My love language is quality time, particularly when it comes to platonic pairings. If I like someone, then of course I want to see them often and spend time. This can be problematic in today’s world, with everyone being so busy…. Time is often the one thing nobody has much of to offer. This can be painful for people like me, as it is easy to tell yourself that if you were important to the other person, that they would make time for you. People do prioritise what matters most to them, after all.
What can be tricky for us quality time folk, is that we often create or imagine obstacles which don’t need to be obstacles, and see slights where none were intended. Using experiences from my own life, for example; when I have movie plans with someone, and they ask me to meet them at the cinema, I find myself disappointed and thinking that meeting there indicates that my friend is in a hurry to leave after the film, while I always hope there will be a coffee and a chat before or after. Even better if it is both. When it appears that I am keener to spend time with them than they are with me…. Because I have typically been the one to make the plans in the first place, I find I start imagining that my friend only said yes to appease me, and can’t wait to get away from me. Or they were only interested in the film or meal and not time with me.
I understand that rationally this is far fetched, and that this line of thinking is damaging myself. I know that these are insecurities more than realities. But, that doesn’t make it feel any less real. If you are the person who always initiates contact, and the one who always makes the plans, and then the one feeling like you are an inconvenience to someone’s busy life, it would make sense that you might start to pull away from people and jump to conclusions that these sorts of people are really not interested in friendships with you.
So, sometimes it helps to remind myself that my feelings stem from my thoughts, not from their actions, and to challenge those thoughts. If you struggle with this too, then I thought this post exploring the reasons people might not have as much time to offer may help you as much as they help me.
I feel happiest with a group of 5 friends. There is enough variety in the mix to meet all my needs, and not so many that we can’t spend the time and share a close intimate connection. I am relatively social, so this probably makes me an extroverted introvert. However, some of my friends are introverted introverts. They like spending time alone. While I walk away from time together feeling happy and energised, they feel a bit drained and needing to retreat to the comfort of home. This is not because I am draining, but because time with others drains them. So a 2 hour movie, adds up to three hours with travel time and that is all they can manage before they need to recharge themselves. Making it about me only hurts these friends, and our friendships. Expecting more energy than they have to give is like wondering why you can’t get blood out of a stone. They may have the time, just not the energy or the inclination. With these friends, I need to be mindful not to ask too often, and to be really happy when they do agree to plans, knowing that it isn’t something they afford everyone.
Some of my friends are extroverted extroverts. They love being busy, being social and having a much wider circle of friends and family than me. So it is highly likely that they like to drive themselves because after the movie, they are meeting someone else for a coffee, and then someone else for dinner, and someone else after that for cocktails! When you consider that a weekend, which is prime social time, is only 48 hours, and then account for the hours of sleep and domestic duties, is it any wonder they only have a few hours to spare per friend? Asking them to spend more time with me, not only drains them, but it also takes away from their other connections. With these friends I have to remind myself I am lucky such a popular social butterfly fit me into their schedule at all, and be sure to know that it is all about everyone, not just me.
The next factor impacting many of my friendships is time commitments. I have the luxury of not working, and I am not studying and my children are now teenagers who are exploring independence more and more each day. My parents, while ageing, are in good health and not requiring care. Touch wood. This means that I have more time to spend than the average person. It does mean I have higher social needs, but it also means I need to be understanding that some of my friends work full time, are caring for young kids or elderly parents, have large families and may be undertaking study or side gigs on top of all of that. I have time to sit and ponder if they are trying to get away from me, while they barely have time to ponder the film we just saw. Like the exampple above, these friends are just really busy. With life, with family, with commitments. A movie is exactly what they want, and maybe even what they need to escape life for a moment, but then they have to get back to the daily grind. With these friends, I need to know that they are so grateful for the invitation, because they don’t make much time for themselves, but they actually feel a bit guilty for taking time out from everything else for something as indulgent as a movie with a friend, and couldn’t possibly justify the extra hour for a coffee… to themselves or the people depending on them. It isn’t about me. They actually love that I force them to take a break. But that break has to be short.
Some of my friends just don’t value friendships the ways that I do. They don’t find frequent contact, time together, or conversation a necessary element of friendships. For them, simply liking one another, is enough. It’s not that they wont come to a movie, but if they do, they don’t find the after coffee necessary and it doesn’t even occur to them to extend the time together, regardless of if they have the time, or not. They saw me, saw a movie, and ticked both things off their list. It’s not that they don’t like me, or want to spend time with me personally.
In all these cases, my friend is probably treating all their friends in a similar manner – I am no more or less special than anyone else. I am imagining that they don’t want to spend time with me and viewing the short and impersonal nature of the catch up as a slight or an obstacle. I am telling myself they don’t like me because they don’t initiate plans and don’t stay long, but if that were true in all likelihood they wold refuse my invitation.
While I adore my long lingering catch ups with friends who are on the same page and do have the time to spare me, I must remember that having time and making time are quite different. My friends who have different needs or circumstances value me enough to make the time, and I should treat it as valuable, because they have so little, and chose to spend it with me. I should really see this as evidence that they DO like me and DO want to spend time. Which feels way better. So why on earth do I torture myself with negativity? I don’t know, but I do want to change it, and I am trying.
Hopefully if you can relate to my struggles, this post will help you too! The quantity of time spent is not indicative of quality of time spent. The onus is on me to make sure any quantity of time, is quality time, because that is my need and it is my job to ensure it is met.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
