness at the isolation you feel as a result of seeing their happy snaps as life goes on without you. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves, honestly.

What I do know, is it is quite common to miss your friend, or your friendship, even if you don’t really regret letting it go.  Why is this? You may spend months or even years agonizing over ending the friendship, then when you do end it, spend more weeks, months or years agonizing over that choice. Is it possible you regret letting your friendship go?

If the answer to that question is a hard yes, go ahead and try your best to reconcile. If however, like most of us, you are unsure about the answer to that question, you will probably find you actually miss the friendship, per say, more than you miss your friend in question.  This is usually much more about ourselves than themselves.

Most friendships do have positive qualities, even if they didn’t outweigh the negative ones. Most friendships do have shared laughter, memories and represented some sort of validation or met a social need. If you are looking at the person on social media and feeling resentful that they don’t seem upset, that they don’t seem to care that they lost you, or that they seem to have swiftly moved on, I suggest you take a closer look.

For starters, most of us use social media as a highlight reel for our lives, capturing happy times that we would like to remember in the future. Many of us do not share the really awful heavy stuff, nor the mundane petty things. Some people use it to convince others, or perhaps even themselves, that they are living a much better life than they are, and many of the smiles you see on there were captured specifically for this purpose…. It doesn’t actually mean their life is the party it seems. The real question is why are you more concerned with what they are doing than what you are doing?

It is perfectly acceptable to miss the positive qualities of a person or the friendship you shared. That doesn’t mean that you necessarily want them back in your life, although it may mean you struggle to let them go entirely. Once you can accept that social media isn’t always what it seems, the next thing to consider is what did that friendship represent to you?

Did you lose the one person with whom you felt you could be entirely yourself without judgement? Was it your only friend? Did you lose a group of friends as a result of the disagreement? Did your friend, despite her faults, always make you feel special, needed or important? What was the reason you held onto the friendship for so long?

Once you can understand what positives the friendship brought into your life, you can identify some of your core needs! This is really important in moving forwards, because knowing what you want and need is the first step towards getting it!!! If you are the sort of person who likes to feel needed, perhaps search for voluntary positions in your community. Not only is it a great way to meet like minded folk and make friends, it also serves a very important purpose and you will be needed by the organization much more than any one individual. If you need to feel like you can be completely vulnerable with someone, you know you need to start practicing a little more emotional vulnerability in some other friendships to see who may be able to meet that need. Often the answer to that surprises you! If you would like to feel more social, included and like you also have weekends full of fun, then it is time to start making plans of your own with people.

If the problem seems to be that you don’t have many other friends you can turn to, check out my formula for making friends called Let’s be friends. While I am sure that your friend, and your friendship did at one time make you feel happy, it is a trap to believe that they are the answer or the only person who can meet your need or bring you happiness. Thinking that way is a trap, and it can actually stop you from moving forwards with your own life.

Yes it is normal and ok to miss the friendship and mourn your loss, but instead of placing your worth in their hands and judging it based on how much or little they miss you, place it in your own hands and know you’re worth the effort. If you know you are worth the effort it shouldn’t be too  hard for you to make the effort for yourself. By all accounts it probably seems like they are? Stop looking them up though, and if you can’t do that, maybe it is time for a reconciliation after all?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Your worth does not depend on someone else missing you… they probably do miss you, but how would you know anyway?

The secrets of friendship.

I used to watch a television show called Cougar Town starring Courtney Cox. What I liked about the show was that it featured a close group friendship. While some friendships within the group seemed closer at times, the general premise of the show seemed to be that there were really no secrets between the characters. In a perfect world, we could all be 100% honest and open with everyone like the characters of the show, but in reality that just doesn’t work. The closer you are with someone, it seems the more secrets you share with them.

Having people to trust, turn to and confide in is a really important aspect of humanity, and it all helps us feel really seen, heard, and loved somewhat unconditionally, by the people we let in emotionally. It’s a wonderful feeling when you can finally confess your true heart and mind, even more so if your friend shares the same vulnerabilities with you. Sometimes, secrets are actually the glue that hold friendships together.

So what happens when you share a secret with a friend, with trust and confidence that it will stay between you, but you later find out that confidence has been betrayed? When the pieces start falling apart in this way, the glue suddenly creates a very sticky situation! Is it a deal breaker? Can you ever learn to trust that person again? Can you forgive them? Can you still be close?

Honestly I think it depends on a few different things. Firstly, did you specify that this was private information, or were you working on the assumption that all your conversations were private? That seems to be a common misunderstanding between friends. When you are regularly open and vulnerable with a friend during your time and communications with them, you sometimes forget to be specific about what things are especially confidential. I know sometimes it seems pretty obvious, or you think they know everything you discuss is private. That said, you probably wouldn’t have minded if they mentioned to a friend that you recommended the Italian restaurant down the road, the reason you are upset is because they shared something deeper. What may seem terribly private to you, such as your menstrual cramps and what you use to treat them, may seem like shareable information to your friend. That probably depends on what values you grew up with or something, but I’m not going to delve into that now.

Secondly, was this information secondhand to you before you shared it with her? If you repeated a rumour, or something you overheard that you shouldn’t have etc…. do you really have the right to get upset with your friend for doing exactly as you did and passing the information along?? Perhaps it has made you look bad now that it is out in the open, however if you shouldn’t have been blabbing, I suggest you go easy on your friend for the same faux pas!

Next, did the information in any way burden your friend? Did you share something that made her feel a moral or legal obligation to share? Loyalty does not come before personal safety or the law. You take a risk when you share information that burdens someone else, and if they felt obligated to act on said information, you probably wont have a leg to stand on, as your friend will feel morally she has acted in line with her values and beliefs.

If you were clear that it was confidential, it was your personal news to share and did not compromise your friends values by sharing, the next question you have to ask yourself was, why do you think she shared the information. I know you are thinking it doesn’t matter why, and you might be right. But to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, can you see any way she may have accidentally shared the information? Was she under a lot of stress at the time and needed to offload to someone else?  Who did she share the information with?

Again, you may think it is irrelevant, but if she shared with another friend with whom she feels close, and that friend has no ties to yourself, she may have felt there was no harm in sharing. Although a confidence was betrayed, it may have felt inconsequential to your friend when she shared.

The last thing you need to consider was how did your friend react when you confronted her about the issue? Did she admit her mistake and genuinely apologise? Sometimes all we really need is to feel like our friend heard us, cared that they made a mistake and wanted to fix the issue between you. Regardless of her reasons, I think there may be hope if she was able to be accountable for her mistake and you had a genuine conversation about it. Hopefully that conversation led to you being much clearer about your boundaries around privacy.

The next thing to touch on is rebuilding trust. Your friend does not get to dictate the speed at which you recover from this and trust her again. It is your responsibility to jointly navigate this, and she needs to understand if you need some time and space, or if the closeness between you weakens, even temporarily. It would be wise to be more cautious about what you want to share with this friend for a while, and although she would feel better if you just dropped it and instantly moved on, you now have to do what makes yourself feel better. If no harm was really done, it may be easier to forgive and forget, or even if something positive came from it in the end, however if there were adverse consequences for you as a result of this incident, you may take time to recover, or decide you cannot continue the friendship. Only you can decide that.

My best advice, if you want to continue and repair the friendship, is to concentrate on building positive vibes with your friend again. Fun things not necessarily intimate things. The more positive time you spend together, the safer you will ultimately feel to start sharing again at your own pace. It should happen naturally and should not feel forced.

Remember, whatever happens, keep your dignity and don’t drop to her level in revealing her secrets.

Have you ever recovered from a betrayed confidence? Don’t forget to share!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Take 2…. Talking it over after the fight?

To speak, or not to speak is the question at hand. Not just the choice to reach out and speak to the person you fell out with, but the choice to talk over the issues or just leave them in the past if you do reach out. Honestly, I have tried both strategies with varying amounts of success. It really does depend on the other person.

I like to try to discuss the issues at bay. Although I find apologizing agonizingly difficult at times, I prefer to apologise and explain to the other party that I understood the role I played that contributed to the messy situation that eventuated. It is always nice too, to hear that they are also sorry and that they understood what went wrong and how you can both be better moving forwards.

The last thing anybody wants is history repeating itself, right. Of course, there has been situations, whereby in apologizing, the other party believed I was absolving them of any guilt or role in the fallout, and was prepared to take sole responsibility. In those situations I have had to decide, was it worth pushing the issue to let them know that while I wanted to do the best I could to be better this time that they needed to also try harder?

Sometimes pushing the issue turned into another argument, about who was right and assigning blame which is unhelpful for reconciliation and moving forwards. Other times the person has offered an apology, without an in depth conversation and I have decided that was enough, because dredging up the past just seemed painful and unnecessary.

Recently, in a friendship which is on its second take, (post reconciliation) a few things have popped up in conversation that have really made me question a few things about what actually happened between us on the first take. My friend and I decided not to discuss the past. Well, more so, she decided, in that she seemed reluctant and uninterested in rehashing things. I decided, after quite some time, that as we were getting along now, perhaps she was right and the past was behind us for a reason.

It’s not that I don’t respect or stand by that choice, it’s just that I question if I should bring it up now or not. It is certainly clear that our experience of the same event was not even remotely similar, and our understandings of what happened seem to be quite far apart. Maybe even opposite, if that is possible? On the one hand, what good will it do to discuss things that I can clearly see we are not going to agree on? On the other hand I am insanely curious to hear her version of events that seem so opposite to what I recall. Is perception fact or fiction? (It’s both!)

I wonder, if I ask her, can I sit and listen without becoming defensive, or having the need to correct her into believing my version of the story? Is my version just as inaccurate a perception to her, as hers seems to be to me? I suspect it is! Can we ever really uncover the truth? Does the truth exist, or is her version just as true as my own? Will we fall out all over again about it? Does it even matter? Should it?

How do I even begin to answer all those questions without speaking to the other party about it? The fact that it has been creeping into casual conversation also makes me question, does she want to talk about it?  Is she finally ready? Am I?

I notice that while I was initially chomping at the proverbial bit to clear the air and have this conversation with her, the more invested I have become in our future, the less relevant the past has become. Perhaps, for her, the more she has learned to trust me again, the more willing she is to delve into it. Still every time it crops up I am surprised. Surprised not only at its mere mention, but surprised too at my reluctance to go there now, considering how different our version of events seem to be!

I find myself uncomfortably brushing it off, laughing it off, or changing the subject. I hope my friend doesn’t interpret this to mean our friendship isn’t important to me or that I don’t take it seriously, because really it is quite the opposite. I value her enough not to argue with her about things that no longer matter. Or at least things that shouldn’t matter. It has become clear that we are not going to agree on what actually happened between us all those years ago. Why bring it up?

What I can learn to do, is accept that her version of the story is every bit as real and valid to her as mine was to me. I was a story in her life, a story that she gets to tell through her own lens, and similarly she was a story in mine. How on earth those two stories can be so different at first glance seems peculiar, but the more I consider it, the more it makes sense. We all have our own sensitivities, triggers and hold strong memories based on those and our other values and experiences. We both remember the snippets that stood out to us, and validated that we were right to end it at the time. There really are 2 sides to every story!

I think if we talk about it, it is going to trigger me. I think it will trigger her too. And I think the investment we have made is more important than who was right or what was true years ago. I have to accept that her reality is valid, and not fight it, whether we have the conversation or not. While I wont be pushing the conversation, I am trying to stay open to it, with a playful and curious heart, and remind myself that none of it matters anymore, because we are both trying to be better. We have both grown and changed as people and our friendship has grown and changed too.  It would be such a careless shame to re-infect us with the same old virus.

If you are reading this chicka, just know that I am glad we took a chance on another take, and I look forward to a day when we can replay the blooper reel and both laugh. Until then, maybe we can just agree to disagree, and keep smiling and discussing things we can agree on, because there are so many of those! We needn’t drown in that water under the bridge when we could simply walk across it.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to be socially successful.

Do you ever idolize someone that seems to have it all? Beauty, health, husband, kids, career, house, pets, friends and more? I know I have! It would be easy to be jealous of these women, if I wasn’t aware enough to realise that with a little more effort and motivation I could have more success in some of these areas too!

A dear friend recently confessed to me that she had been feeling lonely in her life, and she was so envious of the amount of time I spend with my friends. Laughing it off somewhat I replied that it was only because I was too lazy to work on my home as much as she does. During the course of the conversation it became clear that we were each envious of something about the other person, not because we weren’t capable of having the things we want, but because we weren’t working towards having them.

I could go into the state of my home, but let’s just say that it is a stereotypical writers space, as disorganized as my thoughts! I did spend a whole Sunday afetnoon organizing and cleaning a specific area in the house, however you wouldn’t know it now, as my motivation to keep it that way is lower than my desire for it to stay that way. What I do want to talk about is my friend putting more effort into her friendships!

My friend has one friend she considered a best friend. She has other friendships, however they seemed to operate more like acquaintances than actual friendships. My friend was feeling a bit down and lost, because her “bestie” was not really available for friendship at this time in her life. What I mean by that, is that she didn’t appear to be making my friend a priority. Always “busy” with work and family commitments, she wasn’t spending any quality time with my friend. Although they often talked daily, it seemed my friend never really knew anything about her “besties” life or anything that mattered.

Their connection seemed to be dwindling. My friend tried to talk about this with her “bestie” but somehow it always seemed accusatory and often ended in an argument. Her “bestie” would become defensive and list all the other things she has to worry about and do, and nothing would be resolved. This left my friend feeling anxious, pining for time and connection from her “bestie,” needy, even. My friend would overthink the situation and could not fathom the idea that this was not personal. It felt like a rejection.

In talking it over with me, she was able to articulate that her “bestie” was no longer able or willing to meet her friendship needs, and she didn’t know how to make her “show up” for their friendship more. Over and over again, she would come to the same conclusion “I just have to try and enjoy it for what it is, and forget about what it isn’t.” Alas, no matter how many times she tried, it was hard to ignore what it wasn’t.  I put it to her that it may be because she still had an unmet friendship need.

This was a light bulb moment for my friend. “You’re absolutely right!” she exclaimed, surprised by this revelation. She finally came to a different conclusion, that would ultimately help her come to peace with the situation with “bestie.” She needed to invest more time and energy into different friends. Friends that could potentially meet her need. Almost immediately, she set up a few lunch dates with different people, to test the friendship waters, and see if any of them would grow! Well guess what? Some of them really took off. She now enjoys a weekly catch up with one of them, and it has changed her life and her perspective, significantly. She no longer over thinks things with “bestie” and is actually capable of accepting and enjoying it for what it is. What it isn’t no longer bothers her as much, because her friendship needs are still being met.

Interestingly, my friends “bestie” has now started showing signs of jealousy. She has made snide comments about my friend having “a new best friend” and “forgetting” about her. It’s interesting how we can always sense someone’s change in attitude towards us, but sometimes can’t acknowledge our own behaviour that made them change!

“Bestie” doesn’t make friendships in her life a priority, the same way I don’t make housework a priority in mine. I can have a dazzling home if I really want it, but not if I don’t make a plan and work towards achieving that goal. The trick to being socially successful, is making friendships a priority and giving them the same time and attention you give to the more successful aspects of your life.

“Bestie” likes to claim that she is an awesome friend because my friend can call upon her anytime of the day or night. The kind of friend you can call in a crisis, even if you haven’t spoken in years. The kind who takes off straight away wherever you left it last time, regardless of how long it has been. (My experience of friends who say this, is that they value the low maintenance quality of our friendship, which translates to “I’m glad I don’t have to put in much time or effort.”) This may very well be true, however my friend didn’t just want someone who shows up in a crisis. She wants someone who shows up anyway.

That’s not to say she wont call “bestie” in a crisis. Perhaps she still would. Essentially their friendship hasn’t changed, except my friend no longer has unrealistic expectations that “bestie” will suddenly change and meet her other needs. If “bestie” wants the same level of connection my friend now shares with her new friend, she will have to make time for it.

So what did we learn? Firstly, don’t flog a dead horse. If someone isn’t making time for you, find someone who will. Secondly, if you want to be socially successful, make it a priority; a goal, and set about making it happen.  If it’s important to you, you will. If it’s not, that’s ok, but know that sulking that you aren’t socially satisfied, and doing nothing about it is, to quote the Baz Luhrmann in the the Sunscreen Song “As effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum!” (I love that song, if you haven’t heard it, click the link!!)

Well, I guess that means I wont be getting thin by eating cupcakes either? Darn! Haha As a good friend of mine likes to say “If wishes were fishes….” Then she spouts about making wishes come true by setting a plan and sticking to it. She might be onto something there!!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

PS Social success is a personal measure. If you are happy with your social situation, I’d say you are successful!

She loves me, she loves me not…..

When I speak to my husband on the phone, it has become habit to say “Bye, I love you,” at the end of the call. Same goes for family….. but it can be a bit awkward sometimes if you end the conversation with friends, and especially random sales people etc…. in the same affectionate manner. I know, because I have done exactly this, more than once! Haha

That said, in most of my friendships it isn’t abnormal to express love verbally in this way. It’s actually a really beautiful and comfortable thing when we can express such deep affection for one another, and know that the sentiment will be (and is) reciprocated. That said, I have noticed a tendency to avoid the “I” in the statement among friends, or make the statement slightly more casual to make it less romantic perhaps. We might say “Love you” or “I loves ya” or “Love us” or LUVU” or “we all love you” or “love you longtime!” Very rarely do we ever say “I love you.”

I think in some cases, it probably is acceptable. I thought for example, it was ok to say it at big life events where emotions are running high, like births, deaths and marriages. So I tried it at a good friend’s wedding. As the bride and groom left for the evening, and did the rounds saying their goodbye’s to all the guests, I leaned in, hugged the bride, gushed about what a wonderful wedding it was and how beautiful she was, kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear “I love you.” Yeah. Awkward. It felt like I was preparing my own creepy proposal at her wedding to someone else! Lol Thankfully I’d had enough to drink that the bride probably assumed I also loved the lamp post that night and we didn’t speak of it again!

It doesn’t matter if you tell your friends, as long as you show them and they show you.

And that was with a friend always willing and open to expressing affection with me. I don’t know exactly why saying a direct “I love you” seems to cross a line, but I do know if you accidentally slip up and say it, it feels instantly creepy and actually quite embarrassing. I wondered if this only happened to me, because my friend may question if I mean it in a more romantic than platonic way based on my more fluid sexuality. So I was secretly thrilled lately when a friend confessed she made the same faux pas in another friendship, and she didn’t know how to handle the situation.

Apparently, after a group gathering, my friend said her goodbyes to a female friend. They hugged and exclaimed it was good to see one another. They said they should catch up privately, then they each went about saying their goodbye’s to other members of the group. A while later, despite having already said goodbye, they were finally walking out of the venue together. So at the exit, they once again hugged, and kissed on the cheek. As they broke apart to go their separate ways, my friend called out to her friend “I love you.” My friend has no explanation for this sudden and unexpected outpouring of love for her friend.

She described the way her cheeks were burning as she returned to her car, and that she wondered what her friend would think! Would she think my friend had lingered around on purpose to say an extra goodbye? Would she think my friend was harbouring a secret lesbian crush on her? Would she avoid my friend in future? I was laughing (hard) at my friend’s awkward misfortune when she shared this, before I finally asked her if it was common among her female friends to say this to one another? She said she’d probably never even said that to another member of the group whom she’d known the longest!

I teased my friend considerably, because she has in the past admitted to having a “girl crush” on this particular friend. For those of you who don’t know, a girl crush is a term heterosexual girls use to describe feelings of excitement and admiration for another (usually) heterosexual female friend. Someone they want to spend lots of time around, they want her approval, wish to look and be more like her and may even get a bit giggly around her. They insist they do not want to kiss or be sexual with her! I have my doubts! Hehe)

Anyway, I eventually said her friend probably didn’t even hear her or think anything of it, and not to mention it or it would indeed seem weird. Too late! My friend had already sent her friend a super awkward text message apologizing for professing her love inappropriately and assuring her friend that she was not indeed a lesbian!! I think the lady doth protest too much, don’t you?! Haha Awkward! At the time of writing this, her friend had not read, nor replied to the message.

Essentially, she has tried to revoke the “I love you.” This is just as awkward as blurting it out in the first place. Awkwardly trying to say “I love our friendship, but not you as such” puts her friend in the position of feeling she must now respond to the awkward “I love you.” She must reassure my friend that she loves her too, and doesn’t think my friend is a secret lesbian… all the while probably thinking exactly that!! Lol Alas, if their friendship is true, I’m sure that’s exactly what my friend’s friend will do, because I’m sure she does love my friend, even if they don’t usually say so.

What I value most about my friends with whom I express love, however awkwardly, is that I trust them, and they trust me. We know exactly what is, and equally, what isn’t meant by the sentimental exchange and even though I am not heterosexual I never have to explain my feelings or myself.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are any expectations reasonable?

Hello readers! So this week, I wanted to talk about something that has been happening in my friendships for quite some time, and something I’m not too sure how to handle. On the one hand it is possible that my expectations are too high, but that does lead me to the question, what expectations are reasonable?

As many of my friends are busy working mothers, and I am a stay at home mother, I do my best to fit in with them and structure my availability to their schedule. I do understand their time is limited, and if I want to see them I need to make it convenient for them. This means some I see of an evening, although it is past my bedtime almost by the time I even get there, some I see once or twice a fortnight or even a month, and some even less frequently than that. It all depends on their circumstances and what time they can afford to share with me.

I do not expect my friends to “make time” for me. I try not to ask them for too much time. I used to be a bit needier, and struggled to spend time with myself. I realised I sometimes used my friends as a way to fill time and avoid myself. I no longer do this, I am perfectly happy to be in my own company and do my own thing. All I ask, is that if we do schedule time together, is that my friends do their best to show up. I know life happens and I am forgiving and understanding when people have to cancel sometimes….

That said, it has dawned on me recently that this has become somewhat of a pattern among my friend group, and I have started to question if they also understand that just because I am a stay at home parent, that doesn’t mean that my time is somehow less valuable than their own.  I do not arrange catch up’s with other friends on days I have arranged to catch up with them. I don’t book appointments or my grocery shopping during their time, or anything else for that matter. As much as I can, I just want to connect with them and give our friendship the attention it needs and deserves.

My friends, however seem to think it is acceptable to schedule all their appointments in our time, or change the plans at the last minute, or spend our time running errands and don’t seem to understand, or perhaps care that these things impact my own time too. Take this week for example, I made plans with one friend, who had to cancel. It is school holidays here at the moment, so I wanted to schedule in a playdate with another friend, which I did. That friend however, was unsure of her own schedule and asked me to wait to hear back from her. In the meantime, the original friend said her other plans had changed and we could still get together. In the end I had to let somebody down. I really don’t like being in that position!

What struck me, as I pondered this, is both my friends expected to put me “on hold.” I am not comfortable with this particularly. Although in the end both friends ended up asking for my time, it could have just as easily turned out that I had no plans at all. It feels like the insinuation is that I have nothing better to do than wait around for my friends. It’s not just the insinuation that my time is less valuable, but also the feeling that they don’t value our time together as much as I do which hurts me.

I know how many times I have posted that we need to be aware that it isn’t personal. It isn’t, and even in this circumstance, I know it isn’t. What seems to be happening is a larger problem than just myself and my friends. When I examine it a little closer, it usually boils down to  the fact that my friends have been put on hold too, by someone else, making them unable to commit to anything either until the last minute. Or people change plans on them, causing our plans to have to change.

So what can I do about this? What can we all do? I feel it is reasonable to have an expectation that when you make a plan with someone that they do what they can to honour that commitment. I also know to manage my expectations around consistently flaky friends, and accept responsibility for making plans with someone I know to be unreliable. I know flexibility is important and I try very hard to practice this wherever possible. However, we all have to be more considerate of each other and know every single one of us has important things to do, and our time matters.

Example. Let’s say I am meeting friend A for coffee at 9am, and have arranged to meet friend B at 12 for lunch. It is a half an hour drive between venues, so I need to leave Friend A at 11.30am to meet friend B at 12. Friend A calls to say she has been delayed for some reason, and asks if we can meet at 10am instead. I need to be clear to friend A that I can meet her at 10 but I still need to leave at 11.30am to meet friend B, instead of calling Friend B to tell her I will be an hour late, and in turn making her late for something else… the list goes on.

We also need to be responsible for our own time management. If I am seeing Friend A in the evening and we are out late, it is still my responsibility to turn up for Friend B the next morning as planned. If I didn’t want to do that, I should not have committed to both plans. Don’t over schedule things or people. While you are trying to please everyone, essentially nobody feels you really “saw” them. Yes, spending a day together running errands or doing grocery shopping is unavoidable sometimes, and helping eachother should come within the friendship territory. Just keep in mind that these activities alone are not enough to sustain connections. You must spend more time making meaningful mutually enjoyable connections than simply fitting people in, or the relationships quickly become unsatisfying.

Lastly, remember that quality matters more than quantity. I would rather spend a meaningful hour with a friend a month than spend a whole day where I feel like she didn’t really have time for me, or feeling disappointed that she continually cancels because she feels she can’t give me all day. Offer what you can manage, and then show up and make it count.

I know it isn’t personal when my friends can’t or don’t show up for me, but I like to hope it is personal at least, when they do?! Ladies, lets please do our best to make sure we are actually present when we show up. Put the phone down! Post on that to follow!

How is time management impacting your friendships?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The fine line between friendships and formalities: Living together.

It sounds like a perfect scenario, living with friends. It is easy to imagine one big endless sleepover, pizza’s and icecream and giggling galore. Parties. Partners. Sharing clothes and accessories. Venting. Inspiring and motivating each other…. and so much more. Its really no surprise that so many of us move in with friends, at various stages of life.

While there are times that definitely feature all of these things, let’s not forget that it’s not all rainbows and lollipops though. For starters, when you live with someone, habits that initially seemed funny or endearing, quickly become irritating. Or opposite character traits get in the way. What if you are very messy and she is always nagging at you to clean up? Or if you go to bed early and she stays up making noise til 3am? Do you have to inform each other where you will be, with whom, or if and when you will be coming home? Where are the privacy boundaries?

These small things are apt to become big things when amplified, not to mention the actual big issues that are bound to arise. What happens if someone can’t pay their share of the rent, or your pet cat attacks her pet bird? What if things start going missing, or her friends start conducting shady behaviours from your property that could leave you in trouble?

Not to mention the responsibilities. How will you divide the chores? What is who’s responsibility? Will she walk your dog when you are away? Will you cook dinner each night because you finish work earlier than she does? What if you own the house and she only rents a room? Do you pay half for the bills etc...?  If she breaks your washing machine, who is liable for the replacement or repair? What initially seemed like a dream, can easily become a logistical nightmare that could cause your friend to move out of your house, and your life if you aren’t careful.

Some friendships require more space than others, consider this carefully before you move in!

That’s not to say I think it can’t work, it definitely can. However, you need to have clear boundaries between your friendship and the formalities of living together. What you may expect of your friend, must come second to what you expect of your roommate. While you may hope or expect your friend to bail you out if you are short for the rent this week, or she may expect you to cook for her boyfriend each night although he doesn’t live there or contribute, you must always ask yourself what is reasonable? What is your responsibility and how can you meet it, or avoid making your problems her problems?

You need to have a formal discussion and agreement on these important issues before you move in and both agree to committing to the agreement above all else. It seems very formal, and it is, but you may find it is actually protecting you both, and your future friendship.

If your friend gets mad at you for not pulling your weight, you need to be mature enough to acknowledge the issue and fix it instead of producing a list of all the things you have done for her. Yes, maybe you did buy the milk for the last month but does that really mean she should wash all your dishes?

It really all comes down to respect. Respect your roommate. Respect her things, her space, her privacy and her wishes as much as possible, and expect the same respect in return. Respect that you are sharing a space and pick up and clean up after yourself. Be as honest as you can and maintain open communication before little issues become big ones.

If she agreed to let you move in for a month, don’t stay longer than that without a discussion beforehand. If you agreed to move in to take care of the house and pets while she is on holidays, then stick to your agreement and do so, without making it seem like it is a big inconvenience for you. If you break something, you pitch in to fix it. If your boyfriend is there all the time, you pay extra for things like food, water, electricity etc…. Pay your way, on time, every time.

Priorities!!!

Life happens. Circumstances change. I understand that, which is why you may need to renegotiate certain aspects of the arrangement from time to time, but if you do so in a way that shows consideration to your friend, and not just yourself, your friendship has a better chance at success. For example, perhaps you got unexpectedly pregnant, and decided you wanted to move in with your partner, or back home. You wont be staying for the duration of your lease, it isn’t practical. As your friend, you expect support and understanding of your new situation, however you have to understand this impacts your friend in big ways. You need to be able to discuss what this will mean for your friend and what you can and will do to assist her. Will you find a way to continue to pay even if you aren’t living there? Will you help her find an alternative roommate? Does she even want to keep living there without you? If not, will you contact the agent and pay a break contract fee?

Living with someone is a responsibility, so if you can’t take responsibility for yourself, I advise against it. That’s not to say it’s any less complicated when living with roommates that are not friends, the same rules apply, it’s just you have less to lose if the relationship sours. If you stick to the rules either way, you should find you have a new friend, or an even closer one. If you can survive living together, there isn’t much you can’t get through.

What have your experiences of living with friends been like?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

It can happen, with a little consideration and respect! Good Luck!!

I don't want you to go

Hello! In the last few weeks I posted about some of my experiences of ended friendships and tried to give a picture of what that grief looks like, in terms of my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. In one of the posts, I mentioned that if someone tries to leave me, I am a firm believer in letting them go.

My post on the blog called “what to do when a friend is pushing you away?” is by far one of the most popular I have written, and received very mixed reviews. Some of you found it extremely helpful, while others found it depressing, to say the least. I can understand both viewpoints, as I have lost friends, that maybe I didn’t need to, because I didn’t try hard enough.

I like to believe that giving someone the space they need, and the freedom to come and go from my life is a healthy sign of respect for my friend, myself and our friendship, and that not making them ask me directly for space, but picking up on their subtle hints that they aren’t as invested as I am right now, and giving it to them is a gift. Potentially a final gift of friendship – I will let you go and not make you feel bad about it.

To be clear, I came about this by doing the exact opposite, and becoming insecure when my friends pulled away from me. I became needier and pressed for answers. I demanded to know if our friendship was over or not. In essence, this often sealed my fate in the opposite direction I was hoping for to be honest. I like to describe it as handing my friend a gun, backing her into a corner, and making her shoot me with it, then playing the victim. Why, oh why, did I do this? Who benefited from this? They felt terrible for hurting me, but I wouldn’t let it go until they did. I felt no less terrible being certain than I had feeling uncertain, (but pretty sure! ) Nobody wins.

So, I adopted a much more casual attitude, in part when I tried this previous strategy, and failed. My friend refused to shoot me, but she also refused to step up and show me what I wanted to see.  I had no choice but to admit our friendship was less than it had been and move forwards emotionally. I could have ended it myself, but I didn’t want it to end. I wanted us to be what we had been before. So I endured far less frequent contact, which felt empty in comparison to what we had once shared, and accepted that while we still used the word friend, the sentiment had definitely changed. I found new people, in time, and it hurt less and less as my expectations of this person lessened….

A few years later, a beautiful thing happened, and we once again became close. This time I keep my expectations lower, and my investments lower perhaps, but I am so glad this friend and I were able to reconnect. Reconnecting is something that proved much harder with my original strategy. So I learned, that when people want space from you, grant it. Let them walk away, and don’t make them feel bad about it. Allow them to feel free to live their lives without any obligation to you and know that they are in your life by choice, and you make it easy for them to go if they so choose. That you know it isn’t about you, but about what they are going through, their circumstances and their needs. When you learn to stop taking it personally, it really helps you let go. (Example, this friend had a partner at the time who demanded all of her attention. She could not please us both and it was unrealistic to expect she would choose me over him. Her distance was never personal, she just couldn’t show me what I wanted to see anymore.)

So from that I decided to have a more detached attitude to my friendships. That doesn’t mean they aren’t important to me. If they weren’t, this blog wouldn’t exist. At first it meant, because I was hurt, “I will no longer chase after people. If they want to be my friend, they will.” Not that I had much choice as many painful attempts had shown me, that you cannot force friendships on people. This alone as so powerful for me. I enjoyed my friendships, but a part of me was always quietly waiting for the end. Another reason this strategy worked for me was because I loathe confrontation, so letting someone go quietly actually felt safer. And mirroring is supposed to be fantastic for friendships. If I get more vulnerable, you get more vulnerable. If you get more distant, I get more distant. As a whole, it works.

In thinking about the people who really reacted strongly and negatively, I wondered, what were they hoping I would say? They were hoping for a list of ideas they could try to rekindle the friendship. Because the friendship was too important to just let it go as if they had never cared, when they do care so much! In pondering that, I realised that dealing with things this way, did indeed cost me a few friendships, perhaps needlessly.

I have to wonder, if I had of just said to the friend I lost, because I let her walk away without another word “I don’t want you to go” if things may have turned out differently? It’s not asking her to stay if she must go, and it’s not intended to make her feel guilty. It simply shows that I noticed she was going and I cared enough just to imply “I’ll miss you.” I can think of certain circumstances where that would have made no difference, but yet others when it probably would have made all the difference.

So for those of you who are struggling to let go of someone who is pushing you away, meet their distance with your own, but perhaps be brave enough to say “I don’t want to lose you. I miss you and I hope we can be as close as we were again someday.” At least then you know there was nothing more you could do, you knew they were pulling back, and you cared enough to say “If this is what you want, I respect that because I love you, but just know, it isn’t what I wanted and I hope for something different in the future.” Then, if you can, keep an open mind and heart towards that person in the future.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Other Side.... How it feels to break up with a friend.

Last week I wrote a post about how it feels when a friendship ends; the heartbreak and how that may actually look, in terms of behaviour. That was mostly about endings of friendships that were ended mutually, loudly or quietly, or that were ended for you, by the other party, leaving you blindsided, alone, sad and insecure. This week I wanted to follow up with a post about how it feels to be the one who calls it quits on your friend.  Afterall, there are 2 sides to every story!

So, despite my tendency to play the victim in many of my fractured friendships, there have been a few times I have been the one to end things with someone else. To assume that this caused me no guilt, shame, angst, grief or loss would be easy, but it’s simply untrue. Even when I have ended things with a friend, for whatever reason, there has still been an emotional grieving process, before and after the event.

My last post started with denial, and that is where this one starts too. I struggle to admit to myself when a friendship is unhealthy, or leaving me drained. My intuition, or gut, if you will, raises the uncomfortable feeling, but I try to ignore it and carry on. I make as many excuses for my friend as I can, and justify to myself that she is having a hard time and she needs me to keep doing what we have always done, and being to her whatever I have been. My friend may start to notice in this stage that I seem somehow distant, emotionally unavailable, although she can’t quite explain how things are different because at this point I am still showing up…. Physically at least.

Typical to the grief process, the second stage is anger. I feel weighed down by this friendship. I usually know why, although the reasons vary from one friendship to another. Everything my friend does irritates me, because deep down, my heart isn’t in it anymore. Everything my friend expects of me feels like she is asking for blood, and I am reluctant to offer much assistance. I am full of excuses. I cancel plans, take longer to respond to communications, and get quite busy… sometimes with other friends. Maybe it’s easier to be angry with you so I can blame you and feel less guilty? It wont work, but I’ll try!

I’m sorry I can no longer show you what you want to see. Someone can!

Still following the grief plan, the next stage is bargaining. I think of all the reasons I liked my friend to begin with and mentally list all her wonderful qualities. I think of all the happy times we have shared, and try to convince myself that I still want to be friends. I reason that time with her isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be and that perhaps, if I just see her less often, we can be somehow less than friends. I agonise over the thought of ending it. It seems so messy and hurtful and even thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. Plus, I don’t know how to explain it to my friend. I like her, she is a great person, so why don’t I want to continue on?

I write more letters unsent. Mostly. If I send something it is my last hope to salvage things, or respect you enough to give you a chance to try. I try writing direct ones where I explain what is upsetting me, and polite ones where I dance around the issue, trying to make it clear that I want to end things, or take a step back, without directly saying so. I struggle to find middle ground between the two. I wish that my friend would understand what I am saying without making me say it. I don’t want to have to tell her, so I feel annoyed that she does not meet my distance with her own. Many times my friend has been desperately trying to save us, which only makes me feel worse. And to be really honest, only makes me want to get away more. (It’s not that I don’t understand this, I have been on the other side enough times to know she means well and likes me enough to try…) I’m sorry. Honestly. I am and I say so, but that just confuses the issue. Sigh.

See the contradiction here. It’s impossibly real.

The next stage is depression. This starts when I accept that I want to end the friendship, or that I don’t but it cannot continue as it is, and I don’t see any way to change things more favourably. I’m sad, and guilty. I know I have to hurt someone I care about. I don’t want to do it. I will take as much space as the person in question will allow. (There have been times when the person in question met my distance with her own, and in years to come we were able to rekindle as though nothing had ever happened, or even talk openly about what we were both feeling back then…. Once the raw emotions of it all had passed. And they will, by the way. I promise.) If the person makes aggressive moves, such as demanding answers from me, deleting or blocking me on social media, or trying to provoke an argument or fight, I usually walk away. I tell them it’s over, or they tell me and then that’s that. It’s done. If however they are sad, depressed or needy, expressing that they miss me or that they don’t understand… I will ask that person for space.

Maybe not literally with the kissing, but if I don’t miss you, I have my answer.

I need time away from them. I need to compare how I feel without them versus how I felt with them in my life. I need a chance to miss them. And I always hold hope that I will feel that. That I will miss them and realise how much they did add happiness to my life. Unfortunately though that isn’t always the case. I feel guilty to even write here, but sometimes I just feel relief. That doesn’t mean I am happy that the person is gone, but happy I have done what I needed to do for myself. I still stare at the walls, ugly cry and rehash things over and over. I wonder if there was any way I could have made it work, and feel like a terrible person. I hang my head when I see her other friends, and try to avoid places I may see her. Leaving people, hurting them and letting them down doesn’t make you feel good. You feel just as miserable as the other person that you couldn’t find a way to make it work or a friendly way to end things. You are grieving the loss of the friendship, but also the version of yourself that you wanted to be, and for people to think you are. It’s hard knowing that person is sad because of you and you didn’t do anything to make it better, and lots of people are judging you for it!

Remember this goes both ways. You weren’t good for each other in the end, but that doesn’t define you!

Acceptance. Once some time passes and the depression fades, and I start enjoying my time with other people again, I notice, the heaviness is gone. I feel freer. I think of my friend with twinges of sadness, but I know I made the right choice for myself at the time. I don’t know if we will be friends again or not in the future, but I genuinely hope we both find happiness.  I hope my now ex friend can forgive me in time and find people who love her the way she deserves and I couldn’t.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Stages of Grief; HOW IT FEELS.

It came to my attention the other day, that while I have spoken at length about broken friendships, and how normal it is to feel upset by them, I have never spoken directly about my experience of the pain itself. I am not necessarily going to speak about one particular ending, but overall my pain and grieving process, which was pretty universally experienced with each loss, although at times in various orders to varying degrees.  They say there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in that order. For me, the order tends to be just a little different.

I'm a Leo.... so we do reach acceptance! I hope you all do too!

The first stage for me is usually shock. It may be fair to call this denial. Not wanting to deal with it. This is true regardless of the manner of the ending. If it ended abruptly or if it ended more as a slow fizzle, when I realise it is over, I kind of go into a state of shock.  I have no words, and almost a sense of numbness. I try to tell myself that I don’t care and get on with my life….

That’s when I usually realise I am actually too distracted to get on with my life, because despite my declarations, I guess you could say I have entered the bargaining stages of grief. Typically this is the 3rd stage, but for me, I tend to experience it second! I always did like to do things a little differently! In this stage, I am rerunning conversations in my mind, looking for clues as to when the ending really started and what exactly happened. This is usually followed by justifying my position, to myself, and endlessly going over it with my partner, for moral support. I talk to impartial friends who didn’t know the other person about it to the point they usually wonder if I was obsessed with my friend or secretly in love with her. They know by now not to say “It was just a friend. Get over it!” My heart is broken.  I need reassurance that I behaved reasonably and that I am not the worlds worst friend or human! This is the phase with the most ugly crying, sleepless nights, and googling articles exactly like this one.  I talk to my psychologist and refuse to accept she wants me to accept accountability for my part in things, and insist on playing the victim!

Once my husband, or other friends have suitably soothed me and assured me I am not the worlds worst human, unlikable and doomed to social isolation for the rest of my years, I reach anger. Anger is typically before bargaining in the stages of grief, but for me it comes after for some reason. I am so angry at my ex friend. I blame her for not being everything I expected her to be, or, ironically, for expecting too much of me! Lol I am angry at her because she walked away, or because of the mean things she said, or because she didn’t fight for us. Even if I didn’t fight either, or if we both said mean things. Everything is her fault! Maybe I am trying to hate her, because that would make it a lot easier somehow, wouldn’t it?

Hate is just the flipside of love though isn’t it?  I think so. No matter how hard I try, I can’t hate my friend, because I love her. This is when the depression stage hits. Cue grief stage 4!!! I’m back on track! Songs remind me of her. Street signs, places, people, phrases, clothes, foods and even scents remind me of her. Bloody Facebook reminds me of her, as all my “memories” pop up to remind me that we used to have fun together and now it is all over. Thanks for that Facebook. Cheers. Lol I actually don’t think this happens if you block the person, or if they block you on social media actually, but I usually don’t block people. I guess that is because deep down I always hold even the tiniest hope that reconciliation is possible if you keep a window open.

If reconciliation is possible, and desired, this is the most likely phase of me reaching out. I’ll be honest though and say it’s highly unlikely. This is the phase where I accept that I still love my friend, and I miss her. I miss what we shared. Things happen and I want to reach out and tell her or talk about it with her and she isn’t there. I wonder what is happening in her world, and sometimes shed a few tears that I no longer know anything about her or her life. I look at old photos, read old messages, cards or letters. I write many many unsent letters to her. I express sorrow for my part in things, and for hurting her and for not fighting harder for her. I wonder why she didn’t fight for me too, or if she also feels sorrow, sadness and regret. I express that I am not angry anymore. I let that anger go, finally. There is still guilt for my part though, that takes longer to dissipate. 

I wonder if I will run into her at our local spots (I have stopped avoiding them in fear of seeing her there) and quietly hope she will reach out to say happy birthday. (I hate it when her birthday comes first!) If it does I will compose a message or 12, and decided to send none of them, justifying that she may hate hearing from me and I don’t want to spoil her day. (Really, I guess I am just frightened of more rejection and of more potential ugliness and drama. By now I have gotten comfortable with the silence.)
I look her up on social media and try to make guesses about her situation based on the few scraps of info available now that we are no longer friends!

I’m the first to admit, these letters I write, are usually left unsent. I justify that I do not chase people anymore and if they wanted to talk to me, they would. (I wonder if they do the same thing…. It’s not lost on me that someone has to be the first to make her move.) I tell myself that if it is meant to be, somehow, some way, in time, it will be again. That it didn’t work for a reason and if there is no way to really resolve the issue in question, we were just incompatible. In these letters, as I end them, I tell them I love them and I wish them well. That I hope they find the happiness that they deserve, and resolve to go about finding my own happiness.

This is not helpful advice. It is something I do that I am not proud of and working on. There has to be a difference between chasing and saying "I don't want you to go" right? Post to follow. 

This is where I start engaging in my life again, making new friends, strengthening existing healthy connections, and freeing both myself and my ex friend of any blame or guilt. It didn’t work between us. It doesn’t mean we were bad people, and it doesn’t devalue what we did share. When I am reminded of this person I can smile, and I can accept that for now at least, our time in each other’s lives has come to an end. Our chapters have ended but our stories go on. I am open to hearing from them, but not waiting with baited breath, hopeful.  I guess this is me reaching the final stages of grief. Acceptance. This is where I let it go. Let it be what it was, what it is and what it will be. By now I have reached indifference, and we all know what I think about that.

Some of these phases last longer than others. Or for some friendships I may spend longer in one phase than another depending on the circumstances. But believe me when I tell you that the pain was real and in all of the cases it took a long time to heal and reach indifference. With some maybe I never will, which is when the chances increase that one of those letters may even get sent! Lol I can tell you on average it takes me a good year to go through this process…. Sometimes longer. I have experienced one ending at least where I thought about that friend, our friendship, what happened and what I wanted to happen every single day for at least a year.

Grief has a general direction in terms of stages and timeline, but it is such a unique experience and there is no right or wrong way to grieve the ending of a friendship. If you feel stuck (because grief can be addictive) please speak to a trained mental health professional. There is no shame for seeking help for grief of any kind. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling broken hearted over a friend. It means you cared. Nothing more, and nothing less. You’re not strange, gay, or obsessed. Or maybe you are but this alone is not enough to define you as such!!!

Can any of you relate to this? Please do share your own experiences of grief with me!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

You'll be surprised what happens while you are waiting to see what happens!! Life! It goes on. You will smile again, and that is ok too. xx

Do shared values make friendships more valuable?

How is it that most of us feel like we are generally good people, but yet we can actually all have such differing viewpoints on what constitutes good values? And how do differences in values affect our friendships? Without a lofty degree in some sociology or something, I am probably not really qualified to answer that question, however, I would like to explore the concept from my own perspective….

I have a wide variety of friends, most of whom I would say are essentially good people at their core, despite the fact that we do not value the same things in this life. Some of my friend’s value money and status, while others value veganism or living a green lifestyle. I can’t say I value either of these things fiercely, and yet it does not impact our friendship particularly.

I have mentioned this several times, but in case you are just tuning in, I also do not identify as heterosexual. I have one friend who is very religious and did not vote in favour of marriage equality. Surely it would seem strange that this difference in values would not impact our friendship? Yet it does not. Why do I think this is? Because my friends and I do not push our values onto one another. We respect everyone has a right to live their life their own way and strive to see the best in each other.

At its core, I feel we all value the things that matter; love, kindness and respect. As long as we show these things to one another the rest shouldn’t be as relevant. Our differences just make us more special.

That said, there has definitely been times when differences in values have changed or damaged the friendships. Clearly, I value friendships and make conscious time and effort to maintain them…. Yet I have friends who have demonstrated that they value romantic relationships and family above all else and disappear into these when the circumstances permit. Once I accept this about certain friends, I can keep my expectations of them and our friendship, in check, and try and maintain closer bonds with people more likely to show up for me even when they are loved up.

In other circumstances I have inadvertently condoned situations that didn’t involve me, merely by continuing friendships with people who didn’t share some core values like honesty in their other relationships. Although I always encouraged honesty and respect, by not forcing my values onto them and the way they lived their lives, they felt comfortable in putting me in positions that encouraged me to participate in their dishonesty. Our difference in values only became a problem when they wanted me to compromise my own. Then it became a deal breaker.

At other times, I may have had reservations about people based on what I perceive their values to be. This may have been because I witnessed them being rude to wait staff, or it may have been because of gossip other people have shared with me. Regardless, I usually choose to get to know someone and test our compatibility based on my own experiences of them. Making a snap judgement based on one incident, which probably does not represent their best and true character, or listening to hearsay is the nemesis of connection.

That’s not to say I have never been burned because I didn’t listen to these warnings. I have indeed had to learn the hard way that someone was the bully that everyone warned me about, or that rudeness and a sense of entitlement did exist in a person, and the witnessed behaviour was not a once off 'bad day' kinda thing. Of course I have also been rewarded and pleasantly surprised by others who based on my experiences of them were wonderful people, even if the majority did not agree.

The thing I try hardest to value in my being, is not to judge people. Not to jump to harsh conclusions about who they are and if they are right or wrong. I try to encourage people, see the best in them, and enjoy them so long as I am not in a position of compromising my own values, I show curiosity about theirs. I try to let go of the notion that someone is better or worse, based on their values or lifestyle, and instead, see if they add value and happiness to my life, based on my own experiences of them. No 2 people will have exactly the same chemistry or bring out exactly the same characteristics.

If a friendship adds value to my life, then it is valuable, regardless of if we value the same things or not. Our differences make it interesting. We have much to learn from each other, if we show openness and curiosity instead of judgement and fear.

How have valued impacted your friendships?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx