The Financial Friendship Equation

When crunching the proverbial numbers, to assess the cost and the value of our friendships, why does the equation: finances + friendships = fail?!

For starters, we were all raised with different morals and values around money. Added to that we all earn different amounts, have different living costs and our spending will reflect our own values, which vary from person to person.  

So what are the Financial Friendship Faux Pas?

Never ask to borrow money. If your friend wants to offer she will….

That said…. My advice is never loan your friends money either. If you must, then gift it to them. Even if you don’t actually tell them it is a gift. If you can’t afford to gift it to them, you can’t afford to lend it to them.  Many friendships have been broken by a friend who borrowed money and then did not pay it back – either at all or in a timely manner.

If you do borrow money from someone and don’t pay it back, all the while posting on Facebook about your lavish lifestyle, you will find yourself getting the cold shoulder pretty quickly. It is disrespectful. You cannot assume your friend doesn’t need the money for herself…The lender should not be expected to justify why she needs her money back in a hurry either! If you must borrow money, pay it back ASAP, regular payments (don’t make it the pink elephant in the room) and do not ask her again. Making it a pattern is poor form, she isn’t a bank! She may start to feel this is the only reason you stay friends with her, and could even abuse the power. True story.

Similarly, don’t be over generous either; it doesn’t seem genuine and nobody wants to feel bought nor pressured. If you invite someone and they say they can’t afford it, they may actually be politely trying to decline the event and your company! Plus you don’t want to seem like a show off or someone who needs to buy friends. 

Don’t assume to know what your friend can afford. Yes, maybe she has an investment property but that also means she has 2 mortgages, so you do the maths?! Focus on what you can afford not what she can or can’t. Don’t make judgements about where your friends should or shouldn’t spend their money. Don’t make snide comments or passive aggressive jokes about their finances. If you don’t want people telling you what you shouldn’t spend for example, you shouldn’t be passing judgement on what you perceive they should or shouldn’t spend either.

Don’t assume because she has something (money, time, services or belongings) that you need; that she should or will give it to you, even if she isn’t using it herself… what makes you entitled to it?

Your wedding? You pay. Travel, dresses, meals, hen’s. If you want her to pay then you respect her budget and keep your expectations low.

If, for example, your friend buys you both tickets to an event in the future – settle the terms there and then. Either with “Can I pay you cash on the night or would you rather I direct debit to you straight away (or on Thursday when I get paid?) If so what are your bank details? Alternatively you might say thanks so much, shall I get dinner and drinks on the night then, or would you rather I just pay for my ticket? Whatever you agree to, follow through, no excuses or justifications. Even if one costs more than the other, you agreed.  If you can’t make it to said event for some reason, pay your share, even though you didn’t go. It is your problem if you cancelled, not your friends. This is true even if she was originally planning to pay for your ticket as a gift. If you cancel it is your responsibility. Tickets, hotels, transport, whatever was pre-booked and arranged. Pay your share. Even if your friend found someone else to go with her in your place, they shouldn’t be expected to pay for taking your place unless you arranged it explicitly with them yourself.

Bring your purse. Nobody likes the surprise “oops I forgot my purse, can you get this one?” No. Go home and get your purse!! Especially if you tend to make this a sneaky habit. (Personally I tend to bring cash and only the approximate amount I expect to require for myself, because it helps me keep within my spending allowance, so often I don’t have enough cash to “cover” someone anyway. This is especially infuriating if it happens after the meal for example when the food has been eaten and someone has to pay! If you forgot your money, you best say so before you consume anything! I realise this may be a genuine mistake and a once off. If your friend covers you pay her back that same day if you can - you were planning to spend it and you did. It's not a buy now pay later, 20 months interest free situation!

Do have conversations about money and learn who values what. If you have a friend who values paying for every item she ordered to the cent then do it her way even if you would prefer to split the bill in half. If she feels uncomfortable spending more than $20 on gifts, respect that and don’t expect more than that in return or offer more than she specified, even if you generally do things differently with your other friends.

The person who wants or needs to spend less should always dictate the boundaries. She can’t (or wont) meet you in the middle by offering more, so you will have to meet her by offering and expecting less.

NEVER ask your colleagues for money. Just don’t do it. Especially if you are not friends with them outside the office/workplace. Honestly, why should they help you? Boundaries!

If you do ask someone and they say no, respect that. Don’t whine, guilt them or have an adult tantrum.

Don’t assume if they say no, or don’t offer, that they are not real friends and not helpful or don’t care. Your friends help you in ways they feel comfortable with. That may just be listening to you, or helping you with planning a better budget for yourself or buying you a coffee here and there. Just because a friend isn’t helping you the way you hoped and expected doesn’t mean she isn’t helping you the best way she can.

Don’t spend your money on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or other frivolous items and then ask for money to pay the rent or feed the baby or fix the car. Priorities, if you can’t make your responsibilities a priority why should anyone else? 

If you value your friendships, then don’t place any monetary pressure, expectations or value on them. If friendship is an equation, don’t invest more of anything than you can afford and don’t take (or expect) more than they are willing to give. If they want to give you anything, they will. No requests will change that. 

The correct equation for friendship should be calculating quality time spent together not quantity of currency.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Workplace friendships; Friend or Foe?

Thank you universe for the recent inspiration! As I recently caught up with someone after quite some time apart, she casually mentioned a new topic for me to cover… workplace friendships. Do they help us or hinder us and our employers? We spend more time with them than anyone else… but are they REAL friends?

I listened as she described her blossoming friendship with another woman in her workplace. Although neither woman expected to become close friends, circumstances dictated that they had to work closely together and time together has this uncanny way of bringing people closer. This was no exception.

Her face lit up as she described this work friend. She admitted that despite her initial hesitance, it was a relief to have someone to trust, to collaborate with, and, at times, to use her friend as somewhat of a buffer between herself and other colleagues with whom she did not feel she had the same positive rapport. This was a place both women had to be every day and she admits that having a friendly face to chat to, and turn to for support was pretty invaluable. It seemed only natural that their friendship would spill over into their personal lives too. I don’t know if she noticed this, or placed any significance on the terminology she used, but she described this other woman, more than once, as her “best work friend.”

I wonder if there is any significance to the addition of the term “work” into the best friend concept? Are they real friends, or only friends with our work persona? Is it true that we compartmentalise our friendships into categories, and if so why? Best work friend, best female or male friend, best friend from high school, best mummy friend, best family friend, best childhood friend…. The list goes on. Are we our full selves with any of these friends, or only so far as sharing what is relevant to the role we play, or shared experiences past or present? How well do we really know these people outside of these roles and experiences, and how well do they really know us? How well should we know each other?

The last time I knew this person in any real way, she was indeed in need of a best female friend, preferring as a whole to gravitate towards male friendships. (Another post on this concept of women who prefer male friendships or avoid female friendship to follow.) I was genuinely delighted to hear she had formed such a strong and important friendship at work, being that much of her time, energy and self is invested there. She described all the positives of having someone at work, which extended to increased morale and productivity, if occasionally also bonding over joint disgruntlement over the management and politics of the workplace. The industry they are in doesn’t leave much room for friendships to lead to decreased productivity as each person has their separate role and work space to the others; so in this instance it was clear this friendship was nothing short of a sanity saver for her… and also for her friend.

It is all sounding positive so far, right? Unfortunately, things change.  Sometimes friends fall out and this can cause all sorts of discomfort, stress, distraction and the addition of other peoples unwelcome interjections, however well intended. Fortunately for her, this hadn’t happened. What has transpired is that her friend has decided to stop talking about the negatives of the workplace and instead leave it, and in effect; their friendship.

In the same manner as she had lit up when she had discussed this friend, her face fell when she disclosed this change. It was clear to me that this was impacting her on more than one level. Suddenly the prospect of facing the workplace alone seemed almost impossible. Her passion for the role had decreased and she had started to question her own choices – both her choice to remain in the workplace and past choices that she made which led her here. To add further complications to the situation, the place she used to work before this one, had now offered her friend a job.

She feels torn by this. She describes feeling happy in that previous workplace place in the past, however also takes a moment to note that she had her reasons for moving forwards too. There were conflicting feelings of regret at not making the same choice as her friend, but also acknowledging that her future must move forwards and not backwards. Now she is left to watch her friend be potentially happy there, and to question if her own reasons for leaving that very same work place were valid. She faces potential concerns that her friend will hear things about her from previous colleagues which may not be an accurate representation of her character. Would this alter her friend’s perception of her? Will there now be an added competitiveness to the friendship that did not exist before? Is that healthy? She has to wonder if the friendship will still hold its closeness now that they are no longer “circumstantially” spending as much time together, and, if her friend will still make the effort to maintain the connection they have built. Will she fall second place to her friend’s new colleagues? The friendship is in no way over, however, it starts to feel less solid and dependable than it was. There is a heaviness to it that did not exist before. Only time would tell if it was strong enough to carry the load. Both women are obviously hopeful and positive about the future, however we cannot escape the “convenience factor” I have discussed here before, and it’s power.

Added to this, her friend will need to be replaced with someone else at her current workplace; someone she will have to work closely with.  This unknown factor is also anxiety producing. Will they get along? If they don’t, how will she face the next year in the workplace feeling isolated and unheard and misunderstood? This uncertainty is already making her consider her options.

This is a great example of how pivotal friendships between women are. Even when we do nothing to influence the choices of our friends, our own choices still impact them deeply. Our friends have the power to change our lives, leave us questioning our own path, (for better or worse) increase or decrease our happiness and enthusiasm for work and life, and generally make life overall much easier. Just by existing. It’s amazing when you think about how important friendship is; yet at the same time how undervalued it is. This is particularly true in the workplace where friendships are often discouraged due to the negative implications or complications that can arise. The positives are widely overlooked.

In regards to this story, the question becomes this – was this person happier before this friendship formed? Before a sense of belonging mattered, or a sense of dependency existed and when a lack of this friendship was not missed? After all we cannot miss what we do not know….I think not. The positives of this friendship seem to have far outweighed the negative. Connectedness is the key to happiness, and is not something to ever shy away from. As a matter of fact it is something to strive for in all areas of our lives. This is ESPECIALLY true in the workplace as we spend more social hours there than any other single place. Our achievements in the field are closely linked with our sense of worth and confidence thus our productivity is greater and contentedness increased if we enjoy the people we work with. There is much to be said about enjoying your job. In my experience there is a direct correlation between enjoying the people and enjoying the job. You need work friends to be truly happy. Even if the friendships don’t extend beyond your time together in the employment, the friendships were still very real and valuable while they did exist.

In this instance, the lady concerned is considering having a child, so this change may be the very catalyst to the best thing that could ever happen to her. (Being a mother is her dream.) It is giving her the motivation she needs to make positive changes in her life and go after her own happiness in other areas outside of work.  Until then I am quietly confident that she will get along just fine with the new person and if not, she will reconsider her feelings towards other colleagues as circumstances bring them together. She did already mention her new “work wife” and a morning tea they enjoyed (endured?!) together to improve their relationship. Over cooked scone anyone? Lol

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Old friends Versus New Friends; “One is silver, one is gold.”

Yay! My first reader question: – Are people who have maintained the same friendships from primary school, or possibly high school, happier than those who have not?

Countless studies and articles exist to point out the importance of a person’s childhood friends. You never have to explain yourself or your situation to these friends. After all, they were right along with you for the ride. They know your family, they share most of your childhood experiences and memories and they have grown and changed with you, making them incomparable to any other friends. Nobody can deny your history or take that away from you. These friends can remind you who you really are when you have lost yourself….

Except… people do change…. childhood friends can also hold us back. They can become uncomfortable with changes we make, if those changes don’t fit with the idea of us they thought they knew.  In order to keep pushing the boundaries, to keep experiencing, experimenting and growing as people, we need new people in our lives. New people challenge us, introduce us to ideas, concepts, experiences and feelings we may never have known without them. New friends don’t hold us to an idea of who they think we are or who we should be, so there is more room for change and growth. New friends don’t have as many expectations of us… yet… because they are still learning who we are. It is with them that we continue to learn who we are for ourselves too.

Childhood friends are meant to be our “warts and all” friends. They will always be there for us…. so perhaps we don’t feel we have to try as hard with them. We tend to consider them low maintenance… That very thing can be a double edged sword though, can’t it? The amount of time we gave to these friends once upon a time was enough to create lifelong bonds, this is undeniable. After all, as children all we had, was time for our friends. As we grow older and take on more responsibilities and other relationships, we find the amount of time we have for friends diminishing year by year! This can mean we are either closed off to new friends, leaving us with only stuffy childhood friendships, which can allow us to stay feeling bored and unmotivated…. Or alternatively we may begin to neglect these older childhood friendships in preference of newer more exciting ones. When this happens, we need to invest much more time in the newer friendships to develop the bonds required for genuine connection… and we may be guilty of simply using our childhood friends as space fillers when our new friends are unavailable?

It is said that we only have the brain capacity to maintain a handful of close friends at any one time. It stands to reason then, that as we make a new friend later in life, one or two of our primary childhood friends can expect to get downgraded. Regardless of intention, it happens. From my own experience I can see the way I have downgraded older friends for newer ones… made a few trade – in’s… because the newer friends fit me better at the time I suppose. I can also see that I really hurt at least one childhood friend in doing this. It wasn’t my intention of course, but people change. I changed away from most of my old friends. Maybe because I didn’t know myself when they knew me, and they preferred it that way. Maybe because they didn’t know themselves either. Maybe because I didn’t really know or like the people they grew and changed into or vice versa…

Without question there is power in choosing one’s own friends! In our younger years, circumstance, convenience and parents made many of these choices for us…. When I fell out with my oldest friend a few years ago, I found that this friendship was actually not one I had chosen for myself. I hadn’t given it much conscious consideration before then… My mother had befriended this girl’s mother when we were 2 years old and thus we were expected to be friends based only on proximity, gender and age forever more?! Long story short, (long story to follow) this friend was chosen for me, I was not given any choice in the matter. I was her friend throughout childhood because my mother said so.

Which brings me to my next point about childhood friendships… even if we do get a choice in the matter…. perhaps we develop these friendships before we know who we are or what we want and to an extent maybe we get stuck together even as we grow apart. Often we don’t even question if we still like our childhood friends… or if we ever did. In my case this friend was made for me and I was not asked if I liked her. It seemed irrelevant to everyone…. Even me!

Old friends are great… assuming you like each other, and both still want to continue making the effort and the choice to stay friends, regardless of if the original choice was yours or not. You shouldn’t feel trapped, burdened or obligated. By old friends… or by new ones!

So what is the verdict? Old friends or new? It doesn’t actually matter! The important thing is not the quantity of friends, or the amount of years they have been in your life, it is the quality of the friends you have.  The important thing is that you have friends that meet your social emotional needs and that you feel happy and supported; that you allow room to challenge each other and grow and change as people. Stay conscious of your feelings. Do you still like your friends? If you find you are no longer enjoying your old friends, make new ones!
The old saying goes “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and one is gold.” It is a lovely sentiment, but even old friends were new once. Keep an open heart and an open mind and let people show you for themselves who is silver and who is gold.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Maybe old friends can be new friends again in the future! 

Hearing someone is akin to Healing someone

As part of my new year’s resolutions I wanted to make my writing more open and vulnerable, so hear is another attempt! I saw the quote "Hearing someone is healing them" as a meme on facebook somewhere (which I cannot find now! Typical!) but it resonated with me regarding a recent experience of mine, and feeling unheard.....

While I was recently describing to my husband the loneliness I had been feeling lately; he got defensive and immediately started listing off all the wonderful people I do have in my life. (Himself being top of the list!) Of course, he was right, but that did not appease my feelings of loneliness. Actually it only heightened my sense of feeling misunderstood, unheard and alone. Why? Because he was invalidating my emotions and trying to explain them away. He couldn’t accept that I was feeling that way. He couldn’t understand my feelings.

I tried to explain my feelings, and the fact that I wasn’t feeling heard, by him, or by anyone else at the moment. I expressed my confusion and frustration that my feelings were being minimised and I was basically being forced to recognise all the reasons I was wrong to feel that way. I told him 3 times that all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me it was ok to feel sad, that they understood.

He suggested I make another appointment with my psychologist! Men!  He just didn’t hear me. He needed to fix the problem. He doesn’t like it when I feel hurt and sad and alone. He finds it offensive even; because he is a very loving and attentive husband! He is communicative, and always wants to support me and lift me up. Unfortunately for him, he can’t always do that and just being with me while I am hurting isn’t his strong point.

That’s ok. I have often found women to be my soft place to fall when I am sad anyway. I turn to my friends when I need to express my sadness because they seem to be better at understanding and empathising. I don’t expect my husband to meet every single emotional need I have, nor should I. One person cannot be all things. I should remember this in my friendships too... 

So, I tried talking to friend A. Friend A is the friend who I can go to if I am having a bad hair day, or feeling insecure about myself in some way. We have known each other for close to 10 years and although I know listening isn’t her strong point, she is familiar enough with me to understand me and the way I respond to things. She was so great at empowering me (as she always is) and telling me all the ways in which I have improved this year, and all the wonderful things I have to look forward to. I appreciate her positive attitude so much, but I wasn’t ready to be positive yet. My loneliness increased. She wasn't the friend to "hear" me on this topic. 

So I tried talking to friend B. Friend B is the friend I turn to for some down time, to relax and unwind and enjoy some child free time together. Friend B is a relatively new friend, but she is a sensitive soul. She has often expressed her own need to feel comforted and understood, so I felt she might be able to give me the comforting that I needed.  Unfortunately, she didn’t make much room for me and my feelings in the conversation. She quickly reverted back to chatting about how unsympathetic her own partner is and went on to discuss all their current drama. This friend also wanted to point out what a great life and relationship I have and that she was envious. All though I know she genuinely means that as a compliment.... She basically said I have no place to complain. I felt even more disconnected than I did before we spoke. She was not the friend to "hear" my loneliness.

Friend C is lots of fun. I turn to her for a good laugh as she is always up for an adventure. I wanted to raise the issue with friend C. I feel that if I could open up and be more vulnerable with this friend she might be able to comfort me the way I need. Unfortunately this friend and I have only just reconciled. Although I had hoped she might recognise that I had reached out to her because I was feeling lonely - and she may therefore raise the issue; she didn’t. This friend isn’t the type to ask intrusive questions. She did ask me how I was and I regret not telling her the truth. I said I was doing well, because I am, but I had hoped she would show more interest so I could trust she wanted the whole truth and not just the pleasantries. She accepted the pleasantries and moved the conversation along. This is not her fault exclusively, it is a communication issue I must also address. Anyway, the timing wasn’t right for friend C to be my soft place to fall, especially when she didn't know I needed one. She was not the friend to "hear" me this time. 

I tried to talk to friend D about the issues at hand. Friend D is a wise logical friend. If you need practical assistance, she is your girl. Friend D listened and was attentive, however seemed unable to comprehend what I was trying to say. Friend D implied that I was over thinking things (I admit I am guilty of this) and that she didn’t know how I had the time to focus on such trivial matters. She didn’t say they were trivial but I felt that was the implication. Friend D is a very very busy woman, so I can see her perspective on this, however, I still felt invalidated and small for feeling the way I do. I laughed it off, but it didn’t feel particularly funny. Friend D, was not the person for the job of "hearing" me. 

Friend E is my one size fits all, jack of all trades friend. Friend E keeps me accountable for myself. Friend E is no nonsense.. yet somehow, also; full of nonsense! I always enjoy her contradictions.... Anyway, I was reluctant to mention this sense of loneliness to friend E. Friend E is someone I talk to nearly every day. I speak to her about everything – nothing is off limits with us and I adore that. We share so much of ourselves, our lives and our hearts with one another that I knew it could feel like a personal attack if I were to mention my loneliness to this friend. Alas I had to try because we do talk about everything! I explained to her that I had tried reaching my husband but that he hadn’t heard me, and nor had my other friends. This friend did show care and concern; she asked the reasons contributing to this feeling, and even stopped talking long enough to listen to my answer. It was a good start. However as I started to express the reasons, she almost angrily told me off for using those reasons to feel bad and bully myself. I felt myself shut down like a clam as I stared into my dinner and tried to deflect the conversation back to herself. My poor friend spent the rest of the evening trying to pry me back open, but we cut the evening pretty short because I suspect we both felt disconnected.

As expected with this friend, we discussed it when we got home. I expressed that I know she cares for me and has my back and wont allow me to bully myself or enable my pity parties and that I need that so much from her, but essentially I wanted a loving compassionate response of understanding. The thing with hurt feelings and sadness is the more you try and push, justify, rationalise or explain them away (or just plain ignore them,) the more they push to be heard. I just wanted someone to tell me they understood why I was feeling that way and let me believe I am not the world’s worst person for feeling sad when I have so much good in my life. I wasn’t ready to move on from the hurt because I needed to feel connected and understood and validated and heard in order to heal. In the parenting workshop I attended recently they called what I needed “Being With” (sadness) and most people, myself included struggle with this.

I knew the friend I wanted. Unfortunately she was also the friend that led me to writing this blog in the first place and the friend who could be the person I need if only she could find the time. Which she can’t. Still, I reached out to her anyway because I figured if I was feeling this disconnected and lonely, she probably was too. I was right. Unfortunately she couldn't see me for 2 weeks. However just knowing that she was going to see me and I was going to have that safe place seemed to be enough. By the time I saw her, this feeling had passed but I knew when I told her about it she would understand, she wouldn't tell me it’s stupid, trivial or that I am ungrateful. She will not throw facts at me, empower me, scold me, criticise me or be mad at me. She will gently guide me into drawing my own conclusions about how I can feel better instead of telling me off or telling me what to do. That is what I wanted in this scenario. 

Being aware of what I want and need and who I should go to for meeting these needs is important.  

None of my other friends were wrong, bad or deliberately insulting. Friend A empowers me so much, Friend B shares so much of herself with me in a way I admire, Friend C is so much fun to be around, and Friend D is super supportive and would do anything for you. Friend E actually sent me flowers a few weeks after this post was written, but before it was posted.) It occurred to me then, that once again, my expectation for people to respond to me in a certain way was letting me down rather than letting them all comfort and hear me in their own way. I do know they all care for me after all, or we wouldn't be friends in the first place. If I don't expect my husband to be all things, I shouldn't expect my friends to be able to give more than they can either. One is better for one need than the other, but none are of greater value.. just depends on the need. 

There are other friends I could have tried, but again, I didn’t see them that week. Time is cruel like that. Each of my friends has their strengths, things I enjoy about them, and I need them all in my life. That said I need to work harder at fostering a deeper sense of connection with them all. That might mean telling them and asking for what I need, it might mean being more vulnerable, it might mean not deflecting or waiting for permission to speak. It will mean getting to understand them better and know how they feel connected to people - to make sure they want to feel connected to me. And it will also mean staying open to new friendships with people who have both the ability and the time to meet my needs. Just as I thought my rotation was full, the universe points out there is always room for one more!

And, yes, I do know, that after all of that; my husband was right. I made another appointment for my psychologist. Haha Women!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Abo Ngalonkulu

For my Mummy Tribe

A friend of mine recently posed the question “Do you feel motherly towards your friend’s kids?” I responded with a quick no, and said it was because she was more of a natural mother than I am. I believe this to be true, however on reflection I did spend a fair portion of that day caring for her young toddler and making sure he was ok. She was there, she could have done it, but instinct takes over and you just do parent/care for each other’s kids without thinking about it! This got me thinking….

I so enjoy my single childless friends. They are the ones with the time to share with me, the ones who remember to check in most frequently and the ones who still see me as a person outside of my domestic roles.

That said, during the long summer holidays with the kids, it is my mummy tribe that see me through and save my sanity! Why is it that these are the friends who seem undervalued, when they are the ones who carry me through the harder times?

These are the mums who spend countless hours at playgrounds with us, the ones who help deal with tantrums and toileting issues and remembered to bring sunscreen when you forgot. They are always there to catch any one of our kids when they fall, negotiate battles between our children and bring enough snacks for a small army.

I appreciate our weekly catch up’s, never more so than in the school holidays. I love that I know I can count on you to show up, just as exhausted as I am and try and wrangle our children together. I love that you understand the silences and don’t find them awkward, as we just enjoy a moment’s peace with some caffeine.  I appreciate that I can check my phone and not offend you because you also are desperate to respond to that email or whatever.

Thank you for showing up in the hard times, even if it is just because you have to, for your own sanity! I know I am just as important to you as you are to me.  You watch my kids while I pee and I watch yours while you make that important phone call. Thank you for never judging me, my parenting or my kids and understanding we are all just doing the best we can to get by.

Thank you for sharing great child friendly deals, vouchers and places with me and filling our days, because you understand how hard it is to be home alone with the children all day. I don’t thank you enough. You are my tribe and just like in the wild, we come together as female animals and raise the kids together. It takes a village and all that. You guys are my village!  I imagine it like a net of hands being held underneath our kids; while the children play on top, and there is always room for one more. Instinctively we come together, maybe we don’t literally hold hands, (although I am open to this ladies!! Haha ) but we support one another and make room and time for one another without question. It’s a beautiful thing!

The reasons though, that I don’t appreciate you enough is because we spend so much time supporting each other that we don’t spend enough time connecting with each other. I’m sorry for that. Our conversations are so crowded with the kids, our domestic lives and struggles that there isn’t much time spent on really getting to know you as people outside of these roles the way I do with my childless friends.

At a time when I am most socially occupied with you all, every day for 2 months on end, I often notice I feel loneliest. I wonder if you feel the same way. Are we merely using each other as coping mechanisms instead of valuing each other and connecting? The potential is there, and I vow to explore that some more. I promise to talk to you more about your interests and hobbies instead of your meal plans and budget. I vow to put down my phone and fill those silences with connection rather than caffeine. I vow to still hold your hand, but also hold your heart.

Thank you for being my tribe, but more than that, thank you for being my friends. I look forward to getting to know you all better.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I

I bet you think this post is about you, don't you?

Reading the signs

Boundaries. These are things we are supposed to use to protect ourselves, but I think sometimes we instead use them to push people away.

As I delve further into awareness, I become increasingly aware of the unspoken signs and boundaries people put in place to let me know when they do not consider me a friend, and do not wish to consider me one in the future.

I know for a fact that there are some of you reading this who think I don’t “get it.” I do! I feel the unfriendliness in your responses to me. I notice the short answers and or the somewhat abrupt although polite tone you use with me. I'm aware of your closed or limited body language and or eye contact. I notice when you reply in such a way that doesn’t invite more conversation. I feel your boundaries screaming at me not to come any closer, to go away.

You know, the reason you think I don’t get it, is because I persist with my over friendly nature that pushes you away. I pretend I don’t hear it and that it doesn’t hurt me. I am over friendly, flirtatious even, by nature. I enjoy people and I am not shy about telling them this. I enjoy some people who do not seem to enjoy me. I do notice and it does hurt me. But I don’t dislike them for it.

I can accept that I am too much for some people. I am too intense, too friendly, too nosey, too flirtatious (especially for the straight women!) too forward or whatever else they want to call me. I don’t let their feelings towards me colour my feelings for them. I am also learning not to take it personally. I think their unfriendliness is much more a reflection of themselves than myself.  If someone wants to be so focused on the fact that we are not friends, I have to wonder how they made any friends at all. It’s fairly unkind behaviour that makes me feel it’s wrong to want more friends. It’s not wrong, is it? How else, other than being friendly would one achieve this?

Why is my friendly nature so off putting to these people? Why does someone trying to be their friend trigger a very stand offish boundaried (there I go again making up words! Lol)  and cautious response? Equally, why does this unfriendly response trigger me to try harder when I have been consciously aware that this is the very thing that makes them pull away? Touché.

I can’t say I have it in me to be unfriendly, unless we have had a disagreement and I feel unfriendly towards someone. However in an attempt to have more respect for you and your boundaries, I will no longer push them. If you imply in your responses, with closed body language, vague responses, short uninviting messages, or lack of responses at all in some cases I will take the hint and leave you alone. So if you don’t hear from me again; it’s because you were unkind, unwelcoming and or unapproachable and you rejected my offer of friendship.  It is because you did hurt my feelings. I felt unworthy of your time, friendship and kindness. I want you to know that. I know you don’t care – after all you didn’t want to be friends, you wanted me to go away. You win… but you also lose, because I am a freakin’ great friend!

I am sure you have your reasons, and they probably don’t have anything to do with me at all. If any of my readers can relate to this, just know that a person’s unfriendliness or lack of engagement towards you is a reflection of themselves. Never let these people make you any less friendly or open to new people. My good friend and I refer to this as “crumbs.” Sweep them into our proverbial bakery (it has a theme song and everything!) and go get yourself a loaf. You deserve more.

If people want to use their boundaries to push you away, it’s (probably) not because you are awful and someone they need to be protected from. It is because they are not open to the possibilities. Keep being kind, and friendly… just with different people. Never stop telling people all the things you admire about them or what they mean to you, how much you enjoy them or how much you value them. The people who are worth keeping in your life will respond in kind. Those are your people. The other people aren’t but that doesn’t mean you have to waste energy disliking them back. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I Promise! Plus the way you conduct yourself is a reflection of you and you’ll feel better about yourself if you stay kind.

It’s sad for me to say I can list quite a few people who will feel this post is directed at them. If you are wondering if this post is directed at you…. the song ‘You’re so vain’ by Carly Simon comes to mind “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you?!...." Lol Relax. It’s not about you! If you did wonder though, that’s probably your guilty conscience telling you that you have indeed used boundaries to be unkind and push someone away for no good reason. Maybe it was me, or maybe it was someone else. Boundaries are meant to keep yourself safe, not to push other people away.  Were you really unsafe? Or just unkind? Think about it.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Krista Mangulsone

Back to Front

Ok. New years resolution - be more open, honest and vulnerable in my writing....(also write way shorter posts - but this one is LONG, because it needed to be. Respect! Sorry Readers!) So....
What brought me on this journey, and made me realise I wanted to bring attention to the topic of female friendship specifically? This is a question I am frequently asked and I usually politely say I noticed a pattern in my own social situations and those of my family and friends, and felt strongly that this issue was affecting women and nobody was talking about it. It’s not a lie, essentially it is 100% true….. However I feel I should come clean about the real catalyst. 

To do that, I must start at the back, when I was getting it all wrong, and lead you to the front where I am now. That’s a pretty accurate analogy for how I was conducting my friendships anyway. Back to front, like that time I tried on the dress in Cue, and came out of the dressing room with the long zip at the front of the dress. The woman in the store put on the straightest face she could manage and complimented me, adding she had never seen it worn back to front like that before but that it looked “interesting.” I tell you I couldn’t get back in that dressing room fast enough, to correct my mistake. I was soooo embarrassed. I literally had no idea it was back to front. Cringe! If only I could have found some sort of portal as an exit from the shop so I didn’t have to face that woman again. Needless to say I didn’t buy anything that day! Priceless! Essentially this blog is a bit like my dressing room for friendships, where I needed to take the time to get it right. I hope we can figure it out together readers. Welcome to my proverbial changing room. Be warned that like most fitting rooms, the lights are bright, the reflections are many, and we may see some reflections we don’t really like. It’s ok though. Relax. Breathe. We are going to change what we can and then learn to love all our angles, even the less flattering ones, because we are who we are. And we are wonderful! Honestly. 

Onto the story then….

After finding myself excluded from a group friendship, I was lost, confused, hurt and questioning my worth and my value. I found that despite having a very good, happy and full life, I was unable to escape this pain. The emptiness seemed to engulf me as my mind wandered over the details again and again. I tried to talk to my husband about it. Understanding and supportive as he is, his grasp on the depth of my emotional pain was loose, like a weak handshake that makes you instantly annoyed with the person on the other end of it. Other friends were supportive, however, some more than others, reluctant to get involved; and all in a hurry to drop the subject matter. There didn’t seem to be anybody to talk to, who could or would relate to this particular breed of heartbreak. Especially when taking into account the part I played in the deterioration of those friendships. Nobody wants to tell you if they think you got what you deserved. Certainly I don’t want to sit and play the victim. I was hurting, and so were my now ex friends. They lost something just as important as I did when our friendship ended. Let’s just say that it ended badly and didn’t reflect particularly well on any of us…(I have written about it in this blog before if you do want the details.)

So anyway, where do you turn when you have nobody to talk to? Yup, a psychologist. They have to listen and validate you, because that’s what you pay them for!!  And being able to acknowledge my pain over this ending was such an immense relief. I wanted and needed to feel accepted and understood and heard and not to be told I was making too much of a big deal out of something minor, which was the general consensus outside my therapy bubble. Therapy.  It’s emotional gold. (Physical gold for her. My psychologist drives a BMW. Enough said. She was going to keep cashing in on my pain as long as I would let her! Haha.) Along the way, these sessions became more about me than about the end of these friendships, and I started to feel stronger.

I felt hopeful when I shared a new connection with a woman who I felt could become someone very special to me. As I slowly opened up to her, and spoke of my experience with the other friends, she acknowledged my pain. She never made me feel immature, and never judged me. She let me feel whatever I felt. We discussed openly anything and everything as we each burrowed into the comfy little “friend love nest” we were building for two. The most beautiful thing about it, I feel, was that as we shared who we were with one another; we learned who we were for ourselves. As if for the first time, exposing our true selves. I was married and she was single, but aside from that, as luck would have it - we were pretty similar; even if she was the thinner, prettier, older and wiser twin. (It’s fair to say I idolised her somewhat) We understood what nobody else did. We thought the same way, sometimes the same thoughts. We spoke a secret shared language. We became the infamous BFF’S. 

I can now acknowledge, the more she saw me, validated me and loved me, the more I felt those things for myself. What a powerful elixir indeed. She was the best relationship I never had. We were not a couple. We were not romantically involved in any way. We were not in constant communication or contact. We usually caught up on her couch once a week or so and talked until the wee hours of the morning – venting about our week and whatever drama’s happened along the way. If she needed to call in between visits or I did, then we would, but mostly we saved it up for our girls’ nights. Both of us recall these times with genuine fondness. What I didn’t realise then, was that co-dependency was planting its seeds and sprouting all around us. If you are interested in the topic and want to know the signs of co-dependency, I read a brilliant article about it entitled “How to overcome emotional dependency” you can read here: I highly recommend you take a peek. 
https://www.howtoforgivepeople.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency

Apparently it can happen with anyone, especially those of us with limited self-esteem and self-awareness, and the most dangerous thing about it is that you might not even notice it exists until you are removed from the source. To directly quote the article
“Sliding into dependency will make you feel like a stalker the moment they change their minds about having you around.” 

I mentioned she was single. I wasn’t. It didn’t matter then, but it was naive to think it would never be an issue. Especially for people like me who struggle with change. The writing was on the wall. I was excited for her as she started her journey into online dating and enjoyed all the recounts of the dates; the good, the bad and the ugly. Eventually though, the dates became a relationship. I wasn’t worried, she loved me just as much as I loved her. I left my partner at home to share her company, I was sure she would do the same for me? I would be flexible and I would be rewarded, right…..? If only it were that simple. Because of his job, her schedule soon had to be dictated around his. This changed her availability significantly, and the frequency of our visits started to decline. That said, when he was working, I would be there, on her couch when she could make time. Unfortunately for me; I was now sharing her time more competitively with her other friends too, because the changes to her availability also meant trying to maintain the existing connections with other people in her life. (The audacity of her to try and maintain anyone besides me?! Lol) When we did manage to catch up, dating gossip turned into relationship venting, and although I didn’t see her as much anymore, (and the spaces between our chats and visits became longer) I tried to patch up the cracks with a healthy amount of denial and anxiously carry on. When we were together it was still as it always had been, we just didn’t see each other as often anymore. I felt very conflicted about this. Her engagement happened, and before you know it, she was moving in with him. This was good news for her, but I knew deep down, it was not good news for me. For us. She used to live close by, and now it is quite a lot further than that. Still I would happily leave my husband at home with the children when her fiancé was away and trek there. She was worth it. I still enjoyed our time together. (I still “needed” it. Ugh.) 

Basically the more she pulled away, the tighter I held on to her. I started to question her time and how she was using it, because if she had a spare second, she OWED it to me, you know?! I was turning to social media to confirm my suspicions that she was lying to me about her availability or lack thereof. When you stop seeing someone’s intentions as pure or positive, your perception of everything they say and do on Facebook can and will be used against them negatively! Trust me, it doesn't feel good for anybody involved. (If you find yourself doing this please stop!) Plans started to get postponed to times so far in advance that they are forgotten. Oh, I didn’t forget. Score keepers don’t forget!!! You better believe I was keeping score by now. Healthy. Not... Lol. And so this describes my slow decline into feeling like a stalker, just like the article said I would. I was a detective on the case looking for clues and confirmation of what I already knew. We were over. Alas, I was not going to be forgotten easily, or without a fight. 

It was my obsessive, sole mission, to fix this. When demanding answers or addressing the issue head on with her didn’t work, I turned to more underhanded methods. If there were a way to try and control or manipulate this situation into a favourable outcome for me, you bet your bottom dollar I tried it. All my efforts failed because you cannot force feelings. Most of the time you can’t explain them either. As my feelings and behaviours clearly demonstrated they can be difficult to control too. Pushing her for answers wasn’t helping. I was only pushing her further away. As far as she was concerned we were still best friends and her feelings for me hadn’t changed. Maybe this was true, but I no longer felt loved. Even if she did still love me, I no longer believed it. I felt abandoned, scared, alone, and as if we couldn’t be friends just because she said we were without her being actively involved in my life anymore. Resentment. I felt so much resentment for one of my favourite people in the world. That was an ugly shock. An ugly angle or reflection in the proverbial mirror. Like that roll of back fat I didn’t want to see! Ew. No amount of arguing my point, reaching out with gestures, frequent contact, no contact or any of the other ideas I found on the internet had worked. I was still desperately heart broken, to the point that both of us started to question at what point I had fallen in love with her? Surely a reaction this big could only mean I had been harbouring secret romantic feelings all along? How could I not know, how could she? Why did I only realise when it was all too late? I did love her, whatever that meant anymore, so how did it get so messy, so quickly? I didn’t understand myself. Along with continued counselling, I turned to books. Seems like the natural conclusion after all?  The smarts will be in the books. Lol. 

I read every book about female or just plain old friendships I could get my hands on. And something happened. I became so interested in the topic, and so fascinated by the things I was reading, I forgot why I was reading them. I realised I hadn’t read a single book that said everything I wanted it to say. I needed to write it. I started to read about self-esteem and co-dependency and triggers. I read about self-awareness and accountability. Accountability. I had been hell bent on holding my friend accountable for the betrayal she had bestowed on me by getting married (the nerve of that woman! Ha) that I hadn’t stopped to ask myself if I was being a good friend to her. Had I stopped to look at this from her perspective, thought about what she "needed" from me right now? No. She needed understanding, patience and the freedom and space to live her life without feeling like she was letting me down. Why did I feel like she was letting me down? Because my self-esteem was enmeshed in our friendship. I thought I NEEDED her to exist. To be happy.

My focus should never have been on her, or controlling or manipulating her actions towards me to coax her into meeting my "need." The only person I can control is myself - with effort I can control me, my perspective, my thoughts and my focus. My life. She was focused on her own life and happiness, and rightly so. Just because I was married already, did not mean I had no further purpose. I just hadn’t found it yet, obvious as it now seems. I was born for this and all my life has been practise, leading up to this conclusion.

My psychologist pointed out that whenever we have a really big reaction to something, it usually means a secret fear of ours about ourselves, a core belief, is being triggered. My secret fear was that I was unlovable, disposable, not worthy. And she triggered all of them, simply by creating space for herself to live her new life. What a powerful moment. To truly see that none of it was about me at all. To remove the power of those triggers, I need to work on those core beliefs about self. (And stop having an adult tantrum. Lol) I could choose to see it from her perspective. And if I could love myself, and be my own best friend, cliché as it sounds, I would never "need" her, or anyone else, ever again. (That is not to say I want to be alone with no people or friends, not at all. It just frees me from feeling that one particular person holds the key to my happiness as such.)

So I embark on this journey of accepting myself, forgiving myself, not blaming myself for other people’s choices, not limiting myself based on their choices and ultimately loving myself. I started to see my other friendship breakdowns in a new light, and understand some reactions from other people that I had not understood before. I saw some ugliness there too. Change the lighting in here, it is showing up every flaw?! The ugly truth was - I had done this to other women, and never even blinked an eye, oblivious to their pain, almost plain refusing to see it! This had come full circle. Oh how the mighty have fallen! (First her, then me! Lol)

My own experiences with female friendships alone were the basis of the book I am attempting to write, but why stop there? I want us all to share our experiences. I want your opinions. I want your stories. I realised I have something to say. That I have struggled with this issue my whole life and I need to use it to help other women struggling like I was. I realised that I was ok on my own. (Also that I was not actually on my own) I broke free of the prison I had locked myself into by thinking I needed her to be happy or loved or to exist.  There is not that many books on the topic, not enough articles, and most of the self-esteem sites etc… focus on romantic relationships. Well my issue has never been with romantic relationships.  I think a lot of women, people, friends, can relate to this, although it isn’t discussed. Yes, the things I explore can also apply to men and or romantic relationships for sure. Even just questioning when I fell in love with my best female friend, (I never did by the way!) raised some valid points, I feel, about the similarities between romantic and platonic love and the ways we define them. But that is another blog post all together. 

Now that I could finally see the beauty in letting her choose for herself, I could finally let go of her. Let go of my investment in our future. Stop stalking her social media and looking for signs if we were still friends or not. I want her in my life. I no longer "need" her there.  In fact I never did. But I believed I did. The human mind is a fragile thing. Be careful where you indulge it. 

Telling her about my book idea was terrifying. We were already so fragile. Would this break us? Would she feel it was a personal attack on her character? I was finally able to tell her because I no longer needed to fix us. I was going to do this if it broke us or not. What difference would it make to my life anyway, as she had long since left it (well, almost) to be on her own path? For the first time I am loving me, without needing her to do it first. Without needing anyone to do it first. For the first time in forever I feel like I have my own path, and I believe in myself enough to follow it and lead the way. 

It took me 2 years of thinking I was not ok without this person to realise I had been just fine all along. I still love her. She still loves me. It’s a gift to us both that I know this now, that I believe in it and feel it again. In fact, if anything, this has brought us closer together because I am not burdening her with my happiness, success, self-esteem and self-worth anymore.  With my existence. I never meant to put any of that on her, but I recognise now that is exactly what I did. I remember our co-dependency with great fondness, but I don’t miss it anymore. I don’t even want to go back to that unhealthy place.  My new mantra is “I got this. All on my own.” I’ve accepted responsibility and accountability for myself. Please come on this journey with me? The answers lie in the future, the lessons in the past.

While I am sorry for my strange obsessive behaviour, I don’t accept full responsibility for our issues. She and I have discussed this. There were things we could have both handled differently, better, for ourselves and for each other. We have fought, hugged, cried throughout this journey of self-discovery, and apologised for our mistakes. We have reached forgiveness. Nope. Bugger that, we have reached understanding. We have come full circle. And that is what friendship means. Getting through the hard times, by thinking more about her perspective, feelings, wants and needs than your own. (I am reluctant to still use the term “need” in relation to friendship, but there is yet another topic for discussion. Thank you universe! Lol)

This blog is for her. She knows who she is. Thank you for the love, the support, the kindness. For letting me exist when I didn’t think I could on my own and trying so hard to carry me when I got so heavy while you were trying to fly! (“Heavy” - AKA Intense, although rest assured weighty issues caused weight issues too! Haha) Thank you for understanding me the way you still do and for our ongoing friendship. You provided me the catalyst to change my life. You are my nothing, yet somehow, on some level, you are still my everything. Whatever happens from here, I will never forget you. I will always be grateful for you. You changed my life. I love you. Xx (And make sure you read my damned book! Lol) 

Love,

your Best Friend ForNever (BFFN)

Friendship "Resolutions" (Acronym)

Respect: Respect your friends and their time. Be mindful of their opinions, feelings, lifestyle, choices and goals, even if you don’t agree or understand.

Engage, empathise, and empower. Engage in a genuine way, stay present during conversations, make sure you are empathising and not sympathising. (To tell the difference, watch this short you tube here.) Empower your friends. Tell them their strengths, support their goals and dreams. Instead of being annoyed by certain traits such as a friend who takes too many selfies or talks about her pregnancy, baby/children or career too much empower her by pointing out how beautiful and inspiring she looks, how excited you are about her baby, how much you enjoy watching her blossom as a parent and hearing and sharing in the joys and successes of her kids, or how inspired you feel at her determination to succeed at work. Be positive instead of negative in your thoughts, words and intentions, when she is with you and when she is not. 

Support, self esteem and self awareness.  Support your friend and her situation, regardless of her circumstances, while being conscious not to enable bad behaviours, patterns, relationships or choices. Be true to yourself, be aware of yourself, your needs and your values. Be authentically and fully yourself and let your friends know what you need to feel connected.

Optimise. Make the most of any and all time you get with your friends. Don’t spend your time together on your phone or tending to other obligations.

Love and listen. Love yourself and your friends. Listen to your needs, intuition, and their words. Ask questions about them and show interest in their answers. Try not to turn the conversation around to yourself constantly.

Understand. Do your best to understand your friends. This extends to their values, their needs, their situations and circumstances and their feelings. Be conscious of understanding your own self and your own triggers and boundaries too.

Trust and time. Trust the positive intentions of your friends. Don’t go looking for reasons to blame them, look for ways you could improve the situations yourself. Make more time for your friends. Make it a priority to do something positive for your friendships and your social life at least once per week, however small. Let people know you are thinking of them when you can’t make time. Then make some ASAP.

Intimacy. Try to deepen or strengthen your intimacy in your friendships. Identify ways in which your friends feel more connected to you – do they need to be shown attention or asked about themselves? Do they need to feel fun and be invited to events and activities? Do they need you to engage their family? How do you feel more connected and how can you help foster a deeper connection?

Own your part. It is easy to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself, but we all play a role in allowing some situations that make us uncomfortable or upset. If you're focusing on what they can do to help you feel better; tell them and then ask yourself what you can do without them changing anything. You can only control yourself remember. 

New friends and never judge. Be open to making and fostering new friendships. Make a conscious effort not to judge your friends. New or old. Recognise and respect that your values, experiences and beliefs may be different; just listen and support your friends – you don’t need to question them, pressure them or fix them. Perspective allows you to recognise that just because you are right doesn't make someone else wrong. 

Speak and share. Don’t wait to be asked. Offer information about your life. Don’t make people guess what it is that you want to talk about. If something is important to you, be it a health issue, or a work issue, or just that you get to express how your day was, make sure you do. You may think that person should have asked you about whatever it is, but you’ll feel better once you express it and they listen regardless if you were asked or not. Assuming they do listen that is. If not refer to the point about new friends! If you don't speak because you were waiting to be asked or invited to speak, or if you say you are fine when you aren’t, or deflect when people do ask you – ultimately you may wonder why you feel lonely or misunderstood. I am guilty of this; post to coming soon. 

Happy New Year Peoples! Make 2017 Your own! What are your friendship resolutions? 

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Annie Spratt

Can you be friends with your ex?

So once upon a time there lived you, and a person you were fairly crazy about. At some point you imagined a future together and held big hopes that you had finally met your person. Or maybe you didn’t, but they did. Either way, it didn’t quite end up that way for one reason or another…

Maybe you have kids with this person and feel it would be in their best interests to stay friends with the ex. Maybe you or they offered friendship only halfheartedly as a way to soften the break up blow. Perhaps you have been together for so long that co-dependency creeps in making you unable to imagine a future without this person, even if the context is now different. It’s possible that all your friends were mutual and you feel it is for the greater good that you stay friends. For whatever reason, most of us have pondered staying friends with an ex.

In order to give readers some personal context, I should note that the only ex I have been able or willing to maintain a friendship with is female, however I do feel (I hope!) that if circumstances dictated necessity; that I could maintain a friendship with my husband post marriage too.

When I look at my situation with my ex girlfriend, and that of someone currently navigating the waters of being friends with an ex, or a few actually; 3 things stand out.

1. Time and Space. All emotional romantic investment must have dissipated – on BOTH sides. Where it hasn’t; BOTH people must respect the feelings of the other person more than they would any other friend without a shared romantic history. For example perhaps don’t go on and on about your new romance?

In my (admittedly limited) experience it is not possible to slide straight from a romantic context to a platonic one. When my ex, who I am very lucky to still call a close and valued friend, and I, tried to rush straight into friendship it was a disaster. We ended up tangled up in a messy web of hurt and jealousy and even a few more intimacies than platonic friends usually share. Clears throat! haha ;) My ex had the good sense to end it. I don’t know if she meant it when she asked me for “a year’s break” from each other so we could each have the space to figure out what we wanted and rediscover who we were without each other. However she asked me and I respected her enough to oblige. One year - No contact. 

After a year had passed, I contacted her again (I'm nothing if not persistent! A bit like a bad smell perhaps?! haha)  and we began our friendship all over again - on tender hooks. To be honest I don’t know if she thought I wouldn’t contact her again, and I don’t know if she herself would have reached out if I didn’t. It couldn’t be too intimate too soon, and the casual distant friendship that ensued between us as a result was awkward because there was so much intimacy before. Slowly we rebuilt our friendship, it was the only way. I don’t think we would be as close today as we are, if she had not asked for some space. We needed it to heal, grieve, and become ourselves again; she was right. We already knew each other inside out (Literally! Sorry for that mental image! Lol) but we had to learn new ways of interacting…. Which brings me swiftly to point number 2…

2. Boundaries. What was lacking when my ex and I first tried to be friends, was boundaries. Was it still acceptable for me to use her key card, or for her to sleep in my bed if we were now just friends? No. We had been so used to these patterns that it was hard to recognise they were unhelpful in terms of friendships. We could not continue to live together. We could not continue the same intimacies as we shared as a couple – physical, emotional or financial. We had to be 2 full separate people to be friends. We could no longer be co-dependent. For a time, we could no longer be friends at all and it was terrifying not knowing if we would be in each other’s lives at all in the future.

As a friend of mine is currently attempting some friendships with her exes, she struggles with the boundaries that get so easily compromised when we attempt friendships with the ex. Where there are clear boundaries with a person you have never been romantic with, they are not so clear in this situation. Can you live with an ex? If you do, how far should your loyalty to them extend? If you live with them and you also occasionally sleep with them, is it then a relationship again?

Whether you lived together or not; if you both consent and understand the new platonic context, can you still sleep with them without anybody getting hurt? Should you or will this only hold you or them back when you should be moving forward? Should you kiss them at midnight on new year’s?  Why is it so hard to maintain boundaries with an ex?  They certainly trigger us in ways our other friends don’t – passion, anger, jealousy, love, validation.

I am pretty sure my ex and I both understand and respect the new platonic context of our relationship. We do hug, yes, but not lingering hugs. We avoid heavy flirting, although inappropriate jokes here and there still do happen. We can discuss our innermost feelings because that emotional intimacy and trust is still there, and we just know when one of us is not ok. We are there for each other but not overly involved or invested. Boundaries!

I think number 3 is the best reason that my ex and I will stay friends, and why it is likely that my friend to whom I referred in point number 2 will probably manage to make friendship work with her exes. Actually she is currently on her third attempt at a friendship with one particular ex. That sounds crazy, right? I think there has to be something there though that keeps them coming back to each other. Is it Friendship or is it something more?  Watch this space! Whatever it is they clearly like and respect each other. Yes they were lovers, but more than that, they were friends. (Also they have had space after the second failed friendship attempt. Boundaries will determine what happens from here!)

3. Friendship.  The quality of the friendship that existed between you even when you were more than friends. Honestly the main reason it hasn’t happened with my other exes is because I can’t say we had strong friendships within the relationship. Perhaps we had passion and respect and love for each other but essentially without sex holding us together, we just didn’t know how to be together. Sad but true.  Maybe we actually didn’t really like each other that much… which would explain the “EX” factor! Lol.

This has proved true in my experience!

My ex-girlfriend however, was my best friend when we were together. If I had to liken some of my friends to family; she'd be up there.... Because she was a part of my family for many years. She gave so much of herself to me, and for me (and my family.) It took a while to enjoy family events without her at them, and she missed being there too. My family loved her, they still do. So we were able to put aside romance, sex, jealousies and resentments and just be there for each other because we cared enough to. We both wanted our friendship to work enough to make it work. (The hardest part of losing her was losing our friendship.) Rebuilding it was WORK! Even if that meant space, and rediscovering each other and not being as close for a long time. We endured all the uncomfortableness (spell check is telling me this isn't a word, but I'm claiming it!) and pain for each other, because our friendship is worth it. Boundaries and space were hard, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love you chick. You know who you are. I never stopped loving you and I never will. And I love that we have reached that safe space where I can say that to you and just know that you get it! You are still one of my biggest life supporters and this post is for you to honour our friendship. It hasn’t always been easy, but it was worth it. You are worth it. I haven’t always deserved your friendship and loyalty, your support and love. Our friendships is a reflection of the brilliant and forgiving person that you are and it is a gift I will treasure always.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

5 meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season

Yes, I am going to say it. A friendship collage. Ok, I know how immature and outdated that suggestion sounds, but a friend of mine gave me a friendship album last year – an old school friendship album filled with pics of us together, silly selfies we have taken and sent eachother, snap shots of messages we have sent each other, references to private jokes, and a very touching letter from her thanking me for my friendship and describing all the ways I have added value to her life. One of the best, most thoughtful, sentimental and meaningful gifts I have ever received. Also it’s inexpensive, although I imagine it took hours of planning and crafting which makes it even more valuable to me. Almost as valuable as my friend! She is a gift to my life for sure! 

Time. Agree to spend time together at a dinner or a lunch. Put everything else aside, write a nice card and just make your friend a priority. Time is the best gift you can give someone.

Jewellery. Another heart - warming gift I received was a bracelet engraved with the term “Friendship reaches for your hand but touches your heart.” One of my close friends once received one earring. When my friend and the giver of the earring get together they make the effort to wear the matching side, to symbolise their being a pair. You could go the traditional best friend necklace, or each wear a matching chain with a ring engraved with each other’s names. It can be as unique as you are, and doesn’t have to be expensive.

Engraved goods. One year I got someone a make up kit and in it was a silver mirror which I had engraved with the term “Love us” (which is our slogan created largely by auto correct that we have embraced.) I know every time she uses it to look fabulous she will also feel fabulous at the reminder of our friendship!

Tickets for you and your friend to an event, show or day spa for example. Not only are you demonstrating your awesome knowledge of your friends taste in leisure activities, you are also planning an event to spend time together and create memories that will hold your friendship together. (If your friend has kids and it is possible for you to take care of the babysitting arrangements too, you get brownie points!)

Sure you could get her her favourite perfume, “a mixed tape,” a hair straightener, clothes, kitchen things, chocolates or that quirky art piece that you knew she would love, but whatever you give her, make sure it has sentimental value and expresses how much she really means to you. The real value is in the friendships not in the gifts. Thank her for her friendship – it is all the gift she needs.

Wishing you and all your friends all the best this festive season!

 ❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image By Roberto Nickson

Friendship – Terms and expressions of interest and expectation

I have recently had the pleasure of watching a close friend of mine branch out and attempt to make more meaningful connections with new women in her life, after many discussions in which we each acknowledged what powerfully positive relationships female friendships actually are.

It has been a curious journey to document and I notice the main thing that prevents my friend from fully experiencing satisfaction from these new friendships is her expectations of what it means to be a friend. In reflection this has also significantly impacted my own friendships too, and I imagine many of you can relate. I mean, when the term friendship is so subjective, and each person’s definition varies so much, how can we effectively manage our expectations of others, and their expectations of us as friends?

Although there are many valid ways of making friends; in this instance my friend met this new person in her life online. The first thing that stood out to me, when viewing this from an outside perspective, is that my friend instantly referred to the new person in her life as a new friend. This was the definition – before they had even met…. It instantly made me wonder what possible value the word “friend” holds when we use it to describe someone instantly after only one online conversation. When we use the word friend – do we really just use it as a cover all catch phrase to emphasise the non-romantic and non-familial bond we are looking to explore? Perhaps we do… but should we?

If this was a romantic bond forming, would we label someone we had spoken to only once online as a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or lover? It seems unlikely. Why? Because when we are romantically interested in someone we realise that there is a period of spending time with that person for a while first to explore how well we fit into each other’s lives. To explore if our values are similar and to acknowledge that we don’t yet know that person well enough to say if we want them as permanent fixtures in our lives. It would usually be said in these circumstances that we are “seeing” someone, “dating” them or getting to know them more closely. Fair enough. Makes sense, right? (You see where I am going with this don’t you?!)

Why are there no such allowances and subcategories for friendships? Is it less important that we get to know them before we invest? Is it unnecessary that our values match? Do they not need to fit into our lives well? Why does the terminology matter? Expectation – that’s why. When we date someone, we are more open to exploring who a person is, and keep our expectations of them in check as a result. While you may expect a partner to collect you from the airport at 3am for example, you are unlikely to hold the same expectation of someone you are merely dating. Similarly, a person is less likely to expect an organ donation for example from a boyfriend or girlfriend however may hold higher expectations of a husband or wife. A romantic relationship progresses to signify the importance of the person and the relationship, and also to help everyone involved manage their expectations.

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By calling this new person a “friend” so soon, my friend had unacknowledged expectations of friendship, before she had spent enough time with the woman in question to know if she was a good match. This is not my friend's fault, but rather the lack of language around friendship in general. You may refer to the lady at the bus stop as a friend because you discuss the weather twice a week while you wait for the bus, and you use the same term to describe someone so powerfully meaningful to your life that you are not sure how you coped without him or her for the last few years. Ok, you may call the latter a ‘best” friend, but my point is still valid. One person has earned the title and the other is just trying it on for size. If that.

My friend keeps contact with her friends daily, if only to briefly check in. It is one of the ways in which she expresses her friendship. It seems my friend’s “new friend” may find this contact unnecessary or overwhelming – although without addressing it with her directly we are only guessing. What is clear is that while she was engaging before, suddenly she has stopped or changed her level of engagement. My friend and I have discussed at length the possible reasons for this: Could it be exhaustion from working long hours as a manager at a department store near the festive season? Perhaps it had something to do with the Christmas Party they attended together – did my friend say or do something that upset or embarrassed this new person? Does this new person, who happens to be a lesbian woman, have romantic feelings for my friend?  It’s speculation at best.

What we do know is that she was engaging before, then they attended a party together and this new person stopped engaging, and started being distant, then cancelled on pre-arranged plans leaving my friend with expensive tickets to a show and no plus one. (Which I very willingly and happily benefited from! Thanks!) It is important to note prior to this, although communication between the 2 women was frequent and engaging, both parties had cancelled at least once on the other, and my friend had seen this new person cancel plans on others too, but gave it little thought at the time.

My question is: if she had described this person by name, not as a friend or in any other way that implies ownership or references the relationship to self, (eg MY friend, MY ex, MY colleague etc…) would she have better been able to identify that this new person had flaky tendencies and accept that as part of her, or acknowledge she finds this behaviour unsettling and move on?

Why is it, when we make new friends anyway, that there is not a period where we consider leaving the relationship as we would in a romantic context? I suspect it is because most romantic relationships exist on a monogamous level and friendships do not. When we can only choose one person perhaps we are much more selective, but it stands to reason we should be equally selective with friends and acknowledge that not everyone we call a friend has earned the title, nor will they.

Should my friend forgive and forget? Should she have an open discussion about this change? Should she meet distance with distance? Should she end this friendship? All of that is up to her. What I hope she does is spends less time worrying about the disappointment and distance while spending more time cultivating existing relationships or trying more new ones because she is worth it. The most important thing my friend has learned (apart from being mindful to watch her own flaky tendencies) is that this is not a reflection of herself or her worthiness as a friend. It is simply a new person revealing more about who they are, which only happens in time, and any expectation was premature.

Maybe it’s fair to say we can’t really call someone a friend for at least a year; so we have had a chance to experience more of them under a range of different circumstances. Using the term prematurely can leave us feeling disappointed and also trapped in an unfulfilling relationship that perhaps never should have progressed to begin with?  For the first year should we just call people by name instead? And let their behaviour dictate their title in relation to self rather than prematurely projecting our expectations and individual definitions of friendship onto them and then feeling let down?

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Image by Ian Schneider

An open letter to all my ex friends, crushes and lovers

There were those of you who were all 3 of these things at once. You know who you are; Those of you who said “just friends” while interacting with me like lovers and then removing any personal accountability for dashing my romantic expectations by shaming me and blaming my “crush” on you and reinstating the "just friends" rule whenever it suited you.  

There were some of you who were strictly platonic, some who were strictly lovers and even a few who were only ever (unrequited) crushes. This letter is for you.  All of you.

I do remember the good times each of you brought to my life. I don’t regret meeting any of you. Each of you made me feel so good at one point in time, even if it was short lived. I don’t feel the need to thank you for those positive times though. Partly because I like to believe I also made you feel good, happy and positive - even if only for a fleeting moment, and mostly because I know that I thanked you for those times already when you were still in my life.

Now that you are gone; I want to thank you for all the negativity you brought to my life. Yes, to thank you for it!

Thank you for making me feel not good enough so I could learn that I am enough. Not for you, but for myself.

Thank you for not having appropriate boundaries and therefore highlighting my own lack of boundaries, so I could learn how to be responsible for my own boundaries with others. Thanks also for teaching me what my boundaries are.

Thank you for being everything I don’t want so I could identify what I do want.

Thank you for not respecting me or my time, so I could learn to be accountable for my own lack of self-respect and making sure I do respect my time and that of other people.

Thank you for using my low self-esteem to your benefit so I could learn to understand the reasons behind my own questionable choices in allowing you to use me.

Thank you for not treating me the way I wanted and deserved so I could learn what I do want and acknowledge what I do deserve.

Thank you for not responding to my messages and other communications so I had the time and space to learn how to fill the silence with other people and things I do enjoy. You taught me to go where the love is and I no longer lose sleep over it if people don’t respond for 10 minutes, a day, a month, a year - or ever at all.

Thank you for teaching me to listen to what people do not say, and that if someone wants to talk to me – they will.

Thank you for not thinking I was worth more so I could start to question what I thought I was worth.

Thank you for pointing out that I was overweight and unattractive so I could challenge those views and change the parts of me that I didn’t like, not the parts that you didn’t.

Thank you for challenging me to be better, (in an effort to keep you) so I could learn how much better I can actually be if I want to. (Without you!)

Thank you for not making me happy so I could see it was not your job, or anyone else’s job, to make me happy, that I can make myself happy. I learned the meaning of the expression “The trouble in making other people responsible for your happiness is that then you NEED them to be happy.” I no longer NEED anyone; least of all you!

Thank you for letting me down, disappointing me and blaming my lack of “having a life” for my hurt so I could look at my life and how to make it richer, fuller and more satisfying without you in it.

Thank you for hurting me, so I could learn that difficult emotions pass. I now know that feelings are not facts, and I can indeed live without you.

Thank you for not accepting my sexuality so that I could stand up for it. You were proof that if I stand for nothing I fall for anything. In trying to get you to accept it, I also learned to accept and respect it for myself.

Thank you for being ashamed of me, so I could truly understand that this was much more a reflection of yourself than it was of myself; and for also making me see that I was too bright to exist only in the shadows.

Thank you for saying you loved me but not treating me as if you loved me so I could truly know that love is just a 4 letter word without action.

Thank you for not loving me so I could realise it only mattered because I didn’t love me, and that I needed to start.

Thank you for gas-lighting me so much that I lost trust in you and even began to question my sanity and my reality; so I had no choice but to start listening to and trusting the only thing I had left – my intuition.

Thank you for the painful but necessary lessons. Thank you for being my teachers.

Thank you for inspiring me to go on a journey to love myself. To be all that I can be. To be a person I am proud of, a person I like and a person I am learning to love. 

I lost you, but I found something far better; Myself!

I hope you took something away from having known me too. I hope you are happy, because I am. Ironically I think you treated me poorly because you needed to learn these lessons yourself. I no longer love you, but I hope you have found something better, I hope you have learned to love yourself so that you can finally love others.  

Thank you for teaching me that I couldn’t be a person anyone could love until I loved myself. Now I do.

Thank you.  Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Freddy Castro

Convenience; the births, marriages and deaths of friendships!

So many of my friendships, maybe in fact all of them, were developed out of convenience to some degree.

There are the friends I made in childhood, who, conveniently lived nearby and went to the same schools. There are the friends I made at various workplaces, who, conveniently got paid to be in the same building as me every day! (Yay, thanks “employer” for buying me some friends! Lol) There are the friends who had babies around the same time as I did, and were conveniently placed in the same mothers group as me, because we all lived conveniently nearby. There are the friends I met at the local playgroup, who all attended based on its convenience, locality and cheap price tag! There are the parents of my children’s friends and classmates, who all conveniently go to the same school, generally live in the same area and play in the same parks and shop at the same convenience shops.

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I don’t like this theme of convenience, however, I accept its presence and its important role in making friends. I never would have met these people if it wasn’t convenient. Obviously, convenience is only half the battle. We don’t make friends with every person it is convenient to be friends with, because we may not spark well with them, and because being friends with everyone would be inconvenient!

I do know that in school and work settings the convenience factor was huge, and it meant that putting in much effort outside of work or school wasn’t completely necessary. For that reason many of those friendships didn’t last past the end date of the study or employment. It is almost like, in those settings; we often don’t realise the lack of effort we put in until it’s over, and because the pattern was lack of effort, it can be easy to stay true to that.

That is where I start to feel sad when it comes to the convenience factor in friendships, because I start to realise what a huge role it really plays in our lives and how it impacts the roles of certain important people in it. I can recall some instances when a friendship became too inconvenient for me to keep it going, and the effort to maintain it outweighed the rewards of doing so. In those situations it felt only natural and logical to let the friendship end through lack of effort then blame circumstance over choice. I did have a choice though, didn’t I? I made it, and I justified it. We all do.

I can’t say I am too happy when I find myself on the receiving end of this treatment from others. This is especially true if the other person made the changes and they were outside of my control. If they left the job for example, and I didn’t, why should I be the one to make the effort to keep in touch? If they wanted to, they would, right? (Wrong!) Too many friendships are lost by this train of thought. Really, the person who made changes probably has more stuff going on and less time to reach out, so you probably should make more effort, not less. Or even some effort at all. What have you done to show your friend you still want them in your life? (I didn’t ask what they had done, but what YOU had. We can only control ourselves remember.)

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Except if both people have the same attitude.. where does that leave you?? (see next meme) 

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Someone has to make the effort first, right? 

When my closest friend moved away I was unprepared for the changes it brought to our friendship, because suddenly I was less convenient for her than I had been before. It hurts, I won’t lie. I took it pretty personally. I never stopped to consider just how big a factor “convenience” was in our friendship, and it was an ugly feeling that I allowed to take away from a beautiful feeling of friendship that had existed before. Logically speaking, of course it was convenient, that is how friendships are born; where the seeds are planted. Emotionally though, I thought our connection was based on so much more, I believed it was deep enough that nothing as small as convenience would stand in its way. Convenience; I underestimated you!

I am sure my friend doesn’t mean to pull way, and she would likely blame it on circumstance that we have drifted apart somewhat. And she’d be annoyingly right about that…. Still….we both have a choice, don’t we? We can allow circumstance to make our friendship inconvenient, and let it fade because neither of us “has time” to put in the effort, or we can make the effort anyway, and work patiently with whatever reserves of convenience are left, (however small) and find other ways to reach out.

My friend would also probably point out that I have not really put much effort into this friendship since she moved away either, and she’d be annoyingly right about that too. She was the one who made the changes, and I do my best to fit in with her when she can offer me some of her time, however I almost never reach out to her myself anymore. I justify this by claiming she is always so busy, it feels like rejection when she can’t respond to my messages let alone meet up, and also that I don’t want to bother her or pressure her to hang out. I want her to want this as much as I do, based on the emotional connection we share, regardless of convenience.

It’s a valid point, and so is her busy lifestyle as a justification, but that doesn’t make “no effort”  the choice I want to make. She is important to me and my actions should be a reflection of this. They haven’t really been to be honest. Instead of writing this blog, what I should be doing right now is making an effort to keep in touch with my friend and show her I am thinking of her. I can’t make all the effort. I can’t make this friendship work on my own, but as I write this I realise; neither can she. It takes 2 to make it work and it is high time I started putting in some effort where I didn’t have to before, or convenience will be the death of us, and that will have been just as much my choice as hers.

Take responsibility for your choices ladies, and make sure your actions represent your values. If you value your friendship, what have you done to show it? If convenience is still the death of your friendship, at least you will be able to look back and know it wasn’t your choice, and accept that perhaps she never acknowledged it was a choice at all.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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......Or for me? 

For better or for worse.... 11 ways social media is impacting the quality of your friendships!

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Yay! Finally! Be my friend? Please?!!! hehe 

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When everyone is "too busy" to hang out but you see them all on social media.... 

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No. Just. No!!!!

Anyone else have a crazy cat lady in their lives?!

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Social media does help my friends and I stay in touch with current events, each other and does provide many laughs indeed!

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Who's selfie do you think this is?  I'm going with the cat... 

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ok, who gets 513 messages? I'm obviously very unpopular if this is normal! haha

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Come on now, it IS true?! 

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Thumbs up or thumbs down?! 

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Is this like the internet version of conversations in interpretive dance? Lol 

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I mean, you probably shouldn't, but you can. Better for one and worse for the other! 

Social media has it's well earned place in our lives and I would never deny you your guilty pleasure. That said, if you keep showing up in real life, you shouldn't find yourself being deleted online. Equally if your friends keep showing up for you in real time then you shouldn't find yourself obsessively stalking them on social media. Keep it real people, keep it real!

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Relationships versus Friendships; I "divorced" my bridesmaid!

Let’s talk about our relationships with men!

At the risk of sounding like a man hating lesbian..... (I'm neither a lesbian nor a man hater, honestly!) So. Many. of my female friendships have been damaged by men! Ok, technically it isn’t his fault, it is how the woman in the scenario handles herself after she begins a relationship with him. (Assuming she is hetero. Same applies if she isn't but it didn't fit my funny man hater bit! Lol)  Is there such a thing as a woman hating lesbian I wonder?! Lol

When women are single, they need their friends. Their friends support them, entertain them, love and guide them. Their women friends are the ones they turn to if a relationship fails, and usually the first ones they turn from if it succeeds.

Ok, ok. I get it. She is IN LOVE! Or maybe she’s just in LUST, but even so, that is an exciting feeling her platonic partners just can’t spark in her. Fair enough. Most of us have experienced this overwhelming magnetic pull to our lover (regardless of gender) and have probably given in to the temptation to skip plans with our friends, or just decline or avoid making them in favour of spending time being all loved up with that special someone. It is probably some primitive instinct and as such will be hard to fight.

If you are friends with a single woman, or if you are both single, it’s probably a good idea to discuss your values about family and relationships. It may give you an indicator of what level of friendship you can expect from her if and when she (or you) meets a romantic partner in the future. While this conversation should point at where she expects her values to lie, always remember that it may well depend on the person she meets and his situation too. (My polite way of saying she may meet a loser! haha) 

A woman may tell you before she meets someone that she would never ditch her friends when she gets into a relationship and she doesn’t understand women who do, however she may then go on to meet a possessive partner who makes it difficult for her to enjoy her friends. She may meet someone who doesn’t realise you aren’t HIS (or HER) friend and always expects to be invited along. She may meet an individual with an extensive family life that keeps her so busy that she simply has less time to offer. Or she may simply like them so much more than she ever thought possible and suffer a borderline addiction to them. Either way this new romance is going to consume her and A LOT of her time.

It is for this reason I also suggest you look closely at how much of her time you currently occupy. If your contact with each other is quite frequent, it stands to reason she is going to have to reduce that time to make room for someone else. Or if you typically have movie night on typical date nights, such as over the weekends, that's reasonably unlikely to continue. The closer you are, the likelier it is that you spend more time together; which makes the blow that much harder when you are the first person who hits the proverbial chopping block as soon as a romance comes along for her.

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Another thing to be mindful of is her past behaviour. A woman may even directly tell you “In the past I ditched my friends in favour of my partner and I will never make that mistake again.” Maybe she wont, but I’d be cautious as it tells you something about her values in relationships. Even if she doesn’t directly tell you, if you ask about her previous friends and what happened to them, if her answers are vague such as “we just kinda drifted apart after I met (insert name of ex-partner here)…” That also tells you that she was happy to let the friendship fade out of her life once she was in a relationship. For a divorced woman who is no longer in contact with her (ex?)bridesmaid, it is an even bigger red flag! I say that as someone who is not divorced from her husband, but is “divorced” I suppose you could say, to a bridesmaid! Red Flag! Haha

Was our split directly related to my husband? No. Not directly. That said; romance did indeed drive a wedge between us after she got married herself. My friend’s husband was a tradie, so he came home in the afternoons about 2pm. My friend HAD to be home to greet him. I doubt this was his demand, but more so, I guess, that she wanted to be home to greet him! (shock horror?! lol) He worked Saturday mornings too, til around 1pm. My own husband works shift work, 12 hours at a time, and every second weekend.

My friend and I had both welcomed a firstborn into the world, and equally struggled with the adjustment this makes to your life, your time and your identity, not to mention your friendships.  Due to the year age difference in our kids, early on at least, catch up’s during the day became a logistical nightmare, as each child was a “home napper” and because they didn’t nap at the same times, we were not available to be in the same place at the same time. Our weekly catch up’s soon became fortnightly and then monthly. (Depending on how often one of us was prepared to sacrifice nap time. For new mums this is a BIG deal! Seriously! Lol) Eventually she disclosed that she was feeling isolated and in an effort to be there for her more, I offered to come and visit her (a 45 minute drive away) when her husband was at work on a Saturday morning, on a fortnightly basis when my husband was home to watch our son. She agreed to this and it went well for a while…. Until her husband stopped working Saturdays, or started finishing earlier and earlier….

My friend refused to make herself available to me any time her husband was available to her. (Despite me sacrificing time with mine to be there for her every fortnight!)  She would make a concession for a birthday or some other important event, but not just for some quality time. If she was going to be away from him, there needed to be an important reason behind it. This started to grate on me, and I addressed the issue with her. She basically told me, almost in these exact words; that I was jealous, and  I clearly didn’t love my husband as much as she loved hers because I was prepared to leave him at home with my son to visit her when she wanted to spend every moment possible with her husband. (Also that I was in love with her, but that is another topic all together... and for the record I am (and so are my other non straight counterparts) sick of the accusation straight ladies! Just because I value you and enjoy your company enough to prioritise it on a regular basis; it means I love you! It does NOT mean I am in love with you! Ok? And even if I am, aside from it being really cruel to then throw it in my face, why does it only become a problem when you are romantically engaged elsewhere and I still want some of your time and attention? Think about it! It's unfair to use my identity against me (only) when it suits you. And it hurts! And it doesn't embarrass me nearly as much as your ego is embarrassing you! Anyway, I digress...) 

I took this accusation of loving my husband "less" pretty hard, and the friendship didn’t survive. What I came to learn as more and more of my single friends paired up though, is that this is considered NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE behaviour. It is still not something I understand. My husband and I are TWO people, not one, and we each have a life and interests outside of the other. My husband knew when he met me that I was a social creature, and this is part of what I need to make me happy. I understand that he has a higher need for alone time and so our arrangement works for us. (I would still do it even if he didn't like it because I am my own person before I am his wife or anything else!) I certainly wouldn’t say I love my husband LESS because I spend time socialising without him, I would say I love him MORE because he gets it, and he knows how much time I do choose to give him too. 

Alas, I am not in the majority. The experts advise (I may have offered the same advice myself actually) that you should seek friends in similar circumstances to yourself. There is some merit to it. If you are single, then singe friends will have the time and energy to give you a more fulfilling friendship than a married person, because they have the same free time and similar needs as you. The thing is, single women don’t stay that way forever… usually. It also means making friends with married women, the same as I am, is near impossible because nobody wants to go out for an evening if her husband is home, and if he isn’t, who will watch the kids? Yes, I have made friends with other partnered women who also don’t work or work from home or shift work etc… and yes I am a proud “lady who lunches” however it is still limiting. I can’t help but feel restricted in these friendships because I know it is largely based on convenience and the moment I am no longer convenient I can say my goodbyes. (Post on "convenient friendships" coming soon!) 

I value the friends, who I know will be there for me occasionally, for no good reason other than a fun day or night out, even if her partner is home. The ones who want to get away from him (or her!) for a moment and have a platonic girls night out. The ones who even suggest it sometimes! I have accepted that most of the time a woman wants to spend her time building her life with her romantic partner, and I do try not to burden my friends by asking them for time they believe is rightfully their significant other's.  Still, how nice would it be to feel your company was not a burden even if it isn’t as convenient as it used to be?

For the ladies in relationships; make a point to still spend time with your friends when your partner is home. Please? It doesn’t have to be often, but the gesture will not go unnoticed and it helps your friend (especially if she is single) feel important to you, and helps her be more understanding that you have less free time for her but will offer her some of it!

For the single ladies, or the married ones who share values similar to my own; recognise that your friend means no harm. She does not question this behaviour; her values tell her this is normal, and it IS what she wants. It makes her happy. HE (or SHE) makes your friend happy. Try to be supportive of the relationship (maybe even spend time with them both together?) and be grateful of any time your friend offers you even if it is when her partner is unavailable. After all - it must mean something that you are still the first person she thinks of when she has some free time? And remember it isn’t personal! It's not! It is about him, and her, and their combined situation and relationship values. Just because yours are different to hers, doesn’t make somebody wrong!

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For everyone; Have friends you like, regardless of gender or relationship status, and make time for them regardless, yeah?  This post is called Relationships versus Friendships, but how about we stop making it a competition? Each have their place and value. There must be room for both to co-exist peacefully? If not, make some room. It's really that simple. We all have to share! :) 

❤❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever

xx

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5 simple steps to become a better friend; to yourself!

Step 1: Set aside at least half an hour a day, (or a week if that is more realistic) to spend completely on your own if you can. If you can’t do that, try getting half an hour before the other people in your house wake up or after they go to sleep. This is not a time for screens or other forms of entertainment. This is a time for quiet reflection; a time for you to actually hear your own thoughts and become comfortable with the silence. If you can’t stay still, use this time to take a walk, or do some yoga; your mental and physical health will thank you for it. 

Image by Lena Bell

Step 2: Take yourself on dates; If you’re uncomfortable at first go out for coffee or cake (or both?!)  or whatever other small treats you enjoy. Work up to lunch or a movie, or even both, all by yourself. There’s no need to miss out if you have no plus one. You are a whole number on your own!!!! Pamper yourself. Take yourself for a massage or facial, or to get your nails done. If the budget allows it take yourself to a hotel for the night, order room service and massages and read magazines, listen to music and enjoy your favourite cocktail or a sundae in the spa. Sleep in!!! If the budget is a bit smaller, spend a night in your home alone, eat your favourite snacks, have a bath with candles, watch DVD’s or trashy television and give yourself a little makeover. You are worth it.

Image by Nomao Saeki

Step 3: At least twice a week take the time to ask yourself – “what has been going on with you, and how have you been feeling about it?” Take the time to journal your answers.
Practice forgiveness with yourself first and foremost. Instead of being critical, change that self-talk to “I forgive you because I love you, we all make mistakes.” If you wouldn’t say it about a friend and wouldn’t like them to say it to you, don’t say it to yourself. Ever! Stay honestly connected to yourself. This may be the most important one!

Image by Aaron Burden

Step 4: Set SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time- based) goals for yourself and help yourself achieve them. Remember that you and you alone can achieve your goals. Celebrate your successes (be proud of your achievements) and be accountable and forgiving of any setbacks. Do not make excuses. Make time or make excuses, the choice is yours. So is the outcome! "Future you" will thank "current you" for the effort.  Make one small step towards your goals every day if you can or at least every week. Check and journal your progress and any ideas you have to help further yourself.

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Step 5: Say no to others whenever you want to, without justifying or over explaining. No is a complete sentence. Say yes to yourself as often as you can, but only if the "yes" brings you further towards your goals and not away from them. In that case saying no to yourself is equally as important as saying no to others!

Image by Andy Tootell

It’s all about balance. Spend as much time alone as you need to without feeling lonely and as much time with others as you need to without feeling drained. Too much of either one can become addictive, and a way to avoid yourself or others. We may be so busy that we crave time alone, yet feel uncomfortable with the silence. Alternatively we may spend so much time alone that we crave company, however don’t know how to seek it or let social anxiety ruin it.

The idea is that you get comfortable spending time on your own so you aren’t let down when people cancel, decline or are too busy for you. Assuming you already know and accept it isn’t about you personally; there is no need for dwelling or negative self-talk. It can be an opportunity to spend some time catching up with yourself, and enjoy whatever it is you love, all on your own. It will probably help you be a better, more forgiving, understanding and patient friend to others too. Think of it this way; if you don't enjoy your own company, who will? And if you like yourself, others will take your word for it and follow suit.

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Morgan Sessions

Don't be a ghost or a zombie in your friendships.

The term “Ghosting” is starting to pop up more and more in casual conversation. Ghosting is usually used in context to dating and romantic relationships and is generally a term used by women to describe the lack of a break up conversation or closure from the person she was dating...(who she may or may not still be dating.....) She doesn’t actually know because the other party won’t say. Most often they won’t confirm or deny it, they just won’t say anything at all.  

Women are outraged when men use this technique to end things with them. Not only are they outraged, they are often hurt, anxious, confused, and full of self doubt and worry as a result of this treatment. They are quick to call the perpetrator of such an act gutless, among other unspeakable derogatory terms!

The thing is, women are shocked when men (or women for those of us that way inclined) use this tactic, and are kinda unsure how to handle it. The term ghosting has appeared in pop-culture as though this is a new phenomenon….. It isn’t.

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Perhaps our male counterparts are just catching on, but the fact is that women have been using ghosting against one another, (and against men too) for probably as long as humans have existed! Men are simply using our own weapon against us! While this is NOT a good thing; the good thing about it is that it brings the concept into conversation. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge....

As women are notoriously good at avoiding confrontation, it shouldn’t come as a big surprise that we are the ones who started this! Maybe men have watched us do this to each other, and decided it is effective! Have we taught them that saying nothing at all is kinder than saying a painful goodbye? That hearing nothing hurts less than hearing a hard truth? Does it? 

When women hurt, we use silence as a weapon. The best indicator of a female friend split is when the 2 women are not talking to each other. It is often unclear who stopped talking to who (or why,) leaving one or sometimes even both parties with more questions than answers. The reason we don’t ask of course, is because we are afraid of the answers. The truth hurts sometimes. It is just as hard to speak it as it is to hear it. So we do neither. Naturally?!....

Women in particular have been taught that a lady is “nice and friendly” at all costs. We have all heard the expression “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all?!” Well that is exactly what women do, because there is nothing nice or friendly about breaking up with a friend. It is unfriendly in nature; that’s the whole point. Essentially this teaching means we don’t say anything at all - because it reflects badly on us as ladies if we do?! It's a bit ridiculous when you think about it, right? I mean it still stands true that "actions speak louder than words" and our silence will hurt more than any words spoken ever could. Why does this choice not reflect badly on us?

How we think that silence and avoidance is somehow better than a clear and simple ending, I don’t know. Not giving someone an answer or closure is pretty unkind and unfriendly. We have no problem being unfriendly,  we just don't want to say anything unfriendly. So we leave the words unspoken... It’s evil genius really! Lol

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Ghosting not only removes the power from the person on the receiving end, and leaves them questioning and doubting themselves and their worth; it also doesn’t give the person being ghosted enough credit for their maturity and ability to hear/handle the truth and move on accordingly. Even if a person can’t handle the truth, that’s likely because they have never had to hear it before?! Is it your place to tell them? Maybe not. I think you need to tell them something though, like the fact that you wish to be free of them perhaps? How much you should tell them about your reasons possibly gets a bit unclear... 

One thing is clear though; we are right when we say ghosting is gutless. Let’s have the courage of our convictions ladies??! If you have something to say to someone – say it. Making them guess is less kind than we allow ourselves to imagine until we experience it for ourselves. Mean what you say and say what you mean. (Do not be MEAN!)

One of the reasons we avoid confrontation is fearing the response or the consequences. How someone reacts to you ending things with them is a reflection of themselves, not of you. If you have been clear that you want space or for things to end, you are entitled not to respond to them further after that. It doesn’t have to be a conversation. They don’t have to agree with you. You can only control yourself. (If you can do that, you are already ahead of the game! Lol) 

Let go of the idea that one unkind word/gesture defines you. It doesn't. 

Speaking your truth means holding on to your power; not taking it away from someone else. The words may be hard to say, and hurtful to hear, but goodbye is just one word, and at least it is clear!

Remember you don’t need to explain yourself, justify yourself or blame your friend. You can simply say that you are not interested in continuing the friendship for personal reasons (whatever your reasons are – they are personal) but that you respected the person and her friendship enough to at least say goodbye and wish her well?

The other main reason we avoid endings is because it leaves our options open in the future to come back into a person's life. The newest term for this is "Zombie-ing." It's not a pretty reflection at all...

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Don't do it. Just don't. Let's stop this now before it becomes a zombie apocalypse? Lol :/

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Image by Steiner La Engeland

Women SUCK at breaking up…. With each other! How to do better!

Ok, so as a person who has encountered both romantic and platonic endings with women, I find myself in a unique position to compare the 2 experiences. the main differences I see between a romantic relationship and a platonic friendship are: the lack of sex and the lack of honest endings!

In a romantic setting, it is fairly well accepted that there is a level of monogamy that is expected in the partnership, and should you wish to explore your other options, an ending of your current relationship will be required. While I, and many women like me, will go to great lengths to avoid nasty confrontations with people of either gender, this particular type of confrontation is expected, anticipated and endured for the greater good of everyone involved. Now, that is not meant to indicate that ghosting and a lack of ending/closure never happens in a romantic setting, because indeed it does and it’s becoming more frequent! (Post on Ghosting to come.)

In a platonic setting, it is widely accepted that while loyalty is expected to some degree, monogamy is not. Most of us have more than one friend and hopefully continue making more as life takes us on new paths. So this means technically we are always free to explore new beginnings without ending the relationships that already exist. Not only does this mean we enter platonic friendships without the expectation that they will need to officially end at some point, it also means we often don’t feel it is necessary to end them at all. That said, they do indeed end.

In a romantic setting, the breakup is unpleasant, however not particularly unexpected as in most cases, we can probably see that the relationship has been struggling. Regardless of if a person was the “dumper” or the “dumpee” in a romantic relationship, after some time both parties usually come to a place of relief about the ending, and both parties understand and respect that the relationship is no longer. (Usually!! I said usually people!! Lol) Sure, sometimes people simply downgrade the relationship to a more platonic level (or at least promises of friendship are made….note to self, write a post on friendships with the ex.) When these downgrades happen however, we acknowledge it verbally. This is not the case when the original context of the relationship was platonic.

When the original context of the relationship was friendship, a breakup often blindsides one party completely and they may have not seen any signs that the relationship was in trouble. Of course, this depends on the exit strategy of the “dumper.” If the woman who wants to end the friendship chooses what I refer to as “the slow fade out method” then it is less of a surprise to the dumpee when the relationship eventually stops altogether.  The slow fade out involves less frequent contact, less invitations, (or more group invitations and less one on one invitations,) and the dumper becomes basically the busiest person on the planet… (To avoid you and your friendship. Ouch.) This method is effective in a few ways, being that it is usually the person being dumped who technically ends the friendship; either through confrontation or a gradual acceptance and a lack of effort to keep the friendship alive. Effectively the dumper may even come off as the “victim” in this scenario at worst, and at best avoids accountability for the break up. She never directly tells you the friendship is over, she lets you decide that on your own. Her conscience is clear. It shouldn’t be, but it is! It also has the added benefit for the  dumper that because she never officially ended it, her options remain open to resurrecting the friendship at a later stage if she wants to, no questions asked.... 

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In the dumper's defence (and I have been her) the woman who uses the slow fade out may not have consciously decided she wants the friendship to be over. (However; when confronted, she really needs to decide if this is the case.) It is possible that she simply met someone else – usually a romantic partner (although by no means always,) with whom she prefers to spend her time. She may have suddenly experienced a life change and found herself with less time for any of her friendships due to new responsibilities. She may be experiencing mental health issues and generally withdrawing from everyone in her life. Or, yes, she may have decided to label you as “toxic” and is consciously ending the friendship.

Some psychologists actively encourage this method for ending friendships. If you do a quick Google search of it; you will find women asking for advice on how to end friendships and being told by the experts to 'be busy and dilute the friendship with other people, initiating longer time between contact, lack of intimate conversation and avoidance in general.' While this may indeed be sound advice for the dumper, it does not take into consideration the feelings of the dumpee. In my experience the slow fade out is the worst exit. (As the dumpee that is…) You can feel it coming and it’s like pure torture trying to reconcile your feelings about it in relation to what you thought was a healthy happy friendship. It can leave a person questioning themselves, reliving conversations and looking for clues and ways to blame themselves, while being equally worried about the person who is effectively dumping them. (Interestingly; the dumper is not worried about the dumpee at all, or even believes she is being kinder this way.) This is enough to drive a person crazy, not to mention the insanity the dumpee feels if she tries to address this fading out with the dumper. The fade out is denied, brushed off and swept away by the word busy, and the dumpee is left questioning if she is imagining this, if her expectations are too high, if she is being needy etc…. It’s really cruel. Much crueller than just telling her “Yeah, I need some space from you right now…” Those words will hurt, but at least they are clear and confirm that the person can trust her intuition. Removing a person’s ability to trust her intuition and altering her reality to suit yourself is like psychological torture. It’s essentially “gaslighting” and we do it to each other all the time?! It’s not cool ladies, let’s stop!

So what are the alternatives? The most common alternative to the slow fade out method is "ghosting" - whereby the dumper abruptly stops responding to any contact from the dumpee. All calls, texts, emails, letters and visits are received by a stone cold wall of silence. This may be followed by (or even instigated with) an unfriending on social media. Ghosting deserves a whole post of its own. For the purpose of this article let’s sum it up like this:

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The problem with these methods is that they are dishonest and allow the dumper to avoid the discomfort of holding herself accountable for the hurt she is causing the dumpee, and denying her closure. Why are more experts not telling women facing friendship issues to say to their friends “I just can’t be the friend you need right now.” Why not encourage us to be honest, and face the fact that yes, our decision is hurting someone? (And that this doesn’t make us terrible people?!!! It happens.)

My advice? Use these methods if you must, (maybe she feels the same way and the friendship will die a mutual unspoken death) but if the dumpee confronts you about it; own up. Be honest and kind; keeping in mind she will remember your words for a very long time, and that you once considered this person a friend. I know it sounds like an oxymoron to be kind when breaking up with someone, but it is possible. (Example: “You’re right that I haven’t been giving you the time and attention you need. I guess I just can’t be the friend that I was, the friend that you need right now. Sorry to let you down, but I don’t see this changing anytime soon. I have enjoyed our friendship and I do hope you can find someone else who can meet your needs.” No excuses, no justifications, no blame.) Even if the dumpee is still devastated, (and she will be,) she will get over it much quicker than if you deny her the grieving process altogether by denying your exit or not acknowledging it at all. Sure, maybe you think she deserves it, but you want to look back and feel that you handled it in a way you are happy with. You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control yours.

Have I always followed this advice? No, and that’s how I know it is sound advice!! I have experienced slow fade outs, ghosting and some nasty unkind confrontations full of blame and justifications and basically poisonous word vomit. I have been the dumpee and the dumper in all situations.  I know our intentions are for the most part kind, (I said for the most part! Lol) or even unconscious or reactional, but if we have enough integrity to be clear and upfront when ending a romantic relationship, don’t our friendships deserve the same respect?

Breaking up with someone IS unkind, but YOU don’t have to be. Think about it. Let’s do better?

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves!

You are probably familiar with the expression “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” The well-meaning slogan represents the importance that friendships hold, and the fact that we hold our friends close to our hearts - as close as our nearest and dearest family.

However, that is not always the case. Countless studies have found that friendships consistently rank among the lowest priorities in people’s busy lives and family pretty consistently rank the highest.  In which case I beg to differ. Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves. They are NOT family!

Friends can be the extra layer of support we need, because at times we can tell a friend things we don’t feel able or ready to disclose to family yet. Why is this? Because a friend isn’t as invested in the outcomes of our lives as family is. (To be fair our parents gave up a lot of themselves to have us, so their investment and inability to see us fully as a separate people to them is understandable… sorry mum! Lol She would  point out that we also never really see our parents as people separate to us either. Touché. haha) Friends love us with a degree of separation that allows them to be happy for us (instead of worrying for example that we are rushing into something, taking on too much responsibility or too much financial risk/spending, or stand to get considerably hurt etc…)
Similarly; friends can support us when things do inevitably go wrong; without being significantly impacted by our circumstances. For the most part, their lives go on as normal when things do go wrong for us, while we tend to lean more heavily on family for any housing, caring, financial or medical supports we find ourselves requiring.

Family are more invested and more impacted by our choices, and as such we are heavily influenced by their feelings, thoughts and opinions of our lives. Family love is the strongest (in most cases,) but also the most constricting. Family is a love you are born into, or brought into - usually without any choice in the matter yourself! It isn’t about you specifically.  It exists, and with it exists a sense of duty, obligation, and pressure.

Yes our family love us – but sometimes it feels as though they love us because they have to, not because they would have loved us or chosen us anyway under different circumstances. They love you, but it doesn’t always mean that they like you. It is the most unconditional form of love, yes, but somehow it doesn’t always feel unconditional. It is easy for our identity to become enmeshed with the family, and we can lose sight of who we are and what we want - in favour of who they think we should be and what they want for us. And that’s just the family you are born into or raised with…. Then comes the family you make for yourself with your own children, partner and in-laws for example. During a recent parenting workshop I attended, I was told this:

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No Pressure?! Lol

To the world you are a mother, but to your family you are the world? The world? The whole world?? Yeah… No pressure, right?  Which brings me to the next point about friends NOT being family. There are no set rules or roles for a friendship. No beginnings, no formal acknowledgements or ceremonies and certificates, no endings, no legalities and no standard guidelines on how to be a "good friend." (No workshops! Lol) No real pressure. Being a "good friend," it would seem, depends entirely on the definition of such from the person you are good friends with! While one of my friends describes her ideal best friends as “other nice mums where we do things for each other such as babysitting and going for coffee” another describes her ideal best friend as “someone I can really talk to, who listens and keeps my confidences, who understands me, doesn’t judge me and also shares her secrets and worries with me.”

How people define what makes a good friend is likely to depend on their circumstances. A very busy person is likely to value someone who doesn’t require much time and attention, whereas someone who has more free time will value friends who have more time to spare. A person with a good family support network will probably not expect as much physical support from friends such as babysitting or transport for example, and may become easily overwhelmed by a person who doesn’t have that strong family support and therefore searches to have those needs met in friendships.

Friendships are essentially relationships of convenience, and what we value in a friend will usually reflect what we can reasonably expect to give or ask for ourselves.  In family relationships we expect to give and receive much more regardless of the inconvenience it may present.

Just because friendships are relationships of convenience though, does not mean they are never inconvenient! That said, unlike family ties, you can easily choose to exit old relationships and make newer ones anytime you like, there is not an expectation that you have to 'make it work' or that you are “stuck” dealing with these people for life. Not many people will question you or hold you accountable for ending a friendship, however you choose to do it. Ending a familial relationship is a much heavier decision and will come with some societal judgements.

What a double edged sword is the optional nature of friendships! While it hurts when friendships do end, and often comes as somewhat of an unexpected blow to at least one party, the fact that friendships are optional extras is exactly part of their appeal. We are not playing an expected 'role' in a friendship. These are the relationships where we really explore who we are as individuals outside of the family. We can push boundaries and make mistakes and explore our personal values through trial and error. These are the relationships that truly help us discover ourselves. Where we perfect the reflection we see of ourselves – our self-image. If we change, we can change the friends around us to suit! We are not expected to stay the same forever and that offers a unique freedom. As our friends like, love and respect us, we learn to like, love and respect ourselves. Friendships are pivotal to our self-esteem and self-worth. Powerful.

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Friendships are the most validating relationships in my opinion. Friends are people who love us, just because they do. Because they value us, they like us, they enjoy our company for no reason at all apart from seeing our value as good people. They don’t HAVE to, they just do! Most of the time they don’t get anything out of it either, they just like us. Even in romantic relationships, physical intimacy of some degree is usually given or expected in return for the relationship and the validation, not to mention lifestyle, it offers as a result. It’s still somewhat "transactional" at its core. (spell check is telling me to stop making up words! Lol)   In a relationship we have to make certain sacrifices to become a ‘we” and let go of being “just me.” This is not so in friendships. Friends validate us in a way family can’t. Family relationships contain pressure, you want to win their approval, or expect them to consider yours. In friendships you already have approval, just as you are, just because you are awesome already. And you are!

As I transitioned into motherhood myself at 26, I felt ready and mature enough to handle this. Ha! I started to notice pretty quickly though, how irrelevant my identity had become. Instead of asking me how I was, people asked how my son was. I almost never talked about anything other than him, although I wanted to, the opportunities were small.  It had become my sole purpose in life to take care of somebody else, and I felt so guilty for the longing I had to be away from the role and to just be myself. (Post on how babies affect friendships to come!) Family is full of responsibility and the things we have to do. Friendships are what nurture our soul and where we get some choice in what we WANT to do.  

Something I really learned when I had children of my own, is that when it comes to family; you play a role - often many at once. In friendships; the only role you play is yourself. That is the true beauty in friendships. I am never more myself (and just myself – not a wife or a mother or a daughter) than when I am with my friends. While I am always all of those things, my friends don’t care if I am any of them. They don’t mind how successful I am, how rich or poor, or messy or neat, or if I parent in the same way as them. They care if I am happy, and happy for them.  The parenting workshop I mentioned earlier also states children need adults to “delight in them.” Well, adults need that too, and that is where friendships come in. My friends are the people that delight in me, and I certainly delight in them.

Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves. They are not Family. That’s the whole wonderful point! Do you agree? 

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Friendship is a choice and you were chosen! :) 

Are your friendships exclusive or inclusive? Can they be both at the same time?

We humans are social creatures, and a sense of belonging is important to our self-esteem. Nothing says belonging more than belonging to a group friendship. The general idea of a group friendship is that all parties feel close, welcome and equal, and included; however experience has taught me that this is rarely the case.

I should probably mention that I prefer one on one friendships. I enjoy the intimacy and trust they foster, allowing you to really share and listen to each other and be fully present. As someone who falls more on the introvert end of the spectrum, I find group gatherings exhausting and often leave feeling like I saw everyone, yet spoke to no one! It makes very little difference if the gathering was my own or someone else’s. In group situations I usually find I am talked over, frequently interrupted or easily dismissed mid-sentence when distractions occur, which often happens in group settings. This is especially true if alcohol is added into the mix. To be fair you often can’t hear what anyone says over the music anyway! Lol

My friends are good people and I enjoy each of them individually, yet somehow in a group setting the imbalances seem more obvious. We do all feel close, yet it is obvious some pairings are closer than others and I almost always find there is a “leader” of the group; which kinda instantly detracts from the equality that supposedly exists, don’t you think?

The good aspects of group friendships and gatherings is that everyone generally has a lighter time, and feels included. We all enjoy feeling popular with others, and a group setting is very conducive to this. Perhaps you are only popular with the 4 people in the group, but most of us prefer that to feeling unpopular and alone. (Even though I often feel somewhat invisible to an extent in a group setting, it is true to say I still like to be invited and do enjoy these gatherings on an infrequent basis.)

Group friendships often originate in group settings, such as school or work, giving the members of the group instantly something in common. By the time you reach your mid 30’s, if you get together with a group of existing friends, the chances are most of you don’t actually have too much in common anymore. In my own group of friends there are religious women, and atheists; Married women, unmarried but partnered women, and single women; Parents and the childless by circumstance or choice; Women who work and those who stay home; Bigger women and smaller women; Women who drink and those who are in recovery from alcohol addiction; Straight, gay and bisexual women; Women who like to dance the night away and women who prefer a movie and a quiet dinner…. The list goes on…. I can more easily list the things we don’t have in common than the things we do, that much is clear.

Because of these differences, you have to manage your conversation topics carefully in this environment. You must to be aware that something a friend has discussed with you may not have been discussed with the other women there; While also laughing along with it if personal disclosures are made to the group when you had hoped to keep the information private! This requires everyone in the group to trust the good intentions of the others, and manage any jealousy that may arise when it is obvious that two or more people there are closer to one another than either of them is to you.

Friend poaching can also become an issue. As mentioned earlier, in some group friendships there is an obvious leader of the group. While the other members do like one another, what they really have in common is their friendship with said leader; and the boundaries can become unclear. Is it okay for us to friend each other on social media? Are we allowed to see other members of the group without the leader being present? Can we actually call the other members our friends? While the leader cannot really directly forbid this, she usually wont encourage it. Many a time the leader has found herself excluded from her own exclusive group by initiating a group friendship to begin with. The changing dynamics of group friendships are one of the good things about them, but that can be a double edged sword if your friends actually do genuinely make a strong connection with each other. This is an especially risky manoeuvre if there are only three of you in the group. If you successfully pull this off, and it stays the three of you, it almost always has a tendency to feel like two plus one, even if the position of the third wheel is interchangeable. This is a recipe for resentment, and trouble.

In my experience of group friendships; there needs to be a certain level of expectation (or at least acceptance) that the other members of the group will discuss you behind your back, in both a positive and a negative light. Gossiping and oversharing of confidences are common place. It is also wise to keep a certain level of awareness that if you have a falling out with one of the group members, one of you will likely find yourself off the invite list pretty quickly. Nobody expects it to be them. Be prepared. Everything you do and say can and will be used against you in these circumstances! And you can forget about anybody keeping your secrets! This is especially true if the group has a level of exclusivity to it, like a clique. Acceptance feels grand, and people have been known to get a feeling similar to a drug induced high when feeling involved, included and accepted. However the higher you get, the further the fall! Even if you felt you were extremely close to certain members of the group, you can expect to find them distancing themselves in favour of popularity. There is strength in numbers. Remember, even the leader can find herself falling from grace! Nobody is immune.

Another issue I encountered as a member of a group friendship was the expectation (of mine) that I was an equal member. Finding out (by accident) that the group has been planning a girls weekend away without you (for example,) can leave you questioning your relationships with the group as a whole, the individuals themselves and with yourself!  It doesn’t much matter if the reasons were because of you personally or the group just voted in favour of inviting someone else who wasn’t your biggest fan….. If the group voted and you weren’t there, what else have you been missing? The trust is gone. Therefore so are the friendships. Watching the group carry on without you is extremely painful. Do everything you can to move on and not watch this.

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In my personal situation, after the “girls weekend thing” happened, the member I had known the longest had the audacity to question my loyalty. SHE questioned MY loyalty?!  (After planning a SECRET group trip with without me?!!) This happened after I discussed how hurt I was not be invited to a recent event in her home. (With the same people. Yeah… I should have seen it coming in hindsight… not the sharpest tool in the shed am I?) As she had actually told me in advance that the other event was happening and I was not invited, I guess she felt that not telling me about the next thing I was also not invited to was more convenient than dealing with the nuisance of my hurt feelings twice in a row. Unfortunately for her I found out anyway, and the rest is history… literally!!

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Could I have handled this better? Yes. Undoubtedly I could have. However bullying by exclusion is rife in group friendships and I refuse to have any part in it. Group friendships are exclusive, and perhaps that is my whole point!

I am not against group friendships in principal, however they should be open and inclusive not closed and exclusive. I also learned the hard way not to place all your friendship eggs exclusively in one group friendship basket. If all your friends form part of a group, you may want to nurture some friendships that are outside of it too. Not only does this allow you to grow as a person and explore people who the group would not usually associate with, it also means you won’t be totally lonely if you do find yourself excluded from the exclusive!

Do I have a group of friends? Yes. Do we associate as a group? No. Personally I intend to keep it that way. Once bitten twice shy. We live. We learn..... 

What have your experiences of group friendships been like? Please share! 

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Image by Suhyeon Choi