Many of us seem to want better for our friends, sometimes we even want better for them than we do for ourselves. At times this may show up as you wanting your friend to be more like you… for example, if you are a very career driven person, it may frustrate you that your friend isn’t fulfilling their potential. Maybe they are a talented artist but aren’t following your advice to put themselves out there and hold an exhibition, and you really wish they would. You just know they could be a success. Or perhaps you wish they would get healthier, even though you yourself aren’t as healthy as you could be? And sometimes it has nothing at all to do with you, like wishing they would leave a relationship that you feel is no good for them.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, and areas of our lives where we excel, whilst we find ourselves lacking in others. Truthfully, most of us don’t appreciate being told what to do, or how to improve, do we? We prefer people to focus on our better attributes and accomplishment, being praised and celebrated. Many of us, when told how we could be better, only hear that we aren’t good enough as we are. Which can make it very difficult to hear what could be useful to us, and can easily make a friend feel like an enemy, despite their good intentions.
So, what is the best way to approach a friend when you think they should change something about their life, without alienating them? And should you say anything at all? You probably shouldn’t, actually, is the real answer to that question, unless they straight up ask you. But the chances are high that you will anyway, so if you can’t help yourself, then at very least wait until they bring it up themselves.
I am going to use an example from my current friendships, about one friend in particular who is in a relationship with somebody that doesn’t show up for her in the ways I think she deserves. He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t talk down to her, and he IS a genuinely good guy…. I just don’t think he’s right for her, and if I am honest, I think he’s just not all that into her, but doesn’t want to hurt her by saying so directly. I think she should leave him, and either find someone better, or continue filling her life with friends, family, pets, food and all the other great loves of a persons life.
To be fair to her, she does have a very full life, and doesn’t allow this relationship to hold her back. He isn’t all that interested in travelling, so she takes trips without him, and he doesn’t like getting together on weeknights after a long day at work, so she has friends like myself over for dinner instead. She works hard, keeps socially active, and has plenty of hobbies and passion projects to keep herself busy. But I know she lays awake at night wondering how to get him to notice her, and questioning if he really loves her or not.
It runs deeper than that though.. she wonders what she is doing wrong, and how she can be better. She thinks if only she could be more loveable, he would love her more. She is one of the most loving and loveable people I know. And I hate that she is lying there blaming herself, when the problem is him, cowardly stringing her along. But she loves him, and she doesn’t want to hear that he is stringing her along… it feels better to convince herself that he does love her and she just over thinks things. If she could just accept things as they are, she’d be happier.
Now, there IS truth in that. She would be happier if she could just accept that he wasn’t that into her, and this will not change, no matter how perfect she is, or tries to become. What would be painful, would be that if she accepted this, she’d also have to accept that he isn’t capable of loving her the ways she needs, and would have no choice but to accept the end of their romance. A romance I feel actually ended at least a year ago, maybe more. So instead, every few months, all this builds up inside of her, and they have “a talk” and she feels better for having vented it all out, she convinces herself she is over reacting, and they continue on…. Until it builds up again the next time.
He has no motivation to change, as he recognizes this pattern, and I think he feels pretty comfortable, if a little annoyed, and believes he can continue doing the bare minimum and getting away with it. Because he can, if past behaviour is as good an indicator of future beahviour as they say. And I can’t say or do anything really to change this. It’s her life, and her relationship, and up to her if she chooses to accept this or not.
So, therefore, all I can do, is be supportive. Wait for her to bring it up, which she will, because she is unhappy, and when she does, reflect it back to her that she seems unhappy. Tell her that I know how hard this situation is, and that I understand the difficult position she is in. Ask her what bothers her about his behaviour, and hope that she will hear herself when she says it to me out loud. Tell her I think she deserves more than that, although I know she loves him and wants it to work. Ask her what she needs him to do, so she feels loved, and hope it helps her clarify her needs and what’s missing. Ask her what she is afraid of, and truly listen to the answers. Ask her what’s the worst that could happen and try to reassure her that her life would still be happy and full of love.
She knows I think she should leave him, but I wont say this, because she didn’t ask what I think she should do, and I know she isn’t ready to leave him. I do sometimes drop into conversation “when we talked about this back in January….” To help her see that we have been talking about this same issue for months and it isn’t going away, and help her see she has been unhappy for months.
I remind her that I love her, as do many others in her life, and remind her that she knows what it feels like to be loved. With this she also knows, without my saying so, what it feels like not to be loved. And after that, I listen patiently once again when they have had another unproductive talk and nothing has changed, when she is still unhappy, and I wait patiently for her to be ready to make the change for herself.
Because I can’t make her leave him, and I can’t make him treat her better. I can’t make her brave enough, or make her realise for herself that she will get only what she teaches people she will accept, - and not what she deserves. I can’t face her fears for her, or want her happiness more than she does. I’m not living her life, I don’t know for sure if she would be happier on her own or if she would ever meet the right person. It’s not me who’d have to go back to single life, or live through the pain. She’d still be awake at night overthinking.
So I do all I can, by being there, listening, encouraging and understanding, but not judging or forcing my views on her. And reassuring her I will still be there no matter what she chooses to do. Although I do want better for her, I recognize it isn’t my place to decide what better is for her, and I give her the space to work through that and decide on her own. Really, that’s all any of us can do, isn’t it?
You can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
