Friendship "Resolutions" (Acronym)

Respect: Respect your friends and their time. Be mindful of their opinions, feelings, lifestyle, choices and goals, even if you don’t agree or understand.

Engage, empathise, and empower. Engage in a genuine way, stay present during conversations, make sure you are empathising and not sympathising. (To tell the difference, watch this short you tube here.) Empower your friends. Tell them their strengths, support their goals and dreams. Instead of being annoyed by certain traits such as a friend who takes too many selfies or talks about her pregnancy, baby/children or career too much empower her by pointing out how beautiful and inspiring she looks, how excited you are about her baby, how much you enjoy watching her blossom as a parent and hearing and sharing in the joys and successes of her kids, or how inspired you feel at her determination to succeed at work. Be positive instead of negative in your thoughts, words and intentions, when she is with you and when she is not. 

Support, self esteem and self awareness.  Support your friend and her situation, regardless of her circumstances, while being conscious not to enable bad behaviours, patterns, relationships or choices. Be true to yourself, be aware of yourself, your needs and your values. Be authentically and fully yourself and let your friends know what you need to feel connected.

Optimise. Make the most of any and all time you get with your friends. Don’t spend your time together on your phone or tending to other obligations.

Love and listen. Love yourself and your friends. Listen to your needs, intuition, and their words. Ask questions about them and show interest in their answers. Try not to turn the conversation around to yourself constantly.

Understand. Do your best to understand your friends. This extends to their values, their needs, their situations and circumstances and their feelings. Be conscious of understanding your own self and your own triggers and boundaries too.

Trust and time. Trust the positive intentions of your friends. Don’t go looking for reasons to blame them, look for ways you could improve the situations yourself. Make more time for your friends. Make it a priority to do something positive for your friendships and your social life at least once per week, however small. Let people know you are thinking of them when you can’t make time. Then make some ASAP.

Intimacy. Try to deepen or strengthen your intimacy in your friendships. Identify ways in which your friends feel more connected to you – do they need to be shown attention or asked about themselves? Do they need to feel fun and be invited to events and activities? Do they need you to engage their family? How do you feel more connected and how can you help foster a deeper connection?

Own your part. It is easy to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself, but we all play a role in allowing some situations that make us uncomfortable or upset. If you're focusing on what they can do to help you feel better; tell them and then ask yourself what you can do without them changing anything. You can only control yourself remember. 

New friends and never judge. Be open to making and fostering new friendships. Make a conscious effort not to judge your friends. New or old. Recognise and respect that your values, experiences and beliefs may be different; just listen and support your friends – you don’t need to question them, pressure them or fix them. Perspective allows you to recognise that just because you are right doesn't make someone else wrong. 

Speak and share. Don’t wait to be asked. Offer information about your life. Don’t make people guess what it is that you want to talk about. If something is important to you, be it a health issue, or a work issue, or just that you get to express how your day was, make sure you do. You may think that person should have asked you about whatever it is, but you’ll feel better once you express it and they listen regardless if you were asked or not. Assuming they do listen that is. If not refer to the point about new friends! If you don't speak because you were waiting to be asked or invited to speak, or if you say you are fine when you aren’t, or deflect when people do ask you – ultimately you may wonder why you feel lonely or misunderstood. I am guilty of this; post to coming soon. 

Happy New Year Peoples! Make 2017 Your own! What are your friendship resolutions? 

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Annie Spratt

Can you be friends with your ex?

So once upon a time there lived you, and a person you were fairly crazy about. At some point you imagined a future together and held big hopes that you had finally met your person. Or maybe you didn’t, but they did. Either way, it didn’t quite end up that way for one reason or another…

Maybe you have kids with this person and feel it would be in their best interests to stay friends with the ex. Maybe you or they offered friendship only halfheartedly as a way to soften the break up blow. Perhaps you have been together for so long that co-dependency creeps in making you unable to imagine a future without this person, even if the context is now different. It’s possible that all your friends were mutual and you feel it is for the greater good that you stay friends. For whatever reason, most of us have pondered staying friends with an ex.

In order to give readers some personal context, I should note that the only ex I have been able or willing to maintain a friendship with is female, however I do feel (I hope!) that if circumstances dictated necessity; that I could maintain a friendship with my husband post marriage too.

When I look at my situation with my ex girlfriend, and that of someone currently navigating the waters of being friends with an ex, or a few actually; 3 things stand out.

1. Time and Space. All emotional romantic investment must have dissipated – on BOTH sides. Where it hasn’t; BOTH people must respect the feelings of the other person more than they would any other friend without a shared romantic history. For example perhaps don’t go on and on about your new romance?

In my (admittedly limited) experience it is not possible to slide straight from a romantic context to a platonic one. When my ex, who I am very lucky to still call a close and valued friend, and I, tried to rush straight into friendship it was a disaster. We ended up tangled up in a messy web of hurt and jealousy and even a few more intimacies than platonic friends usually share. Clears throat! haha ;) My ex had the good sense to end it. I don’t know if she meant it when she asked me for “a year’s break” from each other so we could each have the space to figure out what we wanted and rediscover who we were without each other. However she asked me and I respected her enough to oblige. One year - No contact. 

After a year had passed, I contacted her again (I'm nothing if not persistent! A bit like a bad smell perhaps?! haha)  and we began our friendship all over again - on tender hooks. To be honest I don’t know if she thought I wouldn’t contact her again, and I don’t know if she herself would have reached out if I didn’t. It couldn’t be too intimate too soon, and the casual distant friendship that ensued between us as a result was awkward because there was so much intimacy before. Slowly we rebuilt our friendship, it was the only way. I don’t think we would be as close today as we are, if she had not asked for some space. We needed it to heal, grieve, and become ourselves again; she was right. We already knew each other inside out (Literally! Sorry for that mental image! Lol) but we had to learn new ways of interacting…. Which brings me swiftly to point number 2…

2. Boundaries. What was lacking when my ex and I first tried to be friends, was boundaries. Was it still acceptable for me to use her key card, or for her to sleep in my bed if we were now just friends? No. We had been so used to these patterns that it was hard to recognise they were unhelpful in terms of friendships. We could not continue to live together. We could not continue the same intimacies as we shared as a couple – physical, emotional or financial. We had to be 2 full separate people to be friends. We could no longer be co-dependent. For a time, we could no longer be friends at all and it was terrifying not knowing if we would be in each other’s lives at all in the future.

As a friend of mine is currently attempting some friendships with her exes, she struggles with the boundaries that get so easily compromised when we attempt friendships with the ex. Where there are clear boundaries with a person you have never been romantic with, they are not so clear in this situation. Can you live with an ex? If you do, how far should your loyalty to them extend? If you live with them and you also occasionally sleep with them, is it then a relationship again?

Whether you lived together or not; if you both consent and understand the new platonic context, can you still sleep with them without anybody getting hurt? Should you or will this only hold you or them back when you should be moving forward? Should you kiss them at midnight on new year’s?  Why is it so hard to maintain boundaries with an ex?  They certainly trigger us in ways our other friends don’t – passion, anger, jealousy, love, validation.

I am pretty sure my ex and I both understand and respect the new platonic context of our relationship. We do hug, yes, but not lingering hugs. We avoid heavy flirting, although inappropriate jokes here and there still do happen. We can discuss our innermost feelings because that emotional intimacy and trust is still there, and we just know when one of us is not ok. We are there for each other but not overly involved or invested. Boundaries!

I think number 3 is the best reason that my ex and I will stay friends, and why it is likely that my friend to whom I referred in point number 2 will probably manage to make friendship work with her exes. Actually she is currently on her third attempt at a friendship with one particular ex. That sounds crazy, right? I think there has to be something there though that keeps them coming back to each other. Is it Friendship or is it something more?  Watch this space! Whatever it is they clearly like and respect each other. Yes they were lovers, but more than that, they were friends. (Also they have had space after the second failed friendship attempt. Boundaries will determine what happens from here!)

3. Friendship.  The quality of the friendship that existed between you even when you were more than friends. Honestly the main reason it hasn’t happened with my other exes is because I can’t say we had strong friendships within the relationship. Perhaps we had passion and respect and love for each other but essentially without sex holding us together, we just didn’t know how to be together. Sad but true.  Maybe we actually didn’t really like each other that much… which would explain the “EX” factor! Lol.

This has proved true in my experience!

My ex-girlfriend however, was my best friend when we were together. If I had to liken some of my friends to family; she'd be up there.... Because she was a part of my family for many years. She gave so much of herself to me, and for me (and my family.) It took a while to enjoy family events without her at them, and she missed being there too. My family loved her, they still do. So we were able to put aside romance, sex, jealousies and resentments and just be there for each other because we cared enough to. We both wanted our friendship to work enough to make it work. (The hardest part of losing her was losing our friendship.) Rebuilding it was WORK! Even if that meant space, and rediscovering each other and not being as close for a long time. We endured all the uncomfortableness (spell check is telling me this isn't a word, but I'm claiming it!) and pain for each other, because our friendship is worth it. Boundaries and space were hard, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love you chick. You know who you are. I never stopped loving you and I never will. And I love that we have reached that safe space where I can say that to you and just know that you get it! You are still one of my biggest life supporters and this post is for you to honour our friendship. It hasn’t always been easy, but it was worth it. You are worth it. I haven’t always deserved your friendship and loyalty, your support and love. Our friendships is a reflection of the brilliant and forgiving person that you are and it is a gift I will treasure always.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

5 meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season

Yes, I am going to say it. A friendship collage. Ok, I know how immature and outdated that suggestion sounds, but a friend of mine gave me a friendship album last year – an old school friendship album filled with pics of us together, silly selfies we have taken and sent eachother, snap shots of messages we have sent each other, references to private jokes, and a very touching letter from her thanking me for my friendship and describing all the ways I have added value to her life. One of the best, most thoughtful, sentimental and meaningful gifts I have ever received. Also it’s inexpensive, although I imagine it took hours of planning and crafting which makes it even more valuable to me. Almost as valuable as my friend! She is a gift to my life for sure! 

Time. Agree to spend time together at a dinner or a lunch. Put everything else aside, write a nice card and just make your friend a priority. Time is the best gift you can give someone.

Jewellery. Another heart - warming gift I received was a bracelet engraved with the term “Friendship reaches for your hand but touches your heart.” One of my close friends once received one earring. When my friend and the giver of the earring get together they make the effort to wear the matching side, to symbolise their being a pair. You could go the traditional best friend necklace, or each wear a matching chain with a ring engraved with each other’s names. It can be as unique as you are, and doesn’t have to be expensive.

Engraved goods. One year I got someone a make up kit and in it was a silver mirror which I had engraved with the term “Love us” (which is our slogan created largely by auto correct that we have embraced.) I know every time she uses it to look fabulous she will also feel fabulous at the reminder of our friendship!

Tickets for you and your friend to an event, show or day spa for example. Not only are you demonstrating your awesome knowledge of your friends taste in leisure activities, you are also planning an event to spend time together and create memories that will hold your friendship together. (If your friend has kids and it is possible for you to take care of the babysitting arrangements too, you get brownie points!)

Sure you could get her her favourite perfume, “a mixed tape,” a hair straightener, clothes, kitchen things, chocolates or that quirky art piece that you knew she would love, but whatever you give her, make sure it has sentimental value and expresses how much she really means to you. The real value is in the friendships not in the gifts. Thank her for her friendship – it is all the gift she needs.

Wishing you and all your friends all the best this festive season!

 ❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image By Roberto Nickson

Friendship – Terms and expressions of interest and expectation

I have recently had the pleasure of watching a close friend of mine branch out and attempt to make more meaningful connections with new women in her life, after many discussions in which we each acknowledged what powerfully positive relationships female friendships actually are.

It has been a curious journey to document and I notice the main thing that prevents my friend from fully experiencing satisfaction from these new friendships is her expectations of what it means to be a friend. In reflection this has also significantly impacted my own friendships too, and I imagine many of you can relate. I mean, when the term friendship is so subjective, and each person’s definition varies so much, how can we effectively manage our expectations of others, and their expectations of us as friends?

Although there are many valid ways of making friends; in this instance my friend met this new person in her life online. The first thing that stood out to me, when viewing this from an outside perspective, is that my friend instantly referred to the new person in her life as a new friend. This was the definition – before they had even met…. It instantly made me wonder what possible value the word “friend” holds when we use it to describe someone instantly after only one online conversation. When we use the word friend – do we really just use it as a cover all catch phrase to emphasise the non-romantic and non-familial bond we are looking to explore? Perhaps we do… but should we?

If this was a romantic bond forming, would we label someone we had spoken to only once online as a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or lover? It seems unlikely. Why? Because when we are romantically interested in someone we realise that there is a period of spending time with that person for a while first to explore how well we fit into each other’s lives. To explore if our values are similar and to acknowledge that we don’t yet know that person well enough to say if we want them as permanent fixtures in our lives. It would usually be said in these circumstances that we are “seeing” someone, “dating” them or getting to know them more closely. Fair enough. Makes sense, right? (You see where I am going with this don’t you?!)

Why are there no such allowances and subcategories for friendships? Is it less important that we get to know them before we invest? Is it unnecessary that our values match? Do they not need to fit into our lives well? Why does the terminology matter? Expectation – that’s why. When we date someone, we are more open to exploring who a person is, and keep our expectations of them in check as a result. While you may expect a partner to collect you from the airport at 3am for example, you are unlikely to hold the same expectation of someone you are merely dating. Similarly, a person is less likely to expect an organ donation for example from a boyfriend or girlfriend however may hold higher expectations of a husband or wife. A romantic relationship progresses to signify the importance of the person and the relationship, and also to help everyone involved manage their expectations.

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By calling this new person a “friend” so soon, my friend had unacknowledged expectations of friendship, before she had spent enough time with the woman in question to know if she was a good match. This is not my friend's fault, but rather the lack of language around friendship in general. You may refer to the lady at the bus stop as a friend because you discuss the weather twice a week while you wait for the bus, and you use the same term to describe someone so powerfully meaningful to your life that you are not sure how you coped without him or her for the last few years. Ok, you may call the latter a ‘best” friend, but my point is still valid. One person has earned the title and the other is just trying it on for size. If that.

My friend keeps contact with her friends daily, if only to briefly check in. It is one of the ways in which she expresses her friendship. It seems my friend’s “new friend” may find this contact unnecessary or overwhelming – although without addressing it with her directly we are only guessing. What is clear is that while she was engaging before, suddenly she has stopped or changed her level of engagement. My friend and I have discussed at length the possible reasons for this: Could it be exhaustion from working long hours as a manager at a department store near the festive season? Perhaps it had something to do with the Christmas Party they attended together – did my friend say or do something that upset or embarrassed this new person? Does this new person, who happens to be a lesbian woman, have romantic feelings for my friend?  It’s speculation at best.

What we do know is that she was engaging before, then they attended a party together and this new person stopped engaging, and started being distant, then cancelled on pre-arranged plans leaving my friend with expensive tickets to a show and no plus one. (Which I very willingly and happily benefited from! Thanks!) It is important to note prior to this, although communication between the 2 women was frequent and engaging, both parties had cancelled at least once on the other, and my friend had seen this new person cancel plans on others too, but gave it little thought at the time.

My question is: if she had described this person by name, not as a friend or in any other way that implies ownership or references the relationship to self, (eg MY friend, MY ex, MY colleague etc…) would she have better been able to identify that this new person had flaky tendencies and accept that as part of her, or acknowledge she finds this behaviour unsettling and move on?

Why is it, when we make new friends anyway, that there is not a period where we consider leaving the relationship as we would in a romantic context? I suspect it is because most romantic relationships exist on a monogamous level and friendships do not. When we can only choose one person perhaps we are much more selective, but it stands to reason we should be equally selective with friends and acknowledge that not everyone we call a friend has earned the title, nor will they.

Should my friend forgive and forget? Should she have an open discussion about this change? Should she meet distance with distance? Should she end this friendship? All of that is up to her. What I hope she does is spends less time worrying about the disappointment and distance while spending more time cultivating existing relationships or trying more new ones because she is worth it. The most important thing my friend has learned (apart from being mindful to watch her own flaky tendencies) is that this is not a reflection of herself or her worthiness as a friend. It is simply a new person revealing more about who they are, which only happens in time, and any expectation was premature.

Maybe it’s fair to say we can’t really call someone a friend for at least a year; so we have had a chance to experience more of them under a range of different circumstances. Using the term prematurely can leave us feeling disappointed and also trapped in an unfulfilling relationship that perhaps never should have progressed to begin with?  For the first year should we just call people by name instead? And let their behaviour dictate their title in relation to self rather than prematurely projecting our expectations and individual definitions of friendship onto them and then feeling let down?

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Image by Ian Schneider

An open letter to all my ex friends, crushes and lovers

There were those of you who were all 3 of these things at once. You know who you are; Those of you who said “just friends” while interacting with me like lovers and then removing any personal accountability for dashing my romantic expectations by shaming me and blaming my “crush” on you and reinstating the "just friends" rule whenever it suited you.  

There were some of you who were strictly platonic, some who were strictly lovers and even a few who were only ever (unrequited) crushes. This letter is for you.  All of you.

I do remember the good times each of you brought to my life. I don’t regret meeting any of you. Each of you made me feel so good at one point in time, even if it was short lived. I don’t feel the need to thank you for those positive times though. Partly because I like to believe I also made you feel good, happy and positive - even if only for a fleeting moment, and mostly because I know that I thanked you for those times already when you were still in my life.

Now that you are gone; I want to thank you for all the negativity you brought to my life. Yes, to thank you for it!

Thank you for making me feel not good enough so I could learn that I am enough. Not for you, but for myself.

Thank you for not having appropriate boundaries and therefore highlighting my own lack of boundaries, so I could learn how to be responsible for my own boundaries with others. Thanks also for teaching me what my boundaries are.

Thank you for being everything I don’t want so I could identify what I do want.

Thank you for not respecting me or my time, so I could learn to be accountable for my own lack of self-respect and making sure I do respect my time and that of other people.

Thank you for using my low self-esteem to your benefit so I could learn to understand the reasons behind my own questionable choices in allowing you to use me.

Thank you for not treating me the way I wanted and deserved so I could learn what I do want and acknowledge what I do deserve.

Thank you for not responding to my messages and other communications so I had the time and space to learn how to fill the silence with other people and things I do enjoy. You taught me to go where the love is and I no longer lose sleep over it if people don’t respond for 10 minutes, a day, a month, a year - or ever at all.

Thank you for teaching me to listen to what people do not say, and that if someone wants to talk to me – they will.

Thank you for not thinking I was worth more so I could start to question what I thought I was worth.

Thank you for pointing out that I was overweight and unattractive so I could challenge those views and change the parts of me that I didn’t like, not the parts that you didn’t.

Thank you for challenging me to be better, (in an effort to keep you) so I could learn how much better I can actually be if I want to. (Without you!)

Thank you for not making me happy so I could see it was not your job, or anyone else’s job, to make me happy, that I can make myself happy. I learned the meaning of the expression “The trouble in making other people responsible for your happiness is that then you NEED them to be happy.” I no longer NEED anyone; least of all you!

Thank you for letting me down, disappointing me and blaming my lack of “having a life” for my hurt so I could look at my life and how to make it richer, fuller and more satisfying without you in it.

Thank you for hurting me, so I could learn that difficult emotions pass. I now know that feelings are not facts, and I can indeed live without you.

Thank you for not accepting my sexuality so that I could stand up for it. You were proof that if I stand for nothing I fall for anything. In trying to get you to accept it, I also learned to accept and respect it for myself.

Thank you for being ashamed of me, so I could truly understand that this was much more a reflection of yourself than it was of myself; and for also making me see that I was too bright to exist only in the shadows.

Thank you for saying you loved me but not treating me as if you loved me so I could truly know that love is just a 4 letter word without action.

Thank you for not loving me so I could realise it only mattered because I didn’t love me, and that I needed to start.

Thank you for gas-lighting me so much that I lost trust in you and even began to question my sanity and my reality; so I had no choice but to start listening to and trusting the only thing I had left – my intuition.

Thank you for the painful but necessary lessons. Thank you for being my teachers.

Thank you for inspiring me to go on a journey to love myself. To be all that I can be. To be a person I am proud of, a person I like and a person I am learning to love. 

I lost you, but I found something far better; Myself!

I hope you took something away from having known me too. I hope you are happy, because I am. Ironically I think you treated me poorly because you needed to learn these lessons yourself. I no longer love you, but I hope you have found something better, I hope you have learned to love yourself so that you can finally love others.  

Thank you for teaching me that I couldn’t be a person anyone could love until I loved myself. Now I do.

Thank you.  Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Freddy Castro

Convenience; the births, marriages and deaths of friendships!

So many of my friendships, maybe in fact all of them, were developed out of convenience to some degree.

There are the friends I made in childhood, who, conveniently lived nearby and went to the same schools. There are the friends I made at various workplaces, who, conveniently got paid to be in the same building as me every day! (Yay, thanks “employer” for buying me some friends! Lol) There are the friends who had babies around the same time as I did, and were conveniently placed in the same mothers group as me, because we all lived conveniently nearby. There are the friends I met at the local playgroup, who all attended based on its convenience, locality and cheap price tag! There are the parents of my children’s friends and classmates, who all conveniently go to the same school, generally live in the same area and play in the same parks and shop at the same convenience shops.

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I don’t like this theme of convenience, however, I accept its presence and its important role in making friends. I never would have met these people if it wasn’t convenient. Obviously, convenience is only half the battle. We don’t make friends with every person it is convenient to be friends with, because we may not spark well with them, and because being friends with everyone would be inconvenient!

I do know that in school and work settings the convenience factor was huge, and it meant that putting in much effort outside of work or school wasn’t completely necessary. For that reason many of those friendships didn’t last past the end date of the study or employment. It is almost like, in those settings; we often don’t realise the lack of effort we put in until it’s over, and because the pattern was lack of effort, it can be easy to stay true to that.

That is where I start to feel sad when it comes to the convenience factor in friendships, because I start to realise what a huge role it really plays in our lives and how it impacts the roles of certain important people in it. I can recall some instances when a friendship became too inconvenient for me to keep it going, and the effort to maintain it outweighed the rewards of doing so. In those situations it felt only natural and logical to let the friendship end through lack of effort then blame circumstance over choice. I did have a choice though, didn’t I? I made it, and I justified it. We all do.

I can’t say I am too happy when I find myself on the receiving end of this treatment from others. This is especially true if the other person made the changes and they were outside of my control. If they left the job for example, and I didn’t, why should I be the one to make the effort to keep in touch? If they wanted to, they would, right? (Wrong!) Too many friendships are lost by this train of thought. Really, the person who made changes probably has more stuff going on and less time to reach out, so you probably should make more effort, not less. Or even some effort at all. What have you done to show your friend you still want them in your life? (I didn’t ask what they had done, but what YOU had. We can only control ourselves remember.)

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Except if both people have the same attitude.. where does that leave you?? (see next meme) 

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Someone has to make the effort first, right? 

When my closest friend moved away I was unprepared for the changes it brought to our friendship, because suddenly I was less convenient for her than I had been before. It hurts, I won’t lie. I took it pretty personally. I never stopped to consider just how big a factor “convenience” was in our friendship, and it was an ugly feeling that I allowed to take away from a beautiful feeling of friendship that had existed before. Logically speaking, of course it was convenient, that is how friendships are born; where the seeds are planted. Emotionally though, I thought our connection was based on so much more, I believed it was deep enough that nothing as small as convenience would stand in its way. Convenience; I underestimated you!

I am sure my friend doesn’t mean to pull way, and she would likely blame it on circumstance that we have drifted apart somewhat. And she’d be annoyingly right about that…. Still….we both have a choice, don’t we? We can allow circumstance to make our friendship inconvenient, and let it fade because neither of us “has time” to put in the effort, or we can make the effort anyway, and work patiently with whatever reserves of convenience are left, (however small) and find other ways to reach out.

My friend would also probably point out that I have not really put much effort into this friendship since she moved away either, and she’d be annoyingly right about that too. She was the one who made the changes, and I do my best to fit in with her when she can offer me some of her time, however I almost never reach out to her myself anymore. I justify this by claiming she is always so busy, it feels like rejection when she can’t respond to my messages let alone meet up, and also that I don’t want to bother her or pressure her to hang out. I want her to want this as much as I do, based on the emotional connection we share, regardless of convenience.

It’s a valid point, and so is her busy lifestyle as a justification, but that doesn’t make “no effort”  the choice I want to make. She is important to me and my actions should be a reflection of this. They haven’t really been to be honest. Instead of writing this blog, what I should be doing right now is making an effort to keep in touch with my friend and show her I am thinking of her. I can’t make all the effort. I can’t make this friendship work on my own, but as I write this I realise; neither can she. It takes 2 to make it work and it is high time I started putting in some effort where I didn’t have to before, or convenience will be the death of us, and that will have been just as much my choice as hers.

Take responsibility for your choices ladies, and make sure your actions represent your values. If you value your friendship, what have you done to show it? If convenience is still the death of your friendship, at least you will be able to look back and know it wasn’t your choice, and accept that perhaps she never acknowledged it was a choice at all.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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......Or for me? 

For better or for worse.... 11 ways social media is impacting the quality of your friendships!

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Yay! Finally! Be my friend? Please?!!! hehe 

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When everyone is "too busy" to hang out but you see them all on social media.... 

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No. Just. No!!!!

Anyone else have a crazy cat lady in their lives?!

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Social media does help my friends and I stay in touch with current events, each other and does provide many laughs indeed!

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Who's selfie do you think this is?  I'm going with the cat... 

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ok, who gets 513 messages? I'm obviously very unpopular if this is normal! haha

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Come on now, it IS true?! 

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Thumbs up or thumbs down?! 

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Is this like the internet version of conversations in interpretive dance? Lol 

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I mean, you probably shouldn't, but you can. Better for one and worse for the other! 

Social media has it's well earned place in our lives and I would never deny you your guilty pleasure. That said, if you keep showing up in real life, you shouldn't find yourself being deleted online. Equally if your friends keep showing up for you in real time then you shouldn't find yourself obsessively stalking them on social media. Keep it real people, keep it real!

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Relationships versus Friendships; I "divorced" my bridesmaid!

Let’s talk about our relationships with men!

At the risk of sounding like a man hating lesbian..... (I'm neither a lesbian nor a man hater, honestly!) So. Many. of my female friendships have been damaged by men! Ok, technically it isn’t his fault, it is how the woman in the scenario handles herself after she begins a relationship with him. (Assuming she is hetero. Same applies if she isn't but it didn't fit my funny man hater bit! Lol)  Is there such a thing as a woman hating lesbian I wonder?! Lol

When women are single, they need their friends. Their friends support them, entertain them, love and guide them. Their women friends are the ones they turn to if a relationship fails, and usually the first ones they turn from if it succeeds.

Ok, ok. I get it. She is IN LOVE! Or maybe she’s just in LUST, but even so, that is an exciting feeling her platonic partners just can’t spark in her. Fair enough. Most of us have experienced this overwhelming magnetic pull to our lover (regardless of gender) and have probably given in to the temptation to skip plans with our friends, or just decline or avoid making them in favour of spending time being all loved up with that special someone. It is probably some primitive instinct and as such will be hard to fight.

If you are friends with a single woman, or if you are both single, it’s probably a good idea to discuss your values about family and relationships. It may give you an indicator of what level of friendship you can expect from her if and when she (or you) meets a romantic partner in the future. While this conversation should point at where she expects her values to lie, always remember that it may well depend on the person she meets and his situation too. (My polite way of saying she may meet a loser! haha) 

A woman may tell you before she meets someone that she would never ditch her friends when she gets into a relationship and she doesn’t understand women who do, however she may then go on to meet a possessive partner who makes it difficult for her to enjoy her friends. She may meet someone who doesn’t realise you aren’t HIS (or HER) friend and always expects to be invited along. She may meet an individual with an extensive family life that keeps her so busy that she simply has less time to offer. Or she may simply like them so much more than she ever thought possible and suffer a borderline addiction to them. Either way this new romance is going to consume her and A LOT of her time.

It is for this reason I also suggest you look closely at how much of her time you currently occupy. If your contact with each other is quite frequent, it stands to reason she is going to have to reduce that time to make room for someone else. Or if you typically have movie night on typical date nights, such as over the weekends, that's reasonably unlikely to continue. The closer you are, the likelier it is that you spend more time together; which makes the blow that much harder when you are the first person who hits the proverbial chopping block as soon as a romance comes along for her.

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Another thing to be mindful of is her past behaviour. A woman may even directly tell you “In the past I ditched my friends in favour of my partner and I will never make that mistake again.” Maybe she wont, but I’d be cautious as it tells you something about her values in relationships. Even if she doesn’t directly tell you, if you ask about her previous friends and what happened to them, if her answers are vague such as “we just kinda drifted apart after I met (insert name of ex-partner here)…” That also tells you that she was happy to let the friendship fade out of her life once she was in a relationship. For a divorced woman who is no longer in contact with her (ex?)bridesmaid, it is an even bigger red flag! I say that as someone who is not divorced from her husband, but is “divorced” I suppose you could say, to a bridesmaid! Red Flag! Haha

Was our split directly related to my husband? No. Not directly. That said; romance did indeed drive a wedge between us after she got married herself. My friend’s husband was a tradie, so he came home in the afternoons about 2pm. My friend HAD to be home to greet him. I doubt this was his demand, but more so, I guess, that she wanted to be home to greet him! (shock horror?! lol) He worked Saturday mornings too, til around 1pm. My own husband works shift work, 12 hours at a time, and every second weekend.

My friend and I had both welcomed a firstborn into the world, and equally struggled with the adjustment this makes to your life, your time and your identity, not to mention your friendships.  Due to the year age difference in our kids, early on at least, catch up’s during the day became a logistical nightmare, as each child was a “home napper” and because they didn’t nap at the same times, we were not available to be in the same place at the same time. Our weekly catch up’s soon became fortnightly and then monthly. (Depending on how often one of us was prepared to sacrifice nap time. For new mums this is a BIG deal! Seriously! Lol) Eventually she disclosed that she was feeling isolated and in an effort to be there for her more, I offered to come and visit her (a 45 minute drive away) when her husband was at work on a Saturday morning, on a fortnightly basis when my husband was home to watch our son. She agreed to this and it went well for a while…. Until her husband stopped working Saturdays, or started finishing earlier and earlier….

My friend refused to make herself available to me any time her husband was available to her. (Despite me sacrificing time with mine to be there for her every fortnight!)  She would make a concession for a birthday or some other important event, but not just for some quality time. If she was going to be away from him, there needed to be an important reason behind it. This started to grate on me, and I addressed the issue with her. She basically told me, almost in these exact words; that I was jealous, and  I clearly didn’t love my husband as much as she loved hers because I was prepared to leave him at home with my son to visit her when she wanted to spend every moment possible with her husband. (Also that I was in love with her, but that is another topic all together... and for the record I am (and so are my other non straight counterparts) sick of the accusation straight ladies! Just because I value you and enjoy your company enough to prioritise it on a regular basis; it means I love you! It does NOT mean I am in love with you! Ok? And even if I am, aside from it being really cruel to then throw it in my face, why does it only become a problem when you are romantically engaged elsewhere and I still want some of your time and attention? Think about it! It's unfair to use my identity against me (only) when it suits you. And it hurts! And it doesn't embarrass me nearly as much as your ego is embarrassing you! Anyway, I digress...) 

I took this accusation of loving my husband "less" pretty hard, and the friendship didn’t survive. What I came to learn as more and more of my single friends paired up though, is that this is considered NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE behaviour. It is still not something I understand. My husband and I are TWO people, not one, and we each have a life and interests outside of the other. My husband knew when he met me that I was a social creature, and this is part of what I need to make me happy. I understand that he has a higher need for alone time and so our arrangement works for us. (I would still do it even if he didn't like it because I am my own person before I am his wife or anything else!) I certainly wouldn’t say I love my husband LESS because I spend time socialising without him, I would say I love him MORE because he gets it, and he knows how much time I do choose to give him too. 

Alas, I am not in the majority. The experts advise (I may have offered the same advice myself actually) that you should seek friends in similar circumstances to yourself. There is some merit to it. If you are single, then singe friends will have the time and energy to give you a more fulfilling friendship than a married person, because they have the same free time and similar needs as you. The thing is, single women don’t stay that way forever… usually. It also means making friends with married women, the same as I am, is near impossible because nobody wants to go out for an evening if her husband is home, and if he isn’t, who will watch the kids? Yes, I have made friends with other partnered women who also don’t work or work from home or shift work etc… and yes I am a proud “lady who lunches” however it is still limiting. I can’t help but feel restricted in these friendships because I know it is largely based on convenience and the moment I am no longer convenient I can say my goodbyes. (Post on "convenient friendships" coming soon!) 

I value the friends, who I know will be there for me occasionally, for no good reason other than a fun day or night out, even if her partner is home. The ones who want to get away from him (or her!) for a moment and have a platonic girls night out. The ones who even suggest it sometimes! I have accepted that most of the time a woman wants to spend her time building her life with her romantic partner, and I do try not to burden my friends by asking them for time they believe is rightfully their significant other's.  Still, how nice would it be to feel your company was not a burden even if it isn’t as convenient as it used to be?

For the ladies in relationships; make a point to still spend time with your friends when your partner is home. Please? It doesn’t have to be often, but the gesture will not go unnoticed and it helps your friend (especially if she is single) feel important to you, and helps her be more understanding that you have less free time for her but will offer her some of it!

For the single ladies, or the married ones who share values similar to my own; recognise that your friend means no harm. She does not question this behaviour; her values tell her this is normal, and it IS what she wants. It makes her happy. HE (or SHE) makes your friend happy. Try to be supportive of the relationship (maybe even spend time with them both together?) and be grateful of any time your friend offers you even if it is when her partner is unavailable. After all - it must mean something that you are still the first person she thinks of when she has some free time? And remember it isn’t personal! It's not! It is about him, and her, and their combined situation and relationship values. Just because yours are different to hers, doesn’t make somebody wrong!

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For everyone; Have friends you like, regardless of gender or relationship status, and make time for them regardless, yeah?  This post is called Relationships versus Friendships, but how about we stop making it a competition? Each have their place and value. There must be room for both to co-exist peacefully? If not, make some room. It's really that simple. We all have to share! :) 

❤❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever

xx

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5 simple steps to become a better friend; to yourself!

Step 1: Set aside at least half an hour a day, (or a week if that is more realistic) to spend completely on your own if you can. If you can’t do that, try getting half an hour before the other people in your house wake up or after they go to sleep. This is not a time for screens or other forms of entertainment. This is a time for quiet reflection; a time for you to actually hear your own thoughts and become comfortable with the silence. If you can’t stay still, use this time to take a walk, or do some yoga; your mental and physical health will thank you for it. 

Image by Lena Bell

Step 2: Take yourself on dates; If you’re uncomfortable at first go out for coffee or cake (or both?!)  or whatever other small treats you enjoy. Work up to lunch or a movie, or even both, all by yourself. There’s no need to miss out if you have no plus one. You are a whole number on your own!!!! Pamper yourself. Take yourself for a massage or facial, or to get your nails done. If the budget allows it take yourself to a hotel for the night, order room service and massages and read magazines, listen to music and enjoy your favourite cocktail or a sundae in the spa. Sleep in!!! If the budget is a bit smaller, spend a night in your home alone, eat your favourite snacks, have a bath with candles, watch DVD’s or trashy television and give yourself a little makeover. You are worth it.

Image by Nomao Saeki

Step 3: At least twice a week take the time to ask yourself – “what has been going on with you, and how have you been feeling about it?” Take the time to journal your answers.
Practice forgiveness with yourself first and foremost. Instead of being critical, change that self-talk to “I forgive you because I love you, we all make mistakes.” If you wouldn’t say it about a friend and wouldn’t like them to say it to you, don’t say it to yourself. Ever! Stay honestly connected to yourself. This may be the most important one!

Image by Aaron Burden

Step 4: Set SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time- based) goals for yourself and help yourself achieve them. Remember that you and you alone can achieve your goals. Celebrate your successes (be proud of your achievements) and be accountable and forgiving of any setbacks. Do not make excuses. Make time or make excuses, the choice is yours. So is the outcome! "Future you" will thank "current you" for the effort.  Make one small step towards your goals every day if you can or at least every week. Check and journal your progress and any ideas you have to help further yourself.

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Step 5: Say no to others whenever you want to, without justifying or over explaining. No is a complete sentence. Say yes to yourself as often as you can, but only if the "yes" brings you further towards your goals and not away from them. In that case saying no to yourself is equally as important as saying no to others!

Image by Andy Tootell

It’s all about balance. Spend as much time alone as you need to without feeling lonely and as much time with others as you need to without feeling drained. Too much of either one can become addictive, and a way to avoid yourself or others. We may be so busy that we crave time alone, yet feel uncomfortable with the silence. Alternatively we may spend so much time alone that we crave company, however don’t know how to seek it or let social anxiety ruin it.

The idea is that you get comfortable spending time on your own so you aren’t let down when people cancel, decline or are too busy for you. Assuming you already know and accept it isn’t about you personally; there is no need for dwelling or negative self-talk. It can be an opportunity to spend some time catching up with yourself, and enjoy whatever it is you love, all on your own. It will probably help you be a better, more forgiving, understanding and patient friend to others too. Think of it this way; if you don't enjoy your own company, who will? And if you like yourself, others will take your word for it and follow suit.

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Morgan Sessions

Don't be a ghost or a zombie in your friendships.

The term “Ghosting” is starting to pop up more and more in casual conversation. Ghosting is usually used in context to dating and romantic relationships and is generally a term used by women to describe the lack of a break up conversation or closure from the person she was dating...(who she may or may not still be dating.....) She doesn’t actually know because the other party won’t say. Most often they won’t confirm or deny it, they just won’t say anything at all.  

Women are outraged when men use this technique to end things with them. Not only are they outraged, they are often hurt, anxious, confused, and full of self doubt and worry as a result of this treatment. They are quick to call the perpetrator of such an act gutless, among other unspeakable derogatory terms!

The thing is, women are shocked when men (or women for those of us that way inclined) use this tactic, and are kinda unsure how to handle it. The term ghosting has appeared in pop-culture as though this is a new phenomenon….. It isn’t.

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Perhaps our male counterparts are just catching on, but the fact is that women have been using ghosting against one another, (and against men too) for probably as long as humans have existed! Men are simply using our own weapon against us! While this is NOT a good thing; the good thing about it is that it brings the concept into conversation. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge....

As women are notoriously good at avoiding confrontation, it shouldn’t come as a big surprise that we are the ones who started this! Maybe men have watched us do this to each other, and decided it is effective! Have we taught them that saying nothing at all is kinder than saying a painful goodbye? That hearing nothing hurts less than hearing a hard truth? Does it? 

When women hurt, we use silence as a weapon. The best indicator of a female friend split is when the 2 women are not talking to each other. It is often unclear who stopped talking to who (or why,) leaving one or sometimes even both parties with more questions than answers. The reason we don’t ask of course, is because we are afraid of the answers. The truth hurts sometimes. It is just as hard to speak it as it is to hear it. So we do neither. Naturally?!....

Women in particular have been taught that a lady is “nice and friendly” at all costs. We have all heard the expression “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all?!” Well that is exactly what women do, because there is nothing nice or friendly about breaking up with a friend. It is unfriendly in nature; that’s the whole point. Essentially this teaching means we don’t say anything at all - because it reflects badly on us as ladies if we do?! It's a bit ridiculous when you think about it, right? I mean it still stands true that "actions speak louder than words" and our silence will hurt more than any words spoken ever could. Why does this choice not reflect badly on us?

How we think that silence and avoidance is somehow better than a clear and simple ending, I don’t know. Not giving someone an answer or closure is pretty unkind and unfriendly. We have no problem being unfriendly,  we just don't want to say anything unfriendly. So we leave the words unspoken... It’s evil genius really! Lol

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Ghosting not only removes the power from the person on the receiving end, and leaves them questioning and doubting themselves and their worth; it also doesn’t give the person being ghosted enough credit for their maturity and ability to hear/handle the truth and move on accordingly. Even if a person can’t handle the truth, that’s likely because they have never had to hear it before?! Is it your place to tell them? Maybe not. I think you need to tell them something though, like the fact that you wish to be free of them perhaps? How much you should tell them about your reasons possibly gets a bit unclear... 

One thing is clear though; we are right when we say ghosting is gutless. Let’s have the courage of our convictions ladies??! If you have something to say to someone – say it. Making them guess is less kind than we allow ourselves to imagine until we experience it for ourselves. Mean what you say and say what you mean. (Do not be MEAN!)

One of the reasons we avoid confrontation is fearing the response or the consequences. How someone reacts to you ending things with them is a reflection of themselves, not of you. If you have been clear that you want space or for things to end, you are entitled not to respond to them further after that. It doesn’t have to be a conversation. They don’t have to agree with you. You can only control yourself. (If you can do that, you are already ahead of the game! Lol) 

Let go of the idea that one unkind word/gesture defines you. It doesn't. 

Speaking your truth means holding on to your power; not taking it away from someone else. The words may be hard to say, and hurtful to hear, but goodbye is just one word, and at least it is clear!

Remember you don’t need to explain yourself, justify yourself or blame your friend. You can simply say that you are not interested in continuing the friendship for personal reasons (whatever your reasons are – they are personal) but that you respected the person and her friendship enough to at least say goodbye and wish her well?

The other main reason we avoid endings is because it leaves our options open in the future to come back into a person's life. The newest term for this is "Zombie-ing." It's not a pretty reflection at all...

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Don't do it. Just don't. Let's stop this now before it becomes a zombie apocalypse? Lol :/

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Women SUCK at breaking up…. With each other! How to do better!

Ok, so as a person who has encountered both romantic and platonic endings with women, I find myself in a unique position to compare the 2 experiences. the main differences I see between a romantic relationship and a platonic friendship are: the lack of sex and the lack of honest endings!

In a romantic setting, it is fairly well accepted that there is a level of monogamy that is expected in the partnership, and should you wish to explore your other options, an ending of your current relationship will be required. While I, and many women like me, will go to great lengths to avoid nasty confrontations with people of either gender, this particular type of confrontation is expected, anticipated and endured for the greater good of everyone involved. Now, that is not meant to indicate that ghosting and a lack of ending/closure never happens in a romantic setting, because indeed it does and it’s becoming more frequent! (Post on Ghosting to come.)

In a platonic setting, it is widely accepted that while loyalty is expected to some degree, monogamy is not. Most of us have more than one friend and hopefully continue making more as life takes us on new paths. So this means technically we are always free to explore new beginnings without ending the relationships that already exist. Not only does this mean we enter platonic friendships without the expectation that they will need to officially end at some point, it also means we often don’t feel it is necessary to end them at all. That said, they do indeed end.

In a romantic setting, the breakup is unpleasant, however not particularly unexpected as in most cases, we can probably see that the relationship has been struggling. Regardless of if a person was the “dumper” or the “dumpee” in a romantic relationship, after some time both parties usually come to a place of relief about the ending, and both parties understand and respect that the relationship is no longer. (Usually!! I said usually people!! Lol) Sure, sometimes people simply downgrade the relationship to a more platonic level (or at least promises of friendship are made….note to self, write a post on friendships with the ex.) When these downgrades happen however, we acknowledge it verbally. This is not the case when the original context of the relationship was platonic.

When the original context of the relationship was friendship, a breakup often blindsides one party completely and they may have not seen any signs that the relationship was in trouble. Of course, this depends on the exit strategy of the “dumper.” If the woman who wants to end the friendship chooses what I refer to as “the slow fade out method” then it is less of a surprise to the dumpee when the relationship eventually stops altogether.  The slow fade out involves less frequent contact, less invitations, (or more group invitations and less one on one invitations,) and the dumper becomes basically the busiest person on the planet… (To avoid you and your friendship. Ouch.) This method is effective in a few ways, being that it is usually the person being dumped who technically ends the friendship; either through confrontation or a gradual acceptance and a lack of effort to keep the friendship alive. Effectively the dumper may even come off as the “victim” in this scenario at worst, and at best avoids accountability for the break up. She never directly tells you the friendship is over, she lets you decide that on your own. Her conscience is clear. It shouldn’t be, but it is! It also has the added benefit for the  dumper that because she never officially ended it, her options remain open to resurrecting the friendship at a later stage if she wants to, no questions asked.... 

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In the dumper's defence (and I have been her) the woman who uses the slow fade out may not have consciously decided she wants the friendship to be over. (However; when confronted, she really needs to decide if this is the case.) It is possible that she simply met someone else – usually a romantic partner (although by no means always,) with whom she prefers to spend her time. She may have suddenly experienced a life change and found herself with less time for any of her friendships due to new responsibilities. She may be experiencing mental health issues and generally withdrawing from everyone in her life. Or, yes, she may have decided to label you as “toxic” and is consciously ending the friendship.

Some psychologists actively encourage this method for ending friendships. If you do a quick Google search of it; you will find women asking for advice on how to end friendships and being told by the experts to 'be busy and dilute the friendship with other people, initiating longer time between contact, lack of intimate conversation and avoidance in general.' While this may indeed be sound advice for the dumper, it does not take into consideration the feelings of the dumpee. In my experience the slow fade out is the worst exit. (As the dumpee that is…) You can feel it coming and it’s like pure torture trying to reconcile your feelings about it in relation to what you thought was a healthy happy friendship. It can leave a person questioning themselves, reliving conversations and looking for clues and ways to blame themselves, while being equally worried about the person who is effectively dumping them. (Interestingly; the dumper is not worried about the dumpee at all, or even believes she is being kinder this way.) This is enough to drive a person crazy, not to mention the insanity the dumpee feels if she tries to address this fading out with the dumper. The fade out is denied, brushed off and swept away by the word busy, and the dumpee is left questioning if she is imagining this, if her expectations are too high, if she is being needy etc…. It’s really cruel. Much crueller than just telling her “Yeah, I need some space from you right now…” Those words will hurt, but at least they are clear and confirm that the person can trust her intuition. Removing a person’s ability to trust her intuition and altering her reality to suit yourself is like psychological torture. It’s essentially “gaslighting” and we do it to each other all the time?! It’s not cool ladies, let’s stop!

So what are the alternatives? The most common alternative to the slow fade out method is "ghosting" - whereby the dumper abruptly stops responding to any contact from the dumpee. All calls, texts, emails, letters and visits are received by a stone cold wall of silence. This may be followed by (or even instigated with) an unfriending on social media. Ghosting deserves a whole post of its own. For the purpose of this article let’s sum it up like this:

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The problem with these methods is that they are dishonest and allow the dumper to avoid the discomfort of holding herself accountable for the hurt she is causing the dumpee, and denying her closure. Why are more experts not telling women facing friendship issues to say to their friends “I just can’t be the friend you need right now.” Why not encourage us to be honest, and face the fact that yes, our decision is hurting someone? (And that this doesn’t make us terrible people?!!! It happens.)

My advice? Use these methods if you must, (maybe she feels the same way and the friendship will die a mutual unspoken death) but if the dumpee confronts you about it; own up. Be honest and kind; keeping in mind she will remember your words for a very long time, and that you once considered this person a friend. I know it sounds like an oxymoron to be kind when breaking up with someone, but it is possible. (Example: “You’re right that I haven’t been giving you the time and attention you need. I guess I just can’t be the friend that I was, the friend that you need right now. Sorry to let you down, but I don’t see this changing anytime soon. I have enjoyed our friendship and I do hope you can find someone else who can meet your needs.” No excuses, no justifications, no blame.) Even if the dumpee is still devastated, (and she will be,) she will get over it much quicker than if you deny her the grieving process altogether by denying your exit or not acknowledging it at all. Sure, maybe you think she deserves it, but you want to look back and feel that you handled it in a way you are happy with. You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control yours.

Have I always followed this advice? No, and that’s how I know it is sound advice!! I have experienced slow fade outs, ghosting and some nasty unkind confrontations full of blame and justifications and basically poisonous word vomit. I have been the dumpee and the dumper in all situations.  I know our intentions are for the most part kind, (I said for the most part! Lol) or even unconscious or reactional, but if we have enough integrity to be clear and upfront when ending a romantic relationship, don’t our friendships deserve the same respect?

Breaking up with someone IS unkind, but YOU don’t have to be. Think about it. Let’s do better?

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves!

You are probably familiar with the expression “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” The well-meaning slogan represents the importance that friendships hold, and the fact that we hold our friends close to our hearts - as close as our nearest and dearest family.

However, that is not always the case. Countless studies have found that friendships consistently rank among the lowest priorities in people’s busy lives and family pretty consistently rank the highest.  In which case I beg to differ. Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves. They are NOT family!

Friends can be the extra layer of support we need, because at times we can tell a friend things we don’t feel able or ready to disclose to family yet. Why is this? Because a friend isn’t as invested in the outcomes of our lives as family is. (To be fair our parents gave up a lot of themselves to have us, so their investment and inability to see us fully as a separate people to them is understandable… sorry mum! Lol She would  point out that we also never really see our parents as people separate to us either. Touché. haha) Friends love us with a degree of separation that allows them to be happy for us (instead of worrying for example that we are rushing into something, taking on too much responsibility or too much financial risk/spending, or stand to get considerably hurt etc…)
Similarly; friends can support us when things do inevitably go wrong; without being significantly impacted by our circumstances. For the most part, their lives go on as normal when things do go wrong for us, while we tend to lean more heavily on family for any housing, caring, financial or medical supports we find ourselves requiring.

Family are more invested and more impacted by our choices, and as such we are heavily influenced by their feelings, thoughts and opinions of our lives. Family love is the strongest (in most cases,) but also the most constricting. Family is a love you are born into, or brought into - usually without any choice in the matter yourself! It isn’t about you specifically.  It exists, and with it exists a sense of duty, obligation, and pressure.

Yes our family love us – but sometimes it feels as though they love us because they have to, not because they would have loved us or chosen us anyway under different circumstances. They love you, but it doesn’t always mean that they like you. It is the most unconditional form of love, yes, but somehow it doesn’t always feel unconditional. It is easy for our identity to become enmeshed with the family, and we can lose sight of who we are and what we want - in favour of who they think we should be and what they want for us. And that’s just the family you are born into or raised with…. Then comes the family you make for yourself with your own children, partner and in-laws for example. During a recent parenting workshop I attended, I was told this:

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No Pressure?! Lol

To the world you are a mother, but to your family you are the world? The world? The whole world?? Yeah… No pressure, right?  Which brings me to the next point about friends NOT being family. There are no set rules or roles for a friendship. No beginnings, no formal acknowledgements or ceremonies and certificates, no endings, no legalities and no standard guidelines on how to be a "good friend." (No workshops! Lol) No real pressure. Being a "good friend," it would seem, depends entirely on the definition of such from the person you are good friends with! While one of my friends describes her ideal best friends as “other nice mums where we do things for each other such as babysitting and going for coffee” another describes her ideal best friend as “someone I can really talk to, who listens and keeps my confidences, who understands me, doesn’t judge me and also shares her secrets and worries with me.”

How people define what makes a good friend is likely to depend on their circumstances. A very busy person is likely to value someone who doesn’t require much time and attention, whereas someone who has more free time will value friends who have more time to spare. A person with a good family support network will probably not expect as much physical support from friends such as babysitting or transport for example, and may become easily overwhelmed by a person who doesn’t have that strong family support and therefore searches to have those needs met in friendships.

Friendships are essentially relationships of convenience, and what we value in a friend will usually reflect what we can reasonably expect to give or ask for ourselves.  In family relationships we expect to give and receive much more regardless of the inconvenience it may present.

Just because friendships are relationships of convenience though, does not mean they are never inconvenient! That said, unlike family ties, you can easily choose to exit old relationships and make newer ones anytime you like, there is not an expectation that you have to 'make it work' or that you are “stuck” dealing with these people for life. Not many people will question you or hold you accountable for ending a friendship, however you choose to do it. Ending a familial relationship is a much heavier decision and will come with some societal judgements.

What a double edged sword is the optional nature of friendships! While it hurts when friendships do end, and often comes as somewhat of an unexpected blow to at least one party, the fact that friendships are optional extras is exactly part of their appeal. We are not playing an expected 'role' in a friendship. These are the relationships where we really explore who we are as individuals outside of the family. We can push boundaries and make mistakes and explore our personal values through trial and error. These are the relationships that truly help us discover ourselves. Where we perfect the reflection we see of ourselves – our self-image. If we change, we can change the friends around us to suit! We are not expected to stay the same forever and that offers a unique freedom. As our friends like, love and respect us, we learn to like, love and respect ourselves. Friendships are pivotal to our self-esteem and self-worth. Powerful.

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Friendships are the most validating relationships in my opinion. Friends are people who love us, just because they do. Because they value us, they like us, they enjoy our company for no reason at all apart from seeing our value as good people. They don’t HAVE to, they just do! Most of the time they don’t get anything out of it either, they just like us. Even in romantic relationships, physical intimacy of some degree is usually given or expected in return for the relationship and the validation, not to mention lifestyle, it offers as a result. It’s still somewhat "transactional" at its core. (spell check is telling me to stop making up words! Lol)   In a relationship we have to make certain sacrifices to become a ‘we” and let go of being “just me.” This is not so in friendships. Friends validate us in a way family can’t. Family relationships contain pressure, you want to win their approval, or expect them to consider yours. In friendships you already have approval, just as you are, just because you are awesome already. And you are!

As I transitioned into motherhood myself at 26, I felt ready and mature enough to handle this. Ha! I started to notice pretty quickly though, how irrelevant my identity had become. Instead of asking me how I was, people asked how my son was. I almost never talked about anything other than him, although I wanted to, the opportunities were small.  It had become my sole purpose in life to take care of somebody else, and I felt so guilty for the longing I had to be away from the role and to just be myself. (Post on how babies affect friendships to come!) Family is full of responsibility and the things we have to do. Friendships are what nurture our soul and where we get some choice in what we WANT to do.  

Something I really learned when I had children of my own, is that when it comes to family; you play a role - often many at once. In friendships; the only role you play is yourself. That is the true beauty in friendships. I am never more myself (and just myself – not a wife or a mother or a daughter) than when I am with my friends. While I am always all of those things, my friends don’t care if I am any of them. They don’t mind how successful I am, how rich or poor, or messy or neat, or if I parent in the same way as them. They care if I am happy, and happy for them.  The parenting workshop I mentioned earlier also states children need adults to “delight in them.” Well, adults need that too, and that is where friendships come in. My friends are the people that delight in me, and I certainly delight in them.

Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves. They are not Family. That’s the whole wonderful point! Do you agree? 

❤ Love, 

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Friendship is a choice and you were chosen! :) 

Are your friendships exclusive or inclusive? Can they be both at the same time?

We humans are social creatures, and a sense of belonging is important to our self-esteem. Nothing says belonging more than belonging to a group friendship. The general idea of a group friendship is that all parties feel close, welcome and equal, and included; however experience has taught me that this is rarely the case.

I should probably mention that I prefer one on one friendships. I enjoy the intimacy and trust they foster, allowing you to really share and listen to each other and be fully present. As someone who falls more on the introvert end of the spectrum, I find group gatherings exhausting and often leave feeling like I saw everyone, yet spoke to no one! It makes very little difference if the gathering was my own or someone else’s. In group situations I usually find I am talked over, frequently interrupted or easily dismissed mid-sentence when distractions occur, which often happens in group settings. This is especially true if alcohol is added into the mix. To be fair you often can’t hear what anyone says over the music anyway! Lol

My friends are good people and I enjoy each of them individually, yet somehow in a group setting the imbalances seem more obvious. We do all feel close, yet it is obvious some pairings are closer than others and I almost always find there is a “leader” of the group; which kinda instantly detracts from the equality that supposedly exists, don’t you think?

The good aspects of group friendships and gatherings is that everyone generally has a lighter time, and feels included. We all enjoy feeling popular with others, and a group setting is very conducive to this. Perhaps you are only popular with the 4 people in the group, but most of us prefer that to feeling unpopular and alone. (Even though I often feel somewhat invisible to an extent in a group setting, it is true to say I still like to be invited and do enjoy these gatherings on an infrequent basis.)

Group friendships often originate in group settings, such as school or work, giving the members of the group instantly something in common. By the time you reach your mid 30’s, if you get together with a group of existing friends, the chances are most of you don’t actually have too much in common anymore. In my own group of friends there are religious women, and atheists; Married women, unmarried but partnered women, and single women; Parents and the childless by circumstance or choice; Women who work and those who stay home; Bigger women and smaller women; Women who drink and those who are in recovery from alcohol addiction; Straight, gay and bisexual women; Women who like to dance the night away and women who prefer a movie and a quiet dinner…. The list goes on…. I can more easily list the things we don’t have in common than the things we do, that much is clear.

Because of these differences, you have to manage your conversation topics carefully in this environment. You must to be aware that something a friend has discussed with you may not have been discussed with the other women there; While also laughing along with it if personal disclosures are made to the group when you had hoped to keep the information private! This requires everyone in the group to trust the good intentions of the others, and manage any jealousy that may arise when it is obvious that two or more people there are closer to one another than either of them is to you.

Friend poaching can also become an issue. As mentioned earlier, in some group friendships there is an obvious leader of the group. While the other members do like one another, what they really have in common is their friendship with said leader; and the boundaries can become unclear. Is it okay for us to friend each other on social media? Are we allowed to see other members of the group without the leader being present? Can we actually call the other members our friends? While the leader cannot really directly forbid this, she usually wont encourage it. Many a time the leader has found herself excluded from her own exclusive group by initiating a group friendship to begin with. The changing dynamics of group friendships are one of the good things about them, but that can be a double edged sword if your friends actually do genuinely make a strong connection with each other. This is an especially risky manoeuvre if there are only three of you in the group. If you successfully pull this off, and it stays the three of you, it almost always has a tendency to feel like two plus one, even if the position of the third wheel is interchangeable. This is a recipe for resentment, and trouble.

In my experience of group friendships; there needs to be a certain level of expectation (or at least acceptance) that the other members of the group will discuss you behind your back, in both a positive and a negative light. Gossiping and oversharing of confidences are common place. It is also wise to keep a certain level of awareness that if you have a falling out with one of the group members, one of you will likely find yourself off the invite list pretty quickly. Nobody expects it to be them. Be prepared. Everything you do and say can and will be used against you in these circumstances! And you can forget about anybody keeping your secrets! This is especially true if the group has a level of exclusivity to it, like a clique. Acceptance feels grand, and people have been known to get a feeling similar to a drug induced high when feeling involved, included and accepted. However the higher you get, the further the fall! Even if you felt you were extremely close to certain members of the group, you can expect to find them distancing themselves in favour of popularity. There is strength in numbers. Remember, even the leader can find herself falling from grace! Nobody is immune.

Another issue I encountered as a member of a group friendship was the expectation (of mine) that I was an equal member. Finding out (by accident) that the group has been planning a girls weekend away without you (for example,) can leave you questioning your relationships with the group as a whole, the individuals themselves and with yourself!  It doesn’t much matter if the reasons were because of you personally or the group just voted in favour of inviting someone else who wasn’t your biggest fan….. If the group voted and you weren’t there, what else have you been missing? The trust is gone. Therefore so are the friendships. Watching the group carry on without you is extremely painful. Do everything you can to move on and not watch this.

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In my personal situation, after the “girls weekend thing” happened, the member I had known the longest had the audacity to question my loyalty. SHE questioned MY loyalty?!  (After planning a SECRET group trip with without me?!!) This happened after I discussed how hurt I was not be invited to a recent event in her home. (With the same people. Yeah… I should have seen it coming in hindsight… not the sharpest tool in the shed am I?) As she had actually told me in advance that the other event was happening and I was not invited, I guess she felt that not telling me about the next thing I was also not invited to was more convenient than dealing with the nuisance of my hurt feelings twice in a row. Unfortunately for her I found out anyway, and the rest is history… literally!!

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Could I have handled this better? Yes. Undoubtedly I could have. However bullying by exclusion is rife in group friendships and I refuse to have any part in it. Group friendships are exclusive, and perhaps that is my whole point!

I am not against group friendships in principal, however they should be open and inclusive not closed and exclusive. I also learned the hard way not to place all your friendship eggs exclusively in one group friendship basket. If all your friends form part of a group, you may want to nurture some friendships that are outside of it too. Not only does this allow you to grow as a person and explore people who the group would not usually associate with, it also means you won’t be totally lonely if you do find yourself excluded from the exclusive!

Do I have a group of friends? Yes. Do we associate as a group? No. Personally I intend to keep it that way. Once bitten twice shy. We live. We learn..... 

What have your experiences of group friendships been like? Please share! 

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Image by Suhyeon Choi

Reconciliations

My last post Not all friendships were created equal reminded me of another time where I found myself in a friendship, unknowingly, (or not, actually) of unequal importance….

We cannot talk about fractured friendships without talking about reconciliations, can we? Even if you feel far away from this stage, or it seems highly unlikely - the chances are you have at least given the concept some thought?

Could you reconcile? Do you even want to? Would you consider it if your friend approached you? Would you be brave enough to approach your friend? Is it too late? Has too much time passed? Are you even the same people anymore? Have you changed too much? Has she? Do you still have time for her in your life? What would you say? How would you react?

These are just some of the thoughts that might swirl around your head after a falling out with a friend. There is no time limit on how long these thoughts may last and no telling what may trigger them to pop up at any given moment. Also your answers to said questions may change from day to day, until you reach a more peaceful place about the situation.

As someone who has experienced my fair share of friendship endings, I also have some experiences with reconciliations. I wish I could say the ratio was equal, but that’s not quite true. There are friendships that have ended, which, at least for now, I feel should stay over. That is not because of the people involved particularly, rather because I feel peaceful about the situations as they are. When I hear a song that makes me think of them for example; I smile and enjoy the memory without feeling sad, or the need to reach out to that person. This is usually a pretty good indication that you are emotionally at peace with the ending of the friendship.

If constant thoughts of that person still plague you, or if you are still asking yourself the above reconciliation questions, then you probably don’t feel peaceful about the ending, and maybe reconciliation is possible because you are mentally open to it.

My most recent reconciliation was actually this year. I met and became good friends with someone in 2013, and we hit the ground running. We became fast friends and even faster enemies. By 2015 we were no longer on speaking terms.  How was it possible that it could nose dive so fast, or that it could impact me so profoundly when I had only known this person for 2 years at best? I think it is fair to say that the length of a friendship is not always relevant to the pain experienced at the ending of it.

This person and I didn’t speak for about 18 months – almost as long as we had even been friends?! Maybe because we were still in a position where we had to see one another most days, or maybe due to the intensity of our friendship (that helped it burn out,) I never reached a peaceful place about our ending. Milestones like birthdays passed, and I wondered if I should reach out, or if she would. I wondered if she wondered the same thing.  I don’t know how to explain it, except to say that it never felt over, despite the fact that we actually did discuss the ending and close that chapter, officially speaking. Still, the silence between us was so LOUD! 

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Around 8 months into our “fight” if you will, I went on an overseas holiday, and bought her a small trinket. I considered giving it to her as a peace offering perhaps. I saw it and it made me think of us and I took it as a sign from the universe that it was time for me to come forward and end this silence. Just after I got back from that trip, as if she also had some sort of sign, or epiphany, she began engaging me in small pleasantries. However instead of being happy about this, I wondered what it all meant? Were we friends again now? No mention of anything? I felt she couldn’t just start talking to me again as if nothing had ever happened. It felt like it was minimising both the importance of our friendship, and the pain we had each suffered at its fracture. Well, the pain I had suffered anyway. I assumed it was equally painful for her. It never occurred to me that she was talking to me again because it actually hadn’t been that painful for her and her indifferent conversation was a sign of her indifference towards me in general. This was a reality I would ruminate over for quite a while before I could swallow it! I put down my peace offering and put up more walls instead.  A curious reaction, I agree!

I think I actually hoped she was coming forward to apologise and end the fight, and in a way, letting me off the hook for an apology I was all but willing to make the week before. I remember discussing it with another friend and saying “I wonder if she will contact me?” I waited anxiously by the phone for her text or call, but all that followed were more of the same empty, small conversations of zero importance. I have never been one for small talk. She knew this. I tried not to engage her whenever I could avoid it.  Small things became more important than they needed to be, such as who ended a conversation when I was forced to politely engage her. I became disappointed, annoyed and curious at her lack of follow through on the personal friendship front.  I wondered if her empty conversations were hints that she was wanting me to come forward and apologise, that she was open to reconciliation.

I decided to go back to hating her and not speaking to her. That’s mature, isn’t it? We went on like this, her trying to be friendly, and me trying to continue the fight for another good 6 months. My feelings would not be invalidated by her indifference. What happened mattered to me, and if we weren’t going to discuss it then we weren’t going to be friends. I forgot all about the trinket I bought her and any thoughts of peace offerings….. Until I found the trinket again one day and remembered who I bought it for and why. By HUGE coincidence perhaps, right at the same moment Jason Donovan was playing on my MP3 player (don't judge me! haha this blog is called confessions for a reason! Lol) and the song was "Don't let your pride stop you from saying sorry, remember in time, there's 2 sides to every story...." If that's not a sign I don't know what is! 

Mulling over our friendship and the ending, I had to take responsibility. Regardless of what she did or said to me, it wasn’t without provocation from me. Accountability! (2 sides to every story) It dawned on me that the reason I had not yet reached a peaceful place about us was because I knew deep down I owed her an apology. I didn’t feel good about the way we left things. I wasn’t comfortable with the image of myself that I felt I had left her with. I was terrified, but I decided it was time to apologise.

I had no idea how she would react. I didn’t know how to steal a moment with her alone, as they always crept up on me by surprise. I started carrying that trinket around in my pocket so the next time she engaged me I could break the ice. When the time came, I was literally trembling and my voice was shaky. I couldn’t do it! I chickened out. What on earth was I so afraid of? Another rejection? Would she laugh in my face? Would she yell? Would she take it seriously or just fob me off with more small nothings?
I managed a more friendly engagement with her, but none of the things I planned to say escaped my mouth. The unspoken words mocked me....

At the end of that particular conversation, if you can picture this, I literally stood there making uncomfortable eye contact for an extra 10 seconds, (which felt way longer!) trying to will myself to say the words. She broke my silence, annoyed, with the words “Are you lost?” And I laughed and left very quickly. All the while scolding myself and being disappointed that I had not found the courage of my convictions. Again I was angry at her, for her harsh reaction, although to be fair, it was a strange uncomfortable encounter and she was right to end it! Lol. So instead I tried drafting her an email. Even then I couldn’t craft a letter I was happy with. My good intentions to apologise were quickly taken over by a need to justify my actions and blame her!! This was only going to add fuel to the fire and didn’t reflect well on me. I couldn't apologise because I still didn't fully understand what had happened between us.  I needed to forgive her, but more than that I needed to forgive myself. To do this I needed to understand. 

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In countless therapy sessions I worked on understanding what happened between us and my own responses, reasons and triggers. And when I understood that my need for her was related to the friendships I had lost before her it all started to make sense. I was in NEED of friends (meaning I was a needy friend) because I had lost some important core friendships. When I lost those friends, although I felt peaceful about it, my self-esteem and self-worth had taken a hard hit. I was in a hurry to fill the voids left in my life, hence the fast intensity between us. When our friendship fractured too, it confirmed my worst fears about myself, that I was unlovable, broken, damaged and not capable of social success or fulfilment. Destined to be alone?! Sigh. Cue the world’s smallest violin!! Haha Although it was only subconsciously, I had been aware of the unequal status between us all along and it was triggering me like crazy - all my insecurities and fears about self all spilling out - only adding to our problems and my neediness.

Knowing this, helped immensely. I was able to challenge these inner beliefs and realise that just because one person didn’t find me friendship material, did not reflect on me at all. I was able to explore the changes and circumstances she was facing and acknowledge that her behaviour was never about me to begin with. I was forced to acknowledge that her indifferent conversation was in fact surface level! It wasn’t a hint that she wanted more from me, it was a sign that she was over it, whatever it was. She had been more important to me than I had been to her.  Her indifference was just that – indifference, and I was only hurting myself by insisting on continuing this fight. It was still more important to me than it was to her.... but not for long. 

I began to feel a calmness spread over me, and it was such a relief. I believe this calm was my own indifference. I still felt I owed her an apology and I wanted her to have it, but I was no longer caught up in her response. The urgency had been removed. I did not need to validate myself through her forgiveness or justify myself anymore. I didn’t need to blame her or for her to acknowledge her wrongdoings and take back harsh words. I didn’t need us to be friends again, although I did like her, if she didn’t feel the same way then I wasn’t going to waste any more energy forcing it.

Shortly after this epiphany of my own, circumstances dictated that I needed to ask her for a favour. (She had indicated in one of our casual conversations when I mentioned being stuck on something that I should have asked her, although I found this strange, I therefore I knew she was open to helping me and in a position to do so if asked.) I tried to approach her in person, but the timing was wrong for her, and I missed the window of opportunity. Without any anxiety, I took out my phone and I sent her a text asking for her help, and saying I understood if she wasn’t interested in helping me, but that I thought I would ask and I would appreciate a reply.

When I hadn’t heard back from her 2 hours later I wasn’t worried. (In the not so distant past this would have been anxiety producing for me) I continued on with my day and prepared for a friend’s birthday lunch. I admit I did jump when a text came in, but laughed when I realised it was a reminder for my next appointment with my psychologist! The timing was so ironic! Lol She eventually replied, explaining her delay and saying it was lovely to hear from me. I felt us both relaxing into a smile as we exchanged messages back and forth for the rest of the day. I told her I was sorry, no explanations or justifications and even made a joke about my grudge baring ability! Ha! She replied that she felt there was no need for apologies and I didn’t owe her one any more than she owed me one.

We exchanged facts about our respective circumstances and agreed to stay in touch. After a few weeks of messaging I extended an open invitation to catch up in person sometime if she wanted to. She said she did want to but the timing wasn’t right in her life right now and asked me to be patient. I took it at face value, instead of deciding she didn’t really want to be friends again because I am the world’s worst human! I know I am a good person and a good friend, maybe she just has her quota full right now. It doesn’t matter the reason.

Whatever her reason, it is ok with me. It has actually never felt more over than it does right now, as we have reopened the lines of communication! I have reached that level of peacefulness that allows me let it be what it was, what it is, and what it will be. In the end my battle was always with myself. And I won!

If you had of asked me about reconciliations in the past I would have assumed it would only reference a situation in which you resumed the friendship at the same or higher intensity than it had existed before. What if that intensity was part of the reason you parted to begin with? I never imagined a reconciliation to mean a more peaceful ending at worst or a downgrading to acquaintance at best. Reconciliation is just about you finding peace with yourself about the situation and in some cases that doesn’t involve contact with the other party at all.

Do I have any happier reconciliation stories? Yes! Thankfully I do and I will share all my stories in due course. This one, however, points out the less obvious outcomes that never really swirl around in your head at the beginning. If you are still thinking about it, you need to find a way to come to peace with it, regardless of the outcome. For me that meant taking personal accountability for my needy behaviours and the reasons behind them, and facing some insecurities and hard truths that have plagued me for years. It was HARD work. I am glad I did though, and I am a much better friend for it now. As a result my friendships are much more rewarding too! (Drumroll…. “and the winner of friendships goes to…” hahaha) Whatever you need to do, it’s got to be better than being stuck with a million unanswered questions; even if you are frightened of the answers. Going over hypothetical situations and having pretend conversations with people in your mind is fruitless because in real life the other person never says what we expect anyway, even if we do eventually manage the courage of our convictions. 

It might be too late to go back to what was, but it is never too late to find peace with what has happened. Ask yourself what fears are being triggered by this situation and how you can face them… alone if need be. You got this. You had the power all along. Let me know how you go! Good Luck. 

❤ Love,

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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All friendships were NOT created equal

A recent study by MIT, which analysed the friendship bonds between a class of 23 to 38 year old students (87 participants in total) who were taking a business management course together found that we don’t have as many friends as we think… or more so, that over half the people we consider friends, do not consider us as such.  It was revealed that 94% of participants expected their answers to be mirrored or reciprocated, however only 53% of them were.

Participants were asked to rank each other on a level of friendship, from 1 to 5 (1 meaning “I do not know this person” and 5 meaning “One of my best friends.”) Even though the study was small and limited, the findings appear to be consistent with various other similar studies, reaching a larger demographic. The data showed that while you may rate a person a 5, effectively best friend material, the chances that they reciprocate the sentiment as not as high as you’d like to believe.

This was actually not a surprise to me; well, not at first anyway. I am the kind of person who maintains about 5 core close friendships. Any more than that and I become a bit overwhelmed, and any less than that and I start feeling isolated and lonely. I am not sure if most people have “an ideal friend number” or if 5 is universal (although the people from Wonderful Engineering indicate I am onto something with that!) Your number may be higher or lower or may change over time and with circumstance, but mine seems to be pretty universally stable at 5.

Of those 5 friends, all of them call me a best friend. I am their best friend.... (Pause for applause at my apparent awesomeness.... Lol!) I have been happy to fill this role for them. I love being the person who knows their inner secret thoughts, who is there for them and supports them through life. I love celebrating with them and commiserating with them. And if I am honest, I love feeling important to them. For the longest time I stayed away from the term “best friend.” It was exclusionary, and took away from my friendships with other women. Each of them offered me something I enjoyed, valued and even needed in my life. (There is that word again. Need. Hmm. Really must post on this)

Of course, friendships change; they ebb and flow, even end, and sometimes start back up again, sometimes not. I found myself at a point where a few friendships were ending, which is always painful, especially when you only really have 5. You would be surprised the hole this leaves in your heart and mind when it happens. Alas, happen it did. Post about group friendships to follow! Ugh.
Anyway, I digress. In the wake of the changes to my friendship group I made a few new friends. Luckily. And happily. I gave these friends the same time and attention I would give to any friend I valued. One of them found this quite overwhelming and actually our friendship fractured after a relatively short period of time. (Which was still immensely painful even given our short friendship, so I will post about that soon too. So many topics to cover!) The other “new friend” took to me like a duck to water. It wasn’t long before she was using the term “bestie” and I was caught off guard when I found myself reciprocating.  I still didn’t want to take anything away from my other friendships, and I didn’t neglect them, but there was something about this person. She was my soul mate, or one of them anyway, depending on your beliefs.

I came as close to being in love with someone as you can get on a platonic level. If I had participated in that study then, my other friends, I probably would have ranked at a 4, despite "knowing" they would rank me a 5, and I would have ranked bestie at a 5. I had 100% confidence that the new friend was ranking me a 5, too. So I was not surprised to learn that people didn’t always reciprocate friendship levels, as in my own experiences, I believed the people in my life all thought I was a 5, and it didn’t matter if they were only an 4 to me. Equally I believed anybody I ranked a 5 would unequivocally rank me a 5 too. At a time, perhaps this was true.

Alas, as I said earlier; things change, people change, and circumstances change. People move, find partners, have children, get married, get divorced, have health issues, lose weight, gain weight, face death or loss of loved ones, become carers, start work, stop work, change jobs, make new friends or a ton of other changes happen that can influence friendships. It is fair to say with my new found bestie, we did experience some changes, and some distance grew in the cracks of that 5.

I felt the distance and I lost that certainty that she would rate me a 5, if asked. (Thankfully we never were asked!) I was very aware of the power difference that now faced me. I had always acknowledged unequal friendships existed… but only in reflection of myself being the person with the lesser investment. I was very uncomfortable with the idea that I liked someone more than they liked me. And I had to question if I had been unknowingly causing my other friends discomfort by not mentally marking them as a 5, while obviously prioritising this one friend.

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I also had to question if my other friends actually knew they would not rank as high on my scale as they might rank me on theirs? Perception is reality, perhaps they were just as certain they would rate a 5 on my scale as I had been certain of my bestie’s reciprocation?  I had thought it was obvious, yet we had NEVER discussed this. Even if I wanted to, how do you have that conversation?

Them: “I love you so much, I am so glad to have you as a best friend.”
Me: “Well, this is awkward, but while I am stoked you feel that way about me, and I don’t want you to think less of me, I need to be clear that I do not think of you as a best friend, and no, there is no valid reason for this?!....”

Yeah, I don’t think so! Did that mean I was effectively cheating on all my friends, with the others? By allowing them to think we were somehow exclusive, simply by not correcting them when they used the term bestie in relation to our friendship? On the one hand, they were allowed to decide how they defined me, but on the other, did my positive although passively vague responses to these comments imply I felt the same way? Did it matter? I didn’t think it did, until it happened to me. Then it mattered more than it probably should.

I don’t know that there is a great deal of difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship and that is a topic I definitely want to explore; because the term Best Friend does imply loyalty and exclusivity. Are friendships just platonic open relationships? Or do you need to pick one and commit to it above all others? While I am sure the answer to that differs for the individual, it was suddenly thrust into my consciousness and I actually wasn’t sure. I don’t think any of us are. Although I was not surprised to learn unequal friendships exist, I was shocked to find that this could happen to me – at least unfavourably!

The issue isn’t just with the term best friends; and the problems of these relationships don’t just lie in the petty jealousies, although of those there are many! They lie in the unspoken expectations that go with the term in general. The expectations we have will be closely linked with our values, which we tend to just assume a best friend shares. Unfortunately this is not always the case. A person who values family time more than you do, for example, may inadvertently let you down by cancelling girls nights out in favour of family nights in. Neither party is wrong. If your bestie didn’t have a family of her own when you met her, you may never have realised this difference in values before. And even if you have discussed it in theory, you never know how people will actually respond in any given situation. In any case we cannot and should not judge what we do not know.

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Some of us call ALL of our friends ‘best friends’ - but tempting as that catch all is, I definitely have friends who aren’t my best friend and I don’t think I am theirs either. So that wouldn’t work for me. Is there a limit as to how many BEST friends a person can have? (5!! Haha) Surely the term itself implies that, say, for example; at an ice-cream shop, you would choose one flavour over another, unquestionably, because it was the best one? But it isn’t that simple with friends. (or ice cream, actually!!) Of course we probably do prioritise people unconsciously, however; situations, and how we are feeling emotionally often dictate who we spend time with... (or what flavour ice cream we are in the mood for. Maybe even a new one?!) As women, our feelings, moods and cravings  are unpredictable to say the least!

So this is how the name of this website: Best Friend ForNever, is born. It is simply unrealistic to think someone will rank you at a 5 today, and FOREVER. I am now pretty clear with all my friends that I don’t like the term best friend. That I value all of my friends and put in the effort to keep them close. If they choose to still call me a best friend that is ok with me. If they choose to call all their friends best friends, or a select few, that’s ok too. It is not bad word and the sentiment is kind. We just need to have more open discussions about what levels of exclusivity, intimacy and expectations are implied before we go ahead and assume someone else’s interpretation of the term is the same as our own or lead people to have unrealistic expectations of us as friends that we are unable or unwilling to meet but are afraid to say so.

Ultimately I came to understand that my 5 would probably still rank me at a 5, but it isn’t as important anymore. Whatever we rank each other, it would probably be roughly the same. And I was much happier before I started mentally comparing. Perception is reality and I am happy to perceive that my friends like me as much as I like them. I think my friends are happier too, not knowing that maybe I wouldn’t rank them a 5. Ok, it’s fair to say I probably dropped a ranking or 2 on their scale after they read this post, and that is ok. It’s semantics. If they rank me roughly where I rank them the differences shouldn’t matter. I know I value them and I feel valued by them all.

I do my best to be the best friend I can be to all my friends. And that’s the best I can do…. High 5! 

❤ Love,

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Photo by Jonas Vincent

2 Sides to Every Story

How many times have we heard this expression thrown around without really stopping to consider the other side? In my experience people tend to say this to me when I am upset with someone about some perceived wrongdoing or slight against me! This is particularly true in relation to my friendships and I have heard the expression countless times when attempting to express if I felt let down by a friend in some way. The thing is I was usually always so caught up in my hurt that I didn’t really hear them. What I felt was that they were minimising my hurt and basically taking my friends side or insinuating that I was over reacting.... Me? Never! Ha! 

When a friend lets us down or hurts us in some way, it is only natural to feel hurt; and you are entitled to feel hurt. After a while though, we usually do progress to trying to think about things from the other person’s perspective. The problem is that we still usually try and see it in a way that pertains to us specifically. We have a tendency to wonder if our friend was upset with us because of something we did or said, or alternatively, something we failed to say or do. Once we are satisfied that we haven’t actually done anything wrong, or justified to ourselves that whatever we did wasn’t that bad, we move on to wondering if everything is ok with our friend. Maybe we haven’t heard from her because something is wrong? When both of these come up blank we are stumped and it tends to be where we get mentally and emotionally stuck… as the victim…

I have experienced this countless times, because I never really took the time to explore the other side of the story to its fullest. Recently I bumped into an old workmate at the local shopping centre. It has been at least 10 years since I saw this person, yet I recognised her instantly. Things ended so badly between us that she moved jobs just to get away from me, and her parting words to me were “I don’t know why you hate me so much.” I haven’t thought about her since then, and I hope she hasn’t wasted another moment on me either. She didn’t say hello, though I know she recognised me. If I could go back in time to seeing her at the shop I would apologise, and if she wanted an explanation I would candidly give her one.

After that moment, I went home thinking about her and what transpired between us, probably more than I ever did at the time. I came to the conclusion that I ended our friendship and I never even told her! At the time, I had taken up a sordid and unsuitable office romance, which was very much against the office policy. I had also just taken on a promotion to a managerial position. I knew my friend would not approve of this romance, for more than one reason, and I knew she would have been right too! Unfortunately, I didn’t care about any of that. Also my new fling had sworn me to secrecy for their own benefit, and for reasons I couldn’t admit to myself at the time, such as them not wanting anyone to know that we were together because they were too ashamed to be seen with me. The truth hurts.... so lets not acknowledge it, that will help?! Healthy, right?! Not! I certainly was not wanting my friend pointing out this harsh truth, which; as a good friend, she may well have done. So, slowly, without any malice or conscious consideration I used my promotion as an excuse to withdraw from my friend, and spend more time with my lover.

On several occasions my friend asked me if I was okay. She made invites that I declined, and she asked me if she had done anything that had upset me. I remember being surprised by the question, and reassuring her, happily, smiling and laughing that she had not done anything wrong and that we were still friends. Even when she left the company, full of anger at me, I was baffled! Honestly! As far as I was concerned we were still friends. Nothing had transpired between us that made me like her less. Even her angry outbursts, although confusing somewhat, didn’t perturb me. At that point I think an angry outburst or confession of her sins against me would have been a relief for her, but I had nothing. I thought we were friends, but apparently we weren’t, she hated me now?  The fact that I didn’t even lose sleep over her upset bothers me beyond words now. In fact while she was hurting so much that she left her job to get away from me, I barely thought of her at all. And that, readers, is an example of one time, I ended a friendship, without even realising. And as you can see it had nothing at all to do with my friend, and I was perfectly fine, aside from the questionable romantic life choices I was making. This doesn't reflect well on me, but we cannot change what we do not acknowledge. I learned... eventually! 

When faced with a similar situation, on the receiving end this time of said withdrawal....I reacted in a pretty similar fashion to my old workmate, despair, anger, the other grief symptoms.... I wanted to know what I did wrong, so that I could fix it. When that didn’t work, I wanted to provoke some sort of emotional response from her.I wanted to know that she still cared. I wanted to control the outcome in my favour. And despite me having been on the other side of this equation more than once in my life, I failed to see that my newer friends’ withdrawal from me was never about me to begin with, and I was powerless to change it. I will write a post about that soon, although it will be a difficult emotional one to share, but I guess that’s what this site is all about.

The thing is, in the earlier situation with my workmate, basically, I found someone else who I would rather spend my time and emotional energy on. She missed me, when I was right there, all day, every damned day! I think this sums up her feelings pretty accurately:

My behaviour was no reflection of my friend or her worth, and I gave very little consideration to how badly it impacted her, no matter how hard she tried to force me to acknowledge it. Actually, that only made my withdrawal from her easier. What I realised, when I looked back at this situation, was that I still liked my workmate. I had no ill feelings towards her, and never meant to hurt her. (Although, to an extent, I refused to even acknowledge that I was hurting her. Which probably hurt her even more...) I mentioned in my "Back to basics and the beginning" post that perspective is a choice and my childhood bestie and I were still friends because I said so and it really was that simple. I stand by that, but it is important to acknowledge both people have to feel the same way, and feel comfortable with the silences, confidently. (Which may be why it seems only possible with childhood friends where acceptance and change are abundant or long distance friends where expectations are lower and allowances are higher!) In this situation, my workmate did not feel the same way; in her perspective - my silence was an ending. My reassurances of friendship were never enough, because as I said in my “LETS be Friends” post - friendship is an action word. We couldn't just be friends because I said so..... I was no longer acting like a friend; and there was no way I was holding myself accountable for that, or anything else at that time in my life to be honest! She left and I shrugged my shoulders and went on merrily ignoring the situation for 10 years until it came back to haunt me. The timing was so ironic. I almost wish my ex workmate had known what was transpiring in my own life at the time so she could have had the satisfaction of knowing Karma doesn’t forget, even if we do! Lol

Not only did that situation force me to acknowledge that I am not “always the victim” but it also threw into question my theories about my current situation. Was it possible that on the other side of the story, it wasn’t about me at all? If you were to view my life as a movie, I was the main character… How was it possible that something that could impact me and my life so deeply - wasn’t even about me? Even knowing that evoked feelings of unworthiness and anger. How could someone stop being my close friend, and then not even notice that she stopped? If I meant anything to her surely she would notice my absence? Nope. She was still fulfilled. There was no silence in her life. And the silence in mine, although created by her, was not her problem. Sad but true. 

In her mind, I wasn’t gone. We were still friends, she just had other people and things taking her attention. She was ok. Better than ok. She was great and happy, and I wasn’t being a great friend because I struggled to be happy for her. Of course I could only see how this impacted me. I am human, and my life IS ABOUT ME! I see things through my perspective and that is the only one I can see it from without considerable effort. The concept that something isn’t about me is uncomfortable at first. Of course it is about me? I am the main character?! Lol

It takes courage to step out and see that you are not the main character in anyone else’s life, and admit that you shouldn’t be and that is ok. As a matter of fact, there is some freedom to the acknowledgement. Nothing I say or do is a reflection of anyone but me, as much as I want to justify my poorer choices, and nothing anybody else does is a reflection of me either! (As much as I want to blame myself to control the outcome!) People move away emotionally, forget things, say thoughtless things, or react poorly as a response to their own feelings and circumstances, which most of the time, have nothing at all to do with you or any of the excuses or circumstances you have dreamed up for them. Forgiveness is easier, maybe not even necessary, when you truly understand the expression “there are 2 sides to every story” and accept their side might not have you in it at all.

Being faced with such a "Sliding Doors" kind of moment, truly seeing the other side from my own perspective and experience, was a real eye opener, and I hope you can use it to reflect on your own life, and see when you may have acted similarly to the thing you are facing now. You may shudder and say “I would never do this to someone.” Not consciously, no. But the human psyche works in ways that preserve self and allows us not to see what we don’t want to see about ourselves or a situation. Remember what I said about accountability? This is what I mean. Self awareness comes at a cost, but is well worth it.

At the end of the day, my workmate was right, I wasn’t her friend anymore, I didn’t even care enough to see that I was hurting her. (And boy did she make it obvious!) And essentially she was right to walk away and forget about me. She was wasting energy on something that was no longer important enough for me to even care about. I don’t regret that she walked away, she deserved better than that. I am happy for her that she finally realised and gave up. I only wish she had known it was never about her, because then it would have been a much less painful and prolonged choice for her, and she may not have had to leave her job. Although, as a tiny justification, can I just say that I did her a favour getting her out of that office?! ( I’m glad I eventually left too!) Can I pass that off as my final act of friendship to her?....Whatever helps me sleep at night, right?! Lol

This obviously all relates back to self-esteem. If you know you are worth more…. If you know your friend is no longer acting like a friend, or being what you “need” (blog post about that to come) or even what they used to be to you, don’t waste energy on why. You don’t need them to agree with you. They may never agree with you, because the poor reflection of themselves is deflected by self- preservation and justification. It is human instinct. Getting them to admit that they are wrong is only half the battle. If they admit they are wrong; they may have to change it. Looking back, I was not prepared to stop seeing my lover, to give my friend more time, or admit that I was wrong to be with said lover in the first place. I knew it already, but if I said it, I would be expected to change it and I plain didn’t want to. Does that make sense?

If you are trying to get your friend to choose you, or to admit they let you down or to get an apology, stop. You are wasting your time. Accept that this isn’t about you, it isn’t your place to hold them accountable. Their self awareness may be lacking and that is their own journey. In time they may come to realise how they impacted you, at which point what they do about it is up to them. It isn’t that you aren’t entitled to an apology or an explanation, just that if you force it, it wont be really genuine anyway. Let time and Karma deal with everyone but yourself. You are the main character in your movie, so you get to decide what happens next and you know best how to make yourself happy. If you don’t – that is a far better use of your time and energy than chasing someone else.

<3 Love, 
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

LETS be Friends

“In order to have friends you must first be one.” Ebert Hubbard, Philosopher. 

Along the course of my life I have gained and lost a fair few friends. More and more I begin to realise that this is not unique or uncommon. So I guess I am not as special, or even as ‘unspecial’, as I thought! At times, these broken friendships ended mutually, quietly, slowly and naturally; usually because neither person had the energy or interest in putting in the time and effort it takes to be a good friend…. And neither one cared enough to even make a fuss over it. It’s entirely plausible that you didn’t even notice it had ended and nor did they.  I have definitely experienced this from both sides. Honestly. Note to self - new blog post topic. Other times these friendships came to a more abrupt or unequal ending, with one person or the other declaring it over. Essentially though, the reasons remain the same I suppose. One person wasn’t being a good friend. More likely neither of them were.

So what does it take to be a good friend? When I look at my friends, and take stock of what I value in each one, I notice that each of them offers me something I value, something that makes my time with them enjoyable enough that I seek it out on a fairly regular basis, and I hope, vice versa. Time. That is the most common indicator of a healthy friendship. What motivates us to put in the effort to make time for our friends? I think it is related to how special, valued, loved and important they make us feel. How we feel about someone and how they make us feel about ourselves is closely linked. This is dependant entirely on how we communicate with them. LETS break that down, shall we? 

Listening

Effort (and empathy!) 

Time

Sharing (and sympathising) 

Listening. Friendship is in the details. What tends to differentiate a friend from an acquaintance, aside from time given to the friendship, is the amount of detail in which we disclose personal information, and how much we remember about theirs. An acquaintance does not expect you to remember their birthday, and similarly, you do not get upset when they ask you what your dog’s name is, for the hundredth time. There is no expectation on either of you to know the details, even if it is slightly frustrating because your dog’s name is Pig! Come on now - It’s hilarious and points at your brilliance and witty nature.  How can they forget?!! 

Some people are natural talkers and other natural listeners, but we need to hone both skills to make a really good friend. Sometimes in conversation we are so busy planning the next hilarious thing we are going to say, or preoccupied with trying to find a way to steer the conversation where we want it to go (or away from where we don’t want it to go) that we don’t even really notice we aren’t listening to what our friend is saying. We all get stressed, and have things weighing on us occasionally that might stop us from really being able to hear what a friend is sharing with us, but this should not be a pattern for you. We have all been chatting with someone at one point or another, trying to find the words to communicate something important to us, when suddenly the communication is railroaded by the latest news from said friend. It doesn’t feel great. (Especially when what you were trying to share was significant and her news was seemingly more trivial, like the latest tweet from her celebrity crush, which was clearly directed at her, right? Don’t you think? Let’s plan the wedding! Rolls eyes.) If a friend feels like you can’t listen, care about her problems and empathise, celebrate her successes and stop talking about yourself long enough to breathe, chances are you will be met by a wall of distance. 

As one of my close friends described this situation to me about another of her friends she said: “I had to put some distance there. She never asks me how I am and when she does, she doesn’t listen to the answer, always finding ways to turn the conversation back around to herself. Sometimes I don’t even get the chance to speak at all before she starts talking about herself again. It’s as though asking about me is just a pleasantry to get out of the way. If I told her this she would probably angrily deny it and say it is my fault for never speaking up, but I never get the chance.” 

Humans are selfish by nature, so naturally our favourite topic of conversation is “me.” It’s important to be honest with yourself and have a close look at your interactions.  How much time do you spend talking about yourself versus listening to your friend? If you find you are dominating the conversation, stop, take a breath, and try to show a genuine interest in her life. Make eye contact and watch her body language for clues too. Until now you might not have noticed this friendship is unequal, but believe me, the other person does. And she will be spending her time on someone who makes her feel “understood” sooner than you can say the word “ghosted” if you don’t start listening soon. 

Effort. Knowing the details of your friends’ life, and remembering them are closely linked. This takes effort. As you learn to listen better, you will learn to pick up on the emotive language, body language and other verbal and nonverbal cues that tell us when something is important to someone. Like when I say it is totally fine that you ditched me last week, but I avoid eye contact with you when I say it? That tells you I value reliability and am a bit of a diva when you let me down! It’s unlikely you will make the same mistake again if you value my friendship, right? There’s a topic for another time.  Getting back on point…. Whenever someone has shared something with you that seems to be causing them some emotional reaction, it is essential that you follow up on that with them later. Did they have a job interview? How did it go? Were the kids sick? Are they better? Stressed about an exam? Did they manage to fit in that extra study? Relationship drama? Have things settled down? You don’t have to play 20 questions, or make a big fuss about every little thing they mention. A quick call or text will suffice, even if they don’t get time to answer you. It is important to people that we care about them enough to follow through. Friendship is an action word. For the really big things such as a birthday, or an anniversary of something they celebrate or commiserate, pop a reminder in your phone or computer, or even just on the calendar, one for the day of, and one for the week before if you need to plan any gatherings, events, gifts or cards etc… And then it is there. It will mean a lot to them that you remembered, even if you did have a little help. (They never need to know that… unless you go ahead and write a blog post about it…. Lol) It will mean even more to them if you have taken the time to organise something for them with a personal touch, more than a message on social media or a text. It makes your friend feel loved, cared for, secure, thought about, valued and important. Who doesn’t want to feel that? I do. Don’t you? It only takes a little effort. Or maybe I am just a diva! 

Time. I watched a movie once called “In Time” where time was used like a currency. I liked the movie almost as much as the analogy! We all get exactly the same amount of time in our proverbial account, each and every day. Circumstance dictates how we spend it. Some of us work, some of us are gym bunnies, some of us parents, or carers, or students. Many of us multiples of these things all at once. It gets eaten up so quickly by the things we have to do, there’s not much left for the things we want to do. It seems almost unanimous, when I speak to people about friendship, that time spent is a big factor in closeness, and also hugely limits us from having more close friends.  When we do find we have some time to “spend” on social activities, who we choose to spend it with speaks volumes.  If we don’t “spend” our time on the people we value, it stands to reason that those people don’t feel valued by us. If you are feeling a little lonely or isolated, it is a good idea to ask yourself where your time has been spent and if it reflects what you really value. If it doesn’t, chances are your friends haven’t felt like you were being a very good friend. Take it from someone who knows - that is the first step towards not having good friends. Don’t despair. It’s never too late to change this. Just the same as we look at the budget to see where we can make cuts to fit in those new shoes, or that overseas trip, or just to have some savings in the bank, there are ways to maximise your time too. How you manage that is up to you. Perhaps you could meet up with someone in your lunch hour once a week, or take a gym class together, or invite a friend over for a movie on the condition that they help you study afterwards. Being a good friend means showing up. Literally not virtually. If you do, you will have people who show up for you. Think about it. Making time takes effort, and you can’t please everyone, so make sure your time spent reflects the people you value. It’s a similar concept to value for money, and time is the currency you use to buy friendships. How much you invest is up to you, and so therefore, is how many rewards you reap from it. 

Sharing. We spoke about listening earlier and the impact this has on friendships and their individual dynamics. Working on your listening is only half the battle. If you look at your interactions and you realise you are always talking, directing the conversation, and you actually don’t know much about your friend, asking them and then really listening isn’t that hard if you really care about them. That said, if you find that you always seem to be in the listening role, and feel you do it well, but don’t really feel connected or understood by your friends, then chances are you are not great at sharing. Learning to listen, if I had to guess, is way harder than learning to open up and share some of yourself with your friends. Sharing, when it is mutual is the biggest factor in successful reciprocal (non-judgemental) friendships. And it is also vital to happiness. I know, I know; it’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and share your real (crazy) self sometimes, even with your closest friends. This is true even if they openly and easily share with you. Unfortunately, if you ask me, sharing with someone who listens is the key to human connectedness, so you must learn. Don’t wait to be asked, pick the friend you trust the most, and share something about yourself or your life that is slightly more personal than you usually would. (Baby steps!) After all your friends are awesome people, or why would you hang out with them? You trust them, right? You are not only denying yourself by holding back, but you are also denying your friends the opportunity to be a good friend and reciprocate. You know how good it feels when a friend shares something with you and you support them and bask in their warm affectionate praises, noting to yourself what a truly wonderful selfless human you are? Or like the time you gave them the perfect gift for their anniversary that everyone else forgot and felt like your heart could burst with pride for yourself? No? Just me on that one? Lol. Well anyway, your friends want to bask in your glow sometimes too and if they don’t feel they can offer you anything, you risk losing them to someone who makes them feel like they can. 

I made a statement earlier that friendship is an action word. It isn’t always easy and effortless, which is why we don’t form close friendships with everyone we meet. That and the fact that we probably don’t like most of them anyway! Lol Seriously though, it is ok to enjoy the more casual friendships for what they are too, your buddy who makes you laugh, or the one who shares yoga with you, or the group of mums you chat to at the school gate.

If you are honestly getting it all right, and still feeling isolated, then the chances are; your friend, or the person you are trying to be friends with, isn’t being a very good friend right now. Maybe they just aren’t looking for more close or intense/intimate friendships right now, or they are going through something they don’t want to share, or, actually a whole host of other reasons they may have. Trust me when I tell you that none of them have anything at all to do with you. Zero. We can’t change other people, and it is not our place to hold them accountable. If your friend is creating space, they probably need space, even if they won’t admit it or tell you why. That is all you need to know. Either leave them be and move on, or enjoy it as a more surface level friendship for now and try a new friend target. Even if you used to be super close. It’s hard, I know! How close you are with someone may change over time. Ebb and flow is natural and normal. You deserve good friends, so rather than wasting effort, energy and time on someone who isn’t making you feel valued, put your energy back into yourself and what you can control. If you value yourself, you won’t settle for less. And you’ll feel better about this when you let it go. Well, actually, to quote Jon Kabbat-Zinn “It’s not a matter of letting it go - you would if you could. Instead of let it go, we should probably say ‘let it be’.”

Remember; not every friendship needs to be close, but if you are feeling isolated, or lonely or misunderstood, maybe it is because none of them are. To have good friends, you must first be a good friend. Are you? 

LETS be friends?! Listening. Effort. Time. Sharing. It’s a formula. Try it out. Let me know how you go. :)

 

Love,

your Best Friend ForNever (BFFN)

Back to basics and the beginning.

Where better to start my friendship exploration journey, than right back at the beginning? The first memories I have of friendship are probably around 4 or 5 years old. Even then I was drawn to other girls as friends, and I remember all too well the pain that came with being told “You’re not my best-friend anymore” and being excluded from the the imaginary castle with the others colouring in and wearing plastic heels and tiara’s!

The thing is, it was easier then. Easier to make friends. To be friends without necessarily defining that you were friends, and even easier to just bluntly define that you considered someone a friend without any consideration of the possibility that they didn’t feel the same way about you! It was easier to get over it if you weren’t friends anymore and go find someone else to play with. It seemed natural to forgive and forget the next day when you were once again allowed back into the fun and games in the imaginary castle. Fights had a tendency to be short lived, as did memories of hurt feelings about being cast aside. And guilt about being mean to your friend was pretty much non-existent too. Although I don’t remember it this way, I am almost certain that I dished out as many social exclusions as I received.

I think girls clue in at an early age that exclusion has power and as youngsters, we aren’t afraid to use it. That does change as we get older, and we learn to understand the power, but we continue to use it, just with more subtlety and finesse.  (Although not always, by any means!) It is a tool, a weapon if you will, that we spend a great deal of time simultaneously perfecting and deflecting. Exclusion and silence go hand in hand.

As children, we just accept people as they are. We don’t make too much fuss of apologies and are always looking forwards. We don’t want to get caught up in yesterday’s fight when there are new adventures to be had today. And I wonder if that is such a bad thing? Maybe we should try and be more like this as adults?

My oldest friend (who I have known for nearly 30 years) and I were discussing this the other day. If we met now, there is not much chance a friendship would spark between us. We are such different people, on different paths with different hobbies, interests and beliefs. We never judge one another though, because we never did as children. We are friends because we were friends; and we were friends just because! When she moved to this country at 6 years old, and fate put her into the house that shared a back fence with mine; I practically won the Jackpot of kids lotto! I went over to her house, and confidently knocked on her door.  I introduced myself as her new friend and invited myself in to play. We have never looked back.  Almost all my significant memories of childhood, and adulthood for that matter, have her in them.

There have been times when we were super close and times when we actually barely spoke. (There has never been a time that I can recall though where we were “not speaking.”)  In high school for example, she was climbing the social ladders, while I was less popular and forging more intimate connections with a few close friends (also unpopular! Haha) Still, if we had a class together - we sat together. It was a given. We were friends after all. It didn’t need more defining than that. If we passed in the hallways we said hello and if we needed anything we knew we only needed to ask. After high school we both went on to further study and I moved out of home. We weren’t in contact much at the time and I never let her know. I could have, I mean - I had her number, it just didn’t seem relevant at the time. (At risk of showing my age, in my defence this was before facebook... this was even before mobile phones and texting! How did we live?!! haha) Her and I travelled in different circles by then, so I just didn’t think to tell her.  A year or 2 later she contacted my parents and they told her how to reach me. She did, and we just caught up. She never asked why I didn’t tell her and I never made a big deal of her not being social with me outside of school. We were just us, because we always had been. We started hanging out again regularly, and never really lost touch again. That said; our contact goes from very frequent and regular to more sporadic. Even so; we never question our friendship. At least I never do. I hope she doesn't. I think there is something to be said for this. I haven’t managed that with many other friends…. Any at all maybe…. Why would that be? Because I have gained something as an adult that I didn’t really have when I was a kid. Insecurities!!! Which are largely based on FEAR?!

Fear of what? Fear of saying “I like you lets be friends?” Fear of rejection? Fear or looking like a lonely loser? Fear of liking someone more than they like you? Fear of it eventually breaking down? Fear of the silence that can happen when a friendship starts to fizzle or fade? You know; the silence that creeps in as one person makes choices that takes her away from the other? We can sit and listen to that silence for such a long time. It can be the loudest sound there is. Deafening silence that nobody else can hear…It is easy to spiral into thoughts of how this reflects on you, things you may have said or done to push that person away or upset them and desperately flailing around in the dark trying to win them back. Whatever it is that you are afraid of, insecurities are triggered by fear. Instinctively we are trying to protect ourselves from being let down, abandoned and emotionally hurt, but at what cost? Insecurities thrive on us not feeling “enough” in some aspect of self and having this perceived failing “proven” in the eyes of another. I never experience this with my childhood bestie. I never feel insecure with her, because our friendship was never based on either of us being interesting enough, or good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough, or funny enough (thank goodness!) or anything else. We never tried to be anything other than ourselves, never expected each other to be anything in particular. We never expected things wouldn’t change – in fact we spent much time dreaming about how things would change as our lives unfolded! We weren’t afraid to explore new people during the gaps in our friendship. We didn’t expect those gaps, but we didn’t dwell on them either, both eager to see what else was on offer.  I never viewed her choices as a reflection of me, my worthiness or lack thereof. (I really hope she never did either!) We are friends… basically because I say so… and it really is that simple. Even during times when we weren’t really acting like friends, neither of us chose the perspective that we were not friends. Because we are. Always have been. I hope we always will be.

I can almost hear some of you screaming at me from behind your screens that childhood friendships do not carry the weight of significance that comes with adult ones. They are not burdened with responsibilities and we do not need them for emotional and sometimes physical or practical support. You’re right of course. My point, and yes, I think I have one, lol, is that the difference is in the silence. As we mature, we hear the silence more than we did as children. As children it seems we were perpetually surrounded by peers and friends, our options limitless. Just like when we were children, as adults, people do change. Unfortunately sometimes, our friends just can’t give us the time or energy to be the friend that they used to be. Often this means you will be faced with the silence. Sometimes it is literally silent, other times it may be a feeling; a distance or a fading out of sorts. When you experience it, you’ll know. If we are deafened by the silence when distance starts to grow, it’s likely we tuned into this friend like we were wearing earphones - listening to a catchy song on repeat. It made us feel happy. It made us feel good enough. It didn’t trigger fear or insecurity about self…. But when the music stops playing, all we can hear is the silence. It takes a while to notice that while we were wearing these metaphorical earphones, we tuned out the other stations. The other people. The potential friends that still surround us. We stopped exploring our options because we found a good one. We didn’t need more options. That’s ok, until the music stops. It usually does. We don’t assume when the radio station stops playing a song we love that it was in some way to spite us. I don’t anyway – I hope you don’t! We understand new music comes out all the time and we need to make room for it. We know there is always at least one good song we hadn’t heard before. We know it is not about us personally. It can be hard to remember this when it comes to your friends. Still it remains true that the silence is about them exploring and experiencing and making room for new “music” - being people and things outside of you. It has no bearing on you being or not being anything “enough.” So with that in mind, please don’t sit for too long waiting for the music to come back on, listening to the silence when you could simply tune back into life and enjoy some new music. (Friends, I mean new friends, in case that wasn’t clear!)  You don’t know what you’ve been missing! You will be dancing in no time, I promise. And when you hear that old tune (friend) again one day in the future, you will be happy, not sad or resentful or angry. You will probably still like it… The choice is yours… Are you still friends or not? Which choice makes you happy? It can be easy to forget that perspective is a choice. It is though. Think about it. Fights as adults, unlike as children, are not always as short lived or temporary in nature. That is largely because our nature is not so easily and naturally forgiving. Things get more complicated in adulthood, I agree, but when you acknowledge that whatever is happening, isn't about you, and tune in to the new music, forgiveness and deciding the silence doesn't have to be permanent or "an ending" seems a whole lot easier. Try and think of it as "for now" and not "forever" - which applies to both the friendship as it flourishes and when it fizzles, fades or fractures.

Okay, okay….. I hear you! Making new friends as adults though, it’s hard and it’s complicated, right? We might have a thousand “friends” on social media, yet nobody to see that new blockbuster with on Saturday night. Nothing wrong with going alone. You should try it at least once, but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting someone to go with either…. So ask someone! You don’t go for a job interview all the while pretending you don’t want the position. Friendships are the same. Approach them in the same manner. Have confidence in your ability to fill the role and don’t be shy about going after it! (If only the position was advertised hey? Well you have an opening, so advertise it!!! Let someone else apply to be your friend!) If you get rejected it probably is because they have plans this Saturday, not because they think you were weird for asking. Ask someone else, and if you are too shy to ask, then just mention it in general conversation and see if you get any offers. The reason you feel strange, talking about wanting friends, is because it is unspoken. Keeping it that way exacerbates the issue so we need to start talking about it.  You'd be surprised how many people are facing the same issue! When we were kids, we just told someone they were our friend, invited them to do stuff and basically didn’t wait for their acceptance or approval. Why be different now? It worked!  If you like someone they will probably like you back just for seeing how awesome they are. Who doesn’t love that? (I’ll post about making friends soon. Stay tuned.)

These days, when it comes to making new friends we say “it was easier as kids, we were surrounded by peers at school, all making the same choices at the same times.” If we look around our adult lives, like really look, there are people all around us. Potential friends at work, at the school gate, at uni, even at the supermarket?! Perhaps we need to let our inner child out to play with theirs. Let go of inhibitions, stop worrying if they like you or if you will seem desperate and lonely, and just invite them out to play! And if they say no, let your inner child let go of that hurt for you and try again somewhere else, maybe even with the kid who kicked you out of the castle yesterday. They might be over it by now, and it helps if you are too…

If anyone needs me I’ll be in the castle colouring in and totally rocking my plastic tiara! (The plastic heels don't come in my size anymore or I'd rock those too! Lol) The more the merrier!
 

LOVE,

YOUR BEST FRIEND FORNEVER (BFFN)

Photo By Aston Mullins