Mumma

My friendship with my mother:

I remember as a young girl all I wanted was to feel as though my mother liked me. It is a running joke in our family that I couldn’t handle stories about times before I was born and I always resented that my older brother and my mother seemed to share a sense of humour that I just didn’t grasp.

I remember confronting my mother saying “You don’t love me, you only love him,” and her rationalising and justifying the things they had in common that I was too young to understand. It felt like I wasn’t the one who misunderstood. It felt like she was denying my reality and telling me I couldn’t trust my intuition that told me I was excluded. Of course my brother probably had similar feelings of resentment regarding my relationship with my father; being daddy’s little girl and all that. But he can write his own blog! Lol

I know now, what I was trying to say to my mother was “I don’t feel like you like me.” I suppose saying that felt much scarier because there was a chance she would say she didn’t and how could my little heart handle such a thing?! So instead I said “You don’t love me as much as you love him.” I knew she would at least reassure me of her love and I needed to feel included. But it was all happening in the right order after all. I see that now. 

Now that I am a mother myself of course, I realise how annoying my constant chatter and need for attention was, and how I was not deliberately excluded or overlooked, but that there was life outside of me that my mother had to attend to?! Gasp! Lol Mothers make the world go round in most families and mine was no different. Oh how I am sure she loved to feel she was letting me down. Not!  Mother's guilt. Ugh. Of course; children don’t stay little forever and I remember as I grew into puberty, my mother making attempts to talk to me and connect. Particularly when I was starting to have major friendship issues. (Which clearly I have never resolved! Perhaps I should have listened! haha)

By that time it became apparent that suddenly she wanted to be my friend. And instead of being grateful; I was resentful?! I thought to myself "You don’t get to ignore me until my brother meets a girl and moves out, then suddenly try and be my best friend because I am all you have left! Where were you when I needed a friend?"  So this attitude, combined with general teenage angst and my budding sexuality issues; of which I knew she would not understand nor approve, I actively and angrily denied her any friendship. Delightful child I was. Cringe. She made it clear she was my mother and she loved me, but drew a line in the sand there, I felt when I was a child. I was not going to let her cross that line in the sand easily.

I see in media and things now that it is cool to love your mum these days, and it is a trend I hope continues, however in my day it was cool to hate your mum, so I would do what I could to look for the negatives and focus on those. In reality I was lucky to have such a kind, warm and funny mother, who was seeking my friendship. If only I had the maturity at the time to realise it.

I remember when I was 16, as my maturity was growing, for Mother’s Day I played her the song “Mama” by the ‘Spice Girls.’ I knew what a friendship with me would mean for her and I attempted to give it to her for Mother's Day that year. Of course I was 16 and my friendship was fickle. The sentiment was there but I didn’t understand that the true meaning was lacking as I went back to hating her by the next day! Lol Sorry Mum.

As I continued to grow into adulthood our relationship slowly strengthened, although it was definitely tested! I am not proud of it but I can honestly say it wasn’t until I got pregnant with my son that I was finally able to embrace and value my mother’s unwavering support and friendship. I found her speaking to me like an adult; like a friend, and for the first time I was able to answer her like one and let her in. I admit I didn’t feel like I had much other choice and perhaps it was a friendship of necessity at the time being that my son’s biological father was not going to be supportive or in any way the father I had hoped to give my child; a father at all in fact.

My mother was the one at the birthing class with me and the one with me as I brought my beautiful baby into this world. I cannot describe the amount of love in that room at that moment. The emotions she felt, so strong. Proud of her daughter for giving birth and so much love for her grandson. Worried and protective of us both and excited. Wanting to be there and just do whatever she could for us both. The message was clear “I love you and I will never leave you to do this on your own if you need me.”

And in those first few months, maybe even years; need her I did! So we started spending much more time together. And as we did, something magical happened. We became friends. We liked our time together. As a parent myself I could finally understand all that she had done for me, all that she had given up. "So now I see through your eyes...." - Spice Girls ) Everything I resented her for -  she did for us out of love! And she is the only friend I will ever have who will always be there, no matter what. I haven’t always deserved it, but she has no idea how much I appreciate it. I am proud to call my mother my friend. Our relationship is far from perfect but at least we try and understand each other now.

My mother never really knew why I started calling her Mumma oneday. And now she knows, it is in reference to the song I tried to dedicate to you years ago, when I was too young to really understand and you were too busy to really listen. Sure, I spelled it wrong, which probably annoys you, lol,  but the sentiment is there!

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma! This post is for you. Thank you for the years of friendship you have offered me even when I didn’t want it or deserve it. I am sorry for all the years I hurt you and failed to understand. I am sorry for not trying harder to see you as a person; a woman, not just my mother. I am sorry for having impossibly high expectations of you and ridiculously low standards for myself in terms of our relationship.  I am so grateful we made it here. I hope I can have as strong a relationships with my own children as you do with yours. You have shown me the strength I will need to get through those teen years, and I hope you are there to support me through them. I will need you! Always. I will need you, but more than that I will always want you in my life.

 I love you. But this post is more than that. This post is “I like you.”  
 

“Back then I didn't know why, why you were misunderstood, 
So now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love, 
Mama I love you, Mama I care, 
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, 
My friend
But now I'm sure I know why, why you were misunderstood, 
So now I see through your eyes, all I can give you is love, 
Mama I love you, Mama I care, 
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, 
My friend- Spice Girls”

Thank you for the support you always offer, even for this blog. I rededicate the song to you – this time with the meaning attached. Listen to it often. I do. Cry. I do. It’s beautiful – just like you. You have always been beautiful to me. Always xx

❤ Love from Missy

Your Best Friend Forever (Notice I removed the (N)ever. Only for you!)
xx
 

Fri-END-ings

I have always thought it was ironic that we hold onto this idea that a friendship will last forever, even with little to no time, effort or contact involved, while the term friend indeed includes the word end!

We have established by now that friendships do end and it is painful when they do. Sometimes they quietly fade away, sometimes someone asks for space and sometimes one person gets “busy” and basically ghosts the other. Sometimes you fight, and stop speaking… but very seldom do you sit down and officially break up with a friend.

I have started to wonder if that is why it is so painful when a friendship ends. While a break up conversation is awkward and confronting, it leaves no real questions or ambiguity over the status, or how you should behave. No; you shouldn’t text her, or wave to her, or attempt casual conversation… because you have ended things.

Like all break ups, it might be forever or it might rekindle one day but the sentiment is clear; one of you, or maybe even both of you, don’t like each other (or at least your dynamic together) anymore and no longer wish to waste time on the friendship.

Thinking about this in terms of my own experiences takes me back to my teenage years.  I think I was 13 the first time I broke up with a friend. We had been pretty tight throughout primary school, but as we had grown she had developed a nasty habit of telling lies which bothered me, and was a bit of a taddle tale. She was the target of bullies in school and I was basically her only friend. I was also unpopular by association, however, I don’t think I would have been popular by any means either way.

By the time we reached high school we formed friends with a few other girls who I guess also didn’t find somewhere else to belong. Lol. I was able to blend into the background somewhat but the taunting and teasing followed my friend… and soon started flowing over onto our new “group.” I remember them sitting me down one day and saying they wanted her out of the group, and as I had brought her there it was my job to get rid of her.

Lesson Learned!

Clear as day I remember the conversation that followed in my bathroom that same day after school; wherein I declared that I no longer wanted to be her friend and she could not sit with us at lunch anymore…. I remember her crying and asking why and being fairly cold as I told her I was sorry but I had nothing else to say. I remember going to my bedroom and closing the door and hearing her cry in the bathroom until she left without saying goodbye.

At the time (before mobile phones) I just wanted my new friends to know I had completed the task and was actually excited to go to school the next day! Awful right? Cringe! My now, ex-friend was not there. When she did come back, she sat alone and although it didn’t pain me to see her, I did feel guilty enough to go out of my way to avoid her. About a month later her dad phoned me to ask what had happened and if we could patch things up and I remember denying that we had any real issues but that I just had made some new friends. A few months after that she dropped out of school and got a job at the local takeaway.

Years later when I heard she had become a single mother at a young age, I was anguished with guilt as I realized how terribly I had broken her heart and affected the course of her life by breaking up with her. I was determined to get in touch with her and be the good friend I should have been…. Even if it was too little too late. Of course my motivations were wrong – I wasn’t trying to help her so much as clear my conscience…. And after it seemed she had forgiven me and didn’t blame me, I really no longer felt the need to be her savior after all. We drifted apart again although on much less painful terms.

Fast forward many years on; perhaps as Karma works her magic, I consider all the times a friendship has ended on more unclear territory and I start to identify that part of the problem is the vagueness surrounding the breakups. Yes they happen, but nobody really tells you directly....You have to be tortured by exclusion and emotional withdrawal (that you can sense, but that they deny) until you finally figure it out, give up and stop trying.

While I carried around guilt about this break up for years and years…. Maybe I actually handled it the better way? Can I really hold myself responsible for her life after me? While it was peer pressure that was essentially the catalyst, it was actually something I think I wanted to do. When we spent time together later in life it appeared her tendency for stretching the truth, blaming other people and playing the victim hadn’t changed all that much and I am not really sorry that she is no longer in my life.

In more recent times, when a friend broke up with me, directly, I appreciated the frank discussion. Although it did hurt like hell; in comparison to the slow fade out that many other friends have instigated over the years – at least it was clear. I knew where we stood. We were no longer friends and I needed to move on. In theory it is easier when there is a clear ending, and indeed I did move on, although we actually reconciled not that long ago.  Which proves it may be the better option – and it isn’t always as permanent as it feels. Plus if you decide to reconcile you can have a clear discussion about what happened and how you can try and be better for one another this time around instead of guessing and making the same mistakes over again.

What is your opinion on “Ending a Friending?” Is it better just to be busy and fade away slowly; therefore keeping your options open for the future and avoiding both an ugly painful confrontation; or have the conversation and be done with it?

Please share your thoughts on this!

❤ Love
Your BFFN
xx

 

Can we really “emotionally enable” our friends?

An interesting concept has crept up for me lately, is trying to identify the fine line between being a supportive friend who empowers her friends and someone who “emotionally enables” a friends poor choices for herself and her life.

Once upon a time I had a friend who had an abusive partner. Countless times I was there for her as they broke up; and again when they got back together. I moved her in and out of his home at least 4 times. By that, I mean that with a moment’s notice, I was at her doorstep literally packing boxes and putting them in my car. I let her stay in my house with next to no notice at least 2 of those times. I was as supportive a friend as I can be; with tissues and rom-coms and alcohol and ice cream and pizza at the ready nights on end. But no matter what I did (and no matter what he did for that matter!) she always went back to him. She loved him.

At some point I started to grow weary of listening to her endless list of complaints against him while she did nothing to change it. They basically had the same fight over and over again. Not about the same things but you know what I mean?! The last time I moved her out of his place I said to her “every time you go back to him he hurts you. Every time he hurts you he is also hurting me and I wont do this anymore. Stop letting him hurt us both. If you go back to him this time you go without me.”  (Aka: The Ultimatum! Never a good plan. Never! I had so much to learn!)

You can guess what she did right? Yep. Not only did she go back to him, she agreed to move overseas with him too?! As you do! Lol She quit her job and sold their place at a loss I believe (which she bought with him after the 2nd time she moved out I think) and packed her things and they booked plane tickets?!! They probably did other important things too; like arrange passports, visa’s, accommodation etc… but you get the dramatic effect I am going for here. Lol Anyway. A week, maybe less than a week before they were due to depart he left her for someone else. No joke. HE. LEFT. HER! (Thank goodness he did, but honestly she deserved the satisfaction of knowing she finally made the right choice for herself…. Except let’s be honest, she didn’t feel it was right. Not back then anyway. We have no way of knowing if she EVER would have left him of her own accord although I like to hope she would have.)

I wasn’t around at the time all of this happened, because I felt that being there had somehow “emotionally enabled” her to keep making bad choices with her life – knowing I would be there to catch her. So I wasn’t. I left her life. And she was ok. She never did get back with him! (Although her next relationship wasn’t really any less dramatic. She also had much to learn!) I heard about this through mutual friends and I was torn, but I decided to reach out, being that he had left the country. (Either with someone else or to be with someone else – I’m not too sure of the exact specifics. It doesn’t matter. Point was, he was finally gone!)

She allowed me back into her life and I expressed how I had missed her. I thought, however misguidedly, that she would reciprocate the sentiment and say how right I was about him, and how crazy she had been to choose him over me (platonically) never mind what a huge bullet she dodged by not moving overseas with him. So you can imagine my shock when she was so ANGRY with me.  From her perspective I had abandoned her in her time of need. I was not a good supportive friend, and leaving her had only isolated her further and made it easier for him to hurt her.

Although my intentions were pure, and came from a good place, my delivery was wrong. I can now see her point, hindsight is useless like that hey? Sigh. Essentially in a bid to stop “emotionally enabling” her I had cut off her support network and cut off my own nose to spite my face! I lost a friend, (she eventually left my life permanently for unrelated reasons… on the surface anyway) and she lost a valuable life support. Maybe I was no smarter than her in my emotional life choices after all?  I told her I was sorry about 1000 times but it was never enough. She never forgave me in the end, not really I don’t think.
 

To be honest I didn’t think she would choose him. We were like sisters. I guess she never thought she would have to choose and essentially a woman will always follow her heart. I know that now. I was using emotional separation from me (some would say an equally abusive tactic) to try and control her into not going back to him. I was done trying to influence her choices with my words, listening, support, food and friendship and instead trying to force her to lead her life my way?! Cringe.

Honestly I only wanted what was best for her, but I couldn’t see or understand this was her own journey, her own lesson and her own life and the only way for her to get over this was through it – on her own. Maybe because we were like sisters; instead of like friends; I had lost the ability to stand back objectively and be LESS INVESTED. Which is exactly what she needed. Funny, isn’t it, how sometimes the answer is to care less, not more? In my post Friends are not the family you choose for yourself; I discuss this in more detail – that one of the benefits of friendships is that they can offer you a less invested and less judgmental support than family for the exact reason that they are friends NOT family. I failed her here. I know that now.

I thought I was “emotionally enabling” her to go back to him time and time again, but the truth is – she was going to do that anyway. I could not enable her! I could not force her or influence her for that matter. My support, and my logic, was flawed from the beginning! It never had anything to do with me and I had no place trying to involve myself and get into a position of power to manipulate what I thought was the best outcome for her! My opinion about her choices was irrelevant. And unnecessary. She asked for my help not my advice and certainly not my opinion! I was yet to learn the difference.

What she needed from me, was empowerment. She needed me to remind her of all the beauty and wonder that she was. To remind her how strong and capable she was and to trust in her intuition and know no matter if she made mistakes that she was capable of dealing with the fall out. That I believed in her and when she was ready to make the choices or changes she needed to make for herself I would be right there celebrating or commiserating with her. That we all make mistakes and it is ok. That I would always be there for her no matter what and nobody would ever isolate her from me. And when it came to her partners I would listen and validate her opinion, even as it changed dramatically in the course of minutes! Lol

I know in my own life, if my friends disapprove of what I am doing, I have a tendency to pull away and just stop telling them things. Which isn’t very conducive to friendship, but then again neither is disapproval… because it’s opposite is approval. We shouldn’t seek approval from our friends, we should seek acceptance. The concepts are quite different if you think about it. More I was yet to learn! All things I hope you will ponder for your own lives and friendships after you read this. Learn from my mistakes!!

So in answer to my question “Can we really "emotionally enable" our friends?” I think the answer is no. We can’t live their life for them and we shouldn’t try. Focus on your own life and empower your friends to live theirs in whatever way they need to, knowing you will always be there, not judging, criticising them or waiting to say ‘I told you so’ or threatening to leave, (they have parents for that!) but empowering them and feeling what they feel (with them,) not for them. By loving them a little bit less in these circumstances, you are loving them a little bit more. Life is funny like that with all it’s contradictions isn’t it?

What are your thoughts on this? I’d love to hear your experiences.

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Bullying by exclusion

Relational aggression is the most common among girls and women in terms of anger and expression of negative emotion. What it boils down to is that when a woman is upset with you she will not necessarily tell you – she will punish you with various forms of withdrawal.

It may be as simple as waiting a few hours before returning your message, or it may be as extreme as walking out of your life forever; possibly without ever giving you the chance to ever really understand what happened or why.

Commonly within female friendships there is a range of tactics used that fall under the relational aggression umbrella. While a woman may remain sweet to your face, she may be quietly poisoning your other relationships by talking to your other friends about you in a negative context, or sharing your secrets with them behind your back.

Alternatively she may start being extra sweet to you – keeping her enemies close, and be working to sabotage you in ways you can’t even imagine, from telling you something is fat free when she knows damned well it isn’t, to lying directly to your face while she sleeps with your partner.

The most common form of relational aggression is bullying by exclusion. One of the hardest things about this type of bullying is that the excluded party can feel it, yet it can be difficult to prove. In an older post about group friendships I have spoken about a time when my friends all arranged a girls weekend without me and then accidentally emailed me about it.  I have trouble thinking about that moment even now and the feelings of hurt and anger and confusion that swept over me all at once. Of course I pretended to be cool with it – they were allowed to be friends with each other without me, right? Except I wasn’t cool with it.

It Literally hurts!

I wondered what I had done wrong that they wouldn’t invite me, and if they had decided to not invite me on purpose or just forgotten me. Not that one was better than the other. If I was really their friend I felt neither would be true. Of course I allowed myself to indulge in some pretty negative thought spirals where they all sat around agreeing to conspire against me, how they would keep it from me, and the lies they would tell me, or not tell me at all. I imagined them all discussing all the ways I would ruin the trip if I went along and basically laughing at my expense about what a loser I am and how they didn’t like me anymore and were better off without me. I felt excluded. I didn’t express it at the time, but I felt bullied.

Bullying by exclusion is real, but yet I felt I couldn’t express it. If I did they would minimise it and call me petty and jealous and tell me that they were allowed to have friendships with one another and that I didn’t own them. And they would have been right too. I told myself it was the secret nature of the event that bothered me, but really; had they sat me down and explained they were going without me I still would have felt excluded and sad. The fact that they didn’t directly tell me though, plays into it – they knew what they were doing was going to hurt me, and they knew they were going to do it anyway. This was my problem not theirs. Relational aggression is indirect in nature, because then we don’t have to hold ourselves accountable and it is harder for other people to hold us accountable.  I regret not saying “I feel bullied and I am questioning your loyalty and all of these friendships as a result. I expected more from you.”

And therein lies the problem. I expected to be invited and included on a trip I knew nothing about. Part of the reason relational aggression is so rampant is that the rules of friendship, female friendship especially, are so undefined. I had never sat with the group of women over wine and said “Ladies, if you are ever planning a girls weekend away together I expect to be invited.” Yet I was let down when the unspoken law was broken? Similarly my friend at the time had never said to me “If you or anyone in your family has a health scare or issue, I expect to be one of the first to know.” And similarly that did not stop her from being upset by her unmet and unspoken expectation.

Bullying by exclusion is real and isolating a person is permanently damaging to her sense of self-worth.

However, recently I have found myself in a situation whereby one friend may feel that my friendship with someone else is taking away from our friendship, or perhaps taking me away from her. Or possibly, the issue could be that she feels that my friendship with the other person involved is disrupting their friendship with each other. (Which once felt closer than it does now to my friend.) I find myself feeling guilty that while my friendship with someone grows closer, as a result of this another much loved friend feels hurt and further away from us both. I never intended for one friendship to take away from the other. I also question how much responsibility I can assume over the fact perhaps their relationship is not as close with each other as it was before?

If I am doing all I can to maintain both friendships, to ensure both people feel valued, heard and loved, is it not my friends' responsibility to do the same with each other? Just because I happen to be close with each of them, does that mean their friendship break down is my fault or my responsibility to fix it? If I try; will I be thanked for it or be scolded for meddling and speaking out of turn?

Unlike my younger self, my friend was able to express her hurt and jealousy directly and instead of justifying my reasons, I wanted to hear her and let her know regardless of what happens in her other friendships we are still solid. This is true even though I intend to maintain a friendship with both of them regardless of their relationship with each other. I did not want to minimise what is a very real issue. If she has said I am hurting her, rumour has it that I don't get to decide that I haven't or that what she feels is silly. It isn't. I value that she trusted me enough to express her emotions and gave me a chance to apologise and reassure her. 

All I know is that I don’t want to feel like I am participating in relational aggression. My question then becomes – Is it still bullying by exclusion if I continue to spend time with each of them exclusively; knowing that my friend feels deliberately left out when I am hanging out with our other friend alone?  My immediate solution is to arrange a group event, and make sure we keep making them in the future so everyone feels as important and liked as they are, and make sure I am spending as much time as I can with each of them, exclusively, whenever we both can. I have to surrender responsibility for how much time they spend together without me though.

Does that sound like a fair and reasonable solution to you?  Should we have a group meeting to discuss jealousy and expectation and how to manage it? What are your suggestions for managing jealousy in friend groups of 3 or more? I am seriously interested in your help ladies. Lol

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When they think you want to be more than friends, but you don’t.

Recently I wrote some posts about when you want to be more than friends and alternatively when your friend wants to be more than friends, to cover both the angles. That seemed pretty comprehensive, but on reflection there is actually this awkward third category “when they think you want to be more than friends…”

The “they” in this scenario can easily be the friend who insists that you have a crush on them even though you don’t, or it could refer to other friends and family who seem unable to comprehend, accept or trust that you are happy with a platonic connection with someone.

This is an awkward position to be in because the person in question is your friend. You don’t want to take anything away from them by stating that you don’t find them attractive, and this is even trickier if the accusation is coming from the friend themselves. Even if it isn’t, it is possible to remain friends with someone conventionally attractive and yet not want something romantic from them.

Perhaps that person has traits or qualities that you would not tolerate in a partner, however much you enjoy them as a friend. If you want to keep them as a friend you certainly don’t want to point these out or focus on them heavily when they don’t impact your friendship. The same is true if you don’t feel that you share the same core values or beliefs that would be important to you as a partner but are irrelevant as a friend.

Of course perhaps it is even more uncomfortable to be confronted with this situation when there really isn’t a reason. Maybe it is chemistry, or maybe it is circumstantial or maybe your timing with them has never been right. Whatever the reason, it is tricky to deny you have feelings for someone without hurting that person or taking away from your friendship.

If you find yourself in the awkward third category, my advice is say nothing! Anything you say or do can and will be used against you! If you protest or get defensive it only strengthens their case against you and if you smile or laugh you seem guilty as charged.  Redirect the conversation or simply say “I’ve never thought about it” and move on.

You don’t have to justify why you like someone or why you don’t, not to them and not to anybody else. Feelings don’t always make sense and trying to explain them is futile. Matter of fact, you can say that if you want! At the end of the day, does it really matter if people think you have a crush on someone even if you don’t? Maybe they need to believe that to feel better about themselves? It seems harmless. Unless they have a crush on you…. In which case refer back to the other 2 category posts! 

The important thing to remember is that nobody else gets to tell you how you feel. You know your truth, hold onto that and hold your head up high. Keep being true to yourself, conducting your friendships the way you feel comfortable and take it as a compliment that people think your friendship style is above and beyond! Go you!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend wants to be more than friends…

Ok, so my last post before Easter: When you want to be more than friends, was for those of us more on the unrequited and pining side of the story. This post is for those of you who may find yourself on the receiving end of such affections from a much loved but platonic buddy with whom you want to stay PLATONIC friends.

So, if I try to picture this scenario from the other perspective, I imagine it goes a little something like this: You have an amazing friend, maybe even a best friend, or probably at least a relatively close friend. You and said friend always enjoy your time together and tell each other lots of personal details. You support each other and celebrate each other and you’d never want to do anything to hurt them. You want nothing but the best for them and you are pretty confident they feel the same. You are so glad you met and grateful to call this person a friend. You can’t imagine a future without them in it. In extreme cases, your visions of growing old may include living next door to said person and double dating with their partner and your own, and venting to one another about said partners. It’s a dream scenario.

Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, said friend suggests you cut out the "middle men" and just get together yourselves. The 2 of you…. In a romantic relationship…. You try and let this suggestion sink in. For whatever reason, you just can’t imagine it, or frankly you just don’t want to. Lets be blunt and admit that you probably aren’t attracted to your friend. This might be true even if they are conventionally attractive to other people. You have just never thought of them that way, right? 

Well, let me tell you there is NO way to gently tell a person you are not attracted to them, and no great explanations as to why that will never change. Don’t go there. Please. Your friend has not come to the decision to confess lightly and they probably hold even the smallest hope that you feel similarly. Telling them you find them unattractive will damage their self-esteem and your friendship. This is still true even if you say “I am not attracted to you that way.” Remember when we talked about too much honesty? That is a good example.

It is a tricky situation, I know. In my own experiences with other women, I have been told “I am heterosexual, sorry.” That is a perfectly valid reason. Right? Yes, it is, however, in those circumstances it still points to the fact that I am not attractive to the object of desire, which can make it kinda hard to look at them in the eyes in future and not feel ugly. When your friend is already feeling naked and vulnerable, and an embarrassing rejection is upon them, it becomes your job to throw them a blanket while still making sure they feel comfortable.

It is also not recommended that you say things like “Our friendship is perfect the way it is and I don’t want to risk that for a romance which may break our friendship.” Again, that is a valid argument, and probably true. However your friend has obviously considered this and decided the risk was worth it for them. Saying this may imply that they care less for the friendship than you do. That’s not how they see it, I assure you.

Which brings me to my next point…. You may begin to question if this person ever was your friend or if they were playing along all the while with ulterior motives. You might even be angry and feel as though they are implying that you owe them in some way because they have been such a great friend. Be very careful before you accuse them of this. It may be true, however it is more likely that even if they had attractions to you from the beginning that they decided friendship with you was better than nothing at all. I know that makes it sound like your friendship is a crappy consolation prize… ouch. Of course you didn’t say they were ugly and they didn’t say you were a consolation prize, but both things can easily seem true if you let them. What you say and what someone hears can be totally different so the less you say the better.

The most likely scenario is that your friend really did like you as a friend until they realised somewhere along the line that they had started liking you more than that and decided to confess in one form or another. You were great friends up until this point based on trust for each of your positive intention towards the other, so do what you can to foster and protect this positive intention and trust. In this instance both of you need to think more about the other person than yourselves.

Right....All that is well and good – what not to say - but what should you say? Regardless of their method of delivery, I recommend being mature and direct, not whimsical, silent or misleading. I suggest saying something along the lines of “Thank you for telling me. While I do not reciprocate your feelings, I love that we always communicate so openly about everything and I do hope that will continue. This doesn’t change anything for me, and I trust you will handle your feelings in such a way that things will not change between us.”

It doesn't mislead them with hope by using terms like "right now" or "if things were different" or even "I wish..." It doesn't make light of their feelings. You are not explaining how you feel or do not feel, or why? Feelings cannot be explained and you can tell them this if they push for a reason. After that you have my permission to tell them you have nothing more to say on the matter and move on. It isn’t a negotiation. While you have undoubtedly hurt someone, don’t forget who handed you the weapon. You have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for.  Of course your friend may need some space or distance to get over his or her feelings for you or recover from the rejection and you have to respect that.

Continue contacting them as you normally would, however respect it if they take some time to bounce back. If the friendship is true it will recover with time and patience on both sides. Let your friend dictate if they feel comfortable hanging out or joking about the issue etc… And resist the urge to flirt with your friend to boost your ego or look for clues that they were flirting with you or checking you out. In order for the issue to resolve, both of you need to put it out of your minds, and continue moving forward with positive intention and trust in your friendship.

Good Luck

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is the healthiest Easter treat, and it’s sweet like chocolate too!

Easter time is traditionally celebrated with family, and regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, usually celebrated with some form of chocolate! You know what else is sweet like chocolate? Friendship, and it has less calories and more health benefits too!

Many of us fail to reach out to friends over this period assuming that everyone else is too busy with family for time with friends. I know so many people who go away for the weekend to make the most of this extended time off with their partner, children and even extended families. This makes sense. However, some professions like police, hospital staff, prison workers, fire and emergency services and many other industries soldier on as usual.

For my family, that means my husband works. While I will still see our extended family on Easter Sunday, that leaves me with 3 days to play with on my own. It would be easy for me to assume all my friends are busy with family, and not reach out, however it is just as easy to reach out and see who is available.

I would much rather spend this time enjoying social activities with my friends than cleaning the house out of boredom. (Ok those of you who know me I have never in my life been “that bored!” haha)

So don’t assume everyone is busy. ASK! Maybe your friend’s partner has to work, or maybe they don’t have a partner or any family around, or maybe they will be home but not planning anything particularly special. Don’t wait to be invited, plan something for yourself. Maybe host a group gathering one day or see a few friends individually over a few days?  
This is one of the few times of year when MOST people do get a break and a bit of extra time to play with. What better way to spend it than playing with your friends? You know what goes well with chocolate and friendship? Wine. True story. 

However you spend it, I hope your Easter and your friendships are sweet and filled with love and laughter.

Happy Easter

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

When you want to be more than friends.

A good friend of mine recently said something that caused me to burst into spontaneous Michael Bolton song lyrics (as you do! Lol) and it triggered my need to fish out my greatest hits album which I willingly confess I love! (Yes, I know all the words to all of the songs! Cringe!) Belting my heart out in the car to “How am I supposed to live without you” was so cathartic!  All the painful emotions bubbled up to remind me of all the times I have held a secret (or not so secret as the case may be) flame for a friend.

“I’m too proud for cryin’.  I didn’t come here to break down. It’s just a dream of mine is comin’ to an end…. And how can I blame you, when I built my world around, the hope that one day, we’d be so much more than friends”  - Michael Bolton – ‘How am I supposed to live without you.’ (I suspect he never told her?! What do you think?) 

It is such a delicate situation that so many people I speak to are familiar with. You love your friend so much. You get along so well with them and they embody so many characteristics of your ideal romantic partner. Usually, the more time you spend with them, the more attractive they become to you! Before you even realise it you are looking for signs that they reciprocate and that is where it gets tricky!

The thing is that they do reciprocate! You know they love you, value you and see your worth. So was that hug just a friendly hug or did it linger? Did you catch them checking out your butt or did you sit on some chocolate at some point and they were assessing the ominous brown stain there now? Lol There are only a few ways to find out; ask them, confess how you feel or make a move. Eek!

It sounds simple enough…. So why the big deal then? Because if they don’t feel the same way, you will feel embarrassed, and somehow, suddenly not good enough for them. This is true even if their reasons for not reciprocating are valid. In my life, for example, many friends (probably more than I am comfortable admitting to) have had to reject me on the basis of gender. If you are not of the preferred gender of your friend crush then you can expect a rejection. And let me assure you even the gentlest rejection that is not really personal in any way will still hurt. Like a bitch! So if a rejection (that you actually expect) can hurt so much, imagine how far you have to fall if you have convinced yourself that they do reciprocate and find out that you are mistaken. Cringe.

Added to that is the question – will this revelation change things if they do reciprocate, or even if they don’t? Will your expectations of them as a romantic/affectionate/sexual partner change? Will they still feel comfortable with you post revelation, or start to create distance because they feel uncomfortable around you now? Will you trust each other’s positive intentions and that there is no ulterior motives? Will this revelation undermine your current relationship and make them think you were never genuine to begin with? Will you still be able to like someone who just stomped on your heart? Or what if you get together and it doesn’t work – will you be able to resume your platonic status again? Will this affect your mutual friends either way? Will they laugh at you or think you are joking? If they don’t reciprocate (or even if you decide not to tell them) will you be able to watch them fall for someone else and be genuinely happy for them?

All these questions are valid and if you tell them I assure you it is a huge risk! Why then, did I decide to confess, especially in circumstances when I knew the dice would not roll in my favour? Good question! (Gambling habit perhaps?! Lol) I will tell you the answers to that question, but that doesn’t mean I necessarily think it is good advice!  The reasons I chose to confess? Well my blog is called confessions so obviously it is a 'thing' for me! Lol But seriously, most of the time my friends already knew. And I knew they already knew. I can’t say I am particularly subtle in my crushes. Sometimes they downright asked me or they just stated it as fact. To. My. Face! Colour me red! Lol What do you say to that? Can you actually inoffensively deny such an accusation?! Lol Anyway… Why lie? Why deny it? In instances where I volunteered the information it was usually because I either thought there was a fair chance of reciprocation (I was wrong!) or because I wanted the friend in question to please be sensitive of my feelings.

Does that make sense? I don’t want to be the friend who you gush to about your new partner. I don’t want you to hide it, but please know I don’t want it rubbed in my face. I will meet him or her but please don’t suck their face off in front of me, yeah? I don’t need proof you don’t like me or that you do like them. I already feel pretty exposed and ugly and small and vulnerable. Respect that. Tell me about him via message or email, so I can hide the painful look on my face. Yes I really am your friend, and yes I really do want you to be happy, but I also wanted you for myself, so allow me to grieve that. However unrealistic it was for my friend, I held a secret hope right? And that is probably the most honest reason to confess. No matter how much the odds are stacked against you, we all want and need that reciprocation and validation. If you never say anything you may never know what you are missing. What is the expression "We regret the things we didn't do or say more than the things we did?" or something like that.  In the absence of that reciprocation, we need empathy and compassion. We can only get that by being honest with the other person about our feelings.  On the plus side, many  great Flirtationships have been born from my confessions! Lol And even a great relationship or 2. I have no regrets. :) 

Things to remember if you do confess: For you, your crush may seems obvious but it might be a total surprise for them. It is a good idea to make it a statement of how you feel, not a question. Remember that, and allow them time to think and carefully respond.  If they never do, you have your answer! Don’t push it. Focus your attention on yourself, but don’t blame or bully yourself. Allow yourself the love and care that you need and focus on other people and things you enjoy. There is happiness outside of them either way, I promise. Most people choose to confess over a drink, so they can blame that and save their dignity if it all goes pear shaped. If you do choose this method then freak out and blame the drink before they respond, you deny yourself the answer and you are right back to square one. Have courage in your convictions!

I sometimes wonder if I should have denied my feelings, but I believe in honest friendships. That means being honest about how I feel (about everything) and trusting my friend to treat me with kindness and respect despite the outcome. I have lost very few friends over this because for most of them it made no difference. Well no difference to them anyway. They weren’t afraid of me, they didn’t create distance or get weird and uncomfortable. Most of them did not shy away from the topic and quite a few have teased me about it and never let me live it down. None of them imposed strict rules like no hugging etc… because they know I am not a predator. Most of them took it as a highest compliment. All of this helps, but essentially if you do get hurt they can’t be the person to pick you up from this rejection. A good question to ask yourself before you confess is do you have someone else to confide in – whatever happens. If the answer to that is no, you may find the risk is too big.

So overall what is my advice? I can’t tell you what to do, but if you are reading this (not because you just love my stuff, although now I hope you do!) then I’d say the chances are high that you want to confess. I can’t promise you it is a good idea, but I can promise you that you will be ok either way, it is not as URGENT as it feels, and I will be here in waiting, so let me know what you decide to do and how it pans out for you!

Good Luck.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

“Just” friends? Really?....

My biggest supporter sent me a link and prompted me to write this article! Thanks Mum! Lol

I have read a few interesting articles recently about the word “Just” and how it intentionally takes power away from the thing that follows it.  It doesn’t matter if you are saying you are ‘just’ an office worker, or ‘just’ a mother, or qualifying yourself in asking for something or stating an opinion; for example: I was ‘just’ wondering, or I ‘just’ think…..
Why is the ‘just’ necessary? You are never ‘just’ anything. It minimises you, apologises or disqualifies you as a full individual with a right to powerfully exist! The same can be said for friendships. How many of you can relate to having to just-ify (there’s that word again, it’s a sneaky bugger! Lol) a friendship and disqualify romantic intent to someone by stating that you and so and so are ‘just’ friends? This disqualification is so common that of course there is even a rom-com named after it!

It doesn’t matter that this person may in fact be one of the most important relationships in your world at the moment; without any conscious consideration you will take away all its power and meaning by dismissing it with the word ‘just.’ I know you don’t mean to do this, but when you stop and really think about it – what do you mean when you say ‘just’ in this context? Do you mean less than romantic? Are platonic relationships less than romantic ones in some way? Is their friendship a placeholder for romance or in some way a crappy consolation prize to the romance you really want? Or does the friendship have merit and significance in its own right? If what you mean is platonic, I urge you to empower your friendships by listing the positive qualities of your friend and how much they mean to you and qualify them with the word platonic instead of disqualifying them with the word ‘just!’ Example: “Fred is an amazing man, I am so lucky to have such a strong, handsome platonic male friend in my life. Our friendship is perfect as it is, and I know Fred will make a wonderful husband for some other lucky lady someday. I look forward to being her friend too!”

The other way we use the term ‘just’ friends is in relation to friendship problems and unfriendings. Having experienced this particular breed of pain myself a few times, I can assure you that breaking up with a friend is no less painful than breaking up with a romantic partner. In my experience it is actually more painful than a romantic split, but maybe I’m the only one who feels that way? I doubt it though. Lol Anyway, what I have found from people rather than empathy and support in these circumstances, is a reluctance to get involved (understandable) and a complete refusal to accept my pain. The whole friendship is invalidated when people say “Why are you so upset? You were ‘just’ friends!” Ah…. No. We were not ‘JUST’ friends. We were friends! Maybe we were close friends, long standing friends or best friends?! Does that mean nothing?  Even if we were none of those things we chose to be in each other’s lives to some capacity so our relationship was important. The loss of that relationship is also important. It is not ‘JUST’ anything, except over!

We should never have to justify or explain our platonic relationships or our feelings about them away. Friendships exist. They are paramount for happiness. Feelings exist. Expression of said feelings is paramount for mental health. Using the word ‘just’ in context to friendships really isn’t necessary. ‘Just’ stop! Hahaha It’s ok when I say it! Lol Scratch that. Stop! Make a mental note to remove the word ‘just’ from your vocabulary or at least question the context in which you use it?! Please! Familiarise yourself with the definitions of the word ‘just’ before you use it! Apparently women do this more than men.  Let’s change that statistic ladies. ‘Just’ one word at a time. Or not, as the case may be! Haha :) 

Good Luck!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Seriously!

How much honesty is too much in friendships?

I am the first one to wax lyrical about the importance of honesty in friendships. I standby the notion that in order to thrive, a friendship does need honesty. You need to at very least be your full honest self and that includes the vulnerability to expose your weaknesses, differences and imperfections. If you cannot expose who you really are to someone, it stands to reason that you will never really know or trust if they like you for who you really are or just the image of yourself that you project. One may work better than the other, but the other will bring more personal satisfaction, connectedness and contentedness… and is actually way more genuine and less exhausting.  

We all care what other people think – some much more than others. It is normal (although questionably unhealthy) to project a certain image of yourself and go to some lengths to protect and preserve that image. I know I have been guilty of leaving out certain points in a scenario if I think it makes me look bad or invalidates my point on retelling a story. That said, my true friends, they already know what I am like and will usually ask the hard questions that make me sheepishly smile and admit that perhaps I did say or do something that might have been relevant. Haha They see behind the image and that is important. I see behind theirs too. Ironically we know the truth whilst helping one another preserve our self-images – both the images we project to the outside world and the images we hold of ourselves.

My friends can also trust me to give my honest opinion in a gentle manner. If a friend asks me “do I look fat in this?” She can trust that I will be tactful in my answer. I might indicate that I liked the other outfit better, suggest an alternative, or being aware of her own issues, perhaps suggest a jacket or a belt to help hide the flaws that she feels self-conscious about. This interaction requires us to have an honest enough friendship that she has disclosed her body issues to me, and trust that I have heard and understood them. We need to really trust someone has our best interests at heart to take their opinion and expose our vulnerabilities in asking such questions. The trick is to focus on the positives. Yes is never a good answer! Nor is saying "it's more your body that makes you look fat than your clothes!!" haha (Yes, someone did say that to me!)

It’s not dishonest; it’s tactful because there is always such a thing as too much honesty. I have to admit that sometimes my caring for a friend has led me down a dark path of believing that I have a right or even a responsibility to tell her something I feel is a truth. What I have learned from said  experiences is that what I have perceived as a truth, she has perceived as little more than an unwelcome opinion! This can relate to clothing, colours, hair styles, career or relationship choices and pretty much anything else. 

When it comes to her major life choices – the courses she studies, the person she dates, the career she chooses, her chosen religion or values, her choice to have children or not have them, and even lifestyle issues such as how often she drinks alcohol, or exercises are areas where I advise you proceed with caution and know the boundaries of your friendship.

At our core we all want to feel like valuable capable mature individuals. When a friend questions our choices or points out our mistakes, we feel judged, misunderstood, and as though our friend questions our ability to competently run our own life.  No matter how strong a friendship is, if you make someone feel this way, you will be met with walls, distance and perhaps a direct confrontation and dissolution of your friendship. Be warned - do not question your friends choices lightly. Know when it is your place to speak and when it isn't. I have learned this the hard way, but have indeed learned! 

One of the major requirements of friendship is to provide a supportive role. There is nothing supportive about telling her how wrong she is about core things. I know you might be worried for her, but it is not your job to fix her, protect her or live her life for her. It is your job to build her up to the point where she believes she has the capability to handle whatever life throws at her and fix it for herself. Yes, maybe she isn’t choosing the most reliable partner, or drinking more than you think she should, or always studying things you know she wont finish. Whatever the issue, we all do make mistakes, and it is your job to support her as she comes to these conclusions herself and encourage her to have the strength to fix her own mistakes. There is no place for I told you so because if you did, you probably exercised too much honesty!

Too much honesty undermines your friend and it undermines your foundation. Her positive associations with you quickly disintegrate and feelings of resentment and judgement take their place. Even if your friend asks for your opinion, stick to the positives – that you admire her ability to take chances, and you know that if things don’t go as expected she has the strength and power to correct things for herself.  Be there for her and empower her to make changes as she feels ready. Remember the choice is hers. Respect that. She is on her own journey, not yours. What you think is best for her isn’t relevant.

On the other hand, if it is you who feels you can’t be as honest as you wish you could be with a friend, ask yourself the hard questions. Which aspect of your image are you insecure about and why? At the end of the day, what you think about yourself matters more than what your friend or anybody else thinks. Usually if we hide something in favour of an image, it is a defence mechanism that indicates that we feel our friend would be correct in their judgement of us. (As it is already what we secretly feel about ourselves.) If this is the issue, worry less about your image and more about making sure your behaviours are in line with the image you wish to project.

The last thing to consider is time. Friendships take time to develop trust. We disclose as much as our friendship can handle based on the level of intensity and intimacy we share. People slowly open up to one another and this is normal and healthy. Burdening a new friendship with all your baggage is a bad plan. For example; (not the most relatable for many of you, but we all have something we are careful about disclosing)  most of my close friends know that I am not heterosexual. This is an important part of my identity. I do not however announce it to everyone I meet immediately. That would be too much for a new friendship to handle. It is not because I am ashamed, but I will usually slowly disclose this information as the conversations naturally flow in that direction. In this manner I can assess not  only “if this person will accept me as their friend despite this potentially perceived flaw in character,” but also “if this person is someone I can trust and feel comfortable with to develop into a true close friendship with over time.” If I make hints about the topic and am met with homophobic responses, I am unlikely to expose myself for further rejection. Instead I will realise this is not someone with whom I feel comfortable enough to call a close friend and I behave accordingly. Does that make sense? The friendship will not become close because I have decided not to disclose my truest self. 

How honest are you with your friends? Where do you think the boundaries lie? What constitutes a lie, and what omissions are deal breakers? Are your mates friends with the real you or the image you project? Share your thoughts.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Fertility and Friendships. Are your friendships fertile, even if one of you is not?

Friendships start developing way before our minds and bodies, and it can be easy to forget that while we are all on the same page as young people, these changes will affect our friendships as time goes on. Nobody knows that like the woman who discovers she has fertility issues. While it was once a good thing to be the winner of "not getting pregnant," the glory of the title fades pretty quickly when the time does come. As all your friends start settling down, moving in together, getting married and getting pregnant, it is easy to fall victim to the expectation that you will be moving right along with them. The sense of loss and grief that can be experienced as the one who is left behind can be enough to tear long standing friendships apart if the friendships themselves are not fertile.

Speaking to a few women who have sadly experienced this for themselves, a few things stand out. When the "fertility challenged" woman hears about her friend’s pregnancy she is torn. It is normal and acceptable for her to feel happy for her friend while at the same time feel a contradictory sense of longing, grief and unfairness for herself.  As a result of this, the woman in question may be over involved as she over compensates for all the love and excitement she has for a baby with no other outlet, or alternatively, she may be withdrawn and show little interest as the reminder is too painful for her to cope with. She may alternate between the 2 extremes. As her friend it is your responsibility to keep being there for her, asking her about her own life, and sharing your news (Pregnancy news is best delivered by email so she can conceal her private immediate reaction for herself.) You do not need to feel guilty. She doesn’t want you to be unhappy or sorry for her.  She knows it isn’t your fault and you can’t fix it for her. She wants you to understand, be patient and not make this whole friendship about you and your pregnancy. You may talk about your struggles and triumphs at motherhood and you must also listen to her heartaches and her triumphs in this and other areas. Your friendship with her needs to be fertile enough to nurture and understand her sadness, while also not excluding her from your life and your celebrations. There is room for both.

The next thing that stands out is to keep making time for your childless friend. You can let her dictate how much that will include the new addition to your life. If she wants to help and be involved, allow her. If she prefers to have minimal involvement respect that. I know your free time without the baby will be limited, but it can be done even if she visits you for coffee while the baby naps. Remember you are still a person with hobbies and interests outside of the baby and so is your friend. Don’t allow your friendship to be defined by your differences in this. Do not let your fertility, or lack thereof, define either of you. Your friendship needs to be fertile enough to allow both people to grow in their own directions and not take away from each other as people.

One woman in particular said she felt a drift in her friendship when the fertile friend miscarried. The friend who miscarried assumed that the infertile person took some sort of satisfaction from her misfortune which jeopardised their friendship considerably. They had stopped trusting the positive intentions of each other and suddenly found themselves at odds over an imagined grievance which could have brought them closer. Your friendship needs to be fertile enough to grow and nurture trust and positivity.

The “fertility challenged” women spoke of feeling left out of group activities. Their “breeder” friends excluded them from baby showers and christenings, birthday parties and casual morning teas with other mothers.  From the perspective of the woman struggling to conceive, this only pointed out her perceived failing and added salt to the wound - making her feel even more isolated at a time she was craving extra support. In instances where they actually were invited, people either expected them to watch the babies the whole time or, alternatively, nobody at all even mentioned babies as though it was the pink elephant in the room. These women who struggle don’t want to be taken advantage of babysitting wise, or tiptoed around. They may want to discuss their struggle, you wont know if you don’t ask. Be unassuming, and avoid statements that indicate blame or a perceived desired outcome. You need to respect that this is a big and important issue in your friend’s life and she may be considering other options that you never had to. She probably wants people to talk to about this and support her.  Your friendship needs to be strong enough to nurture differences in outcomes and strategies, and embrace and support them.

The women struggling with fertility (their own or that of their partner) said some of their friends felt they couldn’t discuss parenting with them. If the fertile woman admitted she struggled with motherhood she worried she would be perceived as ungrateful and if she discussed how amazing motherhood was, she felt it may be perceived to be rubbing salt in the proverbial wound. Your friendship needs to be fertile enough to nurture strength and balance and know the difference between the 2 extremes, and trust that your friend will express herself if she feels hurt or angry by what you have said. If she does express hurt or anger your friendship needs to be fertile enough to foster the understanding and empathy your friend needs.  

There are the women I spoke to whom, for whatever reason, were longing for a child but who had not had one - primarily due to a lack of paternal options. This may be, for example, because she spent years climbing the corporate ladder, has high religious beliefs and values, is homosexual, due to illness, or because she simply had not met the man with whom she felt procreation would be a suitable outcome. (Or a host of other valid reasons and contributing factors!) These childless women felt they faced judgement for their choices, values and morals and as though this was in some way their own fault and people did not feel for them or care about their struggle. Rather they felt minimised and criticised for their “choices” and unsupported and misunderstood. Your friendships need to be fertile enough to nurture acceptance, not judgement, at the choices your friends make even if they are different to your own.

The most overlooked women are those with secondary infertility, meaning they have one child or more already and are struggling with having another. These women suffer insensitivity from friends, mostly hearing that they should be grateful for the child or children they already have and are basically told their dream of more is irrelevant and not to be grieved.  Your friendship needs to be fertile enough to nurture sensitivity and support. 

The last group of women I spoke to are the ones who are actively choosing not to have children. These women are made to feel guilty, both by the breeders and those who are struggling to conceive. They are made to feel as though not procreating is an invalid and selfish choice and as though they are making some grave mistake they will regret later. (Don’t we all suffer small regrets whatever path we travel?) They are often ostracised for still wanting child free events and not wanting to spend every spare moment babysitting the offspring of their friends. They made a valid choice not to have children for a reason ladies, they don’t want to spend their time taking care of kids, not their own and least of all yours! Your friendship needs to be fertile enough to nurture positive empowerment of choices, and not invalidate any of them!

This is a sensitive issue and I do not pretend to be an expert or know the exact way to be the best friend you can be, to a woman who is struggling with her fertility. The best way to know what she needs from you is to directly ask her yourself and hear, trust and action what she tells you. If you want a fairly comprehensive and amusing list of things NOT to say to a woman struggling with her fertility (however well meaning) check out this article on the Perth IVF website entitled: Top Ten Things NOT To Say To An Infertile Woman/Man. Of course as useful advice this is; it still begs the better question – What should you actually say instead then? Well, really, what can you say? Your best bet is to do more listening than speaking and a splash of empathy and a hug go a long way.



❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is Empathy

Recipe for a very close friendship:

Preparation time: Years!

INGREDIENTS:

Vulnerability

Empowerment

Reciprocity

Youthful playfulness

Consistency, commitment, compassion, caring and connection

Love, listening loyalty and laughter

Openness

Support and sensitivity

Encouragement and enthusiasm

Fun and forgiveness

Reciprocal, reliable and respect

Intimacy, integrity and intention

Empathy

Non-judgemental

Dedicated time

Sharing and smiling

Honesty, humour and happiness.

Integrity

Patience, positivity and praise

METHOD:

Tenderly and slowly mix all the ingredients together in a bowl of kindness, adding a little more of each one consistently over lots of time. Consistency in mixing is important. If mixing is inconsistent you can expect the mixture to settle and separate.

NOTE: Many ingredients combine to produce by-products such as trust, understanding, appreciation and adventure.  Do not be alarmed! Keep going!

Bake in a warm heart for as long as it takes. Decorate with love and affection. Celebrate and enjoy the finished product and never compare it to others.

TIP: Competiveness and jealousy will cause an undesired bitter aftertaste.

FOR BEST RESULTS:

Ask the advice of others and keep adding to the recipe. Share with as many people as you wish.

When made slowly and correctly; very close friendships have no expiry date. When rushed and baked with too much intensity however, they have a tendency to overcook. This results in drama and the bad tasting friendship often needs to be discarded as a result. VERY CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS CANNOT BE RUSHED. They develop over time, this is necessary and normal. Keep persevering, keep mixing.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS:

Serve generously and often. Enjoy with company. Goes well with wine, tea, coffee, cake and conversation.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Does gaining or losing weight equal losing friends?

I have lost a lot of weight in the last couple of years, and I am enjoying all of the expected benefits, such as increased fitness and looking better in clothes. I am also experiencing the expected pitfalls such as the expense of continuously shopping for a smaller frame, because we need clothes that fit at every stage, and looking way worse naked! Loose skin is so not attractive! However, one of the most unexpected things I have experienced is the changes my weight loss has had on my relationships and social status.

I have been a very large woman. Much larger than I am now. I have also been a very small woman – much smaller than I am now. It seems in my 30’s especially I am more closely watched on my weight than ever before.

There are the people who spoke to me and were friendly when I was much bigger who no longer engage me now and never dare mention my weight loss. I wonder if this is because they found me “jolly” and nonthreatening before and now see me as somehow threatening, or if I evoke their own insecurities about their own body issues or size.

There are the people that I don’t even know who approach me like I am a celebrity, gushing and looking for magic tips, who don’t seem to like it when I tell them it is maths not magic. Burn more than you eat. Move more eat less. I am happy to help these people but I do wonder just how fat they thought I was to even notice how I look now - post weight loss. I (still) don’t know who they are. Maybe I’m just too self-involved?! Or maybe I really was fatter than I imagine and stood out as the token fat chick. 

There are the people who never approached me before who suddenly want to be my best friend now. I wonder if I seem lighter and more approachable somehow, perhaps I keep my head higher? I also wonder if I have been deemed “acceptable” by their standard and feel quietly conflicted about this new acceptance; On the one hand flattered and pleased and on the other, hurt and resentful. I am still the same person as I always have been.

Or am I? My closest friends tell me I am not. I have higher self-esteem now. I make different choices. I have a voice. I won’t eat cake if I don’t want to and I will go for a walk on my own if you won’t join me. It’s not that my time with my friends is any less important but I need to make sure it fits in with my personal goals for myself, which means sometimes letting other people down. I can't say I am exactly the same person, no, but I can only see changes for the better. Having a little more confidence does not at all make me conceited. I remember where I came from, even if I am proud not to be there anymore. I worked hard, should I not be proud? I'm not there yet, so I'm hardly bragging, but I have come a long way and I see no reason to overlook it for the sake of making someone else comfortable. 

When I was bigger I was much more pliable to what everyone else wanted to do. I would agree to almost anything for fear of letting people down or disappointing them and having them leave me. I never realised this was tied in to my weight so closely. I didn’t feel worthy of friends and I was just grateful to have any, so as a result, I kept pretty quiet about my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs on a fairly regular basis.

In losing weight I have rediscovered myself and that has meant some of my friends have had to get to know me all over again too. Some of them don’t like it, but I prefer the ones who choose to stay and admit they have some selfish reasons for their hesitation. I prefer them to say “I am jealous.” Or “I suppose I had been taking advantage of your easy going nature.” Than the ones who suddenly become competitive, mean or just walk away. 

A fellow friend who has been on the weight loss journey longer than me, and has done way better than me too, has described a situation where one friend asked her to stop mentioning her weight loss. This was a deal breaker because, for those of you who can relate, it becomes a part of your story, your identity; and you want to share this side of your journey.  It is a constant journey that will stay with you – Always. You will need encouraging and support and commiserating when things go belly up – literally. Lol You can't have friends who ask you not to be happy or share your success. So sometimes the choice to walk away is yours not theirs. Not directly anyway.

When it comes to weight loss, there is so much pressure. Half the world needs you to succeed and the other half is waiting for you to fail… yet nobody actually cares that much. Lol  To say it is confusing and emotional and stressful is an understatement. This is a time when you need your friends more than ever, and a time when you realise who the true ones are. The results may surprise and upset you. 

We need our friends who still see us as the person we have always been through it all. Ourselves. I never thought of myself as the token “fat friend” to be your wing woman, or the person you spent time with to feel better about yourself. I thought we were friends and learning that you saw it differently hurts. It also says way more about you than it does about me. I count the people I have lost due to losing weight as a win on the “life scales!”

If you are jealous of a friend who has lost weight – don’t take it out on her; address your own issues with yourself. And know that she is the same caring friend she was before. Her journey is with herself and about herself. She doesn’t need or expect you to lose weight. She is not judging your choices or forcing her choices on you. (If she is, gently tell her that although she may be trying to help, you value different things and you are happy with your weight.) Some people are actually happy being larger. I wish I was one of them! Acceptance of self is the goal, and social acceptance shouldn't be part of it. Sadly, it seems it is. 

I think being bigger has made me a more compassionate, loving and loyal friend, even if I wont let you walk all over me anymore. I value those people to whom my size made no difference. The ones who still talk to me about other things and don’t define me by my size or appearance, and never have.

If you have lost weight and lost friends, or gained weight and lost friends, don’t look in the mirror and see someone else’s reflection. It is them, not you. Your size isn’t relevant to your friendships… or it shouldn’t be….

Good Luck

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making cronies from colleagues!

When discussing friendships among my peers, one of the most frequent issues people wish to address is if they should make friends with colleagues, and if so… how to take it out of the office.

I can tell you from my own experience what I loved most about working was the social aspect. I really felt as though these people were my friends and although I never saw them outside of the office, spending a consistent 40 hours a week with them made us feel pretty close. Because we spent so much time together in the work environment it didn’t feel necessary to spend time with these friends outside of work much. Our limited evening and weekend time was spent on partners, family and friends on whom we did not spend so many hours as we did with each other.  Makes sense, yeah?

Except, then I got pregnant, and I left the workplace to have a baby. My work friends came to the baby shower and many of them visited in the hospital to meet my firstborn. It didn’t take too long though before I noticed the distance. I did consider these people friends and I did think they felt the same, so I took the baby to visit at the office a few times and arranged some group gatherings outside of work too. People came. A great time was had by all. All of them that is. I never noticed when we worked together how much of our conversations were about work and the office politics. As they discussed new people I didn’t know, policies I was unfamiliar with and laughed about funny office happenings that I missed; I realised while I was welcome there, I didn’t belong any more.

When my employment ended, so did many of my friendships there. Looking back I can see that I should have been better prepared for this. I should have spent more time investing in making these people friends on a personal level. And I should have spent time with them individually more instead of always in group settings. It’s not fair to say they didn’t miss me, but I missed them more, because they still had each other.

It would not have been hard to make these people real friends that lasted past my employment. They were great people. One of them did keep in touch and I married him! Lol All I had to do was invite them, individually for a drink after work, or for a Saturday lunch. Talk to them more about life OUTSIDE of the office.

The reasons I didn’t may resonate with you – I didn’t want to burden them by asking for more time. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by seeming like I didn’t have other friends. I didn’t want to try and be cronies if they strictly only wanted to stay colleagues. I didn’t want to seem more invested. I didn’t want work to become weird if the friendship had issues. I wanted someone else to make the first move! But mostly I never thought about how happy these people made me and how much I would miss them.

Really though, who doesn’t like being approached for friendship? Who really thinks “what a loser asking me to be friends?” (And if they do, they are not the kind of people you want to be friends with anyway!) Most people feel happy you like them, and as a trick of psychology they like you back for your good taste! Lol

So if you want to make cronies out of colleagues...... 

Start small. Share some personal information and see if they willingly reciprocate. Remember to ask about the small details, like how the party they hosted on the weekend went. Give them your personal number and say “call me later if you need or want to” assuming the opportunity arises. If they discuss a movie or restaurant, just mention you should check it out together. If they agree, set a time straight away. In groups is fine, as long as you are getting to know all these people individually while you spend time together. Show an interest and cement a connection outside of work. Direct conversations away from the office by saying “we don’t need to waste time worrying about work now, let’s just have fun tonight.” Friend them on social media.

I can’t guarantee any of this will work, but if it is important to you then you have nothing to lose by trying.

A few things to remember if it doesn’t work out are that people often have completely separate office and home personalities, so you might be disappointed, shocked or confused and feel like you actually don’t know or like this person as much as you thought or they may feel that way about you.
Alternatively they may have a full and busy social life and responsibilities already outside of the office and are happy to keep it in business hours. It’s not personal. Honestly. Try someone else. 

The best way to make a colleague a friend is to simply show an interest and ask for some time. See how it goes. You might be glad you did which is better than regretting that you didn’t. Trust me on that one! 

Good Luck

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Just ask! It really is that simple! 

Textiquette

Keep the suggestions rolling in please ladies! This time I have been asked to attempt a post about texting etiquette in friendships.  This is a challenging post for me to write because in current times, texting and communicating via email and instant messaging services is rampant, normal and expected. I fall victim to it just the same as everyone else does, and sometimes find myself impatiently waiting for a response! It is called instant messaging for a reason. If I wanted to wait a week for a reply I could send a letter in the post, right? Haha These services have added such value to our lives and simplified the communication process…..

However, the whole process also makes us a slave to our phones, right? You know it does! Added to this is the introduction of “read receipts” and indications when someone has been online but chosen not to read your message. Thanks for the extra anxiety with information that is actually none of my business Facebook! Lol These features have done nothing to enhance the quality of my communications or my friendships! Actually I think I preferred sending an email and never knowing if it had reached the other person or if they had been online to check their messages, let alone read it! To the sender, even if their enquiry is not of any particular urgency, lack of response to their message can feel like a slap in the face or a direct snub, as though they spoke to you on the street and you ignored them?! Harsh.

On the other side off the fence though, there is the receiver. The receiver may have a multitude of valid reasons for not responding to you – most of which have nothing at all to do with you. They might be in the middle of a family dinner, sharing an intimate moment with their partner, or be doing any other valid thing that people do with their time. If you saw them doing these things with your own eyes, you probably wouldn’t reach out to them in that moment because it is intrusive, but because we can’t see them, we make the mistake of assuming they are available and willing to engage and then take it personally when they don’t.

Consider this: The sender sends a communication at a time that is convenient for themselves and the receiver has the freedom to respond in the same manner. Simple.

I have been the receiver caught at an inopportune moment. There have been times when I have not read messages because I know they are lengthy and I don’t have time to read and respond in the manner consistent with the expectation of my friend. There have been times when I did read the message and thought to myself “I’ll respond to that later” then forgotten to do so, and there was now no little red message flag reminding me! Damn it!! Or there have even been times when I have prompted a conversation at a time I was willing and ready to engage and not received a reply until much later when I was no longer free to continue the conversation that I myself initiated!

The other issue I have experienced is that sometimes an innocent text becomes a conversation that neither person really has the time or the desire to engage in.  As a writer by nature I struggle to keep my messages brief, and I know this can be overwhelming to the recipient. (I’m working on it! Lol)

While texting and messaging have their place, let’s not forget the best way to have a conversation is face to face or over the phone as a close second. My pointers for texting etiquette are:

•          Keep it brief, direct and to the point.                                                                                         
• ·         Don’t expect instant reply and don’t take it personally if you don’t get one – the other person is busy. Trust me. Allow 48 hours minimum before you message them again.                     
•          Never sit by your phone waiting for a reply, put the phone down and engage in your life. Stop over thinking it.                                                                                                                           
•          If you really are worried about them – call them.                                                                     
•          Keep conversations over text to a minimum – 10 messages or less if you can. If it takes more than this call them or arrange to meet up.                                                                               
•          If it is urgent or important,  call them, or at very least mention that in the message and politely request an urgent response; then follow up by other means if it isn’t forthcoming.                                                                                                                      
•          Do not cyber stalk them to see if they read your message or not; or force them to justify their time to you. Nobody owes you an explanation, though you have to accept any you are offered at face value. If you don’t believe them the relationship has bigger problems than texting.                                                                                                                                                 
•          If the person frequently ignores your attempts at communication - they probably don’t want to talk to you. Stop contacting them. You don’t NEED to understand why although I know you WANT to. Accept it and move on.                                                                                               
•          Judge their level of interest in engaging. If you are being met with 2 worded answers, end the conversation, don’t keep pushing for more engagement.                                                   
•          If you must, let them know that you are busy but will reply later…. Be specific, for example “I will respond after I put the kids to bed at 7.30pm” –then remember to do so. If you forget own up and apologise as soon as you realise.                                                                         
•          Make time to see your friends in person. Then you will know for sure that they are willing and available to engage and you are not intruding on other things.                                                 
•          Don’t disrespect people’s time when they are with you by being glued to your phone speaking to everyone else.                                                                                                                   
•          Never message out of boredom, or if you actually have nothing to say.                                  
•          Never respond to 3am booty call texts, and don’t send them either.                                             
•          Trust the good intentions of your friends and hope that they trust yours. Nobody means to be intrusive or hurtful.                                                                                                                    
•          You don’t owe anyone a communication and nobody owes you one either.                  
•          Remember that tone of voice, facial expressions and other non verbal cues are not present and your message may be misunderstood or construed differently that you intended. Be clear. Use punctuation. Avoid all caps as it is texting equivalent of "yelling." Arguments should not happen via written form. What you say will be forever recorded and used against you.                                                                                                        
•           Proof read your message before you press send! Why?... Auto-correct. That's why! Unless you meant to call your friend Poppy "Poopy!" True Story! haha and that's a pretty mild but still amusing example!                                                                                          
•          Spend time on the people and things that make you forget about your phone.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hate is not the opposite of Love… Indifference is.

So recently I was confronted with the situation of bumping into an ex friend. We haven’t spoken for 4 years. Awkward! Readers, I want to tell you I was gracious, said hello and smiled, catching up on the pleasantries…. But that would be a lie. As soon as I saw her (and immediately pretended I didn’t see her) memories of our falling out came to mind.

I felt my face burning as I remembered the awful poisonous words I used to end our friendship. I remembered the anger that can only be evoked by someone you feel so strongly about. I suspect she expected an apology from me. I do owe her one. So why didn’t I deliver it?

I know I was out of line with most of the harsh hateful truths I threw at her back then. I remember referencing all the things which people were mentioning behind her back, and feeling righteous, like she should be grateful I was going to tell her the truth. In hindsight, the reason the other people didn’t tell her is because they knew it wasn’t their place.  I have no idea what made me think it was my place to tell her how to live her life. I lost a friend because she wouldn’t live her life my way? Well by all accounts she seemed happy and that goes to show that she was perfectly capable of living her own life in whatever way made her happy. I told myself that I was doing her a favour by telling her the truth, but in reality I was enabling myself to be cruel just to hurt her. I’m not proud of it.

So why did I do that? Anger, hate, jealousy, hurt, resentment. My response to her was not a considered action it was an emotional reaction. Someone I loved had hurt and disappointed me to the point that I fought fire with fire. Why? Love. I loved this person. I was passionate about the situation in a way only possible when some form of love is present. Love for her versus love for myself. I owe her an apology for speaking out of turn and deliberately hurting her. That wasn’t right and I hope I have learned that water is much more effective for fighting fire in the future.

If I do know I do OWE her an apology, why not take the opportunity to be the bigger person, approach her and deliver it? I must hate her, right? The thing is though, that I don’t hate her. If I hated her, on some level that would mean there was still love between us. Pretty sure I burned that out with my own fire. And the fact that there is no love between us anymore is part of the reason I didn’t apologise.

If she wanted the apology; I know she has the guts to approach me. The fact that she also pretended not to see me told me everything I needed to know. She doesn’t hate me either. She doesn’t love me anymore. There is nothing there. We are indifferent. That is the opposite of love. She didn’t seem angry or hurt, although I imagine she was just as uncomfortable as I was. Lol If it still meant anything to either of us, a confrontation would have ensued. However, neither of us cared enough anymore.

None of the things we fell out about still matter. My apology would make no difference to anyone. Yes, I did speak out of turn, but she knows as well as I do that I meant every word and although it wasn’t my place to say it, I stand by what I said. I have come far enough along the road to see that my perspective was merely my opinion and not a gospel truth, and I wasn’t the great righteous friend I thought I was back then.  She has come far enough along to prove me wrong! Lol

Essentially I didn’t apologise because I am not sorry. I wasn’t a good friend to this person, and I don’t think she was a particularly good friend to me either. If I have ever been frenemies with anyone it was her. Many aspects of our unhealthy friendship make me cringe and I realise that we didn’t ever bring out the best in each other. She is not a terrible person or a bad friend any more than I am. We just weren’t well suited. I don’t love this person anymore, and I can admit that I don’t like her. Maybe I never did. And that’s ok. I am not a terrible person because I didn’t like her. I should not have hurt her- that was downright wrong. However if she needs to paint me as the villain to make herself feel better without taking accountability for her side of it, then that is a role I am willing to play. Equally it is her opinion, not a gospel truth and it doesn’t define me.  Is an apology even genuine if you only offer it because you should?

I AM sorry I hurt her, but I am not sorry we are no longer friends. That is the final and most truthful reason I didn’t apologise. I ended the friendship because I wanted it to be over. Now it is. I don’t need to apologise because I forgive myself and I don’t really care if she forgives me or not. She pretended not to see me too. I should have thanked the woman!

If you are reading this – Thank you! Lol I really am sorry for hurting you. I was wrong, about almost everything, except ending our toxic friendship. (Note I say the friendship was toxic, not you or I, but the relationship we shared together.) I was really happy to see you seemed happy and well. Now I can learn the lesson and let it go. I forgive you. I forgive me. None of it matters. I still recall the things we said and did to each other with clarity, but in the end it is the things we did not say and do that set us free. Have a nice life and I will do the same. This is letting go!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Languages of Friendship; and when you don't speak the same one!

During a recent conversation I had with someone, the topic of friendship styles came to light and I felt there must be a blog post in there somewhere. So here it is. Also, I have been reading the book “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman, and it is fascinating the different languages we speak, in love, and in friendship. The 5 languages are:

• Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
• Acts of Service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
• Receiving Gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
• Quality Time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
• Physical Touch: It can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

I have a friend who has a very tumultuous friendship with one of her other friends. If love and war were represented as a friendship model; theirs would be a pretty close poster child. One of the main problems they seem to face is their style of friendship.

I am one of a handful of women my friend is close to, with a wider circle of male friends also in her orbit. While my friend maintains conversation on a consistent almost daily basis, she has a wide enough circle that catch up’s are not particularly frequent. It’s not just with me that she doesn’t catch up with as often, it is most of her friends, because she is quite the social butterfly, always busy with someone. I really admire the effort she puts into juggling so many friendships and I understand her limitations. Although I have fewer balls in the air than this friend, I do tend to operate in a similar way and have a few close friends I see independently of the others. It’s just our style.

My friend often comes into conflict with her other friend, because this friend tends to have only one close (usually a best) friend at a time. I do know a few other people who also operate this way, so I don’t think it is particularly uncommon.  The problem isn’t so much the style of the friendship as the expectations that go along with it.  As this type of friend doesn’t have a wider network, more of her social time is free and directed towards this one friend, whereas jugglers like my friend and I can only offer so much time to one friendship in order to maintain the balance.

There are, for example, only (on average) 4 Saturday’s per month; If Saturday is your social day and you have 4 independent friends, it stands to reason you would likely see each of them once a month. If however you only had one friend, you may expect to see that one friend every week? See what I mean? While my friend is off with her other friends, she feels she is inadvertently hurting this one friend who seems to need more than my friend can give her in terms of time and attention.

It would be easy to paint one of them as needy, jealous and possessive and the other as mean, cold spirited and distant, however they are just not speaking the same language in terms of friendships. It would be wrong for us to take sides, because naturally we all conduct our friendships in the way that feels most comfortable to our soul.  Still, it stands that this is an issue; they are not communicating in the same language! My friend’s language seems to be words of affirmation and acts of service, where as her friends language is quality time….So what should they do about it?

As in all relationships compromise is the only way out of this one. While my friends friend cannot expect her to give up all her other friendships and give her the time and attention she needs, my friend needs to be aware that this friend does have higher needs and make an effort to give her a little extra time and attention and make her feel validated and special.  Her friend needs to accept this, and in turn find other ways and things to fill her time and not make my friend feel guilty when she spends time with other people.

I guess it is all about perspective and not seeing things through an all or nothing lens. Neither one can give the attention or the freedom the other needs, so instead of looking at it as though “she never makes time for me but has time for everyone else” her friend could choose to look at it as though “I am so grateful for the time she does make for me, because I know she is busy and I am lucky to be one of the people in her life.” My friend could choose the perspective “It is wonderful she enjoys and values my friendship so much” instead of “I am allowed to have other friends, why doesn’t she understand this?”

It is really challenging when you don’t seem to speak the same friendship language as your friends. I have recently encountered drama myself with a friend, with whom I was not speaking the same language.  Similar to the situation above; Her primary love language seems to be acts of service, whereas mine is quality time. I felt that I was giving way more than I was getting in terms of rewards in the right language. So I have stopped “giving” to this particular friend the service which I felt was taking it too far. In my general experience I am happy to meet the needs of a friend, whatever language they speak, so long as they are equally meeting my need for my language of quality time. It is just important to maintain an equal balance.

It is important to recognise and meet the needs of our friends, but it is also important to recognise our own needs and if they are being met. If they are not then we need to reset the balance. We can’t ever make someone else give more or meet our need, but we can give less of ourselves to right the imbalance.

While it is possible to maintain healthy balance with people who have different styles and speak different languages, it is more challenging. If you are a person whose style is one friend at a time and whose love language is quality time, your best bet is to find someone the same. That will provide the highest rewards for you.

It’s certainly interesting isn’t it? The way we list the 5 languages in terms of priority is unlikely to be the same for our friends. Even if we don’t speak the same language we can probably identify the ones they are likely to value most and offer more of that. Try it as an experiment and see how you go. Let me know the results!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendships in the media…. Are they accurate depictions? If they are... Should they be?

The pressure on women to fit a certain stereotype in this society is heavy. Starting from childhood when we are dressed in pink and presented with dolls, our role is thrust upon us in no uncertain terms.  Our heads are quickly filled with fairy tales; casting us into the role of princess, waiting only for true love’s kiss to really start our life. A life, which, once the goal is attained; quickly fizzles to “and they lived happily ever after.” I suppose it is natural to end the story there, because not much happiness can be sold to a young girl when she realises happily ever after means basically serving her prince (assuming she is heterosexually inclined) and her children…(assuming she wants them and can easily and naturally concieve and birth offspring) ... ever after. Yay! Lol

I read a really interesting article by Gina M Florio, published in Bustle.com on the 14th September entitled "6 problematic lessons fairy tales taught us about female friendships" which you can access here.  In the article Gina addresses the fact that fairy tale characters do not seem to have any real female friends! The ones she does have are usually male and generally she abandons said friends after she meets the guy of her dreams, with no thoughts as to what happens to them afterwards. Not only this, but also all other female characters in said stories are usually depicted as jealous rivals and enemies over allies! The implication being that all women are jealous and conniving, including but not limited to mother figures and sisters; motivated by vanity, insecurity and the love of men but not ever of other women. 

As someone who enjoys fairy tales, I was shocked to find that I had never actually noticed nor questioned this. Ok, yes, fairy tales are also moving with the times; in Frozen it is the true love of a sister which rings true and in Moana, more recently, the story focused on empowering your partner (of either gender) and not rescuing them. These are important concepts moving away from the damsel in distress being rescued by her prince for sure…. But it still stands to question, why is the damsel in distress in the first place? Where are her friends?

Moving away from children’s media, we are fed examples of friendships in shows like the 90’s ‘Sex and the City” and the millennium’s “Winners and Losers.” I am the first to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed these shows. If you are unfamiliar with the shows; they each feature a group of 4 to 5 female friends supporting, empowering, and protecting each other through life, while also working, brunching, partying and navigating sexuality and romantic relationships. Although at any point during these shows one or more character was dating someone, essentially the characters were young and unsettled, on the quest for settling down.  These women were empowered, forward thinking and modern, yet in a disappointingly predictable format; when the shows came to a close it was because all the characters settled and lived “happily ever after” just like the fairy tales depicted. Conveniently; those who didn’t,  moved away! Lol

The sad reason the shows conclude this way is because as a society we value romantic love and the white picket fence above all else. We all chase the dream of happily ever after, without questioning what that actually entails? It would be hard to continue the shows as the characters settle, have children, move away and have far less time for their friends because the concept of the show was the friendship and its importance. Is the sad moral of the story that friendship only seems important until you find something better?

I have certainly noticed a pattern in my real life that friendships are less valued by my married or partnered friends than they are by the single ones. I have noticed that as a society in general this shift in priorities; away from friends and onto family life - is considered normal, acceptable and even desired. However; fast forward to people of my parent’s generation or older and you will find them yearning for the connections they once held close, as retirement sets in, and they once again have more free time for their friends... If they still have any. Those that did not make time for the friends they once had when they were "busy" for all those working and child rearing years,  may now be finding the proverbial shoe is sitting on the other foot rather uncomfortably.

That said, it’s not just the older generations that suffer. Speaking to a range of people from my peers and onwards, almost all of them identify the happiest times of their lives as times when they were studying, either in school, college or university, or other technical studies. Why is this? Is this a yearning for our youth and carefree times? Possibly yes, but what was so good about these times in particular? I believe the answer is friendships. These are the times we are most socially active, feel liked, included, supported, connected and loved by the very people we begin to neglect in search of “something better.”

I do agree that the world seems better if you have someone to share it with, and I am not suggesting that the dream of the white picket fence is wrong. It isn’t. What does seem wrong with this picture is that it no longer includes the very people who supported us to get there. Maybe it will be the same friends, maybe it will be new ones you have acquired over the years along the way, or an eclectic mix of both, but if you want a happy in your ever after, you’ll need your friends to be part of the equation. There are many shows that do depict couples having successful social and married lives (although less of them have young children featured) and this essentially proves my point too; there isn’t much of a story to be told without friends in our lives to share them with.

So what is the answer when you start to find yourself settling down and suddenly unable to attend carefree brunches and late night parties like the characters on the shows? The answer is to make time the same way you make time for schooling and education meetings, working, employer deadlines and family events. As a woman in the busy child rearing years herself, I often hear other women in similar situations say that they do miss their friends and feel guilty by their lack of time and energy for friendships during this busy period of their lives. So, we often acknowledge the gap, however, do nothing to actually bridge it. This lack of response to a clear social need only adds to our own sense of isolation and personal dissonance. If you don’t put conscious energy into your friendships the way you do with the other things in your life, you will regret it later on. Friends are usually the people who are still there if and when a marriage dissolves, the children grow and move out, we retire, and as our parents and older family members pass on, but we can’t expect them to be there if we weren’t there for them too. Being there doesn't just mean in bad times, it means being active and present in the friendship - always. Simply put;  prioritising making time for friendships just like all the other things you actively make time for. The bad news is that instead of doing this we usually make excuses and friends fall from our priority list... and our lives. Make time or make excuses! The choice is yours and so are the consequences.

The good news is that it is never too late to start intentionally prioritising your friends. Recognise that friendships are not stop gaps for relationships, they are valid and necessary relationships of their own accord and they deserve and require the same time and attention as the other people and things in your life. Intentionally make your friendships a priority and you’ll find your happiness increasing. Humans are social creatures, the dream of happily ever after doesn't give enough credit to the fact that if you had friends, you were probably pretty happy already! Most of us were… in hindsight. So perhaps we should learn from that and invest in ourselves and each other for the long haul?

 “A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams or your dignity” – Mandy Hale.

We really can have it all, if we consciously want it. Actions indicate priorities, so where do yours lie? Are they accurately represented by where you are spending your time and energy? If not, what could you do to close the gap? Do it. 

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy GALentines Day (for tomorrow ladies)

Ok, so I am going to admit that I had never heard of this phenomenon until my recent research into all things female friendship.  If you also didn't know, it turns out this concept was the idea of Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation. It is basically a day to celebrate your gal pals. It happens the day before Valentine’s day (on the 13th… I guess she wasn’t superstitious! Lol) and is meant to be much more fun and inclusive than it's romantic counterpart.

Let’s be honest… I love Valentine’s as much as the next romantic soul, but what it boils down to really is a gimmick. Partners are pressured to make romantic gestures and in return sexual favours are also expected! With the added bitter taste it leaves for those of us who are not loved up romantically or in less conventional situations. Which is why Galentines day as an overall concept is much better!

For starters, all the ladies are included, so no lonely hearts here. Secondly there is absolutely zero pressure to do this for any sexual reward, which, in my opinion makes it more genuine. Last but not least; it is a good reminder for us all to set aside some quality fun time for the ladies in our lives and share the love!

The concept involves getting together with your closest female friends, and sharing the love. Telling your friends what you love and value about them, and hearing it in return. Sharing activities, food and drinks you enjoy and having a laugh and probably a dance. It could be at a day spa or in your living room, or maybe if you just can't get together on a Monday (2017) just sending each of your friends a loving card or message letting them know you appreciate and value the friendship?

The pro’s include getting gifts you might actually like instead of roses (which are nice, but also a little contrived!) having conversations you actually find interesting, funny and enjoyable and remembering to spend more time with your friends. In all honesty you probably already make more time for your partner than you do for your friends anyway. The con’s include….nope can’t think of any!

Relationships come and go. Sometimes you are in one and sometimes you aren’t, but most of us usually have a female supporter or 2 through it all. Maybe it is your best childhood friend, or maybe it is your sister or your mother or the girls at work. Whoever your supports are, reach out to them and make their day special in some way. And I don’t mean sending a generic email to 20 people that gets forwarded for good luck. I mean genuinely making an effort in a personal way to make a friend smile.

Maybe you could pass on a book you read that you know she would love, invite her out for a drink, lunch or a massage, pop a heartfelt card in her mailbox, buy her that best friends necklace, or send her some pictures of you both having a good time and tell her it is time to update the collection.  Or if you must be contrived and traditional, or one of you just loves roses… yellow is known as the friendship rose! :) ( mean, ok, who doesn't love getting roses?!) 

However you spend it ladies, I wish you all a very happy Galentines day, and hope you do share the love.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Financial Friendship Frustrations.

My last post was the financial friendship equation. Sharing my thoughts on the topic of finances and friendships, I thought I’d share how money has influenced my own friendships.

Some of my friends call me cheap. (Not in the way that relates to intimate partners… I wish! Lol) It is fair to say I value having savings in the bank so I can book an impromptu cruise here and there, and or pay for random expenses like a plumber for instance. I plan a budget spreadsheet up to a year in advance -to the dollar, with in-comings and outgoings. (Leaving room for changes and keeping an eye on future goals and how they are impacted by choices I make today.)  I pour way more money into the mortgage than required, and also have an investment property as a retirement plan in lieu of super; because I am not in paid employment and need to plan for our future if I want to stay that way. (I do! Lol)  All of this means that as a general rule if I see you I will not be willing/wanting to spend much more than $20. (Sometimes I will break this rule, when and where I choose.) I will usually order the lunch special and drink water. I will use free or discount vouchers as often as I can. I will plan events around these if I can! I will pre-purchase discounted member movie tickets at half the price and bring my own snacks and drinks. I will use deal sites and other online deals. I save up credit card points and supermarket loyalty points to buy people gifts with at Christmas. I write a detailed shopping list with the amounts things cost and stick to a fortnightly food budget.

It is fair to say, that if I value savings and you value material possessions you will probably be comfortable spending more than I am as a general rule. It doesn’t make me right and you wrong, it just makes us different. This is an important distinction if we are going to be financially compatible as friends. I understand we all make private judgements about how other people spend or don’t spend their money.… but it is not our place to verbalise these judgements or to tell someone what they can or cannot afford. I hate being told what I can afford, and my friends often hate being told what they can’t. We are all adults making our own choices… and suffering our own consequences. OUR OWN being the key phrase. We need to own our own unique choices, consequences, priorities and responsibilities.  Accountability ladies!

I won’t lend a friend money and our friendship will be healthier if they don’t put me in that position of asking and then resent me for it when I refuse. I will almost NEVER offer to lend them money either!

I do sound selfish and ungenerous don’t I? The thing is, I’m really not. While I won’t pay for someone every time, I have no problem paying for them of my own accord. My point is that friends shouldn’t expect me to. I won’t invite someone to events they can’t afford and expect them to pay; I will keep our catch up’s as cheap as possible, free if need be. For us both, regardless of your status! If I have a two for one, I will offer to let a friend have the free meal, or at least go halves in the paid one. I will let someone use movie tickets if I have them or I will invite friends out for spa days, cruises or other activities for 2 that I have purchased in return for only the company of a good friend and a shared experience. While I will generally not offer to lend you money… I may offer to give you money…. Which is an entirely different concept and if you are too proud to accept I will not force the issue.

I actually do have a pretty relaxed attitude about money with most of my friends and I try not to calculate the currency we have spent, together, individually, or on one another! I don’t offer to pay for anything I can’t afford. If you offer I expect you can afford it too and do not expect this means one of us necessarily “owes the other next time” as such.

However; this relaxed attitude has also caused me problems in the past too when it was with the wrong friend and I didn’t consider her needs and values. This is important! This  one friend in particular felt my paying for things was a power play and that she “owed” me in some way because I often paid for things. This was a reflection of her values as she felt her sense of independence was diminished by my generosity. She was unfamiliar or uncomfortable with the concept of giving to give instead of to receive and didn’t want to feel like she was sponging off me or using me. (I never felt she was.) I remember asking her to certain events and her saying she would love to go however didn’t have the cash. When I said it was ok because I would pay, (preferring not to attend solo) I think she then felt both obligated to attend, and resentful towards me. In essence it left a transnational aftertaste as though I bought her friendship and neither of us enjoyed that dynamic. I never intended to upset her and genuinely didn’t even consider the idea that she was actually using finances as a way to avoid my company. Awkward! Lol The funny thing is that I remember plenty of times where she paid too, and I never really noticed nor cared if there was an imbalance. I probably wasn’t grateful enough for her liking when she did pay in hindsight, considering it no big deal, when actually for her, it was significant. I tend to think that if you are friends for long enough it will all even out in the end anyway. Somehow I don’t think she saw it that way and I never should have assumed she did.

With that in mind, I have had to learn which of my friends will take more than I am happy or willing to give, (money, time, babysitting… and learn to practise saying no to them.) I have learned which of my friends feels it is fiercely important that she pays for herself to the cent, (no more and no less) and which of them feels similarly to me in that they will offer to pay when they want to and I will offer to pay when I want to and the rest of the time we will pay for ourselves or just split the bill 50 50. Even if I did order a cocktail but didn’t have any garlic bread! Lol I know who enjoys lots of small thoughtful gifts, who enjoys being spoiled, who prefers one more quality gift, and who prefers to keep the gifts under $30 (and just one please) and those who don’t like gifts at all either preferring an experience or just a nice card. These are important things to know, both for your boundaries and hers. We should discuss money. I don’t think it is a taboo that should be avoided in friendships. I do think we should learn how our friends operate so we can make sure we keep things comfortable.

About half of the fractured friendships stories people have shared with me have involved money. I have lost friends from not giving what they felt entitled to and from over giving. I have misread situations and indeed been let down by friends who didn’t make paying me back a priority, or who deceived me into paying when it later became clear they never had any intention of paying for themselves.  I have been used by people who exploited my generous nature, and I have been accused of using money to be controlling and hold power over someone….I have been judged both for what I spend and on whom and equally what I didn’t spend….

The truth is we will never agree with someone 100% on financial matters, and that’s ok. Learn to read your audience and act accordingly; with caution and honest communication and respect. If in doubt just pay your own way and stay within your budget. It’s financial not personal, so keep it that way. I value my friendships and I value my finances and I value keeping them separate! I’d appreciate it if you don’t judge our friendship on the amount of money I spend on you or with you and rather on the amount of time I spend on you or with you.  Time is the currency of friendship, not money.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx