The last few weeks I have written about friends who are driven and triggered by fears of abandonment, or engulfment. To read those articles, click the respective links. If you already read them, you are probably eager to get today’s instalment, because believe it or not, these 2 groups of people are usually drawn to one another. (It all comes down to childhood trauma and attachment styles, but I will let the professionals deal with that.)
People with fears of abandonment can be likened to puppy dogs. They are playful, happy to see you and dependent. They may cower if you abuse them, but they need you and they don’t give up easily, still wagging their tail relentlessly when their owner gets home. They also pine when their owner leaves and have an uncanny ability to play the victim with their big sad eyes and persistent whining. No matter how much you play with them, they don’t tire, they want more. They make demands for attention and although they are fun and cute, you need to get on with life, you need them to sleep, to leave you in peace! You feel guilty even thinking it, because they really are sweet and loveable and you wish you could just play with them all day, but that isn’t realistic and eventually you tire of them even if their affection for you only grows with each pat. The dog thinks you are a god.
People with fear of engulfment can be likened to cats, metaphorically speaking. They prefer not to be approached, and save affection for only a chosen and trusted few. They run away if chased and like things to be calm and quiet and routine. The do not hesitate to let you know when they are displeased with you and will lash out with no notice. They will only chase things to play with them and torture them. They enjoy tormenting you, they enjoy chasing much more than catching. Everything is on their terms, they make the demands and you lowly servants submit to those demands without question. They know you love them, because they are a god! But when they choose to sit on your lap, you feel special, like you really earned it, as a chosen one. When they let out those deep purrs, there is a sense of satisfaction like no other, and when they fall on you it is an honour that they trusted you enough. When they let you scratch their belly, you know you are in! Alas, they will never settle, never stop chasing shiny things and they will never put your needs ahead of their own, intuitive as they are and as much as they love you, their basic nature is independent and you must accept and embrace that.
What typically happens is that a friendly but lonely puppy sees a cat. “A friend” he exclaims, bounding over excitedly to say hello. The cat stops, arches it’s back and growls at this overbearing creature “We are not friends” it hisses before running away. “But wait, the dog calls after it, I love you, I just want to play and have fun!” The more the cat runs away, the more the dog wants to chase it to prove it’s inherent worth and joyfulness. The dog then sees the cat another day, chasing after a mouse. The dog is confused. Why does the cat chase the mouse to play, when he is right there, begging to play. What is so good about the mouse?
The dog brings a shiny bone to impress the cat, but it turns away in disgust. The dog offers to share food with the cat but it turns up it’s nose. The dog growls at other dogs to protect the cat, but it does not thank him. No matter what the dog does, he cannot earn the respect of the cat. He wants it too much and that scares the cat away.
Giving up, the dog starts playing with the kids at the park instead. They throw the ball and laugh and are indifferent to the cat. They are friends. The cat sees this and wonders why the human is friends with the dog. What quality does the dog possess that the cat missed? The cat starts to feel they have made a mistake. They got quite used to the dog trying to get their attention, in fact, maybe she actually quite liked him grovelling at her feet. Walking away and not trying has got the cat’s attention. The cat goes to the park where the boy is playing with the dog. The boy throws the ball and it lands near the cat. The dog approaches much more hesitantly, it knows the reception wont be warm. The cat does not react when he takes the ball from right beside her! The dog notices but is too scared to say hello and runs back to the boy. The cat swishes her tail in annoyance, why wasn’t anyone paying attention to her. To get some attention, she chases a bug nearby, hoping to impress the boy and the dog, and lure them over to see her catch.
It works, the boy wants to see the bug the cat has masterfully caught, and she si proud as he delights in her success. The dog takes this opportunity to sniff the cat’s bum. This is too much, too soon, and she swats him away. He runs off yelping and the boy follows. She feels both relieved and sad at the same time. Even she can’t explain why she wants the attention, then when she has it she gets uncomfortable and pushes it away. This pattern continues until the dog learns to approach the cat, and just sit next to her. Look the other way, spend time together, alone.
After a year of the dog laying quietly by the cat, one cold day, she cuddles up next to him. He doesn’t react, he lays his head on the ground. She licks his ear and his tail wags the tiniest amount. She lets out a purr. They are friends. The cat still chases mice with an excitement that the dog does not understand, and the boy still plays with the dog in a way that makes the cat a little bit jealous, however together they lay, still, warm, cosy, safe, predictable. The dog is loyal, protective and grateful for her attention. He feels rewarded for all the time he tried. The cat is caring, loving, she grooms the dog, she trusts him enough to depend on him for warmth, she seeks him out. He has learned not to seek her out, he observes her body language, if she did not catch a mouse that day, to leave her alone, she has had a bad day. He will lay near her favourite spot and wait for her to decide if she would like his company and if she does not, he sleeps peacefully alone. The cat has learned when the boy has not played with the dog he gets sad and lonely. His tail doesn’t wag as much and he stares out the window. She loves him, she doesn’t want him to be sad, so she lays with him more those days and sometimes lets him chase her.
Let’s remember that cats and dogs are “enemies,” essentially because each is afraid of the other. The dog will always be a dog. The cat will always be a cat. They can’t expect the other to be anything but what they are, but they must learn to speak each other’s language. What’s interesting about people that isn’t applicable in real animals, is that we swap roles. We are 2 sides of the same coin. So when the dog gives up, they take on the role of the cat, disinterested, cold, aloof. The cat then must play the role of the dog, they must warm up, chase, get the dog to be a dog again. This can become a cycle of hot and cold, cat and mouse. A dance where the dog steps forward and the cat steps back. When the dog steps back, the cat steps forward. It feels like they are moving, however all they are doing is maintaining the distance between them. In order to really progress, they must be still.
Cats and dogs can be the best of friends, if they learn to understand, tolerate and not be frightened of one another. They both really want to be safe and loved, they just don’t always know how, because they don’t speak the same language. The dog will rush but needs to slow down. The cat will run, but needs to stay still. You both have to control your emotions and trust in the other, and be patient. Very patient. Understand what triggers each other and how and why. It really is that simple!
I think you might find the friendship world is literally raining cats and dogs!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
