Reconciliations

My last post Not all friendships were created equal reminded me of another time where I found myself in a friendship, unknowingly, (or not, actually) of unequal importance….

We cannot talk about fractured friendships without talking about reconciliations, can we? Even if you feel far away from this stage, or it seems highly unlikely - the chances are you have at least given the concept some thought?

Could you reconcile? Do you even want to? Would you consider it if your friend approached you? Would you be brave enough to approach your friend? Is it too late? Has too much time passed? Are you even the same people anymore? Have you changed too much? Has she? Do you still have time for her in your life? What would you say? How would you react?

These are just some of the thoughts that might swirl around your head after a falling out with a friend. There is no time limit on how long these thoughts may last and no telling what may trigger them to pop up at any given moment. Also your answers to said questions may change from day to day, until you reach a more peaceful place about the situation.

As someone who has experienced my fair share of friendship endings, I also have some experiences with reconciliations. I wish I could say the ratio was equal, but that’s not quite true. There are friendships that have ended, which, at least for now, I feel should stay over. That is not because of the people involved particularly, rather because I feel peaceful about the situations as they are. When I hear a song that makes me think of them for example; I smile and enjoy the memory without feeling sad, or the need to reach out to that person. This is usually a pretty good indication that you are emotionally at peace with the ending of the friendship.

If constant thoughts of that person still plague you, or if you are still asking yourself the above reconciliation questions, then you probably don’t feel peaceful about the ending, and maybe reconciliation is possible because you are mentally open to it.

My most recent reconciliation was actually this year. I met and became good friends with someone in 2013, and we hit the ground running. We became fast friends and even faster enemies. By 2015 we were no longer on speaking terms.  How was it possible that it could nose dive so fast, or that it could impact me so profoundly when I had only known this person for 2 years at best? I think it is fair to say that the length of a friendship is not always relevant to the pain experienced at the ending of it.

This person and I didn’t speak for about 18 months – almost as long as we had even been friends?! Maybe because we were still in a position where we had to see one another most days, or maybe due to the intensity of our friendship (that helped it burn out,) I never reached a peaceful place about our ending. Milestones like birthdays passed, and I wondered if I should reach out, or if she would. I wondered if she wondered the same thing.  I don’t know how to explain it, except to say that it never felt over, despite the fact that we actually did discuss the ending and close that chapter, officially speaking. Still, the silence between us was so LOUD! 

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Around 8 months into our “fight” if you will, I went on an overseas holiday, and bought her a small trinket. I considered giving it to her as a peace offering perhaps. I saw it and it made me think of us and I took it as a sign from the universe that it was time for me to come forward and end this silence. Just after I got back from that trip, as if she also had some sort of sign, or epiphany, she began engaging me in small pleasantries. However instead of being happy about this, I wondered what it all meant? Were we friends again now? No mention of anything? I felt she couldn’t just start talking to me again as if nothing had ever happened. It felt like it was minimising both the importance of our friendship, and the pain we had each suffered at its fracture. Well, the pain I had suffered anyway. I assumed it was equally painful for her. It never occurred to me that she was talking to me again because it actually hadn’t been that painful for her and her indifferent conversation was a sign of her indifference towards me in general. This was a reality I would ruminate over for quite a while before I could swallow it! I put down my peace offering and put up more walls instead.  A curious reaction, I agree!

I think I actually hoped she was coming forward to apologise and end the fight, and in a way, letting me off the hook for an apology I was all but willing to make the week before. I remember discussing it with another friend and saying “I wonder if she will contact me?” I waited anxiously by the phone for her text or call, but all that followed were more of the same empty, small conversations of zero importance. I have never been one for small talk. She knew this. I tried not to engage her whenever I could avoid it.  Small things became more important than they needed to be, such as who ended a conversation when I was forced to politely engage her. I became disappointed, annoyed and curious at her lack of follow through on the personal friendship front.  I wondered if her empty conversations were hints that she was wanting me to come forward and apologise, that she was open to reconciliation.

I decided to go back to hating her and not speaking to her. That’s mature, isn’t it? We went on like this, her trying to be friendly, and me trying to continue the fight for another good 6 months. My feelings would not be invalidated by her indifference. What happened mattered to me, and if we weren’t going to discuss it then we weren’t going to be friends. I forgot all about the trinket I bought her and any thoughts of peace offerings….. Until I found the trinket again one day and remembered who I bought it for and why. By HUGE coincidence perhaps, right at the same moment Jason Donovan was playing on my MP3 player (don't judge me! haha this blog is called confessions for a reason! Lol) and the song was "Don't let your pride stop you from saying sorry, remember in time, there's 2 sides to every story...." If that's not a sign I don't know what is! 

Mulling over our friendship and the ending, I had to take responsibility. Regardless of what she did or said to me, it wasn’t without provocation from me. Accountability! (2 sides to every story) It dawned on me that the reason I had not yet reached a peaceful place about us was because I knew deep down I owed her an apology. I didn’t feel good about the way we left things. I wasn’t comfortable with the image of myself that I felt I had left her with. I was terrified, but I decided it was time to apologise.

I had no idea how she would react. I didn’t know how to steal a moment with her alone, as they always crept up on me by surprise. I started carrying that trinket around in my pocket so the next time she engaged me I could break the ice. When the time came, I was literally trembling and my voice was shaky. I couldn’t do it! I chickened out. What on earth was I so afraid of? Another rejection? Would she laugh in my face? Would she yell? Would she take it seriously or just fob me off with more small nothings?
I managed a more friendly engagement with her, but none of the things I planned to say escaped my mouth. The unspoken words mocked me....

At the end of that particular conversation, if you can picture this, I literally stood there making uncomfortable eye contact for an extra 10 seconds, (which felt way longer!) trying to will myself to say the words. She broke my silence, annoyed, with the words “Are you lost?” And I laughed and left very quickly. All the while scolding myself and being disappointed that I had not found the courage of my convictions. Again I was angry at her, for her harsh reaction, although to be fair, it was a strange uncomfortable encounter and she was right to end it! Lol. So instead I tried drafting her an email. Even then I couldn’t craft a letter I was happy with. My good intentions to apologise were quickly taken over by a need to justify my actions and blame her!! This was only going to add fuel to the fire and didn’t reflect well on me. I couldn't apologise because I still didn't fully understand what had happened between us.  I needed to forgive her, but more than that I needed to forgive myself. To do this I needed to understand. 

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In countless therapy sessions I worked on understanding what happened between us and my own responses, reasons and triggers. And when I understood that my need for her was related to the friendships I had lost before her it all started to make sense. I was in NEED of friends (meaning I was a needy friend) because I had lost some important core friendships. When I lost those friends, although I felt peaceful about it, my self-esteem and self-worth had taken a hard hit. I was in a hurry to fill the voids left in my life, hence the fast intensity between us. When our friendship fractured too, it confirmed my worst fears about myself, that I was unlovable, broken, damaged and not capable of social success or fulfilment. Destined to be alone?! Sigh. Cue the world’s smallest violin!! Haha Although it was only subconsciously, I had been aware of the unequal status between us all along and it was triggering me like crazy - all my insecurities and fears about self all spilling out - only adding to our problems and my neediness.

Knowing this, helped immensely. I was able to challenge these inner beliefs and realise that just because one person didn’t find me friendship material, did not reflect on me at all. I was able to explore the changes and circumstances she was facing and acknowledge that her behaviour was never about me to begin with. I was forced to acknowledge that her indifferent conversation was in fact surface level! It wasn’t a hint that she wanted more from me, it was a sign that she was over it, whatever it was. She had been more important to me than I had been to her.  Her indifference was just that – indifference, and I was only hurting myself by insisting on continuing this fight. It was still more important to me than it was to her.... but not for long. 

I began to feel a calmness spread over me, and it was such a relief. I believe this calm was my own indifference. I still felt I owed her an apology and I wanted her to have it, but I was no longer caught up in her response. The urgency had been removed. I did not need to validate myself through her forgiveness or justify myself anymore. I didn’t need to blame her or for her to acknowledge her wrongdoings and take back harsh words. I didn’t need us to be friends again, although I did like her, if she didn’t feel the same way then I wasn’t going to waste any more energy forcing it.

Shortly after this epiphany of my own, circumstances dictated that I needed to ask her for a favour. (She had indicated in one of our casual conversations when I mentioned being stuck on something that I should have asked her, although I found this strange, I therefore I knew she was open to helping me and in a position to do so if asked.) I tried to approach her in person, but the timing was wrong for her, and I missed the window of opportunity. Without any anxiety, I took out my phone and I sent her a text asking for her help, and saying I understood if she wasn’t interested in helping me, but that I thought I would ask and I would appreciate a reply.

When I hadn’t heard back from her 2 hours later I wasn’t worried. (In the not so distant past this would have been anxiety producing for me) I continued on with my day and prepared for a friend’s birthday lunch. I admit I did jump when a text came in, but laughed when I realised it was a reminder for my next appointment with my psychologist! The timing was so ironic! Lol She eventually replied, explaining her delay and saying it was lovely to hear from me. I felt us both relaxing into a smile as we exchanged messages back and forth for the rest of the day. I told her I was sorry, no explanations or justifications and even made a joke about my grudge baring ability! Ha! She replied that she felt there was no need for apologies and I didn’t owe her one any more than she owed me one.

We exchanged facts about our respective circumstances and agreed to stay in touch. After a few weeks of messaging I extended an open invitation to catch up in person sometime if she wanted to. She said she did want to but the timing wasn’t right in her life right now and asked me to be patient. I took it at face value, instead of deciding she didn’t really want to be friends again because I am the world’s worst human! I know I am a good person and a good friend, maybe she just has her quota full right now. It doesn’t matter the reason.

Whatever her reason, it is ok with me. It has actually never felt more over than it does right now, as we have reopened the lines of communication! I have reached that level of peacefulness that allows me let it be what it was, what it is, and what it will be. In the end my battle was always with myself. And I won!

If you had of asked me about reconciliations in the past I would have assumed it would only reference a situation in which you resumed the friendship at the same or higher intensity than it had existed before. What if that intensity was part of the reason you parted to begin with? I never imagined a reconciliation to mean a more peaceful ending at worst or a downgrading to acquaintance at best. Reconciliation is just about you finding peace with yourself about the situation and in some cases that doesn’t involve contact with the other party at all.

Do I have any happier reconciliation stories? Yes! Thankfully I do and I will share all my stories in due course. This one, however, points out the less obvious outcomes that never really swirl around in your head at the beginning. If you are still thinking about it, you need to find a way to come to peace with it, regardless of the outcome. For me that meant taking personal accountability for my needy behaviours and the reasons behind them, and facing some insecurities and hard truths that have plagued me for years. It was HARD work. I am glad I did though, and I am a much better friend for it now. As a result my friendships are much more rewarding too! (Drumroll…. “and the winner of friendships goes to…” hahaha) Whatever you need to do, it’s got to be better than being stuck with a million unanswered questions; even if you are frightened of the answers. Going over hypothetical situations and having pretend conversations with people in your mind is fruitless because in real life the other person never says what we expect anyway, even if we do eventually manage the courage of our convictions. 

It might be too late to go back to what was, but it is never too late to find peace with what has happened. Ask yourself what fears are being triggered by this situation and how you can face them… alone if need be. You got this. You had the power all along. Let me know how you go! Good Luck. 

❤ Love,

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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All friendships were NOT created equal

A recent study by MIT, which analysed the friendship bonds between a class of 23 to 38 year old students (87 participants in total) who were taking a business management course together found that we don’t have as many friends as we think… or more so, that over half the people we consider friends, do not consider us as such.  It was revealed that 94% of participants expected their answers to be mirrored or reciprocated, however only 53% of them were.

Participants were asked to rank each other on a level of friendship, from 1 to 5 (1 meaning “I do not know this person” and 5 meaning “One of my best friends.”) Even though the study was small and limited, the findings appear to be consistent with various other similar studies, reaching a larger demographic. The data showed that while you may rate a person a 5, effectively best friend material, the chances that they reciprocate the sentiment as not as high as you’d like to believe.

This was actually not a surprise to me; well, not at first anyway. I am the kind of person who maintains about 5 core close friendships. Any more than that and I become a bit overwhelmed, and any less than that and I start feeling isolated and lonely. I am not sure if most people have “an ideal friend number” or if 5 is universal (although the people from Wonderful Engineering indicate I am onto something with that!) Your number may be higher or lower or may change over time and with circumstance, but mine seems to be pretty universally stable at 5.

Of those 5 friends, all of them call me a best friend. I am their best friend.... (Pause for applause at my apparent awesomeness.... Lol!) I have been happy to fill this role for them. I love being the person who knows their inner secret thoughts, who is there for them and supports them through life. I love celebrating with them and commiserating with them. And if I am honest, I love feeling important to them. For the longest time I stayed away from the term “best friend.” It was exclusionary, and took away from my friendships with other women. Each of them offered me something I enjoyed, valued and even needed in my life. (There is that word again. Need. Hmm. Really must post on this)

Of course, friendships change; they ebb and flow, even end, and sometimes start back up again, sometimes not. I found myself at a point where a few friendships were ending, which is always painful, especially when you only really have 5. You would be surprised the hole this leaves in your heart and mind when it happens. Alas, happen it did. Post about group friendships to follow! Ugh.
Anyway, I digress. In the wake of the changes to my friendship group I made a few new friends. Luckily. And happily. I gave these friends the same time and attention I would give to any friend I valued. One of them found this quite overwhelming and actually our friendship fractured after a relatively short period of time. (Which was still immensely painful even given our short friendship, so I will post about that soon too. So many topics to cover!) The other “new friend” took to me like a duck to water. It wasn’t long before she was using the term “bestie” and I was caught off guard when I found myself reciprocating.  I still didn’t want to take anything away from my other friendships, and I didn’t neglect them, but there was something about this person. She was my soul mate, or one of them anyway, depending on your beliefs.

I came as close to being in love with someone as you can get on a platonic level. If I had participated in that study then, my other friends, I probably would have ranked at a 4, despite "knowing" they would rank me a 5, and I would have ranked bestie at a 5. I had 100% confidence that the new friend was ranking me a 5, too. So I was not surprised to learn that people didn’t always reciprocate friendship levels, as in my own experiences, I believed the people in my life all thought I was a 5, and it didn’t matter if they were only an 4 to me. Equally I believed anybody I ranked a 5 would unequivocally rank me a 5 too. At a time, perhaps this was true.

Alas, as I said earlier; things change, people change, and circumstances change. People move, find partners, have children, get married, get divorced, have health issues, lose weight, gain weight, face death or loss of loved ones, become carers, start work, stop work, change jobs, make new friends or a ton of other changes happen that can influence friendships. It is fair to say with my new found bestie, we did experience some changes, and some distance grew in the cracks of that 5.

I felt the distance and I lost that certainty that she would rate me a 5, if asked. (Thankfully we never were asked!) I was very aware of the power difference that now faced me. I had always acknowledged unequal friendships existed… but only in reflection of myself being the person with the lesser investment. I was very uncomfortable with the idea that I liked someone more than they liked me. And I had to question if I had been unknowingly causing my other friends discomfort by not mentally marking them as a 5, while obviously prioritising this one friend.

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I also had to question if my other friends actually knew they would not rank as high on my scale as they might rank me on theirs? Perception is reality, perhaps they were just as certain they would rate a 5 on my scale as I had been certain of my bestie’s reciprocation?  I had thought it was obvious, yet we had NEVER discussed this. Even if I wanted to, how do you have that conversation?

Them: “I love you so much, I am so glad to have you as a best friend.”
Me: “Well, this is awkward, but while I am stoked you feel that way about me, and I don’t want you to think less of me, I need to be clear that I do not think of you as a best friend, and no, there is no valid reason for this?!....”

Yeah, I don’t think so! Did that mean I was effectively cheating on all my friends, with the others? By allowing them to think we were somehow exclusive, simply by not correcting them when they used the term bestie in relation to our friendship? On the one hand, they were allowed to decide how they defined me, but on the other, did my positive although passively vague responses to these comments imply I felt the same way? Did it matter? I didn’t think it did, until it happened to me. Then it mattered more than it probably should.

I don’t know that there is a great deal of difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship and that is a topic I definitely want to explore; because the term Best Friend does imply loyalty and exclusivity. Are friendships just platonic open relationships? Or do you need to pick one and commit to it above all others? While I am sure the answer to that differs for the individual, it was suddenly thrust into my consciousness and I actually wasn’t sure. I don’t think any of us are. Although I was not surprised to learn unequal friendships exist, I was shocked to find that this could happen to me – at least unfavourably!

The issue isn’t just with the term best friends; and the problems of these relationships don’t just lie in the petty jealousies, although of those there are many! They lie in the unspoken expectations that go with the term in general. The expectations we have will be closely linked with our values, which we tend to just assume a best friend shares. Unfortunately this is not always the case. A person who values family time more than you do, for example, may inadvertently let you down by cancelling girls nights out in favour of family nights in. Neither party is wrong. If your bestie didn’t have a family of her own when you met her, you may never have realised this difference in values before. And even if you have discussed it in theory, you never know how people will actually respond in any given situation. In any case we cannot and should not judge what we do not know.

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Some of us call ALL of our friends ‘best friends’ - but tempting as that catch all is, I definitely have friends who aren’t my best friend and I don’t think I am theirs either. So that wouldn’t work for me. Is there a limit as to how many BEST friends a person can have? (5!! Haha) Surely the term itself implies that, say, for example; at an ice-cream shop, you would choose one flavour over another, unquestionably, because it was the best one? But it isn’t that simple with friends. (or ice cream, actually!!) Of course we probably do prioritise people unconsciously, however; situations, and how we are feeling emotionally often dictate who we spend time with... (or what flavour ice cream we are in the mood for. Maybe even a new one?!) As women, our feelings, moods and cravings  are unpredictable to say the least!

So this is how the name of this website: Best Friend ForNever, is born. It is simply unrealistic to think someone will rank you at a 5 today, and FOREVER. I am now pretty clear with all my friends that I don’t like the term best friend. That I value all of my friends and put in the effort to keep them close. If they choose to still call me a best friend that is ok with me. If they choose to call all their friends best friends, or a select few, that’s ok too. It is not bad word and the sentiment is kind. We just need to have more open discussions about what levels of exclusivity, intimacy and expectations are implied before we go ahead and assume someone else’s interpretation of the term is the same as our own or lead people to have unrealistic expectations of us as friends that we are unable or unwilling to meet but are afraid to say so.

Ultimately I came to understand that my 5 would probably still rank me at a 5, but it isn’t as important anymore. Whatever we rank each other, it would probably be roughly the same. And I was much happier before I started mentally comparing. Perception is reality and I am happy to perceive that my friends like me as much as I like them. I think my friends are happier too, not knowing that maybe I wouldn’t rank them a 5. Ok, it’s fair to say I probably dropped a ranking or 2 on their scale after they read this post, and that is ok. It’s semantics. If they rank me roughly where I rank them the differences shouldn’t matter. I know I value them and I feel valued by them all.

I do my best to be the best friend I can be to all my friends. And that’s the best I can do…. High 5! 

❤ Love,

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Photo by Jonas Vincent

2 Sides to Every Story

How many times have we heard this expression thrown around without really stopping to consider the other side? In my experience people tend to say this to me when I am upset with someone about some perceived wrongdoing or slight against me! This is particularly true in relation to my friendships and I have heard the expression countless times when attempting to express if I felt let down by a friend in some way. The thing is I was usually always so caught up in my hurt that I didn’t really hear them. What I felt was that they were minimising my hurt and basically taking my friends side or insinuating that I was over reacting.... Me? Never! Ha! 

When a friend lets us down or hurts us in some way, it is only natural to feel hurt; and you are entitled to feel hurt. After a while though, we usually do progress to trying to think about things from the other person’s perspective. The problem is that we still usually try and see it in a way that pertains to us specifically. We have a tendency to wonder if our friend was upset with us because of something we did or said, or alternatively, something we failed to say or do. Once we are satisfied that we haven’t actually done anything wrong, or justified to ourselves that whatever we did wasn’t that bad, we move on to wondering if everything is ok with our friend. Maybe we haven’t heard from her because something is wrong? When both of these come up blank we are stumped and it tends to be where we get mentally and emotionally stuck… as the victim…

I have experienced this countless times, because I never really took the time to explore the other side of the story to its fullest. Recently I bumped into an old workmate at the local shopping centre. It has been at least 10 years since I saw this person, yet I recognised her instantly. Things ended so badly between us that she moved jobs just to get away from me, and her parting words to me were “I don’t know why you hate me so much.” I haven’t thought about her since then, and I hope she hasn’t wasted another moment on me either. She didn’t say hello, though I know she recognised me. If I could go back in time to seeing her at the shop I would apologise, and if she wanted an explanation I would candidly give her one.

After that moment, I went home thinking about her and what transpired between us, probably more than I ever did at the time. I came to the conclusion that I ended our friendship and I never even told her! At the time, I had taken up a sordid and unsuitable office romance, which was very much against the office policy. I had also just taken on a promotion to a managerial position. I knew my friend would not approve of this romance, for more than one reason, and I knew she would have been right too! Unfortunately, I didn’t care about any of that. Also my new fling had sworn me to secrecy for their own benefit, and for reasons I couldn’t admit to myself at the time, such as them not wanting anyone to know that we were together because they were too ashamed to be seen with me. The truth hurts.... so lets not acknowledge it, that will help?! Healthy, right?! Not! I certainly was not wanting my friend pointing out this harsh truth, which; as a good friend, she may well have done. So, slowly, without any malice or conscious consideration I used my promotion as an excuse to withdraw from my friend, and spend more time with my lover.

On several occasions my friend asked me if I was okay. She made invites that I declined, and she asked me if she had done anything that had upset me. I remember being surprised by the question, and reassuring her, happily, smiling and laughing that she had not done anything wrong and that we were still friends. Even when she left the company, full of anger at me, I was baffled! Honestly! As far as I was concerned we were still friends. Nothing had transpired between us that made me like her less. Even her angry outbursts, although confusing somewhat, didn’t perturb me. At that point I think an angry outburst or confession of her sins against me would have been a relief for her, but I had nothing. I thought we were friends, but apparently we weren’t, she hated me now?  The fact that I didn’t even lose sleep over her upset bothers me beyond words now. In fact while she was hurting so much that she left her job to get away from me, I barely thought of her at all. And that, readers, is an example of one time, I ended a friendship, without even realising. And as you can see it had nothing at all to do with my friend, and I was perfectly fine, aside from the questionable romantic life choices I was making. This doesn't reflect well on me, but we cannot change what we do not acknowledge. I learned... eventually! 

When faced with a similar situation, on the receiving end this time of said withdrawal....I reacted in a pretty similar fashion to my old workmate, despair, anger, the other grief symptoms.... I wanted to know what I did wrong, so that I could fix it. When that didn’t work, I wanted to provoke some sort of emotional response from her.I wanted to know that she still cared. I wanted to control the outcome in my favour. And despite me having been on the other side of this equation more than once in my life, I failed to see that my newer friends’ withdrawal from me was never about me to begin with, and I was powerless to change it. I will write a post about that soon, although it will be a difficult emotional one to share, but I guess that’s what this site is all about.

The thing is, in the earlier situation with my workmate, basically, I found someone else who I would rather spend my time and emotional energy on. She missed me, when I was right there, all day, every damned day! I think this sums up her feelings pretty accurately:

My behaviour was no reflection of my friend or her worth, and I gave very little consideration to how badly it impacted her, no matter how hard she tried to force me to acknowledge it. Actually, that only made my withdrawal from her easier. What I realised, when I looked back at this situation, was that I still liked my workmate. I had no ill feelings towards her, and never meant to hurt her. (Although, to an extent, I refused to even acknowledge that I was hurting her. Which probably hurt her even more...) I mentioned in my "Back to basics and the beginning" post that perspective is a choice and my childhood bestie and I were still friends because I said so and it really was that simple. I stand by that, but it is important to acknowledge both people have to feel the same way, and feel comfortable with the silences, confidently. (Which may be why it seems only possible with childhood friends where acceptance and change are abundant or long distance friends where expectations are lower and allowances are higher!) In this situation, my workmate did not feel the same way; in her perspective - my silence was an ending. My reassurances of friendship were never enough, because as I said in my “LETS be Friends” post - friendship is an action word. We couldn't just be friends because I said so..... I was no longer acting like a friend; and there was no way I was holding myself accountable for that, or anything else at that time in my life to be honest! She left and I shrugged my shoulders and went on merrily ignoring the situation for 10 years until it came back to haunt me. The timing was so ironic. I almost wish my ex workmate had known what was transpiring in my own life at the time so she could have had the satisfaction of knowing Karma doesn’t forget, even if we do! Lol

Not only did that situation force me to acknowledge that I am not “always the victim” but it also threw into question my theories about my current situation. Was it possible that on the other side of the story, it wasn’t about me at all? If you were to view my life as a movie, I was the main character… How was it possible that something that could impact me and my life so deeply - wasn’t even about me? Even knowing that evoked feelings of unworthiness and anger. How could someone stop being my close friend, and then not even notice that she stopped? If I meant anything to her surely she would notice my absence? Nope. She was still fulfilled. There was no silence in her life. And the silence in mine, although created by her, was not her problem. Sad but true. 

In her mind, I wasn’t gone. We were still friends, she just had other people and things taking her attention. She was ok. Better than ok. She was great and happy, and I wasn’t being a great friend because I struggled to be happy for her. Of course I could only see how this impacted me. I am human, and my life IS ABOUT ME! I see things through my perspective and that is the only one I can see it from without considerable effort. The concept that something isn’t about me is uncomfortable at first. Of course it is about me? I am the main character?! Lol

It takes courage to step out and see that you are not the main character in anyone else’s life, and admit that you shouldn’t be and that is ok. As a matter of fact, there is some freedom to the acknowledgement. Nothing I say or do is a reflection of anyone but me, as much as I want to justify my poorer choices, and nothing anybody else does is a reflection of me either! (As much as I want to blame myself to control the outcome!) People move away emotionally, forget things, say thoughtless things, or react poorly as a response to their own feelings and circumstances, which most of the time, have nothing at all to do with you or any of the excuses or circumstances you have dreamed up for them. Forgiveness is easier, maybe not even necessary, when you truly understand the expression “there are 2 sides to every story” and accept their side might not have you in it at all.

Being faced with such a "Sliding Doors" kind of moment, truly seeing the other side from my own perspective and experience, was a real eye opener, and I hope you can use it to reflect on your own life, and see when you may have acted similarly to the thing you are facing now. You may shudder and say “I would never do this to someone.” Not consciously, no. But the human psyche works in ways that preserve self and allows us not to see what we don’t want to see about ourselves or a situation. Remember what I said about accountability? This is what I mean. Self awareness comes at a cost, but is well worth it.

At the end of the day, my workmate was right, I wasn’t her friend anymore, I didn’t even care enough to see that I was hurting her. (And boy did she make it obvious!) And essentially she was right to walk away and forget about me. She was wasting energy on something that was no longer important enough for me to even care about. I don’t regret that she walked away, she deserved better than that. I am happy for her that she finally realised and gave up. I only wish she had known it was never about her, because then it would have been a much less painful and prolonged choice for her, and she may not have had to leave her job. Although, as a tiny justification, can I just say that I did her a favour getting her out of that office?! ( I’m glad I eventually left too!) Can I pass that off as my final act of friendship to her?....Whatever helps me sleep at night, right?! Lol

This obviously all relates back to self-esteem. If you know you are worth more…. If you know your friend is no longer acting like a friend, or being what you “need” (blog post about that to come) or even what they used to be to you, don’t waste energy on why. You don’t need them to agree with you. They may never agree with you, because the poor reflection of themselves is deflected by self- preservation and justification. It is human instinct. Getting them to admit that they are wrong is only half the battle. If they admit they are wrong; they may have to change it. Looking back, I was not prepared to stop seeing my lover, to give my friend more time, or admit that I was wrong to be with said lover in the first place. I knew it already, but if I said it, I would be expected to change it and I plain didn’t want to. Does that make sense?

If you are trying to get your friend to choose you, or to admit they let you down or to get an apology, stop. You are wasting your time. Accept that this isn’t about you, it isn’t your place to hold them accountable. Their self awareness may be lacking and that is their own journey. In time they may come to realise how they impacted you, at which point what they do about it is up to them. It isn’t that you aren’t entitled to an apology or an explanation, just that if you force it, it wont be really genuine anyway. Let time and Karma deal with everyone but yourself. You are the main character in your movie, so you get to decide what happens next and you know best how to make yourself happy. If you don’t – that is a far better use of your time and energy than chasing someone else.

<3 Love, 
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

LETS be Friends

“In order to have friends you must first be one.” Ebert Hubbard, Philosopher. 

Along the course of my life I have gained and lost a fair few friends. More and more I begin to realise that this is not unique or uncommon. So I guess I am not as special, or even as ‘unspecial’, as I thought! At times, these broken friendships ended mutually, quietly, slowly and naturally; usually because neither person had the energy or interest in putting in the time and effort it takes to be a good friend…. And neither one cared enough to even make a fuss over it. It’s entirely plausible that you didn’t even notice it had ended and nor did they.  I have definitely experienced this from both sides. Honestly. Note to self - new blog post topic. Other times these friendships came to a more abrupt or unequal ending, with one person or the other declaring it over. Essentially though, the reasons remain the same I suppose. One person wasn’t being a good friend. More likely neither of them were.

So what does it take to be a good friend? When I look at my friends, and take stock of what I value in each one, I notice that each of them offers me something I value, something that makes my time with them enjoyable enough that I seek it out on a fairly regular basis, and I hope, vice versa. Time. That is the most common indicator of a healthy friendship. What motivates us to put in the effort to make time for our friends? I think it is related to how special, valued, loved and important they make us feel. How we feel about someone and how they make us feel about ourselves is closely linked. This is dependant entirely on how we communicate with them. LETS break that down, shall we? 

Listening

Effort (and empathy!) 

Time

Sharing (and sympathising) 

Listening. Friendship is in the details. What tends to differentiate a friend from an acquaintance, aside from time given to the friendship, is the amount of detail in which we disclose personal information, and how much we remember about theirs. An acquaintance does not expect you to remember their birthday, and similarly, you do not get upset when they ask you what your dog’s name is, for the hundredth time. There is no expectation on either of you to know the details, even if it is slightly frustrating because your dog’s name is Pig! Come on now - It’s hilarious and points at your brilliance and witty nature.  How can they forget?!! 

Some people are natural talkers and other natural listeners, but we need to hone both skills to make a really good friend. Sometimes in conversation we are so busy planning the next hilarious thing we are going to say, or preoccupied with trying to find a way to steer the conversation where we want it to go (or away from where we don’t want it to go) that we don’t even really notice we aren’t listening to what our friend is saying. We all get stressed, and have things weighing on us occasionally that might stop us from really being able to hear what a friend is sharing with us, but this should not be a pattern for you. We have all been chatting with someone at one point or another, trying to find the words to communicate something important to us, when suddenly the communication is railroaded by the latest news from said friend. It doesn’t feel great. (Especially when what you were trying to share was significant and her news was seemingly more trivial, like the latest tweet from her celebrity crush, which was clearly directed at her, right? Don’t you think? Let’s plan the wedding! Rolls eyes.) If a friend feels like you can’t listen, care about her problems and empathise, celebrate her successes and stop talking about yourself long enough to breathe, chances are you will be met by a wall of distance. 

As one of my close friends described this situation to me about another of her friends she said: “I had to put some distance there. She never asks me how I am and when she does, she doesn’t listen to the answer, always finding ways to turn the conversation back around to herself. Sometimes I don’t even get the chance to speak at all before she starts talking about herself again. It’s as though asking about me is just a pleasantry to get out of the way. If I told her this she would probably angrily deny it and say it is my fault for never speaking up, but I never get the chance.” 

Humans are selfish by nature, so naturally our favourite topic of conversation is “me.” It’s important to be honest with yourself and have a close look at your interactions.  How much time do you spend talking about yourself versus listening to your friend? If you find you are dominating the conversation, stop, take a breath, and try to show a genuine interest in her life. Make eye contact and watch her body language for clues too. Until now you might not have noticed this friendship is unequal, but believe me, the other person does. And she will be spending her time on someone who makes her feel “understood” sooner than you can say the word “ghosted” if you don’t start listening soon. 

Effort. Knowing the details of your friends’ life, and remembering them are closely linked. This takes effort. As you learn to listen better, you will learn to pick up on the emotive language, body language and other verbal and nonverbal cues that tell us when something is important to someone. Like when I say it is totally fine that you ditched me last week, but I avoid eye contact with you when I say it? That tells you I value reliability and am a bit of a diva when you let me down! It’s unlikely you will make the same mistake again if you value my friendship, right? There’s a topic for another time.  Getting back on point…. Whenever someone has shared something with you that seems to be causing them some emotional reaction, it is essential that you follow up on that with them later. Did they have a job interview? How did it go? Were the kids sick? Are they better? Stressed about an exam? Did they manage to fit in that extra study? Relationship drama? Have things settled down? You don’t have to play 20 questions, or make a big fuss about every little thing they mention. A quick call or text will suffice, even if they don’t get time to answer you. It is important to people that we care about them enough to follow through. Friendship is an action word. For the really big things such as a birthday, or an anniversary of something they celebrate or commiserate, pop a reminder in your phone or computer, or even just on the calendar, one for the day of, and one for the week before if you need to plan any gatherings, events, gifts or cards etc… And then it is there. It will mean a lot to them that you remembered, even if you did have a little help. (They never need to know that… unless you go ahead and write a blog post about it…. Lol) It will mean even more to them if you have taken the time to organise something for them with a personal touch, more than a message on social media or a text. It makes your friend feel loved, cared for, secure, thought about, valued and important. Who doesn’t want to feel that? I do. Don’t you? It only takes a little effort. Or maybe I am just a diva! 

Time. I watched a movie once called “In Time” where time was used like a currency. I liked the movie almost as much as the analogy! We all get exactly the same amount of time in our proverbial account, each and every day. Circumstance dictates how we spend it. Some of us work, some of us are gym bunnies, some of us parents, or carers, or students. Many of us multiples of these things all at once. It gets eaten up so quickly by the things we have to do, there’s not much left for the things we want to do. It seems almost unanimous, when I speak to people about friendship, that time spent is a big factor in closeness, and also hugely limits us from having more close friends.  When we do find we have some time to “spend” on social activities, who we choose to spend it with speaks volumes.  If we don’t “spend” our time on the people we value, it stands to reason that those people don’t feel valued by us. If you are feeling a little lonely or isolated, it is a good idea to ask yourself where your time has been spent and if it reflects what you really value. If it doesn’t, chances are your friends haven’t felt like you were being a very good friend. Take it from someone who knows - that is the first step towards not having good friends. Don’t despair. It’s never too late to change this. Just the same as we look at the budget to see where we can make cuts to fit in those new shoes, or that overseas trip, or just to have some savings in the bank, there are ways to maximise your time too. How you manage that is up to you. Perhaps you could meet up with someone in your lunch hour once a week, or take a gym class together, or invite a friend over for a movie on the condition that they help you study afterwards. Being a good friend means showing up. Literally not virtually. If you do, you will have people who show up for you. Think about it. Making time takes effort, and you can’t please everyone, so make sure your time spent reflects the people you value. It’s a similar concept to value for money, and time is the currency you use to buy friendships. How much you invest is up to you, and so therefore, is how many rewards you reap from it. 

Sharing. We spoke about listening earlier and the impact this has on friendships and their individual dynamics. Working on your listening is only half the battle. If you look at your interactions and you realise you are always talking, directing the conversation, and you actually don’t know much about your friend, asking them and then really listening isn’t that hard if you really care about them. That said, if you find that you always seem to be in the listening role, and feel you do it well, but don’t really feel connected or understood by your friends, then chances are you are not great at sharing. Learning to listen, if I had to guess, is way harder than learning to open up and share some of yourself with your friends. Sharing, when it is mutual is the biggest factor in successful reciprocal (non-judgemental) friendships. And it is also vital to happiness. I know, I know; it’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and share your real (crazy) self sometimes, even with your closest friends. This is true even if they openly and easily share with you. Unfortunately, if you ask me, sharing with someone who listens is the key to human connectedness, so you must learn. Don’t wait to be asked, pick the friend you trust the most, and share something about yourself or your life that is slightly more personal than you usually would. (Baby steps!) After all your friends are awesome people, or why would you hang out with them? You trust them, right? You are not only denying yourself by holding back, but you are also denying your friends the opportunity to be a good friend and reciprocate. You know how good it feels when a friend shares something with you and you support them and bask in their warm affectionate praises, noting to yourself what a truly wonderful selfless human you are? Or like the time you gave them the perfect gift for their anniversary that everyone else forgot and felt like your heart could burst with pride for yourself? No? Just me on that one? Lol. Well anyway, your friends want to bask in your glow sometimes too and if they don’t feel they can offer you anything, you risk losing them to someone who makes them feel like they can. 

I made a statement earlier that friendship is an action word. It isn’t always easy and effortless, which is why we don’t form close friendships with everyone we meet. That and the fact that we probably don’t like most of them anyway! Lol Seriously though, it is ok to enjoy the more casual friendships for what they are too, your buddy who makes you laugh, or the one who shares yoga with you, or the group of mums you chat to at the school gate.

If you are honestly getting it all right, and still feeling isolated, then the chances are; your friend, or the person you are trying to be friends with, isn’t being a very good friend right now. Maybe they just aren’t looking for more close or intense/intimate friendships right now, or they are going through something they don’t want to share, or, actually a whole host of other reasons they may have. Trust me when I tell you that none of them have anything at all to do with you. Zero. We can’t change other people, and it is not our place to hold them accountable. If your friend is creating space, they probably need space, even if they won’t admit it or tell you why. That is all you need to know. Either leave them be and move on, or enjoy it as a more surface level friendship for now and try a new friend target. Even if you used to be super close. It’s hard, I know! How close you are with someone may change over time. Ebb and flow is natural and normal. You deserve good friends, so rather than wasting effort, energy and time on someone who isn’t making you feel valued, put your energy back into yourself and what you can control. If you value yourself, you won’t settle for less. And you’ll feel better about this when you let it go. Well, actually, to quote Jon Kabbat-Zinn “It’s not a matter of letting it go - you would if you could. Instead of let it go, we should probably say ‘let it be’.”

Remember; not every friendship needs to be close, but if you are feeling isolated, or lonely or misunderstood, maybe it is because none of them are. To have good friends, you must first be a good friend. Are you? 

LETS be friends?! Listening. Effort. Time. Sharing. It’s a formula. Try it out. Let me know how you go. :)

 

Love,

your Best Friend ForNever (BFFN)

Back to basics and the beginning.

Where better to start my friendship exploration journey, than right back at the beginning? The first memories I have of friendship are probably around 4 or 5 years old. Even then I was drawn to other girls as friends, and I remember all too well the pain that came with being told “You’re not my best-friend anymore” and being excluded from the the imaginary castle with the others colouring in and wearing plastic heels and tiara’s!

The thing is, it was easier then. Easier to make friends. To be friends without necessarily defining that you were friends, and even easier to just bluntly define that you considered someone a friend without any consideration of the possibility that they didn’t feel the same way about you! It was easier to get over it if you weren’t friends anymore and go find someone else to play with. It seemed natural to forgive and forget the next day when you were once again allowed back into the fun and games in the imaginary castle. Fights had a tendency to be short lived, as did memories of hurt feelings about being cast aside. And guilt about being mean to your friend was pretty much non-existent too. Although I don’t remember it this way, I am almost certain that I dished out as many social exclusions as I received.

I think girls clue in at an early age that exclusion has power and as youngsters, we aren’t afraid to use it. That does change as we get older, and we learn to understand the power, but we continue to use it, just with more subtlety and finesse.  (Although not always, by any means!) It is a tool, a weapon if you will, that we spend a great deal of time simultaneously perfecting and deflecting. Exclusion and silence go hand in hand.

As children, we just accept people as they are. We don’t make too much fuss of apologies and are always looking forwards. We don’t want to get caught up in yesterday’s fight when there are new adventures to be had today. And I wonder if that is such a bad thing? Maybe we should try and be more like this as adults?

My oldest friend (who I have known for nearly 30 years) and I were discussing this the other day. If we met now, there is not much chance a friendship would spark between us. We are such different people, on different paths with different hobbies, interests and beliefs. We never judge one another though, because we never did as children. We are friends because we were friends; and we were friends just because! When she moved to this country at 6 years old, and fate put her into the house that shared a back fence with mine; I practically won the Jackpot of kids lotto! I went over to her house, and confidently knocked on her door.  I introduced myself as her new friend and invited myself in to play. We have never looked back.  Almost all my significant memories of childhood, and adulthood for that matter, have her in them.

There have been times when we were super close and times when we actually barely spoke. (There has never been a time that I can recall though where we were “not speaking.”)  In high school for example, she was climbing the social ladders, while I was less popular and forging more intimate connections with a few close friends (also unpopular! Haha) Still, if we had a class together - we sat together. It was a given. We were friends after all. It didn’t need more defining than that. If we passed in the hallways we said hello and if we needed anything we knew we only needed to ask. After high school we both went on to further study and I moved out of home. We weren’t in contact much at the time and I never let her know. I could have, I mean - I had her number, it just didn’t seem relevant at the time. (At risk of showing my age, in my defence this was before facebook... this was even before mobile phones and texting! How did we live?!! haha) Her and I travelled in different circles by then, so I just didn’t think to tell her.  A year or 2 later she contacted my parents and they told her how to reach me. She did, and we just caught up. She never asked why I didn’t tell her and I never made a big deal of her not being social with me outside of school. We were just us, because we always had been. We started hanging out again regularly, and never really lost touch again. That said; our contact goes from very frequent and regular to more sporadic. Even so; we never question our friendship. At least I never do. I hope she doesn't. I think there is something to be said for this. I haven’t managed that with many other friends…. Any at all maybe…. Why would that be? Because I have gained something as an adult that I didn’t really have when I was a kid. Insecurities!!! Which are largely based on FEAR?!

Fear of what? Fear of saying “I like you lets be friends?” Fear of rejection? Fear or looking like a lonely loser? Fear of liking someone more than they like you? Fear of it eventually breaking down? Fear of the silence that can happen when a friendship starts to fizzle or fade? You know; the silence that creeps in as one person makes choices that takes her away from the other? We can sit and listen to that silence for such a long time. It can be the loudest sound there is. Deafening silence that nobody else can hear…It is easy to spiral into thoughts of how this reflects on you, things you may have said or done to push that person away or upset them and desperately flailing around in the dark trying to win them back. Whatever it is that you are afraid of, insecurities are triggered by fear. Instinctively we are trying to protect ourselves from being let down, abandoned and emotionally hurt, but at what cost? Insecurities thrive on us not feeling “enough” in some aspect of self and having this perceived failing “proven” in the eyes of another. I never experience this with my childhood bestie. I never feel insecure with her, because our friendship was never based on either of us being interesting enough, or good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough, or funny enough (thank goodness!) or anything else. We never tried to be anything other than ourselves, never expected each other to be anything in particular. We never expected things wouldn’t change – in fact we spent much time dreaming about how things would change as our lives unfolded! We weren’t afraid to explore new people during the gaps in our friendship. We didn’t expect those gaps, but we didn’t dwell on them either, both eager to see what else was on offer.  I never viewed her choices as a reflection of me, my worthiness or lack thereof. (I really hope she never did either!) We are friends… basically because I say so… and it really is that simple. Even during times when we weren’t really acting like friends, neither of us chose the perspective that we were not friends. Because we are. Always have been. I hope we always will be.

I can almost hear some of you screaming at me from behind your screens that childhood friendships do not carry the weight of significance that comes with adult ones. They are not burdened with responsibilities and we do not need them for emotional and sometimes physical or practical support. You’re right of course. My point, and yes, I think I have one, lol, is that the difference is in the silence. As we mature, we hear the silence more than we did as children. As children it seems we were perpetually surrounded by peers and friends, our options limitless. Just like when we were children, as adults, people do change. Unfortunately sometimes, our friends just can’t give us the time or energy to be the friend that they used to be. Often this means you will be faced with the silence. Sometimes it is literally silent, other times it may be a feeling; a distance or a fading out of sorts. When you experience it, you’ll know. If we are deafened by the silence when distance starts to grow, it’s likely we tuned into this friend like we were wearing earphones - listening to a catchy song on repeat. It made us feel happy. It made us feel good enough. It didn’t trigger fear or insecurity about self…. But when the music stops playing, all we can hear is the silence. It takes a while to notice that while we were wearing these metaphorical earphones, we tuned out the other stations. The other people. The potential friends that still surround us. We stopped exploring our options because we found a good one. We didn’t need more options. That’s ok, until the music stops. It usually does. We don’t assume when the radio station stops playing a song we love that it was in some way to spite us. I don’t anyway – I hope you don’t! We understand new music comes out all the time and we need to make room for it. We know there is always at least one good song we hadn’t heard before. We know it is not about us personally. It can be hard to remember this when it comes to your friends. Still it remains true that the silence is about them exploring and experiencing and making room for new “music” - being people and things outside of you. It has no bearing on you being or not being anything “enough.” So with that in mind, please don’t sit for too long waiting for the music to come back on, listening to the silence when you could simply tune back into life and enjoy some new music. (Friends, I mean new friends, in case that wasn’t clear!)  You don’t know what you’ve been missing! You will be dancing in no time, I promise. And when you hear that old tune (friend) again one day in the future, you will be happy, not sad or resentful or angry. You will probably still like it… The choice is yours… Are you still friends or not? Which choice makes you happy? It can be easy to forget that perspective is a choice. It is though. Think about it. Fights as adults, unlike as children, are not always as short lived or temporary in nature. That is largely because our nature is not so easily and naturally forgiving. Things get more complicated in adulthood, I agree, but when you acknowledge that whatever is happening, isn't about you, and tune in to the new music, forgiveness and deciding the silence doesn't have to be permanent or "an ending" seems a whole lot easier. Try and think of it as "for now" and not "forever" - which applies to both the friendship as it flourishes and when it fizzles, fades or fractures.

Okay, okay….. I hear you! Making new friends as adults though, it’s hard and it’s complicated, right? We might have a thousand “friends” on social media, yet nobody to see that new blockbuster with on Saturday night. Nothing wrong with going alone. You should try it at least once, but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting someone to go with either…. So ask someone! You don’t go for a job interview all the while pretending you don’t want the position. Friendships are the same. Approach them in the same manner. Have confidence in your ability to fill the role and don’t be shy about going after it! (If only the position was advertised hey? Well you have an opening, so advertise it!!! Let someone else apply to be your friend!) If you get rejected it probably is because they have plans this Saturday, not because they think you were weird for asking. Ask someone else, and if you are too shy to ask, then just mention it in general conversation and see if you get any offers. The reason you feel strange, talking about wanting friends, is because it is unspoken. Keeping it that way exacerbates the issue so we need to start talking about it.  You'd be surprised how many people are facing the same issue! When we were kids, we just told someone they were our friend, invited them to do stuff and basically didn’t wait for their acceptance or approval. Why be different now? It worked!  If you like someone they will probably like you back just for seeing how awesome they are. Who doesn’t love that? (I’ll post about making friends soon. Stay tuned.)

These days, when it comes to making new friends we say “it was easier as kids, we were surrounded by peers at school, all making the same choices at the same times.” If we look around our adult lives, like really look, there are people all around us. Potential friends at work, at the school gate, at uni, even at the supermarket?! Perhaps we need to let our inner child out to play with theirs. Let go of inhibitions, stop worrying if they like you or if you will seem desperate and lonely, and just invite them out to play! And if they say no, let your inner child let go of that hurt for you and try again somewhere else, maybe even with the kid who kicked you out of the castle yesterday. They might be over it by now, and it helps if you are too…

If anyone needs me I’ll be in the castle colouring in and totally rocking my plastic tiara! (The plastic heels don't come in my size anymore or I'd rock those too! Lol) The more the merrier!
 

LOVE,

YOUR BEST FRIEND FORNEVER (BFFN)

Photo By Aston Mullins